The Advisors

by JustAnotherHistoryBuff

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Royal Guard, Profanity, Adventure, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 23434

Luna obtains some advisors to get the Royal Guard in shape. Little does she know how many advisors it will take.

The Royal Guard has gone through its latest blunder and Princess Celestia has had enough. In an effort to whip the guard in shape, she entrusts Princess Luna to hire new advisors. Little did she know who Luna would decide to bring.

Published 2020-04-26 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-26 12:07:39 UTC

The Guard's New Nightmare

Canterlot Castle was the safest place in the entirety of Equestria. That was a very well known fact that many understood. And yet still, some third rate villain always managed to find their way into the city and rain down chaos upon it's citizens... For about an hour or two. It really just depended on the villain. The record holder for longest sustained invasion of Canterlot was currently Discord, and he even had the plaque to prove it. Today's incident however was the last straw. It was nothing major at all, but it was incredibly stupid.

Well, one could say incredibly stupid is sort of an understatement. The fact that Celestia herself had consulted Luna to find anypony to fix the Royal Guard was disturbing enough. This was so bad that while Luna searched, Celestia decided to recall Shining Armor back from the Crystal Empire and his Princely duties in order to Captain the Royal Guard temporarily until proper ponies could be found to lead it competently.

So now Luna searched. At first she considered consulting the Griphons but she knew that it would take a lot of gold to even get one competent bird brain of an officer to help rebuild the guard. Next, she thought of going to the Minotaurs, but the only remotely intelligent Minotaur in existence was Ironwill, and he was a lawyer, not a soldier. All out of options, she opted to enter one of her "storage closets" where she kept all of her old spells and relics. Of course Celestia removed a lot of the relics which were quite dangerous, but Luna, being the smart Princess she was, opted to hide and keep a few just in case.

One such relic was similar to Celestia's mirror back in the Crystal Empire. However, instead of some portal in the form of an inanimate object, Luna simply pulled out a spell book and summoning ritual. Setting the whole thing up, Luna made sure that she set all the wards around the room so not even Celestia could enter before she performed the ritual. Chanting the primitive words, Luna vanished from existence with a flash.

*** *** ***

Being god was hard for God. There were perks of course, but even maintaining balance in every universe was nerve-racking for an all powerful, worshipped, immortal and celestial creature. That is why he had his angels do his tasks for him while he began to take up more hands on management of Heaven. But even management can wait for old friends.

When he sensed the ritual about to be performed, God immediately dropped what he was doing (something unholy if one wishes to know) and made sure to pass the daily budget review for Heaven onto Michael (even Heaven has to have a budget). He knew he could only trust Michael with the budget, especially after he tried letting Lucifer handle Heaven's budget (granted, he has gotten better with budget management in hell now).

Putting on a white Pinstripe suit and making sure everything was set up, God snapped a rather nice table and tea-set into existence on top of a balcony overlooking the near infinite rows of homes and parks that dotted Heaven and simply waited. It was not long before his guest arrived, and when she did, God could not help but smile.

"Luna, it is such a pleasure to see you again! My... how long has it been, 1000 years?" He said to his guest.

"1014 to be exact. How are you doing Chuck?" Luna answered as she made her way over to him.

"As good as God can be doing!" He said with a hearty laugh. "Oh, where are my manners? Please, sit down and allow me to pour you a cup of tea." He said, pulling out one of the seats and gesturing over to Luna to sit.

"Always the gentlemen. I am sorry for not keeping in touch the past few centuries. Being banished on the moon doesn't exactly allow for easy contact." She said, sitting down in her chair.

"Yes well... Balance must be preserved." God said.

"I admit, I understand that but back then, I did not fully grasp it."
Luna said as God poured her tea.

"Ah, don't be so drab. The past is the past! Even I cannot change it so be thankful that you don't have to ask for generals to be loaned over again." God said as he dropped 2 sugar cubes into Luna's tea. Immediately, he knew why she had visited as her face said it all when its expression changed at the statement.

"Well... That is sort of the reason for the call..." Luna began.

"It is alright, just tell me what happened. Put it bluntly or explain it depth, as far as we are concerned, I have all the time in the universe." He reassured with a slight chuckle under his breath.

"Well, to simply put it... The Royal Guard is in terrible state at the moment. It is not a matter of shortage of volunteers or budget cuts... But rather, dare I say this about my subjects but incompetence!" She explained.

"So... No loans in need to wage war against your sibling?" He said. With that, Luna gave him a bit of a shit face. "Hey, it is just a little joke."

"Well, you are right in that case. But I don't just need administrators and tacticians, I need strategists, trainers, the whole lot!" She said.

"I see... Well, I am sure Old Caesar and his boys may be able to help again..." God began before being cut off by Luna.

"No. As much as I like them, their methods of war and tactics are too outdated. I want something more modern, but I don't want a idiot who can't tell what the Tartarus it means to fight back. I had Mareclellan for that job." With that last statement, God chuckled.

"What was so funny?" Luna inquired.

"Oh nothing... It is just, I know someone very similar to what you just described." He said.

"Well, as much as I am in the mood for more small talk and catching up, I really must hurry as I do not want my dear sister to see that I have gone. I know how much her little thing with cake can become... annoying, to say the least." Luna stated.

"Oh well that is no problem but I do agree, she needs to get some help with that... Now, what selection would you like? In the past millennium, quite a fashionable amount of commanders have gone through their lives. Some are honorable, others ruthless for their own personal gain. Here, I'll give you a portfolio and you may tell me what era seems to please you. I personally would recommend before what humanity calls, the "Cold War". All the fighting seems to take place in jungles and deserts there... very little cohesion." He said, snapping a few folders of conflicts into view and handing it to Luna.

For a few minutes, he watched Luna search through each conflict portfolio, no doubt wondering how much she missed in the years that she was gone. She seemed quite interested in the Napoleonic Era but she cast that document to the side saying that it still seemed less modern. Finally though, she did seem to find a conflict she found fitting.

"So, you want the one of the Second World War eh? Well, I am going to have to limit the selection there." God stated.

"And why is that?" Luna asked.

"I'll tell you what. I lend you the documentation on the entire conflict and what happened on the side with it... trust me, it is a handful and when you read it, you'll understand why I limited your choices."

"Alright. Well, is there anyone in here that isn't afraid to more of less, to not kiss a rear and will probably yell at someone for bucking... fucking up?" Luna asked, scanning through the portfolios. With a snap of his finger, the portfolios on generals narrowed down to a select few right before Luna's eyes.

"Who is this Walter Model?" She asked, pointing to a picture of a human wearing a monocle.

"Ah, the Front Swine. I must say, he did get the job done but his officers absolutely hated him. At one point when he was given a new command, all of his officers decided to request a transfer, it was that bad. He is also quite foul mouthed and when he came up here, reception sent him straight to hell. He is just a very disgusting man..." God stated."

"I... I see... alright, so... who is this Bernard Montgomery now?" Luna said looking through the portfolio.

"Monty... he is an, interesting character... and I have seen them all, heh. He can make you a good army but be warned, he doesn't like to dirty it up, so to speak. You get what I mean?"

"I guess, anything else I should know?

"Yes, he has a notorious lack of diplomacy. That man will take a joke seriously no matter how it was intended." God said, looking back to the story Eisenhower told him when he first arrived in Heaven about the B-17.

"Ok... next one. Now, what about this Patton?" Luna asked.

"Ah, Old Blood and Guts. Very... temperamental. All the qualities you want, but if you are gonna take him, there are a few others that I will require you take with him. And that is for your guard's own safety." God said.

"Well... you can't have everything I guess... Well, who else do I need to take?" Luna asked.

"I'll send Eisenhower and Bradley with him. Those two have kept him in line before so I trust them to do it again. OH! And I will also send Monty to you in a few weeks once they get settled in."

"Why is that?"

"Simple, Monty annoys the shit out of all of them." God said. With that, the two had a good laugh and conversed for a few more minutes before parting ways.

*** *** ***

Two Weeks Later

Quiet was a word that was supposed to be peaceful in Canterlot castle. However, in recent weeks, that word had been associated with the upcoming change that the guard was to experience ever since Celestia and Luna snapped. For the now former Captain of the Guard Mareclellan, he was walking to a meeting that probably was going to determine his date within the guard, along with the officers he appointed.

Making his way through the silent halls of the castle, he began to look back at his career from the point he enlisted. Granted, he wasn't the best tactician but he was a pretty good administrator so when the previous Captain married his way into royalty, the bureaucratic nobles managed to persuade the princesses (for once) to put a good administrator in charge of the Royal Guard to save money since the Elements of Harmony could handle all the problems. But now... The princesses would have their way, albeit in an entirely different fashion from what he had heard.

Making his way to the recently added conference room in the castle's eastern enclave, Mareclellan found himself in front of two large and imposing doors with a couple of guards opposite each other on each side. With a simple salute, the guards opened the doors simultaneously and only closed them when Mareclellan entered the darkened room. When the door closed, the feeling of fear fell over him as he wondered what his fate would be.

Suddenly, a light turned on from the chandelier above that revealed Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, the former Captain Shining Armor, and 3 odd looking bipedals wearing olive green uniforms. Two of them had caps in front of them on the table adorned in an eagle holding a shield with stars on it while the rather tall looking one (and the seemingly pissed off one as well) had a helmet with 4 stars imprinted on it. For a second, he stood there in silence as he was being studied by the beings top to bottom, making him extremely uncomfortable. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the silence was broken when the tall one suddenly spoke up.

"So... This is the chucklefuck we have to fix. Seems like this gonna be an interesting one boys." He said, earning a look from the bald one and a subtle facepalm from the other. Little did Mareclellan know that this was to be the new nightmare that would plague him for as long as he fucked up.

Author's Note

Hey everybody! This here is a new story that had gone through a couple of draft iterations but finally got settled on with this. Now... This is more of a test if anything as I simply want to see how this goes and I want any sort of feedback so that I can perfect it. If reviews are generally favorable, then I'll continue it. If more work is needed, then I will shutter this up on hiatus and the relaunch it. (Also, anyone get the Supernatural reference?) See you in the comments folks!

Back to Basic

"Nice first impressions George. Real smooth." Bradley said as the 3 generals walked into their quarters which was set up in the guest wing of the castle.

"Oh c'mon Brad, it wasn't like I fucking slapped the numbnut. Besides, that jackass had it coming and you know it." Patton said, taking his helmet off and tossing it on one of the plush chairs provided for them.

"Brad, as much as I would hate to agree... Georgie has a point. That little shit clearly needs to know who the hell is in charge right now. I don't want another god damn Montgomery situation on out hands." Eisenhower said, taking a seat and pulling over a bottle of whiskey that was left on the table.

"Thank you Ike. Hey, is that from my personal stash?" Patton said, pointing towards the bottle of whiskey.

"Deal with it George. Besides, you always have the best drinks anyways so go get the shot glasses." Eisenhower said.

"Jeez, anything else Mr President? How about a U-2 report eh?" Patton said walking over to the large cabinet that held his "stash" that he collected over his years.

"Motherfucker." Eisenhower muttered under his breath.

"Alright so... Looks like we have our hands full with a whole load of horse shit here." Bradley said while taking his boots off.

"You can say that again. How does a god damn country of intelligent horses not even have a centralized army? That sort of shit doesn't make sense." Patton said, setting the shot glasses on the table.

"Well George you gotta remember that these horses haven't seen a major war in centuries. From the looks of it when looking back through the documents, the only straight shooters they have had in command of their shit are a few of the Wonderbolts commanders and that Shining Armor fellow that was sitting right next to us." Eisenhower said, pouring the drinks into each glass.

"Hm... I actually like the kid. You can tell he doesn't stand for shit. How the hell his successor turned out to be that stupid, I have no fucking idea." Patton said, taking a glass from the table.

"Amen to that Georgie... Well, regardless of the nonsense, we got shit to do tomorrow." Bradley said.

"Well then... Let's toast to our new fucking jobs boys. May God have mercy on our sanity." Patton said, holding up his glass for the toast. With that, the 3 generals took a shot of the whiskey and started preparing for the next day's duties.

*** *** ***

Meanwhile

"I am glad I do not have to put up with this nonsense." Shining Armor said, taking off his helmet and gear before making his way towards the table in one of the guest quarters within the main Royal Guard barracks.

"I am surprised that your own service record wasn't called into question seeing how those humans grimaced at the old reports on the guard." One of his old Lieutenants, Sharpened Rapier, said as he himself was preparing a few drinks.

"Well, I did not put up with nonsense. Heck, I didn't even recommend Mareclellan for the job. The idiot should've stayed in logistics and accounting because that was all he was good at anyways." Shining Armor said, grimacing at the thought of the incident report.

"Shining, you have been out of Canterlot far too long my friend. You gotta remember that a lot of this stuff now is all based on bureaucratic matters, not matters of skill and such. This isn't like the Crystal Empire where things run smoothly because you are in charge and don't put up with nonsense." Rapier said.

"Thank you for reminding me. Oh... You don't need to pour me a drink, that stuff doesn't help at all." Shining said.

"Suit yourself... Oh, how is Cadence by the way? I hope everything is going well."

"She is fine, thanks for asking. Y'know, you should stop by sometime, I miss having a straight shooter around. Who knows, maybe I can get you a transfer to the Empire." Shining said.

"I'd appreciate that but right now... It looks like I am gonna be stuck here. Besides, those generals haven't even reviewed the Night Guard regiment yet." Rapier pointed out.

"That probably would not be necessary, they don't put up with nonsense."

"Well, you never know..."

*** *** ***

The Next Day

"Hey dumbass, what the hell am I looking at right now? Patton called over to Mareclellan.

"T-that would be the uh... The tactics manual General..." Mareclellan nervously said.

"Why the actual fuck is your tactics manual the size of a fucking pamphlet then?"

"B-budget cuts... General..." Mareclellan said. Immediately, it looked like Patton was gonna have a heart attack.

"Brad... I need you to take over for me. I did not just hear that..." Patton said, literally fuming with rage.

With that, Bradley and Ike watched as a very irate Patton stormed out of the main office to god knows wear and left the room in complete silence as Bradley and Ike took a look at the "tactics manual".

"What... The... Fuck..." Bradley said out loud, not even earning a look from Ike as they stared at the pamphlet.

"Mareclellan... How the hell does a simple budget cut lead to this absolute piece of crap?" Eisenhower asked, his face devoid of emotion.

"Well... You see... The budget was well.... Err... It got cut... Drastically as a matter of fact. So in order to save money and keep a surplus... We cut down on some of the more excessive parts within our budget... Mainly the uh.... The paper." Mareclellan sputtered out.

"How the hell does a budget get cut that far? Are you horses that insane?" Bradley said. Before Mareclellan could answer, the door to the officer was nearly kicked down as Patton came in with a large box of books.

"LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT. THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE IS NOT A FUCKING TACTICS MANUAL, YOU WANT A FUCKING TACTICS MANUAL? ALL OF THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT A TACTICS MANUAL IS!" Patton screeched. One by one, he began to toss out old and new books on military tactics at Mareclellan, so much so that the former Captain had to duck down behind his desk while Bradley and Eisenhower had to get Patton to calm down.

"Jesus fucking Christ George, calm you ass down and shut the hell up!" Bradley yelled.

"Oh for fucks sake, that little shit tried to fucking sell us a bunch of bullshit. Its just like fucking Market Garden!" Patton yelled.

"Georgie, shut up and sit your ass down!" Eisenhower yelled out, shutting Patton up.

"You can come out now." Bradley called out to the scared Mareclellan that was hiding under his desk.

"I-is... There anything else you would like to see today?", Mareclellan said.

"Just give us your god damn inventory. I think that would do it for today." Eisenhower said, placing his hand upon his face in annoyance.

*** *** ***

"So, I hear that the news advisors nearly dragged Mareclellan out of bed to get a look into his office." Rapier said to Shining as they marched over to the Captain's office.

"Wow... Seems like we are in good hooves if they managed to do that." Shining said back, earning a chuckle from Rapier.

"Yeah, well... I hope nopony is killed in the process." Rapier said, still chuckling.

"Don't say that, it's not like they would even be able to get away with it. From what I heard, they are here on some sort of contract." Shining said.

"You saw the look in the tall one's eyes as they went over the files right? It looked like he was about to kill somepony for Celestia's sake!"

"Relax... I have a feeling they were just simply angry with Mareclellan. I wouldn't blame them either. We probably have nothing to worry about anyways." Shining said as they made their way to the door into the office. Immediately, they regretting ever being in the area.

The first to march out was Patton who, judging by the look in his face, was about to explode. He didn't say nothing as he stormed on by the two Stallions but simply have the two a simply salute. The next to walk out was Bradley, who was carrying a large stack of papers and documents, a large amount of them being marked as classified, and seemed equally pissed. When those two were gone, they could hear two voices coming from inside the office. Looking inside, the could see Eisenhower towering over and berating Mareclellan.

"How the hell do you expect to manage a god damn military with all of this shit?" Eisenhower said.

"It is quite difficult concerning the circumstances..." Mareclellan began before being cut off by Eisenhower.

"No no no no no... Don't give me that bullcrap you idiot. You don't even have a god damn equipment surplus! How the hell do you manage a guard without an equipment surplus?" Eisenhower said, raising his voice this time.

"The guards buy the equipment." Mareclellan simply said.

"What?" Was all Eisenhower could say.

"Well, they... They buy their own equipment. Armor, weapons, and all." Was all Mareclellan had to say before Eisenhower went completely silent and simply began to walk away. When he saw Shining and Rapier, he simply gestured for the two to follow him as they exited the administration building.

Author's Note

Second chapter is done! Terror inducing rage included! Our 3 current advisors have only seen a partial glimpse of what is to be revealed about the Royal Guard. Will Patton not shoot Mareclellan? Will Bradley and Eisenhower manage to not strangle Mareclellan and Eisenhower? And what will the princesses think of this new report from their advisors? Find out in the next chapter! Until then, please leave a comment below if you wish to. Given the popularity of this story's first chapter, I shall be continuing it! Plus, this allows me to vent a lot of rage into writing because of my writer's block. It is always tricky to end a story...

Why The Hell Is This Here?

When the diarchs of Equestria sat down for a mid-morning brunch the day after their new advisors had met the Stallion who was responsible for the Royal Guard as a whole, they did not expect to find one sheathing with anger, another nearly dumbfounded, and the third one simply confused out of his mind so soon. Granted, they both did expect a reaction coming from all 3 of them, but not something as explosive as this. During the nearly 30 minute long tirade of Patton stating blunt facts, Bradley outlining the major problems with a cooler tone, and Eisenhower simply trying to be as diplomatic as he could physically and mentally could after the shitty display of an army he had seen, the two princesses noticed that Shining Armor and another guard had tagged along with the group of humans and noted their albeit surprised but also somewhat scared expressions on their faces. It was clear that they didn't know that this was that bad.

Finally after they seemed to cool down, Patton left a few minutes earlier for what he called "a medicinal pick-me-up" while Bradley and Eisenhower stayed for a few moments before joining Patton, taking a large amount of serious documents with them... leaving the two Royal Guard officers standing there alone in silence. That silence was only broken when Celestia offered them a bite to eat. After a few minutes of silent eating, Shining Armor decided to break the silence.

"Princesses... was the budget cut that much?" He asked before taking a bite into his salad.

"Yes... it was. Though we did not did not know of it until now." Celestia admitted with a frown on her face.

"How could that happen? When I left, we had nearly 8 million bits in surplus and now the Guard is running on just a little over 100 thousand bits in surplus due to the budget cuts? I don't get it." Now, it was Luna's turn to answer.

"My dear former Captain... it seems like my dear sister decided that it would be best that the military budget be left for the nobles and Guard Captains to decide with her end of the bargain being she gets to decided the annual castle bakery budget... needless to say... it was not her finest hour." Luna said as she gave her sister a glaring eye.

"So your saying... Mareclellan could've changed the budget but he either doesn't have the spine to do it or he is doing something else... this smells fishy." Shining observed.

"I wouldn't be surprised if it was the first one." Rapier said under his breath, earning a chuckle from Luna.

*** *** ***

"So... you two finally decided to join me eh?" Patton said, pulling out a glass of scotch he had brought with him.

"Georgie... there are points where I really want to strangle you but after this... I want to strangle that absolute idiot." Eisenhower said, sitting down in one of the chairs with a bag of documents in his hand.

"Whats in the bag Ike?" Patton said, ignoring the former president's threat.

"This bullcrap is apparently all the documents that have been signed off by our new favorite Captain..." he said, tossing his bag of documents on the table.

"Hey, watch it... I don't want to spill this drink, who knows when we will be able to get another good glass of scotch?" Patton said, pushing the bag off to the side.

"Well Georgie... put your scotch down then and help me pour over these documents... I want to see what the hell this guy has been signing off on." Bradley said.

"Oh... and while you have the scotch, pour us another drink... I think we'll need it for this mess." Eisenhower said, opening the first portfolio from the document pile.

"With pleasure..." Patton grumbled.

A Few Hours Later

"Brad, come over here." Eisenhower said, gesturing his hand towards Bradley.

"Yeah? What is it Ike." Bradley asked.

"You have any idea what this is supposed to be?" Eisenhower said, gesturing towards the document in his hand. Reading over it, Bradley could not come up with an answer as the general notion of it all puzzled him.

"I have no idea what the hell this shit is. Hey George, come take a look at this shit." Bradley said.

It only took a minute before Patton answered after reading over the document.

"That fucking pussy..." He said, grabbing the document out of Bradley's hand and walking out.

"George... GEORGE! What the hell was in that document?" Bradley said, following Patton out with Eisenhower following behind them.

"It appears our McClellan reincarnate has a subscription to a contraband magazine." Patton said, picking up his pace.

"What is that supposed to mean George?" Eisenhower asked.

"It means that we have a jackoff who can't get laid on our hands." Patton said with a straight face, walking out into main courtyard.

*** *** ***

The rest of the morning and early afternoon was quiet for Shining Armor. During the impromptu brunch session with the Princesses, Shining Armor was reinstated as temporary Captain of the Guard while everything was being sorted out. That was merely a few hours ago. Now, he was writing a letter to Cadence explaining the whole situation. It wasn't going to be censored but in case somepony decided to take a look at it, he decided to omit some items for the sake of the Guard's integrity. He was just about to sign off on it when somepony began to knock on the door. Opening the door, he found the 3 advisors standing outside.

"May we come in?" Eisenhower asked.

"Uh... sure. I must be honest, I didn't expect this." Shining said.

"No problem, this should be a quick one." Bradley said, walking through the doorway.

"Yeah, if we get some straight answers about this shit." Patton said, following in with a paper in his hand.

"What is that you got there?" Shining said, now aware of the paper.

"That... is what we are here to ask you about." Bradley said, leaning up against the wall.

"Well, lemme see it. If it came from the office, I might know what it is." Shining said. Immediately, Patton handed over the paper and let Shining read over it. It was not long before they got the answer they were looking for.

"This... this is a bucking porn subscription... what the buck?" Shining said.

"That is what I said when I saw that shit." Patton said, smirking.

"Do you know who ordered it? Eisenhower asked.

"I certain didn't. I am a married Stallion for Celestia's sake! Besides, this file was never in the budget when I ran things." Shining proclaimed.

"Easy there kid... we just needed to ask you that question. We'll be out of your ha... mane... now. Thanks." Patton said, before the 3 of them walked out.

*** *** ***

"So... you are already requesting another officer to join you? Why is that I might ask?" Luna said, sipping her tea while talking with Eisenhower.

"Granted, I could look through a bunch of this administrative stuff myself but right now, I gotta go handle some other nonsense tomorrow when me, Brad, and Georgie go visit the training grounds." Eisenhower admitted.

"Alright, do you have anyp... anyone in mind?" Luna asked, curious at whoever Eisenhower would ask for.

"I really don't care... as long as I worked with them before. I'll go for anyone right now... hell, even Monty." Eisenhower said, visibly grimacing slightly at the thought of Montgomery.

"Alright, consider it handled." Luna said, shaking hoo... hands.... whatever it was... with Eisenhower before he left the room. As soon as he was gone, a certain few words went through Luna's head as she got out a piece of paper to write to Chuck.

Be careful what you wish for.

Author's Note

3 Chapters in a day! I gotta say everyone, I am enjoying writing this a whole bunch! I actually feel quite energetic while writing and posting chapters out for this story... it feels so enjoyable. Anyways... why I am choosing to bring Montgomery into the story now is because in all essence, Monty was more of a Staff Officer than a regular combat officer. I could build a grand army but hated to dirty it up, in a McClellan sort of sense...

Anyways, until the next chapter! How will our officers react to seeing the notorious Spartan General? What else will the Advisors unravel about the Royal Guard.... and how many more officers will be needed to sort out this mess???

Please, Not That Son of a Bitch

There were many things going on the 2nd night of the Advisor's tenure. Patton was about to have a brain aneurysm, Bradley was almost about ready to light a match and burn the whole entire farm of misuse of funds down to ashes, and Eisenhower.... Eisenhower was just simply sleeping. Or at least he was trying to sleep. He was thinking about two things at the moment specifically.

One: How the hell he was going to do this job without having to restrain Patton from strangling Mareclellan. Granted, he did have Bradley but that could only go so far since Patton at one point commanded Bradley and subjected the General to his command structure and style. It would only be a matter of time before Bradley would fall to the temptation as well.

Two: Who the hell was the Princess gonna send to help get paperwork sifted and sorted through. It was clear that it needed to be looked at by someone who knew their paperwork and Eisenhower could only hope and pray that the solution was found.

And then... as if God... well, Chuck heard his prayers, the door knocked and the voice of Luna came soon after.

"Hello? Your request has been fulfilled General." She said through the door.

Getting up from the bed, Eisenhower did not even have the chance to stand up before Patton had laid his hand on the door knob and open it up. Almost immediately, he closed the door as soon as he opened it, yelling out loud "Oh fuck no... I did NOT just see that fucking shit."

"What the hell George? You're gonna slam the door on the Princess like that?" Bradley said, getting up from his castle of files and opening the door, and almost immediately, slamming it shut. "On second thought... lets keep that shit closed." He said."

"You two dumbasses gonna tell me what is on the other side of that door or am I gonna have to go see for myself." Eisenhower asked, now out of the loop.

"Ike... if you open that door, you're gonna wanna strangle someone." Bradley warned, earning a somewhat exaggerated nod from Patton as well.

"Jesus Christ... if you two idiots are not gonna open the door, then I will." Eisenhower said, walking up to the door.

"I just remembered... I gotta take a shit." Patton suddenly said, rushing into the bathroom and quickly locking the door.

"Fucking Prima Donna." Eisenhower muttered under his breath as he watched Bradley also move to the bathroom door, pleading to Patton to let him in.

When he made it to the door, Eisenhower was about to open it when he stopped. He didn't know why he stopped, but it felt like the decision was going to mean either life or death for him. It probably wouldn't, but the feeling lingered. Slowly, he turned the handle and opened the door, revealing a sight he never wanted to see again. There before him... Bernard Montgomery stood in all his pompous glory, holding a suitcase of belongings, with Princess Luna behind him... snickering at the look on Eisenhower's face.

"Hello there Eisenhower... it has been quite a while, it is a pleasure to see you." Monty said, sticking his hand out for a handshake.

"L-l.... likewise Monty... care to uh... come in?" Eisenhower managed to spit out, shaking hands with Monty.

"Well, I have been waiting here for quite a while and nearly lost my head to the door twice... the invitation is rather late but of course, I would like to come in." Monty said.

There were only a few words going through Eisenhower's head when Montgomery entered the room after that statement... Here we go again.

*** *** ***

Over the course of the night while Monty was inside their room, speaking with his new company who (grudgingly) had to accept the fact that he was there with him, Luna could not help but laugh when she witnessed the interactions between the four.

Patton, in his own over-exaggerated way, kept having to pull off some of the worst fake smiles and laughs whenever Monty cracked up a joke. She could tell that it also was hurting Patton to do so as every time Montgomery would say something in his own fashion, the Patton would visibly tighten up slightly as he was clearly holding back the urge to either strangle Montgomery or probably jump out of one of the castle windows.

Eisenhower was visibly annoyed as he struggled to keep a straight, blank face. He tried to keep things as diplomatic as possible but as time dragged on, his demeanor changed as he visibly grew more tired and annoyed. This was made very apparent when he started making quick glances to Bradley and Patton, clearly asking for help. The only response he got was from Patton, who silently mouthed out "You're on your own".

Speaking of Bradley... he was more or less a mix of the two polar opposites. He was keeping quiet for the most part, but sometimes he would visibly cringe at whatever Monty said in regards to past operations and their own shortcomings. However, he kept his cool and didn't say anything, simply leaving the diplomacy to Eisenhower and the visible over-exaggerating to Patton.

As the night dragged on, the 3 "originals" slowly began to calm down but it wasn't exactly on their part. It was actually on Monty's part. As Eisenhower would later say when Montgomery had left to go visit the guard's staff office... it was like he was somewhat humbled and in check with himself for some reason. He really didn't brag about anything but instead... he was simply being observant of the past. He even got Patton to take the metaphorical earplugs out of his ears and listen in on what he had to say, allowing Luna to leave so that she wouldn't have to make sure that Montgomery wasn't killed on the spot with one of Patton's pistols. It actually became somewhat pleasant.

*** *** ***

The Next Morning...

"Alright so... you all know the drill, George and Brad, go to the training grounds and see what these putz's do to train their rear ends. Monty, I want you sifting through the guard's documents and administrative system, point out any and every god damn mistake you see... after witnessing the financial report yesterday, I need to know everything. You think you can do that?" Eisenhower asked.

"I managed the Imperial General Staff so this should be an easy task Eisenhower." Monty said, a smirk forming on his face.

"Great, how about you two?" Eisenhower asked, the question now directed towards Bradley and Patton. Before Bradley could answer, Patton spoke up with a question.

"Er... I got a question for you Ike." He asked.

"Spit it out George, the morning ain't young."

"Well... lets say hypothetically that these horses train their "guards" to be chicken shits... now, this is all hypothetical of course but, what if... I... gave them my own sense of training." Patton said, trying his best to make it all seem hypothetical.

"George... I'm gonna be frank. I think we all know that this horseshit you are gonna witness will probably be for chickenshits so you and Brad have the green-light to do whatever the hell you want... as long as their isn't any physical shit." Eisenhower said.

"To what extent would um... said physical shit be limited to?" Patton asked, clearly hinting that he probably would do something to most likely the drill instructor.

"Anything physical George... ESPECIALLY SLAPPING... I don't care if you curse the shit out of those idiots, just don't slap the drill instructor... please." Eisenhower said, clearly annoyed now.

"Alright, alright... it was hypothetical Ike... Jeez."

"Now... if everything clear?" Eisenhower asked for a final time, earning nods from all 3 of his subordinates. "Good... lets get this shit over with."

Author's Note

Hey-ho! Montgomery is here to help ruin the show! Well.. ruin is a word that can mean two things really. He serves a purpose... think of him as the hawk eyed staff officer delving into any and every sort of issue with your documentation, organization, logistical issues... so on and so forth. Think of him as a non-crooked financial manager, setting everything straight. Now... I humbled him somewhat for a reason which I will explain in the later chapters. But until then... will Patton and Bradley finally witness something competent from the Royal Guard? Will Montgomery straighten out the administrative department or will he find even worse things within the files of the Royal Guard? And how many new advisors is it gonna take for the Royal Guard to get into shape? All will be revealed in the next chapters!

Fucking Disgusting Pieces of Shit

Staff work was something that came relatively easy for Montgomery. Years of work in the staff office and being Chief of the Imperial General Staff taught him well when it came to administrative management. But this.... this was an entirely new sort of arrangement that he had to deal with. It was as if the folks who were in charge did not even know how to open or close a filing cabinet. Everything was a big, fat, disgusting mess. If Hermann Goering was an administration office, this is what he would look like.

The first problem with it all was that it was all too bloody cluttered. When he had first entered the building with the former/acting Captain Shining Armor, he was told that the administration office when he had left it was completely organized and manned by ponies who could do their job without issue. Now, he recognized none of the office workers and nearly collapsed on the floor after tripping over a buried fallen over filing cabinet.

The second problem that Montgomery saw was that there was no simple cohesion or even direct quotas set for when things needed to get done. As they searched for the office manager, they found numerous scraps of paperwork apparently dated a few years back that never found their way to the desk of Mareclellan. To add insult to injury, Mareclellan was actually a good staff officer so something didn't make sense.

The third problem.... was to disgusting to simply think about. What was seen in the bathroom nearly made Monty and Shining Armor throw up in disgust. The image of shit covered paperwork was so nauseating that the entire office had to be shut down.

"Ugh.... is... is there anything else you would like to see Field Marshal." Shining Armor managed to spit out.

"I want to see nothing until that bloody room is cleaned out. Have they no sense of dignity or basic hygiene?" Monty asked, visibly still disgusting.

"Trust me... this is a whole new low for me to ever see..." Shining admitted. Monty could see the honesty in the Stallion's words and simply nodded.

"I wonder how our dear yanks are doing in their inspection..." Montgomery pondered.

"I hope that it is better than what we have seen." Shining Armor said with a shudder. Absently, he made it a mental note to take Montgomery into town to buy extra scented candles.

*** *** ***

Good ol' PT... one of only redeeming features of the current shitshow Bradley and Patton were currently trying to fix. When they woke up at 4:00 AM, they had first met some of the leading drill instructors from the barracks. They had immediately given off the impression of being straight forward and sticklers to the rules and regulations, something that a lot of the Royal Guardsponies did not seem to be, regardless of rank and role.

From then on... it was the regular drill from then on out. Recruits wake up at 5:00 AM, morning inspection right after, then breakfast for about 30 minutes... and then the glorious PT. Patton and Bradley had picked a very good day to come and inspect the training grounds as they were to shown "Tartarus-Hour", the day all recruits dread. The basis of Tartarus-Hour was quite simple... straight PT for half the day until lunch, and then another hour of PT. The whole purpose was to test the recruit's physical and mental stability... a sensible thing for picking out members of an "elite force". That was just merely 3 hours ago. Now, it was 8:00 AM and things were going smoothly. Marching drills were commencing by now and so far, Patton and Bradley had been impressed. No issues had gone on... until now.

It all started with some slack-job private who clearly couldn't do anything right. How the hell he made it passed selection, it was beyond anyone. But that was out of the question... right now, he was being a fuck-up. For a few minutes, this continued until the drill sergeant got tired of his shit. He looked ready to beat the kid to a pulp if it hadn't been for Bradley stepping in between them.

"What the buck do you think your bucking doing?" The Drill Sergeant, named Heartless, asked... well, yelled out.

"Sometimes... hitting the kid ain't gonna solve shit." Patton chirped up.

"The buck do you know about shit like this?" The Sergeant asked.

"Trust me... when it comes to Georgie... he knows better now." Bradley said. For a while, the three stared at each other until the Drill Sergeant relented and continued the training. There weren't any issues after that and the day continued on. When lunch time came, Bradley and Patton took their leave and made their way to the main dining room to discuss their own findings with the others. However, when they entered the Dining Room, the only other living being present was Celestia.

"If you are looking for the others... I suggest you check the administration office. There is quite a scene there..." Celestia simply said, munching on her lunch.

After another 20 minutes of walking, the two Generals found themselves in front a the administration office, wrapped in yellow tape with the words Quarantine written all over it. There, stood Eisenhower, Luna, Shining Armor, and Montgomery, clearly discussing something of importance.

"Ike... why the fuck is the building under quarantine?" Patton asked, clearly curious as to know why.

"Oh, Patton. I am glad you are here. I do suggest you don't enter the building... it is quite th-" Monty began before being cut off by Patton.

"Save me the explanation Monty. I just want to know what the hell happened here." Patton said, clearly annoyed right now.

"George... maybe you should reconsider." Bradley said, concerned with the situation at hand.

"Oh please, knowing these pansies, it probably isn't that bad." Patton said in a reassuring tone.

"Y'know Brad... before you say anything else.... let George go in and see... it wouldn't hurt." Eisenhower said, a smirk growing on his face.

"Eisenhower... I would highly advise against that for th..." Monty began before Eisenhower cut him off with a look. "Very well... open the doors, let General Patton see."

What followed the next few minutes was silence, a few words coming from the office with Patton saying "What the fuck is with these lazy jackoffs" or "How the hell do they get by with this shit". There, there was simply silence and everyone/pony other than Bradley knew what had happened. Patton had found the bathroom.

A few seconds later, Patton came running out of the room at full speed, a sight only few could ever see in their lifetime. What followed next after that was the sound of the 4 star general throwing up in the nearby adjacent fountain with Eisenhower and Luna silently laughing, Monty and Shining Armor also nearly puking, and Bradley still being left clueless.

"Ike, what the hell was in that office?" Bradley asked, somewhat fearful of what he would hear.

"Bradley... do you know the alternative to toilet paper?" Eisenhower began.

"STOP! I do not need to know anymore... Jesus Fucking Christ, I need feel like I want to throw up now." He said.

"Looks like a line may be forming." Eisenhower said, pointing towards the queasy Montgomery and Shining Armor.

*** *** ***

"Okay... so, can we agree to never speak of that shit again?" Patton said, pouring him and the others (minus Monty due to a 1st World War injury) a drink.

"Georgie... we won't speak of it to anyone... even I don't want to think of it." Bradley said, downing a couple a pills for his stomach.

"Okay... everyone shut up. Lets move onto the next line of business. Where are we in the training department. Is that a mess?" Eisenhower asked.

"Surprisingly, their Drill Sergeants are a bunch of pussies. Their tactics though are outdated as fuck." Bradley said.

"Alright, so, tactics need an improvement but training is good... great, that is one less thing to fix." Eisenhower observed.

"Well, who shall we get for tactics then gentlemen? It appears we all seem to have our hands full." Montgomery asked. He did have a point, everyone was currently doing something, and it was clear that Shock and Awe on a broad front would not cut it.

"Well... small arms and concentrated tactics would work... nothing major though. We also need to fix the issue with their guard tactics. When me and Georgie spoke with one of their Drill Sergeants, they didn't seem to have a large aerial observation front in terms of guarding this whole city." Bradley said, remember the conversation that they had.

"I can give you a list of candidates in a few days Ike. You can count on me for that." Patton suddenly said after downing a shot from his drink.

"Didn't you say that in Belgium back in 1944 George?" Montgomery asked.

"Well, as a matter-of-fact yes Monty. The only difference is, it didn't play out like Market Garden." Patton retorted, forcing Monty to sit back and shut up.

"Alright then... you do that but tonight... I just need to get some fucking sleep." Eisenhower said.

"Amen to that." Came a reply from Bradley.

Author's Note

This chapter disgusted me to write... not because it wasn't fun or annoying to write... but what I decided to write. It kinda is based off of shit that apparently happened during middle school where some kid decided to use his Spanish work to wipe his ass. I partially believe that because even in fucking high school.... kids fucking empty the toilet paper roles and fucking stuff them into toilets either clogging them or making sure that there is no toilet paper for anyone to use.

Okay... that is out of the way. Until next time where shit finally starts getting done around Canterlot Castle!

Just Another Great Day In The Office

Three days.... It had taken 3 days just to make the clean out the shit stains from the toilets. It took an additional two more days just to make the actual building viable for occupation. Still though, one had to enter the building wearing a face mask just to keep healthy.

Throughout the early hours of the morning, Monty, Shining Armor, Sharpened Rapier, and a few hand-picked staff officers from the guard spent the entire morning placing scented candles in every corner of the building just to replace the smell before they got to work organizing the files. That all on it's own called for several coffee breaks from each and every member of the group... So much so that they had to take all the coffee from the officer's club just to keep going through the morning.

Every now and then, Eisenhower would check in and sometimes try to pitch in as best as he could but he never really could stay long as he still had a leash to keep a hold on Patton as Bradley couldn't do everything like Ike did to keep Patton in line, no matter how hard he tried. At one point, even Luna came in for a few minutes but that was before the candles were all lit and the smell around the still quarantined and soon to be completely demolished bathroom was still... Lingering to say the least. Skipping to the end of that ordeal... Her breakfast decided to take the fast lane upwards. It was only midday when Monty finally was able to go over papers concerning the administration of the Royal Guard with Shining Armor and the others when the first discretion was spotted in the paper work.

The first paper he had picked up from the massive pile was titled "Requisition Form for Vacation Leave Pay". Almost immediately, he cringed as he read over the document. Apparently, said if said document was filled out, one would receive back-pay while vacationing for the standard 2 weeks. How the hell the guard already did not have a back-pay system was beyond Montgomery and even Shining Armor since he claimed that there was a back-pay system well established well before he even was born. The whole entire ordeal was simply rotten. What he did not know though, was the heated debate that was being had between Eisenhower and the princesses.

*** *** ***

Throughout the course of his life... Eisenhower had to argue sense into either those unwilling, those unknowing, or simply those too stupid to comprehend what things meant. With what he was dealing with currently however... he had no idea to do with excuses and nonsense the Princesses were currently giving him.

The whole original purpose of him meeting with the Princesses was to discuss the matter of creating a full blown standing army for Equestria as it was clear that in the event Equestria was ever even invaded, the small and (not right now) elite component of the Royal Guard would not be able to so much as even survive a small skirmish with any sort of enemy force. However, each time he tried to press the matter of it, he was always deflected by some sort of excuse whether it be by possible infringement from the Noble Council, even further centralization which would anger said nobles, or simply not enough money to do such a thing. However, that last one was complete and utter nonsense as Equestria was able to field a rather strong navy (somewhat on the lines of the early 20th century British and German Fleet in terms of size and capabilities) with a rather large budget to compliment it as well. He had the eerie sense that he was simply being bullshitted.

"Alright... I am going to ask you again... and I WANT a straight answer this time. Have I made myself clear?" Eisenhower said, now wearing a facial expression he would normally give to Patton whenever he fucked up.

"Straight answers... got it." Celestia said, nodding her head with her sister.

"Now... why the hell do you guys NOT want to form a standing army. And don't give me the excuses you gave me before because we all know those were horseshit excuses." He deadpanned.

"Well... you see General... we cannot really form an army because..." Celestia stumbled out before pausing, as if trying to make up another excuse. If she was trying to hide it, it was not working because her face was showing a rather nervous expression.

"Well... spew it out now..." Eisenhower said, waiting for the answer.

"Well... the whole matter is extremely complicated as um..." Before Celestia could say anything else, Luna finally decided that enough was enough apparently and put her hoof in front of her sister.

"What my sister is trying to say is that well... the whole entire process would simply be too bureaucratic and both her and I are not exactly sure if the public opinion would be in favor of joining an army and possibly being sent to die in the event of a war." Luna admitted.

"Wait... I get the first part... but why the hell would ponies join the navy if the second part were true? I mean... I am sure a bullet to the brain would probably be better than simply drowning slowly on a sinking ship." Eisenhower said, earning a thoughtful yet nervous look from Celestia and Luna (the latter not really nervous at all).

"That.... is a matter I never really thought of..." Celestia admitted.

"Good... I am glad we have made progress. Now, what bureaucratic red tape is set up against forming a standing army?" Eisenhower asked. Celestia was about to answer until Luna popped out of the room and almost immediately, came back in with a large binder. Taking a quick look inside, Eisenhower could see that this was the "bureaucratic red tape" that was standing up against creating a standing army, along with a large amount of old laws that were never repealed or updated helping with said Red Tape. Turning to the princesses, he could see that Luna had a blank look on her face while Celestia nervously smiled, knowing the mess her reign had caused in the 1000 years Luna was gone.

Author's Note

Woohoo! Another one done! I am sorry for the complete stop in updates, had to take a break and school was being an annoying... bitch.... as usual (all this online bullcrap needs to stop... especially online AP testing. I swear they are all retards). Anyways... just a few updates for other readers as well... On a Sea of Glass and Ponies is on hiatus until further notice. Schultz Knows Nothing is going to be completed... I just need to make up a good ending... And a new story/more or less sequel to Der Unterseeboot is coming out soon featuring one of my favorite campaigns from a video game. You will get it once you see the title. Until then! See you next chapter!

Fucking Thoughts and Pansy Ass Shit Like That

Roosevelt never took shit. He was a diplomat more or less but still a straight shooter. Truman was an extreme straight shooter, that was for sure. Truman wouldn't put up with shit that could see the world thrown into a new world war. MacArthur had learned that the hard way... The hardest way that man could ever learn. But why now, did Eisenhower have to deal with a bunch of pansies? Why did he get terrible excuses from those with authority. That was a question everyone and everypony asked themselves.

For Montgomery, he used to ask himself why people were not exactly fond of him... that was, until he died and saw his beloved wife again. From then on... he learned. He kept himself somewhat in-check thanks to his wife. He learned not to show the heavy prejudice he showed against those of color. He learned... well, somewhat learned... how to be less blunt and more diplomatic, a certain issue that people took notice of and despised him for... namely General Bedell-Smith after the incident involving a B-17 and a bet.

For Patton... well... Patton never really questioned a whole lot of things until after he was relieved of command in Bavaria. But even then, it still took a while for him to fully grasp it all and actually look back on his mistakes and triumphs. It wasn't until after his death where he really looked back on things... and there was a lot to look back on. Namely, the incidents where he slapped some soldiers. Granted, he wasn't exactly the most diplomatic then but he had learned to restrain himself from such conduct again.

And then there was Bradley, the career officer. Not a lot of questions went through his mind other than how incompetent did these ponies become when they had a good system only a few year ago. But that was his Patton side asking that question. His Eisenhower side knew that it was a mix of incompetence, mismanagement, and pure bureaucracy. He had a good mix of both men so he did not exactly contain the worst qualities of both men. He minded his own business and did his job, letting both sides of him do what was necessary.

But now... the ponies... of boy. Celestia... she was more or less too embarrassed with herself to really ask any questions. She was viewed as a strong leader who did not put up with nonsense but somehow, she managed to make one of the worst messes possible when it came to government management and management of the entire national defense. She was lucky herself that the navy was not exactly full of ponies who would fall over at the sight of a feather and actually stood up to nobles who threatened to cut the budget. The nobility within the navy itself was also full of straight-shooters, thanks to its far proximity from the bureaucracy of Canterlot.

Luna was embarrassed as well, but not enough to not have any questions. Well, her questions were never truly geared towards herself, but to what her sister had managed to fuck up in the 1000 years that Luna was gone. But there was one question that she was asking herself... Why did she try to deflect Eisenhower's question concerning a national army? The idea of a national army was itself something that she saw necessary, but she didn't know why she tried to deflect it like her sister. Maybe a bit of her sister and the politics of Canterlot was beginning to bury itself in her own thought process. The thought of that was very much sickening...

And now Shining Armor... the stallion caught in the middle of it all. He had too many questions to even organize within his own mind, no matter how good he was at his job. But, there was one question he kept asking himself. How long would it all take? How long would it take to clean up the mess of Mareclellan and the nobles? When would he be able to return home? It was all questions that were pushed into the back of his mind whenever he had to do some work in the administration office with Montgomery, but after said work was done, the questions kept him up at night... the endless possibilities were all nerve-wracking.

*** *** ***

The daily routine was simple... Get up, get dressed, eat shit, do work, eat more shit, do more work, eat even more shit, relax, pour a drink, relax, and fucking sleep. Simple... straight to the point.

A few days back, Patton sent his list of tacticians over to Luna so that she would forward it over to Chuck so that he could look over the list and deal with it. However he was forewarned not to include Walter Model on the list so he relented, even though a good defensive tactician would've been worth it for the benevolence of Equestria. So far, no response was given from Chuck so he was probably either busy with heaven shit or looking over the choices.

Sitting back in a chair on the balcony of their quarters, Patton silently looked over the courtyard and city below. For a minute, it almost reminded him of West Point... but the tranquility of the moment was broken by the sound of metal crashing and a bit of cursing in German from multiple voices, each with their own distinct dialect.

*** *** ***

The day was uneventful for Eisenhower. He did not have to deal with Montgomery, Patton, or Bradley (well, Bradley was not exactly a nuisance unlike the other two). However, he did have to deal with two certain princesses in still trying to form a centralized land army and that as a whole was a pain due to the magnitude of laws and old decrees which needed to be read over numerous times so that there would not be any legal issues that the nobles would be able to bring up once the proposition was brought up to them. But if anything... it was like a simple day in Washington, minus McCarthy.

After the daily grind was complete, he decided that it was finally time to hit the sack and get some rest. About halfway through his walk, he met up with Bradley and Montgomery, the latter being oddly quiet and seemingly distant and tired. He would've pressed the annoying Field Marshal about what was wrong but he relented, deciding that it was probably best discussed after getting some shut-eye.

He was just about ready to close his eyes when they got to their quarters, only to hear the sound of metal crashing, Germans cursing, and a large compliment of curse words and extremely vulgar (and albeit funny) phrases that only George S Patton could ever come up with.

The sight the 3 officers were about to see would be something quite memorable and quite messy as well.

Author's Note

Hello guys... Not a whole lot to say here but.... THE GERMANS HAVE ARRIVED! Well, they haven't been introduced, but to hint who they are, one is the handler, the other is the one who needs a leash, and the other 2 act as subordinates to both and are quite tested and competent. And no... Guderian ain't one of them. It is an interesting mix but something that should work well. Anyways, still working on the ending for Schultz Knows Nothing so be on the lookout for that.

God Damn Kraut Took This Shit Apart

Who the fuck would disassemble a god damn motorcycle completely? Let alone, what kinda of fucker decides to bring said other fucker with his entire disassembled motorcycle over and plop it in the middle of the room? Well, who else would other than God himself.

When Patton heard the large crash coming from within the General's quarters, he entered the room to find 4 angry Germans, a heap of motorcycle parts, a large compliment of suitcases and clothes, and Chuck... standing behind the angry Germans, with a childish smirk on his face. At first, Patton did not know what the hell to make of it all and immediately went on his own tirade at Chuck on why the hell there was a heap of junk and 4 Germans in the general's quarters. It probably would've continued if Ike hadn't entered the room along with Bradley and Monty. But even then, Eisenhower was still surprised at the sight before him.

"Chuck... what the hell is all of this shit in front of my eyes? And why the hell are 4 Germans in here as well?" Eisenhower asked, gesturing towards the heap of motorcycle parts and the 4 Germans he did not even bother to look at.

"Oh, hey there Ike... meet your new tactical advisors." Chuck exclaimed, still wearing the childish grin on his face.

"What the hell do you mean tactica-" Eisenhower stopped when he finally bothered to actually look at the German's faces. From the sound of silence within the room, he could tell that everyone else noticed.

"Bloody hell..." He heard Monty mutter.

For a while, there was nothing but silence between the two groups until Patton finally spoke up, clearly still pissed at something.

"Chuck... they weren't on the list." Patton grumbled.

"Oh, I know that George, but consider them gifts!" Chuck said.

"Gifts Chuck? Okay, I understand why the hell you brought in Rommel but what the hell is Von Rundstedt doing here? Also... who the fuck are the other two anyways?" Patton asked, still pissed at the answer he got.

"Oh, well... that's quite simple really... You asked for a tactician, and I delivered! Consider Gause and Bayerlein as additional advisors." Chuck asked.

"Okay... I get that now, but why the hell is Rundstedt here if I may ask?" Eisenhower asked, clearly still confused about the whole situation.

"Simple, the Desert Fox here needs a handler!" Chuck said, eyeing Rommel at the same time.

"Ich brauche keinen Handler ... Ich bin ein Erwachsener, der perfekt in der Lage ist, meine eigenen verdammten Entscheidungen zu treffen." Rommel sneered in German, clearly pissed off at the comment.

"Oh... I forgot, translation issues." Chuck chuckled before snapping his fingers. "You were saying there Rommel?"

"I said that I do not need a damned handler... you know that very well." Rommel said in heavily accented English.

"Rommel, you nearly managed to get yourself and Gause behind enemy lines during Crusader, tried to dig tanks into the beaches, heck... your wife actually asked me to kick you out. The neighbors were getting noise complaints. Trust me... you need a handler."

As Chuck finished himself, one could here the chuckles of both Bradley, Patton, and even Bayerlein but earned two very pissed off looks from both Rundstedt and Rommel.

"Alright then... why am I his handler?" Rundstedt asked.

"Simple, you managed to keep him at bay somewhat in France and besides... consider this posting as your own penance for Babi Yar..." Chuck said, his face now very serious.

"I did not order my men to take part in that atrocity! I even ordered my soldiers to not take part in the killings under the SS! Rundstedt exclaimed.

"You still knew about it, and you still failed to do anything about it. You can't lie to me Von Rundstedt, I see anything and everything... don't ever forget that." With that, Rundstedt grew silent, but his face was still seething with anger.

"Okay then... thank you for that display but now can anyone tell me why the hell all this metal is here?" Bradley finally asked.

"Oh... you don't know?" Chuck asked.

"What do I not know? Please Chuck... enlighten me." Bradley said somewhat sarcastically.

"I think Gause would be better to explain this since he lived with the Rommels for a few years after his home was destroyed." Chuck said, pointing towards Gause.

"What do you want e to explain? The motorcycle parts?" Gause asked.

"What else would I want you to explain Gause? What, the argument your wife and Lucie Rommel had? C'mon..."

"Fine... alright. Well then General Bradley, what you see here before you is an example of one of my dear former commander's hobbies. In I think it was 1943, after our home was destroyed, Rommel here had invited me and my wife to stay at his new temporary home in Herrlingen. In the time we stayed there, I was told of a story during the years after the 1st Great War. Apparently, after he had relieved his first motorcycle, Rommel had taken it completely apart, and then completely rebuilt it just to see how it worked." Gause stated, his face never betrayed any emotion he truly had.

"So you mean to tell me that the reason why all this shit is here is because he was basically playing mechanic?" Patton asked.

"Oh... well, his wife wanted him out quickly so uh... I kind of just transported him and his mess here so that his wife wouldn't have to clean up the mess." Chuck admitted.

"You could have at least teleported this mess outside." Rommel muttered under his breath.

"You know I can here that Rommel." Chuck said, glaring at the former Field Marshal once again.

"It is not all that bad Erwin. The Americans had me act like I was working in one of their own depots as a mechanic." Bayerlein chirped in, clearly trying to calm down his former commander.

But Rommel didn't answer back to Bayerlein. For a while, all of the men in the room stood there in silence, clearly thinking about what their own position was. Surprisingly, the only one to really not even speak was Montgomery, something that the 3 Americans had noticed. But like all sentient life, they began to get restless in their silence. Surprisingly though, it was Chuck that broke the barrier that was holding them all back from speaking.

"If you jokers for generals are gonna stay quiet, I'm gonna take my leave now. Eisenhower, I trust that you will get your 4 new guests acquainted with their new surroundings as well as jobs of expertise?" Chuck asked.

"Oh for the love of your damn ass Chuck, just get out of here." Patton answered.

"I didn't ask you for your answer Patton."

"I don't care... I'm tired from the bullshit these ponies are giving us and I'd like to get this mess cleaned up before I turn in for the night." Patton answered rather angrily.

"You know what... I'll help you with that then." Chuck said before snapping his fingers, clearing up the mess of metal parts as well as removing himself from the room.

"Excuse me... did you say... Ponies?" Gause asked, clearly puzzled at what Patton had said. But before Patton could answer, the whole castle shook as a certain blue princess shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"WHO HAS TELEPORTED THIS HEAP OF JUNK INTO THE THRONE ROOM?"

At that point, only one word was said by Patton.

"Run..."

*** *** ***

There are many certain aspects of life that ponies can get accustomed to within Canterlot. Despite the overly extreme poshness of many of the ponies and nobles within the city, it was easy to get used to after a while. However, one aspect of life in the city was never something to get used to... the Royal Canterlot Voice.

What started out as a rather pleasant night for both Shining Armor and Sharpened Rapier had turned into much worse after Luna nearly woke up the entirety of the city. When they hurriedly managed to get the the throne room, they were shown a sight that many ponies feared to ever see. There, right before them... an extremely pissed off Princess Luna stood before a massive pile of junk and crafted metal. However, she was also confused which lowered the amount of anger that she was in.

"P-princess... we heard you scream... is everything alright?" Shining Armor asked, nervous of the response that was to be given to him by the angry Princess of the Night.

"Captain... rally the Guard... and find whoever holds this name..." She snarled out, lifting up a metal plate with words engraved on it. Looking closer, he could see the name imprinted within it.

Property of Erwin Rommel

Author's Note

Oh boy... the Krauts are here! The Krauts are here and already, shit ain't looking to good for them, especially everyone's favorite Wehraboo Saint, Rommel. I don't really have anything to go with this author's note so uh... yeah... here we have it, Rundstedt, Rommel, Bayerlein, and Gause. There is a rather funny story about how Gause was removed from command... and it involves somewhat "overstaying" in ones house, much to the annoyance of a certain Lucie Rommel... anyways, enough of that.

As always, leave a comment below... I am personally required to answer all of them... lol. But seriously, leave a comment and I will answer it in the best way I possibly can. I ain't a dickhead, just another history buff.

Get it?

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit

Noise complaints... He was kicked out because of noise complaints. With everything he had been through in his life, he knew part of that was mostly bullshit. Sure he tinkered around a bit whenever he could with a motorcycle, but he never did it excessively.

And now here he was, running away from some sort of devilish figure that had sent horses chasing after him. It almost felt like the Great War again! Minus the constant artillery barrage and endless corpses or snow capped mountain peaks (when he was in Italy).

He wasn't alone, he had the ever loyal Bayerlein and Gause with him, running along through the hallways and dodging threats like it was North Africa all over again. Von Rundstedt was too old and frankly too tired and annoyed to even run so he opted to stay with the allied officers to go talk with whatever hellish deity was after them and find out why the hell the Desert Fox was being chased.

It seemed like they were running for hours but the endless hallways and corridors did not seem to help stem the feeling of an infinite amount of directions to go with no escape near in sight. That was, until they rushed into the middle of a beautiful courtyard. For a moment, all sense of urgency seemed to had left the 3 officers.

They stood there, their mouths nearly wide open as they took in the beauty of their surroundings. It was something truly marvelous when the beautifully carved stone and murals surrounding a large and fountain that had so many carvings within in it that it had become an eyesore the longer one stared at it.

"I am surprised Herr Feldmarshall..." Bayerlein said, earning the attention of Rommel.

"Why is that Bayerlein?" He asked, quite curious as to what the Bavarian had to say.

"Well, Lucie told us that you were never into such hings. She even showed me one of your letters of when you had gone to watch some ballet." He stated, earning a stern look from Rommel.

"What else did my darling wife have to say on the subject?" Rommel pressed, eager to know what his wife had told others while he was awaiting her own arrival up above. But before that, Gause cut in between the two.

"As much as I would like to hear some old stories... can we at least go find some water to drink? I am personally thirsty and I do not want another Afrika experience." He stated, shuddering to the thought of the days with little to no water during the North Africa Campaign.

"Well, there is a fountain right here. I don't think anyone is going to make a fuss out of us drinking out of it for the sake of not dying of dehydration." Rommel said. With that, the other two German officers nodded and they walked over to take a drink of water from the fountain.

When they got up close, Rommel was amazed to see that the water was not only clear, but also sparkling somewhat. He probably would've definitely questioned it if it were back on Earth but given their current circumstances, he opted to put the thought in the back of his mind as he cupped his hands and began to drink the water.

The water clearly was untainted as no sort of foul taste or grainy feeling was present so the 3 old generals had decided to take quite a large amount of handfuls of the water. All 3 of them having served in Africa never really took it for granted as they understood how scarce water could be in the worst situations so it was a while before they did eventually stop drinking the water.

What did actually cause them to stop was the sound of horseshoes clopping from a nearby hallway towards the courtyard that they were in and as if immediately regaining the sense that they were in the field again, they got up and hid behind one of the massive arrays of bushes to evade detection.

"Do you see who is there?" Bayerlein whispered to Gause who was trying to get a good look.

"Ja, it looks like another one of those horses in armor." Gause answered.

"What is he doing?" Rommel asked.

"It is hard to tell... his face certainly looks anxious though." Gause observed, discreetly pointing towards the pony's face. Indeed, it did look like the pony was anxious as he was nearly sweating as he searched the courtyard.

"Shhh.... look, he is moving towards the fountain." Gause said.

"Why would be move there? There are many other places he could search." Rommel inquired, clearly puzzled to this pony's actions.

"Wait a minute... what... what is he doing now?" Gause asked as he watched the anxious guard get up on top of the fountain after looking around to see if anyone was watching him.

"Mein gott... is he actually about to..." Bayerlein began before he lost the words to continue as the pony continued his routine...

"I... I actually think I am going to be sick." Rommel said, disgusted by the sight and the thought that they just drank water that somepony could've pissed in. Before the feeling of throwing up overcame him, Gause had already begun belching in another bush behind them.

*** *** ***

"God fucking dammit Luna, for the last fucking time.... Chuck did this shit!" Patton yelled, clearly annoyed that the present conversation he was having was getting no where.

"Then who is this Erwin Rommel and why is his junk in the throne room? How do you explain that?" Luna asked. Patton probably would've pulled out one of his revolvers and shot Luna if it hadn't been for Eisenhower placing his hand over Patton's gun holster.

"Princess Luna... for the last time, we have already explained this. Chuck had came in and brought the 4 Germans with him and then teleported out along with teleporting all of this shit here. I have explained this for far too god damn long. Do you understand?" Eisenhower stated, nearly annoyed as Patton.

"Then why do I only see 1 German officer here?" Luna inquired. Deep inside, Eisenhower almost died inside with the amount of stupidity that the seemingly intelligent Princess was showing presently.

"Simple, we told him to run after you nearly blew our eardrums out. The other two followed him considering they used to be his subordinates." Bradley simply stated, his face calm and collected.

"So you mean to tell me that this was all a mistake?" Luna asked.

"YES." The 5 generals said in unison.

"Oh dear..." Was Luna's only reply.

*** *** ***

"I'm done... I have gone through numerous wars and battles but never have I been so disgusted in my entire life." Rommel said as the 3 Germans made their way through another hallway within the massive castle.

"You can say that again." Gause said as he was struggling to get the taste of bile out of his mouth.

"I think we have all seen worse." Bayerlein said.

"I have never drank water that has been pissed in by some sentient rainbow colored horse in shining armor and I do not intend to do so ever again Bayerlein." Gause said with a hint of disgust still within his voice.

"That, I must agree with." Bayerlein admitted.

"Shhh... be quiet you two. I think I hear something." Rommel ordered. Immediately, both of them had shut up as they tried to listen to whatever their superior was hearing.

Indeed, they did hear something as at first, it sounded like a faint thumping noise but it turned into the sound of horseshoes marching along the marble floors.

"Shit... we need to move, now." Rommel said, looking around the hallway for any doors.

"Herr Feldmarshall, over here!" Gause quietly called out as he had his hand on a door handle for a rather large looking door on the side of the hallway.

"Is there anyone in there?" Bayerlein asked.

"Better to deal with it in there than in here!" Gause anxiously replied.

With little to no time to reply with that comment, Rommel and Bayerlein followed Gause's lead and entered the dark room, shutting the doors behind them as quietly as possible.

The room was rather dark so nothing could be seen only for a few feet so the 3 Germans decided to keep close together in order to not be lost within the vast space of the room. In their focus of trying not lose each other within the darkness, they did not notice that they were being watched by whatever occupied the room.

*** *** ***

"Pardon me but how do you know that they have gone this way?" Montgomery asked, clearly curious as to where they were going.

"A guard discovered a rather large amount of bile hidden behind a few bushes within the eastern courtyard. Most likely, it came from one of the 3 generals you have mentioned." Luna replied, her stupidity and bullheadedness from earlier seemingly gone after her realization of her mistake.

"That actually makes sense to be honest. All three of them served in Afrika and I do know that they had gotten illnesses from there so it would not surprise me if their stomachs are not exactly as strong as they used to be." Rundstedt chirped in.

"Jaundice... a disease I never wish to encounter again." Montgomery said, disgusted by the thought of it all.

"Well... lets just find those 3 before any other stupid shit happens." Patton dryly added in, clearly wishing to go to sleep after dealing with the night's nonsense.

Almost as if on cue, a large explosion rocked the hallway and nearly everyone ducked behind cover for debris that never came. Recomposing themselves, they made their way through the hallway to find a large door blown open with 3 German generals piled up on it (still smoking mind you), and a very shocked looking Celestia standing before them, her hoof over her mouth signalling that she was shocked at what happened.

Author's Note

Hello everybody! I am not dead... yet. It all depends if the virus gets to me or not lol. Anyways, had this thing on tab for a few weeks as I worked on pushing the 2nd to last chapter of Schultz Knows Nothing out as well as TCB: The Last Performance (I recommend you read it. People said it was good so check it out. Who knows, maybe TCB will make a comeback...)

This was something of a filler chapter before I get back into the main thrust of things so here we have it. Stay tuned as next chapter shall see more bullshit, nonsense, and stupidity coming from the Equestrians but this time, political shit shall make an entrance!

Fucking Bureaucrats

It had been three days since the "German incident" and needless to say, shit was finally moving forwards. After Gause, Bayerlein, and Rommel had been brought back to consciousness after they had accidentally broke into Celestia's room, a very vulgar berating that only Patton could manage to pull off against both celestial sisters followed by a brief explanation of their current situation brought the Germans up to speed. Now everything simply needed to actually be started in order to get reforms rolling out. However, there was one major thing that needed to be sorted out...

Bureaucrats.

Bureaucracy was the bane of every soldier that has lived throughout the ages. The age old enemy that has plagued the armies of nation's gone by and was always present wherever one went. For the US, it was always present in the form of the civilian government who only pulled their heads out of their asses when war got serious, unlike in recent times apparently. For the British and French, it was somewhat the same thing. However, the French do tend to keep their military more than ready than most nations... Not including the US of course. Then there's the Germans... If it ain't the pacifistic politicians and bureaucrats, it is the large companies competing for contracts that fucked them over. The Russians? Well, they are more oligarchs if anything.

But beside the point, bureaucrats were everywhere, even in different dimensions. In the case of Equestria, it is in the form of the main Noble elite all centered in Canterlot. The only thing they could not get their posh, dirty hooves on was the Navy. From what Eisenhower learned, the Navy didn't take any shitty excuse and was by far the best as well as the only true armed forces branch the Equestrians even had.

That was a problem for the "advisors" to fix. The main plan for the day was to essentially confer with the nobles to create a national standing army for the Equestrians with Eisenhower and Rundstedt taking the lead on things. If things went South... Well, the Calvary would simply be called in. That was where Patton would come into play... And that would only be for emergencies.

All that they had to do was simply make it to the meeting.

*** *** ***

Meetings... Of all the things he had to be called to, it had to be some stupid budget review meeting.

Blueblood despised budget management as much as he did stupid lower class civilians. He was a noble, he had no such business dealing with such nonsense. If anything, the management of the national budget should've been left to the lower class ponies for all he cared. To so much as even waste time on such a trivial matter, it made him feel disgusted even more. But then again... Perks did come from the power over the budget.

Contrary to popular belief, Blueblood was not a stupid over-pompous idiot who only cared about his drink and money. He did tend to use his status as Celestia's nephew as well as essential head of the noble council and chief manager of the budget to procure some influence. A recent example would be in terms of limited the Royal Guard's budget and placing his extremely militarily incompetent confidant Mareclellan in charge.

Of course like all things, there was some opposition to such a change, namely from the clan of nobles who revolve around Fancy Pants, but the whole matter was forgotten. So to why the entire nobility in charge of the budget, as well as acting Captain of the Guard Shining Armor, AND the two princesses were in the meeting room was beyond Blueblood's mind.

Suddenly without any warning, a guardspony had opened the door and began to say something.

"Presenting the advisors Eisenhower and Von Rundstedt to the council." Was all the guardspony said before stepping aside to let two bipedal creatures dressed in two very different uniforms came marching in.

*** *** ***

"Assholes... I'm surrounded by assholes." Eisenhower muttered softly under his breath.

"Even us Prussians were never this posh..." Rundstedt replied in his own soft tone.

"Well, let's get this done and over with... I have a feeling Georgie might need to be called in already." Eisenhower mused.

"Well, let's try to make sure that it doesn't have to come to that. Maybe these horses are negotiable." Rundstedt whispered.

"Don't get your hopes high." Was all Eisenhower could give in response as they both moved to take their seats (which were custom made for such an occasion due to the different physical biology between humans and ponies).

*** *** ***

There was something very interesting about seeing two military officers who attained the highest rank within their own armed forces who also happened to be direct enemies on their front line working together and trying to pitch a national army to a bunch of ponies.

But then again... What hadn't been interesting within the time that the humans had been there. Shining had been there to witness their arrival, the best parts and their worst parts... Especially from Patton.

As the two officers began to explain the current situation of the guard to the still generally surprised nobles, it became clear that they were taking a more slow approach to the main event, the formation of a standing army. Eisenhower had let Von Rundstedt handle the technical parts and only explained the things that really needed to be bluntly stated out, much to the chagrin of Blueblood from the look on his face.

The nobles around Fancy Pants though really did seem to actually understand much of the standing issues and just by judging from the looks on their faces, it was clear that they understood where it was going. Blueblood most likely knew it too, as his reaction to the proposition of a standing army was clearly... To put it likely... Full of shit. After that, the debate started...

*** *** ***

"You cannot possibly mean to tell me that you are seriously proposing such a disgusting idea to us and the Princesses! This is ludicrous!" Blueblood spat out in his own pompous and overreacting way.

"Please... Enlighten me on how such a proposal is disgusting Mr Blueblood." Eisenhower asked as he inwardly hoped to not have to call in Patton.

"You realize that Equestria is a nation that does not need such a provocative force. We only wish for eternal harmony within our borders." Blueblood countered.

"I had a feeling this was going to happen..." Was all Eisenhower could mumble under his breath. "Alright then Blueblood, if you are in no such need for an army, then how come your nation is always attacked by beings who seem to possess so much power that they can wipe you all out with a flick of their.... Uh... Whatever you guys have I guess to snap." Eisenhower retorted.

"Why we have the Elements of Harmony." Blueblood said with a "matter of fact" tone in his voice.

"The elements of what?" Von Rundstedt suddenly asked out of the blue. Eisenhower the vaguely remembered that he forgot to tell the Germans about the elements and cursed inwardly.

"I'll tell you later." He said to Rundstedt before turning back to Blueblood and his clan of noble bureaucrats. "Alright then... From the looks of this track record, your elements have hardly even been able to not win a fight conclusively without being somewhat defeated or millions of do-... Bits being done in damage. Are you not concerned about the long term issues that may even effect your economy if this keeps on happening?" Eisenhower asked.

"Why, we have a simple crisis fund for that. If you would look under the budget's..." It was all Blueblood could say before being cut off by a very irate looking Fancy Pants.

"Enough with this Prince Blueblood..." He said with venom within his voice. "You, I, and everyone else know that such a fund is only a front to expand your own business interests whenever major damage is done to the nation while the Elements of Harmony are attempting to solve such a problem."

"Why... I certainly have no idea what you are talking about." Blueblood said obviously (and very stupidly) attempting to feign ignorance while his cronies nodded with him.

"Do not try to cover up the Minotaur shit up with your apparent stupidity. Everypony here knows of the backdoors you all have within the crisis fund for your companies." Fancy Pants continued.

"Excuse me but have I been left in the dark about such changes within the budget? I asked for the report weeks ago!" Shining Armor chirped in, clearly pissed off that he was left in the dark.

"My dear temporary Captain, such matters are not to be decided by you as they are left up to us higher powers. You lack any such clearance to view such sensitive matters. Besides, you carry no power here than what you have within our northern puppet." Blueblood said, glaring at the temporary Captain, who in turn looked like he wanted to strangle anypony he could get his hooves on.

"My dear nephew... You mean to tell me and your dear Aunt that such matters such as the national budget are of no concern to us, your technical superiors within the royal and governmental hierarchy?" Celestia asked, her eyes narrowed while he expression showed some menacing fire brewing within her.

"Auntie... You see... It is well uh..." Was all Blueblood could stutter before Eisenhower and Von Rundstedt had enough. It was clear that every pony in the damn room was about to kill each other so plan B needed to be put into effect.

All it took was a very loud and very Prussian "Achtung!" To get everypony to stop throwing metaphorical knives at each other's throats and pay attention to the two humans in the room.

"Alright... I'm done trying to negotiate as it is clear that you damn horses cannot even negotiate like intelligent beings. I thought this would be easier since you all preach harmony and whatever but clearly... You all are just as bad as Congress. So I suggest you all sit down, and shut your damn snouts before you get yourselves killed!" Eisenhower stated. It somewhat had the effect he desired but a few nobles from both sides relented from following the former President's orders.

"Who are you to order us around you heathen? Do you not know your place within these halls? You are nothing here!" Blueblood spat out.

Suddenly, a bang rang across the room which saw everypony duck down below the large table.

"Guess what fuckface... You aren't gonna be anything if you keep your shit up... You're stuck in here with Old Blood and Guts now." Came the reply. But it didn't come from Eisenhower, if came from Patton who was standing in the doorway, with one of his Ivory revolvers within his hands... Aiming it directly at Blueblood's spot on the table.

Author's Note

There are many things that you do not try to fuck with... Blood and Guts being one of them. This chapter was very fun to write as it leads up to something I will have a whole load of fun writing in the next few chapters... Untill then, will Blueblood get his balls blown off by Patton? Is Monty having fun sorting things out within the administration office? And what shall Bradley do with the other 3 Germans?

As always, leave a comment if you wish to do so and yadda yadda yadda... Also, thanks for 1000 views! This has been a blast to write!

The Monday Session

It was 3 days after he was nearly blown up and thrown up against a door and his head still hurt. But that was to be expected when one refused the medical care provided by ponies. It wasn't like he directly did not trust them in terms of health care as their version of health care was extremely better than what was available to him in Germany, but he just simply wanted to stay away from them after the whole debacle. But that was just 3 days ago...

Now, Erwin Rommel found himself whisked away into a realm both he and his father before him were greatly familiar with... The classroom.

To say that he hated the classroom setting was not entirely true. If anything, he loathed having to sit down as one of the students within a classroom... Something that never really left him since his childhood. Granted, the Danzig Academy was better than a regular public education that he had within his native Swabia, but he still preferred to be the teacher rather than being one who was to be taught. It was a trait he never really put behind him.

And it was a trait he would have to put to work once again. The last time he truly taught an entire class was back in the 30s during his time at Dresden, Potsdam, and in Wiener Neustadt. The Dresden venue was nice for the years he taught there... It would've been nicer if it hadn't been for a certain Bavarian by the name of Schörner and his incessant pranks and favor with the school commandant, but it was not all bad. Potsdam was a simple bump up from the Dresden venue with the added benefit of having to deal with more Prussians. But Wiener Neustadt, the military academy for NCOs was truly beautiful. He spent many happy years there before the war saw him and Lucie scramble to hide personal belongings with friends across Germany to keep them safe from the bombings... Which eventually did meet his beautiful Villa sadly. Such a fate was also met by Gause's house as well in late 1942... And it was not pleasant what happened afterwards.

The things that women could argue about were simply crazy... But that was all in the past. He had a job to do... A teaching job to do rather. And with him, the ever trustworthy Gause followed. Bayerlein opted to help Montgomery with some of the major staff office work as that was his profession by trade so it was simply only Guase and Rommel making their way towards the classroom. Well, it wasn't just them. An apparent old colleague of Shining Armor, Sharpened Rapier, was also following them towards the military lecture.

"So... I assume you have some experience with these sorts of things, right?" Rapier asked.

"The last time I had done this was in 1939 but I think they won't be falling asleep on me." Rommel confidently replied.

"Oh really... well, good luck with this group. These boys haven't had a lecture since they got out of the Guard Academy, and the last time such a lecture was held was before Mareclellan was brought in." Rapier stated, grimacing at the memories of the past few days.

"You can trust the Field Marshal to make sure that they shall not fall asleep Lieutenant. If he managed to talk some sense into Sepp Dietrich, I am sure he can handle a class of washed out officers." Gause added in.

"Sepp who?" Rapier asked, puzzled at such a name.

"That is a very long story... but let it be known, he was not the smartest general to ever hold such a rank." Gause said, trying to move the topic away from the SS General who could not read a map.

"Actually, I do believe the Americans had worse. Does the name Daniel Sickles ever come to mind?" Rommel chirped in, remembering the political general that had fought for the Northern American forces during their civil war.

"Mein gott, that man could not match to the great military skill of Himmler himself!" Gause humorously replied, earning a chuckle from Rommel and a strange look from Rapier.

"What the buck are you two talking about?" The puzzled lieutenant asked.

"Oh, just something from a past life..." Rommel said, still chuckling at the thought of Heinrich Himmler leading an army group.

"Well... lets just get this done and over with and talk about our army stories afterwards." The Lieutenant said.

"Alright... but no need to be so hard Lieutenant. Sometimes a sense of humor is needed." Rommel said.

"Pardon me Erwin but sometimes your sense of humor is overshadowed by your other qualities..." Gause pointed out.

"Alright, name one Alfred." Rommel dared.

"Hm... do you remember that time when we were stuck behind enemy lines for an entire night inside of that verdammt bus that the Italians gifted us... or how about your arguments with Marshal Bastico? Better yet, how about when you removed me from command because Lucie..." Gause hit a nerve.

"Alright, alright! You have made your point! But you and I both know that Bombastico had it coming for a very long time... arrogant fool..." Rommel finally snapped out.

"How the Tartarus did you two ever be acquaintances..." Was all Sharpened Rapier could reply as they walked into the room full of annoyed Royal Guard officers who have not sat through a lecture ever since either the academy or never had a lecture ever.

*** *** ***

Staff work... one of the hidden importance's of an army. Most officers who tended to be combat inclined hated army administrators but the smart ones always acknowledged the good that they brought... that is... if they were competent at their job.

Bayerlein was one such competent staff officer and knew who was and who was not a competent officer. And from the looks of it, Mareclellan was nothing short of absolutely shitty. However, his impressions were not entirely sour like those of the original four advisors as the staff office that he walked into was somewhat cleaned up thanks to the work of Montgomery and numerous, extremely tired, competent pony staff officers.

But that all changed as soon as he got to his desk and looked at the first document that was popped onto his desk. Many words went through his mind as he read through it... but the only such words that were even expelled from his mouth were...

"Was zum Teufel?"

Immediately after hearing such words, the Spartan General made himself noticed in front of Bayerlein's desk, seemingly amused at the expression on the extremely puzzled look on the Bavarian's face.

"You seem to be lucky there my friend. Most of us tend to want to strangle the idiot who made such a document when we get one of the weirder ones." Montgomery said, a smile creeping up his face.

"Pardon? What do you mean... weirder ones?" Bayerlein asked.

"Oh, you will see. Good luck now, and don't be afraid to call someone or well... somepony over to help!" Montgomery simply said as he walked back into his office leaving Bayerlein somewhat puzzled and curious as to what was awaiting him in the pile of documents. He could only wonder how the others were fairing at their jobs.

*** *** ***

There were many feelings going through Luna at that point... but the feeling that really stuck out was well... fear.

Fear...

Fear was a feeling she usually never felt as her own self confidence had dimmed such an feeling. Now though... now, such self confidence had all disappeared with the sight of George S Patton bursting through the doors with two... pistols, as they were called, and threatening Blueblood and many other nobles to not move or have their "balls blown off". Eisenhower and Bradley seemed completely normal though as they watched their former subordinate threaten and berate almost every single noble with too many derogatory terms to count.

"I will repeat myself, FOR THE LAST GOD DAMN TIME YOU GOD DAMN PUSSY! SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LISTEN!" Patton screamed at some random noble who seemed to be on Blueblood's side. She probably would've recognized the noble immediately but the heat of the situation dimmed such recognition.

"You have no authority here and no right to threaten us in such a manner!" One of them yelled.

"Guess what chucklefuck. I wouldn't be here if you all pulled your heads out of your asses and stopped blowing each other off under the table! Your fucking sad excuse of a Royal Guard is a mess! Let alone, even one those shitheads are back in order... you pacifistic bastards won't even be able to defend yourselves against your neighbors!" The four star general stated as he aimed his two pistols around the table at each and every noble.

"We have no need for such a militaristic thing. We have the Elements of Harmony for Celestia's sake. Besides, do you know how the formation of a nationalized armed forces would disrupt the entire economy as a whole to maintain military production?" Another noble asked. The noble seemed pretty confident in his statement but he was a bit too overconfident as Patton always had an answer.

"Really? What will it do eh? Ruin your own monopoly on your current military production contracts and all that other fucking bullshit. Lemme tell you something you fucking jackass, I know how you bureaucrats fucking work. Whenever shit doesn't go your fucking way, you try everything possible to keep your god damn profits. If you actually had some sense of pride for your damn country, you probably would've been on the other side instead of being with fucking Blueballs." Patton stated, silencing the noble.

"Do NOT call me such a name!" Blueblood screamed out, earning a gun pointed to his head.

"Listen here you little shit. I don't give a fuck what I call you because you know why? You... don't... mean... shit... to... me. You are lucky your damn balls haven't been blown off yet." Patton said, fire burning in his eyes.

"You would not dare." Blueblood said, seemingly daring Patton to do such a thing. For a while, there was no movement from either of them as they stared each other down until Patton relented.

"You know what? You're right. I wouldn't dare." Patton said with a sly smirk forming on his face as he lowered the gun and made his behind Blueblood as if he was going to walk passed him. Or well... Blueblood seemed to think that until he was splashed by a liquid that smelled very similar to some sort of fuel.

"Wha... what was that? WHAT DID YOU DUMP ON ME!" Blueblood demanded as everyone and pony looked at Patton and Blueblood in shock.

"Oh, that? Oh, its just a little gasoline." Patton replied, the smirk on his face even wider than before.

"G-g.... GASOLINE?" Blueblood screamed out in shock.

"What, you never heard of good ol' gasoline Blueballs? Or have you?" Patton dryly asked.

"I KNOW WHAT GASOLINE IS YOU CRETIN!" Blueblood screamed out again.

"Okay then fuckface. Now, you know what happens when I drop this then, right?" Patton said, holding up what seemed like a cigarette lighter.

"Don't you dare drop that flame!" Blueblood demanded.

"Oh don't worry Blueballs, I won't ever do such a cruel thing... unless if you don't get behind this national army amendment." Patton replied, dangling the lighter in front of Blueblood's eyes as if they were keys in front of a toddler.

"Never." Was all Blueblood could reply.

"Alright then horseshit... have it your way then. I'll be generous though and give you 10 seconds to change your mind." Patton said as he began to count down from 10.

As soon as he reached 9, Blueblood's spine broke and he gave into the demand.

*** *** ***

To say that the Desert Fox could not tell a story was a lie. Erwin Rommel was a great story teller in terms of war stories and always seemed to grip whoever listened. And such a thing happened as Gause watched from behind as his former superior gripped his pony audience as he recollected a story from his book, Infantry Attacks. Even Sharpened Rapier seemed to be gripped to the story while he was amazed that a Monday lecture session actually became engaging for once.

Feeling that he probably was not going to be able to speak for the next session as the Rommel had essentially stolen the show, Gause excused himself from the room and simply began to tour the palace. It was really a sight to see it in all of its glory without being chased by horses in the middle of the night but as soon as all of its majesty began to show itself, it was immediately lost as he came across a conference hall and witnessed Patton hold some posh looking noblepony hostage at gunpoint with a lighter in his other hand as the pony signed some sort of official document.

Author's Note

Blueballs has no spine!

Okay... hello there everyone. I hope I haven't displeased you all by not having Patton shoot Blueblood's balls or geld them but lets be honest... such a pain would be too quick for everyone favorite noble jackass. That is why I opted to nearly have him burned with good ol' gasoline.

I don't have much else to say but uh... for references... Marshal Bastico was nicknamed Bombastico by Rommel as those two could not stand each other (many german officers could not stand Bastico)... Gause and Rommel were actually trapped behind enemy lines for an entire night in a axis captured British command bus that the Italians had gifted Rommel, and Lucie Rommel did force her husband to evict the Gauses from their home and even fire Gause after her and Gause's wife had an argument over someone place at a wedding... yeah, petty shit. Y'know, I am happy I don't have to deal with women yet as I don't know how I will be able to deal with two woman arguing with each other. How can petty bullshit turn into something so god damn major? My condolences to any readers who have to deal with that from their spouses.

Anyways... the usually stuff with comments and crap. I am really tired mentally after having to watch the current US protests and everyone's opinion on it on the news. Stay out of politics everyone... that is a word of advice that I recommend you all adhere to.

Stay safe everyone!

Bonus Crackpot Chapter: The Bradley IFV

The night was something that was always peaceful back on Earth or in heaven. But in Equestria... Nobody or pony seemed to get a break. Whether it was extremely annoyed Germans or near drunk generals, shit was never quiet. So why Eisenhower tried to fall asleep without taking a drink from Patton's stash... He didn't know. Maybe he was trying to make it through the job without having to drink himself to sleep, maybe he wasn't... It was all lost to him.

The source of the nights troubles began with some stupid bullshit... Like every other problem in Equestria. However, it was not caused by annoyed Germans, an annoyed Montgomery, or even an annoyed Patton. It all started with Bradley. Why the hell Bradley one would ask... Eisenhower himself asked that question as he prepared to hit the sack but for some god damn reason, he found himself put into a room with everyone else staring at a blank screen. And then... Then he had to wait.

Patience was a skill that many generals had to learn and master, but no general ever did manage to master such a skill... Well, Napoleon probably was not in that group but no general from the 20th century could ever be so patient. To put it in Patton's words, they were all a bunch of "Battle Horny Studs". It didn't matter how patient you could be, you still fell into that category. But that category was also tiered.

You had the lower tier of those who could be quite patient... And then you had the extreme upper tier. Those that fell into that tier were really just Patton and Rommel. The only two differences between those two were their drastic differences in height and the fact that Rommel could hold his tongue and had a bit more sophistication that was added upon his Swabian bluntness. Those who fell in the in-between category were Bradley, Gause, and Bayerlein, given that they both essentially got the best of both sides from the commanders that they had served under. The low tier had included Von Rundstedt and Eisenhower themselves for obvious reasons... And then that just left Monty. He clearly had belonged in the lowest tier, considering that the factors that had applied to such a ranking mainly delved into his pursuit (or rather lack of pursuit) of enemy forces after a battle, namely that of the battles after El Alamein which he managed to cock up. But if you made a bet with that man, he would pounce on trying to earn the winnings faster than a pent up horse... Beddel-Smith learned that the hard way.

But that was all some extra details that were unnecessary, no matter how many times Patton preached such bullshit.

It had been 30 minutes before Bradley finally got his ass our from behind the curtain and was pulling a cart with some type of projector on top of it. He had with him some sort of large, box-like tape that he kept on trying to stick into a feeder but each time, it kept on ejecting itself, much to the amusement of Patton and the chagrin of Bradley.

"Brad, would you hurry up with the god damn thing? I think I speak to the rest of us here when I say that I actually want to get some fucking sleep." Patton said with a subtle hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Hold on for a minute Georgie... You'll get your shut-eye once I get this... God... Damn... Thing in. [size=0.em]Fucking hell, why does VHS have to be so damn complicated." Bradley said as he fumbled with the tape.

"Have you tried turning it the other way?" Bayerlein asked, seemingly intrigued by the box like tape recording.

"You think I haven't tried that already? This god damn piece of shit is supposed to be simple and yet every damn time it keeps on rejecting the tape!" Bradley responded as he kept shoving the tape in.

"Y'know, if you keep on shoving that god damn thing in any harder, you are gonna have twins with whatever that thing is." Patto said with a smirk forming on his face. What immediately followed was Eisenhower slapping the 4 star general on the top of his head. "Ow! What the fuck was that for Ike?"

"As annoyed as I am with Brad's shit... Cut the shit with the off color jokes Georgie." Eisenhower said while glaring at Patton. Surprisingly, Patton just sat back down and kept his mouth shut while Bradley kept on fumbling with the tape.

Eventually, Bradley finally managed to make the tape stop ejecting itself and the projector finally began to play something. What followed next was the simple white screen before some cheesy music began to start playing and a video of some sort of vehicle began to play on the screen. This continued for about 10 to 20 seconds before the announcer began to speak as the vehicle showcase continued.

"Today, the Bradley Fighting Vehicle System takes mobility and firepower a leap forward, giving the United States Army a combined arms team...

Second to None."

It finished with 5 stars surrounding it.

Overall, the tape that caused Bradley so much trouble only lasted about 40 seconds and it wasn't even that special. Still though, Bradley had a child's grin on his face.

"So, how'd you guys like it." He asked ecstatically.

"Brad... Did you get into Georgie's stash? Hell... Where did you even get that recording?" Eisenhower asked.

"Oh never mind that shit Ike. What I wanna know is why Brad is fucking excited over that pussy shit." Patton said.

"What the hell do you mean pussy shit Georgie?" Bradley asked.

"Oh please... Big deal that you got some thin skinned armored fighting whatever-the-hell it is named after you. You still haven't gotten two full fucking blown main battle tanks on your name. Suck it." Patton said, pointing towards his dick.

"What the hell do you mean suck it? Those fucking pieces of shit are outdated now anyways." Bradley countered, making Eisenhower, Monty, and the Germans all equally confused.

"What is going on now..." Gause asked, clearly puzzled by the display.

"I think this is what the Americans call a 'dick-measuring contest'." Bayerlein answered.

"I do not care if they are measuring the Reichsmarschall's pants... I would just like to get some sleep." Von Rundstedt yawned out.

"Ja... how about you He'rr Feldmarschall?" Gause asked towards Rommel's direction. However, no reply ever came as the Desert Fox was missing from his seat.

"Wha... where did he go?" Bayerlein asked.

"He probably went to bed... sneaky fox." Von Rundstedt answered. Just then, the sound of a fog horn disturbed the atmosphere of the room and threw everyone off balance.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Montgomery asked. As if right on queue, a phone began to ring within the room. The odd thing was, there was no phone in the room before... EVER.

"Somebody find that damn phone!" Eisenhower ordered as everyone in the room scrambled to find to phone. It wasn't long before Bradley managed to find the phone plugged into a wall plugin that was not even there before.

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?" Bradley nearly screamed through the phone.

"Look outside." Was the only reply that came. But it was not some unknown figure... it was Rommel.

Slowly... everyone made their way towards the window that overlooked the city and the valley below in their quarters and as they opened it up, they were met by the site of a large destroyer in the middle of a lake that was not there before. Suddenly, the phone rang again.

"What is this supposed to be Rommel?" Bradley asked.

"Can Patton hear this call?" Rommel questioned.

"Let me put it on speaker phone..." Bradley replied as he fumbled with the Sat-phone... wait... Sat-phone? What the hell was a Sat-phone doing here...

"Alright, Georgie can hear... now what the hell do you want Rommel?" Bradley asked as both him and Patton stared at the phone and the destroyer.

"I... win..." Were the only words that came as a reply as the Lütjens Class Guided Missile Destroyer, D187 (Rommel), unleashed its full firepower on Canterlot Castle with Maximum German Efficiency... obliterating anything and everything with accuracy that only the Germans could match, ending the dick-measuring content once and for all.

Author's Note

I regret nothing. NOTHING!

Original meme reference: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/491792669484253184/710919638653075496/YouCut_20200515_211818840.mp4

Original video:
https://youtu.be/snnFrwzTDJs

Never Go On a Hunting Trip in Ponyville

Fuck.

That was the only word that was going through Bradley's mind as he sat on the stump of a tree... Thinking about the events that had just transpired.

It was supposed to be a simple fucking trip down to that fucking forest... And it all went to shit. It all started earlier in the morning when they had just woken up.

*** *** ***

14 hours Earlier

Everything was peaceful and full of bliss... At least, that was what it was like while he slept in his head. The rest that he got over the night was something extremely well needed after all that he had been through during the past few weeks. And it all came crashing down as soon as morning came... And an uninvited guest had entered his quarters.

"Wakey wakey you little bitch." The voice said as Mareclellan attempted to put his pillow over his head.

"Get... Out..." He tried to say.

"Alright, since you don't want to be cooperative... We'll do this the hard way." The voice responded as the sound of horseshoes entered the room.

Suddenly, the sound of a trumpet playing some sort of odd but familiar tune began to blare through Mareclellan's eardrums nearly causing them to burst. But... It did its job and got the disgraced Guard Captain out of his bed.

"What the buck was that for?"

"That... Was a warning you fucking jackass. When you are told to get up, you get the fuck up!" The voice answered. It didn't take long to figure out who was in his room because as soon as he came to his senses, Mareclellan was looking up at an extremely irate George S Patton.

"Wh-what are you doing h-here?" He asked, his blood running cold in the process.

"Get your shit, we are leaving in 30 minutes." Was all the man said before walking out of Mareclellan's quarters and slamming the door behind him... leaving the pencil pusher to his own devices.

*** *** ***

30 Minutes Later

The fields were alive with the sound of.... Horses.

It was a cheap joke that Patton tried to play as they all watched the majority of the Royal Guard assemble into a formation to prepare for the first large scale maneuver it was go undertake to see how it would handle doing so before the planned expansions were to take place.

The fact that they managed to rally the entirety of the guard without a massive bout of failure was something that was very much remarkable in its own right, but still.... this was more or less the preliminary inspection stage. Soon, they would all be loaded up into train carriages and sent down to the plains around Ponyville as well as the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. Personally, Eisenhower didn't know what the hell all the fuss was about that forest, but given the amount of warnings he was given by his pony counterparts, he was glad that he would be staying in the main headquarters with Von Rundstedt and (regrettably) Montgomery.

The others would go follow with the Royal Guard and observe the way that they handle themselves throughout the maneuvers... though the fact that he saw Rommel and Bayerlein loading what looked like shotguns into the sidecar of Rommel's, now fully repaired, motorcycle gave him an odd feeling in the stomach. Watching Patton bring out a hunting rifle case didn't do anything to help the thought of what was going to happen... but for better or worse, Eisenhower decided to simply know nothing. How they got the weapons, he did not wish to know... what they were going to do with the weapons... he only hoped that they would simply go hunting without any trouble. But this was Equestria, and given what they had just witnessed over the past few weeks in the damn castle and barracks... one could only imagine what would happen...

*** *** ***

2 Hours Later

CRACK

A shot rang out in the woods that startled the ponies traversing their plotted course towards their main rally point.

Shining Armor could not understand why the humans opted to hunt innocent animals but given they were omnivores... it somewhat made sense. Still, they didn't have to use such a brutal weapon like a shotgun. There were less... bloody, ways of hunting prey.

Still though, whatever they were doing in their spare time didn't matter as right now... The military maneuvers meant more than anything so no doubt... They were most likely watching from afar.

*** *** ***

"God dammit. Fucker moved just as I pulled the trigger."

An unhappy George S Patton was nothing to ever get in the way of. But since they were all hunting while waiting for the royal guard to reach their rally point, there was not a whole lot of anger.

"Maybe if you'd just take your time and actually keep quiet, the bird wouldn't flown away Georgie." Bradley replied as he too scanned the sky for any prey.

"Well... Its been a few decades so give me a break Brad." Patton replied throwing Bradley a quick glare as he reloaded his shotgun.

"That advise is not that bad actually. Though there are many more things to hunting than simply keeping quiet so your prey does not hear you." Rommel interjected.

"You'd have to tell me that sometime then Rommel... I'd like to at least bag one trophy while I'm here." Patton replied.

A muffled "shhhh" hissed through the forest as Gause put his finger to his mouth and then pointed to a bird pirched on a branch above them. Slowly... They all took aim and we're about to pull the trigger...

CRACK

A few shots rang out, but none of them hit the bird. Instead, they all hit the ground... Along with the men who fired them.

*** *** ***

3 Hours Later

"What the buck us taking those bi-peds so long? We've been waiting here for an hour!" One guardspony called out. Normally, their Sergeant would've shut them up right then and there, thanks to Patton, but even they were getting annoyed with the late arrival of their advisors.

"Calm your horseshoes... They probably had to deal with another regiment that probably got lost." Another one called out.

"Both of you need to shut up... now." Shining Armor called out as he drafted a letter to forward towards headquarters.

The reality of the situation was simple... Every regiment did arrive on schedule and no issues had taken place apart from a few guardsponies getting a little scared during their trek through the Everfree.

The humans themselves had entered the Everfree... But they were armed with those "shotguns" and probably would've been able to handle any threat that had been present within the forest. The fact that they were so professional on being on time and following orders is what really didn't make sense. He could only hope that everypony else back at headquarters could make sense of the situation.

*** *** ***

"So... You mean to tell me that they just vanished? How the hell is that even possible?" Eisenhower wasn't exactly livid... But he definitely was confused. How the hell could he lose George S Patton in a forest, along with Bradley and 3 German Generals. That factor did not make sense what so ever.

They took shotguns along with them... Yes, but they all had experience and understood the basic do's and do not's of holding a firearm that could potentially rip your arm off.

Von Rundstedt was equally confused as to why they had not reported. Yes, Rommel and those within his clique did have a tendency to... Dismiss certain orders and keep moving forwards, but that was during the French and African campaigns. They all understood moderation after that, especially Bayerlein and Gause... But still, how could they simply get lost in the forest? It couldn't have gone that bad.... Could it?

Monty was surprisingly the most calm of the two, but his mind was working non-stop attempting to address the situation with any sort of possibly explanation.

It was only really Celestia and Luna who somewhat understood what could've happened, once the mentioning of shotguns and hunting became involved in the debate. Privately, they knew that the lost generals would all be fine, but there was a bit of a lesson that they needed to learn about hunting in Equestria... Especially in range to Ponyville...

*** *** ***

When Bradley first woke up... He found himself in some sort of cottage, all tied up around a chair that was too small for him... Well, actually... It was a few small chairs apparently taped together. The others were either tied to a couch, a stairway banister, or in Patton's case... Tied on top of a table itself.

His mind was still in a bit of a daze when he started to hear the faint noise of tapping... And only after coming to his full senses, he looked down and saw the smallest and most pissed off rabbit he had ever seen in his entire life... Tapping it's right foot on the floor while giving him a shitface. Only a few seconds later, did he here the sound of female voices enter the room.

Author's Note

Rule Numero Uno....

Never hunt in Ponyville.

Never let him into the Everfree

Three Hours

Three whole god damn hours!

How much time did it take for 5 generals to at least bag one trophy in the middle of the forest?

That question kept ringing throughout Eisenhower's ears as he, Von Rundstedt, Montgomery, and now an equally puzzled Shining Armor attempted to figure out.

First of all, none of it ever made sense. Those 5 were more or less good shots and had proper training to handle a damn shotgun and rifle. So that ruled out any possibilities of any hunting accidents... Unless Rommel and Gause got into an argument about their wives, which was 90% unlikely, but still there was 10% remaining...

Secondly, yes, they did not carry maps, but they did stay on the outskirts of the forest itself and did carry compasses and provisions, and given all of their own professions, they themselves wouldn't even get lost in the first place. If that were to have ever happened, the North African campaign would've ended a lot earlier if either of them opted to accidentally stray into the middle of the Sahara desert.

Thirdly... The carried shotguns... So that would be self explanatory as to how little of a threat creatures within the outskirts of the evergreen would've posed, especially since they didn't even venture deep into the forest... And the stories they had heard of the shit that goes on there even managed to make Patton want to take the safe hunting route, so that left out even that possibility as well.

As all of this made Eisenhower's mind turn into near jelly from the shear implausibility of it all... He didn't take notice to Shining Armor exiting the little base of operations they had set up, to go set up a patrol, whilst the princesses watched onwards as their 3 human advisors tried to come up with any and every possible theory as to how they lost their 5 co-.... generals.

*** *** ***

He did everything right.... EVERYTHING!

Not one member of the company he was commanding had gotten lost or strayed off the designated path they were taking. When they came up to a fence and some sort of newly promoted superior ordered him to get his rear moving, he had his men cut a fence post so that they could quickly get moving towards the rally point (disregarding who owned the fence property and the fact that they let out a large amount of cows), and even managed to almost bypass a small interchange on the road with relative obscurity, if it hadn't been for one pony out taking a stroll in the middle of said interchange, and was nearly surrounded on all sides by said company.

All of it went so well, but now it seemed as if everything was going to go so wrong. Mareclellan had nearly froze when Shining Armor came marching towards him, and almost had a heart attack when he was told to set his company up for an excursion to find his tormentors... The Advisors, within the middle of the Everfree Forest.

So why in the name of Celestia he was forsaken with this task... He did not know. The only thing that he did know... Or well, wish... Was that he would not have to find the generals in the forest and that they'd find their own way back.

Some higher power heard his wish on that day, and his wish was granted... Though not without torment.

*** *** ***

Chuck could not do this to him... to subject him to this... this absolute hell. Why did it have to fall upon him to be lectured to shit by this sweet, sweet, thing. Oh, it did not feel right at all.... none of it did. This had to be one of Chuck's games if it was nearly making him want to pull his own ballsack off.

Looking around the room, he could see Bradley take it all in with a stoic face while the Germans remained stiffer than ever, well... stiff, but respectful. Why was he the only one who found something wrong with this absolute horse shit? Why did he have to be the one to push through the absolute bullshit of this god damn lecture before it melted everything right in his mind away.

Oh... George S Patton was going to be having quite a few shots when they get back... well, maybe more than quite a few shots. The whole bottle... yes, that sounded more like what he needed. Now, if only this pony named Fluttershy would get done with her god damn lecture...

*** *** ***

Despite his outwardly stoic expression, Bradley was secretly laughing his ass off as he watched Patton visibly lose his damn mind and sanity as he sat in the chair right before Fluttershy while being lectured on why the humans shouldn't even hunt, let alone use weapons like shotguns.

There had been some other ponies here earlier... apparently Fluttershy's friends, who came by to help tie them up within Fluttershy's home. Though they apparently left, he had a lingering feeling that at least two of them were still nearby... watching them from some bush like predators waiting to pounce if they made one wrong move.

One again, Patton was visibly cringing, and Bradley gave him a subtle look as to keep it all within himself until they were released from the pony's custody. Yes, they could probably take them all on without a problem, though it might be painful as they are literal horses... and besides, why make an even worse impression with the locals?

*** *** ***

There was something quizzically odd about seeing a Field Marshal of the Third Reich being sat down in a chair too small for him, and being lectured about why hunting with shotguns is completely immoral and why hunting in general should not be practiced... even though the man himself was a known hunter to those who were close to them. To add onto that, Rommel himself seemed to be taking it in with a thoughtful manner, even if it probably did not match in any way shape or form with whatever he himself thought of the matter.

Gone was the usually blunt Swabian, and in was the slightly too courteous Field Marshal. What a strange land Bayerlein resided in anymore...

*** *** ***

He had to admit, the pony herself was quite compelling with her argument against hunting.

Rommel really did want to rebuff her, saying that humans did require meat to survive... but then again, there was the Führer, and his... vegetarian tastes. Well, he was a madman, so maybe it was the lack of meat...

Don't start thinking of that again. He reminded himself. He would just sit through it... and take it all in. Absently, he wondered how Gause was handling this situation.

*** *** ***

As a Chief of Staff, Gause has been dressed down numerous times by either superiors, or said superior's wife... He has also had to dress down either idiots or clueless officers who needed additional understanding of a subject, but he never envisioned himself being dressed down by a female other than his wife... let alone a female pony.

Well, at least this one seemed very well mannered and didn't have any Polish wrath within her... as opposed to the likes of Frau Rommel.

*** *** ***

Determination was a key aspect that was sorely needed when arguing, or making a claim with someone. Fluttershy knew that very well. Still, as she lectured the tall bipedal creatures dressed in weird clothing within her room, she kept a calm, and somewhat quiet demeanor... no matter how much their barbaric way of hunting made her angry.

For the most part, as she spoke to them, they all seemed quite thoughtful and understanding of her argument, save for the tall one... who looked like he was probably going to lose his mind. He probably was, but he was thrown a look from one sitting across from him, who was dressed in the same uniform. They all probably had a feeling that they were being watched, so naturally... whatever hard feelings they held were kept in check.

Besides, for as large as they were... taking on the likes or Applejack or Rainbow Dash in a fight would be hopeless. Actually... those two probably wouldn't even be needed. Pinkie Pie would probably cause their minds to shut down. Either way, they still opted to stay quiet, and try to be respectful, which was something nice.

*** *** ***

Meanwhile in the Everfree

This was not good... no, no, no, no... this was not good at all.

Why did they assign him to this duty... of all bucking things? Being sent to supervise the rock mines in the west was one thing... but this, searching the Everfree to find 5 creatures, one of whom probably is planning his own murder, was absolutely outrageous. No, he was no frontline soldier... he was an administrator. But still, he was still somehow within the Royal Guard... so he had a duty to do.

Duty... yes, he had a duty to do. Damn it all if it was the Everfree, he would lead his Stallions and find the Advisors.

"TIMBERWOLF AMBUSH, EVERYPONY RUN! Somepony called out.

Suddenly, all that determination melted away as Mareclellan and his brave Stallions ran back the way they came, all the while they were being chased by Timberwolves. Subconsciously, he began planning his own escape if he got back before the Advisors did.

Author's Note

Ah... this chapter gave me a lot of trouble, just because I had no idea where to go with this. I have been feeling quite rusty with dialogue lately... hence the lack of it. But, at least I haven't opted to completely do away with the story all together.

I don't have much else to say really.

As always, leave a comment if you'd like. All criticism is warranted, as long as it is kept respectful. See you all in the next chapter... and expect a bit of government reform coming from a certain Senator from Missouri.

(PS, did you see the Band of Brothers reference?)