~ Epilogue ~

The Truth

The kiss had been a mistake. It was a step too far, another realm she was too scared to touch, and yet, she'd gone for it. She acted like it didn't mean much. Something that even lovers did if they were not a couple. He seemed to have bought it.

And then, as they were sitting side by side at the bar, long after close, alone, with a bottle between them.

"Would you go out with me?"

Rainbow coughed with a shake of her head. She glanced over at the dragon who, despite asking such a question, was coolly taking a drink. Either he learned to become an actor—or already prepared himself for this.

"Hypothetical? Or..."

"Either."

Cuts straight to the point. So how about it? You wanted Spike for a reason. What was it that made you start all of this? Just to get off? Unlikely? Because he was the only target your subconscious would accept? Maybe. But you two have been at it for a month.

Mere sex doesn't scare you.

So what will you do now?

"Why this out of the blue?" Rainbow blushed in cradling a glass between her hooves. "Some hot thing already asking you out?"

"...yeah."

Rainbow's heart stopped as her muzzle whipped to him. She looked up as mane covered her eyes. Mouth opened but words unheard. He kept drinking like nothing happened. Seeing as he wasn't going to get a response, though, his tall, tired frame, glanced down at her. "Wanted the whole package. Both the love and the lust aspect of it. Told her I'd think about it."

Rainbow swallowed and looked away. She was still blushing. Giving herself away. "D-Do I know her? Few classy acts in this joint. Or maybe—"

"Someone from work."

"Oh."

"You were right." His glass clattered onto the wood after his shot. "Your first time opens a different world. Ponies look at me a little differently. Or maybe it's because I act differently now. You gave me something, Rainbow."

"Heh." She shrugged. "It's nothing. So... are ya gonna go for it?"

"Depends on you."

"Me?"

"Mmhmm."

He poured another shot for them both. Holding his between his talons, she did the same between her hooves, the two looking at each other. Rainbow tried looking around for help. Ponies that perceived her as being so great. With them around, she could be like that about.

When ponies accepted that she was greatness, she found it easier, then, to act that way.

But being great, on her own, was an impossible act.

To think.

The start of this had him being the one scared to talk to her. Being so undeserving of being with her. Now... now she could hardly speak to the dragon.

He held out his glass, and she clicked hers into his, then he spoke before they drank. "I wanted to know if I had a chance with you. But I know the kind of girl that you are. So I wouldn't want to lock you to a life that's too slow for you."

"Right." Rainbow looked into her drink. "Craving pizza one night. Pasta the next. Eating one is no good at all."

"Shall I take that as a no?"

"I'm... uh..."

"Don't worry about it."

Spike took his shot, clenched his eye and turned his head, and endured the pain for a second. Once it was done, it was done, and he was able to stand up. He was able to take those hits. Brunt them and move on. He didn't need all the little shields that Rainbow put up.

And she wasn't even going to reject him. It wouldn't have been acceptance either.

What was it, then, that she was going to say?

"I won't be here for our usual session tomorrow—told her I'd give my answer in the park just outside of here." Spike stood from his stool and turned to her, and she was still looking away, earning a polite laugh. "You're an excellent friend, Rainbow. Thanks for helping me with everything."

Rainbow's eyes closed as she couldn't face him. She tried to speak—but could feel the cracks in her voice. Rather she waved him off with a foreleg, the cool, nonchalant thing to do. He gave another chuckle and was out the door like that.

It chimed and he was gone.

Rainbow sat there for a while. Unable to down the shot and instead placed it back onto the table. Her mane hung over her face with the need to cry, slicing at the corners of her eyes. She'd never allow such a thing. But the need for it was there.

Finally, she let a few tears loose.

"You too, Spike, for everything."

It'd been cold. Freezing. White winds and frozen wood. Rainbow pranced in place behind a couple of trees in the fight to keep herself warm. There was a stone path over the grassy hill, one with a bench and a streetlamp at its center.

The dragon sat there, in the cold, waiting in the dim light.

"Heard you're done with your dragon partner... need a new toy for the bathroom?"

What are you waiting for? This is the life other ponies think you live. Being with Spike has you used to what a guy may do. How about it? Is this what you crave? The hollow pleasure, the fast life of a star? Wish to ride his face and only that?

"I-I... sorry pal."

Why are you running? You're forgetting your jacket. Don't let ponies see you acting like this! You'll break the mould that you set for yourself for so long. What will you do if ponies start looking at you differently? Just what was it, deep down, you were fearing?

"You can come out from behind there now."

Rainbow blinked and shook her head from her thoughts. Between the trees, in that narrow space, the dragon was looking at her. All the way from the bench, the glow of his eyes, keeping despite the distance.

At once, the act was one, and she stumbled out.

"Hey hey! Sorry dragon boy! Was just taking care of business—the fillies room was packed back at the bar." She strode onto the stone with a squint to how it licked frost to the underside of her hooves. She blunted the pain without a show of it on her face. "You meet your date yet? Or are you learning the heartbreak of getting stood up?"

Spike chuckled and shook his head. "Actually... she just showed up."

Rainbow glanced around in fear of seeing her. The awkwardness of another mare, striding by, and taking her dragon. Of having to explain what they were before or pretending that nothing happened between them at all.

But no one was there.

Except her.

Rainbow turned back in confusion without a word to say. Mouth opened and a foreleg lifted without either moving. It was always on someone else to carry it. To set the terms of what came next. Never could she set the charge—except in those brave moments.

"Why are you here?"

It was a simple question. One that jolted her back. Stronger than the gust of frost as it smacked into her. "I-I... from the bar... it..."

"I told you that I would be here—and that another mare would be waiting for me." Spike clapped his claws and settled them between his legs. "What reason would you have to come see that? To see the student passing on? What reason?"

Rainbow's foreleg dropped as it was becoming harder to see in the storm. Snow blasting around with the winds that became a haze. She looked at the ground. Ashamed. "I... don't know. Something brought me here. Just... don't know what."

"Am I someone special to you?"

The winds howled.

"What? Of course you are!"

"More special than the guys you've seen before? Did you see them go off with their new dates?"

"You're different from them! You... were my friend before all of this began! I wanted to make how you would make—"

"Is that a lie?"

Lies... have you been lying this whole time? Indeed you have. Your whole image is a lie based on what you put out there and what others' perceptions allowed you to be. View you as a scared little pony—and you couldn't break that. See you as Rainbow Dash and, well, you're enabled to start acting like her.

Whoever she is.

But you've been lying.

Is your lying less harmful than regular lies?

"Yes... and no... some parts are... and others aren't." Rainbow looked at her coat to see its blue catching with white. Not caring to brush it off, she took it, allowing her fuzz to become snow. "I care for you. And I like you. I do want the best for you."

"How many guys have you been with before me then?"

He has no way of knowing. This is another insecurity of his, flared. Give him one of your usual loose answers. How about 'enough'? For in a little character guilt for him to lie off it? You're not really lying to him—you're lying to yourself. That shouldn't amount to all that much worse.

"None."

Spike sat straight on the bench and looked over at her. His face caught in surprise as his blinking eyes pondered a way to process this. He looked between his legs. Still staring at the pavement buried beneath the snow. He then looked back at her.

"But... n-no..." He exhaled. "But you asked to get with me! Even blew me down there! Got me to..." His head dropped. "Those were my first times! They were—"

"They were our first times," Rainbow added in walking toward him and entering the light of the lamp. "Everyone takes me for a certain kind of girl. I had to live up to the image. Do... whatever felt right in that regard."

“Oh Rainbow.” His arms lurched out for her at once, taking Rainbow into his hold, as she settled onto his lap. She didn't fight the hug. Instead she pressed into him. His scales were warm and smooth, and his arms blocked the cold. "I'm so sorry! If I knew those were your first times I... I would have..."

"Have what? You did the best you could on them both—in all regards." Rainbow nuzzled into the side of his neck, burying herself there, needing the contact. It wasn't like her to be seen as weak. So she never did anything fragile. Yet being close to another... she wanted to become one. "Seeing you so scared... it comforted me. Although I led you astray because of it. Made you feel bad because—"

"Don't you worry about that now." His claw cupped the back of her head, as it brushed her mane, stroking out the bits of ice. "I could have done more to have comforted you then. But... why the lies?"

Rainbow allowed herself to melt as she retreated into her being. The cold slashed all around. Scaring her into being a filly. Were it not for the dragon, she would be lost, frozen in the cold—dead in this white nightmare. "It's... who I am. Ponies just... started treating as more one day. Be it one reason or another. And I went along with it. But I could never actually feel it."

His eyes narrowed.

"I'd look in the mirror as I was thinking and, no matter what I was thinking about, you couldn't see it on my face." Rainbow shook into his shoulder. "Passing mares had no clues and hitting stallions couldn't see it. I'd never really been in that kind of world. Yet those in it... put me in the top. At any point, somepony could have called me out, pointed their foreleg and say the whole thing was an act. I was so afraid of that."

Spike continued to stroke her mane.

"Then I saw you sitting there one day." Rainbow sighed. "Needed to prep myself before it, but... I finally managed to ask you out. Even if I screwed up with you, I figured that it would all end up okay after all. Out of everyone to break me into that other world."

Spike chuckled. "It had to be me?"

Rainbow looked down and continued to shake. "I'm a horrible pony, Spike. It's because you were so safe that I went for it. That you were secure. That you were seen so low that—"

"That even if you fucked up with me—it wouldn't blow into anything major? Don't sweat it." His claw rubbed her back—and no lower than that. "Other dragons would be offended, but for me, there's no greater compliment in being called harmless."

"D-Didn't even grab my flanks when you could."

"Because there are other places that seem like they need attention first." Spike kept hushing into her ear, warming fire inside of him. He even rocked a little to settle the mare in the storm. "Let me guess. You're scared of being touched there too?"

Rainbow nodded into him.

"Don't worry. I was so scared of anyone touching my dick that I almost bolted out of the stall that one time."

"Pfft." Something stung at Rainbow's eyes. She couldn't see anything of the blizzard anymore. Only the two arms that wrapped around her, with a chest and belly that was preheated, and the loving aroma of a dragon around her. "Why didn't you?"

"Because I trusted you."

"Wrong to do that."

"Was I?"

Rainbow laughed and couldn't do anything about it.

"I liked being close to you. Getting to hold you and stuff like that. You seemed most comfortable during those times." Now it was his time to sigh. "Always knew something was up or wrong with you. Just... couldn't get over myself to figure out what. Even beneath the games we used to play, I would notice things about you."

"A-And?"

"And I wanted to help you through it." Spike chuckled. "Mind you. We were so always focused on the lessons or what not to do anything about it." He leaned his head over hers and nuzzled into it. "But I've craved to do something like this for a while. Just holding someone. It's enough... to make me feel good."

Rainbow giggled. "Me too."

Silence for a moment.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Deep down... I... I really don't know who I am—or what I'm supposed to be."

"Hmmm... used to be the same way." Spike nuzzled into her. "Ponies would look at me like I was a creep. Or that I would grow up to be dangerous. Or that I must be something for some reason. I got to a point, though, that I didn't like other ponies deciding who I would be. That I would let whatever came inside dictate my path. Good dragon. Bad dragon. I took the risk that more good would come out from deep inside of me instead of bad."

He exhaled. "Thankfully, I naturally wanted good. I don't let others assert what it is that I feel—they have no real way of knowing, after all."

Rainbow wiggled in his grasp to pop out from the top of it. Enough to settle forehooves on his chest and lean back. She looked at him, her mane blown up in the cold, taking the numbness for a second more. "Would you... would you take me, Spike? Not Rainbow Dash... but me? Whatever it is I am whenever Rainbow's not here?"

Spike smiled. "I've been dying to discover you for a while now—I'm a reporter, y'know."

There was no need to kiss him a certain way as Rainbow fell onto his lips. Not caring if it was lazy or sloppy or even disgusting. Rather she went with what rose inside. The feelings and urges. What felt right and then keeping to that.

She kissed the dragon and snuggled into him. It didn't matter if she deserved it or what the results would be—the changes that would come into the view of the world around them. But so long as she had the dragon. That one source of security. Maybe. She could hold being an image to them.

So long as she could be herself around him.

Author's Note

This was a story I begun long ago, tired and in a mood, locking myself in a bathroom for a time. I was having all these crazy thoughts as I stood before the glass. Then it occurred to me. Looking at my face, normal as it was—nothing of what I thought was reflected there.

I continued to think and turn my head as though, somehow, it would come through. But it never did. None saw the person beneath the body. They might as well have been two people. With this experience in mind, I took to my keyboard, and wrote the first chapter of this story.

Which is one of my favourite pieces of all.

The next day came, and the mood went, and the quality of the chapter scared me from writing another. So I left it for a while. Until it became nearly too late to add to it again. Then, sadly a few days before this, my dear friend, my soul sister, RarityEQM, had passed away.

It killed me then as much as it does now.

Her last blog stole me with her final words.

'I think I'll write some more when I wake up...'

There's too much that's packed within that sentence for me to unravel now. I looked over at her goals and saw she had a few stories she'd like to get a few more likes one. I wrote a blog, and the kind people of the site went and read and upvoted the stories.

But there was one task on that list we could not do.

'Finish all my stories.'

It got me thinking to the ones of my own that were left undone. I always took it for granted that, sometime down the line, the perfect moment will come for me to finish them. But now... I don't hold that view much, anymore. Even before the death.

I think you have to keep at it, within that story, to acquire what you need to finish it. Sometimes you won't always be able to finish it well. But the act of doing so will give you the practice to do the next one better. It was a struggle for me to finish this piece.

I'd been reading more of RarityEQM's messages and her advice to me on writing. Her biggest was for me to stop asking for advice and insisted that I wrote like myself. But after my whining—she gave me a few pointers on her style. How to write metaphorical prose and make writing look delicious. I tried writing like her on my return to this story.

Only to bomb on those sessions.

I found that she had been right all along. That I shouldn't be throwing away my usual method to copy someone else. That I should take bits from here, and apply them as they arose. But I cannot discover anything new about myself that I don't first attempt.

I'm glad I tried out her style and kept her reasoning for matters in mind when I attempt them. I prefer her writing. Her use of metaphors accomplishes so much in so little. It evokes a feeling you could only get from them.

But I cannot write like that despite my wish that I could. Rather I have to absorb as much of her way as I can—while still keeping in my own. This story is a strange experiment because of that. No doubt that my scattered mind didn't help in trying to write this well.

But I did not want to give up writing.

I was willing to take the hit of a few bad sessions to ensure I do not lose the momentum of keeping with it. RarityEQM lost it for a while there and struggled to get it back. Those close to me fight to find their way back to the page. I worry that, one day away, and I'll be gone for months once more.

I'd rather struggle, write badly, all so to continue on the path that'll return me to normal. For the moment, I am set, for me, on that being the proper path. No amount of thinking and waiting will overcome these problems in writing. Rather, you have to keep on writing to stand a chance against them.

But now I am so exhausted.

RarityEQM could barely sleep. I never realized how bad it was for her. I'm meeting a few friends that stay awake for crazy times without anything they can do about it. Unable to write well because their mind can hardly work—much less after working all day and night.

My favourite message from you was.

'I FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP <3'

Sleep well, Soul Sister.

~ Yr. Pal, B ~