Author's Note
First off, an apology to people who were expecting updates on other fics - been a little preoccupied, and the inspiration for this one sort of just hit me overnight (after a fun chat with my good friend, FallBlau, naturally). I'll try and get back to work on the romance fic, but this was the most productive I've been writing-wise.
This was an experiment in writing a zany comedy. It was pretty funny talking it over with my friends, and they seemed to enjoy it, so hopefully they weren't just gas-lighting me 
As put in the description, the characters are OOC, and there are some wacky, out-of-the-blue pairings. So... ye have been warned.
One Crazy Ride
Saving Blueblood's Balls
It came to pass that shortly after the return of Princess Luna to Equestria, questions began to arise regarding the legitimacy of Celestia's rule. Different factions had arisen, and - quite against Luna's protests - demanded that Luna be allowed to rule as sole regent for a thousand years in order to make her "even stevens" with Celestia's rule.
Naturally, the Princess of the Day took exception to this.
After ensuring Luna's loyalty by having her lead the suppression of her own supporters, there arose new factions to question the legitimacy of their co-regency, questioning who exactly would inherit the throne: Princess Cadance, a blood relative of Celestia and Luna, or Princess Twilight, a unicorn of no relation raised to the status of alicorn. The most powerful faction - supported by power-hungry, single mares, proponents for equal rights for stallions, and ironic pranksters alike - was one that supported Prince Blueblood as claimant to the throne.
And, of course, neither Celestia nor Luna could abide that.
...
"...And so," Blueblood chuckled gaily as he admired the work of his closest friend and confidant in the mirror, "my aunties said I am to be gilded! Isn't that grand?"
Zephyr Breeze paused in styling the prince's mane, pursing his lips.
"Hold on," the mane stylist interjected, "what do you mean they're having you... gilded?"
"Oh, I don't exactly know what they were going on about," Blueblood mused, "some political drivel - I don't much care for that; leave that to the courtiers, I say! Something about my claim to the throne, and how only one who could produce air could be king, or something or another. Very silly stuff, honestly; I mean, I can breathe, can't I? Anyway, they say I am to be gilded in order to make my claim null. I assume it's a bribe of some kind."
"...Really?" the pegasus stopped working, giving a deadpan stare at the prince. The pair had become fast friends after he'd earned the prince's patronage for his mane-styling, but Zephyr had quickly learned how empty-headed Blueblood could be. "What makes you think it's a bribe?"
"Well, if I'm gilded, I assume that means they dress me in golden finery," Blueblood shrugged. "I don't care for the throne anyway, but if they're willing to pay me to forfeit my claim, then all the better!"
"Uh... Your Highness, I think they intend to geld you, not gild you," Zephyr cleared his throat.
"What's the difference?"
Zephyr let out a breath of exasperation. Shifting uncomfortably, he leaned forward and whispered an explanation into the prince's twitching ear.
"They're going to take my balls?!" Blueblood exclaimed in a shrill voice.
"I mean, you said they didn't want you producing heirs," Zephyr explained. After a moment of silence wherein Blueblood only wore a confused expression, Zephyr rolled his eys. "Foals. They don't want you to raise foals."
"What am I going to do, Zephyr?!"
"I don't know!" the other stallion threw his hooves up. "I mean, surely there's some other way to delegitimize your claim to the throne!"
"Oh drat," Blueblood sighed, "if only I had paid more attention to Madame Frufru's tutoring on royal law... The only way to delegitimize my claim is through some means that prevents me from producing heirs through blood with my legal spouse."
"Then the only thing I can think of besides castrating you is a surgery-"
"Without seeming rude, I do not exactly trust creatures with hooves to work so delicate an operation..."
"Fair," Zephyr grunted. "Hm... I mean, you could try convincing Celestia you're gay."
"Believe me, I am very far from feeling gaiety and the moment," Blueblood shuddered. "It will be quite difficult to convince her of that!"
"Not like that," the pegasus rolled his eyes again. "I mean... y'know... that you like stallions?"
"I don't follow."
"Um... sexually?"
"Is that... abnormal?" Blueblood looked confused. "Sexual liberties are quite common in the nobility. I wasn't aware there was some kind of taboo against-"
"Well, there ain't," Zephyr corrected, "but I mean... Look, if you wanna keep your family jewels, then you need to convince Celestia you can't produce heirs with your spouse, right? Marry a stallion."
"That's... not a bad idea," Blueblood perked up. "They'll quit pestering me about my obligations to find a spouse, too! Oh, but there is one problem..."
"Which is?"
"This may come as a shock to you, but I am considered by some to be quite... boorish."
"No!"
"Yes!" Blueblood draped a foreleg over his face dramatically, the sarcasm lost on him. "There are precious few suitors left who are interested, and I certainly couldn't engage in a farce of a marriage with any of them."
"Just have a fake marriage, then," Zephyr snorted. "You probably only need to stay married until your aunts forget about your claim. I used to pull that distraction routine all the time when I was younger."
"In that case, let's get married."
"Run that by me again?"
"Temporarily, of course!" the prince chortled. "I know you have your eye set on a certain rainbow-maned minx."
"Yeah, I don't think my odds are too good with her..." the pegasus confessed with a sharp intake of breath. "She's really good friends with that blonde farm friend of hers, and my sister, and that one stunt flyer, and that griffin, and... Well, let's just say I think I'm pretty low on her list. Like... at the bottom."
"I haven't the foggiest idea why," Blueblood shrugged. "You're a wonderful listener and a fantastic artist."
"I... put up an act around others, Your Highness," Zephyr confessed. "To be honest, you're the only creature I can be myself around."
Blueblood actually looked at Zephyr in the mirror, the first time he broke eye contact with his reflection for some time. The other stallion's words had been pleasantly surprising, and the prince realized he tended to act different around the mane-stylist as well. Something about Zephyr's greasy charisma managed to tug him out of his narcisism long enough to actually engage in conversation on topics that weren't centered around himself. It was one of the reasons Celestia and Luna had become concerned about his prospects of inheriting the throne: he was actually starting to focus on things other than himself, meaning they couldn't exactly keep him out of politics anymore.
"I appreciate that, Zephyr," the prince admitted, "and I'd appreciate it if you'd help me by pretending to marry me."
"I..." the pegasus stopped and pursed his lips, weighing his options. "Do I get to live with you in your fancy palace?"
"I'll even give you my summer villa after we divorce," Blueblood chortled. "The small one, of course."
"Holy-!" Zephyr had to bite off the expletive, forcing a grin on his face. "I mean, you drive a hard bargain, but why not?"
"Excellent!" Blueblood clapped his hooves together. "I'll tell my aunties! You should inform your family too, so we can make this as convincing as possible! Oh, they won't have a problem with this, will they? I don't believe you've ever shown an interest in stallions before; won't this confuse them?"
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Zephyr snorted. "Have you met my family? They're the most accepting ponies I know!"
...
"I... I just don't understand," Mr. Shy held a hoof to his forehead, his expression one of confusion. His wife was crying quietly into a handkerchief, held in her daughter's arms. "You've never shown any interest in stallions."
"What about Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy asked while she cradled their sobbing mother.
"Come on, sis, let's be real," Zephyr deadpanned. Fluttershy gave a pitiful half-shrug as she conceded the point, and the stallion turned his attention back to his father. "I don't get why you're all acting like this; is it a problem if I like stallions?"
"O-of course not!" Mr. Shy denied. After a moment he cleared his throat and added, "But... have you tried, maybe... not liking stallions?"
Zephyr did a double take, making sure he'd heard that right. Granted, he didn't like stallions - at least, not in that way - but he never expected his parents to react like this.
"Sis, you don't have a problem with me marrying Prince Blueblood, do you?"
"Oh, um..." Fluttershy mumbled, "I was... kind of wanting to be an aunt..."
"I wanted grandfoals!" Mrs. Shy managed between sobs.
"Who will carry on the Shy name, now?" Mr. Shy looked as if someone had burned his house down after shooting his dog.
Zephyr glared flatly at all of them. They had disapproved of all of his career choices, only being happy about his mane-styling career because he'd settled into a job - not because they were actually proud of it. He'd always been overshadowed by his sister's accomplishments, and now they were disapproving of his love life! Well, fake love life, but still!
"Flutters can carry on the family name and give you grandfoals..."
"With who?" Mrs. Shy scoffed. "She can't have foals with Rainbow Dash, and I don't know what kind of zany abominations she'd have with that demonic friend of hers!"
"...Thanks, mom," Fluttershy ground out, her expression one of forced, brittle kindness.
"My bloodline ends here," Mr. Shy continued his defeatist monologue. "I've failed as a father. Oh, Daddy, you were right!"
"Alright, well it has been thrilling to visit," Zephyr stated with dramatic levels of sarcasm, "but I really must be going. Gotta wedding to plan for and all. Be sure to RSVP. Flutters, will you be my Best Mare?"
His sister sighed.
"It'd be an honor..." she agreed in a voice laden with depressed resignation.
"...Fantastic," Zephyr's grin slid from his face as he exited his parents' home.
Nothing I do is ever good enough for them, I swear! Zephyr thought to himself as he flew towards the train station to travel to Canterlot. I hope Blueblood's getting on better with his aunts, at least...
...
"I think he's lying, sister," Luna's voice was hard-edged as she stared across the table at Blueblood.
"Perhaps," Celestia pursed her lips as she paced around her seated nephew. "Blueblood, you wouldn't by chance be lying, now would you?"
"Of... of course not... Auntie."
"It just seems a bit surprising that, as soon as I told you you'd be gelded, you'd announce that you were marrying a stallion and thus wouldn't be able to produce a legitimate heir to the throne," Celestia giggled.
"A stallion you've never mentioned to either of us before," Luna deadpanned, "despite your personal life being your favorite topic of discussion."
"I was... embarrassed," Blueblood shifted uncomfortably.
"Whatever for?" Celestia inquired sweetly. Whenever she became motherly, the prince was nearly as uncomfortable as when Luna became ruthless. To be stuck in a room with both alicorns in such undesirable states put him on edge.
"W-well, he's... a commoner," the prince explained, "a mane-stylist by trade. He's a pegasus, not a unicorn. There's not an ounce of nobility in him. His family is, at best, about middle class."
"You certainly could have done better," Luna noted dryly. After a moment of thought she added, "Then again, probably not."
Even Blueblood's general density could feel the barb.
"A-and, of course, he's a stallion," the prince shrugged. "While mares in power seem to be allowed to carry on relationships with other mares, I've noticed an unspoken... uneasiness whenever stallions engage in same-sex couplings."
"Well, of course," Celestia rolled her eyes. "The nobility must uphold the ideals of ponykind. Commoners are free to engage in whatever appetites and lifestyles they wish, but nobility is held to a higher standard - royalty doubly so!"
"Indeed," Luna agreed. "Mares are the martiarchs. We are the life-givers, the protectors, and fonts of wisdom and power. Stallions are the workhorses; they are strong, hearty, and provide the seed for future generations to be sowed."
"Plowing fields and sowing their seeds," Celestia agreed, biting her lip.
"Oh yes, much plowing," Luna also bit her lip.
An awkward silence stretched as Blueblood tried to act as if such innuendos had gone over his head. Even he wasn't that dense. Celestia cleared her throat as fantasies fled her, snapping Luna out of her own.
"The point is that stallions in nobility are supposed to live up to an image of strong, martial, masculine, macho types. You know?"
"The kind that would throw you over their shoulder and carry you up to the bedroom," Luna added.
"Or simply take you right then and there."
"Make a proper mare out of you."
"Strong chins, rippling muscles."
"All that raw, primal energy."
"I confess," Blueblood interrupted, "that this talk is making me quite uncomfortable. I don't wish to conform to some stereotype wherein I have to be a brute of a stallion who needs to initiate everything. Aren't I allowed to be... dainty?"
"That's so boring," Celestia muttered before sighing. "Yes, yes... I suppose you can be. I have allowed Twilight to change much of our traditions as is. I would just enjoy immortality a bit more if I knew, even a thousand years down the line, that strapping young stallions still existed within the higher echelons of Equestrian society."
"Though there is an appeal to the rough-and-tumble commoner," Luna chortled. "I am partial to sailors myself, as the moon and the sea have always been close."
"Oh yes," Celestia giggled. "What were the names of those two stallions from Nascow?"
"The ones we were supposed to share that you kept to yourself all evening?" Luna spat. "Honestly, did you really need both?!"
"It's not my fault they preferred me to you," Celestia smiled smugly.
"Well then," Blueblood cleared his throat as he stood to depart, though the arguing alicorns didn't seem to notice, "I have a wedding to plan, so I shall bid you adieu. I hope to see you at the service? Remember to RSVP."
He quickly vacated the area as Luna and Celestia began spitting more venomous slurs at each other. Hopefully Zephyr's time with his family had gone smoother.
...
A week later, Zephyr and Blueblood were already finishing preparations for their faux wedding. The pegasus blanched at the exorbitant prices involved, at how lavish and gaudy the affair was to be, but Blueblood assured him that if the wedding were to be convincing, he'd have to do it up in true Blueblood fashion - which, apparently, meant to hike taxes on the general populace in order to fund one day of private festivities.
Zephyr, for his part, was relegated to simply answering questions of opinion which Blueblood wholly ignored.
"What do you think?" the prince asked, holding up two ascots. "The cobalt, or the sapphire?"
"Uh... I think the cobalt brings your eyes out a bit more."
"You're absolutely right, I am a royal, I should be wearing royal blue!" the prince chuckled at his own perceived foolishness while the pegasus rolled his eyes.
"Who all is coming to this shindig, anyway?" Zephyr decided to busy himself by looking through the stack of outgoing mail. "There... sure are a lotta bigwigs coming."
"Well, of course there are!" Blueblood snorted. "This is a state function, after all. I'm a famous celebrity and a member of royalty; I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being the biggest wedding in all of Equestria!"
"Everybody's gonna think I'm gay."
"I would hope so," the prince chuckled, "one should be very gay on their happiest day, shouldn't they?" The smile fell from his lips at the deadpan glare Zephyr was giving him. "Oh... You meant everyone will think you're homosexual. Is that a problem?"
"I mean, it will be after the divorce, won't it?" the pegasus sighed. "It's hard enough getting mares to take me seriously when I act 'flamboyantly'," Zephyr stated with air quotes before rolling his eyes, "like dad's one to talk."
"You'll be rich after the divorce, and if there's one thing I know, it's that mares love rich, flamboyant stallions!" Blueblood grinned.
Zephyr made a noncommital sound before resigning himself to the inevitability of his sham of a marriage. One of Blueblood's servants entered and, quite to Zephyr's surprise, approached him rather than the prince.
"You have a visitor, Master Shy."
"Please, call me Zephyr," the pegasus offered a friendly smile, hoping to put the servant at ease.
"As you wish, Master Zephyr."
Zephyr followed the servant, trying not to grind his teeth in frustration. Blueblood's treatment of anyone lower on the social hierarchy had always been a point of contention between them, but the fact that the servants in Canterlot were so mindlessly obedient and happy to serve their betters was even more grating. Seriously, Blueblood did nothing and lived in obscene wealth, while the servants of the royalty slaved away all day for the same quality of life Zephyr's parents enjoyed doing day jobs. Something to do with the prestige of serving royalty, Zephyr supposed.
When he got to the room where his visitor was waiting, the pegasus did a double-take. There before him was a cyan-coated pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane, her glare scouring him from stallion-bun to polished hooves in scrutiny. She looked even angrier at him than usual, and he hadn't even opened his mouth yet!
"Well, I'll be," he smirked, "Rainbow Dash! Let me guess; you found out about my marriage and have come to beg me to leave Blueblood behind for you, right?"
"I know you're not really gay," Rainbow's voice was deceptively formal and at odds with the narrowing of her eyes. "What are you trying to pull?"
"Honestly, jealousy is so unbecoming," Zephyr deflected, turning around to hide his worried expression.
"I'm not jealous!" Rainbow laughed at the accusation. "I was never attracted to you, you know that! But you are attracted to me."
Zephyr blinked. Wait... was she actually jealous? He turned around and examined the defiant look in her eye, the confident, wolfish grin.
"I know you, Zephyr," she stated darkly, "I know you lust after me. You can't help it; I'm so awesome, if I were a stallion, I'd wanna rut me too!"
She took a step towards him and the stallion took a step back by reflex. The predatory glint in Rainbow's eye grew with her unnerving grin.
"What? No pervy pick-up lines?" she pouted, suddenly. "I thought you liked me. Don't you think I'm pretty anymore?"
"Of course I do!" Zephyr sputtered, realizing too late that she was playing with his emotions in order to catch him in the lie. "B-but, uh... I'm in love with Blueblood."
"Humanshit!" the curse was spat out so quickly that the stallion flinched. Rainbow took a second to compose herself before continuing. "Come on, Zeph, I know you like mares. Specifically, I know you like me. You're just doing all of this to make me jealous. It's pretty pathetic, really."
Zephyr furrowed his brow, feeling more than a little insulted.
"You think I'm marrying Blueblood to make you jealous?"
"It's totally something you'd do," Rainbow smirked. "I mean, really; you're too self-absorbed to genuinely love another pony enough to marry them - unless that pony was me, of course, but that's not saying much. After all, as we both already know, I'm too amazing for you. You'd be lucky to have a mare even half as amazing as me!"
"Sweet Celestia on the Cross, Rainbow, you are so..." Zephyr put a hoof to his head, stunned by the arrogance. "I can't believe what I'm hearing! Are you really that conceited?"
"Am I conceited? I'm not the one faking a marriage just to make a mare jealous!"
"Rainbow, I might be a lot of things," the stallion stood taller, "but I would never toy with another creature's heart just to make you jealous like that. I mean, the worst I've ever done is convince my parents you had a crush on me!"
"And get all... hoofsy with me," the mare shuddered. "You know, I could report you to the authorities for that."
"Because I put my hooves on your shoulders sometimes?" Zephyr scoffed. "Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm getting married, so you don't need to worry about me perving on you anymore."
Rainbow bit her lip, eyes wide at the promise. Zephyr made to leave the room, but the mare zipped between him and the door with her unnatural speed. Zephyr stepped back in surprise. She was blushing now, glaring at him in challenge.
"I can't believe you!" she snapped.
"What?" Zephyr furrowed his brow in confusion. "I'm getting married, and I didn't do it to make you jealous. Is that really so hard to believe?"
"That's not what I mean!" the smaller pegasus growled in frustration. "I mean... you seriously just gave up? Years of all that talk, and then you suddenly just marry a unicorn I've never even heard you talk about?! It's insulting! What am I to you? You didn't even have the balls to tell me you quit, you just moved onto a new, easier conquest!"
"What in the world...?" Zephyr muttered. "Are you alright? I didn't think you cared one way or another."
"Of course I care!" Rainbow was crying now, turning to wipe her tears. "I mean, I-I don't know if I love you, but I do care about you, and I miss the attention you always gave me."
"Really?" Zephyr deadpanned. "You just said it was creepy and that you should report me to the authorities."
"To get a reaction out of you!" the mare rounded on him, forcing him backwards until he was against the wall. She stared up at him with bedroom eyes still red from tears, pleading with him, her mouth slightly open. He felt her breath tickle his chin and his pulse increased. "You... you still care about me, don't you?"
"Of course..."
"And... I'm pretty, right?" her voice wavered. "You still think I'm attractive, right? Most stallions aren't interested in small, athletic mares like me, but you always made me feel... valued."
"You're gorgeous, Rainbow," Zephyr couldn't help cupping her cheek in his hoof, his blood pumping as she cuddled into it. "You know that I'll always love you..."
"Prove it."
She leaned in expectantly and Zephyr met her in a passionate kiss, years of being deprived this prize fueling his efforts. Things quickly escalated and he made sure to lock to door before they managed their way to the bed. After an hour or so, they laid basking in the afterglow, Zephyr smiling languidly with his mane undone, forelegs resting behind his head, while Rainbow propped her head on one foreleg and used the other to trace circles in the stallion's chest floof.
"Y'know, that was actually more enjoyable than I thought it'd be," she confessed, smirking. "You did pretty good."
"Thanks," Zephyr smiled. "I'm so happy, Rainbow. I've always loved you."
"I know," Rainbow stopped tracing circles, staring at the stallion suddenly. Their expressions locked and the mare suddenly started laughing, grinning at Zephyr like he'd just fallen for a joke. "I knew you weren't gay!"
"Heh... yeah, you caught me..." Zephyr chuckled, a little unsure where this was going. Suddenly Rainbow Dash was back to her usual self, the lovestruck look completely erased from her face. It was almost as if they had never had sex.
"I knew you were lying about the marriage, too!" she shot up from the bed, standing victoriously and strutting around the room. "Oh man, you're too easy, Zephyr!"
"...What?"
"I knew the only way to get you to confess was to give you something you couldn't resist!" Rainbow lifted her flank and gave a little shake. "My compact little flank! I knew there was absolutely no way you could resist it; you're so hopelessly in love with me, and my awesome, sexy body, that there's no way you could ever move on, let alone to some blocky stallion like Blueblood."
"...What?"
"I guess you can call off the marriage now," Rainbow smirked victoriously. "Not that you're up to snuff to be my coltfriend - yet. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it'll take a lot of hard work and effort on your part. For starters, you need to build some more muscle mass; you need to be a strong flyer before I can even consider taking you on as a lover."
"We literally just had sex!"
"A tryout," Rainbow rolled her eyes, "and you did alright, otherwise I wouldn't even be considering this."
"I'm still marrying Blueblood," Zephyr stated flatly, too angry at Rainbow's deception and treatment to be even the slightest bit happy that she at least considered him a potential coltfriend. The mare's eyes widened and she suddenly looked painfully confused, her expression like someone who'd eaten an ice cream too quickly.
"What?" she shook her head. "Why? I said you can try to be my coltfriend - after putting in a little more effort, of course. I know it's not as good as marriage, but if you manage to do good enough as my coltfriend and can best all the other competitors, then I don't see why we can't-"
"I'm still marrying Blueblood," Zephyr repeated. "I need to. I... can't explain why, but this is still happening. Now, if he and I divorce, I'd love to-"
"Are you seriously putting me on the back burner? After rutting me?!" Rainbow shrieked in his face. "You are scum, Zephyr Breeze! Absolute scum!"
She dashed out of the room so quickly it left a rainbow streak, leaving a stunned Zephyr alone. A moment later she was back with an envelope.
"And here's my RSVP, you bastard!" she tossed it at the stallion. "You guys better not stint on the Celestia-damn carrot rangoons, or I'll give you twice what I'm giving you now!"
And then she left again.
...
The day of the wedding came.
The attendance was truly beyond anything ponykind had ever seen before, with envoys and sightseers from the Crystal Empire, all over Equestria, and the myriad nations of creatures worldwide swarming the streets and thoroughfares of Canterlot, eager to witness this historic wedding. The celebrity Prince Blueblood was finally getting married, and to a lower-class stallion of all creatures! Trottingham's obsession with the royals had been abuzz internationally, marketing the story of Zephyr Breeze as a commoner meeting his Prince Charming. The pegasus' face now adorned merchandise ranging from collectible plates to T-shirts.
Zephyr felt nauseated looking out at the crowd from the balcony of the castle. He wore a finely-tailored white suit that cost more than he could make in a year. His sister stood near him, looking irritated.
"Well, you finally managed to one-up me, haven't you?" she asked in a voice so passive it was clear she was upset. "Honestly, Zephyr, was all this pomp really necessary? I get it; you're getting married before me. You don't have to rub it in."
"Celestia, sister, don't you start..." the stallion took his sister's complaining as an excuse to turn away from the crowd. "First Rainbow Dash corners me, telling me I'm only getting married to make her jealous, and now you're acting like the wedding Blueblood planned and paid for was my idea to one-up you!"
Fluttershy sighed and forced a smile on her lips.
"I'm sorry, Zeph. I guess I'm just jealous you found love before me."
"It's alright, Flutters," Zephyr returned the expression. "Say, did mom and pops arrive?"
"Mom did, yes..." Fluttershy avoided eye contact.
"What about dad?"
"He's not taking this well, Zephyr," Fluttershy confessed with tears in her eyes. "He took to the bottle. He's become an aggressive alcoholic, consuming at least two wine coolers a day. Mother doesn't even recognize him anymore."
"It's... probably best he doesn't come, then," Zephyr sighed. The last thing he needed today was anyone making a scene.
"Rainbow Dash has been excited, though."
"Oh?" the stallion blanched at the mention of the mare considering their last meeting had ended so poorly. "Did she happen to say why?"
"Just something about a 'day of reckoning'," Fluttershy explained with air quotes. "When I tried to figure out what that meant, all she did was chuckle and say 'stay tuned'."
"That's certainly not unnerving," Zephyr muttered. "The ceremony will begin soon. Thanks, sis."
"For what?" Fluttershy was caught offguard by the sudden gratitude.
"For being here, as my best mare," the stallion shot her a grin. "I'm... pretty nervous."
"I don't see why," Fluttershy offered a comforting smile. "You're about to be married to one of the wealthiest and most powerful figures in all of Equestria, beloved by millions. You'll probably live out the rest of your days in love and bliss, your every need attended to. Until death do you part, even. I mean, it's pretty much easy street from here on out for you, really. Nopony would go through all the trouble of getting married unless they truly loved each other; there's nothing to worry about, Zephyr."
Unsurprisingly, Fluttershy's assurance did little to relieve her brother.
...
Blueblood attempted to ease his anxiety but was stuck in the presence of the other royals. Celestia smirked knowingly at him, clearly still unconvinced about the entire affair. Luna stared down, imperiously, at the unicorn, eyes condemning. His cousin, Cadance, he had hoped would be a welcome relief, her normally jovial nature marred by bitter jealousy.
"I cannot believe that so many creatures came!" she muttered angrily. "I mean, you're not a head of state, you're not even a state functionary!"
Twilight, at least, was kinder, yet totally oblivious to the undertones of the other alicorns.
"I know!" the younger alicorn smiled widely. "Creatures from all over the world have come to celebrate a marriage between two stallions! It's a true sign of how far we've come in recent years. Did you know same-sex couplings are forbidden by some creatures?"
"They might be onto something..." Cadance whispered venomously, just loud enough that only her cousin could hear it. Louder, she asked, "So, Blueblood, where did you meet this guy?"
"He's been my mane-stylist of choice for about a year now," the prince explained, "and a true friend."
"You've only known him a year?" Luna noted. "That's suspicious."
"Oh! Love at first sight!" Twilight sighed, breathily. "That's so romantic! You're very lucky."
Cadance rolled her eyes.
"Cousin, you do realize I'm the Princess of Love, right?" the pink alicorn pointed out. "Surely you realize I know the truth of the situation?"
"I would greatly appreciate it, dear cousin, if you'd keep such information private," Blueblood chuckled. "I know, it might seem cowardly of me to cut you out of the loop, but I'm afraid I don't quite have the balls to tell you the truth. I'm marrying Zephyr because, really, it's the only thing I could do." He spoke emphatically, nudging his head towards the eldest alicorns, enunciating key phrases so Cadance would understand while the oblivious newcomer, Twilight, would only find them curious.
Cadance furrowed her brow as she processed the cryptic message, then her eyes widened as it all clicked. She was a smart mare with much expertise regarding the intrigues of the royal court; of course she'd understand.
"Ah, I see..." a thin, unpleasant smile graced her lips. "You can count on my support for this marriage, dear cousin, but remember that one sign of support deserves another."
"Hold on, we're not dead yet," Celestia glared at her neice. "You can wait."
"What? Another thousand years?" Cadance deadpanned. "You're immortal! When are you going to give up the crown and let someone else try?"
"Why aren't you asking for my crown?" Luna demanded.
"Because she knows who really wears the crown in this relationship, sister," Celestia smirked.
"You said we would share this regency!"
"I believe I said something similar a thousand years ago, and look how that turned out," the elder sister chortled. "Oh, don't look so sad, sister. Are you going to throw a tantrum and need a timeout like last time?"
"Of... course not..." Luna bit out, forcing a grin to her face. "You are... so... gracious... dear sister."
"I do strive to be generous."
"Indeed!" the younger sister's grin grew larger. "Truly, I doubt there has been a princess as generous to stallions as you are in the entire history of Equestria!"
Cadance let out a guffaw while Twilight continued to look confused. Blueblood realized that, for as smart as the new alicorn was, she had such a positive interpretation for all the alicorns that she was incapable of seeing their negative traits. Her confusion stemmed from her trying to reconcile their bitterness with her image of them as immortal saints. The prince shook his head and tried to distract himself while his aunts continued bickering.
"I am glad to see that my being favored hasn't embittered you, sister," Celestia shot back. "I realize that being as lonely as you've been has not been easy on you. It must be difficult to find someone when you sleep all day."
"I have a night job!" Luna retorted. She gave a nasty grin. "And you would be surprised how satisfying my job can be. There are no shortage of stallions who dream of me."
Back and forth it went, the prince trying to tune them out while his ears burned. Any second now the wedding would begin.
...
Zephyr blushed as his sister led him down the aisle in place of their absent father. He found Rainbow Dash in the audience, wearing an incredibly smug expression as she saw him. That didn't bode well, of course, but his mind was on other matters. Blueblood was waiting for him before the altar, looking as nervous as him. Judging by the knowing smirks and glares of his relatives, Zephyr realized he had every reason to be. His eyes drifted to another section of the audience where his mother was sobbing, though he could tell they were not tears of joy, but rather tears of loss for unborn grandfoals.
What a baby... he thought.
Zephyr took his place before the altar, enduring a lengthy religious sermon in Old Ponish, and then the complicated system of vows he had studied for. Finally, they exchanged horseshoes and prepared for the final act. Zephyr felt uncomfortable about kissing his friend, but a pair of testicles were on the line.
"If there is anypony," the priest stopped, "sorry, any creature here who knows why these two stallions should not be wed, let them speak or forever hold their peace."
There was a pause, a tension in the air that seemed to drag on far beyond the mere space of time. Zephyr saw Rainbow suddenly grin widely, standing up from where she was sitting with her parents. His heart froze as he saw her open her mouth, the intent clear on her face.
"I know!" a quiet voice broke out before Rainbow had a chance to make her declaration. All eyes turned towards the newcomer: a dissheveled Mr. Shy, stumbling in with a small can of a store-brand wine cooler in his hoof. "My son is a gosh-darn stallion-fiddler!"
The audience collectively gasped while Zephyr merely facehoofed.
"He's a dong-diddler! A shame to our entire family!" Mr. Shy sobbed. "My bloodline has ended! Do you hear me son? You've killed the House of Shy with your moral degeneracy!"
"Hey!" Bow Hothoof stood up from the audience, outraged. "You can't just barge in here and interrupt my daughter's best friend's brother's wedding like this! My daughter, Rainbow Dash - the one right there with the awesome figure - is a Wonderbolt and a hero, and you will not ruin this moment for her!"
"Dad..." Rainbow Dash groaned, sinking into her seat as all eyes were on her for a moment.
"What are you going to do about it," Mr. Shy took a moment to take a sip from his can before politely dropping it into a nearby recyclable recepticle, "big boy?"
"Are you challenging me, little colt?" Bow towered over the other pegasus. "I'm not afraid to fight my daughter's best friend's father at my daughter's best friend's brother's wedding!"
"If it's a fight you want..." Mr. Shy took off his sweater vest, folded it, and neatly set it aside before doing the same for his shirt. His coat was a patchwork of tattoos ranging from hooves clasped in prayer to a mural of inkwork on his back detailing the gates of Canterlot, with stylized images of the alicorns flying over them. Across his collar, the words Only Celestia Can Judge Me were printed. "...it's a fight you'll get."
Almost immediately Bow socked Mr. Shy in the mouth, and the older stallion retaliated in kind. The audience broke out into cheers and cries of horror, a cacophony of noise filling the palace grounds as all in attendance watched the brawl unfold. Zephyr only watched in shock. The brawling stallions fell to the ground, rolling around and trying to pin one another, before stopping to catch their breath, staring into each other's eyes. In an instant they both leaned in, locking lips.
"Bow?!" Windy Whistle exclaimed.
"Honey!" Mrs. Shy gasped.
"Oh!" Fluttershy blushed as her wings popped up. "O-oh my...!"
After the stallions had a moment to collect themselves, a slightly sobered Mr. Shy approached the altar, panting, bruised, bloodied, and tattoos still showing.
"Son, I'm sorry for the things I said," he confessed. "I was just repressing my own homosexual tendencies that I've been holding onto since I was a young colt. I married your mother because I was pressured to by my father, to continue the Shy line, but I will not become my father. I support you, son. Marry for love, and don't end up in a hapless marriage like I was!"
Mrs. Shy's eyes rolled backwards as she fainted.
"Zephyr's not gay!" Rainbow shouted after flying above the audience, drawing another gasp from them. Zephyr and Blueblood flinched at the proclamation.
"You can't prove that!" the prince challenged.
"Oh, but I can!" Rainbow's smug grin returned. "Zephyr couldn't resist my awesome, sexy, feminine wiles! I totally seduced him a few nights ago, and he's hopelessly in love with me! Which, I mean, of course he is! I'm so awesome, you'd have to be crazy not to want to rut me!"
"That's right, sweetie!" Bow hollered.
"No one can seduce stallions like you!" Windy added. She was by her husband's side in an instant, hissing at him, "What the hell was that business with our neighbor just now?"
"Y-you can't prove that, Rainbow!" Zephyr felt put on the spot as Blueblood glared at him.
"Oh yeah?" the mare produced a small, plastic tool and held it aloft for all to see. "I'm pregnant with Zephyr's foal! I've got the stick right here!"
A chorus of gasps and discussions arose as Blueblood slapped Zephyr.
"You whore!" he cried out.
"Ow!" Zephyr rubbed his cheek. "What the hell, Blueblood?!"
"I can't believe you slept with her!"
"Alright, alright, let's drop the charade, shall we?" Celestia smirked as she took center stage, pushing the priest aside. "Zephyr, Blueblood... neither of you are really gay, are you? This whole wedding was fake."
"Technically, I am bisexual," the prince stated defiantly.
All eyes were on the pegasus stallion. He looked out at the crowd. Rainbow Dash hovering overhead, triumphant and proud of him impregnating her for no other reason except to sabotage his fake marriage. His father drunk and making passes at Rainbow Dash's father. His mother, unconscious from witnessing the renunciation of more than twenty years of monogomous matrimony. A thousand other faces split between outrage, horror, and amusement over this fiasco. Blueblood, horrified that he was soon to be castrated, and Celestia and Luna pleased they had disproved their little ruse.
Zephyr stepped forward.
"That's right," he proudly declared, "we lied. I pretended to be gay and agreed to marry Blueblood because he's my best friend. The princesses were going to cut his balls off in order to prevent him from having a legitimate claim to the throne, and the only way to stop that from happening was to convince them that he was gay."
The audience went dead silent and the expressions of victory were wiped away from Rainbow Dash and the alicorns.
"What?" someone in the audience asked.
"Now, I know it was wrong for me to lie like that," Zephyr looked at Rainbow Dash and the members of his family in-turn. "I'm sorry, Rainbow. I love you - I always have - and I never wanted to make you feel as if you were just a passing interest I flirted with until I was bored. I'm sorry, dad. I know I've let you down as a son in the past, and it was never my intent to end the line of Shy; I'll make you proud, dad. I'm sorry, mom, for not providing you grandfoals. I know you're currently unconscious, and you're probably going to be more broken up about dad being gay, but I felt the need to apologize for that all the same. And I'm sorry to you, sis. I should have trusted you with the truth."
"No, seriously," the voice from the audience spoke again, "what was that part about cutting the prince's balls off?!"
"Blueblood, I'm sorry for ruining all this by falling for Rainbow's seductions," Zephyr frowned. "I may not be gay, but I simply can't resist a tomboy shaking her flank in front of me."
"I totally understand, old bean," Blueblood smiled, producing a cigar from his coat pocket. "Here, have this - to celebrate becoming a father!"
"It's a little fallic, isn't it?" Zephyr pursed his lips as he studied the cigar. "I mean, given all the stuff that just happened?"
"My boy, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," Blueblood chortled. He turned to his aunts and bowed his head. "Auntie Tia, Auntie Lulu... Please don't chop my balls off! I'll forsake my claim to the throne! I didn't even want the job!"
Celestia and Luna spared a look at each other and then the angry mutterings of the gathered ponies and non-ponies glaring at them. They both gulped and Celestia stepped forward, projecting her voice so all could hear her.
"Oh, Blueblood! Don't be silly!" she giggled. "Clearly, there's been some sort of misunderstanding! Where in Equestria did you get the idea I was going to castrate you?"
"You told me that you were going to geld me..."
"You misheard," Luna stepped in. "Obviously we wanted to, uh... gild you! You know, decorate you in gold!"
"Of course!" Celestia laughed too loudly. "I mean, you love wearing gold!"
"But... what about all that stuff about preventing me from producing an heir so I can't claim the throne?" Blueblood furrowed his brow.
"A fever dream," Luna chuckled as she waved a dismissive hoof, "from that bad oyster you ate the other day."
"What bad oyster?"
"Oh, you were very sick," Celestia nodded vigorously, "it's no wonder you don't remember."
"Celestia and I nursed you back to health," Luna stated clearly to the audience, "because that is just how kind and loving we are!"
The murmur of the crowd immediately turned positive, with everyone - ponies and foreign visitors alike - relieved to hear that such vile rumors were clearly false, and that their rulers were truly benevolent. Zephyr was almost convinced himself.
"Well, that is a relief," Blueblood laughed. "I guess you are free to go, my friend. Still... it'd be a shame to let this wedding go to waste. Say, why don't you marry that rainbow-maned succubus that exposed our lie in a shameless public declaration?"
"Good idea!" Zephyr galloped over to where Rainbow Dash was standing, her parents still arguing nearby. "Rain-bae! Let's get married!"
"Why would I marry you?" the sporty pegasus sneered.
"...You're carrying my foal, for starters," Zephyr pointed out, "and you just sabotaged my marriage to Blueblood just to expose me as a liar, preventing me from saving his balls."
"Come on Zeph, don't be stupid," Rainbow scoffed. "Everybody knows Blueblood was going to be gilded, not gelded!"
"...Right," the stallion deadpanned. "Look, you're a Wonderbolt, right?"
"Well, yeah."
"So, you're pretty busy, right?"
"Duh."
"How do you think raising a foal full-time is going to affect your career?"
"Obviously, it-" Rainbow stopped, her face breaking into one of confusion as she tried to rationalize the situation. "Well, I'll just- no, that won't work... Spike can- no, I don't want them raised by a dragon... Oh! I can just abort- no, it'd be a crime to deny the world my awesome genes... Huh... I can't be a Wonderbolt and raise the foal. It'd cut into my napping time, and the time I have to go on adventures or just hang out with my friends."
"Exactly!" Zephyr grinned. "But, if you married me, I could raise our foal, and you'd always have somepony available to rut you."
"Hmmm..." Rainbow narrowed her eyes, pursed her lips, and rubbed her chin as she weighed her options. "A foalsitter and a dildo all in one?"
"I can housesit and style manes, too."
"Whoa! No more paying 17 bits for a manecut?!" Rainbow grinned. "You got yourself a deal!"
...
And so, our story comes to a close. Zephyr Breeze and Rainbow Dash were married, and the line of Shy was secured with a dozen foals, half of which were colts. Through their irresponsible lovemaking and the fact both partners forgot contraceptives existed, the couple somehow managed to put them all through school. Rainbow Dash lived out her career as a Wonderbolt, and her mane was always fabulous.
Blueblood was gilded as promised, wearing so much gold that it physically hurt to look at him in daylight. Disappointed with the lack of ponies staring at him, Blueblood donated all of his wealth to charity and pursued the life of an aesthetic before achieving enlightenment. He lives out his days as a nomadic guru, exiled from Equestria for his opposition to the regime of his aunts and for cultivating a religious following numbering in the millions. Rumors abound that his followers have infiltrated the governments of the world and are subverting them while converting the populaces, and as a result his followers are frequently purged in massive pogroms while death squads are actively sent out to bring back his head.
Mr. Shy divorced Mrs. Shy at the same time Bow Hothoof divorced Windy Whistle. Both stallions married each other and opened a gay bar in Las Pegasus that was quickly shut down due to neither stallion having any experience as business owners or bartenders. Mrs. Shy and Windy Whistle each remarried younger, attractive stallions who were wealthy and successful, both being "way hotter than their daughters" according to numerous accounts.
Celestia eventually buried the hatchet with her sister, surprising Luna on her birthday with the entire crew of the E.S.S. Rockhard fresh in for an extended shore leave. The crew returned to their duties a week later, drained but grinning to a stallion, and all reports say that for the entire week, the moon glowed so bright it outshone the sun. In response to her sister's generosity, Luna returned the bottles of aprazolam she'd stolen from her sister out of spite.
Fluttershy would go on to marry Discord, her husband using his powers to ensure that her wedding was quite literally bigger than her brother's in order to "put the flamboyant flop in his place" as the draconequues put it. They would only have one foal, retroactively bringing Screwball into the world, despite Pinkie Pie pointing out she'd already appeared as a mare in Season 2.
Princess Cadance and Princess Twilight continued their rulership of their territories for many centuries to come. Cadance would eventually convert to Blueblood's religion after losing her husband to old age and realizing how much of a curse immortality was. Twilight continued to be an oblivious servant of Celestia, constantly being called upon to endanger the lives of her and all her friends in order to fulfill Celestia's obligations as protector of the realm.
She never scored.
The End
