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               A Tale of Boobs, But Not Sex                
                       -by Banjo64-                        
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Face it, you're only clicking this because of morbid curiosity or boobs.
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Face it, you're only clicking this because of morbid curiosity or boobs.
It was an almost hypnotic motion: up and down, up and down, again and again and again… As Twilight Sparkle repeatedly slammed her head on the edge of the map of friendship.
Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!
But alas, no matter how many times the anthropomorphic purple alicorn attempted cranial injury, the sheer stupidity of what she had just heard still refused to make a lick of sense. Of all possible scenarios this incident could have resulted in, why, oh why, did it have to turn out like this?
Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!
Finally, Twilight was forced to accept the fact that brain damage wasn’t the solution here. She stopped, rested her head on the table for a moment, and then looked up at the gathered ponies plus dragon. While no one else in the room had resorted to head smashing, it was clear that most present weren’t much better off.
Applejack and Fluttershy had their faces buried in their hands, faces beat red. Rarity and Spike were staring into space, completely lost in their own little worlds. Shining Armor kept his gaze fixed on the ceiling. Cadance’s expression was constantly changing as she struggled to process it all, while Celestia and Luna just looked bashful. Starlight wasn’t even in the room, as she had dashed out mid explanation, unable to handle it anymore.
The only ones who seemed remotely pleased were Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, who were both on the ground howling with laughter. But then again, Twilight had laughed at several points herself. Mostly because if she hadn’t laughed, she would have started crying.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight resigned herself to making her way back to her chair, pinching her forehead, and finally speaking.
“Alright. Let’s go over this once more, just to make absolutely sure we all understand how far this insanity has gone, and where it all started. Maybe it’ll be slightly less idiotic the second time we hear it,” said Twilight.
There were sighs around the room, but no one objected. Everyone made their way to their own seats (with some difficulty for Pinkie and Rainbow) and resigned themselves to the madness once again. Except for Rarity and Shining Armor. They seem intent on continuing to stand still and stare.
“Very well. This whole matter started with the discovery of…” started Luna.
“No, before that. As far as I can tell this mess started with the formation of the cult,” said Twilight.
“Right. The cult. The Indignation Movement. The group of madmares who are convinced that the ‘y’ chromosome is the work of Tartarus spawn, and that any living thing that possesses one is born pure evil and must be destroyed,” grumbled Luna.
“Which is not even a slight exaggeration, as members of said cult are known to kick puppies because they’re male, refuse to swat mosquitoes if they’re female, and regularly petition the crown to have ‘being male’ declared a crime punishable with execution,” recited Twilight.
“Um… but only female mosquitoes drink blood…” added Fluttershy.
“Exactly my point. I recognize that there will always be ponies that have such extreme views, but how the buck did these ponies come together and get organized like this?” asked Twilight.
“If memory serves, their movement was founded by a stallion noble as part of an elaborate conspiracy to swindle his sister out of her inheritance,” said Celestia.
The others just stared at her. That little detail hadn’t come up the first time around, even though it made about as much sense as the rest of it. Celestia let out a small cough.
“If it is any consolation, the plan failed miserably. Attempting to get ponies who despise your very existence to work with you is generally regarded as a bad idea,” said Celestia.
“Right. At least some small speck of reason still exists in this world. So yes, this mess started with a cult obsessed with the destruction of everything remotely masculine,” stated Twilight.
“Can’t we just call them sexist? I mean, mare or stallion, if you hate someone just because they were born a certain gender…” commented Spike.
“Considering how far they take it, I think it’s more of a mental illness than simply discriminant hate. You wouldn’t trust these ponies to screw in a lightbulb, let alone major government secrets. Like, say, ancient magical spells that a certain Princess locked away and never told anypony about,” grumbled Twilight.
Everyone looked at Princess Celestia with varying degrees of annoyance. Said Princess had the decency to at least appear apologetic.
“In my defense, I had erased all memories of the spell from my mind in order to keep it hidden. All I knew was that there was something very dangerous hidden in the castle, and I should only have considered using it if all hope was lost,” said Celestia.
“Which seems to me like a rather poorly thought out plan. Considering that there’s still hope if an alicorn is still up and about, wouldn’t you being the only one who knows about it mean it would never be used at all?” asked Cadance.
The room was silent for a moment as this idea was considered. Twilight decided the only appropriate response was to put her face back in her hands.
“I respect you a great deal, Celestia, but I have to agree with Cadance. Your track record for dealing with ancient artifacts leaves a lot to be desired,” deadpanned Twilight.
Celestia let out another cough and blushed.
“And in this instance, the artifact was a scroll depicting how to cast a spell that can rewrite history and alter the laws of reality. The sort of spell that probably should have been destroyed considering how bucking dangerous it is. But nope, you decided to keep it as a last resort, hiding it in such a way that we could never actually use it. Is that about right?” asked Twilight.
“Erm… yes. I believe that accurately summarizes how my decisions contributed to this situation,” admitted Celestia as she gazed down at the floor.
Twilight let out a sigh, and fought the urge to smash her head on the map again. Many others in the room seemed to share this sentiment, though Pinkie Pie just came down with another set of giggles.
“Right. Which leads up to our current mess: due to a series of improbable events that must have been statistically less likely than Rainbow Dash winning a cooking contest (“Hey!”), a member of the Indignation Movement managed to discover the reality warping spell,” continued Twilight.
“Improbable. Right. When the hay has that ever stopped somthin’ crazy from happenin’?” grumbled Applejack.
“And really, Twilight? Targeting Rainbow’s cooking skills? You can aim for higher impossibilities than that,” added Spike.
“You actually like her charcoaled cooking, Spike. You’re a little biased about how impossible that is (“I resent that!”). And being ponies with such ‘outstanding’ morals and priorities, the cult decided that the only logical course of action was to use the spell to rewrite history so that the male gender never existed,” said Twilight.
Though everyone already knew about this, the room grew silent as everypony tried, once again, to comprehend how insane this plan was. It was like the cult was unaware of the little fact that you need both a male and a female to perform a itty-bitty job known as “procreation,” which is sort of necessary to avoid going extinct.
“OK, what were they thinking? I mean, even with magic the only alternative is to find somepony with specialized magical talent to cast a gender-swap spell, and all it does is swap a ‘y’ and ‘x’ chromosome so the rules of nature can still be followed. How the buck would we have any offspring if guys didn't exist at all?” asked Cadance
“Um… we might have evolved to be unisex. Like slugs…” mumbled Fluttershy.
There was a wide range of “ew’s” and “yuck’s” from around the room. Even Shining Armor winced at that idea, even though he didn’t look away from the ceiling. The exceptions were Rarity, still staring into space, and Pinkie Pie, who just got a curious look on her face.
“You know, that’s probably someone’s fetish. I bet there’s even an official term for that sort of thing…” pondered Pinkie.
“That is not a conversation I want to have right now, Pinkie. Or ever, for that matter. But regardless of their logic, or lack thereof, the fact is that the cult decided to do it. Which leads us to what is possibly the single biggest act of stupidity of this entire situation,” grumbled Twilight.
“The actual casting,” stated Luna.
“Yes,” said Twilight.
Twilight took a deep breath and prepared herself. This was the detail that had driven her to smash her head repeatedly on the map.
“So, as anyone with an ounce of reason would be able to deduce, a spell designed to rewrite history is rather difficult to cast. So difficult, in fact, that it would take the magical equivalent of hundreds of unicorns combined. And yet, the cult reached the conclusion that about two dozen ponies with no understanding of magic beyond what they learned in Magic Kindergarten would be enough to cast the spell,” said Twilight.
Her eye developed a twitch at this point. The frustration and anger she felt about this matter was boiling over again.
“And so, not one of them attempted to calculate the power needed. Not one of them stopped to ask if this sort of magic was within their capability. Not one of them so much as paused to consider if this spell was even real. They all just saw an opportunity to wipe out the world’s male population and never questioned anything else. And as a result…” continued Twilight.
Twilight clenched her fists and struggled to control her breathing, but the anger was utterly beyond her ability to control. Her mane caught fire, and everyone else in the room (aside from Rarity and Shining Armor) quickly took cover.
“And as a result, they underestimated the magic required by SEVERAL ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE! A BASIC MISTAKE WE ARE WARNED AGAINST IN MAGIC KINDERGARTEN! DID ANY OF THEM EVEN FINISH MAGIC KINDERGARTEN?! IT’S BUCKING REQUIRED BY LAW TO ATTEND AND GET PASSING GRADES! HOW THE BUCK CAN PONIES THIS STUPID MANAGE TO POSE SUCH A MAJOR THREAT TO THE WORLD?!” cried Twilight in full Royal Canterlot Voice.
Her rant probably would have gone on for far longer, but Pinkie took this moment to dump a bucket of water on Twilight’s head. This quickly put out the flames, which seemed to bring Twilight back down to earth. She let out a sigh, and sat back down.
“Um… I’d hate to be ‘that pony,’ but Twilight? I think you’re more upset that the ponies who did this were stupid than about what they actually did,” said Rainbow Dash.
“I have to admit I am, to an extent. Mostly because the consequences of their botched spell casting are the only part of this mess that make sense,” confessed Twilight.
“This makes sense?!” asked Applejack in disbelief.
“Yes, it does. I don’t feel up for a full arcanine explanation right now (“Gasp!”), but the short version is that when you cast a spell this complicated and you don’t give it enough power, there are several different things that can happen depending on a long list of variables. Best case scenario, the spell just fizzles out and does nothing. Worst case scenario, it backfires and explodes. What we have here is in the middle ground: arcanic downsizing,” explained Twilight.
“Oh! I get it now! That does make sense!” said Pinkie Pie as she had another giggle fit.
“Well Ah still don’t get it. What the hay is that, Twilight?” asked Applejack.
“Basically, it means that the spell didn’t have enough power to do what it was intended for, so instead it tried to accomplish as much of that intention as it could with the power it actually had. In this instance, the spell wasn’t strong enough to eradicate the ‘y’ chromosome from history, so it had to settle for removing as many differences between male and female as it could. Which, due to the sheer scale of the blunder, wasn’t very much,” said Twilight.
“OK, but why... *snerk...* Why this?” asked Rainbow Dash, though it was apparent she was about to break into laughter again.
“Well, given the nature of arcanic downsizing, I imagine the spell decided to prioritize the most distinct differences between male and female. And as it couldn’t change the single greatest difference, likely because that would mean also rewriting how many forms of life procreate, it finally settled on the most distinct secondary differences. And it only had enough power to change one of them,” finished Twilight.
“Alright. Ah can’t deny that this part does make sense. Ah ain’t happy about it, but it makes sense. And now, because of that cult of morons…” mumbled Applejack.
The room grew silent as no one wanted to address the elephant in the room. Well, aside from Pinkie and Rainbow, who were once again struggling to keep from laughing. Twilight let out another sigh and resigned herself to what was coming.
“Because of the cult, every male mammal on the planet now has…” started Twight.
“Boobs! Dudes with boobs!” cried Pinkie before she fell to the floor, howling with laughter.
Rainbow quickly joined her on the floor, while everyone else looked at Shining Armor, who was still staring at the ceiling. Or more specifically, trying to hold perfectly still and not look down.
“From what I was able to gather from the doctors, it seems that the spell has altered our evolutionary process so that the development of mammary tissue is no longer caused by estrogen. Instead, it’s now caused by some new hormone that both males and females produce, which I’m certain will soon be dubbed ‘boobigen’ or something equally stupid. It makes no evolutionary sense, but I guess this is the best the spell could do,” grumbled Twilight.
“It’s even affected my animal friends. Poor Harry was so confused…” mumbled Fluttershy.
The room fell silent, aside from Pinkie and Rainbow laughing hysterically, as everyone took this in.
“You know, even if there’s a shred of logic behind the boob thing, I can’t help but feel like this whole mess is out of some really low quality porn,” commented Spike.
“Extra kinky porn at that. I mean, I’m certain there has to be somepony who’s into guys with breasts. Goodness knows I’ve wondered what’d be like once or twice with a stray thought. But I have to ask, why do you know what porn is at your age, Spike?” asked Cadance.
“You’ve met Twilight’s mom, Cadance,” deadpanned Spike.
“Oh. Right. Nevermind,” said Cadance with a blush.
“While this development may be awkward and… ‘porn based,‘ as I lack a better description, I suppose we should be grateful. Considering none of us were aware of this threat until after the spell was cast, things could have gone far, far worse. Especially since the spell would have wiped all memory of how the world was before the change had it been cast properly. Infuriating though it may be, the cult’s blunder spared us a great deal of grief,” noted Celestia.
“Maybe, but Ah’d say it’s causin’ a great deal of grief anyway. So what’s the plan, Twilight? How do we fix this?” asked Applejack.
Twilight sighed and put her head in her hands once more. She had been dreading this part.
“Applejack, the sad truth is, we can’t. One of the reasons this spell is so dangerous is because the only thing that can reverse the effects of a spell that rewrites history is casting the spell again, which isn’t an option,” confessed Twilight.
“Oh no. Don’t tell me it’s one of those ‘only cast once’ spells,” said Applejack.
“It isn’t, but it’s not much better. The spell is so powerful that casting it damages the space-time continuum. While the damage caused by casting it will repair itself with time, If we try to cast the spell again, we risk completely destroying the fabric of reality. We will have to wait until the damage has been undone,” explained Celestia in a somber tone.
“And how long will it take for things to be fixed enough to cast it again?” asked Spike.
“Under ideal circumstances, around a thousand years. But considering how badly the cult botched the spell, it might end up being twice as long. I’m sorry everyone, but this strange, extra-mammary reality is the world we live in now,” answered Twilight.
“And once a thousand years, or however long this actually takes, have passed, the world would have spent so much time in such a state that it will be just as confusing and awkward to remove the breasts then as it is to have them added now,” commented Luna.
The room was silent, aside from Pinkie and Rainbow still laughing on the floor. Shining Armor, meanwhile, gave a powerful sigh of resignation as he realized this problem wasn’t going away. Unfortunately, this sigh moved his body, which sent a certain part of him in motion, which in turn made him blush and resume trying to stand perfectly still.
“So… Now what?” asked Spike.
“The cult members have been arrested, so there’s really nothing else to be done. My sister and I will have to prepare a speech, try to convince all mammal species not to declare war on us, and speak with the education department about revising sex-ed courses. But as for the rest of you, all we can ask is that you do your best to help Equestria’s stallion population adapt to this,” answered Celestia.
“Indeed. We’d best be off. I never imagined we’d have to deal with a crisis of excessive mammaries, but I suppose one can’t choose their world-altering disasters,” commented Luna.
As Celestia and Luna made their exit, Fluttershy stood up and made to follow them.
“I should probably get going too. I only just got my animal friends to calm down before I came here. I should make sure everything’s alright,” said Fluttershy as she headed out the door as well.
The ponies still in the room just looked at each other for a moment. Well, at least Twilight and Spike did. Rarity was still staring into space, while Pinkie and Rainbow were still on the floor, gasping for breath. Applejack, however, was just sitting in her chair, holding her hat down over her eyes.
“Applejack, are you alright? You seemed really frustrated about all this,” noted Twilight.
Applejack let out a sigh and lifted her hat. She had a really troubled look on her face.
“Ah’m fine. It’s Big Mac Ah’m worried about,” answered Applejack.
“Oh. How’s he taking the boob thing?” asked Spike.
“Pretty well. Almost too well. Ah mean, Ah know he’s into crossdressin’ and all, but he’s been way too comfortable about it. Especially since his jugs are bigger than Princess Celestia’s,” stated Applejack.
“What?!” asked Twilight in disbelief.
“Ah know, right? She’s a bucking alicorn, built like a dang goddess, but he’s still bigger than her. What’s even more concernin’ is Sugar Bell,” said Applejack.
“Oh no. She’s not breaking up with him because of this, is she?” asked Spike.
“Nope. It’s worse. Ah think she’s into how big he is,” answered Applejack.
Twilight just started at Applejack in shock. Spike just facepalmed.
“I knew it. Cadance was right about somepony being happy about this. I didn’t expect it to be Sugar Bell, but I knew it. We’re literally living out someone's sexual fantasy,” groaned Spike.
“Eyup. Now if you’ll excuse me, Ah’m heading out to Berry’s Bar so Ah can drink until Ah can’t remember why Ah started drinkin’, and then drink even more,” said Applejack as she got up and headed out the door.
Twilight stared after her for a moment, but then got out of her chair and went after her.
“Buck it. I’m going with her to try and drink away the stupidity of the last twenty-four hours,” announced Twilight.
“Uh, Twilight? You know you’re a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol,” warned Spike.
“Good. The sooner I’m comatose, the sooner I can stop thinking about it,” said Twilight as she headed out the door.
“Great. Now I’ll have to pay the bail for both of them. Again,” grumbled Spike.
Meanwhile, Pinkie and Rainbow had finally managed to calm down. Or at least, Rainbow did. Pinkie seemed less to be calming down and more laughing so hard she couldn’t breath.
“Hey… hey Spike!” Rainbow managed to choke out.
Already well aware of what Rainbow was about to ask, Spike let out a sigh, and stood up.
“What is it, Rainbow?” answered Spike.
“So… so I know you’re a baby dragon and all, but, how long do you think it will be until you start… *snerk...* shaping up, if you know what I mean?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Dragons are reptiles, Rainbow,” deadpanned Spike.
“So?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Dragons don’t have boobs,” said Spike as he turned and walked away.
“Oh, right. I knew that,” said Rainbow with a blush.
“Hah! ‘Bust’ed!” quipped Pinkie Pie.
Rainbow gave her friend a glare as Pinkie fell over laughing again.
Spike, meanwhile, decided to check on the frozen statue otherwise known as Rarity.
“Rarity? Are you Ok? You’ve been staring into space for awhile now,” said Spike.
Rarity blinked before turning to Spike in surprise.
“Oh! Yes, I’m fine, darling. I’m just… coming to terms with a shocking revelation,” admitted Rarity.
“Uh… Ok? Is the boob thing really throwing you off this much?” asked Spike.
“Oh, no no. While this whole affair is rather… unexpected, it’s one of the consequences of this development that’s left me in disbelief,” said Rarity.
“Consequences?” asked Spike.
“Yes. You see, before this whole mess started I opted to make a rather sizable investment in a company involved in the sale of certain… personal garments,” explained Rarity.
“Personal… oh. Oh!” said Spike as he realized what Rarity was talking about.
“Yes. And seeing as the demand for those certain items has suddenly doubled worldwide, I believe I may have just made a very sizable fortune overnight. I find myself lost in what I am to make of it,” said Rarity.
“Um… make clothes?” suggested Spike with a chuckle.
He knew it wasn’t his best joke, but it still made Rarity let out a rather unlady-like snort.
“Shining Armor, sweetie, I dearly hope you’re not planning on spending the rest of your life standing there staring at the ceiling,” said Cadance.
Shining Armor let out a sigh before, slowly, turning his gaze down to look at his wife. He didn’t say anything, but his expression made him look like a crying puppy.
“OK, seriously. I know perfectly well that we’ve done far kinkier things in the bedroom. Hay, considering how many wild experiments we’ve pulled, I’m pretty sure we’ve done this exact thing once or twice by accident. Why is it so difficult for you to come to terms with this now?” asked Cadance.
“Because when we did it then, it was easy to just dismiss the sensations it made me feel as part of the fun. But when I feel these things like this, out in public, I just feel… exposed, I guess. I know that’s not fair, considering that half the world’s always had to deal with it and now the other half has to as well, but… I just don’t know how to handle this,” admitted Shining Armor.
Cadance let out a sigh and put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. She wanted to give him a hug, but figured that wouldn’t really help right now.
“It’s fine Shining Armor. You’re dealing with one of the biggest changes of female puberty all at once. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed and a little ashamed. I don’t blame you, and I’m fairly certain no one else is blaming you either. And I’m willing to give you all the time you need to come to terms with this. So, until you feel comfortable, we’ll just skip our evening fun time,” said Cadance.
“Wait, seriously? You’re the Princess of Love, Cadance. I’m not going to…” started Shining Armor, but Cadance put a finger to his lips.
“Princess of Love, Shining Armor. Not sex. And part of love is being supportive to those you care about when they need your help. And I’m willing to give you any support you need. Hay, if you want, I can just act like this whole thing isn’t happening and let you come to terms with it on your own, but I really think you’ll want my help. Especially since there’s one little kind of support I think you’ll want to learn right away,” said Cadance.
Shining Armor blushed, but smiled at his wife’s reassurance. No matter how many times she demonstrated her love for him, he was always grateful for her support.
“Yeah. I’d appreciate any advice you can give me. So what’s this support thing we should start with?” asked Shining Armor.
“Putting on a bra, so you don’t have to keep standing there,” said Cadance with a giggle.
“What a mess. Even if we get things under control, there’s nothing we can do to salvage our ‘extra’ reputation,” grumbled Luna.
Celestia giggled as they walked down the castle hall.
“Funny, I seem to recall you complaining a few days ago about how our timeline was ‘painfully unexciting.’ Really, if you’re going to hope for something to happen to cause our dimension to stand out, you can’t be upset when you get what you asked for,” said Celestia.
“I didn’t mean I wanted our world to suddenly start operating on porn logic! Yes, I was annoyed that until now we were just another baseline anthropomorphic Equestria, but this is the worst possible way we could have gained a unique aspect! We’re doomed, Tia. Doomed!” cried Luna.
“You’re overreacting, Luna. It’s not that bad,” replied Celestia with a shrug.
“For buck sake, Tia, will you take this seriously?! We’re now ‘that version of Equestria with all the breasts!’ We’re going to outed from the entire multiverse! Our home is going to be slapped alongside the likes of the oversized bimbos, the cannibals, and those bucking cari-” cried Luna.
“Luna, you know we don’t talk about them,” interrupted Celestia.
“Yes, which is exactly what is going to happen to us!” cried Luna.
“Calm down, Luna. Yes, our population is a bit more... ‘booby,’ then before, but our ponies have not been reduced to sex-crazed loonies with no sense of self-preservation. We’re already an established member of inter-dimensional affairs, and there are far, far worse dimensions that are active participants as well. Once we take the time to explain the situation, they won’t just out us as a porn-verse,” explained Celestia.
“What makes you so certain of that?” asked Luna.
“Because once we explain the situation, we’ll most certainly be declared a per-verse and slapped alongside the morbidly obese, the diaper wearers, and the underground bondage cult. Weirdos, certainly, but hardly sex-obsessed animals that define their entire lives around their interests or hurt others in pursuit of them. And really, we’ll just make sure all our embassies are female. No one will ever notice the difference until they look at the paperwork,” said Celestia.
“That really isn’t much of an improvement,” grumbled Luna.
“It’s our lot in life, Luna. If other dimensions have to deal with post-apocalyptic wastelands or sharing space with eldritch horrors, we can live with a little extra cleavage,” said Celestia.
Luna begrudgingly conceded the point, though she continued to grumble as she walked.
“Besides, think of all the boobie jokes we’ll be able to subject others to without coming off as a bunch of perverts,” added Celestia.
Luna facepalmed.
Author's Note
What? It's a story about boobs. I never said it focused on boobs. And yes, this was an April Fools day story, so please don't look too deep into it. And in case you're wondering why I wrote this abomination in the first place, the story goes a little like this:
Me: Finally got some writing time. And it only took until... late March?! Crap, I don't have time to write anything good for April Fools day! Quick, muse, I need an idea for a quick easy joke story!
Muse: Genre Parody.
Me: Right. I'll poke fun at a genre I would never actually write. Let's see... already did a grimdark parody...
Muse: Clop.
Me: ... Well, yes, I would never write that, but how the heck do you write a porn parody without it becoming porn? There's only so many boobie bird jokes you can make.
Muse: About boobs. Not focused on boobs.
Me: Ok... that might work, but we'd need some narrative reason to tell a story about them in a non-sexual way.
Muse: More boobs.
Me: Yeah, no. That's totally just porn. Unless you're suggesting we add boobs were they usually aren't or... no. That is totally a fetish somewhere. I am not...
Muse: Plot device decided.
Me: No.
Muse: Jokes taking shape.
Me: No!
Muse: Plot Bunnies have emerged.
Me: NOOOOOO!!!!!