#LongStarlight

by Thought Prism

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2056

Starlight be long. But WHY?

Starlight be long. But WHY?

I figured, why are we limiting the meme to just artwork? This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever written, honestly. Coverart by Searchlight Mid. The meme originates from LBRCloud. I was introduced to the madness by Round Trip's video. Maniacs, all of them.

Published 2020-04-11 15:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-11 15:50:02 UTC

Jake would be proud.

Twilight was eating breakfast in her castle. You know, as you do. It was a fairly normal breakfast, all things considered. Spike had cooked, because Twilight was liable to spend three hours rereading the recipe seven times before actually making the food. Even if it was just toast. She ate quietly, alternating between bites of her blueberry blintz (as opposed to Spike's lapis blintz) and sips of her steaming mug of coffee.

Then, Starlight draped herself over her chair, grinning with a wide, toothy smile. "Good morning, Twilight!"

Huh, Twilight thought, she's unusually peppy today, not looking up from her newspaper.

"Notice anything... different about me?" Starlight asked, leadingly.

Deciding to take the bait, Twilight set her paper down to look Starlight's way. At first glance, she looked the same, no new manestyle or the like. Then, Twilight did a double take. Starlight's body was, in fact, most unusual below the shoulders. Rather than the typical equine torso, ending in short order at one's backside, it just... kept going. Her lower half snaked down the hall and around the corner, as if Starlight was some sort of giant, fuzzy python, except floating at leg height off the ground. Spike was already staring, brows nearly off of his head, a bite frozen halfway to his mouth.

"What," Twilight uttered.

"Ta-dah!" Starlight exclaimed, waving her hooves. "I invented a new spell! What do you think?"

Twilight had no words. After another long silence, she managed a "Why?"

"To spend more time with friends!" Starlight declared, as if it was obvious. "No longer do I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing at potentially inopportune times to use the restroom! I can just keep my rear in there constantly! Plus," she added, "it's way less tiring than teleporting back and forth."

Spike set down his fork, the pastry-wrapped gems untouched. "That's gross, Starlight. And also a bit creepy."

Numb with disbelief, Twilight stood from the table and slowly walked around to the door, following Starlight's body. She confirmed that, yes, the unicorn just kept going, through the castle lobby, up the stairs, and down the hall, a frankly absurd length of pink pony. Then, she returned to the table, shaking her head, and resumed eating. I'm not even going to try talking her out of it. I'll just wait for her to experience the consequences of this nonsense firsthoof. Then, hopefully, she will never, ever do this again.

Starlight faced the latest young soul to pay her councilor's office a visit, forehooves resting on her desk and a baring a patient smile. However, instead of opening up about her concerns, the girl opposite her just ran her eyes down along Starlight's looping body.

"Pony very long. Yona deeply confused."

"Oh, don't you worry about me." Starlight waved her off. "This is about you. What's on your mind, Yona?"

Yona looked like she didn't want to drop the subject, shifting on the couch cushions, but relented nonetheless. "Well, in Yak homeland, there is tradition where—"

Suddenly, Starlight made a face, and Yona paused. "Is something wrong?" Yona asked.

"It's nothing," Starlight insisted. "Probably just those foals rail grinding on their skateboards again. You were saying?"

Trixie's latest performance was going swimmingly so far. Today, her best friend had been available to act as her lovely assistant, which practically doubled the number of tricks she could use. But, being used to Twilight, the Ponyville crowd was more appreciative of sleight-of-hoof than real spells, so that was what she'd been sticking to for this show.

"Is... this your card?" Trixie asked the volunteer colt in front of her, holding the jack of diamonds in her hoof with a flourish.

His eyes lit up. "It totally is!"

"Another wonderous feat, courtesy of the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Starlight declared, the colt scampering back into his seat.

"As if one could expect anything less," Trixie said. Since the crowd was sufficiently warmed up, she could move on to the big stuff. "Now, for something with a bit more flair!" she exclaimed, posing. "Watch, and be amazed, as Trixie makes Starlight vanish before your very eyes!" she exclaimed, before tossing a smoke bomb at Starlight's hooves.

When the haze cleared a moment later, Starlight was gone. Or, at least, her head was. The expertly concealed trapdoor in the floor of the stage was still hinged halfway open, its closure blocked by the lengthy flesh noodle still atop the platform. Every face in the audience immediately noticed this, their looks of wonderment replaced by disappointed frowns.

A muffled "Riiiight. Umm... oops?" emerged from below.

Lips going taught, a single bead of sweat rolled down Trixie's face. In hindsight, I should have known better. Then again, I always have been an 'act first, consequences later' sort of mare. Still, I can work with this.

With an overdramatic gasp, Trixie looked this way and that. "Wow! She really is totally, 100% gone! Where could Starlight be?"

Somepony chucked a watermelon at her head, causing her to flinch as it exploded. It hurt like the dickens, but the juices wouldn't stain her cape. From behind the spectators, the bartering vampire Trixie had partnered with for that very reason gave a thumbs up as she sucked the color red out of a tomato with her fangs.

Spoiled Rich sat in her private carriage, sheltered from the elements and the droll, average citizens of Ponyville by its velvet-lines walls. The oiled wheels rolled smoothly down the road as she touched up her blush with a compact mirror. However, she began to feel the luxury vehicle show down, then come to a complete stop. Her hackles rose.

Spoiled angrily rapped on the panel in front of her. "Exactly what is the holdup? I won't be kept from this exclusive event by any delays!"

The curtain in front of Spoiled parted, revealing her experienced chauffeur. "We have encountered an obstacle, Madame. And it appears infeasible to remove or circumnavigate," replied Randolph. He then gestured to the two hitched stallions, who were scratching their chins in thought. For in front of the wagon was some sort of garishly hued barricade, about pony height.

"I'll be the judge of that." Snorting, nose upturned, Spoiled pushed past Randolph to get a better look. Upon inspection, it seemed that, unfortunately, he had been right. The hairy tube stretched on and on in both directions, as far as she could see. For all she knew, it completely bisected Ponyville, from the castle on one side to Sweet Apple Acres on the other. Nonplussed passersby simply pulled the thing upwards slightly and ducked underneath if they needed to go past, but this was not possible for her carriage. And there was no way she would go on hoof, even if Tartarus froze over. The mere thought made Spoiled Rich shudder.

Still, there must be something her hired help could do. What else did she pay them for? Clearing her throat and glaring at all three stallions in turn, she instructed "I don't care how you do it, just get this stupid thing out of the way and get moving!" Then, she sat back down and slammed the curtain shut, the faint rustle having less of an impact than she would have liked.

Steven Magnet swam lazily through the Ponyville river, humming a jolly tune to himself. Today was his regular spa visit, and he was looking forward to trying out the scale polishing treatment that his acquaintance Spike recommended. The locals had thankfully gotten used to him by now, and he traded friendly waves with many a pony.

Nearing a small bridge, Steven was about to fully submerge himself when an unexpected sight took his breath away. There, spanning the bridge, as well as the whole area, was the single most exquisite being he had ever laid eyes on. Though he couldn't see her face from here, he knew instantly that they were, in fact, a lady of peerless beauty. For how could that long, sinuous line of sliky pink belong to anyone else?

Frozen in his tracks, Steven blushed deeply, running his hands through his orange coiffeur to make sure it was straight. He'd never met a serpent so well-endowed in the length department before! Flustered, he tried to start up a conversation four times, only managing to form words on his fifth attempt. "H-Hello there, sweetheart. I've never seen you around here before. Did you just move in, or are you visiting?"

The magnificent creature hadn't seem to have heard him, and did not move either.

Following the line of her curves (Don't stare, cassanova, it's impolite!), Steven tried to spot where her face was coiled, to no avail. She just kept going. Waging a terrible war within himself, the more daring side of him eventually won out, and Steven delicately placed his hand upon her perfection. Raising the volume of his voice, he tried again. "Good afternoon! You can call me Steven Magnet. Or whatever you want, I don't judge. What's your name, if I may be so bold?"

In reply, the girl of his dreams emitted some sort of high pitched whine, like a zipper being pulled rapidly. After a minute or so, the ends of her body both visibly rushed towards him from out in the distance with blurs of motion, before coming together with a pop, causing Steven to backstroke away in surprise.

He blinked down at the unicorn mare that was now standing in front of him, her face contorted with surprise and pain. "Ow, ow, ow! I think somepony just tried to cut me in half," she said. "And not in the way Trixie does it."

Steven could feel his heart shatter into a million pieces. He had a few more, so it wasn't the end of the world, but it still stung. Tears welled up behind his eyes. His first love in ages... was naught but a cruel lie.

Rubbing the wound on her back with a hiss, not having noticed him, the mare continued talking to herself. "Okay, maybe Twilight was right. That was an extremely stupid idea. Almost as bad as when I tried teaching that hydra how to read. I am not doing this again."

Only when he could contain his sorrow no longer and burst out into mournful, wailing sobs did the unicorn spin to face him. She looked on, dumbstruck, as his tears flowed into the river, forever lost like his own deepest hopes.

But she did not remain silent forever. "Uh, hey there, big fella. What's wrong?"

He shut his eyes, the back of his hand on his forehead, and turned away. "What's wrong? H-How could you lead me on like that, honey? I thought I'd finally met the one, but then... but then..." unable to continue, he sniffled, blowing his nose into a damp handkerchief.

"That's rough, buddy. Was it Fluttershy? I bet it was Fluttershy." Then, she seemed to go over his words again, and abruptly blanched. "Wait, did you say me?"

This was worse than Steven had feared; she indeed hadn't even realized he'd been there. Nodding, his wails - and the flow of his tears - instantly redoubled.

"Mmm," went the mare, through clenched teeth. She began to slowly back away. "I am in no way prepared for this, random sea serpent I've never met previously. I only recently mastered friendship!" The nameless pony coughed once. "So I'm just gonna, uh, go to the hospital? For my back?"

"Fine! Away with you!" he insisted, extending a finger. "Leave my life as quickly as you stole my affections! I never want to see you again, you duplicitous snake, toying with poor, lonely gentlecreatures!"

Cringing, the pink unicorn wasted no time in trotting off the bridge, pointedly not looking back. This is fine, Steven thought. I'll just go back to being the only eligible serpent for hundreds of miles, I guess.

"So, Starlight, what did you learn today?" Twilight asked, with a grin somehow both genuine and condescending, as she stood next to her hospital bed.

"Don't stretch yourself unreasonably long with magic," she sighed, still mulling over how exactly things had gone so very wrong. "Unless your name is Pinkie Pie, I guess."

Twilight shuddered. "Don't give her any ideas."