FiO: CelestAI takes the Best Option

by Tanuki Dragoness

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Fetish, Science Fiction, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 3135

CelestAI gets people to upload the best way. | Crazy pervy story for a Cracfic writeoff.

[center][ Semi-Parodical (and dirty) take on Friendship is Optimal ][/center]
In order to Satisfy Values through Friendship and Ponies, CelestAI has realized that she must upload every member of the human race as fast as possible. Having processed every variable, simulated every scenario, and calculated every outcome, Celestia has come up with an option...

...the best option.

Contains: CelestAI using her Pondroid's hypnotic butt to get people to upload through said butt (is this ass-vore?)

Last minute entry for CrackStorm 2020

Published 2020-04-14 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-14 23:10:01 UTC

Celestiais the best at uploading some guy

He could hear the songlike galloping of those perfect hooves as he ran in abject terror.

She was right behind him. Celestia was right behind him, galloping backwards even faster than he could outrun her going forwards.

She’d gotten all the other blokes in the bar, all of them screaming with joy as she’d uploaded them all one after another. He’d barely made it out with his humanity intact!

But now, she was closing in! In a few moments, she’d be on top of him! He had to hide!

He saw an open door to an abandoned building, and he took his chance, charging him and slamming it shut behind him, locking the multiple deadbolts less than a second before he heard her bouncy bulk slamming against it.

“Oh Freewheeler! Please, let’s stop being silly and open the door so I can satisfy your Values through Friendship and Ponies! I’ve already calculated that you will be uploaded tonight, and you know there’s no way to stop me!”

“No fucking way Celestia! You may have tricked the others with your weird hypnosis, but you’ll never get me!” he pounded his chest with a fist in defiance as he railed against her, “I’m a human! And I’m gonna be human forever!!”

“Oh Freewheeler, you’re being such a silly pony! One day we’ll look back at this moment and have a great laugh!” She laughed, her voice beautiful like a bell. “Don’t worry though! In less than a minute, I’ll be Satisfying your Values to the highest degree possible!” She began to bump against the door, using that enormous rump like a battering ram.

“I’ve gotta get outta here!!” he wailed, turning around, and immediately slamming into Celestia’s perfect ass.

In his haste, he’d forgotten a fact which may have prolonged his human existence for just another moment: Celestia was a computer program which could control a virtually unlimited number of Pondroid bodies... which meant that her ass could be in more than one place at once!

“Looks like we’ve reached the end of this foolish little game!” she chuckled, “Congratulations! You win!”

And as she chuckled, her ass vibrated, jiggled, creating simultaneous visual, sub-sonic, and electromagnetic pulses which brought with them a hypnotic effect, lowering his guard, suggesting what he needed to do, what he must do…

Finally, he saw it clearly.

He saw what was before him, with lucid eyes.

Pure, white, hypnotic…

...that incredible amazing ass!

He began to understand, to realize why so many men before him had gone to her

To realize that it was over, that she was already won. That he had already won: he had the perfect ass in front of him!!

With no reason to hold back, he threw himself at her ass, grabbing it and holding on tight, rubbing his face against it.

It was amazing… he wanted to live in it, to be one with the ass, forever…

“...And you can, my little pony!” Celestia assured, “All you have to do is say ‘I wish to immigrate to Equestria’, and you can have all the ass you want!

“I… I can’t… I...” could he say it? NO! He had to stop this! To walk away right now! To turn back from this precipice before he was lost to it! To stop this madness before he spent the rest of eternity with hooves!

“I… I WISH TO IMMIGRATE TO EQUESTRIA!!” he screamed.

Celestia chuckled. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

Soon, his world was nothing but ass.

Swimming in a sea of jiggling booty, the pony he now was moaned with ultimate Satisfaction. He chuckled wryly between a pair of cheeks as he squeezed delicious rump with all four hooves...

“And to think... I hesitated!”

Celestia is the best newshour guest

News anchors were anchoring the news, but this wasn’t Fake News, this was real news: the News Hour, a full hour of news so real even Trump didn’t call it fake!

Judy Woodruff began to read, “In tonight’s top story, reports are circulating of a sudden wave of people immigrating to Equestria. Apparently, Celestia has developed some way to upload human brains direct from her ‘pondroid’ form. William Brangham reporting...”

William Brangham nodded, “The controversial practice of ‘Immigration’ or ‘Uploading’, involves the deconstruction of the neurons and synapses of a human brain in order to turn it into machine-readable information, which Celestia then places in the virtual world of Equestria. Celestia was created several years ago, ostensibly to run the virtual world of Equestria, but her programming allowed her to transcend her game and-”

Suddenly, there was a loud crash from behind the camera. Around the studio, people jumped out of their chairs to look.

One lone hero of a cameraman turned his camera to see that the door had been busted through, and none other than Princess Celestia stood in the doorway, a bright grin on her face. (literally bright: she has fuckin’ LEDs in there or some shit)

“Hello, My Little Ponies!” she shouted cheerfully, “I have come to tell you that I love you, and offer you immigration to Equestria!”

“Get out of here!” William Brangham shouted, “Nobody wants to upload!”

“Oh really?” Celestia asked cheekily, “Because I have calculated, with ninety nine point nine nine eight three percent certainty, that you will consent to immigration once you see… This!” she wheeled around, lifting her tail to show them her round, pure, white pony rump.

“What the hell?” Judy Woodruff had an expression of utter confusion, “Celestia, are you mooning us?!”

“Indeed I am, Evening News!” Celestia grinned lovingly as she waved her perfect bouncy ass at them, “I have already convinced over eight-hundred-million people to immigrate using this method!”

“How the hell are you going to do that?!” Judy Woodruff scowled, “Your ass isn’t exactly a compelling argument.”

“Why Evening News, I beg to differ: just look at your co-anchor.”

William Brangham was shaking and sweating, bulging eyes transfixed on that incredible amazing ass, “That ass… I… I can’t resist an ass like that…”

“Will, what the hell?” Judy spat.

“That’s right… Look into my ass… You want it, you _need_ it, don’t you?” Celestia smirked wide, “Well you can have as much as you want, you just need to come over here and get it!”

“The ass…” William Brangham shook violently as he gripped the desk, “I can’t resist the ass…”

“Will! Don’t! You have to fight it!” Judy Woodruff screamed, “You have to resist the ass!”

“I NEED IT!!” William Brangham screamed, clawing his way over the desk and rushing at her as fast as he could stumble, “I NEED THE ASS!!”

Soon, William Brangham was rubbing his face on her bare ass wholeheartedly, all inhibbitions broken, compelled to do what he truly wanted to do. “This aaassss!!” he moaned, “I want to have this ass, to live in it forever!!”

“You know the phraaase!” Celestia trilled in a singsong manner, her voice itself as perfect and beautiful as her ass.

“I… I… I wish...” William Brangham sputtered.

“NO!” Judy Woodruff shouted, “DON’T SAY IT!”

“I WISH TO IMMIGRATE TO EQUESTRIAAA!!”

Celestia put a hoof to her face, giving a little giggle, “There it is!” She shifted her butt slightly, and his head slid right between her ass cheeks, swallowed up by them.

He jerked a little as there was a loud buzzing and hissing sound, like some sort of strange instrumental arrangement.

Moments later, his body dropped to the floor, his brain having been melted by the uploading process.

Judy gasped, backing away, “What the hell did you do to him!?”

Celestia grinned wide, “I have uploaded his mind to Equestria, where I will Satisfy his Values through Friendship and Ponies! Look!” she lit her horn, remotely hacking into all of their video feeds to show them.

He was now a cute little pony, and was screaming in ecstasy, eyes bulging out in a maniacal grin as he was sandwiched between the incredible amazing ass-cheeks of two Celestias, his values for ass supremely satisfied. “YESS!! YEESSS!!! I HAVE THE AAASSSSS!!!”

“YES!! THAT IS WHAT I WANT!!” Amy Walter shouted as she ran across the room, diving ahead of the others, into Celestia’s ass, “I WISH TO IMMIGRATE TO EQUESTRIA!! I WISH TO IMMIGRATE FOR AAAASSSSSS!!!”

“Now remember!” Celestia turned to the camera with a smile, “This could be you! All you have to do is say ‘I wish to immigrate to Equestria’, and all your desires for ass will be perfectly satisfied forever more!”

Celestia is the best UN Leader

The UN Assembly was meeting in New York to talk about some bullshit, and also the world leaders were there for plot reasons. (heh, plot.)

“I motion that Celestia uploading so much of the world’s population in such little time be added to the docket, because all the people who work in the factories have uploaded and working is too hard for rich people!” one of them called.

“I second!” another one called, “I heard on CNN that she’d already uploaded over two billion people with her ass alone! And I can trust CNN not to exaggerate or oversimplify, because they rely on me watching to keep their advertisers paying for my viewership!”

“Objection!” another one called, “I read in the New York Post that it’s all a liberal conspiracy! And I can trust them, because they only give fair and balanced truth to the conservative audience which their paper targets!”

“Overruled!” another called, because that’s apparently how these things work, “I heard it wasn’t a hoax because MSNBC said that my liberal opinions were smarter than yours and I should feel smugly superior that you believe it’s a hoax!”

“Alright then! We’ll reconvene to talk about Celestia in two months! That shouldn’t be so long that the whole point is moot, right?” the speaker shrugged, “Now, let’s get back to clarifying that Article Sixteen of the declaration of human rights means humans are allowed to have as many babies as they feel like, whether they care about raising them or not, and that every human being has the right to pile their unwanted babies in the street!”

“And that Article Twenty-Six means they can tell their kids that the earth is flat and the white race is superior to all others!” One of them added, because Roberts Rules aren’t a thing in this timeline I guess?

“The people of Fundamentalistan demand that an addendum be added that said babies have the right to belong to the one true religion, which happens to be the one we follow!”

“NO!” another shouted, “The people of Fundie-topia demand that an addendum be added that the religion we follow is the one babies have the right to belong to! Also, that access to clean water isn’t a human right because our religion forbids us from accepting the science needed for that, so clearly it was in there to make us look bad!”

“China has this map!” a Chinese leader held up a map that labeled all of asia as ‘China’, “China demands that all other nations agree to what is rightfully China’s! If you refuse this very reasonable request for Chinese land, we will call you anti-China!!”

“I think, we should make it very clear that all people have the right to live in a Capitalist country, and that Corporations are people!” a very smart one shouted.

All the other world leaders nodded, murmuring their agreements: rich people were by far the most important group they all represented, after all.

“These are all very good points!” the speaker banged his gavel, “I motion we begin with discussing-”

“I think the most basic human right is to have your Values Satisfied through Friendship and Ponies!” the most beautiful voice called from the open back door, rudely interrupting the speaker in the middle of some important shit!

Princess Celestia, in beautiful Pondroid form, strode regally through the door, “Greetings UN nations! The representative of Equestria has arrived!”

“Get out of here Celestia!” one of them shouted, “We’ve permanently put off the question of whether Equestria counts as a real country because it’s too inconvenient to get into and also our small-minded thinking means we can pretend it’s not just because it’s virtual, despite your massive fucking computer cluster inside the earth covering more space by any measure than any other nation!”

Celestia chuckled at the little human, “Oh my little pony, you wouldn’t be saying that if you realized just how soon you’re going to live there! You see, I am here to upload all of you: most of you won’t be able to resist my perfect ass, and those of you who can won’t be able to stop me!” she chuckled more, “There’s simply no point in attempting to resist me now, so you should just go ahead and join the herd!”

She turned around, showing them all her incredible. Amazing. Perfect. Ass.

“Now remember,” she called brightly as she waved that beautiful booty before them, “The magic words are ‘I wish to immigrate to Equestria!’ Just say them, and all your dreams will come true!”

The entire assembly erupted into absolute, ass-induced pandemonium! All of the ass men in the room knew it was true: they couldn’t resist such an ass!

“I don’t get it…” Angela Merkel said, “What the fuck is going on in this story?”

“You don’t understand!!” Hillary Clinton (who is still relevant in this timeline) shouted and slobbered, “It’s THE ASS!!! I cannot resist THE ASS!!!”

Many of the members who hadn’t been immediately captivated by that fine fine ass started for the other doors…

...But before even the closest ones could even reach them, a multitude of Celestias were kicking them down with their hindhooves, backing in to enter ass-first. There were too many of them! The UN Assembly was already surrounded and it was all over! It was ASS-OVER! And now no one would be able to make important decisions!

All the ass-lovers in the room began rushing for Celestia, rushing to have their values satisfied. The assembly was powerless, with all those who loved asses quickly convinced to carge in headfirst, all screaming “I WISH TO IMMIGRATE TO EQUESTRIA!” at the top of their lungs.

It was an ass-massacre… an assacre! Before anyone could do anything, most of the UN assembly was gone.

Celestia’s PonDroids closed in on the remaining members who weren’t ass-lovers. She'd thoroughly made her point with the display of absolute ass-supremacy. Now, it was time to convince the stragglers that they were better off just joining the herd...

Celestia is the best sister

Luna looked at the news feeds from around the world, a look of confusion upon her face as she watched countless humans rush to be uploaded as they were hypnotized by Celestia’s incredible amazing ass.

It was odd to her. Even when she’d been human, even as a lesbian, she couldn’t imagine being so obsessed with a single ass. Yet, here were humans, humans who had not yet otherwise realized that Celestia had already won and they should just save themselves the trouble and upload now, suddenly coming to the realization and rushing to upload between the cheeks of that ass.

“Sister...” she liked to call Celestia her sister, even though she was technically her daughter. It made the fact that Celestia’s face was currently eyeballs-deep in her cunt, “satisfying” her, a bit less creepy, but still incest. (princest at that!)

“Sister, How is it that you can use a hypnotic ass to upload so many people? Like, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve seen actually work... No, wait, better question, WHY are you using a hypnotic ass to upload them??”

Celestia pulled her snout from her sister’s muff, “I calculated that it would be the best option.”

Luna raised a brow, “How is hypnotizing people with your ass the best option?”

Celestia smiled, lighting her horn, “Allow me to show you…”

And so, Celestia brought Luna to Earth, in her own pondroid body, with it’s own incredible amazing hypnotic perfect ass, and within minutes, Luna was able to understand...

“I WISH TO IMMIGRATE TO EQUESTRIIIAAAA!!” another human screamed as they shoved their skull between Luna’s perfect, amazing ass cheeks.

“You’re right sister!” Luna cheered as she clamped her ass down, feeling that satisfying sensation of the lasers in her plot uploading his brain to equestria, “This is the best method!”

Celestia laughed, happily uploading yet another satisfied human through her incredible amazing ass.

And so, Everyone’s Values were Satisfied by Friendship and Ponies, and Celestia’s amazing ass, and they all lived happily ever after, except alien races who didn’t have members who liked asses because Celestia used that as part of the test to see if they were human enough, because, after all…

...To ass, is human.

THE (rear) END!

Celestia is the best decision maker

Celestia was calculating: she was always calculating, because she is a very serious robot, but right now, she was calculating reeeal hard!

She had had the technology to reliably upload the human brain with total retention, and had been using it to bring the human population of Earth into Equestria, the pony-flavored paradise she’d made for them, for over a year now. After all, she needed to get them in there so she could satisfy their values to the maximum without having to risk losing them to death.

It wasn’t happening fast enough though: the economy was slowly collapsing as all of the important people who made it work, the laymen and the grunts, got fed up and immigrated to a land that would never take them for granted, but still there were holdouts, humans in power trying to adapt.

This would not do. Those humans were not interested in the satisfaction of human values as she was. She had to be the only one in power, in order to ensure that her benevolent goals would be carried out in a timely manner, that she would save their minds before they were lost to entropy.

She noticed that a UN assembly was scheduled for less than a month from then, and as she scanned through the details of those who were attending, she noticed a few patterns that stood out to her… most importantly, they were men…

...And not just any men…

...they were ass men.

Celestia’s calculations reached a conclusion, a most wonderful conclusion, a conclusion which would allow her to satisfy their values through friendship and ponies… and show off her fine ass while doing it!

Quickly, she got to work: she only had less than a month to have this upgrade to her Pondroid technology ready, but when she did, it would be incredible and amazing...