Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

by FourShadow

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Trixie, Dazzlings, Comedy, Other, Equestria Girls, Flash Sentry, Random
Length: 5074

There's specific reasons why the Dazzlings aren't allowed to drive certain vehicles...

During a hangout at the Dazzlings' penthouse, some disturbing information leaks about Adagio's previous history with planes. And it only gets worse from there...

This story is set in the Shattered-verse, no readings required. Has no affliliation to the classic John Hughes movie, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Inspired by many crashes and fails seen on television shows.

Contains random silliness. Enjoy.

Published 2020-05-14 13:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-14 13:30:01 UTC

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Author's Note

I just got a weird idea out of the blue, I figured why the heck not? Make this a thing.

Not really anything to be taken seriously, just made this for shits and giggles. Enjoy! :rainbowwild:

And thanks again to Scholarly-Cimmerian for proofreading! ^^

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

"They are not!"

"They are too!"

"You are completely missing the point, you're just throwing random things out the window without giving it any basis of thought," Adagio argued.

"You're ignoring what I'm saying because you're a narcissist," Aria growled. "Zombies and cookie zombies are the same thing!"

Adagio blinked. "... Cookie zombies eat cookies, not people."

"They're still zombies, Adagio!"

Adagio slowly leaned back and smirked. "Alright. You gave me no choice. Trixie, get her."

"--If a regular zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie," Trixie began. "If a cookie zombie bites you, you just get a bite. It's only by having those rainbow infected cookies that you turn into one of those cookie zombies. Absolutely nothing else impacts this order, the regular zombies still act as real zombies."

Aria just grunted and threw her arms up in defeat. There was no beating her at this, she brought out the ultimate weapon; a geek.

"Good girl, here's a cakey," Adagio said, passing her a small piece of chocolate cake.

"Oh thank you," Trixie squeaked, accepting a piece.

Someone knocked at the door.

"Oh, I got it," Aria said, getting up.

Sonata giggled. "Trixie's your secret weapon?"

"When you're having a geek fight with your sister, it's always handy to have a smart cookie for standby," Adagio grinned, playfully petting Trixie's head, making her giggle as well.

On the other side of the door was none other than Flash Sentry; Aria's boyfriend, and lead guitar player for the Flash Drive band at CHS.

"Flash, babe, come on in," Aria grinned, letting the guitarist inside.

"Am I late?"

"No, you're on time. We're just having a nerd debate, that's all. Adagio pulled out her secret weapon on me again," Aria scowled, parking herself back on the couch with the others.

Adagio winked while sticking her tongue out. "Flash, good to see you again, you handsome boy."

Aria gave Adagio another scowl, following by a neck slicing metaphor with her hand.

"So, have you heard any news on this last school day plan?" Adagio asked.

"Oh, Principal Luna and Vice-Principal Celestia are still going over ideas for an end-of-school year trip."

"I don't know what she's planned, but if we end up going into another state or overseas, do not let Adagio fly an airplane. EVER," Aria said, sternly, pointing her finger at Trixie.

"Why is that?"

"No reason," Adagio said quickly, glaring at Aria.

"Oh don't you know? Adagio can't fly a plane. Know the reason we didn't call back during a bit of those days during the Friendship Games? It's because Adagio flew our plane into a raging thunderstorm, and like the idiot she is, didn't think to aim for the aircraft carrier that was asking us to come to it, and instead crashed us into an uncharted island. Oh but the stories don't end there..."

Adagio gave Aria a death glare, simultaneously crushing a glass cup. "Aria, you better not--"

"It was in the middle of World War II--"

"--You are grounded, young lady!"

"--Doesn't work like that," Aria said, childishly sticking her tongue out. "But it was in the middle of World War II, and Adagio decided to take a chance and try and join the battlefield by helping fly our US boys over a particular area. The initial plan was to fly somewhere and then our troops would jump out in parachutes and take control from the ground. That is until..."

1944

Adagio's fingers were at the helm of the pilot controls of the aircraft. Inside the plane was an entire platoon of troops ready to depart on another German base. Now most of the boys were hesitant at the idea of her flying the plane, but after a few hours of getting them there safely so far, they had nothing to worry about.

"Alright boys, almost there," Adagio announced. "Get those parachutes on, we're about to--"

BAM!

A mortal shell fired right at one of the engines, setting it on fire.

"Oh no! Everyone jump, now! Now now now--"

BAM!

And another one fired, now both engines were on fire, and she was taking a nose dive straight down.

"AHHHHH!!!!"

Far away from base, they could see the plane going down. A mushroom cloud looking explosion went up into the skies, with a fiery inferno covering most of the plane during the crash.

"Needless to say, only a single team and a half survived the crash with a few struggling remains of the other three. Somehow they managed to survive and win, but Adagio was still responsible for crashing since she didn't watch where she was going!"

"You try talking when you're being targeted from the ground," Adagio snarked.

"I can! And you know why? Because I hijacked a Corsair before launch, and the boys didn't even know it!"

"So? I did that too!"

"Oh really, did you now?"

A team of Corsairs flew across the dark and gloomy skies, heading into battle.

"Alright boys, let's make our mamas proud. Focus on that tower, let none of their bomber planes take off! Move on your own paths, but do not deviate from our current course," The pilot leader answered.

"Roger Bravo Leader," a teammate replied.

"Roger Bravo Leader," Aria said in her best manly voice as possible.

The planes split formation, now moving onto their own directions as per order. Two groups split, one group went straight for the ships that were pulling out into sea, while the other was going straight for the base where several planes were being loaded.

"Alright boys, take out those aircraft, deploy the bombs!"

"Rogar that, Bravo 2," Aria continued to gruffly reply. She pressed a button on the inside of her plane, and several bombs dropped from underneath sending a series of explosions down on two pieces of aircraft that she had targeted.

"Nice shot, Bravo 4!"

Aria didn't reply, and instead just kept her focus on taking care of more of the targets. A bright flash hit her face and she dodged out of the way. "No, no, no, not now..."

Turns out the troops on the ground were firing off their own weapons to strike back against the bombers. And there was a ton of them!

"Great. Adagio, listen up, we got--"

"Can't talk right now, getting attacked--and there goes my engine, I'm just going to eject really quickly at the--"

The radio went static on her end, and Aria watched as a plane was spiraling around and a single person with a parachute ejected from the plane.

"Bravo 7 is shot, I repeat Bravo 7 is shot!" Bravo 2 yelled.

"Oh no, Tinkerbell's going down, pull up, pull up, Tinker, no!!!"

And the plane exploded once it collided into the ground, still loaded with bombs. Aria could see Adagio parachuting safely, but with an eyeroll, she put her focus back on the battle. There was still work to be done!

"Not to brag, but I was one of the best fliers in the group. Mostly because unlike some people I actually tried and studied everything involving the planes we would be flying and fighting against."

"So yeah, don't trust Adagio to try and fly your airplane. The minute you do, she's going to completely forget what model it is, half the controls, and then crash it killing Luna knows how many innocents," Aria said smugly.

Adagio glared at her. "If you weren't immortal, I would have attempted to strangle you."

"You already tried that in our piracy days, didn't work," Aria deadpanned. "Besides you know you would never strangle me, you loooove me," she teased.

"You can be so annoying you know that?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah girls, Flash, do not EVER trust Adagio to fly a plane, she's a trainwreck waiting to happen."

Adagio was about to respond, until a devious idea came into her head. And a small devious grin grew on her lips. "A trainwreck, you say?" Adagio pointed out.

Aria heard glass shatter, and only now realized her mistake. "Don't you dare..."

"Dare what? Flash deserves to know why doesn't he? I mean, if you two get married some day and decide to travel, he should know why you aren't allowed to ride or drive trains anymore..."

Aria elbowed her sister's side. "Nothing out of you!"

"... What do you mean, you're no longer allowed to drive trains in Europe?" Flash asked, concerned.

Aria froze and food spilled from her mouth. “Um… uhhh…”

“Oh, you haven’t told him?” Adagio teased. “Why don’t you tell him? After all, you were so delighted to tell Trixie and all of our friends why I shouldn’t be allowed to pilot an airplane.”

“… It’s nothing,” Aria failed, trying to deny it.

“Okay, well if you won’t, I will. So you—”

“—Okay, stop!” Aria snarked. “Fine, I’ll tell them. Stupid, airplane, stupid…”

“Aria, what happened? It’s okay, you can tell me. I won’t laugh,” Flash said.

“You say that now, just wait til she tells you,” Sonata snickered before Aria elbowed her as well.

Aria groaned and rubbed her temples. “Okay, Flash, before I say anything… I just want to say, this was over 70 years ago, I’ve learned since then, and it’s not something I’m proud of. And if you don’t want to date me because of this, then I get it.”

“Aria, whatever you tell me is not going to make me want to stop dating you. Come on, just tell me,”

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s not so bad,” Lyra reassured.

“Ohhh… fine. Okay, just let me gather my thoughts here… okay. So before I begin, I’d like to remind you, this was after World War II. My sisters and I were trying to readjust to living life normally, and since we weren’t helping the war efforts, we started to look for regular jobs. We were in the United Kingdom at the time, so we started looking for places of work…

1946

Aria Blaze, dressed in workwear pants, a short-sleeved shirt, and with a single handbag walked through large open railyards. There were tons of freight cars and vans sitting in sidings, waiting to be used for whatever jobs the workmen had to use for that day. And she was walking towards the locomotive that she herself had put together; it wasn’t as big as those express engines were that took passengers around, but it did its job. And for a little bit of personal touch, she painted her logo on the sides so that people would know it belonged to her and her alone.

“Sonata found a job mixing drinks. Adagio found a job working at a boutique, and I? Well, I took a job hauling crud around on the railroad. I took passengers, I transferred mail, building supplies, food, I did a lot of stuff. Though it wasn’t fun… Honestly, out of all the jobs I’ve done over the years, I swear it was one of the worst.”

Aria’s face scrunched up as large clouds of coal dust exploded in her face, and her eyes were turning into devilish looking diamonds in anger. She was just trying to load up with more coal, what did she do to deserve this?

And stopping by the quarry didn’t help either. Dust from all the crumbling rocks hit her face, covering her dust. She left the yard immediately to find another place to work. The docks maybe? It was close to the sea; it was practically in her nature to want to be close to the sea.

Unfortunately, not even that made her work experience better. She wasn’t anywhere close to the wide-open ocean, and thanks to people having malfunctions with the cranes, several crates dropped on her and shattered into pieces. Now, luckily, she wasn’t hurt, but getting covered in everything from fish to treacle was making her want to explode. But she couldn’t; if she did now, she’d give away her identity, and then it would have to be moving time once again. So instead she just ignored everyone, got back into the train, and left the docks to find work somewhere else.

She tried going to the flour mill, and she was slammed in the back by another train and her face smashed against the controls. She pushed freight cars around, and ended up slamming through a wall. Aria did everything she could to avoid getting dirty or causing an accident, but she just couldn't stop it.

By the time it was lunch, she was sitting on the steps of her train eating lunch with a grumpy demeanor. She wanted the day to be over now, there was nothing that could save it. She tried cleaning herself up, but she couldn't get the treacle out, and she still smelled like fish. The odor just made her lose her appetite. Sure she liked fish, but only if they were cooked or still alive when she dove into the ocean like a siren.

She was about to call it quits for the day until she noticed a set of vans parked in a siding that were left alone. Four in total, all in pristine condition. But what attracted her was the strange pictures of what looked like a chef and the brand name underneath; Coco-Delights. Curious, she finally got out of her cave of a train and walked across the yard to get a closer look, and spoke to a nearby worker.

“Hey Conduit? What’s with the boxcars here?”

“It’s a load of sugar needing to go to the chocolate factory. The managers ordered them a few days ago, but no one’s signed up for the job. Too busy trying to move people back into their homes and rebuild what was lost during the war,” the man explained, taking a sip of his drink.

Aria, with a light bulb flickering over her head, got an idea.

“Wellll… do you think anyone would mind if I took them there? I need something to do, and I’d like to do some work that doesn’t involve getting covered in dust or coal for a change.”

“Well… alright. You can drive a train, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Alright, just pull up your train to those vans, and I’ll get you connected.”

“Great!”

The locomotive pulled up to the boxcars and Aria looked back to see the workmen connect the cars together. Now she was ready to go.

"Alright, so you're going to need to take a few stops just straight ahead. The factory owners requested a delivery of salt as well, so you need to pick up a salt wagon as well. And slow down when you turn around the corner. The hill's a little steep so if you don't slow down, you're going to demolish the factory."

Aria nodded and adjusted the switches inside her train. "Got it!"

The train's whistle blew, and she pulled out of the yard, carrying the wagons right behind her. She steamed out of the yard, ready to go. And with a puff of smoke, she finally made it out of the yard and onto the main line.

--

On the way to the factory, she stopped at a nearby station to connect an extra wagon to her train. In a siding just up ahead, there was a single salt wagon and brakevan for her to grab. She pulled up in front of the siding, got out, pulled the lever and reversed into the siding to connect to the last two cars. She grabbed a tool from the cabin and was ready to connect them--

"Oi!"

Until a workman was yelling out to her.

"Yeah? If you don't mind sir, I am kind of busy right now--"

"--You need to back all the way into the siding, now!"

"Calm down, what's the rush?" Aria asked with a confused expression.

"There's an out of control train racing this way! I was told to have the main line clear, the driver's still trying to slow it down!"

"... Huh. Well, why not just adjust the siding line right over there," Aria pointed to the other one that turned just before the station she was at.

"Are you insane!? That's not going to work!"

"Why?"

"Because--"

A whistle echoed in the distance. And worse, the train that they had been warned about? It was already there. The train coming behind them was getting closer. The workman tried to pull the switch, but it was too late. The train raced onto a siding, roaring past Aria and the workman. Several vans and freight cars flew right past them until the train ran around another bend down a straight line. Aria still didn't know what the trouble was until she saw where it was heading.

“… uh oh.”

And Aria’s eyes squinted and her mouth hissed. The train went right off the rails and crashed right through the stationmaster's house, straight into the dining room. Glass shattered, part of a tree busted through into the house, bits of cinder fell, and there was so much steam coming through Aria could swear it was almost a fire.

“Ooookay, I’m just going to leave now, you might want to call someone,” Aria said, trying to leave as quickly as she could. Not even looking back, she stepped on board and got her ride moving again. Briskly leaving the scene before anyone could ask her if it was her fault.

Her trip wasn’t so bad. She moved at a brisk pace, and hey, with only five cars and a brakevan behind her, it made for a smooth ride. She kept the train moving at a good speed, and only one thing was on her mind; maybe when she got there to the factory… maybe, just maybe she could sample some nice delicious sweet milk chocolate? After all, she was having a bad day, she could use something sweet to turn it around.

But when she approached the hill, she realized that her train was gaining speed as she was racing down. And the worker in the yard warned her to slow down! She tried to slow down, but it was no use, she gained more and more speed. And the factory, oh no, the factory was only mere feet ahead of her! And she still couldn't stop! Worse, a leaky freight car had spilled oil over the track earlier that day! And any chance of her slowing down was rapidly decreasing!

"Oh no."

--

Adagio had finished her shift for the day at work. As she stepped outside, she adjusted her dress, straightening herself. Maybe she would pay a visit to Sonata, get something to drink. Or maybe check on Aria, see how she was doing. Working on the rails would have to be difficult--

KABOOM!!!

Off in the distance, a large explosion burst into the air, making her jump out of panic. She looked at the source, seeing only a mushroom cloud of smoke rise in the air.

"What was that!?" Adagio looked ahead. And a dark idea hit her brain. "Aria."

Pushing people out of her way, she jumped into her car and drove off into the streets to the source of the explosion.

--

Aria had jumped just in time as the train burst through the walls of the factory, nearly crashing into one of the factory's giant mixers. She was covered from head to toe in hot, sticky, gooey, but delicious chocolate. She saw some of the factory workers trying to recover from the surprise, seeing nothing but anger and fear in their eyes. Some she swore were possibly maimed by the train, but she couldn't see (thank goodness.) But more anger came from the one who had slammed the door open revealing the manager of the factory who's face was fuming red.

"YOU!"

Aria had seen this type of rage, but it didn't scare her. She had seen it all now. "Yeah?"

"Are you the one who was delivering the sugar?"

"Yeah, it's me."

The manager was furious. His face was turning red and he angrily pointed at the massive holes that Aria plunged through the walls.

"Wh... LOOK AT MY FACTORY! It's ruined! It'll take me weeks, if not, months to repair all of this!" He exclaimed, kicking a set of barrels down. "I expected you to just deliver the sugar cars properly... not by blowing up. MY. FREAKING FACTORY!"

Aria, regaining her stability stood back up, and admittedly cringed, seeing the massive holes made through the factory walls which stretch all the way across from where she was supposed to stop, all the way through the other side.

"I don't even--wha... how? How could you screw something up so simple!?"

Aria pulled herself up and gave him a glare. "Buddy. I've been having a really crappy day, and I don't need more coming from you. I've been splashed with coal, rocks, fish, treacle, flour, tar, I've had enough! So don't start with me on one accident! You can get this fixed fine..." Aria stomped past him and yanked a mixing bowl away which was filled with delicious chocolate batter. She had no more cares, and she left the factory, and the workers in a fit of rage.

As she walked outside, she could see a car pull up. And who else was it, but Adagio herself. She looked at her with a disappointed face, looking at her disapprovingly.

"Aria..." she said with gritted teeth. "Do you mind explaining just HOW you managed to launch a small locomotive through the factory?" Adagio folded her arms.

"Um..."

Aria cringed, hearing more of the factory fall apart behind her with a loud clang and bang.

"... You really don't want to know."

"Needless to say, I was fired. And I am not allowed to drive any locomotives in Europe. By the time they went to try and find me, we had already fled back to America to work in cartoons again," Aria finished. "I know leaving the scene of an accident isn't good, but I had enough and I was just done with that day."

"It still doesn't excuse you scaring all those factory workers to death," Adagio glared.

"Don't. Start with me," Aria threatened. "Plane killer."

"Factory burner."

"Okay, okay, enough," Flash intervened. "Aria, I get it. You were having a bad day, and you couldn't stop the train in time. These things happen."

Aria smiled. "Thanks babe."

"You're just sucking up, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not. And I don't suck up," Flash pointed.

"Well, I'm just happy I don't have any dangers behind the wheel of a vehicle," Sonata said, innocently with her head perked up.

Aria and Adagio dropped their utensils in their food, glaring at Sonata, then to each other, and then back at Sonata.

"You suck at driving, Sonata," the two said in unison.

"No I don't!" Sonata said, defensively with her hands on her hips.

"Okay, now I have to ask. What happened here?"

"Well..."

1992

Sonata had finally finished building the riding mower. She wasn't granted a motorcycle, but she was ready to give this a try! She had followed the steps, she did everything she was supposed to, now she was ready to give it a test run.

"Lawn, ho!"

But the lawnmower instead jerked back and reversed straight through a fence. And all that stayed in the fence was a single exhaust pipe that had flown back. Adagio and Aria stepped out, somehow looking through the cloud of smoke to see her.

"I'm okay!"

"But that's just a lawnmower, it's not a car, silly."

"Oh really? How about this? Remember 1994?"

Sonata jerked the truck up too far, hitting the side of the garage. The noise scared Adagio so much that she dropped the paint can and brush, and flew right off the ladder, bouncing on the plank she had set up and slamming into the back of the truck and getting covered in paint in the process.

"Or how about in '93?"

Sonata drove like a madman, slamming right through a mailbox, a lamppost, several trash cans, and even newspaper stands sending everything flying into the air and poor civilians trying to get out of the way.

"Are you trying to kill the people who pay us our salaries!?" Adagio screamed, holding onto the sides of the car.

And then right through a fruit stand, sending fruit flying through the air and hitting more pedestrians.

"If we survive this, you are grounded, young lady!"

"I'm surprised you didn't kill anyone from that, I thought someone died because of your reckless driving!"

"Adagio kept yelling at me, what was I supposed to do!?"

And only more accidents followed throughout the years. Slamming into cars while failing to take in the red light signal, ramming down several signs that gave her explicit instructions but she ignored them anyway, unintentionally ramming a car so hard that it plunged into a canal, somehow managed to get trucks to fall right off the highway, honking at people which scared them so much they crashed, the list just got higher and higher.

Ramming through several farm fences. Crashing through the front window of a frat house's party with the grille guard knocking a man out cold. Driving straight into a lake. Ramming through several walls, scaring the living daylights out of every civilian for miles. Multi-tasking when she shouldn't have been was also something she tried doing while driving! Having a snack, trying to drink coffee, getting dressed and using her legs to hold onto the wheel, basically everything that no one should ever be doing while trying to focus on driving.

"Even in the middle 2000s, when technology was developing and supposed to be making things better, you still found a way to screw it up!"

"Hmm, the navigational system is messed up," Adagio said, looking at the GPS map. "It says we're in a park..." And then her eyes looked up. "Oh sweet Luna, it is a park! AWAY FROM THE KIDS! AIM FOR THE LAKE!"

Needless to say, she maimed several benches, picnic baskets, and signage that day until she did in fact, aim for the lake which sank. Luckily the people in the surrounding area were relieved to see Adagio and Sonata climbing out of the lake, but with less than amused expressions.

And a fish was visible in Adagio's hair, wriggling and writhing.

"You. Are. Grounded."

"Until this young lady learns to do a proper driving test like we've told her to do for over fifty years now, she should never be behind the wheel of a car," Adagio glared.

"At least I can fly a cropduster without panicking that I'll crash into a farmhouse! Oh wait, you did!"

"It was our farmhouse, you roadraging twit!"

"Cinders and ashes, Aria!" Sonata yelled.

"One train, Sonata!"

"Forget the one in 1885? Driving it onto an unfinished track and off a bridge ring any bells to you!?"

"Okay, maybe we should all take a few. Take a deep breath--" Trixie intervened, tittering. But they completely ignored her, brushing her off to the side.

"How about the fact you lost an entire platoon of men during World War II!? You might as well paint a giant target on your face!" Aria snapped.

"Okay, girls, maybe we should--"

And even Flash was ignored.

"At least I know when to attract attention when I need to, unlike you and your multiple train explosions!"

"ENOUGH!"

That combined yell came from both Flash and Trixie, finally breaking their argument and bringing it to a close.

"Girls, look. You all have had bad experiences with some form of transportation one way or another, that's fine! We're all flawed human beings, and I know you're Sirens, but the metaphor stands! Sonata, you may be rough when driving a car, but don't you know how to drive a boat?"

Sonata softly nodded. "I did get a boating license... and passed."

Flash smiled, looking back to his girlfriend. "And Aria, what about a few weeks ago, you took me for a ride on the back of a motorcycle. That doesn't sound to me like a girl who's blown up a train into a chocolate factory."

Aria brushed her arm, feeling Flash's hand patting her shoulder. She just smiled and patted his hand back.

Trixie then faced Adagio. "And Dagi... I know you think you're perfect, but you're really not. So you prefer being close to the ground and not high in the air, I understand. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Adagio smiled at that, kissing her cheek.

"And besides, no one is perfect at everything. Flash and I, we have driver's licenses, but do you think we were pros when we started?"

The girls shook their heads.

"No, exactly! The amount of times I banged into trashcans, nearly rear-ended another car, or almost backed up into my own house... I did not start off great. But you know what, I got better. We all do."

"Me too," Flash nodded.

Adagio sighed, rubbing the temples on her head.

"... I appreciate the eloquent speech on practice making better, but to be honest... it's probably better for some of us to just not be behind the wheel of certain vehicles. Honestly from my experience, I would prefer just flying on my own feet, not in a machine."

Aria threw her hat in as well. "And I kind of caused some more accidents while I was on the railway. Honestly, trying to drive a train is scary. You think piloting a plane is hard, just look at all the controls and switches you have to deal with while on a train."

"... I still think I can drive a car. It's just people on the road are so scary," Sonata whined.

"Can we at least agree that none of you are perfect at anything and still have much to learn?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Yes," they all agreed.

"See? Now that's better," Flash sighed in relief. "Anyone want pizza?"

"I do! I do!"

"Count me in."

"Sure!"

"Can I go pick it up?" Sonata asked.

"NO!"