Good Fabricby MeatabexChaptersChapter 1: Hats and HeaddressesChapter 3: Official Analysis of Pinkius PiecusChapter 2: Haircuts and Memory LossChapter 1: Hats and HeaddressesIt was a fine Equestrian morning. The sun had just begun to tip its brow over the clouds in the east, and yet, business was booming in the town square as shoppers strolled into the Sunday market, peddling for goods and services, and enjoying the beautiful weather. One such shopper was wearing a breathtaking headdress on this wonderful occasion, outfitted with the tail feathers of a peacock, which were delicately sewn into the handiwork that was the patron’s own design. A slight breeze passed through the stalls, and the bright azure-sage peacock feathers fluttered gently. Carefully, she adjusted the hat, before continuing on her way. Two stalls away, another mare had also been shifting her hat. This one, however, had been made with rough leather, and had been patched a multitude of times. Although not entirely mundane, many a pony had already become accustomed to the apple farmer’s attire. It contained much historical value, as it had once belonged to generations long past. It also had been designed for practical uses, such as blocking the rays of the sun during noon time, when she was most likely to be bucking appletrees. Today, however, was not one of those days. No, today was the day that she would be selling her hard-earned apples. And what a fine day to be doing so! The sun was not too hot, the air was slightly humid, but not wet, and the breeze... the breeze was fantastic! As if to complement the sublime climate, the mare with her fashionable headdress stepped out in front of the stall, letting all admire the spectacular sight that was her hat. The apple seller poked her head out from behind her selling point and whistled. “Why, in mah time I haven’t seen anything quite as fancy as that doohickey ya got there on yer head, Rarity!” The shopper turned her head quickly, although not so fast as to lose control of her lovely coiffure, and spotted the mare that had spoken to her. Recognizing her, she considered barking at her friend, telling her that it was not a doohickey but rather a fabulous new headdress, but then considered the uncouthness of such a derision, and instead smiled politely, and replied with grace. “Why thank you Applejack!” she sang in a voice that one could liken a bird’s, and trotted over to her friend. “It’s my latest design!” “And what a design it is!” Applejack eyed the feathers that protruded from the lavender surface. “Sure seems rather fancy for all that it does.” Rarity ignored the remark, and tried to reignite friendly conversation. “So what are you up to this fine morning?” Applejack face hooved, and then pointed to her stall. “Ah.” Rarity coughed, and proceeded to adjust her hat again. “Rarity, I should be askin you: why’re you here, of all places?” Applejack asked. “Can’t just be for totin around that hat of yers.” Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “Well, if you must know,” she said. “I am currently on my way to Twilight’s library to pick up some books for Sweetie Belle on... parkour.” She said the last word through gritted teeth. Applejack nodded. “Yah, I hear ya. Last night Apple Bloom was tellin me all about their next big idea...” On idea, she rolled her eyes. “I can’t wait to see how long that will last,” Rarity said with little enthusiasm. “I don’t see why they could be cutie mark bakers, or something of the sort. Something less rough and tumble...” “Well, for one, ah don’t really care so much for their antics as long as none of them git hurt,” Applejack turned her eyes back to her stall, where she had yet to make a sale. Another breeze wafted up, and passed through the stalls. It moved along until it had reached a certain headdress with a certain amount of feathers on it, and decided to take it with itself on its journey through the market. Rarity’s sensitive hooves were trained for this, though, and she deftly snatched her hat back with a vengeance. The breeze surrendered its hostage, and carried on listlessly. With a snort, she tipped her headdress back on, found it to be lopsided, and redressed it again. “So...” Applejack scrutinized the hat again. “What does that thing do again, other than get caught in the wind?” “Darling, what in Equestria are you talking about?” Rarity recognized a mare influent in the language of fabulosity when she saw one, and had come prepared with a speech to educate her naive lessers when the time came. “Fashion is not about doing. It is about showing.” “And... what’s that supposed to mean?” the apple seller’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Mah hat don’t show nuthin. What it does is keep the sun outta mah eyes!” “Oh, but that can’t be the only reason you carry that piece of leather on your mane with you all the time!” Rarity retorted. Applejack frowned at her friend’s remark towards her family heirloom. “There must be an ulterior motive, a reason behind you keeping it with you all the time!” “Well, that’s not important...” even as she talked, Applejack began to reminisce about her hat’s predecessor. Shaking her head, she reminded herself not to think about him when Rarity drove the point home. “Of course it is! Why else would you stay with that... thing, when you could have something as extravagant as this?” And with that comment, Rarity struck a chord. Despite all her attempts to remain as polite as possible, nopony could possibly ever grief Applejack the way Rarity just had. “Why you... don’t you go insultin mah hat like that!” Applejack growled, “it was mah papa’s!” “I did nothing of the sort!” Rarity retaliated, shocked at Applejack’s implications. “I was simply saying that you should embrace the possibility of finding a new accessory for your mane! I was not spitting on your father’s image...” “Of all ponies, Rarity, I wouldn’t have imagined it from you! He was uh good stallion Rarity! A good stallion! Ya hear me? A good stallion!” Rarity was now confused. “I... uh... erm... what?” But Applejack would hear none of it. She began to sputter and stammer, and soon forgot her friend was even there. “...he was NOT a drunk! Apple Bloom was NOT a mistake! He... he... he was simply experimentin and tinkerin with new recipes for cider, and everypony should GIT off his back, because he is not...” As her ranting slurred into half-sobs and trailing words, the fashionista decided it was better to let her friend calm herself down before interacting with her again. “Good, Spike. We only need to finish the Astronomy of Comets section, and then we can take the books out and dust them again!” Twilight paced phlegmatically across the floor. “Sound good?” “Sounds great,” the purple dragon muttered. “But can RD and Pinkie Pie please help? They’re just sitting there reading!” A pony with poofy, curly, pink unkempt hair was sitting behind another pony with a similarly unkempt rainbow maned mare, who had been sitting on a staircase, reading the newest installment of Daring Do: The Legend of the Lost Zebra. “Yeah, yeah, after I’m done with this chapter.” Her eyes scanned the pages, going from the left to right, then sliding over a line down to the left, and heading right again, in a quick, voracious manner, intending to finish the chapter as soon as she could to learn how Daring Do could possibly escape this next elaborate trap. Somehow, her reading intensity made it so that she did not notice that her pink friend had been behind her until her face was on the page she was trying to read. “Hello!” “Wha... Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash slammed the book shut, and Pinkie maintained an innocent, playful smile. “You know I hate it when you’re reading over my shoulder! Not cool, dude!” “Hey!” Pinkie’s smile quickly turned into a frowny face of unknown proportions. “I was just at the part where Daring finds the secret trap door! Why did you close the-” Unbeknownst to Pinkie Pie, she had just given away the ending to the story. Rainbow Dash froze up for a few seconds, and her left eye twitched. “Uh... Dashie?” “PINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Rainbow yelled at the top of her lungs, frustrated that her best friend had ruined the plot. “YOU RUINED THE BOOK!!” “Not really,” Pinkie’s frown now became more of an innocent filly’s. “its still in pretty good reading condition. I don’t see any tears or holes or bends in the page. Except for the one that you made when you slammed the book.” She pointed to the bend on the page with a hoof. “I mean, you gave away the ending!” Rainbow groaned. “No I didn’t!” Pinkie’s frown became a pout. “I didn’t even tell you the part where Daring Do meets up with her long lost father and they make their way back to Barn College while being attacked by giant ferocious cats with bi-planes!” Rainbow’s head was about to explode off of her neck. Steam shot out from her ears, and her hair threatened to burst into flames. She leaped into the air, legs stretched as far out as possible and a conflagration lit her mane and tail to flames, wings splayed out threateningly. “Wow,” Pinkie commented as the heat radiated around the room. “The only other pony I’ve ever seen do that is Twilight!” “Me too,” Spike said in awe, watching the spectacle unfold. Rainbow Dash’s eyes rolled into her head, and the fire dissipated as quickly as it had spawned. Falling onto the floor, she croaked softly. “It’s useless...” “You’re such an egghead, Dashie!” Pinkie giggled. “C’mon, it’s just a book!” “Just a book?” Dash repeated, incredulously. “JUST A BOOK?” She tackled Pinkie to the floor. “It was the second last chapter of the newest book of Daring Do! DARING DO! How could you do this to me? And you’ve ruined it!” Although Spike and Pinkie had no idea what had befallen their faithful friend, Twilight herself had experienced moments such as these, when the ending of a book should not have been so blatantly stated in public, but had, ruining the enjoyment of a reader’s lifetime, and found herself compelled to step in in this emergency situation. “Girls, girls!” she repeated sternly. “Just... calm down. RD, you’re gonna be ok!” With that, she stood up tall, and pointed her horn at RD’s head. A shiny blaze of light emerged from the tip, and connected with between Dash’s eyes. *KAZAM!!* Her body fell off of Pinkie’s, and Pinkie stood up. “WHAT THE HAY?!?” Spike yelled. Dash’s eyes rolled around for a second, then realigned as she shook her head. “Ugh... what just happened? I was reading, and then...” “You were reading a Daring Do novel,” Twilight said quickly, but calmly. “And you were almost done with the chapter-” “Well, actually,” Pinkie interrupted, “I just ruined the Daring Do book for you by telling you she finds the trap door that lets her get away from all of the bad guys and then I ruined the rest of the story by telling you that she meets up with her long lost father and they go back to the college she works at while being chased by bad guys and then you go all super fiery Ponyta on us and then you tackled me to the ground like this!” Pinkie Pie threw herself into the air, and then was struck to the ground by an invisible force, and she began clutching her neck forcefully, and tried to gulp breaths of air, with no noticeable effect... Twilight planted a hoof onto her forehead. “Uh, Pinkie,” Spike put a claw to his mouth, deep in thought. “I don’t think you were being choked.” “Oh, right!” Pinkie giggled. “I was just doing that for cinematic effect!” What the other ponies failed to notice, however, was RD’s swelling head. Steam once again shot out from her ears, and she leaped into the air, legs stretched out, a pyre lighting her mane and tail on fire. “PINKIE!!!! I’M GOING TO-” Before she could set anypony on fire, however, another beam of light struck her between the eyes. She fell out of her suspended fiery flight, and hit the floor with a CRASH! “Holy Guacamole!” Spike yelled. “Pinkie!” Twilight grabbed her pink friend’s head. “You can’t tell her anything...” Dash was already beginning to stir again. “What’s... going on...” she slurred. Twilight brought Pinkie and Spike into a tight huddle. “Pinkie, Spike, I wiped all of her memories from the last minute. Please don’t do anything. Don’t tell her-” “Wait, you wiped her memory?!?” Spike whispered back intensely. “Why would you do that?!?” “It was the only way!” Twilight hissed. “How else can I keep from spoiling the ending to the story? If she doesn’t know anything that happened in the last minute, then Pinkie never spoiled the ending of the chapter for her!” “Ah...” Spike nodded slowly, and then paused. “That’s genius!” “I know,” Twilight grinned, “I do that to myself sometimes when I really enjoy the endings to some of the better novels.” “Wait... then...” Spike was absorbed in his own thoughts suddenly, and his words drifted away. “Urg!” Twilight gave up on her assistant, and turned to Pinkie. “Ok, Pinkie Promise that you won’t tell Rainbow Dash anything that just happened?” “Sure!” Pinkie, who had surprisingly been quiet in the huddle (although that probably had to do with playing along with the whole secret huddle thing), went through the motions of a pinkie promise, and finished it off by plunging her hoof into her eye, and then pulling it out. “Done!” She beamed. The three left their huddle and turned to see a very confused Dash. “Hey guys, why’re you all huddled with each other and stuff?” “Oh! Um,” Twilight’s eyes shifted from left to right, then back to left, which was customary for all readers, but only if they were reading, which Twilight was not. “You were reading... and then you fell asleep.” “I was?” Dash scratched her head. “I could’ve sworn I was trying to get revenge for something...” “Oh, no no no no no no no,” Pinkie smiled, “You were definitely reading. Yes. You were.” The three looked at each other, and then to Dashie, and then to each other again, and then burst into laughter. “Seriously guys,” Rainbow chuckled along nervously. “If this is a prank, then ya got me.” “Oh, it’s a prank alright!” Spike giggled. Pinkie Pie fell onto her back, tossing her legs into the air with abandon, giggle-snorting all the while. “Hmm hmm. Ok then. Girls, would you mind helping me pick up-” Twilight was interrupted by the door swinging open, and the sound of hooves on wood. “Good morning, everypony. I am here to-” “Rarity!” Pinkie squealed. “You won’t believe what just happened!” As Pinkie tackled Rarity to the floor, Dash continued to look on with a befuddled expression. “This is... am I... what?” Rainbow murmured. Spike leaned over to Twilight and whispered into her ear. “Hey, Twilight, are you sure it was a good idea to erase her memory? She’s acting all funny.” “It was for the greater good,” Twilight whispered back. “Nothing is more evil than ruining the plot of a story.” “Nothing!” Daring Do pressed her neck against the rope that had been binding her to the wall. Struggling, she could barely even shift her hooves around. “Nnngh! Ahuitzotl, you won’t get away with this!” “Oh, but I already have...” the strange blue ape-monkey menace approached his rival. He let out a long, rancorous laugh that echoed in the dimly lit hall. “And now, to perform the greatest evil that has ever befallen the world of Equestria,” he took two dramatic steps back. “No!” Daring’s irises grew wide as she realized what he was going to do. “Ruining every plot twist in existence!” He let out another evil laugh, and Daring screamed. “NO!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THIS!!! AHUITZOTL!!!!” Ahuitzotl took a deep breath, and then let it loose. “Snape kills Dumbled-” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-” [Many Spoilers Later] “-rose bud is the sled, there is a District 13, and GlaDOS is Caroline’s essence trapped in a robot body.” “-OOOOOOOOOOO...” Daring could only whimper as the the last words penetrated her mind, and she succumbed, losing all remaining facets of curiosity, imagination, and hope. With an evil, gargantuan laugh, Ahuitzotl took his leave. “Excuse me, Twilight, but could you help me find the Novice’s Guide to Parkour?” Twilight shook herself out of her stupor. “Of course, Rarity!” she immediately ran through the Derpy Decimal System. “Hmm... would it be under Applied Sciences or Recreation?” She finally decided on recreation, and slid down to the 700’s section. From there it was a simple matter of going through the alphabetical order (a skill she had often neglected, at least, until Pinkie Pie insisted that it was how she located her books) to find the requested title. “Found it,” she muttered, still trying to remove the last thoughts of the imaginary Daring episode out of her mind, and slid it out of the bookcase. “Here you go, Rarity...” Rarity was still on the floor, and Pinkie Pie was still on top of her, rapid-fire-talking to explain the whole situation of what had happened (although just out of earshot of Rainbow Dash, who was being tended to by Spike). This was certainly uncomfortable for the fashionista, who was busy trying to detach herself from her bubbly, bouncy pink friend. “...and then Twilight was all like *KAZAM* and then Dashie fell over and then its basically like I never told her anything about the ending of the Daring Do book! It’s so amazing an-” “Now, Pinkie, could you please remove yourself from me? Please?” It seemed to get her attention, as the voluble pony stopped chattering, and cocked her head. “Oh! I’m sorry Rarity!” She hopped off of her friend, who proceeded to dust herself off. “Pinkie... I don’t understand why you need to be so.... loquacious all the time!” She focused on her horn, and her hat brought itself back onto her head, a bluish glow surrounding it temporarily. “Now the feathers are all... ruffled. Oh!” With a groan, she attempted to fix the hat, tipping it this way and that, and poking at it with tendrils of magic. Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Loki what?” Twilight coughed. “Loquacious. It means talkative, excessively communicative, etc... Basically you in a nutshell.” Pinkie seemed to consider the word for a beat. “So... you’re saying it’s bad for me to be myself?” Rarity shook her head. “No, darling, but you sometimes need to learn to calm yourself down...” She continued brushing herself off, pruning, and realized that there were still curls of Pinkie’s mane trapped in her hair. “And you should comb your hair... It’s so messy, bouncy... and soft... and... fluffy...” Her eyes widened. Bouncy... soft... fluffy... it was too good to be true. She shook her head and stared at the wispy curls on her hoof. “Um, Rarity?” Twilight asked, but she had lost her. Why... this was quality fabric material! The softness, the comfortable touch it provided, the sheer excitement of each strand... It was impossible, and yet... It was amazing! Rarity hovered over to Pinkie’s mane, and stuck a hoof deep in. Gasping, she found it just as she had expected... soft... strange... warm... but very, very quality indeed! She ran through her current inventory in her mind: She had linen and cotton for much absorbency and comfort, less static build-up and better dyeability, and silk for luster, luxury and comfort. Wool gave warmth, increased absorbency, increased shape retention and wrinkle recovery. Camel and Cashmere also for warmth warmth, luxury, improved drape ability, soft smooth texture. Acrylic for improved softness, wool-like qualities. Rayon for lower cost fabric with better absorbency, lower static build-up and added luster. Nylon for increased strength, abrasion resistance, wrinkle resistance and lower cost. Acetate for improved drapes ability, more luster and shine and lower cost. Polyester for wash and wear qualities, wrinkle resistance, shape retention, durability and is a lower cost fabric. Spandex for comfort and elasticity. As she repeated her selection through her mind, she realized: Pinkie- rather, her mane, had all of the qualities that were needed: it was absorbent, long, comfortable, warming, had luster, shine, very strong, retained the strong curls... it was everything a fashionista needed for the perfect fabric! A bright lightbulb emanated from the top of her head, and light up suddenly as her eyelids raised, her mouth curved into a brilliant smile. “IDEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!” “Oh! An idea!” Pinkie grinned. Then she scratched her head with a hind hoof like a dog. “What kind of idea?” “A FABULOUS IDEA!!!” Rarity squealed. “And I’ll need you to help me the whole way through!” “Okie dokie Rarity Darity!” Pinkie beamed. “Let’s go!” Before Twilight and Spike knew what was going on, two ponies had left the treehouse that was her library. “Um...” Dash asked, “what just happened?” “I’m even less sure than before...” Twilight muttered. “First a book on parkour, now hanging out with Pinkie? It doesn’t seem very Rarity-like.” “Yeah!” Spike growled. “Why would she pick Pinkie over me?” After a passing thought, Twilight dismissed with the wave of a hoof. “It’s probably nothing. Oh, and by the way, Dashie, that’s not how you read a book.” Chapter 3: Official Analysis of Pinkius PiecusA trio of fillies continued to hop around the picnic table behind Twilight’s library. They had been doing the same activity in the yard for a few hours now, as instructed by her books on parkour, but none of them seemed to be getting any better at it, judging from the various bruises, cuts and bumps that had now covered the three. “Oof!” Two of the fillies attempted a jump over the table simultaneously, and slammed into each other at the table. “Are you sure this is working?” A white filly with an alternating pink and purple mane, asked. “I don’t see any parkour cutie marks appearing... not that I know what one looks like...” “Hmm...” A yellow foal with a large pink bowtie on her head winced and scratched her head. “Maybe just gotta try harder! Ah’ll git back to readin the book again!” “It’s no use, Apple Bloom,” an orange filly sighed. “We’ve been trying all day! That’s probably the longest we’ve ever gone crusading for our cutie marks...” “Ah know Scoot...” the bowtie filly replied. “But maybe that’s why we couldn’t git ‘em! Because we didn’t try hard ee’nuff!” “Apple Bloom’s right,” the white filly agreed. “We should probably try harder. Right, Scootaloo? Scootaloo?” “What’s going on down there?” Scootaloo wondered aloud. She stared into a window situated nearby a root protruding out of the tree house. “What’s Pinkie doing in the basement?” “What?” the other two foals said, confused. They both clambered to see what was going on inside the basement of the library. “The important question is, what’re they doin to yer sister, Sweetie Belle?” “What?” Sweetie Belle gasped in disbelief. “Since when was my sister into science?” She raised an eyebrow as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. “Step aside, Rarity,” Twilight spoke as she slipped a doctor’s mask on, which neatly covered her muzzle. “I’ve done very conclusive studies on Pinkius piecus, and I know exactly what you are experiencing.” “Which is, what exactly?” Rarity asked. Twilight rolled her eyes. Why was she working with such an unacquainted assistant? She bemoaned the fact that Spike couldn’t help her. Rather, that he could, but instead chose to sit in a dazed drooling state beside her as he ogled his crush, who was seemingly unaware of it all. Twilight sighed and tried a final time. “Spike, would you mind helping me with the analysis of the new assistant?” Spike gurgled in response. Twilight decided to continue without him. She decided to give a short lecture on the subject at hoof before proceeding with the experiment. “PPRS. Specifically, Pinkius Piecus Related Shock. It’s what happens when something random that Pinkius attempts baffles regular scientists, theorists, and pedestrians to the point where they lock up and fall to the floor in disbelief.” “Oh...” Rarity nodded unconvincingly, although Twilight payed no attention, already too wrapped in her own thoughts. “It’s a theory, and only select ponies tend to experience the symptoms. For instance, Applejack seems to have accepted Pinkius’s strange randomness, causing minimal damage to her sanity. You, on the other hand, seem to flail at the slightest thing she’s done. Most ponies fall somewhere in between these extremes.” “Well, unfortunately, its not that simple,” Rarity tried to explain. “And I personally find Applejack’s sanity questionable.” Again, Twilight disregarded Rarity’s quip, and returned to standard procedure. With such an untrained subject in the same room with her, she had to make sure she wouldn’t cause any trouble. “Rarity, I must warn you not to touch any of the buttons, knobs, switches, levers, or other equipment I have on my testing table. Pressing a single button could release these two potentially dangerous subjects into the town, and we do not want that.” She pointed to the testing table. Only a few of the buttons were lit up, and the levers and switches were labeled, however with a miniscule writing that only ants could possibly read. In the center of it all was a microphone, which protruded out of the table for Twilight to speak into. “How could Pinkie Pie possible damage-” Rarity suddenly realized the implications of the test. “Wait, two?” “We’ll see when the experiment commences.” Twilight, assured that Rarity had progressed to the more submissive stages of PPRS, turned away from her unicorn friend, and tapped a microphone twice with her hoof. “Pinkius, are you ready?” “Yeppie Deppie Twilightie Sparklie!” she grinned from inside the testing chamber, which was a large enclosed room just across from the table. “And your nickname for my name sure sounds funny!” “It’s not a nickname, Pinkius,” Twilight briefed, leaning into the built in microphone. “It’s your official binomial nomaneclature. It’s how all species of animal are classified. Now, the testing may commence.” Twilight pressed a button. A door within the test chamber slid open. “I’m going to KILL YOU, PINKIE!!!” An enraged Rainbow Dash charged into the room with an electric hair clipper gripped by her jaws, set at the highest power. “Is this part of the test?” Rarity asked, worried. “Of course, Rarity!” Twilight laughed. “It’s actually a part of two tests I’m conducting. I’m testing both Rainbowis dashcus’s ardorous memory, and Pinkius piecus’s supposed mane reproductive abilities.” Rarity scoffed at Twilight’s lack of support of her own firsthand account on all things Pinkius piecus related. When Rarity had traveled as fast as her hooves could carry her to the library, her account of all things Pinkie Pie mane related fell apart due to her lack of air to breathe. This also happened to revive Dashie’s latent memories, causing Twilight to once again forcibly remove her memory, to the horror of Rarity. And so, Twilight Sparkle, now in mad scientist mode, found it safe to assume Rarity was just having another regular PPRS. Although the diagnosis was completed and everything seemed to make sense (relatively), Twilight had yet to hear of this recent phenomena of Pinkie’s, and became eager to learn more of this possible behavior of piecus’s. The two unicorns then bribed Pinkie Pie into the laboratory with a trail of gummy worms and candy, which was standard procedure as per “The Official Guidebook to Tracking the Elusive Pinkius,” written by Twilight herself. From there, it wasn’t hard to convince Rainbow and Pinkie into entering the testing chamber. The whole while, Twilight was informing Rarity of her past studies on the two species, which was really getting annoying. “So far Rainbowis seems to be remembering disturbing events rather well.” “And why did you give her a hair trimmer? And stop calling her Rainbowis, or whatever you just said! Her name’s Rainbow Dash!” “I basically convinced Rainbowis dashcus that the only way to stop Pinkius is to shave off her mane, the source of her power,” Twilight said smugly, ignoring Rarity’s attempts to keep the conversation as understandable as possible. “That way, we can see if your rumors about her mane are true.” “And how did you manage this?” “Easy,” Twilight laughed, as though the answer were obvious. “Hypnotism works better than you think, Rarity. You should try it sometime!” Now thoroughly confused, Rarity shook her head. This was not what she had come here for. Spike sensed her growing befuddlement, which snapped him out of his trance, and tried to calm her. “Don’t worry, I’ve heard this about a thousand times now. You’ll get used to it,” Spike patted her on the back. Rarity felt relieved that she wasn’t the only sane person in the room. As a buzzing noise amplified within the chamber, both unicorns and Spike turned to watch the action unfold. “Take that, Pinkie’s mane!” Rainbow Dash hacked at Pinkie’s poofy mane, which rebounded. “Hehe! Dashie, you’re so random!” “I’m... not... RANDOM!” Dash screamed and hacked with each word. “I’m... trying... to... defeat... you... and your mane!” Within a few seconds, a whirlwind of rainbow and pink colors were swirling within the chamber, which was designed to hold only so much tension. “Are you sure this glass window will hold them back?” Rarity bit on her hooves, even more nervous. “Pinkius piecus has only done so much damage in the past,” Twilight commented. “However, Rainbowis is still a tricky specimen. I’m debating whether list her as elucid or keter threat level.” “She’s probably closer to keter,” Rarity replied, eyes glued to the test chamber. A single six inch thick reinforced window separated the test subjects and the scientists, or Twilight and Rarity, who stared as the one sided fighting escalated. As each subject became less and less visible under a grey and pink cloud, Twilight pressed another button, activating the filtration systems within the chamber. As the dust filtered away into one of twin fan powered shafts, one could barely glimpse a disembodied chainsaw swing towards Rainbowis as she dove in towards Pinkius’s tail, wielding a sword in each hoof. As the weapons collided, dashcus gasped as her blades were torn from her hooves, but barely consolidated in time to duck under another swing. She grabbed a hammer, and struck the chainsaw away, which exploded and coughed as smoke blocked the screen. “Hay! Rainbowis!” Twilight tapped the microphone, and speakers inside the chamber blared. “The hammer is off limits! Only use weapons that can cut her mane!” “I DON’T CARE!” Dashcus growled. “I’m GOING TO KILL HER!!!” “You’re such a laugh, dashcus!” Pinkie giggled as she loosely tossed around her friend’s species name. “This is the best prank ever!” “Rainbowis!” Twilight slammed a hoof on a table, pressing a multitude of unresponsive buttons as a result. “Don’t make me take that from you!” “Do that then!” the enraged pegasi roared. “I DON’T CARE!” Twilight simply pressed a button, and the hammer disintegrated within the chamber, dissolving into a pile of black soot in the enraged mare’s hooves. “NuuuuuuUUU!!!” Rainbowis dashcus screamed, and tore at her frizzly mane with her hooves. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!? WHY-” “You said you didn’t care,” Twilight quoted through the microphone, now in a condescending tone. “This insubordination is outrageous. Rainbowis dashcus, do you want cake or not?” “Grrr...” Rainbow Dash growled. Although she dearly wanted to be rid of that pink... evil... plot-spoiling... party monster... cake was probably more important. Probably. “Cake?” Rarity echoed faintly. Twilight nodded. “It’s another way that I convinced Rainbowis to not hurt Pinkie. At least, just her mane...” Then, she turned back to the glass screen. “Play by the rules, dashcus.” Pressing another button, which muted the speakers, Twilight suddenly began laughing. “Ahahahahaha!” she cried, chuckling as tears left her eyes. “What’s so funny?” Rarity asked. This whole experience was starting to confuse her more with each new development. “There... there is no cake,” Twilight stifled another giggle. “I’ve been lying to her the whole time!” Unable to control herself, she began to laugh hysterically again. Rarity closed her eyes and groaned. What was with her friends these days? First, Applejack acting all funny about her hat. Then, Twilight being such a... science geek. (Although it wasn’t as bad as she had imagined in the past, to be honest.) And now Rainbow Dash attempting pony-slaughter over ruining a plot of some silly book? All this was too much for Rarity to handle. She wondered why she hadn’t known about her friends’ secrets earlier. Perhaps her own personality had made her blind to their more quirky sides. Much of the time, she was too busy to notice. At least, most of them, except... Pinkie Pie. She had always known Pinkie to be a very strange and random pony. She just didn’t know that similar amounts of random had inhabited her friends as well. Perhaps it was Pinkie’s randomness that caused all of her friend’s to seem docile in comparison. Or perhaps she was the reason that they were going crazy in the first place... after all, she herself hadn’t spent much time around her... ugh, this whole debacle was giving her a headache. She just wanted to go back to the spa, perhaps with Fluttershy, and loosen up with a hooficure. As she opened her eyes, Rarity gasped as Rainbow snatched a pile of shurikens out of nowhere and proceeded to assault Pinkie’s mane with them. As the pink hair wavered and danced around the sharpened metal disks, a pink cloud began to once again fill the air. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked. “I thought the filtration systems were online.” Unbeknownst to either of the unicorns, the pink cloud was in fact solid, and was comprised of Pinkie’s hair, which began jamming both major turbines that were filtering the air. With no escape vent, the room quickly filled up with pink curls as Rainbow made more swipes at Pinkie with her hair trimmer. At some point the hair trimmer had become caught in her mane, and as a result, a waterfall of Pinkie’s mane began cascading down her head and onto the ground, and the testing room was soon stuffed. “Pinkie! Urk!” Rainbow coughed as more mane filled the room, pressing her, and squashing her as though a massive cotton candy machine had been turned on inside the testing chamber, producing pink cotton candy and pressing her to the window, which now began cracking to the pressure. “You cheated Pinkie!” Rainbow screamed, face pressed against the window, misting the normally clear glass. “You cheated!” Spike and Rarity watched in horror as the mane pressed her tighter and tighter onto the glass. The whole time, Twilight had been levitating a quill on parchment, inscribing words while whispering them to herself. “...dashcus’s ability to spawn various weapons out of the dimension of mid air is a dangerous one, one that should warrant a change in placement to keter level threat. On the other hoof, Pinkius’s mane grows back at an exceedingly dangerous speed, which could be classified as hirsutism, which is a medical sign that could possibly signal various diseases, or could simply be an increase in the production of androgen...” “Twilight?” Rarity squeaked. “Rainbow needs help... she’s trapped!” Rainbow pressed harder and harder against the glass, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen. The window began to crack. “Huh?” Twilight looked up at the glass, and then back down again. “...Although in the experience of the scientist in question, Pinkius has been found to maintain a similar hormonal composition as ponies around her, namely, all earth ponies, so a hormonal anomaly is out of question...” “Twilight?” Rarity was backing up now, with Spike, who began retreating up the stairs to the door. Larger cracks traveled up and down the window, and Rarity clenched her teeth, closed her eyes. This isn’t going to end well. “...in a final analysis, Pinkius piecus seems to react positively to Rainbowis, although dashcus seems to return a negative feedback constantly, although I suspect this has to do with her deeply antagonized past involving spoilers that threatened to-” Before Twilight could concoct more mad scientist terminology, five thousand pounds of Pinkie’s mane crashed through the window, burying the purple unicorn in an inescapable pile of curls and pink. Rainbowis dashcus and Pinkius piecus were nowhere to be seen. A massive dust cloud expanded quickly from the heap, blinding both Rarity and Spike as they watched on, terrified. “Twilight!” Spike and Rarity screamed, expressions of horror frozen on both faces. “We gotta help her!” Spike coughed violently, and turned to Rarity, who gulped. “But how?” “I’m not sure,” Rarity scrunched up her face, “I’ve never been buried in hair before.” “What about being buried in fabric?” Spike pleaded. “There’s got to be a way!” “Why, you’re right, Spike!” Rarity’s face lit up. “I have been trapped in fabric before... Spike, I will need a pair of scissors and a vacuum!” As Spike ran off, Rarity merely glanced back at the massive accumulation of hair with an intrigued expression. That was about to be a lot of fabric. Chapter 2: Haircuts and Memory Loss“Thank you so much for letting me borrow some of your mane, Pinkie!” “It’s no problem Rarity! You’re like one of my best friends anyways, so it doesn’t matter if you borrow some of my silly hairs!” She stifled another giggle. “Hold still now, Pinkie. This is a delicate process, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” Pinkie sat patiently on a stool as Rarity carefully plucked hairs from her poofy pink mane. Surprisingly, it was a difficult process, as each curl had overwhelmed the next, forming a dense, interlocking mesh of sorts that somehow stood up over her head. Rarity didn’t doubt that Pinkie would not be in the least bit of danger from being struck from above, assuming her mane held together. It would be a nightmare to even try to hack through the pink foliage with a sharpened katana. However, Rarity entertained the idea, and decided to ask Pinkie. “Also, I hope you wouldn’t mind if I stopped by along with you the next time you go to a get a trim!” Rarity said brightly, gliding another strand of pink mane through the air and around a small cardboard cylinder. After carefully wrapping the whole strand, she packed it along with the other various cylinders she had finished. Finally, seeing a sufficient number of Pinkie mane samples, she selected the first one. Hovering a needle towards her, she licked the first fibrous string before sliding it into the eye of the sewing point. “Oh, I don’t get my hair cut, silly!” Pinkie giggled. Rarity gagged, and spat. “Are you... suggesting that you’ve never... had your hair cut before?” Rarity whispered. She gagged again as she thought of all the years of Pinkie’s life... playing, partying, frolicking without a care in the world, rolling in mud, getting tangled in bushes, being bitten by her pet alligator Gummy... she had just licked Pinkie-old hairs. "Ya-huh. So?" “Bleh!” Rarity blehed. “That’s... just unsightly!” She grabbed Pinkie Pie’s hoof and dragged her off of her stool. She levitated her saddlebags, and slid them on. Then, with the determination of a proper lady, she strode out of her boutique, Pinkie in her hooves. “We are going to bring you to a hair salon this instant!” “Um, ok Rarity! Whatever you say!” Pinkie beamed. “Rarity, how lady-like for you to treat your young friend to our newest establishment in Ponyville!” an eager mare welcomed. Rarity had dragged her loquacious friend to the Mare’s Stable Salon, which was a new addition to the town. However, Rarity recognized the owner of the new store from her stop to Canterlot last year, when she had gone to promote her newest line of clothing. She had to find a place to have her own mane done that time, and she was the very same unicorn that had trimmed it for her. “It is nothing, really. It’s been a long time since she’s had her hair done,” Rarity professed. “And I thought perhaps we could avert this crime against fabulosity by bringing her here!” “And there’s no better option!” the mare agreed. Within minutes, Pinkie Pie was settled in a chair, the barber by her side. “Hmm,” she said, poking at the pink shrubbery that was her mane, “it looks like its been awhile since her last haircut.” “Indeed,” Rarity muttered, still trying to remove the taste of pony hairs from her tongue, “a long time.” “Indeed,” the barber scratched her ear with a hoof before pulling out her tools. “I believe that the top could use a snip... as well as the sides... hmm...” Before long, swathes of hair were under attack by a pair of glistening scissors. “Hmm...” the barber continued assaulting Pinkie’s mane, “interesting...” She soon brought out the main salvo of her offensive: the electric trimmer. With a determined face of a veteran coiffeur, she slashed and hacked at the brilliant bouncy hair. However, the mane seemed to only lash back, stubbornly puffing right back up to its original size. The barber took this as an insult, and snarled ferociously. The hair wasn’t going down without a fight, and neither was the haircutter. And so began a lengthy war between the two rivaling factions. Rarity, who had been spectating, began to step away, astounded by the ruthlessness of the barber who had delicately trimmed her own mane only a few months before. The sounds of metal upon mane and scissors against curls filled the room, and a dust cloud whirled up into the air, scattering tools and instruments as the battle escalated. Every now and then a saw-like noise sliced through the air, and a hammer banged harshly. The sounds of clashing swords and gunfire ricocheted throughout the salon, and Rarity herself had to bring up a metal tray with her magic to deflect the stray bullets that cut across. As soon as the fighting had begun, it had instantaneously stopped. All that remained was the chair and an exhausted barber. And Pinkie Pie. “I... think...” the barber panted, “I may... have... finished...” As the hairdresser collapsed onto the floor, the remains of her foe scattered throughout the floor in slowly dying curls, Rarity brought herself back into the present. Oh goddesses! She thought. I’ve killed her! She crawled her way over to her friend, who was still sitting in the chair. As the hair vacuum raised itself, it revealed Pinkie Pie, her smiling face, and... A completely undamaged mane. “Oh, that was fun! Can we do that again?” Pinkie Pie bounced across the floor as they entered the boutique. “Can we? Can we?” “I don’t know if they will be too willing to let you in next time,” Rarity said slowly. She had filled her saddlebags to the brim with Pinkie Pie’s mane, and had quietly snuck out of the salon while nopony was watching, leaving a generous tip at the accountant’s desk. Still, she had a sinking feeling in her gut that the barber had more than met her match. “Awww...” Pinkie moaned sadly. “I was hoping to do this more often! I didn’t know that getting a haircut was this much fun!” On fun, her bounce height increased exponentially for a split second. “I just... I don’t understand...” Rarity was still trying to grapple with the fact that Pinkie’s mane looked practically untouched. Untouched! Not one curl was out of place, and yet, her saddle bags were stuffed with it... “I need to try something...” Levitating a sharp cutter (which she saved usually for the thickest of woven wool) she slowly made her way to Pinkie Pie. “Now, I want you to be completely still...” she murmured, inching closer and closer. “Sure!” *snip* Rarity gasped as she watched the slice of Pinkie’s mane slowly drop to the floor inaudibly. It maintained the exact composure and structure as it had while attached to Pinkie’s head. Suddenly, she realized she forgot to pay attention to what was left of Pinkie’s mane, and as she looked up, she was just in time to see the rest of the hair revert back into its original shape. “It’s... impossible!” Rarity stammered, stepping back a few paces and dropping the wool cutter. “I’m not sure I follow,” Pinkie cocked her head, and scratched with a back hoof. “I just... I used a tool strictly for the use of cutting the thickest fabrics, and cut an entire section of your mane of...” A piece of Pinkie’s mane levitated up for Pinkie to see, and she giggled. “That’s really neat, Rarity! Cut a few more off and you’ll have yourself a complete replica!” Pinkie beamed. “But that’s... impossible!” Rarity stuttered. “It... it takes me months to g-grow out my mane, and you... you... it... she...” “Ya?” Pinkie leaned in, pressing. Rarity gave an exasperated sigh and slumped to the floor. “I... I don’t understand...” “Do ya still need me?” Pinkie asked, “you’re kinda acting funny...” “Just go...” Rarity mumbled. “I have what I need...” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie grinned, and hopped out of the boutique. Another loud thump brought Twilight Sparkle out of her book organizing. “Spike!” she hollered. “It wasn’t me this time, I swear!” Spike swallowed. If it was him, there would be no ice cream for a week. He cringed at the thought, and immediately began looking around for the cause of the sound, and made sure to stay as far away from it as possible. “No, I think it came from outside,” Twilight murmured, and slowly trotted her way to the window. Outside, a group of three fillies were attempting to hop over a wooden table, with varied results. On the table was the copy of “Novice’s Guide to Parkour” that she had lent to Rarity just a few hours ago. Twilight rolled her eyes, and giggled. “Of course Rarity wouldn’t be doing parkour...” she smiled, and returned to her book shelving. “Still... her and Pinkie... what are they doing...” “Hey Twilight,” Rainbow Dash yelled from the staircase. “I don’t know about you, but the newest Daring Do book was such a let down! I can’t believe they could get away like that... and Daring’s dad is such a mule to him!” “I know,” Twilight suppressed another grin. “I’m just glad you enjoyed it, is all.” “Yeah, well, it wasn’t that bad of a read,” Rainbow yawned, and began flipping through the pages again. “Just the end... It’s like deja vu, like I’ve read it somewhere before... I’m so confused...” “Uh, Twilight,” Spike said, sounding more anxious than usual. “I was just wondering...” Twilight groaned. “What is it?” she asked her assistant. “Well,” the dragon started, bringing his index claws together slowly, “let’s say you enjoyed a book so much that you decided to erase your memory of the ending. How would you keep track of how many times you’ve finished it?” Twilight laughed. “Silly Spike, that would defeat the purpose of using a memory erasing spell! You’re not supposed to remember anything, that way you can enjoy the story to it’s fullest, right?” “Right, it’s just that,” Spike wondered aloud, “does that mean you could have possibly spent entire weeks, or months, or years reading the same book over and over again?” Twilight paused, and then giggled again. “Nah, I would’ve noticed time going by. Or something.” Spike felt uneasy. For somepony who literally kept track of everything, this was a strange development in their relationship as assistant and... well, for lack of a better word, owner. Perhaps that was the reason she had kept returning to her old titles... she did have favorites, after all... but it was just... strange... And what if she used her memory spells on more than just readings? What if she had done that to Spike every time he had messed up? What if she had forced him to.... gulp... read something, and then erased his mind? He shook his head. These silly thoughts weren’t getting him anywhere. “Well... ok then...” he mumbled, and hurried back to dusting the covers of the constellations section of the bookcase. Meanwhile, a couple feet away, Dashie was skimming through the Daring Do book when something caught her eye. A bend on a specific page towards one of the last chapters of the book... what was it about it... Dashie’s eye glinted, and realization struck. The bend. Pinkie Pie. The plot ruined. Frustration and anger built up inside of her until she could no longer contain it, and her mouth opened to holler. “PINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEE-” Another bolt of light struck square at her temple, and she crashed onto the staircase, unconscious for at least the tenth time today. Twilight groaned as she finished casting the spell. “Wow, her memory never fails to daunt me. Spike, I’m pretty sure it’s the bent page that’s making her remember. Can you please try to smooth it out now?” “Alright,” Spike grumbled. “But I deserve a raise for all this trouble you’re putting me through.” “That’s not important,” Twilight moaned. “The important thing is that we need to stop Rainbow Dash from remembering! The memory spell is only for her to forget, and if I increase the power on the spell, it might cause her to forget everything! The only thing we can do is keep this up until she decides to leave or until everything is perfect.” “Ugh,” Spike groaned. “I don’t see why we could have just let her leave and get Pinkie... I mean, she kinda deserves it, for ruining the story for her.” “I don’t think Rainbow will treat her too kindly...” Twilight muttered. “As a reader of books myself, I know exactly what kind of backlash to expect from such a hateful crime.” “Hey Twily!” Twilight groaned. “What is it, Shining Armor?” she asked. “What’cha readin?” “Oh, the Hunger Games. I’m almost done with the second book!” “Well, Twily, I’ve finished the whole trilogy now!” “Well, don’t ruin anything for me, ok?” Twilight sat back down and concentrated on her reading. [Spoiler alert for those who have not read the book] [Close your eyes as you scroll down] “Oh, by the way, Primrose dies.” [Spoiler is over] Twilight’s prepubescent head swelled as the words registered in her brain. The fact that her own brother would do that to her... the sheer frustration that wracked her nerves sent her magic into overdrive. Shining Armor was hospitalized for two weeks. “Look, I’m sure it won’t be that bad...” Spike encouraged. “She’s not a powerful unicorn like you. Besides, you’re wasting time knocking Rainbow Dash out every time she remembers again.” “And energy,” Twilight groaned. “Ok, you’re right. I won’t knock her out unless she remembers that I was part of it... and that I tried multiple times to remove her memory...” “Uh, ok then...” Spike said finally, now more confused than before. “What are you guys talking about?” A voice mumbled from behind them. Twilight jumped in fright, and fired another bolt of magic, sending her friend sailing across the room. As Dash’s body landed again with a thud, Spike gave his owner a disapproving glance. “That... doesn’t count.”
Chapter 1: Hats and HeaddressesIt was a fine Equestrian morning. The sun had just begun to tip its brow over the clouds in the east, and yet, business was booming in the town square as shoppers strolled into the Sunday market, peddling for goods and services, and enjoying the beautiful weather. One such shopper was wearing a breathtaking headdress on this wonderful occasion, outfitted with the tail feathers of a peacock, which were delicately sewn into the handiwork that was the patron’s own design. A slight breeze passed through the stalls, and the bright azure-sage peacock feathers fluttered gently. Carefully, she adjusted the hat, before continuing on her way. Two stalls away, another mare had also been shifting her hat. This one, however, had been made with rough leather, and had been patched a multitude of times. Although not entirely mundane, many a pony had already become accustomed to the apple farmer’s attire. It contained much historical value, as it had once belonged to generations long past. It also had been designed for practical uses, such as blocking the rays of the sun during noon time, when she was most likely to be bucking appletrees. Today, however, was not one of those days. No, today was the day that she would be selling her hard-earned apples. And what a fine day to be doing so! The sun was not too hot, the air was slightly humid, but not wet, and the breeze... the breeze was fantastic! As if to complement the sublime climate, the mare with her fashionable headdress stepped out in front of the stall, letting all admire the spectacular sight that was her hat. The apple seller poked her head out from behind her selling point and whistled. “Why, in mah time I haven’t seen anything quite as fancy as that doohickey ya got there on yer head, Rarity!” The shopper turned her head quickly, although not so fast as to lose control of her lovely coiffure, and spotted the mare that had spoken to her. Recognizing her, she considered barking at her friend, telling her that it was not a doohickey but rather a fabulous new headdress, but then considered the uncouthness of such a derision, and instead smiled politely, and replied with grace. “Why thank you Applejack!” she sang in a voice that one could liken a bird’s, and trotted over to her friend. “It’s my latest design!” “And what a design it is!” Applejack eyed the feathers that protruded from the lavender surface. “Sure seems rather fancy for all that it does.” Rarity ignored the remark, and tried to reignite friendly conversation. “So what are you up to this fine morning?” Applejack face hooved, and then pointed to her stall. “Ah.” Rarity coughed, and proceeded to adjust her hat again. “Rarity, I should be askin you: why’re you here, of all places?” Applejack asked. “Can’t just be for totin around that hat of yers.” Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “Well, if you must know,” she said. “I am currently on my way to Twilight’s library to pick up some books for Sweetie Belle on... parkour.” She said the last word through gritted teeth. Applejack nodded. “Yah, I hear ya. Last night Apple Bloom was tellin me all about their next big idea...” On idea, she rolled her eyes. “I can’t wait to see how long that will last,” Rarity said with little enthusiasm. “I don’t see why they could be cutie mark bakers, or something of the sort. Something less rough and tumble...” “Well, for one, ah don’t really care so much for their antics as long as none of them git hurt,” Applejack turned her eyes back to her stall, where she had yet to make a sale. Another breeze wafted up, and passed through the stalls. It moved along until it had reached a certain headdress with a certain amount of feathers on it, and decided to take it with itself on its journey through the market. Rarity’s sensitive hooves were trained for this, though, and she deftly snatched her hat back with a vengeance. The breeze surrendered its hostage, and carried on listlessly. With a snort, she tipped her headdress back on, found it to be lopsided, and redressed it again. “So...” Applejack scrutinized the hat again. “What does that thing do again, other than get caught in the wind?” “Darling, what in Equestria are you talking about?” Rarity recognized a mare influent in the language of fabulosity when she saw one, and had come prepared with a speech to educate her naive lessers when the time came. “Fashion is not about doing. It is about showing.” “And... what’s that supposed to mean?” the apple seller’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Mah hat don’t show nuthin. What it does is keep the sun outta mah eyes!” “Oh, but that can’t be the only reason you carry that piece of leather on your mane with you all the time!” Rarity retorted. Applejack frowned at her friend’s remark towards her family heirloom. “There must be an ulterior motive, a reason behind you keeping it with you all the time!” “Well, that’s not important...” even as she talked, Applejack began to reminisce about her hat’s predecessor. Shaking her head, she reminded herself not to think about him when Rarity drove the point home. “Of course it is! Why else would you stay with that... thing, when you could have something as extravagant as this?” And with that comment, Rarity struck a chord. Despite all her attempts to remain as polite as possible, nopony could possibly ever grief Applejack the way Rarity just had. “Why you... don’t you go insultin mah hat like that!” Applejack growled, “it was mah papa’s!” “I did nothing of the sort!” Rarity retaliated, shocked at Applejack’s implications. “I was simply saying that you should embrace the possibility of finding a new accessory for your mane! I was not spitting on your father’s image...” “Of all ponies, Rarity, I wouldn’t have imagined it from you! He was uh good stallion Rarity! A good stallion! Ya hear me? A good stallion!” Rarity was now confused. “I... uh... erm... what?” But Applejack would hear none of it. She began to sputter and stammer, and soon forgot her friend was even there. “...he was NOT a drunk! Apple Bloom was NOT a mistake! He... he... he was simply experimentin and tinkerin with new recipes for cider, and everypony should GIT off his back, because he is not...” As her ranting slurred into half-sobs and trailing words, the fashionista decided it was better to let her friend calm herself down before interacting with her again. “Good, Spike. We only need to finish the Astronomy of Comets section, and then we can take the books out and dust them again!” Twilight paced phlegmatically across the floor. “Sound good?” “Sounds great,” the purple dragon muttered. “But can RD and Pinkie Pie please help? They’re just sitting there reading!” A pony with poofy, curly, pink unkempt hair was sitting behind another pony with a similarly unkempt rainbow maned mare, who had been sitting on a staircase, reading the newest installment of Daring Do: The Legend of the Lost Zebra. “Yeah, yeah, after I’m done with this chapter.” Her eyes scanned the pages, going from the left to right, then sliding over a line down to the left, and heading right again, in a quick, voracious manner, intending to finish the chapter as soon as she could to learn how Daring Do could possibly escape this next elaborate trap. Somehow, her reading intensity made it so that she did not notice that her pink friend had been behind her until her face was on the page she was trying to read. “Hello!” “Wha... Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash slammed the book shut, and Pinkie maintained an innocent, playful smile. “You know I hate it when you’re reading over my shoulder! Not cool, dude!” “Hey!” Pinkie’s smile quickly turned into a frowny face of unknown proportions. “I was just at the part where Daring finds the secret trap door! Why did you close the-” Unbeknownst to Pinkie Pie, she had just given away the ending to the story. Rainbow Dash froze up for a few seconds, and her left eye twitched. “Uh... Dashie?” “PINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Rainbow yelled at the top of her lungs, frustrated that her best friend had ruined the plot. “YOU RUINED THE BOOK!!” “Not really,” Pinkie’s frown now became more of an innocent filly’s. “its still in pretty good reading condition. I don’t see any tears or holes or bends in the page. Except for the one that you made when you slammed the book.” She pointed to the bend on the page with a hoof. “I mean, you gave away the ending!” Rainbow groaned. “No I didn’t!” Pinkie’s frown became a pout. “I didn’t even tell you the part where Daring Do meets up with her long lost father and they make their way back to Barn College while being attacked by giant ferocious cats with bi-planes!” Rainbow’s head was about to explode off of her neck. Steam shot out from her ears, and her hair threatened to burst into flames. She leaped into the air, legs stretched as far out as possible and a conflagration lit her mane and tail to flames, wings splayed out threateningly. “Wow,” Pinkie commented as the heat radiated around the room. “The only other pony I’ve ever seen do that is Twilight!” “Me too,” Spike said in awe, watching the spectacle unfold. Rainbow Dash’s eyes rolled into her head, and the fire dissipated as quickly as it had spawned. Falling onto the floor, she croaked softly. “It’s useless...” “You’re such an egghead, Dashie!” Pinkie giggled. “C’mon, it’s just a book!” “Just a book?” Dash repeated, incredulously. “JUST A BOOK?” She tackled Pinkie to the floor. “It was the second last chapter of the newest book of Daring Do! DARING DO! How could you do this to me? And you’ve ruined it!” Although Spike and Pinkie had no idea what had befallen their faithful friend, Twilight herself had experienced moments such as these, when the ending of a book should not have been so blatantly stated in public, but had, ruining the enjoyment of a reader’s lifetime, and found herself compelled to step in in this emergency situation. “Girls, girls!” she repeated sternly. “Just... calm down. RD, you’re gonna be ok!” With that, she stood up tall, and pointed her horn at RD’s head. A shiny blaze of light emerged from the tip, and connected with between Dash’s eyes. *KAZAM!!* Her body fell off of Pinkie’s, and Pinkie stood up. “WHAT THE HAY?!?” Spike yelled. Dash’s eyes rolled around for a second, then realigned as she shook her head. “Ugh... what just happened? I was reading, and then...” “You were reading a Daring Do novel,” Twilight said quickly, but calmly. “And you were almost done with the chapter-” “Well, actually,” Pinkie interrupted, “I just ruined the Daring Do book for you by telling you she finds the trap door that lets her get away from all of the bad guys and then I ruined the rest of the story by telling you that she meets up with her long lost father and they go back to the college she works at while being chased by bad guys and then you go all super fiery Ponyta on us and then you tackled me to the ground like this!” Pinkie Pie threw herself into the air, and then was struck to the ground by an invisible force, and she began clutching her neck forcefully, and tried to gulp breaths of air, with no noticeable effect... Twilight planted a hoof onto her forehead. “Uh, Pinkie,” Spike put a claw to his mouth, deep in thought. “I don’t think you were being choked.” “Oh, right!” Pinkie giggled. “I was just doing that for cinematic effect!” What the other ponies failed to notice, however, was RD’s swelling head. Steam once again shot out from her ears, and she leaped into the air, legs stretched out, a pyre lighting her mane and tail on fire. “PINKIE!!!! I’M GOING TO-” Before she could set anypony on fire, however, another beam of light struck her between the eyes. She fell out of her suspended fiery flight, and hit the floor with a CRASH! “Holy Guacamole!” Spike yelled. “Pinkie!” Twilight grabbed her pink friend’s head. “You can’t tell her anything...” Dash was already beginning to stir again. “What’s... going on...” she slurred. Twilight brought Pinkie and Spike into a tight huddle. “Pinkie, Spike, I wiped all of her memories from the last minute. Please don’t do anything. Don’t tell her-” “Wait, you wiped her memory?!?” Spike whispered back intensely. “Why would you do that?!?” “It was the only way!” Twilight hissed. “How else can I keep from spoiling the ending to the story? If she doesn’t know anything that happened in the last minute, then Pinkie never spoiled the ending of the chapter for her!” “Ah...” Spike nodded slowly, and then paused. “That’s genius!” “I know,” Twilight grinned, “I do that to myself sometimes when I really enjoy the endings to some of the better novels.” “Wait... then...” Spike was absorbed in his own thoughts suddenly, and his words drifted away. “Urg!” Twilight gave up on her assistant, and turned to Pinkie. “Ok, Pinkie Promise that you won’t tell Rainbow Dash anything that just happened?” “Sure!” Pinkie, who had surprisingly been quiet in the huddle (although that probably had to do with playing along with the whole secret huddle thing), went through the motions of a pinkie promise, and finished it off by plunging her hoof into her eye, and then pulling it out. “Done!” She beamed. The three left their huddle and turned to see a very confused Dash. “Hey guys, why’re you all huddled with each other and stuff?” “Oh! Um,” Twilight’s eyes shifted from left to right, then back to left, which was customary for all readers, but only if they were reading, which Twilight was not. “You were reading... and then you fell asleep.” “I was?” Dash scratched her head. “I could’ve sworn I was trying to get revenge for something...” “Oh, no no no no no no no,” Pinkie smiled, “You were definitely reading. Yes. You were.” The three looked at each other, and then to Dashie, and then to each other again, and then burst into laughter. “Seriously guys,” Rainbow chuckled along nervously. “If this is a prank, then ya got me.” “Oh, it’s a prank alright!” Spike giggled. Pinkie Pie fell onto her back, tossing her legs into the air with abandon, giggle-snorting all the while. “Hmm hmm. Ok then. Girls, would you mind helping me pick up-” Twilight was interrupted by the door swinging open, and the sound of hooves on wood. “Good morning, everypony. I am here to-” “Rarity!” Pinkie squealed. “You won’t believe what just happened!” As Pinkie tackled Rarity to the floor, Dash continued to look on with a befuddled expression. “This is... am I... what?” Rainbow murmured. Spike leaned over to Twilight and whispered into her ear. “Hey, Twilight, are you sure it was a good idea to erase her memory? She’s acting all funny.” “It was for the greater good,” Twilight whispered back. “Nothing is more evil than ruining the plot of a story.” “Nothing!” Daring Do pressed her neck against the rope that had been binding her to the wall. Struggling, she could barely even shift her hooves around. “Nnngh! Ahuitzotl, you won’t get away with this!” “Oh, but I already have...” the strange blue ape-monkey menace approached his rival. He let out a long, rancorous laugh that echoed in the dimly lit hall. “And now, to perform the greatest evil that has ever befallen the world of Equestria,” he took two dramatic steps back. “No!” Daring’s irises grew wide as she realized what he was going to do. “Ruining every plot twist in existence!” He let out another evil laugh, and Daring screamed. “NO!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THIS!!! AHUITZOTL!!!!” Ahuitzotl took a deep breath, and then let it loose. “Snape kills Dumbled-” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-” [Many Spoilers Later] “-rose bud is the sled, there is a District 13, and GlaDOS is Caroline’s essence trapped in a robot body.” “-OOOOOOOOOOO...” Daring could only whimper as the the last words penetrated her mind, and she succumbed, losing all remaining facets of curiosity, imagination, and hope. With an evil, gargantuan laugh, Ahuitzotl took his leave. “Excuse me, Twilight, but could you help me find the Novice’s Guide to Parkour?” Twilight shook herself out of her stupor. “Of course, Rarity!” she immediately ran through the Derpy Decimal System. “Hmm... would it be under Applied Sciences or Recreation?” She finally decided on recreation, and slid down to the 700’s section. From there it was a simple matter of going through the alphabetical order (a skill she had often neglected, at least, until Pinkie Pie insisted that it was how she located her books) to find the requested title. “Found it,” she muttered, still trying to remove the last thoughts of the imaginary Daring episode out of her mind, and slid it out of the bookcase. “Here you go, Rarity...” Rarity was still on the floor, and Pinkie Pie was still on top of her, rapid-fire-talking to explain the whole situation of what had happened (although just out of earshot of Rainbow Dash, who was being tended to by Spike). This was certainly uncomfortable for the fashionista, who was busy trying to detach herself from her bubbly, bouncy pink friend. “...and then Twilight was all like *KAZAM* and then Dashie fell over and then its basically like I never told her anything about the ending of the Daring Do book! It’s so amazing an-” “Now, Pinkie, could you please remove yourself from me? Please?” It seemed to get her attention, as the voluble pony stopped chattering, and cocked her head. “Oh! I’m sorry Rarity!” She hopped off of her friend, who proceeded to dust herself off. “Pinkie... I don’t understand why you need to be so.... loquacious all the time!” She focused on her horn, and her hat brought itself back onto her head, a bluish glow surrounding it temporarily. “Now the feathers are all... ruffled. Oh!” With a groan, she attempted to fix the hat, tipping it this way and that, and poking at it with tendrils of magic. Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Loki what?” Twilight coughed. “Loquacious. It means talkative, excessively communicative, etc... Basically you in a nutshell.” Pinkie seemed to consider the word for a beat. “So... you’re saying it’s bad for me to be myself?” Rarity shook her head. “No, darling, but you sometimes need to learn to calm yourself down...” She continued brushing herself off, pruning, and realized that there were still curls of Pinkie’s mane trapped in her hair. “And you should comb your hair... It’s so messy, bouncy... and soft... and... fluffy...” Her eyes widened. Bouncy... soft... fluffy... it was too good to be true. She shook her head and stared at the wispy curls on her hoof. “Um, Rarity?” Twilight asked, but she had lost her. Why... this was quality fabric material! The softness, the comfortable touch it provided, the sheer excitement of each strand... It was impossible, and yet... It was amazing! Rarity hovered over to Pinkie’s mane, and stuck a hoof deep in. Gasping, she found it just as she had expected... soft... strange... warm... but very, very quality indeed! She ran through her current inventory in her mind: She had linen and cotton for much absorbency and comfort, less static build-up and better dyeability, and silk for luster, luxury and comfort. Wool gave warmth, increased absorbency, increased shape retention and wrinkle recovery. Camel and Cashmere also for warmth warmth, luxury, improved drape ability, soft smooth texture. Acrylic for improved softness, wool-like qualities. Rayon for lower cost fabric with better absorbency, lower static build-up and added luster. Nylon for increased strength, abrasion resistance, wrinkle resistance and lower cost. Acetate for improved drapes ability, more luster and shine and lower cost. Polyester for wash and wear qualities, wrinkle resistance, shape retention, durability and is a lower cost fabric. Spandex for comfort and elasticity. As she repeated her selection through her mind, she realized: Pinkie- rather, her mane, had all of the qualities that were needed: it was absorbent, long, comfortable, warming, had luster, shine, very strong, retained the strong curls... it was everything a fashionista needed for the perfect fabric! A bright lightbulb emanated from the top of her head, and light up suddenly as her eyelids raised, her mouth curved into a brilliant smile. “IDEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!” “Oh! An idea!” Pinkie grinned. Then she scratched her head with a hind hoof like a dog. “What kind of idea?” “A FABULOUS IDEA!!!” Rarity squealed. “And I’ll need you to help me the whole way through!” “Okie dokie Rarity Darity!” Pinkie beamed. “Let’s go!” Before Twilight and Spike knew what was going on, two ponies had left the treehouse that was her library. “Um...” Dash asked, “what just happened?” “I’m even less sure than before...” Twilight muttered. “First a book on parkour, now hanging out with Pinkie? It doesn’t seem very Rarity-like.” “Yeah!” Spike growled. “Why would she pick Pinkie over me?” After a passing thought, Twilight dismissed with the wave of a hoof. “It’s probably nothing. Oh, and by the way, Dashie, that’s not how you read a book.”
Chapter 3: Official Analysis of Pinkius PiecusA trio of fillies continued to hop around the picnic table behind Twilight’s library. They had been doing the same activity in the yard for a few hours now, as instructed by her books on parkour, but none of them seemed to be getting any better at it, judging from the various bruises, cuts and bumps that had now covered the three. “Oof!” Two of the fillies attempted a jump over the table simultaneously, and slammed into each other at the table. “Are you sure this is working?” A white filly with an alternating pink and purple mane, asked. “I don’t see any parkour cutie marks appearing... not that I know what one looks like...” “Hmm...” A yellow foal with a large pink bowtie on her head winced and scratched her head. “Maybe just gotta try harder! Ah’ll git back to readin the book again!” “It’s no use, Apple Bloom,” an orange filly sighed. “We’ve been trying all day! That’s probably the longest we’ve ever gone crusading for our cutie marks...” “Ah know Scoot...” the bowtie filly replied. “But maybe that’s why we couldn’t git ‘em! Because we didn’t try hard ee’nuff!” “Apple Bloom’s right,” the white filly agreed. “We should probably try harder. Right, Scootaloo? Scootaloo?” “What’s going on down there?” Scootaloo wondered aloud. She stared into a window situated nearby a root protruding out of the tree house. “What’s Pinkie doing in the basement?” “What?” the other two foals said, confused. They both clambered to see what was going on inside the basement of the library. “The important question is, what’re they doin to yer sister, Sweetie Belle?” “What?” Sweetie Belle gasped in disbelief. “Since when was my sister into science?” She raised an eyebrow as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. “Step aside, Rarity,” Twilight spoke as she slipped a doctor’s mask on, which neatly covered her muzzle. “I’ve done very conclusive studies on Pinkius piecus, and I know exactly what you are experiencing.” “Which is, what exactly?” Rarity asked. Twilight rolled her eyes. Why was she working with such an unacquainted assistant? She bemoaned the fact that Spike couldn’t help her. Rather, that he could, but instead chose to sit in a dazed drooling state beside her as he ogled his crush, who was seemingly unaware of it all. Twilight sighed and tried a final time. “Spike, would you mind helping me with the analysis of the new assistant?” Spike gurgled in response. Twilight decided to continue without him. She decided to give a short lecture on the subject at hoof before proceeding with the experiment. “PPRS. Specifically, Pinkius Piecus Related Shock. It’s what happens when something random that Pinkius attempts baffles regular scientists, theorists, and pedestrians to the point where they lock up and fall to the floor in disbelief.” “Oh...” Rarity nodded unconvincingly, although Twilight payed no attention, already too wrapped in her own thoughts. “It’s a theory, and only select ponies tend to experience the symptoms. For instance, Applejack seems to have accepted Pinkius’s strange randomness, causing minimal damage to her sanity. You, on the other hand, seem to flail at the slightest thing she’s done. Most ponies fall somewhere in between these extremes.” “Well, unfortunately, its not that simple,” Rarity tried to explain. “And I personally find Applejack’s sanity questionable.” Again, Twilight disregarded Rarity’s quip, and returned to standard procedure. With such an untrained subject in the same room with her, she had to make sure she wouldn’t cause any trouble. “Rarity, I must warn you not to touch any of the buttons, knobs, switches, levers, or other equipment I have on my testing table. Pressing a single button could release these two potentially dangerous subjects into the town, and we do not want that.” She pointed to the testing table. Only a few of the buttons were lit up, and the levers and switches were labeled, however with a miniscule writing that only ants could possibly read. In the center of it all was a microphone, which protruded out of the table for Twilight to speak into. “How could Pinkie Pie possible damage-” Rarity suddenly realized the implications of the test. “Wait, two?” “We’ll see when the experiment commences.” Twilight, assured that Rarity had progressed to the more submissive stages of PPRS, turned away from her unicorn friend, and tapped a microphone twice with her hoof. “Pinkius, are you ready?” “Yeppie Deppie Twilightie Sparklie!” she grinned from inside the testing chamber, which was a large enclosed room just across from the table. “And your nickname for my name sure sounds funny!” “It’s not a nickname, Pinkius,” Twilight briefed, leaning into the built in microphone. “It’s your official binomial nomaneclature. It’s how all species of animal are classified. Now, the testing may commence.” Twilight pressed a button. A door within the test chamber slid open. “I’m going to KILL YOU, PINKIE!!!” An enraged Rainbow Dash charged into the room with an electric hair clipper gripped by her jaws, set at the highest power. “Is this part of the test?” Rarity asked, worried. “Of course, Rarity!” Twilight laughed. “It’s actually a part of two tests I’m conducting. I’m testing both Rainbowis dashcus’s ardorous memory, and Pinkius piecus’s supposed mane reproductive abilities.” Rarity scoffed at Twilight’s lack of support of her own firsthand account on all things Pinkius piecus related. When Rarity had traveled as fast as her hooves could carry her to the library, her account of all things Pinkie Pie mane related fell apart due to her lack of air to breathe. This also happened to revive Dashie’s latent memories, causing Twilight to once again forcibly remove her memory, to the horror of Rarity. And so, Twilight Sparkle, now in mad scientist mode, found it safe to assume Rarity was just having another regular PPRS. Although the diagnosis was completed and everything seemed to make sense (relatively), Twilight had yet to hear of this recent phenomena of Pinkie’s, and became eager to learn more of this possible behavior of piecus’s. The two unicorns then bribed Pinkie Pie into the laboratory with a trail of gummy worms and candy, which was standard procedure as per “The Official Guidebook to Tracking the Elusive Pinkius,” written by Twilight herself. From there, it wasn’t hard to convince Rainbow and Pinkie into entering the testing chamber. The whole while, Twilight was informing Rarity of her past studies on the two species, which was really getting annoying. “So far Rainbowis seems to be remembering disturbing events rather well.” “And why did you give her a hair trimmer? And stop calling her Rainbowis, or whatever you just said! Her name’s Rainbow Dash!” “I basically convinced Rainbowis dashcus that the only way to stop Pinkius is to shave off her mane, the source of her power,” Twilight said smugly, ignoring Rarity’s attempts to keep the conversation as understandable as possible. “That way, we can see if your rumors about her mane are true.” “And how did you manage this?” “Easy,” Twilight laughed, as though the answer were obvious. “Hypnotism works better than you think, Rarity. You should try it sometime!” Now thoroughly confused, Rarity shook her head. This was not what she had come here for. Spike sensed her growing befuddlement, which snapped him out of his trance, and tried to calm her. “Don’t worry, I’ve heard this about a thousand times now. You’ll get used to it,” Spike patted her on the back. Rarity felt relieved that she wasn’t the only sane person in the room. As a buzzing noise amplified within the chamber, both unicorns and Spike turned to watch the action unfold. “Take that, Pinkie’s mane!” Rainbow Dash hacked at Pinkie’s poofy mane, which rebounded. “Hehe! Dashie, you’re so random!” “I’m... not... RANDOM!” Dash screamed and hacked with each word. “I’m... trying... to... defeat... you... and your mane!” Within a few seconds, a whirlwind of rainbow and pink colors were swirling within the chamber, which was designed to hold only so much tension. “Are you sure this glass window will hold them back?” Rarity bit on her hooves, even more nervous. “Pinkius piecus has only done so much damage in the past,” Twilight commented. “However, Rainbowis is still a tricky specimen. I’m debating whether list her as elucid or keter threat level.” “She’s probably closer to keter,” Rarity replied, eyes glued to the test chamber. A single six inch thick reinforced window separated the test subjects and the scientists, or Twilight and Rarity, who stared as the one sided fighting escalated. As each subject became less and less visible under a grey and pink cloud, Twilight pressed another button, activating the filtration systems within the chamber. As the dust filtered away into one of twin fan powered shafts, one could barely glimpse a disembodied chainsaw swing towards Rainbowis as she dove in towards Pinkius’s tail, wielding a sword in each hoof. As the weapons collided, dashcus gasped as her blades were torn from her hooves, but barely consolidated in time to duck under another swing. She grabbed a hammer, and struck the chainsaw away, which exploded and coughed as smoke blocked the screen. “Hay! Rainbowis!” Twilight tapped the microphone, and speakers inside the chamber blared. “The hammer is off limits! Only use weapons that can cut her mane!” “I DON’T CARE!” Dashcus growled. “I’m GOING TO KILL HER!!!” “You’re such a laugh, dashcus!” Pinkie giggled as she loosely tossed around her friend’s species name. “This is the best prank ever!” “Rainbowis!” Twilight slammed a hoof on a table, pressing a multitude of unresponsive buttons as a result. “Don’t make me take that from you!” “Do that then!” the enraged pegasi roared. “I DON’T CARE!” Twilight simply pressed a button, and the hammer disintegrated within the chamber, dissolving into a pile of black soot in the enraged mare’s hooves. “NuuuuuuUUU!!!” Rainbowis dashcus screamed, and tore at her frizzly mane with her hooves. “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!? WHY-” “You said you didn’t care,” Twilight quoted through the microphone, now in a condescending tone. “This insubordination is outrageous. Rainbowis dashcus, do you want cake or not?” “Grrr...” Rainbow Dash growled. Although she dearly wanted to be rid of that pink... evil... plot-spoiling... party monster... cake was probably more important. Probably. “Cake?” Rarity echoed faintly. Twilight nodded. “It’s another way that I convinced Rainbowis to not hurt Pinkie. At least, just her mane...” Then, she turned back to the glass screen. “Play by the rules, dashcus.” Pressing another button, which muted the speakers, Twilight suddenly began laughing. “Ahahahahaha!” she cried, chuckling as tears left her eyes. “What’s so funny?” Rarity asked. This whole experience was starting to confuse her more with each new development. “There... there is no cake,” Twilight stifled another giggle. “I’ve been lying to her the whole time!” Unable to control herself, she began to laugh hysterically again. Rarity closed her eyes and groaned. What was with her friends these days? First, Applejack acting all funny about her hat. Then, Twilight being such a... science geek. (Although it wasn’t as bad as she had imagined in the past, to be honest.) And now Rainbow Dash attempting pony-slaughter over ruining a plot of some silly book? All this was too much for Rarity to handle. She wondered why she hadn’t known about her friends’ secrets earlier. Perhaps her own personality had made her blind to their more quirky sides. Much of the time, she was too busy to notice. At least, most of them, except... Pinkie Pie. She had always known Pinkie to be a very strange and random pony. She just didn’t know that similar amounts of random had inhabited her friends as well. Perhaps it was Pinkie’s randomness that caused all of her friend’s to seem docile in comparison. Or perhaps she was the reason that they were going crazy in the first place... after all, she herself hadn’t spent much time around her... ugh, this whole debacle was giving her a headache. She just wanted to go back to the spa, perhaps with Fluttershy, and loosen up with a hooficure. As she opened her eyes, Rarity gasped as Rainbow snatched a pile of shurikens out of nowhere and proceeded to assault Pinkie’s mane with them. As the pink hair wavered and danced around the sharpened metal disks, a pink cloud began to once again fill the air. “What’s going on?” Twilight asked. “I thought the filtration systems were online.” Unbeknownst to either of the unicorns, the pink cloud was in fact solid, and was comprised of Pinkie’s hair, which began jamming both major turbines that were filtering the air. With no escape vent, the room quickly filled up with pink curls as Rainbow made more swipes at Pinkie with her hair trimmer. At some point the hair trimmer had become caught in her mane, and as a result, a waterfall of Pinkie’s mane began cascading down her head and onto the ground, and the testing room was soon stuffed. “Pinkie! Urk!” Rainbow coughed as more mane filled the room, pressing her, and squashing her as though a massive cotton candy machine had been turned on inside the testing chamber, producing pink cotton candy and pressing her to the window, which now began cracking to the pressure. “You cheated Pinkie!” Rainbow screamed, face pressed against the window, misting the normally clear glass. “You cheated!” Spike and Rarity watched in horror as the mane pressed her tighter and tighter onto the glass. The whole time, Twilight had been levitating a quill on parchment, inscribing words while whispering them to herself. “...dashcus’s ability to spawn various weapons out of the dimension of mid air is a dangerous one, one that should warrant a change in placement to keter level threat. On the other hoof, Pinkius’s mane grows back at an exceedingly dangerous speed, which could be classified as hirsutism, which is a medical sign that could possibly signal various diseases, or could simply be an increase in the production of androgen...” “Twilight?” Rarity squeaked. “Rainbow needs help... she’s trapped!” Rainbow pressed harder and harder against the glass, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen. The window began to crack. “Huh?” Twilight looked up at the glass, and then back down again. “...Although in the experience of the scientist in question, Pinkius has been found to maintain a similar hormonal composition as ponies around her, namely, all earth ponies, so a hormonal anomaly is out of question...” “Twilight?” Rarity was backing up now, with Spike, who began retreating up the stairs to the door. Larger cracks traveled up and down the window, and Rarity clenched her teeth, closed her eyes. This isn’t going to end well. “...in a final analysis, Pinkius piecus seems to react positively to Rainbowis, although dashcus seems to return a negative feedback constantly, although I suspect this has to do with her deeply antagonized past involving spoilers that threatened to-” Before Twilight could concoct more mad scientist terminology, five thousand pounds of Pinkie’s mane crashed through the window, burying the purple unicorn in an inescapable pile of curls and pink. Rainbowis dashcus and Pinkius piecus were nowhere to be seen. A massive dust cloud expanded quickly from the heap, blinding both Rarity and Spike as they watched on, terrified. “Twilight!” Spike and Rarity screamed, expressions of horror frozen on both faces. “We gotta help her!” Spike coughed violently, and turned to Rarity, who gulped. “But how?” “I’m not sure,” Rarity scrunched up her face, “I’ve never been buried in hair before.” “What about being buried in fabric?” Spike pleaded. “There’s got to be a way!” “Why, you’re right, Spike!” Rarity’s face lit up. “I have been trapped in fabric before... Spike, I will need a pair of scissors and a vacuum!” As Spike ran off, Rarity merely glanced back at the massive accumulation of hair with an intrigued expression. That was about to be a lot of fabric.
Chapter 2: Haircuts and Memory Loss“Thank you so much for letting me borrow some of your mane, Pinkie!” “It’s no problem Rarity! You’re like one of my best friends anyways, so it doesn’t matter if you borrow some of my silly hairs!” She stifled another giggle. “Hold still now, Pinkie. This is a delicate process, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” Pinkie sat patiently on a stool as Rarity carefully plucked hairs from her poofy pink mane. Surprisingly, it was a difficult process, as each curl had overwhelmed the next, forming a dense, interlocking mesh of sorts that somehow stood up over her head. Rarity didn’t doubt that Pinkie would not be in the least bit of danger from being struck from above, assuming her mane held together. It would be a nightmare to even try to hack through the pink foliage with a sharpened katana. However, Rarity entertained the idea, and decided to ask Pinkie. “Also, I hope you wouldn’t mind if I stopped by along with you the next time you go to a get a trim!” Rarity said brightly, gliding another strand of pink mane through the air and around a small cardboard cylinder. After carefully wrapping the whole strand, she packed it along with the other various cylinders she had finished. Finally, seeing a sufficient number of Pinkie mane samples, she selected the first one. Hovering a needle towards her, she licked the first fibrous string before sliding it into the eye of the sewing point. “Oh, I don’t get my hair cut, silly!” Pinkie giggled. Rarity gagged, and spat. “Are you... suggesting that you’ve never... had your hair cut before?” Rarity whispered. She gagged again as she thought of all the years of Pinkie’s life... playing, partying, frolicking without a care in the world, rolling in mud, getting tangled in bushes, being bitten by her pet alligator Gummy... she had just licked Pinkie-old hairs. "Ya-huh. So?" “Bleh!” Rarity blehed. “That’s... just unsightly!” She grabbed Pinkie Pie’s hoof and dragged her off of her stool. She levitated her saddlebags, and slid them on. Then, with the determination of a proper lady, she strode out of her boutique, Pinkie in her hooves. “We are going to bring you to a hair salon this instant!” “Um, ok Rarity! Whatever you say!” Pinkie beamed. “Rarity, how lady-like for you to treat your young friend to our newest establishment in Ponyville!” an eager mare welcomed. Rarity had dragged her loquacious friend to the Mare’s Stable Salon, which was a new addition to the town. However, Rarity recognized the owner of the new store from her stop to Canterlot last year, when she had gone to promote her newest line of clothing. She had to find a place to have her own mane done that time, and she was the very same unicorn that had trimmed it for her. “It is nothing, really. It’s been a long time since she’s had her hair done,” Rarity professed. “And I thought perhaps we could avert this crime against fabulosity by bringing her here!” “And there’s no better option!” the mare agreed. Within minutes, Pinkie Pie was settled in a chair, the barber by her side. “Hmm,” she said, poking at the pink shrubbery that was her mane, “it looks like its been awhile since her last haircut.” “Indeed,” Rarity muttered, still trying to remove the taste of pony hairs from her tongue, “a long time.” “Indeed,” the barber scratched her ear with a hoof before pulling out her tools. “I believe that the top could use a snip... as well as the sides... hmm...” Before long, swathes of hair were under attack by a pair of glistening scissors. “Hmm...” the barber continued assaulting Pinkie’s mane, “interesting...” She soon brought out the main salvo of her offensive: the electric trimmer. With a determined face of a veteran coiffeur, she slashed and hacked at the brilliant bouncy hair. However, the mane seemed to only lash back, stubbornly puffing right back up to its original size. The barber took this as an insult, and snarled ferociously. The hair wasn’t going down without a fight, and neither was the haircutter. And so began a lengthy war between the two rivaling factions. Rarity, who had been spectating, began to step away, astounded by the ruthlessness of the barber who had delicately trimmed her own mane only a few months before. The sounds of metal upon mane and scissors against curls filled the room, and a dust cloud whirled up into the air, scattering tools and instruments as the battle escalated. Every now and then a saw-like noise sliced through the air, and a hammer banged harshly. The sounds of clashing swords and gunfire ricocheted throughout the salon, and Rarity herself had to bring up a metal tray with her magic to deflect the stray bullets that cut across. As soon as the fighting had begun, it had instantaneously stopped. All that remained was the chair and an exhausted barber. And Pinkie Pie. “I... think...” the barber panted, “I may... have... finished...” As the hairdresser collapsed onto the floor, the remains of her foe scattered throughout the floor in slowly dying curls, Rarity brought herself back into the present. Oh goddesses! She thought. I’ve killed her! She crawled her way over to her friend, who was still sitting in the chair. As the hair vacuum raised itself, it revealed Pinkie Pie, her smiling face, and... A completely undamaged mane. “Oh, that was fun! Can we do that again?” Pinkie Pie bounced across the floor as they entered the boutique. “Can we? Can we?” “I don’t know if they will be too willing to let you in next time,” Rarity said slowly. She had filled her saddlebags to the brim with Pinkie Pie’s mane, and had quietly snuck out of the salon while nopony was watching, leaving a generous tip at the accountant’s desk. Still, she had a sinking feeling in her gut that the barber had more than met her match. “Awww...” Pinkie moaned sadly. “I was hoping to do this more often! I didn’t know that getting a haircut was this much fun!” On fun, her bounce height increased exponentially for a split second. “I just... I don’t understand...” Rarity was still trying to grapple with the fact that Pinkie’s mane looked practically untouched. Untouched! Not one curl was out of place, and yet, her saddle bags were stuffed with it... “I need to try something...” Levitating a sharp cutter (which she saved usually for the thickest of woven wool) she slowly made her way to Pinkie Pie. “Now, I want you to be completely still...” she murmured, inching closer and closer. “Sure!” *snip* Rarity gasped as she watched the slice of Pinkie’s mane slowly drop to the floor inaudibly. It maintained the exact composure and structure as it had while attached to Pinkie’s head. Suddenly, she realized she forgot to pay attention to what was left of Pinkie’s mane, and as she looked up, she was just in time to see the rest of the hair revert back into its original shape. “It’s... impossible!” Rarity stammered, stepping back a few paces and dropping the wool cutter. “I’m not sure I follow,” Pinkie cocked her head, and scratched with a back hoof. “I just... I used a tool strictly for the use of cutting the thickest fabrics, and cut an entire section of your mane of...” A piece of Pinkie’s mane levitated up for Pinkie to see, and she giggled. “That’s really neat, Rarity! Cut a few more off and you’ll have yourself a complete replica!” Pinkie beamed. “But that’s... impossible!” Rarity stuttered. “It... it takes me months to g-grow out my mane, and you... you... it... she...” “Ya?” Pinkie leaned in, pressing. Rarity gave an exasperated sigh and slumped to the floor. “I... I don’t understand...” “Do ya still need me?” Pinkie asked, “you’re kinda acting funny...” “Just go...” Rarity mumbled. “I have what I need...” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie grinned, and hopped out of the boutique. Another loud thump brought Twilight Sparkle out of her book organizing. “Spike!” she hollered. “It wasn’t me this time, I swear!” Spike swallowed. If it was him, there would be no ice cream for a week. He cringed at the thought, and immediately began looking around for the cause of the sound, and made sure to stay as far away from it as possible. “No, I think it came from outside,” Twilight murmured, and slowly trotted her way to the window. Outside, a group of three fillies were attempting to hop over a wooden table, with varied results. On the table was the copy of “Novice’s Guide to Parkour” that she had lent to Rarity just a few hours ago. Twilight rolled her eyes, and giggled. “Of course Rarity wouldn’t be doing parkour...” she smiled, and returned to her book shelving. “Still... her and Pinkie... what are they doing...” “Hey Twilight,” Rainbow Dash yelled from the staircase. “I don’t know about you, but the newest Daring Do book was such a let down! I can’t believe they could get away like that... and Daring’s dad is such a mule to him!” “I know,” Twilight suppressed another grin. “I’m just glad you enjoyed it, is all.” “Yeah, well, it wasn’t that bad of a read,” Rainbow yawned, and began flipping through the pages again. “Just the end... It’s like deja vu, like I’ve read it somewhere before... I’m so confused...” “Uh, Twilight,” Spike said, sounding more anxious than usual. “I was just wondering...” Twilight groaned. “What is it?” she asked her assistant. “Well,” the dragon started, bringing his index claws together slowly, “let’s say you enjoyed a book so much that you decided to erase your memory of the ending. How would you keep track of how many times you’ve finished it?” Twilight laughed. “Silly Spike, that would defeat the purpose of using a memory erasing spell! You’re not supposed to remember anything, that way you can enjoy the story to it’s fullest, right?” “Right, it’s just that,” Spike wondered aloud, “does that mean you could have possibly spent entire weeks, or months, or years reading the same book over and over again?” Twilight paused, and then giggled again. “Nah, I would’ve noticed time going by. Or something.” Spike felt uneasy. For somepony who literally kept track of everything, this was a strange development in their relationship as assistant and... well, for lack of a better word, owner. Perhaps that was the reason she had kept returning to her old titles... she did have favorites, after all... but it was just... strange... And what if she used her memory spells on more than just readings? What if she had done that to Spike every time he had messed up? What if she had forced him to.... gulp... read something, and then erased his mind? He shook his head. These silly thoughts weren’t getting him anywhere. “Well... ok then...” he mumbled, and hurried back to dusting the covers of the constellations section of the bookcase. Meanwhile, a couple feet away, Dashie was skimming through the Daring Do book when something caught her eye. A bend on a specific page towards one of the last chapters of the book... what was it about it... Dashie’s eye glinted, and realization struck. The bend. Pinkie Pie. The plot ruined. Frustration and anger built up inside of her until she could no longer contain it, and her mouth opened to holler. “PINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEE-” Another bolt of light struck square at her temple, and she crashed onto the staircase, unconscious for at least the tenth time today. Twilight groaned as she finished casting the spell. “Wow, her memory never fails to daunt me. Spike, I’m pretty sure it’s the bent page that’s making her remember. Can you please try to smooth it out now?” “Alright,” Spike grumbled. “But I deserve a raise for all this trouble you’re putting me through.” “That’s not important,” Twilight moaned. “The important thing is that we need to stop Rainbow Dash from remembering! The memory spell is only for her to forget, and if I increase the power on the spell, it might cause her to forget everything! The only thing we can do is keep this up until she decides to leave or until everything is perfect.” “Ugh,” Spike groaned. “I don’t see why we could have just let her leave and get Pinkie... I mean, she kinda deserves it, for ruining the story for her.” “I don’t think Rainbow will treat her too kindly...” Twilight muttered. “As a reader of books myself, I know exactly what kind of backlash to expect from such a hateful crime.” “Hey Twily!” Twilight groaned. “What is it, Shining Armor?” she asked. “What’cha readin?” “Oh, the Hunger Games. I’m almost done with the second book!” “Well, Twily, I’ve finished the whole trilogy now!” “Well, don’t ruin anything for me, ok?” Twilight sat back down and concentrated on her reading. [Spoiler alert for those who have not read the book] [Close your eyes as you scroll down] “Oh, by the way, Primrose dies.” [Spoiler is over] Twilight’s prepubescent head swelled as the words registered in her brain. The fact that her own brother would do that to her... the sheer frustration that wracked her nerves sent her magic into overdrive. Shining Armor was hospitalized for two weeks. “Look, I’m sure it won’t be that bad...” Spike encouraged. “She’s not a powerful unicorn like you. Besides, you’re wasting time knocking Rainbow Dash out every time she remembers again.” “And energy,” Twilight groaned. “Ok, you’re right. I won’t knock her out unless she remembers that I was part of it... and that I tried multiple times to remove her memory...” “Uh, ok then...” Spike said finally, now more confused than before. “What are you guys talking about?” A voice mumbled from behind them. Twilight jumped in fright, and fired another bolt of magic, sending her friend sailing across the room. As Dash’s body landed again with a thud, Spike gave his owner a disapproving glance. “That... doesn’t count.”
