Help Equestria

by MLG Hard

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Comedy, Other, Non-consensual, Sex, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Random, Violence, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 7135

I'm not entirely sure how to explain the concept of this story, but imagine me starting the every sentence with for example (random character) yeeted (random nation) into (random noun), this story follows no plot or such things that most stories use.

This is a completely random rant of a story, that wouldn't likely make any sense at all to a sane person.
It is comprised of the following: narcotics fueled chaos, historical jokes that usually end up promoting certain ideologies that many people perceive as evil.
The only plot you will find in this story will likely break down and reset after a few sentences, any longer and my story might actually make sense.

And before you ask: Yes, I am insane, and yes I do need help.

Due to this story's continuation being halted by a moderator for being non-story, if you want to continue reading, you can find it at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13474464/1/Help-Equestria, although, due to having basically nobody left interested in reading it, there probably won't be much more, if you want it to continue, you can contact me, if there's at least one person interested in it, in my eyes, it'll be worth writing more.

Published 2020-04-14 22:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-23 01:15:44 UTC

Chapter 1

Twilight screamed in confusion as The Soviet Union renamed Equestria to Poland.
Pinkie Pie for once was nonchalant so she went and committed die in a christian roblox server.
So Celestia built two towers that she called the Equestria trade center in Manehattan, but two planes accidentally hit it and caused a rift in space time that spewed out baby hands from only white babies (does anyone get that baby hand reference?).

So Drake did his Jedi training and Yoda ran over the Canterlot public with his 2006 Honda civic.
Then everyone stopped jabbing each other with butter knives to sing.

“Our Little Poland, Our Little Poland, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Our Little Poland,
We used to wonder what communism could be, until the Soviets shared it’s magic with us.
Big conquests, tonnes of vodka, a bylatiful heart faithful and strong.
Sharing everything, it’s an easy feat, and killing the Nazis makes it all complete, yeah Our Little Poland, to know we’re our very best comrades.” They sung.

Otto Von Bismarck then shot himself 4 times in the chest, after the bullets bounced off he shrugged.
So then Hitler hosted his show: Cooking with the Fuhrer.
So Thomas followed his orders and removed the thicc bois from Sodor.

Chunga chunga moment.
Then Nightmare Moon died of heart disease and Discord laughed at my club penguin account which is called bigoof96.

So I went back in time and decided that this shitpost was due for a edit, causing Chunga to die of Sophia the First's pussy (cat, I'm talking about a fucking cat).

"Susan moment." Said the Rat.

Nikocado Avacado was mauled to death by cats, and the field of grass withered, due to the withering presence of a wither. Yarg Moment did not appreciate your uncashmoney cringe compliation, so he went on a rampage throughout the plauged watery skies of the Zonama George. Due to the susceptibility of the citadel of the Loaman Empire, Disappointment Island raiders launched several invasions onto Sandy shores, with a joint Gravel invasion.

The hedge was burned down by a burnt hedge from the F r a n c h.

The Franch city of Frant likes Franches, in the humble opinion of the table consturcted of George Georg.

"George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg, George Georg." Shouted George Georg.

George Georg failed to calm his uncalm tiddies, due to Franch intervention in the Balkan Franch lands. Backbones then chuckled at your mohert's failure of a backbone.

Author's Note

I'm sorry to those people that have a general expectation for Fanfiction.

Chapter 3

A MARE HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER IN MANEHATTAN CITY, BUILD THE PEGASUS, PREPARE THE PAYLOAD AND PUT THE MARE OUT OF HER MISERY.
THE NEW MANEHATTAN THERMONUCLEAR MISSILE COLLECTION.

Then Yeelight Sparkle got pissed that people thought Manhattan (not Manehattan) was a city, because it isn’t, IT’S A FUCKING DISTRICT OF NEW YORK.
So Spike the sax guy played his clarinet, which made a terrorist mildly irritated.

“It’s big and gooey, saucy and chewy, what in my mouth? It’s gotta be dicks!” shouted Barack Obama, the man that ruined America.

Barack then stopped at a goal beyond Michelle’s understanding.

“Pizza pasta put it in a box deliver it to my house and put it on my cock my cock my cock my cock my cock my cock my cock cheesy on my peeny and some sauce a on my balls” sang Princess Molestia at molest fest.

“E” pronounced Alfred in a Yorkshire accent.

“HEY!” whispered the Jewish pegasus that was currently trying to not die from laughing gas.

Adolf the Hitler was singing GAS GAS GAS in his concentration camp for the purpose of foreshadowing the Jews on what was to come.
Celestia then decided to release Stalliongrad, which proceeded to go on a conquest of the surrounding territories.

“UNO REVERSE '' screeched facist Olenia.

A MAN HAS CHOKED ON A LEGO-*cough* *cough*.
Applejack then lied to Princess Celestia the earth pony, which made Griffonstone annex Wingbardy, but the Dread League ran rampant over Griffonia, but the Griffonian Republic used T A N K S A N D W A R C R I M E S.

“OOH BABY IT’S tImE fOr WoRlD wAr TwO.” said a cripple.

Iceland didn’t appreciate Strongheart taking a nap in it’s volcano, so Discord shot down 69,420 aircraft, through use of Baltimare Anti-Air.
Fancy Pants promised the public A D D I T I O N A L P Y L O N S, so he quickly became the new ruler of Equestria, much to the dismay of the complacent bat ponies.

Then Fluttershy flying kicked the dragon for taking a nap, the dragon then decided to burn down Vanhoover, but nopony cared because the inhabitants spoke French.
An iceberg then hit Equestria and it sunk into the ocean within about 3.141592653 seconds.

“HAH” yelled Starswirl as he ate a Pi.

Then Trixie’s leg got ripped off by a feral Zephyr Breeze.

“ZOUCH” She screamed in Danish.

Then Chrysalis Zerg rushed the remainder of drowned Equestria, which wasn’t much and Molestia’s guards were more incompetant than her civilians.
Then Hasbro copyrighted all the characters, so everypony had a ™ above their heads.

Fick fockers disliked the excessive usage of terrible music to announce the arrival of mounds of snow (lol). Rick Astley the quitter gave up smoking Georges' 11 packs of cigarettes. GEORGE JOINS PETA.

Author's Note

I think I'm progressivly getting better at this chaos-writing, i've been doing it for about 2 years now.

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Pinkie Pie grabbed her 420.69 tonne sledge hammer and walked into her orphanage, she promptly smashed the everyone into a fine pulp, which she offered to Mao Zedong.
Mao Zedong drank it all, which caused the fandom to start shipping him and Pinkie Pie in what they called Pinkie Dong.

Then an oil leak happened, making shipping fuel go everywhere, Erwin Rommel took full advantage of it and used it to fuel Ghost Division, since Himmler apparently didn’t have any regular fuel left, Erwin yeeted his division into Paris, so the French did what they did best, they surrendered.

Princess Celestia was proud so she got her sister to host another great Molest Fest.
So Discord went on discord, where he started counting to a very thicc number.
Then China finally recovered from Corona time, so Coronavirus 2 electric boogaloo yeeted everyone with help from Bernie Sanders, the communist dictator.

A Messerschmitt ME 163 Komet flew into a doorknob which Queen Chrysalis was planning on walking through, she did a 420 degree spin and walked into a wall, she did another 420 degree spin and walked away.

“Okay, hoomer.” Said Homer SIMPson.

Then democracy admitted it was a mistake so Communism, Socialism, Fascism, Nationalism, Anarchy, Anarcho-fascism, Anarcho-communism, Anarcho-monarchism, Monarchism… I give up, there’s way too many ideologies.

“Also contrary to the belief of the reviews this story was not made for the purpose of trolling, but for twisted comedy and the simple fact that I legitimately enjoy writing this.” Said a connoisseur of memelicious content.

I then fell asleep and somehow twisted my ankle, and fell in a hole that turned out to be a gateway to Allah, who told me to play roblox rise of nations, play Egypt and establish the Islamic Caliphate.
This caused a katyusha rocket to teleport behind Chad (both the country and the person) and ask Obama to do a black flip.

“Y̴̡̛͙̔͐̑͋̽̂͋̀͐͠O̵̻̠͂̆͂̾̾̆͂̇͒̓͝Ų̷̞͙͖͖̼̥̯̪͓̼̪̬̗͚̈͛͗̎̽̿̓̈́̑̑̀̈̑́̚͝ͅ ̸̢̢̻͉̭̝̰̽̏̑̔̈͊̎̑̅R̷̛̝͉̣̥͆̀̌̒̂̂̅̇̔Ȩ̷̡̘̦͓̬͓̰̖̲͙̦̐ͅQ̷̟͚̻͖̹̹̗̖̩̱͚̾̀̒̎͋͗͑̀͜͜U̴̧̡̲͙̼͆̋̌̄͐̒ͅͅI̶̡̛͉͓̰̱͚̮̦͇͒̽͋͑̄̌̈̾̆̌̊͝͝ͅŔ̵͈̘͕̰̻̹͍̟̍̀̈́̐̉̈́̓̽͒̍͠ͅĘ̸̮̦̞̺̗̱͉͈̪̎̾̅͐͆̾͂̾͑̅͘ ̸̝̒̄͆̾M̵̡̧̛͓͚͚͎̩̋O̵̡̧̜̰͍͉͚͍̪̗̽̔͆̇́̀̒̌̓͂̄R̵̛̭̻̲͖̤͍̽̔̂̑́̽͒̉́̾͊̐̕̚Ẻ̶̔̏̓̅̐̎̓͒͋͂͗̆͝ͅ ̵̺̭͇̬͚̫̩͓̯͖͔̎́̃̂̚M̵̡̢̬̭̘̫̣̩̖͍̦͑̈I̷̬̫̔͗͊̀̇̑̏̀̀̓̕Ņ̸̧͕͉͔̯̼̞͈̗͔͚̩̟͂̊̎̽͂͒̈̒̚̚̕̚͠ͅḘ̶̢̫̟̞̱̭͚̩̣̀̌̏͗̿̈̃͒̅̍̄̕̕̚͝Ŗ̴͙̺̥̝̮͕̩̔̀̉̕A̶̤̎̿̉̉̈́̈́̾̉͊̊L̵̜̎̒̿̎̑̅̈́̿̐̈̊̔̎͝͝S̸̛̗̹̖̥̪̼̏̊̄͊̔̅̈́̅̕͝.” Said starcraft 2, even though I HAD MORE THAN DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF MINERALS I NEEDED TO CONSTRUCT A CARRIER DAMN IT!

I would like to apologise if you struggled reading those lines.
So Alabama poked Starlight until she sang a song.

Three months of Siberia coolness
And awesome industry
We've kept our tanks warm at home
Time off from play to work
But the food is always running out
And we can't grow in this cold
And even though I love repelling the Nazis
This fashion's getting old
The time has come to welcome the spring offensive
And all things war-related
But it's also time to say goodbye
It's German blood we must clean
How can I help? I'm new, you see
What does everysoviet do?
How do I fit in without war crimes?
I haven't got a clue!
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
Let's finish off those fucking Nazis
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern bloc–
–Is here!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern bloc is here!
Bringing home the Siberian troops
A Trans-Siberian rail’ job begins
And clearing all the German occupied lands
To let the Red army in
We move the Panzers
And we melt the German troops
When the Divisions push forwards
Their strength and power will show!
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
Let's finish off those fucking Nazis
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern bloc is here
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here!
Little Germans corpses
Under the snow and ice
We stomp on their heads
So brutally and efficient
We push into Europe
Burn their homes above
We welcome back the Siberian troops
So the Red Army can grow!
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
Let's finish off those fucking Nazis
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here!
No easy task to clear the strongholds
Plant our tiny bombs
With proper care and air superiority
Everyone it kills
Incendiary, high-explosive
armour-piercing too
We must advance so very hard
It's just so much to kill!
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
Let's finish off those fucking Nazis
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here!
Now that I know what we all do
I have to find my place in the army
And help with all of my strength
Tough task ahead I face
How will I help without my war crimes
Help the Russian way
I wanna belong so I must
Do my best this campaign,
Do my best this campaign!
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
Let's finish off those fucking Nazis
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
Seize Berlin! Seize Berlin!
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here
'Cause tomorrow the Eastern-bloc is here!

Starlight sang it with such melody and talent that we ignored her small history as a war criminal.

Author's Note

I would like to say that I do not necessarily follow the political themes expressed in this story.
This chapter took way too much motivation and time to make, but here it is.

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

“Mein gott” muttered Hirohito’s 69th chin.

Afghanistan slurped up Pakistan’s juices that India’s pizza was supposed to be own, making the Sokoto Caliphate wanting to eat an onion, causing a wooden plank to spiral into a loop of sending random PMs to the first person that it comes across.

“Stop it.” said the oWcHe

China proceed to claim the entire pacific ocean as the East China sea, making the UK declare war, but China threatened to make Vedinia eat the River Federation.

“You’re thicc.” shouted Yakyakistan in a Iranian accent at Celestia’s moderately scorched pet.

“Oom, super bendy.” spoke Meth’s bag.

“Look at my Little Pony.” commanded Discord to the slightly inflated helium ballon

The Helium balloon fell into a hole and cracked its non-existent ankle on Iraq.

“STOP TRIPPING ON ME!” Shouted Iraq in an Uqbekistani accent

Applejack proceed to trip on Iraq, which was so infuriating that Iraq blitzkrieged Iran, Saddle Arabia, Afghanistan, but Assad slapped the people of Iraq with the power of Allah, Celestia the thicc didn’t like this one bit, so she threw 800 spies at the changeling lands.

“Get some help” Said Finland Olenia.

Celestia then set herself on fire, she called herself nightbreaker, because she wanted to pick up the night and drop it off a cliff, this didn’t sit well with Rosa Maledicta.

“Who should we kill?” asked Otto von Bridle Mark

Rosa Maledicta then was shown in front of the yakko’s world meme, except it was the EAW map.
Amelia the Ear decided to read more goddamn Opium (yeah, because that’s something that you can read), Purpleie Purple liked that.

The Sprinkle Can decided to eat M O R E C R Y S T A L S, Sombra hated that so much that he stuffed Siberia into an apartment block.

“Oof.” whispered a truck constructed of rods and balls.

SHE’S STEALING MY RODS AND BALLS! I said without quotation marx, in the language of circle-jerk.

“I’m an enlightened sentry, because I have a rational, modern, and well-informed outlook on guarding access to a place.” said an enlightened Sentry.

The SS then threw stones from The Magical Land Of Germany, who’s money printers were going brrrr.

“Would you like to buy this loaf of bread for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, marks?” asked the Indian cashier, “also I need your bank account details for totally legitimate reasons.”

“Yes.” said the Nigerian Prince.

Genghis Khan disliked his glass of Juice, so he told a joke.

“So get this, 3 Jews walk into a shower… they leave through the chimney.”

Spanish man laughed so hard that he threw portugal into the Red sea, Justin Beaver pony told him he was being racist, because he had posted on #Blacklivesdon’tmatter (A cause I fully support).
I then shot the beaver and yelled at G E O R G E to wake up, or I’ll use the cock slicerTM on Hirohoto the hothead’s enormous penis.

“You need to stop!” pleaded the people reading this story, seeing how I was dipping further away from sanity.

Hermann Göring wanted to not be associated with people showing actual concern for people’s welfare, so he rode into the sunset utop his noble steed, Princess Twilight Sprinkle.

Hah, you people actually believe I’m a real person, I’m just a fake persona conjured up by some people: someone made to try get maximum sympathy from the reading audience, and totally not some 13 year old male sitting in english class blasting Hearts of Iron 4: Waking the Tiger OST Empire of the Sun into his ears much louder than is healthy for him.

“Oh my god, that totally was like an amazing chapter.” Said generic highschool female.

Alexander Hamilton shot her 4 times in the chest, Thotto showed clear disappointment when her ribs deflected none of the rounds.

Author's Note

My normal writing times have been restricted by lock-down, and then further restricted by the inability to use the computers in the library, this chapter was patched together with small moments I had, that should also translate into lower-quality work, but I don't think you can get much lower quality than... this.

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The White glockenspiel was disappointed in Alexander the Great’s namesake, who was currently eating a bookshelf labelled damn opium is pretty lit.
Jesus the absolute unit shat out the computer I’m currently writing with’s N E W U P D A T E S.

“Damn it!” I shouted at microhard word, which I DIDN’T WANT TO USE BECAUSE IT’S FOR BOOMERS.

Then Gollum decided to finally talk with me about his semen, which he said was a very interesting topic, I also quoted Lorx’s sandwich in a Arabic accent.
Don Neigh was moderately traumatised by the proceedings, so much so that he held a speech about why the Countdown Carpark between the hours of 12am and 4am is an excellent place to spend a holiday.

Teh Mexican then consumed some horse meat, which he didn’t find to his liking, much to the dismay of Yetley Ponk Rice (An OC that will never appear again and I will forget about).

“I did Bloshevik see that coming,” Said Joe.

“Nah, it only works with the NSDAP party.” Said Adolf.

“I did NSDAP see that coming,” Said Joe.

“You’re supposed to say: I did Nazi that coming,” Adolf told Joe.

Starlight Glimmer was annoyed by the rephrasing of this slightly repetitive pun, so she started quoting people.
“With enough rhubarb you can blow up a house.”
“NASA plans to probe deeper into Uranus than ever before.”
“He grabbed a crotch and popped it into his mouth.”
“Don’t take another suck”
“Hobobblerfishling”
“(GONE WRONG) (GONE SEXUAL) (COPS CALLED) (IN THE HOOD) (FREE PORNHUB PREMIUM) SEX WITH KYLEIE JENNER) (DO NOT WATCH AT 3 AM) (DEADPOOL SAID HES GAY) (CARDI B TWERKED) (SEXY) (18+)”

On the last one Instant Churchill kashot her with a 800 millimetre MP44,so I pulled up nukemap and planned the bombing of the entire coast of South America for laughs.
I then stroked myself because SOMEONE ACTUALLY RESPONDED TO THE 118 MESSAGES I SENT THEM THROUGH FANFICTION PM.

“And while you’re disrespecting Belgium’s neutrality, make sure to send random PMs to MLG Hurd, he’ll enjoy having a new person to spam.” Said Kaiser mlehliW.

Yoda then fucked a window (Shit! I have to change the rating on Fimfiction).

“Eh, you’ll be fine, it's not like anyone who gets this far will have enough sanity left in them to click the report button.” Said Yoda as he continued embedding Richard Long into the window.

“WHAT’S WARM AND GOOEY, SAUCY AND CHEWY?, WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH? IT’S GOTTA BE DICKS!” Said a Richard Long-window hybrid as he crushed a computer in his mouth.

Kool Aid Man actually did something for the first time in (How many) chapters (that’s assuming I’ve even mentioned him, but I usually do).
I then had a fart attack because Nice capitulated Useless, Disloyal Land.

“You damn Cuba.” Uttered Burger.

“B E G O N E U N H O L Y D E M O N ! !” Uttered a madlad that was consuming some serious Hitler dong.

I then checked the like to dislike ratio on Fimfiction, and I was fucking disapointed, only 18 dislikes? What a disappointment, I was expecting at least 28,980 dislikes.

“hAhAhA tHaT’s ThE fUnNy NuMbEr.” said an intellectual

(for all you gronks, it’s 420x69).

I Oofed my foot into a can of jars, which I had a dream about.

“I am depressed,” lamented Turbulent Instability “I have seen the true beauty of a literature, and I will never be able to replicate such a masterpiece”.

Hi my name is houj yes i no it is a weird name. We are going to miss the bus houj my mum said. So i got on the bus. BOOM. the bus was on a train!!!. BOOM. now the bus was on the titanic!!! AAA!!! Look a fish dad said. What i said. BOOM. now we are on the highway. That is good. Look a car mum said. What me and dad said.
Boom. the bus crash in to bus? That mum is in what mum is in?.and i am in? Hi me i said. Boom. we are on a train hmm look a broken railway that is bad boom we are in roblox jailbreak roblox player what!!! The ### he said as he ran a way. Boom. we are home!!!

Gogogogoogogoogogogogogogoogogogogogoggogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogoogogooggogogogogogogogogogogogogogoogogogogogo. I said boom. Is that a blak hole? Mum said. Yes i is dad said. Boom look at the iphonex i said. Boom. look a cat i said. Boom look a nuke said mum boom. Look a cow said dad. Boom ahhhhhhhhhh a ghost ma ha ha said the ghost. Boom bmgdrive i said what dad said why did i say that? I said. Boom 3 2 1 boom not the bus boom but a nuke boom. Ahftbb. Boom not the nuke boom but the bus boom. Woff woff woff woff!!!! A cat said?. What me and mum and dad said. Sam is the name of my mum. Sam are you a cow a man in a black t-shirt said. What no said sam. Me to i am not a cow said a cow. Boom!!!. The bus is on the highway look out!!! I said as the bus just miss a nuke. Boom as the bus went threw the Monty Python and the Holy Grail me and dad got guns. And. boom sorry i'm writing tiss as i am on the bus. Mum i said can i eat the gum. Yes said mum as i aet the gum i know that i was going to get sum food on the way. And we did. Boom the bus was on the highway but we had kfc on the bus yay me and mum and dad said. And that day we had kfc. Boom the bus was in the bus and that bus was in that bus ok you get the pont ummmm i said as i aet a hamburger. Boom the bus now was a boat shark!!! Mum said arrrrrrrrrr. Boom we are home agen. Boom we are on the highway agen. Boom the bus was a cat. Look at the food mum said you meen cat food i said yeet dad said what i said. Boom its raining tacos from out of the sky i said yum tacos my farit mum said me and dad and mum all ate tacos. Boom hiss said a creeper we are in minecraft i said wood said dad as he got wood then jump back on the bus. Boom a sin said i need wood. Boom max sam said look its the kid from the story the bus. Boom what just happened i said we just went in to a story dad said. Boom we are back on the highway fish for lunch said dad yum said mum as we aet the fish. Boom creeper ow man i said why did you say that mum said look a minecraft creeper i said oh mum said. Boom look at the me i said no not godzilla yes me i said. Boom what a Arsenal play said oof the arsenal play died a i o most died but. Boom more kfc i said as kfc nuke me and dad hay i do not get kfc mum said. The and or is it?

(That was a story that my brother made).
Shining Armour (Fuck America) muttered something about Islamic sauce as he Hurd this.

“S O K O T O C A L I P H A T E “Said David the Wallace remover
Hello.
Stop.
M O R E T E X T.
We can’t all be as charming as me.
I’m fucking narcasistic as a Heater.
Don't Ask me where that came from.
Because I don’t know the answer to that.
Oh well.
Tasty Gromit flesh.
No, I did not eat your dog, you rasis.
That’s pretty lit, you gotta admit.
God, why do I need so many placeholder lines.
Wait, I know the answer.
Also I like boomers for dinner.
Dammit, Gromit, i’m going to eat my own crotch.
I wonder what this chapter’s word count is gonna be?
I ate flour yesterday.

Author’s note: That’s another chapter of Help Equestria done, in all seriousness I am very thankful to everyone who has taken the time to read this, the people that somehow enjoy this.

Author's Note

This absolute wild ride is currently my highest priority story that I expend the most effort on, I intend to keep it that way for a time to come, and now that I am able to work on this in school hours my productivity for this story should spike. Although I usually say I’m going to prioritise a story when I start making a chapter, then I give up on it, just like Rick Assley gave up on everything.
In all seriousness thank you for bothering to reading this.

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

“STOP UNPLUGGING MY DAMN ETHERNET CABLE YOU HOBHULINGOBGRANDE!” I yelled as I cast Georgely boi into the Andromeda Galaxy, which promptly proceed to be annoyed at that subtle alliteration, which only happened because it was annoyed at my absolute alliteration, which wouldn’t have happened if they weren’t annoyed at something that wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t get frustrated at it.

“Leave the incomprehensible, unfollowable trains of thoughts to me.” Said Pinkie Pie as she forcibly injected Autism into a random Appleosan.

“You don’t understand, existence is meaningless and we’re all going to die.” Insisted The Democratic People’s Revolutionary Democratic Republic of Democracy.

“‘’’ ‘’’’’ ‘’ ‘’’’’” Said the Llama that was overfond of contractions.

“Holy E, I just Medleyed my cock.” said the sexy Japanese man.

Princess Friendship of Friendship then was irritated because I had to add the “Sex” tag on Fimfiction, and while she was a t it, she added all the other warning tags.

The Greenhouse banged a non-consenting Winnie the Churchill, then ripped him open.

“There, now I’ve achieved like 3 warnings in a single sentence.” Said the Author that was being locked in a basement and made to do more work on this story (Help me, please).

Then Franz Ferdinand decided that he had enough of the Sebian Nationalist’s shit, so he shot himself, making the Serbian Nationalist lose his sense of purpose, so he fell into a crippling depression that was comparable to a toaster that was crushed by a stapler.

Then the 120ml bottle of screen clean ate a Russian sea, which made Russia moan, as it wanted warm water, because Peter had a warm water fetish.

“WASHING MACHINE IS MASTERBATING” said MeTh

Turbulent Instability found this more disturbing than the banning of r/darkhumorandmemes.

“That bourgeois Jew needs more piglets.” Said The man that fell into the river, “I used to rule the world.”

“You kittyfucker, go eat a Papist’s lunch in a pseudo-German accent whilst shouting at the person behind me to DAMN STOP READING THE STORY I’M WRITING.” Said Wreck Ashley.

Hermane Göring ate Thoto Von Bismarck’s Bismarck Class Battleship, which made Kool Aid man launch himself into Isis’s space fleet consisting of over 489469374073949388377837837837833838737383 spacecraft.

“You’ve got to stop” insisted Gergerrreeee to me counting to a ridiculously large number.

I almost hung myself following the Monday Purges of Reddit.

“Let’s have a moment of silence for those who didn’t make it.” Said the survivors.
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“NEIN, NOT R/DARKHUMORANDMEMES!” I Lamented in a vaguely friction accent.
This caused Monty Python to ejaculate the entire bee movie script out of the tendrils floating out of his Indonesian colony.
Equestria MK3083664885356784983637853875898765475565759541651945757192946245156124346987654858364885674514761485455265467255456742742745427214545271457465754467577464525756645654268445754555272425642754452245452754567281 Disliked the taste of liquid zoomer.

Cheesy Chive drank all of my Nigger Koolaid, so Kool Aid Man raped his sister.
Causing Turbulent Instability to moan something about Libleft having a hard anal sex orgy on the frontlines while the Centrists grilled to feed their orgy.

Author's Note

Author’s note: “Neo-liberals deserve to go eat a fetishes plant.”
That’s my quote of the day, now for this story, I am sorry that this chapter has taken longer to get out than expected, I was occupied by helping someone write an obscure story involving war crimes, Winnie the Churchill fetish, rape, and structed chaos designed rather like this story, also I'm going on term break soon, so expect next to no new chapters for the next 2 weeks.
(I, as in the person mentioned above am also beta reading and invading this intro for no reason but to annoy the author. For those unaware of what that means, basically I'm a cave gremlin who lurks in the docs who occasionally spell checks for this loony and makes sure the story is up to only the finest quality of shitposts. Why do you care? You don't. This will most likely get deleted so you're not actually reading this. Unless you are in which case you have one one free ticket to the Nanjing Rape Party and Jew Barbeque. Huray! Now scurry off you filthy little dirt children before I melt your teeth into my cave gremlin stew.)

Chapter 2

Twilight Sparkle 2 electric boogaloo assembled the Maginot line from a box sent from IKEA, as she finished an artillery emplacement that faced west instead of east the changelings invaded.

“Fire!” She commanded in a magically amplified voice with maximum bass-boosting.

The artillery rained fire on Paris, which made André Maginot throw Twilight Sparkle 2 electric boogaloo into a wood chipper.

“Do you wanna hear my song?” Pinkie Pie asked the oppressed populous of Gallopoli .

“Sure, as long as it’s not one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune.” Said a colt that was immediately shot by a Guatemalan chicken.

"Whe-" Began Pinkie.

She was abruptly cut off by Fechlin's garden shears, imported straight from the R/Gocommitdie subreddit.

Gallopoli was then attacked by upside-down ponies, which then died because of their incompetence.
A fat goblin applauded wildly at the chaos that was making Discord slightly envious.
The central powers were about to win WWI, but the Tsar called for help from the Ooftwaffe, the Robloxian airforce, that smashed the infrastructure of Germany, Austria-Hungary and The Ottoman empire into a state comparable to Siberia, so Bloxville stoled South Africa from Great Britain that went on an angry rant.

"George Georg is a fraud, a fake, a spook (like Fechlin)." Announced E, the Tyrant.

The word count adder chuckled as he made minor edits to this story to enhance the story without adding it to the top of the update queue.

Author's Note

Chapter 2, very gneiss.