Bad Thoughts

by Scampy

Rating: teen
Tags: Wallflower Blush, Dark, Equestria Girls, Suicide / Self Harm, Random
Length: 1078

Late at night, when Wallflower is all alone with herself, the bad thoughts in the corners of her mind get harder to ignore.

Late at night, when Wallflower is all alone with herself, the bad thoughts in the corners of her mind get harder to ignore.

Published 2020-04-28 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-28 04:20:01 UTC

No Escape From Yourself

Wallflower Blush stood motionless in her bathroom, glaring at the pathetic, misshapen thing she saw in the mirror.

What a fat, disgusting pig, eating out of boredom to the point of making herself sick then turning around and starving herself for days. She couldn’t even do something as basic as eating right. No, she found a way to screw that up too.

At least that wouldn’t be a problem forever. Her putrid cycle of gluttony and restriction had to end somewhere. Either she’d eat so much that her stomach ruptured, or she’d starve herself to death—assuming nothing else killed her first. Still, it was nice to have such guarantees, assuming she didn’t ruin those somehow, too.

What a stupid, useless idiot, failing all her classes because she was too lazy to even get out of bed, let alone go to school. It’s not like her parents would scold her over it. They didn’t even know who she was anymore. No one did. To them and to everyone else, she was just another blurred, meaningless face in the crowd. Without them, and without the magic that tore her from their minds in the first place, she had no hope of supporting herself. At least that made it easier to guess which between starvation and overeating would kill her first.

But what was she supposed to do, not erase her family’s memories? They were better off for it, honestly. At least now they didn’t have to put up with her parasitic needs. Even outside her family, every interaction, every first impression, everything she did was wrong. At least if she erased it, she could have a second chance, right? Or a third, or a fourth, or however many it took to stop being such an awkward loser all the time. But no matter how many she had, it was never enough to outpace her own social ineptitude.

Now there were no more extra chances. Not that she ever deserved them to begin with. Definitely not anymore.

What a cruel, heartless brat, stealing away the friendships of a better person, as if doing so would somehow make up for being unable to make friends herself. Her selfishness cost her the only means of self-sufficiency she had, leaving her doomed to even greater poverty alongside her solitude. It’s not like anyone would be willing to help her after what she did. Her piteous half-friendship with Sunset was just a fluke, anyway. It’d die out soon enough, and she’d be on her own again.

The only reason Sunset hadn’t turned her back on Wallflower yet was that she didn’t know her well enough to be properly disgusted. No one would ever want to be friends with the real her. No one should ever want to be friends with the real her. They were better off without her polluting their lives.

Even if Sunset looked past Wallflower’s inherent irreparable flaws as a person, she would eventually discover an even more horrid truth—the scarred, mangled freak hiding beneath an oversized sweater. It was her ultimate deterrent against any kind of human connection. No one could ever love that.

She couldn’t hide it forever. It was only a matter of time before Sunset found out, and then? Then it was all over, just like it should have been from the start. Her family, gone. Her future, gone. Her one and only friend in the world, gone.

And the best part? All of it was her own damn fault. Whatever horrors the future had in store for her, Wallflower knew she deserved them all.

She brought this on herself. All of it. Truthfully, she’d be doing herself and everyone else a favor if she just threw herself off a building or something. Knowing how others saw her, she guessed it may even take a few hours for someone to notice her corpse on the pavement. A mild inconvenience in death, just as she was to everyone she knew in life.

But no, she was too much of a coward even for that. The one thing she could possibly do to right her wrongs, and she was too afraid to even try?

Idiot. Scared, pathetic little idiot.

Fear wasn’t insurmountable, though. She just didn’t have enough motivation yet, that was all. She had always been slow, as her mom used to put it—she needed a few more extra pushes to really drive her towards her goals.

Maybe she could put pictures of herself on the internet, use the lust of perverted strangers as fuel for her own self-hatred. No… No, of course that wouldn’t work. She was hideous to look at, even without the scar tissue scattered all over her limbs. Sure, she might get insults instead of getting dehumanized, but she couldn’t think of a single comment that would be more hurtful than the things she already told herself. Besides, the thought of it made her feel sick to her stomach.

Perhaps she could go about damaging her mental state as much as she was damaging her body. Alcohol and mood-altering substances, something to widen the cracks in her already-fractured mind. Who knows? Maybe having her inhibitions removed by drugs would be just the kick she needed to finally go through with it, but… No, she’d probably screw it up and just make herself sick. Wallflower had no idea how to use drugs, let alone where to even get them. Either way, buying alcohol was out of the question for the next four years, and there was no way she was going to wait that long.

Wallflower blinked. What the hell was she thinking? The solution had been right in front of her the whole time. The only thing still chaining her to life was her “friendship” with Sunset Shimmer—so all she had to do was cut that thread. Hatred and rejection by the only person close to her would be the perfect thing to finally push her over the edge.

The girl in the mirror shifted, sighing as she turned away from herself. Wallflower returned to the plain white walls of her undecorated bedroom, setting herself down on her mattress. There, she took one of the little razor blades on the floor beside her and rolled up her sleeves. Of course she was repulsive enough already, but it couldn’t hurt to make sure that Sunset would be thoroughly disgusted by the sight of her the next time they saw each other.