Anon’s Friendship Lessons

Chapters

The Syllabus
Lesson 1: Conduct an Interview with Twilight Sparkle
Lesson 2: Visit the Spa with Rarity, Part 1
Lesson 2: Visit the Spa with Rarity, Part 2
Lesson 3: Have Tea with Fluttershy
Lesson 4: Get Physical with Rainbow Dash
Lesson...Uh: Deal with Diamond Tiara?
Lesson 5: Cook with Applejack (featuring the Apple Family and Negro Spirituals?)
The Super Duper Fun Lesson 6: Do All The Things With Your Favorite Party Pony, Pinkie Pie!
Graduation

The Syllabus

Anon hated knocking. This much was known. Every time a pony or a dragon would knock at his door, it was always at an inopportune time. Either he was in his thoughts, sleeping, eating, shitting or “pushing rope”. In any case, it was never a good time to knock.

Still, walking into your living room to find a white horse sitting on your couch wasn’t the best alternative.

“Um, P-Princess?” Anon asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes. “Ain’t it a bit early in the day to be breaking into people’s houses?” Celestia was sitting regally, upright and proper. She wore her regalia and a patient smile, radiating with warmth and love. It was pleasant. Too pleasant. Anon shifted on his heels, that creeping fear of authority returning to him.

“It’s 3 in the afternoon, Anonymous.” She points a hoof at the clock on the wall. Sure enough, the clock had its hands on 3 sharp. Anon felt his skin burn with embarrassment. Celestia saw Anon and softly giggled. “It’s a pleasure to see you again. Please, come sit with me.” She used her wing to tap the spot next to her. Anon hesitated, before slowly approaching and taking a seat on the very far side of the couch. This caused Celestia to giggle again. For a princess of 1000+ years, she was as giddy as a schoolgirl.

“What’s so funny?” Anon crossed his arms. Celestia attempted to regain her regal composure.

“I won’t bite you, Anonymous.” She joked, using her wing to emphasize the distance Anon had put between them. “You can afford to relax around me. I’m not as stern and uptight as you might think I am.”

“Regardless, I’m staying over here.” Anon tucked his legs under himself in defiance. Celestia rolled her eyes, but still kept smiling. Anon was getting annoyed with this cheery horse. He was about to give her a piece of his mind, before she spoke up.

“Why do you hide yourself, Anonymous?” Celestia asked simply. Anon’s words were caught in his throat.

“Uh…” He managed to eek out in response.

“You have been our guest for quite some time now.” She continued. “After meeting with you, I can see that you are a...conflicted individual. As such, I did not want to rush you into doing anything you would feel uncomfortable with.” Anon shifted in his seat. He felt like something unpleasant was coming. “However, I think now that you have not only had time to adjust to your situation and showed your heroism-”

“Pfft, heroism.” Anon interrupted, blowing a raspberry. Celestia frowned, not at the outburst itself, but it’s self-depreciative tone.

“Yes, Anonymous. Heroism. You stood up to protect a town of which you were not a part of.” Celestia argued. “Despite your differences, cultural and physical,
you cared enough to defend my little ponies.”

“Care is a pretty strong word.” Anon shot back. “It was more of a calculated effort to ensure my survival. If they were safe, I continued to live in peace. If they weren’t, I’d have to relocate.” Anon looked away from Celestia, but he could feel her eyes against his skin. Finally, she sighed, shaking her head.

“This is what I meant by conflicted.” She said. Anon began to feel like he was in a therapy session. “You push others away and are extraordinarily abrasive. I was beginning to think that maybe you truly wanted to be alone. But, I don’t think you really want to be. You just need a little push.” Celestia levitated a checklist towards Anon. Anon took it and looked it over with scrutinizing eyes.

“Conduct an interview with Twilight Sparkle...visit the spa with Rarity...?” He moved down the list and saw more and more tasks, all of which asking Anon to do mundane activities with various names, some of which he didn’t recognize. “I’m sorry, uh, the fuck is this?”

“I remember you mentioning being a student during our first meeting.” Celestia explained. “Consider this a continuation of your studies.” Anon glared.

“I don’t know what the hell your education system is here, but I can assure you my world doesn’t have this for a curriculum.” Despite Anon’s raises of voice, Celestia remained unfazed. “Why are you dropping this on me now?”

“I simply thought you could do with some activities that could bring you out of your shell.” Anon stood, tossing the list back at Celestia. She caught it within a levitation field.

“You know, not to shit in your cake, but I don’t feel so compelled to complete your little list.” Anon put his hands in his pockets and leaned on the wall in front of the princess. “I don’t care for your horse subjects and, frankly, they don’t care for me. If they did, how come they didn’t become friends with me of their own accord? Checkmate.” Anon smirked, tilting his head in anticipation of an explanation.

“That is true.” Celestia acknowledged. “Hence, I believe this will only serve to bring you closer with the community and the community to you.” Anon groaned, heading into the kitchen.

“I need a drink.” He grumbled. As he poured himself a cup of water, he silently fumed. Why did he have to be the one to go and make friends? Who does this Princess think she is, breaking into his house?

“Anonymous, I fail to see why you object to the possibility of making friends.” Celestia had gotten back up, following behind Anon list floating beside her.

“I’ve made friends.” Anon said defensively. “There’s Spike.”

“And?” Celestia tilted her head, waiting for a response. Anon merely glared at her in silence, before drinking his cup of water. He slammed the cup with a thud.

“That’s proof enough that I am capable of social interaction enough. However, I see no benefit in making any further friends. And I certainly don’t need some sun goddess to supervise my relationships.”

“Have you talked with Spike since you’ve arrived in Equestria?” Celestia asked, attempting to keep a professional attitude. Still, a hint of sass could be heard in her voice if one listened closely.

“Like, a couple times. Probably.” Anon walked by Celestia, accidentally walking into the checklist dangled in front of him. He swatted it away like a fly before sitting back on his couch. “It doesn’t matter. Shit, the ways you ponies act, it’s almost like being introverted is a crime.”

“An introvert is a shy, reticent individual.” Celestia walks until she is in front of Anon and sits before him. “If you were only introverted, I would still suggest you take part in the listed activities. However, I think there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“How would you know!?” Anon snapped back. This made Celestia flinch, causing Anon to immediately regret it. Celestia seemed to slump into herself, her radiance slowly fading.

“Anonymous, May I talk to you as a pony, and not a princess?” She asked. Anon hesitated before leaning back and hearing her out. She looked down, rubbing a hoof on her foreleg. “These last few years, I’ve been feeling conflicted myself. Equestria, my kingdom, the land that I love so dearly, reveres me.”

“Jeez, what a burden.” Anon muttered. Celestia gave a halfhearted chuckle before continuing.

“I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous. Lately, however, I’ve been wondering why. My former student, Twilight, has grown to be such an admirable and wonderful soul. Time and time again, she has saved my country when I couldn’t. The Storm King was no exception. It made me wonder why my subjects still care about me.”

Anon noticed that the room was not as lit as it was before. It was actually fairly dark, with the curtains drawn, hiding the sun. Anon never pulled them back, so it truly was Celestia herself lighting the room. Now, everything was dim, just as he had left it. Anon leaned forward, dropping his attitude to listen to the Princess.

“When Discord, a being of pure chaos, broke free, I let Twilight and her friends handle the threat. I believed I was teaching her a lesson, as though if things went truly wrong, I could always step in. Then, the first Changeling invasion happened and I attempted to defend my subjects, only to fail. When Sombra returned, I was afraid to fail again. Later, I was kidnapped by the Everfree-“

“Y’all should really just cut down that forest.” Anonymous remarked. This got a hardy laugh out of the Princess, making Anon warm inside. Celestia settled and continued. “More and more, I’ve noticed my growing passivity and self-doubt. I don’t think I’m the spry, adventurous ruler I was back then. I feel as though, as time passes, maybe there’s nothing for my subjects to admire about me anymore.”

“Well,” Anon looked for the right words to say to the dejected princess. “I mean, you raise the sun. You run a government and one that, by all accounts, isn’t trying to oppress anyone. You taught the pony that’s saved your ass a bunch of times. There are things to admire.” The words, as sweet as they were, felt uncomfortable to Anon. He couldn’t explain why. It’s not like he didn’t want to be nice, but the act itself made him feel unqualified to say such things. Nevertheless, Celestia looked up at Anon with a sad smile.

“I’m sure you know well that even when everyone and everything tells you there is nothing to worry about, that doesn’t stop you from worrying.” Anon’s face fell, as did his body after hearing that. He did in fact know that feeling. Hearing a pony relate to such a real struggle reminded him of his interactions with Spike. A little dragon feeling like an outsider, a yeti soldier losing their leader and their purpose, and now a horsey princess dealing with imposter syndrome. This world was starting to feel a little less fantastical the longer he stayed.

“I’m sorry.” Celestia’s sudden apology brought Anon back from his thoughts. “I really shouldn’t have invaded your privacy just to talk to you about what bothers me. I just wanted...I thought that maybe I…” The more she talked, the more she was unsure of what she came here for.

“Let me take a crack at it.” Anon offered. “You saw that I was a bit of a bastard and thought you could help me. If you helped me, it’d make you feel like you were the princess Equestria thinks you are.” Celestia blew air out her noses, suppressing a chuckle.

“Yes, I suppose you figured out my plan.” Celestia admitted. Anon smiled.

“Well, shit albino. That’s all you had to say.” Anon jokes, picking up the checklist again. He grimaced again seeing all the things she wanted him to do. “I’m still unsure about all this though. I’ve never been one to actively go and make friends.”

“I understand.” Celestia says, standing on her hooves once more. “And if it means anything, I’m sorry if we haven’t done our best to accommodate you.” Anon waved away the apology.

“It’s whatever, Princess.” Anon rolled up the checklist. “You ponies have a real hard-on for friendship, don’t you?” Celestia tilted her head slightly, unaware of the expression.

“Friendship is very valuable to us, yes.” She answered, hoping it was the answer to his question. Anon nodded. “You could say it’s foundational to us. We only wish to share it with everycreature.”

“There’s worse ideologies to subject people. Believe me, Celly.” Celestia raised an eyebrow, a smile slowly spreading on her face.

“Celly?” She asked curiously.

“Prin-cess Ce-lest-i-a is 6 syllables, Cel-ly is 2. So, it’s an efficient nickname.” Celestia giggled.

“On a nickname basis, are we?” She teased. “I am still the Princess of Equestria.”

“And I am a human ambassador and guest in your land.” Anon shot back. The two shared a laugh, before a loud stomach rumbling interrupted the two.

“Shit.” Anon held his stomach,with a sheepish grin. “Guess it’s time for lunch.”

“You mean, dinner?” Celestia corrects, receiving a glare from Anon. She giggled again as she trotted towards the door.

“I must say, Anonymous. You have a unique sense of humor about you. I think you’ll find yourself more successful in your studies than you think.” She opened the door with her horn, but before stepping out, she turned back to Anon one last time. “And, thank you, Anonymous. Thank you for lending an ear to an old mare and her problems.” Anon again waved her condolences away.

“I figure you ponies would do the same. When in Rome and all that.” With a puzzling look and a soft smile, Celestia walks out of the house, closing the door behind her. Anon pulled the checklist back out, looking over the various activities suggested to him. By all accounts, he could just ignore it and keep keeping to himself. What’s the worst that Celestia could do? That being said, he left that conversation with a lot more understanding of the Princess and the world. As much as he hated to admit it, he probably should do what the Princess advised. Besides, it’d make her feel good and Anon not feel guilty. It’s a win-win.

“Damn.” Anon grabbed the checklist and rolled it up. “Well, you know what they say: put off for tomorrow what you were gonna do today!” Anon walked back to the bedroom to sleep the rest of the afternoon away.

Author's Note

Finally, a story where I can-I mean, Anon can hang out with the horses. After some detours, I can actually write some SoL shit. As always, I'm sorry

Lesson 1: Conduct an Interview with Twilight Sparkle

Okay. So, maybe it was just a couple days since he was assigned to his friendship lessons by Celestia. In his defense, he had a history of procrastination, the Princess just wasn’t aware of it yet. Although, it wasn’t like he was given a due date or deadline. Still, this was something he should really get working on if he wanted to make a dent in his “studies”.

“Lesson 1: Conduct an Interview with Twilight Sparkle. Simple enough.” Anon knocked at the door of the door as he read. It was approaching 5 in the evening. Anon wouldn’t be surprised if he would have to wait another day to get the list done. He rocked on his heels until the doors opened, revealing a little dragon.

“Oh, hey Anon!” Spike greeted. “I almost never see you out on your own. Actually, I’ve never seen you out on your own.” The dragon admitted, a hand to his chin. Anon rolled his eyes, not wanting to be reminded of his self-imposed hibernation.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to speak with Princess Twilight.” This seemed to catch the dragon by surprise.

“Twilight? Why? Is something wrong?” Spike asked with concern.

“Well, for me maybe.” Anon muttered. “Princess Celestia wanted me to stop by. Apparently she wanted me to conduct and interview with her?” Spike surely had something to say about that, likely a warning about Twilight's enthusiasm for research and study. However, that came just a little too late because as soon as Anon finishes his sentence, he could feel his body lift from the ground in a pinkish aura. He was then promptly whisked away into the halls of the castle.

“Hey, what the hell?!” Anonymous exclaimed, flying through the halls until he was brought to the familiar library. There he was dropped into a beanbag chair on his stomach. Across from him was the eponymous Princess Twilight, already seated in her own more ornate chair. She held pen and paper in her magical auras, while also wearing a smile and sitting patiently in her chair. She let out a sigh.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you consent to an interview!” She cheerfully explained.

“Consent?” Anon asked worriedly, fixing his position in the beanbag chair.

“Of course. I could’ve just teleported you here for a brief interview but that is something I’ve learned not to do.” Anon grimaced at the idea that, in an earlier time, this pony would’ve hunted him down herself. “Ever since Spike first introduced you, I had so many questions! That meeting with the other Princesses only made me more curious and I just couldn’t bear it any longer!” Twilight was practically squealing in her seat, squirming with palpable excitement. Like master, like apprentice. Anon noted.

“So, without further ado…~” Twilight used the same magic to pull Spike into the room with them. Once he was right by her, she shoved the pen and paper into his claws, eliciting a groan from the reptilian. “Let’s get this underway!”

“Lovely.” Anon states flatly, rolling his eyes. He slumped into the beanbag, ignoring how incredibly comfortable it was.

“First things first, how similar to your world is the Crystal Mirror’s world?” Twilight asked. “From what you’ve mentioned at the meeting, they sound nothing alike, despite appearance.”

“Well, I’d say that’s accurate.” Anon answered. He had looked through the mirror the first day he had gotten there. Furthermore, Spike and Starlight, in the books they sent to him, talked a little bit about the other world beyond the mirror. “We share modern technology, architecture, and basic anatomy. But, my world isn’t nearly as colorful nor it’s denizens.”

“So, does everyone have your same pigmentation?” Twilight pointed toward Anon’s dark skin. Anon looked at it briefly to see what she meant. He then thought over his answer carefully.

“No, only some. You see, whereas that world’s skin pigmentation exists on the full color spectrum and is reminiscent of your ponies, the pigmentations on my world exist on a gradient from a cream color to a very dark brown.” Anon nodded to himself, feeling that that was a fair and accurate explanation. “Also, no one on my world has your particular naming convention, so I think that that human world is closer to your world than it is to mine.”

“Fascinating.” Twilight mutters as Spike scribbles the notes down. “Okay, next: does magic exist in your world?”

“Ha, I wish. We thought it did for the longest time but then we began to understand shit through the scientific method.” Twilight frowns in thought.

“We ponies also use the scientific method.” Twilight remarks. “In fact, I like to think of myself as a mare of science.” She stated proudly, flaring her wings and puffing out her chest. Anon raised a skeptical brow.

“You have magic and science?” Anon questioned. “How does that even work?”

“Well…” Twilight thought hard for the best way to explain it. “Science is the study of the nature and behaviour of natural things and the knowledge that we obtain about them. Magic is the capability to influence nature through mysterious means. So, we are able understand some aspects of the known world, but others are by their nature, unknowable. However, we can still learn this unknownable knowledge and use it for such things as teleportation and levitation.” Anon blinked.

“That’s bullshit but I believe it.” Anon state’s simply. “I mean, how else could you have a being capable of moving celestial bodies. That said, do you even have a solar system? Do other ponies control other stars and meteors and shit?”

“Now, now, Anonymous.” Twilight raises a hoof. “I will be the one asking the questions here.”

“Sounds an awful like you're avoiding my question.” Anon complained, before being promptly shushed.

“What was it like growing up? Did you have a family?” Twilight continues asking. Spike’s ear-fins, whatever they were, twitched. It seemed he was curious as well.

“Aight. I grew up luckier than most of my people, I guess.” Anon rubbed the back of his head. “I lived in a pretty affluent neighborhood in my city. Not the most affluent part, mind you. There’s a difference. I lived with my mom and brother. This was before I went off to school.”

“And by your people, you mean humans, correct?”

“Well, no. It’s complicated. You know how you ponies have earth, unicorn, and pegasi as races, but you’re all still ponies? Well, humans have it similar, only it’s based on our skin color and place of origin. It’s called ethnicity.” Anon squirmed in his chair, wishing he could explain literally anything else. “Although, it’s a lot more complicated than that.”

“How so?” Twilight pressed. Anon sighed, pulling his arms in to wrap around himself and take up less space in the room.

“Well, in our more recent history, certain...developments have left large majorities of people in different locations. For example, where I’m born and raised is not the same place my ancestors were born.”

“Hmmm. Could you tell me that history?” Twilight seemed intrigued.

“Maybe another time, Twilight.” For the first time, Twilight noticed the discomfort on Anon’s face. She silently kicked herself for not noticing earlier.

“Sorry. Let’s just go back to the whole “your people” thread. Do your “ethnicity” have a name.”

“Well, I’m specifically an African-American. Though, you don’t know what an ‘Africa’ or an ‘America’ is, so we also just go by black people.”

“Black people?” Twilight repeated, grimacing at how the term sounded. “That doesn’t sound right. At least, when I say it. It sounds almost...derogatory.” This reaction from Twilight caused Anon to chuckle.

“Oh, we’ve had worse names. Believe me, we’ve had worse names.” Spike writes this down.

“So, you’re saying ‘black people’ didn’t live in nice neighborhoods?” Twilight asked, returning to the original thread of questioning. “Why not? Do your kind have certain environmental needs that your home couldn’t fill?”

“No, most couldn’t afford it. My mom, bless her heart, went to school and got a degree that paid enough for us to move out the ho-, er, the bad parts of town.” Anon avoided using slang, for the sake of not having to explain anymore than was necessary.

“You also mentioned you were also going to school.” Twilight remembered. “What for?” Anon sighed in relief. Finally, on to a subject a little less heavy.

“Oh that? I was a English major, with a tract in creative writing.” Anon recalled. This cause Twilight to gasp, a twinkle in her big, bright eyes.

“So you’re a writer!?” She stood in her seat, leaning forward toward Anon. The only thing keeping her from falling off were her wings rapidly fluttering to keep her afloat.

“No!” Anon blurted. “Well, not yet. I was on track and I didn’t necessarily want to write books-“

“But you have written books, have you?” Twilight was now out of her chair, right in front Anon’s face, mere inches away. “You know, as per your curriculum? I’d be more than honored to read some of your work! I could even be an editor or a-“

“I haven’t written a book, Twilight!” Anon interrupted, leaning back into his chair. “At best, I’ve written short stories and poems. None of which were on me when I was transported across dimensions.” This caused Twilight to deflate as her excitement left as quickly as it came.

“Oh. Right.” She remarked. Anon shook his head. “Sorry. I have a passion for reading, as you can see.” She gestured to the enormous library around her. “I figured it’d be nice to read a book from an alien species.”

“I get it. I used to read a lot.” Anon relaxed in his beanbag, while Twilight continued to sit next to him. Spike walked to get closer to the two until they were all around the beanbag.

“Wait, used to?” Twilight questioned. Anon nodded.

“Yup. Read lots when I was young. Since then, I have never found any writing that appealed to me. It’s partly why I wanted to write.” As Anon was talking Twilight had already pulled a bunch of books from the shelves. One such book she held was Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone.

“If I may make a recommendation, The Daring Do series is an easy read and is my personal favorite series.” Anon picks up the book and looks at the cover.

“A.K. Yearling, huh?” He remarks, turning the book over. “Looks eerily similar to Indiana Jones. Why would you need adventure fiction if your life is basically constant adventure?”

“Oh, that’s not a fictional novel.” Twilight corrected, shaking her head. “A.K. Yearling is actually Daring Do, but shush. It’s a secret.”

“Of course.” Anon replied, no longer surprised anymore. He felt a tug on his shirt sleeve.

“You might also like Power Ponies!” Spike chimed in, waving a comic book in his face. Anon smiled as he took it.

“Huh, you even have comics.” Anon flipped through the pages. “This was actually what I went to school for. I was, and still am, a fuckin’ nerd.” Anonymous became aware that Spike and Twilight had rested on his beanbag chair with him. He felt a deep desire to push them off, but an even deeper desire to pet them. He settled on a compromise on just letting them be near him.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd!” The two said in unison. This got Anon to chuckle.

“It’s more of a diss to myself.” Anon switched back to the book and started flipping through it’s pages. Some words stood out, but there were sizable gaps in the text that Anon just couldn’t understand yet. Twilight noticed his troubled look.

“If it helps, I could read to you?” Twilight suggested warmly, anticipating resistance. She was right as Anonymous crossed his arms.

“I’m not a child, Twilight.” Anon argued. “If Freddy D can teach himself how to read, I can too.” He huffed, taking the book and studied the words with intensity. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t quell the rising heat in his cheeks. The words did not magically become clearer.

“I’m sure this ‘Freddy D’ recieved a little bit of help.” Twilight countered, softly tugging the book down to reveal Anon. He still held a glare, but he softened it after a while averting his eyes. Twilight got an idea. “Besides, I’m sure if we read a chapter, that would conclude our friendship lesson.” Upon hearing this, Anon’s face turned from embarrassment to consideration, placing a finger under his chin.

“Shit. I mean, if I can move this along then…” Anon shrugged. Twilight and Spike grinned as Anon settled in his sea, scooting over for Twilight. Spike sat upon Anon’s gut, looking up as the book levitated above them. Once everyone was set, Twilight cleared her throat and began narrating the adventures of Daring Do.

About 3 hours had passed since the book was first cracked open. Spike had fallen asleep, allowing Anon to hold the little dragon in one arm and absentmindedly stroke the spines on his head. Anon and Twilight had wrapped themselves in a blanket. The sun had long since fallen, leaving the only light in the library to the glow of a lantern. Anon let out a yawn, having had fought to keep his eyes open for a while. He had long since forgotten the pony that rested her head in his lap, sleepily reading word after word. Anon, with Spike cradled in one arm, was stroking Twilight’s mane with the other hand. Were he more alert, he probably would have come up with an excuse to stop, but the pony’s mane was so nice, so soft.

“I should probably get going.” Anon protested regardless, another yawn escaping him. At this rate, he figured, he’d probably fall asleep in the street.

“Noooo.” Twilight whined, yawning as well. “We still have 30 more pages. We can do this.” Her assurance was weak, but as she kept reading, Anon supposed that they could stay up just a little longer to finish the first book.

They didn’t even get past the page they were reading, as the duo joined Spike in a state of slumber. The library echoed with the sounds of snoring.

Conduct an interview with Twilight? ☑

Lesson 2: Visit the Spa with Rarity, Part 1

A carousel is still a stupid idea for a clothing store. Anon thought to himself, sitting on a red sofa among a group of mannequins. Or, ponnequins? White dolls in the shapes of horses. Anon was only here because Rarity had invited him and Spike insisted that they stop by. Sadly, the poor dragon was called upon by his violet guardian for chores involved reorganizing all the books in the library. However, he fervently promised that he would join the two later at his next lesson. The way Spike was talking, with a serious blush on his scales, made his intentions clear.

Poor lizard. It’s clear the boy was thirstin’ something fierce for this chick. Anon let his mind wander, as it normally did. He was the best person he knew to hold a conversation with. He knew the subjects, had the same opinion, and yet, he could argue with himself for hours and never get tired of it. Speaking of, are interspecies a thing here or is he shit outta luck?

Meanwhile, in the outer world, Rarity watched Anon with intrigue, only a few feet away and just outside his peripheral vision. If Anon had turned his head just slightly to his left, he would see the Snow White pony had sat down next to him, observing him with an artist’s eye. At least she was, until she began to notice the human’s humming. This wasn’t the humming of a song, however, as there wasn’t a rhythm or melody. The humming was irregular, as if he was attempting to talk with his mouth closed. It was most curious.

“Darling?” She spoke, finally, derailing the train and awakening Anonymous. He instinctively scooted away, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “Is there a reason for all that humming you seem to be doing?” Anon began scratching his neck from a burning itch. An itch that occurs under the most embarrasing of circumstances. Rarity was internally surprised by the reaction, never expecting it to be that big of a deal for him.

“Um, it’s a, uh, thing I do.” Anon explained hesitantly. “It’s a bad habit. I try not to do it in front of others.”

“That hardly answers my question of why you do it, dear.” Rarity pointed out with a warm, but cheeky smile. Why did these horses have to be so cute? It was getting harder and harder to be abrasive.

“Yeah, well, I’m...talking to myself.” He admits, crossing his arms and leaning into the sofa, denying its softness internally. “It just feels more natural to speak then think to myself, but if I talk out loud, then people would think I’m a schizo. So, I hum.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed, Anonymous.” Rarity assured with a wave of her hoof. “We all have our different ways of formulating our thoughts.”

“Uh huh.” Anon wanted the conversation over with. “So, uh, what have you been up to?” Anon asked, unsure of the question he asked. It felt weird to talk to someone like you knew them. Regardless, Rarity’s eyes lit up, as if he had asked her if she wanted a diamond ring or something equally as unobtainable. Well, unobtainable on Earth. There were probably diamonds under every rock here.

“Oh yes, I nearly forgot!” Rarity’s horn glowed as she spoke. “Since your last visit here, I have been designing a whole slew of outfits for you to wear. It was a refreshing experience, working with such a unique body type. I just have so many to show you and I even hope to showcase them in a few upcoming fashion shows!” Anon grimaced at the implication of the last sentence.

“You wouldn’t need me for that, would you?” Anon asked cautiously, bracing for the answer.

“Why, of course I would need you, Anon!” Rarity answered gleefully. “I need a model and you are the only human that could do it.”

“What about that parallel dimension? Or like, the other bipedal creatures in Equestria? I’ve heard they’re others.” Anon was beginning to regret changing topics.

“Humans that come through the Crystal Portal become ponies, or at least that’s how Twilight and Starlight explained it. Also, your bodily proportions are different from any known creature I am aware of.” Anon groaned like that rebellious teenager from that show or movie he was channeling and reclined deeper into the sofa.

“You ponies are killing me with this shit…” Anon said under his breath. Finally, a rack of clothes appeared before the two. Several sets of clothings, most pony fitting, hung from the hangers. Anon swung his legs off the sofa and stood, walking to the rack. Upon inspection, he began to frown.

Rarity pulled the first outfit off the hanger. It was a striking baby blue valet suit, with a white bow. Anon was getting “The Blue Boy” vibes from the outfit. “Is this that fucking suit Django wore?” Anon asked no one in particular.

“Was that a reference, darling?” Rarity cocked her head, not expecting such a comment.

“Uh, well, I don’t think...I’d wear this, to be perfectly honest.” Anon rubbed the back of his neck, worried that he might hurt the horse’s feelings. He was beginning to understand the latent power of ponies, being their tremendous ability to provoke pity from their prey. He seldom wanted to face that.

“You wouldn’t wear this all the time, Anon.” Rarity assured. “It would only be for formal and important events of the highest honor.”

“Uh huh.” Was all Anon could say, before waving off the ridiculous clothing. “Okay, what can I expect to wear with a little more regularity?” Rarity hangs up the suit and pulls out...another suit. This suit, however, was a black and white tuxedo with a red tie. Anon facepalmed.

“This one shall function as your daily attire. I have sewn about a dozen matching pairs, so there should be no issue with shortage.” Anon rubbed his temples before articulating his thoughts.

“Aight, Rarity, was it? This is kinda the thing we wear for those formal events you mentioned earlier, not the monstro-suit you showed me earlier.” Rarity raised an eyebrow.

“But darling, this is so plain!” Rarity complained.

“Yeah, we keep it plain where I’m from, not Victorian.” Anon pulled the suit out of the air and turned over, looking at it fully. “Moreover, who the hell wears a suit everyday? You ponies don’t even wear clothes with any regularity...to my chagrin.” Anon muttered that last part. He shivered at the thought of his first meeting with this particular little pony and the revelation that day doth brought.

“It merely...felt right.” She articulated. “Besides, I think you would look quite handsome in a suit.” Rarity teased. She was only met with the roll of Anon’s eyes.

Like this pony knew anything about human beauty. If an alien were to touch down on Earth, unless it looked ambiguously human or was from an established Sci-Fi alien, humans would kill the damn thing before ever remarking on its beauty. Goes to show that the ponies were disgustingly pleasant. How dare they. Anon, now having properly settled his burning cheeks, coughed into his hand to regain focus.

“Irrelevant. Did you make something that is more casual? Something I don’t have to get pressed for a grocery run?” Rarity tapped a hoof to her chin, looking back at the rack.

“Well, I suppose there is this.” Rarity pulled out another article of clothing. This was...a dress. Not a suit, but a dress. A yellow sundress to be exact, with pink floral patterns and spaghetti shoulder straps. The neckline hung quite low and the bottom of the dress would fall just below the knees. “I had Fluttershy over for a brainstorming session as to what to design for you. She had this in mind. Although you’re not a mare, you are my only human model. I even designed a matching hat!” Sure enough, Rarity floated over an oversized sun hat, with a brim so wide it would completely block out the sun where Anon stood under it.

Anon stood in silence, his chin resting in his hand and his elbow resting in his other hand. Rarity could see the evaluation in Anon’s eyes. She eagerly awaited what Anon had to say.

“Fuck this.” Anon dropped his arms and walked back to the sofa. Rarity’s gleeful expression fell like a sack of rocks, along with the sundress. Though she didn’t know what exactly Anon said, she could read by the tone that it was an expression of resignation. Anon picked up his phone from his sofa and began typing into it. Rarity trotted behind him.

“Anon, what seems to be the matter?” She asks, a little worried she had offended him. “Did you really not like any of my designs?” Anon looked down at her. One would expect a glare to be upon his face. Anon was known for giving those quite often, even over the slightest offense. However, Rarity was shocked to see something akin to a knowing smile, not quite smug, but not quite warm.

“It’s not your fault, Rarity.” Anon said finally. He fought the urge to give a pet because 1,) He still didn’t know if it was disrespectful or not and 2.) He was sure he was gonna be bitten for even touching a mane that maintained. “You being both white and a pony, you wouldn’t know the first thing about how I would dress.”

“These are for a show too!” Rarity defended. “Furthermore, I have studied the fashion trends that humans on the other side of the mirror wore as well. So, I do have a reference point.” Rarity walked over to a drawer, pulled out a book, and walked back. She flipped through all the pages for Anon to see. Sure enough, they were human, in a sense. Weirdly enough, these humans had discolored skin, appearing as every hue and shade but the ones that were normal. Hell, he even saw some people that looked like the 6 ponies he knew, along with other citizens in Ponyville. Anon put the idea of a parallel universe specific to this world on the back burner, as there were more pressing matters. He took the book and flipped through the pages himself.

“Yeah, I see your problem.” Anon turned the book pages toward Rarity to emphasize his point as he spoke. “Everything you ponies, and by extension, these humans wear are heavily exaggerated. Notice how the shoes are enormous and even the most basic outfits have something that visually pops out? These clothes make for good character designs for say...a fantasy world that doesn’t actually exist, but not for a human like me.” Rarity cocked her eyebrow at that last statement.

“Then what do they wear?”

“Well, yes, but it’s more like...uh…here, I’ll show you.” Anon bent over to show Rarity what was on his phone. He was scrolling through a photo album of his college. Well, his former college. “Take note of the relative simplicity in the clothes everyone wears. There’s no garish colors, no big bows or goofy glasses, nothing that you would see on a runway. Sure, we have our exceptions, but on average, we keep it simple.” Rarity took the phone from Anon’s grasp, levitating in front of her as she scrolled. “Watch it! There’s, uh, stuff on there!”

“I must say, these styles are quite nice in their own right.” Rarity sat on the sofa, now engrossed in the phone. Anon felt a tinge of familiarity, reminding him of the phone engrossed masses at home. He sat next to her, giving his commentary.

“Only celebs wear anything similar to what you guys wear. Their whole job is to stand out. The rest of the ‘peasantry’ wear clothes with a brand label to fit in. However, the more prestigious the brand, the more they feel like they stand out. Only they don’t because everyone else is trying to stand out too. Then, there's the counterculture who try to wear what’s not popular and it’s a whole mess.”

“Oh my, I can’t imagine what it would be like to make clothes in your world.”

“Oh, fashion designers like you wouldn’t exist, hun. You’d make all your big bold designs for a one off runway show, but no one would wear them. Hell, I don’t even know what they do afterwards. It’s, like, making a painting. One and done.”

“Really? That defeats the purpose of making such designs doesn’t it; to share with everypony”

“Yup. It’s why most people don’t care.” Rarity briefly frowned at that statement, only for it to be wiped moments later with further discovery.

“Anon, it is quite amazing the variety of clothing and styles that exist in your world!” Rarity’s eyes sparkled as she endlessly scrolled, never finding the same outfit twice.

“Yeah, people don’t buy a set of clothes that match. Instead, we mix and match according to what we like. Some want to wear tight leggings, some want leggings but also boots. Some want leggings but heels. A hoodie here, a yankee there, it’s all pieces we mix and match.”

“So, is the reason you dislike my clothing is because they were too bright and didn’t allow you freedom?” Rarity looked up to Anon with a little melancholy in her eyes. Anon sighed, giving in to the whims of his predator.

“It’s a little more complicated than that. The blue suit doesn’t work because that's Victorian fashion design.” Anon saw that Rarity was confused. “It’s old and no one wears that anymore. I’m surprised you ponies even have a similar fashion. The suit is a typical dress where I’m from but it’s far too formal and no one wears it daily. The dress...to put it bluntly, I aint fuckin’ with that.”

“Then what would you want to wear, dear?” Anon scratched at his neck, feeling put under a spotlight.

“Huh. Well, I guess I was always a hoodie guy. Something about them, nah mean?” There was that confused expression. “I meant, ‘you know what I mean’. Which, you wouldn't, which is fair. I’d also like a fitted once in a while, maybe a little design on the brim, I dunno. Oh, and new shoes! I’ve never been a sneakerhead, but these shoes are getting pretty worn, even for my tastes. I could also use some denim jeans, preferably dark grey, maybe a little ashy. Not to mention an assload of t-shirts and long sleeves and-“

“You’re awfully passionate about how you look for someone who likes to stay hidden,” Rarity interjected, catching Anon off guard. And shit, she was right. Anon never thought about clothes all that much, especially at this length.

“Well, you asked what I wanted!” Anon responded defensively. “I usually just buy clothes I like without a second thought. Human clothing is as convenient as it is a form of expression.”

“I was only teasing, Anonymous.” Rarity giggled. “I do quite enjoy it when you just...talk. No mean-spirited insults, no pessimistic commentary, and certainly none of that humming nonsense from earlier. You can be quite insightful and passionate when you simply talk.”

Now Anon was uncomfortable. He could feel the heat rising under his skin and his everything was itchy. Fucking horses and their earnestness. Anon broke eye contact and faced the door, ordering his legs to carry him from this eternal prison. But his legs didn’t move, the bastards.

“I do understand that you may still feel a little uncomfortable and out-of-place here,” Rarity continued to say. “but it does give me hope that you can speak to me as you do.”

“Don’t feel too special.” Anon grumbled, still looking away. A metaphorical lightbulb illuminated over Rarity for a brief instant.

“Anon, have you any artistic ability?” Anon casted a side eye to the mare.

“Why is that important?”

“Anonymous…”

“Well, indeed I might? Why?”

“Well, it seems that I could use some education on your world’s fashion sense. So, I’d like you to assist me in some of my designs.” Anon looked back in Rarity’s direction.

“Look, I can draw, but I don’t know the first thing about fashion.”

“Maybe not in technical terms nor in ability,” Rarity propped herself up on the couch and suddenly placed her hooves on Anon’s cheeks squishing them. “But I sense that you have vision! An artistic spark that burns deep within you that you refuse to show me!”

“Rarity, stop.” Anon mumbled out through squished cheeks.

“Why, with the two of us, we could truly make something new and profound. Modular clothing that is simple, yet stylish. Unassuming, yet avant- grade!”

“My face hurts…” With that, Rarity let go and jumped off the sofa, with renewed vigor.

“Come along, Anonymous! I’m feeling a second wind!” She starts trotting up the stairs, leaving her old designs at the bottom with a begrudging Anon.

“I didn’t even say yes!” Anon shouted after her. When he heard no response and instead the whirring of a sewing machine, he sighed. He stood up and began to follow her trail, before looking back at the older clothes. He picked up the tuxedo suit with the red tie once more, giving it his critical eye.

“Not in a million years.” He said under his breath, tossing it haphazardly behind him before continuing up the stairs.

Visit the Spa with Rarity? 𝤿 (Sidetracked)

Author's Note

This chapter was actually supposed to be a one-shot. However, the tone and nature of the story was too fitting for this particular story that I had to include it. So, damned fashion horse gets two chapters. I will rectify this in the future cause I love all my ponies equally. I'm sorry.

Lesson 2: Visit the Spa with Rarity, Part 2

Author's Note

Now with 100% more Spike! Cause everyone loves Spike, right? ...right?

How'd this horse get a bigger chapter outta me? Guess the sequel is always bigger, huh?

Lesson 2: Visit the Spa with Rarity, Part 2

After an hour of drafting and brainstorming, Spike finally came to Anon’s rescue. Rarity took the practice of brainstorming to a whole other level. She would ask for a second opinion, only to neglect it or she would send out a flurry of new ideas, only to scrap them later, only to revisit them even later. She could never settle on a conceptual design, preferring to keep her options opened to the whims of the wind. So, imagine Anon’s relief when he heard the bell above the door ring as Spike waddles in.

“Hey, Anon!” He called out, Anon already heading down the steps.

“Thank the God Almighty.” Anon remarked, putting a hand to his forehead. “I thought I would never make it out.” Rarity followed behind.

“Oh, hush.” Rarity wore a blue sunhat, tilting it to sit on her head just right. “You’re merely over-exaggerating.”

“I ain't the only one…” Anon mumbled. He picked up Spike and placed him on his shoulder, making sure to duck under the door.

“I will say, it’s awfully kind of you to invite me for a spa visit. I do wonder what is the occasion, if you don’t mind me asking?” Rarity looked over to the two. Anon and Spiked looked at each other for a brief moment, coming to a silent agreement.

“I’ve just been really sore and stressed lately, you know?” Anon lied through his teeth. He nudged Spike with his head.

“Oh, yeah. I recommended Anon to you since you visited the spa so frequently and knew a thing or two about relaxing!” Spike chimed in. The two fist bumped.

“Ah! Then you’ve come to the right pony, Anon.” Rarity promised. “I’ll have you positively glowing by the end of today!” In no time at all, they arrived at the spa.
“Just go on and take a seat over there, sweethearts.” Rarity pointed to a set of chairs. “I’ll make our appointments.” With that Rarity sashayed over to the counter. Anon looked up to the dragon on his shoulder, where he saw a particularly lovestruck reptilian watching the mare.

“Don’t go shooting off a red rocket on me, man.” Anon warned, pulling Spike off his shoulder and sitting him down next to him. Spike, however, still had his eyes glued on the pony. ANon watched him with curiosity. That question from earlier slowly crept back into the forefront of his mind. “Hey, Spike.”

“Yeah?” Spike asked dreamily. Anon gave a sly smile.

“Are you thinking of fucking Rarity?” This managed to snap the little dragon out of his stupor as he blushed a nice crimson. Anon, back in the Forest several months ago, had taught the little dragon a plethora of curse words and their meaning. Spike snapped at Anon, glaring at the smug human.

“A-Anonymous!” He said in a harsh whisper, not wanting to alert anyone in the spa, least of all Rarity. “I-I would never think of Rarity like that.” Anon held a hand to his mouth, failing to stifle his laughter.

“Shit, Spike. You ain’t got nothing to worry about.” Anon assured with a condescending pat on the little dragon’s head. “Even in a technicolor world like this one, boys will be boys. I just didn’t think a dragon would have such tastes.”

“I wasn’t thinking of having an, er, intimate moment with her.” Spike crossed his arms and looked away. “B-but I was thinking about her?” Anon could see the dragon’s tail was stiff as a wood board and couldn’t help but laugh out loud. This grew the curious gazes of all the ponies in the waiting room. Spike, in retaliation, used his tail to jab Anon in the side, hitting him in the kidney. Anon’s amusement was cut short by a brief period of pain.

“Ouch! Bastard.” Anon grunted, rubbing his side as Spike stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry. “On a more serious note, how would a relationship between you and her even work? Ain’t that taboo or somethin’?”

“Uh, I don’t know.” Spike scratched his cheek. “I never heard about a pony having a dragon for a somepony? But, I wouldn’t rule it out. I’m pretty mature for my age.” Spike bragged. Anon looked down, having come to realization.

“Spike, how old are you?” It dawned on Anon that he wasn’t sure how old of these ponies were, at least in relations to humans. Anon was almost scared to find out, considering those many words he had taught the dragon so long ago. “Actually, don’t answer that. I’m sure you’re very mature for your age. Moving on, what do you even see in Rarity that you don’t in literally any other pony?”
“Well, she’s just gorgeous!” Spike answered quickly, his expression quickly returning to that lovestruck gaze. “Just look at her, Anon! Look at the way her hair bounces, the way the light gets caught in her beautiful blue eyes. Just listen to her soft, yet affirming voice! Not to mention how she is so generous and driven!”

As Spike swooned over the mare, Anon watched and listened as instructed. Rarity had gotten engrossed in conversation with another mare with a blue coat and pink mane. Anon had to admit, there were places in which the mare almost looked womanly in places. The eyeshadow, the eyelashes, the hair, it was all something that was familiar in a very human way. Yet, much to his chagrin, to admit that she was genuinely attractive would say a lot about himself than he would not like to think about right now.

“She’s fine, I’ll give her that much.” Anon waved it off. Spike looked at Anon like he just pissed himself.

“Just fine?” Spike repeated, the word sickly on his tongue. “You must have some weird tastes.”

“Were I not internally debating the ethics of this conversation, I’d show you true beauty.” Anon clapped back. However, their discussion was cut short as Rarity walked back toward the excited duo. They sat, neither able to look at Rarity at the moment.

“Well boys, we have a lovely day ahead of us!” Rarity wore a great big smile, clearly proud of herself. “Hooficures, saunas, mud baths, body massages, the works!”

“Uh,” Anon grimaced. “That’s quite a lot. I thought we were just going to sit in a hot tub and be done with it?” Rarity laughed, waving a hoof.

“Come now, dear. I wouldn’t subject you to something so mundane. I want you to be absolutely glowing by the end of this. Besides,” Rarity looked Anon up and down. Despite his best efforts of washing himself in a tiny shower every few days, one could see that Anon was still rather musky and unkempt. “You could use a fair bit of treatment.” Anon lifted his arm, giving himself a smell before recoiling. He could see where the mare was coming from.

“Aight then.” Anon stood up, subconsciously fixing his clothes. “Lead the way, homegirl.”

“A curious title.” Rarity remarked to herself, leading the boys deeper into the spa. They reached what looked to be a changing room. Anon grumbled, having realized what this means. “You can undress yourself here. Don’t fret, darling. I managed to whip a robe for you before we left out.” She levitated a robe to Anon, relieving him just a little. Still, the idea of stripping down just didn’t sit right. He already felt out of place, his bare human skin and anatomical differences were only gonna make it more pronounced.

He reminded himself that he is among friends and stepped inside, ducking his head to avoid the door frame. In the dressing stall, he stripped down. As he stood in his underwear, he looked at himself in the small, pony sized mirror. He remembered once looking at the mirror and being impressed with himself. Now, he felt oddly self-conscious. He was still lanky and barely had an ounce of fat, scars from past blunders in the Everfree present. Now that some time had passed, he no longer felt like that cool survivalist he thought of himself as. That died with him on the day of the Storm King’s invasion.

“Hurry up, Anon!” Spike called through the door, snapping Anon out of his thoughts. He quickly wrapped the robe around himself, colored almost exactly as the mare that made it for him, and stepped out.

The first activity that awaited them was a facial treatment, to which Anon let out a childish giggle. When he was finished, he joined with the others. He sat awkwardly in a chair that was slightly smaller than himself, allowing his feet to rest flat on the floor. The spa ponies saw this and quickly brought over a cart to rest his legs on. +1 for customer satisfaction, I guess. Anon thought, closing his eyes and trying to relax. For a second, he was starting to feel a little calmer than a few minutes before. A pleasant song played throughout the spa and the atmosphere was equally nice. He didn’t feel judging eyes pierce him as he laid, which was a welcome absence.

This was interrupted by the sudden feeling of hooves pressing against his head. It wasn’t terribly uncomfortable, their hooves were surprisingly fluffy and malleable. However, that didn’t stop the awkwardness of his head being pushed around by what amounted to 2 fists with none of the dexterity of fingers. After a while of this, Anon softly grabbed the hooves and opened his eyes, eliciting a gasp from the pony.

“I got this.” Anon told the pony with a pink coat and blue mane that was remarkably similar to that pony by the counter. He let the pony go, letting her fall to her hooves, as he reached for the facial cream on a cart next to him. Anon then proceeded to do the facial massage himself, much to the disdain of Rarity and Spike.

“Anonymous, you do know that we are in a spa, don’t you?” Rarity asked rhetorically, peeking under a cucumber placed over one eye.

“Uh huh, but this something that’s just better if I do it myself.” Once Anon finished he took his two cucumbers slices and ate them in one bite. “Didn’t need those.” He explained, then grabbing a canister of water and pouring it on his face, washing the face cream off. This display has now gotten the attention of the entire establishment. Anon could feel those judging eyes again and looked around to confirm his suspicion. He coughed into his hand. “Uh, yeah. My B.”

The second activity on the agenda was the sauna, something Anon personally looked forward to. He had never been in a sauna before, as that was a luxury neither he nor his family could afford. He joined Spike in a small steam room designated for males. Not long after, the two were relaxing under the heat. Anon could already feel the sweat beads rolling off his body, but when he turned to Spike, Spike looked just about the same as he came in not 10 minutes ago. Spike noticed Anon watching him.

“Oh, this is nothing.” Spike bragged. “We dragons can acclimate to way higher temperatures than this.”

“And here I thought I wasn’t making the most out of my visit.” Anon stood, grabbing a bucket of water and tossing it on the hot coals. Steam bellowed into the airs, spreading throughout the room. He poured water from a spigot into a bucket and repeated the process. “If I’m sweating like a stuck pig, you are too, Mr. Cold Blooded.” Spike frowned.

“Are you sure?” Spike sat up, fidgeting with his claws. “I’m not sure how heat resistant humans can be.”

“Spike, my boy.” Anon responded, throwing more water on the coals. “Humans have lived by volcanoes and walked frozen tundras. We are a very adaptable species. Plus, my cousins would call me a bitch if I didn’t challenge a dragon in his own domain.”

“If you say so…” Spike wiped his own bead of sweat from his forehead. Satisfied, Anon sat back down, breathing heavily from having carried around a full bucket of water for a few minutes. Or, so he thought. The two sat there, now sharing the immense heat that filled the room. From the outside, one could see the steam leaking through the door. A full 5 minutes passed.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding, Anon.” Spike remarked, looking at the slightly dizzy human. “I can’t believe you’re still awake.”

“Y-yeah, Spike.” Anon said to the two dragons sitting next to him. “I f-fuckin’ told you sooo. I ain’t no pussy, Spike. We humans...are totally...capable…”

“Yup!” Spike happily replied. “You’re made of tougher stuff than I thought.” He teased, hoping to get a reaction from the human. Spike was surprised how long it took for Anon to come up with a reply. He was usually on top of this kind of stuff.

“Anon?” Spike asked again, looking over at the human. The human had slumped in his seat, unresponsive. Spike’s eyes widened. “ANON?!”

After a few minutes of rest and a couple bottles of water, Anon felt ready for the third activity: a full body massage. Anon laid on the table on his stomach, arms folded under his chin. Still a bit miffed with the sauna incident, he had hoped a good massage would take his mind off the increasingly less successful spa visit. Suddenly, he felt a light beating upon his back. It felt nice, though nothing to write home about, if he could write and had a home to write to. That seemed like a nice thing to study after this whole visit was done, writing. He could even refer to Twilight for assistance.

Anon frowned. That was the smart thing to do, that was obvious. However, after that reading session, Anon did feel just a little bit better about reading. Maybe that meant he could possibly do it on his own? No, that’s that stubborn pride talking. He was making friends, so he might as well get some use out of them. Not that he was only making friends with these ponies so that he could exploit them, of course. Or was he? He never did think about just who was paying for this spa visit in the first place. Although Anon came to Rarity with the suggestion, he didn’t have a dollar-er, a bit- to his name. So, not only was he being read bedtime stories by a princess, he was being treated to a spa visit by a pony woman. A successful white business pony woman at that! Not that race had anything to do with it, obviously. Nor gender! Ponies didn’t even have race, at least by coat color. It was just that...that…

Anon suddenly propped himself up with his arms, throwing off the spa pony on his back onto the floor. She let out a squeak as she hit the floor.

“I am not relaxed.” Anon declared with a stern expression. Rarity peeked over at Anon

“Well it’s no wonder why,” Rarity sighed, waving a hoof at her masseur to leave. She and the other spa ponies left, leaving the three to privacy. “What is the matter, Anonymous? You have been doing all you could to sabotage this visit.” Anon bit the inside of his cheek, feeling that same uncomfortable burning under his skin.

“Well, uh…” Anon found that to be a more difficult question to answer than he anticipated and it already seemed impossible. It wasn’t like he was actively trying to after all. First, it was a matter of discomfort. Then, a matter of hubris. Now, a matter of restlessness. It was always something with him. Still, that was just something he couldn’t admit, at least not out loud. He looked around, hoping to find an answer in the room. “I dunno. I guess the masseuses here aren't all they're cracked up to be?”

“Now, Anonymous.” Rarity shook her head. “These ponies are some of the best masseuses in Ponyville. You can’t expect me to believe that.”

“Ha!” Anon crossed his arms. “Sure. Despite the fact that you ponies don’t have digits like these.” Anon wiggled his fingers to emphasize his point.

“If you are insuitating that you can do a better job than a trained professional, I suggest you not insinuate that.” Rarity crossed her hooves in response. Spike watched the two, who had only a few seconds before had been friendly. Anon stood up, walking over to the white pony. The pony’s glare quickly changed to worry as the human drew near. “What do you think you’re doing!? You best not harm a head on my head.”

Anon ignored this, continuing to walk to the mare, sitting up on her table. Spike debated whether he should jump into action to save his beloved. However, that idea was shot down by Anon’s smug expression. He slowly reached out a hand towards Rarity, who leaned away from his hand, blushing profusely.

“I will not repeat myself, Anonymous!” She couldn’t lean any farther back, lest she fall off the table. Anon reached for the mare’s ear and lightly rubbed his thumb and index finger. This caused Rarity to let out a squeak of surprise and straighten her back completely. After a while, she began to relax, realizing Anon wasn’t going to do anything barbaric. “W-what are you doing? This doesn’t prove anything.”

“Correct.” Anon moved his hand to the back of her ear, lightly brushing his hand against her mane. Rarity yanked her head away.

“I urge you not to touch the-Ooh!” Anon snuck his other hand behind the other ear, scratching behind that instead. Rarity let out reluctant sounds of pleasure, as Anon began massaging the pads of his finger against her soft fur, down to the muscle. “O-okay. You made your point. Now, stop with this charade!”

Anon didn’t stop. He was actually beginning to enjoy this bit of teasing, partly because it was just as pleasant for him as it was for her. Petting her brought a sort of calmness that he hadn’t felt since last night with Spike and Twilight. Speaking of, Anon looked over at Spike. When he did, Spike quickly turned his head away from him, blushing profusely and pouting. Anon could imagine the jealousy Spike was feeling with him feeling up on the poor dragon’s waifu. A thought steadily formed in his head and as it did, so too did a smile.

“Aight then.” Anon said, taking his hand away. Rarity almost looked surprised that he listened. Anon turned to Spike. “Yo, Spike. Imma need you to tag in.” Spike looked up, first in disbelief, then in excitement as he hopped his table and rushed to join Anon. He stood on Rarity’s opposite side. The mare looked estra worried. “Now, follow my movements and be careful with the claws.”

Anon slowly began rubbing Rarity’s ear again, with Spike doing the same with the other ear. Once Spike got the hang of that, Anon moved down to Rarity’s neck, causing her to jump. However, her complaining was replaced with a soft and measured breathing, with the occasional moan. The first time it happened, it caught everyone off guard. Anon silently assured Spike that they weren’t doing anything sexual...yet. It was in his best interest to not let it go that far. Rarity sleepily laid back against the table on her stomach.

“Alright.” She finally said, sighing in relief. “Since you two are so insistent, I guess you two can play masseuse. It is quite nice.” Given the okay, Anon took the time to teach Spike the ropes. Not that Anon had any expertise beyond having pet other animals before, but that's besides the point.

“You see, Spike, Anon began to lecture. “What you wanna do is feel around for any muscles and knead them like dough.”

“I’ve kneaded dough before, Anon.” Spike rolled his eyes.

“Then this should come easy, smartass.”

As the two bickered, Rarity hummed a tune to herself. She had to admit, she hadn’t expected Anon and Spike to be the ones giving her a massage. Yet, she couldn’t deny, the dexterity of human hands and even dragon claws were able to do things that hooves just couldn’t do. She made a mental note to ask Spike to do this for her at a later date, during one of her many work sessions. All the while, Anon and Spike worked along Rarity’s body, from the hooves to the scalp.

At some point, the other spa ponies had entered the room once again, watching as the two worked. Anon even found a brush and was brushing the mare’s white coat, chatting with Spike over Power Ponies and other comics. Spike noticed the other spa ponies watching them and nudged Anon to get his attention. Anon looked back and froze, feeling that he was overstepping his boundaries.

“Ah shit.” Anon mumbled, before clearing his throat. “Uh, sorry, girls. I didn’t mean to take over your business. I just wanted to make a point and got carried away and-”

“Oh, no no. It’s quite alright.” Said the pink pony from earlier. She spoke in an accent that could only be described as vaguely foreign. “Actually, we were wondering if after you were done with that mare, you could maybe do us next?” She asked, a little unsure of the request herself. “We hardly ever get to feel it ourselves and we’ve been so busy, right girls?” The other spa ponies all nodded feverishly.

Anonymous and Spike looked at each other, both flabbergasted at what they just heard. Anon figured that, were these human women, he’d feel like the luckiest motherfucker in the multiverse right now. Unfortunately, they were only ponies, so it wasn’t like he could expect any action. But, hey! They were cute ponies. That, and Spike would probably hate him forever and a half if he denied them.

“Alright then, ladies!” Anon answered, a pleasant smile on his face. “Form a line. I’m willing to do head and shoulders, but that’s all I do for free!”

Visit the Spa with Rarity? ☑ (With nonsexual benefits!)

Lesson 3: Have Tea with Fluttershy

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Lesson 4: Get Physical with Rainbow Dash

Anon scratched his head at the curious wording of the lesson. Get Physical? Anon pondered. Getting physical has plenty of connotations, none of which was very appealing. Still, it was on the list and at very least he can choose to interpret the directions as playing a game of fetch and going home. That was, if he could locate the pony.

Anon had spent about 5 minutes jogging across Ponyville, following the rainbow trails Rainbow left behind. Whenever he would reach the destination, however, she would then fly off in another direction. All the while, she was unaware that Anon had been attempting to get her attention. Not that he made much of an effort. He refused to raise his voice beyond a shout, already not wanting to bring anymore attention to himself than he had to. Undoubtedly, Celestia’s going to challenge him to join a social event, but that time is not now.

After jogging back and forth between landmark to landmark, Anon became winded. More often than he wanted, he had to stop to allow for the burning sensation in his legs. Even in the Everfree, he was more a hermit laying traps than an active hunter chasing prey. So all this physical exertion was a bit much for him. Anon managed to follow Rainbow into a field before collapsing by a tree. The sun was out in full force, bearing down hard on Anonymous’s skin. He crawled under the shade of the tree, granting himself a brief reprieve.

“The least she could do was turn down the brightness…” Anon grumbled laying his back against the tree. He wiped the sweat from his brow and gazed off into the distance. He allowed himself to admire the vista of distant mountains and lush green fields. It wasn’t often he took this time to appreciate nature, but Equestria sure made it easier. Much like everything else, it was idyllic. Anon’s concentration was broken by the rustling of the leaves in the tree. He looked up to see a certain blue, rainbow-headed pony staring back down at him.

“Anon?” She asked. “What are you doing all the way out here?” Anon let out a long sigh.

“Guess I’m just taking in the view.” Anon lied, looking back at the view ahead. All the energy to engage with horses today fell out of him during the chase. However, Rainbow clearly wanted attention as she hovered in front of his view.

“Taking in the view, huh?” She places a hoof to her chin, plotting something. “Well then, how about I offer you a show?”

Things a permavirgin wishes to hear from their waifu. Anon thought with a smirk, followed by a frown. Who am I kidding, I want to hear that from my waifu!

“A show?” Anon raised an eyebrow, curious to what Rainbow could possibly offer.

“Yup. You see, I’m something of a celebrity around here.” Rainbow shined her hoof on her chest, then admired it as one with an ego would.

“Yeah, I recall. You were a...Thundercolt, right?”

“Wonderbolt!” Rainbow corrected. “I am a Wonderbolt. The Wonderbolts are some of the greatest flyers in all of Equestria. We perform shows and take on important missions all over. I’m something of a star amongst them.”

“Say, does your neck get sore from carrying that swelled head of yours when you fly?”

“Well actually-” Rainbow stopped herself when she fully realized the question. She glared at Anon. “I see you didn’t change all that much since we first met.”

Anon opened his mouth, no doubt ready to engage in more shittalking. However, he hesitated, thinking back to their first meeting. Anon remembered Rainbow running into him at high speed and antagonizing her as a result. It wasn’t the best first impression, not by a longshot. Then, he remembered Celestia’s list. He was supposed to be making friends, not enemies.

“I hoped I did.” Anon answered honestly. This caught Rainbow off guard, as she expected a retort, not an admission. “I guess I’m still working on that change.” Rainbow’s mouth hung, trying to think of what to say to that.

“You should.” She finally said, nodding in agreement. She rubbed her neck. “But, I guess I am bragging just a little.”

“A little?” Anon couldn’t stop himself from saying that much. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“Alright, a little more than a little.” Rainbow relented. “Look, do you wanna see me fly or not?” Anon thought about it, figuring that was the show she was talking about.

“Aight. I wasn’t really gonna say no in the first place.” Anon shrugged. Rainbow nodded.

“Good.” She lands next to Anon and gets into a ready position. Anon glanced at her curiously. “Keep your eyes open, skinny. If you blink, you’ll miss it!” Anon kept his silence on the skinny comment.

“Um, shouldn’t you get a running start?” Anon asked. At least that’s what he would've said, had Rainbow not taken off suddenly on the first word. She took off with so much force that Anon's back slammed and then leaned with the tree as both recoiled.

The trail of her rainbow took flight far into the sky. Rainbow went straight up into the sky. After several seconds, she was merely a dot in the sky. After several more seconds, Anon watched as Rainbow fell back to the ground. A part of him was worried, as he was pretty sure that nothing could save her from falling at terminal velocity, no matter how good of a flier she was. Anon kept his eyes glued, as requested, as Rainbow fell closer and closer to the ground. Just when it looked like she was going to become a stain on the field, a sudden explosion of color filled the sky ahead. Anon felt the blowback a second later, his jaw gaping.

Did she just break the damn color barrier?! The question didn’t make sense, but it was the only thing he could find himself asking. Meanwhile, Rainbow had since flown back into the sky. She made sharp turns, did loop-de-loops, and practiced various other maneuvers. After a few minutes, she flew back to Anon, stopping on a dime. Somehow, she managed to create a trail of water behind her, so that when she stopped, a rainbow formed behind her.

“So,” Rainbow Dash exhaled after catching her breath. “How was that?”

“I’ll admit, that was dope.” Anon admitted, failing to hide a smile. “You were on some Blue Angels shit.”

“Blue Angels?” Rainbow stretched herself as they talked. “Who are they?”

“Think of them as the human equivalent of your Wonderbolts.”

“Wait, humans can fly?” She hovered around Anon. “Where are your wings?”

“No, we don’t fly. We made machines that fly and we ride them. They're called airplanes. They're like those airships, but way smaller.”

“Hah!” Rainbow scoffed. “I doubt they’re as fast as a pegasus.”

“Well, at the end of the day, they’re giant metal tubes being propelled at the speed of sound. You gotta give us some credit.”

“Have you ever flown in an airplane?” Rainbow was properly sitting now, engaged in the seemingly absurdist idea of non winged creatures flying.

“I’ve flown in commercial planes, which are like public transport in the air. They’re fast, but I’m talking about things like jets and shit. Never been on one of those.” This gives Rainbow an idea, springing her to her hooves.

“Hey, you could ride me!” Anon would’ve done a spit take had he a drink on hand. Instead he blew a raspberry. “Ahem. Might want to clarify that a little?”

“I’m saying that I can give you a ride!” Rainbow Dash pranced in place, reinvigorated by the prospect of a challenge. “You know, give you a view of Equestria from a pegasus eye view.”

“Rainbow, that’s fine and all, but your…little.” Anon shrugged, to which Rainbow glared.

“What do you mean I’m “little”?” Rainbow sneered. Anon attempted to stand, only to find his legs were still sore and had now fallen asleep. Anon quickly gave up.

“Just sitting here, I’m at eye level with you. If I were to stand, you’d be at my gut. By relation to me, you’re little.”

“Yeah, but you’re doubting how strong I am as well.” She flexed her arms to prove that fact.

“You, don’t have to remind me…” Anon unconsciously cradled his arm protectively.

“Well, come on!” Rainbow lightly bit Anon’s shirt sleeve and helped pull him to his still throbbing feet.

“Shouldn’t we have a saddle for this?”

“Why would we need a saddle? Those are a fashion accessory and that’s more Rarity’s thing.”
“Uh,” Anon briefly struggled to find a reason. “Well, I don’t assume sitting on your back is terribly comfortable. Also, my balls would hurt.”

“Your...balls?” Rainbow repeated. Anon shrugged.

“You know, my equipment? My package? The family jewels? Deez nuts?” Rainbow blinked. “My testicles, Dash.”

“Do you humans always give your body parts weird nicknames?” Rainbow asked.

“Rainbow, men in general give body parts weird nicknames.” Anon threw one leg over Rainbow and cautiously sat down. He noted the limited room for him to sit, what with the wings protruding from her sides and the small distance between her hindquarters and the back of her neck. It was a tight fit, all things considered. Anon still hadn’t put all of his weight on Rainbow, in fear of breaking her back. She took notice of this and glared out of the corner of her eye.

“You’re still going easy on me, aren’t you?” Rainbow pouted. Anon shrugged with a grin.

“It means I care.” Anon suggested with faux sincerity. Rainbow huffed and pawed at the ground with her hooves, readying for take off. Anon’s eyes widened. “Hol’ up, hol’ up, ho-!” Anon started, but it was too late. Rainbow took off with a grunt, almost immediately falling out of the air from the sudden weight.

“Gaah! You’re heavier than you look, scrawny!” Rainbow shouted. Anon leaned forward and held tightly to Rainbow’s neck. They two were already several stories in the air, a long enough fall to paralyze Anon if he were to drop. Rainbow wobbled in the air, attempting to balance his weight.

“Shit, god damn!” Anon hollered, fighting every urge to squirm or tighten his grip further, lest he hastens his death. “You got me fucked up, Dash! All the way fucked up!”

“Quit being a baby.” Rainbow flapped her wings steadily, keeping themselves hovered in the air. “Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of it.”

“By all known laws of aviation, there is no way a horse should be able to fly.” Anon spoke softly to himself, closing his eyes tightly. Given that he was right by Rainbow’s ear, she could still hear him clearly. “It’s wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The horse, of course, flies anyway.” Rainbow rolled her eyes at Anon’s comments and began flying forward.

“For someone who lived in the Everfree, you’re not all that brave or adventurous.” Rainbow teased. She could feel Anon growl against her neck.

“I fought an ape 1v1, hussy.” Anon asserted. “I’m as brave as I need to be, when I want to be. Furthermore, being brave is an easy way to get yourself killed.”

“Didn’t you just brag about how you fought an ape?”

“Yeah, and I almost got my ass killed. Both of what I said is valid.” Anon cracked an eye open, looking down on the ground. He saw as the land beneath them scrolled by. Anon tried to imagine that he was looking out of an airplane, the closest thing that he could think of that was similar to the sensation of riding a flying pony. His eye began to water, so he hesitantly removed one arm to wipe it.

“Getting comfortable?” Rainbow continued teasing and Anon just knew she had the biggest shit eating grin.

“Don’t even think about going faster than this or I’ll kamikaze.”

“Kamikaze?”

“It won’t end well for either of us.” Rainbow couldn’t help but laugh at the threat, causing Anon to sigh helplessly. On the bright side, this reservedness had done well to ease Anon’s nerves. Though every muscle in his body still remained tight, he at least wasn’t internally panicking as much.

After a few minutes of steady flight, Rainbow had grown accustomed to the monkey on her back. In all honesty, she wasn’t sure if she could do it at all, but the challenge was too awesome to pass up. Now, she could say to anyone that not only was she the fastest pony, she might as well be the strongest. However, these thoughts were interrupted by a sudden scratching sensation along her neck.

“Uh, Anon?” She asked, breaking the silence. “What are you doing?”

“Force of habit.” Anon deadpanned, continuing to massage her neck. Rainbow wasn;t complaining, it felt nice and helped with bearing the human against it. She continued flying as normal for a moment, before noticing her eyes growing heavy. Rainbow let out a yawn, figuring that she should stop flying before...she…

Anon too was beginning to feel sleepy. Something about the moment had finally calmed him. Maybe it was the soft beating of the pony’s heart, the whistling of the wind, or possibly the land rolling beneath him. However, this changed suddenly when it began to feel like the ground was suddenly getting closer, fast. Anon felt his gut suspended in mid-air as Rainbow had fully submitted to the petting, falling out of the sky. Anon frantically slapped the side of her face.

“Dash! DASH!” Anon yelled, holding onto the mare tighter. Rainbow opened her eyes, just in time to scream along with Anon as they fell towards the lake below. She tried to pull up and avoid the depths, but it was a moment too late. The two cannonballed into the water, splashing the water high into the air. After a few moments, the duo breached the surface with Anon taking a dramatic breath of air. Rainbow looked around, hoping no one had seen them crash land. Luckily, there wasn’t a pony in sight. To this she started to laugh nervously. Anon scowled at her, only to eventually succumb to laughter as well.

“Whew! That was a close one, huh?” Rainbow wiped liquid from her eye, not knowing if it were tears or water.

“Damn straight.” Anon agreed. “I don’t think your hospital is hospitable enough to admit me for free a third time.” Rainbow looked down into the water.

“Uh, why are you still holding me?” Rainbow asked. Anon looked away ashamedly.

“I can’t swim…” Anon grumbled. Rainbow let out a mocking laugh, before stopping as Anon didn’t join in.

“I-It’s no big deal.” Rainbow stammered quickly. “I’ll carry us to land, easy.”

“Oh, don’t start getting soft on me now. I’m not that much of a sensitive bitch.” Anon protested. “But, yeah. Take us to land.”

With that, Rainbow paddled back to the beach of the lake, Anonymous in tow. The two laid for the while, now even more tired after the harrowing event. Still, the sand was an uncomfortable place to rest, so Anon was the first to stand up. He had begun walking away, hoping to find a place to sleep, before he was interrupted by a fake cough. He looked back down to the blue pegasus, staring back up at him with a hoof to her chin.

“What? Suddenly your legs don’t work?” Anon quipped, having a feeling about where this is gonna go.

“I let you ride on my back, so…” Rainbow hung on the word, looking up hopefully. Anon’s arms drooped.

“Are you serious?” Anon deadpanned.

“Come on!” She protested. “I’ve been flying all day and we’re friends now, so it’s the least you can do.” She folded her forelegs and pouted. Anon could feel his heart seize in his chest at the gesture. These ponies, man. Anon groaned in defeat, squatting down and gesturing for Rainbow to hop on. Rainbow sprung up and latched on tightly, wrapping her hooves around Anon’s shoulders. To his surprise, the pegasus was pretty light for her size, no heavier than his college backpack.

“There. We even?” Anon said over his shoulder, holding Rainbow’s legs under his arms.

“Not until you carry me back to Ponyville.” Rainbow rested her chin on the top of Anon’s head, much like he had done to her. “Then we’ll be Even Steven.”

“How does someone named Rainbow Dash with friends with names like Pinkie Pie know anyone named Steven?” The two walked off as they became engaged in a discussion of pony naming conventions.

Get Physical with Rainbow Dash? ☑

Author's Note

Finally. Now I can write about the best pones from here on out. I'm not sorry.

Lesson...Uh: Deal with Diamond Tiara?

Author's Note

This chapter began as a joke because I said I’d be writing about best ponies after the last one. Then, my dumbass decided to take the story farther than I needed to. So, shit, I’m sorry.

Lesson...Uh: Deal with Diamond Tiara?

“Uh, are you sure about this, Teach?” Anon asks worriedly, looking through the door of the schoolhouse. He saw a bunch of the colts and fillies inside stare back at him with burning curiosity and anticipation. Ms. Cheerilee giggles into a hoof.

“It’s quite alright, Anonymous.” She assured the man. “They won’t bite, I promise. I just thought, what with your sudden appearance and the construction of the School of Friendship, introducing my students to new species and creatures is a growing necessity to ensure that Ponyville is as welcoming to all!” She beamed brightly, slowly melting away Anon’s hesitation.

Although this wasn’t on Anon’s list of Celestia’s tasks for him, this could be seen as extra credit, whatever that nets him. Besides, the CMC seemed pleased to see him and that’s worth something. He stepped inside, awkwardly waving at the classroom with a false smile. The class erupted in noisy gossip, much to Anon’s dismay. He was still somewhat of a walking anomaly.

“Attention, everypony.” Cheerilee cleared her throat, the class slowly quieting down. “Since you all have well-behaved and took to the lesson well, I’ve decided to end class early and bring a special visitor to interact with you all. Please, treat Anonymous with the same respect and kindness you show me.”

“Isn’t he the creature from the Everfree that set Ponyville on fire?” A filly asked amongst the class. Anon’s head swiveled up, caught off guard by the question. He looked up to see a bored pink filly with a diamond tiara on her head. It was strange, seeing a strangely bougie pony sitting amongst common ponies. Anon figured there was a story about that.

“Diamond Tiara!” Cheerilee warned. Anon silently chuckled at the filly's name, hiding his grin behind a hand.

“What did I do?” Diamond whined. “It’s a fair question to ask. Our house was nearly burned down by him.” Anon stopped chuckling after hearing that. For some reason, he hadn’t actually thought about the collateral damage of the invasion and how that would affect anyone, children least of all. Since then, the ponies kind of just went about their day, so he assumed it was sort of normal. He prepped to speak up, until Applebloom shot up to speak.

“He saved Ponyville, Tiara!” Applebloom argued.

“Yeah!” Agreed Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

“Plus,” Scootaloo added. “The fireworks idea was pretty awesome.”

Once again, the class erupted into noise and Cheerilee was calling for order. Anon, thoroughly regretting coming here for a number of reasons, slouched against the door and slowly slinked out until he was just outside the schoolhouse. Anon took out his phone, checking it’s battery life.

“It’s amazing how useless this is without the Internet.” Anon remarked. Other than music, all that worked on the phone was the camera, flashlight, calculator, and anything that was downloaded prior to getting stranded in an alien world. He briefly contemplated going to that alternate dimension that was behind the portal, only to remember that he can’t pass through it. “Damn, can’t have shit in Equestria.” He said aloud.

“What’s a shit?” Said a familiar squeaky voice. Anon jumped, having failed to notice the students exiting the door next to him. He really had to stop zoning out in public.

“Nothing you should repeat.” Anon pocketed his phone, remembering he was supposed to be engaging with the students. “But, if you must know, it’s a human word for crap.”

“What’s a crap?” Said a dopey looking colt, with a snail for an ass tattoo.

“Poop. It’s poop.” Anon shook his head, mainly at himself. “Look, let’s not start off with me teaching you bad words, okay?”

“But why would you want poop in the first place?” Another colt asked, this one small and pudgy, with scissors as his cutie mark. “Is that something other alien’s do? Take other ponies poop?”

“No, no, no!” Anon waved his hands, as if to swat away the notion. “It’s a form of expression. When I say ‘shit’, I don’t mean poop. That’s just one of its meanings. I’m referring to things in general. Like, stuff.”

“What other alien expressions do you have?” Asked another colt. Anon sighed to himself.

“Well, we have a lot, but they’re adult words meant for human adults and not little ponies.” There was a range of “Aw”s in the small crowd of children. Anon should’ve figured, every kid wants to be grown up. “Imma keep it real with you all: I am NOT the best representative of my species. Hell, I sometimes don’t even feel like I’m really a part of them sometimes.” A filly raised a hoof. “Yes?”

“What’s a Hell?” She asked, to which Anon answered with a facepalm. Note to self: Never have kids.

Nothing of note, really happened that day. Sure, Anonymous taught them a little about the human education system but since his audience were children who wouldn’t be able to grasp the nuance discussion of standardized testing, along with the limits they impose on students, teacher shortages and how that hurts the educational system of an entire nation, he couldn’t really say anything worth saying. ‘Human school was like pony school, but with humans’ is what his lecture boiled down to. In fact, most of the talking was from the CMC, bragging about how they went on an adventure with him and how well they knew him, despite really knowing. It was typical kid stuff, attempting to impress your peers with anything you can.

Soon, Anon was merely among the fillies and colts, like a chaperone on a field trip. It was kinda what he wanted. At least he was no longer something to stare at and was now something that could be ignored. Guess in a land of mythical creatures, it takes more than being biped and oddly proportioned to hold a child’s attention. Anon stood up and, rather than saying his goodbyes, justified it to himself to just slowly leave the children to spend the day as they saw fit. He tucked his hands in his pocket and sighed.

“Well, that was a bust.” Anonymous spoke softly to himself, turning on his heels and preparing to leave the schoolhouse. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that pink filly from earlier, swinging alone on the swing set. He was reminded of her outburst and grimaced. He felt that he owed an apology at least. He walked over to the pony, while also attempting to hide the fact that he was heading in her direction. As one would have guessed, it didn’t work as Diamond Tiara saw Anon approach. She glared before looking away, swinging harder on the swing set. Anon dropped the act and rested against the bars. They both shared in the silence, periodically interrupted by the squeaking of the chains.

“What do you want?” Diamond finally asked, hoping that the human’s answer was brief.

“Oh, you know,” Anon scratched at his neck. “Figured I’d give the swing set a go, but uh…” He lightly pushed one of the swings with his foot. “...it’s a little too small.”

“Maybe you should go find another swing set.” Diamond Tiara didn’t so much as open her eyes to address Anonymous, holding her head high as she swung back and forth. Anon rubbed his temples as he let out another sigh. Why do I suck at this shit, man?

“Aight, look.” Anon hoped speaking more casually would help this end quicker. “I’m sorry about whatever happened, okay? I thought I was being all badass and shit, and I took it too far. It didn’t mean to put you and your family at risk. They aren’t hurt, are they?” Anonymous was almost scared to ask that question. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea that he was actively putting ponies in harm's way by playing hero, but if he was going to make amends, it was best to ask.

Diamond dragged her hooves on the ground, slowing her momentum to the point where she was only swinging lightly. She looked away, a frown plastered on her face. Anon got the feeling that a lot more was going on, but Diamond kept looking away from him. After a pause, she sighed, joining the melancholic mood of the day.

“No.” She finally answered. “But don’t think that doesn’t mean you didn’t mess everything up!” She snapped at Anon, causing him to flinch. Suspicion confirmed.

“What exactly did I mess up?” Anon braced himself for another snap. It was if he had unwittingly walked into the middle of a minefield and now had to find his way back.

“Why should I tell you?” She turned her nose up at him again, continuing to refuse eye contact. Anon was getting slightly annoyed at this constant avoidance.

“I can’t exactly learn my lesson and not fuck up in the future if I don’t know what I did wrong.” Anon crossed his arms, asserting himself a little more. “Surely you were taught this? To open up about what’s on your mind so that trouble can be avoided in the future? You ponies are all about conflict resolution, right? Then let’s resolve the conflict!”

Diamond Tiara’s head fell again, now dangling limply towards the floor. Anon slowly facepalmed himself once more. Nice job. Now you made her feel worse. You should be a school counselor. Anonymous joined Diamond Tiara on the swing set, trying his best to ignore the creaking of the chains and bar as he sat. It was a tight fit, but the swing set held. He looked at the filly, so small and vulnerable, and couldn’t help but feel a deep pit of pity well in his gut. It was like a sad puppy, but only the sad puppy was also a sad child, doubling the amount of both sad and cute. It was a horrible feeling.

“You’re name’s Diamond Tiara, right?” Anon recalled from earlier. The filly didn’t answer, so he continued. “Look, I’m not the best at talking to people. Or, ponies. Least of young fillies like yourself.” Anon took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts. “I’m just...trying to be better, you know? Be a better talker and be a better listener. You don’t have to tell me. Hell, you probably shouldn’t because I’m a stranger and you don’t know me. But, I come from a complicated world and that world taught me that sometimes you gotta just air out your grievances.” This made the filly finally turn to look at Anon out of the corner of her eye. Anon gave a disarming smile, which only came off as nervous and unsure. Diamond looked ahead, towards the direction of Ponyville.

“Uh, well,” Diamond Tiara started, just as nervous as Anonymous. “After the invasion, mother wanted to move out of Ponyville. She said it was “too chaotic” and “not worth the trouble”. But, daddy wanted to stay because this was always his home. It’s been...quiet at home.” For as little as she said, Anonymous got the idea really quick. He nodded.

“I take it you don’t want to move?” Anon asked.

“Of course not!” Diamond Tiara protested. “I’ve just started actually making friends here. Sure, I haven’t been the nicest pony around, but I finally feel like I belong. Now, she wants to move away! She always wanted to move away! It’s not fair!” Diamond Tiara kicked at the dirt, with a grunt.

“And so, when the invasion started and I caused a little chaos, that only strengthened her argument?” Anon added, fitting together the puzzle pieces.

“Yeah…” Diamond Tiara sighed, no longer entirely sure. “Maybe...maybe it’s not your fault, per say.”

“Honey, if you need anyone to assign blame onto, I’m your man.” Diamond Tiara looked at Anon curiously. “What I mean to say is that I’m willing to take responsibility for whatever drove your mom to her decision.” Diamond huffed.

“You don’t have to do that. Mother is always looking for a reason to move out and go to Canterlot. She never-“

“Shuts up about it?” Anon finished. “Any minor inconvenience is a reason to bring up the same request, no matter how much your dad and you want to stay?”

“Well, yeah.” Diamond looks up at Anon. “How did you know?”

“Call it human intuition.” Anon replied, looking back at her with a grin. “Like I said, I come from a complicated world. Problems like these are a dime a dozen.”

“She always thinks she’s better than everypony.” Diamond Tiara continued. “She’ll always bring up how we’re supposed to be “winners” if we’re going to maintain our reputation. Even though all she does is go to the spa and complain whenever daddy doesn’t buy her what she wants.”

“Sounds like a bitch.” Anon stated flatly.

“What’s a bitch?” Diamond asked. Anon somberly shook his head, cursing his potty mouth.

“A bitch is a lot of things.” Anon answered, giving up completely. “In this case, a bitch is an unpleasant person that you don’t want to be around.”

“Yeah, she is a bitch.” She looked away, smiling to herself. The word felt good to say, cathartic even.

“Hey, don’t go around repeating that!” Anon pointed at the filly accusingly. “That’s a real quick way to get us both in trouble. Lord knows I don’t need that.”

“Then why do you keep saying words like that?”

“I said I’m trying to be a better person. I ain’t one yet, so I’m bound to keep slipping up.”

“I know what that’s like.” Diamond kicked off lightly, swinging a little more. “I still don’t know what to do about mother. She might actually convince daddy that we should leave.” Anon pondered this. He knew it wasn’t his place to go giving advice, but he didn’t want to leave her like this.

“Well, you got a good relationship with your dad, don’t you?”

“Yeah?” She looked back curiously.

“Then talk with him. Sounds like you’re both on the same page and you both want to stay. Can’t let a bit-, uh, an unpleasant woman, dictate where you can and cannot live just cause what she wants. A family is a unit. All parts gotta be in agreement.”

“You sound like Applebloom.” Diamond Tiara remarked.

“Then she knows what’s up.” Anon gave the swing a try. “I mean, like, I wish my family was half as close as-“ The chain had finally had enough of Anon’s shit and snapped from the bar during the upward swinging. Anon landed squarely on his ass, causing him to shout in pain. Diamond Tiara gasped, hopping off her swing to stand by Anon.

“Are you okay?” She asked, moving a hoof to help him up. Anon brushed it away as he sat up.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Wasn’t like I was launched high in the air or something.” He crossed his leg and rested his body weight on his arms. “Point is, just like how you can confide in a total stranger, you can confide in daddy dearest. Hell, I’m sure he’s better suited that I am, that’s for damn sure.”

“Not by much.” Diamond Tiara admitted, sitting right next to Anon. “I guess...thanks. For listening to me.” She looked away bashfully. Anon smiled, reminded about how cute these ponies can be. He couldn’t help but give her just a tiny ear scratch. Diamond Tiara ears twitched for a second, before she was taken away into bliss like all the ponies before her.

“No sweat, kid.” Anon accidentally knocked a finger against the tiara on her head. “Say, what’s with the tiara, anyway? Why’s it both your name, your cutie mark, and something you wear?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, still leaning into the ear scratching. “It’s nothing unusual. I have a friend named Silver Spoon with a silver spoon for a cutie mark.”

“So, wait? What came first?” Anon had stopped scratching in order to get a real answer from the filly. Diamond Tiara noticed the absence and reached her hooves to grab his hand and bring it back to her head.

“I don’t know, okay?” She said, exasperated. “Just keep doing that scratching thing. I think I’m starting to enjoy it.” Anon rolled his eyes and sighed. Yet, he continued to indulge in the filly.

This is some pedo shit, isn’t it? Anon silently thought to himself. Goddamnit.

Lesson 5: Cook with Applejack (featuring the Apple Family and Negro Spirituals?)

Author's Note

Before we begin, as you can quite obviously tell from the title, this chapter goes in some weird directions. First, I want to say that I would not consider myself religious nor is Anonymous. Either way, I hope no one takes any offense to ponies singing about the Lord with a capital L, even if they're just singing along with someone else. Secondly, everything past the second horizontal line (after the dinner) was completely unplanned and spontaneous. I wrote it because I initially thought it be nice if there was a musical moment. But, in total spurg fashion, I took the song, the scene, and everything too seriously and oddly personal. So, if all that is too weird and artsy-fartsy for your pony fanfic, feel free to stop at the second horizontal line. And, for really real this time, I'm sorry.

Lesson 5: Cook with Applejack (featuring the Apple Family and Negro Spirituals?)

Knock, knock, knock. What a disdainful action. Anonymous grumbled inwardly, standing at the barn door of Sweet Apple Acres. It was about 6 in the evening, the sun hovering over the horizon, giving the sky a beautiful hue of orange and violets. Anon has softened to the unnatural beauty of this place.

In the distance, Anon could see Ponyville from the hill Sweet Apple Acres rested on. He could see the Pie horse throwing a party at the bakery, Fashion horse is talking with a client at her door, Speed horse and Shy horse are flying overhead, and Leader horse is talking with a bunch of construction workers who are working on a building that’s installed next to a mountain with waterfalls. Beyond those he knew, he saw ponies just living their best lives, addressing others with kindness as they crossed paths. In some ways, this was a paradise, all things considered. What is about this place that was so pleasant? At least, when it wants to be, invasions not included.

“Howdy, partner.” Applejack greeted, pushing the top door of the stable open. “Ah take it that you accepted my invitation to our family’s dinner?”

“There’s little else I would walk all the way out here for.” Anon shrugged, turning into a stretch midway. He stopped midway of stretching when he remembered he was carrying a grocery bag. “Oh yeah, bought my own ingredients by the way. You know, just in case.”

“Mighty kind of you, Anon.” She tipped her hat in respect. She swung the lower half of the door out. Anon took a step to enter, only for Applejack to pass by him. She was trotting in the direction of the trees.

“Uh, where are you going?” Anon scratched his head curiously.

“Ah’m picking up some ingredients of my own.” Applejack shouted over her shoulder. “Feel free to join me.” Anon briefly looked at the bag in his hand and the inside of the barn house. It felt wrong to enter her home when she wasn’t there, so he set the bag by the door and followed after her.

They didn’t walk far, reaching the first apple tree they saw. Two wooden buckets sat at opposite ends of the tree trunk. Anon watched as Applejack walked over to the tree, curious as to how she was going to pick the apples off the tree. What he didn’t expect was for Applejack to turn around and rear her hind legs back, before striking the tree with tremendous force. The kick shook the tree to its core, causing it to drop the apples neatly into the two buckets. Anon gave a long whistle, tugging at his collar nervously. Applejack smirked.

“Did ah scare ya?” Applejack teased.

“How the hell can something so small kick so hard?” Anon walked over to the tree, looking at the tree trunk more closely. Surprisingly, there was no visible damage to the trunk at all, not even a dent.

“It’s called ‘Applebucking’.” Applejack said over his shoulder. “We buck the trees and we collect far more apples than if we just picked them. The trees aren’t harmed in the process either.”

“Ah, so you’re a treebucker?” Anon joked, only to be met with a curious eyebrow. Anon coughed into his hand, quickly thinking of something else. “Anyway, do we really need all these apples for dinner?”

“‘Course we do!” Applejack slapped Anon on the back just a tad too hard. “This is a special occasion and I want to give you my best!” Anon rubbed his back with a fake smile, attempting not to show his pain to the tough-as-nails mare. Once the pain was alleviated, he stood up and picked up the two buckets. They were hefty, filled with had to be over a dozen apples, but nothing insurmountable.

“Aw shucks, Anon. You don’t have to carry them for me?”

“I ain’t walked all the way out here to get flexed on by a horse.” Anon lifts the two buckets like dumbbells to emphasize his point. This got a laugh out of Applejack.

“You stallions are all the same.” She remarked heading back in the direction of the barn house. Anon followed after her, wanting to set the buckets down as soon as possible.

Anon continued thinking about the “Applebucking” practice she mentioned. Surely, that wasn’t something everypony could do. Curiosity overtaking judgement, Anon focused on Applejack’s legs. Upon closer inspection, they were a lot more muscular than the average ponies. In honesty, he began to notice the subtle differences in each of the ponies’ body types. Rainbow Dash was athletic, but slender. Rarity was petite, but curved. Why Anon was now seeing these differences eluded, or at least he wished for it to elude him. Regardless, it was clear by her thighs that she had been doing this for the better part of her entire life. It made him wonder what else attributed to the thickness of her-

“Um, Anon?” The question snapped Anon back into reality. “Could maybe, uh, not stare so intensely? We’re back at the barn.” Applejack had her hat tilted down, hiding her undoubtedly embarrassed expression. Anon grunted in awareness, quickly averting his eyes. His cheeks burned passionately, threatening to set him on fire.

“Y-yeah, my b.” Anon stuttered out. With an awkward nod, Applejack walked in an almost robotic fashion to suppress any hip-sway.

I need to get home soon before I fuck around and sleep with a horse… Carrying the eternal shame of his ancestors, he pushed through the stable doors into the Apple Family household.

“So, you’re that weird alien creature that’s been prancin’ about, ain’t cha?” Granny Smith asked, rocking in her rocking chair. Anon sat on the opposing couch. Applebloom and Applejack were baking in the kitchen. Big Macintosh, who Anon discovered was a rather quiet stallion, set the dining room table. “I admit, you’re not as weird lookin’ as I thought you’d be, youngin’.”

“That’s good...I guess.” Anon played with an Apple as he talked, tossing it back and forth.

“How have you been enjoying our little town, by the by? I know it doesn't seem much like on the surface, but you will never find a town more caring and kind.”

“You ain’t wrong there.” Anon agreed, tossing the apple higher into the hand and catching as it falls back to him. “It’s been an enjoyable stay. Not gonna lie, I’ve never been treated with the sheer kindness you ponies share.”

“I will accept no less!” Granny Smith smiled proudly. “I hope my knuckle-headed children didn’t bother you too much, especially the little one.” Granny Smith was clearly teasing, but the little one poked her head from the doorway.

“I wasn’t being a bother!” She protested angrily, pouting as hard as her little muzzle could. “Anonymouse enjoys being around me, right, Anon?”
“Did you just call me ‘Anonymouse’?” Applebloom let out a long “Uhhhh” before dipping back into the kitchen to continue preparing. This won a companionable chuckle between Granny Smith and Anon.

“If I can be candid, y’all really do remind me of my family. Well, at least how they are at the best of times.”

“Why, that’s the best compliment you could have given us! Family is very important to the Apple Family.” This time, Big Mac poked his head through the doorway.

“Eeyup!” He responded with a nod and a smile. “Oh, and dinner’s ready.” With that Anonymous and Granny Smith followed into the dining room table. Anon stopped in his tracks once he saw the table spread.

“Today, we have a diverse selection!” Applejack announced. “We got Apple fritters, Apple pie, Apple cider, Apple cobbler, Apple chips, Apple fritters, Apple juice, Candy apples, and Brown Betty! Made with apples.” Anon stared in silence.

“These ponies sure lover their apples…” Anon mumbled. The family looked at him, frowning.

“Is something wrong, Anon?” Applebloom asked.

“Well, it’s just, do you guys eat anything that isn’t apple related?” Anon asked, shrugging his shoulders. The family took a second to think on this very question. Finally, Big Mac broke the silence.

“Nope!” He said with a blissful smile. Anon sighed and shook his head.

“I don’t mean any disrespect, but maybe it’s about time I start my cooking.” Anon walked over to the stove, taking his bag of goodies with him. The Apple family collectively pout.

“Well what’s the matter?” AJ asked indignantly. “Ya’ll don’t like apples?”

“Apples are okay.” Anon admits worriedly, feeling a set of daggers upon his back as he set the stove. “But, in smaller quantities, know what I mean? You ponies need a more balanced diet and that’s just what I’m about to do.”

“And how exactly are you gonna “balance our diet”, hm?” Granny Smith asked, leering at her inhospitable guest.

“With a little soul food.” Anon grinned as he looked back, trying to ignore the scowls and glares.

“Soul food?” Applebloom asked.

“Yeah, it’s what my family and I called it anyway.” Anon talked as he cooked, hoping that the more he talked, the more he could defuse the tension. “You see, my ancestors weren’t in the...best of positions way back then. So, when it came to making meals, we had a certain set of dishes that we prepared out of what we had. As a result, it became a part of our identity and the rest is history.”

“But why is it called “soul food”?” Applebloom clarified.

“‘Cause it’s food for the soul.” Anon shook his head. “Honestly, you’d think you would understand solely by the name.”

By then, the room had settled down from the audacity of Anonymous’ attempt to bypass eating several bushels worth of apples. The Apple family began eating their meal as Anon prepared his own. Still, the family ate light, curious as to what it was that Anon was making. Applejack watched especially closely, as Anon disregarded all measurements and seemed to add whatever spices he found in the cupboards. It all made her grow nervous as to what Anon was preparing. After some time had passed, Anon brought over several plates to each of the family members.

“Aight, so since you guys are herbivores, y’all gonna be missing out on chicken and ribs.” Anon prefaced the meal. “It’s an inferior experience, but what can you do? Anyways, what we do have is Black-eye peas, collard greens, hushpuppies, candied yams, and cornbread.” Anon gave a little bow as he finished before taking his seat. The Apple family all looked at each other, silently daring the others to take the first bite. Big Mac was the first to take a bite, starting with cornbread cause how can one screw up bread.

“So, I don’t actually know if the ingredients you all have are quite the same as from home, but I mean if you guys have apples and they taste like apples, then we should be good.” Anon continued as Big Mac chewed slowly. However, he stopped, noticing that the bread wasn’t half bad. Big Mac began to happily chow down and, as if on queue, the rest of the Apples followed suit. Soon, the table was full of surprised smiles.

“Why, this ain’t half bad, youngin’!” Granny Smith complimented, grateful that all the food was soft enough to chew with little difficulty.

“I was worried,” Applejack admitted. “When I saw you putting darn near the whole cabinet in this meal, I was sure it was gonna make it worse, not better.”

“Oh, Applejack! I would think that you of all ponies would know that spices are spices for a reason. Especially if you’re preparing meat, cause that shit be dry without it.” Anon joined the family in the delights of eating.

The dinner passed in companionable silence as everyone’s mouth was filled with soul and apple dishes alike. It wasn’t long though that the bellies of everyone at the table was filled before the table could be cleared. There was still enough food for a whole other family to enjoy for dinner. And so, the Apple family agreed to finish the food the following evening, as long as Anon was coming back to join them. Anon couldn’t find it in himself to say no and, surprisingly, didn’t find himself wanting to say no.

But the evening was not yet over. Granny Smith had been put into such a good mood by the meal, she had gone and retrieved an acoustic guitar from the living room and insisted that some music be played before Anon left for the night. Briefly, Anon scoffed at the idea of horses playing musical instruments in his usual way, but nonetheless he listened as the family sing numerous songs. One song that was sung was about the raising of a barn house, another about the bonds of the apple family, and the joy of getting work done. All the while, Anon listened passively, vicariously enjoying the energy and joy shared by the family. Applebloom caught on to Anon’s passivity however.

“Hey, Anon!” She shouted at the end of their last song. “Does your family have any songs they sing?” Anon was snapped back into reality by the question. He waved his hand dismissively.

“Nah, we don’t just break into song where we’re from.”

“Oh, applesauce!” Granny objected. “That don’t mean you don’t know any songs to sing!”

“I mean, I know songs, plenty of them.” He rubbed his shoulder awkwardly. “Just not any that I’ve sung with my family. Or, other people for that matter.”

“Shoot, then name one and we’ll sing it with you!” Anon looked up to see the whole of the Apple family beaming at him. Something about the scene made him choke up. These ponies knew so little about him, so little about his world, and yet they seemed to accept him wholeheartedly and unwavering. It was like, in some weird way, he was just as part of their family as they were. Anon caught himself wiping a tear from his eye and coughed into his hands unconvincingly.

“Aight, aight. I’ll sing one song and then I’m out, got it?” Anon attempted to speak as his usual asshole-ish self. But the Apples caught on quickly to what Anon was feeling and nodded regardless.

“Just go on and sing a verse, I’ll figure out the rest from there.” Applejack readied her guitar, giving it a few practice strums. Anon cleared his throat, knowing of a perfectly PG and not mainstream song to sing that would fit with the..er, aesthetic of the Apple family.

“Alright, this song is around the same time that the soul food we ate came from. It’s a little heavy, but it’s the only one I really know that you all would appreciate. So...” Anon took a deep breath, already doubting his ability. “Here we go.”

(Author's Note: Here's an acoustic version to listen along with. The more authentic version is down in the comments. It good song.)

“Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me