Bonk!™

by Lunatic God

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Team Fortress, Comedy, Royal Guard, Shining Armor, Violence, Crossover
Length: 1161

"Who's keepin' track of my heads batted in? Boink!"

"I'm a force a nature!"

"You keep tellin' yerself that, lad."

"What are you talkin' about, ya Cyclops?"

"Nothin', nothin'... Just how ya can't hit the side of a bloody barn with that weapon a yours!"

"Wha- can so!"

"Aye, believe whatcha want, lassie. No-one else will."

Inspired by TF2 vs Overwatch, a random ass chapter from yellowtail, and my adventures of whacking a pocketed heavy to death with a stock bat.

Published 2020-04-04 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-04 20:30:01 UTC

I'm a frickin' blur!

Shining Armor and a battalion of Royal guards arrived on the scene of a drunk black pirate clashing his sword against a fellow guards spear in a perpendicular fashion on top of a hill, holding them in place as they both attempted to overpower the other.

As soon as the battalion got into place, the party hat wearing knight whipped out a strange weapon and jammed it against the guards chest. The guard widened his eyes at it before he was blown into gory pieces. The pirate took an epic stance with one foot on top of a rock before one handedly pointing his bloodied broadsword at Shining Armor.

Before the one eyed menace even spoke, Shining knew what was about to happen.

“Have at them, lads!"

All of a sudden, hundreds of blue gremlin like creatures screaming incomprehensible words and phrases at them as they charged over the hill, brandishing an array of bats and balls at the trained pony army while charging at unbelievable speeds, causing the ground to rumble, almost knocking a few guards over as their armor clanked against each other, creating a cacophony of footsteps and metal.

“For the princesses!" Shining yelled. They all screamed bloody murder as they charged back, meeting the gremlins head on.

Most of them utilized a surprising tactic, hopping over the front troops and landing in the middle of unexpecting troops, whacking them upside the head with surprising force considering their slim frames. The ones who held baseballs and Hearths Warming ornaments tossed them willy nilly, showering the troops in glass shards and even knocking a few out with their high speed balls.

Shining Armor spared a glance above, noticing one hopping on guard's heads like a ninja, a transparent swirling trail following him as projectiles from the armored ponies bounced off of him. Noticing this, it grinned madly, yelling cocky statements.

“Ha! I'm a fricken’ blur! Can't touch this!” it sped over the scrambling guards.

A prideful tear rolled down the Black knights cheek as he lobbed a glowing blue pill into a group of guards, blowing them up and showering their scarred for life comrades with bloody chunks of fellow ponies.

“You get ‘em, lassy!" He yelled at the practically flying gremlin.

Everything slowed to a stop as a pile of guards formed high into the air behind the cocky gremlin. As his trail disappeared, so did his smile.

“Ah crap.”

He was quickly dogpiled by the guards, the only visible part of him being an arm reaching out for any form of help.

“Aye!" The knight screamed in surprise, beheading four guards in one swing. “What just happ’ned?!” He angrily blew apart another group of guards, leaving one who was just barely in the blast radius without a hind leg, trapping him on the ground.

The demoman approached the shakily standing medic, who stared wide-eyed in fear at the creature approaching him.

“Dominated!" He yelled, scaring the pony onto his rump.

“...And I've been shaggin’ yer wife!” the horrified pony scampered away, stumbling into the safety of the guards as the drunken sailor laughed away behind him.

“Grow some hair on yer face, and come and try me again, lad!” He taunted, reloading his pill launcher with malicious intent.

He glared at the ponies with a mad grin.

He screamed as he charged, his suddenly glowing blue weapon held high over his head. As he got within ten feet however, an arrow struck his right arm, making him stop and clutch at the arrow stuck in his skin.

He looked up angrily at the ponies, before shaking a fist at them.

“This ain't over, ya wee horsies!" He then turned and shouted for a medic. The ponies cheered as the bat wielding gremlins stared in disbelief at where their leader had once been, preparing a multitude of spells and projectiles to launch at the army that now had no leader.

As the gremlins turned back to the ponies to continue the battle, one voiced all their thoughts.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”

The battlefield was quickly filled with the death screams of hundreds of bat wielding scouts, leaving only one left, who was surrounded by confident knights.

Without a second thought, he hopped over the guards back the way he came, screaming in fear the entire way as his arms flailed.

They all cheered. Pretty quickly, they also realized that those who hadn't been blown up or beheaded were merely knocked out by high speed bats and balls, or merely scratched by glass shards, the only majorly injured pony being the medic with a missing leg.

“Well, let's go home fellas. Can't keep the mares waiting!" Shining yelled, making them yell even louder as they turned to return home.

As soon as Shining turned, however, a pink blur suddenly materialized and grabbed him, making him yell in surprise before he realized who it was.

“Cadence?"

“Shiny!"

“Oh man, is it good to see you!" He said in relief, returning the hug with a smile.

“It's good to see you too, my huggable wittle squishy marshy poo!" She replied, squeezing him even tighter.

“I saw what the big, brown meanie did to your friends! How did you scare him away?” Cadence asked, pulling away from the hug with a curious look.

“Well, I lined up my shot and got his arm. He soon ran away, screaming like a little filly on Nightmare Night!” He exaggerated, puffing out his chest in pride.

“Oh, my brave white knight in Shining Armor, always there to save the day!” She announced, pulling him into a deep kiss, causing all those who saw to erupt in cheers, which caused all those who didn't see to cheer along.

After a moment, she pulled away, grinning at the flushed captain. “Let's go home, Shiny. You must be tired after that big battle.”

In response, Shining yawned, although he turned his head away so as to not yawn directly into his wife’s face.

“Yes,” He replied, smiling at the pink pony princess with half shut eyes. “Let's.”

“That's what I like to hear," Cadence said as she charged her horn, teleporting the pair away in a flash of light.

Tears formed in the medic’s eyes, watching his pocket get teleported away after being praised for the blind shot that the medic took with a dropped soldier’s weapon.

“That's my boy," he whispered, sniffing as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Hey, uh… Ya gonna do something about that, Orr…” a soldier asked the medic, staring and pointing at the medic’s stump that was forming a pool of blood on the grass under him.

“In a bit, in a bit…" He replied, trying to hold back tears as his smile threatened to split his face in half.

“Uhh... okay then, whatever you say." The soldier said, taking a swig of Kirin beer as he marched behind his fellow troops.