Author's Note

Hey everyone! Guess who's still alive? I know it's been awhile, but boom! New chapter! I just want to thank all of you. This goes to my fellow League members and to all of the people who read my story. I know it's not the best, but I just wanted to thank all of you for not only reading my story, but also enjoy it. Thank you, all of you.

Bite My Shining Metal Ass Part 1

Jason opened his eyes and groaned as he rubbed his eyes to try and wake himself up. Twilight stirred awake and looked up at Jason.

“Morning, Jason. You okay?” Twilight yawned as she sat up.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just had a weird dream,” Jason answered before yawning.

“What was it about?” Twilight wondered.

“I don’t know. Some world with aliens and robots and stuff, looked like it was a future earth,” Jason described as best he could.

“You sure it wasn’t your world?” Twilight guessed. Assuming it was his world from everything he told them about Earth.

“Nah, no way.” Jason stood up and stretched. Rubbing his neck he headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

After half an hour Jason stepped out of the bathroom wearing his suit. He saw his family eating at the table and walked over to Scootaloo.

“Do you have to go?” Scootaloo asked, today Jason and the others would go and try to find Lex Luthor and put a stop to whatever his plans were.

“I do, Scoots. But I promise I’ll be back. Here.” Jason handed Scootaloo his phone. “You can use this to call me whenever and wherever you want.” Jason then used his helmet to call Scootaloo and she smiled as she hugged him.

“Be safe, dad. Okay?” Scootaloo said, fighting back her tears.

“I will, sweetie.” Jason hugged her back and held her. He stood up and walked over to Spike “You’re the man of the house, now. Or I guess dragon of the house, so anyone comes here, burn them with your fire breath,” Jason chuckled as he patted Spike’s head.

“Hahah, you can count on me!” Spike said happily while saluting at Jason.

“Don’t do anything stupid…what am I saying, you are anyways,” Avril said as she hugged Jason from behind and kissed his neck “Love you, Red.”

“Love you too, Avril.” Jason was then hugged by Twilight.

“I-If you need us, just say the word and we’ll go.” Twilight looked up at him, a bit worried, very worried, about Jason as she didn’t know what these villains were capable of.

“I love you too, Twilight.” Jason hugged her and slowly let go, heading for the door, but as he opened it he heard…yelling?

“Someone fat, get in my way!” A sudden voice yelled.

Jason looked up in the sky and saw a gray dot in the sky and it was rapidly falling. The sound caught the attention of everyone else in the square. As it got closer, it looked like a man, though it looked like he was dressed in gray armor. Before anyone could try and catch the flailing man, he landed next to the fountain, making a crater in his shape.

“Oww!” The guy got up from where he landed and Jason finally saw what had fallen: a robot.

“Stupid gravity, you think you’re better than me!?” He cursed while waving his arm at the sky.

Jason immediately pulled out his pistols at the sight of the robot, thinking it was one of Lex’s bots since he was the only one he knew that could build something so advanced in this world.

“Hey! Rusty tin can! Tell me what the hell you’re doing here and I MIGHT let you go.” Jason then cocked his pistols. “Start talking.”

“What the hell do you think I’ve been doing, jerk!?” The robot responded.

“Causing a scene and pissing me off. So talk, or else I’ll let the little demon use you for sword practice,” Jason said as Damian tapped his sword at the side of the robot’s head. When the robot turned around he found himself surrounded by the Bat-family.

“Ah, great. More jerks,” The robot said before going for something in his chest.

Jason fired at the robot straight in his chest. Suddenly the doors to Twilight's flung open and Avril ran out.

“What’s going on?!” Avril asked as she looked around and gasped at seeing the robot. “Jason, don’t shoot him!”

BANG! BANG!

Jason fired two times.

“Did you even hear a word I JUST said?!” Avril barked irritably.

“No!” Jason said back.

“Hold your fire, dammit!” Avril ran straight to the robot and helped him up, noting the three dents in his chest. “Bender, what the hell are you doing here?”

“My job, until these idiots showed up,” The robot now known as Bender said while gesturing to the batfamily.

“Wait, wait, wait. You…you know this guy?” Jason asked while holstering his guns.

“A dog-lady and a foulmouth robot know each other. This got interesting,” Damian scoffed as he sheathed his sword.

“Hmm…he looks a lot like the tin man from Oz,” Tim poked and eyed the robot.

“Bite my shiny metal ass!” Bender told Tim.

“Doesn’t look very shiny to me,” Damian said while looking at his backside.

“Shinier than yours, shrimp. Now, before I get shot at again, I got some stuff for Avril here.” Bender reached back into his chest and brought out a large box and gave it to Avril. “You left this crap behind when you left.”

“Oh! My stuff!” Avril smiled and hugged Bender. “Thanks again, Bender. I’ll buy you a twelve pack. Jason, help me bring this inside, please?” Avril said. Jason rolled his eyes and lifted up the large box with some effort.

“Jeezus, what’s in here?” Jason asked as he headed back inside.

“Whoa! How did you do that? Do you have some sort of interdimensional portal inside you? Or does your body have some sort of textbook dimension transcendentally where things of large size occupy smaller volume?” Tim looked inside Bender’s chest.

“Quit touchin’ my junk, pervert!” Bender yelled at Tim before closing his chest. “And to answer your question, so you’ll shut up, Joe had Brok put some kind of inscription inside my chest door.” He then reached in and pulled out a bottle of beer. He uncorked the cap with his thumb and downed the whole thing. When he finished it off he let out a flaming burp.

“Whoa! You breathe fire? Awesome!” Dick laughed as he put away his batons.

“So the robot is an alcoholic. Great.” Damian sat down near the fountain.

“Wrong! Alcohol fuels my batteries,” Bender told Damian before taking out a cigar and lit it with his finger, and started puffing away.

“And what’s the cigar for?” Dick asked with intrigue.

“They make me look cool,” Bender simply said before walking to where Jason and Avril went. Jason set Avril’s stuff down in the living room and rubbed his neck.

“So what’s in here? Boulders?” Jason asked as Avril playfully punched his arm.

“No, just some stuff I left behind back on the Edge. Didn’t really bring anything once I moved here,” Avril said as she opened up the box. Batman and the others all walked into the house and looked over at Bender.

“Why are you still here?” Batman asked.

“My ride will come back when it does. Until then, I’ll just hang around here for a while.” Bender headed over to a chair, and propped himself with his feet on the table before bringing out a magazine entitled Big Booty Fembots. “Awww, yeah. You’re a bad girl.”

“Cool! A robot!” Spike and Scootaloo ran downstairs and looked up at Bender. Scootaloo tilted her head and pointed at the magazine.

“What’s that?” Scootaloo asked while trying to take a peek at the dirty magazine.

“Nothing! Nothing!” Jason said as he snatched the magazine away and tucked it away in his jacket. “Look, Bender, is it? Thanks for bringing Avril’s stuff here, but why do you have to wait for your ride to come?”

“To be honest, I didn’t even want to come to this dump. But my boss said to bring Avril her stuff, then Ash said some crap about staying until I feel sympathy for you flesh-bags. Also, got an arsenal of weapons and gadgets the guys wanted to give you.” Bender then got up and pulled out a bat. “Now give me back my porno!”

“What’s a porno?” Scootaloo and Spike asked.

“Nothing!” Jason said as he handed Bender back his porno. “Now give me my weapons of destruction.”

Bender took back his magazine and placed it in his chest before bringing out an assortment of items.

“Alright, let’s see what we got here.” He started going through the pile to get to the weapons. “Ammo for what those guys gave you already, wristband shield, blowgun. bachelor chow, a six-pack of Slurm, Lucy Lu’s head, oops. Sorry, baby,” Bender said to a jar with the head of a woman in it.

“Be more careful, Bender. I almost spilled out,” the head of Lucy Lu said.

“Ah! Talking head!” Spike screamed and hid behind Twilight.

“Cool! Talking head!” Scootaloo walked over to Lucy Lu’s head. “Ooooooh.”

“You got about five seconds to tell me why you have a disembodied head in your chest,” Batman warned Bender as he held out a bat taser.

“Uhh, I didn’t steal her from the head museum. I only borrowed her,” Bender said with shifty eyes.

“Kevin Conroy? Is that you?” Lucy asked Batman.

“Who?” Batman asked.

“All of this just seems like it was a half-assed idea that makes no sense on being in this moment whatsoever,” Robin said while crossing his arms.

“Just put the head away. Twilight, I’m putting Avril’s stuff downstairs. No one touch my ammo!” Jason said as he carried Avril’s box downstairs into the basement. Bender mimicked Jason’s order before he put Lucy back in his chest before looking at everyone.

“Alright, if anyone needs me, I’ll be in the nearest bar.” Bender left for the front door but was stopped when Shining and a cadre of guards stood outside the door. “What do you want, ugly?”

“And what the buck are you supposed to be? A walking trash can?” Shining Armor mocked Bender.

“Shining? What are YOU doing here?” Twilight crossed her arms and glared daggers at her brother, still remembering what he did to Jason and their daughter.

“Yeah, shouldn’t you be up at that eye-sore of an empire with Cadence or something?” Bender asked while narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms. When no one answered and Shining started fuming, Bender tried to read the room. “What?”

“They’re divorced,” Jason bluntly told Bender when he came back. Twilight smacked him over the head. “Ow! What was that for? It’s true!”

“Stop. Talking.” Twilight told him as Jason grumbled.

“Yes. We are…divorced,” Shining Armor said through gritted teeth. Bender looked between Shining and the others before responding.

“Hahaha.” He then sees that no one is laughing with him. “Oh, wait, you’re serious. Let me laugh even harder. Hahahahahahahaha!!” Shining Armor gritted his teeth harder and seethed at Bender as his horn lit up.

“Make one wrong move, and we’ll take you down,” Batman said as he stared down at Shining Armor. The others all glared at Shining Armor, daring him to give them all a reason to drop him. Shining Armor scoffed.

“I only came to investigate the source of the crash, I take it that’s you?” Shining asked Bender.

“No crap. What gave it away? The me-shaped crater?” Bender takes a drag from his cigar before blowing the smoke in Shining and the guards’ faces, making them cough. “So what happened, you go around chasing some floozy, or did she decide to trade up?” Bender asked the enraged captain. Jason and Damian both tried to stop themselves from laughing as they heard this, but Shining Armor however was fuming at this point. His face red with anger as his horn lit up. Before he could say anything Twilight stepped up to him.

“There is no problem and no reason for you to be here. Now go away,” Twilight told him. Crossing her arms as she narrowed her eyes at her brother. Shining Armor groaned.

“Fine, but we’ll stay here just in case,” Shining Armor said.

“I figured you’d be out of the whole guard thing,” Jason said. “Especially after getting your ass whooped by yours truly.”

“While I was…punished, I managed to still keep my rank. And my men still trust me as their leader. The Princesses still see value in me due to my skill, leadership, and experience despite any past transgressions towards you,” Shining Armor said, his tone clearly showed that he held a massive grudge towards Jason.

“Duly warned, now do you jerkwads mind moving? I’m down to my last beer.” Bender brings out a bottle from his chest and chugs it down. When it was empty, he let out another flaming burp, this one bigger than the first, and the guards had to duck to avoid getting burnt.

“Oh for the love of… Why is it that ever since you showed up, we got all these crazy things start to happen around here? I swear, you’re like a magnet for trouble,” Shining Armor spat at Jason but Jason just gave him the double bird. A loud burp was heard as Spike burped up a message.

“Jason! The Princesses have requested your presence. It sounds urgent,” Spike said. Jason nodded and quickly used his key to open a portal to Canterlot.

“Scootaloo, Spike, be good to your moms and be on your best behavior. Daddy’s gonna go to work,” Jason said as he, Batman, and the others all walked through the portal.

“Wait a minute. Princesses? Fancy booze!” Bender then ran through the portal.

Once they were through, Bender started looking around the place. He then managed to spot a liquor cabinet. “Come to papa!” He then ran over and raided the cabinet.

“Damnit, no!” Jason grabbed Bender and pulled him away from the cabinets. “Why the hell did we even appear in the kitchen?”

“We need to move, hurry and bring the robot,” Batman ordered as they walked out of the kitchen.

Jason dragged Bender away and towards the throne room. Bender went with them, but not before using his extendable arm to grab one of the bottles and store it in his chest. The group then entered the throne room and saw Princess Celestia and Princess Luna on their thrones, they could already tell that something was wrong.

“What happened?” Batman asked.

“There has…been another attack on a hospital in Balitmare. A bomb was set off,” Celestia said as she remained strong, but they could hear the pain in her voice as she said this.

“What? But who could…no.” Nightwing turned to the others and they could tell who it was that was behind the attack.

“Who was it that attacked our…I’m sorry, what is that?” Luna pointed at the Robot who was chugging down a bottle of champagne. Bender finished off the incredibly expensive champagne before letting out another flaming burp.

“Hey, Chumpettes. You can call me Bender. I’m best buds with this guy.” Bender grabbed Jason by his shoulder and brought him in a hug.

“He’s a robot from the Edge, I think. Why he hasn’t gone back, or wants to go back, are reasons that I don’t know.” Jason explained as best he could. The Princesses looked at each other in mild confusion but brushed it off.

“Back to the matter at hand, who is the one that caused all this destruction?” Luna asked.

“The Joker. My greatest foe and the most dangerous and unpredictable criminal in the world. He did this to call us out,” Batman told them.

“Joker? Is he…” Luna looked over at Jason, not needing to see his face to see the anger and pain and rage he had.

“We need to get to the hospital and start looking for clues. Are there any survivors?” Jason asked

“One. They’re in the King Solar hospital,” Celestia told them.

“We’ll need to get there fast,” Batman said.

“That’s not all. In Trottingham, a major snowstorm has appeared, but there were now records of such a storm being scheduled. Guards that were sent there have not reported back,” Celestia said.

“That has to be Dr. Freeze,” Red Robin said.

“We must put a stop to them, and they will be served the harshest punishment befitting the crime that they have done,” Celestia said.

“They are our problem, we’ll be the ones who take them in. They’ll see punishment, but in our world, not yours,” Batman told the two rulers of Equestria.

“Batman, with all due respect, this is our land. our subjects that they have killed. So we will punish them as we see fit,” Luna said, staring down at The Dark Knight.

“They will be punished under our laws. Princess.” Batman stared back at the two. The tension in the air was so thick that it was almost suffocating.

“You guys are fretting over a clown and a human popsicle? And I thought you guys were heroes,” Bender commented before swiping a jewel-encrusted vase.

Batman grabbed Bender’s arm before placing the vase back on the pedestal. “Don’t let me catch you doing that again,” he said with his signature bat glare.

“Better mascots than you have tried,” Bender responded before retracting his arm. “So, where do we head first?”

“We should split up, I’ll take-”

“No. We stick together. First we’ll head to Baltimare and pick up any clues we can find. Then we’ll go deal with Freeze,” Batman said, before anyone else could speak he was already on his way out. The others looked at each and just had to go along with it.

“You have something fast we could use? Time isn’t exactly on our side,” Jason asked.

“You can take our personal airship,” Celestia said as she and Luna stood up.

Both princesses led them down the halls. After a while the two sisters stopped in front of a wall and their horns lit up. Lines on the wall then glowed as a door was revealed. Leading them inside the two sisters walked inside and soon they entered a large hanger.

“We use this in case of emergencies,” Luna said as they were soon met with a fairly large airship. It was made of wood and reinforced with gold, it had sails with the mark of both sisters and at the bow was an alicorn that doubled as a battering ram. “It uses magic to help soar, we would use this during wartime and other states of emergencies.”

“I remember trying to take it for a joyride,” Celestia giggled.

“What a complete piece of crap. I’ve seen hover cycles that looked better than this junk heap,” Bender said examining the ship. Jason swiped Nightwing’s baton and then electrocuted Bender. Instead of a yelp or a scream, Bender seemed to like it. “Don’t mind if I take another hit.” He swiped the baton before pressing it against his chest for a continuous arc of electricity. “Awwwwwwwwww, yeah.”

“Give me that!” Nightwing snatched his baton back but grimaced in disgust. “Ew ew ew. I feel dirty just touching it.”

“Let’s go. Try anything, and I’ll throw you off the airship,” Jason said as he dragged Bender on board.

“Be safe, my love,” Celestia said to Jason with worry.

“Thou had better return safely,” Luna said, equally worried for their stallion.

“I’ll try my best.” Jason waved to them as he and the others got on board.

Batman took the helm of the ship and suddenly it powered up. A large set of doors opened up and Batman flew the ship out. They flew out from the mountain and flew through the skies. The inside of the ship was surprisingly fairly advanced, having some form of technology on board, even for pony standards, this ship was advanced. Red Robin got to work and started putting in a route for Baltimare. While Tim was planning a route, Bender had taken one of the control panels off and started pushing buttons, tickling the wires, and even giving it a smack.

“Oh, yeah. You’re a bad girl~,” Bender said in a perverted tone.

“Perfect. The robot is also perverted,” Damian said before forcing the panel back into place.

Bender grumbled before walking toward the helm. “Remind me to walk in when you're trying to score with a floozy,” He told the latest Robin. “Hey, what’s with the chump?” Bender asked Batman.

“My son. And he knows how to use that sword. Be careful with what you say and do next around him,” Batman told Bender.

“Sword my ass.” Bender began to laugh before Damian obliged with the threat and stuck his sword in Bender’s shiny metal ass. “Aahh!!" He shouted before hopping around the ship with the weapon in his ass.

“Come here so I can turn you into a pencil holder!” Damian then gave chase after Bender. Jason laughed and started recording.