Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now

by TheColtTrio

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Starlight Glimmer, Original Character, Trixie, Comedy, Adventure, Discord
Length: 276018

Twilight has finally discovered the fate of Purple Heart, Light Patch, and Wits End, and prepares to drag them out of the shadowy limbo they’re trapped in. But even if they’re freed, the question remains: is Equestria ready for them?

Ever since the Colts disappeared from the Equestria Girls World, Twilight (and Discord when he can be bothered to) have been searching high, low, and in-between trying to find them. Having ruled out every place the Colts could be, all that remains is where they might not be. Getting them out of wherever they ended up will be difficult as will bringing them to Equestria. The real question is if Equestria is ready to deal with them for real this time...

Published 2021-10-17 04:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-29 14:27:56 UTC

Chapter 2: The Boys Are Back In Town~!

“Twilight!” Starlight Glimmer banged her hoof against the door to the Princess of Friendship’s room. “Twilight? Oh, come on. Wake up!”

No response. Starlight pressed her ear to the door. If she listened very carefully, she could hear soft snoring coming from the other side. She tisked. “Typical. I finally have something to say that she’d be interested in actually listening to, and she’s fast asleep. Well, we’ll just see about that.” Her horn glowed a gentle turquoise.

A moment later, a high-pitched yelp sounded from the other side of the door; barely covering the splashing sound that was likely its cause. Starlight stepped away from the door with a smile, counting down from ten by seconds. The moment she reached zero, Twilight Sparkle flung the door open, her mane dripping water onto the crystal flooring. “Really?” she glowered. “You used Aqua Regia’s Spontaneous Water Creation spell as an alarm clock?”

“I tried knocking,” Starlight offered.

“You know that Aqua Fortis’ Refined Water Summoning spell is more efficient, right?”

“If I used that, you wouldn’t have felt the need to come out and correct me.”

Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but found that she had nothing to do so with. “...Fine. What’s so important that you had to wake me up from the only sleep I’ve gotten in…” She blinked. “What day is it?”

“That’s not important.” Starlight grabbed the princess by a hoof, dragging her through the corridors of the castle. “Do you remember the spell we cast last night?”

“The one that failed? How could I forget.”

“That’s just it!” Starlight grinned back at Twilight. “I don’t think it failed.”

Twilight slid to a stop, forcing the unicorn to do the same. “What?”

“We checked the map this morning. I wanted to-”

“Who’s we?”

“Spike and I. It’s not important. I wanted to see if there was something wrong with the connection between the spell arrays and the map, but it turns out we should’ve taken a closer look at the map itself.”

“What are you talking-”

Starlight sighed dramatically. “Look, just teleport us to the map room, okay? It’ll be a lot faster than trying to give you exposition in a hallway.”

A moment later, Twilight and Starlight appeared in the map room, sending a small cloud of papers into the air as they arrived. Spike looked up from the map and rolled his eyes. “Glad I didn’t spend any time cleaning up in here,” he muttered. “Did Starlight tell you I’m the one who noticed the map?”

“Like I said,” Starlight said quickly, “it’s not important. Take a look at the map.”

Twilight sighed and stepped over to the map table. She gave the surface a cursory glance, not really taking anything in. She turned her head back to Starlight, a deadpan look on her face and a snarky retort building in her throat. She balked and looked back at the table, snarky retort forgotten. Three glowing sigils hovered over different locations on the map: a tree with two masks hanging from its branches floated over a cliff bordering the Badlands, a white-gloved hand orbited above the edge of the Undiscovered West, and what looked like two sheets of paper folded together to make them one hovered over an ice field in the Crystal Mountains.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “It worked,” she whispered. “It worked!”

“Certainly looks like it,” Starlight said. “So, which one is which?”

“I…” Twilight frowned. “I don’t know. When we were with the boys in Discord’s game, they didn’t have Cutie Marks. And they didn’t have any distinguishing symbols in the human world either.”

“Blank flanks?” Starlight whistled. “That’s impressive, given what you’ve told me about them.”

Twilight sighed, leaning in for a closer look at the floating symbols. “They said their world doesn’t have Cutie Marks. Apparently they’re a little more equal to each other in that respect.” She paused, then turned back to Starlight. “Don’t get any ideas.”

“Ouch. My feelings.”

“Has Sunset seen this yet?”

Spike shook his head. “She went back to the human world after you went to bed. Said she was gonna do some research on that side, see if anything changed.”

“Isn’t this thing supposed to tell you who needs to go to which place?” Starlight asked. “I thought the Elements of Harmony’s Cutie Marks were supposed to pop up, not somepony else’s.”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Hang on a moment.” She focused her magic on the map. The floating symbols fizzled for a moment, then came back into focus, along with two additional images each. “There. Simple change in the z-layering.”

“So it’s Applejack and Dash for this tree thing,” Spike said, “Pinkie and Rarity for the origami, and then you and Fluttershy for the glove?”

Starlight tilted her head. “Who makes hoofwarmers with extra bits sticking out like that, anyway?”

Twilight ignored the question. “Spike, round up the girls. We need to get on top of this in-case the boys need help.” She turned to Starlight. “Let Sunset know the spell worked, then keep an eye on the map. We’ll need you to let us know if the boys move while we’re on the way.”

“How do you know it’s them?” Starlight asked.

“That one’s easy.” Twilight started walking out of the room. “They split the party.”

* * *

“Ya know, when Twilight said she wanted to learn some kind of emergency messenger spell, Ah thought she was just gonna use it for the occasional emergency, or lettin’ us know ‘bout the map having something fer us to do,” Applejack grumped as she trotted towards the castle next to Rainbow Dash.

“To be fair, there has kinda been a lot going on.” Rainbow replied.

“She thought runnin’ outta ink was a world endin’ disaster,” Applejack returned with a glare.

“She was working on some kinda important egghead stuff, wasn’t she?” Rainbow said, waving a hoof as if to dismiss Applejack’s point.

“She couldn’t check off an item for that day’s checklist.”

“What!” Rainbow shouted. “I booked it out of a chess game against Spitfire for this!”

“A chess game? You?” Rarity said, having joined them quietly just in time to hear Rainbow.

“Something, something, leadership responsibility and planning ahead. Not important. What was important is that, for a change, I was actually winning… I think,” Rainbow Dash finished below her breath.

“Summoned by the spell too, huh Rares?” Applejack said, ignoring Rainbow’s poor attempt at recounting the chess game.

“Yes. Though, I must admit I’m a little concerned at how many of us she’s summoned. I don’t think it’s a map thing,” she said, waving to Fluttershy and Pinkie, both of whom were already at the castle’s doors.

“Oooh, maybe it is gonna be a huge secret party!” Pinkie cheered as she pronked in place.

“I hope not. I was hoping for a quiet day,” Fluttershy said.

“Welp, no sense waitin’. Let’s get this over with,” Applejack said, shoving open the castle’s door to find Spike waiting for them on the other side.

“Oh cool, you’re here finally,” the small dragon said in greeting. “Maybe you five can finally get Twilight to settle down a little. I don’t know what’s got her so worried... or maybe excited... I’m honestly not sure. Anyway, come on in. She’s freaking out in the map room.” He motioned for them to follow him. The five mares exchanged looks with one another, then quickly followed Spike.

Like Spike had said, they found Twilight in the map room. She sounded like she was trying to talk to Starlight but her words were coming so fast not even Pinkie was able to keep up as evidenced by the fact that when the others looked to her, she simply shrugged in confusion.

Twilight noticed the girls out of the corner of her eye and turned the torrent of words she was spewing forth towards them, animatedly swinging her hooves around in gestures of meaning or pointing towards the map and the strange markers showing on it. She seemed to alternate between relief, frustration, excitement, and exhaustion. Eventually, Pinkie had enough and shoved her hoof in Twilight’s mouth.

“Twilight, use spaces. They go between your words,” Pinkie chided. “Without them, it’s just one big jumble of sounds we can’t follow, yet you expect us to follow. It’s really annoying and… What?” She asked as she finally noticed the deadpan looks all of her friends were aiming at her.

Twilight removed Pinkie’s hoof from her mouth and took a couple of deep breaths. “Okay, let me explain.” She was drowned out by five simultaneous groans, and a very loud eye-roll from Starlight. “Fine. Let me sum up. Sunset, Starlight, and I tried the spell we’ve been-

“You’ve mostly been working on,” Starlight interrupted.

“-the spell I’ve been working on-”

“More like obsessing, really.”

Twilight cleared her throat loudly, shooting a glare at the unicorn. “As. I. Was. Saying. We tried the spell to find the boys yesterday.”

“The boys who got sucked into a portal to who-knows-where in that human world Sunset’s in?” Rainbow asked.

“What is this, ‘Interrupt Twilight’s Exposition’ Day? We cast the spell, we thought it failed, and today these symbols showed up on the map!” Twilight pointed to the three marked locations on the map. “Now, in the time it’s taken from our initial discovery to now, these three have been moving at a rate consistent with a pony at a walking pace, give or take.”

“So those three are ponies again, then?” Rarity asked. “Why haven’t they tried to contact us?”

“Not e’rypony can find th’ quickest trail to a sale like you, Rarity,” Applejack replied. “Those three’re probably more turned ‘round than a hedgehog in a twister, and ain’t none of them’ve got a map like this to help’m.”

Twilight nodded. “Exactly. Now, we need to find them before anything bad happens, so I’ll teleport us in groups to as close to their location as possible. From there, you all are gonna have to search for your respective quarry yourselves. My advice, just look for the trail of chaos and destruction.”

“‘Twilight’s Exposition’ Day is back on,” Rainbow muttered.

“Why can’t you put us right next to them?” Fluttershy asked.

“Because in their typical fashion, they came down in mostly unknown territory.” Twilight pointed to each of the symbols in turn. “The border between the Mysterious South and the Badlands, the Undiscovered West, and the Frozen North. Aside from the pony settlements, those places have been terra incognita.”

Pinkie Pie produced a handkerchief from her hair. “Gesundheit!”

“That means ‘unknown’, dear,” Rarity corrected.

“I know, but it’s been a while since I made a joke. Started feeling a little queasy.”

“The map has already marked who’s going where.” Twilight gestured to their cutie marks alongside the symbols.

Spike perked up from his cleaning. “Great! I’ll grab some adventuring gear!”

Twilight blinked. “Uh… Actually, Spike, you should probably-”

“Oh no you don’t!” Spike leveled a claw at the purple alicorn. “You’ve left me out of two adventures with these guys already. You can’t expect me to stay behind again. I’m coming with you, and that’s it.”

Rainbow Dash leaned in towards the dragon. “Don’t wanna clean up Twilight’s mess again, huh?”

“...I can neither confirm nor deny that.”

“Fine!” Twilight threw her forehooves in the air. “You can come with me and Fluttershy to find whichever one the glove is.” She turned to the rest of the Mane Six. “Everypony ready?”

“Ah can’t believe we’ve gotta rescue them again,” Applejack muttered.

“It’s just like old times!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.

Fluttershy thought for a moment. “Is that a good thing?”

Pinkie grinned. “I don’t know!”

* * *

“Rainbow Dash, would ya kindly slow down!” Applejack snapped. The cyan pegasus whipped around, a wide grin stretching her face.

“But, AJ! This is right out of a Daring Do book!” she squealed. “Hiking through the jungle, danger at every turn, all in search of an elusive artifact! I think I’ll have to write A.K. Yearling about this and see if she can make a book out of it! Or maybe a short story… Maybe a novella at least...”

Applejack sighed, rubbing her forehead with a hoof. “Ah don’t think the colts’d be too pleased with bein’ called ‘artifacts’.”

“You get what I’m saying though, right? This is the start of a treasure hunt if ever I saw one!”

“...Sure is.” The orange earth pony gave another sigh, hoping that the hyper pegasus would calm down. She snorted. Of course Rainbow Dash wouldn’t. This was just the thing that the cyan pegasus would get excited about.

“Any idea where we’re headed?” Rainbow asked after a few minutes of companionable silence. “The map wasn’t too clear on where exactly, just somewhere in the forest next to the Badlands.”

“With all yer blitzin’ ahead, Ah’m surprised we haven’t found the place yet,” Applejack chuckled. Rainbow pouted.

“Doesn’t mean I saw anything,” she whined. “And what do you mean about ‘blitzing’? This forest is so freaking huge! And dense! I can hardly build up enough speed to fly normally! I’m stuck at this snail’s pace! Tank could find the colt faster than we could.”

Applejack couldn’t help but laugh at the image. “If it were Purple Heart we’re chasin’, I think even mah granny can catch him!” The pair shared a laugh and fell silent again as they trudged through the thick undergrowth. It wasn’t long before Rainbow Dash groaned again in frustration.

“Ugh! I feel like we aren’t making any progress!” she griped. “These trees all look the same!” She waved a hoof at the surrounding trunks. “I’m gonna take a peek above the treeline to see where we are.” Without waiting for a response from her companion, Rainbow blasted through the canopy. Applejack rolled her eyes and crossed one foreleg in front of the other, casting her gaze skyward while she waited for the energetic pegasus to return.

“Uhhh, Applejack?” Rainbow’s voice sounded from above the leaves. “I think I found what we’re looking for.”

“Really?” drawled the orange mare.

“Really. This trench looks kinda new.”

Applejack blinked. “Trench?” she repeated, pushing through the low bushes. “What do you mean ‘trench’?” Pulling aside a branch, Applejack could clearly see a break in the trees several paces away. She didn’t see the drop immediately before her and therefore slipped down into the long gouge.

“ACK~!” Applejack rolled to her hooves and spat out the dirt in her mouth, glaring around at the sloped walls of earth. Rainbow floated effortlessly beside her, trying not to laugh at the orange mare’s misfortune.

“See what I mean?” the pegasus said, biting her lip.

“Why didn’t you warn me?” Applejack snapped as she beat the dust and dirt off her hat.

“Cos I thought you’d notice,” Rainbow replied mirthfully.

“Well, ah did. After the fact.” Applejack looked around again. “Purple Heart musta been fallin’ at a pretty good clip to make this.”

“Yeah,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “I’ve seen some bad wipeouts in my time, but this has to be in the Top Five. Maybe even the Top Three.”

Applejack snorted. “Well, Twilight was right: ‘look for the trail of chaos and destruction’.”

“I’ll say,” Rainbow said. “He shouldn’t have gotten far. A crash like that can really mess you up. I doubt he’s even conscious right now.”

“Makes it easier to find him and get him back to Ponyville,” Applejack said, starting down the trench. Rainbow Dash flapped after her and emphasized a cough of disagreement.

“Finding him? Yes, that’s easier. Getting him to Ponyville? I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure the two of us can drag him if he’s unconscious. I’d rather he be awake so he can carry himself.”

“That,” Applejack said, “is an excellent point. Draggin’ him all that way?” The orange mare shook her head. “Not my idea of fun.”

“I second that.” The two fell silent as they travelled down the trench. In next to no time at all, the two mares broke out of the trees and onto a cliff. The furrow continued to the precipice and only stopped at the edge.

Rainbow smirked, eyeing her orange companion as they walked along the trough.

“Watch for the edge.”

“I saw it,” Applejack snapped, glaring at the pegasus. She looked over the edge of the cliff and saw sand stretching out for miles. The only land feature that leapt out to her was a crater a short distance from the base of the cliff. “I think that’s where he landed.”

“No kidding,” Rainbow whistled. “Definitely Top Three.”

Applejack looked around, searching for a path down the cliffside. When she didn’t, she glanced at her blue companion. “Uhh… I don’t suppose you could carry me? I’m not keen on fallin’ down there like Purple Heart did.”

The pegasus shrugged and floated over Applejack’s back, grasping the earth pony under her forelegs. Two strong flaps of her wings lifted them off the cliff and they were gliding down to the sandy ground below. Rainbow let out another whistle as they drew closer to the crater. It was clear that sand slid down the sides in the intervening time between Purple Heart’s landing and the two of them finding it, but the size was still impressive.

“I’m noticing a severe lack of Purple Heart in here,” Rainbow commented as she placed Applejack back onto terra firma. “And no hoofprints.”

“Musta been covered with sand,” Applejack mused. She scanned the bowl for a few seconds. Then she turned and clambered up the side. “Hopefully we’ll see something up there that can give us an idea of where he went.”

Rainbow Dash merely flapped her wings and soared upward, ascending far above the desert. From below, Applejack could see the pegasus pan around, scanning the horizon. She looked around too, but saw nothing but the hazy horizon herself. Rainbow descended, landing beside the orange mare and pointing southeastward.

“I saw a cluster of buildings off in that direction,” she explained. “It’s probably a town and our best bet to find him. If he’s not there, then hopefully somepony saw him pass through.”

Applejack shrugged. “It's as good a lead as any.” Without further ado, the pair set off, tramping across the open desert in search of an elusive purple earth pony.

* * *

“Thanks again for the scarf, Rarity,” Pinkie said, happily bouncing through the deep snow.

“Not a problem, dear. I’d hate to see you catch a cold,” Rarity said, tucking her own wrap a little tighter around her neck.

“It’s lucky that Twilight was able to plop us down right in where whoever-”

“Whom, darling.”

“-appeared. Otherwise, we might’ve never found their path.” Pinkie continued after Rarity’s correction. “So, who do you think it is?”

“I honestly can’t say,” Rarity replied, thinking back to the cutie mark they’d looked at over the map. “We never saw the colts with cutie marks and while none of them would be exactly what I could say fits the colts as we know them, that origami shape could really be any of theirs.”

“Did it look like Twilight was familiar with that symbol?” Pinkie asked her bouncing slowing down a little in thought.

“She did seem to fixate on it,” Rarity remembered. “Not that she sped over any of the three mystery Cutie Marks.” Rarity continued with the best shrug she could manage while still moving. “I suspect she was just doing what all of us were. At least I was trying to do: match the cutie marks we were seeing to the stallions we thought to whom they might belong.”

“It’s probably Purple Heart. He’s big enough to take the cold, I’m sure of it. Then again, these don’t really look like what I’d expect his hoof prints to look like,” Pinkie said, peering at the almost hidden by snow trail of hoof prints they were following.

“Okay, I’ll bite. How did you learn to track in the snow? I could see Twilight or Fluttershy, but not you.”

“My family's rock farm is at the foot of some mountains. We tend to get a lot of snow and unlike ood farms, rock farms do business all year round,” Pinkie said, doing a cartwheel and somehow landing her hooves in the prints they were following. “Learning to pathfinding in the snow helped us not get lost or frozen and keep our customers from the same fate. What about you, Rarity? Where’d you learn?”

“Skiing trips mostly, I don’t go nearly enough but I figured I should learn some basics just in case... you know...” Rarity’s words started tapering off as she tilted her head. “I think... I think I see something in the snow just up ahead.”

The two quickly hoofed it through the snow to arrive at a small patch of ground with a little grass but mostly dirt and a noticeable lack of snow. In the middle of it was a flower about as tall as a sunflower. If it hadn’t been wilting. Its petals were a dull, almost greyish green with a little of the petals original reds, yellows, and oranges showing through. Though she wasn’t an expert by any means, Rarity could tell the poor plant was beyond help at this point. Still, there was something off about it she couldn’t shake.

“What's a flower growing out here in the cold and snow?” Pinkie said, trotting just outside of the circle of clear ground.

“I can’t say, but I feel like I should know. This flower, there’s something familiar about it but I… I can’t place it...” Rarity fell silent, trying to force her memory to come back.

“Don’t worry, Rarity. I’m sure if you just relax, it’ll come back to you. Speaking of coming back, it looks like somepony else had planned to do that too,” the pink party pony said cheerfully, pointing at the shovel stuck in the ground just outside of the circle.

“Yes, it does appear that way. And it’s possible, considering the tracks leading here, one of the colts might have done it too. Maybe Purple Heart as a preemptive apology to Twilight for, well whatever. Or it could’ve been Light Patch. Then again, I don’t really see him leaving the flower alone out here to just perish.”

“Maybe Wits was gonna give it to Fluttershy,” Pinkie said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“While it’s probably about time he or she address the obvious infatuation he has for her, I doubt tha-” Rarity was cut off when she noticed Pinkie suddenly freeze, bounce in place twice without moving her legs, then her ears started to flap around as if they were signal flags. “What Pinkie Sense was that?” Rarity asked hesitantly, unsure if she actually wanted to know.

“That’s my ‘Stealing My Schtick’ Pinkie Sense,” Pinkie answered, staring off into the distance seemingly right down the path of the stallion they were tracking. “Some pony is stealing my schtick!” She shrieked furiously, rocketing off through the snow.

“Wait! Pinkie!” Rarity shouted, running as fast as she could to keep up through the deep snow. Pinkie however was easily able to outpace her, and worryingly showed no sign of slowing. Rarity wasn’t sure if it was her lack of skill, but she kept losing track of the trail more often than not. It was almost as if the pony they were following was teleporting, or using the same ‘shortcuts’ that Pinkie used. She wasn’t sure which idea she disliked more.

* * *

Twilight, Fluttershy, and Spike appeared on top of a small hill in a flash of light. The small dragon looked around, planted his claws on his hips, and said his first words since leaving the castle. “Huh.”

“Huh?” Twilight looked down at the dragon. “Something up?”

“I dunno. I just kinda thought that, with a name like ‘the Undiscovered West’, it’d be more… fantastical.”

“Ah.” Twilight looked around. Their hill was one of many in the steppes that surrounded them, occasionally dotted by groves of trees or cut by rivers as far as she could see. In other words, it was a lot like the rest of Equestria. “Well, technically we’re still pretty close to the border. There’s not much different about this area, compared to back home.”

“Twilight!” Fluttershy appeared from behind the dip of the hill, holding a small brown bunny in her forehooves. “Look! We’re in the Undiscovered West for sure!”

Both Twilight and Spike stared at the pegasus in silence. “Fluttershy,” Twilight said eventually, “that’s a rabbit.”

“Not just any rabbit! It’s a Groundlands Burrower! They’re not found anywhere in Equestria; only in the Undiscovered West!” She beamed, still holding the unperturbed bunny. “Isn’t that amazing?”

Twilight blinked. “Sure.”

Fluttershy gave the rabbit a hug and set it down. “Oh, and he says he saw where the colt we’re looking for landed.”

“Why didn’t you lead with that?”

“He’s got an accent.”

“...An accent.”

“Yes! The bunnies back home are like,” the pegasus waved her forehooves vaguely, “and this one’s more like,” she waved her forehooves even more vaguely. “You know?”

Twilight blinked again. “Yyyyes.”

“What does he mean by ‘landed’?” Spike asked.

Fluttershy looked down at the rabbit, who continued to seem entirely unimpressed as he gestured with a forepaw. “He says that a colt fell out of the sky over that river over there. Caused a bit of a splash, apparently.”

“That could be any of them,” Twilight mused. “I was hoping to narrow down which of the boys we were going after.”

“Isn’t one of them a pegasus?” Spike asked.

“Like I said, could be any of them. Let’s start off by investigating the crash site.” Twilight hesitated for a moment. “Should we… thank the rabbit? Does he have a name?”

Fluttershy looked back at the rabbit again. “It’s Ragnar Grimthor, Destructor of the Saxons.” She hesitated. “Or Dave. He’s got a really thick accent.”

“I don’t think I can blink anymore. Thank you, rabbit. Let’s get going.”

The three of them soon arrived at the bank of the river. Nearby, there was a basic wooden bridge, a few trees, and a dirt path. “I thought this was supposed to be the Undiscovered West,” Spike said. “What’s a road doing here? Why call it ‘Undiscovered’ if somepony’s been here?”

“Just because Ponies haven’t explored it doesn’t mean nothing lives here, Spike,” Twilight said. “The Thestrals live up in the mountain range. On the other side of the mountains are the Deer Kingdoms. If you go even further, you can find-”

“Twilight, look!” Fluttershy was at the edge of the river. “I think this is where the colt landed.”

Twilight trotted over to join her. “Did a fish tell you that?”

Fluttershy stared at the alicorn for a moment. “Fish don’t talk, Twilight.”

“Of course they don’t,” Twilight muttered.

Spike, who had dunked his head in the river, pulled his head back out of the water. “I think she’s talking about all of the rocks and weeds that’s scattered down there, Twi. I bet whichever of the colts it was, they hit hard enough to knock that stuff loose.”

“Which means they were going even faster to still have velocity coming out of the air,” Twilight mused. “How deep is that river, Spike?”

“Hang on, lemme check.” Spike stuck his head in the river again for a few seconds. “Pretty darn deep!” he said once he was back out. “Ten feet, at least. Maybe even fifteen! He’d have to be pretty strong to swim his way out with the river flowing”

“It might be Purple Heart, then,” Fluttershy said, flinching away as Spike shook the water from his scales. “He was the strongest of the three, after all.”

“Maybe…” Twilight looked around, spotting a tree that was growing next to the river. Her horn glowed as she cast a spell, revealing the magic that had been used on the area recently. The tree’s roots shimmered faintly; traces of magic used the night before. “Or maybe they weren’t.”

“Magic?” Fluttershy inspected the roots. “They’ve been pulled on. Could it be Wits End? He’s the only unicorn.”

“But Light Patch had magic in the game world,” Twilight said. “We don’t know if those three still have their abilities from the game world in Equestria. Purple Heart’s abilities could be considered magic here in Equestria, for that matter...”

“So it could be anypony,” Spike deadpanned. “Glad we got that figured out. Where’d he go after getting out of the water?”

“If I had to guess,” Twilight muttered, looking closely at the disturbed sand around the riverbank, “he probably went this way…” She looked up, seeing the trail follow the dirt path into the woods. “Oh hayfeathers.”

“What’s wrong?” Fluttershy asked.

“Remember how Spike asked why this was called the Undiscovered West?” Twilight gestured towards the woods. “That’s why. The forests around here are like the Everfree. They grow without pony supervision, and there’s all sorts of creatures that live in them.”

“That’s not… too bad,” Fluttershy whimpered.

“And these forests move.”

“...eep.”

“So now what?” Spike asked.

“Now?” Twilight sighed. “We go into the big scary forest.”

Chapter 3: Take Me Home~ Country Roads~

A sudden bump jolted Wits End awake, and he blearily opened his eyes and looked around. He found himself in a wooden cart along with three others, being pulled by a pony- no, a deer, wearing ornate armor. Before he had time to ask any questions, one of his cartmates spoke up.

“Hey, you! You’re finally awake!” Wits focused his eyes on the speaker: a dark-blue mare with pointed teeth and bat-like wings. “You were trying to cross the border, right?” The bat-pony chuckled. “Walked right into that Cervidae ambush, same as us,” she gestured to a purple bat-pony, “and that thief over there.”

“Oh come on, seriously?” The so-called ‘thief’ groaned. “You’re referencing that old story?”

“When else am I gonna have an opportunity like this?” the first bat-pony responded, before turning back to Wits. “The name’s Mousetail. That’s Leafnose,” the ‘thief’ grumbled, “and that’s Goldcrown,” a larger tan bat-colt waved. “The edgy one’s called Vampire.”

Wits looked at the black and red bat-pony over. “Not Shadow?”

Vampire looked at Wits out of the corner of his eye. “M’brother.”

“Of course.” Wits glanced around at the looming trees and mountain faces around them. “Where are we?”

“This? This is home!” Mousetail paused. “I mean, kinda. Our cave’s about half an hour’s fly away from the town.”

Wits nodded. “Riiiiiight. The town. The town we’re going to. The place we’re going to that is, specifically, a town. The going-to town.” He paused. “That town?”

Mousetail stared at him for a moment. “Yeah, that’s the one. Are you alright?”

“You have no idea how many times I’ve been asked that. Especially by myself.” Wits paused for a moment. “So… you’re bat-ponies, then?”

“Woah, dude,” Goldcrown cut in. “Like, I get that you’re, like, a pony-pony? But you can’t go around calling ponies ‘bat-ponies’, ya know? That’s, like, our word.”

“Oh, uh, sorry about that. I didn’t-”

Mousetail interrupted. “Nah, he’s givin’ you a hard time. Equestrians call us bat-ponies, but teeeeechnically we’re called Thestrals. You know, like how you’re a pony, but teeeeechnically you’re a Unicorn? It’s like that. But with bat-ponies and Thestrals.”

Wits blinked. “Boy, I feel like I’ve learned a lot. What am I doing here again?”

“We were wondering that too,” Leafnose cut in. “And we were going to ask, until this idiot got herself distracted.” Mousetail scoffed, but didn’t say anything more, so Leafnose continued. “We found you passed out off the road. You’re lucky we were traveling with a Deer, or else no-pony would’ve noticed you there.”

“It is unwise to walk the Rúnen Mysterui lacking a guide,” the armored deer answered, their voice lilting and ambiguous. “These woods can be… treacherous when alone.”

“Rune… what?” Wits asked.

“The Eastern Mystery,” Leafnose answered. “It’s what the Deer call the Shifting Woodlands.” He paused, seeing that the confusion hadn’t left the unicorn’s face. “It’s what you Equestrians call the Undiscovered West.”

“Ah, okay.” Wits was silent for a moment. “Where’s that, exactly?”

“The Undiscovered West?” Wits nodded, and Leafnose frowned. “It’s… to the west of Equestria.”

“Probably should’ve put that together myself…” Wits mumbled. That answers some questions, though, he thought. Not only am I a pony again, but I’m in the main Equestria universe. Sure wish I’d looked at a map from later in the series while I was still on Earth… But it sounds like I’m pretty far from anything I would’ve seen anyways. In any case, I need to get back to Equestria if I’m gonna get back home. “Where’s this cart going, anyway?”

The deer answered first. “We make for Manui Aras Dór, with our journey nearly over.”

“But first we’re stopping in Midton,” Mousetail said. “That’s the town I was talking about before. We’ll fly to the caves from there.”

Leafnose cut her off. “He doesn’t care, mossbrain.” He turned back to Wits End. “What about you? You heading into the Deer Kingdoms?”

“Not exactly…” Wits thought for a moment. If I’m here, then there’s a good chance Patchy and Purple are too. They might’ve landed around here, and made for the local town. He nodded. “Well, I guess I’m getting out at Midton, and then back to Equestria.”

Mousetail seemed impressed. “That’s a heck of a coincidence.”

“Yeah, I find myself in a lot of those.” Wits sighed. “For example, I’m going to ask how close we are to Midton, and it’ll turn out we’re already there.”

“You have able senses for a pony,” the deer said. “Indeed, we have arrived.”

Wits threw his forehooves into the air. “Ta-da.”

Midton, as it turned out, was more of a border post than a town. However, tightly knit walls of trees and brambles stretched out as far as Wits could see on either side of the settlement, with a thinner similar barrier encircling the town itself. What buildings he could see seemed to be a mix of typical pony architecture, and what he could only describe as ‘the most generic Elvish buildings imaginable’.

Wits whistled softly. “Is that to keep ponies out? Or deer in?”

“Need it be one or the other?” the deer asked, a faint hint of a smile in their voice. “You should dismount here. The guard shall assist you in entering.”

“This is where we take off too,” Mousetail said, while the other Thestrals literally took to the sky. “Hey, if you’re ever in the area, come stop by the caves. There’s a moss shawarma place you’ve got to try. My treat, of course.”

“I’ll… keep that in mind.” Wits shook his hoof. “Thanks.”

“No worries! Remember: half an hour that way by air, third cave on the left.” Mousetail waved, and took off. Soon, the Thestrals had vanished behind the treeline.

Wits hopped off of the cart, taking a few stumbling steps as his legs got used to holding him up again. “Thanks for the ride,” he said to the deer. “I don’t think I ever heard your name.”

The deer bowed their head. “I am known to some as Mellroch. May I have your name?”

Wits opened his mouth, then hesitated. “You may call me Mithrandir,” he said eventually.

A sly smile spread over Mellroch’s face. “An interesting precaution, my friend. However, in your case, might I recommend ‘Márandir’ instead?”

“Is that name given freely?”

Mellroch bowed their head again. “Without obligation, let, or lien.

Wits smiled back. “Then Márandir it is. I always wanted a cool alias.”

“Then I surely hope that we meet again, Márandir.”

“Yeah… Hey, what does Márandir mean, anyway?”

“In the Equestrian tongue? Loosely, it means ‘Wandering Hand’. It seemed fitting, given your markings.”

Wits blinked. “Markings? Hand?” He looked himself over. His pinto marking seemed to be in the same places as they were before. Then he found it: an open, white-gloved hand, emblazoned on either flank. “What? Who in the name of Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters put that there? How long was that-” Wits looked up to find Mellroch, and their cart, gone without a trace. He frowned. “I feel like there’s some confusion over what kind of Elves we’re dealing with here…”

He marched up and joined a line of ponies, griffon, and other native Equestrian creatures in front of the entrance to Midton, and soon became lost in thought. So now I have a Cutie Mark. I thought we didn’t have Cutie Marks in Discord’s game world because we were humans, and therefore didn’t have particular special talents? Why would that change just because we’re in Equestria? His eyebrows knitted together as the line moved forward. Is it because this is the Cutie Mark the local version of Wits End has? Maybe this is just a copy of the local Wits End’s Cutie Mark? Twilight did say there was a version of me in this world, sorta like Witstang in the EQG world.
His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. That’s right! What happened after we got pulled out of the EQG world? We beat the Hydra, but did the portals close? Or did everything get sucked into another universe? Oh sugar honey iced tea, I used the portal spell on Sunset too! Is she alright? I thought it’d send her back to Equestria, but what if she ended up somewhere else? Or worse, she’s trapped in the space between dimensions, being possessed by evil creatures that want nothing more than to conquer-slash-destroy the world as we know it? He paused. Actually, that’s probably too dark for a childrens’ cartoon. I bet she’s fine.

“Next!” Wits looked up from his revery. There was a pair of ponies at the gate in front of him, both in animated conversation with the deer guards. “I am sorry, sir,” one of the deer was saying, “but we cannot allow you to pass without the proper documentation.”

“Oh for the love of-” The yellow stallion cut himself off with a growl. “We have the consarned documentation. We gave it to you. You have it in your hooves!”

“You have most of the documentation,” the guard corrected. “Two days ago, it was decreed that all entrants must provide a copy of their dental records so they may be identified. Without that, no-pony may enter.”

“Dental records?” Steam seemed to blow out of the stallion’s nose. “Who the hay keeps a copy of their dental records on them?”

“It took us three days to get here!” A light green mare added. “How’re we supposed to bring records if we didn’t need them when we left?”

The guard’s expression remained placid, but firm. “I am sorry, but the decree clearly states-”

“Mind if I butt in?” Wits asked, stepping up to join the group. “Sounds like there’s some sort of trouble going on, and I thought I’d join in it.”

A shadow of a frown appeared on the guard’s lips. “Sir, please return to the-”

“This fella,” the stallion interrupted, “is saying we can’t go in on account of some papers they decided they needed after we left the homestead! Now, I aim to go through that gate, or my name ain’t Cobra Stan!”

Wits saw a pair of armed deer moving closer. “Good grief,” he muttered, then turned to the guard. “Look, I understand you have a job to do. An entry permit is required, yadda yadda, I get it.” Thin pale wisps flowed from his horn, making their way unnoticed to the guard. “But like they’ve said, the decree came in after they’d already left. Now, they don’t need dental records to leave, do they?”

“No,” the guard said slowly, “standard Equestrian travel documents are all that are necessary to return.”

“Well then,” Wits leaned in as he dropped his voice, “why don’t you just let them in for now? It’s not like they’re going to cause any trouble or anything, right? That way, everypony is happy. Sounds good?”

The deer hesitated. “Well…”

Wits put a little more force into his magic. “Come on. It’s just a couple of ponies. It will be fine.” His eyes seemed to glow faintly as he stared at the guard. “Trust me.”

After a few seconds, the guard stamped the top page of each set of documents with a green seal. “Here,” he said, passing the papers to the pair of ponies.

The ponies were surprised. Neither of them seemed to have noticed Wits’ use of magic. “Really?” the mare asked. “Just like that?”

Wits smiled, relaxing his spell on the guard. “Just like that. Right?”

The guard nodded. “Just refrain from causing any trouble.”

The stallion laughed, and clapped Wits on the back. “Thanks a million, kid! I owe you one!”

“We both do,” the mare said. “Thank you so much.”

“Ahh, weren’t no thing.” Wits tried to hide his blush. “Go have fun, you two.” He turned back to the guard, sending another pulse of magic into him. “They should have fun, right?”

The guard hesitated for a moment. “Enjoy your stay.”

With another back of laughter, the stallion picked up their luggage and led the way through the gate, with the mare following close behind him. Wits sighed in content, releasing his magic. “Nice to do a good deed once in a while.”

Although confused, the deer nodded. “Yes… I suppose so.”

“Excuse me!” A mare’s voice carried over the sound of conversations in the line behind Wits. A familiar voice. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria. Has anypony seen a small, mint-colored unicorn recently?”

Wits twitched. “Small? Really?” He grumbled, turning towards the voice and opening his mouth to respond.

“Please,” Twilight’s voice continued, “if you’ve seen him, we need you to tell us. It’s possible that he and his friends are in grave danger.”

Wits’ mouth snapped shut. Grave danger? he thought. What’s going on? Who’re we in danger from? Wait, is Twilight the danger? Oh snap, is this one of those grimdark alternate universe versions of Equestria? Twilight could be here with a squad of pony-sized stormtroopers. Why else would she refer to herself as Princess of Equestria like that? He turned to the guard, sending more wisps of white magic into him. “Let me in, right now.”

The guard visibly shuddered. “I…”

“I do not have time to make this a discussion. Let. Me. In.” Wits glanced over his shoulder, spotting a pair of purple wings over the crowd. “Please.”

The deer turned away, retrieving a temporary pass and stamping it in one smooth motion, and passed it to Wits. “Here.”

“Thanks. Do me one more favor.” Wits started moving to the gate as he spoke. His magic reached out and touched each of the guards, and the surrounding ponies waiting to enter. “Forget you ever saw me.” With that, he ducked through the gate and out of site.

Twilight Sparkle, along with Fluttershy and Spike, approached the dazed-looking deer guard. “Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy squeaked. “Was the full title really, um, necessary?”

“There’s ponies and non-ponies from all over the world here,” Twilight replied. “They might not know who I am, but flaunting the Princessness helps to skip some ‘who do you think you are’ steps.” She turned to the guard with a polite smile. “Hi. Have you seen a small unicorn stallion come by here? He’s kind of blue-ish green and sarcastic?”

The guard blinked. “I have never seen anypony by that description,” he said flatly.

Twilight frowned. “That’s going to make this more difficult,” she said. “If he’s still lost in the forest, it could be days before it shifts so that he can find a path back out.”

“Hey!” A yellow stallion poked his head through the gate, despite the protests of one of the nearby deer guards. “Is that little unicorn fella still around? We just realized we never got his name.”

“It’s a bit harder to thank him without that,” a light green mare agreed, similarly ignoring the guard’s protest.

Spike looked up at Twilight. “A little unicorn fellow. That sounds like your friend.”

“He’s only my friend if he’s not in trouble with a foreign kingdom,” Twilight muttered. She trotted over to the pair of ponies at the gate. “Was he a Pinto stallion? Kind of mint-colored?”

The stallion grinned. “That sounds like him! If he ain’t here, he must’ve gotten in too.”

“Probably a lot easier for a smooth talker like him,” the mare said. “He talked that guard into letting us in without a problem.” She paused, taking in Twilight’s horn and wings. “Uh, not that there were any kind of problems, princess.”

“Sounds like he’s in trouble with a foreign kingdom,” Spike deadpanned. Fluttershy nodded.

Twilight turned to the deer guard. “We’re going in there to find him.”

“Miss,” the guard said, “we cannot let anypony in without proper docum-”

“Take it up with Princess Celestia,” Twilight cut him off, stomping past the guards. “Come on. Let’s go find Wits before he gets himself in more trouble.”

Spike skipped along, entering after Twilight. “This is exciting! I’ve never broken into another country before!”

“I wish it wasn’t so exciting,” Fluttershy mumbled, following behind them.

* * *

A glob of wet sand hit the ground as Purple Heart climbed up and out of the crater. He wiped his lips with a foreleg and swallowed, trying to lubricate his parched throat.

“Frackin’ sand,” he swore as he mounted the lip of the crater. “I hate sand. It’s coarse and rough and gets everywhere. Absolutely messes with saliva production if it gets in your mouth and it's a right nag when it gets in your eyes. I hate sand.” Lifting a leg, he shielded his eyes as he peered around. Sand dunes stretched on into the horizon to the north, east, and south. A massive cliff dominated his view of the west. Up the cliff-face, Purple Heart could see the telltale signs of a furrow at the highest ledge where the trees peaked.

He let out a low whistle and panned his gaze down to the crater he’d just vacated.

“Last time, I didn’t make near as big a hole, if one at all,” he mused, recalling his other instance of rapidly descending to earth. He looked at the sand around him and groaned.

“I have no memory of this place,” he grumbled. He looked skyward. “Any chance this is another of Discord’s little jokes? Huh? Cos if it is, a sandcrawler right about now would be marvelous.”

No response. Just a gentle breeze brushing across the dunes.

“Well carp,” Purple Heart groaned. “Best start walking.” He set off, hugging the cliff-face to the west. The sun was beating down on him and with any luck, afternoon hours would soon settle in, allowing him to cool off in the shadow of the cliff. The first thing he needed to do was get out of this blasted desert and find some locals to get some idea of where he was. If he was indeed back in the game world, his best bet was to find a way to Gallopilli. A shudder rippled down his body. Amber Glitter would be there. That would be an interesting conversation. Painful too.

Purple Heart cocked his head as a thought struck him. What if this was Equestria proper, the original world the Mane Six belonged to? His best choice then would be to get to Ponyville so Twilight could sort out this mess. Purple Heart was getting tired of being a colored pony. Any chance there was of returning home and staying there permanently was a chance he’d take.

He looked over his shoulder, a pensive expression on their face as he considered the possibilities. A color shift caught his attention and he glanced down. His eyes widened and, unbeknownst to him, flashed green ever so briefly. Imprinted on his flank was a cutie mark: a tree with a pair of masks hanging from its branches.

“The hell is this...” Purple Heart whispered, staring at his marked flank. He looked skyward. “What is this? Some kind of joke?” Again, no response.

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed and he returned his gaze to his hindquarters. He recognized this mark. Something was twitching at the back of his mind that he’d seen this before. He just couldn’t remember where. Shaking his head, he focused on walking, scanning the horizon for any sign of civilization or settlement that would get him out of this blasted sand trap.

Hours passed. The sun slipped behind the trees at the top of the cliff and Purple Heart let out a relieved sigh. Once again possessing a purple hide, he wasn’t all that interested in finding out what a sunburned colt looked like. Or felt for that matter.

“You lost, friend?”

Purple Heart did not jump in surprise. He didn’t squawk like a cat with a trodden tail. And he certainly didn’t send the male pegasus who’d surprised him barreling into the cliff-face.

“Owowowowowow! What the Hades! That hurt!” the blonde-maned, dark brown colt whined.

Purple Heart stared at the colt, chest heaving as adrenaline pumped through his body.

“Euuuuuh,” he droned. “Sorry about that.”

“I hope you are!” the colt snapped, falling out of the colt-shaped imprint. He stretched his wings, flexing them to feel if there was any damage. “That hurt!”

“Eh, walk it off,” Purple Heart shrugged. “You’ll be fine.” He blinked. Then he looked at the wincing colt before him.

“You!”

The colt balked, slowly turning his head to stare at Purple Heart. “Me?”

“You can help me get out of this blasted desert, can’t you?!” Purple Heart demanded, studying forward to grab the colt by the shoulders.

“I-I-I guess I ca-” the colt barely managed to stammer out a few words when Purple Heart started shaking him.

“Where even the blasted carp am I?!” he bellowed into the poor colt’s face. “And who are you?!”

“S-stop sh-sh-shaking me, p-p-p-please!” the colt groaned. “I’m g-gonna h-h-hurl!”

Purple Heart let go and the colt slumped to the ground, eyes squeezed shut as he tried to acclimate to being still again.

“Sorry about that,” Purple Heart said smoothly. “It's been a rough day.”

“Yeah,” the colt wheezed in agreement. “Mine too.” He straightened and held out a hoof. “The name’s Buck Skykicker.”

Purple Heart’s face was a rictus of a grin as he mechanically shook the younger colt’s hoof.

“Purple Heart,” he replied stiffly.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” Skykicker asked, squinting at the large earth pony.

“Verily not,” Purple confirmed. “Care to share where we are?”

Skykicker snorted. “Well,” he said, “if there’s a civilized part of Equestria, you’re at the point it's farthest from.” He looked out at the desert to the east, missing Purple Heart’s massive eye roll and silent groan. “The oasis settlement of Anchorhoof is about a league or so into the Badlands and the underground trade hub of Moss Equus is just around that jutting cliff.” The pegasus jerked a hoof further south at a peninsula of the cliff.

He turned back to Purple Heart. “I’d recommend against going to Moss Equus,” Skykicker warned. “You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

The purple earth pony arched an eyebrow at the young pegasus. “Practice that in the mirror, do you?” he drawled.

Skykicker blushed. “Just something one of the elders likes to say,” he said.

“Ahuh,” Purple grunted. “I think I’ll head toward Anchorhoof then.”

Skykicker grinned. “I’m going that way myself. Want me to show you the way?”

“Yes please.”

“With any luck, we’ll be there by dusk,” the pegasus said, turning eastward. “Barring any unexpected encounters.”

Purple Heart frowned. “Unexpected encounters?” he echoed. “Like what?”

“Well, there’s all manner of creatures hiding in the Badlands,” Skykicker replied cheerfully. “But the ones you have to worry about are the Tusken Raiders.”

Purple Heart balked. “Tusken… Raiders?”

“Yeah. They aren’t bad or anything like that. Just a brigade that got separated from an invading army or something a long time ago. If anything, the worst they do is eat all the food and drink all the cactus juice.”

“...Right. Sounds like they drank a little too much cactus juice if you ask me,” Purple Heart muttered.

“I say, good pony, but do you happen to have any victuals about? I am asking politely now so that I do not have to get violent later,” a rumbling voice asked from behind the two colts.

Purple Heart and Skykicker stiffened, slowly turning around to see a number of elephants materialize in front of the cliff-face. The lead elephant towered above them, large pale tusks shining in the vanishing sunlight. A round red cap perched atop his gray head at a jaunty angle and did nothing to match the stiff grin on the elephant’s face.

“Uhhh,” the two colts chorused.

“I am Colonel Hathi, commanding officer of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army,” the lead elephant introduced himself, saluting with a stick the length of Purple’s foreleg and a fourth as thick. “I must implore you to provide any and all supplies you might possess so that my patrol and I may continue our hunt with full stomachs.”

Purple Heart leaned sideways and whispered to Skykicker. “What do they usually do if you don’t give them food and juice?”

“They challenge the town to a duel and leave if they lose,” Skykicker replied.

“And if they win?”

“They take the supplies and prisoners.”

“Ahuh. Good to know.”

Purple Heart stepped forward, gulping silently as he gave a silent prayer to ask for Wits End’s assistance in this act of BS-ery.

“Greetings, Colonel,” Purple Heart said. “I’ve been searching for you or one of your fellow officers for some time now.” Hathi blinked, his stick tapping the top of his head.

“Ahh… you have?”

“Of course I have!” Purple Heart smiled widely. “I’m the new liaison to Their Majesty’s Desert Army! I’ve been walking around this ghastly desert for nearly a week without any luck and now I’ve finally found you!”

“Ahh… you have.”

“Their Majesty’s are worried about you and your troops being out here for so long,” Purple Heart said considerately. “I can’t begin to imagine how long you’ve been patrolling with no reprieve.”

Hathi puffed himself up and Purple Heart resisted the urge to gulp at the towering grey behemoth before him. “Their Majesties’ need not worry about us!” the Colonel boomed. “We elephants are perfectly built for this kind of mission! One hundred years in a desert would have driven a battalion of ponies mad!”

Purple Heart’s eyes widened. “Most impressive,” he whistled. “And during all this time, you’ve not forgotten your mission?”

“Of course not!” Hathi huffed. Several of the elephants behind him scoffed derisively and Purple Heart resisted the urge to scowl at them.

Hathi leaned forward, brought his face bare inches away from Purple’s nose, and closed an eye while focusing on the earth pony before him with the other. “Remember: An elephant never forgets!”

Purple Heart blinked twice at the eye half the size of his face and nodded slowly. “My mistake.” He stepped back, clearing his personal space of several tonnes of elephant, idly noting Skykicker moving to hide behind him. “Might I be so bold as to inquire on the status of your mission?”

Hathi sighed heavily, scratching at an ear with his stick as he straightened.

“Unfortunately, it appears that we have stalled out, so to speak,” the Colonel stated. “Our quarry has remained elusive for about ten years now. The other officers and myself all agree that we have not exterminated them from the region. There are still reports from across the Badlands of our quarry’s passing. We never seem to be able to pursue and successfully capture them before they vanish into the Wastes.”

“What are you hunting?” Purple Heart asked.

“Womp rats.”

The purple earth pony blinked. “Ah. Womp rats?”

“Well, technically they are called Rattus Magnus, but we of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade call them Womp rats because of the sound they make when we step on them,” the Colonel elaborated. “Skittish little things that hide in transportation boxes. They like to make a meal of just about anything they can get their claws on. We have routed a number of nests over the course of our mission, but we can never seem to eradicate them completely.”

“Hum...” Purple Heart mused. “Well then...” He looked up at Colonel Hathi. “My suggestion would be to stand down until I’ve received instructions from Their Majesties. Start enacting furlow protocols and rationing if you already haven’t. I’ll make my way to Canterlot to appraise them of the current status of the mission.”

Hathi puffed up again. “I must inform the liaison that we only take orders from Their Majesties’ or a General of the Royal Guard,” the elephant colonel stated.

“And I must inform the Colonel that this is a recommendation and not an order,” Purple Heart snapped back. “I may be retired from the Guard, but that does not mean you can push me around, Colonel Hathi. I suggest you stand. Down.”

“I am ignoring your suggestion, liaison,” Hathi sneered, “and shall continue to perform at combat capability until our mission is complete or we are dead.”

Purple Heart scowled. “Stubborn old fart,” he muttered. He raised his voice. “Colonel Hathi.” His eyes glowed green and strings flicked from his chest to connect to the elephant colonel’s leg.

“Stand. Down.”

Colonel Hathi blinked. “Yes, sir.” He turned to address his patrol, ignoring the stunned colts behind him. “Let us get on with it, troops. Back to Base Camp.” The previously standing at ease elephants straightened before the Colonel. “Right face!” Clouds of dust burst into the air as the elephants turned into single file. “Forward, march!” Perfectly in sync, the patrol marched off to the cadence called out by the sergeant. Hathi turned back to Purple Heart, whose mouth was still hanging open.

“The Officers and I shall await further instruction, sir,” the elephant colonel stated. Tucking his stick behind an enormous ear, Hathi turned and marched off after his troops, leaving the two colts alone in the shadow of the cliff-face.

“Are you really the new liaison to the Desert Army?” Skykicker asked as the patrol vanished over the dunes.

Purple Heart didn’t say anything as his attention was on the strings sprouting from his chest. “Hmm...”

“Purple Heart?” Skykicker prompted, tapping the colt on the shoulder.

“Hmm?” The purple earth pony looked at the pegasus.

“Are you really the new liaison to the Desert Army?” Skykicker repeated, trying to hide his excitement.

Purple Heart’s brow quirked, and he gave the younger colt a small smile.

“I take it you want to join the Royal Guard?” Purple Heart asked, glancing at his shivering companion.

Skykicker wilted slightly. “Want to, yeah,” he confirmed. “Can is a whole other thing. My uncle needs my help on the farm and I’m loath to leave him alone doing all the work by himself.” Purple Heart hummed.

“Well, if I ever encounter an evil empire, I’ll let you know,” he promised with a chuckle. Skykicker blinked at him.

“Huh?” he grunted intelligently.

“Nothing.” Purple Heart waved a dismissive hoof. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, sir. Shall I escort you to Moss Equus?”

Purple Heart shook his head, pulling the strings back into his chest.

“It's getting too late. We can go in the morning,” he said. “I wouldn’t say no to bunking at your village.” A grin curved his lips. “I can promise I won’t challenge them to a duel in exchange for food.”

Buck Skykicker snorted a laugh and he nodded. “I can do that, sir.” He pointed with a wing towards the east, perpendicular to the elephants moving north. “We’ll be there around nightfall.”

Purple Heart nodded and the two started walking over the dunes. He looked down, blinking at the string that poked out from his shoulder.

“That’s very interesting...” he murmured softly.

* * *

“The Talon Mercenaries have already laid claim to this farm, so you Bowgunners can just blow away,” the griffon said, shoving the minotaur standing in front of him.

“You little birds couldn’t keep us away from your roost. What makes you think you can keep us from the plunder of this little farm?” The minotaur snarled, getting down onto one knee and snorting into the face of the griffon, who backpedaled as he wiped his face. He moved to respond, but was cut off when a young mare jumped between the two.

“If you fight here there, won’t be anything for you to take! You’ll just destroy what you’re trying to-” The mare was hauled back away by an older stallion.

“Winter Sun, I told you to go help pack. There ain’t no way this isn’t gonna end in a fight.” The older stallion frowned, trying to push his daughter away from the now leering bandits.

“But we need to make them realize; fighting here and now will only destroy what little they might be interested in plundering,” Winter Sun replied as she struggled to free herself from her dad’s grip

“It’s not about the food or money anymore now, so get back to the house and help pack.” He told his daughter again, cutting her off. The griffon leader used one of his paws to crush one of the winter melons near him before laughing. The rest of the griffons also joined in, either in laughter or crushing.

“Stop wasting our food!” the minotaur leader thundered as he threw himself back to his standing position. A female minotaur joined him, grinning sadistically as she hefted a warhammer. “Then again, even if you crush a bunch... Melon never did go good with poultry, did it Minnie?” The female minotaur shook her head.

“Pray to your gods, because no guards, reinforcements, or mysterious strangers will save you this time,” The griffon leader said, drawing his own weapon.

Both sides started to advance towards each other as the ponies ran towards the main farmhouse. All froze like the snow around them when a short guitar riff echoed across the valley.

“What the... Where’d this hat come from?” a new voice asked, drawing the attention of all present. Between the ponies, but not quite between the griffons and minotaurs, now stood a grey stallion wearing a brown fedora and a long brown trench coat. The pony took the hat off, looking at it before he looked up, and the three groups could notice the streak of pink that ran through the otherwise brown hair. “This coat would have been nice to have had a bit ago too,” he muttered more quietly, wrapping it a little tighter.

“Where did…” Winter Sun’s father sputtered. “That spot was just empty.”

“Not many who can teleport,” the griffon leader said, looking appraisingly at the stallion. “Especially those that ain’t unicorns. I gotta wonder what other bits of gear that coat of ours is hiding.”

“Your coat? So this pony is a part of your mercs... You afraid to operate without a pony to hold your talons, Solosun?” the minotaur leader jeered, earning a laugh from his cohorts.

“I’m saying our coat because I’m sure this pony is smart enough to pick the winning team,” the griffon bit back. “Unlike yours, Grill”

“So you're saying he’ll join us then?” Minnie quipped back, a smirk just peeking out from underneath her nose-ring.

“Uh, what?” the grey pony smartly replied, having just noticed he wasn’t still alone in the snow. He looked around, noticing the two farm ponies before he looked behind himself. His eyes locked on the two bandit groups arguing over him.

“Well, what’s it gonna be, little pony? Are you gonna join the winners? Or birds?” The minotaur asked, her face close enough for her breath to be felt on the grey stallion’s face. He sat down, fighting the urge to lift up his hooves and try to warm them in the breath.

“I, uh.” Light Patch looked between the two bandit leaders. Both were crowding his personal space, and alternating between glaring at each other, and questioningly glaring at him. “Either hug me so I can warm up, or get out of my personal space and give me time to thaw my frozen brain. I’ve been stuck in the middle of this frozen waste so long I can’t barely even feel anything!” he shouted, causing the two to back off before he could drag them in to try and steal their warmth.

“Fine, I guess we can give you a little time to warm up,” Solosun said. “Not like any of this is going anywhere. Go get yourself warm, then you can help us show these uppity cows the dirt they belong in.” With that, the griffons walked back through the snow to their camp at one of the far ends of the field; crushing winter melons as they went. The minotaur bandits wheeled about and went back to their camp at the same time.

Light Patch looked between the two bandits’ camps before he turned to look at the two farm ponies.

“I’ve only ever seen one other family that could do... that,” Winter Sun’s father said with a vague motion towards Light Patch. “You’re not one of the Pie family, are you?”

“Nope, Light Patch. But Pinkie Pie is one of my friends. Mind if we finish this while I’m warming up in your house?” Light Patch asked, pointing towards the house that the rest of the family was gathered around. “Besides, it looks like you’ve got a bit of a bandit problem for me to help you with.”

“You’ll help us save the farm?” Winter Sun asked, looking at him in awe.

“What can you possibly do?” the filly’s father asked, looking skeptically at the stallion.

“With some help from you and your family, I think we can rig the game before they even start,” Light Patch replied with a grin.

A few minutes later, Light Patch and the farmers had gathered in their house. Light Patch was next to the fireplace in which a small fire burned. He nibbled at the last bits of food on his plate. “Thanks for the meal, Glacial Hue,” he replied with a nod to the mare standing next to Perma Frost, Winter Sun’s father.

“You said you had a way to rig the fight against them?” The stallion answered with a question, staring hard at the grey pegasus. “I’m not agreeing to anything yet, but if you have a way to keep them from tearing the place apart, I’m all ears.” Light Patch’s ears flicked a little at the mention of said body part, and forced himself to simply nod.

“I’m not much of a crafty per- pony,” he corrected himself, “and I really wish a friend of mine, whose better at all of this, was here. But yeah, I do have a couple of ideas we could use to try and weaken both groups, hopefully making it easier to deal with them all.” Light Patch continued before finishing off his plate of food.

“So where do we begin?” Winter Sun eagerly asked.

“You know, both of those groups were looking less than pleased at fighting in the farm’s fields. In fact, they looked like they could all do with a decent meal.”

“You’re suggesting we feed the ones about to destroy the farm Gacial Hue’s family has spent so long building up,” Perma Frost stated dourly.

“Yes, but what a shame; you were in such a hurry to try and ingratiate yourselves to them that you cut a few corners on the food prep,” Light Patch said sweetly, his face a mask of innocence and concern except for the evil grin. “Maybe some pony didn’t wash their hooves. Maybe something slightly moldy got used. I do hope not too many of them become sick.”

“That is, if you can even get the griffins to eat any of it,” mentioned one of the other family members, whose name had escaped Light Patch.

“Few would be able to resist a warm warm winter melon pie on this cold day,” Glacial Hue replied for Light Patch, already making her way to the kitchen. “I’ll need help, and probably more melons than we have in the house though.”

“That's okay,” Light Patch continued. “That need plays into another idea of mine. I think it’s probably a little early to harvest, but if they do end up fighting in that field, you’ll need all of the bits and seeds you can spare to rebuild and resow the farm after their fight. A small winter melon is better than none. So, of course, you're trying to pick as many as you can. You’ll wanna be careful though: haste makes waste. And with the snow, any holes not refilled or rakes lost in the drifts could become quite the hazard.”

Perma Frost allowed a ghost of his smile to grace his muzzle. “It’s risky, but if it works it’ll save the farm. And if it fails... Well, we were gonna lose the farm anyway.” He said before gathering up several of the ponies and leading them out to the fields.

Winter Sun looked expectantly at Light Patch, waiting for the next idea. After a minute of silence, she finally spoke up. “Well? What other ideas do you have?”

Light Patch blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “That was it,” he sheepishly admitted.

Winter Sun looked speculatively at Light Patch before she cautiously asked. “Have you ever made stink bombs?” At the shaking of his head, she continued. “You wanna learn how?” she asked, smiling the smile that only a trouble maker could achieve.

Several intense hours of chemistry later, Light Patch now knew more than he’d maybe ever wanna know about making stink bombs; as well as a few other bits the young mare thought might be useful. He happily noted that the farmers had come up with a few of their own ideas, and had implemented them as well during all of that.

He was pleased to note that it had a clear effect, as when the two bandit groups faced off against each other again were significantly smaller. He passed by the famers standing up around the house, waiting for the battle to finish so they could sweep out the remaining bandits if possible.

All except for Perma Frost, who’d helped to take the pies out earlier, and was still there hoping to convince the two groups to just walk away from the fight. “You seem to be short several members. Even with this stallion's assistance, I doubt this battle will truly be as decisive as you’d like. Please, just take some food and go.”

Solosun grimaced and started to say something, before burping and clutching his stomach. After a moment, he was able to speak again, “You're right. We could still beat these blowgunners, but it wouldn’t shut them down.”

“Hah.” Grill attempted to give a boisterous laugh, before it was cut off by a burp that sounded dangerously close to much worse things. “You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.” The minotaur then turned to glare at Light Patch and Perma Frost. “Even with the pony’s help. Then again, he’s already made it clear whose side he’s picked.”

“I have?” Light Patch took a step back in surprise. As sick as the minotaur was, he still towered over Light Patch.

“Don’t think we weren’t dumb enough to watch you farmers and make sure you didn’t strike a deal with the Blowgunners to help them,” the griffon leader spat back.

“Our scout saw your hurried attempt to save the food. Wasteful of tools, but then again most can easily be replaced or repaired. But to bring us food? A nice gesture... Or a Trotjan attack when we started getting sick.” The minotaur growled as he held his stomach.

“What you didn’t count on,” Solosun continued where the minotaur left off, “was for our standing forces to immediately go to attack each other, only to notice the same problem. Why would they be sick if they had used you ponies to poison us? It was then they started to compare notes. And the scouts started to chip in with some... strange things they’d noticed.”

Light Patch’s pupils shrank, and Perma Frost backed several paces away.

“I hate admitting that I can’t wipe out the Talon mercenaries right here and now,” Grill stated, “but with them... We should easily be able to clear you lot out easily.” The minotaurs, still healthy enough, or just angry enough, to fight moved forward, alongside the still healthy griffons.

Light Patch quickly jumped in front of Perma Frost and looked back at him. “Run,” he said, his tongue rasping against the dry insides of his mouth.

“But you’ll,” Perma Frost started to counter.

“It was my dumb idea. I…” He choked on his words and swallowed. “Save your family,” he said simply, before turning to face the hoof-full of bandits all bearing down on him.

Minnie charged at Light Patch, her battleaxe raised to chop him in half. Having telegraphed the swing, Light Patch had plenty of time to jump to the side, and he quickly swung his hoof into the minotaur’s side. He was rewarded with a disappointed grunt from the minotaur. And a sore hoof. “Oh, that does not bode well,” he said, instinctively using his wings to jump over a thrust of griffon spears.

He froze his wings and fell, his hooves connecting with one of the spears and breaking it. The rest were pulled clear of his attack. Still inside of the griffons’ spears, he lunged out at one of them and his hoof connected with a helmet, giving him another sore hoof.

A grunt, and he turned to find himself square in the path of a huge battle axe. He closed his eyes and barely had a chance to even think before he heard the battle axe thud into the ground. He opened an eye, and found himself looking at his own reflection in the battle axe’s polished side.

“What?” The minotaur was surprised, having been sure her attack was on point. The other standing bandits murmured but focused on finishing him off.

In the reflection of the axe, Light saw the spears coming for him again and started to move, but suddenly found himself on the other side, listening to the spears ping off or snap as they hit the axe. He stood up on his hind legs and peaked over the top of the axe to the other side.

“I’ve been hanging around Pinkie too much,” he said, blinking before smirking. He reached into a bag Winter Sun had given him and threw one of the stink bombs. Several of the bandits backed off, holding their noses. Several on the sides who’d just been watching suddenly dropped and started to retch.

A roar of anger brought his attention back to the minotaur female, whose fist was rocketing towards his face. Using his wings, he jumped up, causing her fist to slam into her own axe. The minotaur gasped and dropped to her knees.

“Awe, that sounded painful. Let me just kiss it and make it better,” Light Patch mocked, leaning and giving the back of her hand a quick peck before ducking under her wild counter swing.

The sound of spears brought his attention back to the griffons that had spread out. “Oh look, the birds wanna play too,” he said, trying to goad them into the same anger.

He continued to use his new powers to duck and weave around their merry go round of stabyness. His ability to dodge the blows grew more and more precise as he quickly gained familiarity with his abilities. The one thing he was lacking, and wished he’d had, was a hammer of his own. Feeling a twinge, he reached behind himself, only for his hooves to feel a familiar handle.

The bandits gasped at the sudden appearance of a hammer. Light Patch just gave a bark of laughter. “The hammer space is strong with this one.” He looked around, taking advantage of the break in combat, which caused him to catch a glimpse of a couple of griffons who’d noticed Winter Sun trying to drag the cart loaded with the family's possessions. The young mare, however, hadn’t noticed the griffons coming for her.

Without a thought, Light Patch did the only thing he could think of. With a quick spin, he threw his hammer towards the bandits. With satisfaction, he watched the hammer kiss the feathers on the back of the neck of one ,and smash the spear of the other. Winter Sun heard the commotion and turned to see the stunned griffons. With a squeak of surprise, she threw her pouch of stink bombs towards them and bolted.

Light Patch’s smile gleaned as he turned back to the fight; just in time for Minnie’s fist to slam into his face and send him sprawling. This was the signal for the other bandits to pounce in on him and start wailing away. Light suddenly found all of his powers non functional, and did the only thing he left that he could: he curled up into a ball as he tried to weather the kicks, punches, and spear butts assailing him.

“Enough.” Solosun casually walked closer, the various bandits parting to allow him to approach the grey ball that was Light Patch. “You tried to save this farm and its inhabitants. I must commend your sacrifice. You did save the family.” As he spoke, the Talon Mercenary leader grabbed the pegasus and lifted him gently to his hooves, before using his claws to force Light Patch to look towards the farmhouse.

He watched the bandits pick through the cart, grabbing a few items that they were interested in and smashing the rest. Others were busy looting or smashing up the rest of the farm.

“But you failed the farm,” the other bandit leader said before he held a torch out to the minotaur with the battleaxe. With a nod, said minotaur quickly walked up to the house and, without a second thought, chucked the lit torch through the window. Within minutes, the house was burning merrily.

“It’d be nice to stick around and watch this place burn to the ground,” the torch bearer minotaur said to her leader. The griffon leader added a strike of his own to Light Patch before dropping him.

“While I agree, you should make yourself as scarce as we’re about to. Somebeing else will see that smoke and report it, and town guards or some kind of anti-bandit militia will be here before it’s finished, I assure you.” The griffon leader said before shouting to get his unit, breaking their camp and getting ready to move.

“What of the pony?” Grill asked. The rest of the conversation quickly ended up outside of Light’s reduced ability to hear over the new ringing in his ears. Instead, he kept watch on the house. His vision swam with color as the fire spread.

He lay there watching it burn, feeling like he should be worried, or sorrowful, but the various pains and numbness settling in because of the snow dulled his mind and left it mostly blank. After a few quiet minutes of continuing to just watch the house burn, he arduously began to drag himself towards the house through the snow, the heat of the inferno growing warmer. The snow around him started to also shrink away until, finally, the heat started to become unbearable. He stopped and let his tired body flop over onto its side, his swollen eye resting on the snow. Once again, he laid there in the rapidly melting snow, just watching the house burn.

Barely even noticing that it had begun to snow again.

Chapter 4: …Are These The Colts We’re Looking For?

Pinkie froze in mid hop, which Rarity would have liked until she noticed the specific set of Pinkie Sense she hated being familiar with: a friend getting terribly injured. A few minutes after that, they saw the column of smoke. That caused their hurried pace to break out into a frantic run. They closed in on the source of the smoke quickly and could just barely make out the burning house. Shortly, they found themselves close enough to feel the heat of the fire as it consumed the house.

“Oh dear,” Rarity said as she watched the fire for a few moments. “I do hope no pony was hurt.”

“Y-yeah, me too,” Pinkie chimed in. The two looked around the apparently deserted farm beside the house, but their eyes kept being drawn back to the raging fire.

“I do wonder what happened here. I hope it was an accident,” Rarity said. She forced herself to look away from the house.

“I agree. I wish I could just chalk it up to an accident or something but... If it was, why isn’t any pony trying to put this fire out?” Pinkie asked, her eyes darting to and fro. “You don’t think it was ban-” Pinkie’s sentence died as she heard something just barely making itself heard over the fire. She started to walk around the house.

“Bandits? I’m not sure. I hope not. We don’t even have any bits.” Rarity giggled slightly at the small joke but noticed the lack of Pinkie’s giggles joining hers. She looked around and saw Pinkie moving around the house. “Wait! It wasn’t that bad of a joke!” Rarity hurried to catch up, only to run into Pinkie when the pink mare suddenly froze. “Ow! Why did you stop?”

“It’s Light Patch.” Pinkie whispered. Rarity’s pupils shrank and she looked around her to see a battered and bruised Light Patch lying unconscious in the snow. The two ponies quickly tramped through the deepening snow to get to their friend.

“This looks really bad,” Rarity said, trying to open the small medical kit Pinkie had pulled from her hair. As Rarity fumbled with the kit, Pinkie set to gently move Light Patch onto a small blanket also pulled from her hair.

“I don’t think he’s got any cuts, just bruises and whatever's going on inside,” Pinkie said with her ear against his chest. Her head shot up when he coughed and opened his eyes.

“You’re a little late to the hitting party,” Light Patch joked weakly. A gasp escaped Rarity. The mare bopped him on his nearest shoulder without thinking. Her chastisement died in her throat when the stallion gasped in pain.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t think, I just-” Light Patch gave a pained couple of laughs.

“Laughter heals so they say. Hah, ow, hah, ow,” the grey stallion wheezed as Rarity did what she could with what was in the medical kit.

“What happened to you?” Pinkie asked, alternating between assisting Rarity and digging through her mane for anything useful.

“I fought the bandit law, and the bandit law won,” Light Patch half sang before coughing again. He leaned his head up to take a sip from the water canteen Pinkie provided. He winced in pain as Rarity checked one of his rear legs. “Ow. That felt bad.”

“Do you think it’s broken?” She asked the stallion, only earning a shake of his head.

“No, but walking has been demoted to whimpering and limping,” Light Patch replied. Then she touched the other leg. His eyes bugged out and he ‘hngh’ed in pain. “That. That one might be broken.”

“Oh dear... I’ll have to find some wood to splint it.”

“This would be easier if there wasn’t so much snow… or the house wasn’t on fire,” Pinkie chimed in as she jumped around, digging through the snow looking for anything of use. Her head cocked to one side. “Or, you know, you could use your healing magic. If you still have it. That would really simplify things.” Pinkie turned away, shoving her head into the snow.

Light Patch and Rarity looked at each other questioningly. With a painful shrug, Light Patch held up a hoof and tapped himself. A light shone out from his hoof to encapsulate his entire body. Several pops and cracks echoed from within as bones readjusted and fixed themselves. His broken leg stretched out and then popped back into place. Most of the bruising remained, but he felt better than he had before.

“What was that?” Pinkie asked, her head popping out of the snow near the two ponies.

“Good news. I got my healing magic back, but it’s weaker than it used to be.” Light Patch said going to do a thumbs up. He paused, blinking. “Right, hooves. Gonna have to get used to that again.” Light Patch sighed, laying his head on the snowy ground. The three ponies quietly digested that information before a loud noise dragged their attention to the house which had burned enough for it’s upper floors to collapse into the rest of the house. “You guys didn’t run into the farmers, did you?”

“Come again?” Rarity asked looking back at Light Patch.

“The farmers that lived here. I tried to help them against some bandits, then held the bandits off while they fled when everything went wrong.”

“No. I’m sorry, we didn’t see any ponies. We just noticed the smoke and hurried over.”

“I hope they're okay. I already failed to try and protect their home,” Light Patch muttered into the snow. “Thought I was gonna win the fight too, porting all over like... Well, like Pinkie.” Rarity looked at the stallion in shock and Pinkie had a flurry of emotions, first surprise then anger and finally settling in on curiosity.

“So, you were the one stealing my schtick,” Pinkie said contemplatively. “Was it just teleporting or were you able to do anything else?”

“Teleporting. It was the main reason I was winning the fight. I was doing fairly good too. Until I went and pulled a Thor and chuck my hammer to save Winter Sun.”

“Who’s Winter Sun?” Pinkie asked, cutting off Rarity’s same question.

“Youngest daughter of the family,” Light Patch replied, finally pulling himself off the ground to stand up.

“Sounds like a dramatic moment happened. That’ll disrupt our powers faster than you can believe,” Pinkie said, piecing things together as she tapped a hoof against her chin. “So... just teleporting then?”

“Oh. Uh, no. I also have access to hammer space too,” the stallion said, putting a hoof behind himself and drawing out the warhammer he had back in Roania.

“Cool. Is it only hammer space or do you think you can pull anything else out? Ooh, maybe medical stuff because of your skills! You should give it a try!” Pinkie said, bouncing around excitedly.

“I can try.” Light Patch bent his hoof back again and tried rooting around behind his back before he felt something in his hoof’s grasp. When he pulled it back, he pulled out the warhammer he had towards the end of their time in Roania. Scrunching up his brow in concentration again, he tried a third time only to draw out Just Duty’s warhammer. He started to reach back one more time, but Rarity’s hoof caught a hold of his.

“Light, I think you’ve supplied us with more than enough warhammers. Do you think we could go back to the bit about you sharing Pinkie’s abilities?”

“Oh, but he’s not sharing them, Rarity. Those are all his own. I’d know if someone was using my abilities without my permission,” Pinkie cut in. She turned to Light Patch. “Hey, show me some teleporting.”

With a shrug, Light Patch stood up and started to walk forward, trying to make himself teleport. By some happenstance, all three ponies blinked at the same time. Rarity and Light Patch’s eyes suddenly flew open when they both suddenly felt something touching the end of their muzzles. Opening their eyes, they stared in surprise at each other. Both of them jerked violently away while Pinkie broke out into giggle fits.

“What the?! How did- I wasn’t even walking this way!” Light Patch sputtered. Then his, now fixed, but still weak leg gave out on him and he collapsed to the ground.

“Perhaps you two should save the experimenting until after Light Patch has had a little more time to heal up,” Rarity sniffed, walking over to sit beside Light Patch.

“We should probably rest up before trying to trek anywhere in the snow right now,” Pinkie agreed, suddenly on the other side of Light Patch and watching the house again. “Since we have a little time...” Pinkie dug through her hair and pulled out three cupcakes.

“I can already guess the answer, but what are those for, Pinkie?” Light Patch asked.

“For your congrats on getting to Equestria and finally getting a cutie mark!” She cheered, passing one cupcake to Rarity and then holding the other out to Light Patch.

Blinking in surprise, the grey pegasus stood up and turned to look at his flank. There, on both sides of him, was a pair of folded sheets of paper made to look like one sheet of paper. A nagging feeling that he should recognize that mark tugged at his mind but was being beaten by both tiredness and the headache still plaguing him.

“Well, I guess I’ll have plenty of time to figure out what it is and what it’s supposed to mean while we wait,” he grumped, sitting back down and pushing the cupcake back towards Pinkie who happily ate it as well as hers.

The fire was nearing the end of it’s time consuming the house, starting to throw less heat around. It had also grown significantly more quiet, which easily let the three sets of ears pick out the sounds of a group approaching them. They turned to see several ponies in snow gear and armor approaching along with a group of airborne pegasus pulling a sleigh that landed nearby.

“You three okay?” the lead pony called out. “We were out on patrol when we saw the smoke. We ran into some farmers who said some mercs had a fight over their place and a pony stayed behind to hold them off. That one of you?” the pony continued as he approached.

“That would be me. I stayed behind. Luckily I got a little healing magic,” Light Patch said, standing up.

“Huh... Well... looks like the fire is mostly out at this point. Almost feels like we oughta just let it finish on it’s own,” the pony said. And yet, he motioned for the pegasi to use the clouds to dump a little more snow on it.

Rarity eyed the stallion’s uniform closely, noting the robust design of the coats and the careful placing of the armor plates. “Those are nice snow uniforms you have there. And you mentioned you were on patrol. Are you by any chance guards from one of the local cities?”

“We might be,” a small smile on his lips. “We’re from Longest Day, the largest town north of the Crystal Empire.”

“Sounds like a perfect place for an all day party record,” Pinkie said eagerly.

“Hah! We’ve held that record for near... forty years now,” the guard confirmed proudly. “I don’t suppose you’d like to join us as we head back?” His question prompted eager nodding from all three of them.

“I’m barely able to walk as it is. A lift sounds really nice.” Light Patch said. He stood and limped forward a couple steps.

“Sounds good. And, I can even get you a drink as you fill me in on what all happened here,” the guard said, his tone friendly. His next words were said with a serious undertone. “And, you can share why two of the Elements of Harmony are this far north.” With a simple nod from Light Patch, the guard led the trio to the sleigh and the pegasus that were hooking themselves back up to.

* * *

The curious stares of passing ponies and deer alike weren’t enough to keep Wits from sneaking through the streets of Midton. A flash of purple appeared in the corner of his vision, and he leapt through a nearby food stall to hide amongst the apple barrels. The shopkeeper glanced back at him.

“I’m over there,” Wits said, pointing one forehoof across the street. A mote of white magic entered the stallion’s forehead, and he looked away immediately. The mint-colored unicorn scanned the crowd for any sign of Twilight and her guards—anything purple or alicorn-esque—and eventually found…

...A purple piece of cloth, hanging from a stall and waving in the breeze. Wits sighed, taking one last look around before relaxing. That was close, he thought. I’ve gotta react faster. If that had really been Twilight, she would’ve seen me before I was hidden.

You realize how silly that sounds, right? another thought process cut in. You’re hiding from theoretical dangers that you’ve built around one of your only friends in this world. You should be looking for her, not hiding from her.

Wits paused. “You make a good point, me,” he muttered, starting to stand.

Are you insane? the first train of thought interrupted. If Twilight really is after you, you’ll be making yourself a sitting duck! Get back down there! Wits sank back into the protective cover of the barrels.

This is ridiculous. The more logical thoughts seemed to sigh and shake their metaphorical head. Look, Twilight’s right over there. Go talk to her and you’ll see that-

“What?” Wits realized that the Princess of Friendship in question was right in the middle of his sightline, still searching for him but not finding him. She had her wings fully extended in an attempt to look extra princessy. “Oh yeah, that’s her alright.”

Panic! the frantic thoughts screamed. Eject! Get out of there before she sees you!

Or what? the logical thoughts replied. Try looking with your eyes, moron. The only creatures with her are Fluttershy and Spike.

It was true. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Spike were asking the ponies and deer something, although he was too far away to hear what. There didn’t seem to be any heavily armored ponies with magical lazguns or oversized swords that were more like large hunks of iron. Just two ponies and a miniature dragon. “I guess I could ask if they’re maniacal tyrants to their faces,” Wits mused.

The frantic thoughts tossed their hypothetical forehooves up. I give up. Call me when she’s got you strapped to an operating table and is reenacting Cupcakes with your pancreas. I’m out!

The logical thoughts seemed to shrug. Sounds like you’ve got the gist of this, so I’ll head out too. ...Honestly, stormtroopers? Was that the best he could come up with?

Wits blinked. “That was weird, right?” he asked the shopkeeper. “Like, that kind of thing is totally weird, right?”

“I thought you were over there,” the shopkeeper replied without looking.

“Thanks, buddy.” Wits stood, stretching his back after having been crouched down, and began walking towards the two girls and dragon. Once he was directly behind them, he cleared his throat.

Fluttershy was the first one to turn around. Her face lit up with relief. “Wits!”

“Wits?” Twilight turned, a similar smile quickly forming on her face. “Wits!”

Wits began to smile, but it quickly turned into consternation. “Aw man. I had a reference all ready, but now I’d just feel bad for ruining the mood.”

“I think that ruined it already,” Spike said. “Wanna try that reference anyway?”

“Nah, the moment’s pa- GWAHK.” Wits was cut off as Fluttershy threw her forelegs around him, half-strangling him in a sudden hug.

“What are you doing here?” Twilight asked.

“I just walked in,” Wits wheezed, one hoof hovering over Fluttershy’s back in a halfway attempt to pat her.

“You just walked in?”

“Is there an echo in here? Fluttershy, I’m dying.” Wits gasped as the pegasus released him. “I wasn’t complaining. That would have been a good way to die.”

“We were so worried about you!” Fluttershy cried, grabbing the unicorn for another, less lethal, hug. “Twilight came back from the human world and said you three were gone, and all we could think of was that none of us got to say goodbye!” The rest of her words devolved into blubbering as her emotions overflowed.

Spike looked between the incomprehensible Fluttershy and the stunned Wits End. “I think she missed him,” he said to Twilight.

“I think so,” she replied.

“Do you wanna do that too?”

Twilight hesitated for a moment. “I saw them at Equestria High. I think I’m good.”

“Yeah, but this means that all of your work wasn’t for nothing.” Spike thought for a moment. “And if one of them is here, the other two are probably safe too. Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah.” Twilight’s face was hidden by one of her wings. “Just… something in my eye.”

“Really? What is it?”

“I don’t know! Probably tears!”

“Hang on,” Wits said. “Did you say ‘the other two’? So Purple and Patchy are here too?”

Twilight sniffed, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. Sunset, Starlight, and I cast a spell to summon you three from wherever you went after fighting that Hydra.”

“Starlight? The equality pony? Is she good now?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I’ve missed a lot, I guess.” Wits looked down as Fluttershy pulled herself off of him. “So, when do we go after them?”

“We?”

“Well, I assume the other mares are looking for them, but more eyes are better, right? Besides,” he looked back at the marking on his flank, “maybe this thing is good for tracking or something.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you have a Cutie Mark? I thought you three were supposed to be blank flanks. Man, the CMC are gonna be disappointed.”

“Who makes hoofwarmers with extra bits like that?” Fluttershy asked.

“Ahhhhh… Alright, look,” Wits said. White wisps flowed from his horn into Twilight. “If my friends are out there, I wanna help find them.”

Twilight hesitated, then sighed. “I was hoping to run some tests to make sure you were okay first, but… Alright. We’ve gotta teleport back to my castle first to find out where they are, then we can join the rest of the girls in searching.”

Wits grinned. “Awesome. Beam us up, Scotty!” Twilight rolled her eyes as her magic charged. “Hey, have you guys ever heard of the teletransport para-”

The three ponies, and Spike, appeared in the Crystal Castle’s map room in a flash of light. “Alright,” Twilight said as she moved to the map. “Let’s see where everypony is. It looks like-”

“One sec.” Wits grabbed a wastebasket, turned away from the girls and Spike, and unceremoniously vomited.

“Uh… Is he alright?” Spike asked.

“Some ponies get teleportation sickness,” Twilight explained. “Unicorns usually don’t because uncontrolled magic will tend to cause spontaneous teleportation, but I guess if you’ve never done it before…” She winced as Wits made another attempt to empty his stomach into the basket. “Ew.”

Fluttershy gingerly patted his back. “Can I get you something?”

“Hang on.” Wits shuddered, and spat into the container. “Eugh. When’d I last have curry?” He shook his head, a mote of magic flying off his horn. “Water’d be nice. And, uh… probably cleaning that up.”

The mote melted into Spike’s head. “I got it!” He called, holding the wastebasket at arm’s length as he left.

Wits took a deep breath, steadying himself against the map as he did so. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Dunno what happened there.” He blinked; each eye slightly out of sync. “Why’d you build this room in a merry-go-round?”

“It’s fine,” Twilight said. “Now, about your friends-”

“Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy interrupted. “Maybe Wits should take it easy for a bit? It seems like teleporting took a lot out of him.”

Twilight stared at her. “Huh? But what about finding the others?”

“Well, um, I thought you said you wanted to make sure Wits was alright first…”

“I did, but…” Twilight frowned, her eyebrows knitting together. “I mean, we could bring a bucket with us. Or I could use some sort of anti-nausea spell…”

“Twilight, why is this suddenly so important to you?” Fluttershy’s question was innocent, but her concern was obvious.

Twilight’s frown deepened. “I… don’t know. It just…” She fell silent. “Hang on. Wits, can you use magic here?”

“Huh?” Wits shook his head. “No. I mean, I haven’t really tried to yet. I just-” His face grew pale. “Uh oh.”

“Are you going to throw up again?” Fluttershy asked.

“No. Well, I might, but that’s not the big concern right now. “ Wits turned to Twilight. “Twi,” he said, his horn glowing white again, “you should dispel any magic spells on you and Fluttershy right now.”

“There’s no magic on-” Twilight blinked as the wisp of light reached her. “I mean, I guess it wouldn’t hurt.” Her own horn glowed as she cast the spell, causing white motes of energy to shed from her like water. She shuddered. “Woah. What was that?”

Wits drew in a breath through his teeth. “Not good is what that is.”

“It looked like you were using magic on her,” Fluttershy said. Nothing seemed to come off of her.

“Yeah, that’s the ‘not good’ part. I wasn’t. I mean, I wasn’t trying to.” Wits was focusing on looking straight at the floor. “I think that whatever happened after the Hydra messed up my brain. Or horn. Or… brain horn. I’m not trying to use Guiding Sunlight, but I think I’ve been using it ever since I landed.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “The mind control spell? The one you got from Sol Eater?”

“It’s something like mind control, I guess.” Wits tisked. “I must’ve used it on that deer guard too. Why couldn’t I be cursed with suck by something like One for All?” He glanced up at the mares, then quickly back down to the ground. “It’s… probably safer if I stay here or something. Wouldn’t want to accidentally brainwash anypony.”

Twilight and Fluttershy watched the colt closely. No magic seemed to be coming off of him. “Well,” Twilight started, “there’s some spells for unicorn foals I can use to keep magic from leaking out of you. I’ll want to run some tests first, and try to figure out what triggers it.” She sighed, looking back at the map for a moment. “Let’s start by putting you in one of the guest rooms.”

“Great,” Wits said with a half-hearted smirk, following behind Twilight. “First day in Equestria, and I’m being locked up by the SCPony Foundation.”

* * *

“I swear,” Rainbow Dash growled as she and Applejack entered the village of Anchorhoof, “if Purple Heart isn’t here, I’m going to punch him.”

“I wouldn’t punch him too hard,” Applejack warned. “I don’t think the two of us can carry him if you knock him out.”

“He’s a big colt,” Rainbow said. “He’ll be fine.” For most of the morning, the two mares had been stopping by settlement after settlement, inquiring at each landstead if they’d seen a large purple earth pony going by or stopping by to visit. All of the landowners had responded in the negative and warned the pair to watch out for the Tusken Raiders, never explaining to Applejack and Rainbow the reason for their warning. It was at the landstead they found prior to coming to Anchorhoof that the old couple there actually told them what the Tusken Raiders were and begged the two mares to look for their nephew, a pegasus named Buck Skykicker.

“Have you ever heard of elephants that raided while you visited relatives?” Rainbow asked. The pair were walking down the main road, casting cursory looks over the vendors and stalls bracketing the street in search of their primary quarry.

“Nope,” Applejack replied. “My relatives live pretty close to Appleloosa and there are only a few outliers that live just inside the borders of the Badlands. Ah’ve never heard anything about elephants raiding fer food during any of our reunions.”

“They must only operate in the southern parts of the Badlands,” Rainbow Dash mused. “It's pretty far away from any influence the Princesses have.”

The orange mare arched any eyebrow at her friend as they paused for a card to pass by. “That… actually makes some sense,” she commented.

“Hey, I may not be the best at geo-political mapping, but I’m friends with Twilight,” the blue pegasus sniffed. “Hang around her long enough and I’m sure anypony will learn at least one fact about something or other.”

“Touche,” Applejack remarked. “Now, who d’you think would be the best pony to ask about newcomers?”

“Uhhh...” Rainbow’s eyes crossed. “I unno...”

“Well I do.” The orange mare raised a hoof and pointed down the street. Rainbow Dash’s eyes followed the foreleg and alighted on a low roofed building an intersection away. On the overhang above the entrance sat wooden planks that spelled out the word ‘Cantina’. The blue pegasus’ brow furrowed as she subconsciously followed Applejack down the street towards their new destination.

“A bar?” Rainbow asked.

“A bar,” Applejack confirmed. “Ya can always rely on a pony to get a drink after a long tromp through the desert.”

Rainbow arched an eyebrow at the orange mare. The two stopped at the double doors to the cantina.

“Personal experience?” Rainbow asked.

Applejack nodded. “And some familial opinion,” she added. “Hopefully, somepony’ll be able to help us here.” With that, she pushed open the doors and strode into the establishment.

The two mares squinted once they stood inside. The harsh difference in light was disorienting. The cantina was dimly lit with only a few lanterns anchored to the walls and behind the bar. It was early afternoon. Several patrons sat at the tables scattered about, but the room was hardly full. Those present were there for conversation and a friendly drink. Once their eyes adjusted, Applejack and Rainbow made their way to the bar. An old-looking female earth pony looked up from her wiping of the counter and arched an eyebrow at the pair.

“What can I get you fillies?” she inquired, her voice gravely and rough.

“Two ciders,” Applejack replied. “And ah was hopin’ you’d be able to help us.”

The mare scowled as she flipped her cloth across a shoulder and grabbed two glasses.

“What kind of help?” she asked, beady black eyes scrutinizing the two of them as she blindly free-poured cider into both glasses.

“We’re looking for a pony,” Rainbow said.

The bartender hummed and placed a pair of sliders on the counter followed by the glasses of cider. “Best get yourselves over to the bounty office,” she suggested. “Somepony mayhaps have already got your pony.”

Applejack recoiled in shock and disgust while Rainbow’s jaw dropped.

“What do you mean?” Rainbow asked. The bartender shrugged, walking away to grab a bottle from the shelf behind her.

“This here is the Badlands, dearie,” she explained. “Ain’t many places you go to find ponies other than the bounty office. Or the jail for that matter.”

Applejack shook her head vigorously. “The pony we’re lookin’ for ain’t being hunted. Or in jail.” She balked. “I think.”

“He’s a big earth pony,” Rainbow piped up.

“You’ve described a fifth of this town’s population alone,” the barkeep deadpanned. “A little more?”

“He’s purple? With blue tattoos?” Rainbow added.

The old mare frowned. “I dunno about blue tattoos, but there’s a purple earth pony playing cards with some other fellas.” She nodded to a corner of the cantina at a table under a lamp. Five ponies sat there. Three wore massive hats reminiscent of Applejack’s, the fourth wore a bowler hat, and the fifth was the large purple earth pony they were looking for.

Applejack placed some bits on the counter. “Thank you,” she said to the bartender and turned, pulling Rainbow Dash with her towards the table. As they drew closer, they could hear the conversation between the ponies.

“Yer tellin’ me that you got old Hathi to stand down?” one of the big hat ponies asked. “Ah’m impressed. Ain’t a stallion in Anchorhoof could stand against Hathi’s crew afore you set ‘im straight.”

The purple earth pony shrugged. “All I did was appeal to his better nature,” he said, sipping at his tumbler of amber liquid. “And pulled rank on him.”

“You aren’t really a part of the Princess’ military, are you?” another of the big hat ponies inquired shrewdly.

“Nope. But what Hathi doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“I’ll drink to that,” said big hat pony three, saluting with his own glass. The rest of the table raised their glasses and drank. Bowler Hat blinked over the hatless colt’s shoulder and smiled.

“Something we can help you with, ladies?” he asked cheerfully. The other four ponies turned to look at Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Of the five, they only recognized one.

Applejack stepped forward slowly. “Purple Heart? Is that you?” Purple Heart blinked at the orange mare and arched an eyebrow. He looked down at himself.

“I should be,” he replied. “Nopony else like me.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Except for this little birthmark.” He shifted his haunches for the mares to see. A tree with a pair of masks hanging from its branches was stamped on his rump.

“You got a cutie mark!” Rainbow cried, zipping over to stare at the purple earth pony’s hind-end.

Purple Heart wrinkled his nose at the scrutiny and gently pushed the sprightly pegasus’ face away from his rear. “Indeed,” he drawled. “I don’t know how or why I have one, but I do now.” He looked back to Applejack and his table companions, all of whom were wearing the same stunned expression.

“What?” he asked.

“You know them?” one of the big hat ponies asked, gesturing to Applejack with a hoof.

“Yeeeeeess?”

“Ye don’t sound so certain.”

“Listen. I’ve had a rough day. I crash landed in a forest in the middle of nowhere, I stopped some elephants from raiding the place, I have a reeeeally bad headache, and to top it all off, I now have a cutie mark.”

“I don’t think having a cutie mark is a bad thing,” Bowler Hat said.

“I haven’t had a cutie mark for over two decades,” Purple Heart retorted. “I got along fine without one.”

“What’s the last thing you remember before waking up in that crater?” Rainbow Dash asked.

One of Purple Heart’s eyes twitched. “How’d you know I landed in a crater?” he asked in return.

The blue mare snorted. “C’mon. You crash landed. Who's to say that crater was there before you landed?”

“Fair point. My question remains unanswered.”

“So does mine,” Applejack returned. “Well?”

The purple earth pony sighed and sat on his haunches. “Last thing I remember before waking up was trying not to get sucked into a portal. Happy?”

“Ecstatic.”

“Wonderful. Now, how’d you find me?”

“Twilight’s Friendship Map told us,” Rainbow answered. “She tried to summon the three of you from wherever the hay you’d gone after going through the portal. The spell worked, but it scattered you three across Equestria. We’re here to bring you back to Ponyville.”

“What do you need him in Ponyville for?” asked one of the big hat ponies. Purple Heart blinked, remembering there were others listening.

“Oh, my apologies,” he said, ignoring the question. “These are some of the town’s council members.” He gestured at each pony in turn as he introduced them.

“That’s the sheriff, Colt Thornton.” Big Hat Pony One tipped his hat.

“Mayor Jaunt Ford.” Big Hat Pony Two raised a glass.

“Big Hat Logan, the local magic pony,” Big Hat Three nodded under his huge hat.

“And Doc Boone.” Bowler Hat raised his glass and smiled widely at the two mares.

“What do you need him in Ponyville for?” Logan asked again.

Rainbow and Applejack shared a look. “Princess of Friendship business,” Applejack said finally.

The four stallions blinked once.

“There’s a princess of friendship?” Logan asked, his tone one of puzzlement. “Last I heard, there was only Princess Celestia and Luna.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense...” Rainbow frowned. “What about Princess Cadence?”

“Who?” the four stallions chorused.

“Uhhhh, Purple Heart? Time to go,” Applejack prompted.

The purple earth pony arched an eyebrow at the mare. “Go where? Ponyville? So that Twilight can cast a spell that goes wrong and sends me to Tartarus? No thanks.” He stood. “Any of you gents need a refill?” Boone and Thornton voiced yes and Purple Heart took their glasses to the bar, leaving Rainbow Dash and Applejack by the table in stunned silence.

“Ah’d forgotten how much of a pain in the rump he is,” Applejack growled as she stalked after him.

“It has been a while since we saw him,” Rainbow agreed, following close behind.

“Two more Old Fashioneds, Stella, and another Sounten for me, please,” Purple Heart was saying as the two mares reached the bar. The bartender, Stella, gave a craggly smile at the large earth pony and nodded. Purple Heart glanced at Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

“What part of ‘no thanks’ do you two not understand?” he sighed.

“The part where we were sent here because the Map told us to come,” Rainbow snipped. “Light Patch and Wits End are somewhere in Equestria now and we’re hoping that we can get you all back to where you belong without too much trouble.”

“Hmm,” Purple Heart huffed. “Certainly sounds planlike. But is it possible? Does Twilight have any idea how to get us back to our home dimension?”

Rainbow Dash balked. “Uhh… no, but-”

“Then I’ll wait here if you don’t mind. You’ll know where to find me if she thinks of anything.”

“Why?! Why do you insist on staying here?!”

Purple Heart whirled around, eyes flashing green for the briefest of moments.

“Because if I don’t, who is going to keep the Tusken Raiders in line, hmm?” he demanded. “I’m sure the locals have at least clued you in on what happens around here. The Tusken Raiders go about challenging towns for food and supplies, but do you know why?”

Rainbow and Applejack shook their heads silently as the purple earth pony loomed over them.

“Because the Fifth Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army have been forgotten,” Purple Heart snarled. “They’ve been here, performing to the utmost of their ability to complete a mission that they cannot seem to complete! Do you know how long they’ve been at this?”

They shook their heads again.

“A hundred years,” he spat. “Quite frankly, I’m surprised the Elephants haven’t revolted. By all rights, they should have. It’s been long enough. They could sweep into Equestria proper with little warning or opposition. But they haven’t. Because they’re stubbornly loyal and they never forget. So forgive me if I’m not too confident in the abilities of the monarchy at the moment.”

The bar was silent as Stella and the other four ponies tried to ignore the confrontation happening before them.

“Did something happen to ya when you went into the portal?” Applejack asked, concern evident in her voice.

Purple Heart blinked once, then shrugged. “I unno,” he admitted. “One minute, I’m getting sucked into a portal with Bael, Light Patch, and Just Duty after watching Sunset fly away. The next, I’m waking up in a crater in the middle of nowhere wondering if I’m back in Discord’s game or in Equestria. Not sure if anything could have happened to me during the intervening time. It seemed immediate.”

“You’ve been gone for nearly a month,” Applejack said. “Twi, Sunset, and Starlight were researching some way to pull you three colts outta wherever the hay you went.”

Purple Heart blinked. “Oh.”

“‘Oh’ indeed,” Applejack echoed. She inhaled deeply then exhaled. “So, why don’t we all go back to Ponyville and you can tell Twilight about what’s happening down here?Ah’m sure we can get everything straightened out.”

Purple Heart stared silently at the two mares for a long while. Then, he let loose a sigh.

“I suppose,” he admitted. He pulled a number of bits from a pouch around his shoulders and placed them on the bar counter. “Let’s get moving. The sooner we get this over with, the happier I’ll be.”

He inclined his head to the table of colts. “Thank you for the drinks,” he said.

“Not at all!” Boone waved a hoof dismissively. “It is us who must thank you for negotiating with those elephants!” The colt raised his glass in salute and Purple Heart stifled a grimace as he walked out of the cantina.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack shared a look as they followed him. “We need to tell Twilight. Something’s off about him.”

“Agreed,” said Applejack.

Chapter 5: The Room Where it Happens

“Well,” Twilight said, joining the rest of the Elements of Harmony at the map table, “that’s everypony in their rooms."

“I don’t know what I expected,” Rainbow Dash said, “but this? This was not it.”

“Do we really need to have them locked up like this?” Rarity asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the reprieve, but it just seems… Well, undignified to have them caged like wild animals.”

“It’s just a precaution, Rarity,” Applejack added. “It ain’t like we’re banishin’ them to Tartarus or th’ Moon. We just gotta make sure they ain’t got interdimensional space rabies or somethin’.”

Rainbow Dash leaned sideways to Fluttershy. “Is that a thing?” she whispered.

“Um…” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “No?”

“Okay, cool.”

“Anyway!” Pinkie piped up. “That just means we gotta make sure they’re okay, right? And then we can figure out how to send them back to whatever two-legged world they came from! Just gotta make sure the ingredients are still good before we make them into a cake!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Are you gonna turn those boys into a cake?”

Pinkie blinked innocently. “Why would you think that?”

“If we can focus for a moment,” Twilight cut in, “I’d like to start off by comparing notes on the boys and the situations we found them in. Who wants to go first?”

Applejack raised a hoof. “This has been buggin’ me since we set out from where we found Purple Heart,” she said. “He-”

“Where’d you find him?” Twilight asked abruptly.

“Eh… We found him in a small town in the Badlands,” Applejack started, “but we found where he landed first. Seemed like he crashed in the northern part of th Forbidden Jungle an’ skipped along into the Badlands itself. Why?”

“Just wanted to triangulate coordinates in case I want to try the spell again.” Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. “Anyways, town in the Badlands, right?”

“Yeah… In the southern region of the Badlands, to be precise,” Applejack said. “Small town called Anchorhoof. We spent most of the morning walking from settlement to settlement, small farms that gathered what little liquid from the cacti and other hardy desert plants that they could. None of the occupants could help us find Purple Heart, but they did warn us about a group of bandits to look out for. Tusken Raiders they’re called.”

Twilight blinked. “Tusken Raiders?” she repeated. “That sounds familiar.”

“We’ll get to that,” Rainbow said. “We finally came to the town of Anchorhoof and made our way to the cantina-”

“Why the cantina?” Rarity asked.

“What’s a cantina?” Fluttershy piped up.

“I’ll do you one better: who’s a cantina?” demanded Pinkie Pie, slamming her hooves on the table.

“First off, ‘Ya can always rely on a pony to get a drink after a long tromp through the desert’,” Rainbow Dash quoted. “Secondly, a cantina is a bar. Or a tavern really. Thirdly, what?”

Pinkie blinked once, then shrugged. “I haven’t made that joke before. I saw an opportunity and I seized it.”

Applejack shook her head and rapped on the table for attention. “Anywho, we found Purple Heart in the cantina drinking with some of the town officials; the mayor, the sheriff, the local magic pony, and the doctor. Purple Heart was telling them about how he dealt with a detachment of the Tusken Raiders.”

“You mentioned them before,” Twilight said, her quill pausing at her question. Applejack waved a hoof.

“According to the ponies we ran into along the way, a group of elephants that regularly raid the southern holdings of the Badlands,” the orange mare explained. “Purple Heart on the other hoof said they were… what did he say again?” She turned, looking questioningly at Rainbow Dash.

“‘The Fifth Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army’,” the blue pegasus recited. “Sounds like a bunch of hay-feathers if you ask me.”

“He sounded really upset about them though,” Applejack added. “Said they’d been forgotten for a hundred years or something like that.” She winced and looked at Twilight specifically. “He also wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of coming back to Ponyville. Or the idea of you helping.”

“So Purple Heart being Purple Heart,” Twilight noted. “No real surprise there.”

“I wouldn’t be too certain,” Rainbow warned. “He sounded pretty definitive in his dislike for the princess’ in general. That’s new.”

“So anarchy. Lovely. Anything else?”

“He was very vehement about not leaving the Badlands to fend for themselves against the Tusken Raiders,” Applejack said. “I suggested he talk to you about them.”

“Right. I’m sure I’ll be able to set aside time to talk to him about more philosophical jargon,” Twilight snorted.

Applejack blinked, then turned to Twilight. “In any case, Twi, what about Wits? Ya’ll were here when we got back. Did you learn anything from him?”

Twilight shook her head. “Nothing much. He ended up in the Undiscovered West in a river somehow. From there, he apparently made his way to the border with the Deer Kingdoms.”

“The Deer Kingdoms?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t they tightening their security at the border?”

“That’s the thing,” Twilight continued. “Wits managed to talk a guard into letting a couple of ponies in, including himself. From everything I’ve read, no-pony has ever talked a deer into doing something they didn’t want to.”

With a groan, Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “What, did he try to seduce the guard?”

“No. ...Well, maybe. It happened before we got there.” Twilight thought for a moment, then made a note on a pad of paper for later. “It seems like Wits still has some of his magic from Discord’s game world. In particular, the spell he got from Princess Celestia’s counterpart; Guiding Sunlight.”

“I thought her name was Sol Eater?” Pinkie asked.

“No, the spell’s name is Guiding Sunlight. As far as I can tell, it puts a thought or a command into a pony’s mind that they have to follow. I guess it works on deer too.”

“But he’s not using it on purpose,” Fluttershy said quickly. “At least, it doesn’t seem that way. It, um, seems like he couldn’t control it. It was his idea to have you dispel it on yourself, Twilight.”

Twilight nodded. “And to isolate himself. That’s part of why the other two colts are in isolation as well. Although…” She turned to Rarity and Pinkie. “What in Equestria happened to Light Patch? It looked like he was in pretty bad shape.”

“That's because he was beaten to within an inch of his life,” Rarity said. Fluttershy gasped while the other mares gaped.

“He was dropped in the Frozen North beyond even the Crystal Empire. He says it was night when he woke up and headed towards the brightest set of lights he could see. Or light pollution, anyway.”

“Wait, light can pollute?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s very rare in smaller cities, but in Manehattan it’s said the lights from the city can just about light up the nearest towns,” Rarity explained. “At least that’s the joke, but really, Rainbow, focus please.”

“At some point he stole my shtick and popped into the middle of a confrontation between two kinda bandit groups who were about to fight and wreck the fields of a small farm family up there,” Pinkie continued.

“From there, he tried to help the farmers save their land, but the bandits found out and united against him and the farmers. He held the bandits off for the family to escape. Apparently, like Pinkie said, he does have some abilities similar to her, but they failed at a critical point in the fight.”

“It stopped being funny,” Pinkie responded with a shrug.

“In anycase,” Rarity said, not wanting to try and parse what Pinkie had just said, “the battle turned against him and he was swiftly beaten then forced to watch as the farm burned and was left behind.”

“Oh no,” Fluttershy whispered, her fore hooves held to her face. The others’ faces matched her thoughts.

“Wow,” Twilight said, her quill hovering unmoved above the parchment for her notes. “That certainly explains the shape he was in.”

“Yes. Though, he actually looks better now than when we first found him,” Rarity chimed in. “It seems he still possesses a fraction of his healing powers from Discord’s little… game.” The distaste was evident in her voice.

“I… Uh, didn’t wanna bring it up there, but, Rarity? Did his coat strike you as a shade or two paler than it used to be?” Pinkie asked at that point.

“I can’t say it wasn’t just the various lights, but that thought had struck me too.” Rarity nodded.

“Now that you mentioned it, I thought his coat’s color looked off,” Twilight mused, looking through some notes. “Oh, did he have any idea what his cutie mark was supposed to be?”

“I’m afraid not, dear. He said it did look familiar, but he couldn’t place it,” Rarity replied.

“Alright,” Applejack said. “Now we know what those boys were doin’. And we know Twi, Sunset, and Starlight’s spell is what brought them here. Ah’ve got two questions.”

“Is one of them ‘how are they’?” Pinkie asked.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Pretty sure the answer to that is ‘not great’, Pinkie.”

“My first question is this,” Applejack continued, talking over the side-conversation. “What in tarnation is going on with those boys? And two, how do we send them back to their world?”

“What, don’t you want them to hang out here?” Rainbow asked.

“Oh, Ah’d be thrilled to have them here,” Applejack deadpanned, “if ah didn’t think those three would attract trouble like a pot of honey attracts flies and bears. The sooner we know how to send them back home, the less chance they have to make some villain crawl out of th’ woodwork.”

“Wait,” Twilight looked up from her notes. “What did you mean by ‘what’s going on with them’?”

Applejack looked around at the other mares. “What? Ah ain’t the only one seein’ it, am ah? Something’s weird about them. Purple Heart’s got some anarchist ideals and behaviour now, Light Patch suddenly has some of Pinkie’s powers an’ lost a fight because it wasn’t funny, and Wits can’t control what comes out of his horn.” She pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash, who had snorted loudly. “Ah know what ah said, so shut up!”

“Well, when you put it that way…” Twilight mused. “I guess there is one way to test that.”

“Please tell me it’s not friendship lessons,” Rainbow groaned, having finally recovering from her giggle-fit.

“I wasn’t going to call them friendship lessons, but effectively, yes. Once we’ve cleared them of any sort of… interdimensional space rabies, we’ll take them to help the rest of Ponyville. If they’re the same colts we know, they’ll probably complain a lot, but do it anyway.”

“And if they’re not?” Fluttershy whimpered.

“Orbital Friendship Cannon?” Pinkie proposed.

Twilight held up a forehoof. “We’ll deal with that if we get there. For now, it’s been a long day. Let’s get some sleep and come at this in the morning. Spike? Can you let Starlight know-” She looked around. “Where’s Starlight Shimmer?”

“She left before you guys got back,” Spike answered. “You didn’t notice?”

“...Obviously not. Send her a letter and let her know I’ll need her help for some tests in the morning.”

“You got it!”

Twilight turned back to the rest of the mares. “That’ll do it. Have a good night, girls.”

* * *

“Are you sure it’s safe for us to talk?” Wits asked, pawing at the simple metal band strapped around his horn. “I mean, not that I don’t appreciate the new headgear, but I’ve still got that uncontrollable mind control thing going on.”

“We’re fine, Wits,” Twilight said. “That band is enchanted to keep magic from leaking out unless you focus on it. It’s the same thing parents use for unicorn foals.”

“Did you use one of these?”

“For a time.”

Wits pawed at the band again. “Is it supposed to itch so much?”

Twilight frowned. “Unfortunately, yes. It’s supposed to incentivize foals to learn how to control their magic so they can stop wearing it.”

“Thanks, I hate it.” Wits sighed, forcing his hooves back onto the floor of his room in Twilight’s castle. “So, what’s been happening? I thought I felt Purple Heart walk by the door a while back.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Like a psychic connection?”

“More like the floor vibrating when he stomped past. Does that mean you found them?” Twilight nodded, and Wits sighed as his shoulders relaxed. “That’s a relief. Are they dealing with the same…” He made a vague motion towards his horn.

“Not exactly. I want to run a couple of tests on each of you to make sure there’s no residual effects of wherever you three went to.”

“Great.” Wits groaned. “Keep an eye out for common side effects, such as fever, the common cold, sore throat, stuffy head, the condition known as ‘hot dog hooves’...”

Twilight cut through Wits’ list. “It’s just to make sure you three won’t collapse the moment I take my eyes off you. Once that’s done, you’ll be free to go.”

* * *

“...Soon as Redheart let’s me,” Light Patch said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, you sound like you got something else on your mind.” Light Patch replied to Twilight’s question.

“Yeah, I do, actually. You’ll be happy to know that I am working on getting you three home,” Twilight said.

“Coo,” Light Patch hummed.

“It might take awhile. Discord is… somewhere not here and honestly, I think he’s avoiding me and or you three.” Twilight sighed heavily, her ears drawing backwards. “So, it looks like it’s mostly gonna be up to Sunset, Starlight and I to provide what help we can. Luckily, the other princesses have also volunteered.”

Her ears perked up again and a small hopeful smile crossed her face. “And I’ve got a couple of promising ideas involving the same kind of magic used to make the mirror…” She trailed off again, her smile drooping slightly. “But, it’s gonna take a while unless Discord decides to help.”

Light nodded sadly. “Bah, you’re just sad you won’t be able to foist Wits and Purps onto somepony else.” This prompted an indignant look from Twilight. Light coughed loudly. “So, how long are you thinking it’ll be?”

“Without Discord’s help, it might take up to a year or so,” Twilight answered with a shrug. “But, I figure Discord will pitch in before that. Maybe a month or so and then we can get you home and outta all our manes.” Twilight smiled. “Maybe.”

* * *

“Against my better judgement,” Twilight exhaled, eyeing Purple Heart irritably, “I find myself asking that you take on some of the day-to-day tasks of helping ponies around Ponyville while I figure out how to get you three back home.”

“...You still don’t agree with my perspective on things, do you?”

One of Twilight’s eyes twitched and she wrinkled her nose in distaste. “If you’d stop referencing that… altercation, I’d be more willing to listen to your insight.”

“Then what’s keeping you from just locking myself and my friends in your sparkly abode?” the purple earth pony asked glibly.

Mouth twisting into a grimace, Twilight forced herself to remain seated. “Two reasons,” she stated stiffly. “One: There’s a lot of requests for Friendship Counseling. Two: if I keep you three in here any longer, the castle will explode.”

Purple Heart blinked once in confusion. “We’ve only been here for a few hours.”

“I didn’t say you three would make the castle explode,” the princess snapped.

“Aah. Point. Can the three of us work together?”

“No!” Twilight denied immediately.

Another blink. “Why not?”

“I need to observe all three of you while you’re solving problems on your own. I already have plenty of data on your compounded solving skills. Besides, Light Patch is injured and needs as little aggravation as possible. Wits, on the other hoof, is dangerous to talk to. His magic is a little rampant right now.”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the Princess of Friendship. “I’ve injured Light before and Wits is always dangerous to talk to. Since when has this dynamic changed?”

Twilight lifted a hoof and opened her mouth to retort. She paused. Her mouth closed and her hoof dropped to the table. “Because I said so?” she tried.

The two of them stared at each other for several seconds trying to bait the other into breaking. Purple Heart ended it by sighing.

“Fine. I’ll humor you. However.” His eyes narrowed as he glared at Twilight. “I need you to do something for me.”

Twilight pursed her lips and looked back at her clipboard. “You’re not in any place to make demands right now, mister.”

“And I’m only doing this in the hopes that you’ll be able to send us home before long,” Purple Heart retorted, “but, we don’t always get what we want, so why don’t you humor me? Besides, it's research. What can be so bad about that?”

Twilight sighed, flipping to a fresh page on her clipboard. “Fine. What is it?”

“Find out about the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army and get them some supplies before bringing them home or retasking them”

“Fine. Now, you’re free to go. Spike will give you your task list in the foyer.”

Purple Heart sighed and stood to walk around the table. “I’ll resist the urge to make ponies question their world views,” he said over his shoulder. He flinched when he heard Twilight grinding her teeth behind him. “Kidding!” He opened the door and walked out. Twilight sagged in her chair.

“He’s gone. Finally.”

“Just want to point out,” Purple Heart said, peaking back into the room, “that I will reply to requests for perspective solicitation-”

He ducked the notepad flung at his head and bolted. “Nevermind!”

Chapter 7: Brought Down to Normal

Wits stared at the object on the table in front of him. “No way,” he said flatly. “Not wearing that.”

Twilight glared at the unicorn stallion. “After you blew up the last magic inhibitor, you don’t get a say in whether you wear it or not.”

“It’s a tiara!”

“It’s a circlet,” Twilight corrected. “And I made sure it matches your tastes in fashion.”

“You know what matches my tastes in fashion? Not a tiara.”

“Wits?”

“Maybe a fez. Or a good fedora.”

“Wits…”

“Not a trilby, though. You have no idea how much grief I got when the whole ‘m’lady’ meme got going while I was wearing proper fedoras regularly. See, the difference is-”

“Wits!”

“What?”

Twilight’s glare intensified. “You’re wearing the tiara.”

After a few seconds, Wits grabbed the headpiece off the table and set it on his head. “Just in case I’m not enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara.”

“You’re not a freak, Wits.”

“No? Then why am I wearing a magic tiara that keeps me from using any magic whatsoever?” Wits tapped the enchanted band around his head. “Is this thing on?”

Twilight shifted the band so that it rested directly against his horn, causing it to glow faintly with her own magic. “Now it is. Try using your magic now.”

Wits focused on moving a nearby book. A few weak sparks gathered around his horn, but nothing more. “Nope, no go-juice.”

“Good. Look, this is just a temporary measure while we figure out how to help you control your magic. Until then, this is to keep you safe.”

“To keep other ponies safe from me, you mean,” Wits said sardonically. “Or did you forget that we were writers back in our world? I can recognize a ‘for your own good’ speech when I hear one.”

Twilight sighed. “Then in your expert opinion, do you think this is the wrong choice?”

“Logically? No, this was the right move. But it would’ve been nice to be brought in on the conversation instead of being treated like-”

After waiting for him to continue, Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Like what?”

Wits sighed and rolled his eyes. “Like a villain. I feel like this is the kind of thing you’d put on Discord or King Sombra if they were pretending to be reformed.”

“If you were like Discord or Sombra,” Twilight said, “you would’ve been banished to the moon the moment we found you.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence…”

“It is a vote of confidence.” Twilight placed a forehoof on Wits’ shoulder. “I travelled with you a lot during Discord’s game, Wits. You might be a little misguided sometimes, but nine times out of ten your goal is to do the right thing. Right now, we just want to avoid a Road’s Crossed situation. Alright?”

“You do remember that was also your fault, right?”

“There were extenuating circumstances,” Twilight deadpanned. “I just had to listen to one of them complain about a tiara for ten minutes.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” Wits snarked back. He paused. “Wait, that would mean I’m just your problem. I’m pretty sure there’s a song about that…”

Twilight shoved Wits towards the door, hoping that would cover for the look of irritation that had settled on her face. “Just explore the town and try to relax, dummy. Use the bits I gave you if you want. No hero stuff, no saving the world. Just enjoy yourself for a bit.”

“Alright, alright!” Wits chuckled. He stared at the door for a moment. “Right, no magic.” He reached out with a forehoof and pulled the door open. “Hey, what happens if there’s some hero stuff that needs doing?”

“Then you let one of us know.”

“Yeah, but what if it’s hero stuff that I can do?”

Twilight narrowed her gaze. “Then you let one of us know. This is a ‘relax or else’ situation, Wits.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll be back when I’m thoroughly relaxed then.” Wits trotted through the doorway. A few seconds later, he poked his head back through. “What if it’s hero stuff I can do without using magic?”

“GO.”

Wits pulled his head back, narrowly avoiding the flying book as it sailed by. “I think that was a no,” he muttered. “Alright, I guess this is a self-care day. I can do this.”

* * *

“I can’t do this.” Wits was laying on his back on a bench, staring at the irritatingly perfect blue sky overhead. It had been two hours and thirty-one minutes since he’d left Twilight’s castle—he’d counted. Most of that time had been spent exploring Ponyville and building a mental map of the major landmarks. There had been a one hour detour when he had spent some bits on a treatment at the Ponyville Day Spa; something that he never would have done in his own world, but it felt like the natural choice for relaxing.

Instead, Wits discovered that he was not a fan of mud baths, cucumber wraps, or shiatsu massage avec hooves. While his pores may have been opened and his chakras aligned, he felt no more relaxed than he had been when he entered the spa.

“What in the world are you talking about, darling?” Rarity asked. She had entered the spa while Wits was waiting for his appointment, and insisted on him getting the same package she was getting. Hence the mud bath, cucumber wrap, etcetera. “I feel positively refreshed! Maybe you just need to go again?”

“No thanks,” Wits said quickly. “I guess I’m just more of a spaghetti guy than a spa-getting one.” He stared pointedly at Rarity from his upside-down position. “Get it?”

“I get it,” Rarity deadpanned.

“You’re not laughing.”

“That is because I got the pun.” Rarity shook her head. “Honestly, I find it hard to believe we missed you at all.”

Wits rolled over onto his stomach. “Aw, you guys missed me?”

Rarity coughed, which she turned into a haughty scoff. “Why, I’ve never… even heard… such a ridiculous… What’s going on over there?”

“You can’t distract me with a ‘look over there’ routi-” Wits followed Rarity’s outstretched forehoof to an obviously distraught young mare wearing a torn, yet expensive-looking, dress. “Looks like a plot hook to me. Let’s see what’s up.”

“Ah… How about if you sit this one out?” Rarity forced a smile, her eyes darting to the band around Wits’ head for a moment. “I’m quite sure I can handle a bit of dress repair on my own.”

“Yeah, but what about whatever tore the dress in the first place?” Wits asked, hopping off of the bench and stretching his legs. “Maybe she’s secretly a princess, and her maid was ponynapped by bandits, and she’s looking for somepony to help rescue her?”

“I think you’re thinking of Discord’s little game, dear.”

“Yeah but-”

“Please, Wits!” Rarity cut through the stallion’s next words with her polite, yet firm, exclamation. “If you really want to help, then go enjoy the rest of this lovely day. I know I’ll be able to help that poor girl better if I know you’re not undoing all of the hard work Aloe and Lotus Blossom put into making you look half-way presentable.”

Wits pouted. “Hey, I resemble that remark.” After a moment, he sighed. “Fine. I’ll go find some way to keep myself occupied that doesn’t involve devious bandits and daring rescues.”

With a smile, Rarity nodded. “Thank you. I’ll let you know how the dress repair went later. Ta ta!” One flip of her mane later, Rarity was prancing towards the mare in the torn dress. Wits watched as the two mares chatted quite animatedly for a short time before Rarity led her off, singing a cheery song about friendship and dresses that the rest of Ponyville helpfully joined in on as they trotted by, only to go back to their daily lives as the fashionista passed.

Wits waited until the background music had faded into the distance. “So that just kinda happens in this world, huh?” he asked no-pony in particular. “Alrighty then.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird, right?” Pinkie asked from directly behind him.

“AUGH!” Wits lept almost a foot into the air, somehow turning while airborne to face the pink party pony. “Don’t do that! What’re you doing here anyway?”

Pinkie grinned. “Oh, I’m keeping an eye on Patchy today, but then he said he wanted to be alone for a while, and I had to check on the cakes anyway, so I thought I’d check in on you real quick while I did the checking! Plus you were talking to yourself, and it was the perfect time to say something for maximum comedy!”

“Hang on a tick.” Wits paused his attempt to calm his rapid heart rate. “You’re watching Light Patch?”

“Yep!”

“And making cakes.”

“Yeppers!”

“But then, how did you get over here in time to be there just in time to respond to my hypothetical question?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Pinkie stuck her tongue out playfully. “The part where I’m watching Patchy hasn’t been published yet, so I can do whatever I want.”

Wits groaned, feeling a headache starting to form. “Look, I’m really not in the mood for meta-fictional humor.” He paused. “Actually, hang on. Can we go back to that ‘you’re watching Light Patch’ part?”

“Sure!” Now it was Pinkie’s turn to pause. “Wait, no, we can’t. That’s a secret.”

“What’d you mean, it’s a secret?”

“I’ve said too much!” Pinkie began hopping backwards away from Wits. “I must go! My cakes need me!”

“Wha- Come back here!” Wits chased the pink pronking party pony until she disappeared around a corner. He slid to a stop, seeing neither pink hide nor magenta hair of the mare. “Man, that whole teleporting thing is really useful for avoiding exposition,” he grumbled. A roar from down the street cut off the rest of his train of thought. “That sounded big. And dangerous.” He grinned. “Sweet.”

It didn’t take long for the mint-colored unicorn to find the source of the roar. A monsterous, slimy, eel-like creature that towered over the panicking ponies around it. Its many finned tentacles whipped about, crashing through buildings and sending unlucky ponies flying. A large lamprey-like mouth opened from the center of its mass, seated below a trio of inky black eyes, and it let loose another roar. Wits braced himself as he felt the sound roll over him, as well as echoing in his thoughts.

Wits’ grin widened as he faced down the beached Aboleth. “Sweet.” He darted forward, dodging debris launched at him by the flailing tentacles, and tucked into a roll under a wild swing. “Alright, I’m gonna give you one chance,” he called, rolling to his feet in front of the creature’s gaping maw. “You go back to whatever watery depths you dragged yourself out of. And when you go back to the waters and tell others of this town, when you tell of its riches, its ponies, its potential… When you talk of Ponyville, then make sure you tell them this. It. Is. Defend-”

“Wits, stop!” Fluttershy darted between Wits and the creature. “Everypony just calm down!”

“Wh- But-” Wits motioned to the massive, flabby, tentacled mass behind her. “Big monster!”

The Aboleth pulled itself forward, bringing its toothy maw closer to the pegasus mare. Its jaw opened, unrolling a long pallid tongue, dripping with ropes of goo. Its chest heaved, pulling air into primitive lungs through a layer of slime that encased its entire body so that it may utter its first words since beginning its rampage. “Oh no, a biwg monstah? Dat’s tewwible! Dat sounds wewwy wewwy scawwy!”

For once, Wits was at a loss for words. His mouth moved silently for several seconds, occasionally letting out a weak whimper. Finally, he pulled together enough to ask a single question. “Really?

Fluttershy kept her forelegs held out in front of the Aboleth, facing Wits in a way that made it clear that she wasn’t protecting him from the massive creature, but was instead doing the opposite. “Wits, Whimsy is completely-” she looked back at the damage its tentacles had done “-well, mostly harmless. Sometimes they just get confused and wander into town, that’s all!”

“I got wost,” Whimsy offered, seeming to deflate.

“I know, Whimsy,” Fluttershy replied.

“It hawpens a wot.”

“I know, Whimsy.”

“Hang on.” Wits placed a hoof over his muzzle, trying to hold off the oncoming headache. “Is it, like, a split personality thing? Where, like, half the time it’s Nice Aboleth, and the other half it’s Murder Aboleth?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “They’re always like this. Most of the time, they stay in the Everfree Forest with Steven Magnet.”

Whimsy shifted, brushing away a piece of debris on its back with a tentacle. “I got wost.”

“We know, Whimsy.”

Wits trotted up next to Fluttershy, looking up at the towering monster. “You’re telling me you got lost and ended up in the middle of Ponyville?” he asked.

“I’m not a cwevah Aboweff,” Whimsy muttered as quietly as a creature of his size could.

“How do you have a lisp? You don’t have lips.”

Whimsy gestured towards its lamprey-like jaws with a tentacle. “I can’t make hawd ‘awa’ sownds wif my mouf wike dis.”

“Alright,” Fluttershy cut in, turning to face the Aboleth. “Whimsy, can you help clean up this mess? Once you’re done, we’ll go back to Steven. Okay?”

“Uwu...” The massive creature quivered. “Am I in twouble, Miss Fwuttashy?”

Fluttershy smiled gently. “We’ll talk about that later, okay?”

Whimsy leaned closer to Wits End, dropping its voice to what could charitibly be called a ground-rumbling whisper. “I dink I’m in twouble.”

Wits sighed, visibly defeated. “I know, Whimsy.”

The two ponies watched as the Aboleth carefully picked up the large pieces of rubble and set them aside, sweeping bricks and wood into separate piles to help repair the damage it had caused. All the while, it apologized profusely to the ponies around it; none of which seemed all that upset now that the excitement was over.

Fluttershy moved a little closer to Wits. The unicorn seemed… smaller, in terms of presence. “Are you… okay?”

“Ah… I guess? I just...” Wits fell silent for a moment. “The last time I was a pony, we were on an adventure. Lots of fighting, questing, saving the day, that kind of thing. Then in the high school universe, everything came down to a bunch of big fights to save the world. Now that I’m here, I kinda thought…”

“That's how things worked in this world too?” Fluttershy asked.

“That's how my life was going to work from now on,” Wits corrected. “It sounds silly, but I honestly thought I was finally having my ‘In Another World’ story. In Discord’s adventure, I felt like a hero; like I was really important for the first time. Like what I did mattered. I guess I thought being here in Equestria would be a return to that.”

Fluttershy paused. “You don’t have to be a hero to be important. You can be normal for a while.”

“I’m tired of normal, Fluttershy.” Wits’ reply came out sharper than he had intended. “Sorry. I just liked being a hero. I still want to be one. Being normal just… doesn’t work for me anymore. After climbing Mount Doom, I don’t think I can go back to the Shire.” He tapped the circlet around his head. “Doesn’t help that I got stuck with this thing, either.”

“I don’t really understand the Mount Doom thing,” Fluttershy said slowly, “but… I do understand what you’re saying. It was… kinda hard to go back to normal after becoming an Element of Harmony.”

“But you did go back to normal.”

“When I can.” Fluttershy smiled, a strange expression on her face. “We’ve been the Elements for a while, Wits. After this long, I like normal when I can get it.” Her smile softened, and she placed a forehoof gently on Wits’ shoulder. “There’ll always be something to do in Equestria, and you’ll have plenty of chances to be a hero. For now, I think you should get used to what normal feels like again.”

Wits sighed and sniffed. “Yeah, I guess I’ve been running on adrenaline for a while now. I haven’t really tried to be normal since all this stuff started… Alright, you’ve convinced me.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Good. Now, I have to take Whimsy back to the Everfree. Are you going to be alright here?”

“Can I come with you?” Wits got his answer in the form of a look in Fluttershy’s eyes. “It was worth a shot. I’m sure there’ll be somepony here to keep an eye on me.”

“Wh-what do you-”

“Come on. Every time something remotely interesting happens, there’s an Element of Harmony here to take care of it right away? Just ‘cause I’m allowed to roam the facility doesn’t mean I’m not under observation.”

Fluttershy blushed, breaking eye contact with the unicorn stallion. “I-I-I don’t know what you’re-”

“Pinkie already spilled the beans.”

“...Oh.”

“I’m not angry, Fluttershy.” Wits smirked. “Really, I’m not. I wish somepony had told me ahead of time, but I do think the plan is a good one.” He made a dismissive gesture with one forehoof. “Go on. I’ll stay out of trouble here.”

Fluttershy frowned, then sighed. “Sorry, Wits. I’ll talk to Twilight later. I hope you have a good day.” With that, she waved to Whimsy and began leading him out of town.

Once the pegasus was out of sight, Wits’ smile fell. “Not angry,” he muttered. “Just disappointed. Of course this was Twilight’s idea.” He pushed his irritation to the back of his mind. “I’ll just have to talk to Twilight later as well.” After a deep breath, he forced a smile onto his face. “Now, on to being normal.”

A dramatically timed crash of thunder interrupted the otherwise cloudless day. The following maniacal barking laughter seemed to be the next natural step. Wits gazed longingly in the direction of the sound, turned away, and shook his head. “Nope. Being normal. Normal, everyday pony stuff. Nothing to see here. Move along. Move along, like I know you do.”

A second thunderclap sounded behind him, and a quick glance over his shoulder revealed a dark aura forming over the marketplace. Wits twitched, as the townsponies nearby began making their way into their houses. “Normal. Normal. Normal? Normal. Nnnnnmmmmmm.” He threw his forehooves in the air. “Frack it! Hero!” With that, he charged down the street towards the market.

* * *

“Tremble! Fear! Behold, for I am… the Underdog!” The darkly colored Diamond Dog wasn’t much larger than the ponies around him, but the townsfolk took the gathering darkness as a sign to run away anyway. “Your day in the sun is over, surfacelings!” He held Scootaloo’s helmet in his claws and chuffed in laughter. “With this becursed artifact, I, the Underdog, shall crumble your topside tyranny and-”

“Surprise attack!” Wits’ forehoof connected with the side of the Underdog’s face with a harsh crack, sending the Diamond Dog sprawling. The unicorn shook his hoof and cracked his neck. “You know, head protection only works if you wear it.”

The Underdog shook his head and stared at Wits. “You! Usurper of the tyrian claw-paw-things! You’re the one who stole our preeeeeecious artifact! But now,” he held the helmet in front of him, “now I have reclaimed our mighty weapon, and will use it to conquer-”

“Hang on, time out.” Wits stared at the object in the Diamond Dog’s paws. “Your artifact is a children’s helmet?”

“This is no pup’s head protector, pony! This is an ancient artifact!”

“Looks like a helmet, dude.”

“Be silent! Your puny pony mind cannot perceive the true nature of this-”

“Surprise attack!” Wits’ hoof shot out, clocking the Underdog across the chin. “Come on, man!” The stallion danced from side to side, holding his forehooves out like a boxer. “You gonna fight? Or are you just bumpin’ gums, ya hard-boiled turtle-slapper?”

The Diamond Dog snarled. “Enough idle chattering, then! Have at you!” He swung the helmet-shaped artifact in front of him, aiming the convex side at Wits. “Destroy this insolent horse-worm!”

Wits watched as the helmet began to glow with a dark aura, like that surrounding the marketplace. In an instant, the aura collapsed to a single point and fired out in a thin beam of dark magic, cutting through the ground on its way to where Wits stood. Where the beam passed, gouts of black flame erupted from the blasted earth. “Danger helmet!” Wits lept to one side, narrowly avoiding the beam. He tucked into a roll to gain some distance from the pillar of darkness that grew from where he had been standing.

Rolling to his hooves, Wits shook the dirt from his mane and grinned. “Is that all you’ve got? I’ve fought princesses before, dude. This is-” He dodged another beam, ducking under debris thrown from a fruit stall caught in the blast. “This is honestly a bit of a letdown.”

“Be silent and fight, worm!” the Underminer howled.

“Sorry, bud. I don’t really do the whole ‘let my hooves do the talking’ thing. More of a Spider-pony kinda guy than a Batpony, really.” He stopped short. “Sorry, Thestral. Anyway, lemme show you what some real magic looks like!” Wits focused on the Diamond Dog, motes of violet light forming around him. “You like earth? Prepare to go to space!”

A single mote of magical energy sparked from the tip of Wits’ horn, floating lazily to the ground less than a foot in front of him. Both combatants stared at the place where the mote landed, which fizzled for a moment before bursting into very tiny flames.

After a few seconds, Wits and the Underdog looked up to stare at each other. Wits smiled sheepishly. “Okay, we’ll call it a draw.”

A moment later, Wits flung himself out of the way of another dark magic beam. Gosh darn it, Twilight! he thought, glaring up at the magic-repressing circlet around his head. I was doing a thing and everything! He rolled behind the stone boulder and pulled at the circlet to no avail; it was as if it was glued to his scalp. “Oh, come on!” he growled. “Really? What if this was a life-or-death situation?”

Wits’ eyes went wide as an energy beam cut through the boulder above him. “That it is, surfaceling!” the Underdog laughed as Wits jumped away from the resulting burst of dark flame. “Don’t you know? Dark magic can cut through anything! Surrender, and your demise will be a slow and exhausting one in the mines below!”

“What’s the alternative?” Wits asked.

“Quick and painful!” Another blast of dark magic shot past the mint-colored stallion, reducing a vegetable stall to a burning heap of wood and cabbages.

Dark magic cuts through anything, huh? Wits mused. That gives me a terrible idea. He darted forward, ducking under another sweeping beam of energy to stop directly in front of the Underdog. “Alright, hit me with your best shot then! For those about to rock!” he shouted, pushing the helmet up towards his face. “Fire!”

The Underdog’s next shot fired into the sky, piercing a hole through clouds. “Fool!” he crowed. “Nothing can survive a point-blank blast from this! You’ve chosen the quick and painful choice after all!” He turned to the remaining, cowering ponies. “Now, bow down before your new underlord; the Underd-”

A mint-colored hoof landed on the Diamond Dog’s shoulder. “Hey.”

Slowly, the Underdog turned back towards the stallion. Wits stood, wisps of dark flames dancing across the side of his face; kept at bay by a thin, violet layer of magic. He reached up with one hoof, pulling the broken pieces of the circlet from his head. “Thanks for the help there,” he said, dropping the circlet to one side. “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

The Underdog gulped. “Done what, exactly?”

Wits summoned a giant hand, grabbing hold of the Diamond Dog’s entire body. He shifted his raised hoof until he was just barely touching his foe’s nose. “Skadoosh.”

The hand flung the Diamond Dog into the sky, forming a second hole in the clouds. “I’ll be baaaaaack!” he cried, his voice fading away just as quickly as he did.

Wits picked up the helmet from where it had landed, dusting it off. “I should take this to Twilight,” he said, licking his hoof and rubbing at a stubborn piece of dirt affixed to the surface. After a moment, he picked up the broken circlet. “I should probably take this to her too.” He looked around at the now completely destroyed marketplace, the burning pyres of dark flames, and the still panicked ponies. He waved the one, and watched as she passed out on the spot. “I should come up with a reaaaaaaally good excuse before I talk to Twilight.”

Chapter 8: Two Can Be As Bad As One

“-and that was when Baron Von Wurst swung in through the window, his baguette rapier held at the ready and he was all, ‘I stand ready to deliver justice to those lacking or in need of it and this time you shall not escape it’! But that was just from his body language. All he actually said was, ‘Sup’. Which of course, naturally caused Princess Pineapple, Princess Durian and Prince Blueberry to instantly cheer up, it was also about this time that the evil tyrant Iceburg Lettuce entered the towers dungeon, flanked by Kumquat the Turncoat who took that moment to turn his coat back around and then he turned to face Baron Von Wurst and asked him if he realized how much it complicated things with him busting up the windows in a tower top dungeon an-”

“Wait, I’m confused,” Light Patch mumbled from under the pillow he’d never bothered to move when Pinkie started to explain her latest dream. “I thought Kumquat was at the BonBon Ball and that was a day or two away from Iceburg’s Castle?”

“You’re right! I forgot to mention he left the Ball early and rushed back because the letter he’d gotten was actually from Baron Von Wurst calling him to aid him in his rescue attempt!” Pinkie explained. She inhaled, preparing to start back in on the dream when Light Patch interrupted her again.

“Look,” Light Patch said, finally dragging the pillow off his head and turning to face Pinkie, “I appreciate the company. And that you're trying to cheer me up. But really, I’d like to just be alone for right now.”

“You sure? I mean, sometimes I think I wanna be left alone, but in reality, I don’t actually wanna be alone,” Pinkie replied.

“Yeah, I’m sure I actually wanna be left alone. If I decide I want company. I’m sure Spike is kicking around the castle somewhere.” Light Patch said, laying his head back on the bed. He assumed the silence that followed was because Pinkie had left. A quiet shuffling caused him to open an eye and look to find Pinkie quietly shifting in place, a concerned look on her face.

Her eyes caught his and she quickly asked, “are you abso-surely-lutely sure you wanna be left alone?”

“Yes.”

“But Twili- I mean, I’m worried about you.” Pinkie quickly tried to cover up her slip of the tongue.

“Did Twilight make you Pinkie Promise to stick around me?”

“No no no, she’s just worried about you three,” Pinkie quickly corrected.

“Bordering on paranoia,” Light Patch muttered. “It’s one thing to want to keep us from stewing due to lack of things to do, but it’s another to try to keep us from having a little down time.” Light Patch looked Pinkie right in the eye. “Whatever. I don’t care right now. I’m fine, Pinkie. I just need to be alone for a bit.”

“But... the rest of us are worried about you three as well. You’re all acting a little-”

Spike stuck his head into the room and after only a moment of looking around, his eyes locked onto the pink party pony. “Hey, Pinkie. I’m not sure what you’ve got in the kitchen ovens, but I think it’s starting to burn.”

“Oh no! I forgot about the cake I started here so I could stay here with you like Twilight asked me to and still do what I promised the Cakes I’d get done today!” Pinkie shouted, hovering in mid air before bolting off towards the kitchen.

“Thanks, Spike.”

“Not a problem.” Spike shrugged. “I understand the need to be alone for a while. Though, more from the direction of having too much of it sometimes.”

“Too much of anything can be bad.”

“I mean, I know I’m young, but I’m reasonably tough and basically fireproof. Honestly, they should bring me along more because I’d be a tremendous help in their adventures.”

“Nearly irreplaceable.”

“Not to mention that I’m small and can sneak around unnoticed.”

“Like the lone sock you left sitting on the dresser top.”

“And I can fit into tight spaces and crawl through air ducts to stage a breakout. I’m basically the dragon version of a multi tool,” Spike said, striking a pose.

“You forgot your hand writing skills.” Light Patch muttered.

“Oh right! I’m the best at hand writing!” Spike continued proudly until he met the glare Light Patch was shooting at him from under his pillow. “I’ll, uh... I’ll give you that alone time now.”

“Spike!” Twilight’s voice echoed from deeper in the castle before the little dragon could close the door. “Spike, where are you?!” Her voice called again much closer.

“Here Twilight!” he answered, shooting a quick apologetic smile towards Light Patch.

“Spike, why is Pinkie trying to burn our castle down with cakes when she said she’d keep an eye on Light Patch today?” Twilight asked, her voice getting closer and her hoof steps becoming hearable shortly after the familiar pop of teleportation.

“Because Light Patch is still here in the castle?” the dragon answered cautiously, trying to not look through the open door he was standing near.

“I thought we’d agreed to not let him mope around the castle and to make sure he’s out and about,” Twilight said, coming around the corner at the end of the corridor.

“I think you and the other’s agreed. I suggested giving him and the other two colts some time to themselves,” Spike recalled, his fists resting on his hips.

“I’m just worried about them.” Twilight sat down in front of Spike so she could rub her forehead near her horn as if to fight off a headache. “Their powers from Discords games seem to be back, on top of new things manifesting. Suddenly, Light Patch is off brand Pinkie, Wits seems to be trying to be Mega Stallion, and Purple Heart is... Well, I don’t know what he is, but it’s more intense than I’ve ever seen.” Twilight threw her hooves out to punctuate her shouting.

“So things are getting a little weird. To be fair, you girls tend to be weirdness magnets,” Spike countered as he tried to quietly close the door without Twilight looking into it. “Why are you so focused on keeping them busy?”

“I was hoping the girls might be able to get some insight into the weird powers. For example, I was hoping Pinkie would be able to figure out how much of her abilities Light Patch is manifesting.”

“You’re having the girls run tests on them?” Spike asked, his hands returning to rest balled up on his hips, having forgotten about the door.

“No... Maybe... Sort of... I just want to make sure they aren’t... I just want to confirm a few things,” Twilight finished weakly.

“Are you going Enclave on me, Twilight?” Light Patch asked, having lifted the pillow that he was trying to hide under. Twilight jumped to her hooves with a yelp and stuck her head through the door frame to look at the pegasus with a mixture of confusion, shock, and annoyance.

“How long have you been here?” Twilight asked.

“All day. This is the room you assigned to me,” Light Patch replied, rolling onto his side to look up at Twilight who was frowning as she digested his response and earlier question.

“What do you mean by ‘enclave’?” She finally asked.

“Ugh. I didn’t wanna explain this... Okay, short version: the Enclave was a shadowy organization in the U.S. government in a fictional universe. A big war was looming on the horizon and they felt the best way to save themselves was to go into space. To see if that would work, they had vaults made which would pretend to save people from the war, but were really just meant to run experiments on people to see if long term survival in space was feasible.”

“I’m not experimenting on you three, just testing a fe-”

“I never said it was a perfect analogy, but the three of us don’t really appreciate how hard you're trying to hide your tests without actually doing a good job of hiding them,” Light Patch interrupted, waving his free hoof around. “If you want to do tests and check things, just ask us. Don’t hide it like we’re state enemies number one through three.”

“I’m just concerned. All through your time in the mirror world, you never showed any of your abilities and then suddenly you come here and they’re back? And all three of you have been acting a little weir-”

“Try getting kidnapped from your world twice and thrown into life threatening situations, see what that does to your normal state of mind.” Light Patch suddenly took a deep breath in and held it for a few moments before finally letting it out. “I’m not dealing with this right now, I really don’t care. I’ll let Purple Heart or Wits End deal with you and your experiments on us. I really don’t care right now.” He mimed washing his fore hooves before rolling over on the bed to face away from Twilight.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about! If I told the Light Patch I know that his friends seemed to be a little off, he’d be trying to find any and every way to help them! You just shrug and say it’s not your problem!” Twilight breathed heavily, pointing a hoof accusingly at him. “The Light Patch I knew cares about things. You don’t.”

“You try caring all of the time, see how long it takes before you’re burnt out trying to put out every fire by yourself! We stopped the villains Discord made. Or so we thought. Granted, we missed one that managed to escape and cause havoc in another world that we got dragged into to clean up another mess that we got blamed for! Then, when we do manage to clean up the mess, we immediately get dropped into some void which then scatters us across Equestria rather than lets us go home!” Twilight’s ears folded back as the volume of Light’s voice continued to rise.

“First thing that happens when I get back is I run into a farm in trouble and try, and fail, to save it!” Light Patch grunted as his gestures elicited pulses of soreness, reminding him he was still healing some. “As a result, I get the tar and stuffing beaten out of me! Then, I get brought back to your castle and, rather than being greeted like a friend, it feels like I’m some alien being studied by scientists in a lab!” He paused and tried the breath trick again, this time rubbing his head with the leg on which the magic suppressor was attached.

“Like I mentioned before, I’m not a hero. I don’t have the experience or endurance you and your friends have, Twilight. I need time to rest.” The pegasus’ tone suddenly became very calm. “Rest and not being treated like I’m the next big villain. And it’s clear to see that I’m not going to get it here.”

Light Patch looked at the magic suppressor. To the surprise of the other two in the room, he slid it off without issue and tossed it to the ground in front of the alicorn. “There is your little trinket, Twilight. You might want to look into sizing that thing better next time. It’s a little lose.

“How did... It shouldn’t have come off! It shouldn’t have! I’m the only one who could’ve removed it...” Twilight stammered, staring at the bangle on the floor. She looked up at the pegasus and noticed that his eyes looked different. A new light seemed to shimmer behind his eyes, almost making the whites look like the inside of an oyster’s shell.

“I’ll be back when I’ve actually had a chance to think by myself,” Light Patch said, hopping off the bed.

“Light Patch, wait! I’m jus-” Twilight started to say, moving to block the doorway when he just winked out of existence. She looked around in confusion. Pinkie suddenly burst into the room followed by Spike who had been quietly watching from just past the door frame.

“I heard the shouting! What's wrong? And where’s Light Patch?” Pinkie asked, dashing about the room.

“I thought you could feel when he was using your abilities?” Twilight asked, confused and a little stunned.

“Yeah, normally. But there’s no way that could have been my powers. I mean, for starters, his disappearance wasn’t funny in the slightest. I usually can’t make them work during intense moments. Sometimes during big fights, but only when it’d be funny,” Pinkie replied,looking under the bed Light Patch had been in.

“Not that I’ve got a lot of experience,” Spike chimed in, “but that seemed more like the way Discord teleports rather than a unicorn or Pinkie.” He saw his look of concern mirrored on Pinkie and Twilight’s faces. Twilight sighed and looked back at the magic suppressor band. She frowned and, with a look of confusion, she asked.

“Wait... when did this break?”

Chapter 9: Awfully Fine Treasure?

Purple Heart scrutinized the collar around his reflection’s neck. A scowl marred his face as he lifted a hoof to poke at the metal binder.

“You’d think that Twilight is actually trying to make me look like a criminal,” he muttered under his breath, catching the reflections of ponies looking at him in the window. “Why couldn’t she have put on my foreleg? That would have looked cool.” He sighed, turning away from the mirror and set to walking down the street, ignoring the ponies giving him a wide berth. The purple earth pony walked several blocks before he spoke to himself again.

“‘Put this binder on’,” he squeaked in a bad imitation of Twilight. “‘It’ll help you control your bouts of telekinesis and give me readings on how you’re able to do it’.” He snorted. “‘Control’ my butt. I have perfect control.” A green thread materialized out of his shoulder, coming forward so he could look at the thin appendage. “It’s funny she thinks this is telekinetic. Or that it’s even magical in origin.” The thread nodded in agreement and a smile curved his lips. His eyes lifted from the thread and looked down the road, irises flashing and remaining a poisonous green.

“She wants me to make friends, hmm?” he hummed, pulling the thread back into his body. “Well then... maybe I should indulge her.” He grinned widely, showing far too many teeth.

“Should be fun.”

* * *

Two ponies dashed through the forest, casting worried looks over their shoulders as they ran. One of them, a female earth pony with coat and mane the color of burnished copper, kicked at a tree as she passed it, bringing it crashing to the forest floor to block the path. Her companion, a male unicorn steel grey of coat and blue of mane, pulled a vine from the canopy and strung it around two trees, creating a makeshift tripwire. With a shared nod of appreciation for their delaying tactics, the pair resumed their flight. They tore through the woods, not wasting time or energy in looking over their shoulders, as they could hear their pursuers just fine as they tramped resolutely through the brush.

“I never thought my parents could be so stubborn,” the colt said, wheezing for breath.

“Nor mine,” the mare agreed. “I knew our families never got on well, but to go crazy all because the two of us love each other? It’s ridiculous!”

“I hope you know that I didn’t mean to hurt your cousin,” the colt panted. “It was an accident.”

“I know,” the mare acknowledged. “The rest of her squadmates aren’t going to be happy though. She just managed to get promoted to sergeant.”

“I’m sorry,” the colt apologized, stopping briefly to wrap a hoof around the mare’s shoulders. They stood there momentarily, basking in the presence of each other. Their moment was broken when a shout sounded behind them.

“There they are!” The sounds of pursuit grew louder and cries of rage could be heard clearly now.

“Get away from him!”

“Get away from her!”

“How dare you dishonor your family in such a manner!”

“Stop copying me!”

“Curse you!”

“Mountague!”

“Canterlet!”

The mare and colt resumed their flight and dashed away. Branches and bushes thwacked at them as they ran. Panic flooded the duo’s bodies. Subcounsciously, they both started praying, hoping that something or somepony would help them.

Without warning, they were yanked off the path by some invisible force. The duo tried to cry out in surprise and horror, but their mouths refused to open. They clung to each other as trees whizzed by, in some cases nearly hitting them and ceasing their uncontrolled flight. But they hit nothing and they continued to fly until they came upon a cave. Their flight slowed minutely but noticeably, and they fell to the ground, sliding into the cave. In the darkness, they groaned, their mouths finally free to open.

“Well, well, well,” a voice chortled from the dark. “What have we here? A female earth pony and a male unicorn. How lovely.” The pair of fleeing ponies scrambled to their hooves, looking around the dark cave in panic.

“Who are you? Show yourself!” the mare demanded. The colt stood behind her, horn glowing with blue light to match his coat.

“Ho~? A little spitfire,” the voice chuckled, echoing around them. The mare grit her teeth.

“What do you want?” she snarled, red coat glimmering with the light from the colt’s magic.

“Want? Me?” The voice cackled. “Bah! Here I am, having just saved your hindquarters from those crazy ponies out there, and you start making demands of me?! How adorable!”

The two ponies shivered as the cackling returned and a large form shifted in the darkness. The first thing they saw was luminous green eyes bobbing along in the shadows. What followed was the largest earth pony the pair had ever seen. Besides his purple coat and mane with green highlights, the most identifying feature the stallion had was a large metal collar around his neck. That, and the wide grin on his face.

“Greetings,” he said, inclining his head. “My name is Purple Patches. How do you do?”

The mare stepped forward defiantly, head held high. “I’m Jewel Canterlet.” She jerked her head at the unicorn behind her. “This is my coltfriend, Roam Mountague.”

The large colt arched an eyebrow. “Your families wouldn’t happen to have been feuding for longer than they can remember?” he asked.

“How’d you know that?!” Roam demanded, stepping around Jewel. Patches’ green eyes zoned in on the unicorn, making him take a half step back.

“Lucky guess,” Patches replied, shrugging. “Now, what brings you two lovebirds to my humble abode?”

“I dunno,” Jewel said, looking around skeptically. “Something just dragged us here.” She gave a gusty sigh of relief. “Whatever it was got us away from our crazy families.”

“Aah, that was me,” Patches said. “Just had a little help from my friends.” A number of green threads appeared from the blackness behind the purple stallion, waving to the couple cheekily. Roam squeaked and hid behind Jewel. Jewel’s reaction wasn’t much better. She took a recoiling step back, her face a mask of apprehension.

“We didn’t see anything holding us,” she murmured. “They were invisible?” Her face twisted into a look of rage. “How do we know there aren’t any of those things on us right now?”

Patches chuckled. “You don’t.” He grinned. “But have no fear. I’ve no need to take you or your little friend.”

“Why?” Roam asked, plucking up the courage to speak. “Everypony wants something.”

Patches blinked at them for a moment. Then he threw back his head and cackled. Roam and Jewel recoiled again, looking at each other worriedly, wondering what this pony was. Patches’ laughter subsided.

“All lands it seems are tainted by the greed of ponies,” he sighed, looking at his hooves. He looked up, green eyes flashing brightly in the dim light. “Rubbish to one such as I, devoid of all worldly wants.” He sniggered, the cave echoing with his laughter again. He sighed again. “Hmm… I dunno… Maybe it's just the way we are.”

“If there’s one thing my parents taught me that I’ll always believe, is that everypony wants something,” Roam said resolutely. “What do you want?”

Purple Patches squinted at the unicorn, his gaze unnerving the colt. Roam shuffled his hooves and looked away in discomfort.

Patches sighed at the colt’s lack of backbone and shook his head. “Fun, control, a sense of where I am and what I’m doing,” he said.

“Oh… Okay… Not sure how to help you with the last two things, but do you think you’d have fun helping us get away from our parents?” Roam asked hesitantly.

Purple arched an eyebrow. “Depends,” he hedged.

“On what?” Jewel asked heatedly.

The large purple stallion grinned widely. Roam and Jewel shivered, discomforted by the wideness of Purple’s smile.

“Who’s next in line to succeed your parents?”

* * *

Lord Mountague sneered at the mare beside him, resisting the urge to resume their earlier conflict. What did his son see in that filly? Why couldn’t Roam find a filly from across the continent instead of within the house of his one and only rival? The blue unicorn exhaled a huff of derision. closing his eyes to the problems before him.

“Must you breathe so loudly?” a scathing voice demanded. “Shouldn’t a pony of your station know how to control one’s air? Or is there simply a pollen that has taken issue with your sinuses?”

Mountague opened his eyes to glare up at the female earth pony. Lady Canterlet looked down her nose at him and scoffed, tossing her mane. “I cannot fathom what my daughter sees in your whelp,” she continued. “Clearly, your whelp sees a strong, independant mare ready to take on the court of Canterlot. However, why MY daughter? Aren’t there other fillies your spawn can throw himself at?”

Mountague drew himself to his max height, the tip of his horn just reaching Lady Canterlet’s eye level.

“My son,” he snarled, “has excellent prospects and doesn’t need your daughter. Believe you me, he could have done far far worse. But I completely agree that your tart is absolutely not the sort of mare I want my son cavorting with. He’s been tutored by the finest Equestria has to offer and is wholly capable of entering the political landscape. The court is filled with giants.” Mountague’s eyes flashed and he smirked challengingly. “And he will become one.”

Lady Canterlet’s retorted was forestalled by the approach of two stallions, one draped in the blue robes of House Mountague, the other decked out in the red fatigues of House Canterlet.

“My Lord,” the blue-robed stallion said, addressing Mountague, “there’s been no sign of the Young Lord.”

“Nor of the Young Lady,” the Canterlet retainer added. “They may have travelled deeper into the forest.”

“Widen your search!” Canterlet snapped, grabbing the front of the red-garbed stallion’s fatigues. She shook the pony violently. “Search everywhere! Leave no stone unturned! Find her and the whelp! Look under every shrub, in every tree, every hollow! Go!” Her voice boomed through the trees, sending birds and woodland creatures scurrying alongside her retainers. The blue robed stallion looked questioningly to his lord and received a nod of affirmation.

“Look for my son,” Mountague ordered. “Send out more scouts. Scour the country road. Go.” The stallion bowed and departed, leaving the two heads of house to themselves. There was nary a moment of silence between the pair when a voice spoke, echoing from all around them.

“My goodness. What a frightful racket.”

Mountague and Canterlet whirled around, immediately on guard as they searched their surroundings for this newcomer. Laughter sounded in the forest, sending shivers up their spines. Canterlet set herself, prepared to charge forward as soon as a target made itself known. Magic flickered to life on Mountague’s horn, a spell held ready in his mind to cast.

“Well, well,” the voice chided. “Both of you are on a hair trigger, eh? What could possibly set you on edge? Mayhaps you’re missing something of value? Something important?”

The two house heads stiffened, fire igniting in their eyes as they searched for the voice’s source.

“Where is my daughter?!”

“Where is my son?!”

“Aaw, no stereo? One would think, considering your shared situation, you’d join forces to find your respective offspring. But instead, you’re squabbling, needling each other to start a fight.” The voice scoffed. “No wonder your children ran off. You’re both insufferable.”

“Say that to my face, coward!” Canterlet snarled. A shape dropped from the canopy, landing hard in front of the red mare. Canterlet reeled back in surprise. The pony before her was massive, taller than her by a head.

“You’re both insufferable,” the purple stallion repeated, green eyes flashing as a grin curved his lips.

Mountague’s brow furrowed, the male unicorn standing abreast with Canterlet. “Who are you?” he asked. The large purple and green pony tapped his forehead with a hoof as if tipping a hat.

“Purple Patches, at your service,” the large stallion replied.

Mountague squinted, eyes locking on the metal collar circling the newcomer’s neck. “I don’t recall seeing a bulletin for escaped convicts,” he mused. Purple Patches cocked his head in confusion. Canterlet stiffened, gesturing at the collar.

“You were a prisoner, weren’t you?” she sneered

The purple earth pony lifted a hoof and tapped the ring. He gave a sigh, rolling his eyes. “Ah. This.” He snorted, eyes narrowing at the female earth pony. “I’m hardly a prisoner. Although...” He cocked his head again. “From how the Princess is treating me, I might as well be.” He chuckled.

Canterlet grit her teeth and growled. “What do you want?” she snarled.

Purple Patches blinked, rocking back on his hooves. “I can see where your daughter gets her manners from,” he said. “And her questions.” He glanced at Mountague. “Your son though. Quite the philosopher. When I said I didn’t want anything, he disagreed. Said that all ponies want something or other.”

“Where. Is. My son?” Mountague ground out, taking a step towards Purple Patches. “What did you do to him?”

“Do to him?” Patches gasped. “I saved him. You two were bringing down a posse on the poor colt. He’s terrified.” He looked at Mountague disapprovingly. “Some father you are.”

“He’s MY SON! I know what’s good for him! And that red tart is anything but good for him!” Mountague bellowed.

Canterlet whirled around to face the blue unicorn. “YOUR son is a spineless whelp who wouldn’t last five minutes in boot camp!”

“At least I’ve trained my son for the rhetoric of court politics and international relations! Can you say the same for your brutish offspring?!”

“How dare you!”

“How dare you?!”

The two house heads were butting heads now, glaring at the other with hatred and no small amount of disdain. Purple Patches sighed as he watched the two growl at each other. With a flick of his hoof, a dozen threads burst from his body and wound around the two confrontational ponies. One small yank later and the pair were separated. Purple Patches strode between the two of them and looked from one stunned pony to the other.

“Hi there, remember me?” he chirped. “Before you two continue your neanderthalic posturing, lemme ask you a few questions.” He looked between the mare and stallion, waiting for some signal of acknowledgement. Slowly, the pair nodded for him to speak. “One: why are you two here?”

“To find my son and take him home.”

“To find my daughter and take her home.”

“Two: who was the last pony to see them?”

“You,” Canterlet and Mountague chorused. They blinked in unison. “What did you do with them?!”

Purple grinned. “Nothing,” he replied. “And while I was doing nothing to them, they told me about a rather irritating feud between their families that prevented them from getting the ‘Happily Ever After’ they want.” He gave each parent a look of skepticism. “Now tell me… what’s stopping me from leaving you two under some conveniently unsound trees and going on my merry way?” The two parents stared wide-eyed at the purple earth pony.

“Nothing,” Purple Patches said grimly, answering his own question. “So, you two have a choice. Either continue bickering about whose offspring is better, or follow me to where Roam and Jewel are hiding.” He stepped back and released the two ponies from his threads, pulling them back into his body.

Mountague and Canterlet shared a momentary look before shifting their respective gazes to Purple Patches.

“Lead the way,” Canterlet said stiffly. “Once all this is behind us, we’ll be having proper words with the Princesses.”

Purple Patches grinned. “I’m sure.”

* * *

“You live in a cave?” Mountague asked skeptically. Light from his horn cast dancing shadows that lined the stone walls as they walked.

“When one is hiding from a Princess, one can’t be too picky about where one sleeps,” Purple Patches retorted.

“So you are a convict,” Canterlet hummed, eyeing the purple earth pony cautiously. “How’d you escape?”

“Quite easily actually,” Purple replied. “I was also helped by the fact that they sort of let me go.”

“Why in the name of the Princesses would they let you go?!” Mountague squawked. Purple Patches shrugged.

“Good behaviour?” he said. “Lack of resources? Perhaps the fact that I was innocent of my crimes?”

“What crime?” Canterlet probed.

“Having fun,” Purple Patches answered.

“...Really.”

“Aye.”

“I find that rather hard to believe,” Mountague commented blandly, stepping carefully over a fissure in the ground.

Purple Patches shrugged again. “Believe what you will,” he said. “Princess Twilight was getting paranoid about me and decided a restraining collar would be the best way to keep me in check.”

Mountague frowned. “But, that type of band only works on magic users,” he said.

“Go figure,” Patches sighed. “The Illustrious Princess of Friendship believes I have out of control magical abilities that need restraining.”

“I know next to nothing about magic and even I’m questioning Princess Twilight’s thinking,” Canterlet muttered.

“Indeed,” Purple Patches agreed. He stopped walking and turned to face the two ponies. “Welp, this is where we part.” He jerked a hoof over his shoulder at a ledge jutting out into the open air, illuminated just barely by Mountague’s horn light. “Go this way, and peep past the broken staircase. Some awfully fine treasure’s just sitting there all alone.” He chuckled softly. “It’ll change your life.”

The two parents blinked at the purple earth pony.

“Did you just call our children ‘treasure’?” Canterlet asked. Purple Patches grinned widely, once more showing far too much teeth for the smile to be pleasant.

“What one pony sees as worthless, another pony sees as priceless,” Purple Patches said, stepping aside for the pair to reach the ledge.

Mountague and Canterlet shared a look, then shrugged, stepping past the purple and green earth pony to peer over the edge. Darkness greeted the duo as Mountague’s horn light fought to illuminate what lay below.

“I can’t see anything,” Mountague said.

“Oh, you’ll see something,” Purple Patches crooned. “Just… Keep… LOOKING!”

Mountague and Canterlet barely had the time to turn around when Purple Patches shoved the two ponies over the edge and into the dark abyss below. Silence fell in the cavern. Then a loud crunch echoed up the walls of the pit.

Purple Patches grinned.

“I’ll stick you in my prayers,” he called out to the abyss. “A fine Dark Soul to you.”

There was no response.

Purple Heart sighed contentedly. “Now to address the succession of Roam and Jewel to the head of the combined families of Mountague and Canterlet.” With that, he turned and started back the way he’d come, his threads stretched out like feelers to guide him out of the pit and back to the cave he’d left Roam and Jewel in.

Chapter 10: Because It’s Plain To See~ That Evil Inside~ Is On The Rise

“So,” Twilight began, resting her hooves on the table in front of her, “did you make any friends like I suggested?” Across the table, Purple Heart blinked slowly at her. He rolled his neck, looking off at an empty corner of the room and scratched at the collar around his neck with a hoof. Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes.

“I’m not taking that collar off until you can control yourself,” she reminded, her tone filled with exasperation. Purple Heart’s head jerked as he glared at her, face twisting into a scowl. It took no small amount of effort to keep herself from flinching under the colt’s gaze.

“I made two friends,” the purple colt ground out. “Roam Mountague and Jewel Canterlet.”

Twilight blinked and smiled happily. “Good!” she congratulated cheerily. “That’s excellent progress! I was hoping for more than just two, but you have to start somewhere!”

She looked down at her notes, ignoring the grinding of teeth from the other side of the table. “Tell me about them,” she ordered, looking up at Purple Heart.

The purple colt’s jaw twitched and he scratched at the collar again. “Canterlet is a very independent mare with a strong sense of self awareness and a great deal of pride,” he said stiffly. “She’s also very loud and demanding.” He paused. “And she wears the pants in the relationship.”

Twilight’s eyebrows rose. “You got over Amber already?” she asked skeptically.

Again, Purple Heart’s jaw twitched and his eyes narrowed. “I’m not going to deign that question with a response,” he growled. “Canterlet likes Mountague. Who, I might add, is an intelligent colt with a penchant for hiding behind his marefriend.”

Twilight hummed, jotting down some notes. Without looking up from her papers, she asked, “You aren’t good enough friends with them to use their given names yet?”

“Yes, I murdered their parents for them by shoving them into a pit,” Purple Heart snarled under his breath.

“Pardon?” Twilight asked, looking up inquisitively at the colt.

“No, I’m not good enough friends yet,” Purple Heart responded clearly.

Twilight clicked her tongue and wrote down a few more notations.

“Any more pink in here and she’ll be making me write lines in my own blood,” Purple Heart muttered softly.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

* * *

Twilight Sparkle and Wits End sat at opposite ends of the table. They remained silent; not because they had nothing to say, but rather the silence was a dare for the other to start first. The Princess of Friendship filled her part of the silence by making notes, her horn glowing faintly as her magic moved the quill. The mint-colored stallion, on the other hoof, filled his time by tapping the tabletop rhythmically, and doing his best to ignore the hastily constructed circlet that sat on his head.

“So,” Twilight said slowly. “Let’s talk about what happened over the last few days.”

“Sure,” Wits replied. The two of them were silent again, interrupted only by the ticking of a clock elsewhere. “Some weather we’ve had, huh?”

Twilight scowled. “Wits…”

“It’s a joke, Twilight.” Wits kept his tone just as flat as the alicorn’s. “I do that sometimes.”

With a sigh, Twilight continued. “How’s your magic training going?”

Wits leaned back in his chair, scratching at the base of the circlet afixed to his head. “My magic study,” he said, emphasising his correction, “is going just fine. Worked my way up to 5th year magical theory last night.”

Twilight smiled; an act that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “That’s good to hear.”

“Would love to practice it someday.”

“We’ve been over this-”

“I know, I know.” Wits leaned back further in his chair, pushing it back on two legs. “Have they found that Underdog fellow yet?”

The quill stopped scratching. “No.”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually. That seems to be how most villains-of-the-week work in this world, right?”

“...Probably.”

“What about that artifact? The helmet thing. Anything interesting turn up-”

“Wits.” Twilight cut through the unicorn’s small-talk. “Let’s keep the focus on you for now, alright? Should be pretty easy, yeah?”

The corner of Wits’ mouth twitched. “Sure. Let’s talk more about magical theory then.”

* * *

Twilight levitated another stack of books off the table. “I’m happy to see that you’ve decided to grace my castle with your presence again. But, do I want to know why you’re going through unicorn magic books?” She asked, looking at Light Patch who was idly flipping through some books.

“Figured I’d look into some time travel spells. There was an event back on my home world I’d love to see; an ‘Irrational Malicious Act of Cruelty That Could Barely Be Called A Sports Game’ as I’ve heard it,” Light described, casually tossing the book aside and selecting another.

“Ah huh.” Twilight frowned, unsure how to reply. “So... why would you think I’d have time travel spells in my public library?” she asked, unable to stop herself.

“Well, there was that one episode with the Time Loop. And you’re the princess of magic now. And I thought this was your private library, not the public one,” he replied with a shrug, his eyes never leaving the book he was scanning through.

“Right… Light Patch, there’s a couple of things I was hoping we could talk about,” Twilight said, trying to hold her frustration in.

“Yeah, sure, go ahead. I’ll reply...” He sort of trailed off like he had more to say but simply lacked reason to say it.

“I was sort of hoping you could tell me more about when you tried to help the farmers deal with the bandits?” Twilight asked.

“That was a disaster and a half,” he half heartedly said. Twilight furrowed, raising an eyebrow at his reply.

“So you are ready to talk about it?” She replied earnestly.

“What's left to say? It went poorly and I got the tar and stuffing beat out of me.”

“Okay, but what did you do to try to help them?”

“Nothing successful, that’s for sure,” Light Patch scoffed, closing the book and sweeping it off the table as he turned to select more from the shelves. Twilight frowned at the pegasus’ evasiveness over the topic.

“Will you tell me why you tried to help them then?” she asked, looking intently at the stallion.

“Because of my greatest strength and my greatest weakness,” Light Patch said, turning to look at Twilight from the ladder he was on. “I cared.”

* * *

A few minutes of silence passed. Twilight looked over her notes and went about ruminating on what to do with the errant colt across from her. Purple Heart settled for materializing some threads near the ceiling, articulating them into a myriad of shapes. He started simple. A circle became rigid to form a triangle. The triangle broke only to gain a fourth side to become a rhombus. The rhombus peeled apart and shifted into a trapezoid which flattened into a rectangle. Then it became complicated.

A circle grew around the rectangle as said rectangle split to become a hexagon. Six smaller circles popped into existence along with four lines that now intersected each other at the hexagon’s center and spread out to four points. The circles settled halfway along each line. More strings spiralled around…

Twilight looked up from her notes to see the purple earth pony starting at the ceiling.

“What are you looking at?”

“Hmm… Hmm-hmmmm...”

The purple alicorn squinted and raised her voice. “Purple Heart!”

Purple Heart’s head jerked down, looking away from his construct on the ceiling. “Hmm… Oh? Pardon me. I was absorbed in thought.”

Twilight frowned, glancing up at the ceiling. Purple Heart followed her gaze to see the threads frozen in place. His eyes flicked down to Twilight’s face, watching for a reaction. The princess pursed her lips and looked at him again.

“A blank ceiling must be more interesting than talking to me,” she said sarcastically.

“It is if you aren’t talking,” Purple Heart bit back, pulling the threads back into his body. Twilight gave an exasperated sigh and put down her pen, focusing her attention on the purple colt.

“How has your magic been treating you?” she asked.

“...Wat?” Purple Heart looked around in confusion. “My magic?”

“Yes, your magic,” Twilight repeated. “Have you had any trouble controlling your magic?”

“Uhhh… Define ‘trouble’.”

“Has it been going off unexpectedly, not doing what you want it to, misbehaving in any way?” she listed off.

“...No?”

“Hmm.” Twilight tapped her mouth with a hoof. “I may have to get you a new collar.”

Purple Heart’s eyes widened. “WHAT?!” he roared, slamming his hooves on the table. “WHY?!”

“Please calm down, Purple Heart, it’s nothing bad,” Twilight soothed, hooves raised in front of her.

“NOTHING BAD?!” the irate colt boomed, rocking Twilight back in her seat. “YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A NEW COLLAR?! WHY?!”

“Well, it seems that the one you have on now isn’t functioning properly,” Twilight explained.

“How, praytell, is this blasted hunk of metal supposed to function then?!” Purple Heart snarled.

“It’s supposed to limit the amount of magic you expel so that you can focus on quality of quantity in your spells,” the Princess of Friendship explained, falling into Lecture Mode™. “When a young unicorn is using too much magic in their spells, they’re fitted with a Restraining Ring to prevent useless waste of magic. It helps train them to use a smaller amount of magic for their spells.”

Purple Heart stared at the alicorn in shocked silence. Twilight blinked at him several times, wondering if her words got through to him.

“Do I look like a unicorn?!” he hissed.

“No, but-”

“THEN WHY YOKE ME WITH THIS THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!”

“Not all magic is made only by unicorns,” Twilight reprimanded, a cross expression on her face. “Pegasi and Earth Ponies both have a brand of magic specific to them. The thing is, this is the first time an earth pony has been found that can use telekinesis. You are a magically scientific marvel that must be studied further.”

Twilight smiled gently at Purple Heart, proud of her argument. Her smile shrunk tooth by tooth when she saw the furious look in the purple colt’s green eyes.

* * *

“What I’m saying,” Twilight said, “is that you need to stop trying to get out of the restraining circlets I build for you.”

“And what I’m saying,” Wits replied, “is that I’m not trying to get out of them. All I want is to be able to use magic when my life is on the line. Like when the Underdog was threatening the town, and not one of you six showed up to stop him.”

“We were on the way! Rainbow Dash was two minutes away, coming from Cloudsdale as fast as she could! Rarity was in town, making sure that the ponies who’d escaped the marketplace were safe!”

“And who was already there, Twilight?” Wits slammed his forehoof on the table, rattling the now forgotten quill. “When ponies are in danger, you don’t just sit and wait for the heroes to show up. When you can do the things that I can but you don’t and bad things happen, then they happen because of you.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “You’re making a reference, aren’t you?”

“I’m paraphrasing. It’s not the same thing.” Wits leaned away from the table, holding his forehooves out to either side in an extended shrug. “I was there, ready to save the day—which I did, by the way, and not in the ‘knock a thief through twenty brick walls’ way this time—and the only thing in my way with this thing-” he tapped the side of the circlet “-that you decided I needed to keep my powers under check.”

“It was to keep you from brainwashing people, Wits,” Twilight growled. “You agreed that you needed it.”

“And did I during that fight?” Wits waited a beat for Twilight to respond. “Did I brainwash anypony, Twilight? Did I brainwash anypony when the first magic incontinence band you slapped on me broke?” He waited for another beat. “Did I, Twilight?”

Twilight sighed. “No.” Wits held his forehoof up in a universal ‘there you go’ motion. “But,” Twilight continued, “you were responsible for several thousand bits worth of property damage. Twice.”

“Second one wasn’t my fault. That was the Underdog and his magical helmet malarky.”

“Which you instigated.” Now it was Twilight’s turn to put her hooves on the table. “You wanna know what turned up when we were investigating the Underdog? When we checked with the rest of the Diamond Dogs? Your magic stole one of their magical artifacts when you were training with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The Diamond Dog calling himself the Underdog was harmless until you gave him a reason to attack the surface. He was a villain, yes,” she pointed a forehoof at Wits End, “but he was one that you created.”

Wits paused. “And one that I took care of,” he said eventually. “That sounds like a complete story arc to me.” He shifted, leaning his elbow against the table. “By the way; I wouldn’t have had that initial magic problem with the CMC if you hadn’t pawned me off on them at the first opportunity. So as long as we’re blaming each other for damages caused, tag you’re it.”

“I’m not blaming you for- Hrrrmm…” Twilight’s response devolved into grumbling as she realized how far off base the former conversation had gone. “Let’s just bring this back on topic. The circlets-”

“Are dumb,” Wits cut in. “And pointless. We’ve proven that I don’t need them.”

“You need restraint.”

“I need practice.” He jabbed a forehoof at the power limiter on his head. “I’m not learning how to control my magic with this thing on. It’s like trying to prepare for a marathon without leaving your bed, Twilight. Unless I start putting all of that magical theory into practice, then all this is doing is giving you a reason to...”

Twilight waited for Wits to finish his sentence. “A reason to what, Wits?”

Wits’ eyes had drifted down to the tabletop, his eyebrows furrowed. “A reason to be afraid of me, Twilight.”

The two ponies sat back in their respective seats. The silence made the space between them feel so much further than the table ever could.

* * *

“Light,” Twilight said after she’d finished reviewing her notes. Her magic automatically cleared the books from the table. “Could you please sit down? There were a couple of other things I’d like to talk about.”

“Like how you’ve been interviewing us like we’re criminals or some kind of contained aliens?” Light Patch gave a small bark of amusement as he popped into existence across the table from Twilight. “I guess we are aliens though, aren’t we? You do seem to have us contained and under watch. I hope you don’t go all Doctor Vahlen on us.” He gave a fake shudder and sat down.

“Doctor Valhen?” Twilight asked curiously. She immediately shook her head, forcing herself to focus. “Never mind that. Since you don’t seem keen on talking about the farm thing, how about when you were helping Spike in the library.”

“I tried to help and it didn’t go very well. I was talked into trying something I wasn’t ready to do,” Light Patch recounted idly, one hoof supporting his head as he watched his other trace the whorls of the wood grain of the table.

Sensing he wasn’t going to elaborate further, Twilight changed tracks. “Okay, how about that morning with Applejack and Carrot Top.”

“What’s to say? They worked it out on their own,” Light Patch replied with a half hearted shrug, adjusting a couple of the stacks of books within his reach. “Mind if I try a question… or two?” Light Patch asked, finally looking at Twilight for the first time since she’d entered the library.

“Sure,” she replied, eyes narrowing.

“Why are you interrogating us? What's got you so worked up about us that you can’t just talk to us straight?” He asked. His eyes darted back to the table once his question was done.

“Because you’re all acting weird. Your new powers; where did they come from? Nothing seems like it’s adding up. Like how you suddenly don’t care that I’m not leaving you alone.”

* * *

Twilight shifted uncomfortably in her seat, trying not to break eye contact with Purple Heart. The colt in question was standing now, his hooves on the table as he stared at the alicorn princess. Twilight opened her mouth to speak but Purple Heart beat her to the punch. He plopped back in his seat and looked at the ceiling again.

“‘A magically scientific marvel that must be studied’,” he echoed softly. He let out a derisive snort. “Last time I heard something like that was from Canterlot High’s Twilight when she was under an illusion made by the Hydra.” He shook his head, lips twisted in a grimace. “Pretty sure this ain’t an illusion.” Twilight frowned.

“This isn’t-” Her mouth closed against her will.

“You don’t get to talk right now,” Purple Heart snarled. Twilight’s wide-eyed gaze was fixed on the purple earth pony now.

“Ever since I got here, you’ve been trying to keep me reined in,” he continued. “You set me up with friendship lessons, you put a limiter collar on me, you ordered me to make friends.” Patches of green spread out across his body, covering any cobalt blue colored hide.

“After all I’ve gone through recently, one would think you’d be more understanding,” Purple Heart seethed. “I was yanked from my own world to ‘play’ in Discord’s game. I was pulled out again by a creature Discord made to be a boss for you and the rest of the Mane Six. And now I’m here, in Equestria proper, being subjected to your less than tender care because I can do something that hasn’t ever been seen before. An earth pony with ‘telekinesis’.” He raised his hooves to frame the last word. Then he fell silent for a moment, staring at nothing while Twilight tried to free her mouth by pawing at it with her hooves. But to no avail. She started casting spells at her face, trying to open her lips somehow. Her shifting brough Purple Heart’s attention back to her and she slowly went still under his poisonous green gaze.

“A Princess should know better,” he accused. “Being controlled is not my idea of fun. Not by Discord, not by the Hydra, and most certainly not by you.”

Twilight tried to get out of her seat. She wanted to deny all the things that Purple Heart was saying and promise that the collar wasn’t needed any longer. But her mouth was still sealed and she couldn’t get out of her chair. She closed her eyes, praying that what she was about to do would work.

A dim shroud of magic covered her horn as she slowly powered up a spell. She knew he was responsible for whatever was keeping her trapped in her seat. All she needed to do was scare him into releasing her. She briefly considered the fact that casting a spell at him would bring about negative progress in this situation, but she had to make a bluff. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Purple Heart.

As her magic grew in brightness from a dull candlelight to a blazing corona, Purple Heart blinked, noticing the harsh shadow he cast against the wall. He turned to face Twilight and promptly balked. The blazing disc of magic above her head looked anything but hospitable. He saw the raw panic flash across Twilight’s face at being found out. Surprisingly, she didn’t cast the spell. Purple Heart’s mouth hardened into a grim line and he looked down at the table.

* * *

“Why don’t I care about being left alone?” Light Patch parroted the question back.

“Yes! I thought I’d have to work hard to get you to talk with me, but you seem to just accept that it’s happening. Sort of, anyway,” she grumbled as he carried a couple of books back to the shelf and seemed to study the other volumes the shelf it held on offer.

“I did what I said I’d do and got myself a little me time, and during that, I did some thinking, enough to figure something out.” The stallion was paging through a book on uncommon teleportation methods.

“And wha-”

“I was collecting my thoughts. I wanted to make sure I didn’t trip over my own words. As I said, I figured something out. Well, decided anyway.” He slipped another book into place as he paused in speech again. “Every time my friends and I got caught up in something, we just tried to help, even as we got blamed for stuff out of our control. And despite that, it would all blow up in our faces at the end anyway.” He slipped a third book home on the shelf. “I’ve decided to change my place in the narrative structure of the moment in Time and Space I’ve found myself in.” Twilight stared at Light Patch, blinking owlishly for a few moments before fixing her expression to minor annoyance.

“Did you use a thesaurus just to phrase all of that?” She was still trying to figure her way around what he’d said.

“No, I just enjoy writing, philosophy, and space,” he replied, looking at a book on origami.

“So, you’re what, going to be evil now?” She asked, charging her horn.

“You’ve gone a little too far in the other direction. I’ve decided to just be a spectator this time, to watch from the sidelines. I’ll not care about this, not any more or less than when I’m watching a book or reading a movie.” He looked up from the book on origami, a puzzled look on his face. “No, wait. Reverse those last two.”

Twilight sighed as she rubbed a hoof on her head.

“Well, I guess if you need a little bit of time to relax before you join in, I understand.” Twilight sighed as the tension left her body. “Anyway, I’ve got your inhibit-” She froze as Light Patch locked eyes with her, an unusually serious expression on his face.

“No, Twilight. I think you’ve misread my intentions. Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear enough: I’m sitting this out. I’m just a spectator in this little adventure,” Light Patch reaffirmed. The relaxed nature of his tone of voice was gone, leaving just an emotionally even monotone.

“I’m sitting this adventure out. You and your friends can deal with my friends. I’m gonna be one of the unwashed masses and watch from the side lines. Go see some sights, maybe have tea with the princesses. Maybe I’ll even go and figure out my own way of getting home.”

Light Patch paused with a thoughtful hum at his last thought. “Well, in any case, for this little adventure, I’m just going to be a viewer, waiting to be entertained.” He started to gather up the books he’d picked out into a single stack.

* * *

Silence hung around Twilight and Wits like a shroud. Neither one had spoken for what felt like an hour, and unlike their previous silence, this one was full of everything they wished they could say outright.

Finally, Wits broke the silence. “So, what’s the plan now?”

Twilight waited for a moment before responding. “I don’t know.”

“I mean, the possibilities are really limitless.” Wits leaned a hoof against the arm of his chair. “Banishment to the moon, transformation into a statue. You could go with just freakin’ exploding; that’d be a pretty cool way to go.”

“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked.

Wits looked sidelong at her. “How you’re gonna get rid of the three of us, of course. What else?”

“Wits-”

“I can put two and two together, Twilight. It’s been days since you found us, and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Purple Heart or Patchy. No-pony’s talking about them when I’m around, which means either they’ve been exceptionally well behaved,” he scoffed at the thought, “or they’re in it as bad as I am, if not worse. Something’s happening, and it’s not good, so you’re trying to keep Equestria safe.” Wits raised an eyebrow. “Am I wrong?”

Twilight fell silent again. “I’m trying to keep you guys safe too.”

“And I appreciate that. I really do. But you’re a princess first and a reluctant adventurer in a mad god’s game second.” Wits leaned back in his seat. “So, do we get shipped off to Tartarus? If we’re getting sequential rooms, I’d prefer a corner-”

“Why are you so set on being treated like a villain?” Twilight asked, cutting through Wits’ speech. “Why aren’t you defending yourself anymore?”

“Why not? Twilight, you and the rest of the girls have been waiting for one of us to turn Ponyville into a reenactment of Megaton post-Tenpenny Tower. Either we get better or we don’t, and if you’re putting these,” Wits tapped the restraining circlet on his head, “on those other two, then none of us are getting better.”

Twilight felt a wave of disappointment wash over her, which quickly turned to anger. “So you’re just giving up on the possibility of getting over whatever’s happening, then?”

“I’m calling it like I’m seeing it,” Wits said flatly. “I’m the other strategist, remember? It’s my job to see what’s coming, not to make your job easier.”

“Why not try for once?” Twilight shot back. “If you’re so smart, why not think up some way to make things a little easier for once?”

“By doing what?” Wits’ voice raised to match the alicorn’s. “By picking myself up by the seat of my pants and flying to the moon myself? Save you the trouble?” He growled. “Or do you mean make it easier for you to get rid of us without feeling sorry for us?”

“You could try doing something other than being self-serving!” Twilight snarled. “This whole time, all you’ve done is deflect the blame for what you’ve done and blamed me for holding you back. I told you to try being a normal pony for a while, and all you did was spend the day looking for trouble to throw yourself at!” She stood, pushing her chair out of the way as she stepped around the table. “You’re not trying to get better. You’re just trying to be a hero without going through the boring part of your backstory.”

Wits shoved his chair back, knocking it onto its back legs as he walked towards Twilight. “I did my backstory already! Now I’m trying to get back to where I was in the story when Discord’s game ended!”

“You weren’t anywhere before Discord’s game!” Twilight’s words seemed to echo in the room, but she wasn’t finished there. “You’re not some legendary hero who got summoned to another world to right all of its wrongs, Wits. You’re just some guy who got chosen at random by the literal personification of chaos. You got lucky, and now you’re desperately trying to hold on to that little bit of specialness so you don’t have to go back to being normal!”

“And what if I am?!” Wits shouted back. “I certainly don’t have my normal life to go back to! Even if you found a way to send me back to Earth, all I’d do is try to find a way back, or spend the rest of my life wondering if I had an elaborate coma dream. There is no going back to normal for me, Twilight. So if I’m not a hero and I’m not a normal pony, what else is there for me?”

“And now you’re back to this! If you’re so obsessed with seeing yourself as the villain, maybe you should go be one.” The two ponies were inches away from each other, glaring into each other's eyes. “That would make it easier for me!”

The corners of Wits’ mouth twitched. “Maybe I should! If everypony’s gonna treat me like a villain, and I’m sooooo obsessed with being one, it’s not like it’d change anything if I actually was one, right? So maybe I will!”

Twilight and Wits were butting heads now. “Fine then!” Twilight growled.

“Fine!” The circlet on Wits’ head sparked, the intense emotions from its creator and its wearer shorting it out for a split second. In that moment, a pair of magical hands formed, pulling the band of metal apart in a shower of sparks. Twilight pulled back, forming a shield to protect her from attacks, both magical and mental.

* * *

“I see,” he drawled. “So that’s how it is, huh?” He lifted his eyes back to meet Twilight’s.

And he grinned.

“Well then,” he chortled, a manic gleam in his eyes, “let’s see how you like dancing to someone’s tune.” Purple Heart’s strings flashed and the collar shattered. With a roll of his neck, he sighed with relief, grinning widely at Twilight. “And another thing...”

* * *

“Do you really plan to just sit on the sidelines while something is going on with your friends?” Twilight pleaded.

“Yes. Like I said; they’re your problem. I have full faith you’ll be able to deal with it. I just don’t want it to be my problem. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some light,” Light Patch smiled at his joke, “reading to do. And I can only imagine it’s going to be all kinds of noisy here before too long so... TTFN.” He gave a wave of his wing before he seemed to remember something, “Oh right, I also meant to tell you...”

* * *

Wits, however, only turned away. He stalked to the door, pulling it open with one of the hands. As he stood in the doorframe, he paused. “Heh. Never thought I’d be using this one like this.” He cricked his neck, still facing away from the mare. “You know, all I wanted to do is be the hero. But to you?” He looked over his shoulder, a grin on his face. “I’m the bad guy.”

He was one hoof out the door when he stopped and turned back to Twilight. “Hey. Guess what...”

* * *

Twilight shuddered as all three voices layered over each other in her memories in the exact... same... way...

‘Looks like it's our house now.’

She walked into the map room, having used a multitude of spells to check for any sign of the colts in the castle. After everything turned up with the colts being absent, she finally gave up and staggered, exhausted emotionally and physically, towards her chair by the map. She poured herself into the seat and looked at the map. Seeing the three colts’ Cutie Marks caused her to groan in frustration and cover her face in her hooves.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d sat there, face against the table and wildy swapping between tears, cries of frustration, and general panic. But, she slowly became aware of something hugging her head. Twilight shifted slightly, recognizing the scratchy nature of scales on her coat.

“Spike?” she croaked out.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to get you to calm down. I got back a bit ago and found you like this... screaming. So I thought I’d try something I read about in a book on calming ponies down.”

Twilight realized she could just make out the sound of a beating of a heart. She took a couple of deep breaths and wiped the remaining tears from her face. “Did it work?” She asked, trying a little joke.

“I dunknow, you tell me,” he replied with a small smile. “What happened?”

“Everything.” Twilight replied, trying to get her breath back to a steady pace. “Something really bad. I think all three of the stallions… Well, at least two of them went… I.” She froze and groaned slightly. “I don’t know. I wanna say evil, but...” Spike shifted to sit on the edge of the map, now that Twilight was sitting upright in her chair.

“You think they followed Mane-iac into the war?” Spike offered helpfully. Twilight gave a small laugh.

“Yes, thank you, Spike… I’m sure one of them would have had some cheesy reference they could have made, no problem.” Twilight rubbed her forehead. “And now I don’t know what to do.”

“Might I recommend the usual? Gather your friends and hash out a plan between all of you,” Spike suggested. “And you seem to have something of an advantage in this.” Spike pointed at the map. “I think it’s still tracking them. I watched their Cutie Marks move for a while... Not sure it’s following Light correctly, though. His cutie mark has been popping wildly everywhere.”

Twilight looked up and saw that Spike was right; the three stallion’s cutie marks were moving. She blinked and suddenly the oddly familiar pattern of Light Patch’s was in Ponyville again. “Great.”

Chapter 11: Great Googly Moogly~!

The locals of Ponyville scrambled to get out of Purple Heart’s path as the large earth pony stalked through the town square. His glowering face was reason enough to clear the way and his general disposition compounded that with the desire to flee home. Purple Heart himself was blind to the fear and discomfort of the ponies as he walked towards the edge of Ponyville.

“How dare she!” Purple Heart snarled. “How dare she think of me as nothing more than a lab rat, an experiment to poke and prod!” A furious growl rumbled in his chest, sending nearby ponies backing away cautiously. The angered earth pony cast a glare over his shoulder. Over the top of Ponyville’s modest skyline, he could just make out the spires of Twilight’s Castle.

“Damn you, Twilight,” he swore under his breath. “I am not a toy. I am not something to contain or control.”

He turned sharply and huffed, striding down the street again.

Only to double back down a side alley leading back to the castle.

“If she sees me coming back, I’m gonna be in a carpload of trouble,” he muttered, “and suitably embarrassed to boot. Particularly after that rant.”

He paused by the large doors, peering up at the entrance to the castle with a frown on his face.

“Now… How to get inside without causing a fuss...” he mused. One of the doors creaked and started opening. Eyes widening with surprise and no small amount of anxiety, Purple Heart’s strings burst from his body and latched onto the walls of the castle. Just as the door swung completely open, Purple Heart was stuck to the wall above, looking down at the top of Wits End’s head. The small unicorn looked left and right, then trotted away toward the marketplace.

“Hmm,” Purple Heart hummed. “Wonder if he got into a spat with Twilight as well...” His rumination was interrupted by the slow swing of the door in his peripheral vision. His strings lengthened and he slid down the castle front and squeezed through the door. Once he was inside, he fell to the floor. The door closed with a majestic click and Purple Heart was once again inside Twilight’s castle.

“This is a terrible idea,” he grunted as he picked a corridor at random and set off through the castle. “Walking back in here after saying what I said. No, not even walking, SNEAKING for carp’s sake! What the hell am I thinking?! Twilight probably summoned Celestia and Luna immediately after I left and are already drawing up plans to wipe us from the face of… Equestria. Yeh, that works.”

He turned a corner and immediately backpedalled. With manic energy, he scaled the wall and anchored himself to the ceiling again. Trying not to breathe too loudly, he stared down at Sunset Shimmer walking slowly beneath him. The mare had a frown set into her face as she walked the empty corridor. She paused and looked out a window. Purple Heart wasted no time scrambling along the rafters deeper into the castle, not trusting the mare to not look up at him.

“I either need to find a really good hiding spot or frack off across Equestria,” the purple stallion muttered as he swung on green threads. “I don’t even know what I want to do. I got my freedom, but that only lasts until I get caught.” His swinging paused when he took a moment to glance down. He blinked. Below him stretched a labyrinth of bookshelves that filled several rooms. Purple Heart lowered himself to the floor with thick lines of corded threads and stepped over to a table of books that Twilight had clearly been using earlier. He raised one of the books and blinked at the title.

“Setting Limits For Your Out of Control Foal,” Purple Heart hummed. “Interesting. Wonder if she ever planned on using that on Discord.” The purple earth pony balked.

“Waaaaaaait… I could get him back for all the crap I’ve been through.” Purple Heart’s lips twisted as he frowned. “Hmm… Get revenge or hide from Twilight. Revenge… Hide… Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge, Hide, Revenge- I think Revenge will be a good start.” He looked around at the vast collection of reading material and smiled.

“Lessee… Where to start...”

Threads exploded out of his back and scattered throughout the library. Within seconds, a line of books and scrolls were dancing past Purple Heart’s nose as his eyes skimmed title after title.

“What to do, what to do,” he whispered. “Challenge him to a duel? Nah, too Bismark… A battle of wits? Nope, not Sicilian enough. Make friends and then backstab him? Too Roman. Crown him king and then stab him? Still too Roman...” He paused in his pondering. The line of books and scrolls hesitated, waiting to move forward.

“How about-” He looked at the books about him, “-impose my rule on a small town and make them worship me as a god, then spread my religion’s influence to all of Equestria?” The books and scrolls just hung there, floating mutely on his strings. Purple Heart shook his head. “Eh, no. Not even gonna let that thought finish.” The line movement resumed and the purple stallion went silent as he continued to run plots through his head. Then he froze. All the reading material his threads were holding tumbled to the floor with a crash.

“A frame up.” Purple Heart tossed his hooves in the air. “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?! Why do something when you can manipulate others from the shadows to do it for you?! I’ll be a regular old Palpatine!” He blinked. “But how? I don’t even know if there’s a senate to hoodwink.” He gave a heavy sigh and looked down at his hooves. His brow furrowed and he brushed a few books around to reveal a small booklet.

Purple Heart let out a low whistle and grinned. “This may be just what I need.” He picked up the booklet with a string and brought it up to his face.

‘MacHawk’.

“I think I can work something out with this,” he decided. “I’m sure those two lover ponies can help me… They certainly owe me a favor...” Threads shot to the ceiling and dragged him up. Within seconds, the books and scrolls returned to the shelves. Several seconds more and a window opened and shut. A minute after Purple Heart’s realization, Spike dashed into the library and looked around. The small dragon narrowed his eyes and he scanned the bookshelves skeptically. After a moment of mute searching, he shook his head and turned to leave.

“Could’ve sworn I heard something fall,” he muttered under his breath.

* * *

“Well.” Wits End stood, staring back at Twilight’s castle through narrowed eyes. “That could’ve gone better.” The unicorn found himself at quite a crossroads.

A metaphorical crossroads, that is. Physically, he found himself back at the marketplace yet again, looking up at the crystal castle that dominated Ponyville’s skyline. He had stalked straight out of Twilight’s front door, and hadn’t stopped until the throngs of Ponykind had forced him to stop; both physically and mentally. Now that his initial anger had been given time to peter out, he was left in the uncomfortable place of asking himself the all-important question.

Wits sighed heavily. “Now what do I do?”

He briefly considered going back to Twilight and apologizing, but quickly banished the thought from his mind. “Going back right away would negate everything I said to her,” he muttered to himself. “Whether one or both of us was right or wrong, I’m not about to crawl back and beg for forgiveness for having an opinion.

“What else is there, then?” he continued, beginning to pace about the market. “Flee into the Everfree Forest, to live as a hermit for the rest of my days apart from the rest of society?” He paused, a look of quiet contemplation crossing his face, then resumed his slow trot. “No, that hardly seems like the rational response. Hermitage seems like it’d be terrible for my complexion.”

After a moment of thought, Wits’ commentary began again. “Turn to a life of crime? Now there’s a thought. Living as a wanderer, sleeping in the most opulent mansion my powers can get me into, taking whatever I please with a simple-” he turned to the closest stall-owner, tendrils of silvery magic quickly connecting them, “-that’s mine now.”

The merchant blinked. “Uh… Yep, it sure is.” He passed over the loaf of bread he had been carefully adding to an arrangement.

“Thanks.” Wits took the loaf with one hoof and raised it to his mouth, but paused at the last moment. “No… That’s no fun at all. There’s no excitement of stealing something if the other guy just gives it up.” He tossed the loaf back to the merchant. “That’s yours again.”

The merchant blinked again. “...Thanks?”

“Fuggedaboutit.” Wits resumed his pacing. “So, removing myself from society is out, and so is living life as a social parasite. What else is there? Heroism?” He scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure Twilight would love that. Let’s give the Princess of Freudian Psychology more ammunition after calling me out for not being a ‘real hero’.” He made air-quotes both with his forehooves and sighed.

“Excuse me.” A pegasus trotting by came to a stop next to the mint-colored stallion. “Are you monologuin’?”

“What? No.” Wits shook his head. “I’m not monologuing. I’m pondering.”

The pegasus nodded. “Alright, just checkin’. Seems like only villains monologue these days. Just like’m to ruin a perfectly good pastime, eh?”

Wits nodded vaguely as the pegasus set about his way again. “Yeah, just like a villain.” He frowned. “Aw geez, am I really the bad guy? Am I gonna have to pull a Syndrome and call out some hero for getting me monologuing now? I mean, I get it; that’s what I told Twilight I was gonna do, but… Hmm.” He scratched his chin with a forehoof. “Now, that’s an idea…”

The unicorn’s train of thought was derailed by a hole forming in the cobblestone in front of him. “Behold!” a familiar voice echoed, followed swiftly by a familiar creature appearing from the hole. “Tremble in fear, the Underdog is here! Did you truly think you saw the last of-” The Diamond Dog was cut off by a giant magical hand wrapping around his entire body from the neck down. “Hrk.”

“Alright, listen.” Wits pulled the Underdog out of the hole, holding him so that they were eye to eye. “I’ve had a bad day already. The last thing I need is some two-bit villain-of-the-week trying to achieve Goldfish Poop Gang status. So, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fling you so far that Luna inducts you into the Equestrian Space Program.”

The Underdog forced a snarl onto his face. “Fool! If you think you can get rid of me that easily, I’ll just come back again even more powerful than-”

“Right. Say hello to Voyager 1 for me. If it’s V’ger by this point, you have my condolences.”

“W-wait!” The Underdog struggled against the hand’s grip futility. “The artifact! I’ll give you the artifact!”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “The helmet thing you were trying to blast me with? That’s with Twilight.”

“The pony princess put it in an underground vault for safe keeping!”

Wits blinked. “I worry about the nature of security measures in this world. Do you have it with you?” The Diamond Dog nodded vigorously, and Wits tilted the magic hand so that the first was palm-down. “I’m going to give you a chance to drop it on the ground. If you try anything other than that, you’ll be an unsightly crater on the moon. Got it?” Another energetic nod. Wits relaxed his grip slightly.

A moment later, the helmet dropped to the ground. Wits tightened his magical grasp once again as he picked up the artifact, turning it over in his hooves. “And you’re sure this is the actual dark magic macguffin and not just a children’s headpiece, right?”

“Of course!” the Underdog replied

“How do I make it work?”

“Hah! The nature of its mechanisms are too arcane for a feeble-minded-”

“Hoofston, we have a go for liftoff. Tee-minus ten, nine-”

The Underdog balked. “There’s a trigger button under your left hoof,” he said quickly.

Wits turned the artifact to get a better look. “Here? And you point the convex side at what you want to not exist anymore, right?” He got a nod from this captive. “Right. Let’s give this a try.”

The Diamond Dog swallowed. “Not on the Underdog, I hope.”

“What? Don’t be silly!” Wits patted him on the cheek. “You’ve been almost nothing but helpful! I owe you a bit of that good old benefit of the doubt.” He turned, taking aim over the rim of the artifact.

A thin beam of dark magic fired from the helmet, arcing over the buildings and residents of Ponyville, and striking a point on Twilight’s crystal castle. Wits tilted his head, watching pieces of crystal vaporize in a gout of dark flame. “Huh. Better aim than I expected.”

“What was that?” the Underdog asked.

“Just a bit of pettiness. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“Oh.” The Underdog cleared his throat. “So… Are we friends now?”

Wits blinked. “What?”

“Well, you surfacelings seem to become best friends after just a little bonding, so I thought-”

Wits sighed heavily, cutting off the rest of his captive’s words. “Are you really supposed to be a villain or what? What is with you, man? Come on!”

The Underdog snarled. “Hey, you were my first time! I wasn’t expecting you to be so inconsiderate in the aftermath!”

“Phrasing! How do you make a capture scene awkward? I- Urggggh.” Wits turned away, grumbling to himself for a minute. He sighed. “No, you know what? I’m sorry. I get it. There’s no book on how to be a villain. You get points for trying your best, at least.”

“...Thanks?”

“Shhh. This is not a conversation.”

“Then what is it?”

Wits rolled his eyes, flipping the Diamond Dog onto his back. “Well it was going to be a monologue, but you’ve ruined the mood for that pretty well. I was gonna talk about how new villains like you probably have a hard time, and that ponies really need to respect how hard it is to put together an evil plan, but now that speech would go completely against the mood of the scene!”

With some effort, the Underdog shifted so that he could see Wits again. “Wait, I thought monologuing was a villain thing.”

“Yeah, welcome to the point. Congratulations, you sly dog. You got me monologuing.” Wits motioned with a forehoof, summoning another hand to grab a length of rope, and the two hands worked together to hog-tie the Underdog; complete with a nice little bow. “I’m done throwing you into the horizon, by the way. This time, I’m gonna follow Twilight’s advice.”

“Which was?” The Underdog’s question was followed by another piece of rope being stuffed into his mouth.

Wits turned away and began walking. “Letting her deal with the problem. Tootles!” He waved over his shoulder with one hoof.

The magical hands lifted the captured Diamond Dog, and flung him through the air to land. He sailed through the new hole in Twilight’s castle with a noisy crash.

Wits End made his way through the assorted stunned ponies who had gathered to watch. “Excuse me! Pardon me! Supervillain leaving the scene of the crime here! Make way, make way!” He paused, looking at the hesitant ponies around him. “I don’t think you heard me right, so let me try that another way.”

Dark magic tore a path through the sky, piercing several layers of clouds. Wits held the smoking helmet up with one spectral hand, standing on a raised piece of the street. “Ponies!” Wits bellowed, “prepare for your imminent demise!” The gathered townsfolk took off in all directions; some screaming, some gasping, but all running.

Wits grinned, magical hand dropping the helmet back into his waiting hoof. “Now all of Equestria knows I’m coming.” He started walking down the now empty street, tucking the helmet into an abandoned saddlebag and slinging it over his back. “Good.”

I’m sure Twilight’ll put two and two together, he thought, finding a part of Ponyville that wasn’t panicked and joining the flow of traffic. She’ll think I’ve gone full villain. All I have to do is cause enough trouble for her to come after me personally, then I’ll let her beat me and ‘reform’ me. I’ll go through the whole story arc in a single season, if that. I might not be able to be a main hero, but by the end of this I’ll be one of the recurring support characters at the very least. Operation Speedrun is underway. He paused, spotting an azure mare moving away from the crowd. “Hey, hold up one sec!”

The mare stopped, turning as Wits drew closer. She peered at him from under her ornate pointed hat. “What could you possibly want from the Great and Powerful- Wait.” Trixie raised the brim of her hat to inspect Wits’ face. “Aren’t you the colt who destroyed my wagon?”

Wits coughed awkwardly. “Yeah, that was me. I could give some excuse for it, but that was ‘100%, Grade A, Double Fine Proof My Bad’. Sorry.”

“It’s… fine, I suppose. Trixie has already gotten her apology,” the unicorn mare hefted a sack of bits in one hoof, “and her compensation from Twilight and her friends. So, I suppose we are even.” Trixie grinned, setting her hat at a suitably dramatic angle. “So, what can the Great and Powerful, and also Reformed and Generous, Trixie do for you?”

“Oh, Trixie.” Wits grinned back, wisps of white magic forming around the two of them. “I’m so glad you asked. What do you know about teleportation?”

* * *

Light Patch yawned as Twilight pulled his floating form through Ponyville, a sight that, while strange, was not nearly strange enough for the ponies of Ponyville to do more than cast a questioning glance towards the pegasus turned balloon before returning to their business. “I do hope this doesn’t play into the stereotype that pegasi are airheads,” Light Patch idly muttered.

“I’m sure this won’t do anything too bad,” Twilight replied. “The worst it might do is make ponies think you’re Discord in pony form. If you’re really that concerned, you could walk.” Light Patch just gave a half shrug and rolled over as if he was laying on his back. Twilight grunted in frustration and continued to drag him back to her castle.

Navigating the pegasus through the town was easy. Getting him into the castle was a bit more difficult, but her magic kept it from being as bad as it could have been. She sighed when she’d finally maneuvered the pegasus into the Map Room. Pinkie was currently walking along the circular wall of the Map's base, occasionally tapping a hoof on it, considering the sound, then continuing around again.

“So, what’cha want me back here for?” Light Patch asked as he studied the map he was floating above. “I hope this isn’t an attempt to make me change my ‘Spectator’ stance again.”

“Actually, there was something I was hoping I could convince you to help Pinkie with.”

“I assume it’s got something to do with the fact that my other two friends seem to have struck it on their own as well.” He pointed at the two wayward cutie marks. His hoof wavered as the map flickered, changing the position of the three cutie marks. “Huh, it tracks us.”

“Yes, but I get the feeling the tree hadn’t meant for the map to be able to track moving...” Twilight trailed off as her mind whirled, trying to find a word that she hoped wouldn’t insult them. “Ponies of interest.” she started to say before the stallion cut her off.

“Pains in your flank?” Spike deadpanned as he walked in, holding a plate of sandwiches. Light Patch snorted and leaned forward to snag some of the food.

“She didn’t use those exact words to describe us, did she?” the stallion whispered to Spike.

“I’m not old enough to repeat the exact wording,” Spike whispered back a grin on his face, prompting a smile from Light Patch who gave Spike a quick hoof bump for the food.

“Thanks for the food, Spike, but weren’t you going to hang out with the Cutie Mark Crusaders today?” Twilight asked, flicking her eyes from Spike towards the door.

“You’re not trying to get rid of him, are you?” Light Patch asked, looking innocently at Twilight. “I mean, I told you I’m a neutral observer. He's no more with me here than he would be anywhere I’m not.” Light Patch finished off the sandwich he’d taken and then made a hurt look. “We’re all friends here. the worst I might do is pants you in public.”

“What’er pants?” Spike muttered around his sandwich, mentally adding something else to the list of things he was gonna have to look up or ask about.

“We don’t wear pants,” Twilight deadpanned her reply.

“Well, I guess you’re all safe then,” Light Patch said with a shrug, leaning back to watch the map. He ignored Twilight and Spike talking in the background as he watched the map slowly, almost painfully, update the position of the cutie mark’s it was showing. “You know... you may need to restart this thing. You’ve got some serious lag.”

Twilight looked away from Spike. “I brought you here because I was hoping you could maybe improve the map. As you can see, it’s slow to update. I was never able to figure out what magic powers it, and I was too worried about breaking it to try to mess with it.”

“Okay. Then why me?”

“Because, Patchy, you’re like me,” Pinkie said, suddenly right in the pegasus’s face, holding onto him despite currently hanging upside down from him. Light Patch shook her off and quickly shot away from her, tangling himself in the tree roots and memory crystals above the map.

“How long have you been in here?!”

“Since the third draft,” Pinkie said, lying on the map, “and I want to help you figure out your powers by helping me figure out how to help the map.”

“Ah... Well, the idea of stretching and testing my powers sounds lovely, but what makes you think you and I can change how it works?”

“Because I almost did!” Pinkie flipped over onto her stomach. “Well, kinda. I made their Cutie Marks go all-” she wiggled her hooves vaguely, “but it didn’t stick. Between the two of us, maybe we can make the-” she wiggled again, “permanent! Even Twilight thinks it could work!”

“Could work,” Twilight emphasized. “Only because Pinkie’s… abilities don’t conform to any known rules of magic. If you two have the same power, then I don’t even think Discord would know what’s possible.”

“That is high praise from you, Twilight,” Light Patch said, having finally untangled himself from the roots and settled down on the surface of the map. He very subtly tried reaching out with his powers towards the map, trying to ignore the grin Pinkie shot at him the moment he’d started and stayed focused on Twilight. “I would like to get a better handle on these powers to enjoy them while they last.” He felt his powers touch and interact with the map and his face twitched as he felt something. “But, I’ve told you I’m just a third party here. I won’t help or hinder anyone.” He drew his power back.

This got a groan from Twilight. “Seriously? You’re still going on about that? You do understand that the two only other pon- people from your world are out there, right? Chances are, they’re both making their villainous, and probably dumb, plans as we speak. If we just leave them out there, then they’ll either cause some damage, or worse, get themselves in more trouble than I can protect them from.”

Spike frowned in concern. “Do you really think they’d do anything… bad?”

“Purple Heart was furious when he left,” Twilight sighed. “Whatever he does, it’s sure to break something important. As for Wits… I’m more concerned with him setting up something he can’t control. Like starting a rebellion.” She turned her attention back to Light Patch. “Now, what’s it gonna take to get you to drop this whole neutrality shtick and help save your—and my—friends?”

“Absolutely nothing, because I’m not dropping my shtick, it’s mine and I’m taking it with me. Besides, why should I help? It wouldn’t matter if we helped you save the world or not, we’d just get the blame for it again. Just like Just Duty, Bael, and Holdfast were our fault,” Light Patch said, running a hoof through his hair that came out with a pocket watch. “Just like the Hydra was our fault and just like whatever drew us here will probably be our ‘fault’ too.” He waved his hooves in an attempt to do air quotes.

“I told you,” Spike said with a slight sense of smug satisfaction, “you and the rest of the girls really should apologise to them for that.”

“Besides, Twilight, you’re a smart mare. I’m sure you can handle… hoofle?” Light Patch trailed off and looked towards Pinkie for help but got a shrug in return. “I’m sure you can deal with whatever Purple and Wits are up to. And, I’m sure Pinkie can figure out the map upgrades on her own.”

Twilight dragged a hoof over her face. “Oh, for the love of Celestia… This isn’t about ‘dealing’ with Purple Heart and Wits End! This is, and always has been, about trying to get the three of you back to your world! I can’t do that if two-thirds of you aren’t here!” She let out her breath in a huff as she walked around the table. “At this point, I’m starting to think Wits isn’t the only one who thinks he needs to stay in this world.”

“I don’t think I have to stay in this world, but it’s starting to feel like we’re not allowed to be in our world any more. After the first adventure, we got sent home. Only to blunder into a funhouse mirror of your world and after that we get pulled straight to Equestria. We didn't pass ‘Go’ and we didn’t collect our two hundred bits,” Light Patch said, dropping the sandwich he’d been about to eat back on the plate and shoving it away. “After everything, I don’t wanna be here anymore than you seem to want us here. But it looks like the universes have other plans, so I figure just this once, I’ll let you take care of things. It’s your specialty. Which is good, because I just don’t care this time.”

Twilight gave a short shout of frustration before glaring at Light Patch.

“Well too bad! Because I’m asking you to care! You say you want to go home! If you help, I can get you back sooner! I can focus on that once I’ve got all three of you here and dealt with what’s making you all act so weird!”

“As nice as it would be to get home a little sooner, what can you do to promise me that we would get home? We didn’t get to go back after the last adventure, we just wound up here,” he retorted.

“I promise, I just need you to help me get your friends back,” Twilight requested through gritted teeth. “Help your friends, like you always used to.”

“Help my friends?” Light Patch echoed angrily, turning to look at Twilight and Spike. “You want me to help my friends.”

“Hey, calm down,” Spike said, scooting in front of Twilight. “We’re all friends here, right?” He opened his mouth to continue, but he was cut off by Light Patch suddenly jumping onto the top of the map.

“You want me to help my friends?” he sneered. “Fine. I'll help them.” He reached out and shoved his hoof into Pinkie’s mane, ignoring her surprised cry.

“I’m borrowing this,” he said, pulling out an antique pocket watch. He flicked it open to check it was working. Then he lifted a hoof and slammed it down on the map table’s surface. Sparks shot from the table and the rendering of Equestria flickered. The markers of his and his two friend’s cutie marks spasmed wildily for a second, then the whole thing went dark.

“Wha... what did you do!” Twilight shouted, rushing to the blank table.

“I did what you suggested,” Light said. “I helped my friends.” He looked blankly and Twilight’s dumbstruck expression. Then he blinked. When his eyes opened he was somewhere else. The grey pegasus smiled and pulled the pocket watch out from behind his back. He flicked the watch open and there sat a significantly smaller view of the map with the markers still tracking himself and his friends with a much faster update rate. “And I may have helped myself a little too. Let’s go see who's up to what.”

Chapter 12: It’s Villainy 101

The view from Canterlot Castle was incredible, even at night. Or, in Princess Luna’s opinion, especially at night. The land below lit up in constellations of cities and towns, stretching out to the horizon in a reflection of the stars above. From her balcony, Luna felt as if she should see all of Equestria lit by the light of the moon she raised.

It had been difficult for some time, even after she was freed from Nightmare Moon’s influence, for Luna to see the beauty in the stillness that blanketed the land at night. She wanted to share what she saw with the ponies of Equestria, but finally she was content with having it to herself. Even still, she saw a few flickers of movement through the night, as they went about their nocturnal business.

Luna sighed contentedly. The night life was good.

The hair on the back of her neck stood at attention. Luna turned to see a cloud of blue magic forming in the middle of her room, swirling and billowing as if from some intangible wind. Once the cloud was large enough, a small, mint-colored unicorn stepped through, and the cloud collapsed back into nothingness.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Quite an entrance.”

“Thanks.” Wits End brushed a bit of cloudstuff from his shoulder. “I would’ve taken the reference further, but it’s surprisingly hard to find a big golden gauntlet and some glowing gemstones at this time of night. Plus, I’m not the purple one.” He glanced around, noting the distinct lack of guards. “You seem remarkably unconcerned by me being here.”

“While our sister has been kept apprised of thou and thine companions by way of Princess Twilight,” Luna said slowly as she stepped down from the balcony, “we have been watching more… closely. And directly.”

“Let me guess.” Wits thought for a moment. “Magic? No, spies. No! A hat, fake mustache, and a big trenchcoat!”

Luna stared at the unicorn. “Magic, obviously.”

“I know. It was a joke. I do that sometimes, princess.”

“As we are aware.” Luna turned away, looking back out into the night sky.

“So,” Wits trotted over to stand next to the Alicorn, “how up to date are you?”

“We have seen thy battle against the Diamond Dog known as the Underdog.”

Thin wisps of silvery magic drifted from the unicorn’s horn, snaking their way around Luna’s hooves. “Well, good to see someone was watching.”

A burst of magic from the princess’ horn dispelled the wisps. “As well as the aftermath with Twilight,” Luna finished, a subtle smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “Thou will find that thy magic is most ineffective here.”

Wits retracted his magic, keeping an implacable smile of his own on his face. “Well, I gave it a shot. What happens now? Do we fight?”

“That seems unnecessary.”

“Because you’d kick my flank, right?” Luna’s smile was all the answer Wits needed. “So did you pick up this enigmatic air of mystery thing from watching Celestia or something?”

“Somewhat,” Luna answered. “Watching her has been quite a valuable learning experience.” She turned towards Wits End. “However, we are certain that thou hast come with more pressing questions than these.” She gestured to a small table set with a pair of chairs. “Shall we?”

Wits blinked. “Wait, so I still get to do what I came here to do?”

“We do not see any reason not to,” Luna said, taking a seat at the table.

After a moment, Wits took the other seat. “This is turning into a very strange villain scene.”

Luna raised an eyebrow as she poured tea into a cup. “Is that what thou believest this to be?”

“I mean, it is for me at least.”

“And thou truly see thyself as a villain?”

“I’m sorry, but could we get to the part where I ask you questions instead?”

“Of course. Just one last question.”

Wits sighed, slumping onto the table. “Go ahead.”

Luna smiled, gesturing to the two cups of tea before her. “Cream and sugar?”

Wits hesitated. “Earl Grey?”

“Darjeeling, actually.”

“...Do you have honey?”

“Of course.”

“Honey then. And cream.”

After a moment of preparation, Luna slid the teacup across the table. “So,” she said, watching the unicorn blow on the steaming surface of his drink, “what wouldst thou with to ask of us?”

Wits took his first sip, and gave a contented sigh. “It’s about villaining.”

“Go on, then.”

“…How do I do it?”

Luna blinked. “Are… are you asking me how to be a villain?” she asked, dropping the Royal Canterlot Voice in her surprise.

“I mean,” Wits gestured towards Luna with his teacup, “you gotta start with the original, right? You were the first villain Twilight and her friends ever fought.” And the first one to be reformed, he thought. If I’m lucky, she’ll give me a model to follow.

“Twas Nightmare Moon who Twilight and her friends defeated,” Luna corrected. “We were… a vessel.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Moon parasite, extenuating circumstances, Tantabus episode, yadda yadda yip yorp.“ Wits sipped his tea. “But Nightmare Moon was the villain that set the bar, and you have to have some idea of how she operated. I want to know how she thought; what her plans were, what her motivation was, stuff like that.”

Luna thought for a moment. “So that thou can… what, exactly? Walk in her hoofprints? Or avoid her mistakes?”

“Yousa mighten be sayin’ that. This is all… information gathering so far.” With a shrug, Wits ran a hooftip around the rim of his cup. Easy now, Wits. Let her think you’re on the fence so she’ll sympathize with you later. “I have my idea of how to be a villain, but I have some… concerns about how that would mesh with pony sensibilities.”

“Art the villains of your world that much more different than our own?”

“Ohhhhh, you have no idea. The worst part is when they get elected.” He sipped his tea. “But I digress. What was Nightmare Moon’s ultimate goal?”

Luna frowned, but did her part by casting her mind back to the dark years she spent with Nightmare Moon in control of her. “Simply put, conquest. Nightmare Moon wanted an eternal night across all of Equestria. This surely would have extended to the entire world once Equestria was under her hoof.”

Wits nodded. “World conquest. A good, old-fashioned one-tag. Always a classic. And then?”

“And then what?”

“And then what was she going to do?” Wits drained the last of his tea, setting the cup back on the table. “If she had control over the entire world, what would she do? Funny hats for all of the ponies? Destroy Sunday and replace it with Funday? Outlaw all spontaneous acts of singing?”

Luna hesitated for a moment. “We… I am not sure she had any plans beyond conquest. She likely would have ruled cruelly until she grew bored with her subjects, and then destroyed them and waited for the next civilization to conquer.”

“Well that’s bloody boring.” Wits leaned back in his seat, a frown set on his face. “All that work to achieve ultimate power, and then she Scar’s her kingdom into oblivion? Seems like a waste to me.”

“Nightmare Moon was a parasite, as you said,” Luna spat. “Planning was not her strength.” Luna’s next words were stopped when the sounds of a saxophone started to drift through the room. Matched to the crescendo of the saxophone, suddenly Light Patch appeared in the room holding a microphone.

“I’m never gonna dance again, guilty hooves have got no rhythm,” the invader sang, opening his eyes to look right at Wits End. “Though it’s easy to pre- Why are you here?” He said, glaring at Wits End.

“Me?” Wits pointed a forehoof at the grey pegasus. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t Twilight have you under maximum security at this point or something?”

“I was gonna sedu- visit Best Princess, seeing as Twilight won’t leave me to my whole dreaded neutral thing I’m trying,” Light Patch replied. “Now, I believe I asked first.” He took a seat at the table and grabbed as much food as he could scavenge from the table.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Seduce, thou sayst?”

“Don’t encourage him,” Wits said quickly, saving their teacups from Light Patch’s grabbing hooves. “I’m doing research on past villains. Gotta make sure I’m doing this right.” He paused. “Wait. How the frack did you even get in here?”

“You entered this place with ease,” Luna said.

“Yeah, but I had some great and powerful help. Stop trying to steal the doily!”

“I promised Johnson I’d find him more doilies,” Light Patch protested, trying to grab it again. “Also, apparently I can ‘port now, kinda like Pinkie Pie.”

Wits, having no free hooves with which to face-hoof, elected to gently tap his forehead against the table. “This is getting out of hand,” he muttered. “Now there are two of them.” He raised his head, shooting a glare at the pegasus. “Well, ‘port your way outta here. This is something the captain’s gotta do for himself.” He passed one cup to Luna, and motioned towards Light Patch. “Shoo.”

“Alright, alright I’ll go. I can tell when I’m not wanted,” Light Patch gave a quick bow towards Luna and turned to leave.

Wits sighed. “Right... Now that we’re free of that distraction-”

“Ah, I’d almost forgotten one more thing,” the pegasus said, walking back to stand by Wits End. “I got a little favor to ask of you and your fancy unicorn horn.”

“Oh boy, here we go…” Wits took a long sip from his teacup to replenish his mental strength. “Yes?”

Light Patch pulled a stack of parchment out and pushed them into Wits’ hooves. “Have a look at those notes of mine and see if it makes sense to you as well. In return, I’d be happy to help you in some way. ‘Specially tracking, I have a good watch on some ponies movements.”

“Notes on-” Wits flipped through the papers. “What the heck is a trans-dimensional- Hooves off the doily, you criminal scum!”

Light Patch backed away from the table. “Just some thoughts on a way for us to get home, but I don’t know unicorn magic.” He tapped his flat featureless forehead. “Just a little extra-curricular stuff I was- Oh my gosh look it’s the oldest trick in the book!” he finished, pointing to the other side of the table.

Wits glared at the pegasus. “If you think I’m going to look away, you’ve got another thing-” He trailed off. “Luna, what are you doing?”

“He said there was an elder jape in this direction,” Luna replied, looking in the direction Light Patch was pointed. “We wish to observe this.”

“...Luna, he’s trying to distract us so he can bloop away. Looking away is exactly what he wants us to do and he’s already gone isn’t he.” Wits looked back to find the space where Light Patch had been mysteriously empty, along with a distinct lack of doilies. “You knew that was gonna happen, didn’t you?”

“We have not had many opportunities to engage in such frivolities,” Luna said with a smirk. “Thous hast very odd friends.”

“Yes. Yes I do.” Wits sighed. “Look, I’m gonna be honest. This whole thing played out very different in my head. Are there any, like, sudden plot twists I should know of?”

“Just one,” Lune said with a smile.

“Great. Let’s get it out of the way then.”

“As thou wish.” Luna reached across the table, and gently placed her forehoof against Wits’ snout. “Boop.”

* * *

Wits awoke with a start. “Hwat jus’ happen’d?” He slurred, eyes slowly focusing on the inside of the wagon he laid in.

“Finally,” Trixie scoffed, “you’re awake.” She stretched, and set her hat back on her head. “You asked me to teleport you into Princess Luna’s tower, and then passed out. A bit sudden and rude, if you ask me.”

Wits blinked. “Well that just raises more questions.”

“You want me to teleport you now?”

“No. Well, yes, but not to Luna’s tower. She already answered my questions.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Don’t question it. Let’s move on to the next item.” Wits ran a magical hand through his mane to straighten it as he stood.

“Trixie must admit, she has never seen a pony so dedicated to researching how to be a villain.” Trixie thought for a moment. “But… why go through all this trouble? Why not simply be a villain by doing evil?”

Because doing that might get me in more trouble than I can BS my way out of, Wits thought. “I’ll explain another time. On to the next one, if you please.”

“Not that I have any problem with helping you out,” Trixie said, a flash of silvery magic glinting in her eyes for a moment, “But I don’t really think I can send you to Discord that easily. His place is a little… weird. A lot weird. Almost entirely weird, really.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Wits said with a smirk. “I have some neutral ground in mind.”

* * *

Wits stepped out of the teleportation cloud, taking in the circle of stones he had appeared in. With a grin, he trotted over to a decrepit-looking sign leaned against one of the larger of the rocks. In thick, bold letters, the sign read ‘Discord’s Playground’; with the words ‘Closed for business, please touch nothing’ scrawled hastily underneath. “I know I said I wasn’t taking the reference any further,” Wits said, slowly turning away from the sign. “But this? This does put a smile on my face.” With that, he kicked out with a back-hoof, sending the sign skittering to the ground.

A moment later, lightning struck the ground in front of the unicorn. When the light cleared, it revealed a familiar Draconequus with a hammer in one claw and a perturbed look on his face. “How did I know you were going to be the one to find this place first?” Discord sighed.

“What, you don’t wanna know how I found this place again?” Wits asked with a grin.

“Honestly? No. No I do not.” Discord tossed the hammer over his shoulder. “What I do want to know is what you want here. You know you can’t get back to the game world from this place, right?” He held his paw out, catching the returning hammer without a glance. “I sealed it off after you three sent that Hydra back.”

“Good to know. No, I’m not here to relive the glory days. I’m here to get some answers.”

Discord’s furry eyebrows raised. “An interview? Well, that is a surprise.” He snapped his claws, and the two of them were suddenly seated opposite each other in comfortable tan chairs. “And what were you hoping to ask me, Witsie Rose?”

Wits tapped the pad of paper that had appeared in front of him with an equally recently added pen. “Talk to me about being a villain.”

“Oh ho ho! Is that what we’re talking about today? Well then, this won’t do at all!” Discord snapped his claws again, casting aside the interview setting in favor of a croquet mallet and a basketball. “If we’re going to discuss my little reign of chaos, we’ll need to set the proper mood!”

Wits stared at the t-ball bat that had formed in front of him. “With… sporting equipment?”

“With a bit of chaos, of course!” Discord leaned in, eyebrows a-waggling. “You know the rules of Calvinball, don’t you?”

Wits blinked. With a sigh, he summoned a pair of magical hands to pick up the bat. “Alright, we’ll multi-task then.” He lunged forward, batting the basketball out of Discord’s paw. “Flyman’s ball!”

“Ooh, well played!” Discord watched as the ball bounced off of one of the standing stones, and started walking to where it landed. “So, you decided I’d be a better mentor than ol’ Woona, huh? I must say, I am quite flattered.”

“Look, I’m not entirely certain that actually happened at this point,” Wits replied. “And it’s less of a mentorship and more of a professional reference. I wanna make sure I’m not overreaching with my evil schemes.”

“Good thing to check.” Discord pulled a large glass orb from behind his back and placed it in contact with the basketball. “After all, when I overreached, the princesses turned me into a statue.” He placed his hoof on the orb and wacked it with his mallet, the force sending the basketball sailing away. “Better go stop that before it reaches the piranhas.”

“There’s piranhas?” Wits held up a forehoof. “Never mind. Of course there’s piranhas.” He picked up one of the nearby stones with a magical hand, and flung it away. It landed with a thud in front of the rolling ball, which ramped off of it and over the moat filled with water and ravenous fish. “So suddenly changing the nature of reality is out if I want to get more than one act of villainy out per millenia. Good to know.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’d just need to make it a really, really good one! For example, ‘accidentally’ spilling some Plunderseeds while facing down your imminent demise.” He hesitated and coughed. “Allegedly, of course. I’m reformed now, after all. What’d you have in mind, anyway?”

The two of them arrived at where the ball had rolled to a stop. Wits held out his summoned hand for the mallet. “I’m not sure yet,” he said, lining up his shot between two rolling hula hoops. “That’s why I’m talking to you. I’m trying to get into the mindset of a villain appropriate for ponies.” He tapped the ball, which slowly rolled into the path of the hoops.

As they watched, the hoops both collided with the ball, tumbling and knocking over a pile of empty soda cans. Discord hissed through his tooth. “Bad luck, that,” he winced. “That’s oogie to boogie, my favor. As for the mindset, I think you’re thinking a bit too much about it. Just go out and have some fun! As long as you don’t cause any real damage, I’m sure the girls will give you a second chance. And a third. And probably a fourth before they start planning your spot in the Royal Garden.”

“I’m banking on it. Hurry up and take your shot, would you?”

“Hey, I’m not throwing away my shot.” Discord gave the basketball a mighty kick, sending it straight up into the air. “As I was saying, you should be doing villain stuff for the fun of it! After all, if you don’t love your job, you won’t give it your 120%.”

“I hate this particular mangling of a phrase, but it’s the destination I’m interested in, not the journey.” Wits stuck out his hoof, catching the ball before it hit the ground.

“The Melonguardi maneuver!” Discord whistled. “Impressive. What was that little tidbit about the destination?”

“Hey, you haven’t exactly been helpful in answering my questions. Don’t expect me to answer yours quite yet.”

Discord held up a placating claw. “Far be it for me to impose on an act of chaos in the making! By all means, keep me in the dark! It’ll be so much more fun to watch this way, after all.”

“I aim to please.” Wits tossed the ball into the air and caught it in his magical hand. “But what about evil schemes? I feel like a good villain should have something they're working towards, right?”

Discord shrugged. “What I was working towards was having fun. I’d say that means I completed my evil schemes every time.”

Wits tisked, tossing the ball back to Discord. “You know,” he said, dismissing the magical hands around him, “I know that I should’ve expected this, but somehow I’m still disappointed.”

Discord caught the ball in one claw and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I do so hate to be a disappointment to ponies trying to steal my gig.” He flung the ball over one shoulder, where it landed in a fiery explosion. “So what, praytell, is so disappointing about lil old me?”

“Oh come on! How about everything? I mean, mostly everything. I thought I was just gonna have to deal with you having gone soft.” Wits poked the Draconequus in the stomach, eliciting the sound of a dog’s squeaky toy in response. “But turns out your great and magnificent plans? They stop at ‘shenanigans ensue’.”

“What’s wrong with shenanigans?” Discord asked, an offended tone in his voice.

“Nothing’s wrong with shenanigans! When they’re in service of something, that is.” Wits sighed. “Shenanigans for the sake of shenaniganry? For the sheer shenaniganosity of it? Just to increase the level of… shenaniganitude in the world?”

“Any more crimes against the Equestrian language you’d like to commit there?”

“It’s just boring!” Wits exclaimed. “You go out, you conquer the world, and then you’re defeated. That’s the problem. Your plan starts with the goal of losing.” He paused. Focus, the unicorn thought. Your goal is to lose. Just not as bad as Discord has in the past.

Discord winced. “Right in the feelings, Witty. Right in them.” He clutched at his heart for a moment before leaning over the unicorn. “Look, I get it! You’re a little guy with big plans. I get that. I appreciate that. You’re gonna do great things out there, kid, but you’ve gotta drop this ‘greater meaning’ thing! Just go out there and have some fun!”

“I’m not here for fun,” Wits replied. “I mean, not exclusively. Fun is a pleasant side-effect right now. I have a goal in mind, and you, good sir, have not helped me one bit in finding how to achieve it.”

“Well, I certainly hope not!” Discord chuckled. “I’m reformed, remember? I don’t engage in villainous acts of chaos anymore. I just… encourage them from others now. And I’m very much looking forward to seeing what kind of chaos you and your little friends can cause.” He paused for a moment. “Before Twilight and her friends find you and make you listen to reason again, of course. I’m not a total monster.”

“Funny, I’m banking on that too,” Wits deadpanned. He summoned a magic hand and snapped its fingers. As if on cue, the blue cloud of energy formed behind him, swirling lazily.

Discord ran a finger through the cloud, and stuck the resulting ball of cloudstuff in his mouth. “Ooh, ominously delicious! So, where’re you going now?”

“To find some villains with actual plans.” After one step towards the portal, Wits paused. “Hey, as long as we’re here, lemme ask you something completely unrelated.”

“Lay it on me, oh short one.”

“You had a playbook for the adventure, right? Tomb of Horses?”

Discord’s eyebrows narrowed. “And how did you find out about that, exactly?”

“My counterpart and I found a copy in the candy-colored human’s universe. Where’s the original?”

After a moment of hesitation, Discord answered. “I was going to run the rest of the adventure someday, but right now that world’s a little… well, it’s more chaotic than even I want to deal with right now. I gave the book to Twilight for safe-keeping. Why?”

Wits shrugged. “I was curious how it was supposed to end. Get a little peek into a possible future, you know? Ah well.” The unicorn was halfway through the portal before he stopped again, turning back so his head was poking out of the cloud. “You know,” he said, “I’d be careful if I were you.”

“And why’s that?” Discord asked.

“I might not be the only one looking for a conversation.” Wits began sinking into the cloud with a smirk on his face. “Friendly or otherwise.”

The cloud shrank into nothing, leaving Discord alone. “Figures,” he huffed. “He was all mysterious and spooky, and then left me to do the clean-up.” The Draconequus snapped his fingers, clearing the field of his creations. “And he stole my gimmick to boot. Such ingratitude!”

Chapter 13: A Little Treason

Purple Heart stopped walking as yet another pony threw open yet another door in his path as he walked down the street. Face twitching with barely contained irritation, he inhaled deeply in a mighty attempt to not send the offender flying. The pony shut the door and jerked in surprise at seeing the large purple stallion next to them.

“OH! I’m sorry! I didn’t see you there!” the brightly colored mare squeaked.

“Obviously,” Purple Heart drawled.

The mare winced and gave a shaky smile. Music wafted to the pair on the breeze and she turned to look down the street, her worry of Purple Heart vanishing.

“Oooh! I’m not too late!” The mare breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Purple Heart again. “Sorry, Mister!” She slung her bag over her shoulder and dashed down the street, breaking out into song as she ran. “Good morning, Baltimaaaare~!”

Purple Heart twitched, watching countless ponies singing their way through the streets. The large earth pony rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead with a forehoof.

“This was a mistake,” he growled, turning away from the singing ponies. “This was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake.” He groaned, rubbing at his face again. “I should’ve gone to Manehattan. That’s where the actors I need are.”

“Excuse me.” Purple Heart looked up and nearly choked on air. “I couldn’t help but overhear you, but did you say you were looking for actors? What kind?”

The purple and green earth pony could only give a weak nod as he stared at a large purple and blue earth pony in front of him. The blue earth pony frowned.

“Are you okay?” he asked. The green earth pony shook himself and nodded again.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, “it’s just you look remarkably familiar.” The blue earth pony chuckled.

“First time I’ve heard that,” he said. He held out a hoof. “My name is Purple Heart.”

The green earth pony grinned weakly and tapped his hoof against Purple Heart’s. “Me- Ah. Mine is Purple… Patches. Purple Patches”

Purple cocked an eyebrow at Batches. “Unusual coincidence of names, eh?” Purple Patches swallowed and let out a weak chuckle.

“Eeyup,” Patches affirmed softly. “Parents saw the purple and thought simplicity was best.”

Purple Heart snorted and nodded. “Same here. Though… we both seem to bear a striking resemblance to one another.”

Purple Patches looked at himself and then back at the colt before him. “I have to admit we do,” he agreed. “Save for color, we could be twins.” He smiled at Purple Heart.

“Why not address each other by surnames?” Purple Heart suggested. “I’ll call you Patches and you call me Heart.”

“Well, that makes things a little less confusing,” Patches commented. He blinked. “Oh! Your question! Yes, I am looking for actors. I was going to find a location to set up auditions for a play I’m producing.”

Heart arched an eyebrow. “What play?” he asked.

“MacHawk by Testament Shudderstick.”

Heart snorted. “You came to Baltimare to audition ponies for a Shudderstick play? I can’t help but think you aren’t from around here.”

Patches grinned ruefully. “My friend, you have no idea,” he said.

Heart grinned. “Well, Baltimare is home to more musical types than drama actors.” The purple and blue colt waved a hoof down the street at the still singing ponies. “I’m sure you can guess why.”

Patches gave a self-deprecating snort. “In all fairness, this is the first play I’ve produced,” he conceded. He squinted contemplatively at Heart. “From you nigh derisive tone regarding the denizens of Baltimare, I presume you’re a drama actor?”

Heart’s lips twisted in a smirk. “Maybe.”

“What say you reach out to some fellow actors and get the word out that I’m looking to audition some ponies?” Patches suggested.

Heart arched an eyebrow and shrugged. “I could be persuaded,” he allowed.

A grin stretched across Patches’ face. “What do you have in mind?”

Heart was silent for a moment as he mulled over his thoughts. “Hold the auditions in Vanhoover,” he said, his face serious. “Manehattan is great and all for stage productions, but I think this could be better suited for helping up and coming actors wanting to make a name for themselves.” He shrugged. “Besides, I’ve done the play before.”

Patches hummed to himself, considering the demand. After a moment of reflection, he nodded. “You got it,” he declared.

Heart grinned. “Fantastic!” He stepped past Patches and wrapped a hoof around the green colt’s shoulder, leading him back to the train station. “You know, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.” Patches returned the smile and nodded.

“Indeed.”

* * *

“What do you mean you already have a director in mind?” Heart asked as he and Patches stepped off the train into Seabiscuit-Tacoltma Central Station. Patches narrowed his eyes, casting a look over his shoulder at the purple earth pony.

“Exactly what I meant,” he replied. “I already know who I want to direct MacHawk.”

“Fantastic,” Heart drawled. “Who?”

“Discord.”

Heart stared at the green and purple earth pony, a look of dumbstruck surprise on his face. “...Wat?!” he squawked. “Discord?! As in ‘Tried to Take Over Equestria Multiple Times’ Discord?! That Discord?!”

Patches rolled his eyes as they swept through the doors and out into the city of Seabiscuit. “No,” he replied. “I meant the ‘Wet Rag That Folds Every Time Fluttershy Smiles’ Discord.”

Heart frowned. “Are we talking about the same Discord?”

“Yes.”

“Okay… Who’s Fluttershy?”

Patches gave a gusty sigh and rolled his head back to look at the overcast sky. “Why do I have the dumb one?” he muttered.

“What’d you say?”

“Nothing.”

“More like something, if I do say so myself,” Discord said, cheerfully popping into existence behind the colts. Both Purple Heart and Purple Patches bolted away from the draconequus, clinging to each other as they breathed rapidly.

“Holy carp! Where’d you come from?!” Heart gasped out.

Discord spun a long string of pink colored tubing around a claw. “Oh, I was just listening in to anypony that might be talking about me,” he mused, stifling a yawn. “These Extendable Ears are really something. I’ll have to tip the Twins.” He threw the tube over a shoulder and approached the clingy colts. “Now, what can I do for you, Purple Heart? Perhaps you’re experiencing some villainous leanings and need a little guidance?”

The purple colt in question blinked in confusion. He looked questioningly at Purple Patches. “What is he talking about?”

“Haven’t the foggiest idea,” Patches lied quickly.

“Oh, come now,” Discord chided, vanishing and reappearing behind the two colts. He slung his arms around their shoulders and started walking aimlessly down the street, carrying the hapless pair along with him. “I just had a very interesting discussion with somepony you may know. He was quite absorbed with asking questions about my villainous past.”

Purple Heart and Patches shared a look across Discord’s chest. “Oh really?” Heart said. “What friend are we talkin’ about?”

Discord stopped walking and scowled. With an unnecessarily flamboyant gesture, he snapped the fingers on his paw hand, ignoring Purple Patches’ involuntary flinch. A blue wormhole opened right in front of the trio, allowing them to see a mint-colored pinto stallion glaring at a book on a table.

“Wits End?” Heart and Patches chorused, surprised to see the familiar colt. Wits End looked up from his book and briefly made eye-contact with the two colts. His eyebrows climbed up his forehead and he blinked once.

“Wha-”

The portal closed and Discord resumed walking, Heart and Patches still trapped to his sides.

“See, he came to me asking about why my villainous activities have been reduced to simply-” Another pair of hands sprouted from his chest and made air quotes, “-‘shenanigans ensue’.” The hands disappeared back into his chest. Purple Heart shivered in disgust and muttered under his breath, ‘appendages don’t go there.’ Purple Patches just hoped his threads didn’t look as gut-wrenching when they popped out of his body.

“We went back and forth for a while on evilness and such when he finally made a portal and went Audi 5000,” Discord regaled the pair. His walking stopped. “He gave me some curious advice about other ponies that may want to talk to me about villainous stuff and such.” He opened his arms, dropping Heart and Patches to the ground. Both landed heavily on legs that promptly folded under their weight, leaving them slumped on the ground. Both colts glared up at a grinning Discord.

“I hate you,” the pair chorused again.

Discord gave a dismissive shrug. “I’m sure I’ll get over it,” the draconequus replied jovially. He snapped his claws and a cauldron appeared, which he promptly hopped into. A wave of his paw summoned a sledgehammer that he gripped firmly and swung into the pavement. Instead of the sledge remaining stuck in the concrete, it pivoted, bringing Discord and cauldron over Heart and Patches’ heads.

“Can you stop with the visual puns for one moment, please?!” Purple Patches snapped irritably. Discord sighed as the cauldron cracked the road and he hopped out of his impromptu vessel.

“Very well,” the draconequus grumbled. “Ruin my fun, why don’t you?”

“Don’t tempt me,” Patches warned. Discord sighed heavily, his breath billowing through the colts’ manes.

“So, what can I do for you colts today? Do you need any help plotting some fiendish scheme cleverly disguised as a harmless collection of shenanigans?” Discord asked. “Is it a scheme so clever you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel?”

Heart frowned in confusion at Discord. Patches sucked his lips between his teeth, trying not to look conspicuous.

Heart coughed into a hoof and stepped up to Discord.

“We were wondering if you’d be interested in directing a play for us,” he said. “It’s been done many times over the years, but it always uses the same boring old themes.” He let out a gusty sigh and shook his head disparagingly. “We’re hoping that, should you accept, you’d bring a new perspective to the play, something fresh and new that will improve upon the years of rote boredom this play has suffered under.”

Discord blinked.

“Nice pitch,” he replied. “Hit that one out of the park.” He took a baseball bat and smacked an oncoming ball into the distance. “You’ve got me interested. What’s the play?”

“Sac-fly to right field,” Patches interrupted. Discord and Purple Heart blinked at the other colt in confusion. The green earth pony coughed into a hoof. “MacHawk,” he said hurriedly.

“Aaaah,” Discord sighed. “A Shudderstick play. One of my favorites beside Piglet.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, gazing off into the distance. “I suppose you two will be producing this production?” Purple Heart shook his head.

“I’m going to audition for a role,” the purple colt specified. “If anything, I’ll double as casting director as well. I have the most experience with the actors in the Seabiscuit area.”

“Huh,” Discord chuffed. “Very well. And what about you?” He addressed Patches. “Are you acting as well?”

Patches shook his head too. “I’ll be producing,” he replied. “Gives me a chance to rub shoulders with some patrons and backers.”

Discord arched an eyebrow at the green splotched earth pony. “I hope your backers aren’t wizened old nags,” he mused. “Though if they are, you do you.” Purple Patches’s face twisted into a grimace and he shuddered involuntarily.

“Ugh,” he groaned. “Thanks for that image.” He shook his head quickly and glared at Discord. “I’m thinking of getting some Canterlot movers and shakers interested. I’m sure they’ll enjoy a tale of drama, intrigue, and murder. Everything they don’t have in Canterlot.”

Discord squinted at the green colt. “That sounds vaguely like treason to me,” the reformed being remarked. Patches shrugged.

“Eh, it’s only for entertainment,” he evaded. “What’s not to love about Shudderstick?”

“Young ponies?” Discord retorted. The pair of colts winced and gave involuntary retching sounds.

“Touche,” they chorused.

Discord squinted at the pair for a moment, then sighed. “I’ll do it. I’ll direct this catastrophe.”

Purple Heart blinked. “Really? No terms and conditions? Don’t you want to write up a contract.”

Discord waved a paw dismissively. “We can discuss the details later,” he responded. “I do know that I want a grandiose and over the top cast party for myself.” He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Purple Heart and Patches’ shoulder, squeezing the colts to his sides again.

“I think this is the start of a beautiful business venture,” the draconequus declared jovially.

“Indeed,” the two colts wheezed.

“Now, where to, gents? Auditions must start immediately! Time is money!”

“Snohomare,” Purple Heart gasped.

“Fantastic!” With a pop, the trio vanished.

* * *

“When I got the letter from Mister Patches, I didn’t think his first favor would be to organise a lunch for some of Canterlot’s ruling elite,” Jewel Canterlet muttered to herself. The copper coated mare was standing beside Roam Mountague as the pair waited by the Host Podium to be seated.

“Be grateful it wasn’t a more outlandish favor,” Roam commented. “He could have asked for something a little more difficult to accomplish. This is just a casual lunch between friends.”

“Yes,” Jewel agreed tartly. “A ‘casual lunch’ with a retired guardscolt with a number of illustrious accolades, the Head of the Canterlet Guard Academy, the Head of Mountague Discovery, the Head of Canterlot Education, the Court Speaker, and the Head of the Arts. And, we’re having this lunch at Cheese’t Moi, the restaurant of the Premier Chef in Equestria. This is hardly casual. Mister Patches wants something.” Roam shifted uncomfortably and grinned weakly at his fiance. His response was suspended by the arrival of the hostess, a young mare dressed in a spiffing waistcoat and bow tie.

“Table ready for Canterlet’s party of eight?” the hostess asked. Jewel stepped forward, pulling Roam with her.

“The rest of my party will be along shortly,” she said to the young mare. The hostess inclined her head and gestured with a hoof.

“Right this way, please.”

The hostess led Jewel and Roam past several tables, all of which were inhabited by visiting members of high society from the other cities within Equestria. There were even several diners that hailed from beyond Equestria’s borders. Jewel could name nearly all of them by face alone. Her mother had drilled into her the names and faces of all the beings that she would have to interact with once she took on the headship of House Canterlet.

An unbidden tear rolled down her cheek as her thoughts turned to her late mother. She couldn’t conceive how she had fallen to her death fighting Lord Mountague. The pair of parents had decided fighting each other was more important than chasing after their offspring.

Her grieving was gently pushed away when Roam brushed his lips against her cheek, patting her back reassuringly. Jewel looked at her fiance and smiled wanly in gratitude.

“Here is your table,” the hostess said, gesturing to a long table on a balcony open to the bright midday sun. Jewel nodded to the mare in thanks as Roam pulled her chair out for her. The Head of House Canterlet sat in the proffered seat, adjusting her dress as the hostess placed menus on the table.

“Any beverages to start you off, sir, miss?” the mare asked.

“Cider for me please,” Jewel said.

“Spring water please,” Roam requested. The mare nodded.

“I’ll have those along shortly.” With that, she departed, leaving the couple on the balcony.

The pair of ponies sat in silence, enjoying the midday sun and the fresh air for a moment. They’d been cooped up inside their offices for the past week dealing with the fallout of their respective parents’ deaths and assuming control of their families’ spheres of influence. Getting out and about was a much needed and appreciated respite for the duo. The silence continued between the pair, both satisfied with simply sitting in each other’s company for the first time in days. Jewel sighed in contentment as the afternoon breeze brushed gently at her mane. Roam closed his eyes and inhaled, basking in the sun.

The soft clop of hooves followed by a heavier, uneven gait pulled the couple from their silence. Roam and Jewel turned to see a waiter carrying their drinks. Behind the waiter stomped a stout red pegasus with a closely cropped mane of black hair. The pegasus’ waistcoat was a royal blue with the left side covered in medals. A winged helm was stamped in black on his flank.

While the waiter shifted the beverages onto the table, the red pegasus stopped beside Roam and Jewel, inclining his head to the couple.

“Lady Canterlet,” he greeted in a gruff growl. “Lord Mountague.”

“General Casus Belli,” the duo responded. “Thank you for coming.”

Casus Belli grunted and walked around the table. “No reason not to,” he replied. “My offspring are training the next generation of guardponies and my offspring’s offspring are pursuing their own interests. I don’t have anything to do except enjoy my retirement.”

“And the free food?” Roam asked, one eyebrow raised.

“That too.” Casus Belli sat and tapped his hooves together, eyeing the waiting waiter. “I’ll have a Sweet Apple Acres Cider on the rocks.” The waiter nodded and trotted off. Belli turned his attention to Roam and Jewel. “So, who else have you invited to this little get-together of yours?”

“Madam Speaker Top Class, her sister Top Percent, and Mister Patron,” Jewel rattled off promptly. “Chef Cuterie will be with us with the appetizer course and I haven’t the slightest idea when Mister Patches will be here.” A scowl settled on the copper mare’s face. Belli frowned.

“Mister Patches?” he echoed. “I haven’t heard of him.”

“He’s a newcomer to the political landscape,” Roam explained. “We owe him a favor.”

Belli’s frown deepened further. “Favors are dangerous things,” the old pegasus warned. “You’re bringing an unknown to meet several high ranking members of Canterlot’s bureaucracy. This pony wants something.”

“Clearly.”

The three ponies turned around to see two female unicorns standing at the doorway to the balcony. Both were grey of coat and silver of mane; both wore smart black suits. One however had her mane bound in a tight bun and glass perched on the bridge of her nose while the other had her mane pinned into a tail. The mare with the bun stepped forward first to greet the three ponies.

“Lady Canterlet, Lord Mountague, Colonel Belli,” she said archly.

“Madam Speaker Top Class,” Jewel replied to the mare. She looked at the mare behind Top Class. “Professor Top Percent.”

“I see eight seats and only five ponies,” Top Percent sniffed. “When should we expect the other three to arrive?”

“Chef Cuterie will join us with the appetizers,” Roam replied. “We don’t know where Mister Patch and Mister Patron are as of yet.” The sisters huffed in annoyance and walked to their seats.

“Has anypony ordered anything yet?” Class asked.

“Only drinks,” Belli said. On cue, their waiter returned. She blinked once at the new ponies and shook her head, placing Belli’s drink before him. She then turned expectantly to Top Class and Percent.

“Water please,” the sisters said. “A slice of lemon in mine,” Percent continued. The waiter nodded and bustled away, muttering about multiplying royals under her breath.

“I don’t suppose you’re going to tell us what this lunch is all about?” Top Class asked Jewel skeptically. “I have to return to the Senate in an hour to mediate the new bill.”

“What new bill?” Roam prompted, ignoring Jewel’s eyeroll.

“The height of walls owned by private citizens,” Class recited.

Belli and Jewel sighed as Roam and Top Class’ conversation grew. The pair of military ponies shared an exasperated look and snorted lightly.

“Excuse me?” The seated ponies looked up to see a male earth pony with a blue coat and red mane adjusting his tweed jacket at the entrance to the balcony. “Am I late?”

“Fashionably, Minister Patron,” Top Percent said primly. “Much unlike our eighth participant.” The stallion trotted up to the table and inclined his head in gratitude.

“My secretary held me up with ramblings of a production being assembled somewhere in the Seabiscuit-Tacoltma area,” Artistic Patron explained as he sat. “Somepony contacted us with a request for Griffon garb. I only had a chance to give the request a cursory glance before I had to make my way here.”

“It seems that somepony wants to initiate a production of MacHawk,” Belli noted. The other ponies blinked at the old pegasus. Belli twitched under the sudden scrutiny. “What?”

“You know of MacHawk?” Top Percent asked.

Casus Belli huffed irritably. “Of course I do. It was required reading during the Griffon Segment at the Academy.” He shifted in his seat. “Besides, I enjoy Testament Shudderstick’s work.”

“Well then. That makes my opening salvo rather moot.” Once more, the ponies looked around to see yet another newcomer on the balcony. A purple and green male earth pony stood in the entrance. His purple mane was streaked with a virulent green the same color as his eyes.

“Mister Patches!” Roam and Jewel chorused in surprise. The colt walked over to the table, a wide grin on his face.

“My, my, Jewel,” he tutted cheerfully. “When I asked you to schedule a lunch with some of Canterlot’s bigwigs, I wasn’t expecting such a diverse selection.” The mare in question flushed lightly and gestured for Purple Patches to sit.

“Here with us today are Madam Speaker Top Class, Professor Top Percent, Colonel Casus Belli, Minister Artistic Patron, Lady Canterlet, and myself, Lord Mountague,” Roam introduced. “Ladies, gentlecolts, this is Mister Purple Patches. Chef Cuterie will be joining us with the main course. Now for the main discussion: Mister Patches requested a meeting with some of the members of Canterlot’s bureaucracy assembled by Lady Canterlet and myself.”

“What’s this discussion about exactly?” Casus Belli asked, eyeing Purple Patches critically.

“You actually mentioned it as I arrived,” Patches replied.

“MacHawk?” Patron said. “Are you the producer of this production?”

“Guilty as charged.”

Professor Percent cleared her throat. “And what exactly is it about this production that requires…” She gestured to the assembled ponies, “us?”

“Aye,” Casus said with a nod. “Not that I’ve got anything against a good high-class meal, but this is feeling a bit less like a friendly meeting and a bit more like the kind of conspiracy the rank-and-file always accuse Canterlot’s elite of.” He leaned in towards Purple Patches and raised an eyebrow. “What’s your angle, kid?”

Patches grinned and looked at each pony seated before him. “Honestly, I was just looking for some ponies to help me fund and advertise my play,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting this cast of characters when I sent Jewel my letter. But, after seeing who all is here, I think I can narrow my focus.” He looked at Top Percent. “You might be interested in the educational purposes of MacHawk. It can impress upon students the morals they need for life as well as portray a situation that has gone terribly wrong because of the greed and superstition of one Griffon.”

He shifted his gaze to Top Class. “As Madam Speaker, you might find the governmental connotations worth some scrutiny. The play could inform the populace of how different the Griffon and Equestrian governments are run and show just how much trust they can put in yours.”

Patches turned to Casus Belli. “MacHawk is a story of war. Sure, it has political intrigue scattered around as well as drama and murder, but at its core, MacHawk addresses the battle between entities. If up and coming guard recruits can learn even a little from how wars are fought, they’d be more prepared for when actual war occurs.”

Artistic Patron blinked under Patches’ scrutiny. “It's Testament Shudderstick,” the purple and green earth pony said. “What’s not to like?”

“And that’s a wonderful sales pitch,” Top Class said tersely. “Excuse me if I’m cutting you off.”

Patches had enough time to get ‘you’re not’ out of his mouth before the Madam Speaker continued.

“But,” she said with a quick adjustment to her glasses, “you have to understand, this isn’t the first time anypony at this table has been approached by somepony who wants to do them a favor. It’s always in our best interest to do what they want, says the newcomer, and nevermind the consequences.”

“What consequences would that be?” Purple Patches asked with a smirk.

“What you get out of it.” Top Class peered over glasses. “No-pony comes to a single one of us unless they have something to gain, Mister Patches.”

“That might sound a bit jaded,” Top Percent said quickly, “but it’s an unfortunate truth at this point. And,” she turned to Roam and Jewel, “no offence intended with this,” she turned back to the purple earth pony, “but mysterious influence with two young, naive heads of their respective houses is not necessarily impressive around here.”

Roam winced. “Yeah, sure, no offence taken at all.”

Purple Patches inclined his head acquiescence. “I’ll admit, using their assistance in such a fashion can be considered manipulative, especially for nobles of their age. But you have to admit it worked. I have all of you right here where I can talk to you.” The purple and green colt grinned widely. “I’d say they succeeded.”

“Whether you succeeded in assembling us is neither here nor there. You aren’t convincing us of why we should help you with this endeavor,” Artistic Patron said stiffly, “theatrical that it is. Had you approached myself alone, I admit you’d have had more of a chance of acquiring my help. As it is now, I’m more likely to ignore the possibility of a scrumptious lunch in favor of getting some take out.”

Purple Patches was silent for a moment, his wide grin still etched on his face. “You say that there will be consequences for rendering me assistance,” he said thoughtfully. “What do you believe these consequences to be?”

“World domination.” Casus Belli sipped his drink loudly, looking at the various raised eyebrows from over his glass. “What? Some mysterious young colt shows up with ties to the heads of two noble houses who recently lost their previous leaders, and brings together a small group of Canterlot’s elite? I can’t be the only one who goes to world domination.”

“As much as I love some good dramatic theorising,” Patron sighed, “I’m more concerned about having my good name tied to a very highly publicized flop, headed by a no-name nobody from nowhere.” He waved a hoof as he leaned back in his seat. “Besides, you are the host here, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be the one answering questions, rather than asking them?”

Patches continued to grin. The selection of bureaucratic ponies were starting to feel uncomfortable faced with that expression.

“On the subject of world domination,” he said, addressing Casus Belli, “I respond with this: why? World Domination is so last season. What would I get out of ruling the world? A headache. Once you get to the top, there’s nothing up there except looking down at all the things you have to micromanage. And let’s not forget the revolts!” Patches sighed. “Nah, ruling isn’t for me. Too much paperwork. As for flopping...” He shrugged. “That’s theater. You have to take risks to progress. Besides, what could go wrong with Discord directing?”

Top Percent spat out her drink, which was deflected harmlessly by her sister’s raised spoon. “Discord? THE Discord? As in ‘the literal avatar of chaos and disorder himself’ Discord? I think the better question is ‘what could go RIGHT with Discord directing?’!”

“That’s a bit of a strong reaction,” Artistic Patron said slowly. “He could bring some phrenetic energy to the production. Liven up some monologues and things like that.” He paused. “I’m not saying it’s a good idea, mind you. Just an interesting one.”

“I’m more worried about how you got him on board.” Casus Belli narrowed his gaze at the purple earth pony. “Having his name on your posters doesn’t exactly give me confidence that this isn’t a world domination plot when Discord’s tried it at least three times that we know of. What kind of pull have you got on him to get him as director? Answer that straight, and maybe I’ll start thinking you’ve got something other than shiny teeth in that head of yours.”

Patches shrugged. “I asked him.”

The table was silent as the upper echelons of Canterlot society stared at the purple and green earth pony. Purple Patches sipped calmly at his drink, waiting for their brains to restart.

“Surely you can’t be serious?!” Roam squawked. Purple Patches grinned, turning to look at the Head of Mountague.

“I am serious,” he replied, “and don’t call me Shirley.”

“You, a simple earth pony, asked a primordial being of chaos to direct a play,” Artistic Patron stated.

A microexpression of irritation flashed across Purple Patches’ face for a split second. “Yes,” he agreed. “That is indeed what happened. Any more questions you want to ask?”

“This might be a silly question,” Top Class said slowly, “but if you have Discord, the god of chaos, who is capable of creating anything so long as it amuses him… What do you need us for? If you need an audience, I’m sure he can just grab some random ponies from their homes across Equestria for you.”

Purple Patches scowled. “You really don’t trust Discord to act with restraint, do you?” he snorted.

“You trust him to run a play,” Casus Belli pointed out from behind his drink.

Purple Patches tapped a hoof to his forehead in salute. “Fair point,” he admitted. The green earth pony sighed. “I trust Discord to exercise creative freedom to construct an engaging production. I also trust his ego to keep him in line. Think about it: all of his shenanigans have been foiled by the same six mares in Ponyville. After so many years of dealing with him, I’m sure anything Discord might have schemed up can be easily countered. I’m of the opinion that he’ll play nice over the duration of this venture.”

“That might be true,” Casus Belli said, setting his now empty glass on the table, “and if you can get him to keep things calm for the run of a play, I’ve got a nice selection of hats I’m willing to eat. But,” he leaned forward across the table, “you still ain’t told us what you get out of this deal. There’s a mighty big other shoe waiting to drop, and I can guarantee no-pony at this table is gonna want to sign off on anything until we have an idea of what that is.” He leaned back and shrugged. “Honestly, kid, if you just want this for the fame, you can say so. I certainly won’t think any worse of you if that’s all you want out of this.”

“It is basic give-and-take,” Top Percent agreed. “Any motivation we could latch onto would be better than none.”

Purple Patches nodded. “Recognition is pretty much it,” he said. “Having several members of Canterlot’s upper echelons backing a play I produce makes for a large, purposeful first step into the world of drama.” The colt looked aside at Artistic Patron. “You alone might give me a few open doors, but with all of you?” He grinned widely again. “‘Do it with a DON’ as my Uncle Tom said.”

Patron mouthed the word ‘don’ as he processed the purple earth pony’s words. “Well,” he said eventually, “I must admit, if you have half the talent at running a show as you do leading your potential investors around by the muzzle, then I’m certainly interested to see what you can put together.” He tapped the table with a forehoof. “I am, as they say, in.”

“Really?” Casus asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Of course!” Artistic Patron shook his head. “I must admit, it took some time to realize it, but this meeting has been a bit of the old sham, by my thinking. This is less of a sales pitch, and more of a live performance.” He gestured to Purple Patches. “He has, in a word, ‘played’ us, if I’m not mistaken.”

Casus Belli’s eyebrow raised to new heights. “So you’re saying he was just pretending to be a theater-themed supervillain?”

“Acting,” Patron corrected.

The colonel pondered his empty glass for a moment. “Well, buck it. I’m in.”

Top Class sighed. “You cannot be serious, Casus…”

“What?” Casus shrugged and leaned back. “I appreciate a good feint. Besides, it could be fun to watch the Elements take him on in iambic pentameter.”

A solitary chuckle escaped the Speaker of the House. “Be that as it may, I’ll want to see more specifics about this production before I put my name on it. Put me down as an interested ‘maybe’ for now, and I’ll expect details regarding your cast and crew as this moves forward.”

“I think I can help with that,” Top Percent added. “There’s always new grads and alumni looking for roles. I can always send some of them towards the play.”

“When did you become convinced?” Top Class asked.

Top Percent hesitated. “He’s got Discord on his side,” she said. “I don’t want to risk an angry director turning my staff into coat racks on his way to lodge a complaint.”

Purple Patches stood and bowed his head to the ponies before him. “My most heartfelt thanks to all of you,” he said. “I’ll send the details of the show to your offices before the week is out.” He plucked a drink from the returning waiter. “To Equestria and its ponies. Let us put on a show they’ll never forget! Salute!”

“Salute!” the table echoed. They all drank.

Another pony stepped onto the balcony with a gusty sigh of contentment, followed by several carts of small delicacies and hor d'oeuvres. The selection of Canterlot’s bureaucracy and Purple Patches turned to look at the newcomer.

“So,” Char Cuterie boomed, rubbing his face with a rag, “what’d I miss?”

Chapter 14: A Tour Through History

Light Patch checked his reflection in the mirror one last time before smiling and saunting out of the bathroom and down the hallways in Canterlot Castle. He approached a door flanked by two guards who were expertly looking bored at pointlessly guarding a room.

With a small tilt of his head towards one of the guards, Light Patch quietly slipped into the room. He casually took a seat across from the only other pony present in the room.

“Thank you for meeting me on such short notice,” Light Patch said, bowing his head towards Celestia, who chuckled.

“I should be thanking you! After all, this is letting me get away from sitting in the Royal Court all this time,” Celestia repiled, still chuckling. “Though I do find it strange for you to ‘just happen’ to be in Canterlot.”

“Well, I figured since I was seeing the sights I’d try to see Canterlot, and maybe have a chance to talk to you and your sister. I tried to see Luna, but she was busy meeting with another. And since I was still in the castle, I figured rather than just heading out and checking out some of the history museums Twilight recommended, I’d see if I could talk to someone who could tell me all of the little stories they don’t have on the plaques.” An impish grin tugged at Celestia’s lips, and she demurely took a sip of tea.

“It’s not every day one so politely calls me an old mare,” Celestia said, her grin blossoming into a full smile as Light Patch floundered.

“Forgive me, I was just trying to-”

“Worry not, Light Patch,” Celestia replied before he could flounder too long. “I was simply teasing you. Yes, I think I can remember a fair amount of history. Is there anything specific you were interested in learning about? Perhaps if you tell me what museums Twilight recommended to you?”

“Ah, well, several of them. She said there was a good nautical focused one, but it’s down in Pearlescent Harbor. I was curious though... Got any interesting stories about powerful artifacts lost to history?”

“I may know of a decent story or two,” Celestia replied with a shrug. “I’d hate to tell you this, but few have been ‘lost to history’. Most have been located thanks to the previous efforts of my sister and I, or one of the many archaeologists I’ve employed throughout the years. Most are now locked in the vaults, or were depowered.”

“Yeah, probably not a good idea to leave items of immense power and capability for anyone to just accidentally kick off a cliff and blow a hole in a continent.”

Celestia took a sip of her tea, hiding her intense study of the pegasus across from her out of her eyes. “Yes, that was a part of it. Also, I’m surprised that Twilight didn’t direct your attention to the Royal Naval Officer’s Research Office here in Canterlot. They keep a small, but quite well curated museum considering this is where they are based.”

“Oh. Well to be fair, she was already starting to compile the list, and I’m not even sure she’d heard me when I’d asked.”

“I’m surprised that it’s not on the list, still. It is actually one of her favorites. They keep a hydraulic scale model of several ports that they allow visitors to see.” The chime that was Celestia’s laughter lit the room. “Ah, sorry. An old memory came back to me.”

Light Patch looked at the princess, trying to figure out if she was baiting him into accidently calling her old again. “You’d be surprised what can drag old memories up.”

“Oh, this one is directly related to the R.N.O.R.O. There was a little song Twilight used to sing when she’d get excited about going there. ‘RNO, RO, row your boat’.” Celestia sang the short snippet before she had to stop again to pause for her laughter once again, joined by the grey pegasus in the room with her.

After a few moments, Light Patch was able to gasp out, “Tell me it’s their unofficial anthem.”

“I don’t think it’s ever been officially acknowledged as such. However, I swear I still sometimes hear ponies humming the tune when I visit.”

“I’ll definitely have to go check it out for myself, then. I love those kinda setups myself,” Light Patch added, making a mental note before seeing the very questioning look he was receiving from Celestia. “Okay, you’ve caught me in a small lie. Twilight is not exactly aware of my location. I decided to let her and her friends deal with everything, and take my time getting to explore your world while I have the chance for myself.” He smiled and tried his own tea as Celestia gave a very unconvinced sounding humm as she joined in the tea drinking.

“You know I am reminded of a story about a sailor from the three tribes era.” Celestia said cautiously.

“I’m all ears.” Light Patch said relaxing back and listening to Celestia as she started the tale.

* * *

Light Patch slowly twisted his head to the side as he looked at the object of his attention, which was a huge white canvas with a single pinprick of black ink. “Trying to figure out if I consider this art, is as frustrating as Celestia’s tight lips concerning artifacts of power,” the stallion muttered, looking around at the rest of the objects in the room.

“Okay, everypony!” called a mare standing in the middle of the room. “I think we’ve all had our fill of the Deconstructionist Art wing of the museum. If you follow me, we’ll get back to some less philosophical grounds.” Light Patch, and most of the other ponies in the room, followed the mare to another room.

“We now find ourselves leaving the room of ‘Questioning the Worth of Your Traditional Arts Degree’.” Light looked at the paintbrush the mare had as a Cutie Mark. “And find ourselves way back in time, before Equestria was formed and before even the princesses.” The group oohed and awe’d as they left the hallway and passed through into a much larger room. “For we find ourselves in the times of the Three Tribe!,” The mare stood on two legs and waved her front legs as a flourish. “This is a time of animosity, wars, and... artists who know how to make actual art,” the mare finished under her breath. She looked around and sighed when she saw a grey coated hoof in the air.

“Any interesting artifacts of terrifying power?” Light Patch asked, earning a glare from the tour guide and a few others.

“Actually, yes.”

“The Elements don’t count.”

The tour guide sent a two-second glare before she restored her happy guide face. “Actually, there are a few artifacts of power besides the Elements,” she replied, seemingly satisfied to put Light Patch in his place for once. “One of which is rumored to be even more powerful and dangerous than the Elements.” The mare pointed towards a large tapestry in the far end of the room. “You can find out all that's known of the artifact from that tapestry.”

“How do we know it’s real, and not just rumors?”

“It’s explained on the information plaque,” the guide said, speaking up to recapture those who’d lost attention, “if you want to know more about that. But for right now, please allow me to take us back to the earliest documents we have.” Light Patch tuned her out as he wandered over towards the tapestry.

He stopped in front of the plaque, and let his eyes track over the tapestry. On the far left were some ponies clearly losing a battle, if the faded red covering most of them was any indication. The middle showed several unicorns in the kind of busy you get when not wanting to do actual work. The right showed another battle, but this time one of the ponies held what had once been a vivid blue circle.

The battle appeared to be going poorly again, but this time the pony seemed to activate their held item and, in a flash of light, both armies were decimated; only the pony holding the artifact survived. The final scene shown on the far right was the surviving pony casting the artifact into an icy chasm.

“Or the weaver had run out of everything but pale blue and white threads,”, the pegasus mentally added.

Done viewing the scenic vistas of the tapestry, Light Patch looked down and started to skim through the informational plaque in front of him. He skipped over the general information and information about who’d donated it to the museum, then it got into explaining what was on the tapestry, and Light Patch found it quite interesting.

No-pony was, or is, sure exactly who or what the tribes were warring with, but the plaque described that the records of the time stated that while the enemy was vaguely defined—likely griffons given the time period—that the enemy had forced the pony tribes back then to unite to defeat the foe. They were losing, but the unicorns had an idea of creating an artifact with help from the magic of all tribes. It was supposed to boost the natural magic and magical abilities of the tribes when used. But instead of just boosting the magic of the ponies around it, it turned that magic on the one holding it, even reacting with the world's magic around it.

“Its first use was also its last,” the guide exposited to the group that had stuck with her in the room. “In fact, the princesses confirmed that they had sought this artifact first in their quest to defeat Discord. But the more they learned, the less they liked. Not liking the totality of its destruction, nor what its effect might be if it reacted to Discord’s magic, they left the Orb of Glacious to the icy north and continued their search eventually finding the Elements of Harmony.'' Light Patch to turn and glare at the mare.

“Hey, you interrupted the narrator! I was listening to him lay out all of the important bits so I can just kinda stand here half asleep.” Whatever the response from the guide, group, or narrator would have been, it was lost as the pegasus blipped out of existence, reappearing in a library with a book in his hooves. “Oh, a scene change,” he muttered, putting the book on a handy table. “Real mature.”

He skimmed through the book, idly flipping through it to see why he’d been drawn to it. Finally, he found the information that had caused him to seek this book out. It was an in depth study of the battle of Glacious; where the Orb of Glacious got its name. All research pointed to the artifact existing, backed up by Celestia, Luna, and even Discord. At least, if the pencil notes scribbled into the book's margins were to be believed.

The grey-coated stallion sat down and began to read more studiously. Skimming over the more generic details of the battle, he focused on whatever they told him about the Orb. Not used until what was technically the second battle, but still considered a part of the first. “Only used once,” he muttered, still paging through the book. “Devastated both armies. Ditched into a crack in a nearby glacier likely made by the activation of the artifact. Bright light reported to be seen far away. All kinds of interesting facts, but nothing that will help me find it.”

“You want page two hundred and thirty four,” a mare's voice chimed in. Light Patch looked up and found himself looking at Moon Dancer, who was staring back at him. “They talk about the supposed location of the Glacious Orb on that page. I noticed you were in that section of that book and... may have overheard you muttering about its location.” She finished with a faint blush and scooted down the table.

Light Patch gave a nod of thanks and flipped through the book to page, quickly skimming through it to see a lot of conjectures. But then, at the bottom half of the page was a small map listing a couple of towns nearest to the probable sight of the battle, as well as some triangulations meant to back up the theories. But also, by correlation it was also helpful for finding the artifact. “Oh, this should do just nicely,” Light Patch mumbled, putting the book in his saddle bag.

“I was hoping to look through that book,” Moondancer said, glaring at Light Patch.

“Ah well, I suppose I only need the one page anyway.” With that, he quickly flipped the book back open and ripped out the page with the map, passing the book over to Moondancer, who was frozen with a look of horror on her face. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a friend's rehearsal.” He flipped his pocket watch open and checked Purple Heart’s Cutie Mark inside.

The stallion vanished just as Moondancer tried to catch him with her magic. She blinked in surprise a few times before picking up the damaged book, only to find the “torn” page still inside. “Some kind of instant duplication from nothing spell?” she muttered, resolving to make the pegasus tell her how he’d done it, should they ever meet again.

* * *

The snow crunched under his hooves as he looked around. It had taken him a few tries and asking some of the locals, but he was fairly sure he’d managed to find it. “Well, that took half of forever.” Light Patch looked down at the copied page from the book. “Next time, just take the whole book,” he muttered, shuffling around the icy desert. “The information on those other pages this keeps mentioning—pages I don’t have—probably would have helped. Still, this should be the right place. Now to figure out how I’ll prove it.” Light Patch looked down at the ground and wiped a hoof over it, brushing away layers of snow to reveal clear ice, through which an old spear was visible held in the claws of a griffon skeleton.

“Okay, that’s a good sign. I hope this isn’t an actual glacier, though, or tracking it’s gonna be a real chore.” Light Patch paused as he found a small trench in the ice, dug by water flowing over it. “Then again, if it was in a glacier, odds are it dropped out into a river or bay or something. Yay, getting to swim in just barely above freezing water to find a small object probably half as large as my head... Then again, maybe I can borrow a submarine, if they even have those here.”

The pegasus continued to walk around, trying to use his magic to feel out the glacier, and finding quite a lot of skeletons and other artifacts but nothing that felt anything more interesting. He was about to consult his notes again when his magic was slapped away from an object buried deep in the ice. He tried reaching out with his magic again, more slowly this time, surrounding the object. Again his magic was slapped away, but this time he’d gotten an idea of its shape.

“Huh, that was easy to locate,” he thought aloud as he scribbled on the tiny map, feeling the thing’s occasional magical pulse wash past him as he worked. He sent out a few more pulses to gage its depth and, after some poorly done math, he came to two conclusions. “I really need a refresher course on math… Also, this thing is fairly deep, and I can’t pull any of Pinkie’s ‘pull it magically out of my hair’ tricks. Maybe if I make mine poofier...” He trailed off in thought before shaking his head. “It’s gonna take time to dig for it. If I want it dug up in any reasonable amount of time, I’m gonna need help.”

He idly walked around, mapping out the full extent of the ancient battlefield he was trotting over. His mind was mostly focused on how he was going to dig up the artifact without having it become news all over equestria and beyond. A regular group or archaeologist would report everything back to the princesses or royal guard, and at least one of them would be well-read enough in the area to figure out eventually they’d found the Orb of Glacious. He could recruit locals, but he’d still need somepony to lead them. Somepony who was well-read and knew what they were doing, but also would know how important it would be to keep quiet about what they were after.

Light Patch shook his head. He’d also need somepony he could trick into helping him. “Moon Dancer knows Twilight. Maybe she’s spoken about me to her. If so, I might be able to convince her I’m helping Twilight quietly recover an artifact of extreme power.”

The pegasus took one last look around, making a couple of final markings on his map before pulling out his pocket watch and looking at the Cutie Marks being tracked on it.

“It’s probably about time I drop in on somepony again,” he thought aloud. “Wits is probably still working through Villainy 101, but maybe he’s had a chance to look at that portal magic. Or maybe I can figure out what Purple Heart is actually up to. I could also drop in on the mares and annoy one or all of them for a bit...”

He sighed as he looked at the much smaller version of the map table in his watch. “This would be easier if Purple and Wits were in some kinda evil league of evil together.”

Light Patch was once again reminded of something. “It’s really more of an idea this tim-” He miraculously managed to trip over nothing before vanishing into a gust of snow driven wind, off to set about on his goals.

“Oh come on, I still haven-” But not before tripping one more time.

Chapter 15: It’s All Gone To Roadapples, Kupo!

Twilight sighed, her head thumping onto the table top. “And that's when he stole the map and vanished,” she explained. “Now I have no idea what they are up to, where they are and...” Twilight looked around anxiously. She leaned forward to whisper her next words. “I’m always worried to say this because I half expect one of them to show up with some reference about how bad it’s gotten, but everything seems to have… fallen apart.”

Luna held her coffee with her magic as she raised an eyebrow at Twilight’s actions. “You do realize that, considering what you’ve observed about Light Patch’s teleportation and it’s similarities to Pinkie and Discord, whispering is unlikely to affect the likelihood of him appearing to just annoy you with another obscure reference?”

“I’m learning really fast to not tempt fate more than I need to,” Twilight muttered as she batted lightly at the uneaten muffin on her plate.

“What actions are you taking to find them?” Celestia asked, breaking her silence.

“I’ve already sent a message to the Royal Guard and the law officials of the largest cities to keep an eye out for them and to report if spotted. And I notified Armor and Cadence. I was hoping you’d allow me to inform foreign diplomats of the situation.”

“Casting the net rather wide are you not, Twilight?” Luna commented.

“Like I said, I have no idea what they are up to. For all I know, they’ve decided to go find some other lost relics and form their own elements of something and save the world just to annoy me.”

“That actually does jog a memory,” Celestia mused, sipping her tea. “Light Patch and I had a short, impromptu luncheon a day or two ago. His sudden appearance was a surprise to be sure, but I hadn’t noticed anything else off. I merely assumed he and Discord were up to something. He seemed determined to get me to talk about artifacts of power.”

“You didn’t tell him anything about those, did you?!” Twilight squeaked.

“Of course not. I kept the conversation away from such topics. He was very polite, but kept steering it back when he could.”

“As long as we are sharing encounters with your friends,” Luna said, “we have also met two of them.”

“Which ones?” Twilight blanched. “Not Purple Heart, I hope.”

Luna shook her head. “Hardly. We paid Wits End a visit in his dreams, so as to avoid an incident with the Royal Guard.”

“I want to apologize for anything you saw,” Twilight stated quickly.

“We were most discreet,” Luna said with a smile. “Aside from a brief interruption from Light Patch, Wits End seemed more interested in our time as Nightmare Moon.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “How did Light Patch interrupt a dream?”

Luna was silent for a moment. “To avoid tempting fate, as you put it, perhaps that should be left to later.” She cleared her throat. “Regardless, Wits End appears to be seeking guidance on how to be a villain. It seems he has taken your challenge to heart.”

“Great,” Twilight muttered. “But why would he be asking for advice on that? I would’ve thought he’d have enough ideas on how to be a villain from his world.”

After another sip of tea, Celestia cleared her throat. “Perhaps he wants to avoid going too far.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Celestia set her tea back on the table, “if he knows as much about your history as you say, I imagine he knows the difference between being a villain like Sunset Shimmer, and being one like Tirek. Perhaps he’s showing some restraint in order to stay in your good graces.”

Twilight stifled a snort. “Sorry, sorry. Just… the idea of Wits showing any kind of restraint.” She took a few breaths to calm herself. “But, what do you mean ‘stay in my good graces’? He left because we had an argument.”

The two sisters looked at each other. “Well,” Celestia said slowly, “based on your letters about your adventures, he’s a young, fairly intelligent colt who sees you as an equal. It’s not too strange to imagine that he has some feelings-”

“Let’s change the subject,” Twilight said quickly, and in a slightly higher pitch than she intended. “That’s two of the colts, and I know for a fact that they rarely avoid the Rule of Three. So, did anypony see Purple Heart?”

The two elder princesses exchanged an uneasy look.

“Uhm...” Celestia hummed. “No?”

Twilight stared wide-eyed at the white alicorn. “Did you just say ‘uhm’?!” she squawked, surprise evident in her voice. “Since when does one of the rulers of Equestria go ‘uhm’?!”

Celestia grinned weakly. “I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Purple Heart,” she said weakly. “Nor have there been any reports of anypony matching his description.” Twilight slumped across the table, a low moan passing her lips.

A frown crossed Luna’s face and the Princess of the Moon looked questioningly at Twilight. “Purple Heart is a large purple earth pony with blue tattoos, correct?”

Twilight nodded slowly. “He’s also got a cutie mark. A tree with two two masks hanging from its branches.”

Luna shook her head. “We’ve not seen anypony like that in any dreams we’ve come across.” Her frown returned in full force. “However, there were a couple of ponies with startlingly unusual nightmares over the past week.”

“Really?” Twilight groaned, trying and failing to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

“Really,” Luna confirmed. “The newly recognized Lord Mountague and Lady Canterlet.”

Both Twilight and Celestia perked up. “Newly recognized?” Twilight echoed. “Roam and Jewel were named Heads recently?”

“What happened to the previous Lord and Lady?” Celestia asked.

“Apparently, late Lord Mountague and Lady Canterlet took a nasty fall and didn’t survive,” Luna explained. “Whether it was an accident or foul play, we are not certain. However, the fallout speaks for itself: Roam and Jewel are now Heads of their respective families.” The Princess of the Moon paused. “Their dreams however do not reflect their recent change in status. They are to be married, and yet they have fears that plague them during the night. The visage of a green pony commanding hundreds of green strings.”

Twilight slammed her hooves on the table. “Bael!” she cried. “Bael killed their parents for some reason!”

“Bael was Purple Heart’s villain, correct?” Celestia clarified. “Wasn’t it only the three colts who came from Limbo?”

“It was…” Twilight trailed off. “At least, I thought so.” She stood up, her tea remaining untouched on the table. “I have to go. Sorry, Princesses!” With that, she vanished in a flash of light.

Luna raised an eyebrow at her sister. “Do you ever get tired of her doing that?”

Celestia shrugged and sipped her tea. “Equestria hasn’t been destroyed or conquered yet.”

* * *

“Soooo, why are we here again?” Rainbow asked. “I’m more than happy to help track down those three weirdos, but I fail to see how a pegasus can be helpful with unicorn magic stuff.”

“It was a pegasus,” Starlight said, pointing at Rainbow’s wings, “using Pinkie-like powers,” she emphasized by pointing at Pinkie, “or Discord-like powers, on an artifact of harmony of unknown origin.” Starlight shrugged. “I don’t know what we’ll need but I plan on being as ready as I can.”

“Trixie can tell you exactly what she needs,” the mare in question said, letting the magic leave her horn and wiping her brow. “A break.”

“Do you have any idea how he broke it?” Fluttershy asked as she hoofed over a glass of water.

“I- I mean... Trixie isn’t sure he broke it exactly,” Trixie replied, taking the offered drink and gulping it down greedily while she considered her next words.

Applejack hummed contemplatively. “Well, if’n he didn’t break it, then whut is it?”

“Trixie was getting there. It is hard to explain and Trixie isn’t even sure she’s correctly read—no, that's not the right word—interpreted what the spell is telling her.”

“What's the feeling you get, besides being hooked on one, anway?” Pinkie asked, pronking in place with her usual excitement.

“Trixie isn’t sure, but it feels like it’s working. Just not here. It's as if the spell is metaphysically here,” she gestured to the table, “but part of it was busy somewhere else… Not that that makes any sense.” Most of the others seemed to be puzzling through the unicorn’s riddle-like statement, trying to find a way to parse the words so the statement made sense. Spike was the first to look up.

“So you're saying that Light Patch switched which viewer it’s displaying on?” the little dragon asked.

“What's a viewer?” Rarity asked, looking at Spike.

Spike’s went cross eyed for a moment as he tried to put his metaphor into words. “Uhhhh...” He blinked and his eyes realigned. “To sum up, magic signature goes in and graphs and data come out.”

“So Twilight.”

“...Yes, but with less friendship lessons.”

“Trixie feels like that is surprisingly apt.” The showpony-turned-repairpony paused, as if her thoughts were elsewhere. After a moment, she blinked and shook her head. “And it has given her an idea. It is back to work for Trixie, the great and powerful artifact repair pony!” She declared, throwing her hat off in a theatrical display as her magic charged and she turned back to the table with renewed vigour.

The group went back to idly chatting and Spike went back to wringing his claws, wrestling with the fact that, once again, something big was going down and there wasn’t much he seemed able to do about it. Granted. getting to sit back at the castle and catch up on his chores and comic books was nice. But so was making sure Twilight and the others didn’t die or get captured. He looked over at the stack of comic books he and Rainbow had been reading through when one of them caught his eye. He picked it up and a cursory glance at the cover gave him an idea.

“I have an idea,” the dragon declared, standing up. “I could contact Paladin Just Duty.”

The mares looked confused. “I believe he’s still in Discord’s game world,” Twilight said. She frowned. “At least I think he is... Didn’t Discord say that the Hydra was the only one unaccounted for, Fluttershy?”

“Actually, the Hydra’s returned to the game world, but Discord said there was another minor character whose whereabouts are unknown,” Fluttershy replied. “He is confident they’d turn up soon... ish.”.

“No, no. The pony that they based Paladin Justice on from the comic book series Paladins of Equestria,” Spike corrected, holding out the comic to show it’s cover.

“Spike, don’t tell me you are actually one of those ponies that believes that the PoE is actually based on true events,” Rainbow sighed.

“I'm a dragon and you're the one that introduced me to the theory and the local fan club of the real life Paladins,” Spike deadpanned back to Rainbow who just blushed and coughed a fake cough into her hoof.

Rarity looked at the small dragon gently. “Spike, dear-”

“No! They are real! He is real! Twilight and I ran into him back during everything that happened in Sunset’s world!” The small dragon frowned, looking down in rumination. “What did she say one of them called it once? Technicolor Human Town or something...”

“Look, Ahm sure some of the events have some basis in actual guard missions or encounters, but ah really doubt that there’s a secret force’a ponies and non-ponies that travel the world dealing with threats to Equestria before they become threats,” Applejack offered. She blinked at the questioning looks from everypony else in the room. “What, I’m not allowed to read one of the oldest comic book series in Equestria when I was a filly? Or to catch up on it every now and then cuz I’m a farmer?”

“I hate to say it, but Applejack is right. While I’m sure some of it is based on facts and stories, I don’t believe the Paladins exist. The pony you and Twilight encountered was likely just pulling your leg,” Starlight suggested, earning not the mopey look she’d expected, but instead a glare of anger from the small dragon.

“Fine. I’ll just have to prove that they do exist. I’ll go contact him myself.” Spike stomped off as loudly as he could. He left the room and slammed the door behind him.

“Spike, don’t slam the doors! You’ll probably shake the castle apart!” Twilight shouted, having just appeared in a flash before Spike had left the room. “What was that about?”

“Spike’s having trouble with the whole ‘books aren’t reality’ thing,” Rainbow Dash said. “You can’t believe everything you hear.”

Applejack cleared her through loudly, in a way that might have been misheard as ‘Daring Doo’. “Sorry. How’d the meetin’ with the Princesses go, Twi?”

Twilight made a beeline for the table. “I have an idea.”

“That ain’t an answer t’my question, but okay then.”

The Princess of Friendship ignored Applejack’s comment, focusing on Starlight. “Is the map working yet?”

“We’re working on it,” Starlight replied. “So far, it looks like the underlying magic is working, but somewhere between that and the map itself, something’s broken.”

“How’d you figure that out?”

“Through Trixie’s cunning and brilliance,” Trixie’s voice said from under the table. “Also, you are standing on her hat, and she would appreciate it if you moved your hoof.”

“Sorry, Trixie.”

“S’aright.”

“The idea, darling?” Rarity asked.

“Right.” Twilight placed her forehooves on the table. “I think something followed the boys out of Limbo.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Can that happen? I mean, we didn’t even know this Limbo place existed until you got the report from Sunset. What else would be in that place?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It’s like saying something lives in the pickles that’re between the bun and cheese of a hayburger!”

“Pickles have got living cultures,” Applejack said. “That’s how they ferment.”

“Are you saying alien probiotics followed them here?” Pinkie gasped.

“No. What?” Twilight blinked. “No, I’m saying the boys weren’t the only ones in Limbo when we pulled them out. Bael, Just Duty, and Holdfast were also pulled into the portal, according to Sunset.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “You mean Bael in the shape of Purple Heart’s kid brother, Holdfast’s soul possessing the human version of him’s body, and the alternate version of Just Duty with that Hydra’s influence in him?”

Pinkie gasped again. “Interloping pickles,” she whispered.

“Do you really think those three could have followed the colts into Equestria?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, I thought that your spell was specifically targeting them. Wasn’t it?”

“It was,” Twilight said slowly, “but it also assumed they were the only targets. The boys couldn’t tell us anything about how space and time worked in Limbo, so it’s possible that the villains… I don’t know, grabbed on to them while the spell was transporting them here?” She sighed, slumping against the table. “It’d explain why the spell fizzled out initially, at the very least.”

“Hang on.” Starlight was pinching the bridge of her muzzle. “These villains. They’re from that game thing Discord put you through, right? Are you saying they’re here, in Equestria?”

“It would explain why the boys have been acting so strangely,” Rarity mused.

“Are you trying to say that three stallions would be stupid enough to push away their only friends in an alien land, just because some bad guys from a game were also in that land?”

The Elements of Harmony looked at each other for a moment.

“Yes,” Rainbow Dash said shortly.

“Most definitely,” Rarity sniffed.

“It’d be weirder if they didn’t!” Pinkie proclaimed.

Starlight’s mouth formed a thin line. “...Yikes.”

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” Trixie emerged from under the table, her hat slightly askew. “If the Great and Resourceful Trixie may direct your attention to this perfectly ordinary map…” Her horn glowed with magic as she connected the last of the arrays. After a momentary flicker, the three colts’ cutie marks sparked to life over the recreation of Equestria. “Please, feel free to hold your applause for Trixie’s mighty works of engineering and wizardry.”

Applejack looked over the map, and the cutie marks spread out across it. “That’s them, I reckon. Split the party an’ everythin’.”

“Trixie,” Twilight said quickly, “can you key in three more magical signatures? I’ll give you the formulas.”

Trixie scoffed. “Of course! There’s nothing Trixie loves more than laying under dark and dusty tables doing repair work.” She slid back under the map. “Go for it.”

A few incomprehensible, vaguely arcane phrases from Twilight later, and three more symbols flickered over the map. “I think those were made-up words,” Rainbow Dash whispered.

“All words are made up,” Pinkie whispered back.

The assembled ponies looked over the new additions to the map. “It looks a little…” Starlight prodded one of the marks—a mess of white cloth and bird talons, “broken.”

“Not broken,” Twilight breathed. “It’s a change in the z-layering. They’re overlapping.”

Suddenly, the symbols became clear. An eagle’s claw grasping a golden crown, laid over a white glove. A long-handled hammer with scale trays hanging from its head, overlaying two sheets of paper folded together. A green tree flanked by the sun and moon, merged with another tree with masks hanging from its branches.

“What’s that mean?” Fluttershy asked.

“It means they’re with the villains!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“Or that they are the villains,” Starlight mused.

“Maybe the villainy was the friends they made along the way?” Pinkie asked.

“Twi,” Applejack said slowly. “What’s it mean?”

“I… don’t know.” Twilight frowned. “The map’s never done that before. It’s almost like-” The symbols flickered, cutting off her train of thought. “Trixie?”

“On it!” The glow from Trixie’s horn lit up the underside of the table. “It’s like there’s something rewriting the connection as Trixie is working on it. Trixie’s giving it all she’s got, but-” With a sound like a branch snapping inside a metal pot, the cutie marks fizzled out of existence. “Oh, come on!” She poked her head out from under the table. “Map machine’s broken, Princess.”

Rarity sighed. “Well, now what do we do? If the colts are in danger, or worse, working with their villainous counterparts, we can’t exactly leave them on their own. What about a tracking spell, Twilight?”

“I tried that when Purple Heart and Wits went rogue,” Twilight replied. “There’s something blocking it, or their humanity is interfering with it. It just points to the native versions of them.”

“What about the villains?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I need more than just a magical signature for that. I’d need… well, a whole suite of information that I can only get in person. All we can do is head for where they were on the map, and hope we can find them.”

Starlight perked up. “There might be an easier way. You said the tracking spell points to the Equestrian version of those colts, right?” Twilight nodded. “Would it do the same for those villains?”

“I don’t see why not…” Twilight mused. “But… Wait, if we have a baseline template-”

“Combine that with the original magical signature,” Starlight continued, “and apply Jargon’s 13th Principle to it-”

“If we use the 17th Principle, it’d account for the astral decay…”

“Oh for the love of Celestia…” Rainbow Dash slammed her hooves on the side of the table. “Equestrian, please!”

Twilight blinked, and folded her wings back alongside her body. “Sorry. Essentially, we can track the villains by using a broad-range tracking spell. They usually only pick up a single pony, but if we make it broad enough-”

“It’ll pick up all iterations of that pony,” Starlight finished. “...What? I thought we were still doing the ‘finish each other's sentences’ thing.”

“But to do that,” Twilight continued, “we’ll need samples from the native versions of the villains. Holdfast and Just Duty should be in Canterlot, but Bael… Would Heart Burn work as a replacement?”

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash held up a hoof. “Just Duty, like, Paladin Justice? From the comics?”

“We met him in Canterlot,” Twilight said simply. Her eyes followed the pegasus as she headed for the door. “Where’re you going?”

“To find some gemstones for a dragon-style apology! And brag to the fan club!”

Chapter 16: Lies Beget More Lies

“Why did I have to come all the way out here to learn that page duplication spell?” the mare asked, her voice muffled by her heavy scarf.

“Because if the spell fails, it can wipe out an entire city block,” Light Patch casually replied, following the feeling of the artifact to try and position the two of them over it. He missed the skeptical look on her face.

“For a simple matter-duplication spell? That sounds like a bit much.”

“Yeah, about that... I may have sort of lied about that. My magic works a little like Pinkie Pie and a little like Discord. I just sort of think of what I want and it sometimes happens. Other times I get unexpected results, like a sudden rubber duck or something. I actually offered the spell as a little extra incentive.”

Moon Dancer frowned. “I hope the artifact hunt you mentioned is worth this, then.”

“Look, I’ll see if I can maybe teach you the spell somehow… Maybe there’s some kinda pottery scene way I can...” Light Patch’s muttering trailed off as he looked at his hooves. “How would that scene work in Equestrian cinema?”

Moon Dancer watched the pegasus mutter to himself for a couple of minutes, before the need to wipe her nose prompted her to goad the stallion back into their current focus. “Look, just walk me through what we’re looking for, and why you decided to hijack a perfectly good afternoon for staying inside and reading to come out to... here.” She looked around quickly. “The sooner you do that, the sooner I can tell you exactly which spell to use to do it, and we can both go someplace not covered in a layer of frostbite and disdain.”

Light Patch looked up from his hooves and shook his head. “Right. Sorry, I don’t need a spell so much as a well-read hoof. I found the Orb of Glacious... Mostly. I need some pony to lead the team to dig it up, because trying to just teleport it might turn it on, and the last thing I want is to wipe out every living thing in some unspecified range.”

Moon Dancer snorted, then saw the serious look on the pegasus’ face.“Sorry, that was rude,” she said quickly, before looking at the stallion again. “You think you found the Orb of Glacious? The one sealed away by General Winter? Centuries before the princesses? Before even Discord? The one ponies have been searching for since the day it was lost without success?” She watched as the grey pegasus nodded. “And you just… what? Tripped over it while on your morning trot through the desolate winter desert, millions of miles away from Canterlot?”

“General Winter, huh? kinda fitting honestly. And no, I didn’t exactly trip over it. Turns out Jogging Gates actually had gotten a good location, just slightly off. I used magic to find a more solid location.”

“And I’m sure you want it strictly for altruistic purposes.” Moon Dancer gathered magic around her horn as she got into a stance that, according to the books, would ready one for battle. “Tell me straight: am I being ponynapped right now? Does this end with me being used to dig out a magical artifact of incredible power, which will then be used to conquer-slash-destroy Equestria by a villain?” Moon Dancer looked Light Patch over. “‘Because I’m not a pushover. I’ve read many books on magic duels and combat.”

“I am wounded. Wounded, I say. Your words have struck right to my bones. And no, you’re not being ponynapped. Twilight read about this and did some of her own research, and realized how close Jogging Gates got to it. She decided to have some pony dig it up quietly since the Princesses seemed to just be fine with leaving it for any Sombra or Chrysalis to dig up.” Light Patch paused, looking to check for any others around them. “Did Twilight ever mention that little RPG she played with Discord?”

Moon Dancer raised an eyebrow. “Caverns and Cutie Marks? She’s mentioned it before.” She paused as she looked him over. “Are you Wits End? I thought you’d be a lot shorter.”

“He is. I’m Light Patch, the funny but incompetant pegasus sidekick,” Light Patch said, shifting his wings under the cloak he’d fashioned for himself to protect from the cold. “She trusted me enough to deal with this.”

Moon Dancer seemed to be weighing his words carefully. “I guess that makes sense… If anypony associated with Twilight went after the Orb, they’d have spies and bandits all over them like termites in an early renaissance library. But, they wouldn’t be looking for a complete no-pony...” She paused for a moment. “No offence. Why didn’t she contact me to let me know?”

Light Patch shrugged nonchalantly, while his mind whirled about to come up with something. “I guess she got a little worked up over this and I was the nearest pony. Maybe she didn’t want to interrupt your own studies? I'm sure you both know how each other are there.”

“Maybe.” Moon Dance tapped the ground with a forehoof. “Or she knew that contacting me would put me on the map for other ponies looking for the Orb.” Her gaze narrowed. “Or you’re just using your friendship with Twilight to get my help.” Another moment of silence passed. “Are you sure you know where the Orb is?”

“I think I have a pretty good idea where the Orb is, but not how deep.” A soft glow came from under his cloak, and it indented like his wings were straining against the fabric. “A few more paces over this way and I think we’re almost over it.”

“Convenient. I hope you have a better plan for digging for it than just using our hooves or warm breath?”

“A unicorn who knows a way to track it magically to guide a digging crew, likely drafted from locals who know how to dig through the ice. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m worried other magic might set it off, and mixing Discord’s magic and pony magic sounds like a great way to give this world a new crater.”

“You want me to lead the dig?” Light Patch thought he saw a moment of excitement on Moon Dancer’s face before she quickly tempered it again. “All of this is pointless if the Orb isn’t here, by the way.” Moon Dancer closed her eyes, focusing her magic into a simple spell. A soft pulse of off-pink light emanated from her horn.

Several tense seconds later, a faint off-pink light pulsed back from the ice beneath them. Moon Dancer’s eyes snapped open, going wide as the light passed over her. “Holy horse apples,” she muttered under her breath, forcing her expression back to a semblance of normalcy. “If that is the Orb...” she murmured quietly.

“Like I said, we’re only several paces from where Jogging Gates estimated it was.” Light Patch pulled his head back as Moon Dancer got up in his face, a hard look adorning hers.

“We’re taking it to Twilight together. And if you try anything funny, I know of 27 different ways to disable you and take the Orb to her myself. Got it?”

Light Patch sat there, frowning. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning to screw around with an artifact of that power. I was kinda hoping you’d need my help to sense it out... I thought I’d figured out a way to do the pottery scene,” Light Patch grumped.

“Don’t worry, I can handle this on my own. Just like most things I do.” She frowned for a moment before continuing. “I’ll need a crew, equipment, and complete control over the dig.”

“I’ll do what I can, but we aren’t gonna be able to bring in anything too big. I’d prefer to not attract too much attention to this digsite. The last thing we need is Chrysalis looking in, and Twilight would prefer that Celestia doesn’t wonder why her student doesn’t trust her or her sister’s judgment. I guess she’s thinking it’s easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.” Light Patch finished with another hidden shrug. “In anycase, you lead the dig, and I’ll try to get some locals to help dig, and squash any other fires that spring up.”

Moon Dancer nodded slowly. “That sounds like Twilight alright. I’ll need to go back home and pick up some things... Clothes, equipment, psychology books... Essentials, basically. In the meantime, you can… work on your pottery, or whatever.”

“I get to go and try to convince some ponies to help us dig in the frozen ice without being able to promise them more than... maybe a thanks from the Equestrian government.”

Moon Dancer looked at the pegasus. “Twilight didn’t give you a budget to operate with?”

“One minute I was sitting in the castle waiting for any news from Twilight about my little magic infection, and suddenly she bursts in, throws a bag of bits at my face, shouts about the Orb, and teleports me to Canterlot with the last words I heard from her being, and I quote, ‘deal with this.’” Light Patch finished with a sigh.

“Sounds like she worked herself up again,” Moon Dancer said quietly before sneezing.

“That is what it sounded like when I left the castle. Anyway, come on. This burlap sack cloak isn’t working well; I can’t feel my tail anymore. Let's get back to a town before we become ponycicles.” He finished by pulling the cloak a little tighter as he started to lead Moon Dancer away, letting him hide his impish smile.

* * *

Light Patch sat at the table in the tavern, idly going over his notes while he waited for the small town’s mayor to meet with him. “Working with unicorn magic would be so much easier if I was a unicorn and not having to fudge all of this with math and loose understanding,” he muttered to himself.

He took a sip of the hot drink he’d been brought without even having asked. “I hope Wits has had a chance to look my notes over. Actually, I hope he’d even be willing to work with me. If he doesn’t, I’ll need another unicorn to assist. Maybe I can convince Moon Dancer to help.” He continued to mutter to himself while holding onto the hot drink, only to jump when he noticed a blue stallion staring back at him from the other side of the table.

“You the pegasus who’s been asking to meet with me?”

“Ah, you must be the mayor. Yes, I was actually hoping to-”

The blue stallion raised a hoof to interrupt. “Actually, I should stop you right there. I’m technically not the mayor; just the pony that gets stuck dealing with things that usually fall into a mayor's hooves.”

Light Patch shrugged. “Fair enough. Not much of a need for a mayor when there’s few enough that a direct vote requires maybe ten ponies to show up anyway.”

“Yeah. So what did you want to see me for anyway? You don’t look shiny enough to be from the Crystal Empire.”

“Princess Twilight has asked me to discreetly acquire an artifact of immense power.” The pegasus paused at the snort of the stallion across from him, but continued when no further interruption came. “The Orb of Glacious, yes. She asked me to dig it up quietly so they don’t have to try and figure out a way to send an entire regiment or more of Royal Guard to secure it.”

“And you're looking to have us help you dig it out,” the ceremonial mayor guessed. He took a large drink from his cup, prompting Light Patch to notice a new cup of his own.

“Yes. I was hoping there might be some miners who’d be able to help us dig it out very quickly. Or failing any actual miners, maybe just ya’ll’s familiarity with the local terrain could help us dig it out faster than bringing in non-locals.”

“There are a couple of local miners who might be willing to help,” the blue stallion replied. “And I know a small group of Diamond Dogs. They aren’t the most upstanding citizens, but they do owe me a few favors. They’ll have your dig finished rapidly, I figure.”

Light Patch considered the mayor’s words before speaking,.“I’m not sure about the Diamond Dogs. The last thing we need is for them to steal the ball of doom from us.” The mayor shook his head and set down the cup that had been halfway to his lips.

“They aren’t nearly the worst bandits. And like I said, they owe us favors, so they won’t just take the Orb from us. The bigger worry would be the Bow Gunners or Talon Mercenaries.” He paused, his voice growing quieter as he said the names, like he was worried that was all it’d take to make them appear, “Something’s riled them up, and both of those groups are operating in a wider area than they normally do.”

“Great, looks like my job as security is gonna be a little more interesting than I’d hoped it’d be. Tell me you’re at least willing to help dig it up?”

“I don’t suppose there’s a good chance for some Bits to come our way?”

“I can fund some extra equipment, but for the most part your payment is a quiet thanks from Equestria, and a sigh of relief in knowing that you don’t have an ancient artifact of unknown stability in your backyard anymore. Well, that and an archaeological dig site that might draw in a lot more opportunity.”

“Honestly, just not having the trouble of some bandit group deciding they’re gonna be the ones to find the Orb and make us dig it up for them would be payment enough,” the mayor said, downing the last of his drink. “Though if that archaeological dig site plays out in any fashion, I might just have to actually become the mayor.” He finished with a laugh before standing up to leave.

Chapter 17: Stars, Hide Your Fires; Let Not Light See My Black And Deep Desires

“Greetings, and welcome to an Errant Drapes Company production of Testament Shudderstick’s MacHawk, a tale of ambition, intrigue, sound, and fury. Any recording via magic, camera, and the use of flash photography is strictly prohibited by Management. There will be two fifteen minute breaks over the course of this production, during which we invite you to partake of the refreshments cordially provided by Cheese’t Moi. Please, show respect to others and refrain from talking or using telepathic messaging during the performance. Enjoy the show.”

Two figures sidled into their private box high above the stage to the left, both applauding politely with the rest of the audience as the lights dimmed following the announcement. One sat, leaning over the front of the box to peer into the main body of the theater.

“Why are we here again?” Day Grass asked softly, turning to his companion. The thin, gray-coated stallion beside him sighed.

“Because it's a preview,” Coal Beard grunted, settling uncomfortably into his seat. “Preview performances are always free admission.”

“Only for relatives if I remember correctly,” Day Grass huffed, sitting back in his chair.

“Lucky for us, my niece is in the play,” Coal Beard replied.

“Lucky indeed,” Day Grass snorted. “Right. I haven’t seen a good play since that puppet theater closed down 30 years ago.”

“Yes,” Coal Beard agreed. “There have been some pretty shoddy shows lately.”

“I’ve never seen MacH-” Day Grass’s mouth was suddenly full of Coal Beard’s hoof.

“Don’t. Say. The name.” Coal Beard warned sharply. Day Grass blinked at his old friend.

“Maiy?” came Day Grass’s muffled question.

“Just don’t.” Coal Beard removed his hoof from Day Grass’s mouth.

“...What should I call him then?” Day Grass asked.

“Mack.”

“...Right...”

The pair fell silent in lieu of watching the play. Three female ponies dressed as griffons ’flapped’ their way down to the stage. Upon landing, they wove around each other, speaking of the battle in progress and the coming of MacHawk to the heath. Their prophetic dirge complete, they scattered, leaving the stage in a flurry of thunder claps and lighting effects.

“Who’s your niece playing?” Day Grass asked, eyes locked on the reddening of the stage. Sounds of battle built to a crescendo in the background.

“Clawmaiden to Lady Mack,” Coal Beard replied. The crescendo breached and so too did the players, falling out from both wings of the stage to charge at each other. Each side bore a banner in their midst, both depicting griffon claws and wings. One however held a sun in its grip while the other clasped an interwoven knot. Battle ensued as the two sides ‘fought’ for dominance over the other.

Day Grass blinked. “Isn’t that Rockhoof’s flank mark?” the dark coated stallion asked.

“On MacDonwing’s banner? Yes. Shudderstick did take inspiration from the Northern Tribes that existed back in the day,” Coal Beard explained.

Day Grass hummed and shrugged. The group of actors playing MacDonwing’s forces broke and fled, prompting Dunclaw’s forces to let out cries of victory, throwing taunts and jeers at the backs of the routed army. A large pegasus strode onstage, brown wings stretched high to show his coat of arms emblazoned on his body: a large sun over crossed wings.

“Celestia’s Sun. Interesting,” Coal Beard muttered.

“Something the matter?” Day Grass whispered, one eye on his friend and the other on the stage where Dunclaw was speaking to his troops with his two sons.

“Whoever ran costumes on this thing has got some stones to them,” Coal Beard snorted.

“How so?”

Coal Beard waved Day Grass’s question away with a hoof. “Give it a moment. You’ll get it,” the old stallion replied vaguely. Day Grass huffed, returning his attention to the stage. An injured ‘griffon’ had limped up to Dunclaw and his sons, and was conveying the achievements and accolades of MacHawk and his friend, Beakquo.

“I was hoping they’d gone with a name like Banqwark,” Day Grass snorted. “But Beakquo works too.”

Coal Beard rolled his eyes at the stag. “You do remember that this play is several centuries old, right? They can’t go changing names. Just like the Celestia motif isn’t something that Shudderstick thought of back then.” Day Grass blinked.

“Costuming isn’t dictated by the writer?” the larger stallion asked.

Coal Beard glared at him. “We’ve been friends nearly our entire lives. How could you think that costuming is all period based? Each production is a new take. No two productions are the same.”

“Huh,” Day Grass grunted. “What do you call the puppet shows with the same costuming?”

“Format skits,” was Coal Beard’s prompt reply.

“Huh.” Day Grass blinked at the stage. The witches were back and Dunclaw and his forces had departed. A dull drum sounded above them and the witches spoke.

“A drum, a drum! MacHawk doth come!” They scattered again, but stay on stage, only seeing fit to hide from MacHawk and Beakquo entering from the lobby, walking through the house to the stage.

Day Grass blinked again. “A moon?” He turned to Coal Beard. “Am I missing something?”

“Yes.” The short stallion didn’t elaborate on his answer. Day Grass harrumphed and turned back to the stage where MacHawk was being swarmed by the witches that told him he’d be Lord of Griffis, Cawdor, and then, King of Griffonstone. Then Beakquo stepped up, laughing at MacHawk’s expression of surprise and fear.

“Good griff, why do you start and seem to fear things that do sound so fair? In th’ name of truth, are ye fantastical? Or that indeed which outwardly ye show? My noble partner you greet with present grace and great prediction, of noble having and of royal hope that he seems rapt withall. To me you speak not. If you can look into the seeds of time and say which grain will grow and which will not, speak then to me. Who neither beg nor fear your favours nor your hate.”

A trio of ‘hail’s erupted from the witches who then proclaimed that Beakquo would be father to a line of kings. MacHawk bade them remain to tell him more of their prophetic viewings and chased the three witches across the stage, yelling as he ran. But before he could reach them, they vanished one by one.

“Nice use of magic for practical effects,” Day Grass commented.

“Indeed,” Coal Beard agreed. “Certainly a taxing activity, but doable with a unicorn of reasonable magical aptitude.”

“I must say, I’m surprised at the lack of pegasi performing,” Day Grass mused. “I’d have thought that, considering the source material, more winged ponies would be better casting choices. One would have less wing prosthetics to deal with and there’d be fewer flying harnesses.”

“The reasoning is indeed sound,” Coal Beard agreed, “but with magic and practical methods of flinging young ponies around, not much is impossible any longer. And it opens up for a wider range of actors. Not all pegasi are great at acting.”

Day Grass hummed, nodding along with the old earth pony’s words. “Makes sense to me.”

The pair were silent as they watched MacHawk receive his second fiefdom from Talonx and Roc.

“What’s your opinion on prophecy?” Day Grass asked. “Do you believe that…” he hesitated. “Mack is buying into the Witches’ words too much?”

Coal Beard scoffed. “We live in a world of magic,” the stallion replied. “When are there not prophecies?” He shrugged. “I think that prophecies are things that ponies will try to enact if it's in their favor, making them scrutinize the tiniest of worthless details to pull forth a solitary piece of meaning. Or… they’ll try to prevent it from occurring, wasting years of their life to avoid an unsavory outcome.”

“One often meets their destiny on the road they take to avoid it,” Day Grass agreed. “If they are taken in by a prophecy, they may not bring it to fruition in the fashion they were hoping.”

“Indeed. In lieu of your second question, I don’t think that Mack has completely bought in to what the Witches have proposed. Both Beakquo and him are being played as very skeptical of the Witches’ words, which I believe is excellent. The actors can develop their characters as the play goes.”

A royal fanfare bugelled from backstage, leading Dunclaw, his sons, and his coterie to enter. MacHawk, Beakquo, Talonx, and Roc knelt before their king. Dunclaw quickly greeted MacHawk and Beakquo, thanking and praising them for their defeat of the Northern Lord that had joined in MacDonwing’s rebellion against Griffonstone and its allies. All seemed well for the assembled lords, until Dunclaw declared Malcon the Prince of Corvierlund and his heir. MacHawk hesitantly applauded along with the rest of the coterie.

“This is where Mack starts questioning the prophecy, huh?” Day Grass asked.

“Not exactly,” Coal Beard replied as Dunclaw walked over to MacHawk, declaring that they would celebrate at MacHawk’s castle.

“Does he start planning something? Like offing Malcon?”

“...”

“You aren’t going to tell me, are you?”

“No.”

Day Grass sighed and shook his head. “Why haven’t I ever gone to see shows with you?”

“Because you’re busy lecturing about science and have no time to come with me,” Coal Beard snipped back.

A cry of joy interrupted the pair of ponies. Lady MacHawk dashed across the stage into her husband’s hooves and greeted him happily. Husband and wife shared a heartfelt reunion that turned hurried upon MacHawk’s telling of the king’s approach to their castle. Lady MacHawk was surprised for merely a moment before settling in to be hostess, chiding MacHawk and urging him to let her take care of the banquet for King Dunclaw. With a last second word of advice for MacHawk to ‘only look up clear’, they left the stage separately to prepare for the coming feast.

“Is the passage of time difficult to convey in stage productions?” Day Grass asked.

“Yes,” Coal Beard replied immediately.

Day Grass blinked. “Really?”

“Yes,” Coal Beard repeated. He looked aside at the brown stallion. “Have you been to one of those new moving picture halls recently?”

Day Grass frowned. “No… Should I have?”

Coal Beard turned back to the stage where Dunclaw was entering the MacHawk castle. “It's a new method of storytelling. I’m sure your science buddies will hear about it when it hits the mainstream.”

“Oi~!” Day Grass hissed.

“That aside, a play or stage production can have some difficulty in conveying the passage of time,” Coal Beard continued. “One can only change costumes and makeup so fast, and magic isn’t always the best solution. The original text for the Griffon Play is unclear in the duration of the tale. But, logically, the story of Mack seems to progress over the course of several months. Not necessarily something that can easily be conveyed.”

“And your point is?” Day Grass prompted.

“Time in written works and moving pictures is more readily quantified,” Coal Beard said. “Breaks in chapter or captions on a screen can easily tell a pony how much time has elapsed since the previous scene.” He gestured to the stage where MacHawk was wrestling with a wine bottle. “Here, only dialogue can assist you in keeping track of the hours.”

Day Grass stared at his friend for some time while Lady MacHawk entered and started arguing with her husband. As the two pointed and counterpointed each other’s argument, Day Grass snorted.

“You were always one for eloquence,” he chuckled, turning his full attention to the stage.

“I am settled, and bend up each corporal agent to this terrible feat. Away, and mock the time with fairest show: false face must hide what the false heart doth know,” spoke MacHawk.

After MacHawk and Lady MacHawk exited and while the audience was applauding, a voice sounded from a box across the theater from Day Grass and Coal Beard.

“This show is gonna be murder!” Antler called, shaking irritably.

“For the players?” Waldwarf asked.

“For me!”

“DOHOHOHO~!”

Coal Beard groaned. “Uugh. This is going to be a long show...”

* * *

“Where is he?!” Twilight demanded, blazing into the near empty theater lobby. Only a few volunteers were present cleaning up the lobby and concession stands. The ponies looked up in surprise and confusion, exchanging worried looks.

“Who?” one of the volunteer ponies asked.

“Discord! Where is he?!” the princess elaborated.

“Uhm… Up talking with the producer I think,” another pony replied, gesturing to the stairwell marked with a plaque reading ‘Crew Access Only’.

Twilight magicked the door to the stairwell open and ran up the steps, ignoring the squawks of warning from the ponies behind her. Her flight paused only briefly as she slammed open door after door, deaf to the cries of outrage as she interrupted the theater crew winding down from the first weekend of shows. Her incensed rampage increased in fervor the longer her quarry eluded her.

Twilight bashed open one more door, took a swift look inside, saw Discord standing across from a green and purple earth pony, and slammed the door back shut. She took two steps away from the door, only to balk. Eyes twitching, she slowly opened the door again and peered inside. Both the green earth pony and Discord were staring at her in surprise at her sudden appearance.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” the green earth pony greeted, inclining his head to her. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Twilight’s response was impeded by the arrival of several crew ponies voicing their grievances irritably and loudly for all to hear.

“Sir, she shouldn’t-”

“This is a restricted-”

“Crew only-”

“Clearly stated on the door-”

“Busts in here-”

“No regard for us-”

“Throw her-”

“Enough.”

All the crew ponies fell silent, watching the green earth pony as he stepped out from behind his desk. Twilight tried to edge herself out of the group only to be pulled forward by the green pony.

“Please, forgive me,” he said to the crew ponies. “I forgot to let you all know that Princess Twilight would be coming by this afternoon for a little chat. It seems I was also remiss in reminding the princess that I would be down in the lobby when I finished meeting with Discord.” He turned to the purple alicorn and raised his eyebrows. “My apologies.”

Twilight blinked once and nodded in agreement. “Apology accepted,” she said. “I ask that you accept my apology as well for causing such a ruckus in my arrival. I’ve had a pretty rough day and my anger got the better of me.” She turned to the crew ponies and bowed her head. “Please forgive me.”

Twilight kept her head bowed, waiting for a response. The green colt beside her coughed once and the crew ponies said, “we forgive you, Princess Twilight.” A frown creased her still bowed face. In harmony? Seriously?

“Thank you, all,” the green colt said, stepping forward to herd the crewmembers out of the office. “The Princess, Discord, and I have much to discuss.” Muttering abounded as the ponies left, shutting the door gently behind them. Once the bolt clicked, the green colt whirled around.

“Discord, what did you do?” he snapped. The draconequus gaped, reeling back from the now heated earth pony.

“What did I do?” Discord said, clearly distraught. “How could you ask such a question of your loyal director?”

“Easily! Shall I list the facts?” the colt barked. He held up his right hoof. “One: Twilight is here!” He sat on his haunches and raised his left hoof. “Two: you’re here!” He dropped his hooves to the floor and stomped up to the draconequus. “Convinced?”

“Not really,” Discord responded, crossing paw under claw. “Honestly, I haven’t done anything this time!”

“Oh really?” Twilight demanded. Her magic glowed about her horn and a newspaper popped into existence on the desk behind them. “This article in the Manehatten Times says otherwise!”

“Ooooh! Newspaper article!” the colt and Discord chorused. Twilight gaped as the pair dove for the paper.

“I think you’re both missing the point here,” she stated, watching the two open the paper for both of them to read the article.

“Aww piss biscuits,” the colt groaned. “The Oceaners lost again. Gosh darnit.”

“Honestly, I wish Waters Sun was still making comics,” Discord bemoaned, tossing the paper down onto the floor. “Equestria is lesser without him.”

One of Twilight’s eyes twitched as she glared at the pair of idiots before her. She stomped over to the fallen paper, eyeing the green colt. “Who are you again?” she asked.

The colt looked up at her for a split second, then rolled his eyes. “Obviously, you didn’t look at the name on my door when you came barging in.” He straightened and inclined his head. “Purple Patches at your service. I’m the humble producer of the Errant Drapes Company.”

“Aha,” intoned Twilight. Patches frowned.

“You haven’t any idea what I do, huh?” he asked.

“Nope,” Twilight answered, paging through the paper.

Patches sighed. “I sign the paperwork. And give the go-ahead on productions. And work with investors or donations.”

“He asked me to-” Discord mouth was muffled by Twilight shoving the newspaper in his face.

“Read,” Twilight ordered.

Discord plucked the paper from her grip, cleared his throat, perched a pair of reading glasses on his nose, and looked at the paper intently.

“Written by Testament Shudderstick well before any readers of this paper were born, it may be easy to assume that today’s article is a review of the aged texts that make up this classic work of the bard. However, the powers that be have decided that my skills as a BOOK critic would be best put to use by reviewing the latest interpretation of MacHawk to our local stage. Celestia willing, I will be discussing the merits of adding paprika to your hay fries by next week.”

Discord peered over the newspaper at Twilight. “So?” he drawled. “What’s got your tail in a twist?”

“Read paragraph four and five,” the purple alicorn indicated, pulling at her tail to get the snarls out of it.

Discord sighed and went back to reading.

“Perhaps most notably are the choices made for MacHawk himself. Under Discord’s supervision, the war hero turned mad king has been transformed into a figure not unlike that of our own Princess Luna. Whether this depiction comes from before Discord’s statuification or her more modern persona is unclear, although MacHawk’s descent into madness makes a good case for the former. Most interesting about this choice is the decision to clearly model King Dunclaw after Princess Celestia. It certainly puts MacHawk’s ascension to the throne in a new light.

“Other similar choices are scattered about the cast as well. Featherbane and Malcon have been reimagined as parallels to Princesses Cadenza and Sparkle respectively. If I were to make assumptions about this decision regarding character, the way I did in last week’s article on The Final Crystal Empire, this is a subtle jab at the Princesses due to both character’s relative uselessness after Dunclaw is removed from the picture. MacGruff stands out as well as a rather unsubtle allegory to Discord himself. The line ‘from my statuesque prison, untimely ripped’ comes and goes with all of the grace of a Sonic Rainboom.”

Discord blinked. “Ah.”

“‘Ah’ indeed,” Twilight echoed. “Care to explain all this imagery?”

Discord shrugged, grinning weakly. “A joke?” he tried. A halo popped up above his head. Twilight squinted at him and raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“A joke is when the Porter urinates onstage,” she replied. “Having the iconography of the Princesses of Equestria parallel a selection of nobles practicing regicide is lèse-majesté. Especially with you paralleling MacGruff.”

“Treason?!” Discord squawked, beak open wide in surprise. “Perish the thought, you fancy filly!”

“Excuse me,” Patches interjected, waving a hoof. “How is it treason? Does he hold loyalty of servitude to the Princesses?”

Twilight shook her head. “He doesn’t, but he is an ally of Equestria.”

“But this was just satire!” Discord said defensively. He snapped a claw and a small pamphlet appeared in his grasp. “I even made a disclaimer in the show’s program!”

Twilight snatched the program with her magic and flipped it open. “This performance is a product of fiction. Any correlation to ponies living or dead is completely coincidental.” She glared at Discord. “This disclaimer is for when a character matches with a real pony. Not a similarity in iconography.”

She threw the pamphlet onto the desk and pulled out a scroll and quill. “What you’ve done could be any number of things: conspiracy, defamation, malfeasance, sedition-”

“Schadenfreude?” Discord supplied. “Schmeckledorf?”

“Those aren’t even words,” Twilight snapped, “but I agree with you.”

“So what you’re saying,” Patches interjected again, “is that he should take a leave of absence for the foreseeable future? Until the dissent from the play’s reception dies down?”

Twilight hesitated, brow furrowing as she pondered her options. After a moment of rumination, she slowly nodded. Discord’s eyes popped out in surprise.

“You can’t be serious,” he gasped, falling to his knees. He pawed around, searching for his loose eyeballs, mouth agape. “What could have caused this reaction?”

Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “With three colts scattered across Equestria doing Celestia knows what, I can’t have you causing any distractions.” She looked at Patches. “I’m sorry for taking your director away from you. You have to-”

Patches waved a dismissive hoof and sighed. “I understand just fine. If it were somepony else, this might have had a different outcome. With Discord however, this is the best option short of imprisoning him again.” The green earth pony stepped around his desk to stand beside Discord. “I suggest you listen to the Princess, Discord. I’d hate for you to be imprisoned again. Despite your choices of costuming, you run a tight ship.” The colt offered his hoof.

The draconequus took the proffered limb and shook firmly. “Keep me in mind for next season,” he said. He turned to see Twilight walking towards the door. “Princess Sparkle, am I allowed to say goodbye to Fluttershy? I don’t want her to get worried.”

Twilight paused in the doorway to look over her shoulder at the downtrodden Discord. She gave a solemn nod of acquiescence and then departed, clicking the door gently shut behind her. Discord stood, nodded once to Purple Patches and popped away, leaving the producer alone in his office. The green earth pony stood in silence for a solid minute before the green in his coat leached away in favor of purple. Purple Heart grinned widely as one more piece was removed from the board.

* * *

Purple Heart waved again as another crew member passed him on their way out of the house. Cleanup had just finished during his conversation with Discord and Twilight’s surprise visit and subsequent banishment of the draconequus. The purple earth pony didn’t restrain the urge to laugh and promptly let loose a booming chortle that echoed around the now-empty house. Things had gone better than he’d planned. Originally, he’d thought to have Discord framed for some act of chaos against the Mane Six to get the entity deported or imprisoned. However, such a nefarious affair hadn’t been needed, thanks to a little leftover angst in the mismatched chaos god. Truly, he wouldn’t have minded blackmailing Discord with a little controlled framing, but the smaller, simpler schemes worked so much better and yielded results that left him completely in the clear. Nearly.

Purple Heart shook his head, dismissing such thoughts from his mind. He looked at the stage and sighed wistfully. In another time, he would have proudly stepped on stage to perform for the public at large. But, somepony needed to pull the strings behind the scenes. And he had just the skillset to do it.

“I must say, as much of a pleasure as it is to see you in another Macbeth play, I’m a little disappointed.” Light Patch said, standing next to Purple Heart. “And it’s such a wonderful variant too.”

Purple Heart blinked and turned to the short grey pegasus. “Do I know you?” he fibbed, hoping against hope that he hadn’t actually heard those words correctly.

“Oh, we’re playing that little game. Well, in that case...” Before Purple Heart’s eyes, the figure was suddenly covered in a heavy, obscuring cloak that shrouded any and all discernable features. “Lets just say that I’m a party operating independent of your actions. I doubt we share the same goals but I… I...”

Light Patch violently ripped off the hood covering his head. “Holy crap, it’s too hot for this here! Don’t make me play this little game, PH!”

Purple Heart huffed, rolling his eyes. “Where have you been, Light? Haven’t seen you… since the Hydra, right?”

“Around. Seems like I’m able to tap into Pinkie’s powers a little. So I’ve just kinda been popping around and seeing what’s what. That and occasionally annoying Twilight. Thought you’d be happy to hear about that,” Light Patch said, lazily checking a pocket watch.

Purple Heart snorted, letting loose a bark of laughter. “Ahh, anything that annoys the princess makes me happy,” he chortled. “Dunno about you, but she was a right berk to me during the ‘Friendship Lessons’. Did she make you take those?”

“I got ponynapped by Applejack as a part of those… failed too.” He frowned, putting away the pocket watch. “She had us all go through them, I suspect. Some kind of test or anti-boredom measure I think. Of course, all until she drove the three of us up the walls and out of the castle.”

“Yeh, she certainly pushed my buttons,” Purple Heart agreed. “Apparently, during the cross over from the Equestria Girls verse, I somehow learned how to use magic.” The colt snorted derisively. “Clearly, she’s never tried to make a Quality Miracle build before. It just isn’t possible. Regardless, my having magic fascinated her so much that she decided I was going to be her new experiment. So I thought, ‘if she’s gonna treat me this way, why don’t I act like it’ and promptly scarpered from the castle. As you can see, my plans have progressed rather well.” He gestured to the empty set on stage.

“Your evil plan is a play… about how mean she is? That's a little weak isn’t it? I was hoping for some grand spectacle of a rip roaring rampage to watch. At least Minty Witty seems to be building up to something interesting,” Light Patch answered, throwing his hooves out in a sweeping gesture.

“This is hardly an allegory for Princess Twilight being mean!” Purple Heart sniped heatedly. “Sure, it got her minorly skeeved, but that wasn’t the main goal of this enterprise!” A wide grin stretched the purple colt’s lips as he looked at Light Patch. “I got Discord out of the way.” A giggle snuck from Purple Heart’s mouth as the colt walked toward the stage.

He turned back to Light Patch, body shaking with mirth. “I wanted to get back at Discord for yanking us around at the beginning of this,” he guffawed, “show him what it's like to be the puppet for a change. I prodded here and there, nudging him into a place where I could capitalize on him simply being himself.” He giggled again. “I was planning on blackmailing him or framing him to get him out of the way, but then Princess Twilight showed up with all her righteous indignation and told him to leave!” Another giggle wracked the purple earth pony’s body and he leaned against the front of the stage to keep upright. With a sigh, he looked at Light Patch once more.

“For all the simplicity of my plan,” he said cheerfully, “it got the job I wanted done.” He paused, taking a few breaths to calm his heart. “How’s about you? How goes your little plan, if I may be so bold to ask?”

“Swimmingly. Mostly because I don’t have a plan. I’ve sworn off having a plan. I am strictly neutral… Well, mostly neutral. I may have helped you and Wits when Twilight pushed one button too many. But aside from that, I’m simply here to watch this all unfold. To put it in theater terms, I’m just a member of the audience,” the pegasus said, sitting in the air with a bag of popped corn.

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the floating pony. “The neutral party, huh?” he hummed. “No plan to speak of either.” He shrugged. “An unknown variable.” Purple Heart walked forward and patted Light’s shoulder with a hoof. “Then, my friend, I must insist that you enjoy the show.”

“Oh, I plan too. Speaking of enjoying the show, I have a small proposal for you and Wits. I’ll be sending an invitation to our other friend just after this. Here’s yours.” He held out a large stamp. “You can use that to get to the location, if you choose to hear me out.”

Purple Heart took the stamp with a hoof, frowning skeptically at Light. “How does it work?” he asked.

“It’s easy. First, you get a box.” Light Patch held up a box that hadn’t been there moments ago. “Then you lick the stamp and place it on the box. Then stand in the box and it will be delivered to the location. And I promise to not smash you with a hammer upon arrival....” Light Patch paused. “Well... I probably won’t anyway. This has been fun, but I’ve got a minty fresh villain in training to send an invite to before I can answer some more of the fandom’s greatest questions.”

Purple Heart chuckled and walked back to the stage, waving the stamp above his head. “I’ll keep that in mind, Yzma. Just don’t turn me into a llama.”

Light Patch shrugged, crossing his hooves behind his head as he floated on his back. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, popping away from the theater.

Purple Heart looked back into the house when he heard the soft ‘pop’. He snorted, looking down at the stamp marked with an image of a spinach puff.

“Wonder which shoulder he was supposed to be on,” he mused softly.

Chapter 18: Are You… A Real Villain?

Trixie closed the door of her wagon-slash-dressing room behind her with a sigh. “Great,” she muttered, “now Trixie needs a hooficure before her next show.” She looked across at the pony seated at her table. “You’re still here?”

“I went out for a walk,” Wits replied, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Stopped by a library not owned by the Princess of Friendship. Did you know Equestria averages 37 villain attacks per year?”

“I did not.”

“Roughly 80% of them end in reformation. Better odds than I’d expected, to be honest.”

“Fascinating.” Trixie hung her hat on a peg by the door. “What’re you eating?”

“Cheeseburger.” Wits swallowed his bite. “Got it from that Griffon stall in the market.”

“Smells good. What’s in it?”

Wits stared down at the burger in his hooves for a few seconds. “So, did Twilight suspect anything?”

Trixie fluffed her mane with one forehoof. “Of course not. Trixie is an excellent actor. They never suspected a thing.”

“And you made sure the map stayed sabotaged?”

“I hardly had to. Whatever your friend did to it was putting up quite the struggle. Fortunately, I made sure to ‘lose’ in a sufficiently dramatic fashion. Now the Elements are off looking for some local versions of something or other.” Trixie took a seat across from Wits. “Do you want to know where your friends are?”

Wits took another bite of burger, chewing it slowly as he thought. “Not yet. If one of them is hiding us from the girls, there’s a good chance they’re hiding us from each other too.” He shrugged. “Not to worry. I’m sure the plot will bring us together when it’s ready.”

Trixie shrugged. “Suit yourself. Then what’s next? Where is the Trixie Express going today?”

“Twilight’s castle.”

“...Trixie was just at Twilight’s castle.”

“Yes, but the rest of the girls were there as well.” Wits set his burger on his plate, cleaning his mouth and hooves with a napkin. “They’ve split up to go looking for something, right? That means that, at most, there’s Twilight, Spike, and Starlight in there. Much better odds for sneaking around than a castle full of Mystery Inc.”

Trixie shrugged. As her horn glowed, the dark clouds of a portal began to form next to Wits End. “Anyplace in particular?”

“The library. Wait, no. Twilight’s room. I want to talk to someone first.” Wits stood, dropping his napkin on the table. “I’ll let you know when to bring me back.” As he stepped through the portal, he waved a forehoof. “And don’t touch my burger while I’m gone.”

* * *

Wits appeared next to Twilight’s canopy bed. “Room service?” he asked quietly as he snuck across the floor. “That’s a nice change. Let’s see here...” Half a dozen glowing hands appeared around him, each one zipping off to a corner of the room. “That should be enough to find a book or two. Now just to wait for-” He was cut off by one hand returning with a hardcover journal adorned by a red and orange sun. “Huh. Thought that’d take longer.”

After hopping backwards onto Twilight’s bed, Wits began flipping through the journal. “Ah, Twilight’s greatest success story. Dear Princess Celestia,” he read under his breath. “Yadda yadda yadda… Dazzlings are taking over the school… A lot to learn about friendship… Three guys from another world… Ah, here’s the last entry. Now I just need a pen...” Another pair of hands zipped over, a quill and ink at the ready. “Alright, let’s see if she’s home. Dear… Sunset… Shimmer… Did you miss me?”

A few seconds passed as Wits watched the ink dry. Just when he was about to close the book on his plan, two words appeared below his.

Light Patch?

Wits blinked. “Li- What? No! Does that really look like something he’d write?” He groaned as he wrote. “No, it’s Wits End. I’m so glad you recognized me immediately.”

What are you doing with the journal?! Sunset’s reply came quickly. Are you back in Twilight’s castle?

After a quick glance around Twilight’s room, Wits returned his attention to the book. “In a sense,” he muttered as he wrote. “I want to talk to you about something.”

There was a moment of hesitation before Sunset’s writing returned. You’re not actually back, are you? You just stole the journal from Twilight.

“Ouch,” Wits said as he stood, bringing the book with him to Twilight’s writing desk. “I’m not planning on leaving with it, so it’s not technically stealing.”

What do you want to ask, then?

“When you were a villain, what was your plan?”

A longer hesitation this time. The words 'I don’t want' appeared on the page for a moment before being erased. Finally, Sunset’s response started again. I wanted to take over Equestria.

“That seems to be going around. Why did you want to do that?”

Because I was angry. Angry at Princess Celestia for not trusting me. So first I ran away, and then I started planning my revenge. Sound familiar?

Wits frowned. “I’m not looking for revenge.”

Twilight made it sound like you were committing pretty hard to the villain thing.

“Good, that was kinda the goal. Besides, I have an endgame in all of this.” He paused. Let’s plant some seeds, shall we? he thought. “After you took over Equestria, what was your plan?”

In the moment before Sunset’s response, a flash of light caught Wits’ attention. He looked towards it to find a blue wormhole floating a few feet away. On the other side of the wormhole was a pair of purple-coated stallions: Purple Heart, and Purple Heart. “Wits End?” the two of them asked.

Wits blinked. “Wha-” Before he could finish, the portal snapped shut again, and he found himself staring at blank space. He gestured with one forehoof to where the wormhole had been. “What the flank was that?”

More confused than he had been before, Wits turned back to read Sunset’s reply. I didn’t have a plan. I was angry, and all I wanted to do was hurt the one I was angry at. If Celestia saw me leading an army to defeat her, I knew it would hurt her whether I succeeded or not.

“Sounds like you got some professional help,” Wits muttered, the floating hands writing down his words once again.

Friendship is Therapy, came Sunset’s reply. ...Who are you trying to hurt, Wits?

“No-one,” he said quickly.

Then what are you running from?

Wits hesitated. As he did, Sunset’s reply continued. I’m here if you need me, Wits. That’s what friends are for.

After a moment, Wits sighed. “Maybe I’m not running from something. Maybe I’m trying to run to it. Just gotta put my best effort into falling so I can come back up again.”

That seems very deep, but did you have to write *sighs* back there?

Wits stared at the page, then at the magical hand taking notation. “Really? What are we, 13 years old in a chatroom? Leave out the narrative details, and just write what I say!” He sighed and, after checking to make sure that exhalation wasn’t recorded on the page, continued dictating. “Thanks, Sunset. You’re the first one I’ve talked to who gave me some actual insight. Let Twilight know I’ll return the book when I’m done with it. Less than three!”

Return what book? Wits, what are you- The journal slammed shut as Wits turned away from the desk. Behind him, one of the hands was holding a large hardcover tome. “Ah, perfect.” He grabbed the book and looked over the cover. “Good ol’ Tomb of Horses. I’ve been wanting to see what we missed.” He snapped the fingers of one of the magical hands, and vanished through Trixie’s portal.

* * *

The Tomb of Horses landed on Trixie’s table with a heavy thud. She looked up from her seat with a bemused expression. “All that for a nerd’s roleplaying book?” she asked.

“And a phone book,” Wits replied. “Where’s the rest of my burger?”

“Back in its burg?” Trixie stifled a burp. “So, is this another artifact of incredible power? Like the helmet?”

“More like a playbook. Discord might be a hack writer, but I’m hoping to crib some of his highlights.” Wits rolled his shoulders. “Now, there’s a couple more villains I wanna talk to before the day is over. I need some ‘what not to do’ examples. Who do you like more: Chrysalis or Tirek?”

Trixie sucked in air through her teeth. “Is neither an option? Was Sombra busy or something?”

“Is he back? I haven’t been up on recent events.”

“That was sarcasm. You should write off Tirek, though.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”

“Because Trixie can’t get you into Tartarus. There’s laws against it, which are backed up by magic from the Princesses themselves. You try to teleport in there and…” Fireworks shot out from the mare’s horn, sending multicolored sparks into the air.

“Nice visual aid,” Wits muttered.

“Trixie is a great performer.”

“So what about Chrysalis? Any spells keeping you from zapping me over to her?”

“Not magic, no. But no-pony knows where she is.” Trixie hesitated. “Although…”

“Although what?”

“Starlight had a theory that she was probably still close to the Crystal Empire, since her hive had to have had time to set up before Princess Cadence’s marriage.” Trixie frowned as she pondered. “It narrows it down, but not much…”

Wits grinned. “Actually, that narrows it down a lot. Now all we need is a map of the area under the Crystal Empire.”

“Under? Why under?”

“So we can find the scariest cave entrance, of course.”

* * *

The buzzing of insectoid wings echoed through the tunnels, drowning out the whistle of the winter winds outside the cave mouth. A dozen Changeling drones carried a wrought iron cage by way of two poles, six Changelings to a side, walking in lockstep. One stumbled on the uneven surface of the cavern floor, setting the cage rattling. Inside the metal bars, something glowed an ominous and sickly pink.

A hiss from deeper within the cave brought the Changelings to a sudden halt. Two glowing green points emerged from the darkness, forming into slitted eyes as the regal and tattered Changeling queen emerged. “Idiots!” she spat with a glare. “Be careful with that Misplacer Beast! Agitate it, and we’ll never find it again!”

One tense moment later, and the glow dissipated. Rather than a sigh of relief, Queen Chrysalis let out a low snarl as her gaze ran over the drones. “Put it in my chambers. And carefully! Or all of you will be out in that blizzard looking for lost ponies to use as rations. Understood?”

The drones nodded shakily, hefting the cage again and heading deeper into the cavern; Chrysalis looming behind them all the while. It was only once the iron casket was set on the stone floor before the queen’s throne that they let out a collective sigh. Chrysalis slunk to her throne, sitting on it like a snake on a clutch of eggs. “Get out,” she hissed, and the drones happily obliged.

Once she was alone, Chrysalis allowed herself a sigh. “I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“Aww, he’s a cute one, innit he?”

Chrysalis’ head snapped up to see a mint-colored unicorn crouched in front of the iron cage, making cooing noises at the creature inside as a small, spiked tentacle batted at his hoof.

“Get away from that!” she barked. “How did you find this place?”

“Oh come on, not even a little impressed that I found your little hidey-hole?” Wits stood, brushing the cave dust off of himself in the process. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on telling anyone about Chateau de Skull Head. I’ve just got a few questions.”

“I don’t answer questions,” Chrysalis spat. “I ask them. Who are you?”

Wits blinked. “Oh, right, you’re the first one I’ve talked to who didn’t already know me. Gosh, I have so many joke names I could use to answer that question. How about Outis? Or Nemo? Perhaps Nopony?”

“Enough!” Chrysalis slithered off of her throne, drawing herself up to her full height as she stood in front of the smaller stallion. “You will answer me, or you will feed my hive. Is that understood?”

“Instructions unclear, but I’ll do my best.” Wits bowed his head for a moment. “Wits End, Equestria’s newest up-and-coming villain. I would say ‘at your service’, but my research says that villains in this world don’t really do ‘serving’. Can I ask something now?”

“No. What are you doing in this place?”

“Trying to ask a couple questions. Apparently that’s harder than I was expecting.”

Chrysalis glared at him. “Did Sparkle send you here?”

“What, Twilight?” Wits brushed a mote of dust from his foreleg. “We’re not really on speaking terms right now, ya’know?” He held up his hoof before the Changeling queen could speak. “Look, I clearly got in here on my own without any of your drones or whatever knowing, and I can get back out the same way. If you want me to stick around and keep answering your questions, you’re gonna have to answer some of mine. Otherwise, I might just go let a couple of Princesses know where to point the bug spray.”

The queen hissed, but did not move. “Fine,” she growled. “One last question then. For now.”

Wits rolled his eyes. “Knock yourself out.”

“What did Sparkle do to you?”

“Nothing. I’ve always been this handsome.”

“To turn you against her, fool.”

“Oh.” The stallion thought for a moment. It’s not like Twilight would ever believe anything Chrysalis says, let alone believe her. “She trusted me. And then she stopped trusting me.”

“So you seek revenge?”

“Why does everyone go straight to revenge? On the contrary, I’m trying to get that trust back.”

Chrysalis scoffed. “By destroying everything she knows and loves?”

“Wow, projection much? No, by being a pain in her flank and then letting her beat me. Awesome Reformations Done Quick, right here.”

“Hmm. Seems like a waste of effort to me.”

“Only if you think winning means victory.” Wits shook his head, leaning one hoof against the iron cage. “I’d like to ask my questions now.”

Chrysalis growled. “Fine. Go on.”

“Thank you. So, what motivates you?”

“Revenge.”

“Gosh, what a surprise. Revenge against who?”

“Sparkle. Cadenza. Armor.” Chrysalis spat each name as if it left a foul taste in her maw. “The rest of the Elements. And their friends. The two Sisters. Equestria as a whole, but the Crystal Empire in particular.”

Wits End whistled. “You must get up very early in the morning.”

“You asked.”

“Fair enough. So what’s your plan?”

Chrysalis chuckled. “Do you really think I would tell you that? You’re planning on running back to Sparkle with your tail between your legs.”

“I mean… I guess that’s a good point. Okay, broad strokes then.”

The queen pondered his question for a moment. “Get rid of Sparkle and her friends first,” she said slowly. “Then Cadenza and Armor, and take over the Empire. From there, the Sisters and the rest of Equestria.”

“And then?”

Chrysalis grinned with a mouth full of needle-like teeth. “Then I rule my hive, and the rest of the world trembles. Is that enough of a plan for you?”

“Yeah, yep, that’ll do it.” Wits nodded approvingly. “Good first steps, nice follow-through, and a proper conclusion that leaves it open for a phase two. I like it.” Thin silvery wisps of magic wrapped their way up Chrysalis’ leg, sinking into her thorax and abdomen. “So, how’s this little guy in the cage fit in with that plan?”

Chrysalis stumbled and shook her head. “I…” After a moment, she regained her composure, smirking down at Wits as she circled him and the cage. “Ah, the Misplacer Beast? A most dangerous creature when properly motivated, to be sure. It hunts by slipping in and out of our world, and preys on that which ponies have lost. With the right… training,” her hoof landed on the cage with a rattle, “they can be turned into expert hunters of, say, Elements of Harmony.”

Wits glanced down into the cage. “What, so you’re gonna turn this sweet li’l boy into a hunter of ponies?”

“That is the idea, yes.”

“No offense, ‘cause that is a pretty good plan, but…”

Chrysalis snarled. “But what?”

“But, I mean, you’re a Changeling, right? Why not just sneak up behind them one by one and…” Wits mimed wrapping a length of wire around either forehoof, followed by drawing the imaginary wire around something just below head height and pulling back hard.

Chrysalis blinked. “Well... first of all, that’s horrifying.”

“Oh come on! You’re a villain!”

“With. Standards. I would take no pleasure in… that. I want to see the hope drain from their eyes, not the life. Their love would feed my hive for decades.”

“In which time they could take you down a hundred times, at least.” Wits rolled his eyes. “You’ve got the plan, but the chutzpah just ain’t there. Overly complicated plans have always been foiled by the right person in the wrong place.”

Chrysalis turned away from Wits with a growl. “And of the two of us, only one has done anything worthy of the title ‘villain’. I’m finished answering your questions.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.” A magical hand formed in the air next to him and snapped its fingers. In an instant, Chrysalis sunk to the floor, motes of pale white magic dissipating from her. A moment later, and a faint snore emanated from the queen of the Changelings.

With a chuckle, Wits summoned a few extra hands to lift her back onto her throne. “Sleep well, and dream of tall, holey princes.” He turned back to the cage, poking a hoof through the bars to stroke a line of barbs along a tentacle. “Now, how about you and me get out of this place? You ever had a burger, big guy?”

Chapter 19: Meanwhile, Somewhere in Equestria…

Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer sat on opposite ends of Twilight’s defunct map table, the former having arrived via magic mirror shortly after everypony had left. All small talk the two mares could have exchanged had been exchanged by that point, and they had settled into a vaguely uncomfortable silence as they waited.

A silence that was broken by Sunset. “Isn’t it weird how we all have similar name themes?”

Starlight blinked. “What.”

“Sunset Shimmer. Starlight Glimmer. Twilight Sparkle.” Sunset counted off on her hooves. “Do you think there was, like, an actor our parents liked around the time we were born who was named Noonday Light or something like that?”

“Where did this come from?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it over in the human world. What’d you think?”

Starlight was saved from trying to respond by the doors swinging open. “Oh thank Celestia,” she muttered, hopping down to meet the six Elements.

“I still simply cannot believe we missed the play!” Rarity was stating in a way that might have been misconstrued as whining. “Three times! It’s the talk of every town, and I can tell you for a fact that I’ll be getting requests to do some kind of dress based on it within the next week! How, exactly, am I supposed to do that without having seen it myself?”

“I said I’m sorry!” Twilight groaned. “I had to get Discord out of it before he got himself into real trouble, then no-pony knew where Purple Heart’s counterpart could be contacted, and then-”

“I was there, Twilight,” Rarity said plainly. “I was alleviating stress, not asking for a rehash of the explanation from the trainride in. At least we found Holdfast eventually.”

“Things are getting entirely too meta,” Starlight muttered.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What was that?”

“Nothing! Everything go well?”

Rainbow Dash shot overhead, landing lazily in a seat next to Sunset. “Three magical signatures in the bag. The toughest part was just finding the bruise’s little bro. Kid’s got a mouth on him, but we got him to help out eventually.” She jerked her head towards Fluttershy. “Guess the Stare works on wild beasts and teenagers, huh?”

Fluttershy mumbled something inaudible.

“You girls won’t BELIEVE what happened when we went to see Just Duty!” Pinkie proclaimed. “It all started with-”

“So what’s the plan?” Applejack interrupted, a little faster than what would be considered casual. “We got them Magical John Hoofcocks. What’d we do with’m?”

Starlight motioned over to the map. “Give them to me, and I’ll set up the map. I built on top of Trixie’s modifications to make it easier to enter them in.”

“Do you really think this is gonna work?” Sunset asked Twilight, while the rest of the mares gathered around Starlight. “I mean, this is one massive reach. The local versions of Holdfast and Officer- that is, Just Duty weren’t custom-built by Discord. And Purple Heart’s brother is a pretty big stretch from Bael.”

“We just need the baselines.” Twilight dropped into her seat with a sigh. “The villains were based on those boys to begin with, which means they should share a lot of the same markers. Getting the local versions is just a way to filter that out a bit. We cast a wide enough net, and we should be able to pick up at least a couple sets of signals: the original boys, their pony counterparts-”

“Their respective villains, and their counterparts too,” Sunset finished. “I get the theory, but after all the trouble we had getting them here, I’m finding it hard to believe this’ll work so easily.”

“It worked!” Starlight’s voice echoed in the small room. “Wow... that was easy.”

Sunset blinked. “I hate everything having to do with those boys.”

“You get used to it,” Twilight replied.

The map was flickering in and out, as if it was straining to keep the images together. Sure enough, there were a grand total of 12 Cutie Marks displayed. The assorted mares gathered around, looking the map over. “Okay,” Starlight said, “who do these all belong to?”

“Let’s start with the ones we know best,” Twilight said slowly, pointing her hoof at the symbols in turn. “Tree with hanging masks is Purple Heart, the two pieces of paper folded to become one is Light Patch, and the glove is Wits End.”

“Is that what that weird sock is called?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight ignored her and moved on. “I know the local versions of each of them from when I checked on them from the trouble with the Hydra.” She pointed to a theater mask, half laughing and half crying, “Purple Heart.” Next, a teapot with its spout over the handle, “Light Patch.” Finally, a cursive script struck through with a red line, “and Wits End.”

Rarity sniffed. “I don’t know what is going on with that teapot, but it’s certainly infuriating enough for Light Patch.”

“So that leaves six for the villains?” Applejack asked. “How’d we know which is which?”

“Well we know the local ones at least,” Twilight said. “And the ones I can recognize are similar enough that we can match them up.”

Applejack nodded. “Th’ shield with the scales comin’ out of it is th’ Paladin Just Duty’s.”

Pinkie perked up. “We know that ‘cause Applejack got-”

“Somepony please interrupt her.”

Rarity stepped up. “Well, the Holdfast we met had an eagle’s claw supporting two crowns… so I suppose the claw holding a single crown is the villain version.”

“That just leaves Bael and Heart Burn,” Sunset mused. “Which one seems more like him here? A purple tree with a sun and moon on either side? Or a green tree with a sun and moon on either side?”

“Green,” Rainbow Dash answered immediately. She blinked as the other mares stared at her. “What? Green strings, green flames, green monster. It’s kinda his thing.”

“Fair enough.” Sunset leaned on the edge of the map. “So now that that’s sorted out... How do we deal with this?”

The symbols were grouped in clusters about the map, with the majority centering on Snohomare, just east of Seabiscuit. Both versions of Purple Heart, along with Bael, were towards the middle of the town, with the local versions of Wits End and Heart Burn on opposite edges. The native version of Light Patch was a little past that, likely at his home-slash-office. Moving out further, the local versions of Just Duty and Holdfast were in Canterlot, with the remaining Wits End and Holdfast about halfway between the capital and Ponyville. Finally, the other Light Patch and Just Duty were in the Frozen North, north of the Crystal Empire.

“So,” Starlight said slowly, “that settles it, right? Your friends are working with the villains, and totally evil?”

“That doesn’t seem right,” Twilight muttered.

“Ah agree,” Applejack said with a nod. “Ah can’t imagine Wits and Holdfast bein’ in the same pasture without somepony gettin’ beat to high Tartarus.”

“And both versions of Purple Heart AND Bael in the same town?” Rarity scoffed. “There would hardly be a town left if that happened.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “No-pony has an objection to Light Patch and Just Duty being together?”

There was silence for a moment. “Nope,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Seems pretty in-character,” Twilight admitted.

“I ship it!” Pinkie chirped.

“Right, so if Purple Heart and Wits End would rather chew on nails rather than work with their villain counterparts and or vice versa,” Starlight asked ,”why are their marks displayed on top of each other?” She stared at the two overlapping marks that failed to make sense... to most of them anyway.

“What if they’re being held hostage?” Rainbow guessed aloud. “Or the villain’s have poisoned them and if they don’t cooperate they don’t get the antidote and will die?”

“Poison doesn’t really seem like Bael’s methodology,” Rarity replied, tapping her chin in thought. “And I suspect that Wits End would rather down a whole bottle of poison than be forced to work with Holdfast again, even under duress.”

“So if it’s not willing cooperation or unwilling cooperation, what is it then?” Rainbow shot back.

“Um... Maybe we should use Occrop’s Plow?” Fluttershy replied, earning questioning looks from several of those present.

“Much as I love the idea of farming being the solution here,” Applejack replied, “I don’t really see how some special plow and the pony who owns it is gonna help.”

“It’s not a real plow,” Twilight said flatly. “It’s a metaphorical plow.”

“What kinda plow is that?”

“No it’s- Forget the plow. It’s a saying coined by ponies when summing up Occrop’s thoughts.”

“Wait, you can own sayings now?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“...No, you can’t,” Twilight finally managed to say. “It means that sometimes the simplest solution is the true one. And what do you think is the simplest solution here, Fluttershy?”

“Well, if they aren’t working with them, willingly or unwillingly... Something is forcing them to work together. Maybe magic has tethered them in some way? Maybe it eve-” Fluttershy was cut off as the map flickered. Suddenly, it went black, followed shortly by a simple skull projecting from the map with a low-quality laughter sound.

Sunset frowned and then sighed with frustration as she stared at the map. “I’m really learning to hate Light Patch.”

“I barely get this reference, and it still makes me mad.” Starlight said before sighing, “I’ll go get Trixie. We’ll see what we can do to wrest control back… again.” She started to turn before freezing, as she was suddenly wearing sunglasses.

“I thought they might help,” Pinkie explained, prompting a laughing fit from Sunset. Starlight just shrugged and carried the two pairs of sunglasses as she left to find Trixie. Twilight simply turned to watch Sunset with a quirked eyebrow until the red-maned mare finished laughing.

“Oh wow... So this must be what it’s like being the only ones to get the reference,” Sunset said, trying to keep from laughing harder at all of the confused or annoyed faces. “You’ll figure it out when you invent computers.” She waved it all away with a hoof as she turned to Fluttershy. “What was that last thing you were gonna say?”

“Oh, uh... I was going to suggest that... maybe even the magic fused them, but thinking about it... If they were fused, wouldn’t their Cutie Marks fuse as well or something, rather than just layer on top of each other?”

Sunset’s smile turned to a frown. “That would make sense… but those three are humans. And humans don’t have Cutie Marks.”

Silence settled over the mares. After a moment, Rainbow Dash threw her forehooves into the air. “Did we just waste a whole day and learn nothing?”

Chapter 20: The Evil League of Evil

A sharp series of raps on Purple Heart’s door pulled the colt’s attention from the swing of his pendulum desk ornament.

“Come,” he ordered, without looking up.

The door swung open and a stagehoof peeked inside.

“Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt, but there’s a package in the workshop for you,” the pony called. Purple Heart flicked his eyes to the visitor for a second, then went back to peering at the figurine.

“Just bring it up to my office, please,” he requested.

The stage hoof winced. “Would if I could, sir,” they replied. “It's so big it won’t fit through any of the doors.” Purple Heart blinked, lifting a hoof to stop the pendulum’s kinetic motion, and pushed his seat back.

“Ah,” he hummed. “That package. I’ll be down promptly. Clear the workshop, would you please? I’m not sure how much of a mess this will make.”

The stage hoof started. “Mess, sir?”

Purple Heart, waving his hoof again. “It shouldn’t be too bad,” he soothed. “It depends on how violent the teleportation is.”

“Teleportation, sir?” the pony gaped. Purple Heart pulled open a drawer in his desk and pulled out the postage stamp he’d received from Light Patch.

“Goodness me, I think there’s a rather polite echo in this room,” he muttered, loud enough for the pony at his door to hear. “I must do something about that.”

The stage hoof gulped. “I’ll clear the workshop, sir!” he squeaked, darting from the doorway.

Purple Heart chuckled to himself and stepped out of the office, locking the door behind him. He strode down the hall, humming to himself and nodding to other crew members as he walked. He heard the sound of shuffling and shouting long before he reached the workshop where set pieces, costumes, and props were kept. He shoved the heavy double doors open and stepped into the shop. Ponies were walking to and fro before him, ignoring the stage hoof pleading that they leave the shop quickly.

Purple Heart watched this all for several seconds, an amused expression on his face. He stepped up next to the hapless stage hoof.

“I’ve always found that in situations like this, it's best to do one of two things,” he whispered, making the pony beside him jerk in surprise. “You either remain silent and wait for them to notice you.” He paused for a beat, waiting for just that to happen. After several seconds, he spoke again. “Or, you get their attention the old-fashioned way.”

He inhaled deeply, filling his chest with air.

“OI,” he boomed. All activity ceased and all eyes turned to the doorway. Purple Heart nudged the stage hoof beside him and grinned.

“It's all in the delivery,” he said, stepping forward. “If I could have the shop for a moment please? I need to check that box.” He pointed with a hoof at the tall package standing in a corner. “Give me a few moments and the shop will be yours again.” Purple Heart stepped forward and the crowd of set designers, stage hooves, actors, costumers, light technicians, and other ponies moved aside for the large earth pony to pass.

“Wot’s in da box?!” a pony demanded from the back of the shop.

Purple Heart rolled his eyes. “The name of a certain highlands play,” he called over his shoulder. “I may have t-” He looked over his shoulder to see the workshop empty, one of the double doors still swinging in the aftermath of the crews’ sudden flight. He chuckled again and looked at the tall box before him. A green thread stretched out from him and found the taped seam in the side of the box. With a sharp jerk, the two flaps swung open, allowing Purple Heart entry into the empty box. He pulled out the postage stamp from under his left leg and slapped it to the outside of the box with the same thread. With another jerk, the flaps shut and he settled in for the journey.

A minute passed.

Then two.

A frown creased Purple Heart’s brow and he poked at one of the flaps. The flap swung open to reveal a dark, stone walled basement who’s ceiling showed some signs of a fire and was lit by a few lamps strewn about.

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted. “Guess the transport was instantaneous.” He stepped out of the box, his hooves clopping on the rough hewn floor. Maps of different parts of Equestria lined the walls, illuminated by smaller lamps or even candles. Baelhart did a double take as he walked toward the center of the room where a triangular table stood. On one wall was a pixelated map of greens, blues, and strips of brown. Standing before the map, was a short pony. A unicorn.

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow as he sat, allowing some blue to leak into his mane. “It’s been a while,” he said. “How’ve you been, Wits?”

“Been better,” Wits said amicably. “I recently adopted a stray. Turns out I’m allergic to tentacle-cats that eat socks out of the dryer before you can get to them.” He leaned against the closest chair. “And my faithful assistant ate my burger, and gave me a lecture when I told her what was in it. Not to mention,” he gestured to the room around them, “this aesthetic totally clashes with my-” He trailed off, as if just noticing who he was talking to. “Did you do something with your hair? You look… How can I put this nicely… Bad.”

Purple Heart looked down at his coat and winced. The green did clash rather badly with the purple. He laughed weakly. “Yeh, it does look a little bad,” he agreed. “Something to do with a little villainous cocktail.”

“Cocktail?” Wits blinked, then shook his head. “I probably don’t want to know. It’s bad enough that Patchy just left a train ticket while I was out. Nothing like teleportation via clipping out the word ‘subductisupercilicaptor’. I’d be insulted if I knew what that meant.” With a sigh, he pulled back his chair with a magical hand and took a seat, draping one hindleg over the arm. “So, what’ve you been up to since the great exodus from Castle Twilight?”

“A bunch of little things. Saved some nobles, schmoozed some more nobles, got a play produced, and got Discord removed from the field,” Purple replied. “I’ve wanted to get back at that Q knockoff for a while now. And having Twilight kick him out without having to do much more made it all the sweeter.” The purple and green earth pony sighed contentedly. “Now, I’m just waiting till the show either gets banned or pulled to make a country wide tour. What about you? Did Twilight push one button too many for you to hang around any more?”

The unicorn was silent for a moment, weighing how much to share with his friend. “Let’s just say I have been challenged, and I intend to follow through. I’ve been collecting some stuff, meeting some very nice ponies, and I like to think I’ve formulated a nice little plan. Just need one, two…” Wits was counting on an increasing number of summoned hands, “maybe twenty more things, and I’ll be good to go.”

Silence filled the room again. After far too long, Wits twisted in his seat to look behind him. “Where is that crit-magnet? I could be playing around with Trixie’s stage kit right now.”

“Finishing up the spinach puffs!” Light Patch said, strutting into the room with a tray of the pastries on his back. “Sorry to keep y’all waiting. I had to restart like five or six times. No easy access to ready-made puff pastry around here, so I had to make my own.” He dropped into his chair after setting the tray in the middle of the table. “And the oven was busted. Before we begin, can I get you two anything to drink?”

“I have been craving a good Iced Chai,” Wits mused. “Then again… Nah, I’ll stick to my guns. Iced Chai.” He glanced towards Purple Heart. “You?”

“Mango Lassi,” the purple and green colt replied. “Please.”

Light Patch leaned forward and slammed his fore hooves onto the surface of the table. As he raised them, two glasses appeared and filled with the liquid. He smiled, looking at the two glasses. He frowned, noticing he’d gotten the drinks switched. He promptly swapped the two glasses and looked up at his two friends.

“Sorry about that. I’m still getting the feeling for the weird powers I’ve got. Sometimes they flow like water and other times it’s… what?” he asked, noticing the way the two were looking at their drinks.

“My fruity yogurt tastes like tea,” Purple Heart muttered.

“Who got mango in my Chai?” Wits asked. The two of them looked at each other and with a shrug, swapped the glasses.

“That's the problem when the power swings more to Pinkie’s side; they work when it’s funny to work. Otherwise, they like to make little jokes.” Light Patch sighed. “Anyway, while you sip the puffs and nibble at the drinks, I suppose I should go ahead and explain why I gathered us here.”

“One sec.” Wits reached over and stuffed a spinach puff into his mouth. He made a vague gesture as he brushed crumbs from his face. “Comfimue,” he mumbled around the pastry.

“Right. Well, just to throw this out up front... As you two may or may not already know, I’ve decided to remain strictly neutral during all this. This is between you two and the mares. I’m just an observer and like most observers, I find it disorienting when the viewpoints of a story keep swapping around..”

Wits scoffed, another pastry halfway to his mouth. “Right, neutral.” A pair of magical hands made air-quotes around the last word. “That’s why you messed with Twilight’s map. I told her not to actually fix it, but Trixie was quite disappointed that she couldn’t even make a dent in whatever you did. Did you delete the System32 file or something?”

“Okay, so I’m not strictly neutral,” the grey pegasus said, using his wings to do air quotes. “I figured that, if I’m gonna be stuck here watching everything, I might as well keep it interesting. That, and Twilight might have pushed one button too many. So in a fit of frustration, I may have evened the field for you and Purple Heart a little.” Light Patch leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. “I actually didn’t do anything to the map. I just forwarded the output to this little watch.” He set the timepiece on the table and wound it. A miniaturized version of the map flickered into existence over the watch.

Purple Heart leaned out of his seat to peer at the map, cheeks bulging with spinach puffs. “Hum,” he grunted, spraying flakes of pastry with his gusty breath. “Coo.” He swiped another pastry with a thread and placed it on his plate, completing the mountain of pastry dough, spinach, and cheese before him.

“Anyways, mostly neutral, constantly flipping between characters, hard to follow the story lines. I had a plan to make things a little easier on myself.” Light Patch leaned back in his chair. “I thought ‘why not get you two together and act as a mediator to help you form a little Evil League of Evil’. Or whatever you want to call it.” He reached for a pastry, only to find the tray empty of spinach puffs. He blinked slowly at the crumb covered platter “You two couldn’t even leave one for me?”

Purple paused with his mouth open, the last spinach puff halfway to vanishing into the cavernous hole he called a stomach. Trying his very best not to pout, the purple and green colt placed the pastry on the serving tray and went back to sipping his chai-tasting yogurt drink.

A smile crossed Light Patch’s face. Just as he reached out for the last puff, an intangible hand pulled the tray away. “First of all,” Wits said, picking up the pastry, “these are amazing. My compliments to the You. Secondly… really?” He jabbed towards Light Patch with the procured puff. “Work with him to make things easier for you? I don’t know what Purple Heart is up to, but he looks like somepony blended the Joker, so I’m sure it’s not good. And my plan does not do well with having dramatic flairs added to it. I’m walking a fine line here.” He dropped the spinach puff back onto the tray and shoved it back towards the pegasus. “Also, not a fan of the ‘evil’ thing. I’m going for ‘villain’, not ‘bad guy’.”

“Okay! You can call it the ‘Villain’s League of Villainous Intent’! Sheesh,” Light Patch sighed.

“Department of Redundancy Department.” Wits End coughed into his hoof before grabbing the last spinach puff again. “I’m taking this again as punishment.”

Light Patch threw his forelegs into the air. “We’ll call it Daisy Doilies Tea Time! Like I said, name later, shaking hooves and forming the alliance now!” He grabbed one of Purple Heart’s and Wits End’s free hooves and pulled in an attempt to force them together.

“Watch the puff!” Wits End called, jerking his hoof away. “I still haven’t agreed to this League of Extraordinary Gentlecolts yet. Aside from making your job easier, which I’m against on principle by the way, what’s the advantage here? What do I get out of it?”

“Wealth, fame, glory, and all of the parades you want,” Light Patch groused. “Maybe a chance to learn some of each other’s plans or devising a way to avoid their plan screwing up yours? A chance to actually talk to a friend in a world that seems to dislike us? All you can eat sushi on Thursdays?”

“Assistance against Twilight and her newfound issue with us?” Purple Heart offered. “Some backup in case she tries to Friendship Death Star us?”

Wits shook his head slowly. “As much fun as body shields and sushi would be, we have a proven history of getting in each other’s way just as much as we help each other out. I already tried to plan my scheme around one or two of you stumbling into the way. I don’t have the time or resources to change it to make sure everyone’s happy. Plus…” He trailed off, looking at the other two from under furrowed brows.

Purple Heart frowned back. “I don’t like that look. There’s either bad news or a bad pun coming.”

“This is all assuming that we all want to be on the same side,” Wits finished eventually. “The last time one of us went all villain-y, another one ended up with a hole in his chest the size of a Ford Mustang. If we don’t like where each other’s plans are going and it comes to blows, there might not be anything left of us by the end.” He leaned back in his seat again, playing mindlessly with the spinach puff in his hooves. “I don’t fancy my odds if that happens.”

“It worked out in the end. We’re all still sitting here, aren’t we?” Light Patch asked, staring at the spinach puff. “A part of why I wanted to start this was to help keep you two from coming to blows again. If you at least share your plans, you can avoid being blindsided by the other. Being an observer sort of means watching out for friends.” He looked at the two colts, a concerned smile on his face.

Wits was silent for a good long while, his internal debate obvious on his face. Finally, he sighed and smirked back. “Fine.” He pointed his hoof at each of them in turn. “But no disintegrations. My plan relies on there still being an Equestria and a Princess of Friendship when I’m ready to spring this thing.”

“What is it you even have planned, Wits?” Purple Heart asked, yanking his foreleg free of Light Patch’s grasp. “I already did my canoodling around and being a prick. I dunno what to do next.” He paused, eyes squinting. “I could mess around with Canterlot’s bureaucracy. See if I can pull a Palpatine.” A grin split his face. “Ooooh. Now that sounds like fun!”

Wits leaned away from Purple Heart’s teeth, protecting his lone puff behind a wall of jazz hands. “Okay, now you’re smiling like the Joker,” he grumbled. “What’s next, your declaration to return Canterlot to us? The Ponies?”

Purple’s grin vanished and he grimaced. “Let’s not go around mixing our villains, smol one.”

“What mixed? Your palette is so off putting I want to dump you in a trough full of green,” Wits retorted. “At least you’ll look consistently envious.”

Purple Heart squinted at the minty unicorn, his mouth shrunken with displeasure. “No.”

“I doubt your plans will overlap, so co-operation could only help. There’s gotta be ways you can help each other. Maybe you,” Light Patch pointed at Wits, “can make use of Purple’s contacts in Canterlot’s higher societies.” He then pointed at Purple Heart. “I’m sure that Wits’ secret evil plan-” he was interrupted by a loud cough from the unicorn. “Sorry. Wits’ secret Villainous plan could be of some help in your plans. Surely you two can see the benefit in a little co-op? Remember Magicka? No, wait. Bad example... Remember Helldiv- No. Ultimate chic- No, that’s not co-op. The Alamo- No, we weren’t born then. Monaco? No, that devolved quickly... Terraria! Remember Terraria and the cool stuff we managed together?”

“Yeah, I fell a lot,” Purple Heart deadpanned.

“Without our help I may add,” Wits End contributed.

“We also wrote an amusing omake about whether or not you were a primarch,” Light brought up. He blinked. “Hmm, gotta be careful of the wall there.”

“ANYWAYS,” Purple rumbled, rolling his eyes, “I could probably be persuaded to assist in whatever plan Wits has lined up. Will your ponies call my ponies? I still have a theater to help run in the meantime.”

Wits shrugged. “We’ll see.” His horn flashed as he summoned a sheet of paper and a quill. He then articulated one of his jazz hands to scribble out an address on the paper that he passed to Purple Heart. “Send me a letter at your earliest convenience.”

Purple Heart accepted the paper and inclined his head. “Sounds plan-like,” he said. He looked at Light Patch. “Satisfied?”

“Very.” Light Patch leaned back in his chair. “Well... mostly. I didn’t even get one of the puffs. Next time, I’m making a double batch… What do you two think about the name ‘The Order of the Spinach Puffs’?”

“For a cooking group, weak but passable,” Wits muttered. “For the three of-”

“Two. Observer here, remember?”

“Right, right. For the two of us; unusable.” Wits finished, looking at Light Patch. “Do you really not have any other plans? ‘Cause I’m not buying it for a millisecond.”

“Can’t say you’ve got me convinced with your neutrality act either, sah,” Purple agreed, eyeing the gray pegasus. “You managed to remove mapfunctionality.exe from Twilight’s map board. That doesn’t seem like a very neutral thing to do. It almost seems like you were helping us get away with our respective schemes without a colt-positioning system.”

“Like I said, the map was a fit of rage and my decision to leave my actions as they were. Keeps things interesting to watch,” Light Patch reiterated. “But to be honest, I might have something small in the works. It shouldn’t interfere with either of your plans.” Light Patch shrugged. He blinked when a final thought seemed to strike him. “By the way... did you have a chance to check those notes I gave you, Wits End?”

Wits End blinked. “The… oh, those! I mean, there wasn’t anything in Twilight’s library about it, but that’s never stopped anyone from bodging anything together. I just haven’t had the time to try any prototyping.” He narrowed his eyebrows at the pegasus. “There’s an obvious answer to why you need an interdimensional portal, but somehow I doubt it’s that simple...”

Chapter 21: Spike Does What Spike Does Best

Spike would have slammed the door to his room, if he hadn’t been worried about the fact that everything in the castle was made of crystal. Instead, the door closed gently, but in a passive-aggressive way.

“Keep out of the way, Spike,” he muttered, claws clicking against the floor as he paced. “Don’t touch the map, Spike, it’s broken enough as it is. Keep an eye on the library while we see what Discord wants, Spike. It’s not like we’re going to be thrown into another world or anything. No, stay behind while I check on Sunset Shimmer, Spike. We wouldn’t want you getting fleas in that world again.” The dragon devolved into grumbling as he hopped onto his bed, folding his stubby arms over his chest.

“I can do adventures,” he said to the very decidedly unoccupied room. “I’m an adventure-y sort. I’m sure a dragon would’ve been useful in Discord’s game world. But noooooooo! I have to stay behind because someone has to keep an eye on things.” Spike unfolded his arms so that he could plop his chin into his hands. “Why is it that now of all times is when Ponyville decides to be dull and unexciting?”

With a sigh, he flopped onto his back. Twilight, the rest of the Elements, Sunset, and Starlight had reconvened to discuss what was going on with the map, and with their three colt friends. And since they were busy, that means Spike was expected to stay out of the way. “That seems to be happening a lot lately,” he grumbled. “Seems like whenever something halfway interesting happens, it’s time for Spike to exit the scene.”

He let out another, longer sigh as he rolled off the bed, landing next to a bookshelf of his personal collection. Unlike the rest of the books in Twilight’s library, this one was sorted by series and chronologically, and held his assorted comic books. “Might as well keep rereading these until the new Jockey’s Unusual Escapades comes out,” he muttered, carefully running a claw across the different sections. “Let’s see… X-Mares, Juan Piece, Celestiale Bodies…” He stopped at one section, then pulled out a comic from the middle. “Paladins of Equestria.” He muttered, the name suddenly sparking a memory. He hurried over to his desk and pulled a scroll he’d gotten in the mail a couple of days ago.

He quickly found the scroll and started to open it. He remembered it was a reply from Canterlot Castle, but had come by mail rather than fire or spell. In his mind it could mean only one thing: a reply to the letter he’d sent to ‘Paladin Duty’, as he was known in the comics. Unrolling it, his smile morphed into his usual face for disappointing but predictable news. “Guardsman Specialist Just Duty is currently out of Canterlot on secret assignment, and won’t be available for a while,” he muttered, reading the text. “Also, seeing as we get a number of these letters: while Just Duty does resemble one of the prominent members from the comic series ‘Paladins of Equestria’, that is only because he was chosen as the artistic model by the comic’s artists, and we remind you that the comic books are just works of fiction. A fact that Just Duty has been told to remind those who note the similarities he enjoys playing up.”

Spike sighed and rolled the scroll back up. He wasn’t surprised at the response; they had to keep the story up, even if he was in the know. He was hoping he’d have gotten something from Just Duty himself, but in all likelihood he probably was out of Canterlot. Spike wasn’t too disheartened, however. This was the method that Just Duty had told him to use should he need to inform him of something important.

With another sigh, the dragon tossed the scroll back onto his desk and walked back to his comic book collection. His mind was already focused on one member of the Paladins, so he figured it’d be a good time to refresh himself on some of the others. Plucking out a couple of his favorite issues of Paladins of Equestria, he sat the pile on his bed, soon taking a seat next to it and opening one of the early comics to the beginning.

‘Paladins of Equestria’ was something he’d reread the moment they’d gotten back from meeting Equestria’s version of Just Duty, so most of the plots were still fresh in his mind. This one, he recalled, was a relative low point in terms of writing. A fairly typical ‘good guys turn evil’ story, with Paladin Duty and a few relatively new characters facing off against members of the established cast. He yawned, thinking back to when he’d read the same plot in an issue of ‘Captain Equestria: Crystal Empire Soldier’.

After a few pages, Spike paused. The formerly good characters had turned evil after returning from an interdimensional adventure, where they’d been fighting against versions of themselves from a world where everypony’s morals had been reversed. That thought stuck in his head, and he set the comic aside to search through the other’s he’d grabbed, coming back with one later in the same arc.

One quick flip through the pages confirmed his memory. The face-heel-turned characters had turned evil from exposure to their counterparts’ Multiuniversal Quinessence; a fancy term that basically translated to “what makes that version of the character unique”. Spike’s brow furrowed as he kept reading. Now that he was really focusing on it, the characters weren’t so much evil versions of themselves, as they were mergers of the two versions. They acted like themselves, but with the motivations, goals, and ethics of their evil sides. Like a near-perfect pairing of the hero and the villain.

“Holy snapdragons,” Spike gasped. “That’s why those Cutie Marks are overlapped.” The dragon hopped off the bed, clutching the comic in his claws. “They’re not working together. They’re stuck together!” He flung the door to his room open, racing down the hallway towards the map room. “Twilight!”

* * *

“Why is it so hard to find three colts and three villains?!” Rainbow Dash demanded as she angrily dropped into her seat in the Map Room. “You’d think there would be a trail or two of destruction to follow, but NOOOO! Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Null! Zip! BUPKIS!”

“Ohmygosh just CHILL!” Sunset cried, casting a silencing spell on the rabid pegasus. “You’ve been complaining since we got on the train! I can’t take any more!”

“I take it your travels yielded less than satisfactory results?” Rarity asked primly, dabbing at her face with a kerchief. “At the cost of sounding redundant, we too met with a similar conclusion to our search: the colts and their villainous counterparts are nowhere to be found.”

“Perfect,” Twilight snarled, dropping her forehead onto the map table. “Just. Freakin’. PERFECT.” Each word was punctuated by her forehead meeting the table over and over.

“Ain’t no reason to go beatin’ yerself up, Twi,” Applejack soothed the overwrought princess, leaning away from a frantically miming rainbow-maned pegasus. “At least there haven’t been any reports of disasters or such from across the country.”

“That’s what concerns me,” Twilight grumbled, scowling at the Cutie Marks on the map. “If they were causing trouble, it would be far easier to track them. Just follow the-”

“Corpses!” Pinkie interrupted around the cupcake in her mouth. The pink earth pony blinked and looked around, wilting slightly under the combined gazes of seven less than pleased mares.

“Was that really necessary?” Starlight asked weakly, her usual pinkish countenance turning to a faded green.

“It wasn’t,” Fluttershy gulped. “Please don’t do that again, Pinkie Pie.” The pink mare winced and nodded once.

Twilight sighed, turning her gaze to the map table again. The markers flickered, as if taunting her for her failure at locating their owners. “It seems the map has a delay on it, or it just froze at the point in time where they could have been in these places.” She gestured at the map’s flickering surface. “And if we can’t find the colts, then they clearly don’t want to be found.” With a sigh, she cast a counterspell on Rainbow Dash, who had begun trying to flap her wings fast enough to cause audible vibrations in the air.

“Which makes it all the more worse that we can’t find them, because they’re probably scheming together!” Rainbow gasped. “They must be planning to take over Equestria!”

“I think you’ve been readin’ too many of Spike’s comics, Dash,” Applejack said. The door to the Map Room crashed open, revealing a panting Spike. The little dragon gasped and wheezed his way to the table and flopped onto it, tongue lolling out of his mouth.

“What’s so… bad about… comics?” he panted.

“What the hay got you all winded?” Applejack asked, staring at the out of breath assistant. Spike craned his neck around to look at the orange mare.

“I was… running.”

“From what?!” Fluttershy asked.

“Nothing. Just thought... running up here with... the realization I just had would... be the best idea,” he retorted, taking deep breaths in between words. The mares jerked in surprise.

“Why run?” Sunset said. “We’re not going anywhere.” The little dragon inhaled deeply and exhaled, eyeing each of the mares in turn as he regained his breath.

“No, I’m the one that never goes anywhere,” Spike replied, before taking one last deep breath and slowly letting it out and plastering a smug smile on his face. “But I think in this case, it’s worked out for us. I think I figured out why the colts have been able to avoid you all this time... Well, ignoring the whole map sabotage anyway.” He shrugged, then held up the comic book he’d brought with him. “Behold the answer to your problems: The Paladins of Equestria, issue number 66, subtitle Mind Welds.”

“What does a comic book have to do with those boys?” Sunset asked, before Rainbow Dash shoved her out of the way.

“No way! I didn’t know issue 66 came with an alternate cover,” she said, looking closely at the comic. “They must have realized how trite the whole ‘heroes merging with their villains’ story they’d set up was and gave it better cover art halfway through printing.” She suddenly froze as Spike’s smug smile grew stronger.

“Thank you, Rainbow, for saving me from having to sum it up. You said that the colts and their villainous counterparts, or the local versions from Sunset’s world touched by the Game’s version of them, all got sucked into that portal but we never found them here in Equestria. Well, it’s simple. Because the colts and their counterparts were all merged.” He finished, beaming. “I will accept any and all suggestions of genius-hood now.”

Starlight blinked very slowly at the young dragon. “That is definitely one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.

“No no,” Rainbow Dash said. “He’s got a point. Besides, it’s not like he’s taking plot points from the Inconveniencing Joke arc. Now that would-”

“Can we stay on topic, please?” Rarity sighed. “What does a comic book have to do with what’s going on with the colts?”

Spike shot a glance at Twilight. “Come on, Twi’,” he whispered at her. “You were there. Back me up on this.”

It took a moment for Twilight to get where he was going. “Oh. Oh! Paladins!”

“Great,” Starlight muttered. “It’s spreading.”

Twilight turned back to the rest of the mares, her horn glowing as she summoned holograms of three figures; herself, Spike, and the local version of Just Duty. “When the boys showed up in Sunset’s world, I went to check on the local versions of the villains so we could track them, just in case they had anything to do with that world getting rewritten. When we met Just Duty, he revealed that those Paladins of Equestria comics are partially based on true events.”

“A disinformation campaign,” Spike cut it. “So that rumors of the actual Paladins’ actions would lose credibility.”

“If there’s a comic about this merging between versions via alternate dimensional magic,” Twilight continued, “it means that it might be one of those true events… which means-”

“The colts are evil!” Rainbow Dash punched the air. “I knew it!”

“Might be evil,” Applejack corrected. “Not ta put a bad apple in th’ barrel, but couldn’t that be one of them disinformation bits Spike was talkin’ about?”

“It might be,” Sunset mused, “but if not, then it opens up the possibility. Jogress’ Theories on Magical Mutation mentions the possibility of fusing two creatures into one, but it’s posited as a possible explanation for the existence of things like chimeras.”

“But in practical application,” Starlight interrupted, “merged creatures are highly unstable. Haven’t you read Tucker’s Observations on Magic and Ethics?”

Sunset snorted. “Of course I have!”

“You know that book was restricted ‘cause future villains kept applying what they read in it, right?” Twilight asked. Both of the unicorn mares immediately fell silent. “In any case, we need some way to figure out if Spike’s comic is factual or not.”

“Well, it’s not all factual,” Pinkie proclaimed, skimming through the comic at high speed. “Unless Tempest Fugit’s superpower is to breathe in spandex like that.”

“Gimme that!” Spike snatched the book away, his cheek scales turning a shade of magenta. “I tried contacting Just Duty—our version that is—but I just got a form letter back. Apparently,” he shot a harder glance at Twilight, “no-pony respects the Princess of Friendship’s secretary enough to write a letter from scratch.”

Twilight coughed into her forehoof. “I guess I earned that one. Thank you for finding this, Spike.” She turned to the rest of the girls. “I-”

Spike coughed loudly into his claw.

“...Spike and I will go to Canterlot to meet with the Paladins. If a Princess asks for it, they’ll have to send somepony.”

“I’m going too!” Rainbow declared. She blinked, shifting with embarrassment at her outburst. “I’m kinda maybe sort of a fan of the Paladins’ Comic too.”

“You hide it well.” Twilight restrained her urge to roll her eyes and sighed. “Very well,” she allowed, wincing at the cyan pegasus’ squeal of excitement. “Anypony else want to join us in badgering the Paladins for legitimate information?”

Starlight shrugged. “Why not?” she said. “I’m not one to pass up a chance to irritate government officials. Seems like fun.” Twilight gave the unicorn a deadpan stare and Starlight chuckled lightly. “I’m kidding! It's a joke. You like jokes, right?”

“I’ll come too,” Sunset decided. “It's been a while since I’ve been to Canterlot. I’m interested in seeing how the old place has changed in my absence.”

Twilight gave a loud sigh. “Why do I get the feeling that you two have other agendas for this trip?” she asked, eyeing the two unicorns.

Sunset and Starlight shared a look and turned to smile innocently at the Princess of Friendship. “Whatever could have given you that idea?” they chorused.

“I’m a have to beg off joinin’ ya’all,” Applejack said. “Gotta look after the farm a spell while Granny goes off to the Badlands.” The orange mare cringed. “She’s got a monthly poker game she runs with a few old friends a hers.”

“Me too,” Pinkie added. “Mister and Missus Cake need a little vacay, so I’ll be watching the store for them.”

“And my boutique won’t run itself,” Rarity piped up.

“I need to watch the animals,” Fluttershy said.

Twilight arched an eyebrow at the yellow pegasus. “Any animals in particular?” she asked.

“No,” the pink-maned mare said. “Just all of them.”

“Riiiiight,” Twilight hummed. “Well then, see you all back here in a week or so?”

As the two sets of ponies headed towards the exit, Sunset moved alongside Twilight. “So, does this count as splitting the party?”

“Don’t even start.”

Chapter 22: Yes, We Split the Party Again

“You know,” Rainbow Dash said, draped sideways across one of the waiting room chairs, “when I said that I was excited to meet the real Paladin Duty, waiting in a small grey room for THREE HOURS was not what I had in mind.”

“It’s hardly been three hours,” Starlight scoffed. “Maybe… two? Two and a half, tops. It’s hard to tell with no windows.”

Rainbow Dash groaned loudly.

Sunset turned in her seat to Twilight. “I get that this is standard for a government office in Equestria Girls, but I thought being a princess would get you some kind of priority.”

Twilight frowned. “So did I. It seems the Department of Equestrian Activities has some other idea of what ‘the Princess of Friendship needs a meeting right away’ means.”

“What kind of a name is ‘the Department of Equestrian Activities’ anyway?” Rainbow complained. “What’s wrong with ‘The Paladins?’ That’s a cool name!”

“It’s also an obvious one,” Sunset offered. “It’d be a lot harder to pretend there’s no connection if their name was the same as the comics.” She turned back to the alicorn. “Can’t one of the other princesses do something? Maybe Celestia-”

Twilight shook her head. “All three of the other princesses are busy with their own problems. Cadence is back up in the north dealing with emboldened bandits, and Celestia is doing damage control for Discord’s play and disappearance, and Luna’s busy with keeping Canterlot from imploding. We’re on our own for now.”

“Seems like that’s how it usually turns out with you and your friends.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sunset shrugged. “Whenever there’s a world-shattering threat, doesn’t it come down to the Elements of Harmony to fix it?”

“Not all the time,” Spike said from his place on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. “Otherwise, the Paladins of Equestria comic wouldn’t have any material to pull from. I guess they’re better at damage control, though.”

Twilight was about to retort when the door to the waiting room clicked open. The Earth Pony who walked through was dressed in a simple, yet well made, black suit and tie. “Sorry for the wait,” he said cheerfully.

There was a moment of silence before Starlight responded. “What, no excuse for why you were delayed?”

The Earth Pony smiled back at her. “None at all. Please, come in.” He held the door open as the four ponies, and Spike, filed through. Sunset stopped at the door, her eyes locked on the name plaque on the desk. “My name is Agent Coltson,” the pony said, taking a seat behind the desk and steepling his forehooves in front of him. “How can the Department of Equestrian Activities help you?”

“Coltson?” Sunset asked, eyes wide.

Agent Coltson smiled back at her. “That’s me.”

“Like, Agent of S.A.D.D.L.E. Coltson?”

“I’m not sure what saddles have to do with it, but that is my name, yes.”

Twilight gave the stunned redmane a magical nudge towards a seat. “Different agent,” she whispered, before turning back to Coltson. “I need to-”

“Actually,” Coltson interrupted. “Sorry. I just need each of you to sign in.” He produced a clipboard from behind his desk and passed it over. “And if I can get your names, breeds, and occupations, please. It’s standard procedure.”

“Are you freakin’ serious?!” Rainbow Dash blurted out. “You couldn’t have had us do that during the last twelve hours?!”

“Three,” Starlight corrected.

“I literally could not care one iota less.”

“It’s figurative,” Starlight muttered. “Good use of ‘iota’, though.”

“Thanks.”

“Let’s start with you, miss,” Coltson continued, smiling at Twilight. “Name, breed, and occupation.”

Twilight blinked. “Seriously?”

Coltson’s smile did not falter. “It’s standard procedure.”

“Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn, Princess of Friendship. Now can I-”

“Is that Twilight with two ‘i’s?”

It took a few seconds for Twilight to find her words again. “I’m sorry?”

“You’d be surprised how many spellings for ‘Twilight’ I’ve seen,” Coltson said. “I’ve seen ‘i’s, ‘y’s, ‘e’s. Once I saw it spelled with an umlaut. No vowels. Just an umlaut overlaying all of the consonants.”

“Yes, two ‘i’s. In the places they’re supposed to be.” Twilight felt a vein threatening to form on her forehead.

“And where’s that, exactly?”

That was the last straw. “Mister Coltson-”

“Please,” Coltson smiled brightly, “Mr. Coltson was my father. Call me Agent.”

“Agent.” Twilight ground the word out through clenched teeth. “I’m starting to think that you’re just wasting time at this point.”

“Just now?” Coltson’s face was one of mock disappointment. “I would’ve thought the three hour wait would’ve been the first hint.”

“Twenty!” Rainbow Dash corrected.

“It was three,” Starlight counter-corrected.

“Don’t you have something better to do than waste the Princess of Friendship’s time?” Twilight asked.

Coltson shook his head. “Not at all. This is literally in my job description.”

“And what job is that, exactly?” Starlight asked.

“Spokespony for the Department of Equestrian Activities, of course.” Coltson leaned in. “Say, can one of you say something about stalling you? I’ve got a ‘stalls are for horses’ joke I’ve been dying to use for weeks now.”

Spike cleared his throat. “And the Department of Equestrian Activities wouldn’t happen to be a front for the Paladins of Equestria, would they?”

Coltson’s gaze made its way down to the Dragon. “You’re the one who sent that letter to the Duty guy, aren’t you? The one that showed up on my desk in a burst of flame right in the middle of my lunch? Ruined a perfectly good sandwich, by the way. Portobello, mozzarella, and a hint of pesto aioli.”

“That was me,” Spike said with a nod. “How would you know?”

“Not a lot of letters that show up here by dragonfire. Besides,” Coltson’s smile slipped slightly, “sending form letters is also part of my job description.” He fixed his smile and turned back to Twilight. “So, where were those ‘i’s again?”

“They’re about to be on the other side of the room,” Twilight growled under her breath.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Nothing!” Twilight replied with faux cheerfulness. I’ve spent way too much time trying to think like those boys, she thought. She nudged Sunset and dropped her voice again. “You know Coltson better in your world, right? How do we get through this?”

There was no response. “Sunset?” Twilight glanced over at the unicorn. Sunset Shimmer was still standing where Twilight had nudged her before, staring blankly at a space far past the wall behind Coltson. Twilight was almost certain that she heard quiet guitar picking and soft vocal harmonies while watching the redmane’s stare; something about darkness being an old friend. “Uhh… Okay then.”

A wall panel behind Coltson’s desk slid open and Paladin Just Duty walked out in full armor sans helmet which allowed his wide smile to be easily seen. “Thank you for your hard work, Agent Coltson, but I think we can trust the princess on this one and besides, I’d hate to see your new office have to be refurbished again,” he said, stopping next to the earth pony.

“Paladin Duty, it’s good to see you again. I’m sure Spike would say the same if he wasn’t brimming with excitement.” Twilight greeted, nodding to the dragon next to her who was vibrating in place.

“It would have been nice if you’d have been a little more quick about seeing us,” Starlight muttered, earning a nudge and an angry look from Twilight.

“I’m sorry about that, truly. I only just got to read your letter. I had barely enough time for a quick bite to eat and a quick dip in the pool to wash away the worst of my travels and… encounters with less than hospitable factions,” Paladin Duty replied with an apologetic smile, his words drawing those gathered in the room to really look at his armor and, for the first time, take in the fresh damage, dirt, and small specks of what most hoped was just red clay.

“You could’ve let me know we were on the same side,” Coltson said dryly.

Just Duty shrugged. “You looked like you were having fun.”

“...It was kinda fun. Not everyday you get to talk snark to a princess.”

“Don’t make it a habit,” Twilight deadpanned.

“Might be a bit late for that,” Coltson said almost under his breath with a half grin.

Without total conscious awareness of it, one of Rainbow’s hooves reached out and gently traced a hoof along one of the larger rents in the armor.

“Wow, you really are the real deal...” she said, looking at Just Duty. “Awesome.”

“I would say the same about you. Your speed and skill would make you a strong asset for the Paladins of Equestria. If we existed. Shame we couldn’t use you. Really.” Just Duty turned to Twilight and Spike but found his vision filled with Rainbow’s face.

“And why couldn’t the Paladins use me?! You said I’m fast, skilled, and awesome!”

“And a showboat who would die in a secret agency where she couldn’t show off,” Paladin Duty added. Rainbow flopped back to the ground and muttered about how she could get better at it. “Anyways, while I’d love to get to know your other two friends, Spike’s letter was heavy on the urgency but a bit light on details. Shall we discuss this in my office? I can shed a little of this armor and you can fill me in on ‘what’s up’, as the youngins say.”

“Good,” Twilight sighed. “We don’t have any more time to lose.”

* * *

Rarity sat in her workroom sorting through her business correspondence. There were the usual payments and requests, a few exchanges of thoughts and suggestions between herself and Coco Pommel as well as Sassy Saddles about management concerns of her Canterlot based boutique. All in all, it was mostly shaping up to be business as usual. Or so she thought until a large envelope was found in the pile. While Derpy was clumsy, she rarely gave somepony the wrong mail.

She lifted it up and found that, in addition to it’s surprising weight, it also bore her name and address. Feeling the hint of a mystery, she naturally checked for a return address to see who sent it.

Layered Permafrost

Rarity shrugged, not recognizing the name and opened the large envelope. Several bits poured onto her desk, more than she’d have thought possible.

There were also several folded papers. She felt slightly insulted to find a pattern included. It was rare, but sometimes a pony would find a dress they just had to have a copy or version of. While it was interesting to work creatively within restrictions, she still found that she enjoyed full creative freedom with her work. Then again, if it was a dress pattern she was looking at, it wasn’t a style she was remotely familiar with.

She resisted reaching for her sleuthing hat and instead took a sip of her tea as she unfolded one of the other papers. She was expecting to find a letter or some other correspondence. Instead, it was a list of measurements. Rarity hummed at the list, taking note of a couple of unusual measurements included. She also noted that wings were included, indicating that it was for a pegasus. Oddly enough however, there wasn’t a measurement for where the wing holes should be, just around the barrel with the wings and without.

“Perhaps this will be a more interesting job than I thought,” she pondered aloud. Before unfolding the last page, she used her magic to tug her noir hat closer. She found a hoof written letter. It was very rough but from the message, the pony writing it was quite far north, beyond even the Crystal Empire’s realm of influence. Poor dear was probably too cold to write without shivering, or so she assumed as she began to read through the letter.

‘Dear Rarity,

My name is Layered Permafrost and I’ve drawn the short straw of having to oversee an excavation in the Glacial Deserts. Even for a pegasus, it’s surprisingly cold up here. I’d heard from another pony on the excavation, an associate named Moon Dancer, that you are a talented seamstress and I was hoping to ask you to make me a coat.’

Rarity thought back to the pattern and frowned again.

‘I wasn’t sure how familiar you are with designing winter coats so I thought I’d provide you with a pattern I found. I hope you don’t take it as an insult, but I also have a few strange requests.’

She raised an eyebrow and took a sip of her tea, letting her imagination run wild for a few moments before continuing.

‘I’ve always had sensitive wings so I was hoping you’d make the coat so my wings would be kept warm inside of it rather than including the normal wing slots. I also thought it’d be cool to have a large hood that could hide my face. Like a hooded warrior monk from the Jade Kingdoms books.’

Rarity snorted at the thought. She’d not read the series, but her sister Sweetie Belle had ended up enjoying them and the two of them had talked about them recently. She smiled as she thought about them and looked through the patterns again assembling a vision of how it might look. She skimmed half-heartedly through the rest of the letter but didn’t notice much more. There were some suggestions on color palette: pink highlights with glacier blues as the base as well as a request for the coat to almost act like a dress in that it would fully cover the wearer.

“Layered Permafrost, it almost sounds like you're trying to hide from somepony,” Rarity said conspiratorially, giggling to herself as she set to work. “Trying to hide from the cold at least. Which I must say is unusual for a pegasus. From what I’ve overheard from Twilight and Rainbow, I thought pegasus magic made them more resilient in hot and cold environments. Even if they’d grown up in a tropical area.”

She paused as a thought occurred to her. “Unless their magic isn’t behaving as it should. It is rare, but that would explain why a pegasus would want a coat that covered even their wings. I don’t think I even know a pegasus with faulty magic,” Rarity thought aloud to herself as she stood at the center of a magical hurricane of fashion.

“Pegasi who aren’t good at flying I could name a hoof full. And Rainbow is only on the list twice.” She tittered to herself as she shifted some of her controlled mess around, wincing as a larger pile shifted.

A flash of colors drew her attention and she looked over at a new small pile of color swatches; a grey next to a pink and a light brown. The three colors next to each other reminded her of one pegasus who might count on her list. “Did we ever find out if Light Patch had proper pegasus magic?” she wondered aloud. She shook her head as the coat design grabbed her full attention again and the thought was forgotten.

From this point onward, most thoughts not related to work had to wait until she’d finished. Thanks to the pattern, the structure of the coat proceeded quickly. She of course adjusted it making it more like the warrior monk robes from the culture that the Jade Kingdom’s books were based on. Thankfully she’d already borrowed a book on their culture due to that talk with Sweetie Belle.

She worked in hints of a jade coloured fabric she had left over from another project as well as a circle of the jade fabric she’d used her magic to color to be like pink jade right in the center of the chest. The main color of the coat was a slate greyish green, much like one would expect from some ancient tomb. Then there were general snow colors as if it was an old stone structure hidden in the snow and ice.

She smiled proudly as she looked at her creation then sighed in satisfaction as she pulled the last pin from the coat. “I must say, coats are surprisingly more complex than I was expecting them to be. Still, it was refreshing to try something new. Now to just get this ready for... the customer to… pick up.” She froze as she realized she wasn’t sure how to get the coat to Layered Permafrost. From the letter, it sounded like they were already on site. Was she to ship the coat herself or was another pony going to courier it up north? Maybe that Moon Dancer, or whatever their name was.

She hurried to her work desk and picked up the letter, skimming to the end.

‘I’m already on-site, but I did have Moon Dancer prepay for Priority Delivery, so just address the box as usual and use the stamps included. Then hoof it over to the local post mare. Also, if you could say ‘hello’ to Dizzy for me?’

The rest of the letter talked about extra payment if she needed it, and a few other things. She shrugged and carefully folded, packed and prepped the coat for it’s journey.

“And with that, I have to deliver you to Derpy and she can see you on your first step in your long journey. Then I have to find somepony named Dizzy. Perhaps Derpy could help me, and if not there is always Pinkie Pie.”

She hummed a tune as she picked the package up with her magic and trotted to the post office. She waved to Derpy who was happily snacking on a muffin, likely for her lunch.

“Hello, Derpy. I’ve got a package to deliver but first, I was hoping you could maybe help me pass on a message, darling?” Rarity asked, setting the package on the desk and letting her horn rest.

“I can certainly try. Who's the message for?” Derpy asked, setting the muffin to the side but not left unwatched as one of her eyes followed it.

“A mare named Dizzy. A pony named Layered Permafrost asked me to pass a greeting from them on to her.”

“Oh, that's easy! In fact, consider it already delivered!” Derpy chirped, taking a victorious bite from her muffin.

“So you know the mare? Could you tell me where she lives so I can see her after we deal with this package?”

“In my house, Dizzy is my middle name. I never liked it because I never felt like it fit me all that well. I mean, I've never been dizzy in my life,” the mare replied. She quickly scarfed the rest of her muffin. “Also hello, Frosty.” She paused, looking a little confused. “Not that I know any pony named Layered Permafrost.” Derpy shook her head and looked at Rarity again. “So anyway, package?”

“Right! Yes, I’m having to mail this to a client in the Glacial Desserts. It’s to be sent priority and that was already paid for. I used the stamps they provided,” Rarity replied, wondering how this Layered Permafrost knew Derpy’s middle name. It was unlikely Moon Dancer could have passed it on, not even Rarity knew it.

“That's pretty far, even with priority it’s gonna take a while. ” Derpy closely inspected the stamps on the box. “Yep, those are priority stamps. Guess you're good to go, Package. I’ll just take this to the back and let Express know he’s got work to do.” Before the postal mare could even touch the package, a rapidly moving light and a sound unlike anything the mares had heard before engulfed the box and they both watched it disappear from the counter.

“That wasn't supposed to happen! I didn’t even touch it!” the postal mare said worriedly.

Meanwhile, Rarity was staring dumbfounded at where the package had been before it was teleported away. It looked like something out of one of Spike’s Sci-Fi books. She narrowed her eyes and thought back to the name of her client.

Layered Permafrost…

LP…

Light Patch.

Okay, she grunted mentally. That’s a rather large logical leap. But less so with the weird way the package had delivered itself. And speaking of delivering itself, she thought she’d remember pulling a large envelope from her small mailbox. “Derpy, you’ve been delivering my mail for a couple of weeks now... do you remember giving me a large envelope?” She asked, snapped the mailmare out of her panic.

“Not this month. It’s just been letters and fabric bolts! Oh, and that package of new sewing machine needles. That was a pain to deliver in more than one way.” She chuckled at her joke.

“Thank you, and don’t worry, Derpy. I don’t think that the package's disappearance was your fault. I suspect we’ve been bamboozled,” Rarity said. hurrying to leave. “I’m sorry, darling, but I must get back to Carousel Boutique and check something.” She rushed out of the post office and through the streets with an unlady-like grace she’d be embarrassed about if she’d taken the time to think about it. But that was for later. Right now, the game is afoot!

She bannged through the Carousel’s front door and magic rushed to her horn as she charged a simple spell to detect magic. And there on her desk was magical residue. She wasn’t good enough to identify the spell, but she could recognize who wove it.

“Oh, Light Patch, you clever little colt,” Rarity crooned, fighting the urge to put her sleuth's hat on her head. “You should leave the intrigue to Wits End. He’s much better at it.”

She picked up the letter and a highlighter. “Now, let's see what you just told me about what your neutrality really means. I know where you're operating. It's somewhere cold or else you wouldn’t have gone for the heavy coat like you did.”

“And what else did I let slip?” She could hear Light’s voice in her mind.

“You told me you didn’t want any pony to know it was you, both by your use of a false name, but also by the fact you want the cloak to hide your wings and face. If you wanted to stay warm, you’d have wing mittens and a scarf, easy to put on or remove for a pegasus.” Rarity picked up the pattern again.

“You really should leave the melodramatics to Purple Heart. Honestly, Light Patch. A cloak coat to hide your full body?” She tisked as her highlighter continued it’s pace.

Light’s voice hummed. “Did I let slip anything really important though?”

“Well, I know you're looking for something, something underground considering you mentioned a dig. I may not know what you’re looking for, but I know it’s somewhere cold and beneath the surface… Unless it’s your Spider ‘Waifu’. I believe that's the word your friends would have used.”

“A low blow, but at least you didn’t kick me,” his voice said.

“Yes, well... I might not know what’s going on, but I’m sure with Twilight’s help, we can figure something out. She is also friends with Moon Dancer. I’m sure she’ll have a way of checking in with her.”

“It does seem like I tipped my cards a little too far.”

“Oh, but darling! I haven’t even gotten to the best part.”

“And that is?”

“I’m genre savvy enough to know you're right behind me,” Rarity said, smiling widely at the quiet puff of air behind her. “And I know you wanted me to know this.” She left her shop and headed towards Twilight’s Crystal Castle and it’s library. She figured she’d get a head start on trying to figure out just what Light was looking for. She also felt a need to walk away from her work room. She was fighting a strong urge to make a wide brimmed red hat.

Chapter 23: The Ponies With Jobs

“Applejack, there’s a letter fer you!” Apple Bloom called, hammering on the door to her big sister’s room. The little filly paused, waiting for a response. After a beat of silence, her pounding resumed.

“Apple Bloom! What in tarnation are you doing?!” Granny Smith demanded from down the hall.

“Applejack ain’t answerin’ her door!” the little filly yelled back.

“Cuz she ain’t in there!” Granny snapped.

Apple Bloom balked, turning to look down the hallway. Granny Smith was standing at the top of the stairs with a fierce frown on her face while Applejack stood next to her, shaking her head with amusement.

Apple Bloom blinked, looked at the closed door, then back at her family members.

“Oh.” She blushed.

“‘Oh’ indeed,” Applejack echoed, grinning at her little sister. “What’s this letter yer yappin’ about?”

Apple Bloom trotted over and held out the envelope. “Looks awful fancy, if you ask me,” she said, eyeing the broad strokes of ink on the paper. “Must be from somepony in a big town.” She frowned, cocking her head to one side. “Though, I can’t think of somepony in any big town who’d want to send us a letter.”

Applejack huffed a laugh. “Pretty sure it ain’t from Aunt and Uncle Orange,” she commented. “They weren’t too pleased with me when I was younger.” She tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter. Her eyes widened and her mouth gaped. “What the hay?!”

Both Granny Smith and Apple Bloom stared at the orange mare in surprise. They resisted the urge to yank the letter away and read it themselves, deciding instead to prod the dumbstruck mare until she spoke.

“Somethin’ wrong, Applejack?” Granny asked carefully.

“WRONG?!” Applejack squawked. “Char Cuterie wants our Apple Cider at a party he’s caterin’ for! Char Cuterie! Wants our! Apple Cider!”

All that received her outburst were two blank stares. “Who now?” the two chorused.

“Oh, fer the love of Celestia!” Applejack cried, throwing her hooves and the letter up. She glared at her her sister and grandmare. “Char Cuterie is the Premier Chef in Equestria! His restaurant, Cheese’t Moi, has a waitin’ list of three months!”

“Huh,” Granny grunted, eyeing Applejack with a healthy degree of skepticism. “Must be a pretty fancy place.”

“It is!” Applejack confirmed. “A good third of our monthly crop go straight to Cheese’t Moi as is! Not to boast, but the chefs there want only the best quality ingredients for their cookin’.”

Apple Bloom cocked her head in confusion. “But that ain’t boastin’,” she said.

“AJ is implyin’ that because this restaurant uses the best ingredients and also gets apples from us, our apples are the best apples in Equestria,” Granny explained. “Which ain’t wrong, but I don’t see why yer gettin’ so worked up about this here letter.” She waved the paper with a hoof.

“Read it yerself if ya don’t believe me,” Applejack responded, having finally calmed down from her bout of surprise.

Granny Smith huffed and slipped on her reading glasses, holding the letter close to her nose. Seconds of silence passed while the old mare read herself. Then her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She blinked at Applejack.

“They want our entire reserve of Apple Cider!” she squawked. “I wish ya had led with that first!” The green mare dashed down the stairs, calling loudly for Big Mac to ‘git out the wagon’.

“Huh, they do want our entire stock,” Apple Bloom hummed, peering at the letter. The filly winced and looked up at her sister with a grimace. “By tomorrow. Think ya can make it to Canterlot in time?”

Applejack blinked. “What the buck?!” she screeched. “I hadn’t gotten that far! By tomorrow?! That’ll take a miracle!”

“Why not just ask Sunset to teleport it all?” Pinkie Pie asked, poking her head out of Applejack’s room. The Apple sisters gave a cry of surprise and stared wildly at the pink mare.

“When the hay did you get here?!” they chorused unhappily.

“About an hour ago,” Pinkie chirped, opening the door all the way. “I was gonna ask you if you wanted to share Sunset’s teleporting powers to get to Canterlot.” She pulled a folded piece of paper out of her mane and held it out to the two sisters after removing the cling-on cupcake. “I gotta pull together a flank-load of sweets for a party tomorrow. Special order.”

Applejack’s eyes widened and she grabbed Pinkie by the shoulders. “You got an order from Cheese’t Moi too?!”

“Uh-huh,” Pinkie Pie confirmed, holding out the letter as she brushed crumbs from her coat. “I am kinda disappointed though. Setting up whatever party that’s going on would have been a whole lot more fun than just catering!” She sighed, her smile fading briefly only to return a split second later. “Sunset should be here by now!”

Applejack reeled in surprise, taking a staggering step back. “You already asked her to get the order there in time?” she asked.

Pinkie shook her head and several more cupcakes fell out of her mane, all of which were promptly scooped up by Apple Bloom. “I just left her a note saying that Purple Heart was spotted near here with a group of fillies.”

Applejack reeled again, nearly stepping on Apple Bloom. The little filly darted away, intent on sharing her hoard of sweets with the rest of the Crusaders.

“Is he actually around here?!” the orange mare gasped.

“Nope,” chirped Pinkie.

Applejack frowned. “That’s mean, Pinkie.”

“I learned from the best,” the pink mare replied.

“...Purple Heart?”

“Yep.”

A spark of magic flashed and Sunset Shimmer appeared in the hallway, eyes wide with fury.

“WHERE IS HE?” Sunset demanded. “I KNOW HE’S HERE!”

Applejack recoiled from the manic unicorn and backpedaled into the wall, pulling Pinkie with her.

“WHERE IS HE?!” Sunset repeated, glaring at Pinkie and Applejack.

“Relax, BatSun,” Pinkie soothed, thinking that her ruse may have backfired a little. “Purple Heart isn’t actually here. AJ and I just need you to teleport some stuff to Canterlot for us.” The pink mare grinned timidly.

“Oh, was that all?” Sunset asked, her crazed state switching to a more subdued conversational tone. “Honestly, Pinkie, you could have just asked.” She turned and walked down the hall to the stairs. Pinkie and Applejack blinked, shared a look, and set after their friend.

“What is it you needed transported?” Sunset asked as they walked out of the main house.

Applejack opened her mouth to reply, but balked, wincing at the collection of product waiting for them beside the storage barn. “All of that,” she said, gesturing with a hoof.

Standing before the three mares was a wagon filled with barrels of Apple Cider and a cart stacked nearly a story high with boxes of various confections.

“This is all?” Sunset asked flatly.

“Yep!” Pinkie replied.

“Sure is,” Applejack answered.

“Where does it need to go?” the flame-tressed mare inquired.

“The Belli Estate,” Applejack said.

Sunset froze, eyes twitching as she turned to stare at the orange mare. “Do you have clearance to teleport into the estate of a retired, heavily decorated guards-colt?” she asked calmly, her rictus grimace betraying her true feelings on the matter.

“Nope,” said Pinkie, popping the ‘p’ with an innocent grin.

Sunset inhaled deeply and exhaled, fixing the two mares with a serious look. “I’ll just teleport it to the castle in Canterlot,” she decided. “It's close enough to the Belli Estate that the trip won’t be too long. I’ll send a letter along so that Celestia doesn’t panic when guards start screaming that some ponies have invaded the kitchens.” She eyed Applejack and Pinkie Pie speculatively. “You’ll be going along with the shipment?”

“Yep!” Pinkie pronked. “Gotta make sure everything is in tip-top shape!”

“You just want to see if you could have made a better party,” Applejack muttered.

Pinkie swung a hoof around the orange mare’s neck. “Oh, Applejack!” she sighed. She slipped on a comical set of disguise glasses. “You know me so well!” She grinned widely, eyes glinting with mischief.

“Excellent,” Sunset said, ignoring Applejack trying to shake Pinkie’s grip off. “Enjoy your visit.” With a spark of magic and a great flash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and their product vanished. A few seconds of silence passed. Sunset jerked in faux realization and stomped a hoof petulantly.

“Curses,” she swore. “I forgot to let the estate know they were coming.” A satisfied smirk settled on Sunset’s face as she strode up the path and down the road back to Ponyville.

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, the collected confections, and surplused cider flashed into existence in a vast kitchen with a loud pop, shocking the cooks and servers with their sudden appearance.

“Uh...” Pinkie lifted a hoof, waving it at the gaping ponies. “We are not the ponies you are looking for. You can go about your business. Move along.”

“Pinkie!” Applejack hissed. “What are you doing?!”

“Hoping they don’t start-”

The cooks and servers interrupted them with a resounding variety of ululations.

“-doing that,” Pinkie finished. “RUN~!” She grabbed her cart handle and bolted from the kitchen. Applejack stood for a moment in stunned surprise. The cooks and wait staff around her blinked at the sudden arrival that remained where she’d appeared. With a jerk, the orange mare shook herself, dove into the harness of her cider wagon, and dashed after Pinkie Pie. She could hear the faint cries of ‘Invaders!’ and ‘We’re doomed!’ from the kitchen staff over her shoulder as she fled.

“What kept you?” Pinkie asked as Applejack drew abreast with the pink mare.

“Ah was struck dumb by Sunset just teleporting us here without any warnin’!” the orange mare griped. “Where are we even?!”

“Haven’t the slightest idea!” her pink-maned cohort admitted.

The pair of earth ponies sprinted through corridor after corridor past surprised servers and baffled attendants in their flight to escape. They turned a corner and came to an abrupt halt, skidding to stop mere inches before a phalanx of lance-wielding ponies wearing tunics of dark red accented with black piping and black helms furnished with red crests.

“Halt and identify yourselves!” a gruff voice barked from behind the line of guards.

“Pinkie Pie of Ponyville with sweets from Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie announced. She gestured to Applejack. “This is Applejack of Ponyville with Apple Cider from Sweet Apple Acres! We’re here to fill an order made by Casus Belli!” Silence followed the declaration. Applejack swallowed, cutting a glance at Pinkie Pie. The pink mare stood stalwart before the line of lances, eyes burning with defiance. The line split and a hefty red pegasus with black mane and tail dressed in a ceremonial white coat decked with medals on his left breast stepped out. Pinkie Pie twitched as the red pegasus eyed the pair of them, his mane shifting minutely as he turned his head from one mare to the other.

“Care to explain how you two got in here without my guards noticing?” the stallion asked gruffly.

“Would you believe ‘teleportation’?” Applejack said. The pegasus arched an eyebrow.

“Yes,” he replied succinctly. “Which begs the question: what caused the pair of you to think teleporting directly into my estate would be easier than simply requesting entry at the gate? The gate is a safer and far less threatening option.”

“Would you believe ‘spiteful teleportation’?” Pinkie said.

“I’d have to ask what you did to merit it to be spiteful.”

“She sprung it on our friend without any prior warning,” Applejack sighed.

The pegasus grunted a laugh. “That would do it,” he agreed. “Why don’t you two follow me? My guards will take care of your cargo. I’m sure the Master of the House would be most interested in meeting you both.” The pegasus nodded his head at the guards behind him and the line parted, lances lifting to a non-threatening position. A red wing gestured down the corridor.

“Shall we?” the pegasus said. Pinkie Pie wasted no time divesting herself of her cart and walking past the red stallion and between the guards. Applejack hesitated for a second, then followed suit, eyeing the stationary guards as she passed them. The pegasus followed shortly thereafter, having given the guards several more orders regarding the cider and confections.

As the trio walked up several flights of stairs lined with numerous portraits of guardponies resplendent in ceremonial garb, Applejack couldn’t help but ask, “How’d the guards mobilize so fast? We were running for barely a minute when we got caught.”

“Maybe they had a cause for war?” Pinkie chirped. The red colt grimaced and sighed.

“Please don’t say that,” he requested stiffly. He turned his gaze to Applejack. “This is the residence of a retired guardpony. While Equestria may not be in conflict-” he glared at Pinkie, emphasizing the word, “-the guardponies are always on high alert. That this happened during a party made security all the more paranoid.” He paused. “And technically, it was seventeen seconds before you were caught.” Applejack couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed in herself and grinned weakly.

Their progress was abruptly impeded by a small grey colt turning a corner just a little too fast and running smack into the pegasus’ forelegs. The colt bounced off the larger pony and went sprawling, squawking in surprise and dismay.

“Cadet Puer Mannulus!” the pegasus barked. “Front and center!” Applejack and Pinkie Pie watched in surprise as the little colt popped to his hooves and stood as tall as he could before them.

“Yes, Uncle!” the little colt cried.

“That’s ‘sir’ to you, cadet!”

“Yes, sir!”

“Where were you off to in such a hurry?” the colt’s uncle inquired.

“To help apprehend the invaders to the estate, Unc- Sir!”

Applejack and Pinkie noticed the pegasus quirk his lips in a small smile. “And what could you have contributed to the operation, cadet?” the pegasus continued.

“Distractionary tactics, sir!”

The trio of older ponies blinked. “Elaborate.”

“While the invaders would be distracted with me, the guards would have been able to capture them easily. Sir.”

The pegasus chuckled. “A fine strategy,” he commented. The little colt grinned at the praise. “But what if the invaders ignored your distraction and instead took you hostage?” Mannulus’ smile vanished.

“Uhm...”

“Exactly. Your mother would kill me. So, instead of charging off without orders or supervision, what should you do instead?”

Puer Mannulus winced. “Find Mother,” he replied.

“Or?”

“Or the nearest officer.”

“Good lad. At ease. Who was supposed to be watching you?” The small colt’s response was interrupted by the arrival of another colt, this one a large earth pony with a purple coat and mane patched with splashes of iridescent green.

“My apologies, General,” the newcomer panted, “but your nephew is a slippery little colt.” Applejack and Pinkie Pie shifted slightly and shared a look at the red pegasus they now knew to be the Master of the House, Casus Belli.

“Quite alright, Mister Patches,” Belli said, waving a hoof. “At least he didn’t get close enough to the action this time. An upset stomach would have been all he would have suffered, what with all those sweets Miss Pie brought to us.”

Any sign of the little soldier Puer had been portraying vanished at the mention of ‘sweets’. “Can I have some please, Uncle?” he asked, eyes going wide in the way that only small colts and fillies could manage. Casus Belli chuckled.

“I don’t see why not,” he allowed. Mannulus tried to dash past the pegasus. Only to be met with a wall of red feathers. “However, I do believe your mother has other thoughts regarding your sugar intake.” Ignoring the grey colt’s moan of sadness, Casus swept his nephew onto his back and turned to the large purple and green earth pony. “Would you please escort Miss Pie and Miss Applejack the rest of the way to the party, Mister Patches? I need to get this one to his mother.”

Mister Patches inclined his head and grinned. “Good luck, General,” he bade.

Belli grimaced and trotted off, leaving Applejack and Pinkie with the purple and green colt.

“Well, ladies,” Patches said, “shall we?” He gestured down the hallway he’d come from in pursuit of Mannulus. Pinkie squinted at the earth pony for a moment as they started down the hall. Then her eyes widened.

“I recognize you!” she cried.

Patches arched an eyebrow. “Ho?” he asked. “Was my photo in the papers?”

“No! I think I’ve seen you somewhere around Ponyville!”

Patches stiffened. “Unlikely. I’ve yet to travel that far south,” he responded, his voice tight.

“Pardon me for asking,” Applejack interjected, “but who are you?”

“The name’s Purple Patches.”

Applejack frowned, eyeing the purple and green colt. “You wouldn’t happen to know somepony by the name of Purple Heart, would you?” she subtly fished. “A distant relation perhaps?”

Patches furrowed his brow and pursed his lips in thought. “The name sounds familiar,” he hummed. “I’m sure I’ve seen that name come across my desk before...” The orange mare leaned forward, trying to hide her interest.

“He’s a large purple earth pony with blue tattoos?” she described. “Has a bit of an attitude?”

“Aaaah, yes! I remember him now!” Patches realized. “He’s playing Beakquo and the Medic in MacHawk.” Applejack stiffened and glanced aside at the colt.

“Oh?”

Patches nodded. “I’ll introduce you,” he said.

Blink. “You can?”

Patches chuckled. “Unless I’m mistaken, you were commissioned to bring cider and pastries to a party for the cast and crew of MacHawk as well as a gathering for several members of Canterlot’s bureaucracy, specifically the ones that assisted with the play’s production.”

“You know an awful lot about this play,” Applejack pondered. Patches chuckled again.

“I should,” he agreed. “I produced it.” He sighed at the orange earth pony’s confused look. “I chose the play, got permission to have it performed, chose the director, and found the backing for it.”

“Oh,” Applejack replied. “I see.” Her glazed look ran counterpoint to her words. Patches rolled his eyes as they stepped out of the main house and into the back courtyard. A wide variety of ponies milled about before them, eating, drinking, talking, and laughing amongst themselves. Smartly dressed waitstaff strode strategically around the yard, platters of drinks and small delicacies carried in a magical or hoof grip. Bubble lanterns drifted above the partygoers, held aloft by a subtle weightless spell. On a balcony above the yard sat a band of a dozen ponies playing gentle music that a score or so of ponies waltzed to on an open patio.

“Now, where is Purple Heart,” Patches muttered under his breath. Applejack shared a look with Pinkie Pie. They were wondering the same thing.

“Patches!” The trio of ponies turned to the milling crowd to see a large colt similar in size and build to Patches break out of the partygoers.

“Purple Heart,” Patches greeted as the colt drew closer. The newcomer was a purple and blue earth pony clothed in a jacket of silver piped with black that he obviously found uncomfortable, if his constant tugging of his collar was anything to go by.

“The general disappearing put the folks around in a bit of a panic,” Purple Heart commented, turning to eye the crowd behind him. “Then you ran off after his nephew leaving me all alone with Mrs. Billings.” Patches’ shoulders lifted and his lips curled into a grimace.

“Eugh,” he choked. “Good thing I left.”

“Disregarding who Mrs. Billings, did you say your name is Purple Heart?” Applejack asked.

Patches and Heart shared a look. Purple Heart looked at the two mares and nodded slowly.

“Yes? Can I help you with something?” he said.The large earth pony recoiled as a shock of pink hair materialized in front of his face.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” Pinkie Pie demanded, shaking Purple Heart by his jacket. “We’ve been looking for you all over the place!”

Purple Heart’s eyes were wide with surprise and no small amount of fear. “What-” His face was yanked to the side by Applejack’s grip on an ear.

“Ah don’t know what you said to Twilight during your little pow-wow, but running away wasn’t the smart thing to do afterwards,” the orange mare growled.

“I don-”

“Zip it, buster! You’re coming with us! You’ve got a lot to answer for!” Pinkie Pie declared, yanking Purple Heart back to face her.

“Patches, what are they tal-” Purple Heart’s words were stifled by a mass of cupcakes being shoved into his mouth by Pinkie Pie.

“That should hold him till we get to Twilight,” Pinkie stated firmly. “To think we’d find him hiding right under Celestia’s flank!” She tucked the hapless stallion under a hoof and dashed away, bowling over tables and party goers alike as she ran to the wall and promptly vaulted it, vanishing into the city.

Applejack hung around just long enough to turn to Purple Patches. “Sorry for interrupting your party,” she apologized. She ran off in pursuit of her pink friend and her unwilling cargo. “I hope this doesn’t ruin your patronage of Sweet Apple Acres Cider!” Then she was over the wall.

Purple Patches blinked at the path of carnage before him, deaf to the cries of surprise and pain of dozens of ponies.

“Well then,” he hummed, grabbing a glass of cider from a passing server, “I hope they realized that’s not me before they get back to Twilight...” He chuckled. “Unlikely.”

* * *

Fluttershy shuffled her way through the streets of Midton, glancing up occasionally to avoid bumping into any of the passing ponies, deer, or other travelers passing between Equestria and the Deer Kingdoms. The last time she’d been there, she’d been with Twilight and Spike, and too busy being worried about Wits End to worry about herself. Now she was there alone, and could focus her full attention on worrying about herself.

Shortly after they had left Twilight’s castle, Fluttershy had received a letter from the joint administrators of Midton, pony and deer alike, asking for the Element of Kindness’ help with a wild animal by the border. Despite her concerns, the pegasus had been on the first train out. Without the map to guide them, the six mares had to rely on finding out about trouble the old-fashioned way.

She arrived at the adminstrators’ office; the building a mismatch of pony and deer architecture split down the middle. After taking a few seconds to prepare herself, Fluttershy knocked on the door.

Then she knocked again, loud enough for somepony on the other side to hear. The door swung open, and an older colt with a bushy grey mustache looked her over. “Ah, ya’ll must be miss Fluttershy. Not a moment too soon. We had another sightin’ just an hour back. Please, come on in!”

“A-administrator Helping Hooves,” she greeted, following the colt inside. Soon, she was seated at a round table with both administrators. Helping Hooves sat on the more typically pony side of the room, while his deer counterpart sat on the more elven side.

“As the letter said,” Hooves said nervously, “we’ve had trouble on both sides of th’ border thanks to this… whatever it is. A real pain in th’… well, you know.”

“Indeed.” Abrazân, the deer administrator of Midton, spoke in a slow, calculated tone. “Both sides of the Rúnen Mysterui have been affected, regardless of the border wall.”

“Which means there’s more than one of ‘em,” Hooves jumped in, “or it’s one that can climb. Or fly. Or teleport. Tough to tell out here in th’ Undiscovered West, what with so many species of critter bein’... well, undiscovered.”

“It is quite inconvenient,” Abrazân agreed. “And, unfortunately, this particular specimen has eluded capture by both deer and pony thus far.” He inclined his head slightly. “Any assistance you might provide would be most appreciated.”

Helping Hooves coughed. “As long as ya’ll catch it on th’ pony side of th’ border, ‘course. Officially, we can’t have be havin’ an Element of Harmony enterin’ th’ Deer Kingdoms without their council’s permission. International incidents an’ all that hoo-hah. So, ya’ll’ll have to work the pony side an’ hope it shows up.”

“That also,” Abrazân said softly, “is quite inconvenient.”

Slowly, Fluttershy nodded. “I… I think I can do that. Does anypony know what the animal is?”

Abrazân and Helping Hooves shared a glance. “We believe it to be a Celva Vanwa,” the deer said eventually.

“That’s a Misplacer Beast,” Hooves explained. “One’ve them things what steals socks in th’ night.”

“Or antler-warmers,” Abrazân said thoughtfully. “We shall provide you with a guide of the Rúnen Mysterui. He shall guide you to the last known location of the creature, and provide assistance in capturing it.”

Hooves sniffed. “They’ll have t’ be a deer guide,” he explained. “Ain’t no way for a pony t’ tell th’ settin’ sun from their own hindquarters out there in th’ forest without a guide. The sooner ya’ll set off, th’ better. Iffin it gets on th’ other side, we’ll be waitin’ a while for it t’ come back.”

Fluttershy barely nodded, her mind spinning. “A Misplacer Beast?” she thought wildly. “A MISPLACER Beast? What could a Misplacer Beast be doing this far west? Misplacer Beasts are native to the Griffon lands, not Equestria, or let alone the Deer Kingdoms! It’s far too dangerous for one to be out here, both for it, the local fauna, and ponies and deer passing through here! There’s nothing like their native prey out here, so they’re probably starving. Could a Misplacer Beast even tell the difference between a pony and a Wink Hound? How do you even catch something with the powers a Misplacer Beast has?

She blinked. Where am I?

“It was just over this ridge,” the deer in front of her said calmly, leading the way through the dense forest greenery. Somehow, Fluttershy’s racing mind had failed to notice anything after the meeting with the administrators, which included meeting and following her guide. The two of them had been trotting for what could’ve been hours, or minutes. She had been following the deer by autopilot, as it walked trails only it could find.

Fluttershy swallowed. “Um.”

“You were lost in thought,” the deer said. His tone was flat, in a serene way. “It seemed proper to alert you before we might meet it.”

“Um,” Fluttershy repeated. “Sorry. I-”

“I am Mellroch,” the deer explained, a wry smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Do not fret. I have seen many a ranger enter such a trance while preparing for the hunt. Fear not, for I have led you safely and prepared you with the necessary equipment.”

Fluttershy looked back, suddenly aware of a lightly packed saddleback slung over her back. “Um?”

“You were muttering quite rapidly,” Mellroch said. “I simply took some liberties in interpreting. You seemed quite knowledgeable about the beast in your ponderings.”

The mare bit back another ‘um’. “T-thank you.”

Mellroch held up a dismissive hoof. “You may wish to restrain your gratitude until the creature is safely made a non-threat.” His hoof moved in a beckoning gesture. “As I mentioned, it was last seen over this ridge. If you would.”

Fluttershy hesitated, then nodded. She followed the deer up to the edge of the ridge. “It might be tough to find,” she said slowly. “Misplacer Beasts are notorious for being in the last place you expect.”

Her next words found themselves lodged in her throat, as the sinewy black bulk of a fully grown Misplacer Beast came into view. Muscles rippled under a thin coat blue-black fur as it flexed six massive legs, each ending in a set of wickedly sharp claws. A long, thin, whip-like tail lashed lazily behind it, its motion mirrored by a pair of slender, barbed tentacles on its back.

Both pony and deer froze, thanking their respective god-like heads of state that the beast was facing the other way. As they watched, the beast stalked in a circle in the small abandoned campsite, pushing aside foliage with its tentacles as it peered through a dense patch of bush across from them.

“What is it doing?” Mellroch’s voice was barely audible, to the point where Fluttershy wondered if she had imagined it. She was about to respond when one of the beast’s tentacles lashed out, wrapping around something in the underbrush. Slowly, the coil of muscle pulled back, revealing…

Fluttershy felt her own muscles relax as she saw the simple wooden doll in the Misplacer Beast’s grasp. “Hunting,” she said softly, watching the cat-like creature sit on its hind four haunches as it began grooming the doll’s yarn hair. “It feeds on the lostness of missing items. Some travelers must have dropped that by accident when they were camped out here.”

“Lostness?” Mellroch mused. “How does it do that?”

Fluttershy motioned to watch as a pale glow began to emanate from the doll, the light seeming to stick to the Misplacer Beast’s tongue and vanish into its mouth. “Like that.”

Mellroch’s expression was unreadable. “That hardly seems scientific,” he muttered.

“Mammals with tentacles rarely are,” Fluttershy replied with a slight smile. “Don’t worry. While it’s feeding, its other senses are dampened.”

“Is that an evolutionary tradeoff?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Misplacer Beasts are also notorious gluttons.”

“Ah.” Mellroch was silent for a brief moment as he watched the creature. “Do we wait until it has finished its meal?”

“Oh, right.” Fluttershy searched through her saddlebag, then frowned. “Do you have anything with, um, moderate sentimental value you wouldn’t mind losing for a bit?”

Mellroch raised an eyebrow, then turned and reached into his own bag. After a moment, he held out a piece of elegant hoof armor. “From a rather remarkable occurrence not long ago,” he said. “My first excursion with ponies and thestrals.”

Fluttershy paused. “Are you sure?”

“Possession of materials is fleeting. Memory fades only with the inevitable passage of time.”

It took some effort for Fluttershy to resist the inevitable spiral into nihilism and dread that statement brought on. “Okay then.” Gently, the pegasus took the piece of armor, closed her eyes, and hurled it into the bushes. “Oops,” she said, her voice loud enough to carry through the clearing. “I’ve lost it forever.”

Before the deer could react, the Misplacer Beast’s head snapped up; eyes tracking to where the armor had disappeared. With one tentacle still gripping the doll, it stalked to the small disturbance in the clearing, the other tentacle snaking out to probe the bushes. Its tail stilled, then began to lash slowly as it focused on its new prey. Slowly, its hindlegs shifted, claws digging into the dirt for traction.

Fluttershy placed a forehoof on its shoulder, locking eyes with it as it whirled around. “Hey.”

The look of feral rage melted from the Misplacer Beast’s face instantly as it was fixed with The Stare. After a moment, it laid down on the ground in front of the mare, allowing her to stroke its forehead with a hoof.

Mellroch’s eyes were widened ever so slightly. “Impressive.”

“Hold on. Just gotta…” Fluttershy gave the beast a scratch at the point between where its tentacles joined its back. It tensed for a moment, then quickly relaxed, flopping onto its side with a low, growling purr. “There. Now it’s safe.”

“Most impressive,” Mellroch repeated, approaching the contented creature slowly. “Did you know that would work?”

“Mostly,” Fluttershy admitted. “Like I said, their senses are dampened when they’re eating, but they turn them up when startled. I thought that would make this one more susceptible to the, uh… Stare.”

Mellroch raised an eyebrow. “And the… greeting? That is a part of this ‘stare’ as well?”

Fluttershy blinked. “Oh, no. That’s… I guess I was thinking about what somepony I know would do. For a little encouragement, I mean.”

“This somepony… is he a friend of yours?”

A concerned frown pulled at the corners of her mouth. “I think so. It’s… not so clear right now.”

The deer bowed his head. “My apologies.” Mellroch reached into the bush, retrieving his lost armor with a little difficulty. “This,” he said, motioning with the armor, “is a reminder of a pony I too would not clearly call a friend, though I did name him.”

Confusion replaced Fluttershy’s concern. “Name?”

“Márandir.” Mellroch turned the hoof armor over in his hooves, his tone almost turning wistful. “A most peculiar unicorn. I heard rumors from the Thestrals that he was here not long ago, but…” He shook his head softly, replacing the armor in his bag. “Regardless, what brings this creature to the Rúnen Mysterui?”

“Maybe I can find out.” Fluttershy gazed down at the contented Misplacer Beast. “What’re you doing all the way out here?” Her expression grew more dour as the beast chuffed and growled in reply. “She’s a mother. Sounds like she’s been looking for her child… who was taken by Changelings?
“What would the Thiacant want with a Celva Vanwa cub?” Mellroch asked.

Fluttershy frowned. “The Changelings don’t have her child now. Apparently somepony took him from them.” The color drained from her face. “A unicorn with a coat the color of mint.”

Mellroch’s expression turned unreadable. “This unicorn,” he said slowly. “Would he happen to have the mark of a white hand on his flank?”

Fluttershy’s head snapped up. “You know Wits?”

“I know Márandir.” The deer’s expression resolved into curiosity. “But what could he want with both a Celva Vanwa cub and the Thestrals, I wonder…” Mellroch’s mood seemed to sour. “It makes the rumors all the more worrying.”

“What rumors?” Fluttershy asked.

“From what reached Midton,” Mellroch said slowly, “he was looking for Thestrals willing to join some organization of his.”

A chill ran down Fluttershy’s spine, straight to the tip of her tail. “Um.” She hesitated, all of the confidence that had come from taming the Misplacer Beast suddenly gone. “Th-that organization… It wouldn’t happen to be, uh, something like… well, something kinda silly, with something to do with villains or evil in it, would it?”

Mellroch thought for a moment. “I do believe one rumor referred to it as a ‘Evil League of Evil’, yes. Why?”

Fluttershy’s mouth formed a thin line. “I think I need to get back to Ponyville.”

With a blink, Mellroch turned his gaze back to her. “How does that follow?”

“Because,” Fluttershy said, “I think your Márandir and my Wits End are planning something.” She hesitated for a moment. “And that they’re the same pony. Sorry, I wasn’t sure if that was clear.”

Chapter 25: Where in Equestria?

“You know... you really would look good in crimson or carmine red,” Light Patch said, looking down from the top of the book shelf.

“And you would look good in the colors of a bruise,” Rarity retorted, glaring up at the colt.

He opened his mouth from a twisted smile, but she cut him off. “Don’t you even,” she warned. She looked at her sketch pad, considering the one accurate drawing she’d made of the costume Light Patch had been influencing her over. “I must ask, why this? I would have thought you’d be more for adventuring gear.”

“I’ve had a song stuck in my head for a while.”

“Well, if you hold still and come closer, I can use some of the books to knock it free of your head.”

“And Twilight would use our hides to bind new books. I’ll stay up here out of range.”

“I’ll tell you what: you stop pestering me about this outfit and I won’t throw anything at you.” She could see the colt’s hesitation. “To sweeten the deal, I won’t even kick you. If you’ll be civil about all of this, I too shall be civil.”

Light Patch peered over the edge of the book shelf and eyed Rarity suspiciously for a few moments before he drifted down to the floor.

“I can do civil. I’ll be the most civil pony ever. I’ll be more civil than a civil servant. I do have to ask why you’re so desperate to be civil about this?” Light Patch asked flitting down to sit at the table Rarity had claimed as hers in the library.

“As a business owner, I am curious how you’re finding that cloak I made for you.” Rarity evaded, pouring a cup of tea for Light Patch.

“Layered Permafrost seems so much happier with that cloak, much better than that burlap sack cloak I watched him cobble together,” Light Patch said coyly, smiling at the way Rarity’s coat bristled when he mentioned what her cloak replaced. “A lot warmer too. Significantly warmer. A lot of the locals have mentioned he strikes a much more imposing figure now and the mercs don’t seem to be as embarrassed to be seen working for him now.” Light Patch took a sip of his tea, pointedly ignoring the way Rarity’s eyes widened when he mentioned the mercenaries.

“So you really are trying to dig up the Orb of Glacious, then?” Rarity pressed.

“That does seem to be Layered Permafrost’s plan.” Light Patch half smiled and sighed, “Who, I must remind you again, is not me. You haven’t forgotten my name, have you, dear?” he asked with a twisted grin on his face.

“Oh come now. Do you really expect me to believe that Layered Permafrost isn’t you?” Rarity asked, arching a skeptical eyebrow.

“Of course I do. Because he is not me and I am not him. Besides, wouldn’t you think that if it was me, I’d have come up with a name that doesn’t match my initials? I might not be at Wit’s level in scheming, but you don’t really think I’m that dumb?”

“Of course not, but as a fellow creative- and don’t try to deny it,” she said, cutting Light Patch off, “Sunset showed some of those shorts stories you’d written and, in any case, we’ve all encountered some version of writers’ block and had to choose the easy answer rather than the more creative one.”

“I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I assure you that LP has no relation to this LP.”

“Well... if you’re the one saying it...” Rarity let the way she trailed off tell Light Patch that she didn’t believe him but was willing to drop this conversation. “Speaking of Wits, how is he doing right now? Do you think he’ll calm down about whatever spat he had with Twilight soon and help us find Purple Heart?”

“He’s quite busy with his own plans. Otherwise, I’d run Layered Permafrost’s plan by him to see if he has any insight. He probably wouldn’t really like me interrupting his little study sessions though,” Light Patch said with a shrug and a noisy sip of tea.

“And just what is he studying? I’m sure Twilight would love to assist him with it,” She asked, ignoring his noisy sips.

“She seems more tempted to help him to learn to breathe without access to air at the moment. And I also see what you're trying to do with this really good tea and cookies I like.”

Rarity smiled sweetly and batted her lashes.

“Why, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You're pumping me for information on me and my friends’ plans,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘friends’ in a way Rarity wouldn’t have ever expected him of all ponies to do.

“S-so, wha-what have you been up to?” Rarity stuttered as she tried to get over her surprise.

“Oh, you know. A little of this and a pinch of that, keeping an eye on the mercs, watching Moon Dancer keep the dig team on target. That artifact spell I lead her to figuring out is actually doing good. Daring Do might have to look out or she might be getting out-scooped before too long.” Rarity snorted.

“From what I’ve heard of Moon Dancer, she’d be more likely to just sit in a library all day. And if she did ever meet Daring Do, she’d likey faint from excitement and be more than happy to team up. Or talk about some literary analysis of the books,” Rarity tittered.

“I don’t know. Leading this dig has really changed her. She seems to be more confident. I think she’s actually planning to pull a Nigel Billingsly before I can get to it,” Light Patch said, snagging a couple more cookies.

“A Nigel Billingsly?” Rarity asked.

“Grab the artifact and pull a runner before I can get my ambiguously shady-evil mitts on it,” Light Patch explained, with a shrug.

“You know, she’s not the only one who’s changed. You and your friends seem to have undergone a fairly significant change yourselves.”

“When you're thrust into life endangering situations and you unfairly keep getting the blame for it, how could you do anything but change?” The grey pegasus blinked. “Oh ho ho no. I see what you're trying to do.” Light Patch pointed a mildly accusing hoof at the alabaster unicorn.

“And just what am I trying to do?” Rarity said, taking a mouth full of tea to hide her gulp of concern.

“You’re trying to get me to monologue. And it’s a bit early in the story for that to happen now, isn’t it? We’re barely into the twenties, chapter wise. In most murder mysteries, the villian doesn’t monolouge until past the halfway point.”

“With you and your friends, it feels more like we’re in some one thousand page novel.” Rarity quipped coolly.

“I thought we were going to be perfectly civil here?” Light Patch asked with a forced smile.

“Of course we are. I was just saying that you and your friends bring so much...” Rarity hesitated for a moment, “depth to what is going on right now.”

Light Patch took a sip of his tea and looked at Rarity with a malicious grin. “Nice save. Speaking of depth, the dig has actually proceeded fairly well. Moon Dancer’s ecstatic about the wealth of artifacts and riches that’ve been unearthed… or should that be unequised? Or maybe un-iced since it’s mostly ice where we’re digging.” Light Patch waved a hoof as if to shoo away flies.

“Thoughts for later. In anycase, she’s been quite happy. It’s mostly Old War relics. What would you expect from a dig on an ancient battlefield? Sometimes I wonder if she’s forgotten about the Orb of Glacious. The miners have to remind her to check every now and then to make sure they are still digging in the right direction.” Light Patch paused for another of the cookies.

“Half of the team are locals and the other half are some diamond dog bandits who owe some of the local ponies. I’ve had to keep a close eye on them to make sure they don’t pilfer too much to sell on the market. Though, the big thing I’m worried about them doing is calling in some more friends without as many scruples to help them take the Orb for themselves.”

“It sounds like you’ve been able to keep a lid on things for the most part,” Rarity commented. “Neither Twilight nor I could track down much information on the Orb and Moon Dancer seemed moderately convinced we were there on Twilight’s behalf.”

“My ability to poof around and show up at hilariously inopportune times for nefarious actions haa been helping. But I’m afraid they’re getting better at avoiding that.” Light Patch sighed.

“I’m sure you, Moon Dancer, and the locals are doing your best to keep dangerous things out of the paws of scrupulous diamond dogs,” Rarity drawled.

“I’m doing my best, but lately, Layered Permafrost has been worried about another issue. Two larger groups of bandits have been skulking around the area. He had me focus on them primarily. He’s actually worried the dogs might have gotten a message to one or both of the groups,” Light Patch added.

“I’m sure if you and Layered Permafrost put your minds to it, you could easily come up with a plan to deal with the two bandit groups. Or you could ask the Crystal Empire to send some of their guards up to improve your security.”

“Why not? Because the best way to say ‘there’s nothing to look at’ is to post armed guards and build fences with signs saying there’s nothing to look at and to move along,” Light Patch riposted, an eyebrow raising up over the brim of his teacup as if the steam of the tea had lifted it.

“Ah. So, curiosity is a hard thing to deal with.”

“Of course. It doesn’t help that Layered seems to be changing his plans on the fly a little.”

“And what makes you say that, Light?”

“Well, he’s been letting Moon Dancer double check some of his math. It sounds like he’s gone from just finding a way to jump from one universe to another to making the path a little more structured and permanent,” Light Patch explained as he took another cookie.

Rarity choked on her tea, just barely managing to not do a spit take. “I don’t know much about teleportation or portals, but even I know that it takes immense power and precision to accomplish such a feat. Without an alicorn, where would he get that much magic, let alone use it?”

“I’d have gone to Wits myself, but it’s not my plan and he’s busy anyway.”

“Naturally.”

“Yes, naturally. I think he’s letting Moon Dancer in on things with the hopes of her channeling it. As for the power, well, the Orb is leaking so much of it even I as a pegasus could feel it. He’s probably hoping to syphon the magic from it.” Light Patch jumped at a slight buzzing sound coming from his pocket. Rarity opened her mouth to ask what it was, but the grey pegasus pulled out the pocket watch she’d heard Twilight describe so many times she’d started to see it in her recent dreams.

It took all of her willpower to not drop her cup and lunge over the table for the timepiece if only for the purpose to stop Twilight’s constant whining. However, she resisted the urge and remained seated, though her tense body belied her ambivalence.

“I know it’s very rude to leave as suddenly as I showed up, especially considering the effort you’ve put into this,” Light said, taking a couple more cookies, “but I’m afraid that my hoof is being rather forced at this point.” He then vanished.

Rarity sat there, staring at where the pegasus and that pocket watch had been mere moments ago. She sighed, a small bit of relief flooding through her before a shock of cold realization shot down her spine. She was relieved to know that Light was not planning to use the Orb for what it was originally intended for, but she couldn’t imagine using it as a power source for a connection between universes. More troubling however was that his plan, by his own admission, had shifted and if it moved once could it not move again.

Rarity shook her head to clear her thoughts. She was about to calmly finish her tea before she recalled the one big concern the pegasus had. When her mind connected that with the reason for his hasty departure, she decided good grace be damned and gulped the last of her tea and bolted for the door to warn Twilight.

* * *

Rainbow Dash hovered at what was, at least to her, a blisteringly slow speed. “Remind me again what we’re looking for? And why we’re taking our sweet time about it?”

Fluttershy—the reason for the slow-down—was walking a few steps behind her, wings folded at her sides. “Um, we’re trying to find any other ponies who’ve talked to Wits? Aaaaand we’re going slow because, uh, they aren’t going anywhere, I guess?”

The rainbow-maned mare rolled her eyes, then turned so that she was facing her friend, hovering backwards all the while. “You know, I thought that of all of us, you and Twilight would be the ones tryin’ to find that Portobello colt.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Fluttershy asked. “Also, um, it’s Falabella-”

“Well,” Rainbow Dash interrupted, “Wits kept callin’ you his waifu, right? And whenever he needed help from one of us, he went straight to you. Based on what Twilight said about what happened in that human world of Sunset’s, it sounds like the same thing went for that world’s version of Fluttershy too.” She flipped onto her back, paddling the air with her wings. “It’s pretty obvious he’s got some sort of feeling for you,” she mused, then a wide grin spread across her face. “Any chance those feelings are reciprocated?”

“Wh-wh-what?” Fluttershy’s face turned red. “I don’t- I’m- He’s-”

Rainbow Dash broke into a giggle fit, nearly colliding with a tree as she recovered. “Relax, ‘Shy, I’m just teasing! But you gotta admit, you two got pretty close during the first part of Discord’s ponynapp- I mean, adventure.”

Fluttershy turned her head so that her mane hid her blush and mumbled something unintelligible. “And you didn’t?” she said eventually.

“Eh.” Rainbow Dash rolled over and slowed so that she hovered next to her friend. “It’s not like we had a whole lot of adventure together. It was more like we both happened to be in the same room at the same time.” She glanced over at Fluttershy. “Not that I don’t like the little guy, mind you. I think he was just more interested in you than me.”

Fluttershy had sunk about as far into her mane as she could while still walking forward. “Wh-what about Twilight?” she asked, desperate to distract Rainbow Dash from embarrassing her further.

Fortunately, Dash took the bait. “I mean, it’s almost just as obvious, but in typical Twilight fashion neither of them seem to realize it. They butt heads and lock horns so often, they might as well be engaged at this point. Heck, their names are practically anagrams of each other.”

“That sounds more like they don’t like each other.”

“Nah, nah, nah. You gotta remember that these are two pretty smart ponies. That means they thought of every logical explanation for why they keep fighting, and completely ignored the emotional one.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Twi thinks Wits is specifically coming after her for revenge. I say this is just an extension of their ongoing will-they-won’t-they. I mean, she’s even magic-proofed her castle so he can’t get in through the doors or windows. That’s a little excessive, don’t you think?”

Fluttershy was silent for a while. “Um… Since when do you care about how ponies feel about each other?”

Rainbow Dash stopped hovering, standing still on her hooves. “Look, I’ve had a lot of time and not a lot to do,” she said defensively. “Wits blowing up Trixie’s wagon was the last real exciting thing I got to take care of around here.”

“Oh… Oh!” Fluttershy clapped her forehooves together. “We should talk to Trixie!”

“I thought we were looking for ponies who’ve talked to Wits?”

“Do you think that Wits would leave Ponyville without talking to the last pony who’s property he accidentally destroyed? He probably stopped by to apologize.”

“Or practice gloating,” Rainbow Dash added. “Alright, let’s go ask. I think her new wagon is still out on the edge of town.” The mare took off again, shooting down the street so fast she left a trail with all of the colors of her namesake.

Fluttershy, after the air around them had calmed down again, lifted a few inches off the ground with her wings, and followed at a much more reasonable pace.

It didn’t take long for the two mares to meet up again outside of Trixie’s new wagon, one that looked an awful lot like the old one, but far cleaner and with less road damage. “So, how’re we gonna play this?” Rainbow Dash asked. She punched her forehooves together. “Good guard, bad guard?”

Fluttershy blanched. “Wh-what? No, we’re just asking friendly questions!”

Rainbow Dash seemed to deflate slightly. “I never get to be the bad guard,” she grumbled before rapping her hoof against the door. “Trixie! It’s the Fast and Incredible Rainbow Dash! Open up!”

Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow. “Fast and Incredible?”

“She was going on about being Great and Powerful and all sorts of other epithets. I had to speak her language.” The two of them waited for a few seconds, but there didn’t appear to be any movement from within the wagon. Rainbow Dash sighed heavily and knocked again, more gently this time. “It’s the Lowly and Apologetic Rainbow Dash,” she droned.

The door swung open immediately to reveal Trixie, dressed in her full magician’s regalia, and a big, smug grin on her face. “And what can the Benevolent and Formerly Wronged Trixie do for you two?” she asked with all of the melodrama that her career required.

Fluttershy glanced at Rainbow Dash, then turned back to Trixie. “Um… Can we come in and talk?”

Trixie thought for a moment. “Trixie has no other pressing concerns. Please, enter.” She retreated into the wagon. “Trixie shall prepare a most welcoming tea!”

Fluttershy looked back at her companion, who had already started towards the door. “Lowly and Apologetic?”

“I had to speak her language,” Rainbow Dash said flatly. She took a seat at a small round table in the center of the wagon, then sniffed the air. “What’s that smell?”

“The Lowly and Apologetic Rainbow Dash,” Trixie replied, setting a kettle on a small burner in the corner, “likely smells a cheeseburger.”

“Cheeseburger?” Dash sniffed again as Fluttershy sat down next to her. “Smells good. What’s in it?”

Trixie took a seat across from them. “I… don’t know, to be honest.”

“You don’t want to know,” Fluttershy said, her face pale.

Rainbow Dash turned to her. “You know what a cheeseburger is?”

“Trust me on this one,” Fluttershy said, swallowing hard. The blood had drained from her cheeks. “You don’t want to know. I worked with some Griffons once who told me. They shouldn’t have told me, but they did. And now I’m telling you: you don’t want to know.”

“...So!” Trixie cleared her throat. “What would you like to talk to Trixie about?”

“You know that unicorn I talked to you about before?” Rainbow Dash asked, taking the initiative while Fluttershy practiced the anti-anxiety exercise Twilight used.

“The one who destroyed Trixie’s last wagon, along with almost all of her worldly possessions?” A hard edge crept its way into Trixie’s voice as she spoke, only to vanish the moment after she asked the question. “Sure, what about him?”

“Have you seen him around lately?”

Trixie went silent. A strange silvery haze seemed to flit about in the corner of her eyes for a brief moment before vanishing again. At that moment, the kettle began to whistle. “Excuse me for just one moment,” Trixie said, standing and trotting over to the burner.

Fluttershy leaned closer to Rainbow Dash and whispered. “I think she’s hiding something.”

“Ya think?” Dash muttered back, keeping an eye on the unicorn as she added tea leaves to a teapot and collected mugs. “Did you see her eyes?”

Fluttershy nodded. “She’s under some sort of spell, at the very least.”

“5 bits says it’s the same spell Wits got from that knock-off Celestia in Discord’s game world.”

“Guiding Sunlight? We should get Twilight. Maybe she can break the spell?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Not yet. If we run off now, she might run away too. Let’s let this play out, see what info we can get out of her, then we’ll hightail it to Twilight’s.” The two of them separated as Trixie started walking back to them, a steaming teapot and three mugs following behind her.

“You were asking if Trixie has seen the unicorn who ruined her life and caused her severe emotional distress.” Trixie said, as if to refresh the conversation as she poured the tea. “Well, I have. He came by the next day.”

Dash’s eyebrows shot up almost to where her mane started. “He did?”

Trixie nodded, summoning small containers of cream and sugar from her kitchen. “He apologised for what he had done, and asked for some help with teleportation.”

“And what did you tell him?”

Trixie paused, a sugar cube hovering above her mug of tea. “Trixie may have said some things that she cannot repeat in mixed company.”

Dash’s eyes narrowed. “Secrets?”

“Expletives.” Trixie sipped her tea, then added another splash of cream. “It would not be good for my reputation if the general public learned that the Great and Powerful Trixie had picked up some habits from performing for sailors in Baltimare and taxi drivers in Manehatten.”

“I see…” Rainbow Dash glanced over at Fluttershy, who was busy sipping her own tea. “And what did he do after that?”

Trixie shrugged with her eyes closed. “He ran away before Trixie could get to the most colorful parts of her vocabulary. Or perhaps by my threat to drop what was left of my original wagon on him. It’s difficult to tell.” She sipped her tea with a quiet slurp. “Trixie got quite heated. Never even got his name. Just,” she motioned something moving away at high speed and whistled.

“Sorry I missed it,” Dash muttered. “So you haven’t seen him since then?”

Once again, the silvery light seemed to glow behind Trixie’s eyes for just a moment. “Nope,” she said, sipping her tea. “Haven’t seen hide nor hair of Wits since then.”

Fluttershy tapped Rainbow Dash on the shoulder—an unnecessary motion. “Didn’t you just say you didn’t get his name?” the rainbow-maned pegasus asked.

Trixie blinked. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Wits End.” Rainbow Dash’s gaze turned hard. “You just said he never said his name.”

“He didn’t,” Trixie said with a frown.

“Then how did you know it just now?”

“I…” To their surprise, Trixie’s expression shifted to one of confusion. “You… must have said it at some point.

“Um.” Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably. “We didn’t.”

“What?” Trixie’s confusion grew stronger, and she set her mug on the table. Her eyebrows knitted together as she stared at a point just above the table’s surface. “I must’ve heard it somewhere…”

“Trixie.” Rainbow Dash put a forehoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder, as if ready to push her to safety. “Have you seen Wits End since he came to ask you questions after destroying your wagon?”

The silver light flashed again at the edge of Trixie’s eyes. “Nope,” she said. “Haven’t seen hide nor hair of Wits since then.” She blinked. “Wait…”

“And what did Wits do after you yelled at him?”

“He ran away,” Trixie said, her eyes glinting with silver, “before Trixie could get to the most colorful parts of her vocabulary.” She shook her head, as if to clear the light from her eyes. “What is happening?”

Fluttershy glanced at Rainbow Dash. “Um, yeah, what’s happening?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Pretty basic hypnotism. She’s got a pre-programmed response to certain questions.”

“How do you know that?”

“...Well, I might’ve read it in a book once.” Fluttershy raised an eyebrow, and Rainbow Dash sighed. “It was the plot twist in a Daring Do book, alright? My point is that if Wits is a villain, he’s probably acting on the same level as the bad guys in those books. They always leave a hint that gives it away.”

“Basic hypnotism?” Trixie spluttered. “Are you trying to insinuate that the Great and Powerful Trixie is under the effect of some cheap magician’s trick?”

Rainbow Dash smirked. “Have you seen Wits since he destroyed your wagon?”

“Nope. Haven’t seen hide nor hair of Wits since then. Buck!” Trixie slammed her hat on the table, rattling the mugs and spilling the cream. “How long has this spell been on me?!”

“I dunno,” Dash chuckled. “When was the last time you saw Wits? Was it some time after he destroyed your wagon?”

“The unicorn who ruined Trixie’s life and caused her severe emotional distress? He came by the next day. Stop doing that!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Rainbow Dash held up her forehooves to keep the showpony back. “Well, at least it seems like you’re not doing this willingly.”

“Willingly?” Trixie was out of her seat and stomping around the small room. “Of course I’m not being willingly mind controlled! The inside of Trixie’s brain is not something to be scrambled and manipulated like… like… like some common Ponyville plebeian!” She paused, and turned to the two pegasi. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Rainbow Dash said sarcastically. “What’d you think, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy, who had been trying to clean up the spilled cream before it sank into the new floorboards, looked up. “What?”

“Should we take her to Twilight? See if she can figure out what’s going on with the Brainwashed and Puppetted Trixie?”

“I do not like that epithet,” Trixie muttered.

“Um, I think we probably should,” Fluttershy said slowly. “Maybe Twilight can fix whatever Wits did. Or… maybe she can track it back to him?”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Sounds like something she’d be able to figure out.” She turned to Trixie. “Ready to go?”

Trixie brushed off her hat and resettled it on her head. “The Great and Powerful Trixie was born ready.”

“Oh really?” Dash asked. “Hey, when was the last time you saw-”

Trixie held up a hoof. “Trixie is ready,” she said simply.

The three ponies trotted out of the wagon. Trixie was the last to leave, and once the door was empty her horn glowed with magic. A moment later, a soft ‘woop woop’ came from the wagon. “What was that?” Fluttershy asked.

“What?” Trixie raised an eyebrow. “I’m supposed to leave without locking it?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go. It’s gonna take us long enough with both of you walking.” A thought struck her, and she turned to Trixie. “Hey, can you teleport us to the castle?”

“I don’t see why not. Hold on to your lunches, please!” Trixie focused for a moment. In an instant, the three mares vanished in a burst of pink magic. An instant later, and the mares appeared in Twilight’s castle, right next to the friendship map. “Please take care as you disembark from Trixie Airlines, and be sure to collect your baggage as you leave.”

“I think Wits has a point about the teleportation sickness,” Fluttershy muttered.

Twilight, who had been taking another shot at fixing the map, stared at the newly arrived ponies. “What’re you doing here?”

Rainbow Dash lifted off the ground, gesturing to Trixie. “Looks like the Great and Powerful had a run-in with-”

“Not you.” Twilight cut her off with a raised hoof. Her eyes narrowed as she looked past the three ponies. “You.”

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy followed her glare past Trixie to a point behind them. As they turned, the door leading out clicked shut. Standing by them stood a stallion, his coat cyan and mint, and a glowing horn upon his head. Wits End turned to face them, a smirk on his face. “Did ya miss me?”

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “But… I thought Twilight magic-proofed the castle-” Her eyes grew wide, and she turned on the other unicorn in the room. “You.”

“Me?” Trixie asked, a wide grin on her face.

“You’re working with him?”

“Did Trixie leave that part out?” Trixie stuck her tongue out and winked. “Oops.”

Chapter 26: It's all gone to shit, Kuppo Two~ Electric Boogaloo~

“Wits,” Twilight said coldly, staring the mint-colored unicorn down. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy moved to stand on either side of her. “What did you do to Trixie?”

“Do?” Wits shrugged as Trixie came to a stop next to him. “All I did was ask her if she’d be willing to help me out a little bit with teleportation.”

“You always said Trixie should be more helpful,” Trixie mused at Twilight, silver light glinting in the corner of her eyes.

Wits saw the look in Twilight’s eyes and grinned. “I might have asked for a few other things since then. She’s been very helpful.”

“A model assistant,” Trixie agreed. “The Great and Useful Trixie.”

Rainbow Dash leaned next to Twilight’s ear and whispered. “So… Is she under his control? Or just being a jerk again?”

“Mind control,” Twilight muttered back immediately, then paused. “Maybe. I mean, like 3 to 2 odds.” She raised her voice, interrupting what was probably clever banter between the two villains. “What do you want, Wits?”

“Nopony asks what Trixie wants,” the showmare grumbled.

“To talk,” Wits said. “We have some things unresolved between us.”

“Romantic tension?” Fluttershy gasped quietly.

“Not the time,” Rainbow Dash hissed.

Twilight blinked, then shook her head. “We’ll talk about that later,” she shot back at her companions. “What do you want to talk about, Wits? It’s not too late for you and your friends to come back and for us to work together on this. I’m not mad, or even upset at this point.” She stepped forward, her expression softening. “I’ve been where you are now, Wits. I’ve been confused and searching for my purpose in-”

“Hey, I’m the villain!” Wits interrupted. “I’m the one who gets to say ‘we can work together’ and ‘we’re not so different, you and I’.” He sighed, and turned to Trixie. “Threw off my entire groove… Now I’ve forgotten my big speech.”

“Unconditional surrender,” Trixie offered patiently.

“Right, yes. Thank you.” He turned back to the three Elements of Harmony. “I’m here to offer you the chance for unconditional surrender.”

“You wanna surrender to us?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Very well, we accept.”

“Shush, you. By now, I’m sure you’re starting to piece together what I’ve been working on.” Wits had started pacing by now, keeping an eye on the mares at all times. “Let me assure you that what I’m about to say is not an idle or empty threat. I can, and will, conquer all of Equestria before winter falls.”

“So it’s not a laser that makes you lose your place in your book...” Fluttershy mused.

Wits paused. “No… but that’s a really good idea. Trixie, take note of that for in-case Twilight starts some sort of underground resistance in my new empire.” He resumed his pacing, his steps losing their dramatic slowness and becoming more energetic as he got into his speech. “From the time I put my plan into motion, you will have no more than a few months before Equestria’s government is toppled and its leaders subsumed into my own.” He paused again. “Subsumed? Assimilated? Whatever, you get the point. I’ve already taken you six into account with my plan, so I recommend you skip the part where you say that you’ll stop me.”

“But we will stop you!” Rainbow Dash shot back.

Wits glared at her. “What did I just say about skipping that part?”

“Told you she’d say that,” Trixie said. “Her next line is ‘you should be the one surrendering to us instead.’”

Rainbow Dash hovered ahead of the other two mares and pointed a hoof dramatically at Wits. “You should be the one surrendering to us instead!”

Wits whistled softly. “You called it. They really are predictable, huh?”

“Trixie has had much experience with this,” Trixie sighed.

“Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy inched closer to the alicorn, who had been silent while Wits and the others had been talking. “What do we do? If Wits says he has a plan, then he has a plan. Even if it’s not necessarily a, uh... good one.”

“I heard that!” Wits shouted.

“Yeah, Twi.” Rainbow Dash dropped back to her place next to Twilight. “It’s three against two. Think we can take’m?”

Twilight sighed. “You two stay back,” she said slowly as she stepped forward again. “Go get AJ, Rarity, and Pinkie, just in case.” She kept her eyes on Wits End as she moved forward, her expression unreadable. “You know what I got out of your little monologue, Wits?”

Wits chuckled to himself. “My little monologue: friendship is threatening.”

“What I got out of it,” Twilight continued, “is that you have a plan that, if you started it, would cause damage across all of Equestria.”

“Would conquer Equestria,” Wits corrected. “No point in destroying the country you’re planning on ruling.”

“A plan that you have not yet put into motion.”

Wits paused. “Well,” he said eventually, “I had to, you know… gloat. That’s what villains do when they have a secret evil plan. They announce it to the world.”

“So,” Twilight said, coming to a stop a few paces away from Wits End, “That means that if I stop you right now, you won’t be able to cause any more damage.”

“Ah.” Wits frowned. “Yes. See, I kinda thought you’d try to talk me out of my plan.”

Twilight grinned wickedly back at him. “I know you, Wits,” she said. “Talking is what you expect.”

Wits hesitated, glancing at Trixie. He was silent for several seconds as he thought, then a small smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Aaaaand what don’t I expect?” he asked.

The nearest throne from around the map shot out, slamming into the stallion and sending him crashing through the door. “High intensity violence,” Twilight said nonchalantly.

Trixie stared at the hole in the door. Slowly, she turned her gaze back to the Princess of Friendship, who had just cold-clocked the villain with furniture. “For the record,” she said shakily, “Trixie’s part of the plan was completely non-violent.”

Twilight didn’t have time to respond before the throne spun back through the door, the narrow miss sending her mane flying. The doors snapped off their hinges, each one held by three spectral hands. “If you throw another chair at me,” Wits spat, “I’m gonna lose it.”

“Girls, now!” Twilight’s wings flared as she took off, heading up while Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy broke to either side. Both pegasi screeched to a halt as the map room’s doors slammed into the walls just in front of them. “Lightning Bolt!”

“What?” Wits looked up, ready to dodge the lightning. He missed a second throne until the last moment, flinging himself out of the way just before it hit him. “That’s cheating!”

“Real spells don’t have vocal components!” Twilight shot back. Her distraction had given her friends time to get past Wits and out of the castle. Now I just have to buy time, she thought. “How’d you get in?” she called from her place near the ceiling. “I warded the entire castle to keep you out.”

“Yeah, and only me. Not anypony else. Plus, Trixie had a teleportation recall spell that took priority.” Wits’ hands picked up the remaining thrones, holding them in a rough circle around where he stood. “I’m done monologuing, by the way. You won’t catch me with that one again.”

“Fine by me.” Twilight grabbed the abandoned doors with her magic and swung them towards Wits. Trixie let out a squeak and vanished, teleporting out of the castle to avoid becoming collateral damage. The doors slammed together, sending dust up from the impact.

The dust cleared, revealing Wits standing exactly where he had been before. Each door, slammed shut around him, had a pony-sized hole punched out of them right where he was standing. He grinned, and flung the thrones up at Twilight in rapid succession. Each of her own escape routes was blocked by another piece of furniture rapidly approaching.

Twilight vanished just before the first throne hit her, reappearing behind Wits. “Stop trying to break my castle,” she growled, latching onto his midsection with her magic. She had just enough time to see the grin on his face before he struck.

A larger magic hand formed above her, snatching her up with a comical ‘squeak’ sound that Twilight was sure Wits had added himself. The hand lashed out, flinging Twilight through one of the crystalline glass windows that ringed the room, and out of the crystal castle. She landed in a sprawl to the gasps of passing ponies.

Wits End stepped through the remains of the window a moment later. “Stop trying to break my everything,” he snapped, brushing a few stray motes of her magic from his shoulder, “and maybe we can be civil about trying to beat the carp out of each other!” Perfect, he thought. Midpoint of the battle. She recovers slightly, gets the upper-hoof, and takes the battle. Flawless victory.

Slowly, Twilight got to her hooves again. “What’re you trying to get out of this?” she spat at him. “Why bother with this villain story you’ve come up with for yourself? We both know you don’t want to do this, so why go through with it?”

That got Wits to pause. “Who says I don’t want to do this?” he asked. “I mean, I’ve gone through all the trouble.”

“Because if you wanted to be a villain, you wouldn’t bother with evil schemes and dramatic reveals.” Twilight straightened herself, glaring straight at him. “Remember how you dealt with Holdfast?” Wits’ jaw clenched, and Twilight took that as a sign to keep pushing. “If you were serious about taking over Equestria, you’d play the same long game you did with him, just with myself and the other Princesses instead of him.” She saw hesitation enter his expression, and her own face softened. “You can change sides again, Wits. I believe in you.”

“You don’t.” His words were enough to force her stumbling back. Wits wasn’t even looking at her now. “You don’t now, and you haven’t since you got me out of wherever we were. And unless I conform to whatever your idea of ‘normal Wits End’ is, you won’t believe in me.” He met her eyes, his jaw set. “And that Wits isn’t here right now.”

For the first time since the fight had started—for the first time since she had found him in Midton—Twilight looked at Wits and truly saw him. Teeth clenched, eyes hard, and hooves faintly trembling. She blinked, and focused again. One foreleg in particular seemed unsteady, and Wits was keeping his weight off of it.

One foreleg that had a thin scar running from the shoulder down, and leading to a crack that ran from one side of the hoof to the other.

Something clicked in the back of Twilight’s mind. Her eyes moved back up to his. “And who, exactly, is here?” she asked. Unfortunately, her question wasn’t answered as a shrill cry tore through the air, surprising her and Wits.

“Twilight!” Rarity cried out as she charged towards the confrontation, “Pardon me, Wits,” she apologized, nearly bowling him over. “I-I-” Rarity’s hooves dug trenches as she skidded to a stop in front of Twilight, stammering from her panic and panting from exhaustion.

“Rarity, deep breaths,” Twilight soothed, placing a hoof on her panicked friend's shoulder, trying to get her to calm down and explain what had her so worried. After a moment, Twilight glanced at Wits End. The stallion jerked his head towards Rarity and nodded, dismissing the spectral hands around him. Rarity took several deep slow breaths, during which time Light Patch lazily floated down to the growing gathering from one of the upper floor windows.

“Those jokes about him,” Rarity thrust her hoof towards Light Patch, “wanting to watch the world burn might not have been as exaggerated as we’d have all thought.”

“What's he done, suggest you dye your hair blue or use… What was that typeface you three hate? Sans comicals?” Twilight asked, looking at Wits End.

“Comic Sans,” Wits End supplied, glancing at his hovering friend.

“Yes, that one. Has he gone and redone all of your business ads in it or something?”

“Much worse,” Rarity replied.

“Did he doodle on your sketch books? I know a spell that can deal with that quickly, but can we talk about what little pranks Light’s done later? Wits and I were kind of in the middle of something” Twilight interrupted again.

“Time is of the essence Twilight! And why do you assume I’d panic over something as infantile as that?” Rarity countered, a frown on her face. She shook her head. “Nevermind. He’s trying to dig up the Orb of Glacious!” She shouted, pointing at Light Patch. The other three ponies in the room whirled to look at the pegasus with expressions of surprise on their faces.

“Who, me? I did nothing.” Light Patch looked halfway between injured and smug. “I’m just a neutral observer watching as Layered Permafrost cons Moondancer into helping him dig the Orb up. I’m just helping him run a little security,” Light Patch ate one of the cookies slowly, “which is being made harder by the two bandit groups in the area sniffing around now, but hey, maybe I can make them fight each other. That would rather solve the problem, wouldn’t it?”

Wits shot a look at Light Patch, eyebrows knitting together. “You seem remarkably nonplussed by all of this,” he said slowly. “I had to work hard to get somepony to want to fight me.”

“It was more of a pity fight.” Twilight coughed. “Sorry, that was a cough.”

“Look, I’m the villain! I’m the one who’s supposed to do the sassing!” Wits turned his focus back to his friend. “Patchy, do you have anything to do with the Orb of Whateveritwas?”

“Me? Noo, I just heard about it on a tour through some Canterlot museums and figured I’d go see it for myself and just popped out above Layered’s little mining operation. I may have hinted where he might get a more impressive cloak than the burlap potato sack he had been using.” Light Patch mock sniffed and wiped a non existent tear from his eye. “It hurts that no one seems to believe I’m just an observer in this, not even one of my best friends.”

“And what about the townponies who might get caught up in any fight you start between those bandits?” Rarity accused.

“Oh please. This is Equestria! You heroes will charge in, beat up the bad guys, save the day, get a little parade, and an article or two in the papers. As a song says, ‘the beat goes on’.” Light Patch shrugged, “Like I said, I’m just helping him with a few little security things when I float on past.”

Wits frowned. “Small nudges and entertainment don’t sound very neutral. I thought you were watching us for your amusement, not starting your own.”

Light Patch rolled his eyes. “But you guys have been so boring~,” he groaned. “One of you’s been building a desperate play for attention, and the other’s been building… well, a play.”

“‘Play for attention’?” Wits glanced at Twilight before turning his full attention on the pegasus. “It’s not a play for attention! It’s a very serious scheme of evil intent!”

“With the goal being?”

“To take over the world!” Wits fell silent for a moment. “Okay, granted. When I say it like that, it does sound kinda lame.”

Light Patch nodded. “A little, yeah.”

“Hey man, come on.” Wits managed to catch himself before his hurt tone made it to his expression. He turned to Twilight. “Back me up here, Twi. Taking over the world is a genuine villain plot, right?”

Twilight stared blankly at the unicorn. After a few seconds, she shrugged.

“Et tu, Crepusculum? Why aren’t you weighing in on this?”

“I’m buying time,” Twilight replied.

“Buying time? Again? For what?”

The sound of armored hoofbeats filled the air. Twilight raised a forehoof, pointing down the road. “For that.”

The assembly of ponies turned towards the approaching guard ponies. Twilight’s smug grin shrunk and was replaced by a frown by the time the five armored ponies reached her.

“I thought there would be more of you,” she muttered. With a shake of her mane, she looked at the lead pony, a red coated mare bearing the liveryed sash of a sergeant. The sergeant stepped forward and removed her helm, giving her yellow mane a sharp toss to rid herself of the helmet hair.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” the sergeant greeted, inclining her head in deference.

“Sergeant...” Twilight trailed off expectantly.

“Canterlet, your highness,” the mare replied promptly. “Tibal Canterlet, Sergeant of 10th Squad of the Canterlot Royal Guard. I come with the latest law enacted by the Equestrian Senate as its contents pertains in no small part to you and your constituents.”

Twilight blinked, sharing surprised looks with the rest of the Elements. “Law?” she echoed. “A law enacted by the Senate I suggested? And what law would that be, pray tell?”

Tibal pursed her lips and waved a wing at her squad. One of her squadmates stepped forward and pulled out a scroll bound in purple silk from their satchel. With a sharp tug, the silk dropped to the ground and the scroll unfurled. Tibal ignored the scroll and nodded her head at Twilight. The guard pony offered the document and Twilight took hold of it with her magic, frowning at the parchment.

“‘By order of the Senate of Equestria’,” Twilight read, “‘the Elements of Harmony consisting of the ponies Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkamena Diane Pie, is hereby ordered to cease all current activities and assemble at the Senate Building in Canterlot to await further assignment’.” Twilight looked up from the parchment as the mares crowded around her to read over her shoulder. “This is just an order of summons.”

Tibal blinked in surprise. “Is it really? That’s annoying.” She threw a meaningful look at the guard pony beside her. The guard dug into their satchel again and pulled out another scroll bound in purple silk. Tibal took the scroll and opened it herself.

“Aha,” she coughed. “This is the new law.” She held out the scroll for Twilight to read.

Ponyville Accords

The Elements of Harmony, currently consisting of the ponies Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkamena Diane Pie, are, as of (mumble mumble date and fumble), placed under the watch of the newly commissioned Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS).

Article I - the Purpose of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS): The Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) is tasked with reviewing and assessing the status of any situation within or without the borders of Equestria. The Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) has the power to dictate an appropriate response to whatever situation is brought before them.

Article II - the Elements of Harmony: The Elements of Harmony, and any constituents connected to the group, can only carry out fieldwork if a) the circumstances require the skill and capability of the Elements of Harmony and b) if three (3) members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) sign off on the operation. Under NO circumstances are any of the members of the Elements of Harmony, or any constituents connected to the group, allowed to leave the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) HQ without any oversight by no less than three (3) members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS).

Tibal rolled up the scroll and returned it to her squadmate while the Elements of Harmony stared slack-jawed at her.

“Huh... I... didn’t see that one coming.” Light Patch muttered.

“This reeks of Purple Heart,” Wits added, his eyebrows knitted together in frustration, “and something else I can’t say without ruining the rating.”

“Guess his plan was more than ‘just do a play’. Looks like he made a bill and took it to Capitol Hill.”

“A surprise to be sure,” Wits replied, “but a welcome one.” His words drew the attention of the others causing them to notice that he was currently being held by Light Patch so he too could also read the scroll. “What? You lot were crowding around it and I want to read it too.” He tapped the pegasus’ foreleg. “Alright, put me down.”

Light Patch shrugged. “Your plan still sucks.”

“...I left myself wide open for that.” Wits twisted out of Light Patch’s grip and landed in front of Tibal. “So, I assume I’m under arrest as well, then?”

Tibal raised an eyebrow. “And you are?”

Wits stared at the guardspony for a moment. “Wits End,” he explained. “Evil villain? Just did a whole bit about conquering the world?” He jerked his head at the castle behind them. “Broke that window in an epic battle with the Princess of Friendship?”

“I see.” Tibal produced a notepad and pen, scribbled something on it, and tore out the top page. “Here.”

“What’s this?”

“A ticket for property damage. Pay for the damage caused within 30 days, or pay a fine and for the damage.”

“I- A- You-” Wits shook his head, taking the ticket. “You’re really gonna just… do me dirty like that?”

Tibal tilted her head. “I don’t even know who you are.” Wits stood stock still for a few moments before he noticed movement next to him. He turned his head to see Light Patch holding a squeeze tube of burn ointment towards him.

“You’re mocking me, aren’t you?” Wits End said through gritted teeth as he tried to keep a hold of his anger for his actual target of frustration.

“Absolutely,” Light Patch replied with a big grin on his face. Wits knocked the tube out of his hoof and faced Tibal again.

Before Wits could start his tirade, Tibal held up a hoof. “Look, I have a schedule to keep, and six Elements of Harmony to haul up to Canterlot. Unless you’re the secret seventh Element of Uselessness, please step aside and let me do my job.”

Wits gasped, clutched his chest, and crumbled to the ground. “Help,” he groaned. “My feelings.” He waited a moment for the guardsmare’s reaction, only to find her stepping over him to escort Rarity and Twilight. Instantly, he was back on his feet. “Oh, come on! Isn’t anyone gonna take me seriously around here?”

“Actually,” Twilight said, putting herself directly in front of Tibal, “as Princess of Friendship and an Element of Harmony, I don’t see why any of us should be answering to some committee when there’s a potential threat right here.” She gestured at Wits End. Tibal eyed the mint-colored colt again for a mere moment before turning back to Twilight.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seemed to me that you had him taken care of when I arrived,” she said. “Therefore, I see no reason to acknowledge him beyond the ticket for property damage. Wouldn’t you say that potential threat has been neutralized?” Tibal donned her helm and stepped aside and gestured for the mares to get a move on. “Now, are you going to come address the senate and attempt to overturn this law? Or do I need to call the higher ups for your insubordination?”

Twilight sputtered. “Insubordination?” She opened her mouth to continue, but stopped when she saw Wits raise his hoof.

“Whoever your boss is,” Wits said, “tell them that they’re making a mistake.”

Tibal sighed. “I’ll make sure it’s in the report. Happy?”

“Hardly. You’re stealing my protagonists. I am most put-out” Wits turned his focus to Twilight. “Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan.” He turned away before Twilight could respond, glaring at Light Patch as he summoned a magical hand. “You, me, and the bruise. Now.” He snapped the fingers of the hand, and a split second later he was enveloped in a deep blue cloud. When the cloud dissipated, Wits was gone.

Light Patch shrugged. “Have fun with bureaucracy,” he said, trotting away and vanishing behind a corner.

Rarity leaned next to Twilight. “Did Wits End seem different to you?” she asked.

“Yes,” Twilight muttered back. “They both did, in a couple of ways.”

“So now what do we do?”

“Now?” Twilight shook her head. “We bring this up before a committee.”

* * *

Ominous lights came on from the improvised halo-esque lamp hanging over the cavernous room’s central table. Aside from the set of maps and lanterns that were scattered about from the last time the room was used, it was completely empty.

Wits kicked the door open with one hindhoof. “Purple Heart, holy f-” His exclamation cut off as he stared at the empty basement, his words echoing faintly. “Great,” he muttered as he entered, “and he’s late to his own flank-whooping. Where is everyone?”

“Sorry, I had to pop the corn and find my glasses,” Light Patch said, strutting up to his chair. “If you’d like, I could try to find him to bring him in. But it might take some time.” The grey pegasus adjusted the cyan magenta lensed glasses he wore before checking his burned chair for structural integrity.

“I do not have enough time,” Wits retorted, putting over-emphasis on the words. “This boiling rage of mine’s liable to burn out if I don’t aim it at him soon enough. I’m calling a friend.” Two spectral hands appeared over the unicorn’s head and clapped twice.

A moment later, Trixie appeared next to Wits in a flash of magenta light. “You know,” she huffed, “the deal was that Trixie teleports you, not that you tell Trixie to teleport Tri-” She paused, taking in the room. “Hmm, evil garbage dump, an interesting design style.”

“I’ll explain the joke later.” Wits sighed. “I need you to fetch someone for me.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not fetch.”

“Unwillingly and potentially violently invite them, then.” Wits turned to Light Patch. “You got something of Purple Heart’s? I need a quick tracking spell.”

“No, but I can have something for you shortly,” Light Patch said, suddenly turning and opening a portal in front of himself. The pegasus reached in and dragged Purple Heart through it. “Hi. This will be quick. I just need to borrow something from you.”

“Whadahammawah?” Purple Heart articulated. Anything else the purple colt intended to say came out as a random deluge of vowels and consonants as Light Patch shook him violently. An empty money clip fell out of the purple pony’s clothes.

“This will do. Thanks.” Light threw his friend back through the portal. He picked the money clip and held it out to Wits. “Here you go: one item of PH’s.”

Wits End stared at the offered money clip for a good long while, while Trixie stared incredulously at Light Patch himself. “Really?” Wits asked eventually.

Light Patch shrugged. “Rule of Funny.”

“Of course…” Wits snatched up the money clip with a magical hand and passed it to Trixie. “Can you target him with that?”

Trixie shook herself out of the stunned silence, taking the wallet with her own magic. “His magical signature is a bit… odd,” she mused. “I could track him, but outright teleporting him without physical contact is out of the question.”

“That’s fine. Just make sure you have some momentum before you grab him. He’s a slippery bugger.”

Trixie blinked. “Momentum?”

Wits snapped his spectral fingers, and Trixie vanished in another burst of light. “Pause for dramatic effect…” he muttered. “And… now.”

There was another burst of light, which faded to reveal a very frazzled Trixie clinging to an equally confused Purple Heart. “Falling from 500 yards above Canterlot Castle?” Trixie wheezed. “THAT was your plan?”

Wits shrugged. “Momentum.”

“Whadafrak is going on in this madhouse?” Purple Heart mumbled as he hung limp in Trixie’s grip. “First, Light yoinks me away from a particularly enjoyable meal of raw fish to shake the living snot outta me, then chuck me onto said enjoyable meal of raw fish. Second, just as I’m about to grab a hunk of wasabi to shove in somepony’s unsympathetic gob, this one pops up, grabs me, and ports me here. I demand a refund! These friends are clearly defective!”

“First of all,” Wits retorted, “ouch, feelings. But more importantly, I called you here because I’m calling in our alliance.” He turned on Light Patch. “All of us. None of your grey knight, despicable neutral malarky this time.” He shifted so that he could look at both of them, Trixie stumbling away to sit in a chair nearby. “I need to get the Panel of International Situation Solutions disbanded. Any idea whose idea it was?”

Purple Heart nodded. “Yeah. Mine.”

“Not that it wouldn’t be fun watching the two of you slug it out in my little conference room here, but I do have to admit that I’d also like to know when you went and created and took over the Senate. I thought your evil plan was just a play about how unfair all of this is and to get Discord into a little trouble,” Light Patch chimed in, tilting his bag of popcorn towards the others in the room.

Purple Heart shrugged. “All I really had planned from the start was to run a show that cast doubt on Celestia and Luna while getting Discord gone,” the purple earth pony replied. He stepped over to the table and sat, leaning back with his forelegs crossed behind his head. “As for the senate, that was already a thing. Somehow, Celestia and Luna gave permission for its creation and I just went along with it, utilizing their needs to fulfill my own.” He looked at Wits, allowing a small grin to curve his lips as he considered the cloud of steam collecting above the mint-colored unicorn's head. “I take it you aren’t particularly enthused with the existence of the Panel of International Situation Solutions, hm?”

“I AM NOT.” One of Wits’ eyes had developed a twitch while the other two were talking. “Seriously? Ponyville? Accords? Targeting, specifically, the six most powerful and important ponies in this world? The six ponies who can, specifically, provide any semblance of a challenge? The six ponies who I am, specifically, trying to be the main villain for?” The steam around the unicorn’s head was beginning to coalesce into smoke. “Those. Ponies. Specifically?”

“Sure sounds like them,” Purple Heart said offhandedly.

For a moment, the smoke around Wits’ head seemed to burst into flames, accompanied with a strangled cry of outrage. “Why?!” He shouted once he had control over his utterances again. “We had a deal to stay out of each other’s way! It was literally the only thing we agreed on! You had! One! Job!”

The rest of Wits End’s words died in his throat. He took a deep breath, held it, then let it out. “Undo it,” he said flatly. “Disband the panel. Make it not.”

“Why?” Wits nearly had an aneurysm at the purple pony’s monosyllabic response. “I’ve successfully hamstrung any potent magical opposition to our plans. Once I get a few more bills in the senate, I’ll be able to limit the other Princesses as well. Then all we have to worry about are martial responses and I’d like to think that the three of us can handle traitor guard ponies or mere rabble.” Purple Heart grinned widely. “We once had strings, but now we’re free.”

Wits pointed a forehoof at Purple Heart. “No. No no no. You’re missing the point. There’s a whole thing I have planned out that doesn’t work if they have to wait for a bunch of paper-pushers to find room in the budget to save the world! My plan was in motion! My plan was practically finished! And now it’s practically ruined! The only way I can salvage this is to turn it into an ‘enemy of my enemy’ moment!” He punctuated his point by stomping a hoof on the floor. “So, fix the thing.”

“Not that I have any real stake in any of this, but it would be more enjoyable if the girls were able to act against you two without having to have orders signed in triplicate.” Light Patch shrugged, taking another hoof-full of popcorn to munch on.

“Enjoyable?” Wits turned his glare on the pegasus, walking towards the table as he spoke. “You of all people are in no position to talk about what would be more ‘enjoyable’. Safe on the sidelines telling everyone who’ll listen that they ‘can’t tag you ‘cause you’re not playing’, all the while doing what I’m sure are perfectly neutral things up in the north with bandits and bookworms!” He slammed his forehooves on the table, letting out a gust of air through his nose. “You are, have been, and continue to be the worst neutral party I’ve ever heard of. What have you been planning all this time, huh?” Light Patch waited to see if the rant of his friend was done before tossing the bag of popcorn behind him, the sleazy relaxed look draining from his face.

“Okay. Maybe I have been up to something, and since I did found this little group to try and better keep track of you two and your plans, I guess it’s fair for it to be turned against me.”
He sat up in his chair and focused on the other two as the circular light centered over the table dimmed causing most of the walls to fade into the shadows. “But, fair is fair. You want me to lay my cards on the table? I will. If you both show your full hands, no lies or half truths.”

Purple Heart’s smile shrunk to a thin line that twisted into a contemplative frown as he mulled over the words of his friend. “Control,” he said stiffly, eyeing Wits and Light. “Showing Discord and the rest of them what it’s like to dance to someone else’s tune.” He barked a laugh. “Doesn’t make me any better than that Q knock-off, but it sure as hell feels good.”

“I can see how the whole dance puppet dance routine can feel good,” Light Patch admitted. He turned to Wits. “So what about you, Oh Glorious Saturday Morning Cartoon Overlord?”

“Why don’t you share next? Everyone here seems to think they already know my plan.” Wits replied, looking at Light Patch suspicion dripping from his voice.

“I just thought that since all of this seemed to have come about from your and Purple’s plans butting heads, we might want to get your plans out into the air first,” Light Patch replied with a shrug.

“So we can start arguing and forget all about your little promise to share?” Wits snarked, feeling further vindicated by the small nod from Purple Heart as well as a slight twitching in Light Patch’s eyes.

“That was never my intention, but if it makes you both feel any better, I’ll swear a Pinkie Promise that even if I have to sit here all night listening to you two argue, I won’t leave the room until I share.” Light Patch said resolutely. He sighed at the three expectant faces staring at him. “Fine. I promise I won’t leave this room until I’ve shared my plans with you both, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” He quickly made the required gestures and promptly shuddered right at the end as a sudden chill raced along his spine. “Now that I’ve sold my soul to the cartodrich abomination that is Pinkie, I’m still going last.”

Wits scoffed. “You really think that’s any consolation to us? You could just go back on it the moment I finish.”

“No, no,” Trixie said. She’d moved her chair away from the table, and had recovered the bag of popcorn. “He’s locked in now. It’s either talk, or eternal candy-colored Tartarus.” She popped another kernel into her mouth.

Wits blinked. “Terrifying, but okay. Make it so you can’t hear us for a bit.”

Trixie missed her mouth with a tossed kernel. “What? Why?”

“Because it’s a secret plan. I can’t have everypony hearing the intricate details of my plan to take over the world. Now, cover the ears. With magic, if you please.”

Once Trixie’s ears were encapsulated in a magical aura, Wits turned back to the other two colts. “You want the truth? The big secret of my obviously evil campaign to destroy Equestria as we know it? ‘Tis a plan so cunning you could plug holes in it and call it Queen Chrysalis. The greatest plot ever played.” He leaned in, cupping a hoof around his mouth.

He paused. The plan was pretty well set in Wits’ mind: be a big enough threat for Twilight and the others to take seriously, then to lose and let himself be reformed. However, telling these two that his plan was to lose seemed… out of place, somehow. Surely, if he wanted to have the Elements of Harmony defeat him, Purple Heart could pull strings with P.I.S.S. to make it happen, right? That seemed too easy. Wits wanted to earn his defeat.

“World conquest,” he said plainly. “Full Paradox Grand Strategy mode. I plan on one-tagging this planet, and setting myself up as an immortal god-emperor or something like that. If I can take Equestria, the rest of the world will fall in line.” He motioned to Trixie, who dropped the deafening spell. “Of course, all that requires the Elements to be at their full strength.” He paused, then shot a glare at Purple Heart. “And for my friends to not be in my way.”

Purple Heart blinked once, twice, coughed, blinked again, then shoved a hoof-full of popcorn into his mouth. “Well… that certainly sounds plan-like,” Purple Heart mused. “How about this: for the sake of The Friendship That Once Was™, I’ll try to get the Panel to allow the Elements just enough room to be properly adversarial for you, okay? I still need them out of my way so I can ‘Become The Senate’. Sound fair?”

Wits thought for a moment. “So I get just enough rope to hog-tie myself, huh? That still leaves the problem of having to watch you get your flank handed to you by Kermit at some point.” He paused. “Actually, that sounds like a darn good show. The real problem is that I gotta make myself look like a credible threat again after your pet panel interrupted my Disc One Boss Fight.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “That sounds like a you problem.”

There was silence for a good five beats. “...Well played,” Wits sighed. “I’ll need to think of a back-up sinister plot to get the Ponypuff Girls to take me seriously again… I’ll get back to you on that.”

“Have you had a chance to go through those notes I’ve given you, I could still use some help with that little idea of mine.” Light Patch chimed in during the lull.

“I am morally opposed to being helpful in any way,” Wits replied immediately. “Not until I know what the heck you’re trying to do. Spill the legumes, ‘neutral party’.”

“Fine, fine. I’m looking to find a way for us to get ourselves home, independent of Twilight, I appreciate the help so far she’s running oh for two. Those notes are my thoughts on making a portal that just sort of came to me. I suspect it’s Discord's magic, hence why I wanted somepony else to check my homework before I potentially collapse all of reality or accidentally cause two realities to… bleed into each other...” Light Patch trailed off, his eyes growing slightly cloudy as he stared off in thought.

A summoned hand snapped its fingers next to the pegasus’ head. “Equestria to Light Patch,” Wits said. “Multiversal calamity is a constant threat when the three of us are involved. Heck, we are the multiversal calamity right now. So, the point, get to it.”

“Sorry, I was just consid- realizing how easy it could be to just cause two realities to merge like soap bubbles.” The pegasus replied, his eyes focusing again as he looked at the group.

“In any case I was wondering if you’d had time to check my notes and see if you think they could actually work. I could also use some help actually casting the spell, I’d rather bring in a unicorn I know than one I’ve just seen from snippets of a cartoon.” He looked at Trixie, “Uh no offense.”

Trixie looked up from her popcorn. “Who are you again?

“Don’t encourage him,” Wits cut in. “Yes, I checked your notes. Yes, it’s theoretically possible. No, it’s not as easy as keying in chevrons and hitting the big red button. You need a big frack-off power source, something to target the dimension you’re trying to reach, and something powerful enough on your side of the portal to keep the entire plane of existence from getting flushed through the resulting wormhole.” He paused for a moment, checking the faces of his audience. “So no, you’re not getting a scale model of any such device either.”

Light Patch hid a smile behind a hooffull of popcorn. “And if I was to have a big frack off powersource almost in my grasp, think you’d have a little spare time to help me holepunch reality? Or is that beyond even the Great and Powerful Wits End?” Light shot another apologetic look at Trixie as if that alone was a second apology.

“Flattery will get your foot in the door,” Wits replied flatly. There was a moment where he paused, as if debating with himself. Then, a smirk pulled up one corner of his mouth. “I’ll work on it. You’ll know when it’s done.”

“Sounds like a plan I’m sure you have other things to get to so if you wanna bounce nows as good as later.” Light Patch said with a distracted smile on his face before he turned to Purple Heart. “Before you go I was hoping we could maybe discuss some ways you could fold that Bureaucracy into a hat I might find useful.”

Trixie raised a hoof. “Quick question,” she asked. “If the purple one wants to usurp Equestria, and Wits wants to conquer Equestria, and there’s only one Equestria… doesn’t that mean you two aren’t on the same side after all? Like… One of you is gonna have to beat the other.”

The two colts stared at her for a full second. Eventually, Purple Heart dropped his forehoof on the table with a resounding thud. “Carp.”

“I knew I was missing something,” Wits muttered, rubbing his forehead. “This was so much easier when I assumed PH’s goal was to recreate Hamilton with pigs.”

“Not to mention.” Trixie chomped down another hoof-full of popcorn. “The grey one’s plan didn’t make much sense, but it sounded like there was a threat of the world exploding? That’d put a damper on the whole world-conquering thing too.” She paused to swallow. “Whatever plan that was in the first place. Trixie wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Oh come on I make tasty spinach puffs doesn’t that earn me… no that probably just earned you remember my coat color.” Light Patch sighed, “My plan is to fold our home reality into Equestria’s reality. I might also include the reality Sunset lives in, it shouldn’t take too much extra power...” Light Patch started to doodle some math on his napkin.

“Hol’ up.” Wits held up a forehoof. “Before you said your plan was to get us back home. Not to bring home here. Are you retconning this plot in real time?”

“No… maybe,” the cloudy look to Light Patch’s eyes started to return again, “I think I just realized that it would be rather easy and all you’d need is a little extra power to help fold everything together carefully. It’d be like a snap really and suddenly our solar system has a new neighbor, or two.”

Trixie cleared her throat. “That still sounds like it has the potential to destroy the world. Or the solar system. Maybe three solar systems, really.”

“Three realities to be specific.”

Purple Heart blinked once. “Oh, look. A wild impasse appeared,” he groaned, tilting his head back. “Maybe I should have ticked the ‘lock teams’ box when I started hosting this thing.”

“Well,” Wits said, “we got ourselves a real jingle-jangle of a problem here, then.” He shot a look at Purple Heart. “I got no intentions of being anyone’s puppet or dealing with the shadow government,” his gaze turned to Light Patch, “and I kinda need there to still be a world for me to conquer.” He fell silent for a few seconds, then nodded. “I have an idea.”

The unicorn tossed his remaining popcorn kernels onto the table. “We obviously can’t work together, but there’s no reason why we have to change sides entirely.” Hands appeared, separating the kernels into two distinct groups: three on one side, and the rest on the other. “We agree not to actively get in each other’s way. No help, no hinderance, just… friendly communication from a distance. Whoever’s plan succeeds first,” one hand brushed all but the three kernels onto the ground, “gets the world.”

Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “And what happens after that?”

Wits shrugged. “We’ll figure that out when we get there.” The hand raised two fingers, then slammed them into the table, squishing two of the remaining pieces of popcorn. Wits stared at the result. “That was an accident, and in no way reflects my intentions.”

“Riiiiiiiight,” Purple Heart drawled as he stood. “Well! Since the level of hostility has risen dramatically, I believe I’ll be on my way.” He looked around the room speculatively. “Not that I expect a straight answer, but you wouldn’t happen to have installed a door to this place, did you, Light? I mean, the primary mode of entry seems to be teleportation or portals, but I don’t really trust any of you to not drop me in a volcano or a pit of nope ropes.”

“Fair enough I guess. Go through the poorly painted curtains and you’ll see some charred stairs. I’d stick to the bits near the wall, though. They didn't seem as burned. Then it’s just down the hall, over the rubble pile, and past the front door.”

“Don’t you mean through the front door?”

“No. Past. There are holes on both sides and besides that, the heat of the fire seems to have melted the door hinges into the frame so it doesn’t open right anymore.”

Purple Heart blinked. “Soooo… I gotta brute force my way out? I think this domicile has enough holes as is, don’t you think?”

The pegasus looked at his friend before sighing. “There are holes in the wall on both sides of the door, you don’t have to brute force anything. And I think the door is the only thing holding up that entire wall.”

“Ahuh...” Purple Heart hummed. He looked at the three ponies and nodded. “Well then, cheerio.” He turned and walked out of the room through the poorly painted curtains with little aplomb. A small exaltation of ‘aha!’ was the last thing the trio heard before silence returned.

“Do you think I should have warned him we’re up in the frozen wastes beyond even the Crystal Empire?” Light Patch asked, looking at Wits.

“Is that where we are?” Wits looked up from cleaning up his spilled popcorn. “I mean, he’s probably…” He frowned, then nodded towards Trixie. The mare rolled her eyes and teleported away, only to reappear a few seconds later.

“He’s back at his meal,” she said. “Ready to go?”

“In a sec.” Wits straightened back up and looked at Light Patch. “One question. You do realize that the world is where we are, right? You burn the world, that includes us.”

“That does seem to be the general consensus,” Light Patch replied with a half hearted shrug. “I’m sure I won’t be the end of three realities. It really doesn’t seem that hard. Just kinda like folding them together really.”

“I was afraid of that.” Wits summoned a hand, ready to snap its fingers, but paused. He sighed, dismissing the hand, and turned to Trixie. “Let’s go. No flashy tricks this time.” A moment later, the two unicorns vanished in a burst of light.

Light Patch sat in the dim light for a few minutes before he got up and cleaned up the popcorn he’d tossed aside earlier. He then walked to the same exit Purple Heart had left by. He turned and took one last look in the room. “So much for all of the work I put into making this place half presentable... I guess I could still use it with Moon Dancer,” he muttered, flicking the light off as the door quietly slid shut.

Chapter 27: Chronic Backstabbers Syndrome Anonymous

The new secretary for the recently established Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) scrambled to hide her magazine under her desk as the main door to her office swung open. Any attempts to hide the magazine ceased as she settled for gawping at the mares flooding the office.

“C-ca-can I help you, Princess Twilight Sparkle?” the secretary stammered, touching her hair self-consciously.

The Princess of Friendship gave a tight smile. “I believe you can, Miss-” She glanced at the nameplate on the desk- “Marge. I need to speak with the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) as soon as possible.”

Miss Marge blinked. “Ehm.” She gulped. “I can make an appointment if that-”

“Ah think the fine members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) can spare the Princess of Friendship a few minutes of their time,” Applejack interrupted. “We are in a bit of a rush.”

Miss Marge gulped again. “I’ll let them know you’re here,” she amended. “If you just sit over there, I’m sure there’ll be somepony by soon to take you to them.” She gestured to a pair of seats flanking a low table covered with a sprawl of magazines. One of Twilight’s eyes twitched. The purple mare could just hear Coltson’s smug voice asking yet another of his infernal questions.

“If it's all the same to you,” Twilight said, smiling frostily, “I think we’ll just show ourselves in.” Miss Marge’s eyes widened to comical proportions as the Princess led her entourage through the door behind her desk and into the room where the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) resided.

The panel had requisitioned a smaller room, meant for the (usually) small scale affairs of Canterlot’s local government. However, since nopony wanted to tell the nobility of Canterlot that their problems weren’t important enough for the main assembly, this room had gone unused for quite some time. The assembled panel members had done their best to make it fitting for their new positions, however, complete with a horseshoe table for them to sit behind and loom menacingly over anypony they had summoned. Expertly placed backlighting cast dramatic shadows over each of the ponies seated at the raised table.

Twilight resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. We’ve faced down Tirek, she thought, and they think a little lighting is going to make them scary? Her horn sparked, almost imperceptibly, and a moment later the lights suffered a malfunction, evening the lighting in the room. “Looks like there’s still some kinks to work out,” she said, loud enough to be heard over the surprised murmurings of the panel’s ponies.

One of the ponies, an older stallion, cleared his throat. Twilight made a mental note of his position closer to the center of the table; likely a sign of his ‘seniority’ in the new committee. “Princess,” he greeted slowly. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

“‘Notice’ is one word for it,” Twilight replied, using her magic to pull over one of the smaller tables that had been shoved to a corner. Six chairs followed, arranged so that she and each of her friends could face the panel. “Apparently this committee, which I’m fairly certain didn’t exist yesterday, has the authority,” she emphasised the word by dropping the last chair with a forceful bang, “to summon the Princess of Friendship.” She smiled in a way that Rarity had helped her practice back when she’d first ascended: sweetly, but with a healthy dash of ‘don’t try it’ hidden in the corners of her eyes. “Is that right, senator?”

The stallion coughed again, eyes shifting to the other panel members. “Well, it is a committee invested with the authority of Princess Celestia herself.”

“A committee invested with the authority of another committee invested with some of the authority of the Princess,” Twilight corrected. The stallion seemed to wilt slightly. “I was the one who suggested to Celestia that she start the Senate in the first place. I would not advise trying to oversell your authority.”

Applejack leaned in towards the alicorn. “Twi’, there ain’t gonna be anything left of these guys if ya’ll keep that up.”

Twilight hesitated for a moment. “I’m a bit perturbed,” she whispered back.

“We hadn’t noticed,” Rarity sniffed. “Let’s just find out what they want so we can get back to dealing with those boys.”

After another moment of staring down the stallion, Twilight nodded and took a seat. She inclined her head towards the panel as a whole, as if to say ‘go on’.

The committee members shifted uncomfortably, no-pony wanting to put themselves in Twilight’s sights. Fortunately for them, the room’s door swung open. All eyes turned towards it, and six pairs of mare’s eyes went wide. “Goodness,” Holdfast said, letting the door creak closed behind him. “I hope I haven’t kept anypony waiting. That would be…” He trailed off, taking in the Elements with a raised eyebrow. “Most unfortunate. Princess.”

“Count Holdfast,” Twilight replied, hesitating only for a split second as she recalled this local version’s title. “Are you on this panel too?”

“Indeed.” The snow-colored stallion made his way to the horseshoe-shaped table. “It seems that Canterlot has no representative on the Senate, since the Princesses themselves would be expected to fill that position. It seemed unfair to force either of them to pass judgement on restricting a fellow Princess’s activities. In lieu of that-” Holdfast took the empty seat in the middle, steepling his forehooves on the table, “-I have volunteered to represent Canterlot’s interests.”

“How noble,” Twilight said flatly.

Holdfast smiled. “I like to think so.” He took his eyes off of the mare to look at his fellow panelists. “Shall we get started, then? I assume everypony has had time to go over the Accords by now?” He paused, seeing Rainbow Dash’s hoof raised. “Yes, Ms. Dash?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a question about those Accords,” Rainbow Dash said, her chair leaned back on two legs.

The count’s smile didn’t falter. “And that question is?”

“Who the buck kind of fly-by-night operation puts together a panel literally called ‘piss’?”

There was silence for a good thirty seconds. A pegasus mare on the committee was the first to break it. “I told you we should’ve gone with one of the other names.”

“We’ll deal with that later,” Holdfast said, cutting the other panelists off. “Are there any questions about the Accords themselves?”

“How did the proposal get passed so quickly?” Rarity asked. “Don’t bills and the like have to be considered, debated, voted, vetoed, considered again, and voted again to become anything official?”

Holdfast arched a brow and turned to his fellow representatives. The senators all shuffled uncomfortably in their seats under the stallion’s gaze, looking everywhere but at the mares before them or the stallion beside them.

“Well?” Holdfast prompted. One of the senators cringed and finally met the mares’ questioning gazes.

“The senator from the Pony North West was really convincing,” he said weakly. “He gave some very sound reasons for the implementation of his proposal that made sense to us.”

“What kind of reasons?” Fluttershy asked.

The senator winced. “All of you.”

The Elements of Harmony recoiled in surprise.

“Us?!” Rainbow squawked. “What about us?!”

“He referenced the recent production of MacHawk,” the senator stated. “Said something about how power corrupts absopositivelylutely.”

“I believe the quote is ‘power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely’,” drawled Holdfast. “Hardly an adage from the Pony North West I might add. Much like how ‘Fear the Old Blood’ comes from a church in the Undiscovered West instead of that newfangled game I hear young ponies gossiping about by the water coolers.”

“And y’all think,” Applejack growled, “that we plan on letting ourselves get corrupted?”

At least two senators responded with conflicting statements. “The goal here,” Holdfast said, cutting through the chatter, “as I see it, is to have safeguards in place on the incredibly slim chance that something happens.” He waited for a moment to see if anypony would contradict him, then continued. “The Ponyville Accords are a living document, after all. Should this panel see fit, we could adjust them to be more lenient for the Elements of Harmony.” He narrowed his eyes, shooting a glance at Twilight. “Or restrict them, depending on how things work out.”

“And when do we get a say in all this?” Pinkie asked.

“With all due respect,” Cloudsdale’s senator interjected, “but the Royal Guard doesn’t get a say when the Captain of the Guard gives an order.” He held up a hoof to hold off all six outbursts at once. “Which is not to say you have no voice here. As Count Holdfast said, the Accords are a work in progress. Your actions will be our barometer for how to adjust the Accords in the future.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “And for now?”

“We see how this first draft works out,” Holdfast explained. “Without unnecessary adjustments.”

Twilight looked hard at the senators for several seconds, puffing her chest up to respond. Then she released her breath in a sigh and nodded. “There isn’t much we can do about this right now,” she muttered to her friends. “We’ll have to play this by ear.” She lifted her head to look at the senators again. “Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice. I’m sure we’ll hear from each other soon.”

“I’m sure,” Holdfast replied with a grin.

Twilight inclined her head and turned, leading the other mares from the room, past the still gawking Miss Marge, and out the door into Canterlot proper. Before the door could shut behind them, Twilight could make out a smattering of words.

“Now, on to the topic of Operation WOMP, Senator Baelhart requested...”

“Spike,” Twilight said. “He gave me a file regarding Operation WOMP. I should get on to reading that. I think it’ll become relevant very soon.”

* * *

“Are you sure that was a good idea?” Trixie’s voice held concern. “I mean, I’ve already burned six bridges. This doesn’t sound like the time to start any more fires.”

“Relax,” Wits said with a wave of one of his floating hands. “I know those two. These stars don’t hide their fires. They crash down over the course of three days, and are moons with big angry faces on them.”

Trixie blinked. “What?”

“I don’t know either. The point I was getting at was that the whole cease-fire was a sham from the moment it was suggested.” Wits and turned towards a window. “The only question is how long we all play along.”

Trixie looked out the window of her wagon at the tangled undergrowth that surrounded them. It didn’t matter how safe Wits said it was, or how much like home it was; the chaotic tangle of flora and fauna of the Undiscovered West still gave her the creeps. A shudder ran down her spine. “Doesn’t messing with them mean you’re not playing along?”

Wits shook his head. “Me messing with them is playing along. Doing otherwise would make them suspicious. The only question,” he turned back towards Trixie, “is whether they’re going to do the same.”

Trixie bit back a snort. “I think we have an answer,” she forced out, trying her best not to break out into giggles.

“What?” Wits looked around, a rather magnificent—and bushy, and ridiculous—mustache swaying under his nose as he did so. “Did you see something? Is there something on my face?”

“Yes,” Trixie bit out, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, “and yes.” She managed to bring a mirror over before her resistance broke, sending her into a fit of laughter

Wits stared at his reflection, wiggling his nose and lips to get a better look at the new growth. “Hilarious,” he deadpanned, grabbing the tape that held the hair on with one magical hand and tearing it off. “At least the glue isn’t that strong,” he muttered, feeling at his now bare lip.

Trixie forced herself back onto all four hooves. “So,” she breathed, wiping the tears from her face. “What do we do now? Is that whatsit of yours ready for Light Patch?”

“Not yet.” The two unicorns looked at the partially assembled device taking up most of the wagon’s kitchen. The wall had been replaced, or perhaps taken over by, a large empty door frame made of a combination of wood, metal, and crystals. Where the door handle would be, instead a large tome was mounted. At the peak of the frame hung a housing for what appeared to be a filly’s helmet, with a series of brightly colored wires leading down to an empty—and well furnished—cage. “It still needs something,” Wits muttered.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Trixie held up a hoof. “Are you saying you solved Starswirl’s Universal Barrier Paradox?”

“‘Solved’ is a strong word,” Wits admitted. “More like ‘punched a hole in it by using something with the exact multiversal coordinates’.” He shot a look at the copy of Tomb of Horses strapped to the entire assembly. “So we know where we’re going, but we don’t know where we’ve been. Still needs an anchor of some sort... I think. There isn’t enough holding it to this side to maintain the connection.”

“An anchor?” Trixie asked. “Like what?”

“Something big.” Wits was almost talking to himself as he ran his forehoof over his chin. “And old. Something that’s been around for a good part of Equestria’s history.” He frowned. “No, older than that, actually. Something that predates Equestria.”

Trixie’s frown mirrored the stallion’s. “Not many things that old. Definitely nothing I can get into.”

“What’d you mean, ‘into’?”

“I mean anything that old will be in the Canterlot Archives.” Trixie sighed, settling into a chair at the table “They’re magic-proofed. Like, really magic-proofed. Makes Twilight’s enchantments on her castle look like a ‘Please Do Not Disturb’ sign. Trying to teleport into there redirects to a cell at the bottom of Tartarus.”

“...So that’s a ‘maybe’?”

“So that’s a ‘no’,” Trixie clarified.

“Drat.” Wits ran a hoof along his long, thin mustache, twisting the end into a little spiral. “Foiled again by good planning and forethought.”

“You’ve got a thing again.”

“What? Oh, for the love of…” Wits tore the mustache from his face, hissing as the glue pulled at the fur on his upper lip. “Haaaaaaah. Okay, that one was on a little more firmly. Ow.”

Trixie watched as the disembodied mustache was flung into the sink. “So anything older than Equestria is out of the question. What do we do?”

“Anything…” Wits murmured. “But not anyone.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What, do you think you can get Discord to be your anchor?”

“What? No. Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters, no. It’d be like trying to anchor the Yamato with a bag of potato chips.” Wits End took a seat across from Trixie, leaning one elbow on the table. “How old are Aboleths?”

“Old.”

“How old?”

“Yes.”

Wits narrowed his eyes. “Thanks.”

“I mean it,” Trixie said. “Aboleths have been around almost as long as this planet has. Some ponies think it might even be longer than that. You want old? They’re old.”

“All of them?”

“All of the ones that’re alive today, yeah. Why?”

“I think I know a guy.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “A guy?”

“Well, an Aboleth. Named Whimsy.”

“Weird name for an Aboleth.”

“Isn’t it? Anyway, apparently he lives in the Everfree. I’ll need your help tracking him down.”

Trixie blanched. “You want me to go out into the Everfree Forest?”

“Relax.” Wits leaned back, putting one hindhoof on the table. “I grew up in a forest. 80% of the stuff out there won’t mess with you as long as you don’t mess with it.”

“Yeah,” Trixie muttered, “but it’s that remaining 20% I’m worried about.”

“Look, I’ll be out there with you. It’s really not that big of a-” He was interrupted by a knock at the door. “Expecting company?”

Trixie shook her head. “Nopony knows that I’m out here. You?”

“Nopony cares that I’m out here.” There was another knock, and Wits pursed his lips. “Well, I definitely shouldn’t answer it.”

With a sigh, Trixie stood and made her way to the door. “Yeah, yeah,” she said as she opened it. “What do you want?”

A khaki-colored Earth Pony tipped his wide-brimmed boonie hat, a similarly wide grin on his face. “G’day, mate!” he chirped, his voice heavy with an accent Trixie couldn’t quite place. “Name’s Down Unda! Got a call ‘bout a wild beasty in th’ area. Mind if I take a quick peek an’ see if it’s in ‘ere?”

Trixie blinked. “A… creature? Here in the Undiscovered West. Not exactly specific, is it?”

“Ah, roight. Just a tick.” Down Unda searched in his hat, retrieving a folded, important-looking document. “Now, lesse ‘ere…”

Trixie heard a light creak from the floorboards behind her. While the other pony was busy unfolding his papers, she glanced back to see Wits End standing off to one side, out of sight of the doorway. He mouthed something that looked like “crikey”, then jerked his head back towards the door.

The mare turned back just in time to see Down Unda’s face light up. “There she is!” he declared, turning the paper towards Trixie. “One orda’ from th’ Panel’ve In’ernational Situation Solutions for a juvvie Misplacah Beast! Last spotted ‘round a wagon owned by one Trixie Lulumoon.” He tapped the small picture of Trixie attached to the document. “That’s you, roight lass?”

“It… certainly looks like Trixie,” Trixie said slowly. The picture looked like it was taken from a few weeks ago, at one of her shows. Next to it was pinned a picture of the Misplacer Beast Wits had brought back with him from the Changelings’ hideout. “How did you find this place?”

“Aw, weren’t nothin’ lass.” Down Unda tucked the document back under his hat. “Jus’ a bit’ve trackin’. Followin’ wagon tracks ain’t nothin’ to findin’ a Leatherback Starbiter’s trail. They never use the same foot twice, yaknow.” He finished with a knowing wink.

Trixie blinked. “Sure.” She glanced at Wits, who had moved to just out of sight next to the door frame. He rolled his eyes and made a shooing motion with one forehoof. “Well, if Trixie spots such a creature, she will know who to inform. However, it is certainly not here.”

“Maybe, but th’ ol’ Panel’s orda’s say to check right thoroughly. Ain’t nothin’ I can do ‘bout it.” He shrugged. “So, beggin’ ya pardon, I’ll be makin’ this quick.”

“Oh for the love of…” Wits swung around the door frame, placing one hoof on Down Unda’s forehead. Instantly, thin silvery tendrils of magic latched from his horn to the Earth Pony’s forehead. “There was nothing out of the ordinary here,” he said. “Just a normal section of moving forest. No wagon, no ponies, and no Misplacer Beast. Go back and tell the Panel that you’ll try looking somewhere in the Badlands next.” The unicorn paused for a moment. “And stay away from stingrays. Now get going.”

Down Unda stumbled away from the wagon, a glazed expression on his face. After a moment, he shook his head, stared at the wagon as if he was looking at a point past it, then shrugged and turned away. It didn’t take long for him to disappear back into the underbrush.

“Impressive,” Trixie said.

“That was Purple Heart’s ‘friendly interference’,” Wits replied. “Hopefully that little suggestion keeps the Panel off us for a while.”

“Trixie was referring to that.”

Wits followed the line of her pointing forehoof back to his own face, and a truly incredible mustache that had covered his mouth entirely. “Really?” He pulled at the hair, and found it far more stubborn than the previous ones. “I’m borrowing the sink. And maybe a razor.”

“And then what?” Trixie asked.

“Then we look for an Aboleth.” He paused, absentmindedly stroking his mustache. “Maybe he doubles as a barber.”

* * *

Purple Heart squinted at the colt in front of him. “I’ve been called to give my testimony in a what-now?”

The colt, a thin yellow unicorn with an auburn mane and tail, winced under Purple Heart's gaze.

“A trial,” the colt repeated. “I wasn’t told why, but the next senate meeting is supposed to include a trail that requires your testimony.”

Purple Heart inhaled deeply and the colt cringed, waiting for the explosion that was sure to come. At the crescendo of his inhale, Purple Heart puffed his cheeks and spat, “Fine. I’ll be there.” He looked down at the papers strewn across his desk, believing the conversation over with. After several seconds of silence, Purple Heart frowned. He looked back up, wondering why the door hadn’t opened and closed. He’d made the dismissal obvious. The colt was still standing there, shifting uncomfortably from hoof to hoof.

“Well?” Purple Heart prompted. “Was that it?”

“No, sir,” the colt squeaked. “There was something else.”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow. “Yes?”

The colt coughed. “Thesenateconvenesinafewminutes, sir!” he said quickly. Purple Heartblinked.

“I could’ve sworn you said something about the senate convening soon,” he said thoughtfully. “Is that right?” The colt didn’t say anything. He just nodded vigorously.

Purple Heart hummed, nodding to himself. “Well shit.”

A bare minute later, Purple Heart was striding through the double doors of the main senate chamber, trying his hardest to calm his racing heart.

“I hate running,” he growled to himself as he nodded in greeting to some of the senators he had a passing relationship with. Just as he sat at his designated seat, Madam Speaker Top Class arrived with her aide and made her way to the podium at the chamber’s center. The aide dropped her collection of folders on a low table beside the podium occupied by the session’s scribe. The senators watched in silence as Top Class conversed with her aide and the scribe in a low whisper that barely reached the first ring of seats. Purple Heart shifted in his chair, wondering if his testimony was really needed for whatever this trial was for.

Top Class stepped up to the podium and cleared her throat, silencing the small whispered conversations scattered around the chamber.

“Welcome to a Special Session of the Public Equestra Senate,” Top Class greeted. “Today, we have only one item on the docket: the Trial of the Public Equestria Senate v. Baelhart.”

Purple Heart Pikachu’d.

Top Class eyed Purple Heart critically. “Judging from your dumbstruck expression, I presume this is the first you’ve heard of this?” she asked primly.

Purple Heart’s jaw shut with a clack and he nodded. “I got notified by a clerk not five minutes ago that I was required to provide testimony for a trial,” he replied, “but it wasn’t revealed to me that I was the trial.” A frown creased the purple earth pony’s brow. “Out of sheer curiosity, did you have to vote to decide whether or not to use witnesses?”

Top Class snorted, smiling tightly. “Of course not,” she said. “It was agreed unanimously.”

“Huh. You’re better than most elephants then.”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing.” Purple Heart stood. “You want I should come down there or are we just gonna holler back and forth?”

Top Class pursed her lips and gestured to a chair in front of her podium. “Sit, if you please.” As Purple Heart made his way down to his new seat, Top Class turned to the chamber at large.

“I know some of you must be wondering why this trial is taking place,” the Speaker spoke. “I cannot give specifics; but somepony has sent me a memo expressing concern over how much pull Senator Purple Heart has amongst its members.”

Purple Heart raised a hoof. “When I proposed the bill to create the Panel, wasn’t it decided that I wouldn’t have any say in who sat on it?” he asked once Top Class had acknowledged him.

“That is true,” Top Class agreed. “However, you’ve forgotten one thing.”

Purple Heart furrowed his brow in confusion. “I have?”

Top Class smirked. “This is still a monarchy. Not a democracy.”

The double doors to the chamber opened abruptly and a red carpet rolled down the steps. A squad of guard ponies tramped in and lined the walkway as Celestia ducked through the door to enter the Senate Chamber. All the senators stood and bowed before the Princess as she walked regally down to Top Class and Purple Heart.

“Your highness.” Top Class bowed. “Your timing was impeccable.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” Celestia agreed, laughing gently. “I must say that you should get the award for best delivery. ‘This is still a monarchy. Not a democracy.’ Perfection.” Celestia turned her head and looked down at Purple Heart. “So this is the pony responsible for the panel’s inception. Lovely.”

Purple Heart Pikachu’d again.

“Thank you for coming today, your highness,” Top Class said, gesturing for a chair to be brought for the Princess. “I’m grateful that you could attend this trial.” Celestia inclined her head to Madam Class, thanked the mare’s aide, then sat in the provided chair.

“I must admit, when I heard word that the Elements of Harmony were being regulated, I was most surprised,” Celestia replied. “To think that my student would behave in such a manner that required policing requires an explanation.” She looked at Purple Heart again. “Suffice to say, I have some concerns.”

Purple Heart gulped. “I can tell,” he said. He looked around, feeling very small under so many eyes. “Ehm, could we just get this over with where I promise not to interact with the Panel of International Situation Solutions and call it a day?”

“And waste all this good material?” Top Class asked, holding a hoof out to her aide. The pony placed a sheet of parchment in the mare’s hoof and Top Class adjusted her glasses.

“This new panel is called the Panel of International Situation Solutions, which is a great name because it tells you exactly what they do: they look at international situations, and propose solutions. Except that’s not what they do. The Panel of International Situation Solutions was formed primarily to oversee the activities of the Elements of Harmony, who you might remember as those girls who saved the world half a dozen times. You know, the good guys? Yeah, they obviously need a lot of oversight. ‘Hey Harry? Did the Elements fill out the proper paperwork before they took down Glorkon the Obliterator? No? Dang, well now we gotta undo all of the repair efforts. Bring in the wrecking ball!’”

Top Class eyed Purple Heart over the top of the parchment. “That was an excerpt from nationwide broadcast of Coal Beard’s opening monologue of his It’s Very Dark Outside Show,” Madam Speaker revealed. “A monologue that criticizes the Panel of International Situation Solutions and the Senate!”

Purple Heart blinked. “Ahuh. Pee-Are shenanigans. Lovely. Can I just plead guilty now and take a slap on the hoof?”

Top Class ignored him. Celestia didn’t. The Princess of Sunlight spoke before Top Class could.

“I think that the young colt has just admitted his guilt,” Celestia commented. Top Class blinked at the alicorn and looked at her assembled papers.

“But… All this good material… Are you saying I should let it go to waste?”

Celestia faltered. “Eh… No?”

Top Class beamed. “Perfect. Onwards. I have several...”

Purple Heart slumped in his seat as he listened to Madam Speaker Top Class continue her speech. “This is the weirdest trial I’ve ever seen,” he muttered, glaring at Celestia and Top Class. “Might as well make the most of it.” Threads snaked down the legs of his chair and spread out across the senate floor, latching on to everyone.

Purple Heart grinned darkly. “Let’s see if I can nudge them into my way of thinking...”

* * *

The two ponies stood at the entrance to their dig site, sheltered from the wind by the small shack. Luck was on their side as the sun’s shine was still able to meet them, helping to keep them warm—or in the case of the cloaked pegasus, a little too warm. He shifted again, using his wings to expand the cloak to try and suck cooler air in.

“If you’re too hot,” the other pony asked, “why not simply remove the cloak?”

“Because if we want to keep this little meeting from failing instantly, I can’t let the bandits see me.”

“And why would that be an issue, Mr Frost?”

“Because I’ve interacted with both of the bandit groups before, and by ‘interacted’ I mean we fought and they beat the tar and stuffing out of me.” He turned to look at the mare next to him. “I’d rather avoid that again, even if I might be able to take just the leaders.”

“Then why not fight them? What was the phrase you’d used?” she asked, frowning harder somehow as she repeated the phrase. “Cut off the head and the rest of the snake will die?”

“There’s no way they haven't been brought back-up, or have some retaliatory orders if they fail to report back,” Light Patch finished, looking back towards the direction they were expecting the bandit leaders to appear from.

Moon Dancer adjusted her scarf and looked at the jade and slate coat that the pegasus had chosen to hide himself in. Her mind was busy calculating all of the many ways this could-slash-would turn out wrong. She was still curious why they didn’t abandon the dig now and come back with the Crystal Empire guards.

She saw a mound of snow shifting and studied it in case it was a bandit outing itself, a local creature, or possibly even a Changeling. At this point, she was tempted to accept even the Changelings helping them, even if it was her wishing for the danger she knew rather than these new variables. “You know, this isn’t going to work. I’ve already figured out twenty five different ways this could go wrong.”

“I’m at thirty seven, but I’ve been working on this plan for longer than I told you about it.”

“Then why are we going through with it?”

“Because we don’t need to pull the wool over their eyes forever. Just long enough to get the artifact out of their claws, paws, and automobiles.”

“You know I’m keeping a list of things for you to explain to me later, right?”

“I figured as much,” the pegasus said, accompanied by a sigh. “Anyway, we just have to keep them busy ‘til we get the artifact out. Then the Guard can sweep in and finish up. We can even get them to go after each other when we pull the vanishing act.”

“So not only do you want to fool them into thinking they’ll get artifacts, if not the artifact, but now you want to ratchet up tensions between them, but not to the point of starting a fight while we’re between them?”

“Yes, that was my general idea. Though, I figure as long as we can make them fight each other and not us, we should be bronze or silver, if not golden. Now look sharp. I think I see them coming.”

The two ponies lapsed into silence as three figures approached them; two Minotaurs and a Griffon. Moon Dancer suddenly found herself thinking of new ways the plan could fail right now, at this meeting. She took a couple of steps closer to Light Patch and tried to not tense up as they entered talking distance.

“Make this quick, ponies,” Grill Grood growled, coming to stand as far away from Solosun as he reasonably could. “I have better things to do.”

“Thank you for showing up,” Light Patch said, “and also not making it obvious you were breaking the terms of the meeting.”

“Does anyone ever truly come to these without some kind of backup or lifeline?” Solosun asked.

“The dumb or the ones who died probably,” Minnie replied, already looking bored as she leaned on her axe.

“That would seem statistically likely,” Moon Dancer chimed in.

“We saw your scouts looking at our dig site,” Light Patch continued. “It’s nothing special. No magic metals or fancy artifacts of doom. Just an archaeological dig site with some old dead warriors’ stuff. I’ve been authorised by the leader of the dig to give you the money we have left in the security budget. You get a quick and easy payday, leave us alone, and everyone’s happy.”

“Or I could kill ya, take the money, and use the artifacts or melt them down for reforging,” Grill said, a giant grin splitting his face as he leaned over the disguised Light Patch.

“You can’t do that! These are historical artifacts! They are important to the history of Equestria, Griffonia and even the Minotaur tribes. They-”

“Are also extremely old,” Solosun cut in. “The quality of the iron would be poor and most of them are likely brittle due to age, ice, and other weathering. But selling to the right collectors... That could be worth some bits. Enough bits to maybe buy some protection, say, from some bipedal noisy cows.”

Light Patch could tell this was starting to slide out of his control. Granted, he hardly expected them to take the bait for Plan A, but hope still sparked in him for a while. It seems I am on to Plan B now, the pegasus thought. He stepped between the two leaders, holding his hooves up to try and stall them for the precious seconds. “Gentlemen and Lady, calm down. That wasn’t the only offer I’ve been granted permission to make.” He glanced to see Moon Dancer trying and failing to not look terrified. And also shifting away from Minnie, who had re-hefted her weapon and looked generally interested again in what was happening.

“There is still a simple and easy payday waiting for the both of you. This was the site of a large battle. There are plenty of artifacts. The dig can sell several of them, keeping the choicest of them for the various museums we were sent by. The money of the ones sold should easily be enough to make both of you fine, upstanding gentlemen and your friends happy for a good amount of time.” He glanced again, and wasn’t surprised to find anger fighting for position against terror on Moon Dancers face, and both of the leaders seeming interested in the potential deal.

“So you're still paying us to go away?” Grill asked.

“Well, not exactly. If we’re going to have to raise the extra money, we need to at least make it look like we had a good reason for the artifacts, or the bits they generated, to return to the museums’ coffers.”

“So then... what's your plan?”

“Surely you know how many other bandit groups operate in this area. With two of the best bought by our bits in waiting, few of them are willing to face the combined wrath.”

“There’s a few that are dumb enough to try, anyway. It’d be nice to finally get a chance to bop them,” Minnie added, her boss nodding.

“I would guess from the look on your faces that we have the beginnings of a deal hammered out?”

“I think we can work something out,” Solosun mused. “I’ll have a contract for you to sign in a couple of days. Until then, I should let my soldiers know to spread out and begin some patrol patterns around the area. And make sure they don’t rough up any of Grill little band of barbarians. It would look rather unprofessional.”

“It’d take three of your patrols to rough up one of ours,” Grill growled. “But still there's some other scores than the one with you I’d like to settle, so I guess I’ll tell my barbarians to not throw as many stones at the birds in the skys” He turned to leave, Minnie following right behind.

Solosun started to leave before he turned back to the two ponies. “You know, I’m something of a war historian. If I’m not mistaken, this dig site of yours isn’t too far off from most of the proposed sites of the Orb of Glacious Massacre.” With that, the Griffon unfurled his wings and took to the skies.

The two ponies stood, staring at the Griffon as he flew away; thoughts racing too fast in their heads to find anything to say for several minutes.

“I’m surprised you're not saying anything,” Light Patch finally said, having found some words. “Like ‘I told you so’.”

“I’ve read that in times like this, it can be very common to utter an expletive or two,” Moon Dancer muttered. “I’ve currently got a list of about thirty two I’m trying to narrow down.”

“Ah fair enough. I do hope you go with a good one.”

Chapter 29: Meanwhile… Coal Beard wants his segment back

Moon Dancer stared at the blank piece of paper in front of her; a hundred things she felt should be the first thing said in the letter, leaving her with no idea of where to begin. She took her third deep breath to try and calm herself down, thought about what Twilight would say as advice, and decided she didn’t really want to do an entire sorted list of importance based on various types of importance.

She was about to start trying to sort things in her head again, but then she thought about what Princess Twilight might say, which was something sappy but meaningful. With that, she finally knew where to begin her letter. “Hi Twilight. In some good news, I think I’m finally getting used to the cold. That's not to say I’m enjoying it, but it’s not been bothering me as much lately, and I don’t delay going out into the freezing cold like I used to. Now it’s just more of a sigh, and tugging my scarf and other gear a little tighter.

“I also have more good news. I have the results from those scanning spells you asked me to cast. You’ll also notice that there’s two sets of results from them. That's because it happened again. Light Patch’s actions, and even his personality, have... shifted again. Not quite as dramatic as the one you noted, but he seems to be more driven than he was, and he’s being much more coy with me about his goals.”

She paused to refill her quill’s ink, and looked at the notes she had on spells and theories that Light Patch had been focusing on of late. “I’m not sure what he’s focused on now, but he’s throwing himself at it with a strong passion. I’m still trying to figure out what his goal is... He’s been keeping important bits of his work, so I can’t figure it out. But whatever it is, I believe it still has to do with other universes. Maybe a lot of them.

“He also seems to be seeding tension between the two groups of ‘mercenaries’ we had to start paying off—and no, he still won’t tell me where that money is coming from. I think he’s trying to get them to fight each other before they try to take the artifact for themselves. Though, he’s doing it with a passion that suggests he had a grudge against them. Is... ” Moon Dancer trailed off in her writing. She hated to be suspicious about Twilight, but well... “Is there something you haven’t told me about Light Patch and these two groups of bandits?” She sighed, but if she was going to help tie up loose ends like Twilight asked her to, she did need to know everything. “It’s one of the few things he puts effort into since his recent shift in priorities. Still, I have to admit I’m skeptical of his methods, and as such I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.

“...Sorry, I’ve been talking with Light Patch a bit too much. He’s fun to talk to, even if I don’t get half of the references he’s making. I can only imagine what it must have been like with all three of them at once... One thing we’ve been doing is trying to tie the references together, and figuring out an equivalent cultural reference from our own culture to one from his. Of course, this required also just trying to tie similar characters and stories together. Some were, of course, easier than others, such as a character named Indiana Jones and his similarities to Daring Do. A harder one was the myth of the lost city of Atlantis. Without doing some indepth research—I would fight both groups of mercs for an even halfway decent library around here—my best, guess now that the Crystal Empire is back, is going to have to be the town that used to be around the Lost Castle of the Sisters in what is now the Everfree Forest. And of course, some of their fictional soldiers are almost without comparison for us here really. We could maybe use some of the characters from-

“Oops, I strayed from the point I was trying to make. In any case, I have my doubts about LP’s plan to deal with the bandits. I’m dragging my hooves, hoping to let the guard unit dispatched up here catch up. I’m worried I won’t be able to stall much longer, though, so I also have another plan, but I’m keeping that more of a secret just in case this letter is intercepted somehow.” Moon Dancer finished her last line before looking at a clock to check the time.

“I don’t have much more time but... well, as with a lot of things right now, the good news does come with bad news. Like I’ve mentioned, Light Patch’s goal has shifted. I don’t think he just wants to make some kind of bridge. I don’t think it’s radically different from his original plan, but I have a feeling it’s something that could be much more devastating. Maybe not burn the world to ashes levels, but close? It’s more of a gut feeling.” She checked the clock again. “I’ve included those spell scan results, but I encoded them for safety. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I must be off to check on the dig site, and deal with a few side issues.”

With that done, she quickly sealed the letter up and applied spells to make sure it got to Twilight unhampered, then gathered on her snow coat and stepped out into the cold. She made her way down the plowed path the townsponies called “main street” as a joke and, after a quick stop at the post office, she hurried to the inn. She entered and quickly picked out the stallion she wanted to meet.

“Mayor Case,” she muttered, “I’m sorry about being late. I had to finish a letter.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered conspiratory, looking at the other ponies dotted around the inn’s main room, “but please call me Basket. We are trying to keep this under wraps.”

“If we’re gonna do that, then we should use codenames and disguises. And not be so obvious about trying to be quiet and stealthy when we’re sitting at the center table in a crowded inn’s common room.” Moondancer sipped the cup of tea she was holding in her magic, while Basket blushed and looked around at the other mayors seated at the table; several of whom were grinning or quietly snickering.

“Uh, right.” He lapsed into silence for a few moments, “So, uh, what did you want to talk about?”

“The so-called mercenaries that the dig leader has hired.”

“Ah, the bandits.” Basket Case checked to make sure none were present. “Is it just me, or do they seem to be getting tense with each other?”

“That's a part of what I wanted to discuss with you. The dig leader’s plan is to play them against each other to keep them from extorting more money. And from grabbing the main reason for the dig.”

Another one of the mayors grunted. “From what he’s told me, it’s mostly been the promise of a big payday keeping them from starting anything yet. Well, that and their equal strength..”

“Well, I’m concerned that the money won’t be enough soon. And when they start fighting, five towns are going to be stuck in the middle of it.”

“Five towns? I thought it was only our four towns closest to the dig site.”

“Yes... They’ve also ‘secured’ another further away town. Layered Permafrost wanted to try and spread them out further, and he had only one of the groups to further play them against each other.” Moon Dancer sighed as the four assembled mayors absorbed the information. Finally, she looked up and gave the four of them a hard look. “And now, I plan to take advantage of that.”

“How do you want to take advantage of it?” Basket Case asked. “The only way I could see us taking advantage of them spreading their… Are you suggesting-”

“That the towns ready themselves for the bandits going at each-other's throats?” Moon Dancer said calmly to the now quiet room. “Like I said, if something doesn’t change soon, they will probal-”

The rest of what she was saying got cut off as the inn’s door banged open, and one of the griffin mercenaries barged through it, breathing heavily. He quickly picked out Moon Dancer and rushed to her.

“Ma’am, I’m supposed to bring you back to the dig site,” the griffon said tersely. “We’ve broken into a huge chamber with something... glowing in the center of it. We suspect the glow is what we’ve been digging for.”

Moon Dancer’s eyes widened and she quickly stood up. “Go. I’ll meet you outside. I need to settle my bill quickly.”

“Be quick,” the griffon said with a nod. “The dogs wanna dig it out and go back somewhere warm. Even I know you don’t just mess with the glowy stuff without double checking.” With a sharp turn, he headed outside and replaced his scarf and goggles. Moon Dancer nodded and hurried to the bar to toss a hoofful of bits on the counter on her way to the door. She paused at the threshold and looked back.

“Something changed,” she stated before hurrying out.

* * *

I hope Starlight doesn’t hate me now.

It had taken some convincing for Trixie to get Wits to move the wagon again. It had also been worth it to get out of the weird shifting forest, in her opinion. Now she sat next to her wagon a little ways away from the mouth of the Thestrals’ cave, staring out at the shifting forests below. Now that she wasn’t in the middle of it, there was a certain fascination in watching the trees as they moved between eyeblinks.

It also gave her time to think: something that had been in short supply recently. Ever since the attack on Twilight’s castle, Wits had been busy coordinating things all across Equestria; meeting with Batpony spies, acquiring supplies and materials, and recruiting informants amongst the general populace.

All of that meant that Trixie was feeling more and more like a glorified magical carriage driver. She sighed through her nose. At least before that attack, I could pretend we were partners in this, she thought. Uneven partners, sure, but he was asking my advice on how far to go with his plans. Ever since then, though...

It really seemed to come down to the attack on the castle. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Wits said he needed to make sure the Elements didn’t forget about him, and a direct assault was the best way to do that without drawing attention to his real plan. He had even asked her for ideas on how to make it memorable. Trixie had suggested revealing that she was working with Wits, as a way to demoralize the Elements. After all, if somepony who had once been a villain could fall again, it would shake their otherwise unshakeable belief that they could reform anypony.

But he’s holding back. She kept her eyes on a particular section, without really focusing on it. Those items… He seemed to want them so specifically before, but then they just sat until he faced off with Twilight. And with that oversight panel hanging over the Elements of Harmony, he could be pushing so much harder than he is. It’s like he… Like he doesn’t even want to beat them at their weakest. He didn’t even try to control Twilight and the others while fighting them.

Trixie summoned a small mirror from her wagon and held it in front of her. She could see the glint of silver in her eyes, and the thin trails of magical essence that played at the corners of her eyes: all the telltale signs of Wits Ends Guiding Sunlight magic. A little focus was all it took to hide the signs again, like pulling a rubber band taut. Of course she had been angry when she’d first discovered the spell on her, but the spell had also soothed that anger away just as quickly. She smirked, remembering the shock it had given Wits when she’d revealed that she knew about the spell in the first place. One doesn’t work with magic like the Alicorn Amulet without learning the signs of magical mind control, she thought wryly.

That smirk fell quickly. No matter what else, one thing kept weighing on Trixie’s mind: what exactly was the spell doing? It obviously wasn’t hiding itself. She had to make the effort to hide it herself. And it wasn’t hiding its presence from her either, since she was pretty darn aware of it at this point. All it seemed to do is make it so that having the spell didn’t seem that bad. She paused, lowering the mirror again. That, she thought, and making me want to help Wits End. It wasn’t a compulsion or anything like that. If anything, it was exactly what she’d said to Twilight: she wanted to be helpful, and Wits had asked for her help. That didn’t seem too insidious.

Did it?

Trixie frowned to herself. Just like hiding or revealing the magic in her eyes, if she focused then she could make herself feel suspicious of the magic, or angry that it was there, or fearful of what it was doing. But the moment she stopped trying, the spell cleaned up any remaining doubts, leaving her ready and willing to help out again. It was…

Well, if she imagined a hypothetical scenario where some other pony did the same thing to her, it was certainly disturbing. Tirek, Chrysalis, Celestia, Twilight, even imagining Starlight Glimmer planting a spell like that in her mind gave her the shivers. But the moment I put Wits End in that spot, she thought, it becomes… not “fine”, but more like… neutral. Expected, in a completely emotionless way. Like how water flows downhill. Not worth worrying about.

Even with the spell’s calming effect, that excessive naturalness was worrying to her. It wasn’t a driving corruption like the Alicorn Amulet had been. This was subtle. Insidious. It seemed more like the tool of a grand chessmaster; somepony who ruled from a dispassionate distance. Not somepony who got their hooves dirty like Wits End was doing. Not somepony who seemed to care about both his subordinates and his foes.

Her frown deepened. There was certainly one way to tell what the spell was doing to her, and that was to break it. She didn’t know exactly how to do it, but a strong enough general counterspell would take care of anything. It was similar to using a sledgehammer to pound in a finishing nail. Less sophisticated than Trixie was a fan of, but beggars had very few chances to be choosers, and a magician couldn’t choose what volunteers she got from the audience. She glanced behind herself, then closed her eyes and focused her magic inward.

It felt a bit like somepony broke a faberge egg over her soul. She had to steady herself by spreading her forehooves out to either side as the last traces of magic faded away. Trixie took a deep breath and checked herself for any lingering enchantments; a check that came back with nothing. A look in the mirror showed no traces of the silvery magic in her eyes either, even when she focused on unhiding it. I guess that means the spell really is broken, she thought. One way to find out… It seemed silly to base her trust in a dispelling in how she reacted to it, but it was all she had.

She thought about Wits casting his manipulation spell on her again.

The immediate frown that spread across her face was proof that the spell was broken. When it came to mentally manipulative magic, her brain no longer treated Wits End any different than Twilight Sparkle or Nightmare Moon. Trixie sighed in relief. Once again, she was free from the corrupting influence of an entity that wanted to use her for villainous ends. Now she could…

Trixie’s frown returned. She had expected that she would immediately want to pack up her wagon and return to Ponyville, find Twilight, and tell her everything. What she actually wanted to do was somehow even worse than having to tell Twilight that she had been wrong for a third time in her life.

Trixie wanted to keep helping Wits End.

It was a strange feeling. She didn’t want to do as Wits said, the way she had while under the spell. She didn’t want to help conquer the world, the way Wits had asked her to do. She didn’t even want to usurp the newly conquered world from Wits in a moment of weakness. She just… wanted to keep being around him and see what he did. That’s weird, she thought in the same way one might think about a comic book character acting strangely in the background of a panel. Despite the fact that he’s trying to overthrow my country, usurp the throne from my Princesses, and defeat some of the ponies I would consider friends… I want to side with him over the others. What’s up with that?

Trixie sat down, staring out over the Shifting Woodlands at the unshifting horizon beyond it. A lingering effect of the spell? she thought, looking at a shape in the distance she thought might be Canterlot. Maybe it’ll wear off over time and I’ll want to leave then. Her frown deepened. Or maybe I’m just predisposed to being manipulated for evil purposes. That would be depressing.

She shook her head and sighed, which she realized she had been doing a lot recently. Maybe… Maybe I’ll just give it a couple of days. I won’t tell Wits. I’ll just… see if he notices, and see if this feeling fades. I can tell Twilight at any time now, anyway. Idly, she knocked a pebble over the lip of the cave, listening to it clatter against the mountainside beneath them. How deep could the spell go, anyway? After a moment, she charged another dispelling charm and cast it on herself. This one made her a bit unsteady, but it didn’t have the telltale ‘crunchiness’ of a spell that found an enchantment to break.

That concerned her a bit. If it was that easy to break Wits’ spell, she thought, how much does it actually do? Could somepony else break the spell on their own, just like I did? Or maybe… Could a pony still act against him while under it? I mean, I kinda did by breaking the spell, but-

A mental tug interrupted her, coupled with the tip of her horn glowing softly: the signal she and Wits had set up so she’d know he was ready for teleportation. Trixie stood again, brushing the dust off with a puff of magic as she resettled her hat. Her horn started to glow as she charged the teleportation spell, but she paused just before casting it.

A smile spread across her lips in spite of her previous concerns. After a moment, she summoned one of the strange graspers that Wits End was fond of using. What did he call them? Hands? Such a weird name. With a grin, she made the motion she had seen him do so many times. Trixie snapped her magical fingers, vanishing in a puff of billowing blue magic.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived!” she declared as she arrived at Wits’ location. “How may she be of- CROWLEY’S TAILFEATHERS!” The mare looked up at the lumbering eel-like monstrosity that had pulled itself up onto the coast of a lake.

A blob of slime slid down one tentacle, forming into a massive bead at the tip before, at the last moment, it flicked back up towards the rest of the mass. A trio of eyes looked over her, and the massive lamprey-like jaw beneath gaped like a hungry pit. “Hewwo.”

Trixie blinked. “Buh?”

Wits End appeared out from under the creature’s shadow, and gave the wall of blubbery flesh a comforting pat. “Whimsy, I’d like you to meet my friend Trixie Lulamoon. Trixie, this is Whimsy the Aboleth. They’re gonna be staying with us for a while. Can you ‘port us back to the cave?”

Whimsy waved a tentacle, sending blobblets of slime and mucus into the treeline. “Fank you, Miss Twixie.”

Trixie continued to blink. “Buh.”

* * *

Twilight Sparkle glared at the pile of papers sitting innocently on her desk hoping against all hope that they’d simply burst into flame. Several seconds of silence passed and the papers remained innocuously piled before her. Heaving a resigned sigh, Twilight grabbed the first sheet and started reading. She’d barely finished the first sentence when the door to her office banged open and Spike darted inside.

“Twilight!” he cried, waving a wax sealed scroll over his head. “This just arrived!”

“This being what?” Twilight asked, hiding her joy at not having to do paperwork.

“A scroll with a weird mark on the wax!” Spike elaborated. “I dunno who it's from, but the pony who gave it to me must be important! He was wearing a silver cloak and had a really fancy name!” He tucked the scroll under his left arm and lifted his right, moving it in an arc in the air.

“Mentaanto...”

Twilight stared at the little dragon. “Mentaanto,” she echoed.

“Mentaanto...” Again, his arm moved in an arc.

“Spike.”

“Mentaanto...”

“SPIKE!”

Spike jerked and snorted a spurt of flame in surprise. “Sorry,” he said bashfully, rubbing the back of his head. “Got kinda caught up in the moment there.”

“I noticed,” droned Twilight. “The scroll?” Spike walked over to her desk and hopped onto it, carefully edging his way by the accruement of papers.

“I think it was a messenger from the Undiscovered West,” he added, handing the scroll to Twilight. “He said it was for ‘the Princess of the Sun’ after saying a weird word… Aranell anar or something like that...”

Twilight frowned, eyeing the scroll in her hoof. “If this is for Celestia, why did he bring it here?”

Spike shrugged. “Hay if I know. He knocked on the door, introduced himself, gave me the scroll, told me who it was for, and left.”

Twilight squinted at the purple dragon. “He just… left.”

“Uh-huh.” Spike was swinging his legs off the side of the desk.

Twilight sighed and stood. “I need to get a better security system,” she muttered. Louder, she said, “I’m going to take this to Celestia.” She made to teleport away, but paused. “If you could start sorting through those, I’d be most appreciative.”

“How appreciative?” Spike asked, eyeing the desk warily.

“...Let me think about that.” Ignoring Spike’s groan, Twilight closed her eyes and focused her magic. A short burst of static later and she opened her eyes to see the balcony of her old room in the castle of Canterlot. She wasted no time in unlocking the door and passing through her room to the corridor beyond. As she walked through the halls, she peered at the scroll speculatively, trying to discern its purpose without opening it. The parchment was thick and weighty, similar to what most legal documents were written on. The wax was bright red and imprinted with a seal: three concentric rings bracketed by antlers.

The mare wracked her brain, calling up all the heraldries she’d seen while reading books. None of them matched with the one on the scroll she bore.

She nodded at the two guard ponies on duty outside the Hall of Glass and entered, ignoring the numerous stained glass windows depicting the trials and tribulations of Equestria. She hesitated as she passed a blank space on the wall to her right. Glancing to the side, she saw a red rope cordoning off a section of wall. A frown creased her brow as confusion stole across her mind. Then her eyes widened in realization as she looked down the hall at the other stained glass windows depicting the other adventures and victories of her friends and herself. She pulled her gaze back to the blank wall and sucked in a breath to steel her nerves. Hopefully, she’d be able to solve this problem before too long.

With a resolute twist, she turned to continue down the chamber to the throne room. She gently nudged the door open and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her. Celestia sat on her throne, sorting through a number of documents being held before her by several scribes. Twilight stopped several paces away, patiently waiting for Celestia to notice her. It didn’t take long.

Celestia looked up, blinking in surprise. “Twilight! When did you arrive?” she asked, waving the scribes and their documents away with a hoof.

“A few minutes ago,” Twilight answered, stepping closer to the dais. “A courier gave me a scroll intended for you, so I teleported over as soon as I could.”

Celestia frowned, opening her mouth to chide the mare but paused, blinking in surprise at something over Twilight’s shoulder. “Blueblood, what are you doing here?”

Twilight turned and saw Prince Blueblood accompanied by a large colt walking into the throne room. Her eyes rested on the stranger for a second, just long enough to take in his green coat and short dark brown mane.

“Ah, hello, Aunt Celestia,” Blueblood greeted, inclining his head to the Princess. “I was merely showing my new butler around the castle.”

Celestia and Twilight both blinked, their eyes tracking to the colt standing just behind Blueblood’s left flank. “Butler?” they echoed.

The colt stepped forward and bowed to the pair. “Beekler Alfreeves, at your service, highnesses,” the colt said in a drawling baritone.

“Mister Alfreeves,” Celestia said, standing from her throne. Beekler raised a hoof, forestalling the Princess.

“Please, Mister Alfreeves is my mother’s brother’s husband’s step-son’s great-uncle,” Beekler interrupted. “Please call me Beekler.”

Celestia blinked again while Twilight tried not to burn her brain out trying to understand the relationship. With a shudder, Celestia made her way down the steps, muttering as she descended.

“I don’t have time to unpack all of that,” she muttered. Upon reaching floor level, she looked at Beekler and smiled.

“My apologies. Beekler,” Celestia corrected herself, “it is a pleasure to welcome you to Canterlot. I hope your time with Prince Blueblood is long and fruitful.”

“As do I, your highness,” Beekler replied, inclining his head to the pale alicorn. The colt stepped back to stand beside Blueblood.

“If you’ll excuse me, Aunt Celestia, I’ll be showing Beekler the rest of the castle,” white unicorn stated. “I’ll leave you to your counseling.” He nodded once to Twilight and turned smartly, striding away from the two alicorns.

Beekler made to follow, but Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she watched the green colt. He bore a striking similarity to one of her erstwhile associates. The only differences were a change in palette and his bearing. Twilight cleared her throat and spoke.

“Excuse me, Beekler, but you look familiar,” the Princess of Friendship said. “Have we met before?”

Beekler turned smoothly to face the princesses again, brow furrowed in confusion. “No.”

Twilight shifted uncomfortably. “Ah. Must have been my imagination.”

Beekler arched an eyebrow. “Indeed.” He turned, walking after Blueblood out the door. Twilight exhaled a sigh and looked at Celestia.

“What was I here for again?” she muttered. Celestia, having heard the muttered words, smiled gently, shaking her head at her frazzled student.

“Something about a letter you received?” the elder Princess supplied. Twilight’s eyes widened.

“Oh yeah!” She opened her bag and pulled out a scroll, passing it to Celestia. “The seal isn’t one I’m familiar with. At least within Equestria that is.”

The Princess of Sunlight looked contemplatively at the wax seal; three interconnected rings backed by a pair of antlers. She hummed, breaking the seal and unrolling the scroll, glancing at Twilight as the correspondence unfurled. “It's from the Deerkin of the Undiscovered West,” the white alicorn revealed. “During our reign, neither Luna nor I have had many significant encounters with them. Nothing that merited the public being informed.”

Twilight frowned. “Your Highness, I’ve read every book in the Royal Library at least twice. Why haven’t I seen any mention of the Undiscovered West or the Deerkin there?”

Celestia gave a wry smile. “Have you read anything from my personal library?” she asked.

Twilight opened her mouth to immediately reply ‘yes’, but balked. “Uhhh… No?”

Celestia laughed gently and turned her attention back to the scroll. As she read, her brow creased and a frown slowly made its way onto her face.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “The Deerkin have requested Luna and I to attend a summit to broker a cessation of hostilities between their country and the Thestrals.”

Twilight blinked. “They specifically requested you and Princess Luna?” she asked.

Celestia nodded as she re-rolled the scroll. “The request is very pointed,” she said. “I have the feeling they won’t even accept a Negotiator. It's very explicit they expect Luna and myself.”

“Not even Poni-Wan Koltobi?” Twilight asked. Celestia shook her head as she walked up to the throne.

“I don’t believe they will accept anypony less than a Princess,” the white alicorn replied. “I’d send Cadence, but she is busy dealing with bandits and a very stubborn mining mogul in the Crystal Empire.” She looked appraisingly at Twilight. “Would you-” She trailed off upon seeing her student shaking her head.

“I have problems in Ponyville,” the princess of friendship said. “We’re still trying to track down those colts I told you about and I have to worry about the Panel breathing down my neck.”

Celestia let a smug smile curve her lips. “I believe you won’t have nearly as much trouble with them as you’ve had in the past,” she declared. “Earlier today, Madam Speaker Top Class brought me to a senate trial to strip the then Senator Baelhart’s position from him.”

Twilight nodded. “Rarity told me that he’d been removed from office and I’m grateful for that.” She looked up at Celestia and smiled wanly. “But lately, it seems that solving one problem reveals three more.”

Celestia stepped down to place a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder and smiled gently at the young mare. “I know that you will persevere through all that comes before you,” the Princess of the Sun said. Twilight smiled at Celestia’s assurance and nodded.

“Who will you choose to be regent while you and Princess Luna are away?” she asked. Celestia’s smile shrunk a few teeth.

“Blueblood,” she ground out.

Twilight blinked and resisted the urge to groan. “Oh. I should let Rarity know before she comes to the castle…” The purple alicorn inclined her head. “By your leave.” Celestia nodded, and waved a hoof in dismissal.

“I’m sure everything will be fine, Twilight,” the Princess of the Sun said. “What could go wrong?”

Twilight’s smile became very fake as she walked out of the throne room.
“I really wish you didn’t say that,” she groaned after the doors shut.

Chapter 30: Breaktime

Purple Heart resisted the urge to giggle with glee as he followed Blueblood back into the throne room. Unless he was mistaken, Twilight had received the letter his String Clone had delivered to Celestia when Blueblood had led him into the throne room. Clearly, Celestia was summoning Blueblood back to make him regent while Celestia and Luna were mediating the summit. Or so Purple Heart hoped.

His giddy mood dulled as he walked behind Blueblood, hoping against all hope that his plan hadn’t just fallen apart. It was nigh impossible for his strings to allow him to influence either of the elder princesses. Their magic was just too potent for him to manipulate them. Granted, if he tried to make Celestia want cake, maybe he’d succeed. But the Princess of the Sun already had a propensity for cake. Therefore, it wouldn’t be too hard to convince her to eat it.

Purple Heart’s attention was pulled from his ruminations to settle on Celestia when Blueblood stopped in front of his many greats-aunt.

“Aunt Celestia,” Blueblood greeted, inclining his head to the monarch. Purple Heart bowed, moving to stand several paces away from his principal.

“Prince Blueblood,” Celestia returned. “Something has come up that requires the attention of Luna and myself. The Deerkin of the Undiscovered West have requested that we mediate a summit between themselves and the Thestrals.”

Blueblood blinked in surprise. “Why are you informing me of this?” he asked.

“Because Princess Twilight and Cadence are both busy with their own duties,” Celestia explained. “I need a regent to watch over Canterlot and Equestria during Luna’s and my absence.”

Blueblood blinked again. “Oh. Oh… oh.” He looked at Celestia, eyes wide in realization. “Me? You’re making me regent?”

Celestia nodded. “Indeed. Luna and I shall be leaving as soon as we are able.” She stepped down from her throne and looked at Purple Heart. “I hope you will advise my nephew in my absence.”

Purple Heart bowed his head again, hiding his grin from the two royals. “I shall endeavor to do so, your highness,” he replied.

Celestia smiled, looking at Blueblood. “I, Celestia, Princess of the Sun, do declare Prince Blueblood to be regent of Equestria. Do you swear to govern and rule to protect the ponies of Equestria?”

Blueblood shifted, hit by a sudden bout of anxiety. He gulped loudly. “I swear.”

Celestia smiled. “Excellent.” She turned and walked around the dais towards the door leading to her inner chambers.

Both Blueblood and Purple Heart stared after the Princess in stunned disbelief.

“That’s it?” they chorused helplessly.

“That’s it,” Celestia confirmed over her shoulder.

“Don’t you need to sign a piece of paper, or something?” Purple Heart inquired.

“Nope. The Magic takes care of that.”

Blueblood nodded, not understanding anything.

Purple Heart swore under his breath. I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face…

“I’m sure this won’t take more than a few days,” Celestia said as she returned. “A week at most. Remember-” she looked pointedly at Blueblood. “No parties, let Philomena out twice a day, in bed by ten.”

Blueblood flushed an impressive shade of red and he ducked his head, trying to hide his blush. “Auntiiiie,” he whined. “I’m not a foal anymore.” Celestia chuckled lightly and smiled.

“If you insist,” she said, walking past them and out of the throne room.

Blueblood coughed and looked aside at Purple Heart, wondering if the colt had seen his blush. The large purple colt was looking studiously out the window. Blueblood gave a sigh and turned to fully face his butler.

“Beekler, notify the press that Princesses Celestia and Luna will be away for some time and that I am regent until they return,” Prince Blueblood ordered. “Please let Madam Speaker Top Class know that I wish to speak with her as soon as possible.” Baelhart nodded, pulling out a small notepad from his pocket.

“Will you be wanting to meet with the Captain of the Royal Guard as well?” he prodded, nudging the unicorn into making decisions that lined up with Purple Heart’s plans. Blueblood nodded.

“Make sure to send a pony out to get our usual from Wasabi,” he added. “And get me a piece of paper.”

Purple Heart balked in his note taking and looked up, feigning confusion. “A piece of paper?” he echoed. Blueblood nodded.

“While ‘magic’ is enough for Aunt Celestia, I’d rather have my replacement be properly documented and notarized,” the Prince said.

“Aha. Of course, si- your majesty.”

“It will of course be you, Beekler.”

Again, Purple Heart looked up, feigning confusion. “Me?”

“Of course. I trust no other pony to head our nation should something happen to me,” Blueblood said, laying a hoof on Purple Heart’s shoulder.

“But… but I’m not even in the line of succession.” Internally, Purple Heart grinned. Almost there...

Blueblood snorted. “My dear butler, Equestria is a monarchy with a democratic senate. And the monarchy has been held by one pony for several millennia. I doubt there’s a line of succession anywhere.”

Purple Heart nodded in agreement. “Fair enough.” He paused. “I’m honored you trust me enough to install me as your replacement should something happen.”

Blueblood smirked. “Get that paper and finish that list. I’ll be here when the Speaker and the Captain arrive.”

Purple Heart bowed and turned, striding resolutely out of the throne room and into the Hall of Glass. To his immediate left was a blank window, one that would soon chronicle the events taking place.

A grin curved the purple earth pony’s face as purple bled back into his coat.

“I am now amongst the ranks of ascended ponies including the likes of Joustinian, Thoroughbredora and Shacolt Zebru.”

* * *

Light Patch slowly entered the chamber in the ice cave. Strangely, the ice was white as snow on the outer walls that only served to draw his eyes towards the blue light cast from the center of the chamber. A pillar of blue ice bore a sphere of darker blue ice. Surrounding it was scaffolding that allowed the mine's workers to stand eye level with the sphere.

All around the ice were several tents and little covered areas where the ponies worked on various smaller digsites. Light Patch noticed one of the workers he passed was carefully working towards a helmet. Light Patch ignored the various workers and guards and picked his way towards a gathering near the pillar.

“Like I said, we can’t just try to mine it out.” Moon Dancer drew her sigh out.

“Why not? Pony can see it dere, just like dog can. Dog claws sharper than pony horn,” a diamond dog replied, clearly frustrated.

“Fine. If you want to go ahead, be my guest. Just give me a warning shout so I can move to the minimum safe distance,” Moon Dancer snapped back, glaring at the diamond dog who looked at her with confusion on its face.

“What pony mean ‘minimum safe distance?’ It just ice,” the diamond dog said, scratching its head.

Moon Dancer sighed and put a hoof to her forehead. “Do you see how the ice is a darker shade of blue?” She waited for the diamond dogs to look up at the sphere of ice. “That means it’s different from the ice around it. And do you know what makes it different?” This time they all shrugged. “Magic. Magic made it different. Specifically, magic has infused the ice, changing how it refracts the light that passes through it.”

“Okay, but why magic make ice dangerous to dig?” the diamond dog asked, cutting off Moon Dancer’s explanation of the refractive properties of ice.

“...It is full of magic. Striking it with a pickaxe or your claws will crack the ice.”

“That how you dig.”

“Yes, and it'd create a way for all of that magic to come out! All of that unstable magic! I’m sure you've heard some stories about the Badlands and why it’s called that now.”

She smiled as the dogs all shied away and tried to hide behind each other. She was sure the dogs weren't going to try anything now.

“So how do we get the artifact out of the doom trap?” Light Patch asked.

“Myself or some other magic users are going to have to slowly siphon the magic out of the ice,” the unicorn replied. “And before you ask, unless you have some other trick under your cloak there, boss, it’s going to be a slow process without several working in tandem.”

“Well, let’s go up and have a closer look. Maybe I can magic something up,” Light Patch said, working his way up the scaffolding to stand next to the Orb’s trapped container. As he climbed the scaffolding, Light Patch took a few moments to observe the cavernous area excavated. Finally, the two ponies reached the top and turned to look at the orb. After a moment of studying the orb and the ice it was encased in, he pulled a burlap sack from out of his cloak.

“I thought you got rid of that old cloak,” Moon Dancer said with a grin on her face. Light Patch ignored her and stuck a hoof into the bag, still focused on the sphere of ice containing the Orb. Moon Dancer leaned in and was able to hear objects banging about in the bag before Light Patch pulled out a cupcake. Moon Dancer nearly fell over as she’d learned so far forward in curiosity. Before she could ask what he was planning to do with his snack, a pink hoof shot out of the bag and snatched away the cupcake before either could react. The two stared at the bag silently before the pegasus shoved it back in his cloak.

“I’m gonna hear about that from Pinkie later,” he muttered, looking at the unicorn. “How fast can you get your plan to go?”

“If we had a battalion of Royal Guard Unicorns, I could coordinate them so we could drain it in one big stream.”

“Could you make do with some of the local unicorns?” Light Patch asked.

“It would slow us down for a day so I can make sure they know what to do. But, it would be faster than trying to do it on my own,” Moon Dancer said with a small nod.

“How long do you think it will take before you can clear enough for us to retrieve the Orb?”

“Not longer than a week. Then we can take this to Canterlot so it’ll be safe. Maybe the princesses can take the artifact apart,” Moon Dancer replied, watching the cloaked form of Light Patch for hints of his reaction.

“We could also unstabilize the artifact and hurl it towards deep space,” Light Patch suggested.

“The artifact is already unstable or we wouldn’t have to spend all of this effort to dig it out of the ice. Magic doesn’t leak from arcane objects like this for no good reason,” Moon Dancer replied thoughtfully.

“Well, if history is true, they did craft this in a hurry for a battle.”

“Are you suggesting they cut corners on what was meant to be a weapon of war?!”

“Going from the information we can gather about its creation, they rushed to get it finished in time for a battle. And when it was used in said battle, it did more than they were expecting”

“What do you mean ‘it did more than they thought it would’?!” Moon Dancer shot back. “Do you think they were trying to make a shielding object and accidentally made a ‘wipe everything out’ object?”

“I’m just saying it’s possible that maybe they didn’t realize it was gonna be as strong as it was. If you made a ‘kill everything in this radius’ magical artifact, would you have your army march up and die in it too?”

Moon Dancer opened her mouth to bark out a reply before she started to think about what he’d said. “No... no I wouldn’t,” she eventually replied. “I’d have the army fall back while the pony designated to use the artifact remain in place or maybe hidden and have them activate it when my army was safe and my opponent's army was in range.”

“Exactly. And if I thought I’d made a weaker weapon, I’d have it go in with my army. Maybe it broke before they first got to use it or maybe it was never perfectly intact in the first place. Then you have that the user of the artifact probably panic when they realize they were the only one still standing. Hence why they probably just dropped it in the nearest deepest hole and fled.”

“But why wouldn’t the mages have come find it to properly dispose of it? They would have known about the risks of this just as well as we do now.” Moon Dancer crushed a couple of small bits of ice in frustration.

“They probably weren’t native to this area and so they, and maybe even the pony soldier, couldn't have found the right crevice.”

“It’s just frustrating! They cobble together some kind of immensely powerful artifact which maybe breaks on its first use. Then, rather than taking the time to find and fix or dismantle it, they just leave it to be some future pony’s problem,” Moon Dancer snarled, glaring at the ice chunks she was crushing.

“Welcome to my world,” Light Patch murmured. “Well, go on and organize your little band of merry mana siphons. I’ll make sure the miners know not to touch this without giving everyone else a fifty-mile headstart.”

“Try two hundred miles,” Moon Dancer retorted, disappearing.

“Right, no one is to even think of touching this thing without orders in triplicate,” Light Patch called loudly, drawing the eyes of a few of the closer miners.

* * *

“Are you sure about this?” Trixie asked, appearing from the darkness.

“Whimsy? They’re harmless,” Wits said offhandedly. “As long as there’s no signs of civilization nearby.”

“I meant the part about the Element of Friendship.”

Wits chuckled, brushing his mane into place. “Please, they’re not going to suspect Fluttershy didn’t really tell them to stay with us. They are, and I am quoting them directly here, not a clever Aboleth.”

Trixie sighed. “I meant,” she repeated, “the part about Fluttershy and you.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “I don’t follow.”

“About you being friends?”

“What’re you talking about, Trix?” Wits raised an eyebrow. “‘Shy and I are friends. See? I call her ‘Shy, ‘cause we’re friends. And she calls me Wits.” He paused for a moment. “‘Cause we’re friends. Sorry, felt like I should clarify that part. The friendship part. ‘Cause we’re friends.”

“You’re a villain,” Trixie explained. “Villains are not friends with heroes. Not when they’re in the midst of villainy.”

“Fluttershy’s friends with Discord. He’s a villain.”

“A reformed villain. You’re not reformed.”

“...In the words of the great Magenta Bruise: nuance.”

“Speaking of Purple Heart.” Trixie glanced back into the cavern. “Don’t you think you should tell him and Light Patch about what you’re about to do?”

“Should I?” Wits mused. “Probably. Will I? Absolutely not.”

“What about your truce?”

“Have they sent me so much as a little blue bird with updates on their plans? This isn’t an alliance, Trix; it’s a race. A race to see who’s going to be the one with a hold on Equestria at the end of all this.” The mint-colored stallion frowned. “I don’t know what those two are planning, but at least my plan involves everypony who’s alive now staying that way.”

Trixie sat back on her haunches, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “So you’re friends with your enemies, and enemies of your friends? How does this work out for you?”

“So far, so good.” Wits waved a dismissive forehoof. “Besides, I’m not frenemies with everyone I meet. I have my crew.”

“Your… crew?”

“Sure. Mousetail, Leafnose, Vampire, and you.”

Now it was Trixie’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “I’m part of your crew?”

“You were the first member of the W.E. Crew.”

“...And that makes me your friend?”

Wits tilted his head. “I just said you’re on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?” He gestured with a jerk of his head and started further into the cave. After a few seconds, Trixie followed with a wide smile on her face.

The two of them followed the trail of wires back to a large archway: Wits’ contraption on a larger scale now that it had been moved from inside Trixie’s wagon. The Tomb of Horses tome sat on a crystal pedestal a few yards away from the center, hooked up to wires and pipes that fed into the Diamond Dogs’ helmet-shaped artifact. The pseudo-headware seemed to crackle with dark magical energy that lit the cavern with sickly light; energy that flowed like water through grooves and runes carved into the arch. Wires led out of the cave where they connected to electrodes on Whimsy’s skin, and at the other end met those from the pedestal was a large, well-furnished cage. Through the bars both ponies caught a glimpse of something dark, vaguely feline, and armed with a set of barbed tentacles on its back. The creature took a seat near the locked door of the cage and mewled.

Wits End stopped near the door and scratched under the Misplacer Beast’s chin. “Yes, I know, Project,” he cooed. “I just need you to stay in there for a little bit to stabilize the sciency technobabble. When I get back, you can steal all of the socks you could ever want.” That seemed to be enough for the creature, as it turned away and began sharpening its claws on a scratching post.

“Why did you name it Project, anyway?” Trixie asked.

“Because she’s a pet,” Wits said plainly. “Everything ready?”

Trixie nodded. “The layout has been recreated exactly from that mess you made of Trixie’s kitchen. I’ll be on this side ready with an instant retrieval spell if anything goes wrong. If we’re lucky, it’ll even be able to pull you from… wherever you’re going. Are you ready for this?”

Wits winked. “Oh yes. This is all part of the plan.” He paused. “Well, the new plan.”

“What happened to the old plan?”

“It didn’t survive contact with the enemy.” He strode to the pedestal and flipped to a bookmarked page. As he tapped it, the lights on the arch began to glow brighter, coalescing in the center as an undulating plane of dark, inky, sudo-water. “Remember how I said you were the first member of my crew?”

“Sure, it was less than a minute ago.”

“Well,” Wits took a few steps, coming to a stop in front of the rippling mass. “If this all goes well, when I get back this crew is gonna be a lot bigger. I’ll expect you to help keep everything in line.” He glanced over his shoulder at the mare, who had taken his spot by the pedestal. “You can do that, right?”

Trixie smirked. “We should have a chat when you get back. I have something to tell you that I think you’ll be very interested to hear.”

Wits’ smile fell a few notches before he caught it again. “At least you didn’t tell me I’m retiring in a week, and this’ll be my last mission,” he muttered. He shook his head and slapped his cheeks. “Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast. Allons-y!” With that, he stepped into the portal.

One second and an eternity later, a ray of sunlight gleefully stabbed at his eyes. A wide grin spread over his face as his eyes snapped open, taking in the arcane temple-like structure in front of him

Wits took a deep breath, taking in the smell of desert winds, hot sand, and civilization. “I survived! Brilliant! Love it when I do that.” He summoned a pair of hands and used them to shade his eyes from the bright sun overhead. “Huh. I liked this place better with the mysterious lights passing overhead.”

“You there! Halt!”

Wits turned towards the command, his grin widening. “Ah, excellent! The sheriff’s secret police, Flash Sentry! Just who I wanted to see.”

“That’s Flash Dancer,” the guard growled, looking down at the newly appeared stallion. “You look familiar.”

“I should certainly hope so,” Wits mused. “Take me to your leader, Flash. I have some very important business to discuss with them.” He looked over Flash Dancer with a look of amusement. “Not with the Man-Princess.”

Flash Dancer flared his nostrils and his wings, his horn glowing as he drew a pair of blades and leveled them at the unicorn. “Now listen here, you-”

Wits’ smile vanished. In an instant, a coil of silvery magic latched on to the alicorn guard’s horn. “Pin yourself to the wall,” he said casually.

Flash Dancer jerked to a stop. After a moment of thought, he pulled back to stand flush against the wall, holding one blade against his throat. “How are you doing this?” he managed, struggling against his own grip on the sword. He hissed as he drew a drop of blood.

“Oh, don’t hurt yourself with that,” Wits said. “This is just for convenience, not intimidation. Sheath your weapons, then make sure no-pony comes in for… say, half an hour.” He patted the alicorn on the shoulder as he passed.

A short walk later, Wits threw open a massive pair of oak doors and strode through. “Dormaremu, I’ve come to bargain!”

A pair of large thrones sat on a raised dais at the end of the throne room. Each throne was occupied by an alicorn: one clad in flowing silks of blacks and blues, the other in whites and golds. “Well, well, well,” Sol Eater purred as she stood, watching the stallion approach. “It has been quite some time since we’ve seen each other, has it not?”

“Yeah, about that…” Wits came to a stop at the foot of the dais. “No hard feelings about how we… parted ways last time, right?”

“And for what reason would that be necessary?” Penumbra asked. She didn’t move from her place on her throne. “When last we met, thou hadst helped us get closure on a thousand years of strife.”

“Oh.” Wits blinked, but quickly recovered. I guess the ones we fought in the Equestria Girls ‘verse really were copies. I don’t feel so bad about making them banish each other now. He cleared his throat and resettled his smirk. “Well, I’m glad to have been of service.”

“If only you would stay to be of service,” Sol Eater mused. “I would love to see you in many important positions. Both in our court, and-”

“Mind the rating,” Wits interrupted quickly.

“And what brings thee back to the court of the Alicorns?” Penumbra asked. “If our memory art accurate, thou hadst returned to thy own realm after thy task was done. What business hath thou in our realm?”

“Not that we’re complaining,” Sol Eater said, looking the stallion over. “You carry yourself with much more confidence now. Where is the shivering little bunny my princess once was?”

Wits shrugged. “You save a couple universes from unspeakable evils, you learn how to grow a backbone. Be the isekai hero you want to see in the other world, and all that. As for what I’m doing here,” he shrugged. “I found a way back here, and wanted to check in on my two favorite diarchs.”

Penumbra frowned, slouching slightly in her seat. “Most unfortunately, thou have arrived during a dark time in the history of the Alicorns. It would seem,” she trailed off for a moment, meeting Sol Eater’s eyes, “the time of the Alicorns has come to an end.”

“Allegedly,” Sol Eater corrected. “Or this is just a time for the Alicorns to turn their attention elsewhere, while the world of Ponies does whatever idiocy it will inevitably slide into without our advice.”

“And where wouldst our eye turn to, dear sister?” Penumbra shot back. “Where in this world created by the Serpent of Chaos wouldst we turn to? Wouldst we escape to the one place not that hath not been yet corrupted by strife?” She rolled her eyes towards the vaulted ceiling. “Space?”

Sol Eater seemed to think for a moment. “Perhaps…”

Penumbra placed her face in her hoof. “Oh, Great Mothers protect us…”

With a clap of his forehooves, Wits cleared his throat. “Maybe I can be of some assistance?”

Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Do you have a way to take the Alicorns to space?” Penumbra leaned across her throne and smacked her sister on the foreleg.

“I’d rather leave that to those who know how to do it reliably, like Scott Marenley or Ponny2462.“ Wits paused. “But not NerdColted or Life of Boaris. Never trust an engineer who builds a plane with no control surfaces. But regardless!” He flashed a smile to the two princesses. “What if I said I knew a place in dire need of some proper Alicorn leadership?”

Both Alicorns looked at each other, clearly sharing some sort of wordless conversation. Wits had enough time to wonder if they were communicating via telepathy or just the bond that some siblings have, then they turned back to him. “For sooth,” Penumbra said slowly, “why hath thou come?”

Here we go. Wits tapped his chin with a forehoof thoughtfully. “I still have my position as Strategos, don’t I?”

“Of course,” Sol Eater said.

“Well then, let me start by saying this.” Wits’ smile broadened into a toothy grin as he spread his forehooves to either side. Thin, almost invisible tendrils of silvery magic snaked their way along the ground, and creeped up either throne. “Ladies,” he said smoothly, “I love war.”

Chapter 31: The Calm Before the Storm

Spike looked up from the corner of the room he’d ended up claiming as his own when Twilight got up and stretched. As she let the quill fall out of her magical grip, she sighed. “Well, I think I’m close to figuring out how to deal with at least one of our issues. I just need to go over the results of one of the spells again.” She shifted some scrolls on one of the many overflowing tables that had been relocated to the makeshift research library.

“Do you really need that scroll... or any of them?” Spike asked, subconsciously standing up to help if needed. “You’ve gone over them so many times I figure you know them all word for word by now.”

“I haven’t read the results that many times,” she snipped. She frowned as she looked at the table again. “I only have two of them memorized... The rest are similar enough to kind of bleed together if I’m not looking at it.”

“Maybe we should take a break then. Refresh the minds and all of that,” Spike hinted rather heavily.

“And let the colts get ahead of us further while we do nothing?” Twilight punctuated with a stomp of her hoof. “Besides, I'm so close to-”

“That's what you’ve said for two days now, ” Spike interrupted. “I think you're getting too focused on this.”

“Maybe I am getting a little focused, but I really do think I’m on the edge of the next big break! Now, do you remember where the sheet with the information from Gleamed Insight’s Cerebral Cranial Checkup spell is?”

“I still think that’s a dumb spell name,” Spike snarked as he walked to the table he’d last seen the scroll.

“It is not a dumb name! It’s a very specific spell checking a very specific part of the body!” Twilight replied defensively.

“It’s name is almost redundant. ‘Cerebral’ and ‘cranial’ almost refer to the same part of the body,” Spike said, shifting through the clutter.

“One means skull and the other means brain!” Twilight rebutted, stomping again to punctuate a point.

“But the spell just scans the brain. Why not just call it the ‘Brain Scan Spell’ or something?!” Spike retorted. He could tell Twilight was about to make some long winded speech but at that point, the door to the room opened and Starlight trotted in.

“I couldn’t help but hear your brewing argument and figured I should step in,” the mare said. “The answers are one: probably because alliteration and two: Spike is right. Gleamed Insight probably would have been fine calling it the ‘Brain Scan Spell’. Checkup does sound a little unprofessional paired with the first two parts of the name.”

“Okay, fine! The spell's name isn’t perfect!” Twilight cried. She gave an unsatisfied sigh and looked hard at Spike, promising they’d finish the argument later. “What are you doing back? I thought you were trying to track down Trixie.” Starlight shrugged.

“Ran into another dead end and I figured I’d drop by to see if any of you had some new information on basically anything.” She eyed them questioningly, receiving only a shaking of both heads as reply. “Figures. Anyway, I made the mistake of stopping at Rarity’s first and she sent me on a mission to make sure you two were still keeping up common hygiene standards.”

“Oh, believe me, we’re still good there. Unless you want to pick your way through a minefield of water resistant writing materials, I wouldn’t use the bathroom on this level. What even got Rarity worried about something like that anyway?” Spike asked.

“I might have joked about how sometimes the kitchen looks like a stallion was living in it alone with piles of unwashed dishes in the sink and other stuff. And how bad it must have gotten with everything drawing you and Twilight’s focus away from the usual housekeeping.”

“I’m insulted that you’d even think I’d let standards slip that far,” Spike scoffed with a haughty sniff.

“Oh please. I’ve seen you sniff your armpits and then blow fire on them to clear the dirt, Spike,” Starlight retorted, causing the young dragon’s eyes to widen, which earned a chuckle from Twilight.

“Like you wouldn’t too if you were fireproof,” Spike muttered.

The back-and-forth was interrupted by a loud bang that shook the castle, followed by a relatively smaller one that only shook the room’s window. The two mares, and one dragon, turned to see Rainbow Dash plastered against the window, looking for all the world like an insect stuck to the goggles of a Wonderbolt during a high-speed maneuver. The pegasus mouthed something that might have been ‘let me in,’ and fell through when Starlight opened the window a moment later.

“I can’t take this anymore!” Rainbow Dash shouted, shooting off the ground and hovering in circles overhead. “Waiting, waiting, waiting! All we’ve done is sit on our flanks for months!”

“It’s been less than a week,” Spike said flatly, swinging the window closed again. Rainbow Dash ignored this.

“We have to do something!” She grabbed hold of Twilight’s face, smooshing the alicorn so that all she could see was Rainbow Dash’s wild eyes. “I can’t deal with staying still like this, Twilight! Just tell me where I can find one of those so I can punch’m square in the jaw! Even if they capture me, at least then SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.”

Twilight blinked. “Feel better now?”

“No, and that’s the point!” The pegasus still looked nearly wild with the stress, but she did finally land on a relatively clear part of a table. “I hate waiting.”

“You hide it well,” Starlight deadpanned.

“I hate it! And that’s all we’re doing! We have three separate problems out there, each one a Tirek-level threat, and we’re just going about our business like nothing’s wrong!” Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof out the window, nearly cold-clocking Spike in the process. “I passed Pinkie Pie making half a dozen cakes for a party. A party! At a time like this! What if those boys are planning something like what their villains did back in Discord’s game? What if there’s half-demon ponies marching on Canterlot?! Or Armoroids?! Or spider-ponies?! What about half-demon heavily armored spider-ponies, Twilight?! What’d we do about them?!”

Twilight held up a forehoof. “Rainbow Dash.”

“WHAT‽”

“Breathe.” Once the pegasus had taken a big enough breath to effect the air pressure in the room, Twilight continued. “The reason we haven’t done anything is because there’s nothing for us to do now that we haven’t already done. The boys have gone to ground, and with the map still out of commision thanks to Trixie’s sabotage and Light Patch’s interferance, what we need to do now is prepare for when they eventually show up again.” She gave her words a few seconds to sink in before finishing. “We’re not standing still, we’re just… lying in wait.”

Rainbow Dash sighed, finally relaxing a bit. “Is that what we’re doing? I’ve been sitting in my room and binging on Paladins of Equestria for three days straight.”

“Did you finish the series?” Spike asked.

“Three times.”

Spike gave a low whistle, then returned to straightening piles that had been disturbed by the pegasus. “Well, Twilight, at least you’re not the only one going crazy thanks to those colts.”

“I’m not going crazy!” Twilight shrieked. She immediately clapped her forehoof over her mouth. “I’m just… under a little stress right now from all the… lying in wait.”

Starlight shifted some stacks to clear a seat, which she then took. “What’re the rest of the Elements doing? It can’t just be the two of you going nuts.”

Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. “Applejack’s been working on the farm non-stop. Big Mac was saying they’ll have the orchard bucked in record time at this rate.”

“And how much of that work is stress-fueled?” Starlight asked.

“Do I look like her therapist? She’s been working, and that means that if Equestria’s still around in a few months, we’ll have a bumper crop of cider.” Rainbow Dash sighed, forcing herself to calm down again. “Fluttershy’s been working with her animals to search the Everfree Forest for Steven Magnet. Apparently that big blob monster that lives near him has gone missing.”

“Whimsy?” Spike asked. “Whimsy’s harmless as long as they stay away from Ponyville. Why worry about them?”

“Whimsy’s also an Aboleth,” Twilight explained. “Which means they’re a living piece of history. Not knowing where they are is like… losing track of a Mint-In-Box Minifig of ‘Smog, The Chieftest and Greatest of Calamities, Esq.’ Edition.”

“Ah.” Spike nodded. “Now that makes sense.”

“Those are the only two I know about,” Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. “Well, and Pinkie working on the party cakes or something. Anypony know what Rarity’s up to?”

Starlight raised a forehoof. “Actually, I imagine Rarity and Pinkie Pie’s work is related. Rarity is working on updating some dresses she made for the Grand Galloping Gala.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Why’s she doing that?”

“Because Prince-Regent Blueblood is throwing a Regency Coronation party in Canterlot,” Starlight explained. “And apparently fancy dresses and tasty cakes are an excellent way to get into the good graces of the stallion who’s working with the Senate.”

“And therefore P.I.S.S.,” Twilight finished with a sigh. “Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to take this time and see if we can get Blueblood to reign them in and let us get some work done.”

“Prince-Regent Blueblood,” Rainbow Dash repeated with a shudder. “Almost as bad as ‘Alicorn Princess Discord’, if you ask me. Why’s he in charge? Aren’t there two perfectly good Princesses to do the job?”

“One of which is dealing with the suspicious bandits up north,” Twilight said, “and the other is trying to figure out how to keep three idiots from destroying Equestria. Besides, with P.I.S.S. in the picture, putting me in charge would make the chain of command look like one of Opal’s yarn balls.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Still, Prince-Regent Blueblood…”

“What are you, Rarity?” Starlight snarked. “Blueblood might be a spoiled child, but he’s not the worst thing that could happen to Equestria.”

“Unless you happen to be Rarity,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Can we not talk about what could go wrong?” Spike asked. “That’s almost always immediately followed by everything that can go wrong going wrong.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “That’s ridiculous.”

“It happens on an annoyingly frequent basis,” Twilight muttered. “Especially when it comes to three specific boys.”

“It’s coincidence,” Starlight said, “not causation. Equestria has made it through the rules of Discord, Tirek, and probably half a dozen other more dangerous villains-”

“Don’t say it,” Spike whispered. “Don’t. Don’t you say it.”

“What could possibly go wrong with Blueblood being regent?”

Two hooves and one claw slapped against their respective owners’ faces. “Here we go,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“What?” Starlight cocked her head to the side. “What’s going?”

“Just wait for it,” Twilight sighed. “Somepony will burst through that door right about…”

As if on cue, the door slammed open. Rarity stumbled as she tried to avoid a pile of reference material. “Twilight!” she gasped, coming to a stop in the middle of the room. “It’s Blueblood! He- And as much as I would ordinarily take delight in this, it hardly seems like the time- Well, the news from Canterlot could hardly have come at a worse time-”

“Rarity,” Twilight said flatly. “Breathe in first, then talk.”

After a gasp of breath, Rarity nodded. “News from Canterlot says that Prince Blueblood collapsed on the throne this afternoon. No-pony has been able to wake him since!”

Starlight snorted. “Maybe he needs a kiss from his Princess Charming.”

If there were ever a glare that could banish a pony to the moon, Rarity certainly came the closest to replicating it. “This is serious! No-pony I talked to knows who’s supposed to be in charge now! Someponies are saying Twilight should take the throne, others are pushing for the Senate to take charge, and I even heard one pony say that the Prince’s butler is next in the line of succession!” She scoffed, flipping her mane back into place. “That last rumor, by the way, came from Loose Lips down at the marketplace, so I would only put as much faith in it as you would in a lace handkerchief holding up a battleaxe.”

“Well,” Starlight said briskly, and pointedly avoiding the glares of two ponies and a dragon, “th-that doesn’t count. It happened before I even said anything.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“She asked what could go wrong,” Spike said.

Rarity gasped. “Oh, dear, you didn’t!”

“Don’t you start on that too,” Starlight grumbled. “Do you really think anything else is going to-”

“The bacon is lit!” Pinkie Pie dropped down from some space above the ceiling, and landed in the middle of the gathered ponies. “The Crystal Empire calls for aid!”

Three ponies, sans the newly arrived Earth Pony, plus one dragon, glared at Starlight. “Alright,” the unicorn said slowly, “maybe there’s something to be said about your little… theory.”

Seemingly satisfied, Twilight turned back to Pinkie. “What’s happening in the north, Pinkie? Cadance needs help with something?”

“If she doesn’t now, she certainly will soon!” Pinkie pounced onto the table, sending papers into the air. “My Pinkie Sense is going crazy! The ‘Bandit Infighting Disrupting Precious Party Supply Lines’ sense! Something’s goin’ on up there, and it’s as bad as a sleep-deprived Applejack’s baking!”

“Bandits?” The conversation had Rainbow Dash’s attention now. “You mean like the ones taking all the food?”

“Exactly those ones! I told you; something rotten in the Frozen North!” Pinkie Pie paced, knocking a stack of scrolls into Spike’s waiting arms. “That’s what was wrong about them taking all the food! They weren’t trying to eat it or sell it; they were stockpiling it! It’s Bandit: Civil War up there, and we don’t even know which side has Captain Equestria on it!”

“Hang on,” Starlight interrupted. “Just to be clear, we’re basing all of this on a hunch?”

“When it comes to Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said with a sigh, “then yes, absolutely.”

Starlight blinked. “Alright, sure. So that’s it, right? We can start dealing with these-”

Spike held up a claw. “From what I’ve read, these sorts of things come in threes.”

“In what you’ve read?” Starlight raised an eyebrow. “So… in those comic books?”

“Hey, in our current situation, they count as scholarly texts!”

There was a knock at the door. “Uh, Twi?” Applejack moved into the room, stepping over the disturbed piles of books. “Ah’m sure this is probably a bad time, but… there’s somethin’ Ah heard from my cousin Braeburn just a bit ago.”

Spike stuck his forked tongue out. “Told ya.”

Twilight ignored the spat behind her. “What is it, Applejack?”

“It’s, uh…” Applejack scratched her head under her hat. “It’s gonna sound pretty weird, Ah ain’t gonna lie.”

“Trust me, it won’t be the weirdest thing we’ve heard in the last ten minutes.”

“Ah’s wager bits on it givin’ a good run for that trophy.” Applejack took a deep breath. “It’s, uh… alicorns. In Appleloosa.”

Twilight blinked. “Alicorns?”

“In Appleloosa, yeah.”

“No, that’s the part I understood. Which alicorns? Princess Celestia? Luna? Maybe Cadance and Flurry Heart? Or an alternate universe-slash-future version of me?”

“Yeah, that’s the part that makes this a bit ‘turnip in the apple sauce’.” Applejack cleared her throat. “It ain’t any of them.”

Twilight blinked again. “But… that’s all of the alicorn’s there are. Who is it, then?”

“Some stallion by th’ name of Flash Dancer. And, uh… he brought friends. Lots of them.” Applejack took her hat off, holding it at her side. “And they sounded awful set on bein’ Appleloosa’s new bosses.”

Twilight opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “What.”

“And Los Pegasus’ bosses too,” Applejack continued. “And Dodge City. And from how Braeburn tells it, they’re determined to do the same up in Tall Tale too.”

“Hang on.” Twilight pinched the bridge of her muzzle. “How many alicorns are there, exactly?”

“From what my cousin says?” Applejack swallowed hard. “All of them.”

The room fell silent. Eventually, the gaze of five ponies and one dragon landed on the remaining mare in the room. Starlight gulped. “I’m, uh…” She edged towards the door. “Not that this means any of that was my fault, but I’m going to… go look for Trixie again. Somewhere very far from here.” With that, she bolted.

The remaining ponies turned to Twilight, “So,” Spike said slowly. “We have an indisposed and deposed ruler, a war in the north, and an invading alien force. What do we do, Twilight? ...Twilight?”

Twilight had moved to a cupboard in the corner, which she opened with a click. “Well, there’s a skill I’ve always imagined being useful in this situation,” she said, rummaging in the dark cupboard. “I figured now would be a good time to start practicing it.”

“And what skill is that,” Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight turned around, a half-drained bottle of cider pressed to her lips. Eventually, the bottle was empty, and she could speak. “Day-drinking.”

Silence echoed in the room once more. Finally, Rarity cleared her throat. “I do hope you have enough in there for the rest of us, dear.”

Chapter 33: Princesscoltsinensinainciusol

“Twilight,” Rarity said as they walked out of Snohomare’s train station, having just teleported from Canterlot. “Do you honestly intend to comb the entire Pony North West searching for this Baelhart?”

“No,” the purple alicorn replied. “I intend to comb the entire Pony North West looking for Purple Patches and Baelhart.”

“Ah. Right. Do you have any idea where to start?” Rarity inquired. The pair strolled down the street towards the city center.

“Nope.”

Rarity sighed, rolling her eyes. “What did the receptionist say about Baelhart’s contact information or address?”

“That it was somewhere in Snohomare. Apparently, the Illustrious Senator wasn’t in office long enough for the paperwork for his past residence or credentials to be archived properly. It was still in a folder on his desk. The janitor found it as they were cleaning it out.”

“Lucky the janitor didn’t place it in the rubbish,” Rarity commented.

“It was lucky,” Twilight agreed as they came to a stop by an intersection bustling with ponies. While they waited for the traffic to subside enough to cross, Twilight pulled out the notecard the receptionist had scribbled the address on. “Fortunately for us, Baelhart’s last address was narrowed down for us to a bookstore.” She paused, frowning as she considered the note.

Rarity looked curiously at her purple companion. The traffic dwindled to several occasional carriages, but Twilight remained rooted, ignoring the world around her.

“Ah… Twilight?” Rarity prompted, gently nudging the purple mare.

“Coincidentally,” Twilight said, “it’s the same bookstore that Local Wits End lives over...”

“Really...” Rarity hummed. “Is there cause for concern? Or are you merely pointing out something purely coincidental that your overworked, paranoid brain connected between two ponies that probably haven’t met each other before?”

Twilight shot the fashionista a deadpan glare. “This is Purple Heart we’re talking about, remember?”

Rarity sniffed. “Yes, the colt that challenges your morals and perspective on a lark and has the attention span of a squirrel,” she snarked. “I know of the colt you speak of. I’m telling you, darling, you’re getting paranoid again.”

“It's not paranoia if the world’s actually out to get you,” Twilight countered. The pair trotted hurriedly through a break in traffic and strode over to a shop front filled with books.

“You really need a vacation after all this is over, dear,” Rarity commented, pushing the door open. A bell jangled overhead and a hoarse ‘welcome’ reached their ears from the back of the shop.

“At this rate, I’m thinking it will take another year or two to track down those three jerks,” Twilight huffed. A large purple earth pony stepped out from between two shelves. His golden mane and tail gave off a dull, burnished shine in the fading afternoon sun.

“Can I help you two ladies find anything?” the colt asked, adjusting his glasses as he peered down at the two mares.

Twilight blinked in surprise. “Senator Baelhart?”

Baelhart’s countenance shifted and he frowned. “Oh. It’s you. Is there something else I can help you with, princess? I’m rather busy running a shop.” Twilight and Rarity couldn’t help but look around. The three of them were the only ponies in the shop. “Very busy.”

“The last time I was here, I remember another pony helping me,” Twilight commented.

“Not very surprising,” Baelhart said. “Unlike some towns, there are cities that house occupations requiring more than one pony on its payroll. I presume it was my co-owner, Wayward Sun, you met?” At Twilight’s nod, he exhaled a snort. “As you can see, he isn’t here.”

“And where is Wayward Sun at the moment?” Rarity asked.

Baelhart arched an eyebrow. “He’s on a sabbatical down south,” he said. “Went down to the Mysterious South in hopes of finding ‘his own Sun’. Whatever that means. I just hope he stays away from the maggots. The Mysterious South is rife with them. And who knows what else lurks in the ruins of Lost Izalithoroughbred...”

“Ah… What about Mister Wits End? Does he still live upstairs?” Twilight asked. With a roll of his eyes, Baelhart turned away from the pair of mares, speaking over his shoulder as he vanished between the shelves.

“Haven’t the foggiest,” he said. “Little berk comes and goes as he pleases. He could still be up there or his paper moved him closer to their headquarters. Frankly, I don't know and don’t care.”

“Rather rude, isn’t he?” Rarity whispered.

“He would be, considering you got him fired,” Baelhart said from behind them. Rarity jolted and glared at the unrepentant purple colt. Twilight resisted the urge to slap him with her magic. Instead, she bowed her head in apology.

“It wasn’t my intention to remove you from office,” she said. “I-”

“Yes, it was,” Baelhart interrupted.

Twilight blinked, raising her head. “I can assure you that-”

“It was,” the purple colt repeated. “Granted, I’m still salty about it, but I understand why. You didn’t want to be controlled.” He shrugged. “Makes sense to me. Nopony likes being controlled. But it didn’t help you much, did it?”

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked.

“I’m guessing you thought I had an unusual amount of influence on the Panel, hmm?” At Twilight’s silent nod, Baelhart continued. “You thought that removing me from a position of power would lessen the constraints the Panel put on your and your friend.” He gestured at them with a hoof. “Didn’t work, did it? I may be out of the senate, but the Panel still exists. And it will continue to do what it has been mandated to do: reviewing and assessing the status of any situation within or without the borders of Equestria.”

Twilight stared incredulously at the ex-senator. “So are you saying that getting you out of the senate did nothing?” Rarity asked.

Baelhart shrugged. “Who knows? If you were trying to abolish the Panel, you went about doing so in the wrong way. I’m actually surprised that Celestia didn’t veto the bill that instigated its creation.” He let out a chuckle. “Come to think of it, she didn’t do that after my trial either. So much for Top Class’ ‘this is still a monarchy. Not a democracy’ line!” Twilight and Rarity glared at the colt as he laughed.

“What could I have done to remove the Panel?” Twilight ground out. “Stack the senate behind me?”

“Yes,” Baelhart deadpanned.

The two mares blinked. “Really?”

Baelhart snorted. “That’s politics. If you don’t like it, change it.” He turned and disappeared between the shelves again. Rarity looked at Twilight.

“Well? Now what?” the unicorn asked. Twilight’s response was sidelined by the bell above the door ringing in another entrant. The two mares peered around a bookshelf to see who the newcomer was.

“Mister Baelhart,” Purple Patches called, “are there any new plays for perusing yet?”

“East wall,” Baelhart replied from across the shop.

“Thank you,” Patches replied gratefully. He took a step towards the east wall only to pause as two mares blocked his way. “Ehm… Excuse me?”

“You may not be,” Rarity sniffed.

“...Excuse me please?”

“You’re Purple Patches, aren’t you?” Twilight inquired.

“Yeeeeees?” Patches replied. “Pardon me if I’m being rude, but do I know you two? Have I cast you before?”

“Thankfully, you have not,” Twilight retorted. “But you did instigate a whole public relations nightmare for us Princesses.”

“I did?” Patches blinked. Then his eyes widened with realization “You’re Princess Twilight! I’m so sorry! I didn’t recognize you! That last time I saw you, you were putting the smack down on Discord! Now you just look… really tired...”

Twilight gave the colt an eye-twitching deadpan stare and rubbed at the bags under her eyes. “I’m a little stressed right now,” she admitted. “And your show had a small part in making me stressed.”

“Oh… My apologies then,” Patches said, edging around the two mares. “I suggest a nice hibernation. A week or so of uninterrupted sleep can do wonders for you.”

“Would if I could!” the purple alicorn snapped. “I’ve been spending the last few months trying to find these three idiotic colts that have somehow combined with three irritating villains from a game of all things that Discord happened to make years ago! I’ve been having little to no luck at tracking them down and now there’s all this madness happening in Equestria with Blueblood being made regent only to trip and fall on his face so that his butler becomes regent and there’s problems with bandits in the north AND we’ve been invaded by ALICORNS for Celestia’s sake AND I just really need a vacation from all this STUPIDITY!” She stopped, panting for breath as she glared at Purple Patches and Baelhart peeking at her from behind a shelf.

Twilight swallowed, ignoring Rarity’s wide-eyed stare. “So yes, a week-long hibernation would be glorious, but I’m a little busy keeping Equestria from being inundated with problems and I’m sort of failing right now!”

The shop was silent but for Twilight’s heavy breathing as the last words of her rant rattled around the two colts’ skulls.

Two more beats of silence passed. Then Baelhart turned to Purple Patches. “I think she needs some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective,” he muttered quietly. Unfortunately, his words were not nearly as quiet as he hoped.

Twilight snapped.

With a shriek of pure frustration, twin lances of harsh purple light strobed out from her horn and smote the two colts square in their chests. Baelhart and Purple Patches let out a harmonious squawk of surprise that ceased as they each disintegrated into clouds of green strings.

Twilight and Rarity blinked in stunned silence. The strings hanging in the air dissipated slowly as they cascaded gently downwards. All vanished before either mare spoke.

“Twilight,” Rarity said. “What did you just do?”

“I... uh...” Twilight licked her lips and swallowed. “I think I may have overreacted.”

“Clearly.” Rarity paused for a beat. “Was that what the spell was supposed to do?”

Twilight didn’t respond. She was still staring at the two scorch marks on the carpet.

“Twilight?” Rarity prompted.

“Hmm?”

“Was that what the spell was supposed to do?” Rarity repeated.

“Ah… No...” Twilight replied, stepping forward to peer at one of the scorch marks.

“What was it then?” Rarity asked. The white unicorn rolled her eyes and tapped Twilight on the shoulder when the other mare didn’t respond.

“It was supposed to shock them,” Twilight explained. “Just a minor… shock...” Her voice petered out.

Rarity stepped around to scrutinize her friend’s profile. “Twi dear? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just thinking...”

“About… what?”

“How they both vanished. It seems familiar. Almost like I’ve seen it before somewhere...”

Rarity looked back at the scorched carpet, brow furrowed in rumination. “Threads… Green strings… Like what Purple Heart said Bael’s remains were at the end of the game?” she asked.

Twilight perked up. “Yes!” she crowed, turning to grab Rarity by the shoulders. “And when we fought Grim Hammer that time!”

Rarity recoiled, causing the purple alicorn to drop her forehooves back to the floor. “You mean when he cloned himself?”

Twilight shook her head vigorously. “Like when Bael cloned them!”

“Bael?” Rarity frowned in confusion. “You mean they were controlled by Bael or Bael made clones of Grim Hammer?”

“Exactly!”

“...I think you’ve lost me, darling.”

Twilight didn’t even bat an eyelash and strode deeper into the shop. “Bael had the interesting ability of creating and directly controlling entities he made,” she called over her shoulder. “Specifically, he controlled Grim Hammer during Purple Heart’s fight in the Coliseum and the clones of Grim Hammer when we got into the castle of Gallopilli.”

Rarity hummed thoughtfully, brow furrowed as she thought back to what Twilight was referring too. “Okay, I’m following.”

Twilight reappeared around a bookshelf, a closed sign bobbing before her as she walked over to the front window of the shop. “Also consider Heart Burn, the kid Bael possessed in the Canterlot High world.”

Rarity blinked. Twilight set about placing the closed sign in the window, waiting for her companion’s response. Several seconds of silence passed and Twilight turned to see a blank look on Rarity’s face.

“Oh,” Twilight realized. “Did I not tell you about that?”

“If you had, darling,” Rarity said, “it was probably lost in the furor of trying to summon the colts to Equestria.”

“Which just so happens to lead directly to the next part of my theory,” Twilight said triumphantly. Rarity’s soft question of ‘how’ was lost in the purple alicorn’s continued speech. “Sunset appeared while I was reading in my castle and promptly went into hysterics about the colts and the villains being pulled towards a portal. Thinking quickly, I asked to use the mirror so that Sunset and I could get back to Canterlot High. We had to wait for three days.”

Rarity frowned. “Was there a waiting list for the mirror?”

“Yes. But that’s not important. What’s important is that the colts and the villains went into the portal,” Twilight continued. “Mister Holdfast and Heart Burn popped up after a little while, seemingly unharmed and completely oblivious to recent events. Just Duty, however, didn’t reappear.”

Rarity’s frown deepened. “So… you were saying earlier that Heart Burn was possessed by Bael? Is that the same as what happened with Mister Holdfast?”

Twilight shook her head, a wide grin on her face. “No, much better. Discord took the Holdfast from the game and shoved it into the Local Holdfast. He told me so himself.”

Rarity arched an eyebrow at her friend. “Really...” she drawled. Twilight’s grin went a little stiff and she coughed.

“Anyways, I’m thinking that the essence of Bael, Holdfast, and Just Duty went with the colts to wherever they ended up. Which happened to be Limbo,” Twilight said.

“Ahuh… And when you tried to summon the colts to Equestria, you accidentally got the villains and the colts mixed up?” Rarity inquired.

Twilight’s smile vanished with a wince and she nodded. “I think so.”

“So your theory is that the colts have merged with their villains?”

“Yes.”

“...I can’t really argue with that. It actually makes sense.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Twilight preened.

“Now what?” Rarity asked.

Twilight balked. “...Um… We go back to Canterlot to see if Beekler Alfreeves is another clone or the actual Purple Heart?”

Rarity shrugged. “Sounds plan-like.” She froze. “I’m not sure how much I like using the colts’ vernacular…”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” Twilight said. An involuntary shiver ran up her spine. “Yeh-” Shiver, “-I can agree with that.”

* * *

A sharp crack split the air as two mares burst into existence in an opulently decorated room, accompanied by a bright flash of purple light. Then the room returned to silent darkness. The silence was promptly broken again when a chair tipped over and let out a loud clatter as it struck the floor.

“What the buck!” Rarity swore, shaking an invisible hoof.

“Quiet!” Twilight hissed. “And be careful!” The alicorn murmured under her breath and the lights of the room flicked on, illuminating the empty chamber.

“How can I be careful when I can’t even see where I’m stepping?!” Rarity snapped.

Twilight released a sigh and the spell ended, revealing the two mares. Rarity rubbed at her leg, glaring at the offending chair.

“Maybe we should use that spell when it's needed,” Twilight mused.

“I second that,” Rarity agreed. “So, where are we?”

“My chambers when I visit Canterlot,” Twilight replied. “It's the only room in the castle that I know for certain doesn’t get too many visitors.”

“What about the cleaners that make sure you aren’t snorting dust every time you visit?” Rarity asked as they made their way to the door.

“I’m not worried about that at all,” Twilight replied confidently. “I doubt there’s anything to worry about.” Her magic pulled the door open and the pair of mares came face to face with a very startled earth pony bedecked in maid clothes. The colt squeaked in surprise and turned to flee when Twilight’s magic lashed out, striking the retreating colt on the head. His legs buckled and he fell, sliding across the polish floor far further than he should have.

Rarity looked askance at Twilight as they stepped over to where the colt lay. “You didn’t hurt him, did you?” she asked.

Twilight shook her head and grasped the limp colt with her magic. “Just a small case of severe amnesia,” she replied. “He’ll be right as rain in a few days.”

“He’d better be,” Rarity warned, picking up the colt with her magic and moving him into Twilight’s chambers.

“Why are you putting him there?” Twilight asked. “That’s my room.”

“Unless I’m mistaken, you aren’t using it at the moment and it was you who knocked the poor thing unconscious,” Rarity retorted. “You are responsible.” Twilight winced at the unicorn’s tone and nodded in acquiescence. Rarity sniffed and laid the colt on the bed, closing the doors behind her as she returned to the corridor after flicking the lights off.

“Now, where should Blueblood be?” she asked Twilight as they continued down the hall. “In his chambers? A high security wing of a hospital? Drooling in his cereal?”

Twilight cut a sideways look at the fashionista. “You’re still sore about him ruining your expectations, huh?”

Rarity smiled a little too widely. “What gave it away?” she crooned, eyes tightening.

“Oh, nothing much,” Twilight lied, gulping quietly.

“If we didn’t have several major crises on our hooves, I wouldn’t think twice about leaving Blueblood alone,” Rarity said. “But unfortunately, the alternative isn’t much better. We don’t know Beekler and he very well might be Purple Heart set on making things as difficult for us as possible. We do, however, know Blueblood to be a whiny, weak-willed, chauvinistic git.”

“The lesser of two evils,” Twilight commented. “I have to agree...” She trailed off, eyes lowering to the floor as she navigated through the corridors on autopilot.

“Stop it,” Rarity chided.

Twilight blinked and looked at her companion. “Stop what?”

“Questioning morality,” Rarity elaborated. “We don’t have time for it.”

“But-”

“Twilight.” Twilight stopped walking when Rarity grabbed her shoulder. “You did what you thought was right with the colts at the time.”

“But it wasn’t right!” the purple alicorn replied. “If I hadn’t pushed them, if I hadn’t exacerbated the situation, this all wouldn’t have happened! We’d have just sent them back to where they came from and we wouldn’t have to fight them!”

“Well, it did happen,” Rarity snapped. Twilight looked at her with teary eyes. “It all isn’t just your fault. The colts are also responsible for whatever has changed them. Things don’t always go according to plan and plans never survive first contact with the enemy. We just need to find a way to fix it to the best of our ability and do what we believe is right.”

Twilight sniffled and nodded. She gave a weak smile and giggled softly. “‘Plans never survive first contact with the enemy,’ huh?” she quoted. “We have been around the colts for far too long.”

Rarity shrugged and the pair resumed walking. “For such idiotic fusterclucks, they all share a remarkable amount of wisdom amongst themselves.” The duo chuckled and turned a corner only to jerk back around, eyes wide with surprise and panic.

“Cast the invisibility now!” Rarity hissed as the sound of clopping hooves grew louder around the corner. Nodding rapidly, Twilight’s horn glowed and the pair vanished under the purple alicorn’s invisibility spell just as Regent Beekler walked around the corner flanked by two armoured colts and a short train of advisors. The two mares blinked in unison, recognizing one of the armoured colts to be Casus Belli, the previously retired guardspony officer.

“How many alicorns exactly have managed to cross our borders unimpeded and capture townships from Tall Tale to Appleloosa?” Beekler was saying as he stalked down the corridor.

The armoured colt to his left coughed. “Your majesty,” he said, “you must understand that we have been at peace for a number of years now and when we did have to deal with hostile elements, they were taken care of by the Elements of Harmony. Suffice to say, we were taken by surprise.”

“That, I can understand plainly, General Belisaddelus,” Beekler retorted, stopping mere paces from where Twilight and Rarity stood hidden. The pair stood flattened against the wall, trying to stay as far from the colt as possible. “However, you didn’t answer my question. How many of them have crossed the western border?”

“We don’t know,” Casus Belli said from his other side.

“What time exactly did this happen?” Beekler asked, switching his ire from one general to the other.

“We don’t know.”

“Do we know if they have any plans to move further into Equestria at this moment in time?”

“We don’t know.”

Beekler’s face twisted into a scowl. “True or false: if I were to stand at the top of Canterlot Castle with a good telescope, I’d be as informed as I am now?” the Regent snapped.

“That’s true,” the two generals chorused.

Beekler swore and turned to a window, frustration evident in his posture. The coterie behind him shuffled uncomfortably as the Regent thought to himself. After a moment, he spoke.
“What’s the status of Observation Post 9983?” he asked.

“They’re holding out,” Belisaddelus answered after a moment of rumination. “However, it is unclear how long they will continue to do so.”

Beekler nodded slowly, still looking out the window. “Enact Salvation Protocol 9983.” Both generals shared a surprised look.

“Are you certain, sire?” Casus Belli asked slowly. “It's never been-”

“I’m aware, General Belli.”

“But surely there are other avenues we can take-”

“Do it,” Beekler hissed, eyes flashing as he whirled around to glare at the generals. The two colts stiffened and saluted.

“Yes, your majesty,” the generals chorused. The regent held his regal bearing for but a moment, then sagged slightly.

“I won’t mince words, ponies,” Beekler said, tone softening to a serious cadence instead of one filled with rage. “It has been generations since a major conflict has struck Equestria and we are wholly underprepared for an invasion of any size. We need to pull out all the stops to retain a semblance of control over the situation.” He paused, letting his gaze drift over the ponies before him. “Equestria is in danger. Our Princesses are lost to the winds, our military hasn’t been fully mobilized in years, and one of our best countermeasures is mired in bureaucracy. We cannot afford to wait for help to arrive. We must make our own. Our citizens are looking to us for guidance and I intend to stand before them and say I can defend them. That is what a monarch should be capable of. I do not intend to let history remember me for failing to defend our country.”

Beekler looked each pony in the eye and saw resolved determination staring back at him. He nodded in approval and looked at the two generals.

“Enact Salvation Protocol 9983,” he said to Belisaddelus. He turned his gaze to Casus Belli. “Ready the Home Guard and request volunteers from the city and the surrounding townships. Send word to Colonel Hathi in the Badlands to ready his troops to march out. I finally have a task suitable for him and his brigade.” He looked over their shoulders at an advisor behind them. “Contact the quartermasters of each garrison across the country and outfit any and all guardponies completely. Any leftover equipment is to be sent to the Smokey Mountains, Filly Delphia, and Everfree Forest.” He looked at the other advisors. “Assemble in my study in one hour. We’ll prepare further from there.”

He gave the group a cursory look and smiled tightly with pride.

“You all have your orders,” Beekler said. “Make it so.” The two generals saluted, less stiffly this time, and departed quickly, followed shortly by the advisors. Beekler turned to look out the window at the surrounding countryside. Minutes passed and Twilight and Rarity stood silently against the wall, watching the large colt. A gust of breath billowed from Beekler’s lips and he stepped away from the window. He strode away, vanishing around a corner with several long strides, finally leaving the two mares alone to unveil themselves. Rarity opened her mouth to speak, but Twilight placed a hoof over her lips and cocked her head to the side, tensely listening to the regent’s hoofbeats fade away. Moments passed before silence fell on the corridor and Rarity whistled softly.

“I hate to admit this,” she said, “but he certainly knows how to orate.”

“He’s a politician,” Twilight huffed as she walked around the corner that Beekler and his coterie had come from. “Politicians are supposed to be good at lying.”

Rarity eyed the purple alicorn, joining her around the corner.

“It didn’t sound like he was lying to me,” she commented. “I think he was sincere about protecting Equestria from the Alicorn invasion.”

“How?” Twilight retorted. “From what Applejack told us what Braeburn said, they’ve nearly as far east as Baltimare and as far north as Tall Tale. They’ve cut Equestria in half. Unless P.I.S.S. wakes up, the Elements aren’t going to be able to do anything to stop the Alicorns.”

Rarity didn’t respond. She thought on her companion’s words as they walked past door after door. Every so often, Twilight opened one and peaked inside, only to close it with a growl and continue on.

“What even is Observation Post 9983?” Rarity asked.

“I don’t know,” was the terse reply. “Salvation Protocal 9983 doesn’t ring any bells either. It's probably military jargon. A last ditch effort to stave off the invasion or something like that.”

“Maybe it's something we should look into while we’re here,” Rarity suggested. “It should give us a good idea of what Purple Heart is planning.”

“We don’t even know if Beekler is Purple Heart,” Twilight replied, slamming another door shut. “I need cold, hard evidence that he is who I think he is or else I’ll just be accusing the Regent of impersonation. And that’s just what I need on my plate right now.”

Rarity looked hard at Twilight for a long while. More doors were yanked open and slammed shut. With each passing empty room, Twilight’s face glowed as her magic aura swelled with her anger.

“Twilight, darling,” Rarity sighed. “I mean this with all possible respect...but stop thinking like a politician and start thinking like a Princess.”

Twilight balked, her magical aura evaporating as she turned to blink rapidly at Rarity.

“Pardon me?” she choked out.

“Your defeatist attitude is getting on my nerves, Twilight, and I think it's because you’ve let yourself associate with this idea of ‘bureaucracy above all’. You’re a princess. You are above this petty feuding within the senate and the Panel. Please, for your sake and for the rest of us, start acting like one. Now is as good a time as any.”

Twilight blinked several more times at Rarity, her mouth agape as steam rushed from her ears.

“I-”

The sound of hooves and shouting stopped the Princess from speaking and without a word, the two mares flattening themselves against the wall as Twilight cast Invisibility. From around a corner came a sprinting pony clad in a fine travelling coat. Blueblood barreled past the two invisible mares and threw open a door, diving inside.

“Where is it?! Where IS IT?! I’m NOT leaving Canterlot without it!” cried the pale unicorn, his voice echoing around the corridor. Twilight and Rarity gaped in surprise as a hail of assorted baubles and nick-nacks soared out the open door, most of which shattered against the stone walls. Blueblood zipped out of the room and into another, babbling away as he ransacked the chamber searching for whatever ‘it’ is.

Twilight inched forward, interested, but hesitant to peek into the room. A hoof on her shoulder stopped her and she turned to glare questioningly at Rarity. The mare wasn’t looking at her, not that she could have seen past the Invisibility to begin with, and instead was looking down the corridor at the approaching Beekler Alfreeves.

“What is he doing back here?!” Twilight hissed softly.

“I don’t know! Shush!” whispered Rarity. The two mares quieted, not even daring to breath as Beekler drew even with them. The large earth pony loosed a soft growl of irritation upon seeing the devastation Blueblood left in his wake.

“Sir, your chariot awaits,” Beekler said loudly. The sounds of Blueblood’s mad dash petered out and the white colt peeked around the edge of the doorway to the fifth room his ransacking had driven him to.

“But… but, Beekler!” he whined. “I can’t find it! It’s lost forever and I shall never find it! Everything is ruined!” Twilight and Rarity, despite the need to breathe, watched on in fascination.

Beekler just gave the sobbing colt one long, slow blink. “Your blanket is in the chariot,” the large colt deadpanned. Immediately, Blueblood’s sobbing ceased and he stood up from where he’d slumped against the wall.

“Ah, excellent, Beekler,” Blueblood chortled. “I don’t know what I would have done, had you not found it.”

Another long, slow blink. “You would have had to stay and deal with the current issues plaguing Equestria instead of hiding.”

“Ah, y-yes,” Blueblood stammered, poking the floor with a hoof. “That...”

“Might I add that it wasn’t so much the finding so much as you putting it in the chariot, getting distracted, and panicking when you couldn’t find it,” Beekler drawled. “From what I heard at least. Now, shall we?” He stepped aside, gesturing with a hoof back the way they’d come.

“Indeed!” cheered Blueblood, trotting over to Beekler. “Could you order me some more sushi for the trip?”

“I’m sure you can pass Wasabi’s before you leave Canterlot.”

“Excellent! My usual will do fine and add on an extra order of that fried bird thing. ‘Twas most delicious when I first tried it. And I think...” Twilight and Rarity looked on in confused amazement as Blueblood continued to rattle off his lunch order as he was led down the corridor and around the corner. As soon as Beekler’s tail vanished, Invisibility dropped and the two mares gasped for breath. As they sought to regain their breath, they shared a look of utter bafflement.

“So,” Rarity commented, breathing heavily. “Blueblood’s gone on sabbatical. I think I prefer that to him being regent.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed, beckoning the white unicorn with a hoof. “Let’s get out of here before we actually get found.”

Chapter 34: Stairway to War

“-and that was when Purple Heart and Wits End had to sit down and explain what a ‘waifu’ was. Twilight had to use a silence spell so they could finish the explanation. Because Light Patch was laughing so hard,” Pinkie finished.

“I don’t remember you being much quieter,” Rainbow chortled.

“I couldn’t help it! You remember the look on their faces?! Witty was all-” Pinkie did her best imitation of Wits End’s face for that conversation.

“And Purple Heart looked like somepony had just kicked him, but he was sitting next to the princesses and had to hold the scream in!” Rainbow joined in with an imitation of the stallion’s face.

“They sound like some interesting ponies to know,” Winter Sun commented.

“They are, which is why it’s so weird two of them are villains. And who knows what the one we’ve chased up here is up to,” Rainbow sighed, shaking her head in frustration.

“Even I can’t figure out what he’s up to. None of my usual methods have worked. I even tried asking nicely,” Pinkie complained, trotting along behind.

“Well, with any luck, answers should be close at hoof,” Winter Sun assured, leading the group around a bend in a canyon.

“Unless we’re near a town, I doubt that,” Rainbow replied, mindlessly following as she looked at the canyon wall. Her wings flared, lifting her body and her thoughts into the air. It took her mind a moment to catch up and she realized that it was a sign she’d just avoided.

“I was gonna let you know we were almost at Glacier Host, but you both seemed so caught up in the story,” Winter Sun said, trying and failing to hide the smile on her face at Rainbow’s stupefied expression.

“I guess time does fly when you’re having fun with a pegasus,” Pinkie cheerily chimed in.

“What can I say but, ‘I’m just that awesome’.” Rainbow Dash preened proudly.

“Almost as modest as the ‘big damn heroes’,” Winter Sun snickered. Her snickering broke out into full-on laughter at the mock angry glare Rainbow Dash threw at her. The trio continued to laugh for several minutes, drawing the looks and glances of some of the locals.

“So, now that we’re here, you’ve got a package to deliver, right?” Winter Sun asked, wiping a tear from her muzzle so it couldn’t freeze.

“Right! Time to try to find a pony we got a rushed description of and have never met before!” Rainbow Dash declared with a sardonic smile. A spark of hope lit her face up. “I don’t suppose Pinkie Sense could help?” The party pony looked thoughtful for a few seconds and then scrunched up her face in serious concentration.

She stood there like that for a minute and just as Winter Sun was about to ask if she was okay, her mane suddenly poofed out a little further and her tail curled up into a spiral and she hovered just above the snow. Almost as abruptly, Pinkie’s mane and tail returned to normal and landed in the snow.

“No luck on finding Moon Dancer, but we are about to be shaken down for money,” Pinkie replied, still smiling despite the information she’d just relayed. Both of her companion’s shared a quick look and opened their mouths to speak but were cut off by a deep laugh behind them.

“Looks like I’ll have to be giving you the Oracle Discount,” the owner of the laugh said. “Like your pink friend here said: there's a toll for entering this little town.”

Winter Sun and Rainbow Dash wheeled around to find a minotaur in scrap piece armor looming over them. “Yeah, and what’s the toll-paying for? Not like there are any roads to maintain,” Rainbow retorted, flying up to look the minotaur in the eyes.

“Why? You’re paying for the furtherance of the arts and history. Helping to fund the archaeological dig site that is active in the area. By helping to pay for the security to keep scrupulous sorts from interfering with it.” the minotaur replied, his smirk not leaving his face as he spoke.

“Don’t worry, Dashie, I got this.” Pinkie looked up at the minotaur. “I’m sorry to have to say this, but we don’t have any bits,” she said, prompting the other two mares to hide their mirth.

“We take donations of non-monetary goods as well. Food digging tools, or things we could sell your saddlebags for example,” the minotaur offered, knocking the negotiation back into the mare’s court.

“Welp, that didn’t work and I’m out of ideas. Your turn, Winter,” Pinkie said, quickly stepping to the side

Before Winter Sun could even begin to attempt to think of what to say, an armored griffon thudded into a heavy landing near them. The minotaur’s head whipped to look at the sound of the griffon landing and grunted when he saw the newcomer. The griffon locked eyes with the minotaur. “Why did you stop your patrol? You’ve still got another five blocks to cover!”

“I was discussing the possibility of donations to local archaeological dig sites,” the Minotaur growled.

“So you're shaking them down for chump change when the biggest payday we’d ever need is just days away. Typical short-sighted nature I’d expect from your rabble,” the griffon muttered loud enough for even the mares to have heard.

“I can’t spend money from three days in the future today!” The minotaur grumbled back. The mares thought about credit but wisely kept their mouths shut.

“What do you even need to spend money on? Food and shelter are being provided for free. You've even got access to Tallon Mercenary armorers and weaponsmiths, not that you’d ever thank us for that.” The griffon scoffed, cawing with disdain.

“Our weapons were good enough and we’ve maintained ourselves! We don’t need extras to do all of the needless tasks your bureaucracy and professionalism have burdened you with! Look at all that armor you need to protect your fragile bodies! It’s no wonder you have to have dedicated armorers when you’ve got too much armor and gear to maintain it all yourselves!” the minotaur retorted.

“At least we have armor! You Bowgunners charge in just whatever rags or scrap metal you can find! It’s no wonder you gave up being disciplined! You need so many members to replace your losses, you don’t have time to train! Just give them a vaguely sharp stick and send them in!” The mares looked at each other as the two bandits continued to argue. They looked around to find the streets empty. There weren’t even any signs of other bandits that could break the spat up.

“I think we should break them up before they start fighting. Something is telling me that would be very bad,” Pinkie whispered.

“For once, I don’t think we need Pinkie Sense to confirm that. I’ll try to talk to the griffon if you’ll both try to talk the minotaur down.” Rainbow suggested. Pinkie nodded and wrapped her hooves around Winter Sun, dragging her to the minotaur before she could even try to voice her opinion of the plan.

Rainbow turned and trotted to the griffon who looked affronted at the interruption to his argument with the minotaur. “Why are you even wasting your time with him? Surely you’ve got more important things to do.”

“Someone has to keep that undisciplined rabble on task!” The griffon replied, adjusting his armor and glaring over Rainbow.

“It is hard to match or surpass griffon discipline,” Rainbow agreed, trying to stroke his ego, something she remembered that worked pretty well on Gilda.

“Only your Wonderbolts and the Zebra Shamen Elders truly come close,” The griffon stated, missing the small hint of a snarl on the pegasus’s smile.

“I must admit I’m surprised to see any griffons this far north. It’s got to be a bit cold to be comfortable in the armor you’re wearing,” she noted, spotting the armor looking less well-fitting than she’d have normally expected.

“We do have to wear an extra gambeson to keep the armor from sapping all of our body’s warmth,” he replied, looking at Rainbow. “You seem to be more familiar with griffons than an average pony.”

“What can I say? I like excellence in my friends,” Rainbow replied quickly with a shrug, again trying to stroke his ego and play to the arrogance he’d shown earlier. “And you seem like an extra cut above the others.”

“True,” the griffon said, with a smug smile. Rainbow mentally smiled, sensing an opportunity to get a little extra information out of him.

“So, what are you doing so far north anyway?” she asked, carefully edging around to the side to keep the griffon from looking at the minotaur again.

“Tallon Company’s commander heard of a strong opportunity we’d have been idiots to not take advantage of.” Rainbow had to smother a look of disdain when she’d heard ‘Tallon Company’. She’d heard a lot about them from Gilda of how they were mercenaries in the same way oats were cereal. Just because it could become it in the future doesn’t mean it was now, she sighed to herself.

“So why waste your valuable time here? I’m sure you have more important business. My friends and I can keep a lid on things here.” Rainbow looked around the griffon to see Pinkie clinging to the minotaur’s arm as he flexed while Winter Sun just glared in silence. The griffon had also turned to look and saw what was happening.

“Well, I suppose I should be getting back to Groundhog Labyrinth.” He gave a side-eye to the blue pegasus. “Make sure the security is balanced properly if you get my underlining.” The griffon glared at the minotaur before suddenly turning around and taking flight. Rainbow didn't get what he meant, but she knew she should be worried about it. Shaking her head, she trotted over to Pinkie and Winter Sun only for the minotaur to look right at her.

“Where’d that armored featherhead go off to?” he asked with a snort.

“I don’t know,” Rainbow said with a shrug. “Someplace he called ‘the Groundhog Labyrinth’.” The minotaur groaned.

“That's their dumb code name for the dig site. They’ve been making every excuse to stay near it while having us go out on patrols. Like they think we’re dumb enough to not see what they’re trying to do.”

“What are they trying to do?” The minotaur looked at Pinkie and lifted her off his arm to set her down on the ground.

“Be the ones in place to take control of the Orb when it’s ready to be moved. Not that we’ll let them take it easily,” the minotaur said as he stalked off in the direction the griffon had flown. The three mares watched him walk off in silence.

“I get the feeling we only delayed the fight,” Pinkie stated with a slight frown on her face.

“I still don’t see why we stopped the fight in the first place. They’re both from the groups that ruined my family’s farm,” Winter Sun snarled.

“I’m really glad you managed to stop them. We’re not ready for the bandit civil war yet,” Moon Dancer said as she joined them. Winter Sun and Rainbow both started in surprise whereas Pinkie just continued to pronk in place. “You must be Rainbow and Pinkie. Twilight said you had a package for me?”

“You’re Moon Dancer?”

“I am.”

“Then yep, we do have a package for you! It’s nice to meet you!” Pinkie greeted, suddenly hugging Moon Dancer, causing her to freeze.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Moon Dancer said as she pried Pinkie off herself. “I need to study the spell Twilight sent me. I’m afraid I don’t have much time left before I have to use it.” With that, Moon Dancer turned and started to lead the others to a nearby inn.

* * *

The leaders of the two bandit groups sat across from each other, impotently glaring in silence. Neither wanting to admit to their share of the blame for the position they’d found themselves in, nor did they want to blame the other knowing that would only make the situation harder.

“Blaming anyone wouldn’t really solve anything,” the minotaur leader finally admitted with a sigh, “but it would make me feel better.”

“We can always blame our cloaked leader,” the griffon offered with a shrug.

“Do you really believe that’s true?”

“I believe he played more of a part than we thought, but...” The Tallon leader banged a balled up claw onto the table. “He doesn’t shoulder all of the blame, nor does that mare leading the civilian side of the dig.” He sighed, stopping short of naming himself or his counterpart as being at fault.

“Agreed,” the minotaur leader said with a nod. “The question is, how do we stop this rift from deepening further?”

“No more shared patrol or security zones. You do half and we do the other half. The dig site will have to continue as a shared duty, but we station ourselves there and run herd on our personnel there,” the griffon commander decided.

“Sounds reasonable enough. I think there’s a map here we can look at and decide,” the minotaur leader said, getting up to amble over to a barrel of maps they’d gathered. “The sooner we can separate patrols, the sooner everyone calms down.”

“We can separate our people, but until we agree on an answer to the big question, we could split the world in half and still have friction between our units,” the Tallon leader said, prompting the Bowgunner’s leader to freeze before walking silently back to the table. The guards in the room tensed as the chill in the room separate from the temperature outside settled in again as the two leaders stared at each other in the cold silence.

“Fine.” The Bowgunner leader turned, dropping a map of the Crystal Empire onto the table. “How ‘bout we address the hippogriff in the room? This whole ‘split the world’ malarky you’ve been going on about since day one.”

“It’s hardly ‘malarky’,” the griffon growled. “The Orb represents something.”

“Yeah. It represents a great bloody stick to bash ponies with until their bits fall out of their pockets.”

The Tallon leader scoffed. “Just like bandits to think only in terms of money and violence. The Orb represents legitimacy. It represents the birth of a new-”

“Blah, blah, blah. You wanna go legit? Be a real bunch of mercs instead of some griffon thugs in fancy outfits? Go back to Griffonstone and sign some papers. See if your king’ll put you on the payroll. If you’re lucky, there’ll be some sea raiders you can fight for some quick cash.”

Feathered mane bristling, the Tallon leader’s claws dug into the table. “My soldiers are wanted griffons here in Equestria. We’d never be able to operate here legitimately if we left with our tail-feathers between our legs!”

“Ya ain’t working here ‘legitimately’ unless somepony hired you to start a war while I wasn’t looking. Did you turn into poor, lost circus performers while my boys were roughing up some grub?”

“Any food you could rough up is barely even fit to eat,” the griffon leader groused, jerking his head towards a fireplace while looking at the griffon guard. “Damn this cold.” He looked back at the Bowgunner’s leader. “With the legitimacy of the Orb, we could get out of these frozen wastes.”

“There’s something we can agree on. We can stop sulking about in the cold fringes of society where we’re kept too weak to be worth finishing. Stuck fighting over scraps.” The minotaur watched the griffon guard throw an additional log or two on the fire. “With the Orb’s ‘legitimacy’, we could move back to warmer lands and richer towns.”

“And what would you even spend your new found wealth on?” the griffon shot back. “They wouldn’t run their shops, they’d just run for their lives. Or shutter the buildings and leave a pile of gold in the middle of the town.

“So we’d force them to open their businesses! We’d have the power to do that!” the minotaur replied confidently.

“Hah! If you went to Lunabucks, they’d spit in your latte! I know I would,” the griffon muttered.

“And how would yours be any better? Your legitimacy might free you from the law, but you’d still be treated as the bandits you’ve always been seen as.”
“It would be a step, and we’d be able to do things to change our public image.”

“You can shine rust all you want, but it’s still rust. Even after every member pardoned is long dead, your precious Tallon Company would still be remembered as ‘the bandits who bought legitimacy and traded their freedom away’!” the minotaur shot back.

“We’d have freedom to spend our money!” The Tallon leader leaned across the table, glaring daggers at the minotaur. “You want to use the Orb? Let me explain to you what would happen in terms you can understand with those horns squeezing your brain.” The minotaur bristled, but the griffon cut him off. “Yes, you can get ponies to run by waving the Orb around. For a while, that is. Eventually, those featherbrained princesses will get sick of all the trouble you cause, and you’ll end up a statue in their garden. And the moment you actually use the Orb? You’ll be lucky if they banish you to the moon.”

The Bowgunner’s leader grit his teeth with a sound like scraping iron. “Then we use the Orb on the princesses and-”

“HAH!” The bark of laughter reverberated through the cold room. “Use the Orb on the princesses?! Haven’t you heard what’s happening in Equestria right now? They don’t even have their princesses in the capital, and they’re already fighting hoof-to-hoof with an invading force! Their precious sister princesses were attacked by an overwhelming force, driven into hiding, and now the ponies are fighting even harder! Without the princesses, you wouldn’t be a defeated villain!” The griffon leaned in closer, now within arms’ reach of the minotaur. “You’d be a Wonderbolt’s new leather jacket!”

“How dare you! My grandfather was turned into a leather jacket!” the minotaur shouted back, smashing his fists into the table.

“My apologies,” the griffon replied sincerely.

The minotaur snorted. “Thanks.”

“I wasn’t apologizing to you! I was apologizing to whoever ended up with your grandfather as a jacket. I'm sure it was the worst they’d ever had!” The griffon laughed as the minotaur rocketed upright, throwing the chair backwards and reached for a weapon that wasn’t there, causing the guards to tense. The griffon had also noticed this movement and used his wings to leap over the back of his chair and into a fight stance. Before either could make another move, the doors to the room banged open as a heavily armored griffon and a female minotaur rushed in.

“A fight broke out between our groups!” the female minotaur grunted, slightly out of breath from having run as fast as the accompanying griffon could fly.

“She's right! And if we don’t do something now, it’s going to be the spark to ignite this whole powder keg we’re sitting on!” the armored griffon said. He blinked, having finally looked at the leaders. “Looks like there’s more than just one spark.”

“Can it, featherhead,” the female minotaur snapped. “He is right, boss. If we don’t stop this now, it’s going to spread.”

The two leaders looked at each other. “It’s too late to order them to stand down,” the minotaur noted.

“Even mine wouldn’t at this point. They wouldn’t act out right, but the number of disagreements would rise considerably. Of that I’m sure,” the griffon leader stated.

“They might if we had a good reason to,” the Bowgunner’s leader growled coldly. “But we’d both have to be stating the same reason.”

“It would have to be about the Orb. That's the source of friction.”

But we don’t share the same idea for the Orb, they both thought darkly, staring at each other silently. They stayed quiet for several minutes, clearly working things out in their heads, but the silence caused their respective second-in-commands to fidget. They knew that the longer their leaders waited, the worse the situation outside would get.

“There is really only one way this is going to play out now,” The bowgunner’s leader stated calmly.

“Agreed,” the Tallon Company leader said. Before either of the second-in-commands could ask, the Bowgunner’s leader suddenly kicked the table into the air and smashed it, sending the pieces flying towards the Tallon Company leader. The Griffon leader leapt over the shattered remains of the table and dove at the minotaur, claws stretched out.

* * *

Moon Dancer sat at the table, rereading the last lines of the spell for what felt like the five hundred and eighty ninth time. Probably because it was, she thought sardonically.

It’s not that she didn’t understand the spell. She knew the spell in its several obvious components. She was able to identify the spell as having been made up of three smaller spells, and several component spells. It was a complex spell in how things fit together, and obviously made in a rush; and crudely too, considering the nature of the component spells.

But as a whole... that's where she was confused. She could identify how each one was meant to work individually, but with them working together it was a bit like trying to read a book in a language you didn’t know, and with only a translation dictionary. You can get an idea, but getting the full picture takes a lot of time. Time she wasn’t sure she had, which made it all the more frustrating that she was struggling with this spell.

Well, even that isn’t true. She did get the spell and what it was supposed to do, but she had this feeling that... something didn’t add up. The spell felt incomplete, but it wasn’t. The full spell was all there on the page before her. Wasn’t it? she thought. She sighed and looked up at the room she was in, needing to not look at the spell and notes for a moment.

The others in the room had already started to leave; she felt bad not interacting with them, but she really needed to study this spell before she used it. Although, the more she understood the spell, the more hesitant she was to use it. “If I’m so concerned about using this spell,” she muttered, “then I should figure out exactly why and fix it before I have to use it.”

With a new determination burning in her eyes, she reached for scratch paper to try altering the spell and see if she could figure out her issues with it. She spent several minutes playing with the spell, each experiment helping her find why she was so skeptical. After about an hour, she could feel that she was very close.

...She’d be closer if things weren’t so noisy outside. She was about to open a window and yell for silence, when a griffon exploded through it.

Moon Dancer dove under the table to the other side and checked the griffon long enough to be sure it wasn’t attacking. The sounds outside solidified, and she looked to see a battle being fought through the broken window. She was happy to see the two bandit groups fighting each other, along with what appeared to be a rainbow afterimage, along with flashes of pink followed by deep bangs and confetti. She smiled for a moment, enjoying the moment of satisfaction as the plan all came together; she hated to admit it but Light Patch was right about it.

Her eyes widened as she realized something: this was the perfect moment for Light Patch to grab the Orb without interference. She grabbed her saddlebags and put her cold weather gear on as fast as she could. Before she left the door, she glanced back at the table full of now partially snow-covered spell notes. She quickly snagged Twilight’s notes and rushed out the door, hoping that she wouldn’t have to use the spell.

Not that she couldn’t cast it, but she had a strong feeling that she didn’t know what would happen when she did.

Chapter 35: Ponykrieg

Trixie enjoyed watching Wits End as he approached her wagon. She was finding that the stallion wore his emotions on his hooves rather than his sleeve. For example, today Wits End was practically dancing down the streets of the Thestrals’ cave, one spectral hand clutching a freshly opened and read letter. “Good news?” she asked once the colt was close enough, followed by a sip from her water flask.

“Depends on whether your name is ‘Purple Heart’,” Wits said with a grin. “Or ‘Beekler’ or ‘Baelhart’, or whatever he’s going by nowadays.” He held out the letter. “I woke up with this under my pillow. I assume the Patch Fairy left it, or perhaps a tear opened up in space and time by sheer coincidence. Take a gander. I’m gonna do a lil’ dance.”

Trixie rolled her eyes, but started scanning the letter.

To the Illustrious Rapid Penguin,

I’m sure you’re already underway with your diabolical plan to be an intense and utter pain in my backside. And Light’s too, I’m sure. I could spend a good quarter page trying to convince you to see things my way to further my own plans. But, I don’t have much time or paper to do that so here: have a thing.

Princesses Celestia and Luna are on their way to meet up with the Deerkin and the Thestrals in the ‘Lowest Dungeon at the Highest Peak’ Mountain for a summit to discuss the cessation of hostilities between the two parties. News Flash! (Several days late for the Princesses at least). It’s fake. Fake news I tell you! There’s no summit. I mean, no diplomatic summit. I’m pretty sure there’s an actual summit at the top of a mountain. The thing is, they’re gonna be there. Why? Cos I told ‘em. Sorta. And they’re gonna be unguarded. If ever there was a chance to capture the monarchs of a nation you’re attacking, I’m pretty sure this is it.

Anyways, do what you will. If you can’t keep them occupied, I’m sure I’ll think of something. Allons-y and may the best troll win and all that tosh.

Beekler Alfreeves aka Baelhart aka Purple Patches aka Purple Heart

PS. If you have a way to get this to Light, please do. I can’t track down the sneaky blighter and Philomena isn’t a messenger pigeon like Phawx was.

Folding the letter back up, Trixie waited until Wits was finished with an air guitar slide to hand it back, along with a spare flask. “What makes you think Light Patch was involved in delivering this? It asks you to send it to him.”

“Because it’s funnier if LP was the first one to find it,” Wits explained, tucking the letter into a small saddlebag. “As far as I know, that’s kinda how his powers work right now.”

“And what makes this so bad for Purple BaelHeart Patches Alfreeves?”

Wits’ grin widened. “The fact that he sent this before we started the invasion.” He gave a little cackle and clicked his hooves together. “He sent away two of the most powerful alicorns in Equestria right before we came in with a hundred of our own. The irony; it’s just…” He formed a hand with its fingertips together and gave it a chef’s kiss. “Très magnifique. I was just going to meet with our own princesses to plan what to do with this new knowledge.”

It was tough for Trixie to keep from smiling at the colt’s contagious schadenfreude. Still, she had something she had to do sooner than later. “Before you do that, can we talk for a minute? I… Trixie has something she wants to tell you.”

The stallion’s smile drooped slightly at one end, which he tried to cover by fiddling with the cap of his water flask. “What talk is this? Did I forget to take out the trash? Do you need a raise? Are you breaking up with me as my second-in-command and it’s not me it’s you and we can still be friends but you wanna see other-”

“Shut up for a minute, would you?” Trixie shot him a smirk to soften the blow. “It’s about the spell you put on me.”

Wits went stiff. “Th-the purely cosmetic one I designed to give you plausible deniability when dealing with Twilight and the others, right?” he said as casually as he could. He raised the flask mechanically to his lips, looking at a point in space off to one side.

“I broke it.”

Given the water in his mouth, Trixie had been ready for a spit-take with a Cloudburst’s Condensation Curtain spell. What she got was a dropped-jaw and a rapid turn towards her, depositing a mouthful of water down the colt’s front. “You what?” Wits squeaked, voice breaking before he’d even gotten a single word out.

Trixie stifled a giggle at the state of him. “I dispelled Guiding Sunlight.” She summoned a towel from inside her wagon and tossed it in his face. “Clean yourself up.”

Wits absentmindedly wiped his chest with the towel, eyes locked on the mare. “When?”

“A little while back. Maybe a week?”

“How?”

“You’re gonna overreact.”

“Still wanna know.”

Trixie sighed. “Twilight Sparkle’s Universal Disenchantment.”

Wits threw his forelegs in the air. “Of course it’d be one of Twilight’s-” He was interrupted by the towel, once flung into the air, now landing back on his face with a wet slap. Slowly, he pulled the towel back off. “Why?”

“You chose one of the few unicorns with experience being under mind control spells. You had to know I’d-”

“No.” Wits’ voice was quiet, but it still cut her off as if he’d shouted. “Why are you still here, then?”

Trixie frowned. “Did you think I’d abandon you?”

“Think it? I was preparing for it! Why else would I go with your plan of revealing you were under my spell to Twilight?” Wits shook his head, starting to pace back and forth in front of her. “Twilight knows I have that spell. If she saw you were under a spell and you broke out of it, she’d take you back under her hoof-slash-wing without so much as a 10-bit fine.”

“Why do you think I’d leave?”

“Why would you stay?”

“Wits-”

“Because everyone’s moved on from me!” Wits stopped short, as if catching himself on the edge of another outburst. When he continued, he spoke through clenched teeth. “Because two of my friends are trying to take the world apart piece by piece, and the other six have lumped me in with them because I had the training wheels torn off my brain bike. They pushed me away, and I pushed right back.” He finally met her eyes. “With a track record like that, what possible reason could you have for sticking around without a spell?”

Trixie was silent for a moment. Then, slowly, she smiled. She patted Wits End on the cheek. “We’re on the same crew, remember? Trixie will let the princesses know you’re coming.” With that, she turned away.

Wits blinked, watching the unicorn mare walk towards the Alicorn pavilion. “Wait, so you’re staying?”

“I just said you’re on Trixie’s crew,” Trixie called over her shoulder. “Why are we still talking about this?”

Wits watched as she ducked through the large tent flap and out of sight. “I thought it was my crew,” he muttered, wiping the last of the water off his chest. With a smirk, he regained some of his previous swagger and headed for the pavilion. “Time for a crew meeting.”

* * *

Six ponies were gathered around the table: two alicorns, two unicorns, and two thestrals. The map on the table wasn’t nearly as detailed as the one in Twilight’s castle, but it gave an accurate enough depiction of Equestria’s terrain. Various small flags were placed around the map, either the circling princesses of Equestria’s or the solar eclipse of the Second Alicorn Diarchy’s. The majority of the Diarchy’s flags sat in the Undiscovered East, representing the alicorns still coming through Wits End’s portal.

Mousetail slid one last Equestrian flag onto the map, directly on top of Canterlot. “And that’s the last of the Royal Guard divisions we’ve found,” she said, puffing her chest fur out with pride.

“Based on the Guards’ records we’ve stolen,” Leafnose said with his low, grumbling voice, “this accounts for roughly all of Equestria’s military might.” He glanced at the map with a sneer. “Certainly seems to be more of our flags there than theirs.”

“Unless the foe hath forces unbeknownst to us,” Penumbra mused. “Is such a thing possible?”

Wits nodded. “Almost certainly. Twilight mentioned something called the Paladins back when we were in the High School Never Ends dimension, and that this world’s version of Just Duty was a part of it. We should keep an eye and ear out for any hints as to where they’re based.”

“This world’s version…” Sol Eater frowned as she processed the words, rolling her tongue in her mouth as is they left an odd taste. “Does everypony in our world have an equivalent in this mirror version?”

“Maybe not everypony,” Wits explained, “but effectively, we should assume that anypony who could be a problem for us will be one.”

Sol Eater’s frown deepened. “That is most irksome.”

“Welcome to my last few years.” Wits turned to the two Thestrals. “Anything else?”

Leafnose hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “No.”

Mousetail elbowed him in the side. “Tell him, won’t ya?”

“Tell us what?” Trixie asked.

With a sigh, Leafnose shook his head. “It’s probably nothing. The Guards’ reports have everything accounted for, but some of the other requisition reports have some unaccounted for supplies. Food, clothes, things like that.”

“Where are they going?” Wits asked.

“Dunno. Canterlot’s government pays for them, but there’s no record of where they go after that.”

The two alicorn’s shared a glance. “That sounds like a secret army to me,” Sol Eater purred. “Could this be the Paladins you spoke of?”

“Could be.” Wits shrugged. “Or it could be another secret organization. Maybe Celestia’s funding the Secure Containment Ponies Foundation down in Tartarus.” He shrugged. “Whatever it is, I doubt they’ll be a match for an army of alicorns, right?”

“The first step on the path of failure is overconfidence,” Penumbra recited. “Thou wouldst do well to keep thy expectations in check.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What, are you saying your army of alicorns isn’t up to the task?”

Penumbra narrowed her eyes at the unicorn. “Put not thy words in our mouth, small one. This is the pride of our diarchy thy speak of.”

“Easy, easy.” Wits End held out a pair of spectral hands to both mares. Trixie caught a glimpse of silvery magic dance behind Penumbra’s eyes, and the alicorn visibly relaxed. “We all want the same thing here, and we’re not doing any estimating; over, under, or otherwise. Trixie’s seen these ponies fight off big threats before, and she wants to make sure we’re ready for a fight.” Wits shot Trixie a warning look before dispelling the hands. “Right?”

Trixie nodded. “Yes. Fighting bad guys was a weekly thing for a while.”

Sol Eater snorted. “Bad guys… So simplistic.”

“So were some of the bad guys,” Trixie said with a shrug.

“How did a kingdom like this survive,” Sol Eater continued, picking up one of the Equestrian flags with her magic, “with so few soldiers? I would have expected them to be gobbled up by their neighbors. A token defensive army, and no militia?”

“Equestria’s citizens are it’s militia,” Trixie explained. “When push comes to shove, there isn’t a single pony who wouldn’t fight to protect their friends and family from a threat.”

“We should endeavor not to push or shove these small ones, then,” Penumbra said.

Sol Eater nodded. “Agreed. We should demoralize them before they can form any resistance. We shall be welcomed as the well deserved victors.”

With a grin, Wits leaned on the table. “My thoughts exactly. Which is why…” He produced a pair of flags from his bag—one cream white, the other midnight blue—and set them on the table near the border of Equestria and the Deerkin lands. “We’re going to do some demoralizing.”

Mousetail leaned in and gasped. “Are those…?”

Trixie’s eyebrows shot up as she realized Wits End’s plan. “Oh!”

The two alicorns frowned. “We feel left out,” Penumbra said with a pout.

Wits grinned. “You asked about mirror universe versions? Say hello to yours, Princesses.”

Sol Eater looked closer at the flags, then straightened. A toothy grin spread across her face. “Their own princesses.”

“Princesses Celestia and Luna,” Wits said with a similar grin. “If we capture them, it won’t matter who’s on the throne in Canterlot. The ponies of Equestria will gladly lay down their weapons to keep their precious princesses safe.”

“They would surrender their country to protect their rulers?” Penumbra asked.

Wits nodded towards Trixie. After a moment, she gave a slow nod. “To us,” she said carefully, “the princesses are Equestria. If they all agreed that we needed to move to the moon, we would do it.”

“Isn’t it the same with you two?” Wits asked. “If it kept you and the rest of the alicorns safe, your people would do anything, right?”

For once, neither of the alicorns had an immediate response. “There hath been some… division on that topic, once upon a time,” Penumbra said slowly, eyes turning downwards.

“It’s how we end up with a Last Bastion,” Sol Eater muttered, “instead of a nation.”

“That don’t sound so good,” Mousetail mused.

“The alicorns of our world hath been in such a decline,” Penumbra explained, “we must choose the needs of the many over the needs of the few.”

Sol Eater grit her teeth. “We lost our land and lives by inches and instance.”

“But that’s not the case now,” Wits interrupted. He spread his hooves to map in front of them, and the assembled Second Alicorn Diarchy flags across the south and west. “Now the majority want to take land, not lose it. My good mares and gentlecolts-” He paused, looking at Leafnose; the only other stallion in the room. “Well, mares and gentlecolt. Today we have an alliance of ponies set aside by the world they belong in. The Alicorns,” he gestured to the two princesses, “driven nearly to extinction by a world that abandoned them. The Thestrals,” he turned to Mousetail and Leafnose, “forced into hiding by a nation that fears them. And the ponies,” he nodded to Trixie, “who are ready for a change in the status quo.” He leaned on the table with a grin. “I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t win.”

After a moment, Sol Eater grinned. “My little princess has grown up into quite the leader, I see.”

“I had good teachers,” Wits said offhandedly, “and good motivators. Now, our victory starts with capturing Celestia and Luna.” He turned to Sol Eater and Penumbra. “Assuming they’re as powerful as you are, how many squads of alicorns will you need?”

“One each should do it,” Sol Eater said.

“Wisest to have two each,” Penumbra corrected. “Tis this world’s own alicorns, after all, and as mighty as we are...”

Sol Eater scoffed. “No-pony is as powerful as we are.”

Wits cleared his throat pointedly, but was saved from responding by Penumbra. “The Strategos hath said they art our equals,” she said. “We wouldst do well to treat them as such.”

With a sigh and a roll of the eyes, Sol Eater nodded. “Fine. Two squads each, to be safe. What will you be doing, then?”

“Giving the locals a taste of what to expect.” Wits grinned. He tapped the map on east coast of Equestria. “Baltimare has a contingent of Royal Guards, and enough ponies to spread the word across the entire nation. We take that, and let them spread fear across Equestria. At least, to start.”

Mousetail raised an eyebrow. “To start?”

“Give them a week to get the populous panicked,” Wits said, almost thoughtfully. “Then we let another set of ponies out to let the rest know what it’s really like in Baltimare.”

“And what will it be like?” Trixie asked.

“Better than it is in war-time Equestria. Cuisine and entertainment never before seen by Equestrians, and in ample supply to boot.” He paused. “The alicorns can cook, right?”

Sol Eater scoffed again. “Our culture has been around for a thousand years. You think we wouldn’t be able to make something that tastes good?”

Wits shrugged. “I dunno. The last big empire from my world conquered the world to find exotic spices and flavors, and decided they didn’t like any of them.” He shook his head. “In any case, I’ll be leading that attack to make sure we get the right mix of surprise and terror. Mousetail,” he turned to the surprised bat-pony, “I’d like you and a dozen other Thestrals to infiltrate the towns and villages around Baltimare to spread rumors about the invasion. Get the populous good and spooked so at when the refugees start coming in, they’ll be ready to run straight to Canterlot.”

“What about me?” Trixie asked. “Am I coming with you?”

“Not this time.” Wits leaned in, holding up a hoof to forestall any argument. “I have a special mission for you. We’ll discuss after the meeting.”

“And when will that be?” Leafnose said flatly.

“Right about now.” Wits clapped a pair of spectral hands together. “Alright team! The journey of a thousand hoofsteps starts with a single step. Let’s get this conquest started!”

As ponies started dispersing, Trixie moved to trot next to Wits out of the pavilion. “You didn’t even need to use any spells for that,” she said softly. “It’s more impressive to watch now that I’m not enchanted.”

“It’s ‘cause you’re not enchanted that I didn’t want to rely on Guiding Sunlight in there,” Wits muttered back. “If you can break the enchantment, then an alicorn would definitely be able to. I need to make sure they’ll stay loyal even without the magic.”

Trixie gave him a coy smile. “Like me? Or because those princesses look at your flank like a teenager looks at a hayburger?”

Wits stumbled. “I plead the fifth,” he mumbled, turning away to hide his reddening face.

“And what if they get angry that you enchanted them in the first place?” Trixie asked.

“For Sol Eater? It’s not exactly the first time I’ve done it. She might just be happy I didn’t get her to banish herself again, or she might decide I’d look better pinned to a wall. Penumbra, though…” Wits shook his head. “I’d rather not take any chances with either of them.”

Trixie shrugged. “Fair enough. So, what’s this secret mission of yours?”

Wits grinned over his shoulder at her. “I need to send a certain archeologist proof that the portal works. Do you think today’s newspaper would do?”

* * *

Ponlan Jinx wasn’t sure when she’d started running. She was fairly certain she’d been going for quite a while now, based on how her legs were straining to keep moving forward, and how her breath was coming in ragged gasps.

The day had started off so nicely, too: birds singing, flowers blooming, and so on. Jinx and her fellow Royal Guardspony recruits had planned on patrolling—sometimes called sightseeing—for most of the afternoon. Their train had arrived in Baltimare late last night, after a long detour around the Diarchy-held towns.

Now that she thought about it, the fact that they had to go around the towns held by those strange alicorns was probably some sort of foreshadowing.

The Diarchy had struck at noon. A three-pronged attack on the city: one flying low over Horseshoe Bay, one screaming in at high speed from the mountains, and the last marching in right along the same train tracks that had brought Jinx to this wonderful, Celestia-forsaken town. The Royal Guard had been taken completely by surprise, barely scraping together a defence by abandoning the outer edge of the city. It hadn’t taken long for the flags of the Second Alicorn Diarchy to be raised atop landmarks across Baltimare; the solar eclipse of their flag staring like eyes at the Guard’s first and last stand.

Jinx rounded a corner, skidding and taking out a trash can in the process. She had never been good at running. In fact, she’d gotten through most of PE by inertia: not so much ‘continuing to run’ until she reached a goal as ‘failing to stop’.

The Guardsponies’ last stand hadn’t taken long to fall. They hadn’t even taken any casualties. The number of wounded was incredibly low compared to the damage they knew the alicorns could level on them. The Guard’s crossbow bolts had been stopped in their flight by a rank of alicorns using shield magic, dropping it just long enough for a cadre of those in the back to fire a magical blast. One shot had destroyed the Guard’s cover. A second insured that none of them would be retreating back into the city hall.

Of course, they probably hadn’t considered one of the Guardsponies breaking rank and taking off down a side street.

She finished her next turn and bolted down the empty street. Jinx could see the train station now. The alicorns had long since pushed past this part of town. If she was lucky, she could grab a pump trolley and get out of the city. The mare wanted to believe she was running to deliver the news back to Canterlot. If she was lucky, that’s what her superiors would believe too.

Something grabbed onto the scruff of her neck. Jinx was lifted bodily off the ground, hooves scrambling for purchase on a road they couldn’t reach anymore. Eyes wide, she twisted her head just enough to see an armored alicorn holding her with her magic, wings flared behind her. In blind panic, Jinx swung at her captor’s face with her spear.

The shaft of her weapon shattered against the armor of a second alicorn’s hoof; the metal tip sliding away into the street. “Please remain still,” the alicorn holding her intoned. “Your safety will depend on it.”

Jinx immediately went limp, like a cat being held in its mother’s jaws. This is it, she thought. A Cutie Mark in serving the Princesses, and I’m done in by a bunch of princesses from Celestia-knows-where.

A loud clap sounded from behind her. “Full marks for the capture, Iron Maiden!” a stallion’s voice said. “And you, Titanus, with the assist! A-plus!” The speaker stopped just outside of Jinx’s field of view, and tsk’d. “Look at the poor girl. You’ve got her terrified!”

“Should I put her down?” the alicorn holding her, Iron Maiden, asked.

“Mmm, in a bit.” The stallion paused as there was a scuffle behind them. “Oh, Thunderer and Silver Charge! Two ponies in one day?” Jinx saw a pair of armored alicorns out of the corner of her eye, carrying a stunned Baltimare civilian in their magic between them. “You spoil me! Turn them this way. I don’t feel like walking in front of them.” Jinx was turned, surprisingly gently, towards the stallion. Wits End was grinning at her. “See, I just knew if I hung out around the train station, I’d catch somepony making a run for it.”

Jinx did her best to look intimidating while suspended in the air. “I-I’m not a coward,” she said through clenched teeth.

Wits looked shocked. “Of course not! Why, you’re a hero in the making! In fact, I’m going to help you become a national star!” He leaned in, still grinning. “You were at the city hall, weren’t you? You saw how that fight went?” He didn’t wait for her to answer, waving his hoof dismissively as he settled back again. “I mean, of course you did. That’s where all of the Guardsponies were.”

“What do you want?” The words tumbled out of Jinx’s mouth before she was even aware she was saying them.

Wits End stopped, as if just as surprised by the question as she was. “Well, really, I guess the answer is ‘exactly what you were going to do already’. I want you to run as faaaaaast as you can back to Canterlot, and deliver a message. Not to your superior officer or to the senate, mind you. No no no, I want you to deliver this message straight to the regent. Beekler, or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays.” Wits stepped forward, looking straight into Jinx’s eyes. “You know who I’m talking about, right? It’s so hard to keep track of all of his names.”

Jinx swallowed hard and nodded. “Wh-what’s the message?”

“Ah, excellent question. The both of you can take this message straight to the regent. Tell him I’m ready to accept his complete and unconditional surrender at his earliest convenience, and that we should be ready to turn our attention to the north before Light Patch finds whatever he’s looking for.” He paused. “Oh,” he continued, almost as an afterthought, “and tell him that if he doesn’t surrender, I’ll pound him into a fine purple paste. Can you remember all that, or should I write it down?”

“I’ve got it,” Jinx squeaked. The civilian, staring in stunned silence, nodded rapidly.

“Awesome!” Wits waved a hoof, and the alicorns set both ponies back on the ground. “Now, off you go! It’s quite a trip back to Canterlot, and I’d hate to keep you busy.” He gestured flippantly towards the train station. “Go on! Don’t let me keep you.”

Wits watched as the Guardspony and civilian bolted towards the station. Without turning his head, he spoke. “Iron Maiden?”

Iron Maiden straightened, flipping her undercut mane back into place. “Yes, strategos?”

“Tell me.” Wits picked up the broken head of the guard’s spear, turning it over in his hoof. “How many ponies does it take to deliver a message?”

Iron Maiden was silent for a moment. Then, she nodded once. “One.”

“Hmm.” After a moment, Wits tossed the spear head away and strode past the alicorns. “Leave the Guardspony, bring the noncombatant back to the city hall.”

“Uh, strategos?” One of the other alicorns, Thunderer, tilted his head, his voice a low rumble. “Bring them… alive?”

Wits turned his head back towards them. “Of course. I’m a conqueror, not a monster.” he started walking away again, and waved a forehoof casually. “Make their capture flashy. I want to make sure our messenger is good and terrified. They’ll run faster that way. Iron, with me if you please.”

Chapter 36: Muzzle-Hoof Turn

At the edge of Ghastly Gorge, the roughly defined streets of the Second Alicorn Diarchy encampment sat in darkness. Although the army hadn’t been there more than a few days, hundreds of alicorns marching, trotting, and patrolling through the camp had warranted the addition of wooden slats to prevent the dirt from turning to muck under their hoofsteps. Tents lined each thoroughfare, with simple signage denoting the purpose.

A shadowy figure snuck through the streets, their short legs barely carrying them from one wooden plank to the next without hitting the mud. They avoided tents with lights still on, keeping to the shadows with their cloak pulled up against the gusts that rose out of the gorge. Despite the chill and the wind, the figure made a bee-line for the lip of the valley. The wind was stronger at edge, sending their cloak whipping about them.

The hood blew back from Wits End’s face, which was pulled into an uncharacteristic scowl. He reached into the folds of his cloak, retrieving a single piece of paper: his notes from that day’s after action reports. His lips flipped between smirk and scowl as he looked at the bullet points he’d written. By and large, he thought, the campaign’s going well. We’ve split Equestria from Los Pegasus to Baltimare. We’ve pushed the south as far as the Macintosh Hills. We’ve made it as far north as Vanhoover in the west, opening a channel to the Crystal Empire if it comes to it. From Equestria’s side, it must look like we’re blitzing through their land. Next we’d take Cloudsdale, cut off supplies to Canterlot and Ponyville, and let them get good and hungry before seizing the capital. Instead, we’ll have a nice defeat, followed by a siege on Canterlot to oust Purple Heart, and a one-on-one curb-stomp from Twilight to top off our slow, guided descent into surrender. Operation Fail Better should be off to a great start.

“It should be,” he muttered, focusing on a set of circled notes, “and yet…” Wits sighed, shoving the page back into his cloak. “And yet some ponies continue to defy me. Or worse, disappoint me. It really makes me wonder if those other villains were right. Maybe absorbing all of the power and using it with impunity is the way to go. I mean, if Tirek got super powerful with the magic of four alicorns, imagine what could be done with a few hundred of them…”

Wits froze. “If I turn around, there’s gonna be somepony standing right behind me, isn’t there.”

“Sometimes your self-awareness is astounding.” Wits turned to find Sol Eater standing a few paces to his right. She smirked down at him. “But perhaps you should work on your spatial awareness as well, my little princess.”

“Shouldn’t you be asleep right now?” Wits asked. “What with being a princess of the sun and all?”

“I had plenty of time to sleep in the last few years since you left our world.” Sol Eater gave him a wink. “And a thousand years before that while banished from my sister’s sight. You won’t be rid of me that easily, little princess.”

After a moment, Wits shrugged. “You’re hardly the worst pony I could have overhearing my villainous dialogue. What happens now? Are you gonna banish me to the sun?”

Sol Eater’s laugh was like the sound a frozen lake makes when stepped on: beautiful as long as you’re not too close to the deepest part. “Hardly. I’m more than a little proud of you, little princess. You’ve grown into the kind of foe I wish I had been for you and your little friends. A force to be reckoned with, willing to do anything to achieve your goals for those closest to you.”

“‘Anything’ is pushing it a bit,” Wits muttered. “I’m a professional villain, and professionals have standards.” He paused, then smirked. “I have a very clear goal I’m trying to accomplish, and it involves Equestria still having greenery like this at the end.” He sighed, staring out at the other side of the gorge, as if he could spot Ponyville and Canterlot beyond it. “I will say, I have a newfound respect for Field Marshal Tamares now. This is hard, and I’m not even dealing with an angry god.”

“Were it so easy that anypony could do it, they surely would.” Penumbra seemed to rise from the shadows to Wits End’s left. “Thus, it falls to great ponies to lead when leadership is needed.”

Wits wasn’t sure how he managed to leap into the air without ever bending his knees, but he was certainly glad that the wind took him away from the cliff instead of towards it. “I didn’t know you could do that,” he managed once he was able to breathe.

“We art called Penumbra for more reasons than simply the color of our mane,” Penumbra chuckled. “And for the record, we hath been observing you since thy attempt at stealth from our encampment.”

Darn princesses won’t even let me brood properly, Wits thought. “Well, welcome to the Ledge of a Thousand Monologues. I’m sure if Purple Heart were here he could give you some classics, but all I’ve got is the ‘What is a Mare’ speech and the entirety of The Jabberwocky.”

“Wouldst thou give us the ‘I Love War’ speech once more?”

“I never repeat a joke. Unless it’s a really good-slash-bad one, in which case I drive it into the ground.”

Sol Eater laughed again. “I have missed this otherworldly sense of humor of yours, my little princess.”

“I haven’t been a princess for a long time,” Wits muttered. He took a deep breath, then turned and took a few steps away from the edge. “We need to talk,” he said, turning back to face both alicorns. “Now seems as good a time as any.”

Penumbra frowned. “Why doth we feel concern when we hear thee sayth that…”

Wits reached into his cloak and retrieved his list of notes. “This,” he said, “is a summary of the after action reports from each of our commanders.” He tapped the page with the back of one spectral hand. “Dragon Slayer in Baltimare. Mighty Hoof in Los Pegasus. Whirlwind in Vanhoover. All of them.” He tapped the page again. “Summarized right here.”

Sol Eater gave an appreciative look at the single page. “Every commander’s report on one piece of paper? Quite impressive.”

“I had a job where I was doing a lot of summaries like this.” Wits paused. “Well, it wasn’t supposed to be my job, but that’s not the point. The point is that we’ve been making great advancements except,” a pair of tiny magic hands pointed at the two points circled on the page, “for these two. Eternity’s Will, and Flash Dancer.” He saw as both princesses stiffened at the last name. “Which would you two prefer to start with?”

Penumbra glanced at her sister, but Sol Eater was glaring at a point somewhere away from the both of them. With a rare moment of hesitation, Penumbra turned back to Wits. “‘Twas not Flash Dancer’s failure,” she said slowly, “but our own.”

“Was it?” Wits’ question held an edge so hard that even the princesses flinched. “Do you mean to say that two of the most powerful beings in two worlds, backed by two dozen alicorns, were unable to capture two alicorns on their own? That, when outnumbered thirteen to one, Princesses Celestia and Luna somehow just… got away?” He turned his attention from one princess to the other. “Sol Eater? Anything you would like to say?”

Still refusing to meet his eye, Sol Eater gave an almost dragon-like growl. “They were… trickier than expected.”

“Trickier?” Wits gave an unnecessary glance at his notes. “Do you mean to say that they somehow tricked you into leaving your guards behind? That they conned you into facing both of them in single combat, while leaving your sister to try and coordinate two-dozen alicorns on her own?” Wits took a step forward, somehow managing to look as if he were looking down at the alicorn, despite standing several heads shorter. “Is that what you’re saying, Sol Eater? Because that’s what Flash Dancer’s report says happened.”

Sol Eater grit her teeth. “I shall have to have a talk with Flash Dancer,” she spat.

“Don’t bother. It’s hardly his fault I have the truth.” Wits turned his back on Sol Eater, walking back to his previous position. “But loyalty has its limits, and they end where I say they do.” His horn glinted silver for a moment as he shot a look back at Sol Eater. “I realize that you’re a princess, but when you strategos tells you to take care,” his voice lowered to a hiss, “it would be nice to be heard.”

Penumbra had just opened her mouth to come to her sister’s defence when Wits turned on her as well. “Two dozen alicorns,” he said flatly. “Two dozen against two. Sol Eater is to blame for sticking her neck out, but who’s to blame for the failure to capture them with superior numbers? Who was commanding the two dozen alicorns who stood back as Sol Eater fought, Penumbra?”

The younger of the princesses took a deep breath, keeping her eyes on Wits’. “We were waiting for an opportunity-”

“And opportunity?!” Wits spat. “From what I read, no alicorns moved to help until the princesses were already on the run again! Was that the blessed opportunity you were looking for, Penumbra? When the enemy was successfully retreating?”

Penumbra drew herself up. “No opportunity ever presented itself,” she said plainly. “Had one done so, we would have-”

“You should have made the opportunity yourself,” Wits hissed. “I sent two princesses for a reason, and that was to capture two princesses. If all of you had been defeated in battle or failed to catch them together, I could understand. But failing to act?” The unicorn looked down his nose at the alicorn. “Is this why the alicorns in your world had such a decline in power? Because their leadership froze in the face of trouble?”

In an instant, Penumbra’s composure broke. “I did not freeze!” she snapped. “I did not want to risk harming my sister!”

“Then perhaps you should have-” Wits End cut himself off. His eyes grew wide as he looked at the glitter of tears against her dark fur. Slowly, he turned towards the sullen form of Sol Eater, then back.

What am I doing?, he thought. I’m trying to lose, aren’t I?

“I… damn.” He turned away, stomping a hoof against the packed earth. “That was uncalled for on my part and… not what I wanted to say at all.. That… all of it. I should have prepared you better for facing them and… Damn it, I’m sorry.”

Penumbra sniffed, turning away as she wiped her eyes on the back of a forehoof. Both she and Wits jumped as Sol Eater’s wings gently brushed their backs. “This is more than any of us have had to deal with for quite some time,” she said, her voice softer than Wits thought it could be. “Certainly for our strategos, who lacks centuries of experience in the manners of ruling.”

“The way of kings, huh?” Wits muttered. “Wish I’d finished that book before getting sucked into the space between dimensions.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly through his nose. “Seriously, I’m sorry. I… don’t know what came over me there.”

Penumbra nodded. “We art sorry as well,” she said, her voice rough from her unexpected cry. “Perhaps… we did hesitate longer than ‘twas wise.”

Wits shook his head. “It’s in the past. If nothing else, at least Celestia and Luna went into hiding instead of going back to Canterlot. I’ll send orders to Flash Dancer in the morning to keep on their trail and make sure they don’t poke their heads up until after we take the capital.” I need to lose to Twilight, not to the other princesses. He smirked at the younger sister. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep you on our side of the frontlines until you’re ready. Alright.”

“... very well.” Penumbra sniffed.

After a moment, Wits chuckled. “Maybe I’m not the only ‘little princess’ here,” he said.

“And why is that?” Sol Eater asked.

Wits nodded his head towards Penumbra. “‘Cause she’s a little hoarse.”

A few seconds of silence passed. “We do not understand,” Penumbra said flatly.

“Neither do I,” Sol Eater chuckled.

Wits pouted. “Tough crowd here on the ledge…”

Sol Eater returned her wings to her sides. “Now,” she said, “unless I am mistaken, there was a matter with Eternity’s Will you wanted to discuss as well?”

After straightening his back, Wits sighed. “It’s a… minor issue, I’m sure. Our forces moving south have been stalled at the Rock Farm run by Pinkie Pie’s family. I wanted to see if you two knew any reason why that would be.”

Penumbra raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie Pie… The mare who accompanied thou to the bastion?” She saw Wits’ nod, and frowned. “Perhaps… they art all like she was?”

“Hardly,” Wits scoffed. “As far as I know, Pinkie got all of the crazy in that family.” He looked up at Sol Eater. “Can you go check on that front? I know I’ll sleep easier knowing Equestria’s supply of artisanal rocks has been cut off.”

Sol Eater hesitated, then nodded. “If it would ease your sleep, my little princess. But… who will lead the attack tomorrow.”

“I’ll handle it,” Wits said with carefully rehearsed off-handedness. “It’s leading from the rear, so I shouldn’t need a cloudswalk spell or anything.”

“...Very well. Do take care, then.”

“Awesome.” Wits yawned wide. “Speaking of sleep, I think I’ve spent enough time on the Ledge of Emotional Dialogue. I’m going back to my tent for some shut-eye. Night, princesses.” With that, Wits End made his way back towards the encampment.

The two princesses watched the retreating back of the colt. “Hmm.” Sol Eater had an unreadable expression on her face.

“Thou seemest distracted, sister,” Penumbra said. “And for once, not by our strategos’ posterior.”

A smile pulled at the corner of Sol Eater’s mouth. “No… Although it is a welcome distraction.” The smile failed to find purchase, and slid into a frown. “He has… changed.”

“It hath been many years since last we saw him,” Penumbra mused. “The small ones doth change quicker than we.”

“It’s not that.” Sol Eater’s frown deepened. “His outburst… The pony I fought, and the pony who helped in our reconciliation, would never attack an ally so… personally. When I forced him to fight his friends, I could feel him fighting it the entire time. This time…”

“‘Twas as if he enjoyed it?” Penumbra finished. “Mayhaps thou hast a point, sister… But, thou art given a remedial task, and we art placed on the ‘bench’ like a foal playing at being a squire. Would we act against the judgement of our own strategos?”

“Against his judgement…” Sol Eater let the thought roll around for a minute. “Why do we need a strategos to conquer this world?”

Penumbra hesitated. “We… We have no reason to not to have a strategos in this endeavor, sister.”

“I suppose so.” After a moment, Sol Eater sighed. “And now I find myself on the cusp of irritation.”

“How so?”

Sol Eater smirked. “I became so lost in my thoughts, I missed my chance to properly appreciate my little princess’ retreat.”

* * *

Iron Maiden followed dutifully behind her Strategos, followed in turn by roughly a hundred of her fellow alicorns. A brief visit from the small pony known as Trixie was the only warning she had had of her reassignment from Baltimare;s Occupation to the Cloudsdale Offensive. It had certainly been a surprise to the (relatively) young alicorn mare, who had been looking forward to spending the rest of the campaign meeting the ponies of this world with a friendly smile and a helping hoof. Still, the front lines were still a way to see what this brave new world had to offer.

She looked down at the Strategos. It was strange to walk almost side-by-side with one of the heroes she’d heard so much about from the ponies in Roania after their battle against the Three Great Evils. But now? Now she was walking in the hoofsteps of the one spoken of most fondly by her own Princesses.

To be completely honest with herself, Iron Maiden felt a little lightheaded.

“Iron Maiden?”

The mare nearly tripped over her own hooves. “Y-yes, strategos?”

Wits glanced over his shoulder. “Walk next to me, if you please.”

Iron Maiden’s stomach gave another turn as she took a few longer steps, dropping into place next to the smaller unicorn. “Like this?”

Wits gave a nod. “Thanks. I’d hate to fall off another cliff from not paying attention where I’m walking and talking. Last time that happened, my body got hijacked by an instrument of chaos.”

“Is… that so?”

“It’s a long story. Tell me, what do you think of me?”

Iron Maiden blinked. “Strategos?”

Wits looked up at her for a moment, then turned his attention back to the road. “You’re a bunch of demigods being led by an ordinary pony. I want to know whether you’re just following me because the Princesses said so, or… you know, whatever else.”

“Isn’t it enough to know we’ll follow your orders without question?”

“In technical terms, yes. But usually when I ask questions like this, the answer I get is something I’m not expecting in the slightest.” He smirked up at Iron Maiden. “It’s a long walk to Cloudsdale, and I’m getting quite bored. So, humor me, if you will.”

“O-of course, strategos.” Iron Maiden cleared her throat. “If I might speak so boldly, you’re anything but an ‘ordinary’ pony. You’re one of the heroes of the Discord Saga. You’re… a legend.”

Wits End snorted. “Please, I said ‘humor me’, not ‘make fun of me’.”

“It’s true!” Iron Maiden’s mouth snapped shut. “My apologies, strategos. It’s just… You’re one of the Nine Trotters, the Fellowship of the Thing fighting against the tyranny of the Three Great Evils. You saved our world! So... to hear you call yourself just an ordinary pony… It does you a disservice, strategos.”

Wits blinked. “Fellowship of the what now?”

“The Fellowship of the Thing.” Iron Maiden waited expectantly, but was greeted only by a look of confusion from Wits. “It’s what the ponies of Gallopilli named you and your companions after the Battle of Roania.”

“The Battle of… You mean that last fight against the villains?”

“The Three Great Evils, yes.”

After a moment, Wits glanced back up at her. “Were you one of the alicorns I brought in via plot contrivance?”

Iron Maiden blushed, but simultaneously beamed with pride at being recognized. “Yes! I had the honor of trampling a dozen of the Tyrant Holdfast’s armored husks during the battle! It was…” She trailed off, embarrassment winning out over pride. “Well, it was the most exciting thing to happen for us alicorns in over a century.”

“And the Roanians made a legend out of it? In just a couple of years?”

“Oh yes! You’ve all been immortalized thanks to the patronage of Queen Amber Glitter. I think most every pony in Roania knows your names from the bards’ tales.” Iron Maiden nodded, recalling her own repeated experiences with the stories. “The Purple Barbarian, Sir Light Patch the Hammerer, the ‘Last Alicorn’ Twilight Sparkle, all of them. A bit odd that they called her the ‘last’ alicorn when the rest of us showed up, but I suppose they meant it chronologically rather than numerically. Personally, I always thought she was a fake alicorn. A ‘faker’, I believe the youth would call it.”

Wits blinked rapidly as he tried to process everything. “Patchy’s gonna be pissed that he’s famous,” he muttered.

“And of course!” Iron Maiden grinned openly at the unicorn. “There’s the personal favorite of our own Diarchs! The Princess’s Strategician. Thornshield Wolvenfriend. The Mimic of Gallopilli. The one known as-” she paused dramatically, “-Wits End.” Her horn glowed for a moment, and Wits was certain he heard a choir of angels for a split second.

“Buh?” Wits said intelligently.

“Of course, the Bastion’s own bards also refer to you as ‘The Littlest Princess’, but I think that’s just at the request of the Diarchs. You don’t seem any smaller than the rest of the ponies of this world to me!” Iron Maiden finished with a smile.

Gorram it, Sol Eater. It took some time for Wits to gather his thoughts. “So,” he began slowly, “to answer my question of what you all think of me-”

“You’re a legend,” Iron Maiden said. “And a favorite of our Diarchs. If nothing else, we follow you out of respect for that.” She hesitated, a blush spreading over her face again. “And, perhaps, to see if the legends are true.”

“Legends?”

“About your skill. In combat, that is.” Iron Maiden paused. “And, well… with the hearts of ponies.”

GorRAM it, Sol Eater! Wits grit his teeth, acting as if he’d become interested in a passing bush. I wanted soldiers willing to give up in the face of an unwinnable battle, not a starstruck fandom thinking I’m Aragon Skywalker, the Pony Who Lived. He forced his grimace into a smile and turned back. “Well, I don’t know about the whole ‘hearts of ponies’ thing, but I’ll do my best not to disappoint you all.”

Iron Maiden grinned. “I don’t think you could even if you tried, strategos.”

“We’ll see about that...”

* * *

Invisibility was a surprisingly simple spell in Twilight’s opinion. All you needed was to redirect light around you from the point where it would make contact with your body to the point directly opposite it on your other side. Easy enough if you combined Silent Galloping’s 37th Principal of Energetic Redirection with a healthy dose of the Element of Magic.

Okay, maybe she was in a particularly unique situation. But, the point was that staying invisible while trailing the Alicorn forces from the sky wasn’t nearly as difficult as she expected.

By her count, there were exactly one-hundred and twenty-seven alicorns making their way towards Cloudsdale, all led by one of the three thorns in her side: Wits End. If the rest of the girls were here, she thought, I’d give us good odds even with those numbers… She sighed silently. Best to teleport ahead and give Cloudsdale a warning. Maybe I can help coordinate defenses to hold these alicorns off until the Royal Guard makes it.

She frowned, squinting to focus on Wits End again. He was still talking to the lead Alicorn; by all accounts, the one who’d caught the guardsmare from Baltimare. It just seems strange, she mused, looking back down the marching alicorns. 127 alicorns against all of Cloudsdale? Against the Wonderbolts? And so close to Canterlot? Either Wits is very confident in his plan, or... She shook her head. It feels like a trap of some sort. Like it or not, Wits knows his strategy and tactics. He wouldn’t lead the charge against an overwhelming foe unless he knew he could win.

Twilight gasped. Or if winning didn’t matter. It’s a trap! He’s trying to lead the guard away from Canterlot for some reason. An ambush?! Did I miss another Alicorn force on my way here?! She shook her head. There’s no time to check! If Wits gets to Cloudsdale, the Royal Guard will be summoned immediately! I have to stop them before they get there! But how?

After a moment, Twilight looked down at Wits End again. If you want to take out a hydra... She took a deep breath, and folded her wings flat against her body.

Typically, two objects colliding at high speed will inflict near equal amounts of kinetic force on each other, even though their thresholds for damage may be different. An egg thrown at a wall doesn’t harm the wall more than the wall harms the egg, but the egg shatters because it’s more fragile than the wall. Following the same logic, a pony throwing herself at the ground has about the same effect as an egg at a wall.

Kinetic redistribution was a surprisingly simple spell in Twilight’s opinion.

The alicorn slammed into the earth at speeds Rainbow Dash would be proud of, horn flashing with raspberry light the moment she hit the turf directly behind Wits End. The force of the impact was redirected into the air around her in the form of a blastwave. A smirk crossed her face as she heard a familiar squeaky toy-esque yelp as the unicorn was thrown into the air.

She whirled around, taking in the rest of the alicorns behind her. The front row was knocked backwards into their companions by the force of her landing. Part of her was shocked to see so many alicorns in one place after years of being one of four in all of existence. The rest of her followed the plan she’d devised during her plummet. With her invisibility broken by her kinetic impact, she moved to phase two of her plan.

Calling her own internal store of magical energy, Twilight summoned a rainbow of colors from her horn, weaving them into a sphere that separated her and her target from the rest of the Alicorn forces. These colors were mixed at first, but soon coalesced into seven distinct layers. With a final touch of magic, she made the swirling colors pulse once, sending out a blinding flash as they became tangible.

Behind her, Wits End landed gracelessly in a heap. One spectral hand appeared, picking him up and setting him back on his hooves before vanishing again. “Did someone get the license plate of that- Who broke the sky?” He paused as he took in the sphere of colors around him, his gaze eventually landing on its source. “Oh! Twilight! I’m gonna be honest: I was not expecting to see you this early in the plan. See, I had this whole final, climactic battle planned for Canterlot and-”

“Save it,” Twilight spat. “You still owe me for the damage you did to my castle.”

“Damage you did using my body,” Wits retorted.

“You’re the one who broke the window.”

“And you’ll notice I never paid the ticket for that. Aren’t I so deliciously evil?”

“Pathetically evil, more like.”

“Ouch?” Wits gave an over-dramatic pout, then glanced up at the multi-colored sphere that surrounded them. “So, am I imagining things, or is this a prismatic wall?”

Twilight smirked. “I thought something from their world would give those alicorns plenty of pause. I had plenty of time to read the book Discord gave me. Before you stole it, that is.”

“And I put it to good use!”

“You summoned an invading army.”

“And made friends!” Wits’ smile held a sardonic edge. “Isn’t that what you wanted me to do, Twilight? Make new friends?”

“And how much magic did you have to use making those friends?” Twilight asked.

Wits End’s smile vanished. “Low blow.”

“I’d put it at right about your level.”

The two of them were cut off by a groan. Iron Maiden slowly raised to her hooves, armor clanking and shifting as she got upright. “What manner of spell was- You!” Her eyes went wide as she took in the sight of Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle… You’re the faker!”

“Faker?” Twilight looked over the armored pony, who seemed to tower over her in plate armor. “I think you’re the fake alicorn around here.”

Iron Maiden flared her wings. “I’ll make you eat those words!” The armored alicorn shot forward with surprising speed, closing nearly close enough to touch Twilight before the purple mare could react. Twilight didn’t flinch, though. Instead, she moved to the contingency part of her plan.

One flash from her horn, and Iron Maiden dropped to the ground, her momentum sending her skidding to a stop directly in front of Wits End. He knelt for a moment, confirming that the larger mare was still breathing, though not moving otherwise. “What was that?”

“A temporary, non-lethal, neurologically disruptive spell effect.” Twilight waited a beat for Wits to stand again. “The book called it Hold Pony. It’ll wear off shortly.” Her horn glowed once more, the light infusing itself into Iron Maiden’s armor. “A Shape Metal spell to fuse the joints of her armor, on the other hoof…”

“Are you gonna cast all of your spells from there? Is this some sort of ironic twist?”

“Actually, I was thinking of opening a portal back to my castle to throw some more thrones at you.” Twilight beat her wings, rising to hover in the air. “But this time, it’ll be just you and me. No interruptions from Rarity, Light Patch, or Holdfast’s pet panel.”

Wits blinked. Then, slowly, he grinned. “Wait, Holdfast is in charge of PISS?”

Twilight smiled back. “I thought you’d enjoy that.”

“Always knew he was a right PISSer.” Wits started to slowly move in a circle around the inside of the sphere, Twilight moving to keep him on the opposite side from her. “So what stops me from calling the Trixie Express and bamf-ing my way out of here?”

“I literally just said ‘no interruptions’,” Twilight said dryly. “Aside from sight and sound, everything inside this sphere is cut off from the rest of Equestria. Your army’s just gonna have to watch as I beat you senseless and take you back to Ponyville to figure out what’s going on with you.”

Wits seemed to think for a moment. Eventually, he shrugged. “Well, not exactly what I was going for, but alright then.” He summoned a pair of spectral hands, balling them into fists in front of him. “I’ll make it a good fight.”

Twilight shifted her stance, horn glowing as she prepared a spell. “Sorry to ruin your ambush plans.”

Wits blinked. “What?”

A bolt of lightning ripped through the space Wits had occupied up until a moment ago. He looked down at the scorch mark, still faintly glowing with the atmospheric discharge. “Man,” he muttered, “still getting used to spells not having vocal components.” With a short yelp, the unicorn vanished moments before a second bolt split him in two; thin trails of smoke outlining where he’d been.

Twilight tracked the smoke to where the mint-colored stallion had reappeared. “You’ve gotten the hang of short-range teleportation,” she noted dryly.

“I’ve been keeping up with those studies you recommended, yes.” One magical hand brushed a wisp of smoke away from Wits’ shoulder. “Besides, I had a very great and powerful teacher, and it’s basically like using Hunter’s Step back in the game wo-” He disappeared again as a fireball slammed into the ground, throwing flames and debris in a wave around where it had landed: directly under his hooves. “It’s even got i-frames,” he quipped, reappearing a few feet away.

“Do you know what the weakness of most teleportation spells is?” Twilight asked.

“I get the feeling that whatever I say won’t be what you’re thinking of.”

“Without intensive training,” Twilight said, horn glowing as she summoned a second fireball, “you can’t spam them. At most, you have two, maybe three uses before you have to re-”

“Surprise attack!” A spectral fist slammed into Twilight’s cheek, sending the hovering pony spinning to the ground. Wits End hopped from side to side, floating fists on either side of him throwing jabs at the air. “You gonna fight, or are you just bumpin’ gums? Ya hard-boiled turt-”

A telekinetic force knocked the wind out of the stallion, with a follow-up sending him end over end and into the barrier. Twilight stood on shaky hooves, her cheek turning a darker shade of purple than the rest of her. “That one’s from Discord’s book, by the way,” she spat, rubbing at the bruise with the back of one hoof. “Bridleby’s Forceful Hoof.”

Wits pulled himself back onto his hooves with the help of a magic hand. “Well then,” he muttered as he started walking towards the alicorn.

Twilight spread her wings, watching Wits with a wary eye. “Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of trying to come up with a trick, you’re coming right to me?”

With a smirk, Wits cracked his neck. His horn lit up as he summoned half a dozen spectral hands. “I can’t beat the applesauce out of you without getting closer.”

“Oh really?” Lilac light flowed from Twilight’s horn, forming into an equal number of translucent hooves. “Then come as close as you like.”

As if triggered by crossing an invisible threshold, both sets of magical appendages lanced towards their targets. Blows aimed at Wits by flying hooves were palmed aside, while the unicorn’s punches were deflected by a sweep of Twilight’s magic. The speed of their rushing attacks whipped the air into a malstrom, all while the two ponies kept their eyes locked on each other.

Look at him, Twilight thought, pumping more mana into maintaining six simultaneous spells. He’s buying time while he comes up with a new plan. What will it be? Break through the barrier? Teleport behind me? Whatever it is, I’ll need to finish this quickly before he can think of something… Could all of this be playing right into his original plan? What kind of chess game is this guy playing?

This is perfect, Wits mused. He could see the alicorns on the other side of the rainbow shield, watching in awe or even cheering as they watched the fight. If I lose here, it’ll demoralize the troops most loyal to me. They’ll spread that to the rest of the army, and the invasion’ll collapse in a matter of weeks, if not days. All I have to do is time this so Twilight knocks me out without taking my head off, then retreat and make a last-ditch assault on Canterlot. And I think… Carefully, the stallion let one spectral fist drop an inch.

Twilight’s eyes lit up, immediately seeing the opening. There! she thought, spellwoven hoof lancing forward even before her mind consciously acted. She did, however, take the opportunity to cast a follow-up spell as the hoof swung. She grinned, seeing Wits’ eyes go wide as the hoof burst into wicked-looking flames. Checkmate, Wits.

Wits End stared at the flaming hoof sailing straight towards his face. Ah, he had time to think. Sugar honey iced tea. He braced himself for a world of hurt.

The blow never came.

A gray shape appeared in front of him, moving at speeds that matched that of Twilight’s original descent. It intercepted several of the alicorn’s unenhanced blows with its own body, wings flared as if to shield Wits from anything Twilight could throw at him.

It was only when Twilight’s flaming hoof slammed into her side that Iron Maiden let out a cry.

Twilight let out a gasp, dismissing her magical hooves before they could do any more damage. She barely noticed as Wits End’s own hands vanished around her, as she was stunned by the unarmored alicorn’s sudden appearance. A quick glance towards where Iron Maiden had been initially stunned revealed an empty suit of armor, cut open with magic like a butterfly’s cocoon. She hadn’t hit armor; Twilight had stuck flesh and bone with flame and magic.

She heard something snap. She felt something give.

Iron Maiden dropped to the ground, clutching the wound. One stunned second later, Wits was kneeling next to her and assessing the damage. His mind raced with panic and adrenaline as he clawed at his limited medical knowledge. “Iron?” he gasped, rolling the larger pony so that her side was out of the dirt. “Iron, talk to me. I’m not the medic of the party, so you’ve gotta talk to me.”

“Ha…” Iron Maiden hissed through clenched teeth. “It’s… been some years since I was last bested.” She looked up at Wits with a weak smile. “You… held back when fighting your former companion. The legends were true.”

“You and your legends,” Wits muttered. “Keep talking. What legends are true?”

Iron Maiden chuckled, then winced. “That your greatest strength isn’t here,” she raised a hoof, placing it at the base of his horn. “Your strength...” Her hoof drifted down to the unicorn’s chest. “Is… here.”

Her hoof slipped, landing on the ground with a dull thump.

Twilight watched the two ponies before her. A quick medical scanning spell revealed that the alicorn was unconscious, but still breathing. “Wits,” she said softly, “she-”

“You.” The word cut Twilight like a knife. Wits rose to his hooves, his eyes locked onto hers with a look she’d never seen before. It was a look she could only imagine last being turned towards Holdfast on that first day in Gallopilli, when he had threatened the rest of the party. “How dare you?”

Twilight took a step back, a chill running down her spine. “Wits,” she said quickly, “she moved so fast. If I’d known she’d try to protect you like that, I would never-”

“These ponies.” Each word Wits spoke sounded like it was bitten out. “Are under my protection. They are,” he took a step forward, and Twilight stumbled back another step, “my friends. They are… mine.”

“Wits.” A choke cut off Twilight’s reply as she stepped back again. “Wits, we’re-”

“No-pony,” Wits growled, “hurts my friends.” His horn began to flicker violently, arcs of teal and sea-green jumping from its tip. “No-pony damages what is mine.”

Twilight flung herself into the sky, her rainbow barrier shattering as she shot through it. A split second later, powerful bolts of lightning arced through the air around her, each one leaving the smell of ozone in its wake. She knew that if one bolt hit her, it wouldn’t simply stun her or shock her. Only her frantic dodging and weaving kept her safe as the electrical barrage intensified.

Her eyes widened as the lightning began hooking back towards her. Each bolt reached out towards her like a grasping hand, following her movements and, she realized with a feeling like her stomach had been dropped into a pit, moving to cut off her escape. She was trapped from all sides.

With a gasp, Twilight’s horn flashed. She vanished with a pop of displaced air, moments before bolts after bolt collided in the space she had once occupied.

With his target gone, Wits’ barrage ceased. Immediately, he turned back to Iron Maiden, who was surrounded by a set of her fellow alicorns. One saw the stallion’s approach, and snapped a salute. “She’ll live, strategos,” the medic said, “but for a full recovery, she’ll need more than field healing. I recommend-”

“We’re turning back.”

The alicorn blinked. “Strategos?”

“Did I not make myself clear?” Wits watched as the other alicorns lifted Iron Maiden onto a summoned floating disk. “We’re going back to the forward base at Ghastly Gorge. If Twilight knows we’re here, she’ll give Cloudsdale ample warning and send the Canterlot guard to re-enforce them.” He forced himself to look the medic in the eye. “Let them tire themselves by preparing for a strike that never comes. We’ll be rested and… healed.”

Eventually, the medic nodded. “Yes, strategos. Thank you.”

“Whether the princess knows it or not,” Wits said, “this invasion, this war… It just changed. I’ll need to plan accordingly.” He gave a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I won’t have anypony else under my command harmed on my account.”

“Strategos…” The medic hesitated, realizing that other alicorns had gathered to listen. “If I might ask: did you mean what you said? About us being… well, your friends?”

Wits stared at the medic for a long time. Then, slowly, he gave a smirk. “Didn’t I make myself clear? Why are we standing around asking questions with obvious answers.” He made a chopping motion with one forehoof, gesturing back the way they’d come. “Alright, get moving! Easy with Iron Maiden, keep pressure off her wound unless the medics say otherwise! We’ve got a lot of walking to do, folks!”

* * *

Twilight appeared in front of the Cutie Mark map in a flash of light. She was panting, sweating, bruised, and scorched from a few near misses at the end. But more than any of that, she was exhausted. She was exhausted physically, and mentally.

She’d thrown a spell at somepony that, even now, she still considered a friend. A spell that, ultimately, she had no control over. A spell that, if it had hit anypony but an alicorn, would have had much more dire consequences than a mere wound. The look of pain on Iron Maiden’s face flashed before her eyes, followed by that look on Wits’ face afterward.

“Twilight?” She looked up from her reverie to find Spike standing in front of her. “Are you alright? You look… uh… terrible.”

The Princess of Friendship gave a half-hearted smile. The gesture dissolved like spun sugar in water almost immediately. “Spike?”

Spike tilted his head quizzically. “What’s up?”

“Am…” Twilight trailed off; the image of Iron Maiden and Wits End still fresh in her mind. “Am I one of the bad guys this time?”

Chapter 37: I’ve Been Bored Here For 30 Minutes~!

“Sister,” Princess Luna muttered, “should we not be here? We are still being hunted by those… ponies.”

“It’s like I’ve always said, Luna,” Celestia sighed, “the nearer we are to danger, the further we are from harm.”

Luna stared at her sister for a long moment. “I have never heard you say that,” the dark blue alicorn deadpanned. She stuck a wing out and rotated the joint. “Must we wear these uncomfortable uniforms?”

Celestia sighed again. “We wouldn’t be very well disguised if we weren’t wearing them.” The white alicorn subconsciously scratched an itch under her horn. “The alicorns would never think to search for us within their own forces.” Luna looked around at the bustling camp and couldn’t help but agree. Albeit reluctantly. Dozens of alicorns walked or soared about them, fulfilling any and all tasks that were required in a military camp. All wore the same uniform the two incognito princesses were hiding in and none ever gave the duo a second glance.

“So, are we supposed to wait here until we get caught or escape?” Luna asked.

Celestia paused in her walking and gulped. “I’m… not sure,” she revealed. “This was a rather spur of the moment solution to our immediate quandary. I didn’t think much further beyond hiding immediately from the ponies hunting us.”

Luna clicked her tongue. “Clearly,” she drawled. “I can only presume that you have a way to get us out of this camp without arousing suspicion? Particularly when that guard at the gate asks us who we are and fails to find us on the roster?”

Celestia looked over her sister’s head at the indicated alicorn. Compared to the princesses, the alicorn checking its fellows in at the gate was massive. The clipboard he held with his magic was miniscule next to his sheer bulk.

“I… had an idea or two,” Celestia admitted.

Luna arched an eyebrow at her sister. “Are they good ideas?”

Celestia shrugged. “That remains to be seen.” She nudged Luna with a leg. “Come. Let’s see if one of them works.” The white alicorn walked briskly over to the gatekeeper, not noticing Luna roll her eyes as she followed.

“Excuse me, we’re checking in before we go on our patrol,” Celestia said when the disguised duo reached the massive alicorn.

“Names,” the gatekeeper grunted, not looking away from his clipboard.

“Mareiadoc Brandybuck and Ponygrin Took.” Celestia kept her face impassive, putting her centuries of dealing with Equestria’s movers and shakers to good use.

The gatekeeper scanned his list, a frown forming on his face as he reached the bottom of the page. “Which division do you two report to?”

Luna shot a look at her sister, raising an eyebrow. Eventually, Celestia responded. “We… just got in, so… probably the newest division?”

A heavy sigh escaped the guard as he flipped through pages. “Right, sure. New division. As if the Strategos hasn’t made enough changes to our organization already. When did you get in?”

“Just today.”

The gatekeeper stopped. “No-pony’s come through the portal in at least a week,” he growled. “Which district of the Bastion were you two from, Mareiadoc and Ponygrin?”

Celestia blanched. “Um…”

“Near the castle.” Luna jumped in, suppressing her royal Canterlot accent. “We… worked closely with the Princesses.”

“Hoofmaidens.” Celestia nodded, nodding at her sister. “We served the Princesses and lived near the palace grounds.”

“Ah huh…” The gatekeeper set his clipboard down, looming over the princesses as he looked down his muzzle at them. “See, I served on the palace grounds.”

Celestia swallowed hard. “Oh?”

“Morning shift guard at the servant’s entrance. I was there for the better part of a decade.” Somehow, the guard managed to appear even larger when looking down at the diarchs. “I got to know everypony in the palace.”

“Is that right…”

“Personally.” The gatekeeper’s face was only a few inches away from Celestia’s, to the point where she could smell the oats he ate for breakfast. “So let me be very clear: I know exactly what’s going on here.”

Luna stepped closer. “Sister…”

Celestia held up a forehoof. “And what is going on here, my good guardspony?”

The seconds ticked by, each one taking longer to pass than the one before. A bead of sweat formed on the side of Luna’s head, eyes switching between her sister and the gatekeeper. Carefully, she began gathering magical energy to disable the guard.

The gatekeeper smiled. “As if a member of the Hoofstrong family wouldn’t be able to recognize their own Princesses, Lady Sol Eater.” He bowed his head, all hints of a threat gone from his mass. “And you as well,” he said with a bow to Luna, “Princess Penumbra.”

Celestia blinked. “Oh.”

Luna simply stared. “Huh.”

“I will say,” the gatekeeper continued, “your trick with the slightly different voices did throw me off at first. But I knew the moment I looked at you two who you were.” He tapped the side of his head with a forehoof. “It’s a talent, you see. One passed down the Hoofstrong family line for generations.”

Celestia recovered first, coughing into her hoof as she recalled Twilight’s letters on the Alicorn’s leaders. She affixed a smug smirk on her face: one usually reserved for when she set a particularly challenging task for her royal pâtissière. “Consider me reasonably impressed,” she purred. “You will keep our actions in the highest confidence, of course.”

“But of course!” The guard nodded. “A good ruler should walk amongst her subjects, even in disguise. These are dangerous times, and you wouldn’t want the rank and file to get lazy while fighting to liberate another world!” He leaned in conspiratorially. “Consider these lips sealed, my ladies. Secrecy is, of course, a skill passed down the Hoofstrong family line for generations.”

The two alicorns nodded slowly, smiling mechanically at the gatekeeper and flapped their wings, quickly leaving the ground and the camp behind. They flew in silence for several minutes as they ascended to a comfortable cruising altitude.

“Well, I think that went rather well,” Celestia commented cheerfully.

“That was not a plan you had, was it?” Luna deadpanned.

Celestia winced, grinning weakly at her sister. “Not exactly. However, it did get us out of the camp and far from those alicorns.”

“Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Now what? Back to Canterlot? I am sure Blueblood is wishing we return as soon as possible.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Celestia said dismissively. “So long as he listens to the Generals of the Guard and Twilight, I’m sure everything will turn out okay.”

“Forgive me if I do not share your optimism,” Luna drawled. The duo flew in silence for a fair distance, scrutinizing the ground as they soared just below the cloud cover. The land below them was spotted with intermittent pockets of alicorns as well as the occasional fortified camp. As they flew over the Smokey Mountains, the two princesses could spot the picket line of alicorn controlled territory stretching north and southeast.

“I cannot help but wonder where Discord has been during all this,” Luna mused.

“Last I’d heard from him, he’d sent an apology letter about his part in that play that he directed,” Celestia said.

“Ah.” Luna sniffed. “That. I remember that. I cannot fault the players, but the choice of iconography was rather insensitive.”

“Discord is insensitive,” Celestia reminded her sister. “I say we look for him.”

Luna sighed. “If you insist, sister.”

“I do,” Celestia affirmed, flapping strongly. “Come.”

* * *

Discord lounged dramatically. “So you couldn’t live with having those three running rampant. And where did that bring you?” He snapped his talons and a highball glass of chocolate milk appeared in his grasp. “Back to me.”

Celestia and Luna stared at the mismatched creature, reclined on a tartan-patterned chaise lounge. “I suppose,” Celestia mused, “that we are all kinds of stubborn in that regard.”

“Sister,” Luna muttered. “How did we even get here? I don’t recall our path taking us anywhere before… well, this.”

“Oh ho ho!” Discord tossed his untouched drink away, where it landed neatly on an upturned ‘Discord’s Playground’ sign. “Well, when you go here just like all the others! No-pony ever finds their way to where I’ve got myself hidden away. They simply find themselves here.” He chuckled, stretching so that he took up the entirety of the couch. “So, come to apologize for ruining my masterpiece?”

“You did insult us quite gravely,” Celestia pointed out.

Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, posh! Like you two didn’t spend the last thousand years treating me like some one-off villain, bent on reducing the world to its constituent chaotic parts.”

“You were,” Luna deadpanned.

“I don’t see what that has to do with it.” Discord sat up, his lower half remaining coiled across the lounge like a large snake. “So, what’d I miss? Twilight put an enchantment on my little grotto so I couldn’t interfere with the goings-on outside. No newspapers, no TV, not even a Tweeter feed!” He sighed, upper body going limp and flopping across the back of the lounge. “I’ve been soooooooo dreadfully bored.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “So you don’t know what’s happening in Equestria?”

“The last I heard, Twilight lost control of her boytoys and they made it their life’s work to severely inconvenience her. After that?” Discord shrugged. “It’s been old episodes of M.A.R.E.S.H. and Harpy Days for me.”

“That sounds… nice,” Luna said slowly. She cleared her throat. “I suppose it would not hurt to tell you of what has occurred of late in Equestria.”

“Please do,” Discord whined. “I feel so out of touch that it's killing me!” A dagger appeared embedded in his torso and he collapsed dramatically on his lounge chair. Celestia and Luna blinked at the draconequus while he held his pose for longer than was really necessary. He bent his neck to look at the pair. “It wouldn’t happen to be the Ides of March, would it?”

“It’s August,” Luna deadpanned.

“Curses!” Discord clicked his claws in frustration. “Too late for Yulemas in July.” He flicked his wrist and his drink soared back to him. “So, how’ve things been going?” He poured the drink into a mouth that opened on his hip.

Celestia shook herself and inhaled deeply. After exhaling, she spoke. “First off, we allowed that senate thing to assemble itself. Frankly, one of my better allowances, I believe. We did have a little trouble with a rather polarizing senator from the Pony North West who called himself Baelhart.”

Discord promptly sat up on his seat and spat his drink out onto Luna. “He called himself who now?!” he gasped, genuine shock written in big block letters on his face.

“Baelhart,” Luna growled, grabbing a cushion off Discord’s lounge and mopping her face off with it. “He proposed the enactment of a bill that would assemble a committee to police the Elements of Harmony.”

Discord looked at the two princesses in dumb silence, jaw on the ground.

“The committee is called the ‘Panel of International Situation Solutions’ and works to identify the proper response to problems inside and outside of Equestria,” Celestia continued.

“Now that is a travesty!” Discord cried.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Celestia said. “The Elements are an autonomous entity that can operate without oversight. I intended for them to work that way.”

Discord blinked at the white alicorn. “I wouldn’t call that a travesty,” he said. “Maybe a mild inconvenience, but not a travesty. The real travesty is this Baelhart thinking PISS is a good pun to make! Honestly, was SHITE taken? What about COLTS? Counsel fOr Lackadaisical Triumvirate Schemes is better by miles!”

Celestia stared at the draconequus. “Discord,” she said flatly. “This means that Twilight and her friends can’t protect Equestria from threats without the panel’s oversight.”

“Hence, inconvenience.” Discord waved a claw. “I’m sure they can convince some pencil-pushers to let them rein in whatever troubles there are. I mean, it’s not like Equestria’s being invaded by an army from beyond the bounds of space and time, right?” He was silent for a moment, then looked at the two princesses. “This is where you assure me that’s not what’s happening.”

“For being sequestered without any source of news,” Luna mused, “you do seem quite well informed.”

“Who would be invading Equestria at a time like this?” Discord asked. “I mean, it’s hardly been long enough for an end-of-season epic battle! Who would be stupid enough to attack Equestria unprovoked, and be lucky enough to do it right when its greatest defenders are mired in bureaucracy?”

“Who did you talk to prior to your banishment?” Luna asked.

Discord thought for a moment. “Well, there were the actors in the play; which I still feel like I haven’t gotten enough credit for. There was tea with Fluttershy, for certain. And…” He paused, then frowned. “Oh, that little mint-flavored brat...”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

“The smallest of those colts, Minty Fresh. He came to me looking for tips on how to be a villain.”

“He came to you too?” Luna clarified.

“And Sunset, according to Twilight,” Celestia added. “It seems mister Wits End did his research.”

“Well don’t blame me.” Discord was wiping his claws on a paisley doily. “I told him to just have fun with it. I had nothing with him raising an army of… what, exactly?”

Celestia met Discord’s eyes. “Alicorns.”

Discord’s mouth formed a tight, thin line. “Ah. Yes, that might very slightly be my fault by association. What’s his goal here?”

“World domination,” Luna said dryly. “...Or friendship. It was difficult to tell based on our brief conversation.”

“And I thought I was supposed to be the inscrutable one…” Discord thought quietly for a few seconds, “I don’t suppose you know what the other two are upto?” he asked, prompting a sigh from Celestia.

“Despite our and our sister’s efforts, Purple Heart has disappeared,” Luna admitted.

“And all I know about Light Patch is that he tried to learn of artifacts of great power that might still be loose in the world,” Celestia added.

“That is significantly less than I was hoping to hear about, especially considering that it seems like Self Crit there seemed to be blending my and Pinkie’s powers somewhat,” Discord sniffed, pouring a popsicle from a tea kettle he produced from thin air.

“I don’t suppose you have any ideas how to stop the invasion or reign Wits End in,” Celestia wondered, attempting to pour herself a popsicle from the tea kettle only to have the tea simply splash onto the table in a puddle.

Discord took a bite out of the side of his popsicle. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “Well…”

* * *

Twilight slumped into her throne with a sigh, followed by a groan. She shifted to avoid putting weight on a bruise that, fortunately, had turned a color that complimented her already purple coat. It turned out that many of what she’d thought had been near-misses on Wits End’s part had in fact been glancing blows that left surface wounds in their wake.

She sighed again, slapping an ice pack on the bruise with a hiss. It had taken some time for Spike to talk her down from her initial moral dilemma. Time, and reminders that Wits was leading an invading force set on conquering Equestria.

Well, time, reminders, and ice cream. The headache had reminded her to put ice on her bruises, so there was a net bonus.

Twilight gave the map a nudge. No Cutie Marks hung suspended in the air above it, same as it had been for weeks now. “Sure hope there aren’t any friendship problems happening right now,” she muttered. “Not that we don’t have enough problems already. It’d just be nice to know that, while we’re fighting for the future of Equestria’s autonomy and the place of the Princesses in government, I don’t have to worry about Applebloom and Babs Seed arguing.”

She glanced around the room, and sighed. “Aaaand I’m talking to an empty room. I swear, those boys have been a bad influence on me since the moment I met them.”

While looking for anypony who might have been listening to her insane ramblings, Twilight spotted the last thing she’d been working on before receiving word of the Alicorn’s approaching Cloudsdale. She picked up the folder of papers, idly leafing through it. Inside was a series of, to almost anypony else, incomprehensible magical notation, formuli, and speculation. To her, and hopefully to Moon Dancer, it was the proof and concept of a highly complicated spell. A spell to separate distinct, yet related entities merged at the micro-magicule level, taking inspiration from Tucker’s Observations on Magic and Ethics, Redacted Volumes.

Simply put, a spell to separate the three colts from whatever aspects of their respective villains that were influencing them.

It had taken her some time—far too long in retrospect—for her to come up with the theory, let alone test it. But, thanks to the samples she’d taken of the three colts while they were under observation, she had been able to slowly devise a spell first to confirm her hypothesis, and then to start working apart the bonds that kept the two entities tethered together. Really, it had taken going back to what she’d learned from Princess Luna about her Tantabus to really understand what was happening to them.

Twilight stopped on the page containing the spell itself. She wanted to say that it was elegant in its simplicity, but the truth was that it was a clusterbuck of bodged half-spells and magical hintings that just so happened to do what she wanted. All tests on the samples had been successful, provided they were exposed to healing magic shortly afterwards. “But those samples are weeks old,” she muttered, scratching her chin with a forehoof. “Their magical signatures can’t have changed too much since then, right?” She frowned. “Then again, it’s not like I’ve ever had to deal with creatures from another dimension quantum-entangled with other creatures from another dimension, all twisted into pony form. For all I know, their genetic material has more in common with Pinkie’s cake batter than pony DNA at this point. What I wouldn’t give for an up-to-date sample...”

She froze. “Spike!”

There was a thud from outside the map room, followed by a low grumbling. Spike stuck his head through the door a moment later. “Yeah, Twilight?”

“You haven’t washed the towels yet, have you?”

Spike raised a spiny eyebrow. “The ones we used to clean you up after your fight with that mint pony?” Twilight nodded, and Spike responded by pulling a laundry basket of towels into the room. “I was going to wash them, until somepony gave me a heart attack by shouting my name right as I walked by the door.”

“Sorry about that.” Twilight eased herself out of the throne and over to the basket. “I just need to check for a sample.”

“A sample? It’s towels covered with dirt, dust, and blood.”

“Yes.” Twilight pulled out a washcloth, stained red and places. “But who’s blood is important.”

Spike leaned away from the piece of cloth. “This isn’t where I find out that you’re secretly a vampire on top of everything else, is it?”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous.” Twilight’s horn lit up as she scanned the blood stains, stopping on one in particular. “Perfect!” The blood pulled away from the towel, leaving a tiny sphere of opaque crimson floating in the air. Twilight dropped the towel back into the basket. “Thanks, Spike! You’re the best.”

“...Thanks? I’ll do my best to linger in front of the map room when I’m doing laundry in the future, I guess.” Spike shrugged. “Anything else? Or can I get these washed now?”

Twilight made a dismissive gesture as she moved back to the map. “Yep, you’re good. Thanks.” She heard the door creak shut, and her horn lit up again. A quick medical scanning spell confirmed that the blood sample was Wits End’s; an errant drop from a lucky blow, she assumed. It wasn’t perfect: the sample hadn’t been preserved properly, but hopefully it was enough to test with. “That’s one. Now… Spike!”

Another, more distant, thud sounded, followed by the rapid clicking of claws on crystal flooring. Spike poked his head through the doorway again. “I thought you said I was good,” he grumbled.

“Did we get access to the personal belongings of Baelhart and Purple Patches yet?”

“You mean after you disintegrated them?”

“It wasn’t disintegration! They were constructs animated by Purple Heart’s-”

“I regret asking. Holdfast’s investigation panel is holding everything they had in Equestria under review, since Baelhart was a senator.”

“WHAT-”

Spike held up a claw. “But,” he said, forestalling Twilight’s rage, “I have a close personal friend who happens to deal specifically with strange and unexplained goings-on across Equestria. The kind of things that normal, everyday ponies aren’t supposed to-”

“You’re talking about Just Duty, aren’t you?” Twilight deadpanned.

“I never get to have my moment,” Spike muttered. “Yes, Just Duty. Apparently the Paladins got called in to make sure this wasn’t a threat to Equestria and its government. I’m sure they can spare something from Baelhart’s stuff if you need it.”

Twilight’s face brightened. “Send him a letter right away. I need something with Baelhart’s magical signature on it.”

Spike nodded. “When do you need it?”

“Right now.”

Spike’s mouth formed a thin line. “I guess the towels will keep waiting while I send that letter then.”

“You’re the best!” Twilight shouted as the door closed behind Spike. “Now to just figure out how to get a sample for Light Patch,” she thought aloud. “Ah! The letter that he sent to ask Rarity to make that cloak for him! I’d bet he sent that using his own magic it’d be perfect! I just hope she’s still held onto it.” Twilight walked to the door. “Spike!” From just outside the door came an anguished cry and the sound of parchment ripping. Spike pushed the door open just enough to peak inside, a heavy scowl furrowing his brow.

“I’m right here, Twilight! What are you shouting about now?” Spike snapped.

“Why are you behind the door?”

“I figured I’d save myself some time and just send the letter and wait here for the next call. I just didn’t expect it to basically be in my ears.”

“Oh. Sorry. Anyway, I’m heading to Rarity’s to see if she still has that invoice from Light Patch about the cloak he ordered. It should have his magic signature on it.”

“I’d offer to go with you, but somehow the quill decided it wanted to exist on both sides of the letter I was sending rather than just one,” Spike said with a flat look. Twilight winced.

“Sorry, Spike. I’ll see about getting you some of those Sapphire Cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner at some point. I’ll be back in a minute.” She turned to leave and promptly froze at the unmistakable sound of a teleport followed by low grumbling. Spike shifted to hold the quill as defensively as one could while Twilight cautiously made their way towards the sound. The pair opened a door and peeked inside to see a familiar light grey pegasus rooting through a small storage room.

“Bah! Nothing but wooden blocks and various board games,” Light Patch mumbled as he continued to root through a small closet.

Twilight and Spike shared an incredulous look. “Light Patch,” Twilight said in a tone usually reserved for calming skittish animals when Fluttershy wasn’t around, “what are you doing in my storeroom?” She cringed when she heard an entire shelf shudder as a head banged into.

“Uh…. nothing?” Light Patch replied with the tone of a foal who’s hoof was stuck in the cookie jar. “I mean, looking for something?” He tried to rally.

“I can bring you an inventory if you want,” Spike suggested helpfully. Twilight glared at the small dragon and he shrunk in on himself. “Or not.”

Twilight turned back to the invasive pegasus and slowly approached him. “What are you looking for?” she asked.

The pegasus looked thoughtful for a few seconds. “Do you have any cast iron pans? I’d prefer a good one around thirteen inches. Uh, about this size.” He quickly mimed dimensions with his hooves. Twilight looked puzzled for a moment, then turned to Spike with a questioning look on her face.

Spike shrugged. “We have them,” he said slowly, “but right now the frying pans are being used to deal with a minor leak over in Sugarcube Corner.” A small smile spread over his face. “Heh, drying pan.”

“Heh, nice.” Light Patch looked at Twilight again. “How about a ten fo- ten hoof pole? Got any of those?”

“Not in storage,” Spike replied succinctly, mentally checking his own record of the room’s catalogue. “I can probably order something to be delivered, but that may take a while.” He immediately withdrew into himself when Twilight swung around, eyes narrowed in displeasure.

‘STOP. ENABLING. HIM.’ she mouthed, teeth gritted. She paused. “PLEASE.” She turned away, missing the pout that settled on the small dragon’s face.

“Why the interest in metal items?” Twilight asked Light.

“I, uh... need them for stuff… and things,” Light Patch replied shiftly. “Oh! How about an unabridged ‘cyclopedia volume two? I could do some damage with that.”

Twilight blinked. ‘Cyclopedia’? Was that some kind of mode of transportation common to the boys’ homeworld?

“There are encyclopedias for agri- and horticulture on that shelf over there,” Spike supplied, gesturing to a shelf against the wall to their left. “Not sure how many volumes are there, but they’re certainly weighty.”

Twilight’s first thought was ‘oh, ENcyclopedia’ followed shortly by ‘STOP HELPING HIM, SPIKE!’ The alicorn princess swung around and drew a hoof from one side of her lips to the other, glaring all the while at the shivering Spike. With the dragon’s silence assured, she turned back to Light Patch. “Tell you what,” she said in a friendly tone, “I have a pair of folding chairs I can spare. Nice and sturdy, and weighty too.” She held up a hoof to forestall the pegasus’ reaction. “But, if you want to borrow them, you have to do something for me first.”

Light Patch’s expression turned serious. “Who do you need me to kill? I know the perfect place to hide a body.”

“What? No!” Twilight shook her head. “I just need a sample of your magical signature. A blood sample, or a hair, or something like that.”

“That's it?”

“That’s it.”

“...Yeah, sure, okay. Go ahead and pluck a few hai- ow!” Light Patch recoiled as Twilight plucked several not loose hairs from his coat. “You enjoyed that didn’t you?” he asked as Spike dragged the folding chairs in.

“I never want to hurt my friends. But yes, I may have enjoyed it a small bit,” Twilight said, examining the hair.

Light Patch gathered the two chairs in his forelegs. “Thanks, Twilight. I’ll owe you a couple of new folding chairs.”

“Wait, what? I want those chairs back intact!” She swore silently as he teleported away. Twilight frowned at the spot where the pegasus had been.

“Whatcha thinking, Twilight?” Spike asked cautiously after almost a minute.

“I shoulda taken from his mane,” she growled as they left the storage room, “and we probably shouldn’t have lent him two of the best folding chairs.” She shrugged, enveloping the hairs in a magical shield, similar to the sample of Wits End’s blood. “Get that letter sent to Just Duty. I need to run tests on these as soon as possible.”

Spike nodded. “I’ll go get some new parchment, then.” He took a few steps, then paused. “I’m gonna send the letter from the kitchen.”

“Why kitchen?”

“I can’t hear you shouting my name from there. Be back in a bit!” Spike scurried down the hallway, leaving Twilight with her samples.

“...I suppose I had that coming.” Twilight closed the map room door behind her, and sat down in front of her notes again. “Alright, let’s start with Wits’ sample.” Her horn sparked as she channeled the variety of spells and elements into the bubble of blood, filtering through the magical elements contained within. “This would be much easier with Starlight’s extra mana…”

The sparks grew to a trickle of magic, then a rush of energy, enveloping the sample in the spell’s light.

The spell fizzled.

Twilight watched as the motes of energy that made up the spell broke apart, spinning listlessly into the far corners of the room before fading away. “That’s… not supposed to happen.” She scanned the sample again. There was a slight difference in the magical signature, but it wasn’t completely separated like it had been when she’d tested with the initial samples. “Maybe it needs more power? Or… maybe the magical signature is too broken down?” She frowned. “Or maybe I’m just thrown off by Light Patch once again breaking through my Maredenkainen’s Impenetrable Teleportation Barrier spell.

She would’ve cast the spell again, but the first cast had taken up most of the mana reserves that she’d built back up after fighting Wits End. Twilight sighed, summoning a pair of protective flasks to store both samples in. She’d try again in the morning, when she was back at 120%. Besides, the spell had worked before, so it would work just fine when used on the boys.

Twilight frowned. It would work, wouldn’t it?

Chapter 38: On Your Left

“Can somepony please tell me why I’ve been summoned to participate in this bizarre event?” demanded Chancellor Holdfast as he stalked into the throne room of Canterlot Castle.

“Partly because I value your council and mostly because I said so,” drawled Purple Heart from where he sat on the throne. The white unicorn blinked and inclined his head in deference.

“Your majesty,” he greeted. “I have a Panel meeting I need to attend in an hour.”

“Well, if you all cooperate, maybe this won’t take very long,” Purple Heart assured.

A frown threatened to form on the Chancellor’s face and he nodded once, lips tight. Purple Heart looked around at the collection of advisors assembled before his throne and smiled thinly.

“Lord Jack, in the main foyer of his castle, had a big block of cheese.”

“Huh!” Holdfast grunted as the rest of the assembly sighed resignedly.

Purple Heart glared. “I am making a mental list of those who are snickering,” he warned, “and even as I speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution.” He paused, watching the ponies. “The block of cheese was huge, over two tonnes. And it was there, for any and all, who might be hungry.”

Holdfast raised a hoof. “Your majesty, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?”

Purple Heart replied immediately. “We can do that later, Chancellor. We already have one martial issue at the moment and right now I'm talking about Lord Jack.”

“Actually, you’re talking about a big block o’ cheese,” piped up one of the numerous aides.

“And you go on my list!”

The aide blinked. “What about the Chancellor?!” he squawked.

Purple Heart paused for a beat, then shrugged. “I’m unpredictable.”

“Clearly,” muttered Holdfast.

“Lord Jack wanted his castle to belong to his subjects,” Purple Heart continued, ignoring the aide that quietly opened the door to the throne room and sped their way over to the assembly. “So, from time to time, he’d open his doors to those who wished an audience.”

“And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tonnes of cheese,” Holdfast grunted.

“It is in the spirit of Lord Jack that I ask you to attend to any worries or concerns of members of the public who find it difficult to get our attention,” Purple Heart stated.

“And you’re ordering us to do this… for what reason?” asked Holdfast.

“To show the public that despite the trying times we live in, we shall endeavor to attend to any concern they may have,” the purple king said. He cast a cold, hard gaze around at the advisors. “A King rules for his subjects. Not over them.” He blinked once, finally seeing the aide that had entered during his speech. “Yes?”

The aide pulled out an envelope from their satchel and held it up for all to see. “I bring a message from Wits End, Strategos of the Second Alicorn Diarchy, Grand Marshal of the Equestrian Expeditionary Force and...” The aide trailed off, squinting at a smudge on the back of the envelope. “...Best… something, I think.”

Purple Heart scowled. “And you didn’t think this was important because… why?”

The aide winced. “You were in the middle of orating,” they explained. “I didn’t feel it proper to interrupt.”

“Forgiven,” Purple Heart said immediately.

“And the aide with the message from the leader of an invading force doesn’t go on the list,” muttered the original dissenter amongst the advisors.

Purple Heart beckoned the aide forward and stepped off the dais to meet them. Once the envelope was in his hooves, he waved a hoof in dismissal and opened the message.

The page itself was blank, aside from a small inscribed spell array. Once the letter was open, a 3D projection of Wits End appeared, standing on the page in the familiar robes of his character in Discord’s game. He appeared to be talking to somepony off the page. “No, it’s dramatic and thematic. It’s not a silly outfit; it’s a callback.” The scale model of Wits turned back to face Purple Heart. “To whichever of the rotating array of acting commanders-in-chief is currently warming the throne of Equestria, this is an official communication on behalf of the Second Alicorn Diarchy. I speak with the full authority of Princesses Sol Eater and Penumbra; future benevolent rulers of this land and its inhabitants.”

“He’s a bit poncy, isn’t he?” Holdfast asked curiously.

“We stand,” Wits’ image continued, now pacing across the page, “on the brink of a full-out war. One that would only bring devastation to Equestria’s lands, and suffering to its ponies. Your only defences are an unprepared royal guard, and a pair of princesses. One of which,” he motioned to a cut on his cheek with a smirk, “has already been bested in single combat, and sent running with her tail between her legs.

“However, let it be known that neither the Princesses of the Second Alicorn Diarchy nor myself are cruel or malicious in this. I offer you a trio of possible paths for Equestria’s future. The first: you continue as you have so far. The Diarchy shall overrun Equestria from its border inward, cutting its heartland off from both escape and trade, and leaving its ponies to wait until a lack of supplies forces your hooves.” Wits End paused, then shook his head. “This, I cannot recommend.

“The second is your surrender.” The recording paused for a moment as a few of the gathered ponies gasped. “Let it be known that annexation into the Diarchy would not mean an unconditional surrender. There are allowances that can be made to maintain a certain level of autonomy of the Equestrian people. Those allowances are, of course, dependent on the good will shown by your administration in the time before your inevitable surrender.

“Finally,” Wits’ recording turned, looking Purple Heart in the eyes, “I offer the Equestrian ponies a wager. A natural evolution of the war and strife and conflict that this would all bring.” He paused, then smiled. “Single combat. Strategos of the Diarchy against your acting prince or princess. Should you win in a fair fight, the Alicorns of the Diarchy shall retreat, and Equestria can know peace once again. Should you lose…” Wits’ smile widened. “Well now, that would be unconditional surrender.

“This letter is enchanted to return to the Diarchy with your response, so I do hope you’ll do us the courtesy of passing along your decision promptly.” The projected Wits summoned a projected hand by his head. “Let your leader know that this fight would not be like our last one.” With a snap of his fingers, Wits’ image vanished. After a few seconds, a beep tone sounded and Purple Heart blinked, the gold eyes of Beekler flashing green for a split second.

“Hello, Wits End,” he spoke, voice booming around the throne room. “I am King Beekler Alfreeves of Equestria, the current monarch. In favor of expediency, I shall be brief.”

The advisors looked around at each other, wondering where their monarch was heading with his words.

“Where and when, penguin?” He returned the paper to its envelope and sealed it, ignoring the outcry from the advisors as it vanished in a spark of magic. With a roll of his neck, Purple Heart sighed, letting the advisors vent at him for a few more seconds while he walked back up to his throne. Once settled, he looked down at the rabble of ponies and spoke.

“ENOUGH.”

Silence. The advisors knew the Royal Canterlot Voice when they heard it and meekly looked up at their sovereign.

Purple Heart looked at the collection of ponies for a moment. Then he spoke.

“I do not feel an uplifting speech is what is needed right now,” he said, his voice soft, yet it was easily heard around the cavernous chamber. “Our existence hangs on the brink of subjugation. Our forces are outnumbered. We are nearly surrounded.” He paused, eyes closing for a moment. When he opened them, his voice was louder, bolder, and full of passion.

“I do not ask of you many things,” Purple Heart said, “and when I do, it is not for much. But, I must ask you this once… to trust me. I have a plan. And I will not let Equestria fall under the yoke of these False Monarchs. Not when our True Princesses already exist. I can only hope that they return soon. But until then… trust me.”

Purple Heart then stood and walked down from the throne into the midst of advisors. “However,” he warned, “if you think not to, you had best find somepony amongst yourselves to face the Diarch’s champion.” He looked around, scrutinizing the assembly. All avert their eyes and some ducked their heads in deference.

“No?” Purple Heart growled. “Then get out of my way.” The scrabbling of hooves echoed around the throne room as the advisors scrambled to clear a path for their King and he swept through them and out the door, gesturing for the guards to accompany him. Once the door shut, the advisors broke out into panicked conversation, save one. Chancellor Holdfast arched an eyebrow after the King and hummed.

“Most interesting,” he murmured, turning to leave for his Panel meeting. “Most interesting indeed...”

* * *

“How is just one Pony beating you?!” shouted the lead Diamond Dog before having to duck another of his pack. The plan had been simple. His dogs would help as they had been, and when the pesky birds and noisy bulls started their inevitable fight, they’d quietly sneak in through hidden passages, steal the orb, and sneak out. Then they could trade it for whatever they wanted.

The diamond dog leader yelped as another of his clan flew past. How could one pony be beating them?! “Fight harder!” he shouted. “Remember, you not just fighting for youselves! You fighting for the whole clan! And you fighting for me! We could trade Orb to live in a cave of giant crystals if we wanted!”

The dog’s leader yelped involuntarily when something bowled him over. He laid on the ground dazed for barely seconds before he realized something that worried him more than the sounds of the fight. And that was the lack of sounds of the fight.

His ears twitched as he listened to the sound of multiple dogs, including himself, breathing. He was also able to pick out the pony breathing. With a grunt, he shifted the blocking his vision and found himself face to face with the pony. “Wait,” he rasped out. “We thought Orb was easy mark. Clearly we wrong. You not hurt us… farther and we leave now,yes?”

“Actually, I think it would be further.”

“What?”

“You said ‘hurt us farther’. I think the word you want is ‘further’.”

“I don’t care what word used. You not hit, I not stay, deal?”

“Deal. Take your wounded and go.”

The Diamond Dog leader quickly got to his feet and started to stir the nearest of his pack. “Get up and help others. We go now and we not face chair again. And no tell of this, none of us want entire guard units armed with chairs!”

Light Patch watched the dogs gather themselves. He leaned against the now disfigured chair he’d been using against the dogs. He smiled as the leader kept hushing whispers as they started. Eventually, they’d managed to sort themselves out and he watched them quickly shuffle away. His eyes met with those of the Diamond Dog’s leader as he paused at the entrance of the tunnel as the rest of his pack passed.

The Diamond Dog leader watched his dogs pass, and made sure none were planning anything. Who think chairs be such dangerous weapon? He thought, checking one of his subordinates’ wounds as he passed. Or that pony behind this be so competent with them? He seem like joke at first, but now... The dog nodded at the pony before turning to run. Joke not so funny when you punchline.

Once all of the other pack members were on their way down the tunnel, the pack leader pushed his way to the front. No sooner did he reach it when another pony-shaped figure emerged from the darkness: this one making up for a lack of horns or furniture with a horn. “Oh, pony!” the pack leader called, waving a paw. “You no want go that way!”

The unicorn cocked her head, taking in the sight of the battered Diamond Dogs. “Let me guess,” she said slowly. “Whatever did this to you is that way?”

“Yeah! Crazy pony! You no go down there less you want chair to the head.” The pack leader tapped his chest with a claw. “We going back where it warm, or my name no Major Tom.”

“Thank you for the warning.” Moon Dancer gave the diamond dog a nod. “Unfortunately, I suspect that crazy pony is who I came here to stop. Thank you for tiring him out at least.” Moon Dancer walked past the Diamond Dogs

Major Tom shook his head as he watched the unicorn go. “No wonder we never win. all ponies crazy,” he muttered as she took off once clear of the pack’s stragglers.

Moon Dancer burst into the room and immediately spotted Light Patch about to grab the Orb. She froze and in a panic said the first thing that came to her mind: “Not today Zorg!” The grey pegasus froze and looked at her.

“It’s Zurg actually and did you just use a movie quote at me?”

“It was the first thing I could think of.”

“I’m surprised you still remember that movie,” the pegasus said.

“It stuck in my mind as one of the few without a parallel shared between our worlds,” Moon Dancer said, moving closer to the scaffolding.

“It does fit coming from the hero to a villain as it does in the movie. Well, minor antagonist in the movie, but in the characters’ back stories I guess it is hero to villain...” Light Patch trailed off as the two looked at each other. “You’re here to stop me then?”

Moon Dancer locked eyes with Light Patch. “I suppose I am.”

* * *

In a flash of light, Wits End and Trixie appeared on the edge of the Everfree Forest. The two of them were just out of sight of Ponyville, and the nearby roadway was abandoned as far as either of them could see. “It feels weird to be back here,” Trixie muttered. “After running away back then, it’s… It’s just weird.”

“That was a tactical retreat,” Wits said, taking a few deep breaths to ward off teleportation sickness. “Or… No, wait, that was an attempt to unfetter the Mane Six so we could have a fair fight. In either case, definitely not running away.”

The two of them fell silent for a second. “Are you sure about this?” Trixie said eventually. “Fighting Purple Heart sounds like a good way to get yourself beaten to a pulp. Or… well, or worse.”

“Are you kidding? I should’ve led off with this back when Celestia and Luna were around.” Wits started pacing, stretching his legs and taking in the sights. “Trust me, I know Purple Heart. Even when I was being manipulated by Sol Eater into fighting, he pulled his punches.”

“So you might win?”

“Seriously? Dude’s built like a brick that never skipped leg day. I’m losing this fight for sure.” Wits grinned. “Just not bad enough to spend more than a couple of days in the hospital. Purple Heart’ll beat me, but he’ll offer me a chance to surrender once it’s obvious I’ll lose. I take it, the Alicorn’s will be honorbound to end the war, and everypony lives happily ever after. All according to keikaku.”

Trixie frowned. “But the Alicorns will have to go back to that other world and go extinct.”

“Not hardly.” Wits waved a dismissive forehoof. “Part of my redemption arc is gonna be working with the Alicorns; either re-establishing them in their own world, or setting up their new enclave somewhere in Equestria. I’ll talk to Twilight and let her know I feel bad about dragging them through the mud like this. She’ll eat that up.”

“You’ve got this all figured out, haven’t you?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a genius.”

“But what if the Alicorn’s don’t surrender?”

“That’s why you’re here. You can give them a first-hoof account of how it was a close battle, but Purple Heart won fair and square. The two of us shook hooves, agreed to a white peace, and looked off into the sunset or something sappy like that.” Wits shrugged. “Their world’s simpler and more trope-y than even this one. They’ll accept that as an end to the war.”

After a moment, Trixie smiled. “Well, you might just have this in the bag, then.”

Wits nodded back with a smile. That smile slowly wilted as he sniffed the air. “Do you smell… ozone?”

The clearing around them burst into light, and the two unicorns found themselves surrounded by dozens of armored, and armed, Alicorns. “Strategos!” one shouted, half-trotting up to Wits End and giving a stiff bow. “Thank the stars we were able to catch up with you.”

Wits blinked rapidly at the assembled troops. “Bwuh?”

The Alicorn removed their helmet, revealing Iron Maiden’s smiling face. “You left so suddenly, we weren’t certain if following the teleportation trail would even work.” She gestured to the other Alicorns, her smile growing wider. “Fortunately, we have been ready to go since you proposed the duel to the Diarchs!”

Something audibly clicked inside Wits’ skull. “You- This is all of the soldiers from the Cloudsdale assault.”

“Yes sir!” Iron Maiden saluted, hiding a wince. “With Princess Penumbra’s permission, we’ve been reformed into your personal guard! The 597th Equestrian Regiment!”

Both Wits’ and Trixie’s jaws dropped, but Iron Maiden went on excitedly regardless. “Now, I’ll be keeping out of combat for now. The fake alicorn’s magic was quite effective; for a faker, that is. Oh, but don’t worry about me, strategos! Alicorns are a hearty breed, so I’ll be back at fighting strength in a few days! Until then, the rest of the 597th will stick with you and keep you safe!”

“Great,” Wits whimpered. “Can you give Trixie and I a minute? Alone?”

Iron Maiden nodded. “Of course! I’ll get the troops in formation and ready for a show of force as we approach the battlegrounds!” The armored alicorn practically skipped as she gathered her comrades.

Wits grabbed Trixie around the neck and pulled her in close. “Okay,” he whispered frantically, “maybe this is a good thing. More eyes on the fight mean more corroborating accounts when I go down in the 3rd round. With…” He looked back, doing a quick headcount. “Maybe a hundred alicorns watching, they can all tell the army I lost and that the war’s over.”

“Or,” Trixie hissed back, “they can be fanatically loyal to you and refuse to accept your loss. Didn’t you abandon the attack on Cloudsdale because one of them was injured?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And didn’t you call them your friends? Not even part of your crew, but your friends?”

“Yeah, but-”

“And isn’t their leader the very same one you turned back to help, fighting through the pain of her injuries to prove to you that she’s willing to fight for you?”

Wits looked back, noticing a limp in Iron Maiden’s walk. The alicorn noticed his gaze, and shot him a broad smile. Slowly, Wits turned back. “Trixie.”

“Yes?”

Wits took a deep breath, and looked her in the eyes. “I’m gonna need you to cast a cone of silence on me, ‘cause I have a lot of emotions that can only be expressed by saying things that are decidedly not PG.”

Trixie blinked. “And then what?”

“Then? Then I go get my ass kicked by Purple Heart and hope Ponyville’s still standing by sundown.”

* * *

“Uh, Twi?” Applejack looked back from her place on the balcony. “We got company. They don’t look like the friendly kind, either.”

Twilight groaned, attempting to rub the bags off her eyelids. “Why can’t it ever be a diplomatic mission? Why is it always invasions and conquests? Just once, I’d like to be the Princess of Friendship without having to fight ponies.”

Rarity leaned her head down to Spike’s side. “Is she quite alright?”

“She was woken up by a letter from Canterlot telling her about this whole duel of the fates,” Spike sighed. “I get the sense she’s not too pleased with being kept out of Equestria’s governing.”

“When all this is over,” Twilight continued, “I’m dissolving both the P.I.S.S. and the Council.”

Applejack stepped down off the balcony. “Ya’ll mean like ‘disbandin’, right? Not ‘boilin’ in acid’?”

Twilight gave the farmpony an unreadable look. “I take it our company is the Alicorns?”

“Uh… Yeah. ‘Bout a hundred of them, looked like. An’ the Royal Guard’s coming from Canterlot’s direction.”

“I thought the letter said it was to be single combat?” Rarity mused. “Do Wits End and Regent Alreeves expect to have a score of retainers and seconds in this duel?”

Fluttershy cleared her throat in a way that somehow managed to make no sound whatsoever. “For Wits, it’s, um, probably so the ponies of Ponyville don’t take him out first. I think Starlight probably still has a… bit of a grudge.”

“She called him a corrupting influence that should be purged with fire and salt,” Rarity deadpanned.

“She’s had a lot of time to think about it,” Fluttershy muttered.

“So what’s the plan?” Applejack was looking at Twilight, who was staring out the window. The first of the alicorn aerial scouts were coming into view over the railing. “With Dash and Pinkie out, we ain’t playin’ with a full deck here. Do we circle the wagons? Or try an’ break this up before it starts?”

“Neither.” Twilight stood. “The regent wants a fair fight, so we’ll let them beat the snot out of each other.”

Applejack stared at the purple alicorn. “Twi, that don’t sound so ‘friendship’-y to me.”

“Relax. If it looks like Beekler will lose, we’ll save the day at the last possible moment; like we always do. If he’s going to keep the second-highest ranked pony in Equestria out of the loop and treat the Elements of Harmony like a separate entity, then we’ll be making our own decisions anywhere the Panel hasn’t told us ‘no’.” Twilight shot a wicked grin at the other ponies. “I don’t recall Holdfast telling us we can’t interfere in a battle for Equestria’s future.”

Fluttershy knelt down next to Spike. “Twilight seems a little… scary today.”

“Two hours of sleep over three days will do that to a pony,” Spike replied. “Plus, she got a broken folding chair in the mail today.”

Fluttershy blinked. “What.”

“Besides,” Twilight continued, pacing around the room, “I have a feeling that ‘Beekler Alreeves’ is either another string clone of Purple Heart, or perhaps Purple Heart himself. If Wits beats him and he turns into dust, we’ll know he’s a clone.”

“And if he is Purple Heart?” Rarity asked.

“Then we’ll be stepping in to keep Wits End from becoming a smear on Ponyville’s outskirts.” Twilight paused, chewing idly on one of her wing feathers. “I just wish Moondancer would let me know if the spell works. With the two of them together, now would be the perfect time to hit them both at once.”

“The filterin’ spell?” Applejack scratched her head under her hat. “Why not hit’m with it anyway? It sounds like if it don’t work, then no harm done.”

“Sure, aside from the Princess of Friendship blasting the leaders of the two largest armies in Equestria with an unknown magic spell.”

Applejack frowned. “Yeah, that’d probably get P.I.S.S.’s attention.”

“So we simply wait?” Rarity asked. “Wait and watch as two of our friends beat each other senseless?”

Twilight stopped. “As much as I hate to say it: yes. But not from here. We’ll need to get out to the field.”

“Where the duel will take place?” Rarity cocked an eyebrow. “Won’t we have a better view from your castle?”

“If we do have to step in, we’ll want to be as close as possible. Besides,” Twilight opened the door with her magic, “there’s a fight happening in Ponyville. There’s gonna be a crowd.”

* * *

Purple Heart let out a sigh of exasperation. The field bordering the edge of Everfree Forest was empty save for himself, Generals Belisaddelus and Casus Belli, a pair of Royal Guard Pegasi Flyers, and several subordinate officers under the Generals’ direct command.

Wits End was late. The residents of Ponyville were peering out of their windows and doors, watching the assembly of military ponies and their current Regent. Shifting a little under their collective gaze, Purple Heart rolled his shoulders in a vain attempt to relieve the tension building there.

“Would you like a seat, your majesty?” Belisaddelus inquired. Purple Heart grinned at the general and shook his head.

“I’ve had to stand and walk for hours on end in the past, General,” he replied. “A few minutes won’t hurt me. Now, quiet. I’m concentrating.” Belisaddelus shared a confused look with Casus Belli, seeing his own incomprehension mirrored in his counterpart’s eyes. Only Purple Heart could see the multitude of strings sprouting from all across his back and stretching up into the sky, heading off into one of three directions. A few more minutes and his back up would be ready for anything the minty ‘Strategos’ had planned.

“Your majesty, look!” one of the pegasi called, pointing to the south. The assembly of ponies turned, following the pegasi’s outstretched wing. Cresting over the treetops of Everfree, a number of armoured alicorns appeared. The lead alicorn banked hard over the field and the cadre behind them followed suit, sending gusts of wind that buffeted Purple Heart and his own coterie. Instead of landing however, the lead flyer soared away over Ponyville, eliciting cries of surprise and fear from the inhabitants. Doors and windows slammed shut as the denizens of the town hid from the circling alicorns.

“Why won’t they land?” Casus Belli muttered darkly as the cadre soared directly overhead and banked back over Everfree.

“This is what is called ‘posturing’,” Purple Heart replied. “I believe our challenger is declaring his superiority by using a ‘bit’, so to speak.”

“A ‘bit’, your majesty?” Belisaddelus questioned.

“Indeed.” Purple Heart raised his voice and boomed, “That had better be drum beats you’re humming, Wits. If it's ‘Ride of the Valkyries’, I’m going to drop kick you back to those dress-up nuts of yours.”

“Geez, go figure that the loud-mouth would have such a loud mouth.” A flight of alicorns broke off, landing a safe distance away from Purple Heart’s party. Wits End dismounted from one, with Trixie hopping off another, and the flight took to the air once again. “The ‘posturing’ serves double duty, by the way. It also keeps the rest of Ponyville inside and safe, since there’s only one flank here I want kicked.” He paused, looking over Casus Belli, followed by the rest of the guards. “I see we both brought an audience. Are you sure these are the ponies you want watching your royal beating?”

“Yes.” Purple Heart cocked his head. “Well, sorta... Kinda. They’re here in case something ruins our fight. Like an arrow or a spear or something.” He blinked once, looking over Wits’ shoulder. “Is that your fan club? They look too adoring not to be.”

Wits smirked. “Yeah, believe it or not, they’re here ‘cause they like me, and not because they’re doggidly following the word of the law to serve a 2-bit seat-warmer. What were you before? Like, 20th in line for the throne?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “I thought I was just the butler,” he replied. “Regent Blueblood’s reasoning for why he saw fit to name me his successor should he become unfit to perform his duties has continued to elude me since he stated his intention.” He shrugged again. “He must trust me for some reason.”

“Unlike me,” snapped Twilight as she strode toward the two colts, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Spike hot on her heels. Some of the inhabitants of Ponyville had resumed their overt spectating when Twilight appeared on the scene. Coming to a stop between Purple Heart and Wits End, she glared at the pair. “I’m going to say this just once: stop this madness now!”

Purple Heart and Wits End looked at the Princess of Friendship, then at each other, back to Twilight, back to each other, then back to Twilight.

“Nah,” they chorused, stepping towards each other.

Twilight sighed, then shrugged. “Well, I tried.” She stepped back towards her friends.

With a glint from his horn, a dozen spectral hands surrounded Wits. “By the time this is done,” he said with a smirk, “I think you’ll be back to being the Purple Bruise.”

Green threads burst from Purple Heart’s back and coalesced into a massive fist and for once, was visible for all to see. “I wouldn’t count on it,” Purple Heart replied. “A Master Hand fight sounds like a smackdown in my favor. I’ve got quality over quantity.”

Both combatants inhaled deeply as they met on the field.

“Prêt… ALLEZ!”

* * *

The two stared at each other for a few moments without moving. Light Patch faked a cough into his hoof. “You didn't think this far ahead, did you?”

“I was a little busy trying to get here first while avoiding the not so civil war going on. Congratulations on getting that part of your plan to work.” Moon Dancer gave a small clap.

“Only took two tries. I did have some good help with that too,” Light Patch replied modestly, letting the awkward silence roll back in.

“I don’t suppose I can simply talk you out of doing this?” Moon Dancer asked, earning a thoughtful look from Light Patch before he reached a hoof out and grabbed the Orb of Glacious.

“That's a ‘no’.”

“What's your real plan?” Moon Dancer asked carefully, trying to get herself closer without him noticing fully.

“Tell you what Moony-I bet that’s what Pinkie would call you-why don’t you tell me what you’ve figured out and I’ll fill in the gaps?” Light Patch suggested with a smile. He leaned on the Orb which was floating in the air in front of him.

“Why do villains always want to see how much we’ve figured out?”

“I figure the ones that do that think they're smarter than everyone else. They crave the chance to tell others how dumb and wrong they are. I just want to know how well I was hiding my end game,” Light Patch answered, earning a derisive snort from Moon Dancer.

The mare took a moment to plan out her words before beginning to speak. “Your original plan seemed like it was to ‘simply’ make a portal. Then you changed it when you realized how easily the portal could be used to manipulate universes, possibly pulling them closer to reduce magic strain and letting them open and stay open more. But, I think you’ve changed the plan again. I didn’t have time to figure out this most recent twist.”

“Not only can you bring them closer,” Light explained, “but you could, in theory, merge them. A little spark of a random idea and thinking of the Hydra’s plan gave me the idea of merging my home universe with this one. We could be Solar neighbors. In fact with a little bit of manipulation I think we could fold every universe together. Don’t tell me you’re not tempted to get a chance to meet your favorite characters from fiction.”

“And risk having another solar system appear in ours for taking that chance?”

“It’s like making an Angel Cake. You don’t just dump it in and mix it all up. You gotta carefully fold it in.”

“I don’t think you can equate baking to stellar physics,” she muttered quietly.

“You gotta fold those whites in or everything falls apart… or undergoes nuclear fusion, which will ruin all of the angel cakes forever.”

“What I really don’t get is what you need the Orb for?” she demanded, dragging them back to the important topic.

“It’s simple. Power”

“You’re going to power the portal with souls?” Moon Dancer asked, freezing in her surprise.

“No, with the artifact. It’s already broken. Trying to use this sucker would probably blow it up at this point. But tell me you can’t feel the power this thing is humming with,” Light Patch said, holding the Orb off to the side. Moon Dancer’s eyes narrowed.

“I know and that’s why I’m going to stop you,” she declared as her horn lit up, dumping all of her magic into the spell she’d been mentally preparing for. Light Patch realized a fraction after her horn lit up that moving the artifact from between them was a bad idea. He tried to re-interpose the artifact between them to get her to fizzle the spell. But his hoof started to move just as a beam shot from her horn. This panicked reaction resulted in his second critical mistake as the artifact was finished moving just to catch most of the spell with only a little glancing off to strike him.

Light Patch grunted and staggered back a pace. He looked at the Orb. “We really lucked out at that not breaking the-” The Orb threw out a massive pulse of energy, slamming the grey pegasus into the ice pillar. The last thing he saw before blacked out was the Orb dropping to the scaffolding where it split in two.

* * *

“I-incredible…”

Belisaddelus took in the sight before him. What had been a plain, open field looked more like a battlefield after three straight days of consistent combat. Craters like those left by unicorn artillery groups were scattered as far as the eye could see, forming an invisible barrier between the site of the duel and the watching crowd.

“All of this,” Belisaddelus breathed, “from just two ponies.”

“Yeah.” Twilight sighed. “This is gonna be a pain to clean up.”

“C-clean up?” Belisaddelus blanched. “This is like a battlefield between the Princesses themselves! If anything, this should be commemorated as a national landmark.”

“One caused by two national pains in my flank,” Twilight grumbled. “At least they’re not putting everything they could into it.”

The general’s eyes looked like they could pop out of their sockets at any moment. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means no-pony is using an overpowered gauntlet or turning into a Timberwolf.” Twilight shrugged. “I guess I should be happy that they’re just using their-”

She was cut off by a spray of dirt from the battlefield. “... fists. Watch your aim, would you!”

Wits End rolled to his hooves. “Little busy!” With a yelp, he vanished a moment before Purple Heart’s fist slammed into the space he’d been occupying. “You couldn’t pull at least one punch?!”

“We both have our own collection of onlookers that are highly invested in our respective victories,” Purple Heart answered, splitting the massive fist into dozens of smaller undulating limbs, “and you think pulling punches is a good idea?” The weave of green fists swarmed Wits End, sending the unicorn squeakily dancing backward. One solitary fist held back by Purple Heart’s head. “There. Pulled a punch. Happy?”

“Not really!” Wits grit his teeth. This is bad, he thought, throwing out his own flurry of fists to keep Purple Heart at bay. One of those big fists would be a good way to go down, but if I got K.O.’d without landing a few good hits of my own, the Alicorn’s won’t take it well. I need this to be a close defeat, not a ROFLstomp.

The unicorn’s eyes gleamed as he saw Purple Heart shift his weight, ready to advance like a rank of Earth Pony Cavaliers. But if I catch him before he gets his momentum up… Wits kicked off, throwing himself towards the regent. It was only a moment of surprise in Purple Heart’s eyes, but it was all Wits would need as he summoned another fist.

A pulse of energy washed over the rooftops of Ponyville, and straight into the dueling ponies. Purple Heart, hooves still firmly planted on the ground, took the buffeting force with a grimace. Wits End, however, had no such luck. The wave wasn’t enough to blow him off course, but it was enough to slow him down.

Just enough time for the Purple Barbarian to steady himself.

Growling at the sudden wave of energy that crashed over the field, Purple Heart glared balefully at Twilight. A smile twisted his lips in a cruel sneer when he saw the look of panic on her face. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Wits End dazedly regain his footing. With speed belying his size, Purple Heart dashed towards his stunned opponent and grabbed him with his strings. Holding the mint-colored unicorn over his head, and deaf to the panicked string of ‘nope’s spilling from his mouth, Purple Heart turned towards the assembly of alicorns and made eye-contact with the lead officer.

“Well,” he rumbled. “How do you want to do this?”

The lead alicorn shifted worriedly. “Preferably peacefully?”

Purple Heart grinned widely. “Nah.” With a blur of green, Wits End hit the ground hard. As his strings receded, Purple Heart looked down at the stunned unicorn.

“Stay down,” he hissed, turning away from the painful wheezing drifting up from the pulverized crater.

Wits stared up at the sky from his newly created crater. One hoof twitched as he took a breath of stinging air. As far as he could tell, nothing was broken; just very, very bruised. I guess he can pull punches after all, he thought. He considered pulling himself out of the hole, but decided against it for the moment. Maybe the ROFLstomping will work out after all. That was a pretty decisive blow. If I don’t get up, maybe they’ll think I was well and truly bested. A weak smile formed on his face. It’s not the way I planned it, but I’ll take it.

“Dishonor!”

The smile slipped off Wits’ face and sunk into the dirt. All of these hands, and I can’t catch a single break.

Iron Maiden landed in a flurry of wingbeats, leveling an accusing hoof at Purple Heart. “This is a farce! The terms of the duel clearly stated that there would be no outside interference! Yet the moment the Strategos took the upper hoof, you summon some sort of external magic! Is this what you Equestrians consider a fair fight, you scoundrel?”

Purple Heart turned away from his generals and looked back across the field at where Iron Maiden stood. “Amongst some circles, yes, this was considered a fair fight,” he replied. “But honestly, I must deny your accusation of my utilizing an external variable to skew this combat in my favor. Quite frankly, it was probably a puff of cloud or something.” He waved a hoof vaguely in Twilight’s direction. “What you fail to consider is the condition of your strategos. He is a thinker. Not a fighter. Were this a Battle of Wits, I would have actually needed to consider the wine in front of me. But it wasn’t. It was a duel of physical talent… with the added benefit of some extraneous abilities. And yes, the ‘Battle of Wits’ bit was a pun.”

“Your wordplay won’t fool me, knave!” Iron Maiden growled. “That magic clearly came from the direction of your capital! Do you expect me to believe that no-pony would watch their ruler fight in a battle such as this without some plan to tip the scales in their favor?” She shot a glare at Twilight. “Perhaps your false alicorn couldn’t stand the thought of her lover being wounded, and so set up a contingency for just such an occasion!”

Twilight found herself choking on a particularly difficult piece of oxygen. “What?!”

“In the face of this treachery,” Iron Maiden continued, “I, Iron Maiden of the Second Alicorn Diarchy, must demand your immediate surrender!”

Purple Heart blinked. “You wish to surrender to me?” he asked. “Very well. I accept.”

Iron Maiden stared at him. “That’s not what I said, and you know it. Now you’re just being difficult.”

With a smirk and a low bow, Purple Heart said, “guilty.” He straightened and his disposition shifted, his face taking on a grim countenance as he looked at Iron Maiden. “However, I expected some displeasure with the outcome of this duel. So I provided myself a little insurance.” With a flex of his shoulders, a pillar of green threads burst from his back and shot straight up, piercing the clouds above Ponyville. A pulse of green energy blossomed at the peak of this sudden emerald spire and cascaded out in all directions. Several seconds of silence passed as all eyes were glued to the green tower sprouting from Purple Heart’s shoulders. Then a distant rumble was heard from within Everfree Forest.

“Ehm, your majesty?” Belisaddelus asked. “What was that?”

“Reinforcements.” The spire vanished back between Purple Heart’s shoulder blades as the rumble grew louder as whatever was in the forest drew closer. Just as the rumble reached a crescendo, Purple Heart looked at Iron Maiden.

“Iron Maiden of the Second Alicorn Diarchy!” boomed Purple Heart. “I, Purple Heart, Regent of Equestria, deny your request for surrender! The shroud of your invasion shall fold under our retaliation!” The sound of cracking timber and shuddering leaves drew all eyes to the treeline of Everfree Forest as rows of glowing green and gold armour tramped out onto the field. Once more, strings sprouted from Purple Heart’s body and lifted him up above the approaching army. Once the center of the formation drew perpendicular to the Regent’s floating form, the suits of armour halted and left-faced, their empty helmets pointing to the alicorn group.

Purple Heart grinned widely over his army as answering beacons of green energy surged upward to the northwest and northeast. “Flyers,” he barked, addressing the two pegasi in his coterie. “Inform Colonel Hathi and Commander Skykicker: begun the Clone War has.”

Iron Maiden looked into the darkness of the armors’ visors. “597th!” The remaining alicorns landed around her, forming into neat rows. A nervous energy ran through their ranks: instinctively, they could tell that these suits of armor were a worthier fight than the soft Equestrian guardsponies they’d fought so far. “Equestria falls before the guard will!” She raised a hoof, tension building amongst her fellows.

“Hold.” The voice was a rough whisper. Iron Maiden looked back to find Wits End standing behind her. He winced as he stepped forward, his eyes set on a point behind the suits of armor. “We’re pulling back.”

“What? But, Strat-”

“I said,” Wits said, his voice clearing, “pull back. We haven’t lost yet, so let’s save the last stand for a better place.” His gaze shifted to Purple Heart. “I’ll call you out on stealing the Armoroids another time. For now, I’ll just wish you good luck.”

Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “Kinda strange to wish your enemy good luck on the battlefield, isn’t it?”

“Oh, it’s not for the battlefield.” Wits looked back behind the ranks of empty armor, to the confused members of Equestria’s military command. “It’s for coming up with a good excuse for them.” With a smirk, Wits waved a hoof to the regent. “Don’t worry. I believe in you. I’m sure Twilight will help you out.” A summoned hand helped him onto Iron Maiden’s back, and with a sharp order from the alicorn, the entire group took to the air.

Purple Heart hung there, watching the alicorn force flap away to their base. With a scowl, he descended to ground level and turned to address the battalion of armour. “Protect Ponyville from reprisal and await further orders,” he instructed. The battalion stamped their armoured hooves once and split down the middle for him to pass through. Upon reaching where his generals stood, Purple Heart looked over at Twilight approaching with Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike.

“So you were Purple Patches, Baelhart, Beekler Alfreeves, and Purple Heart all at the same time?” Rarity asked heatedly.

Purple Heart grinned and nodded. “Acting.”

“Wait a minute,” Casus Belli muttered. “You’re that upstart producer from all those months ago that wanted backing for that theater show!”

Purple Heart grinned and nodded. “Acting.”

“What’s stopping me from knocking you out right now and dragging you back to my castle?” Twilight snapped.

Purple Heart’s smile vanished and strings sprung out of his chest, binding the Mares and Spike as the entire battalion of Empty Armour turned to face the Princess of Friendship.

“I’d love to chat with you all,” Purple Heart said tightly, “but I’m not sure it would be pleasant for you.” He turned to Belisaddelus and Belli. “I’m sure you both have questions and I will be happy to answer them when we return to Canterlot, but I first need you to gather the battalions of Guard Ponies stationed in the hills behind Twilight’s Castle and beneath Lake Saddlai and bring them to Ponyville.”

The two generals shared a hesitant look, but eventually bowed to Purple Heart with mutters of ‘your majesty’ and departed, leaving Purple Heart alone with his battalion and the restrained Mares and Spike.

“Now, I’m going to let you all go and I’m going to go back to Canterlot to prepare for whatever mess Wits tries to throw at me while dealing with whatever shenanigans Light has cooking up north.” The large purple earth pony let loose a gusty sigh and shook his head. “I also have to prepare to address Observation Post 9983, explain myself to the generals, keep Blueblood in his room, and stomp this invasion of alicorns out. I’m swamped.”

Purple Heart then turned and started walking away. “I must get some rest. If I haven’t got my health, I haven’t got anything.” Four stout ropes of thread arced from Purple Heart’s back and he strode quickly away, leaving the Mane Six minus Two and Spike alone beside the silent formation of Empty Armour. Seconds later, their bindings loosened and they immediately started walking towards Twilight’s castle.

“Why ain’t we goin’ after Purple Heart?” Applejack asked. “The four’ve us could take’m, couldn’t we?”

“Maybe,” Rarity mused. “But that would once again leave Equestria without a leader. The Panel would likely object to Twilight taking the throne if she were the one behind dethroning Purple Heart.”

“Politics is harder than trying to balance a dozen apples on the end of a fishin’ rod…” Applejack muttered.

Spike dashed ahead and turned back, walking backwards to keep up with the rest of the ponies. “Don’t you get it? This is the secret plot Fluttershy kept saying Wits End had! He got Purple Heart to reveal himself! Now all of Ponyville knows who he really is!”

“And if there’s anywhere in Equestria that can spread a rumor,” Rarity continued for him, “it’s Ponyville. Twilight-”

“I know.” Twilight cut her off, pushing the doors of her castle open. “We have options from here, but first we need to plan. For now, let’s just let everypony spread the facts.”

Fluttershy raised a forehoof. “And, um, what facts are those?”

Twilight smiled faintly. “That the regent of Equestria summoned a bunch of scary threads from his back, has an army of soulless suits of armor under his command, and had the Elements of Harmony strung up while he monologued.”

* * *

Light Patch blinked awake after what he hoped was only a few minutes. He looked up to find himself at the foot of the ice spire that had once contained the artifact. His mind jolted and he hastily set about searching through the powdered ice for the Orb. Oor at least it’s halves, he remembered bitterly. He found them surprisingly far from the spire and near a just stirring Moon Dancer.

“I’ll take these,” he said, picking up the two halves and prompting Moon Dancer to jump to her hooves and face him. “I’m surprised the spell did enough to the Orb to let it break. Just what were you trying to do to me?”

“It was supposed to de-villianse you,” Moon Dancer admitted as she avoided eye contact with the pegasus, which was much harder than she thought given the damage to the cloak and robe.

“I’m hardly a villain. Maybe a bit megalomaniacal.” Moon Dancer politely coughed, “Okay, somewhat mega-” Moon Dancer coughed less politely. “I just want to fold the multiverse together like a giant paper crane! it’s not like I’m looking to just burn all of reality to the ground! I’m just trying to better the universe and you hit me with some spell!”

“It was also new and untested,” Moon Dancer said off-hoofedly as she reached out and adjusted how the pegasus was holding the Orb halves to get a closer look.

“That's not much better! And hooves off! My broken artifact of doom!”

“Just hold it in the light better, I’m trying to figure out why the spell damaged it,” Moon Dancer replied hotly.

“Why?”

“Because figuring out what the spell did to further damage the artifact could help me help Twilight finish it.”

“And I should help you finish the spell you want to use against me because?”

“You enjoy not being split into two halves of the same pony?”

“...That is a hard point to argue against.”

“I believe that artifact belongs to us ponies!” A pair of voices bellowed into the room, causing the two ponies to quickly turn to face them. The two bandit leaders stormed into the room, neither of them looking untouched by the battles they had fought through to get to the dig site themselves.

“Carp, I was hoping to be gone before they could get here,” Light Patch groused.

“Hah, you again?” The griffon leader barked out. “I can’t believe the joke was true!”

“Didn’t you learn your lesson the first time?” The minotaur leader said, failing to hide his own mirth.

“Yeah, don’t rush building the tension. Make sure you have smart people helping you and be ready to crack skulls should the time come. Speaking of which!” Light Patch gave a cry as he grabbed the mostly intact remains of one of the folding chairs and tried to hurl it at the leaders. Instead, it scattered to pieces in several directions.

“Bad throw, pony. But on the upside, I’ll get to have fun helping you learn your lesson again,” the griffon leader sneered, slowly stalking forward.

“We’ll get to have fun,” the minotaur chimed in, also moving forward with a sadistic grin twisting his mouth.

The grey pegasus leaned slightly to Moon Dancer and whispered for her to plan fast before he trotted ahead to keep the bandit leaders focused on him and said, “I thought you two weren’t allies anymore. Shouldn’t you two fight for the honor or glory of beating me up again?”

“There is no honor in beating up an idiot for the second time, or the first.”

“And glory is only worth those not looking to be feared.”

“Fair points. Just don’t expect me to go down as easy as you want this time around. Or have you already knocked each other senseless to not remember what you’ve seen me do in disguise?” the pegasus jeered. A smug smile grew on his face as they stopped in their tracks.

“Well, at least it would be more interesting than the mashing we gave you the first time,” the griffon leader thought aloud.

“Then do you really think you can beat me?”

The minotaur’s smile shifted from sadistic to anticipatory. “Maybe there will be glory in this battle. Fighting stronger can grant that even if you lose.”

“And there are still the two of us?” the griffon asked, earning a nod from the minotaur leader who then chimed in.

“We might not win, but that just means you won’t mind if we try, do you?”

Light Patch fought to keep the smile from faltering but managed, “Well, you may want to wait for you both to have a chance to rest, but we might as well make this fight all it’s worth, right?” He smiled hungrily at the two leaders pause in thought.

“I think I’d rather do it while my army watches. Besides, you’d just skip out with the Orb or what’s left of it if we let you,” the griffon leader said. The occupants in the room could now hear the sounds of others approaching the cavernous pocket in the ice cave.

“I’m going to need more time for a new plan,” Moon Dancer whispered, her tail flicking in annoyance.

“I don’t think we’re gonna have it,” Light Patch whispered back. His mind raced as he closed his eyes, seemingly getting ready for the fight. The two leaders stepped forward as their bruised and battered hordes gathered in a ring around the three fighters.

Suddenly, Light Patch burst into action, scooping up the two halves of the Orb of Glacious and throwing them at the two leaders before whipping around to charge right at Moon Dancer. The bandit leaders dropped their weapons to catch the halves. They looked up to shout for their bandits to catch the ponies but the moment Light Patch slammed into Moon Dancer, they both vanished in a puff of smoke. The two leaders stood fuming in silence for a few moments before looking down at the halves of the Orb they each held.

* * *

The hands of the clock on Twilight’s wall ticked slowly. Annoyingly, they seemed to slow down the longer she watched them. The alicorn had given up at tapping her hoof in time with the rhythmic noise and had settled in on a dull, mindless trance instead.

A trance that was broken by a rap on the door. “Twilight?” Spike asked. “Whhhhat are you doing?”

Twilight didn’t take her eyes off the clock. “Would you believe me if I said I was running an experiment?”

“After watching the other experiments you’ve run over the years? Yeah, probably.”

A smirk crossed Twilight’s lips, and she straightened back in her seat. “The duel was about half an hour ago, right?”

“Something like that. Why?”

“That means there’s been plenty of time for ponies to come out of their homes and talk to each other, right?”

Spike cocked his head to one side. “Like… about the fight?”

“The fight, and what happened afterwards. Bleeker being revealed as Purple Heart, the suits of armor, our little… conversation afterwards.”

“I mean, I guess the ponies watching the fight would’ve seen all that, so yeah.”

Twilight glanced back at the clock. “How long does it take for a rumor to spread from one end of Ponyville to the other?”

Spike blinked. “Uh… I mean, I haven’t really timed it or anything. Maybe a week? A couple of days.”

Twilight held up a hoof. A few moments later, there was a wail from outside the window. “About 32.7 minutes,” she said smugly, walking to the window. “What’s wrong, Daisy?”

“Oh, Twilight!” the mare outside cried. “Have you heard the awful news? It’s just terrible!”

Twilight shot an ‘I told you so’ look back at Spike, then affixed her best surprised expression. “Why, no I haven’t! What is it?”

“Well, you know the big fight just outside of town? The regent fighting that dastardly commander of that army of alicorns?” Daisy didn’t wait for Twilight’s response before the mare launched into a breathless spiel. “Well, I heard from Lemon Hearts, who heard it from Cloudkicker, who was having lunch with Parasol, who ran into Ditzy Doo in the market, who-”

“Through the grapevine,” Twilight interrupted. “I get the idea.”

“Well! Apparently Sweetie Drops was in the crowd watching the whole thing! And according to her, the regent was actually a Changeling in disguise! He used some sort of dark magic to summon a bunch of demons from Tartarus to fight off over a thousand of those alicorns! Why, Merry May said that the whole westerly orchard was completely demolished by the fight! And… well, you have my sympathies, but I must confess that she said that the Changeling King had you and the other Elements of Harmony chained up with dark magic, and was trying to put you under his control like he did to the generals of the Royal Guard! Are you alright, Twilight? He…” Daisy seemed to think of something, and shy back. “He didn’t actually put you under his control, did he?”

Twilight shot another smug look back at Spike, who responded with a roll of his eyes. “Of course he didn’t, Daisy,” Twilight replied. “The power of friendship protected us.”

“Oh thank Celestia, wherever she is now.” Daisy breathed a sigh of relief, all concerns apparently forgotten. “That’s good to know. It’s so hard to tell whose word to trust right now, what with all of the rumors flying around.”

“Oh, I’m sure, I’m sure.” Twilight thought for a moment. “Out of curiosity, does Rarity know about all of this?”

Daisy scoffed. “Of course! She’s the first pony I talked to after Lemon Hearts told me. Rarity confirmed everything the moment I told her; said it was exactly how it happened.” Her ears perked up. “Oh! I should tell Lily Valley and Rose! Sorry, princess!”

Twilight waved as the excited mare took off. “The corollary to my previous theory,” Twilight explained to Spike’s confused expression. “Any rumor of sufficient size must, by necessity, pass through Rarity. It’s how we know that the rumor’s reached critical mass.”

“Ignoring the fact that you’re talking about a rumor like some sort of viral infection,” Spike said, “what does ‘critical mass’ mean in this case?”

“That it’ll start spreading outside Ponyville soon enough.” Twilight’s smile grew wider. “And usually, when Patient Zero is Ponyville, then Patient One is Canterlot.”

Spike let out a low whistle. “You’ve got this down to a science, huh?”

“Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been the Princess of Scientific Theory. But, I guess ‘Elements of Harmony’ has a better ring than ‘Methods of Rationality’.” She sighed and rolled her shoulders. “Anyway, what’s up? Did Just Duty send me some of the stuff from Purple Heart’s clones’? Not that I really need it now, I guess.”

“No, just a letter from Moon Dancer.”

Twilight’s eyebrows just about merged with her mane. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”

Spike produced a rather ragged-looking letter from behind his back. “Because you were staring at a clock with an expression usually reserved for Pinkie Pie when the town runs out of sugar.”

Twilight took the letter, her expression souring as she scanned the hastily written text. “The spell… failed? Entirely? And it broke the Orb of Glasious?” She did a double-take, jumping back up a paragraph. “They found the Orb of Glasious?” Twilight then performed the rare triple-take. “THEY BROKE THE ORB OF GLASIOUS?”

“I’m… guessing that’s bad?”

“I could go into all of the reasons why that shouldn’t even be possible, but for now let’s just say ‘yes, it’s very bad’.” Twilight returned to the letter with a frown. “We don’t even have a good reason why it didn’t work, aside from hitting the Orb. But the spell should’ve still affected Light Patch since he was holding it. But it obviously didn’t, or at least not entirely. Maybe we could just hit them a couple dozen times, but if it splits them like it split the Orb…”

Spike raised a claw. “Split like ‘good side and bad side’?”

“Split like ‘left side and right side’.”

“...Ah.”

Twilight set the letter aside, holding her forehoof in front of her mouth. “I have to be missing something here. The spell should have used the energy Moon Dancer provided to target Light Patch and whatever elements of Just Duty were influencing him, and seperate the two. But instead, it broke the Orb, which sent out a magical energy pulse all the way to Ponyville. Why?”

Spike scratched at his chin. “Huh... I need to read that one again,” he muttered, drawing Twilight’s attention.

“Read what one again?”

“Volume 37 of the Artifact Hunters comics. It’s a spinoff of the Paladin comics focused on a secret member of theirs who collects old artifacts for them.”

“Oh, a comic book… Spike, why are you thinking of comics now?”

“I think because I remember the Orb coming up in it once or twice, but Volume 37 was actually about a couple of lower powered artifacts. Long story short, it was all in the lock up vault and a bunch of artifacts started to activate without reason and hurt a couple of the ponies who worked there. They thought it was another broken artifact that was leaking power, but it actually turned out to be a third artifact that was causing trouble because it was trying to protect itself from the broken artifact. It was my favorite in the whole series, weirdly enough.” Spike scratched his chin again as he thought about where in his collection it had gotten.

Twilight meanwhile was once again thinking about why the spell failed. Or did it fail? she asked herself. Moon Dancer’s letter mentioned that Light’s powers seemed to be acting up after the spell hit him and after the Orb’s power hit him too. She frowned. It was probably just the Orb’s power wave messing with his power, much like it seemed to throw Wits End off. Why did the Orb even do that? In all likelihood, it should have just exploded and we’d be calling the Far North ‘the Far Crater’... She puzzled over her thoughts for a moment until she noticed out of the corner of her eye Spike pulling another box of comics from a closet.

“How many closets do you have your comic collection stashed away in?” she asked, rolling her eyes. She thought back to what Spike had told her about Volume 37. The Orb’s pulse happened after the spell hit it, and after it hit Light Patch. It the spell broke it, shouldn’t it have pulsed before the spell could hit Light? The pulse might have come from the Orb, but was it really the Orb’s doing?

“Hey Spike mind if I read volume 37?” she asked aloud.

“Sure, let me just…” Spike rifled through the collection. “34, 35, 36- Here we go! Volume 37!” The dragon stood, holding the comic in one claw. “Just be careful with it. This one’s part of the limited first run where they miss-colored Dirk Slamhoof’s mane.”

“I’ll treat it like an original copy of the Ponyvich Manuscript.” Twilight reached out with her gentlest touch of magic, plucking the comic from Spike without looking. “Now, I need you to take down a letter for Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. I need them back here in Ponyville as soon as-”

“Uh, Twi?” Spike’s voice wavered. “You, uh… Have you been studying Purple Heart recently?”

“Purple Heart? No more than the others. Why?”

“You might wanna look this way, then.”

Twilight looked up. Volume 37 of the Artifact Hunters hovered just over Spike’s head, suspended by a thin, green thread. Slowly, the alicorn followed the thread with her eyes to a point that, as far as she could tell, ended right between her wings.

“Huh.” Twilight took a deep breath. “That… is new.”

Chapter 39: We’re in the Endgame Now

Light Patch ducked around the corner of another back alleyway. He breathed heavily, glancing behind him to see the pair of Crystal Empire guards chasing him.

“Stop right there, Light Patch!” they shouted after him. Two other guards slid to a stop in an attempt to block the pegasus’ way. They raised their spears skyward once they’d noticed his wings, only to be greeted by his head as he plowed between them. Two simply vaulted over their dazed compatriots and continued after Light Patch.

The pegasus peaked behind and saw his hopes dashed at having lost his current pursuers. He looked forward just in time to barely swerve around a fruit stand, as well as second and third. The fourth stand was less lucky and he grazed it, knocking some of its fruit loose; and giving him an idea.

The fifth stand he hit intentionally, causing much of its produce to spill, creating a bit of a hazard near it but still giving the guards room to dodge. The sixth he tried to throw his power into to spread the hazard further. His intent was to spread the bananas over a wider area.

What he got was a warzone worthy of the mushy fruit of death as each banana exploded, throwing its mush and peel everywhere. Both guardsponies and their prey slipped and slid through the rest of the marketplace. His wings gave him enough of an advantage to stay on his hooves, unlike the Crystal Pony guards who quickly tumbled and slid through like wrecking balls. Their path of destruction ended when they collided with a wall on the far side of the fruit market.

Light Patch slid to a halt near them and, after shaking the mush from his hooves, posed over them a smug grin on his face. “Remember this as the-” He was cut off at the sound of a new patrol of guards pounding into the scene.

Light Patch was able to keep a decent lead, thanks to the new guards having to go around the mess in the fruit market rather than risking going through it. Feeling confident, he ducked around a corner and threw his magical effort into not being where he currently was. With a wheezing puff, he found himself chasing his pursuers.

The guards slid to a halt after they’d found the turn of the tables. “How did you get behind us?”

“Unfocused teleportation,” Light Patch answered before disappearing again.

Again finding himself behind the guards.

“You're not very good at this teleportation to escape thing, are you?”

“I’m usually a bit better with it than I am now,” the pegasus frowned.

“Seems like it’s working just fine to me,” one of the guards answered, as they jumped forward to grab him. With another wheezing puff, Light Patch appeared behind where they were currently looking. The noise of his hooves pounding on the cobblestones echoed once more.

Having still not seen any real defence for catching aerial targets, the pegasus decided to try being more airborne and float his way to victory. He closed his eyes and, with the trust and effort he was familiar with from his dreams of being able to float at will, raised his hooves up.

Immediately he could tell something was wrong. Normally when he raised his hooves, they stopped feeling the ground. Instead, he could still feel the ground passing below him. Light Patch opened his eyes and found that not only was he still scraping, but he was actually sinking. He watched as his power caused him to sink lower into the ground, and even began to carve a trench through the cobblestone road. He gave up on floating when the depth of the trench had reached his neck.

“You realise we’re going to be adding destruction of public streets to your list of crimes,” one of the guards said after having skidded to a halt next to him.

“Yeah,” the pegasus replied, “fair enough.”

“Do you need hel-” The guard had begun to ask before the pegasus teleported behind them again, and started to run. “I’m getting really sick of that!” he called, turning to continue the chase.

“Time to see if I still remember the flight controls,” Light Patch muttered, having given up on using his dysfunctional Discordian magic.

He turned a corner and opened his wings as he charged towards a row of buildings. With a few flaps and a hop, he managed to barely clear the roofs of the buildings and, with a rare spot of luck, found that his flight had put him right in front of the train station. He quickly ran inside to the ticket counter and bought a ticket for a train that was about to depart. Light Patch turned to face the train, only for Crystal Pony guards to enter the station.

Led by Shining Armor, whose eyes immediately honed in on him.

The two stood still staring each other down, before Light Patch’s eyes went wide and he pointed to a spot behind Shining Armor. “Look, it’s the oldest trick in the book!”

Shining Armor just raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t really think I’d have fallen for that, did you?”

“If my powers were working, there would have been a non zero percent chance,” Light Patch, stated rubbing one of his legs.

“From what Rainbow’s said, if your powers were working you wouldn’t be using the trains.”

“Hey, trains are cool.”

“Not as cool as airships.”

“The Transartica is.”

“I bet the skyliner Cloudsroam is cooler than it. Name two others,” Armor demanded.

“The Flying Scotsman, and any of the trains from either of the Iron Dragon board game editions,” Light Patch retorted, before looking at one of the doors opening behind Shining Armor. His expression of triumph dropped into a grimace. “Hi Rainbow,” he grumbled, looking down at one of his fore hooves. “Hi Cadance.”

Shining Armor looked behind himself to greet Cadence and Rainbow, but only found a couple more guards. Suddenly he heard Light Patch shout something, and he turned just in time to see the grey pegasus leap onto the train; just as it left the platform.

Light Patch turned to look at Shining Armor and waved a hoof. “Remember this as the day you almost caught Pegasus Light Pa-” His taunt was cut off by an arrow thudding into the wall of the caboose beside him. He glanced at the arrow, and then looked back at the departing platform to see Armor drop a bow out of his magical grip.

The pegasus plucked the arrow out of the wall and chucked it into the snow before turning and entering the train. He snuck through the train until he found a mostly empty car, dropping into a bench and looking out the window while he relaxed for a moment or two. A stallion in a uniform stopped and asked for his ticket, which Light Patch produced only to find a flower made of identical looking tickets.

With a yelp of surprise the pegasus shook his hoof, causing all but the original ticket or so he hoped to vanish. The stallion took the ticket with a hard look at Light Patch before taking his time in examining the ticket and, with a sigh of defeat, punching a hole in it and handing it back. Light Patch looked at the ticket as the hole multiplied to spell holes, and then went back to just the original hole.

“Okay,” the pegasus muttered as he looked at the ticket, “I’m going to need a new plan. And to deal with the fact that my powers are in revolt. That means I’m going to need a unicorn I can trust. So, I guess step one is to enlist Wits’ help.” He paused as he considered how short of a time his friend had been a unicorn.

“Okay a different unicorn. Twixie might-” Light Patch tried to say the mare’s name properly two more times before giving up. “Right, Discords enforced naming is active. Here’s hoping I don’t have to say her name while getting her help.” He sighed before finally continuing.

“Step one,” the pegasus muttered as he settled into his seat, “find Twixie and hope she can unfix whatever that spell was supposed to fix. Until then, my powers are my last resort. I don’t need them to teleport me into whatever jail cell Twilight is planning to lock me in.”

“Step two, I need a new battery with the orb broken and firmly out of my control.” He paused. “Maybe I can trick Twilight into helping me, or maybe there’s some other artifact I can get to.” A thought struck him as he saw a book one of the few other ponies in the coach car was reading. “Maybe I should check on Daring Do. I bet she’s looking for something.” He yawned and rested his head against the wall as he watched out the window. The pegasus fell silent, watching the snow pass by the window before a thought he really didn’t want to address passed through.

“I might not be able to fix my powers at all.” He sighed, deciding to deal with the thought now. “If so, I’ll need a unicorn or several to cast the spell for me.” His eyes stared unfocused at the scenery as his brain tried to sort through all of the potential unicorns he could think of.

Eventually, his fatigue caught up and his mind fell silent as he watched and listened to the train steaming down the tracks. He glanced around one last time before quietly saying “Remember this as the day you almost caught... Pegasus Light Patch.” He smiled as a rainbow arched over the Crystal Empire.

He was moments from falling asleep now as he traced the rainbow’s arc. His eyes finally shut; moments before the alarm bells in his brain went crazy and his eyes shot open again. The pegasus checked that none of the other passengers were watching as he forced his powers to disguise himself.

A coat appeared, covering most of him, and his coloration shifted to darker shades. He shoved his mane up into a hat as much as he could, and shifted seats just to make ponies assume that he hadn’t just put on a disguise. He sat in his new spot and watched the rainbow fade as his burst of energy faded with it, dragging him even lower than he had been.

“I really hope that was Rainbow and Pinkie coming to intercept the train,” he murmured, hearing the door to the carriage open behind him as he fell asleep, “or that was a lot of energy I just wasted.”

* * *

Upon entering the throne room in Canterlot Castle, Purple Heart sighed explosively. Events were progressing, but not nearly in the way the purple earth pony had hoped they would. Getting challenged by Wits End to a Duel of the Fates was unexpected, but suited the purple regent’s plans well enough. The encounter certainly lent his reveal of the Armor Guard a degree of spectacle.

On the other hand, Twilight’s presence there had rankled him far more than he’d let on. The leftover resentment from the conversation before his departure from Twilight’s castle so long ago reared again upon seeing the Princess of Friendship watching with impunity. Purple Heart was nearly certain that the wave of magic from on high was her doing. While it definitely gave him the opening to land a solid hit on Wits, it had set the minty unicorn’s posse of Power Puff Ponies raving at him. So, good and bad balanced out to nothing much at all.

Sagging onto the throne, Purple Heart rubbed at his eyes. This whole thing was getting out of hand.

“I need a nap,” he moaned. “I just can’t take it anymore. I need a na-”

“Your majesty? The speech writers are here for your address to Observation Post 9983,” said a guard pony, having just popped their head in through the doors at the end of the throne room. Purple Heart looked up and sighed.

“Send them in,” he ordered, straightening on the throne. The pony nodded, and the doors swung open for two ponies to trot in and make their way to where Purple Heart sat.

“Your majesty,” they greeted, bowing. Waving his hoof for them to raise their heads, Purple Heart took a moment to scrutinize his word crafters.

One was a stocky, brown earth pony with a receding mane-line of grey hair and a surly look on his face. The other was a slight blue unicorn with a roguishly parted short black mane that matched his grin.

“I presume you’re the recently hired writing directors?” Purple Heart asked slowly, his gaze switching between the two stallions. The unicorn nodded while the earth pony glared out the window.

“We are, your majesty. My name is Sam Seaborne and this is Toby Nagler,” he said smoothly. “You said you wanted a speech written up to address the pony’s at...” The blue unicorn paused, peering briefly at his notes. “...The Pie Family Rock Farm?”

“I did,” Purple Heart confirmed. “Do you have a rough draft with you already?”

“We do actually,” Sam replied, pulling a sheet of paper from a folder and profering it for Purple Heart to take. “I must warn you that it’s very rough.” Purple Heart took the paper and started reading.

A cough interrupted his reading and he looked up at Toby.

“Yes, Mister Nagler?” Purple Heart prompted. “Did you have something to add?”

Nagler looked away from the window and locked eyes with the purple earth pony. “No, your majesty,” he said gruffly. Nodding slowly, Purple Heart went back to reading, ignoring Seaborne’s uncomfortable shifting. Purple Heart was barely able to read another word when Nagler spoke.

“That was a lie, your majesty,” the earth pony corrected. “I do have something to say.”

Looking up, Purple Heart eyed the pair of ponies silently. With a silent sigh, he lowered the papers and nodded at Nagler. “Speak, then.”

Nagler cocked his head and an involuntary smile curved his lips. “Your majesty, I don’t know if you’re aware,” the earth pony said, “but what are you going to do about Princess Twilight’s claim that you restrained herself and her companions following your duel with the Strategos of the Second Alicorn Diarchy?”

Purple Heart blinked. “Uhm… nothing.”

Nagler blinked. “Excuse me?”

“I said no-”

“No, I heard that, your majesty,” Nagler interrupted. “I just couldn’t comprehend your choice to do NOTHING about the words of a fellow member of the Equestrian Monarchy! Words that don’t exactly show you in the best light!”

“But she’s telling the truth,” Purple Heart countered.

“I’m aware, your majesty, but I must implore you to release a statement clarifying the motive behind your actions of that occurrence!” Nagler retorted. “If I can’t control the message around here, how am I supposed to give you my support to counter the claims and declarations of individuals that don’t quite share your beliefs?!”

A frown creased Purple Heart’s brow and he stepped down from the dais to look Nagler in the eye. The two stallions stared at each other for a few seconds, ignoring Seaborne’s continuous nervous shuffling beside them.

“So I should lie to the public?” Purple Heart growled.

“Of course not,” Nagler scoffed. “That will polarize the populace against you even further. You summoned an army to protect them from the Diarchy, but they aren’t seeing that. They’re seeing the start of martial law being imposed. You don’t want them getting pissed off again.”

“From what you said, they already are,” retorted Purple Heart.

“Actually, they’re more scandalized,” interjected Seaborne. The blue unicorn stiffened minutely when both stallions turned to him. “R-rumours are circulating through the country that you’re in fact a Changeling attempting to take over the monarchy. What with that attempted coup in the Crystal Empire a few years ago, ponies are still a little skittish about Changelings.”

“But I’m not a Changeling,” Purple defended.

“They don’t care,” Nagler snapped. “Right now, the public is hearing only one story: Princess Twilight’s. Since you’re not saying anything about anything, they’re drawing their own conclusions.”

Purple Heart was quiet for several seconds as he digested Nagler’s words. Minutes passed until he looked down at the papers in his hoof, then back up at the two writers.

“Then what do you propose I do, Mister Nagler?” Purple Heart inquired slowly. A drip of tension leaked from the brown earth pony’s frame.

“Release a statement to the public,” Nagler said. “Give your side of the story. Making ponies discuss.” He shrugged. “Then, while they’re busy talking, end this conflict with the Diarchy.”

Purple Heart nodded slowly. “Sounds planlike,” he muttered to himself. He looked at Nagler and Seaborne. “Do it. I want a rough draft in an hour.”

The two ponies nodded and bowed. Waving a hoof in dismissal, Purple Heart walked back up the dais to the throne and sat, watching as Nagler and Seaborne left. With a sigh, the purple regent leaned his head back.

“Just a few minutes,” he murmured drowsily.

“YOUR MAJESTY!” boomed Casus Belli as he flapped into the throne room with Belisaddelus following close behind him.

“Oh fu-”

“Care to explain to me HOW IN TARTARUS you managed to scheme your way from lowly theater producer to REGENT OF EQUESTRIA!” roared the stout red pegasus.

Purple Heart rolled his head forward to blink blearily at the new intruders. “I’m not going to get that nap I want anytime soon,” he groaned. With a huff, he straightened, peering down at a blusterous Casus Belli and a silent Belisaddelus.

“Do you want the long answer or the short answer?” drawled Purple Heart.

“The long one!” replied Belli. “And no lies!”

Eyes rolling, Purple Heart stood. “Okay, fine.” He inhaled deeply and spoke.

“My name is Purple Heart. I’m a human that Discord pulled from another dimension to slot into a pseudo Dungeons and Dragons game with two friends of mine and the Mane Six. We started out separated, but eventually found our way back to one another and met each other for the first time in a town named Roads Crossed. After fighting off an incursion of bandits, we...”

The two generals stood there, jaws loosely hanging open as Purple Heart rattled on and on for several minutes. Every once in a while, they’d try to get a word in but were always shouted down by the purple earth pony.

After ten minutes, Belisaddelus turned to his fellow general. “Do you think he might be a bit touched in the head?” he asked.

Not breaking his gaze from the rambling monarch, Belli replied out of the corner of his mouth, “Clobbered instead of touched, more like.”

“...then I woke up in the Badlands, found some Elephants, talked them down from raiding a village, and then got my flank dragged to Twilight’s castle so that she could send my friends and I back home. But instead, she thought we needed rehabilitation, thus choosing to put us in stressful situations that didn’t help our mental states at ALL. Dunno how Light and Wits got around to it, but villainy seemed like a good coping mechanism and we all scarpered to do our own dastardly deeds.”

He gestured to Casus Belli. “You witnessed part of mine personally: Piss of the monarchy and frame Discord for it. Which, while nice, was too short haul, so I infiltrated the senate, created a group to hamstring Twilight’s state-sponsored vigilante group, and put myself in control of things. That went a little sideways, so when I got fired and happened upon Blueblood, I decided to aim for the monarchy. Which succeeded. And now, here we are.”

Belli and Belisaddelus blinked in unison.

“I said no lies,” Belli said. Purple Heart shrugged.

“Fine. Walpony made me do it.”

Casus Belli advanced on the regent, wings flared with irritation.

“No. Lies.”

“Welp, dunno what I can do to convince you,” Purple Heart sighed. “So...” In the blink of a second, dozens of threads lashed out towards the two generals, cocooning both in seconds before either had a chance to squawk in surprise or cry for help.

“You two can join Blueblood. Thank Carp all I need is sushi to keep him docile,” Purple Heart mused, and the two bundles drifted away behind the throne. More threads burst forth and coalesced into two simulacrums that resembled Casus Belli and Belisaddelus perfectly.
Save for the glowing green eyes.

Pointing a hoof at the clone of Belli, Purple Heart ordered, “You take command of the battalion under the Smokey Mountains and liberate the western part of Equestria.” His hoof shifted to the clone of Belisaddelus. “You take command of the battalion in Fillydelphia and assault Baltimare. I’ll send a messenger with orders to Colonel Hathi to rendezvous with the Rock Farm Families to prepare for encircling the alicorn base camp in Ghastly Gorge. Go.” The two clones saluted briskly, departing even quicker, and Purple Heart was once again alone in the throne room.

With a groan, the beleaguered regent moved back up to the throne and sprawled in it.

“Running a country is stressful,” he groaned. “Twilight has a lot to answer for...”

* * *

Sol Eater looked across the map table at the assembled ponies. The last of the reports had come in, and the resulting changes to the map were…

“So,” Penumbra said plainly. “We assume this wouldst be where we begin our retreat, yes?”

“Retreating?” Mousetail bristled, fangs peeking out from behind her lips. “That’s it? One setback, and you just run with your tails between your legs?”

Penumbra’s expression remained implacable. “It hath nothing to do with our current situation; grim it may seemth. Terms were set before the duel, and by following those terms we must-”

“Who says we have to follow those terms?” Sol Eater asked, a strange smile on her face. “We have an entire regiment of witnesses who attest that Equestria’s champion cheated. As far as I’m concerned, the results of that duel are as useless as these new forces.”

“Those new forces,” Trixie cut in, “are thousands of autonomous suits of armor, puppeted directly by Equestria’s regent. These aren’t like the Royal Guard your ponies have fought before.”

Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “And how so?”

“These suits don’t feel fear, for one. You can’t intimidate them into surrendering.”

Mousetail leaned across the map table. “Then you just smash’m with magic! Ain’t you alicorns supposed to be good at that?”

“We art uncomfortable with this talk of eschewing our given word,” Penumbra repeated, her voice hard. “Perhaps we should reach a compromise. Contact the Equestrians and negotiate an amicable peace that retains our current lands-”

“Are you challenging my alicorns, little one?” Sol Eater interrupted, her eyes locked on the much smaller Mousetail. “Any one of them would be more than a match for a hundred empty suits of armor.”

“Like how a dozen of’m were more than a match for Celestia an’ Luna?” Mousetail shot back. She smirked at the snarl that spread across Sol Eater’s lips. “Maybe ya oughta rethink that ego of yers.”

“Enough!” Trixie’s voice resounded in the enclosed space, silencing the three ponies. “We won’t get anywhere if we start fighting each other and Equestria at the same time! Wits, what’s the plan?” She paused, then turned towards the last pony at the table. “Wits?”

Wits End had been leaning against the table since the last report had come in, eyes locked on the newly drawn lines of engagement. His brow was furrowed, his mouth drawn into a thin line. He tapped one forehoof against the edge of the table in a simple pattern; not loud enough to make noise, but constant.

Trixie felt a moment of concern stab at the back of her mind. “Wits?”

Another long moment passed before Wits spoke. “Well, we know where those extra supplies were going now.”

Sol Eater scoffed. “Is that really so important now?”

“It could be,” Wits said, almost idly. “It’s supplies that didn’t go to the Royal Guard. Look, see? They’re attacking from inside our borders, which means they’re effectively cut off from the rest of their forces. Insertion tactics only work if they can reconnect with their frontline. We just have to keep them encircled, and they’ll starve themselves out soon enough.”

“Suits of armor don’t need food, though,” Mousetail pointed out.

Wits went silent. “Hmm.”

Penumbra shared a glance with her sister, then turned her gaze on the stallion. “Strategos,” she said, her voice soft, but still forceful enough to break through Wits’ distracted reverie. “We hath given thou authority over matters of warfare, but thy actions of late have... lacked in comparison to thy previous accomplishments.”

“We just need to be more aggressive,” Sol Eater said. “Smash our way through to the capital and relieve their leader’s neck of the weight of holding up his head. Our strategos has spent too much time on the front lines, when his skill is in giving us the grand plan.” She turned toward Wits End slowly, a warm smile spreading across her face. “Let Penumbra and I lead the troops. I’ve been missing the feel of ponies under my hoof.”

Finally, Wits’ eyes lifted from the table and scanned over the faces of the other ponies. The disappointment of Penumbra. The barely restrained bloodlust of Sol Eater. The simmering anger of Mousetail. And the quiet concern of Trixie. He took a deep breath, and fixed his gaze forward. “Give me the room.”

Penumbra’s eyes widened. “Strategos?”

Sol Eater frowned. “Are you planning to give up-”

“You want a plan?” The sharp edge in Wits’ voice cut off any response. “We’re in the third act. This is the place where the story turns around, and we find out whether we’re on the side that wins, or the one that fades into quiet obscurity. So,” he straightened his back and forced a smirk onto his face, “you want a plan? I’ll give you a plan to turn this whole fiasco around. But I can’t do it with four ponies each telling me their idea of what the one way to do it is. Give me an empty room for one hour, and I’ll give you an end to this war.”

Sol Eater and Mousetail smiled. “Excellent,” Sol Eater purred. “That’s my little princess for you.”

Penumbra didn’t seem as won over, but nodded. “This is yet a matter of war,” she conceded. “We do hope that thou shalt find us a swift end to this conflict.”

“Oh, don’t worry.” Wits was already trotting to circle the table, taking in the new shape of the war. “If I have my way, we’ll have peace in our time well before we need a Hearth's Warming Ceasefire.” He motioned with his head towards the exit. “One hour. Chop chop.”

Mousetail gave Wits a wink and turned away, hurrying through the tent flap. The two alicorns followed shortly after, conversing in hushed tones. As Trixie moved towards the door, Wits cleared his throat. “I may be voicing some ideas out loud. Would you put a silence spell on the tent, just in case anypony’s listening?” He flashed a smile. “Thanks.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow, but nodded. She stepped outside, and a moment later Wits could see the telltale shimmer of her magical aura glimmering across the canvas. Once alone, he took a deep breath, and held it.

What came out was a sound that could only be described as ‘existential suffering’. “I was so clo-ho-hose!” Wits sobbed, as the last weeks of stress and responsibility finally caught up to him. “I thought that was it! The end of Wits End’s looooooong history of failing his way upwards in a war that had no business doing as well as it did!

“How? How do you manage to walk into a fight with the intention of losing, get your flank kicked so hard it takes up residence in Griffonstone, and still—AND STILL—walk away with a fight that hasn’t just continued- oh no, that would be too easy! But you walk away with a war that has ESCALATED BEYOND REASON! The war was supposed to end! Today! And somehow, just when I thought that nothing could prolong this fracas any longer than it’s already gone, Purple Heart manages to pull a surplus of scheiße out of his rear end, and give my side moral in the process!

“Iron Maiden? Iron motherbucking Maiden? And her consarked 597th Equestrian? Who’s bucking bright idea was that, huh? Got a bunch of zealots who think I’m Celestia’s gift to mares in uniform, followin’ me around like a pack of gorram nuclear puppies! What kind of brilliant idiot sees an army assemble out of nowhere, and decide that’s a good enough reason to fight even harder? Am I leading Alicorns, or Orks?

“And me? Oh, don’t even get me started on that prick. It takes a real moron to think that the answer to the question ‘how do I get my friends to like me’ is ‘start a war’. It takes an even bigger moron to try to lose the war and fail soooooo miserably. Who’s letting me still lead this army anyway? Every time I try to fail, this freakin’ army thinks it’s a brilliant ploy to catch the enemy off guard! Well guess what, buckaroo? The only one getting caught off guard is me!

By this point, Wits was draped over the side of the map table much in the same way that a discarded coat might be tossed over the back of a chair. “You have to end this. This has to stop! We ran out of luck weeks ago, Wits! And we’ve been running on fumes for Luna knows how long! You have to go out there and tell them. Face the music, Wits! ‘Cause your soooooooooong’s a-playin’! Deafeningly loud now! Just admit that victory was never an option! That this whole thing was just because you were too much of a coward to man up and apologize to Twilight for goading her into saying you were a villain! That all you ever wanted was the trust and affection of your closest friends, and you keep messing that up because the gremlins that make up your tiny brain can’t keep their disgusting little fingers off the ‘Ruin Wits’ Life’ button for five seconds! Tell them the truth! Tell them!”

A soft cough cut through the tension in the tent like a knife. Wits slowly, glacially, turned his head towards the entrance to find Trixie staring at him. The stallion rolled off the table and dusted off his coat. “I thought ‘give me the room’ was a pretty clear request.”

“You,” Trixie said flatly, “have some issues.”

“Ya caught on to that, did you?” Wits’ mouth formed a thin line. “How much of that did you hear?”

“From outside? Absolutely nothing. When I came back in to check on you?” Trixie seemed to think for a moment. “I believe you were saying something about nuclear puppies.”

“...Brilliant.”

Trixie’s expression softened. “How much of what you said was true?”

“Well, obviously the alicorns are just going along with what I’ve already told them, so I can’t exactly blame them for too much. Really, most of that was just me releasing the pressure-”

“I meant what you were saying at the end.” Wits stiffened as Trixie came closer. “About being a coward.”

Wits End couldn’t meet her eyes now. “I’ve… had some time to think about how I got here. Not just ‘here’ in this tent, but in this whole situation. There were a million ways I could’ve ended this, and I chose the worst one every time. It’s like… something in me either didn’t want me to lose, or wanted me to escalate all of this at every turn.” He sighed. “Like when I enchanted Sol Eater and Penumbra. I didn’t have to do that. They would’ve listened to me ‘cause they knew me and trusted me. But instead, I made them believe me implicitly, and go along with whatever I said. Same goes for Mousetail and the other thestrals. At every turn, when I could’ve made new friends, I instead made pawns.”

“Wits-”

“I did it to you too.” Wits’ voice was hoarse now, but he forced himself to look Trixie in the eye. “I never apologized for that. Even when you broke free from it, I made excuses to avoid taking any blame for it.”

Trixie shook her head. “You had a good reason-”

“I invented a good reason,” Wits interrupted. “Every problem I’ve had with Twilight, I engaged in it just as much as she did. She didn’t turn on me; I turned on her and pushed her to do the same. I’m not The Bad Guy, Trixie. I’m just a bad guy.”

The two of them were silent for a long while: Trixie watching Wits End, and Wits watching the floor by his hooves. Eventually, Trixie sighed. “Alright. What’re you gonna do about it?”

Wits blinked, looking up in confusion. “Huh?”

Trixie trotted next to Wits and leaned against the table. “Trixie has already gone through what you’re doing now. You did something bad. You convince yourself that it can never be outdone. You say it was all Twilight Sparkle’s fault. Then you throw yourself a pity party, and no-pony shows up because you didn’t invite anyone, because you don’t think you deserve them.” She waved a dismissive hoof, not really looking at Wits as she went on. “Then you bumble around for a while and make half-hearted attempts to make up for what you did, without ever confronting that original thing. Someday, you wake up and decide that you’re already the lowest scum in Equestria, so you might as well destroy yourself by making amends for your horrible mistake.”

She fell silent. Wits waited for a moment. “And then what happens?”

“You apologize, and realize that everypony else has already moved on. The only pony cursing your name all that time was you.” Trixie smiled at him. “Trixie is somewhat of an expert in this field.”

“Trixie the Apologetic and Self-Flagellant, huh? How long did that process take you?”

“3 years, give or take. I had to make a friend to get myself sorted out entirely.” Trixie put one foreleg around Wits’ shoulders. “Fortunately, you have the Great and Powerful Trixie, so this should be wrapped up pretty quick.”

A smile played at the corners of Wits’ mouth. “So… what’s the next step?”

“What do you think, genius?”

Wits’ smile fell for a moment, and he sighed heavily. “Make up with Twilight.”

“There you go.”

“But what about the war?”

“The war’s gonna keep happening whether you’re here or not, Wits. This wagon’s already rolling downhill and you’ve lost the reins. All you’re doing is trying to steer by leaning left and right.” Trixie forced him to look at her with one forehoof. “Get Twilight’s help, and I know that the two of you can end all of this in an instant.”

Wits chuckled. “Great. It’s Roads Crossed all over again.” He paused. “Uh, Trixie?”

“Yes?”

“Your face is awful close.”

In an instant, Trixie seemed to notice that the distance between their noses had closed to almost nil. She slid away to a respectable distance, covering her reddening face by adjusting her hat. “So, what’s the plan for Operation: Apologetic Mint?”

Wits blinked, then shook his head. “I need to get in contact with Twilight and explain everything that’s happened. No more secret plots; just coming clean and letting the chips fall where they may.” He frowned and rubbed his chin. “But if I disappear, Sol Eater will probably take over the army and get a bunch of ponies hurt. How am I supposed to talk to Twilight and keep the alicorns from imploding? And all of that while Purple Heart’s Armoroids push on us from all fronts. I need to keep all of these plates spinning, and get Twilight’s help at the same time… But just sending a letter to her will make her think it’s a trap. How do I explain all of this to Twilight without triggering her paranoia?”

Trixie nodded in thought. “Perhaps there’s one of the artifacts we gathered to build the portal that can help?”

“Unless you wanna vaporize Twilight’s castle with dark magic, I don’t think those will help. Besides, taking down the portal will turn the alicorns against us right away.”

“Then maybe there’s another artifact we can get to help. Even if it’s just as a peace offering.” Trixie stood in front of Wits and placed a forehoof on her chest. “How can I help, Wits? What can I get you that will help you with this?”

Wits fell silent. Trixie could almost feel his thoughts as they swirled around inside his head. Slowly, a smile formed on his face. Not the forced smirk he’d worn before, but the genuine smile of somepony who just heard a new answer to an old riddle. “Trixie, there is something you can get for me.”

Trixie’s ears perked up. “What is it?”

Wits steepled his forehooves in front of him. “Captured by the Elements of Harmony.”

The two ponies stared at each other. Wits’ smile had a confident, almost manic look to it, while Trixie’s ears slowly laid back down. Eventually, the mare broke the silence.

“What?”

Chapter 40: Drizzle

Purple Heart was sat upon the throne in Canterlot Castle, gazing at nothing. But for his breathing, the chamber was quiet. Far too quiet. Diegetic sound from outside was muffled. All Purple Heart could hear without straining his ears was his own breathing and heartbeat. Without blinking, a thread stretched from his shoulder to flick open a window, letting a gentle breeze and sounds of the outdoors in. Bird song echoed through the chamber and the tension in Purple Heart’s body left.

“Ye carpin’ heck,” he groaned, sagging back on the throne. “I’m starting to remember why I don’t play Paradox games. All this waiting around. Nothing ever happens unless there’s a notification to worry about.” Once his words stopped echoing around the chamber, Purple Heart went back to staring at nothing, letting the wind and bird song lull him into a near comatose state of peace and quiet.

Time passed and Purple Heart continued to stare blankly at nothing, mind devoid of all thought. Occasionally, a rogue or random thought would float through his head. Every single one refilled his body with tension and added to a mounting pile of stress that demanded release or attention at the very least.

The perturbed regent exhaled violently and stood, walked a few paces from the throne and lay down, tucking his forelegs under his chest. He remained seated in such a fashion for several seconds, only to grunt in annoyance and slump onto his side, his back presented to the entrance of the chamber. Time elapsed for a briefer period than before and he rolled onto his back, legs resting on his chest and flank as he let gravity take over. Barely a second passed when he stood, rolling sideways onto his hooves. His eyes raked over his body and a sneer curled his lips.

“Nothing’s comfortable,” he groused, sitting petulantly on his haunches. “I don’t get how ponies deal with it.”

“Your majesty! A word, if I may!”

Purple Heart looked up, brow furrowed at the owner of the shrill declaration. A spindly female unicorn walked hurriedly towards him, trailed by a pair of earth ponies carrying sheaves of papers who in turn were pursued by a trio of royal guards; presumably the ones the intruders had slipped past.

“Your majesty! It is urgent that I speak with you!” the female unicorn cried as she skidded to a halt before the dais, dipping her head in a hasty bow to the monarch.

“Clearly,” Purple Heart drawled as he stood tall before his ‘subjects’, “as it somehow lent you credence to barge directly into the throne room without even a ‘by your leave’.” He arched his brow at the unicorn and then looked pointedly at the royal guards behind her. The unicorn didn’t follow his gaze, but did gulp, loudly enough that the sound echoed around the throne room.

“M-my apologies, y-your majesty!” the unicorn stammered, trembling where she stood. The mare was vibrating so much that her hooves lifted from the floor and returned to meet it, generating a noise not unlike a sudden bout of rainfall. “I-I-I was hoping to have an audience with you regarding a construction project in the city!”

“Well, since you’re already here, I suppose such a discussion can take place,” Purple Heart mused. The mare’s shaking ceased and a joyful smile stretched her face. “However-” the smile vanished. “-please ask for entry instead of barging in when you have urgent tidings in the future? I may not be so accommodating.” With a short dismissive gesture to the guards, the purple earth pony sat on his haunches at the edge of the dais, peering down at the silent trio of ponies.

The unicorn swallowed loudly again and closed her eyes, bringing a glow of pale white magic to her horn. Purple Heart reflexively flinched and was just barely able to prevent his strings from lashing out at the spindly pony. Several papers floated forward, carried by the mare’s magic, for him to read. A quick glance at the sheets gave Purple Heart next to no context on the situation. He nudged one of the papers to the side and peered past them to look at the mare. Her gaze met his and the two stared at each other for an awkward moment.

“Excuse me, Miss...” he trailed off, his blinking a silent prompt for the unicorn.

“Oh! Sign! Miss Terri de Sign, general contractor and building planner,” de Sign introduced.

Purple Heart nodded slowly, internally slack-jawed at the name of this spindly unicorn.

“Miss de Sign,” he said. “Would you care to provide context to all this?” He waved a hand at the floating papers. “I’m sure I would eventually be able to parse through what you’ve presented, but for the sake of expediency, perhaps you could simply tell me what the problem is?”

De Sign nodded hurriedly. “Ah, yes I could,” she said, taking a deep breath. “The root of the matter is that these are requisition orders for materials to construct a new apartment complex in the Southern Quarter of Canterlot.” The sheets moved in a flurry and paused before Purple Heart, allowing him to make out quantities and pricing for various building materials and the requisite ponypower needed to commence construction.

“And this concerns you for some reason?” he asked lightly.

“Exactly!” cried the unicorn. “I myself have plans set aside for developing this particular plot into a school for the Southern Quarter! Plans, I might add, that have been in the Canterlot Library’s Archive for the past six months! My plans were approved first by Princess Celestia and I am quite interested in finding out why my project has been sidelined and replaced!”

Purple Heart blinked once, dredging up past conversations with aides, advisors, and other ponies of note he’d had the [dis]pleasure of interacting with for the past few weeks.

“Unfortunately,” he replied, “I cannot recall anypony putting forth a request for developing the land you speak of. Nor,” his eyes flashed and the outrage on the mare’s face vanished, “do I think I ever would have as I am certain there are particular officials that are suitably trained for such an occurrence. Therefore, I suggest you take it up with them, the ponies financing this-” he waved at the papers arrayed before him, “-and whatever guild or department oversees projects of this nature. Good da-”

“YOUR MAJESTY!”

Purple Heart’s eyes flashed again and he glared over the heads of the first group of ponies that turned in surprise to see a pair of colts, one blue and one green, storming into the throne room. Again, the trio of royal guards were in pursuit, looking harried and panicked as they followed the new pair of intruders.

“YOUR MAJESTY!” the two colts roared as they brushed past de Sign and her assistants. “We demand an audience!”

Purple Heart rolled his eyes skyward and groaned. “I doubt Celestia had to deal with this bee-ess,” he muttered.

“YOUR! MAJESTY!”

Purple Heart lowered his gaze from the ceiling and eyed the two newcomers with obvious distaste. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed de Sign, her assistants, and the guard ponies flinch at the look in his eyes.

“Yes?” he replied frostily.

“WE-”

“Shout once more in this room and I will personally see you flung from my balcony,” the Regent interrupted. The two colts, both pegasi he noted, balked and blinked at each other in confusion and no small amount of arrogance.

“But,” one said, quietly to Purple Heart’s “we’re both pegasus.”

A score of strings burst forth and Purple Heart barely managed to cease their assault before they bound the two idiots. He did let a grin flash across his face and relished the fear in the colts’ eyes.

“I’m sure my guards could acquire some bindings to make your descent less safe,” Purple Heart assured. “Or, you can quiet down and wait your turn. It's entirely your choice.” The two colts gulped loudly and bowed their heads bashfully.

Purple Heart grinned again. “Excellent,” he chirped, turning back to de Sign. “As I was saying-”

“Hey,” de Sign interrupted, glaring at the two colts. “I recognize you...” The colts shared a confused look again and looked at the spindly unicorn.

“Me or him?” they chorused.

“Yes.”

“...Okay...”

“You’re the Bray Brothers, aren’t you? Mike and Hale Bray?”

The two colts frowned. “...Yes?”

Several papers floated over to the pair. “The ponies that put in material orders for a construction project in the South Quarter?” continued de Sign.

“Yes?”

“Is there a point to all this?”

De Sign didn’t answer. Instead, she shrieked furiously and dove at the two pegasi, her magic trapping them in place so she could more easily harm the stunned colts.

Purple Heart exhaled a heavy sigh and glared at the melee rapidly grow to include the guard ponies and de Sign’s attendants. The scuffle continued for about a minute when Purple Heart decided enough was enough. An invisible string flicked out behind him and darted through the door behind the throne. Blank faced, he stood and strode down the steps of the dais towards the combating ponies. A hoof lashed out at him blindly and he grabbed it with his own, yanking the pony out of the growing dust cloud and binding them with strings.

The scuffling ponies, not actually seeing their new adversary, instinctually tried to assault Purple Heart when they noticed the disappearance of Mike Bray. Within short order, the remaining brawlers were bound and subdued, save for the frazzled guard ponies who nodded thankfully to Purple Heart as they hurriedly straightened their armour. Eyeing those held captive by his threads, Purple Heart scowled deeply as he met the eyes of each one in turn. He grinned internally at the fearful eyes looking up at him.

“I know I am not the best monarch you have had,” he said softly. “However, current events-”

“A word, your majesty, if I may?” asked Top Class as she strode into the throne room, followed by most of the senate. Purple Heart’s jaw clenched, his strings involuntarily squeezing his captives while he looked up to meet Top Class’ gaze.

“You ponies have the worst timing,” he hissed quietly. Aloud, he addressed the Madame Speaker. “What can I do for you, Madame Speaker?”

Top Class pulled forth a scroll from her coat and unrolled it with magic, holding it before her. “Senators, let me leave no doubt regarding my feelings about Beekler Alfreeves’ future as Regent of Equestria,” she stated. “Owing to his short tenure and incompetence, I find him personally responsible for leaving our nation ruinously unprepared to face the present False Alicorn peril.” She stared directly at Purple Heart, ignoring the mutters of agreement from the cohort of senators behind her.

“We are at war, Regent Alfreeves. At war. And leaving aside whether you are fit to be a leader in peacetime, you have proven yourself incapable of leading us in wartime!” The senators all voiced their agreement, loudly this time.

“Therefore, in the country’s interest your majesty, abdicate! Step down and let us find a new leader!”

The senators let loose a roar of agreement that filled the throne room. Purple Heart let a small trickle of surprise and fear cross his face and noted the smug look of triumph on Top Class’ face. Internally, he was jumping with glee and relief. This would suit his desires nicely.

He released the two colts, de Sign, and her attendants. Then he turned, looking dramatically at the throne. Then he began to speak.

“Madame Speaker, senators,” he rumbled. “I understand you do not want another Prince. But it seems you’ve been given one. I sympathize with you. I did not want to be a Prince or Regent, but I had been chosen to be one. Perhaps you would take a little moment to sympathize with me. It's true, I have little experience in government. But then have you more? I, at least, have served with the royal family who have ruled this country before the senate was even a thought in their heads! I've observed it working more closely than any of you. Is your experience better than that?”

He turned, eyes hard as he looked at the assembly of ponies before him. “Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional. I shall not appear at the next session of the Senate where you may confirm me in my position or not, as you wish. So, if it pleases you, explain your reasons to him, not to me!”

With that, he strode forward, parting the dumbstruck sea of senators with his passing as all of them gawked at the pony stepping onto the dais. As he passed Top Class, he gently shut her gaping jaw and whispered, “thank you.” Then he left, leaving the throne room staring at a healthy, hale, and whole Blueblood.

* * *

“Agaerh guide me,” Solosun, the griffon leader, muttered, his head laying on the improvised desk. He let his mind drift as a claw idly traced cracks in one of the planks making up the writing surface. “This is a lot like my plan right now, isn’t it?”

“Pardon?” the other griffon in the room asked, having fallen into their own thoughts a while ago.

“My generously titled desk,” Solosun said, thumping the planks and causing them to shift on the crates they rested on. “Like my plans. It’s ramshackle and slapped together out of broken pieces.”

“At least it’s functional,” Solosun’s second-in-command groused.

“The desk or my plans?” The griffon leader bit back sullenly. “I suppose it doesn’t really matter, the reply would be the same. Barely and only because of constant attention.”

“Like the River Clans say, we’ll find our new level.”

“In time for the next disruption.”

“Well, how do we calm the waters?”

The griffon leader looked at his subordinate before sighing. “That I don’t know. Probably carefully?”

“Sounds more like we’re in a boat that has to navigate a tumultuous river.”

“Congratulations, we now know what metaphor to use in describing our situation.”

“At least I did something!” the officer in the room snapped back before trying to hurriedly backpedal. “Ah, that came out wrong. What I meant was- what I should have said- I’m-”

“Frustrated by the lack of action and leadership? I’ve heard the same grumbling around the camp. I’m old but my ears still work well enough. Let me use your metaphor to frame the big picture and maybe it’ll help you see why we’re stuck.” Solosun sat up in his chair and took a moment to think. “We’re in a rowboat going down a stretch of rapids. One side of the river is the Equestrian Royal Guard and the other is the Bowgunners. We’re trying to stay in the middle, but the rapids keep throwing us towards one side or the other, putting us in danger of crashing into them.”

“I guess that kind of makes sense, but why is the Royal Guard one of the banks?”

“Because our end goal is to become legitimate mercenaries. We can’t do that if they won’t work with us. We have only half the leverage we were hoping to have and they want us to give the half of the artifact we have now, not later when we have both halves.”

“And the Bowgunners because they want our half of the artifact and to probably just wipe us out.”

“Correct. During all this, both sides of the bank are waiting eagerly for us to smash against the far side. So now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate our boat to safety while letting banks throw the water at each other,” Solosun finished, laying his head back on the generously titled desk.

“So... how do we make the Guard think we’re fully on their side?”

“We help them fight the Bowgunners and we keep our half of the artifact by saying that we need it to keep the Bowgunners from trying to use theirs against us.” The second-in-command thought for a few moments.

“And how do we get the other half of the artifact from the Bowgunners?”

“We take easy shots at them and use chances to weaken them while trying to let the Guard soften them up. However, weaken them too much and the Guard gets the other half instead of us.”

“It sounds like we have a plan now, sir,” the second-in-command said, prompting a laugh from Solosun.

“We’ve had a plan for a while. What we lack is the strategy or minutiae. Now go get the other unit leaders; it’s time to start finding what we lack,” he ordered. Watching the griffon leave, Solosun leaned back, his mind already spinning several more ideas around.

* * *

Trixie Lulamoon had done a lot of things during her career. A lot of very exciting things and a lot of unsavory things. Even some questionably legal things. Actually, a lot of questionably legal things, now that she thought about it.

This was the first time she was trying to get caught doing them, though.

The blue-furred mare stood outside of Twilight’s Castle, staring up at the structure with a sceptical expression. Sure, she had agreed to help Wits make amends with the Princess of Friendship, but she had expected something along the lines of ‘deliver this heartfelt letter asking her to meet me in a neutral location’. Not…

She sighed. Wits had a point. After letting him into Twilight’s castle before, the alicorn would be suspicious if Trixie just showed up on her doorstep. It was better to let Twilight set the tone and the stakes of this.

“Still,” she muttered. “Breaking and entering? Not exactly a great and powerful sort of plan…”

Trixie reached out with her magic, wrapping her magenta aura around a nearby bench. With a sharp tug, the bench came loose from its holdings and floated through the air towards her. With a muttered apology, Trixie sent the seat flying through a window. She winced at the loud crash it made, even as she began casting her next spell.

Teleportation into Twilight’s castle was nearly impossible after Trixie brought Wits in with her last time. A direct physical projection resulting in inverse defenestration, on the other hoof, was something no-pony expected. One quick teleport 500 yards above Twilight’s castle, followed by a moment-maintaining portal, resulted in her sailing horizontally through the newly formed hole in the castle wall. The showpony tucked and rolled, landing in a perfect 3-point pose without so much as a scratch. “And they said those hours of practicing dramatic entrances would never pay off,” she thought, brushing off her cape.

Trixie paused. “Huh,” she muttered. “I should’ve been captured 10 seconds ago.” She looked around. Her entrance had landed her right in Twilight’s bedroom, but the alicorn princess was nowhere to be seen. The bed was still perfectly made, aside from some stained glass that was now scattered around the room. “Well, let’s make this look good.” Trixie hefted the bench again with her magic, propping it against the door. “Oh no, Trixie’s barricaded herself in Princess Twilight’s room. Whatever will we do.” She considered her handiwork.

“...I’ve spent too much time around Wits End,” Trixie sighed. “Well, Twilight’s gotta have an alarm on her castle at this point. All I have to do is wait until she gets here, and then I can explain everything.” She tapped her hoof on the padded carpet. “Yep, just wait and don’t touch anything. Wouldn’t want the Princess to get too suspicious…”

To her credit, it took Trixie a full five minutes before she started snooping about the room. “Did she really have to get another of these?” she whined, holding a green amulet in front of her face. “I thought this was supposed to be one of Zecora’s doorstops…” The showpony tossed the stone back into the drawer she’d found it in, and moved to a desk. “Ooh, now here’s something.” She picked up a hardcover journal acorned by a red and orange sun; one that she could sense was practically overflowing with enchantments as she flipped it open. “What is this? Some sort of auto-scribe spell linked with a long distance sending spell and… directed through a magic portal? Did Twilight come up with this herself?”

“I would’ve preferred a smartphone, to be honest.”

Trixie whirled around to find a red and orange unicorn seated on the upturned bench behind her. “How did you-”

“Teleportation spell. I got a hall pass.”

Trixie narrowed her eyebrows. “I saw you around when I was visiting Starlight. You’re… Noonday Light?”

“Sunset Shimmer,” the mare corrected. “But that does remind me that I wanted to check the census records to see how many ponies have that naming theme.” Sunset paused for a moment, making a mental note before she continued. “You know, if you were trying to sneak in without anyone noticing, you really oughta work on your secret plans more.”

“Trixie was trying to make a bunch of noise so Twilight Sparkle would come find me,” Trixie deadpanned.

“Oh.” The two mares stared at each other for a beat. “Good job, then.” Another beat. “Twilight ain’t here, though.”

“So I’m beginning to notice. Are you going to try and beat me up in the name of friendship? Or maybe banish me to the moon?”

Sunset thought for a moment. “Depends. Why are you breaking into Twilight’s bedroom in the most obvious way possible?”

“...You’re never going to believe it.”

“Does it have to do with Wits End?”

“...Yes.”

“Then I’ll keep an open mind. Try me.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt…” The showmare took a seat on the edge of the desk. “Wits End wants Twilight’s help in getting the alicorns to stop fighting.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Go on.”

“...Trixie expected you to make disbelieving sounds of denial.”

“I got stuck in an adventure with those three boys before. They saved my world—well, the world I call home—and my friends. Heck, Wits saved me from getting trapped in the same limbo the rest of them got stuck in.”

“So you believe that he doesn’t mean any harm?”

“I believe that he got in way over his head and needs someone to bail him out,” Sunset said bluntly.

“He seems to get that reaction from everypony he associates with,” Trixie mused.

Sunset raised a forehoof. “But isn’t Wits in control of the alicorn forces?”

“Only by the slimmest of margins. It’s threatening to fall apart any day now, and if that happens…” Trixie hesitated.

Something seemed to click inside Sunset’s head. “He’s been holding back. That’s why he said he was putting his effort into falling so he could get back up back then.” She looked at Trixie with new understanding. “That’s why he’s been making those strange decisions lately. He’s trying to lose.”

“He’s been trying to lose from the very beginning. That showdown he had with Twilight before the alicorn invasion? That was supposed to be the end of it, before P.I.S.S. stepped in and handicapped the Elements of- Are you alright?”

Sunset had been taken by a fit of giggles. “Sorry, sorry,” she managed. “It’s just- Is that really what the panel is called? I thought Spike was joking when he filled me in.” She cleared her throat, trying her best to look somber again. “Continue.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “In any case, the plan is for Trixie to get captured by Twilight Sparkle so that she can feel like she’s in control while Trixie convinces her that Wits needs her help.”

“Seems a little over-complicated to me.” Sunset paused. “I’m in.”

“....What.”

“Your secret plot to make Wits and Twi kiss and make up. I’m in.”

“...Why?”

“Why?” Sunset sighed as she stood. “Well, for one thing it just makes sense to get the alicorn invasion out of the way. Equestria’s going to Tartarus in a tack-harness, and removing the threat of alicorn stormtroopers making their way through Canterlot will help to alleviate that.” She trailed off for a moment before her horn began to glow, and Trixie recognized the magical signature of a cone of silence draping over them. “And for another, maybe this will help with whatever’s been eating Twilight.”

“Eating Twilight? What do you mean?”

Sunset seemed worried for a moment, double-checking her spell before she continued. “Ever since we cast that spell to bring those boys back from Limbo, Twilight’s been acting more and more… out of character, I guess. Her messages to me have gotten more and more erratic. Broken grammar, strange usage of certain words, references to things that don’t make any sense on Equestria; those sorts of things.”

Trixie frowned. “That… doesn’t sound like Princess Twilight.”

“Exactly. I had to go to Spike for the full story, but apparently this has been getting worse and worse as this whole fiasco’s been going on. Maybe with Wits off her mind, she’ll go back to normal.” Sunset paused. “Or, maybe Wits will have some idea on how to help her. I don’t know. But I do know that two of my friends need help, and this is a way to help both of them at once.”

“What if I’m lying?” Trixie asked.

“Then I’ll banish you to the moon with the power of friendship,” Sunset said plainly.

“And if this is all part of Wits’ plan to conquer Equestria?”

“Then you’ll have someone to talk to on the moon. Are we doing this or what?” The fiery mare held out a forehoof.

Trixie hesitated. After a moment of thought, she shook the offered hoof. “Thanks.”

“Awesome. Now, about your plan to be captured.” Sunset trotted over to the desk next to Trixie, opening up the journal. “I think it’s good, except it sucks. So, let me do the plan, and that way it might be really good.”

Trixie blinked. “Wow.”

“Instead of trying to get captured, you need to earn her trust. You’re a reformed minor villain, so everypony is rooting for you to do a hoof-face-turn.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because I’m a reformed major villain, and my life is an endless after-school special.” Sunset stopped on one of the most recent pages. “Here. Twilight’s told me she’s trying to build a spell to remove any influence the villains from Discord’s game might be having on the boys. She needs a more recent magical signature from them to make it work, though. If you show up at her door with Wits’ signature and an apology, she’ll listen to you.”

Trixie read over the exchange Sunset was highlighting with her magic. “Huh… That is a better plan. I guess that’s why you’re the major villain.”

“Reformed major villain,” Sunset grumbled. “You get the signature, and I’ll make sure Twilight’s receptive to listening to you.”

“How will you do that?”

“I’ll have some help.” Sunset picked up the bench and opened the door, letting Spike fall through. “Hi, Spike.”

Spike picked himself up, trying to regain some dignity. “It’s not eavesdropping if somepony’s trying to break into the castle,” he said defensively. “What do you mean you’ll have help?”

Sunset shot Trixie a smirk, then turned back to the young dragon. “You like comic books, right?”

“That single fact has made me remarkably relevant recently, yeah.”

“Well,” Sunset continued, “the way I see it, this is kinda like a special operations thing. Operation Twilight Relief, or something like that.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “I suppose so…”

“And if we’re running an op…” Sunset trailed off in a tension-building manner. “I’m gonna need someone to help run things. Like a... ‘guy in the chair’. What do you think, Spike?”

A moment passed. Slowly, Spike’s face lit up, a wide smile spreading across his face. “Guy in the chair.”

* * *

The minotaur leader grunted as his second-in-command tugged at the bandages to keep them tight. “Are we done yet?”

“If you want to die of infection, I could stop now. Otherwise, stop bawling like a calf and let me finish. Sir,” O’Tor replied, yanking on his bandages again just to make him grunt in pain again.

The room’s silence was only broken by grunts and the O’Tor’s use of medical supplies. “We’re gonna need more medical supplies. The casualties have been light, but we’re running out and the guard has kept us from prioritizing our pillaging. We might even have to buy some.”

“Some bandits we are. We have half of a powerful artifact and we can barely even pillage the weeds from a town, let alone anything valuable,” Grood grunted.

“We still have our strength.”

“Not with those birds picking at us while the ponies try to stomp us into the mud.”

“You forgot that we only have half of the artifact.”

“Not for long. I’ve got a few plans to fix that. The first and most important thing is to not let those feather headed birds get too comfortable with the Guard. The more we can get them to pick at each other, the less they can pick at us.” Grood looked at his second-in-command when she gave a short laugh.

“Sounds like you’ve pillaged your plans from our mysterious leader,” she snorted, a large smirk on her face.

“He didn’t have time to do it properly the first time, but you have to admit he made it work fairly well the second time around,” Grood grunted.

“You're sulking that he pulled the wool over your eyes, aren’t you?”

“Minotaurs don’t sulk. I’m just acknowledging that he’s more dangerous than we thought he was. I’m not going to let him do it a second time.”

“Rumor has it he was seen on a train headed south into the Heartlands,” O’Tor shared, getting a bark of laughter from her boss before he grunted in pain. She smirked as she fixed the bandages, his sudden movement having shifted.

“Probably trying to regain control of his magic. I suspect he’ll be back to try and regain the Orb’s pieces and finish his plan. Whatever that was.” Grood resisted his urge to shrug. “At least we’ll have time to deal with our own problems before he adds himself back to that running total.”

“If he’s smart, he’ll probably just go find a new artifact to use for whatever he was upto. If there is one thing this world is awash in, it’s old artifacts of notorious danger. Maybe we should do the same.”

“You sound like you have a plan.” He grunted in pain as she tightened some bandages. “Just tell me the plan, Tor.”

“We have half an artifact of power, but I have a thought of how we can turn it into a whole one. Sombra apparently had some old armouries. The pony guard Shining Armor has been trying to find and empty them. Rumor has it you need some serious magic to open them. I figure even half of the Orb still has to have some power, maybe it’s enough.” She finished packing the medical supplies away.

“Even if we don’t find more artifacts, the gear should be more than enough to tip some scales. If nothing else, Sombra knew how to supply his troops,” Grood said, standing up. “Let's do a little pillaging.” He doubled over as O’Tor lightly jabbed him in his bandaged wound. “Fine, I can have the honor of leading the pillaging.”

Chapter 41: Rainstorm

Light Patch looked towards the train station, and watched as the various pony workers tended to the engine; mostly quenching its thirst and refilling the coal tender. The clinking of armor nearby made him pull his disguise closer around him.

The sounds of guards ponies clanking behind him made him start to regret his choice of getting off the train to walk around. He had been hoping to relax away from the noise of the train station, and he might have been able to if it wasn’t for all of the guard patrols. As it were, he decided to post up at a cafe overlooking the railyard.

Light Patch started to tense up when he realized the sounds of armored ponies was getting close. He fought to keep his breathing steady as the noise got much closer than he’d hoped to hear it. He was about to throw bits at the guards and bolt, when the noise stopped. It wasn’t directly behind him, but it was closer than he was comfortable with.

The pegasus looked up from the paper he’d been staring at and casually looked around, as if to flex a stiffened neck. His movements allowed him to catch sight of the guard. The whole outdoor section of the cafe was available, and they’d chosen the table right behind his, well within earshot even with the noise of the railyard. A fact he took advantage of by carefully pointing his ears backwards to listen in.

“Did the princes' announcement seem a little… terse to you?” one guard asked.

The other grunted. “Suppose so, but what’d you expect?”

“I guess so. It seems like everything’s happening everywhere but here.”

“Hah! You should be thankful we don’t have to deal with what the rest of Equestria’s dealing with.” There was a pause; presumably the two guards nodding to each other. “What’s the latest from down there, anyway? Last I heard was something about alicorns.”

“I got a letter from my sister in Appleloosa. It sounds like there’s a couple hundred alicorns just… sitting in towns down there.”

“Do you think it’s an invasion?”

“Who knows? Personally, I’m not certain they’re alicorns at all.” A sigh. “Times are tough.”

“Times are tough.” Another pause. “Hey, wanna hear something? On the down-low, of course.”

“What, about the alicorns?”

“Nah, nah. This is something happening in Canterlot.”

“Canterlot? What’s happening in Canterlot?”

“Well, I don’t have any details, but it’s gotta be something big.”

“Something big? Doesn’t exactly narrow it down a whole lot.”

“Hey, I said I don’t have details, didn’t I? Maybe it’s related to that headline.”

“You mean… the news from the North?”

“Yeah. It was all over the papers this morning. Seems like things will be happening here sooner than I’d like…”

Light Patch stopped listening to the guards for a moment as he looked through the newspaper for the headline they’d mentioned,.“Bandit Civilwar Gathers More Fuel Threatening to Burn the North,” he muttered, reading the headline and then skimming through the article. It mostly focused on the fact that several bandit groups were reported to be seen heading north. The reporter speculated it was either to support one of the groups in the north, or possibly fleeing the invasion in the south.

“Some of them are probably just heading north looking to take advantage of the opportunity for some easy pickings,” Light Patch heard one of the guards say, causing him to focus on their conversation again.

“Sounds like we’ll be dealing with them either way,” one of them said, followed by a sigh.

“With any luck those two Elements of Harmony will stick around up there. I’ve heard that one’s faster than sound, and the other can sneak into anywhere.”

“I’ve heard the pegasus was tasked by the Captain to hunt down the Pony that started this whole mess.”

“Huh, I figured they’d be staying up north to keep fanning the flames.”

“Maybe they just wanted a fight to watch.”

“I don’t really care what their reasons were. I just wish they hadn’t let the bandits get their claws and hands on Artifacts of Immense Power.” Light Patch sank a little lower in his seat, and stopped listening to the guards as their conversation started to shift to their daily lives and other topics.

Light Patch sighed as the sun peaked out from behind the clouds, and looked around at the small picturesque square. Finally able to relax a little, he decided on what to order, waved over the waiter, paid, and sat his paper down on the table and laid his head on it. He was halfway to falling asleep when a pegasus landed heavily nearby.

“Is this seat open?” he heard a raspy voice ask.

“And how ‘bout this one?” a bubbly voice chimed in. The grey pegasus’ eyes shot open to see Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie standing at his table.

“Uuuh.” Light Patch panicked and looked at the two, before relaxing as he remembered his disguise. He made a show of looking around at the sea of unoccupied tables used by the cafe: the only occupied tables still being his and the guards behind him. “Why not take one of the empty tables?”

“We’re thinking of getting something quick and moving along,” Rainbow replied casually, slumping into the chair without waiting for an answer to her question.

“And I’d hate to make them have to clean another table they don’t need to!” Pinkie chimed in again, dropping into her chair.

“Well when you put it that way, I don’t mind,” Light Patch replied before waving over the waiter again. After the two mares had ordered, Light Patch relaxed enough to figure he could try to get some information from them. “So what are you two doing up here?” he asked, trying to ignore the intense whispers from the guards behind him.

“Looking for a friend.” Pinkie said, cutting off Rainbow. “We want to help them.”

“Good luck finding them,” Light Patch replied, trying to come up with a reasonable backstory. “I’d offer to help, but I’m waiting for a train. It’s unlikely I ran into them.”

“No problem!” Pinkie replied. “We're fairly sure we know where they are; we just gotta catch up to them.”

“What are you looking for them for?” Light Patch asked, fighting to not tense up.

“They could use help, and we want to help! We just need them to be willing to let us help. We’ll even back off if they need time, or help them with what they’re working on.” Pinkie’s eyes sparkled slightly, catching Light Patch off guard.

“So come on, Light Patch, will you-” Rainbow Dash was cut off by a swift kick from Pinkie, who then turned back to try and quickly smooth things over with the colt.

Just in time to see his disguise drop. She thought it was because he trusted them, until she registered the pure shock on his face. She could have still salvaged her plan, or so she thought, until the two guards ponies jumped up from their table.

One pointed a hoof at the colt. “You’re the pony that started the bandit civil war!”

“Halt, you’ve violated the law!” the second one shouted, causing Light Patch to kick his chair backwards into the guard ponies’ table. Both guards were bound up in their own removed equipment just long enough for him to jump the cafe’s patio fence.

“One of these days you're gonna have to shake that habit of jumping the start early,” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of her chair.

“I got better at it!” Rainbow shouted, taking to the air, “I didn’t immediately give away that we knew it was him!”

“I’d have preferred to not have to chase him at all,” Pinkie griped, hopping over the guards entangled in their equipment. Rainbow watched Pinkie head in what appeared to be exactly the wrong direction. With a practiced shrug of a long time friend of Pinkie, she figured there was a Pinkie Plan in motion, and took off after Light Patch herself.

Of course, like Pinkie, Light Patch had a plan to lose the mares himself. Step One saw him running in near total panic while he tried to think of Step Two. Step Two was undecided, until he just barely heard the wingbeats of a pegasus over the sounds of the train building up a steam. A light clicked on in the pegasus’ mind, as he jumped to the station platform.

Step Two now involved two parts. The first was diving into the train’s passenger cars. That was accomplished easily enough, as the doors had been left open for the passenger’s convenience. Rainbow Dash fluttered along on the outside, sure her speed would allow her to just easily catch up if Light Patch tried to suddenly bolt out of the train again.

This was the second part Step Two was counting on. Just as Light Patch passed through the space where one car connected to the next, he skidded to a stop, dropped to the floor, and started to crawl back towards the front of the passenger cars.

Step C of Step Two was this sneaking back, and did not involve the four pink legs he bumped into.

Unknown to Light Patch, and very known to Pinkie Pie, but not Dash, this was Step Two Part A.2 of Pinkie Pie’s master plan to Catch up to Light Patch when Rainbow lets on that We Know in Front of Guards in the Cafe and They Try to Catch Him. “I don’t suppose you’ll let us help you ditch the guards, and then finish hearing us out?”

“Not that I have any handy, but I really don’t see that being the cards at this point, no,” Light Patch replied quietly, half dumbfounded and half flailing around for an escape option. The sound of hoofsteps behind him helped him by at least taking one option out of consideration.

“I gotta admit, the stunt you pulled to lose me by ducking into the train was pretty good,” Rainbow said, looking down at the pegasus who was busy considering just trying to pretend to be a Light Patch-colored pancake.

“Thanks, I was rather proud I’d thought of it so fast.” Light Patch let his sentence hang in the air as a thought whirled through his mind, and a part of his brain shrugged and figured it couldn’t get much worse. “I don’t suppose you could convince Pinkie Pie to wait outside, and we give it a second try?”

“Yeah, I don’t really see that one in the cards,” Pinkie replied. “And I do have some.”

“Oh, well in that case, this was fun but I should be going.” Light Patch stood up, dusted himself off, then grabbed one of Pinkie’s hoofs and shook it vigorously before turning around and doing the same to Rainbow. He then turned and entered one of the sleeping compartment rooms and shut the door. Rainbow and Pinkie watched the stallion enter the room, then glanced at each other.

Both winced at the sound of something heavy bouncing off glass.

With as neutral of an expression as Rainbow could keep, she opened the compartment’s door and looked at Light Patch clutching at his nose on the floor. “Forgot to open the window huh?” she asked, with a tone indicating she was experienced with the same issue.

“I forgot to open the window,” Light Patch confirmed as the two mares entered the room and closed the door behind them.

“Will you hear us out now?” Pinkie asked, sitting on one of the benches with Rainbow sitting across from her.

Light Patch pulled himself up into a sitting position. “I guess I have a little time,” he replied, checking his pocket watch for the locations of Wits End and Purple Heart. “Actually, it looks like I might not have as much as I thought.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You know, something interesting about the station we’re at.”

“Uuugh,” Rainbow groaned, slumping into her seat. “Not boring train stuff.”

“Before the Crystal Empire’s return, this used to be the end station for this line, with no planned expansion beyond it.”

“Okay, that’s a little interesting,” Rainbow deadpanned.

“Because of this, when the Crystal Empire re-appeared and they had to rush to expand the rail lines, they didn’t set up bypass tracks. They just took down the buffer stops and expanded from there.”

“Huh. I was wondering why they didn’t have this train under the water tower, and-” Rainbow cut off at the looks of the other two ponies. “What? I fly over trains all of the time. I’ve picked a few things up.”

Light Patch shrugged and closed his pocket watch. “A priority train from Canterlot was given use of the main track, which is why this is on a maintenance siding.” A train started to flash past the window behind him. “And I’m afraid if I don’t leave now,” he said with a smile on his face, “I’ll miss it.” Pinkie caught on first and made to jump after him, only for him to poof out of existence just as the caboose of the train passed by the window.

Rainbow raised an eyebrow as she stared at the colt sitting confused on the track, looking between the departing train and her. After a beat, Light Patch shot up and bolted for the disappearing train.

Rainbow threw the window open and dove through, her wings snapping open at the last minute to give chase; only to catch sight of Light disappearing. This time he didn’t reappear on the tracks. She was about to give chase after the departing train, when she noticed the Royal Guard’s insignia on the caboose. Even though she could easily catch up with it, she was sure P.I.S.S. would just tie her wings for interfering where she wasn’t ordered to. With a sigh, she turned back to search the town, hoping that the pegasus was just trying to fake them out again.

* * *

“Before the next time I get isekai’d,” Wits groaned, “remind me to learn how to build the field radio.”

The alicorn aide next to him looked up. “Are these reports not to your liking, strategos?”

Wits End looked up from his stack of papers. “Oh, there’s nothing wrong with the field reports themselves,” he explained. “It would just be easier if I could communicate directly with the enemy generals.”

“...What purpose would that serve, my lord?”

“Well for one thing, I could tell them how exceptionally uncooperative they’re being with my war efforts.” Wits waited a beat for the aide to respond, but only got the scratching of a quill in return. He sighed, flipping to the next page. “I miss Trixie already.”

“And where might she be, little one?”

Wits looked up to find Sol Eater standing at the entrance. The aide leapt to his hooves, immediately kneeling as the princess approached. “Doing a favor for me,” Wits said nonchalantly. “All of the griffon traders are in Equestrian-held territory, and I’ve had a mighty craving for a good cheeseburger.”

“Ah, I see.” Sol Eater came to a stop in front of Wits’ desk. “I must say, I wish you had come to me first.”

“I think having an alicorn princess appear in Griffonstone would probably cause some concern for the local government.”

“Oh, I wasn’t volunteering,” Sol Eater said. “I would’ve asked for one myself.”

Wits paused. “You might not say that if you knew what was in it.”

Sol Eater grinned at the unicorn. “It’s been some decades now, but I do remember the taste of minced and fried meat.”

“...Oh.” Wits was silent for a few seconds. “We’ll deal with the psychological damage learning that did later.” He leaned so that he could see the still kneeling aide. “Would you stand up already? You’re making my knees hurt just watching you.”

“How well is your new assistant doing to fill Lulamoon’s horseshoes?” Sol Eater asked, while the aforementioned alicorn aide remained doggidly on the ground.

“Who, Jargon?” Wits sat back in his seat, apparently given up on getting the aide to move. “He’s fine. Could stand to take a shower once in a while, and terribly at picking up on banter, but he’s helped to keep all these combat reports straight.”

“Thank you, strategos,” Jargon said from his kneeling position.

“If you wanna thank me, invest in an air freshener spell or five.”

“You certainly have a way of winning over the common pony,” Sol Eater giggled. “You practically have the 597th worshiping the ground your hooves touch.” Her smile widened at Wits’ obvious discomfort with that fact. “I will say, there are better things they could be obsessed with.”

“Like their nigh-immortal princesses?” Wits offered.

“I was thinking of other aspects of anatomy, my little princess.”

“Let’s change the topic,” Wits said quickly. “Why did you interrupt my very important complaining about running an army?”

After a few more seconds of looking the stallion over, Sol Eater sighed. “This war of ours,” she said, the humor gone from her voice. “It has not been progressing as quickly or as decisively as either my sister or I would have liked.”

Wits frowned. “What, I get one day after my big speech, and now everyone’s getting impatient again?”

“We’re not so foolish that we would expect instant results.” Sol Eater straightened, looking down at the seated stallion. “However, when you came to us in the Last Bastion, you promised a quick war and a receptive population of ponies.”

“I underestimated the Equestrians,” Wits replied flatly. “The plan was an initial thrust, then to capture Celestia and Luna. Those two together would have broken their morale and won the war. I didn’t expect them to-”

“To put your friend on the throne instead?” Sol Eater cut in.

“What, like you would’ve seen it coming?”

“That is not the concern here. You must admit that to anypony else, it appears that you’re stalling.”

Wits stood, and Sol Eater paused. “I don’t know how wars work back in your world,” he said, keeping his voice steady, “but where I come from, wars are measured in years, not days. We’re lucky that we’ve managed to keep the casualties on both sides from becoming fatalities.”

“And how is that a good thing?” Sol Eater asked. “Fatalities would break their spirit.”

“Fatalities would make us a threat to the Equestrian ponies, not just their government,” Wits shot back. “These ponies are used to threats of enslavement from their would-be conquerors. If we crossed that line, we would be fighting the civilians along with the Guard.”

Sol Eater tisked. “Making an example of the peasants would take care of their delusions.”

“You wanna deal with a hundred years of revolts while the de jure title shifts over? Do it after the war is over. For me, that’s a bit outside my expected lifespan. With my way, you’ll be welcomed as ‘not as bad as it could’ve been’.”

Sol Eater bit back a sneer. “Why this obsession with holding ground? Why not push straight for their capital? We can take control of the skies from their pegasi and leave the ground war to their earthbound forces while we cut off the head.”

“It’s a show of force.” From his tone, it was clear that Wits was starting to lose his patience. “If we can’t wipe out their armies, they’ll go to ground and then, again, you’ll have revolts for a hundred years.”

“We can outlive a hundred years of rebellions.”

“You can; I can’t. After all this is over, I wanna retire to some tropical island and drink all the mojitos in Equestria.” Wits sat back down. “Unless you wanna question my tactics some more, I have to figure out how best to deal with three legions of puppeteered armor suits.” He nodded toward the door.

“Fine.” Sol Eater turned and strode to the entrance.

“Sol Eater.” Wits’ words made her stop. “I do have a plan for all of this. You just have to trust me.”

Sol Eater paused. Then, she turned back with a smile on her face. In a few strides of her long legs, she crossed the room again to stroke the unicorn’s cheek; ignoring Wits’ flinch as she touched him. “Of course I trust you, my little princess.” With that, she exited.

It didn’t take long for the Lady of Sunlight to meet up with her next partner. “Dear sister,” she said as she entered their private quarters.

Penumbra looked up from her place on the bed. “How goeth it with our dear strategos?” she asked.

Sol Eater sighed. “As we both feared, young Wits End is indeed delaying this war.” She frowned. “He was so convincing before.”

“Indeed,” Penumbra mused. “Mayhaps it is as we said before, and our strategos art yet too young for the title.”

“Or maybe we’re being manipulated,” Sol Eater fumed. “Like with the Serpent of Chaos before.” She sighed. “Regardless, how were your ‘studies’, sister?”

Penumbra sat up in the bed, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips. “They follow the orders of our appointed leader,” she said slowly, “but the loyalty of the alicorns still rests in their princesses.”

“How many of the officers did you talk to?”

“Near all in camp.” Penumbra yawned. “Of them, all but the barest number swore fealty when asked.”

Sol Eater’s frown deepened. “Who refused?”

“Who indeed?”

“...Iron Maiden.”

“The mare art infatuated with her strategos. We wouldst do well to… apply pressure to her.”

Sol Eater nodded idly. “Who else?”

Penumbra shrugged. “A scant number. They shall fall in line upon realization of their comrades’ loyalties.” She thought for a moment. “Doth thou remember from whence our strategos’ new aide reports from?”

“Jargon?” Sol Eater thought for a moment. “The 12th Polar Warriors, I believe. Why?”

“We have yet to speak with their commander. Mayhaps we wouldst do well to apply pressure to them as well.”

A grin pulled at Sol Eater’s lips. “In case pressure need be applied to our strategos?”

Penumbra frowned. “We dislike violence, sister.”

“Then leave the violence to those who enjoy it,” Sol Eater said flippantly. “On a related topic; you were always the more skilled one at enchantments, were you not?”

“Thou hadst a penchant for a particular type to the exclusion of all others.”

“And you had to clean up after your dear sister,” Sol Eater purred. “Do you remember the counterspells?”

“How could we forget?” Penumbra deadpanned. “Thou gave us so many opportunities to practice them.”

Sol Eater chuckled. “How would you like to take a trip with me down memory lane?”

Penumbra’s brows narrowed. “What hath thou in mind?”

“Just a hunch.” With a gesture, Sol Eater produced a small, mint-colored hair. “And a magical signature from our dear strategos.”

* * *

Purple Heart sat, calmly gazing out the window of his private cabin on the train running from Canterlot to Vanhoover. The large colt inhaled deeply then exhaled, letting a small smile curve his lips. Looking away from the passing scenery, he grinned down at the selection of sushi arrayed before him. After leaving Canterlot Castle in the chaotic state he’d crafted, he’d grabbed enough sushi for the road to keep him sated til he arrived at his destination: a small outpost just off the main rail-line, one where he’d requested Commander Skykicker and Colonel Hathi to rendezvous with him at their earliest convenience.

The purple earth pony was certain that Skykicker would arrive first as the young pegasus’ travel time was shortened due to flying over any land obstacles. Colonel Hathi’s journey wouldn’t be as easy or non-descript. An elephant travelling nearly the breadth of Equestria wasn’t likely to go unnoticed. Hence, Purple Heart sent his messenger clones as soon as he’d left Canterlot Castle.

In the interim, Purple Heart could sit and enjoy the peaceful, filling ride before him. Unknowingly to Purple Heart however, Rainbow Dash was in the process of interrupting that peace; a fact the purple stallion was actually about to become partially aware of by way of a sudden grey wing slapping him in the face, as the compartment was filled with a tumbling panicked pegasus who came to rest on the ground.

Said grey pegasus lay on his back, panting as he glanced around before his eyes came to rest on Purple Heart. “Oh, hey buddy,” Light Patch said as casually as possible between panting breaths. “How’s it going?”

Purple Heart stared blankly at the wheezing grey pegasus, lips pursed in clear annoyance. “Could be better,” he replied dully. “What about you? You look like you’re running from something. Did your plans fold?” Mechanically, he reached out and picked up a piece of sushi, eating it slowly as he stared at Light Patch.

“Rainbow Dash, actually,” the pegasus replied as he moved to a sitting position. “And I doubt your plans are going perfectly either.”

Purple Heart nodded his head side to side a few times, then settled for nodding vertically in confirmation. “Twilight is making things difficult as always,” he admitted. “The micromanaging required of a monarch is ridiculous and significantly more demanding than I had originally thought when putting together my plan.” He paused, taking another piece of sushi as he thought. “You’re welcome to have some, if you wish.” He gestured at some of the spicer rolls with a hoof. “I had intended to deliver some with a battalion of guard ponies a while ago, but I got a little side tracked.”

“Yes, well,” Light Patch replied, “I heard a can of spicy tuna being opened and, like a cat, here I was.” He grabbed a couple of rolls for himself. “Thanks for sharing your lunch. I had to ditch mine in a hurry.” The pegasus lapsed into silence as he ate and kept his eyes on Purple Heart; and his ears on the door to the cabin.

“Sudden interruption, I’m guessing?” Purple Heart asked. “I left after being inundated with too many ponies calling for my attention.”

“Then I suppose I shouldn’t bother asking you for help as I was considering, then?”

Purple Heart stopped mid-chew and blinked once. After swallowing, he twisted his lips, eyes squinting at the grey pegasus. “I mean… you can certainly ask,” he said. “Answer depends on what you’re asking for.”

Light Patch looked suspiciously at his friend for a few minutes. “Alright, fair warning at least, I guess. Twilight developed a spell-” he was interrupted by a derisive snort from Purple Heart. “...To fix what’s wrong with us.” Purple Heart raised an eyebrow.

“And what does she think is wrong with us?”

“She thinks something is making us do these plans beyond our own natural minds, and so she made a spell to... fix that, and then had Moon Dancer test it on me.” Light Patch paused. “Maybe something is messing with us. I think I’ve been having a few more second thoughts, but maybe that’s just my plans falling to pieces. But I do know that since I got hit with it, my powers are on the fritz, and I was trying to get to Wits End to see if maybe he could help.”

Purple Heart leaned back, squinting at the ceiling of the cabin as he chewed thoughtfully. “This spell… She didn’t happen to cast it a few days ago, did she? Cos Wits and I were having our Duel of the Fatal Wits a few days ago… And some kind of wave of magic threw everything off kilter for a bit…”

A frown creased the purple earth pony’s brow and he leaned forward, resting his chin on his hooves. “If that wave of magic was the spell you say Twilight made to-” he made air quotes with his hooves, “-‘fix us’, then it didn’t work on me. Dunno what it did to Wits though. He was a little preoccupied with adopting my fist to his face.” He fell into a thoughtful silence, eyes gazing at nothing as he dropped a hoof to blindly grab more sushi.

“You didn’t knock his horn off, did you? I might still need it... Unless you’d be willing to task a couple of unicorn flunkies onto my case?”

“Nah. Just pulled a Hulk on his sorry Loki. You may have trouble getting past his Fan Club. I swear, the way those alicorns trail after him it's like he’s Ciaphas Cain or something.”

“Or he’s their favorite toy, and they’re trying to keep the ponies from breaking him.” Light Patch chewed silently for a little bit. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if they turned on him?”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow. “Who? The alicorn battalion or whatever the hell this ‘diarchy’ is?” He blinked, pausing mid-reach for more sushi. “Did he mean Diarchy in the sense of those two Alicorns from Discord’s Game, or did he somehow convince Celestia and Luna to defect to his side?”

“If he got Celestia to join him, he wouldn’t be fighting against Twilight half as much.” Light Patch grabbed some of the lettuce garnishment from the plate and munched on it to cover his thinking. “From what I got his whole plan is about having and settling beef with Twilight, so he wouldn’t do anything that might endanger that, like get Celestia to willingly join him. Luna maybe, but she seemed fairly skeptical of the both of us the one time we’ve met.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “Fair enough. So the Off-Brand princesses then.” He paused again, chewing methodically. “Yeh, them turning on him would be a pain.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin and eyed Light Patch. “Your plan was to use rival groups of bandits to get some Orb of Gascoigne or something, wasn’t it?”

“The plan was to get the Orb of Glacious quietly. Getting the bandits to fight each other was just a little bit of vengeance to pour on my ice cream. So, I guess my plan’s haven’t completely failed, but now my powers are on the fritz and I’m looking for a new artifact power source to fold my, uh, portal together.”

“Ahuh… Do you think you could sneak into Twilight’s castle? I’m sure there’s something you can use as a focus.”

“I was planning on seeing about nicking a book or two on artifacts to study while I try to meet up with Wits End,” Light Patch replied.

“Certainly sounds planlike,” Purple Heart agreed. A voice echoed through the train, forestalling any further conversation between the two colts.

“Next destination, Pointuv Neigh Retun in five minutes. Pointuv Neigh Retun in five minutes.”

Purple Heart cleared his throat. “This is my stop,” he stated. “I’m not sure how you’re going to get headed down south. This train heads to Vanhoover.”

“With any luck, the same way I got here,” Light Patch said, finishing off one last piece of sushi. “I’ll just pop in.” With that, he plugged his nose and looked like he was trying to inflate a balloon. Light Patch was starting to turn blue when, with a cartoonish noise, he popped out of existence as far as Purple Heart was aware.

Arching an eyebrow at the unorthodox method of departure, Purple Heart shrugged and looked down at the remnants of the shared lunch. Only a few pieces remained. Within minutes, they were gone and the rubbish was bundled up for disposal just as the train came to a halt. With nonchalant care, he disembarked and walked down the short platform, pitching the bag of trash into the requisite receptacle as he passed. With a deep breath in, Purple Heart sighed happily at the nature around him.

“Time to steal Equestria’s military,” he said firmly, walking by the few buildings surrounding the train depot and into the hills beyond.

* * *

Spike looked up at Just Duty, who was walking right next to him as if this was just completely normal and he wasn’t a secret national hero legend. He also reflected that a few months ago he’d be freaking out… had been freaking out if he was totally honest.

“You're thinking how weird it is, how normal all of this feels aren’t you?” Just Duty asked, a small smile playing on his face.

“Yeah,” Spike replied. “It just feels weird to be walking next to a pony I knew from comic books.”

“Now you know how I felt when I found out Daring Doo was real.”

“You didn’t know?”

“Different agency. And I don’t know every secret in the country. I don’t even know why Celestia and Luna’s hair is so wavy.”

“No pony does,” Spike said, smiling before a look of curiosity took over. “So what brings you to Twilight’s Castle?”

“Got some information that I think Twilight will want to hear. It’s being kept quiet for now, but I wanted to make sure she hears it.”

“Why not just send an underling to bring it?” Spike asked with a skeptical look blooming on his face. Just Duty frowned, then looked up and down the hallway.

“Well, between us, I shouldn’t be passing this onto Twilight, even.”

“I still know you have underlings you could trust. What’s the real reason?” The small dragon put his best look of skepticism on his face, growing more intense as Just Duty started to shift nervously.

“Alright, it’s an excuse to get away from the office, and...” The paladin trailed off, only to continue at the raised eyebrow Spike returned. “Have you ever felt like a secondary or tertiary character in a story that the writer tends to forget about?”

“Oh yeah, all the time.” Spike shrugged and continued to lead the way to the basement lab.

“How do you deal with it?”

“Flake off on my chores when Twilight is away and hang out with the CMC a lot. I’ve found it’s best to just not think about it too much. Anyway, here’s the lab Twilight’s been holed up in,” Spike said, pushing the door open. “I guess it’s closer to a magic test chamber or something.”

Twilight was hunched over a desk, surrounded by notes, scribbles, and reference books. To one side sat a chalkboard completely covered in markings; some of which were extended off the board via taped pieces of paper. Just Duty made note of a low tone, only to realize that it was the Princess of Friendship muttering to herself.

“Yeah, she does that sometimes,” Spike said plainly. “You get used to it. Twilight!”

The alicorn jumped in her seat with a yelp. “Spike? What’re you-” She paused, looking through bleary eyes at Just Duty. “Oh. Uh… Good to see you again. You look… well.”

“If I can be frank with you,” Just Duty said, “I would love nothing more than to say the same for you, Princess.”

Twilight made a halfhearted attempt to smooth her wild mane. “How long have I been in here working, Spike?”

“Long enough for Pinkie to start planning a party for your eventual return,” Spike deadpanned.

“...Hm.” Twilight gave up on her appearance and turned back to the Paladin. “Are you here to deliver those things of Purple Heart’s clones? I kinda expected a package in the mail, to be honest.”

Just Duty nodded slowly, pulling a ziploc bag from under his armour and held it out to the purple alicorn. In the bag were a pair of black chopsticks, delicately decorated with gold painted, and a thin green book. “I’ll need those back by the end of the day,” the paladin warned. Twilight nodded briskly, grabbed the bag, upended it on her desk, then brought the bag with her over to a large magnifying glass on a mobile, swingable stand.

“Incredible...” she whispered, gently opening and closing the bag to examine how the locking mechanism worked utilizing only pressure and friction. “Is this something only your division has access to?” she asked without looking away from the bag.

“No,” Just Duty replied shortly. “Major city grocery stores have them for sale.”

“Really...”

The old paladin cleared his throat. “...If you don’t mind, Princess Twilight, there was something else I thought you should be made aware of,” Just Duty said.

“Yes?” The alicorn’s attention was still glued to the bag and its closing mechanism.

“I argued for a long time with my compatriots on whether or not to bring you into the fold. They felt what I’m about to share would distract you from your current goal.” His lips twisted with irritation as Twilight’s attention remained centered on the bag. He looked at Spike. The small dragon shrugged weakly. With a roll of his eyes, Just Duty sighed. “Blueblood is now the reigning ruler of Equestria. Again.”

“What, so Beekler stepped down?” Twilight frowned. “Why would Purple Heart willingly give up the leadership role he’s been trying to take to this point? I’m sure if he wanted to he could keep Blueblood sequestered, even if he’d recovered from whatever Purple Heart did to him. Purple Heart willingly let this happen… Unless he’d already done what he wanted to do… Where was the list of everything he did as Beekler when he was filling in for Blueblood? Wait, that list doesn’t exist yet.” Twilight’s slightly unfocused eyes started to look around the room at the various chalk boards and piles of notes, searching for some empty space. Finally, she settled on using the back of paper that already had notes. “Okay, he, uh... He did that one thing. And I think there was a law thing? And he’d have done his laundry… No, scratch that, he’d have his butler do the laundry. But wait, he is the butler. Do butlers have butlers to do laundry for them? Maybe I should do laundry.” Twilight continued to ramble, adding more and more unrelated notes to the list.

“Is she like this often?” Just Duty said, his face constantly shifting between worry, confusion and even a little impressed.

“Usually when one of those three are involved. She’s probably gonna be passing out, so we should get her to finish up with those chopsticks so you can get them back sooner rather than later.” Spike walked up to Twilight, picking up a couple of scrolls and then lightly slapping them to either side of Twilight’s face, forcing her to look at him. “And just what are you?”

“An unfocused Twilight sandwich,” she replied after a few calming breaths. “Okay, first things first. Let’s look for a magic signature.” Twilight’s horn lit up as she scanned the chopsticks. A series of auras seemed to surround, or perhaps become visible, around the two pieces of wood. “This one is mine, just from handling these,” she muttered, and one of the auras faded from sight.

“How long can this take?” Just Duty asked.

“Not long. I just need to filter out the weakest signatures…” Twilight muttered as auras faded away. She paused at one. “This one is… yours, Just Duty? It’s a little odd...”

The paladin shrugged. “It’s a long story, so I’ll tell it another time. Or maybe your little friend can do that for me.”

Twilight ignored the excited noises coming from Spike as she filtered through the auras, until there was only one left. “And this one is…” She frowned, checking her results against her notes. “It’s not an exact match for Purple Heart, but it’s effectively the same. Definitely closer than any familial connection, and that’s as close as magical signatures usually get.” She sighed, noting her results on a spare piece of paper.

“So?” Just Duty raised an eyebrow. “Is that the proof you were looking for?”

“Yes and no.”

“I hate it when ponies say that…”

“Taking into account everything I already know, it means that the clones were most likely created by Purple Heart using what I can only assume is Bael’s magic.” She frowned as she slipped the chopsticks back into their bag. “The problem is that it’s not proof enough to do anything about Purple Heart right now. And since it’s not purely Purple Heart’s magical signature, I can’t exactly use it to help with this spell.”

Spike frowned. “So we’re…

“Right back at square one,” Twilight sighed. “Except that now Purple Heart’s put Blueblood between us and him. And I need something from Purple Heart himself.” She turned to Just Duty, eyes squinting slightly. “Any chances you could get something he used frequently while reigning under the guise of Beekler Alfreeves?”

The paladin frowned, lips pursed in thought. “I do not believe so,” he muttered. “You could try the throne in Canterlot Castle.”

Twilight squeezed one eye shut. “I don’t think anypony would let me zap the throne with magic. Especially for an experiment or to get a sample. What about his crown?”

Just Duty shook his head. “Despite his deception, he never wore a crown while he was regent,” he replied. “One thing I can certainly respect him for.”

“What about clothes? His wardrobe?” Spike suggested. “I doubt the Imperial Dressers would allow even a temporary ruler to go around in clothing unbefitting their station.”

Again, Just Duty shook his head. “All he wore was a cape, and that particular piece of clothing has vanished with the pony who wore it.”

Twilight growled, resisting the urge to unleash her magic in a torrent of frustration. “There has to be something I can get a sample off of!” she snarled, stamping a hoof on the floor.

Spike and Just Duty shared a worried look while Twilight fumed, neither of them knowing what they could do to help the irritable alicorn. The small dragon looked back to the mare and blinked at a small green string waving gently in a non-existent breeze from Twilight’s shoulder. He stepped over to her, patting her side with a hand.

“Don’t worry, Twilight,” he soothed. “I’m sure something will pop up.”

Twilight snorted, eyes on the window in her study. “How is it that the barbarian player is outsmarting me at every turn?” she asked.

Just Duty shuffled his hooves and cleared his throat. “If I may, I don’t think he’s going out of his way to outsmart you,” he said. “It seems to me that this Purple Heart is adept at taking the opportunities he’s been given. I think that you should emulate him.”

“What?” Twilight snapped. “Look at the opportunities I’ve been given?”

Paladin Just Duty’s eyes hardened. “Capitalize on the mistakes of your foes,” he rumbled. “Think: what mistakes has Purple Heart made that you can benefit from? What can you think of that he left behind when he left?”

Twilight’s brow furrowed as she thought. Then her eyes widened. “The collar.”

“Exact- wait, what?” Just Duty blinked at the princess.

Spike’s eyes widened too. “I think that’s still here somewhere!” he cried, racing out of the room.

Just Duty frowned, looking over his shoulder at the small dragon’s sudden departure. “I don’t understand...”

“The collar I gave him to help him control his powers when he first came to Ponyville!” Twilight elaborated. “He wore that thing for at least a week while possessing strange abilities! It surely has a sample I can pull!”

“I don’t know anything about a collar, but I was talking about Blueblood being on the throne. This is a perfect opportunity to-”

“Forget Blueblood, I have my answer!” Twilight crowed. A wide grin split her face as she pranced around with joyful triumph. Spike screeched to a halt outside the door, chest heaving with the exertion of running whilst carrying a crate of fractured metal shards over his head.

“Got to them just as the garbage ponies came!” he cheered, skipping into the room. With a jangle of metal, he placed the crate on the table and grinned widely.

“That’s great, but…” Just Duty was frowning. “I’m not sure we should write off Blueblood’s return as if somepony just announced a sequel to a mediocre novel. The prince was out of the picture for a while, and him popping up again doesn’t sit well with me.”

“I suppose you’re right, but what do you expect me to do about it?” Twilight asked. “If I go anywhere near Blueblood, P.I.S.S. is gonna be on my case for interfering with… something. I’m sure Holdfast would come up with something.” She sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “I don’t suppose you could-”

“Put my career and the secrecy of my entire organization on the line by staying suspiciously close to the regent of Equestria, while in the middle of a war, all while we don’t know who else might be a clone of the former regent?”

Twilight’s mouth formed a thin line. “Well, when you put it like that…”

Just Duty chuckled. “Relax. It’s not like I had anything better to do. The rest of the Paladins can take care of holding Equestria together for me a while longer.”

“You’re bored ‘cause all of the evil deeds are happening in plain sight, aren’t you?” Spike asked.

“You read too many comic books, kid.” Just Duty sighed, “But yes.”

Chapter 42: Monsoon

With a soft pop of displaced air, Trixie appeared outside Twilight’s castle. “Sunset?” she whispered. “Are you there?”

“Up here.” Trixie looked up to find Sunset leaning out of a second story window. “No need to break a window this time,” the red-maned mare said as she lowered a rope.

Once inside, Trixie looked around. “She’s not mad about that, is she?”

“Oh, she’s plenty mad,” Sunset said. “But I told her it was one of the Alicorns that did it. It helped to sell the idea that Wits isn’t completely in control at this point.” She paused. “Speaking of Wits, did you get it?”

Trixie nodded and patted her hat. “Despite his complaining. It’s as close to a fresh sample as the princess is gonna get.”

“Perfect,” Sunset grinned. “Between me and Spike, we’ve been feeding Twilight news and rumors about dissent amongst the Alicorns. She’s good and prepared to believe you when you say that Wits has lost control of the army.”

“He hasn’t lost control yet,” Trixie muttered.

“Give him time, the day’s still young.”

Trixie sighed. “So, what’re we waiting for?”

“A signal from our guy in the chair,” Sunset explained. “We want the perfect time for you to coincidentally show up.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And when will that b-”

The door flew open. “Sunset! Is Trixie-” Spike froze, looking at the two mares. “Oh, you’re already here. That’s convenient.”

“That does seem to be what we’re going for,” Trixie deadpanned.

Spike shrugged, then turned to Sunset. “Twilight just went to the study room to work on that spell again. If you want to catch her while she’s off guard, this is the time.”

Sunset smirked. “Thanks, Spike. You wanna come help keep her calm while we explain things?”

The young dragon shook his head. “I’ll come in after a couple minutes with study snacks and some tea. That way her mouth has something to focus on while the rest of her listens to you two.”

Sunset’s smirk spread into a smile. “All those comic books really taught you how to play with ponies, huh?”

“Hey! Guy in the chair!” Spike raised a claw, a serious expression on his face. “I use my powers for good, not evil.”

“Yeah, yeah. Great power, great responsibility.” Sunset jerked her head towards the door. “Let’s go, Trixie. Time to try diplomacy.”

It didn’t take long for the two mares to arrive at the closed door of the study room. Sunset Shimmer nodded to Trixie, then knocked on the door. “Twilight? You in there?”

“Come in!” Trixie flinched at the sound of Twilight’s voice, but swallowed her concerns as she followed Sunset in. The princess of friendship was hunched over a table that was covered with notes, scribbles, and reference books. “Actually, I had some ideas about the villain removal spell I wanted to run by you.”

“Sure, sure.” Sunset silently motioned for Trixie to stand next to her. “But, uh… I wanna run something by you first, and you’ve gotta promise not to freak out.”

Twilight stood up. “Why would I freak- What the buck is she doing here?!”

Trixie stepped behind Sunset. “I think she’s freaking out.”

“Just a bit,” Sunset replied. “Twilight, calm down.”

“Calm down?!” Twilight fumed. “The last time she was here, Wits destroyed half of my castle!”

“Spike said it was one window and a set of doors.”

“She’s working with the pony who declared war on all of Equestria!”

Trixie cleared her throat. “Actually, that’s why I’m here. Wits needs your help.”

“Ohhhhh no no no.” Twilight shook her head, plopping back onto her seat and crossing her forelegs. “You’re not getting me with that old trick. If Wits thinks he can fool me into an ambush by playing the sympathy card, he can forget it!” Her glare turned on Sunset. “Why are you going along with this?”

Sunset’s expression was completely neutral. “Because both you and I have dealt with those boys before, and we both know that Wits isn’t the megalomaniacal supervillain he’s been playing at being.” Twilight looked like she wanted to object, but bit her lower lip instead. “And,” Sunset continued, “of the three of them, Wits is the one we can convince to stop just by putting the two of you in a room together.”

“Putting us in a room together was what started all of this,” Twilight muttered. “And that doesn’t exactly convince me anyway. What if you’re being controlled by Wits just like he’s controlling Trixie?”

“Trixie is not being controlled,” Trixie cut in. “I mean, she was, but now she’s broken the enchantment.”

That got Twilight’s attention. “You broke Guiding Sunlight? How? What spell?”

“...Twilight Sparkle’s Universal Disenchantment.”

“...It was that easy?” Twilight held up a forehoof. “Wait, it’s Wits. Of course the easy solution would be the one everypony misses.” She sighed, some of the tension leaving her body. “Look, Trixie, I really want to believe that Wits wants my help. But with Celestia and Luna missing and Cadence busy with a bandit war in the Crystal Empire, I can’t afford the chance of Equestria’s last remaining Princess being captured by an invading army.” The alicorn sighed again, looking back at her assembled notes. “Not without a working spell to remove all traces of villainy from those boys…”

Trixie’s eyes went wide. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“The short version?” Sunset asked. “The working theory is that those boys have somehow merged with their villainous counterparts from a game Discord forced them all into.”

Trixie blinked. “What.”

“Yeah, that summarizes most adventures involving those three.”

“The point is,” Twilight continued, “I can’t put myself in Wits’ reach without having a spell to remove Holdfast’s influence from him. And I can’t get this stupid spell to work,” she gestured to the piles of notes, “without complete samples of those three’s magical signatures. I’ve got one from Light Patch and one from Purple Heart-”

“How’d you manage that?” Sunset cut in.

“I don’t wanna talk about it. The point is, without a proper sample from Wits, I can’t finish this spell.”

Without saying a word, Trixie stepped forward. Ignoring the magical shield that Twilight summoned, the showpony reached into her hat and retrieved a small glass vial. “Here.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “What is that? A bomb?”

Trixie shook her head. Behind her, Sunset rolled her eyes. “It’s a vial,” Trixie said. “Scan it.”

Carefully, Twilight took the vial with her magic, casting the necessary spells. Slowly, her eyes widened, and she dropped the shield spell to bring the vial closer to her eyes. Inside were three, mint-colored hairs. “This is-”

“Fresh samples of Wits’ magical signature,” Trixie confirmed. “Plucked from his mane just this morning and preserved right away.”

Twilight’s eyes jumped between Trixie’s face and the vial of hairs. “But… How’d you know I needed this?”

“I didn’t. Well, not exactly for that reason. But, Wits assumed that with those samples you could easily create a tracking spell to know exactly where he was.”

Confusion was obvious on Twilight’s face. Sunset sighed loudly. “Oh for the love of… It’s a peace offering, Twilight. Wits is giving you a way to teleport straight to him and beat his flank halfway to Tartatus and back if you wanted to. If that doesn’t make it obvious that he’s serious about wanting your help, then I don’t know what else you could want.”

Twilight was quiet for a good, long time. Eventually, she looked back at Trixie. “He’s really in trouble, isn’t he?”

Trixie threw her forehooves in the air. “Why does everypony assume that if he’s being genuine, then he’s in trouble?”

Twilight and Sunset shared a knowing look. “I can’t say I’m completely convinced,” Twilight said slowly, drawing one of the hairs out of the vial with her magic, “but the fact that he’s given me this is…” She sighed, suddenly looking very tired. “It’s a good first step.”

Trixie glanced back towards Sunset, who gave her a wide grin and an encouraging hoof-gesture. The showpony turned back to Twilight. “So, what happens now?”

“Now?” Twilight was busy looking the hair over, scanning it with a variety of spells. “Now I’m gonna use this sample to figure out why my spell didn’t work before. Sunset, can you get Starlight and give me some help?”

“Sure, uh… Speak of the-”

“Actually,” Trixie cut in, “can I talk to Starlight first? I’d… like to clear things up with her.”

Twilight idly waved a forehoof. “Sure, sure. Just send her when you’re done.”

Sunset cleared her throat. Trixie turned back to face her, and found herself looking at the very unicorn they’d been talking about, standing with her forelegs crossed as she leaned against the doorframe. Starlight was looking straight at Trixie, her expression stern. “You,” she said, “have a lot to explain, Lulamoon.”

Trixie swallowed hard, and chuckled nervously. “See, it’s really a funny story.”

* * *

Buck Skykicker peered down from his perch amongst the low floating clouds that hung over the outpost town of Pointuv Neigh Retun. Several northbound trains had passed through over the last few hours, but none held the pony he and his squad were waiting for. Red Squadron had been the name of their flying team within the Royal Guard, but as he sat above the clouds with time on his hands, Skykicker had the distinct impression that, should they return to Cloudsdale where the Flight Command for the Royal Guard was based, they were definitely be court-martialed and stripped of their rank. The fact that his squad had followed him in his desertion both heartened and worried him.

When the Royal Guard recruiting officer had arrived all those months ago with a letter of rec from Purple Heart with a royal seal, Buck had been baffled and pleased to have a chance to fly for Equestria. His first months in the Royal Guard had been exhilarating and illuminating. Then the Alicorns arrived and everything was thrown into chaos. Princesses Celestia and Luna vanished with no reason or warning, some pony named Beekler became regent after Prince Blueblood got sick or something, and the Elements of Harmony got hamstrung by a panel of senators. Skykicker knew that he would have to fight for Equestria. Just not so soon after enlisting.

Then the Strategos of the Second Alicorn Diarchy lost in single combat against Regent Alfreeves, followed promptly by the regent, allegedly, summoning an eldritch army to defend Equestria. From what little he was told while at Flight Command, the gossip vine of Ponyville had differing stories about what actually happened circulating within hours of the Duel. Personally, Skykicker preferred to believe the theory that Alfreeves had made a deal with a bunch of unicorns to enchant armor to create autonomous suits of armor to better protect the lives of the ponies in the Royal Guard.

Skykicker shook his head, trying not to dwell so deeply on thoughts that concerned him. He looked over his shoulder at the other members of his squad. They were either napping on the clouds or having whispered conversations amongst themselves. His second-in-command, Wedge Antlers was rolling his eyes at a joke Hobby Cliffer just told him. West Prancer and Crowcall View were gently dozing while Soon Fell was staring resolutely at the land below, ever watchful.

“Train, Buck,” noted Soon Fell, dipping his head towards the railway. Skykicker shifted, peering over the edge of his cloud to watch as a train slowed to a stop at the outpost station. As several times before, the doors shifted open. This time, however, only one pony stepped out. A purple earth pony with cobalt blue markings.

“Red Squadron,” Skykicker said, rocking up onto his hooves, “fall in.” Prancer and View snapped awake, standing at the same time Antlers, Cliffer, and Fell did. With just a twitch of his wings, Skykicker dove off the cloud, not seeing, but knowing that the rest of his squad were in hot pursuit as he plummeted earthward. The dark brown pegasus free fell for about a few seconds, then flared his wings out so that he coasted gently down to land on a short hill some distance from Pointuv Neigh Retun. Upon landing, Skykicker glanced around speculatively, patiently awaiting the appearance of Purple Heart.

Without looking behind him, Skykicker knew that the rest of his squad had landed as well. Their respective touch-downs were silent; nary a shudder of the earth could be felt. It was the change in the breeze that Skykicker felt. Then the ground rumbled.

“Ehm… Buck?” West gulped. “What’s that?” Skykicker turned, looking first at West, then where the colt’s wing was pointing. Following the appendage, Skykicker blinked.

“Uhhh,” he grunted intelligently. “Colonel Hathi?”

“Aah! Young Skykicker! How are you, old chap?” thundered Colonel Hathi as he stepped out of the forest to the south. Red Squadron shifted, trying to subtly settle into a defensive formation. The arching of one of the elephant’s bushy brows told them that their attempt was neither subtle nor impressive.

“F-f-fine, Colonel, sir,” Skykicker replied, stepping through his squadmates to address the elephant colonel face to face. Or as much face to face as a pony seven times smaller than the elephant before him could.

“It appears that our illustrious leader is yet tardy,” the elephant Colonel commented.

“Not exactly,” Purple Heart said as he crested the hill behind the squad of pegasi. He smiled at the individuals assembled before him, nodding and greeting each in turn. “Colonel Hathi. Commander Skykicker. Red Squadron. In case you haven’t heard or didn’t know, I am Purple Heart. I have also acted under the names Purple Patches, Baelhart, and Beekler Alfreeves. Some of you may be familiar with those while others may not.”

Colonel Hathi shook his great head, large ears flapping. “An elephant never forgets, but then again, the only name I can remember is Purple Heart.” He glanced at the pegasi below and arched an eyebrow in interest. “The small ones, however, seem to recognize them.”

Purple Heart grinned, meeting the eyes of each member of Red Squadron. His smile widened at the looks of bafflement and surprise before him.

“So… you weren’t really a military liaison the Princesses sent to the Badlands,” Skykicker said, frowning in contemplation.

“Depends on your perspective,” Purple Heart replied. “Was I actually a producer for a stage play, or a senator from the Pony North West, or a butler turned regent? Or am I simply a strange pony lost in a strange land?”

“I sincerely doubt your name is Mic Hail,” drawled Soon Fell, “and I’m fairly certain you aren’t a visitor from one of the celestial bodies.”

Purple Heart looked at the pegasus and inclined his head in acknowledgement.

“Touche,” he said. “But anyway, does it matter? We have better things to talk about than my identity.”

His head cocked to one side and a nearby tree trembled and collapsed into several remarkably well carved hunks of wood that roughly resembled seating. Cocking his head to the other side, the carved wood jerked over to the ponies on the hill and arranged themselves in a semi-circle. One last flick of his chin felled a brace of trees that then fashioned themselves into a far larger bit of seating that could support the weight of an elephant.

“Now, to business,” Purple Heart declared, standing before the assembled group like a lecturer. “I’ve called you all here to share my plan for ending this conflict between Equestria and the Second Alicorn Diarchy. In addition to Red Squadron and Colonel Hathi’s Tusken Raiders, I have two Armoured Legions at my disposal. My plan is for Colonel Hathi to rendezvous with the Legion assembled in Phillydelphia and recapture Baltimare.” He looked at the elephant. “Did you tell your subordinate officers to ready themselves in the eastern Macintosh Hills?”

Hathi nodded. “Major Hannibal awaits my signal,” the colonel said, gesturing with his trunk.

“Excellent,” Purple Heart said. “You, Colonel Hathi are to lead the Legion under your command to recapture Baltimare with Major Hannibal. You are then to sweep westward and recapture all Equestria’s holdings under Diarchy control.” Purple Heart looked at Skykicker and the rest of Red Squadron. “Meanwhile, I will be leading my Legion to retake Vanhoover and head southward. If all goes to plan, we’ll converge on the strategos’ main camp at the same time, surrounding him with our forces.

“Red Squadron, however, will not be part of either push.”

Skykicker blinked and recoiled from the cries of outrage from his squadmates. Wincing, he raised a wing to silence the angry colts beside him. They quieted promptly, though they muttered darkly as they glared at Purple Heart.

“Respectfully, sir, why did you call us here then?” he asked tightly.

“Because I have a separate mission for you,” Purple Heart replied. He paused, looking at each colt. Their attention, while petulant, was indeed on him. “In the north, beyond the reaches of the Crystal Empire, there is a conflict being waged over an old arcane artifact. Two rival forces of minotaurs and griffons are in a stalemate over it. I want you to break that stalemate by taking it right out from under their noses and bring it to me.”

Hobby twisted his face into a grimace. “That sounds like a lot of work,” he muttered.

“Just the two groups to deal with, right?” Wedge inquired.

“As far as I know, yes.”

“We’ll get it, sir.”

Purple Heart clapped his hooves together. “Excellent! You all have your objectives. Let’s get this madness underway.”

He turned around, flicking out a thread to connect with the Armoured Legionnaires hidden within the trees behind him.

“So what are we called then?” Hobby asked. The colt blinked as all eyes settled on him. “What? We’re no longer part of Equestria’s Royal Guard, so I doubt we can still be called Red Squadron.”

“That… is a fair point,” Soon Fell muttered. He looked at Skykicker. “You’re the squad leader. What are we called?”

Skykicker blinked. “Uhhhhhhh...” He in turn looked at Purple Heart. “You’re technically the see-oh. You choose.”

Purple Heart squinted at the brown pegasus, irritation etched into his clenched features. “You put a great deal of faith in my naming conventions,” he mused. With a shrug, he sighed. “Fine. Henceforth, Red Squadron is no more. In its place, you are now...” The purple earth pony fell silent as rumination took him and his eyes glazed over as he tried desperately to search his alarmingly empty mind of some witty pun or reference that fit the pegasi before him. Then it hit him.

With a grin, he looked up at the six pegasi before him. “Rogue Squadron. You’re now Rogue Squadron.”

“Nice.” Hobby grinned.

“By your leave, sir,” Skykicker said, nodding to Purple Heart. The purple earth pony waved a hoof and Rogue Squadron leapt into the air, took formation, then soared off to the northeast.

“I should be heading off, sah,” Colonel Hathi grunted, standing from his seat. “Got a long way to travel.”

“Indeed. Farewell, Colonel.”

The elephant saluted with his trunk, then turned eastward and trampled off, leaving felled trees and mulched ground in his wake. Alone once again, Purple Heart created a string clone. Within seconds, a long limbed pony clad in a shimmering white cloak appeared before him.

“You know what to do,” Purple Heart said. The tall pony nodded and set off southward, disappearing quickly into the hills. With a grin, Purple Heart turned back to the trees behind him and fired off a pulse of strings. Within seconds, Armoured Legionnaires appeared and assembled in near columns before him.

“To Vanhoover,” Purple Heart ordered. The Legion turned as one and marched. Matching pace, Purple Heart strode beside them. A grin curled his lips as he looked southward.

“Ready, or not, Wits,” he murmured. “Here. I. COME.”

* * *

Light Patch closed the door behind him and then took a few moments to press an ear against the door to listen for any indication that Twilight, Spike or any others who might legitimately be in Twilight’s castle had seen or heard him. After a few moments of total silence, he relaxed just a little and turned on the light gem he’d snuck out of Spike's room that the dragon used for his late night reading. The pegasus shone the light around the dark library. He walked around the shelves looking for the indicators of various sections and thanking that he could recall helping Spike in the library.

“Ah, here we go.” Light Patch stopped in the section for history books, and scanned through the A’s. At the end, he shrugged. “Well, it was worth a shot to look for something under ‘A’ for artifacts.” He started to carefully and quickly look through the titles picking out the occasional book that looked promising.

Occasionally, he’d hear hoofsteps or even Twilight’s voice and he’d quickly shut the gem off and hide. Luckily, not once did any pony enter the library at this time in the night. Which suited his current plan just fine. Okay, he granted it wasn’t much of a plan. It was less panicked flailing and faffing about which he figured had to be at least a twenty percent increase in quality.

Mostly, his plan had consisted of him sneaking into Twilight’s castle to rest for the night and maybe long-term borrow a couple of books on artifacts to look for a new battery for his plan.

Right now, he was in step two, maybe even three: Find books on artifacts. And possibly find a place in the castle to hide till sunrise.

At that point, he figured he’d want to skedaddle before the more active ponies in the castle catch him. And considering the lack of accuracy in his teleports now meant he was hoping to walk, not flee in a panic, towards the invading alicorns to find and get Wits’ help with his power issues.

The pegasus sighed and shook his head to focus himself back onto the task. He did take a moment to mentally add to his checklist ‘get sleep’. This was the third time he’d gone over everything in his head again.

He worked as quickly as his stealth requirement allowed him to and found a decent number of books. He also managed to find a small bag of snacks that he presumed Pinkie had hid in case of snack emergencies. Figuring it was time to find a place to hide and, hopefully, sleep out the night, he packed everything into his bag and quietly snuck back to the door. He turned the light gem off and cracked the door open. He listened for almost a minute before he was sure and quietly set off.

The pegasus slunk his way through the castle into the upper floors. He had a brilliant idea for where he might be able to hide for the night. Okay, it was brilliant for him. He was sure Wits would have a better idea. But this was good enough for him. Specifically, he was heading to the room Twilight had housed him in before everything started. He had to duck under an end table when Spike passed by, grumbling about Twilight having probably stolen his comic light again. Now Light Patch faced no other sudden stealth checks. Perception checks however, was an entirely different story.

It was only the one, but it occurred at the least opportune time. To be exact, when he’d gotten into the room of his destination. Just as he’d closed the door, he heard a faint rhythmic sound from behind him. He turned and saw another form resting on the bed, where he’d hoped he would get to rest for the night.

Strangling a sigh, the pegasus pulled the light gem out again and, using some cloth to dim it, he turned it on, hoping the amount of light would allow him to identify the pony without waking them up. He held his breath as the light crystal lit up and the room was filled with a gentle glow, enough he could make out the blue coat and white mane of the pony. The big give away however was the purple cape and wizards hat.

“What is Twixie doing here?” He pondered aloud before he connected some dots. They weren’t necessarily the right dots to connect, but they were dots that were now connected. This was my room when Twilight was holding me here, so I bet that means Twixie was captured. This is great! the pegasus thought with a smile. Well, it’s bad for Wits and Twixie, but great for me. This is an easy in with Wits End. I free his best minion and he frees me of buggy magic. Light struggled to wipe the smile from his face and keep it neutral-serious as he prepared to wake Twixie.

This required a simple plan and like Otto Von Bismarck, Light Patch had a plan. He always had a plan…

Okay, usually had a plan... Granted, most of the plans were-

Light Patch shook his head and tried to focus. He carefully readied a hoof to cover her mouth to keep her from screaming and blowing the whole op. Light Patch smiled and briefly pondered trying to change his name to Salmon Fisher before he managed to focus himself again.

He quickly placed his hoof over Twixie’s mouth and shook her awake. He was about to tell her to not scream, but she cut him off.

With a solid uppercut that flipped her assailant backwards, she rose from her bed and looked down at the pony ready to beat up what she thought was an alicorn or maybe even Wits or something she didn’t even know. Instead, she found the one dork she wasn’t expecting. “Light Patch, what are you doing here?”

“Rescuing you,” he groaned quietly from the floor.

Trixie, who had spent the last few hours before sleep explaining herself to Starlight Shimmer, was remarkably short on patience. “Aren’t you a little short for an alicorn operative?” she spat, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “And what’d you mean ‘rescuing’?”

“I uh- was sneaking into this room to hide for the night and then head down to try and meet up with Wits for some help with something. I found you here and this was my room when Twilight was keeping the three of us here before all of this started to shake down,” Light Patch explained, rubbing his jaw and praying he wouldn’t have to say her name aloud. It’s not a good idea to get clocked twice before going to sleep.

It took Trixie’s still half-asleep brain a few tries to wrap her head around what the pegasus was saying and even then it was a bit like trying to wrap a ball of bread dough around the entirety of Canterlot Castle.

She blinked. “What?”

“This was my prison cell, so it makes sense for it to be yours when you got captured. Do you ponies even know how to make prison cells? Are they just spartan rooms with okay beds? Or do you cover them in garish mismatching colors?” Light Patch caught himself before the rambling set in. “Sorry. I’m a bit tired. Anyway, I’m here to rescue you, so let’s go.”

Trixie was starting to get the sense that she wasn’t the only one in this room who was confused. “I’m not going anywhere. At least, not tonight. I’ve still gotta finish convincing Twilight, and apologizing to Starlight, and, now that I think about it, I should really thank Sunset and Spike for all their help. Not to mention I’ve gotta wait for Wits to give me the all clear, and I’m just realizing now that I probably shouldn’t be telling you all this since you’re the only one of those three boys who’s actually trying to destroy the world.” Her mouth formed a thin line. “What’re you doing here, anyway? Looking for another Orb of Gladiolus or something?”

Light Patch coughed into a hoof. “Sort of,” he admitted. “I was gonna borrow a few books on artifacts before I left. And for the record, I’m not trying to destroy the world, just fold all of the universes together into one…” He blinked. “I probably shouldn’t have said that. Back up for a moment. Are you telling me that a part of Wits’ plan was to have the great and powerful Twixie get captured?”

“I’m not captured! I’m… I’m on a diplomatic mission!” Trixie groaned, rubbing her forehead with one hoof. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve been doing up in the mountains, but down here this little war has snowballed into… something that’s another snow analogy.”

“An avalanche?”

“That’s the one. I’m trying to help Wits keep this thing from destroying all of Equestria under the hooves of a couple thousand unrestrained alicorns, all led by the mirror universe version of our own Princess of the Sun.” Trixie sighed, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, and resisting the temptation to fall back into it entirely. “If I leave now, Twilight’s paranoia’s gonna kick off and I’ll lose any progress I might’ve made. So, thanks for the offer, but maybe save it for somepony who, ya know, needs saving?”

“Okay, okay, fine. But please keep it down, Twixie. Just because you’ve been caught all according to plan doesn’t mean I want to be caught.” Light Patch was listening to the door before he suddenly looked at Trixie. “I’m not supposed to be caught according to the plan, am I?”

“Did you just call me- Never mind. It’s not part of the plan, at least as far as I know.” Trixie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Although, if I caught you, that’d definitely get me in Twilight’s good graces.”

“How about we have an epic fight and you stop me from stealing a book? We both know that’s probably the same level as far as Twilight is concerned.”

Trixie shrugged. “I can’t say you’re wrong about that. But, can we just say we had an epic fight, and then you knock over a couple of shelves? I’m so exhausted you might just be able to beat me.” She paused, looking the pegasus over. “Well… maybe.”

“Hey! I’m squirrely and I don’t fight fair! But yeah, we can not and say we did.” Light Patch grabbed one of the less promising books from his bag and tossed it onto the bed before knocking a couple of things over. He turned to leave before he seemed to think of one final thing and he turned back to Trixie. “Call you what?”

“You, uh…” Trixie yawned. “You called me ‘Twixie’. Either you forgot what my name actually was, in which case… ouch. Or I’m not the only one whose brain is a few spokes short of a wagon wheel here.”

Light Patch looked confused for a moment before muttering Trixie’s name under his breath a couple of times. Then he remembered. “Oh that. It’s neither. I’m still stuck under a leftover bit of magic from Discord’s game. It’s some kinda forced name use thing, and to be honest, you didn’t get the worst. Your’s was the first name I figured out it was affecting.”

Trixie stared at Light Patch for a few seconds. “Are… Are you sure it’s not just brain damage? ‘Cause that sounds more like brain damage to me, to be honest.”

“Even brain damage wouldn’t make me instinctively call a pony, Skittles, Beanpole or the worst ones for me, Princesses Woona and SunButt,” Light Patch replied carefully, staging an end table on it’s side and artistically strewing what had been atop it across the floor.

“That sounds exactly like what brain damage would do, actually,” Trixie deadpanned. “Believe me, I’ve messed up enough ‘avoid the falling object’ tricks to know.” She paused. “Huh, actually that would explain a lot about how I got into this mess in the first place. Tilt that painting a little more.”

Light Patch tilted the painting then whirled around to face Trixie. “I’m not brain damaged!” The two stood in silence for a moment before Light Patch’s eyes went wide and he covered his mouth. The silence continued for a minute before he relaxed just as Twilight’s voice came through the door.

“Twixie, are you okay? Wait, no. Why did I say that.?” They heard Twilight ask herself.

Trixie shot a glare at Light Patch. “I blame you.”

Light Patch pointed a hoof at her and gave a sharp laugh. “I told you! Discord Magic zeitgeist or something!” The Pegasus had just enough time to clamp his hooves over his mouth before the door to the room exploded and Twilight jumped in.

The three ponies stared at each other for a few beats. Trixie was the first to recover. “Look out, Twilight!” Her hoof shot out, clipping Light Patch on the chin. “He, uh, snuck in here while I was sleeping. Looking for… Books.”

“I want to borrow them,” Light Patch replied weakly, wincing under the hard glare from Trixie. “Uh, long-term and probably not bring them back until long after their due date! And uh, crease the spines or dog-ear the corners or something!” Light Patch added, working his brain as hard as he could.

Twilight continued to stare at them, her eyebrows narrowing. Eventually, she spoke. “How stupid do you think I am?”

Trixie raised a hoof, ready to sock Light Patch again, but Twilight waved her off. “Save it. Somehow I doubt that Wits is in kahoots with Light Patch at this point.” She turned her glare on Light Patch. “And I know you keep sneaking through my barriers, so it almost feels like I should just give you a key. Almost. You’re not getting a key.”

“Fair enough,” Light Patch said, continuing to lie there looking at Twilight. “Hey, uh... you mind if I sleep here tonight and leave in the morning?”

“No.”

“Great I’ll go sleep in the room-”

“I meant no as in ‘I do mind if you sleep here’, so get out.”

“Oh. Okay. Does Ponyville have a hotel or-” Light Patch shut up and quickly started to walk away at the look of anger on Twilight and Trixie's faces.

Twilight stood there silently, looking at the room and trying to calm down before looking at Trixie. “Twixie-” Anything further she had to say was cut off by another single loud laugh from Light Patch.

“Magical discordian scrabble spell,” Light Patch called back as Twilight face hoofed.

“Light! What are you doing back here?!”

“I wanted to ask if you’d tell Spike I’m sorry about taking his magical light gem for late night comic book reading.”

“Sure.”

“Also I’m still taking the books.”

“Just go.”

“Really?”

“Don’t tempt me,” She snarled, nearly grinding her teeth. A moment later, she felt the pegasus pull his teleportation trick and finally sighed.

“You okay, Trixie?” She blinked a couple of times. “Huh, now I can get it right again,” she muttered, looking at the show mare.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Trixie sighed. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to pretend this was all a nightmare and go back to sleep.”

“The story of my last couple of weeks or so,” Twilight muttered as she stepped out of the room and magicked the door back together.

Chapter 43: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wits End sat alone in his field office, looking over a map of Equestria. He stiffened and sniffed the air. “You know what I like about you, Jargon?”

The alicorn stepped through the entrance, his expression as dull as ever. “What would that be, strategos?”

“I can always smell when you’re coming.” Wits stretched his back as he turned to his aide. “Did you bring the tea?”

Jargon nodded. “There wasn’t anything called ‘tanna’, but I brought you black tea.”

“Anything in it? Cream? Sugar? Honey?”

“...Leaves, strategos.”

Wits sighed. “Thank you, Jargon. That will be all.”

“As you wish, sir.”

The unicorn watched as Jargon gave what could generously be described as a bow before leaving. “He reminds me of someone, but I just can't quite put my finger on it.” A spectral hand formed in front of him, placing a finger on his nose. “Oh, now you’re a comedian?” Wits dismissed the hand with a wave of his hoof.

With a sigh, Wits turned back to his plans. On his desk sat a stack of troop orders; one for each of the Alicorn regiments. Most of them were simple repositioning orders, meant to stall the advance of the Equestrian forces, or fall back to more easily defensible positions. “Let’s get these signed,” he muttered, raising the mug to his lips, “and sent out with the next mail call.”

“Sir?” Jargon poked his head through the doorway. “New reports from the front. It seems the enemy’s armor constructs are pulling back.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “Pulling back? To regroup?”

“To reposition, seems like...”

“I don’t like that,” Wits muttered. “Are they inviting us to get encircled? No. Ironically enough, Purple Heart hasn’t played enough Hearts of Iron for that. Any predictions on where they’re going, Jargon?”

Jargon scratched his chin. “Word from the front is that half’s going to Baltimare, and half’s going north and west.”

“Baltimare I can understand. Retaking that would be a moral booster. But why north and west?” Wits frowned. “If it was due north, I could see PH trying to deal with whatever Patchy’s been up to in the Crystal Empire’s territory, but why north and west?”

“Perhaps they’re attempting to retake the Pony North West region, sir?”

“We’re not in the Pony North West, Jargon.” Wits groaned as he sipped his tea. “I gave orders specifically to hold south of Vanhoover.”

Jargon’s eyebrows knitted, as if he were applying all of his brainpower to something. “But… strategos, the 501st has pushed up to the northern border of Equestria already.” The alicorn didn’t so much as flinch at the spray of hot tea. “Shall I get you a refill, sir?”

“The 501st?” Wits spluttered, wiping tea from his mouth as he stood. “What in the name of Celes- What are they doing up there?”

“P-preparing for a winter assault on the Equestrian northern territories, sir.”

“The Crystal Empire?! The Crystal Empire has stayed out of this thanks to whatever frackas Patchy’s caused up there. Who in their right mind would directly engage them now? Who-” Wits’ heart dropped into his stomach. “Jargon, who gave the order?”

“That would be me.” Sol Eater appeared in the entrance behind Jargon, looming over the alicorn aide.

Wits felt his heart descend to someplace around where his boots would be, were he physically capable of wearing them. “Sol Eater,” he said, trying to keep his voice flat but only managing for mildly concerned. “What is this?”

Sol Eater passed Jargon with a sneer, who had thrown himself onto his knees the moment the princess’ presence was known. “A change in plans,” she purred. “You say this Crystal Empire is a non-issue. I say they’re a staging ground for a strike at Equestria’s undefended underbelly.”

Wits put his forehooves on his desk, leveling a glare at Sol Eater. “Ignoring the fact that you went behind my back—which I’ll get to in a moment—you’re pulling important troops from their defensive positions.”

Sol Eater slammed her hooves on the desk, looming forward to look eye-to-eye with the unicorn. “And you’re pulling your punches, my little princess. The 501st was patrolling an undefended border. I extended that border, and intend to continue to do so.”

“And how far would that be, pray tell?”

“As far as I please.”

Wits forced himself to keep Sol Eater’s gaze, even as wisps of silver light snaked across the floor towards the princess. “You put me in charge of the army for a reason,” he growled. “I won’t call what you’re doing treason, but it is a mistake.”

Sol Eater sneered. “Funny. Because I’d call what you’re doing a mistake.”

Wits felt a jolt as his magic hit a barrier: a counterspell woven into an enchantment around Sol Eater’s mind. “Oh,” he squeaked.

“‘Twas a time we had this enchantment woven into the uniform of every guard in our bastion.” Penumbra materialized from the shadows behind Wits, her hooves making almost no noise as she walked. “A word to the wise,” she whispered in his ear. “Thou would do well to avoid using magic others art familiar with.”

“Sound advice,” Wits hissed back. “For the record, I wasn’t trying to hurt either of you.”

“Hurt?” Sol Eater laughed. “I’m impressed, not hurt, my little princess! To walk into a stronghold and enchant two of the most powerful alicorns in their own world?” She grinned down at Wits. “That takes more guts than I gave you credit for.”

Wits’ eyes danced between the two princesses. “So what happens now? We laugh this off, go get drinks, and get back to work in the morning?”

“Hardly,” Penumbra deadpanned.

“It was worth a shot…”

“You’ll be stripped of your rank, of course,” Sol Eater explained. “As well as… well, that can come later. I will be taking over the war efforts, while my dear sister will begin the process of settling the land we have already.”

“Our numbers art few,” Penumbra said. “However, a home here shall give our warriors ample reason to fight with the strength of ten.”

Wits nodded. “Makes sense. And what about me? Foreign relations? Civil service? A penance walk while somepony follows me and rings a bell in my ears?”

Sol Eater chuckled. “I seem to remember a particular gilded cage that fit you quite well when we first met.” She leaned in close. “As well as a certain dress and… form.”

“...Ah. Eye candy.” Wits scratched his chin, trying his best to ignore the two princesses, whose faces were only a few inches away from his own. “Well, I gotta admit, that doesn’t sound so bad right now. It’d certainly be a load off my shoulders. But, can I make an alternate suggestion?”

“We art wary,” Penumbra said. “But… speak it.”

“Distraction.”

Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “Distraction?”

“Yeah, see, I learned about it while Trixie was teaching how to use magic in this world.” Wits’ expression brightened. “Speak of the devil! Trixie, can you tell these two about distraction?” The two princesses’ heads whipped towards the entrance.

...Only to find Jargon, still kneeling there, and nothing else.

A pair of spectral hands flung the desk into the air, sending papers and office supplies scattering. Wits took advantage of the yelps of surprise from the princesses to dart away, scrambling for the doorway. “Jargon, with me!”

“Alicorn of the 12th Polar Warriors!” Sol Eater’s voice sent a shudder down both stallions’ spines. “Your allegiance is to the crowns. Restrain the former strategos and bring him here.”

Jargon’s eyes jumped between the two princesses and Wits End. He remained frozen for several seconds, his kneeling form still enough to block the exit.

“Jargon,” Wits hissed. “Don’t do this to me, man.”

“Jargon!” Sol Eater barked.

Slowly, Jargon stood, his head hung low. “Sorry, but the chain of command’s pretty clear here.”

Wits froze, trapped between three alicorns. “I don’t suppose a parley is in ord-”

Jargon’s forehoof landed on the scruff of the unicorn’s neck. “Come along, sir.” In one smooth movement, the aide lifted Wits bodily from the ground, and hurled him through the doorway like a regulation rucksack being loaded into a wagon.

“Soldier!” Sol Eater snapped. “Your loyalty-”

“Sorry, princess,” Jargon deadpanned. “You’re my princess, but he’s my commander. Orders is orders.” With that, Jargon turned and bolted.

Wits End’s screaming flight was cut off as the galloping Jargon caught him on his back, knocking the wind out of the smaller stallion with a squeak. “What the f-”

“Sorry about that, sir,” Jargon said, his voice remarkably even. “I’ll do my best to be more careful when tossing you in the future.”

Wits adjusted himself so that he was holding onto the alicorn’s neck. “Jargon, if you’re saving me from princesses, you can throw me as hard as you feel necessary.”

“Understood, sir. What next?”

An explosion of light and sound flared behind them, followed by the trample of hoofbeats. “Are you faster than an angry princess?” Wits asked.

“Unlikely, sir.”

“Then teleport us out of here!”

“As much as I’d love to, sir,” Jargon said, rounding a corner with enough speed to almost toss Wits off, “that’s not really an option.” He shifted his cap, and Wits was able to see that the alicorn’s horn was stunted: little more than a nub.

“Of course you’d be the one alicorn who can’t wield god-like powers!” Wits grabbed a passing tentpole with a summon hand, pulling the structure down behind them. The shouts of surprise from the ponies inside was drowned out by the winny of rage from Sol Eater. “That’ll buy us a couple seconds.”

Jargon nodded. “Perhaps Lady Iron Maiden has a plan, sir?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because she’s approaching us quite quickly, sir.”

Wits had just enough time to turn his head and see the armored alicorn before she slammed into the two of them with all the speed and force of a full dive. He opened his mouth to do something, although he wasn’t certain yet whether it was to scream, curse, or possibly eject his last meal as a self-defence mechanism.

Before he could decide, Iron Maiden’s horn lit up and enveloped the three of them in her magic, and the floor dropped out of the world.

When Wits regained his senses, he was no longer in the alicorn camp. Instead he was… Well, he was certainly laying on dirt and rocks. “Where the flying frak am I?”

“Sorry, strategos!” Wits was hauled back onto his hooves by Iron Maiden, whose face was both flushed with excitement and palid with fear. “Well, ex-strategos now, I suppose. The only way to be sure no-pony could track us was to do a blind teleport. I mean, if we don’t know where we’re going, how could anypony else, right?” She looked around, while Jargon emptied the contents of his stomach behind a nearby tree. “Anyway, we’re definitely plenty of distance away from the camp. I aimed for about the distance we traveled when we were marching to Cloudsdale.”

“Iron,” Wits cut in, “the last five minutes of my life have been an absolute nightmare. Please explain literally anything.”

Iron Maiden blushed with embarrassment. “Right, sorry. Well, Princess Sol Eater was going around to all of the commanders and demanding their loyalty, so when she got to me I was pretty suspicious and told her that of course she had my allegiance, but that was a lie so I guess there goes the ‘infallible’ part of ‘infallible demigoddess’. I knew she had to be planning something that involved the war, and that meant something against you, so when she and Princess Penumbra went to your office, I followed and hid outside the door-”

“Take a breath.” While Iron Maiden gasped for air, Wits turned to Jargon. “You didn’t notice her?”

Jargon wiped his mouth on the back of one foreleg. “Apologies, sir. I was a little distracted at the time.”

“...Fair enough.” Wits turned back to Iron Maiden. “So you decided to go rogue and save me from the two most powerful ponies in your entire existence? On your own?”

Iron Maiden grinned. “Oh, not on my own, sir!”

“Who else, then?”

“The 597th!”

Wits blinked. “The entire regiment?”

“Yes, sir! Along with the 12th Polar Warriors, and a handful of alicorns from the others that swore loyalty to Sol Eater.”

Wits blinked again, since the first time hadn’t made anything make more sense. “That’s… a lot of alicorns. But… why?”

“Why?” Iron Maiden cocked her head. “Because you’re our friend, sir? And I’m pretty sure that means that we’re your friends. And… well, sir, I guess that friendship beats out centuries of blind loyalty.”

Wits was beginning to think that blinking wasn’t helping. “Friends?”

“Wasn’t I clear, sir?” Iron Maiden frowned. “Sorry, I’m not very good at this.”

“No, no, you’re fine.” Wits waved her concerns off with one forehoof. “I think my brain is still off by a couple of minutes after what just happened.” He shook his head. “Late twenties, and I’m already getting too old for all this…”

“Not to interrupt, sir,” Jargon interrupted, “but even with a blind teleport, the Princesses will be putting out search parties.”

“He’s right,” Iron Maiden agreed. The two alicorns turned expectantly to Wits. “What’s the plan, sir?”

Wits resisted the temptation to blink. “Where are the rest of the… well, the alicorns who like me more than their god-princesses?”

“Scattered,” Iron Maiden explained. “But we have ways of getting messages to each other that even the princesses can’t trace thanks to the Thestrals.”

“How many Thestrals?”

“All of them, sir. According to the one called Mousetail, the only reason they put up with the princesses was because they liked you more than they disliked them.” Iron Maiden’s face flushed. “Th-they’re words, not mine.”

Wits was silent for a few long seconds. Then, he nodded to himself. “Gather the troops. We’ll be having a rendezvous as soon as possible.”

Iron Maiden nodded excitedly. “Where?”

A slow smile spread across Wits’ face. “Someplace safe. Someplace away from the war. Someplace not even Sol Eater would be able to find us.”

Iron Maiden and Jargon shared a glance: one excited, the other nonplussed. “Where would that be, sir?” Jargon asked.

Wits grinned. “Inside Twilight Sparkle’s castle. It’s high time I plagued the princess with a personal, heartfelt apology. Maybe a song, with lots of visual aids and metaphors.”

Iron Maiden’s smile faltered. “Is… Is that a good idea, sir?”

“Oh, it’s the worst possible idea. That’s what makes it so great.”

“...I don’t follow.”

“It’s the advantage of having a reputation as a tactical genius.” Wits started walking. “No-pony expects you to make an obviously bad move. Come on! We’ll want to reach Ponyville before the rest of the army does.”

Iron Maiden watched the retreating form of the unicorn. “Does this sound like a good idea to you?” she asked Jargon in hushed tones.

Jargon shrugged as he started following. “I don’t really see how that’s relevant, ma’am.”

Iron Maiden remained still, watching the two stallions as they walked away. “I think,” she muttered, trotting to catch up, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

* * *

With a grunt of pain, Light Patch impacted the ground after another attempt at teleporting. Mostly to vacate Ponyville before an angry Twilight could chase him down. He dragged himself to his hooves and looked around.

“I feel a little bad for whomever is gonna have to make maps of this bit of history. They aren’t gonna like me and my random teleports,” Light Patch muttered as he looked around, tugging his clothes close against the chill. “Okay. That teleport failed wildly. Wrong direction and way farther than I meant to.” Light Patch took a few steps around the area he’d appeared in.

“No forest paths or other obvious signs...” Light Patch pulled out his pocket watch and opened it up only to find the cutie mark indicators for himself and his friends but not seeing the map. Humming with curiosity, he tried closing the pocket watch and reopening it, and then repeated the action when it failed the first time. After the fifth attempt -which still only provided minor fixes or changes and nothing of real use- he decided that the old tech support standby had failed him and he’d have to do something more dangerous. Actually trying to fix it, he closed the pocket watch and placed his other hoof on it. He felt out with his magic to the pocket watch and felt the spell connect with the timepiece.

Then he dropped it as electricity shot out and burned a hole in a nearby tree. After feeling sure it wouldn’t repeat the electrical attack on it’s own, he peaked out from behind the tree he was hiding behind. He watched for another minute or two before finally walking out to pick the pocket watch back up. He carefully flicked it open. The map was there, if heavily distorted, and the icons for himself and his friends were jumping around wildly.

Light Patch carefully closed the pocket watch and put it away. Then he focused on his powers and on trying to teleport rather than the usual feeling of being somewhere different along with maybe a change in the ambient temperature, new smells, and even a difference in breeze. When he opened his eyes, he discovered why only one of those had changed and not all. He squinted as he looked at the orb of fire around him.

“Right, that is the last of my control gone.” The pony sighed and tried to pull the cloak a little tighter around himself. Before he could pick a direction at random however, he was able to pick out a very faint sound.

Light Patch started to run the moment he was sure he knew the direction the sound was coming from. Using his cloak as shielding, he crashed directly through the worst of the underbrush.

Then came the moment when the sound went from distant and vaguely muffled to clear. He took off running as fast as his legs could carry him. It sounded as some twist of unusual luck had landed him near a train line with a train conveniently approaching.

He was not keen on missing the train. He was keen on missing the trees that were hidden behind the thickest of the underbrush.

This is where his pegasus wings proved to be quite useful. Mostly in allowing him to dodge the trees. It also allowed him to keep the speed up and soon the sound appeared to be coming from behind one last thicket of bushes.

If he hadn’t been in such a hurry, he might have questioned why he couldn’t see the train to either side of the thicket. But tunnel vision had set in quite heavily at this point. He crashed through the thicket and barely had time to register his surprise before the trap sprung. Rather than the expected train, instead it was a stately gramophone that greeted him.

Light Patch hung upside down in the net, confused for a moment as his brain reviewed the last few seconds in detail on repeat as if that would change the outcome. He was broken out of this fruitless loop by the sound of giggles. Well, one set of giggles and one of guffaws, which the grey pegasus remembered that Pinkie liked to say were the boisterous cousin of giggles.

“Did you see the look on his face!” One voice slightly rougher managed through it’s guffaws.

“I did! He was all-” the voice paused presumably for the pony who owned it to adopt an impression of his face, “-and now he’s all-”

There was a second fit of giggles and guffaws, that eventually started to quiet down around the time Light Patch’s brain was finally finished being confused. Light Patch twisted as he tried to look through the net at the two voices. He blinked at the sight of the pink and cyan mares.

“That worked?” they both said at the same time finally having calmed down.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘that worked’?” Rainbow’s raspier voice asked.

“I really didn’t expect it to work,” Pinkie clarified.

“Then why did we set this up?”

“Because it would have been funny if it did.”

“Oh, trust me it’s a real riot up here.”

“You can shush, Mister Caught-in-a-random-trap-in-the-middle-of-nowhere,” Rainbow said, lightly smacking Light Patch through the net holding.

“So why didn’t you think it would work, beyond the obvious?” Rainbow asked the pink party pony.

“Because his powers kind of equal mine, so they sort of cancel each other out, you know. It’s like flaky pastry dough versus tender pastry dough: if you try to mix them together, they just sort of cancel each other out.”

“I know how to make flaky and tender pastry dough.”

“I mean, feeling wise, I know how to do that too,” Pinkie said, using a hoof to send the netted pegasus spinning.

“Hey! Not cool!” Light Patch protested.

“Maybe a better analogy would be ‘playing opposing sound waves’. Ooh! Or matter and antimatter!” Rainbow sighed as Pinkie went on a diatribe of possible analogies.

“Analogies aside, why else are you surprised?”

“Oh, because I expected him to use his teleportation powers to-” Pinkie suddenly lunged for Light Patch, barely even slowing as she caught Rainbow Dash in the action as well.

With a puff of air, the three ponies popped out of existence from the forest and reappeared in an ice crevice up in the Frozen North.

Various muffled indications of pain were voiced as they rose to their hooves.

“Great. Where are we now?” Rainbow asked after a moment of looking around.

“Even further north, I’d guess. My punishment for trying to use fire to break the net, I bet,” Light Patch groused, tugging at his cloak a little more. “Teleported into the ice again. I’m really starting to hate the cold.”

“As a pegasus, you’ll get used to it. Now, come on. Let’s-” The rest of Rainbow’s sentence was cut off by a cry of anger above them.

The three looked up in time to watch a minotaur jump over the chasm. That minotaur was followed by a second pair shortly after and then some griffons. That was also when the trio of ponies realized that the noise they could hear wasn’t their breaths and steps echoing off the ice walls but actually the sound of a battle above them.

A new noise assaulted their ears and the ground shook as three diamond dogs burst into the bottom of the chasm. The dogs immediately caught sight of the three ponies and promptly charged.

Pinkie quickly drew out a bowl of cake batter and tossed it. The dog she targeted blocked the bowl with his arms, but yelped as the batter fell to his feet and froze, sticking him in place.

Rainbow Dash flared her wings and at the last second burst into the air above the dog that charged her, causing it to slam into the wall behind her and knocking itself unconscious.

Light Patch ducked under the halberd of the dog charging him and grabbed the end of the shaft, slamming it up into the dog's chin and throwing it backwards. Light Patch then did a perfect swing of his warhammer onto the dog.

A knowledgeable observer would have complimented him on his form or technique, maybe how perfect his hoof placement was. The astute observer would have pointed out that a warhammer was an odd weapon choice for the cramped conditions or how just doing a follow up blow with the halberd might have been a more efficient choice.

Most observers, however, would have simply settled for pointing out that he in fact had no warhammer, and the air moved by his empty hooves lacked necessary force. But his follow up kick was quite sufficient. Light Patch looked up from the diamond dog at the two other mares who were watching him each with a separate eyebrow raised.

“You know that's more effective with an actual warhammer, right?” Rainbow asked.

“Hey Rainbow, did that style remind you of anypony else?” Pinkie asked, tapping her head trying to summon the memory. Unfortunately, memories are kind of like fish in that they’d really rather you don’t tap the skull. Light Patch was about to comment on where he thought the style was familiar from, but more tremors ended up shaking the words out of his mouth before they could be said. A much larger and, this time, armored diamond dog appeared through the ice.

“Truce?” Pinkie asked as the dog squared off to face the ponies.

“Truce, but if any of these diamond dogs turn out to be named Ambul, I’m going to vote we just fly up and into the middle of the battle above the ice,” Light Patch stipulated as the dog charged, bellowing a warcry.

* * *

“A little more to the left.”

Spike would have rolled his eyes at Twilight’s nitpicking had he not had to balance precariously atop a high ladder against the wall. Instead, he carefully inched on tiptoe to the left, his arm muscles straining to shift the bright red tack to where Twilight needed it.

“Perfect! Put it in!”

With a mighty exhale that he totally didn’t consider lighting on fire, the small dragon stabbed the tack into the board with unnecessary force. Nodding his head in satisfaction, Spike stepped down, braced his claws on each side of the ladder, and slid down to the floor. Stepping off, he dusted his hands and strode over to where Twilight stood, turning to gaze up at the spiderweb of strings criss-crossing over a majority of the paper-covered wall.

“Are you sure there isn’t a simpler way to compile your notes, Twilight?” asked the purpled dragon. “This looks a bit… overwhelming.”

“Simpler, yes,” Twilight confirmed, eyes darting over the mass of papers and string. “Doesn’t look nearly as epic as this, though.” The alicorn blinked, dropping her gaze from the wall as a scowl twisted her lips. “The sooner we get the villains out of the colts and myself, the sooner I’ll stop acting like them.”

Spike put a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “Hey, come on, Twilight. We don’t know for sure that you have any villain in you, right?”

“There’s two possibilities,” Twilight said. “The most likely one is that I at least have some aspect of Bael in me.”

“What’s the other?”

Twilight’s face paled. “...I have some aspect of Wits End in me, which is letting me mimic Bael.”

“A fate worse than death,” Spike deadpanned.

“And you’ve got some aspect of a smartflank in you,” Twilight shot back.

“At least your banter has gotten better because of all this.”

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, and immediately snapped it shut. “This is serious,” she said eventually, returning to her usual studious manner. “Purple Heart, Light Patch, and Wits End got the majority of their respective villains’ nature in them.” She picked up a pointer and gestured towards pinned pictures of each of the colts in turn. “This is obvious both from how the map reacted to them, and by their behavior. Purple Heart’s manipulation of those in power, Wits’ drive for his own status, and Light Patch’s search for an artifact to change the nature of things around him.”

Spike nodded. “Makes sense so far. But how would any of that get to you?”

“Because I’m the one that pulled them out of that limbo they were stuck in,” Twilight explained. “In order to get to them, I had to make direct contact with their magical essence through the dimensional barrier.” She pointed to a diagram that had been repurposed from an analysis on cleaning rags. “Whenever you make contact with something, most of that thing stays intact, but…”

“A little bit sticks to you,” Spike finished. “I’ve cleaned up enough of Pinkie Pie’s messes to understand that one.”

“Exactly! This is like if you tried to clean up spilled cake batter using your soul.” Twilight blinked. “Who do you think is at fault for giving me that terrible analogy?”

“More importantly,” Spike said, “how do we get everything that’s not you out of you? Is there a dry-cleaning for soul essence?”

“Let’s drop the soul-as-towel analogy, shall we?” Twilight stepped closer to her wall of notes, peering at a collection of formuli scattered between Light Patch and Moon Dancer’s photos. “I’m sure that the spell I gave Moon Dancer should have done something more than just breaking the Orb of Glacious. If anything, it should have split Light Patch and Just Duty apart. If I cast it on myself, it should split out anything that isn’t me.”

Spike coughed. “Uh, didn’t you say it might split like ‘left side and right side’?”
“...Yes. That is the other possibility, yes.”
“Maybe we should make that Plan B, then?
“A distant Plan B,” Twilight agreed. “Actually, make it Plan Z and lemon scented.”

“What about the samples you got from the colts?” Spike asked. “Do those help?”

Twilight sighed. “Yes and no. Having the fresh, preserved samples of the Colts’ magical signatures will help with tracking them, and maybe I can use them to scan myself for any traces of them in me, but it’s not like I can use them as a magnet to draw the rest of the Soul Junk out of me.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “We’re calling it ‘Soul Junk’ now?”

“It’s easier than saying ‘the unknown vestiges of six other ponies that’re causing me to act differently and slowly giving me their powers’.”

“...Soul Junk it is.” Spike hopped up onto a stool and took a seat. “How about if we treat this like one of those practical exams Princess Celestia used to give you? I’ll ask you questions, and you explain like you’re talking to… let’s say Rainbow Dash. We’ll start with the part that doesn’t match with the others: why did the Orb break when Moon Dancer cast the spell on Light Patch?”

Twilight’s face screwed up as she thought. “The spell was meant to find the pieces of Just Duty’s Soul Junk, take it, and move it out of Light Patch’s body. The Orb was created to boost magic, so potentially it tried to amplify the spell? But that would only make the spell more powerful, not change the target…”

The two of them were silent as they pondered. Eventually, Spike tapped the stool. “What if it didn’t change the target?”

“What?”

“You said the spell was supposed to find Just Duty’s Soul Junk, right? What if not all of the Soul Junk was in Light Patch?”

Twilight stroked her chin. “Based on how the spell was developed… It would expand the search to the surrounding area, until it ran out of energy.”

“And if there was something that boosted the available energy?”

Twilight’s face lit up with a sudden dawning realization. “Then it would keep searching, sending out a magical pulse! And since the spell didn’t have any limiters on how much energy it could use, it would’ve drawn everything out of the Orb it could!”

“And without any magical energy-”

“-then the Orb wouldn’t have been able to hold itself together, and would’ve broken along one of the existing micro-fractures! The spell worked! It just didn’t have sufficiently restrictive parameters!”

Spike grinned. “I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a breakthrough!”

Twilight whirled around, rearranging sections of her notes. “So if that’s the case, then the spell would’ve sought out any other pieces of Just Duty’s Soul Junk as far as the Orb’s energy would allow. Which would mean…” Her eyes landed on a local newspaper article: the one on the duel between Purple Heart and Wits End, and the magical wave that interrupted it. “Spike, did anypony in the Crystal Empire report that pulse from when the Orb broke?”

“Uhh…” Spike hopped off the stool and moved to a stack of reports—status updates from across Equestria, provided by Just Duty from Bleeker’s things. “It looks like… no? But, wouldn’t a wave like that have reached the Crystal Empire before it reached Ponyville? What does- Twilight?”

The alicorn had thrown the door open. “I have a theory!” she shouted, already halfway down the hall.

By the time Spike caught up with her, Twilight was already under the Cutie Mark Map. “Twilight? What’s going on?”

“What’s going on,” Twilight muttered, “is that I have that proof you were looking for before.”

“What?” Spike shook his head. “Twilight, the Map doesn’t work. Everypony’s tried to fix it! Even Trixie did, after undoing the sabotage she did before! You can’t find the colts with it!”

“I don’t need to find the colts,” Twilight said, her voice muffled by something held between her teeth. “I just need to find…”

There was a sparking noise, along with a yelp from Twilight. A moment later, a few hazy shapes began to take form over the Cutie Mark Map—nothing so distinct that Spike could tell what or where they were, but shapes that definitely existed in some vague manner. “Whatever you did, it-”

“Hold that thought, please!” Twilight jabbed at the underside of the table with her magic. “Narrow the focus down to just the castle… and…” She slid out and stood, mane frazzled and smelling faintly of ozone. “There!”

Spike looked at the symbols hovering over Ponyville, eyebrow ridges knitted as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to see. “What is it?”

“The magical signatures for the Elements of Harmony and the Colts,” Twilight explained, “in the castle, right now.”

Floating over the map was Twilight’s cutie mark. Surrounding that were six smaller, less focused marks. “Twilight,” Spike said, “that’s-”

“The colts,” she finished. “And their villains.”

Spike pointed at the floor under his feet. “They’re here?”

Twilight pointed at the side of her head. “They’re here. That’s why it was so hard to find them on the map even before Light Patch messed with it. The map expects for 100% of a pony to be in one place. I’d say there’s about… two, maybe three percent of each of those six magical signatures in me?”

“...Is that good?”

“It’s a breakthrough in how we understand the fundamentals of magical signatures,” Twilight said, starting to come down from the adrenaline high. “It’s exciting. Not good in our case, but exciting nonetheless.”

Spike stared at the map, eyes fixed on Twilight’s signature cutie mark and the half dozen symbols orbiting it. “So… now what? You confirmed your theory and got the map in pseudo-working order again. What comes next?”

Twilight sat in her throne, restraining the urge to slump bonelessly on the seat as a wave of exhaustion hit her. “Well… I should fine tune the spell formula I gave Moon Dancer so that it’ll separate the Villain Soul Junk from the Colts. With the data we’ve collected, I’m certain a finalized spell matrix can be achieved with a day or two of work. Beyond that-”

The alicorn was interrupted by an alarmingly loud hiccup from Spike that had the small dragon exhaling a burst of green flame. Materializing before them was a wrapped scroll that clacked loudly to the floor.

Twilight picked up the scroll. “Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she read, “please present yourself with all haste before Regent Blueblood tomorrow morning at 9am.” She blinked once. “Oh yeh. Forgot about him.”

Spike coughed, releasing a small gout of flame as he stared up at Twilight incredulously.

“You forgot about him?!” he squawked. A fit of coughing hit him and it took the small dragon about a minute of deep breaths and throat clearing to reclaim enough air to speak with ease. “We’ve gone through two separate regents in the span of several months! One was ‘indisposed’, the other abdicated because the senate got snippy, then the FIRST miraculously came back! How are you not keeping up with the political climate in Canterlot?!”

Twilight swallowed loudly. “Bit busy with applying the scientific method to magical forces,” she replied.

Spike threw up his claws and stomped towards the door. “Am I the ONLY ONE who reads the paper around here anymore?!” He whirled around, pointing a claw at Twilight. “Get some rest! We have an early appointment with bullcarp tomorrow, and I need a drink!”

The alicorn spluttered in surprise, glancing out the window. “But it's early afternoon-”

“Didn’t stop you!” Spike called over his shoulder as he left the map room.

Twilight stared after her diminutive assistant with surprise and no small amount of shock on her face.

“I think he might be in need of a vacation as much as I am...”

Chapter 44: Don’t Drink and Type

Blueblood sat on the throne in Canterlot Castle, doing his best to not scream with panic as the advisors around him argued back and forth. He had most certainly not been expecting this madness to greet him when he had mysteriously found himself in Canterlot for the first time in weeks.

When his advisors had asked him his agenda for his time as Regent of Equestria, he hadn’t had an answer for them. Words failed to pass his lips as he panicked internally, all while outwardly presenting what he had hoped was a veneer of contemplation. Instead, it looked more like pained constipation. His panic had nearly reached boiling point when Beekler Alfreeves had whispered a suggestion in his ear of touring the northeastern holdings of Equestria. Latching on to the idea, Blueblood had recited the suggestion word for word and followed up with installing Beekler as Sub-Regent for the duration of his sabbatical.

A voice broke him from his wistful ruminations.

“Your majesty! What is your first decree as Re-Regent?!” a pony cried, silencing the cacophony of voices.

Blueblood blinked, lifting his gaze from his forehooves and resisting the urge to flinch. All eyes were on him, questioning intent clear in each gaze he met with his own.

“Ehm...” The pale unicorn coughed to clear his throat. When would Twilight arrive to get him out of this mess?! “My first decree as Re-Regent is to be allowed to quit...”

He gulped as all those eyes hardened.

“Followed promptly by my second decree of qui-”

Magic sizzled in the air at the bottom of the dais and, with a loud crack, Twilight Sparkle appeared before Blueblood and the assembly of advisors. “Prince Blueblood,” she said, dusting an errant mote of magical energy from one of her shoulders. She took in the situation, noting members of almost every branch of Equestria’s government in attendance. “I… hope this isn’t a bad time.”

“Your timing couldn’t be more perfect,” Blueblood said, a little too quickly. “Princess Twilight, if I could have a word with you in private?” He gave her a look that said something along the lines of ‘for the love of my aunts please’.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? These other ponies were here fir-”

“I’m sure they won’t mind waiting!” Blueblood squeaked impressively. “Just a moment, everypony!” He hopped off the throne, ignoring the stunned expressions of the other ponies as he wrapped a forehoof around Twilight’s shoulder and led her to a sideroom.

Or, more accurately, a closet. The door closed with a click, leaving the two of them in darkness. “I’m not entirely sure what’s happening here,” Twilight said, “but if you try anything untowa- Is somepony crying?”

There was a sniffle. “Perhaps.”

“...Is it you, Blueblood?”

“...Yes. Oh Twilight, thank my aunts you’re here! It’s been an absolute nightmare ever since that dastardly oaf dropped the throne in my lap!”

Twilight sighed, summoning an orb of light above her. The closet would have held the Princesses’ emergency dresses, kept in case of a foreign ambassador’s sudden arrival, but those seemed to have been cleared out at some point during the changes in power. “I guess they didn’t get Purple Heart measured before he scarpered,” she thought. “From what I heard, Bleekler didn’t drop the throne on you. You handed the succession over to him, and then went on vacation.”

“A temporary leave of absence!” Blueblood whined. “A necessity for anypony in a stressful situation like the ones we find ourselves in-”

“You’re the regent,” Twilight snapped. “And there’s a war.”

“What do you think was making this so darn stressful? The catering?” Blueblood scoffed; the indignation helping to cover his former panic. “That blasted butler spent all his time on the blasted war, so everypony else has been chomping at the bit to get the attention of anypony in power! And with my aunts who-knows-where and you doing who-knows-what, guess who that left to shoulder all that responsibility?”

Twilight hoped that her light spell didn’t reveal too much of the look on her face. “It’s talking to ponies,” she deadpanned. “You do that all the time at parties.”

“Not just talking! Making decisions! Decisions that could have widespread ramifications across all of Equestria! I’m made for deciding dinner courses, not the course of history!”

There was a part of Twilight that wondered if their ranks in the Equestrian government were close enough that she could slap the stallion without being tried for treason. Instead, she glanced around the closet, found one of the monogrammed paper bags that Celestia kept for putting visitors’ souvenirs in, and passed it to Blueblood. “Breathe into this.”

Blueblood looked down at the bag. “It’s not silk.”

Twilight slapped the opening of the bag over his muzzle. “In order: shut up, breathe, and listen.” She gave him a minute as he inflated and deflated the bag. When she spoke again, she did so slowly. “Right now, you and I are the highest ranking ponies in all of Equestria, and Celestia and Luna named you the regent for a reason. Blueblood, If any other pony was sitting on that throne, they’d be using it to rewrite Equestria’s history. But instead, they chose you. Do you know why?”

“Because I’m a self-centered coward who’s too scared to do anything like that?”

“Well, points for being self-aware,” Twilight thought. “If nothing else,” she continued, “you just need to keep Equestria running the way it always has been. Don’t worry about making waves right now. Just… make the choices that cause the smallest ripples. Alright?”

After a moment, Blueblood nodded. “Just one question,” he said, voice muffled by the bag.

“Go ahead.”

“Which choices are those?”

If it wasn’t for her exceptional restraint, Twilight would have set a record for Equestria’s longest continuous sigh. “Tell me what those ponies out there are asking you about,” she said eventually, “and I’ll give you some pointers.”

Blueblood swallowed, nodding shakily as he rubbed at his face with a hoof. “Ehm...” he grunted, eyes flicking back and forth, seeing nothing. Twilight arched an eyebrow, shifting to rest more comfortably on her hooves.

“Well?” she prompted. Blueblood blinked at her.

“Oh! You want me to go first.” He shook himself, missing the alicorn roll her eyes. “Well, from what I could understand from their heinous caterwauling, things aren’t going very well on the military side of things. For one, Baltimare was captured-”

“That happened weeks ago,” Twilight interrupted.

“Ah. Well, Baltimare is STILL captured and nothing has been done about it. I sent messengers to summon Casus Belli and Belisaddelus, but neither of them turned up! It’s been days since anypony saw hide or hair of them and I’m starting to worry!

“On the domestic side, the senators from the captured territories are demanding assistance in retaking their homes. They petitioned for the Panel of International Situation Solutions to send a response team out to drive the invasion force from their land, but the Panel refused on account of a backlog of cases!

“Further, some of the lower ranked officers stationed here in Canterlot have received reports of elephants of all things crossing the Big Macintosh Hills out of the Badlands! What even are elephants, Princess Sparkle?! In all your travels dealing with the commoners, have you ever encountered such creatures?!”

“They’re civilized creatures, Blueblood,” Twilight explained. “Their rajas rule in the distant south, around where the zebras are from.” She frowned. “Although, what would elephants be doing so far north? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a report of more than two or three elephants in Equestria at one time. How many are there in the reports?”

Blueblood shrugged. “Dozens? Hundreds? How should I know?”

“...It would be in the reports. Did you read the reports?”

“Am I supposed to read every report that gets tossed my way?” Blueblood scoffed.

Twilight’s eyes were getting tired from all of the rolling they were doing. “Anything else?”

Blueblood frowned, his forehead furrowing as he tried to remember. “That ambassador of cousin Cadance’s was saying something… Something about bandits? But it sounded like the bandits were fighting each other, so I didn’t bother paying attention after that.”

“Bandits fighting bandits?” Twilight frowned. “Sounds like Light Patch lost control of his puppets after Moondancer broke the Orb. I’ll have to have Spike send Cadance a letter about that.” She paused, a thought turning over in her head. “Puppets, huh…”

“Blueblood.”

“Hmm? Yes?”

“I’m going to try something. It’s… a little spell to help you out. It should, if I’m right, give you a little… helping hoof when it comes to making these decisions. Like if I were giving you advice.”

Blueblood sighed in relief. “I could certainly use that right now. Well? Go ahead then.”

Twilight focused her attention inward, reaching for a magic inside her that wasn’t quite hers. Sifting through the swirling masses of energy, she quickly found a mana that was at once both familiar, and foreign to her. She grabbed it, mentally, and brought it to the fore, directing it towards the stallion that stood, eyes closed before her.

A single, thin, green thread emerged from between her back, right between her wings. She watched it as one end floated over her head, mentally directing it like a filly steered a kite. Slowly, almost casually, the end of the thread drifted down and looped lazily around the back of Blueblood’s head, before entering soundlessly into the base of his skull.

Blueblood’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Hmm.”

Twilight froze. “Are you alright?”

“Just a cramp from keeping still for so long. Are you almost through yet?”

“Almost,” Twilight sighed. She turned her attention back to the thread, trying to imagine how Purple Heart—or more accurately, Bael—would exert his influence on ponies through one of these threads. “I don’t need complete control,” she thought. “Just a little push in the right direction. Something like a voice of reason, or an angel on his shoulder.”

She felt what could only be described as a mental shake, like an involuntary movement from a phantom limb. With that, the thread disconnected from her back, sinking into Blueblood like a piece of spaghetti being slurped up.

Twilight was silent for a moment, her brain still processing what had just happened. “Well?” she said eventually. “How do you feel?”

Blueblood opened his eyes. “Well, I’m not sure what you did,” he said, slowly. His face broke into a wide grin. “But I feel incredible!”

Twilight’s lip twitched. “So you know how to handle things now?”

“Oh, not at all! But I feel like I’ll know what to do when the time comes! That’s a fair sight better than how I felt before!”

After a moment of thought, Twilight shrugged. “I’ll take it.”

“Say, can we get out of this closet now? I’m starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.”

The closet was bigger than some pony’s bedrooms, but Twilight was in no mood to argue that point. “Sure. Let’s go.”

The two ponies stood in silence for a beat. Blueblood cleared his throat. “Aren’t you going to open the door?”

Twilight was starting to wonder if one could pull a muscle rolling their eyes. She extinguished her light spell and swung the closet door open.

Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, Blueblood strode past her, head held high as he approached the collection of advisors milling about before the throne. With measured steps, he ascended the dais to the throne and sat, lifting a hoof once he’d settled to forestall any questions or demands.

“Friends, ponies, Equestrians, lend me your ears,” he stated, gesturing over the crowd with a hoof. “Four score and seven years ago-”

Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed as Blueblood set about laying forth his plans to the assembly. “He did say it would come to him eventually,” she thought. “Best not to push him too far too quickly.”

She shut the door, shrouding herself in darkness. With a nod of satisfaction, she cast her teleportation spell again and vanished, promptly appearing in her chambers within her castle in Ponyville. With a groan, she rolled her neck, sighing with relief as she walked towards her recently installed minibar beside her balcony. Her magic flitted out, reaching for the bottles of Vermuleth and Sherry; only to find the places where those bottles normally resided empty. She frowned. “I can’t be out already.”

“Actually, we went through quite a bit recently.” A glass slid in front of her, filled with an off-purple liquid and garnished with a pair of bright red cherries on a bejeweled skewer. “Give that a try.”

Twilight, mentally drained and too tired to care about that fact, lifted the glass to her lips and sipped it. The taste was… unique. Not unpleasant in the slightest, and far smoother than the Cider that had started this recent fascination of hers into the art of mixology. “That’s nice,” she mused.

“Where I come from, it’s called an Aviation.”

“You’ll have to teach me the reci-” Something clicked in Twilight’s brain, and she turned towards the voice.

Wits End held out a shaker, rattling the crushed ice inside. “Top up?”

It was in that moment where Twilight realized why so many unicorns had searched for a way to turn magical energy directly into physical objects, because she had never wanted to literally glare daggers at a pony more than now. “What are you doing in my home, Wits?”

“Mixing drinks.” Wits topped off her glass and picked up his own—filled halfway with a golden, almost honey-colored liquid. “You’ve got a lot of booze here. When did you start drinking?”

“Shortly after you three started ruining Equestria. Weren’t you a teetotaler in the other world?”

“Weren’t you and Applejack the ones who forced hard cider on me the moment you two had me alone?” Wits poked a cocktail stick into the jar of cherries, and popped one of the fruits into his mouth. “I’d say you’re the bad influence here.”

“And I’d say I need to invest in better locks, since everypony and their mother seems to find a way in here.” Twilight resisted the temptation to dramatically slug back the rest of her drink, and instead sipped it to prolong the flavor. “So, are you here on your own? Or did you send Trixie here to butter me up?”

Wits looked up from seeing how many cherries he could fit on the skewer at once. “To be completely honest: yes, I did. But even setting Trixie aside, I didn’t come alone.”

“Who did you bring with you?”

“Roughly one-tenth of the Alicorn army.”

Twilight sipped her drink—a longer pull this time. The drink really was quite good. “Where are they?”

“Out back. I think they’re quite enjoying the stores of Apple Family Cider you invested in.”

“That was expensive, you know.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“How?”

Wits topped off her glass with the remainder in the shaker. “How about that?”

Twilight took a sip. “A little more watered down, but we’ll call it a down payment. Shouldn’t you be leading the invading army or something?’

Wits set out a few bottles, his summoned hands picking up the shaker. “See, that’s a funny story.”

“You have until my glass is empty.”

“It’s not a short story.”

Twilight smirked. “Then you better keep these coming,” she said, holding up her glass.

* * *

The guard posted at the western entrance of the Second Alicorn Diarchy Base Camp squinted at the shorter than average alicorn soldier on the opposite side of his desk.

“You seem a little short for-”

“WHO YOU CALLIN’ SHORT, YOU TOWERING BERK?!” snapped the green and gold alicorn. The poor guy’s armour hung off his frame.

The guard blinked. “...You.”

The soldier’s eyes twitched (not that the guard could see them) and slammed a hoof on the table. “Private Con Arteest, returning from patrol of the Western Perimeter!”

With a roll of his eyes, the guard skimmed his papers, finding the check-out entry for the day’s Western Perimeter Patrol. His brow furrowed upon finding the entry. The name the private gave wasn’t there. The guard’s eyes lifted and his mouth opened to cry ‘alarm’. His vision flashed green as something struck his temple. He blinked, shaking his head in confusion.

“You okay?”

The guard looked across his table at the alicorn soldier before him. The colt was giving him a concerned look.

“Yeah,” the guard replied slowly. He shook his head again. “Sorry. Felt a little dizzy for a second there.”

The soldier nodded. “You might wanna have a medic check you out after your shift,” he suggested.

Nodding in agreement, the guard smiled weakly. “Probably. It’s been a long campaign.” The two alicorns chuckled and the guard waved a hoof at the camp. “You’re all cleared. Welcome back.”

Purple Heart nodded and saluted as he stepped past the check-in post into the Alicorn Base Camp. A low exhale expelled itself from his chest.

“That could’ve gone smoother,” the disguised colt muttered. “Gotta get better with sizing.” He made his way over to a section of tents, nodding to other off-duty soldiers as he passed between the simple housing for the rank and file. Once he found one that was unoccupied, he slipped inside. Seconds later, he reappeared, his small green and gold alicorn disguise now larger with gold hide accented by purple patches. A blank faceplate concealed his features from any onlookers while his armour became more ornate, yet remained practical for actual combat.

Shifting his helmed head, he peered around for a few seconds until his gaze alighted on a pair of alicorns by a kettle over a small fire. Rolling his shoulders back, he approached the pair with long, regal strides.

“Pardon me,” he rumbled deeply. A smirk curved his lips when the alicorns jerked in surprise and looked at him. “Could either of you inform me of the Strategos’ whereabouts?”

One alicorn, a stocky female, blinked up at him. “Barn near the center of camp.” She gestured with a wing. “You can’t miss it. Just listen for the shouting.”

Purple Heart inclined his head in gratitude, turning to look in the direction the soldier had indicated. In the distance, he could indeed see a barn next to a large, ostentatious blue tent with black trim and heraldry. Without further ado, he set off down the dirt path towards his new destination, idly observing the goings on of the camp around him.

A cry of outrage sounded off to his left followed by a shout of ‘seize them!’ Quirking a brow in interest, he craned his neck to peer over the tents towards the source of the disturbance. His height was just enough that he could see just a hint of the action. About a hundred paces away, a tall white alicorn was screeching expletives and hurling bolts of magic at what Purple Heart could only assume was a less skilled intruder. A smug smile curved his lips as he listened to the combat, silently thanking the intruder for their unknowing distraction for his own infiltration.

A violent crash sounded, somewhat behind him this time, and the disguised colt looked over his shoulder to see a large tent collapse in on itself. Then, a beam of incandescent light pierced the sky and the tent split to reveal the white alicorn from before now flapping angrily into the air.

“WHERE ARE THEY?!” roared the alicorn, voice filled with rage and fury. Purple Heart immediately turned away and lengthened his stride, eager to reach the barn before the pissed off alicorn sought out a new target to rain hellfire on. He reached the barn in no time at all and slipped inside, doffing his disguise as he slipped through the door.

The inside of the small barn was, in a word, a mess. A desk lay upturned quite splendidly at one end, with papers and errata scattered before it in an arc. On one wall hung a map of Equestria, strung with strings and pins to represent the front lines of the conflict; many of which had come undone and now hung limply from their surviving compatriots. Opposite the desk was a series of roughly assembled file cabinets, with roughly half of them in a state of rapid disassembly and, for lack of a better word, charring. Finally, as if to top the whole post mortem off, a masterwork chair sat upturned in the middle of the room, decorated with bands of cloth and menacing with spikes of polished wood.

“Seems like someone had a bit of a tantrum,” Purple Heart muttered, eyeing the mess with an amused look. He stepped amongst the clutter, passing a small desk nearly hidden in an alcove behind the door and promptly gagged.

“Someone didn’t know how to handle a shower,” he wheezed once he reached the opposite end of the building. Wiping his eyes with a hoof, he cast a cursory look over the papers and flicked out some strings to pick them up. Most of them were troop movements, scribbled out memos, some haphazard battle schematics, and all of them were useless.

“I wonder where the sneaky bugger is… Must be walking amongst his personal troops or something...”

He’d just reached the map of Equestria when pounding hooves from outside reached his ears. A brief bout of panic hit him as his mind blanked on what to do.

“Hide, you idiot! HIDE!” he hissed to himself, eyes darting around the chamber as the pounding drew closer. He looked up, eyes locking on the high ceiling.

“That’ll work,” he whispered.

The door burst open and two alicorns crashed inside, glaring at the cluttered room with fury while Purple Heart hung suspended from his strings above their heads.

“He shall be found, sister,” Penumbra was saying, trying to keep her voice even. “With time, our scouts shall seek him out and-”

“Time?” There was a burst of light and heat from Sol Eater’s mane, leaving a heat haze around her pacing form. “We can add ‘time’ to the rapidly growing pile of things we don’t have! Along with a regiment of alicorns, an entire population of those blasted Batponies, and lest we forget, a Strategos!” She let out another yell, and another burst of light.

Penumbra didn’t flinch as the cabinet behind her exploded into splinters and flames. “He shall be found,” she repeated, her tone harder now. “Furthermore, the destruction of his office seems unlikely to bring his return. Please, be calm.”

“I will not be calm!” Sol Eater roared.

Penumbra lifted the masterwork chair with her magic and righted it. “Then be seated,” she said flatly. “And refrain from destroying the possibility of evidence to his whereabouts, if you will.”

Sol Eater’s eyes jumped to the chair, then to the burning remains of the file cabinet, then back to the chair. With a huff, her magic immolated the chair, reducing it to a masterwork pile of ashes. “I never liked that chair,” she snarled. “More like the seat of a delusional supply clerk than a ruler.”

With a sigh, Penumbra extinguished the smoldering remains around them. “If nothing else, this is at the least the lowest possible point of the day.”

Purple Heart grinned, unlatching his strings from the ceiling and sending them to weave around the two alicorns as he landed on the floor heavily. Grinning at the twin expressions of surprise, he saluted cheekily.

“Hello there,” he greeted.

Sol Eater looked down at the green strings entangling her body, following them back to the colt. Her surprised expression turned to a smirk. “Purple Heart. You are a bold one.”

Purple Heart cocked an eyebrow at the white alicorn. “Never been called bold before,” he mused. “I mean, infiltrating an enemy camp is certainly audacious, I’ll admit. But your lovely rampage certainly made it easier to get in here.”

“I find myself curious as to why you are in here,” Penumbra said. “Last we heard of you, you had made a fool of our Strategos. What leads to a fellow ruler infiltrating the camp of an adversary, I wonder?”

“Conquest,” Purple Heart replied. “All the hip ponies are doing it these days, so I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon.” He looked around the charred remains of what once was Wits’ office. “And I was hoping to deal with Wits without too much difficulty. So-” He tightened the strings around the two alicorns and lowered his voice to a growl. “-give him to me, and I won’t wipe this encampment from the surface of Equestria.”

Penumbra seemed concerned, but Sol Eater simply laughed. “And here I thought you were only interested in hoof-fights and secret princesses! You’re more than welcome to go looking for him.” She motioned with her head towards the door. “If you find him first, I’ll even let you have the first swing.”

“Sister…” Penumbra hissed. “This one is dangerous.”

“And if he wanted us dead, he would have led with an attempt,” Sol Eater replied, before turning her attention back to Purple Heart. “And if you intended to end the war, you would have acted on your threat instead of presenting it to us. But you came here on your own, into the heart of your enemy, looking for your little friend. Could it be you don’t want him as harmed as you make it seem? Or are you the only one allowed to beat the life out of him?”

Purple Heart frowned, staring questioningly at Sol Eater. “What do you mean ‘go looking for him’? Have you sent him on some mission to the opposite end of Equestria?”

“In a sense,” Penumbra muttered. “He may well be on the far end of this world by now.”

“But not by our order,” Sol Eater continued for her. “If anything, he fled to avoid me doing to him exactly what you’re doing to us right now.” She gave an almost mocking struggle against the strings. “Although, I would have made these tighter on him. For such a brute, you’re quite gentle when it comes to the mares, aren’t you?”

Purple Heart blinked once. Then again. “He… fled?” he asked. The two alicorns frowned at each other, then nodded together. The purple earth pony sucked his lips against his teeth and frowned.

“Hmm. Ahuh. Okay.”

“I take it you weren’t expecting this when you first planned to infiltrate,” Penumbra stated.

“OF COURSE NOT!” Purple Heart snapped, glaring at the darkly-colored alicorn. “Why the absolute carp would I consider the possibility of him bamfing away from you two?! I had everything planned! Mostly! Sort of! I had a plan! Wits End fleeing was NOT part of the plan!”

Sol Eater chuckled. “Well, it is nice to see that he vexes you as much as he does me.”

Penumbra watched the two of them for a moment. “Perhaps…”

Purple Heart shot a second, back-up glare at the alicorn. “Oh no, none of that ‘maybe possibly perhaps’ stuff. Spit it out.”

“Could it be, dear sister,” Penumbra mused, “that you have a rival for our former Strategos’ affections?”

Sol Eater stared at her sister for a full beat. Then at Purple Heart. Then back to her sister. “What.”

“It would explain much,” Penumbra continued. “The single-minded persistence. The willingness to meet in single combat. The way that he saw us not as a threat to his kingdom, but to his so-called ‘friend’...”

It took a second for the purple earth pony to parse through Penumbra’s words. “...Wat? Rival for his affections...” Purple Heart’s face blanched and he recoiled, not noticing his strings slacken their grip on the two mares. “No. No, no, nononono. NO. I am NOT attracted to Wits of all ponies! I figure that, considering he’s the mastermind of all this, taking him out will help end this conflict faster! Without him as your little… whatever he is to you, you’ll surrender and this whole thing will be wrapped up so that WE THREE can finally get out of this mad house of a world to live OUR OWN LIVES!” He turned his baleful gaze on the pair of alicorns, his face a mask of incandescent rage.

He blinked. “What the bu-”

Sol Eater shrugged the last of the loosened strings off of her, her smirk turning into a sneer. “I told you,” she said, as Penumbra shook a string off of her own hoof. “You should have made them tighter.”

The muscles in Purple Heart’s jaw jumping violently was all the warning the pair of alicorns had. Strings erupted from his chest and back, tearing towards the two alicorns. Sol Eater and Penumbra vanished in a hail of shattered timber and debris as they soared heavenward to escape Purple Heart’s sudden attack. The duo flapped in place high above their encampment, watching silently as the large earth pony rose from the ruins of the barn on thick, green trunks of interwoven strings.

From their lofty height, the two alicorn rulers could just barely make out the muscles in Purple Heart’s neck flex as he roared a single inarticulate battlecry.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!”

An answering call trumpeted from the hills to the east and a swathe of great, grey behemoths lumbered into view. The trees to the west trembled and gushed forth a wave of black armoured ponies. Both forces thundered towards the encampment between them. Purple Heart himself banished his stilts and fell, cratering into the center of the camp with a crash.

“I think that is why he didn’t bind us tighter,” Penumbra commented dully. “He wanted to make a statement.”

“I hate statements,” Sol Eater mumbled, watching the alicorns below them scramble to form defenses against the invaders. “How did they get here?”

“Mayhaps our former strategos allowed them to slip in,” Penumbra mused. “Or his attempts to slow the war allowed the purple barbarian time to muster his forces.”

Sol Eater tisked, watching as their forces formed the earth around them into trenches and walls to funnel the invaders, only for those defences to be smashed by the charging tusked elephants. “This is a terrible place for a last stand,” she muttered, her horn gathering silver flames about it. “But, if it’s to be an end, I shall make it one this world will certainly remember.”

“Hold, sister.” Penumbra put a hoof on Sol Eater’s shoulder. “An end, yes, but not the end. Might we suggest an alternative?”

After a moment of hesitation, Sol Eater extinguished her flames. “Go on.”

“As our strategos did to us, we do to the foes below.” Penumbra motioned to the hastily formed front line of alicorns. “Take thee the strongest and most loyal of our forces, and we shall take the remainder to hold strong.”

“You want to sacrifice yourself here?”

“Not here. We shall return to the portal to our own world. The shifting forest there shall provide ample protection from attackers.” Penumbra seemed to think for a moment. “Five days hence, no later than first light.”

Sol Eater hesitated. “But what would I do until then?”

“What would thou do, we wonder,” Penumbra flashed a wicked smile, “without thy sister to keep a steady eye on thee?”

Slowly, Sol Eater grinned. “You should have been strategos, sister. Perhaps then Wits would have learned how to run a proper war.”

Penumbra shrugged. “Go, while we still have forces to split. The best of luck to you, dear sister. Happy hunting.”

“And you. Make them pay.” The two sisters dove into the fray below, moving quickly amongst the alicorns.

Purple Heart slammed his forehoof into the breastplate of an Alicorn captain. The armor crumbled as the shocked officer was sent flying into his companions, landing in a heap of groaning bodies. With a grunt, the earth pony moved on to the next captain.

It wasn’t much to alleviate the irritation, but punching this captain in the nose did help somewhat.

“Well well well, haven’t you been busy?”

He turned, spotting Sol Eater standing a few paces away. He turned, rolling his shoulder and leaving his previous target clutching their broken muzzle. “I’d say I told you so,” he said, “but… well, I did tell you so.”

“So you did.” Sol Eater smirked. “Do you recall what you said earlier? About not expecting your friend to flee before you had a chance to deal with him?”

Purple Heart frowned. “Sure.”

Sol Eater waved a wing. “Bye bye.” The alicorn, and twenty of the unharmed captains in combat, vanished in a burst of flame. A moment later, and the remaining alicorns seemed to sink into their own shadows, disappearing in mid-melee. All that remained were the wounded, and a few dozen shocked, and now surrounded, alicorns.

Purple Heart’s mouth twisted into a rictus of a scowl, his eyes not leaving the soot-marked ground where Sol Eater once stood. “Well then,” he growled, “I shoulda saw that one coming...”

The ground quaked, signaling the arrival of Colonel Hathi’s troops. The alicorns that still possessed a degree of consciousness inched away as the pachyderm officer approached Purple Heart.

“Area secure, sah,” reported Hathi, saluting with his trunk. “I see you caught some of the scalawags. Some of the blighters we fought either vanished in fire or shadow.”

“The Alicorn sisters fled,” Purple Heart stated tersely, walking over to a group of cowering alicorns. “It seems they took those troops they needed with them.” He leaned down, staring contemplatively at the alicorn shying away from him. “Unless you all are special in some way...”

The alicorns under his scrutiny immediately shook their heads in the negative. “We’re not important at all, sir!” one squeaked. “It looks like all the best combatants left with the Strategos, or one of the two Princesses! We’re the dregs of the army!”

“Or the ones I incapacitated before the Sisters bamfed away,” Purple Heart replied drolly. He straightened. “Congratulations, you are now the First Alicorn Corps of the Emerald Legion. Welcome aboard.”

The alicorns blinked at each other and at Purple Heart for a minute. “What?”

One of Purple Heart’s eyes twitched. Strings lashed out and struck each downed alicorn.

“I said,” he rumbled, “you are now the First Alicorn Corps of the Emerald Legion. Welcome aboard.” A wave brushed through the alicorns and those that could, stood. Others supported their fellows to stand and salute Purple Heart.

“Sir,” a chorus of voices sounded.

“Gather the wounded,” Purple Heart ordered, turning to Colonel Hathi. “We march in fifteen.”

“Where to, sah?” asked the elephant.

Purple Heart grinned, eyes flashing bright, eldritch green. “To find those cheeksy, sneaksy alicornses...”

* * *

The Ice Caves of the Frozen North were a sight to behold. Glistening walls of shimmering ice shone under the patches of sunlight that managed to reach the caverns. Had any travel agency worth their salt possessed any knowledge of the Ice Caves, perhaps tourism would be a consistent source of travellers within the underground tunnels. However, as it were, only the adventurous or truly desperate used the tunnels of Ice Caves and rarely did they have the time to admire the light shows that could appear.

“You were supposed to turn left two tunnels ago!” snapped Hobby Cliffer from his strung up position between Wedge Antlers and Crowcall View.

“You said left at the stalactite!” returned Buck Skykicker over his shoulder.

“He said stalagmite,” mentioned Soon Fell from the back.

“Regardless, you missed it!” Hobby hissed.

“How could I have?!” Buck retorted. “I haven’t seen either a stalactite or ‘mite since we got here!”

“Do you even know what those are?” West Prancer asked.

“Of course not! I grew up in a desert!”

“Well, that answers that question!” Hobby growled. “If you actually led us according to my directions, we wouldn’t have run into that campload of blasted minotaurs!”

“What directions?!”

“‘Follow the Northern Stars right down the road into the Caves of Ice! Find the Yellow Path and take the first juncture on the left and go straight on til morning!’” Hobby quoted. “How could you take the first juncture on the RIGHT?!”

“Because I was half listening!”

“And you’re not listening now either!”

“Will both of you shut up!” shouted Soon Fell. “We aren’t exactly out of danger yet!” No sooner had the words left the pegasus’ mouth did a trio of hefty stones impacted the cave wall behind them.

“Oh yeah, we were being chased,” mused Hobby.

“Shut up and hoof it!” Buck ordered, reining in his squadmates to resume their hurried departure.

“Rerouting… rerouting...” Hobby muttered under his breath as he was carried along. “Uuuh… Once you see a fork in the tunnel, hang a left! An actual left this time!”

“Fine!”

The squad dashed down the tunnel, egged on by the sound of their pursuers. More stones, and a few arrows, ricocheted off the cavern walls and, remarkably, never managed to hit the fleeing ponies. Following the tunnel, they finally reached a fork. The squad banked left, staring confusedly at an actual fork frozen under several inches of ice in the wall.

“Okay, I didn’t think that would be literal,” Hobby said.

“Next direction!” ordered Buck.

“Oh! Uuuuuuh, keep on going! We’ll come to a tiny alcove in another minute at this pace! We can hide there for a moment!”

“Shouldn’t we press on?” West asked.

“Not if you want us to go any further,” Wedge gasped.

“I’m injured, whadaya want me to do?” Hobby asked.

“Fly? Your hoof’s hurt, not your wings!”

“But I’m injured!”

“Not invalid! Flap, you jerk!”

“Later! We’re here!” Hobby pointed with a wing at a crack in the wall. Buck skidded to a halt beside it and hustled his squadmates through, keeping an eye on the minotaurs’ progress. The thunder of cloven hooves echoed up the tunnel and just as the first horned head appeared around the bend, Buck slipped inside the crack and flattened himself against the wall beside it. Then he noticed his squad weren’t the only ponies present.

“Hi! You get chased here often too?” Pinkie asked, smiling down at the stallion from where she was holding herself nearer to the ceiling. Buck heard a dull thud, which drew his attention to two other ponies; a mare which had just faced hoofed, and a colt eying him and his team curiously.

“Got caught in the same fight we’re stuck in, huh?” the grey stallion asked cautiously.

Buck swallowed and spoke in turn. “If you mean the minotaur bandits, yeah.”

“Great, they’re down here too now,” Rainbow griped. “We got chased into this hiding spot by some Diamond Dogs.”

“Diamond Dogs?” Soon Fell asked. “Are they another group of bandits?”

“Probably. Not sure which side they’re throwing in with, if either,” Light Patch answered.

“I think I also heard some pony bandits in the fight above as well,” Pinkie chimed in, still holding herself up.

“So three contentious forces, at least,” Wedge grunted, sagging against the wall. “I’m starting to think this might have been a suicide mission.”

“He wouldn’t send us on a suicide mission,” Hobby chuckled. “...would he?”

“What was your mission?” Rainbow asked cautiously.

“Oooh!” Pinkie slipped on a pair of night vision goggles. “I’ll bet they were sent on some super secret stealth mission to secure something of great importance to one of the bandit factions, but they got caught and it was assumed they were working for the other bandit faction, and now they’ve become the spark that ignited the bandit civil war!” Rainbow and Light Patch turned to look at Buck, a questioning eyebrow raised by the both of them.

The ponies of Rogue Squadron all sucked their lips against their teeth and looked everywhere but at the three non-combatants. Buck coughed, eyes firmly locked on the wall furthest from where Light Patch, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie sat.

“I can neither confirm nor deny such an action taking place,” he replied stiffly.

“Well, did you get the piece of the Orb you were after at least?” Light Patch asked, earning him questioning eyebrows from Rainbow and Pinkie.

Buck blinked. The rest of his squad blinked. All six of them looked at the grey pegasus. “Did Purple Heart send a second team after the Orb?” Buck asked, eyes wide with surprise and a small hint of betrayal.

“Nope, just made a reasonable guess,” Light Patch replied with a shrug. “What else would you be trying to sneak in that provoked a war between the bandit factions?”

“So Purple Heart sent you lot?” Rainbow asked, her wings just slightly lifted in anticipation of use. “Are you actual Royal Guardsponies then?”

“Or just some extra francy armor suits as opposed to just the really fancy ones?” Pinkie continued the question.

“Actual guardsponies,” Soon Fell replied, casting a warning look at Hobby and Buck. “Our mission was to end the deadlock between the bandits by stealing the Orb from them. Ideally, they would attack each other, believing the other stole it. Unfortunately, we got a little lost and ended up in the middle of the Minotaurs’ camp instead of above it.”

“Yeah, that’ll make stealth a little more difficult,” Light Patch said with a shrug. “Surprised Purple Heart only had you going after one of the Orb’s halves, and not both.”

Buck blinked. “Halves?”

“Yeah,” the grey pegasus replied. “The bandits broke the Orb into half and took one each for themselves.”

“Ah… That would’ve been nice to know...”

“I’m sure Purple Heart would have told us if he’d known,” Soon Fell said.

“I think we’re good to move again.” Pinkie said, slowly letting herself slide down the walls utill she was standing normally again. “If we’re gonna start moving again, now might be a good time for it.”

“Right.” Light Patch nodded. “I’ll go ahead considering I’ve got the warhammer, and I think we’re close to the original digsite.” He moved to heft said hammer, before one of Rainbows hooves blocked him.

“You're leaving the warhammer here. I’m not gonna let you clobber me with that.” Rainbow pushed his hooves away from the handle with a hard glare in her eyes.

Light Patch pouted for a second. “You never let me have fun anymore,” he grumbled.

“Oh, I feel so guilty,” Rainbow deadpanned. “No warhammer for you.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re going towards the bandits?” Crowcall asked. “Instead of away from them? I dunno what you three are capable of, but I doubt you’d be able to successfully take on that many opponents.”

“Why not help us then?” Pinkie suggested. Rogue Squadron looked at her in confusion.

“What?” the six pegasi chorused.

“You wanna get out of here, and we’re gonna wanna get outta here eventually too, so why not team up?”

“And what makes you think you can even sneak away from the fight through the digsite.” Hobby asked.

“Our friend here should know it well enough, and he thinks he knows a tunnel that should come out close to a town decently far away from the fighting.” Pinkie said, wrapping a foreleg around the grey pegasus.

“So you were one of the locals who had to help dig it?” Buck asked.

“No silly!” Pinkie cherrily replied. “He was the one who had it dug in the first place!”

Rogue Squadron blinked at the three ponies in silent confusion. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah Yeah, Equestria’s most wanted number one… maybe two,” Light Patch grumbled, hoping to forestall any outbursts he was worried would give their groups away.

Hobby shrugged. “I wouldn’t count yourself that high.”

“Top five though, right?” Light Patch asked, prompting Pinkie to face hoof; already seeing where this was going.

Hobby made a non committal noise, as the rest of Rogue Squad closed their eyes and sighed.

“Top ten?

Rainbow rolled her eyes at the slight desperation in Light Patch’s voice. “Would you settle for eleven-point-five?”

“I didn’t even get a whole number to myself. I thought Purple Heart and I were friends,” Light Patch stated as his ears laid back, and Rainbow and Pinkie hid their snickers behind forehooves.

“Evidently not, given the circumstances,” Soon Fell said. “However, if you were indeed the pony responsible for the current crisis, Purple Heart’s orders make much more sense.”

“Yoinking the Orb fragments from underneath the Bandits’ noses?” Rainbow Dash clarified.

Soon Fell nodded. “Purple Heart still believed the artifact to be intact when he sent us up here,” he revealed. “We… I am unsure if he knew about its sundering and kept it to himself, or if he was truly unaware.”

“Regardless,” Buck piped up. “The longer we stay here, the more likely we’ll be discovered. So if you three are going towards the bandits, good luck. We’re getting out of here.”

“Oh, we’re not going to the Bandits,” Rainbow Dash denied, slinging a hoof around Light Patch’s neck. “We’re trying to bring this shnook back to Princess Twilight.”

“Excuse you, I am not a twin rotor cargo helicopter,” Light Patch groused, trying to shed Rainbow’s foreleg only for her to just hold on harder. “Uh, this is getting a little tight.”

“Which will be easier,” Rainbow continued, “since his powers are almost completely shot… though it’d be nice if he’d be able to use them to get us out of the mess he got us into.” Rainbow ignored the tapping of the stallion.

“Though, it’d be easier if you helped us get out of here?” Pinkie said, leaning up against Buck.

The pegasus recoiled, leaning away from the pink mare. “Uhhhhhhhh,” he groaned in confusion, rapidly looking back and forth between Pinkie and his squadmates. “I don’t think we’re on the same side, exactly...”

“We already swapped sides once, what’s the matter with doing it again?” West Prancer interjected. Seeing the disgust on his comrades’ faces, he sighed. “I dunno about you all, but I’d prefer to be on Princess Twilight’s side when this all goes pear shaped.”

“Yeah, but turncoats squared?” Crowcall asked. “That’s a surefire way of ending up not breathing.”

“Not if we turncoat to the right side,” West pointed out. “With how much of a mess Canterlot was after Purple Heart left, I doubt our absence has been noted. If we come back toting one of the three colts responsible for this whole mess, the worst we’d have to deal with would be a demotion. Which I can definitely live with.”

“Not if that colt is dead,” Light Patch rasped, still trying to free himself of Rainbow’s forehoof. “And not that ya’ll probably care much, but if I had to choose my odds, I think I’d go on Twilight. If Purple Heart is still in control, I am afeared. And if it’s some other council member, I’mma moss up in prison while they deal with all of the other fires. Then again, maybe the princesses would sneak tea and crumpets to me...” Towards the end, he trailed off.

“Look, I’m willing to team up to get outta here,” Rainbow said, holding onto the grey pegasus a little tighter, “but if you try to take this lovable moron anywhere but to Twilight’s Castle we’re gonna have some problems.”

Rogue Squad blinked in unison, then turned inward to form a small huddle. Pinkie tried her hardest to intrude on the Secret Jam Session, but the flaring of six pairs of wings prevented any spying. The pink mare had barely sat down to pout when the wings folded and the six pegasi presented themselves as a unit.

“Red Squadron reporting for duty, ma’am,” Buck said, saluting Rainbow Dash. “I would very much not like to fight two of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Smart,” Rainbow said, grinning.

“Nope. Pragmatic.”

The cyan pegasus’ smile vanished. “Pragmatic how?”

“If we fought you on this, you’d just have to Sonic Rainboom and bring the whole cave system down on us,” Soon Fell explained.

“Yes, we like not being ponycicles,” Hobby added.

“I’d prefer to not be one of the Wampa’s later meals too,” Light Patch groused.

Pinkie reached into her hair and pulled out a crowbar, casually tossing it away and earning a questioning look from the others. “Well, it’s not like I need it for Plan L anymore.”

“And what was plan L?” Buck asked, sure he wasn’t gonna enjoy the answer.

“Leg breaking,” Pinkie said cheerily

“It’s Plan L for Legs, isn’t it?” Light Patch asked.

“Nope! It’s Plan L for Light’s Legs.”

“Right. On that concerning note, I think I’ve at least figured out where we are and where to go to find one of the air vents cut in for the deep shafts.” Light Patch pointed in the rough direction, just before Pinkie’s tail started to spin like a broken compass, followed by her whole body as it turned to face another, more specific direction.

“I hope that airshaft isn’t too far, because this is my ‘hoisted by their own petard’ Pinkie Sense,” Pinkie said.

“Pinkie Sense?” Hobby asked.

“And we care about the bandit over that way because?” Light Patch asked, ignoring the guard's pony.

“What's Pinkie Sense?” Hobby repeated.

“That’s not where the one being hoisted is coming from,” Pinkie replied. “It’s where the petard is coming from.”

Most ponies barely got a ‘what’ out before through the ice wall Pinkie was pointing at exploded inward, revealing a large, four-armed insectoid creature. It looked at the ponies and roared, but its impending charge was cut short by Rainbow and Buck, who shot towards the creature and easily knocked it unconcious.

Their victory was cut short as several rough-sounding voices bellowing, answered the creature’s roar. The ponies all looked at each other for a moment, before Light Patch took off and the rest followed.

“I read the briefing on the local fauna, and those things weren’t on it!” Soon Fell shouted.

“What briefing?!” cried Hobby.

“Okay, I read a travel brochure!”

“That was an Ambull, but this is the wrong universe for those things!” Light Patch shouted back at the bandits chasing them, before a small thought occurred to him. “Oh. Oh, so those are what came through. And that also explains the petard hoisting.” Light Patch grimaced as he ran.

Chapter 45: Can We Fix It?! NO IT’S FU-

Twilight Sparkle and Wits End sat at opposite ends of the table. They remained silent, not because they had nothing to say, but rather the silence was a symptom of neither one quite knowing how to break it. The Princess of Friendship filled her part of the silence by tapping the tabletop in a way that was completely devoid of rhythm; an empty notepad lying forgotten in front of her. The mint-colored stallion, on the other hoof, sat with one hind-leg crossed over the other, watching as Trixie and Sunset Shimmer closed the one door in and out of the room behind them.

“So,” Twilight said eventually. “Let’s-

“I apologize,” Wits cut in.

Twilight paused. If somepony else were listening, they might be able to pick out the sound her train of thought made as it careened off a metaphorical cliff. “What?”

Wits took a deep breath in. “Last time we were in this room,” he said, slowly and carefully, “I said, and did, something that was... specifically intended to make you irritable.”

“Interesting way to put it.”

“Better than saying ‘I was trying to piss you off.’ I was…” Wits trailed off, then shook his head. “You don’t need to hear my excuses.”

“Maybe I want to hear them,” Twilight muttered, suddenly very interested in her empty notebook.

“I’m trying to apologize, not save face.” Wits sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I need to make this right with you, not make myself feel better.”

“Wits.” Twilight shook her head, forcing herself to look the stallion in the eyes. “I accept your apology.”

“Not until I’m bloody well finished with it, you won’t,” Wits said quickly, “‘Cause I’m not taking responsibility for everything that happened.”

Twilight was silent for a while, then gave a half-nod. “Go on.”

“I goaded you into treating me the way you did. Instead of waiting and earning your trust, I kept running out to play hero.” Wits forced himself to sit up, rather than the lazy slump he usually ended up in. “It doesn’t matter whether it was safe for me to do or not. What matters is that I betrayed your trust by going against your requests without talking to you about it. When you confronted me about it, I lashed out to try and keep myself in a place of importance in what I thought was the narrative.” He took another deep breath. “For all of that, I am sorry.” He waited a beat. “Now you can accept my apology.”

Twilight smirked. “Then consider it accepted.” The two of them were silent again, and her smirk faded. “I feel like this is where you would normally try to get me to apologize for something I did too.”

“Hey, I’m no mind-reader.” Wits was silent again, although his expression made it clear her had more to say.

Eventually, Twilight sighed. “Go on.”

“All I’m saying is that I didn’t have an argument with myself,” Wits said quickly. “There. That’s all I got.”

“Really? You’re being succinct?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “You?”

Wits rolled his eyes. “Fine, we’ll do apologies and the airing of grievances at the same time.” He leaned forward, resting one elbow on the table. “You kept the three of us out of the loop on what you were trying to do. I’m not saying that’s why I acted the way I did, but it certainly didn’t help.”

“...Yeah, it didn’t.” Twilight slumped forward. “The whole thing about you being a villain… Do you remember how it got started?”

“Sure. I got angsty and accused you and the rest of the girls of treating me like one.” Wits paused. “Why?”

“Well… It seems like there was more to that than meets the eye.” Twilight’s horn started the glow, and she offered a hoof towards Wits. “May I?”

Wits hesitated, then nodded. “I’m hoping we’re past the ‘vaporize on sight’ part of this relationship,” he muttered, holding out a forehoof.

Twilight’s spell wrapped itself around his hoof, leaving a trail of arcane energy in its wake. After a few seconds, the energy coalesced into a few pieces of colored light, which hovered over Wits’ wrist. “What do you see?” Twilight asked.

“A pie chart?” Wits asked, raising an eyebrow. “I.e., undeniable proof that you’re a massive nerd?”

“You recognized it as a pie chart. What does that make you?”

“A massive nerd. What’s it a chart of?”

Twilight adjusted the spell, projecting it at a larger size in the center of the table. “In the simplest terms, it’s the percentage of how much of a magical signature is in your body right now. This,” she motioned towards a blue section that made up most of the chart, “is your magical signature.”

Wits narrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the chart. “But Mass Low’s theorems state that there shouldn’t be any way for a single pony to hold more than one magical signature in their body.”

“Where’d you learn that?”

“5th year magical theory.” He shot a smirk at her. “Somepony insisted I do magical study when I first arrived in Equestria.”

Twilight smirked back. “Must’ve been a pretty smart pony. You’re right, but only mostly. It turns out you can have multiple magical signatures, under specific circumstances.”

“Like what?”

“Like, for instance, if some number of ponies were trapped in an interdimensional Limbo, and then pulled out with a spell that only targeted their magical signatures in the vaguest sense.”

Wits stroked his chin. “But when would that happen? That seems pretty specif-” His eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

The unicorn was silent for a moment, then pointed to a white section of the chart. “Then whose signature is this?”

“You’re not gonna like it.”

“I already don’t like that there’s somepony who isn’t me taking up space in my brain. I already had to deal with that in Discord’s game world. It was thoroughly unpleasant then, and all he was doing was making prank calls.” Wits watched a strange expression cross Twilight’s face, and felt his stomach drop by a good couple yards. “Twilight.”

Twilight’s horn glowed, and the two sections of the chart were overlaid with images: a white glove over the blue, and over the white an eagle’s claw grasping a golden crown. “I told you that you wouldn’t like it.”

Wits’ head hit the table with a dull thud. “Of course it’d be him,” he mumbled into the rich mahogany. “I mean, it makes sense. Discord did make him based on me. If there was anypony he was gonna latch on to…” Wits shuddered. “I feel like I need a bath, but one that works from the inside out.”

Twilight waited for Wits to sit back up, but when it became clear that he wasn’t moving, she started to get concerned. “Are you alright?”

“Just processing some philosophical dilemmas this brings up,” Wits groaned. “How much of what I did is my fault and how much is Holdfast’s; am I really me or am I some unearthly amalgamation of the two of us.” He looked up. “That kind of stuff.”

“You’re probably still you,” Twilight offered. “But… there’s a lot of Holdfast’s personality influencing yours right now. Probably more now than when you first got here.”

“So the argument was my fault, but the war is a grey area? Sounds about right.” Wits paused. “But how would you know that?”

Silently, Twilight turned the spell on herself. The simple two-tone chart was replaced with one containing seven distinct colors: with the majority being purple. “Because that is the chart of the magical signatures in my body.”

Wits stared at the chart for a good, long while. “So you’re saying that you haven’t quite been yourself lately?”

“You could definitely say that,” Twilight sighed. “Like you, the effect wasn’t very strong at first. But, as time went on…”

“Everyone else's personalities started affecting yours,” Wits finished. “So you’d start acting more like our villains.” His eyes went wide. “Or more like us.”

“A fate worse than death,” the two of them said in unison.

Wits frowned. “That was freaky. Please don’t do that again.”

“Believe me, I’m trying,” Twilight groaned. “The problem is that I can’t just pull out the signatures one by one. I need to gather the distinct fragments into one place so I can split them back out into whole pieces. Otherwise...”

“Bad things?” Wits offered.

“Bad things,” Twilight agreed. “Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are gathering Light Patch, so I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before they get back with him in tow. But Purple Heart…” She leaned back in her chair, tilting it onto its back legs. “He’s styled himself as a military leader and surrounded himself with ponies who’ll follow his chain of command. I just can’t figure out how to get to him without alerting his guards or giving him time to fight back.”

Wits thought for a moment. “Have you talked to Trixie much since I sent her here?”

“Not as much as I probably should have. Why?”

Wits grinned. “Because, for the first time since I arrived in Equestria, I think I have a good idea.”

* * *

The land around the portal was barren, scorched black, and devoid of both flora and fauna. The remnants of a camp smoldered before the twisting portal’s event horizon, sending winding spirals of smoke heavenward. Squads of Armour Ponies patrolled around the husk of a camp, routinely returning to where the Elephants and Rock Farm Commandos slept soundly within their own tents. All this was easily within Purple Heart’s sight from where he stood atop a small hill between the two camps.

The purple earth pony’s face was a rictus of frustration. It took longer than he’d have liked to actually discover the location of the portal connecting Equestria to Discord’s Game World. His scouts had spotted the tail-end of Penumbra’s retreating force just as they’d passed through the portal. When he himself and the rest of his force had arrived, night was starting to blanket the sky with a deep blue.

An initial investigation of the pedestal some thirty paces away from the portal itself informed Purple Heart (through one of the few alicorns in his force) that the portal couldn’t be turned off without the proper incantation and magical cocktail. Unfortunately, the alicorn had recognized the light in Purple Heart’s eyes and quickly added that destroying the pedestal or the archway would result in a catastrophic explosion of magical force that could very well wipe out the entire western part of Equestria.

So here he was, his army parked in front of a magical portal waiting for Penumbra to return while Equestria prepared a retaliatory strike against him.

So he assumed.

Huffing irritably, Purple Heart turned away from the water-like surface of the portal and walked his way back towards his camp. As he walked, his coat shimmered, turning from purple and blue to a motley mish-mash of various hues of green. Clicking his tongue at the motionless Armour standing sentry, he slipped into the camp and walked amongst his troops.

The light of cookfires cast dancing shadows against the tents as he skirted around the inside of the camp’s perimeter. Several ponies from the Rock Farm contingent were still talking around their fires. Brow raised with interest, he approached the nearest circle. He was but two steps from the edge of the fire’s light when the three ponies there jerked to full readiness and swung around to face him.

“Who goes there!” barked one. Purple Heart stepped into the light, one foreleg raised.

“A friend,” Purple Heart urged.

“Officer or soldier?” another asked.

“Neither,” Purple Heart replied. “I merely relay orders.”

“You under the Regent’s direct command?” the last inquired.

“Aye.”

“Tell him he’s a fool,” spoke the third. “Us Rockers were doing just fine holding the Alicorns back from the Rock Farm. Him pulling us out left our homes defenseless.”

“Shhh!” hissed the first pony. “We’ll get in trouble with your loud gawping!”

“Who’s to hear?!” snapped the third. “Huskless armor and great elephants? The camp below is empty and that fiendish portal can do naught bit belch forth enemies.”

“I take it you aren’t pleased with current events?” Purple Heart asked, slowly walking towards the trio to the fire. All three of them were earth ponies, two mares and a colt.

“Hardly,” sniffed one of the mares, sitting back down. “Equestria is in a right state, what with the Princesses vanishing, Blueblood becoming regent, then stepping down, then some butler, then Blueblood’s regent again. It’s all madness, I tell you. And not to mention these bloody alicorns.”

“Aye,” agreed the colt. “Imagine our surprise when some fancy alicorns that aren’t the Princesses come strolling up to the Rock Farm and kindly ask us to surrender.” He spat into the fire. “Right crazies of them to think we’d go down quietly.”

“The fighting must have been hard,” Purple Heart mused, eyeing the trio of ponies.

All three of them laughed. “Hard, but good,” the second mare said. “Gotta give it to Regent Alfreeves. He may be a ponce, but he certainly knew how to inspire us. Haven’t been given the Salvation Protocol 9983 in a long time... ”

“Wouldn’t call him a ponce,” the colt muttered. “Have you seen him fight? I saw him goin’ berserk in that first alicorn camp we pincered.”

“Fighter and leader ain’t necessarily found in the same pony,” the first mare commented dryly. “He may be good at giving what for, but he ain’t the best commander I’ve seen. S’why I’m starting to question why we’re even camped here. Granted, bottling up whatever comes outta the portal is a good idea, but not with another force operating on our hindends. Mind you, only half of the alicorn army went through that portal. Where’s the rest? Most likely wreckin’ shop behind us or something.”

Purple Heart swallowed softly. The mare had a point. Splitting his force to deal with both Sol Eater and Penumbra was probably the best idea for dealing with the otherworldly intruders if he didn’t want to get a surprise attack up his backside. His brow furrowed. However...

“I believe he thought to instead forestall any reinforcement from beyond the portal,” he said. “Sol Eater and her alicorns are few and can only really raid. Any heavy opposition from deeper within Equestria will be able to defend against such a pittance force.”

The ponies shrugged. “It’s all a waiting game now. Either we move or wait here till something comes outta the portal. All on the Regent’s orders.” The trio of ponies stood, nodding to Purple Heart as they passed him into their tent. Purple Heart sat by the fire for a few minutes longer, watching the cinders fly in silence. As he ruminated on the ponies’ words, his coat shimmered and he returned to his natural coloration. Rolling to his hooves with a soft grunt, he stretched, glancing over the tents at the portal’s undulating event horizon in the distance.

Then something came through.

Purple Heart’s eyes widened a split second before he grinned widely. A chill of vindication went through him as he ran through the camp, calling his strings forth to catapult him further with each step until he was bounding down the hill towards the ruined alicorn camp below. As he jumped, he saw several more entities emerge from the portal and his pace quickened. Several strings lanced out of his back to strike several nearby patrolling Armour Squads, ordering them to ring the alarm as he plummeted towards the small gathering of individuals now standing around the pedestal.

Then everything went wrong.

Lightning arced across the sky and Purple Heart blinked rapidly, trying to rid his corneas of the jagged imprint when something hit him from above. He ‘gaked’ in surprise and hit the ground with a soft whump. The pressure on his back vanished almost as quick as it had appeared and he blinked again, squinting at the harsh light around him. He rolled onto his back with a groan and massaged his eyes.

“What the flying f-”

“Teleporting, actually.”

Purple Heart stiffened. Eyes opening slowly, he frowned at the stark white ceiling. Then he looked towards the voice.

“What did you do?” he demanded, glaring at Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight brushed herself off, sweeping her wind-swept mane back into place. “Applied physics,” she said, doing her best to keep her breathing even. “Approximate 500 yards worth of gravitationally assisted acceleration, and a well placed teleportation.” She grinned. “A great and powerfully effective tactic, I’d say.”

Rolling onto his side with a huff, Purple Heart scowled. “That wasn’t what I meant, and you know it,” he said peevishly. “How the absolute bleeding carp did you know I was mid-jump, in the dark, intent on pulverizing some hapless alicorn reinforcements?”

Twilight paused. “I didn’t,” she said eventually. “I just tracked your general location, and let the instincts from Rainbow Dash’s training take over when I teleported in.” She paused. “Were you waiting in the dark to mug unsuspecting alicorns?”

“I was waiting for Penumbra’s returning force to come through the portal cos I couldn’t turn it off without nuking Western Equestria along with myself,” Purple Heart replied. “That it was in the dark at night was just happenstance.” He looked around the alarmingly white room. “Where are we? Some kind of padded cell?”

“Of my own design,” Twilight said with a nod. “I would’ve decorated the place a bit, but… Well, this was kind of a last-minute thing.” She tilted her head as she looked at the laying stallion. “How’ve you been? I feel like out of the three of you, you’re the one who’s been actively avoiding me.”

“Gee,” he grumbled, scratching at the base of his throat with a hoof, “I wonder why...”

Twilight frowned. “Look, I apologize for trying to repress your weird string thing before, but to be fair, the first thing you did when you got the collar off was overthrow the government. I feel like my concerns were just a bit validated.”

“Ah-ah.” Purple Heart raised a hoof. “I produced a play to get you hacked off at Discord so that I could get him out of the way,” he denied. “Overthrowing the government was just a fluke after I found out about the Senate you had made for Celestia and Luna. Everything else went pear shaped from there. Although, you can blame Light for that. He was the one who critiqued my original plan, so I just had to up the ante.” He shrugged. “I also may be bad at planning. Certainly explains why you had to go on a wild goose chase. Fowl day, that.”

“Setting aside the fact that you’re saying that implicating Discord in sedition is less of a problem than forming a coup,” Twilight replied, “my point is that out of you and your friends, you’re the one who’s been an active menace to society.” She paused. “Wits’ invading army aside, of course. I mean, you put Blueblood in charge of the country. Who even does that?”

Purple Heart winced. “Yeh, not my best idea,” he admitted. “But, I wasn’t expecting him to toss me the regency almost immediately! I was thinking he’d last maybe a week before the pressure got to him or I’d have to arrange some accident to incapacitate him. Little git barely lasts a few days before he decides a survey of the north east holdings are in order and runs off on a vacation! If he’d held on for even a few more days, I could have been ready! NOPE! Turns out he’s a spineless coward!”

“Arrange an accident?” Twilight said incredulously. “Are you listening to yourself? What would you have done if Celestia and Luna were still in Canterlot, Purple Heart? Would they have had an ‘accident’ too?” She paused, something clicking in the back of her mind, and her face fell. “Purple… Did you arrange an accident for Lord Mountague and Lady Canterlet too?”

“Who?”

“The parents of Roam Mountague and Jewel Canterlet, respectively. You said you became friends with them, and then after you left they inherited their parents’ titles under mysterious circumstances.” Twilight went silent for a moment, as if waiting for a response. “This is serious, Purple Heart. Did you have anything to do with it?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “From what I heard, they died of natural causes. I had nothing to do with it.”

Twilight squinted at him. “They fell down a ravine in a cave.”

“Gravity is natural.” He grinned widely at the purple alicorn and his coat shimmered, retaining the base purple, but gaining splotches of green to match his mane and eyes. “But Patches, however, had everything to do with them falling.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide, and her face pale. She was silent for a good, long time as she processed what she was seeing, and what it meant about her friend. “Change yourself back,” she said eventually. “Just because you’re acting like an idiot doesn’t mean you have to look like one.”

The grin on Patches’ face vanished into a grim scowl. “Really, Princess, would an idiot be able to, on the fly, plan the deaths of two nobles of Canterlot while ensuring their offspring become indebted to him?” His coat shimmered again and now Baelhart stood before her with his purple coat and gold mane. “You forget that I’m an actor. I could be anypony. I could be a scheming producer, or a senator-” now it was Beekler Alfreeves, “-or a butler turned regent-” now Purple Heart, “-or a misplaced human in a world where he doesn’t belong and wants desperately to return home. By my nature, I should not be contained. It prevents freedom and creativity. And that was your first mistake.”

“You were always a misplaced human, Purple Heart,” Twilight replied, her voice reflecting the exhaustion she was feeling now. “You just got good at tricking yourself into thinking you were closer to getting home.” She sighed. “Go ahead. I can tell you’re dying to tell me. What were my other mistakes?”

Remarkably, Purple Heart was silent. He just stood there, staring mutely at the alicorn princess. After an uncomfortable amount of time that felt both too short and too long, he spoke. “Haven’t the foggiest,” he admitted. “I kinda phoned it in after implementing the Panel. I mean, I can think of a few mistakes off the top of my head if you want. Talking over Discord when you came to Patches’ office, letting Blueblood become Regent, installing the Senate for the Princesses-”

“Alright, I get it!” Twilight rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I thought you were gonna have some sort of poignant revelation you had been building up to ever since you stormed out of here last time. After dealing with Wits, I assumed all of you had some sort of deep-seated psychological reasoning for what you were doing.” She smirked; an action that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I should’ve known that the barbarian’s reasoning was ‘how many things can I break’, huh?”

“Eeyup.” Purple Heart nodded. “Poignancy is for warlocks that read too many books.” The large colt stiffened and his pupils swelled. “Tabaxi Barbarian. Twice the urge to break things...” He blinked twice and shook his head. With a cough, he grinned weakly. “Sorry. Can I go now? I need to get back to my army in case things go wrong.”

Twilight was silent again. Eventually, she turned away, moving to one of the walls. “No, no, I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere.” She came to a stop, not looking back at Purple Heart as she opened a hidden door with her magic. “Thanks for being the most dangerous out of the three of you, Purple. You showed me that I need to hurry up and finish this. No more messing around.”

Purple Heart gave one long, slow blink. Then he clenched, flexing his back muscles.

No strings.

“Uhm… wat?” he asked intelligently, blinking rapidly in shock. “Where was the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom...”

Twilight chuckled. “Oh, by the way,” she said almost casually as she stepped through the door. “Don’t bother trying to use those strings of yours to worm your way out of here.” A set of strings sprouted from her back, wrapping themselves around the handle on her side of the door. “I’ve come a long way since that old collar I tried on you.” The strings tightened, and the door slid shut with a click.

Purple Heart stared at the now-seamless room for a few seconds. “Well carp… this is a problem...”

* * *

The two groups of ponies sat quietly on the train ride taking them back towards Ponyville, the quiet giving most of them a chance to sleep, catch up on eating, or just quietly stare out of a window. This quietness and lack of anything was of course naturally getting to the one pony still animate. Normally, Pinkie would have simply gone to interact with any of the other passengers, but their car was deserted both by the lack of ponies on the train in the first place and the fact that the guardponies had requisitioned the use of the car for official business.

This of course left Pinkie with the dilemma of having to choose between boredom or running the quiet the other ponies were enjoying. She finally settled on what she felt was a simple compromise and, after digging a coin out of her hair, lightly tossed it at Light Patch.

“Bit for your thoughts?” She asked quietly, figuring if he didn’t want to talk she’d go back to single player ‘I Spy’.

“It’s surprisingly easy to collapse two universes into one,” the grey pegasus stated. The ponies who weren’t fast asleep looked at him.

“Almost like bubbles merging together, just make sure they're next to each other and then break the surface tension and the smaller one leaks into the larger.”

“I’m sure Twilight would say there’s more to it than that,” Pinkie replied.

“I’m sure there’s more going on under the hood, but as far as actions needed, that’s it. Just break the surface tension on universe walls next to each other and then Bob’s your uncle. Well, he is my uncle, actually,” Light Patch continued.

“What happens to the space left over from the universe not being there?” Wedge chimed in.

“Technically nothing because it doesn’t exist. As soon as it opens up, it fills in either with other universes or new ones.”

“Instantly filling in empty space as soon as it exists. Imagine the speeding tickets you could get for that speed,” Hobby said with a chuckle.

“Imagine the kick it would have... Would we be able to feel the impact?” Soon Fell asked.

“I don’t think so, because again, the space was never empty and in fact all universes act like they’re touching each other all of the time. Even if they aren’t,” Light said, still looking down at his hooves.

“I’m not gonna lie, a lot of that went over my head and it sounded like you aren’t even sure about it. So why are you thinking about it?” Rainbow cut in, mostly to try and at least switch the topic to something she didn’t feel out of her depth with.

“Well, I think how the universes reacted to having holes punched in them was relevant to my plans all along,” Light answered meekly, earning a raised eyebrow from Buck.

“You think? Did you not really have a plan?”

“Is that why you were always vague and defensive when it came to anypony asking what your plan was?”

“I had a plan, I thought I did at least, but I don’t think the plan I thought was my plan, was actually the plan I was going for?”

“And you're just figuring this out now?!” Hobby asked incredulously.

“I think that the effects of Twilight’s spell and the quiet time have let me connect all of the wires at once and see the big picture,” Light Patch decided, tapping the side of his head. “I’d either just focus on whatever part I was working on, or whatever the-” Light Patch paused, silently mouthing words as if trying to find the right one. “-Fog would let me see.”

“You didn’t know if you had a plan, but you still managed to put it in motion?” Wedge shook his head. “Buck, do you think it’d be treason if I said I was impressed?”

Buck shrugged. “For all I know, we’re committing treason right now. Permission granted.”

“Thanks.” Wedge turned back to Light Patch. “So now that you’ve got the fog out of your ears, what was the plan?”

“Well... it started as ‘Get Home’, but with a weird bit of routing, or possibly three different end points for ‘home-’” Light Patch made the air quotes gesture as he said ‘home’ but then frowned. “You know, that really works better with fingers or talons.” He blinked a couple of times and went quiet until Pinkie tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “Ah, sorry. I think the Fog was trying to settle back in. The other plan came about when I realized just how easy it would be to add everything up, and I guess could be summed up as, ‘Bring Home Here’.”

“Bring home here?” Soon echoed. “If you’re a pegasus and you can’t get to where ‘home’ is, then what kind of home is it?”

“One with a long story attached,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “What do you mean, Patch? Like, bring more humans to Equestria?”

“Remember when I said how easy it was to collapse two universes into one?”

“I try my best not to listen directly to anything you say,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. “Less headaches that way. Otherwise, it’s like looking straight at the sun. Or standing in the middle of Twilight’s lab.”

“Harsh, but fair,” Light said with a huff. “But by bringing home here, I mean ‘collapse my home universe with this one’.” Several of the other ponies gasped as the realization struck them.

“Wait, did you mention that you had multiple homes at some point?” Hobby asked.

“That’s the other rub. I think if I’d gotten that far in the plan, I might have combined the two or three universes I,” he paused for a moment, “or the Fog had marked as home.” Light Patch shrugged..

Hobby raised a hoof. “Hold up. Collapse two or three universes with this one? I might not be the Princess of Magic, but isn’t that… Well, a bad idea? Considering we live in this universe?”

“And presumably,” Buck continued, “other creatures live in those other universes too.” He sighed and shook his head. “This morning, I didn’t know anything about parallel worlds. Now I’m trying to imagine the consequences of a multiversal collapse, whatever that is…”

“A pretty big deal, because if I’m reading the plan right, I would have tried to fold the four univeserse together at the same time. Which likely would have led to a chain reaction of the universe slamming together and in the end, you’d probably end up with a small number of more dense universes,” Light Patch answered nonchalantly. “As for what would happen in the universes, well, magic is kind of the big equalizer and space is, as the name suggests, vast. So a few billion years from now, Luna’s night sky is gonna have several new stars and galaxies. And for the few things that share the same space, I suspect the magic would move them.”

“And for the objects that magic doesn’t shift out of each other’s way?” Rainbow asked, a bit of fear in her voice.

“Stellar collisions do tend to make the most intricate debris patterns,” Light said with a slight glassy look to his eyes. He went quiet again.

Wedge hissed through his teeth. “So to answer the question ‘what would happen?’ Bad things. Bad things would happen. Good thing we stopped you then, huh?” He clapped Light Patch’s shoulder with a laugh. “...We did stop you, right? This isn’t an elaborate plot that’ll play into the destruction of all of existence?”

“While I mentioned that the chances of things occupying the same space are low, I must admit I’m hesitant to risk my homeworld on the miniscule chance as well now that I’m able to see clearly,” Light Patch quickly assured. “And, in my admittedly limited research, the Orb was the only artifact that might supply enough power for either plan. And I was a bit too busy running to look for a backup.” Light glared out of the corner of his eye at Rainbow and Pinkie,

“Don’t give me that look!” Rainbow Dash snapped. “You’re the guy who was trying to destroy the world! You don’t get to be pissy that we tried to stop you!”

Pinkie, who had been happily enjoying the funhouse mirror effect of the ice around them, came to a mid-air stop. “Hey, Patchy? Weren’t you the last one to leave Twilight? Like, you didn’t even have a big blowout. You just kinda stopped being there one day.”

“The other two didn’t leave any drama for me to use,” Light Patch said with a shrug.

“So doesn’t that mean you had all the time in the world to find an artifact, or even multiple artifacts, that would let you safely mix the universes together like a light and fluffy pancake batter?”

Light Patch paused, his ears slowly beginning to droop. “Okay, sure. But that’s how I found the Orb in the first place.”

“But then why choose the Orb at all?” Pinkie pondered. “‘Cause to me, using something as dangerous as the Orb to collapse a couple universes sounds as dangerous as using a cement mixer to make a brioche.”

“Yeah,” Hobby chuckled. “Or a warhammer to crack an egg.”

“I am not a magic user by birth or body here! And the power requirements would either call for an alicorn or two, or some artifacts of immense power! I doubt the princesses would have helped me and the Paladins seem to have been on top of a lot of the powerful artifacts! So excuse me for going for the warhammer solution!” Light groused. “Y’all act like I’m Just Duty trying to hammer a dorf for failing to build enough Black Bronze statues...” Light Patch trailed off for a few moments as a thought occurred to him. “I’m an idiot.”

“I mean, I didn’t want to say it-” Light’s raised hoof cut Rainbow off.

“I think I know what one of the universes counted as home was. Maybe two of them.”

“What was it? Tell me it’s one filled with mares!” Crowcall finally chimed in.

“Discord’s Game World,” Light Patch stated, earning a gasp from Rainbow Dash and Pinkie.

“I think I’d calculated that another was the, uh...” Light Patch looked at the other ponies beyond himself and the other two already in the know, “universe beyond the mirror. And my actual home universe as well.”

“Okay, but why three?” Rainbow asked.

“Isn’t that the million dollar question?” Light Patch replied with a sigh. “Maybe Twilight can figure it out, but at least I got one question solved.”

“Is it the question of life, the universe, and everything?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

“That's an easy one: It’s forty two,” Light Patch said, causing Pinkie to gasp in surprise. “No, I actually figured out what my cutie mark is and what it means.” The ponies eyed him, waiting expectantly.

“I think it’s to represent connecting or combining my ‘home’ universes into one,” he explained. “The different sheets, folded together to create one unified object out of three or more separate parts… And I think I might owe Twilight a new book on origami.”

Chapter 46: Evil League of Evil Reunion Tour

Three stallions sat around the deactivated map in the middle of Twilight Sparkle’s castle. Each one had taken a seat as far away from the other two as possible, and the tension was thick enough in the air that one could cut it with a particularly sharp metaphor.

Wits End drummed his forehooves on the edge of the map table, and coughed loudly and obviously. “So,” he said, “it’s been a while, huh?”

“For sure,” admitted Purple Heart, eyes firmly fixed on his crossed hooves.

“About a week at least,” Light Patch shrugged.

Somewhere, a tumbleweed rolled through an empty desert. Meanwhile, in the map room, there were a good dozen beats before the silence was broken again. “So how’s you guy’s days been?” Wits asked.

“Coulda been better,” Purple Heart grumbled mulishly. “Got hit by a kinetic strike on my way to stomp some alicorns coming back through the portal.”

“The train got into Ponyville at like 2AM. Rainbow basically airdropped me through a window, and all I got was this dumb shirt,” Light Patch sighed.

“Better than the jewellry,” Purple noted, gesturing with his cuffed hoof at Wits’ head. “I’m grateful Twilight learned something from our... chat, but that thing is definitely just for laughs.”

“The tiara brings out my eyes, you berk,” Wits mumbled.

“You did not get the worst,” the pegasus replied, standing on his hind hooves to highlight the phrase on his shirt: ‘If found, please return to Twilight’s castle.’

Wits scritched at the point where his circlet met his horn. “How does that even work, anyway?” he asked. “Like, the headwear I understand. The cuffs are a little confusing, but they’re symbolic so I get it. But… how does a shirt keep you from bwiping around like a TF2 player on wi-fi?” Light Patch sighed and banged his forehead against the table.

The pegasus started to explain. “It’s apparently not relevant to the plot for me to-”

“You’re muted, buddy,” the Purple Earth Pony interrupted, causing the grey pegasus to sigh again and shift how his head was resting on the table.

“It’s not plot relevant fo-”

“Could you move your mouth a little closer to the microphone?” Wits asked, cupping a hoof around one ear.

“I can’t warp away because it’s not plot relevant for me to do so,” Light Patch groused. “And because it’d be funny if I warped away, because the shirt guarantees I’d end up in, like, a Royal Guard barracks or Sweet Apple Acres or someplace, I’m not giving Twilight the satisfaction of more ponies seeing this dumb shirt.” He paused. “Also my powers are borked and I’m not interested in seeing what life might be like if I was turned inside out.”

The two other colts at the table blinked. “Huh,” grunted Purple Heart. “Fair enough. As for these-” he wiggled a cuffed hoof over the table, “-less symbolic and more practical. This time, they actually do something.”

“Huh.” Wits leaned back in his seat. “That makes this the first time we’ve all been normal since before the High School Never Ends dimension.” He paused. “Aside from the whole ‘being cartoon horses’ thing, that is.” With a shrug, he sat up straight again. “So, Order of the Spinach Puffs reunion meeting? A sharing of the grand plans? What with the jig being up and all.”

Purple Heart cocked his head to one side, brow furrowed. “Y’know what? Why not?” he decided. “Twilight may be dropping eaves, but I could honestly care less at this point.” He settled more comfortably into his seat, a vast difference from his stilted posture just minutes prior. “Hello, my name is Purple Heart.”

“Hello, Purple Heart,” chorused Wits and Light.

“I managed to successfully get Discord out of our hair and somehow wrangled my way into running a government. I am distinctly reminded now why I disliked Four-exe strategy games: too much to actively keep track of and control.” He looked at his fellow colts, his eyes prompting.

“If only it worked like in Age of Empires, huh?” Wits said. He turned to Light Patch. “What about you? What the heck were you doing up in the north anyway? Fighting snow zombies?”

“Looking for the power source I’d use to punch a hole or two between realities,” Light Patch admitted, tapping his fore hooves together nervously.

“And just what were those holes for?” Purple Heart asked.

“Initially? For letting us go home.”

“And?” Purple Heart prompted.

“Come back when we wanted to meet with our various friends around here.”

“And what about after the ‘initially’ phase?” Wits End asked, feeling quite rightly that there was still more to tell.

“Well, remember all of those memes about Avengers: Endgame being the most ambitious crossover ever?”

“What about them?” Wits End asked, narrowing as a single eyebrow as Purple Heart’s lifted.

“What would you say if I was possibly planning to accidentally top it by infinity-plus-one?”

“I’m pretty sure at that point it’s just Kingdom Hearts,” Wits muttered. “To answer your question, I’d say ‘no, don’t do that.’”

“Well, to try and be a little fair, it’s more of a potential calculated result of just trying to fold just three or four universes together,” Light Patch offered up with an apologetic smile.

Purple Heart just stared blankly. “Ahuh...” he mumbled. “And the bandits? Your method of distracting the Crystal Empire and Equestria?”

“Oh no, that was just trying to turn a spot of bad luck with them being near the artifact into a chance at a little revenge for them having beat me up earlier,” the pegasus replied with a simple shrug.

Wits blinked. “So you were trying to cause the end of the worlds as we know it, AND you accidentally started a civil war amongst the riff-raff?” He whistled. “I should’ve stepped up my game earlier.”

“Your game being to support a claimant from a far off land?” Purple Heart asked. “Kings Crusading much?”

“Oh, no no no. That was me turning up my game.” Wits smiled smugly. “In fact, out of the three of us, I’m the only one who actually accomplished the goal he had from the beginning.”

Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “And what was that?”

“If I hear the words ‘Thanatos Gambit’,” Light Patch groaned, “I’m opening a portal to the Gargoyles universe.”

Wits puffed out his chest with pride. “My master plan,” he said, “was to lose.”

There was silence for a beat. “If that was your plan,” Purple Heart said, “you somehow, miraculously managed to avoid it for as long as possible.”

“I tried really hard!” Wits whined, all pretence of pride lost. “I kept trying the whole time, but it just didn’t stick!” His forehead hit the table with a dull thud. “Why do I fix everything I touch?” he mumbled.

“Haven’t the foggiest,” Purple Heart said drolly. “Of the three of us, you’re the one least likely to be chaotically destructive. I think that title is split between Light and myself. You’re destructive, I’ll admit, but more intellectually. Make messes based on dominos and rarely on string theory.”

“I blame Patchy,” Wits sighed. “His powers probably made it so everything happened in the worst possible way for me, which happened to be the best possible way.” He stopped, then slowly turned towards Light Patch. “Wait… That whole Endgame scenario of yours. Was that why you were talking about the portal between dimensions way back then?”

“I don’t entirely remember that,” Light admitted, looking like he was trying hard to remember, “but I do remember studying the magic mirror portal and wondering about adapting that. But I also have a vague sense of frustration around trying to understand unicorn magic.”

“And then you replaced me with Moondancer?” Wits put a hoof over his heart. “My feelings. Why did you need me for that anyway? Don’t you have the magic of two Chaos gods or something?” Light Patch stared deadpan at Wits End for a couple of moments.

“Wits,” the pegasus replied, “try placing a hoof directly on the center of your forehead.”

Wits frowned, but still raised his hoof. He winced as his horn pricked the underside of his hoof. “Ah,” he said. “I see.”

A chuckle rumbled in Purple Heart’s chest. “Point.” He blinked once then chuckled again. “Heh. Point.”

Wits leveled his hoof at the Earth Pony. “Don’t you dare say ‘we should fence.’”

Purple rolled his eyes. “It’s been so long, I’m not sure I remember how to fence.”

“Maybe we should find a VR game about fencing,” Light thought aloud.

Before Wits could make good on any implied threats, the door to the map room opened. “Ah, good,” Twilight said, closing the door behind her. “I was half wondering if you guys would find a way to break out.” She took a seat at her throne, and steepled her forehooves in front of her. “So, what kind of day has it been?”

“What is this,” Wits asked, “an Aaron Soarin production? Just cast the spell so we can get this malarky over with.”

Purple Heart frowned, eyeing the two magic users warily. “Spell? What’s this about a spell?”

“It’s the reason my powers stopped working, and also why the Orb of Glacious is now the Hemispheres of Glacious.” Light Patch finished by crossing his hooves, “And it was tested on me, so someone else gets to go before me.”

“Let me explain.” Twilight paused, then shook her head. “No, it’ll take too long. Let me sum up. When I pulled you three out of Limbo, your villains got pulled through with you, and a bit of their essence got mixed up with your essences. This is the current theory for why you three took a hard left turn into villainhood.” She paused. “If anypony has any initial questions, I’ve allotted 10 minutes here for them.”

“I can think of a couple,” Light said aloud. “Why did those two lock onto a solid plan whereas I seemed to keep bouncing around? How do you take a glancing hit from a spell? And follow up to that, why did it only mess with my powers rather than strip them out of me entirely?”

Twilight thought for a moment. “In order: Because Just Duty isn’t much of a long-term plan kind of pony; Blame the Orb for trying to target every little bit of villain soul junk; and probably because it was funnier for your powers to start freaking out rather than continuing to be a pain in my flank. Next?”

“Are those serious answers or-”

“They’re as serious as you're getting. Next!”

“Was that wave of something that knocked Wits over during our fight you testing the spell?” Purple asked.

Twilight nodded. “Like I said, it tried to target every bit of Just Duty in this world. Turns out not all of him was in Light Patch.”

Wits made a noise like an elephant who’d just stepped on its trunk. “Stay strong,” he muttered. “Don’t make any obvious jokes.”

“I already know what the next question will be,” Twilight continued, ignoring the snickering unicorn, “so we can either dance around it for another five minutes, or we can move on.”

“Alright, I’ll bite. Where is the rest of the soul junk the spell was looking for?” Light asked.

“Oh good,” Twilight said, “I was worried we’d be asking questions about the lunch menu in a minute.” Her horn glowed, casting a spell on all four ponies in the room. After a moment, that light formed into four pie charts; one for each of them. “This,” she explained, “is a depiction of the ratio of magical signatures in each of our bodies. The largest section is your own, and the remainder is…”

“Not,” Wits filled in. “In case you were wondering, showering doesn’t work to get rid of the icky feeling.”

“Soooo… the ‘not’ part of the charts...” Purple Heart mused, eyeing the graphs. “I’m guessing that’s leftover villainous juice from the Limbo Tango?”

“Basically yes.” Twilight Replied

“Right,” Light Patch looked at his chart closely, “So why do I have two ‘not’ sections?”

“I suspect you have some of Paladin Just Duty, and some of Officer Just Duty, since aspects of both seemed to have been sucked into Limbo with you.” Twilight replied.

Wits pounded his hoof on the table, now almost doubled over in his seat. “Keep it together,” he wheezed. “Hold the line!”

Twilight turned glacially towards Wits. “Keep in mind that you have Holdfast inside you, Wits.”

All humor drained from Wits’ face, along with a good amount of life. “Thanks, Twilight. Really appreciate that.”

“Any time.” Twilight turned back to the other two ponies. “Any more questions on this? Some existential crises perhaps?”

“Certainly explains the strings and Wits’ heightened sense of mental chicanery,” Purple said out loud, though the words were mostly directed to himself. “How’d Light get bamfing and bwiping outta Just Duty?” He blinked and glanced up from the table to see the other ponies looking at him. “Oh. Said that out loud…”

“I’m not sure, entirely,” Twilight replied, tapping a hoof against her muzzle. “In essence, almost all of the magic is Discord’s in base nature, but neither you or Wits can access it in the same way he does.”

“I was the one that had to go into the pony-human world’s Pinkie’s mind. Maybe I didn’t have quite a clean break from that?” Light Patch guessed aloud.

“Or maybe it’s because you can’t really have a power based around swinging big hammers,” Wits said, “so you got a buffer overflow and glitched your way into another power set.”

“What do you think this is, Wits?” Twilight asked. “Some kind of video game?”

Wits stared back at her. “No, I think it’s a childrens’ cartoon.”

The two of them stared for a full second before Twilight turned away. “Fair enough.”

“All this aside,” Purple Heart interjected, “Why is it that while us three have two halves in our goodness/badness pies, you have quarters? Did you happen to skew the partitions wrong or mess up the toppings?”

Twilight glared at the purple earth pony. “I have a theory,” she snipped, “and I’m certain you have an inkling as well.”

“Bold of you to assume I pay attention to things all the time,” he replied.

Suppressing a groan, Twilight flicked a string out to swat Purple Heart’s nose. The construct existed for only a second, but the widening of the colts’ eyes told her they’d obviously seen it.

“Oh,” Purple hummed. “That.”

“Okay, I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that isn’t just Gau’s monster mimic skill there,” Light replied. “So, you’re saying that the spell that Moondancer used on me was looking for you, because you got the extra soul gunk from pulling us out of the void.”

“Correct,” Twilight nodded, dragging her magic back to her and displaying the chart showing the ratio of magic signatures for herself. “The spell was looking for me.”

The three colts looked at the multiple segments breaking up Twilight’s Pie charts. “There are so many bad jokes I could go after with this.” Wits muttered.

“Unfortunately,” Twilight continued not giving Wits or any of the colts a chance to comment further, “even if the spell had found me I’m not sure it would have easily been able to separate out the Just Duty Magics from everything else.”

“I’m still not entirely sold on that part,” Wits mused. “I mean, aren’t the rules of magic pretty loose in this world? Who’s to say all those pieces of soul wouldn’t just come back together into Just Duty and Patchy?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Do you wanna test that theory?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t test it personally.”

“Then why not let the Princesses of Friendship and Magic handle the Magic side of this problem, hmm?”

Wits slumped in his seat. “You were more fun when you didn’t have three colts’ worth of snark to pull from…” he grumbled.

“All the more reason to get this spell right,” Twilight continued. “Without precise calculations, we could be scattered into individual atoms or fused into a horrific amalgam, and that’d be the end of our adventures real quick, wouldn’t it?”

“Then why not get some more help on it?” Wits sat back up and looked around the table. “I mean, we all have one form of magic or another at this point, right? And since I doubt any of us wanna keep our significant enemy inside us any longer than necessary, I’m sure we’d be more than willing to help.” He paused. “Besides, I have a counter-coup to field against the invading army at your gates.”

Purple Heart snorted. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“With all due respect,” Twilight cut in once again, “none of you are exactly experts in your fields.”

Wits crossed his forelegs in front of him. “If by ‘expert’ you mean somepony who’s the best in their given talent, then I think we qualify by default.”

“Hear hear,” agreed Purple Heart.

“Personally, I feel I’m more Jack of All, Master of Some,” muttered Light.

Twilight arched an eyebrow at the three colts. “And what is it that each of you think you’re an expert at?”

Light, Purple, and Wits all shared a meaningful look. “Causing bedlam.”

A deadpan look smoothed Twilight’s face into a blank mask. “Nooooooooo,” she droned. “Really? Who’d have guessed?”

“You, really,” Purple Heart said. “Considering how long you’ve known us, I’m certain you knew we’d go a little berserk eventually.”

“A ‘little’?” Twilight arched an eyebrow.

“Okay, a lot,” Purple amended. “But still, you have us here, why not let us help?”

“We’re almost as good at bodging stuff back together as we are breaking it,” Light Patch added. “I know my way around a couple of power tools, Purple Heart could hammer nails in with a stare, and Wits could, uhm... hold towels?” The pegasus finished with a shrug.

Wits shot a glare at the pegasus. “I’ll have you know that holding towels is a very important part of the building proc-”

“Alright, fine!” Twilight’s exclamation cut through the skit-in-progress. “As much as I hate to admit it, you three are the closest things we have to experts on your specific magical styles and signatures.” She sighed, taking a moment to think. “If you promise—and I do mean promise and mean it—not to cause any chaos, shenanigans, or potential murders, then I’ll work with each of you to figure out how your magic can help make this spell work.” She held out one forehoof over the center of the map table. “Deal?”

Wits stood immediately, stretching to hoof-bump Twilight. “We have an accord.”

“Indeed,” agreed Purple Heart. “All aboard the Down Rank Train~!”

“Wait, is it a bit late to make a few additions? Because I have a fe-” Light Patch was cut off as his friends smacked him upside the head, “Okay, I’d be fine with cutting it down to just on-” He was cut off as Purple Heart placed a hoof over his mouth.

“He agrees with no additions or riders,” Wits End stated calmly, ignoring the work Purple Heart was having to put in to keep the struggling pegasus silent; at least until a grey wing smacked him in the face. “Light Patch, I swear. We are having a moment here. Stop running it!”

Twilight watched as it dissolved into a three-way match, a small smirk lighting up her face. “I kind of missed this.” Her smile lasted until a stray glass of water and hoof full of feathers impacted her face. “To think I almost missed this,” Twilight deadpanned, using her magic to start plucking the feathers away.

Chapter 47: Epic Spell Building of the Trio of Dumb-dumbs at Twilight’s Castle!

Wits sat down at the workbench, steepling his forehooves in front of him. “Alright, where do we start? How does one build a spell from scratch? Are we gonna be working with some transmutation circles? Rewriting the source code of the universe? Or just speaking the name of the wind?”

“First of all, get out of my seat.” Twilight lifted Wits with her magic, setting him on a stool nearby that was usually reserved for Spike. “Secondly, we’re not building this spell from scratch. I already built one version that Moondancer tried on Light Patch, so we’re just going to adjust that based on what we find from studying your respective magics.”

Wits seemed to deflate slightly. “Oh. I was kinda excited to get a spell named after me.”

“It’s my spell. If anything, this spell will be named after me.”

“Oh, like Twilight Sparkle’s Universal Disenchantment?”

It was difficult to choke on empty air, but Twilight made an admirable effort at it. “Where did you hear about that one?”

“Trixie,” Wits said with a shrug. “She used it to dispel my version of Guiding Sunlight I put on her.”

“She dispelled it?” Twilight paused. “By casting my universal counterspell on herself?”

“That’s what she told me. Why? Isn’t that what counterspell is supposed to do?”

“Yes, but… How do I explain this…” It took Twilight a little time to find the right words. “That counterspell was designed to deal with the types of magic that young unicorns use by accident. Those spells are only dangerous because they have no control over how much power they put into them, so the counterspell breaks through them by harnessing the amount of magical energy already in the spell. It’s like… using a sledgehammer on a finishing nail.”

Wits’ eyebrows raised. “So it turns the force of the spell back on itself to break it? That’s kinda ingenious.”

“It only works on brute force spells,” Twilight said quickly. “Any unicorn worth their salt puts the least amount of magical energy into their spells as possible, so they can keep casting without wearing themselves out.” She paused, a thought clearly occurring to her. “Wits, how have you been casting spells so far?”

Wits blinked. “With my horn?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I mean, what is the process like for you right now?”

“Uh…” Wits shrugged. “I’ve just been doing it the way Sweetie Belle explained it. Imagine what it is I want to happen, and then focus on the intent and feeling of that thing happening.”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to blink. “Seriously?”

“What?”

“You’ve been brute forcing your magic this entire time?”

“I thought that’s how magic worked in this world! You know, what with the friendship and the magic and the what-not?”

“Well, yes, but that’s the very basic level of magic. That’s not even spellcasting, really! It’s like…” She trailed off, a strange expression crossing her face.

Wits shifted on the stool. “Like what?”

“Like using a sledgehammer on a finishing nail.” Twilight hopped out of her seat, throwing open a chest and sorting through it. “Wits, can I run a quick test on you?”

“Is it a written test? ‘Cause I’m terrible at those.”

“Hardly.” The alicorn returned with what appeared to be a lightbulb. “Hold this with your magic.”

Wits shrugged and focused, conjuring a hand to pluck the bulb from Twilight’s hoof. “Now what?”

“Focus as much of your magical energy into that as possible.” Twilight held up a hoof. “Give me a head start first.” She took a few steps back and conjured a magical bubble around herself. “Okay,” she said, her voice faintly muffled, “go ahead.”

“I’m scared,” Wits deadpanned, then turned his focus on the bulb. Slowly, the bulb began to glow; first with a ruddy red light, then moving to pleasing cherry red color. “Okay, this isn’t so-” The light quickly shifted from red to orange, growing in intensity as it turned to a pure white light. Wits’ magical hand moved further away from him as the light began to turn a silvery blue. “Uh, Twilight? Is it supposed to do that?”

Any response Twilight could give was cut off by a sharp pop, as the bulb shattered into a cloud of glass. Her bubble shield shifted to encompass Wits as well, protecting him from the spray of shards. “Well then,” Twilight said, dismissing the shield, “that explains some things.”

“What was that?” Wits asked, doing his best not to panic and failing.

“A magical aptitude test. You succeeded so hard that you failed.”

“...Meaning?”

“Meaning that you’ve been brute forcing your spells by putting so much energy into them that they have no choice but to work.” Twilight grinned. “You might have the most raw magical energy to pull from out of any unicorn I’ve met!”

Wits grinned back. “Great! What does that mean in the context of devillainizing the four of us?”

Twilight paused. After a few seconds, she put a forehoof on Wits’ shoulder. “Have you ever considered a career as a battery?”

Wits stared at Twilight for a full beat. “What.”

* * *

“Wait, I was the alpha test? Not even a beta test?” Light Patch asked, looking up from the spell notes he was paging through.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Twilight dismisses with a wave of her hoof.

“And if the spell caused me to explode like an overripe melon dropped offa Canterlot?” Light asked.

“Two out of three isn’t too bad?” she replied, giving the pegasus a halfhearted smile. The pegasus eyed her for a moment before laughing.

“What am I even doing here anyway? It’s not like I can cast like Wits or something,” Light grumbled, laying back down on the pile of pillows he’d claimed.

“I actually need your help while casting the spell. Granted, it’s more of a passive roll, but still.”

“Helping by not doing anything sounds good to me. What will my inactivity be accomplishing?” He paused before another thought occurred to him. “And can I eat a sandwich during it?”

“Your heart is all gold. To really make sure I get this spell correct, it’s going to need a focus, and you're it. And I’d recommend against eating during the spell.”

“And what makes me such a good focus colt?”

“Two things. The first is you have one more magical presence than your friends but fewer than me. Secondly, your magic is...” Twilight paused for a moment as she thought about how to explain succinctly. “In essence the magic you three have has changed to become your’s. But it was all Discord’s magic at the start. Your abilities have remained or developed to be the most similar to Discord’s.”

“It takes one’s magic to know one’s magic, huh?” Light asked.

“That makes no sense at all, but sure.”

“I'm already an improbability engine. Might as well at least have a go at some sayings that don’t make sense either.” A small memory sparks through Light Patch.“The mixing of pony magic and chaos magic isn’t gonna do anything too weird to me is it? I’d very much like to not become a sofa or worse,” Light Patch said, giving voice to the tiny smoldering concern.

“You should be fine... Probably. I doubt you’d turn into a sofa,” Twilight replied after a few moments of hesitation and unintentionally fanning that smoldering concern and causing it to grow into a tiny flare of worry.

“You sure I’d be a good spell focus? Maybe you should go for one of the simpler puzzles for the focus,” the pegasus said, sitting up a little straighter on his pile of pillows. “I’m sure I could help with the spell casting in some other way. I could be the master sandwich crafter for the group.”

“Relax, Light. Even if it turns you into some kind of potted plant, I can change you back once the spell has finished.”

“Even if it turns me into petunias?”

Twilight squinted at the stalling pegasus. “Okay, that was a bit too specific. Have you just been using this as some kind of excuse to make references to something?” Twilight asked with consternation on her face.

“Only partially. In all seriousness though, this won’t blow me up with two tokens of appreciation from Magrathea will it?”

Twilight sighed and looked Light Patch in the eye. “You’ll be fine, Light. I’m being extra careful this time.

Light Patch sighed with relief and went back to reading over the notes he’d gathered before the last bit of Twilight’s assurance registered.

“Wait, this time?! What are you not telling me about last time?! Hey, come back here! Don’t make me find some kind of point of view spell! I’m in your spell library! If it exists, I will find it! I will get Wits End to cast it on you for me!” Light Patch shouted at the retreating alicorn.

* * *

Twilight ground her teeth in frustration as she glared at the table covered with sheets of paper filled with equations, scribbled theories, and struck through half-thoughts. She lifted her gaze from the table and glared at Purple Heart. The purple earth pony was lounging comfortably beside the table, eyes closed as he rocked gently to a melody only he could hear.

Her frustration promptly boiled over.

“Could you possibly provide anything other than your irritable silence to this project?!”

Cobalt blue eyes slowly opened and looked dimly at her as Purple Heart’s rocking ceased.

“I figure I’m playing the roll of the dumb one that makes the obvious realizations.”

The alicorn princess blinked. “...Excuse me?”

“Have you ever come across a problem that you spend hours agonizing over only to inevitably come to the conclusion that the simplest course of action was staring in your face since last week?”

“...”

“From your silence, I’ll take that as a yes. Well, to save such a waste of time, I have volunteered myself-”

“I volunTOLD you,” muttered the mare darkly.

“-to be the idiot that points out the simplest solution.”

“And that solution would be?”

Purple Heart blinked at her, then looked down at the sprawl of papers on the table.

“Uhhhh...” He looked back up at Twilight. “What was the problem?”

The mare’s head thumped on the table.

“I should’ve dealt with you first,” she grumbled. “Less of a headache that way.” She rolled her head to the side to look at the purple earth pony. “The spell I’m trying to craft has a number of moving parts that must work perfectly in concert to attain the proper result. The only issue is these three spots that need filling.” She lifted three separate sheets of paper with her magic and held them aloft before Purple Heart’s face.

“Power, Focus, Targeting,” read Purple. His brow furrowed, his gaze flitting from the floating papers to Twilight's face.

“Yes,” she confirmed, lifting her head. “I’ve already got Wits and Light tasked on Power and Focus respectively. As it falls, you are supposed to be Targeting.”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow. “You don’t sound enthused about that prospect.”

“It’s because I’m not,” grouched Twilight.

“Aha. Why?”

“Because of your strings. I’m apprehensive about trusting you to use them without screwing everything up.”

“Huh… You need all three of us to participate in the spell’s casting, right?”

Twilight frowned. “Unfortunately, yes. Just having you three in the vicinity won’t work. You need to be an active participant for it to work properly.”

“And you’re paranoid that me using my strings will present an unknown factor to the equation that will most likely have an adverse effect on the spell’s outcome?”

“That’s exact-” Twilight stared at the colt. “How’d you know that?!”

“You wrote it down.”

“...I did?”

Purple Heart tapped one of the sheets of paper still floating before him, batting it over to where Twilight could read it. She perused the scribbling, glancing over the sheet with practiced ease. “Huh. So I did.”

“You really have a bad case of tunnel vision,” Purple Heart commented.

Twilight scowled at the purple earth pony. “Gee, thanks.”

He shrugged, waving a hoof idly in the air. “Just trying to help,” he said, still waving his hoof. The motion caught Twilight’s attention after a few seconds.

“Why are you waving your hoof like that?” she asked.

“Huh? Oh, there’s something on it I’m trying to get off.”

“I can see that. I made sure that that cuff wouldn’t come off without my magical signature,” Twilight said drolly.

“Hmm...” Purple Heart looked at his waving foreleg, watching as light reflected off the steel gray cuff. “Aaaanytime now...”

“Anytime what now?” prompted Twilight. Purple Heart looked at her, his jaw actually hanging open.

“You can’t be serious,” he gaped. With a twist of his foreleg, his cuffed hoof crashed into the table. “What does this thing do again?!”

Twilight recoiled at the violent action. “It prevents hostile use of your powers!”

“I know that! Do you?”

“Of course I do! I designed it!”

“Then why are we still sitting here while you WASTE TIME?!”

Twilight blinked several times in rapid succession as she tried to follow the purple earth pony’s logic. Then it hit her.

“Oh.”

Purple Heart threw his hooves into the air and leaned back in his seat. “NOW she remembers!”

* * *

Wits blinked once as the three colts walked into the room Twilight had prepared for the spell. “If I wake up inside of a small red gem, you are gonna have some explaining to do,” he commented, eyeing the chalk circles warily.

“Could be worse, we could end up Fran’ed and just be disembodied hooves.” Light Patch, replied, “There is a bit of a lack of zombponies for us to possess though.”

“You guys aren’t lying about there being no magic in your world, are you?” Twilight asked.

“No, just some very creative minds,” Purple Heart replied resolutely.

“Do you guys want me to go over how this will work again?” Twilight asked, looking at the three colts.

“No, I think we’ve covered this enou-” Purple Heart started to say before he was interrupted by Light Patch.

“Oops. I pressed ‘A’.”

“What do you-” Twilight started to ask before an angry yell from Wits End cut her off.

“No, you did not press ‘A’! We are not listening to this dialogue prompt again!” Wits End declared.

“It’s too late. I pressed ‘A’. Now we gotta listen to the whole thing again,” Light Patch replied.

“Oh, come on! You didn't even get half of it, did you?” the mint unicorn cried.

“Maybe three eighths and I might also be a little nervous and trying to stall,” Light Patch admitted.

There was a loud slam as Twilight pounded a hoof against the wall. “For the love of Celestia, would you two shut up? I’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks now, and you two going on is either giving me a migraine or a hole in my brain! Shut up! Just! Shut up!”

The colts stared at Twilight for a few seconds. Wits was the first to recover. “She gets that from you,” he said, looking pointedly at Purple Heart.

A magical aura surrounded Wits’s muzzle. “SHUT.” Twilight took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “This is how it’s gonna go: Wits will be providing the power for the spell. Light, you’ll be focusing that magical energy. Wits has got plenty to spare, so go nuts. If your magic really does work like Discord’s, then it’ll make our 5% chance a guarantee.”

Light Patch blanched. “Did you say 5%?”

“Shush.” Twilight’s magic snapped the pegasus’ mouth shut as well. She turned to the last remaining colt. “Do you have anything funny to say?”

Purple Heart weighed his options. “...There’s something in your teeth, Francis.”

The colt’s lips vanished.

“ANYWAY. Purple, you’ll be taking that energy and giving it targets. Don’t worry about casting a spell or anything. Just think of it as using your strings to seek out anything in our souls that isn’t ours. I’d ask if you’ve got it but at this point, I really don’t care. Any questions? No? Good.”

Wits politely tapped the table. With a sigh, Twilight released her magical hold on the colts’ mouths. “Thanks,” Wits huffed. “And what will you be doing exactly?”

“Directing this crashing dragon down to a landing we can all walk away from,” Twilight deadpanned. “None of you will actually be casting the spell. Once Purple Heart has a handle on all of the soul junk, I’ll use that to target the spell and separate everything out.”

“It’s just that easy?”

“Did it sound easy?”

“...Good point.” Wits rolled his shoulders, eliciting a pop from his neck. “Alright, how do I pass off my magical energy to Patchy?”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Focus on casting a spell on him, but don’t actually cast it.”

“That sounds uncomfortable.”

“It will be. But it’s also the easiest way for you to open up an arcane conduit without casting some sort of dark magic.”

“...What if I want to-”

“WITS.”

“I was joking!” Wits closed his eyes, his horn gathering motes of magical energy. What started as a simple aura of light soon developed into arcs of magic, jumping from the unicorn’s horn to nearby furniture. “Generator’s online,” he bit through his teeth. “Tag.”

“Magikite refinery commencing operations. Keep that pipeline open, roughneck,” Light Patch murmured aloud as he focused on the feeling of magic flowing into him. After a moment, he began surrounding the pooling magic with his own, building it a little maze that changed it as it progressed through. “Power resupply inbound, try to not stand directly under it.” The pegasus grunted, feeling the first of the magic exit the maze.

Purple Heart grunted under the brunt of a focused, consistent stream of magic and grinned tightly. “Let’s get these villagers to work, then,” he said, directing the oncoming magic into a series of strings branching off of one thick thread connecting the purple earth pony and Twilight. “1000 food and 800 gold stockpiled. Age up is ready on your mark.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Let’s get this over with. I almost understood those references.” She closed her eyes, and began focusing her magic into her horn. She felt the magical energy from the three colts flowing through the connection, picking up the slack when her own power wasn’t enough, and leaving her more than enough to weave it into a spell. “All systems? Full power!”

A pulse of energy washed over and through the four ponies, rippling between them like the water of a recently kicked rain barrel. The feeling was a bit like being an ancient magical orb that was in the process of being split in two.

With a wordless noise of exertion, Twilight forced more power into the spell. She focused on the seven magical signatures: the three Colts, their three villainous counterparts, and herself. She could feel them more than anything else, and the way they naturally tried to gather into distinct groups.

With a noise halfway between an explosion and something squishing, the spell blew apart. Ponies were flung from their hooves to all corners of the room, and a darkness fell over them. Silence rang like something that didn’t make any noise.

Twilight groaned, blinking in the pitch darkness. It took a great deal of effort to gather enough magic to cast a simple light spell. “Did it work?”

Chapter 48: It Didn’t

“I don’t know. Anyone feel less evil?” Light Patch sounded out into the room, trying to dig himself out of the pile of notes and books.

“You say that like you think most would actively consider themselves as evil,” A muffled voice answered back.

“Well, to the unicorns in the room then, do you all feel more coherently magical… or should that be more coherently less magical?” the pegasus asked, finally picking himself free of the books.

“I think it would be more coherently magical. And to answer that, I don’t know. Maybe... I’ll tell you when I stop seeing in triplicate,” Wits End muttered, rubbing his eyes.

“Was it supposed to explode like that?” Purple Heart asked, heaving himself back to his hooves and rubbing the side of his head that had found the wall the hard way.

“I was really hoping it wouldn’t do something like that,” Twilight answered, putting a little more power into the spell and looking around the room. “Oh, it did work.” She finished lamely as the room's regular lamps flickered to life.

“What makes you so sure?” Wits End asked. Before Twilight could reply, a familiar voice chimed in.

“Did what work?” the voice asked, causing the three colts to look to the other side of the room to see three new ponies.

The first pony to stand was also the most immediately familiar, being a near spitting image of Holdfast, although much older than the one Twilight had gotten used to dealing with as of late. The next one stood taller but much shakier on his hooves as evidenced by having actually failed to stand two times before. He reminded her of Just Duty, but subtly different; younger, but not by much. And the last was a green earth pony to rival Purple Heart or Big Mac in size. Twilight couldn’t really recognize him but was able to guess who it was at least, thanks mostly to simple elimination.

“I believe the answer is ‘yes’,” the green pony replied coolly.

Wits’ lip curled up into a sneer. “Man, and here I’d gotten used to not seeing that guy.”

Holdfast smirked back at the unicorn. “At least I don’t have to look at your face in the mirror every morning, boy.”

“And now I’m remembering why I don’t like you,” Wits shot back.

“Can you two relax for five seconds?” Twilight cut the two unicorns off, leaving Wits to grumble as she turned to the three newcomers. “If any of you try anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, it’s a one way trip to the moon for all three of you. Got it?”

Holdfast met her gaze coldly, then shrugged. “Fine. I’ll try to restrain myself for now.”

“A quick question ma’am?” Just Duty asked, looking at Twilight. “Well, two actually: where am I and why am I a pony?”

“You're in my castle, and you're a pony because on this side of the mirror, most humans tend to be turned into ponies because of magic. I’m sure Light Patch will cover everything in due time, or Sunset if Light Patch ends up being too busy,” Twilight explained, turning to look at the green earth pony waiting for his inevitable interruption.

Bael blinked under the alicorn’s sudden scrutiny. “What? Are you expecting some snarky remark or a passive aggressive comment?” he asked.

“Frankly, yes. So, out with it. Get it over with.”

“...You’re looking… really, uh… purple today?”

Twilight’s eye twitched. “That’s it?”

Bael huffed in irritation. “I don’t know how to deal with this paranoia,” he grumbled, glancing at Purple Heart.

The purple earth pony gave a shrug. “You get used to it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna. Dealing with you was bad enough. Now we gotta deal with her? No thanks.”

“You could always leave,” Purple commented.

“With the way she’s glaring at me, I don’t think that’d be a good thing for my health,” mused Bael, eyeing the scowling alicorn warily.

Purple Heart nodded slowly. “Probably. I can almost see the steam coming outta her ears.”

“I wonder if she runs on steam or some magical cocktail,” Bael wondered, rubbing his chin with a hoof.

“I’d say sheer spite at the rate she’s dumping smoke into the room,” Purple postulated.

“I’m so glad I let you two get it out of your system,” Twilight growled through gritted teeth. She took a deep breath and followed that with nine more before she finally felt ready.

“Now that we’ve got that done, I have a few checks I need to run to make sure everything has been cleaned up. Hate it or despise it, we’re all stuck together for a bit longer. So be quiet and get along so I can make this quick,” Twilight ordered, closing her eyes to focus on spells meant to check for any bits of magic signatures remaining where they shouldn’t be. This, of course, left the two non-active groups of colts sitting in awkward silence. Finally, after a few moments, Officer Just Duty shakily made his way over to the three younger colts.

“So, you’ve also gotten stuck in all of this, huh, Light Patch,” he said to the three in general as the grey pegasus gave a short laugh.

“For a bit longer than you.”

“Kind of wish I’d visited my cousin’s horse ranch more when I was younger,” Just Duty muttered for a few moments. “Even for a pony, you’re a bit bigger than I’d have expected you to be.”

“Well... that probably comes down to me having been deaged when I was in your world.”

“Wait... you’re not my-” Officer Just Duty caught himself. “You're not the Light Patch from the other side of this mirror she mentioned?”

“Welcome to the wonderful world of parallel universes and magic,” Light Patch replied with a sardonic chuckle.

“That adds a few more questions to my list,” the officer muttered with a sigh. “I think I’m gonna have to fast track that retirement when I get home.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll all make sense once it’s explained. As long as you accept that magic is a critical component of said explanation.”

“I mean, that’s basically the entire explanation,” Wits said. “It’s magic, the end.”

Holdfast chuckled mirthlessly. “Yes, you would be able to pick out an explanation for simpletons, wouldn’t you?”

Wits shot a glare at the older stallion. “Do you want to give a more in-depth description?” he shot back. “I’m sure you learned a lot while stuck in a mason jar on Discord’s shelf.”

“I spent my time learning a great deal of things from the god of chaos,” Holdfast replied. “And, might I remind you, I’m not the one who threw us into that portal in the first place. Maybe you should have tried to learn something from Discord as well.”

“Did you learn how to take a punch?”

“What does that have to do with-” Holdfast was cut off by a spectral fist slamming against his muzzle, sending the stallion reeling back.

“That,” Wits said, dismissing the summoned hand, “felt good.” His victory was short-lived, as a stool was magically swung against his side. The colt was sent tumbling into a pile of books with a yelp.

“And that,” Holdfast replied, pinching his bleeding nose with one forehoof, “was a long time coming.”

Twilight opened her eyes to find what looked like one of the Wonderbolts’ mock combat drills taking place in her library of spellbooks as the two unicorns flung heavy tomes at each other with wild abandon. “Oh, for the love of...” Her horn flashed, summoning a pair of magic-nullifying circlets and applying them—no too gently—to the foreheads of the two combattants. “If this comes down to wild swinging,” she called, “then I’m putting the two of you in time out like the children you are.”

“He started it!” Both stallions shouted in unison.

Twilight squinted at the two unicorns. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of green that had her spinning around, fully prepared to send Purple Heart through the wall.

Bael blinked, a string frozen in front of him with a tub of popcorn. “What?”

“Where did you get that?” Twilight growled.

“Purps told me you would SMITE or Eldritch BLAAAA him if he used his strings,” the green pony explained. “Even if it wasn’t for hostile purposes. As for this-” he gestured to the popcorn tub that Purple Heart was gorging himself on, “-gotta have snacks to watch the show. Aaand you’re steaming again...”

“I just need a few minutes of quiet to make sure the spell didn’t make any horrible mistakes! So just get along for a few minutes! Or, at the VERY least, fake it!” Twilight growled, glaring at the six before taking another ten deep breaths and starting her magical scan again.

“Is that really Purple Hearts little brother?” Officer Just Duty asked, looking between Bael and Purple Heart.

“Oh boy, is that a long explanation,” Light Patch sighed and rubbed his muzzle as he puzzled how to start.

“The short answer is yes,” Wits said, poking at the circlet stuck to his head. “Although, given that Bael was created from PH’s brain, I guess it’d be more like a Zeus and Athena situation.”

Just Duty’s eyes widened. “Are you saying Purple Heart is his father?”

“Please don’t. If anyone was going to call PH ‘daddy’ just to mess with him, it’d be Bael.”

Holdfast stopped looking at his own circlet in the mirror. “If it meant seeing you uncomfortable, I’d vouch for their relationship in front of the king of Roania.”

“Queen of Roania,” Wits corrected. “Or did you forget that we foiled your little coup attempt by kicking your flank so hard Discord had to confiscate your physical form?”

“You,” Holdfast said, a growl entering his voice, “are like a petulant child.”

“And you’re like a donkey’s rear end. I guess we both have our problems.”

“For the love of Celestia’s hindquarters, would you two shut up?!” Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground, silencing the bickering. “As far as I can tell, the spell worked. I’ll run some individual tests, but for now I’m ready to call this a success. What I wasn’t expecting was to have to deal with six ponies acting like children instead of three pretending to be adults!”

Bael chuckled. “What’re you gonna do? Send everyone to their rooms?”

Twilight made direct eye contact with the larger Earth Pony, and held it for a good five second without blinking. “Yes.” With a flash of her horn, all six ponies vanished; each reappearing in a sealed room similar to the one the three colts had been held in before. Twilight sighed, taking in the silence. “That’s one problem taken care of.”

She looked around at the absolute mess of her lab. “And that’s one for another day.”

* * *

With a flash of magic, Purple Heart, Wits End, and Light Patch reappeared in the same conference room they’d found themselves in not too long ago. The trio of colts stood in silence, blinking away the spots in their vision.

“Well,” Purple Heart grunted, “at least we didn’t end up in a pile of unhappiness on the floor. What do we do now? We’re still basically grounded here. What is Twilight thinking splitting us off is going to solve?”

“Probably figures keeping us together means we’ll either limit each other or at least be easier to keep track of while she does whatever she feels like doing,” Light Patch mused, flopping onto a beanbag in the room.

“Or to keep one of us from beating the tar out of their villainous counterpart,” Wits said. “You know, just as an example.” He took a seat in one of the chairs and pondered for a moment. “Hey, you know what? I do feel less evil now.”

Purple cocked his head to the side and frowned. “Were we really evil in the first place?”

One of Wits’ hands whacked the purple earth pony upside the head. “Uh-uh, none of that philosophical BS right now,” Wits ordered, ignoring Purple’s pained grunt. “We were Evil. Eeeeeeviiiiiiiil. Evil League of Evil Evil. That kind of Evil. Capiche?”

“No,” chorused Light and Purple.

“HNGH.”

“Calm down, Wits,” Purple soothed from six steps away. “If you feel less evil, I believe you… Insight check.”

“We did make better heroes than we did villains at least,” Light Patch said to the ceiling.

“Speaking of making better heroes,” Wits mused, “we have a problem. Well, three of them to be precise. A civil war, an invading army, and an incompetent ruler to be percise.”

“We did make a fine mess of things, didn’t we?” Light Patch sighed as he laid his forelegs over his face.

“In our defense, it’s been a long few years,” Purple commented dryly.

“Has it been years?” Light Patch asked. “I thought it was only a few months or so.”

“Who knows at this point.” Purple sat at the table and raised his hooves in a vague attempt at steepling. “Anyways, civil war, invading army, incompetent ruler. I am willing to admit that we did kinda screw everything up for Twilight, the Mane Six, and Equestria at large. But, we are also still stuck here.” He waved a hoof at the room and the castle in general. “Not much we can do except wait.”

“And what if I don’t want to sit on the bench and watch everyone else play sportsball?” Wits replied testily.

“You know... if we helped clean up our mess, it might be a good way for us to get back into Twilight's good graces. Or at least keep us from being sidelined for the rest of this. Why don’t you go work your magic and seduce Sol and Penumbra?” Light Patch suggested, looking up at the mint colored unicorn.

Wits shook his head. “No way. I’ve learned my lesson after trying to lose that war multiple times. You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that got you into it, and you can’t seduce your way out of a problem with the same incredibly handsome stallion that caused it. One of you two is gonna have to deal with that one.”

“For the good of the group, I bravely volunteer myself to seduce them.” Light Patch quickly jumped in, saluting with a wing. “Besides, Purple Heart already has his own little private army. I’m sure he can march his elephants over the ice and snow to ruin their days.”

“I like that plan,” Wits said, “it’s a good plan. Except it sucks and I hate it. I’d put me in charge of fixing Equestria’s government, and you don’t want that.”

Light Patch gave a long-suffering sigh. “And why’s that, your ponciness?”

“Haven’t you seen me play CK3? The way I fix governmental problems is with knives and long walks off balconies.” Wits looked Light Patch over. “Besides, you’re not the princesses’ type.”

“I guess I don’t quite have the legs for dresses,” Light huffed, looking at Wits, “Alright, then I guess if you’re out and so am I. That means Purple Heart is gonna be left up to dealing with the alicorn invasion.”

“Question: when you say ‘dealing with the alicorn invasion’, do you mean ‘dealing' with the alicorn invasion’ or ‘dealing' with the alicorn invasion’?” Purple Heart asked, hoof raised.

Wits narrowed his eyes. “I mean getting them back through the portal without breaking the Geneva Suggestions. Besides, you’re the one with the immortal army of knock-off Armoroids and elephants in their element. Let me take the 597th and handle the rebels up north.”

Purple Heart nodded along as Wits gave his explanation. “Gotcha,” he said. “Do what I was already doing anyway, but with less bodily harm and more bodily charm. Sounds plan-like. Pacifist Run, ho!”

“Well, I’m glad that’s settled. That just leaves me- wait... that leaves me with...” Light’s pupils shrank to pin pricks. “You can’t leave me with fixing the government! I’mma make a mess out of it!”

Wits shot a glance at Purple Heart. “Is it possible to make more of a mess out of the government at this point? I mean, with Blueblood and P.I.S.S. and the council and everything.”

“I mean...” Purple shrugged. “There’s also the senate to consider. I may have also wrapped up Generals Belisaddelus and Belli so that they couldn’t lead the Royal Guard against me. Aaaaaaaaand Princesses Celestia and Luna are still in the breeze.” He turned to Light Patch, wincing at the dead look on the pegasus’ face. “Yeh, good luck with that.”

“Can’t get any worse, right?” Wits offered with a half-hearted smile.

“Alright! But when we come out of this with an anarchist autocracy, no one is allowed to blame me. I refuse to accept blame for doing what neither of you would!” Light Patch sighed as he laid his legs over his face again. “I’m gonna make it law that you guys have to wear tiny miniskirts or stupid hats or something,” he muttered.

Both Wits and Purple raised their forehooves and pressed them together in front of their faces. “Concern...” they chorused.

“Unless anyone has anything else they want me to break, I think we oughta take this plan to Twilight and try to convince her it’s not terrible.” Light Patch slumped in his chair. “I vote we let Wits try to sell it. It’s his plan anyway.”

“Don’t worry. Twi and I are like this now.” The unicorn held up a forehoof, then frowned. “This works much better with fingers.” He summoned a spectral hand, holding two fingers next to each other. “Let me do the talking, and then jump in to save my flank when Twilight calls me out for it being insane.”

“Gotcha. Shove your flank into the fire and run when things go wrong,” Purple Heart agreed.

“I could make you both Twilight’s assistants as some kind of community service,” the pegasus mused aloud.

Twilight opened the door with a heavy sigh. “Well, I’ve confirmed that the other three have 100% of their own soul junk, so I think the spell worked. How are you three feeling?”

Wits stood. “Much less villain-y. Listen, the three of us had an idea-”

“No.”

“Just hear me out-”

“I absolutely will not.”

Wits glanced back at the other two colts. “See, we’re off to a good start already. We’ll be in an uneasy agreement before the next chapter starts.”

Chapter 49: An Uneasy Agreement

“I don’t know how you sold me on this idea,” Twilight grumbled, trying her best to hold back an oncoming migraine.

“Don’t worry about it,” Wits said easily. “This is genius.”

“This is a disaster.”

“They’ll never see it coming.”

“We’ll never see you three alive again.”

“You missed this, didn’t you?” Spike said, his legs swinging as he watched the group of ponies from his stool.

Both ponies shot a shushing sound at the small dragon. “Everypony knows where they’re going and what they’re doing,” Twilight said, “right?”

Wits nodded. “Go up north, clear out a couple of bandits with two halves of a PG-13 superweapon. Sounds easy enough.”

“I’m going to collapse the entire kingdom,” Light Patch moaned from under his forelegs, which were burying his face. “My name will be in the history books as the Destroyer of Equestria.”

“I wouldn’t give yourself that much credit,” Twilight replied, rolling her eyes. “Our government is more robust than you’d expect. And even if the council seizes up, once the Princesses come back they can sort it out; though they might grumble about the extra work.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” Wits cut in. “Just don’t kick the bucket three days in.”

“Don’t make me take all of this as a challenge!” the pegasus replied, waving a hoof.

“Want mine? I gotta get Sol Eater through the portal without undue violence,” Purple Heart grumbled. He glared at Wits. “Not certain ‘SEDUCE ME’ is gonna work. And I doubt ponies eat chicken.”

“Sol might,” Wits coughed. “Oh, by the way, can I borrow a couple of things? I wanna take Rogue Squadron with me. They know the territory, and I’ll need all the advantages I can get.”

Purple Heart blinked once. “Uuuuuuuh, yes? Sure? I ‘unno where they are at the moment.” He side-eyed Light briefly. “If they managed to get the Halved Orb, you wouldn’t have to go get it. So I can only presume that they are either indisposed or AWOL.”

“Go talk to Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie,” Twilight muttered. “I think they are the ones who helped them drag Light Patch back here.” She paused. “I ought to start charging ponies rent for staying in my castle.”

“Speaking of borrowing, do you have any knives you could spare, Wits?” Light asked.

“No knives,” Wits replied. “And no disintegrations. Purple took out enough of the government already.”

“You’re really tying my hooves on methods I actually know how to use here,” Light patch replied. “Next your gonna tell me ‘no faking assassination attempts’.”

“You don’t get to use those either!” Wits and Twilight replied at the same time, eliciting another groan from Light Patch.

Wits perked up. “Oh, one more thing.”

“I cannot wait for you to get out of my castle,” Twilight sighed.

“I need to take Spike with me.”

Twilight blinked. “What?”

Spike blinked as well. “What?”

Wits looked at the assembled ponies and Spike. “...What? Really? No-one else gets it? With Rogue Squadron and… No?”

“Can I go?” Spike asked, turning to Twilight. “I mean, I really haven’t gotten to do anything since this whole fiasco got started.”

Twilight shook her head. “Looking for ponies is one thing, but I’m not about to send you into the middle of a bandit civil war.”

“He’ll have an entire regiment of alicorns around him,” Wits replied. “And the best spec-ops team Equestria has besides the Wonderbolts.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “And you?”

“Yeah, I’d be a much better target than him anyway.”

Twilight looked between Spike and Wits. Eventually, she sighed. “Fine. But Spike doesn’t leave your side for a moment up there.”

“I shall draw aggro away from him at all times,” Wits said with a lazy salute. “Let’s do this thing then.”

Light Patch finally sat up straight, and took a deep breath before plastering a nervous smile on his face. “I’m going to get assassinated so fast,” he squeaked, before going back to faking his confidence—poorly, the others at the table noted.

“You can’t do any worse than Blueblood,” Twilight deadpanned. “And he hasn’t been deposed yet.”

“Even if they try to charge you with something,” Wits added, “you’ve got at least two free passes without anything sticking.”

“So long as you don’t try to pull a Palpatine like I did,” Purple Heart said. “Try more for Supreme Chancellor Obi-Wan. I can guarantee I won’t send any assassins.”

“You’d better not, or me and my senate will make a clone army and come after you,” the pegasus jokingly threatened at Purple Heart.

“Already did that.”

“What? No you didn’t,” Light Patch shot back. “You made a magical automata army. Basically droids. So roger roger that!”

“Alright then,” Wits said, cutting off the argument starting to brew by summoning a pair of hands to clap decisively. “Pack for cold weather, Spike. I’ll wrangle up Rogue Squadron and meet you in the 597th’s compound.”

Twilight’s eyebrows shot up so high they threatened to join with her hairline. “They’ve established a compound?!”

“Pack quickly,” Wits added.

“You got it!” Spike hopped from his stool and rushed out of the room. Wits watched the small dragon leave, then sighed.

“What?” Purple Heart asked.

Wits shook his head. “I was hoping for ‘yub yub, commander.’”

* * *

“Shoulda asked Twilight to take the cuffs off before she left,” grumbled Purple Heart as he climbed over hill and dale. The purple alicorn in question had bamfed him close to where his forces were camped, and left with little more than a nod of approval at her own work. Now the large earth pony was making his way back to the camp, and his mood was not improving in the slightest.

“How the actual carp am I gonna do this...” he muttered. “No strings, no positive rapport with Sol Eater, no idea where she is… And I have to get her BACK through the portal without violence. Talk about a handicap… Hooficap… Hngh...”

He trudged along, staring at nothing as he crested hills and descended them, not paying any attention to his progress. It was only when a trumpeting call far ahead of him that his eyes came back into focus. A patrol made up of two elephants and six Armours appeared from within a small copse of trees disconnected from the forest whole. Real panic ripped through Purple Heart when he saw the Armours approaching him. A subtle string flicked out and attached itself to the leader. Hiding a sigh of relief, Purple rolled his shoulders back and stood tall.

“Sah!” one of the elephants called, saluting smartly with their trunk. “Where’ve ya been? The Colonel’s been apoplectic since you suddenly disappeared. What happened?”

Silently directing the Armours to form up and flank himself, Purple Heart twisted his lips into a good-natured scowl. “Got myself a little turned around trying to chase down the beings coming through the portal, sergeant. Actually ran into our illustrious Princess Twilight and had to answer a few questions for her. How have things been in my absence?” He strode between the hulking Raiders, nodding for them to follow him to the camp.

“We’ve had to repel several incursions coming from the portal,” the other elephant spoke up. “Hathi had two squads dedicated to searching for you. Now that you’ve returned, he can pull them back to augment the defenders at the portal.”

Purple Heart nodded his head. “Right. I’ll speak to him first. I’ve some important things to discuss with him. Excellent work, soldier.”

“Sah,” the two elephants saluted. The Armours said nothing and merely clanked along as they followed the trio up one more hill that, upon reaching its summit, revealed the Tusken Raider encampment below.

“Thank you,” Purple Heart said to the two elephants. “You may return to your duties.” He raised a hoof in salute to respond to the elephants’ own. Once they had turned and lumbered back the way they’d come, Purple Heart pulled his strings from the Armours.

“With me,” he ordered, turning back to the encampment. With the Armours clanking behind him, Purple Heart made his way down the hill as quickly as he could. When he reached the encampment, he waved a hasty salute at the elephants on guard, released the Armours, and sped towards the command tent. He threw the flap open with no fanfare or pomp and circumstance.

“COLONEL HATHI!” he cried. “IT HAS, INDEED, ALL GONE TO SHIT, KUPO~!”

The elephant in question simply stared at Purple Heart in silence, as the officers circled around the table with him looked on, eyes wide.

Then Purple Heart noticed his audience.

He blinked twice. “Zeusy, I’m home...” he sang softly as embarrassment settled in his features.

The silence returned and stretched on.

“Eeehm… IneedtheColonel, bye!” Purple Heart said rapidly as he dashed forward, grabbed Colonel Hathi in his hooves (with the help of about a hundred strings), and tore out of the command tent. Within seconds, he was out of the encampment and in the forest. With a twitch, he dropped Hathi onto the ground and started to pace. The stunned elephant sat on his hind end and simply stared at the purple earth pony.

“It’s all gone to roadapples, kupo!” Purple swore. “This whole thing is coming down around our ears!” He whirled to Colonel Hathi, panic clear in his face and the jerky movement of his body. “That little disappearing act a few days ago?! Unsolicited! Twilight came outta nowhere and bamfed me away to her castle! ‘Why’, you must be thinking. I DON’T KNOW WHY!! Absolute mad lass manages to gather up the three of us and makes us sit down and help her, for carp’s sake! Gotta admit, props to her on that, but BOY HOWDY do I not like how things turned out! I’m surprised I managed to keep it in this long, but I am WAAAAAY outside my comfort zone!”

Hathi blinked at the gasping stallion, not quite sure what the problem the purple earth pony was wrestling with, if any. The elephant officer wanted to speak up, but he’d seen enough rants to know that the best bet was usually to let them run their course and talk to the individual in question after they’d worn themselves out. So, he stayed silent, trying to catch up with the colt’s rampant train of thought.

“-without violence! WITHOUT. VIOLENCE! I’d have more success trying to convince someone to NOT invade Russia in the winter! Besides, I’m certain that every day when Sol Eater wakes up, she asks herself ‘the question’, says ‘the question is violence’, then answers herself with ‘YES’. That is one dangerous alicorn that I really don’t want to tussle with!”

“Aah,” hummed Hathi. “Might I suggest a parley?”

Hathi winced imperceptibly when he found himself staring into wild cobalt blue eyes.

“A… parley,” Purple said hesitantly. “You think… that Sol Eater, Co-Ruler of the Second Alicorn Diarchy, would accept a parley? Without instantly flash-frying my sorry carcass on sight?”

“...Worth a shot, innit?”

“HNNNNGH!!” Purple Heart threw up his hooves and fell onto his pack, breathing deeply as he looked up at the sparsely clouded sky.

“If I might be so bold as to ask,” Hathi said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “what was Princess Twilight’s suggestion?”

“Nothing!” Purple Heart snapped. “Wits though, he suggested some kind of double-bluff business that might work. Possibly. Maybe. Not...” He turned his head to look at the colonel. “Have you ever experienced a situation where the phrase ‘Seduce me’ DOESN’T result in awkwardness?”

Hathi blinked. “I… cannot say that I have,” he replied hesitantly.

Purple Heart squinted at the elephant. “Can’t or won’t?” he inquired.

Hathi swallowed noisily. “I’m… not at liberty to say,” he said finally.

“Ahuh.” Purple turned his head back to the sky. “Welp, I got nothing. Guess I’ll try to talk to her under the banner of parley and hope she doesn’t vaporize me.” Strings popped out of the stallion’s shoulders and compressed into thick cordes that pushed his back off the ground and onto his hooves. They thinned and turned into a small brush that Purple Heart then used to dust off his back. With one final stretch, he banished the strings and turned to Hathi. He balked under the elephant’s confused gaze.

“What?”

“Those strings… how long have you had them?” Hathi asked slowly.

Purple blinked. “You can see them?”

“I saw them pushing you up from the ground and brushing your back,” Hathi said. “They were not exactly subtle.”

A frown formed on Purple Heart’s face. “I always keep them hidden,” he muttered. “Why were they visible?” He looked down at the ground, eyes flicking to and fro until they landed on his cuffs. His face went deadpan. “Oh.”

Hathi arched an eyebrow at the purple earth pony. “Oh?” he echoed.

“Twilight must’ve woven more magic into these than I thought,” Purple Heart realized. “Not only is this intent based, but now they’re no longer invisible. Thaaaaanks.”

“They were invisible before?” Hathi asked.

“Ever since I got here.”

“What can they do?”

“Anything I put my mind to.”

Hathi squinted. “Oh really?”

“Eeyup.” A string popped out of the purple colt’s chest and waved at the now-grim faced elephant.

“Can they make beings do things against their will?” Hathi rumbled, towering over Purple Heart. Purple blinked, looking up at the sudden eclipse. Hathi’s tusks were very close now.

“Uhhhhhh...”

“Sir? Yes. Or no.”

Purple Heart swallowed.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyes.”

“...”

“In my defense, I didn’t know I could use them for such a purpose! Doesn’t excuse what I did to you or anyone else, but hopefully you’ll want to squish me less!” Purple Heart rambled out quickly.

Hathi stared down at Purple Heart for a long while. When he finally spoke, his voice wasn’t the powerful trumpet it usually was. Instead, it was a dangerous whisper.

“As soon as I return to the camp, I am penning a missive to the capitol,” he said, “detailing my reasoning for declaring you unfit to serve and command in the Equestrian Military. I suggest you send a letter as well when you request a parley of Princess Sol Eater that orders a replacement for your position as commander of our force. You have three more days as my commanding officer, sir. Make good use of them.”

Purple Heart bowed his head in acknowledgement.

“Out of curiosity,” Hathi mused, “what else can you do with those strings of your’s?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “Like I said, anything I can put my mind to.” A weave of strings shot out and set to making a number of shapes in the air. Several dozen split off to make two clones, one of Purple Heart, and another of Hathi. Yet more created a dome over the two of them for a split second and promptly vanished with the rest of the strings in a torrent of emerald green.

Hathi blinked, impressed despite himself. “Could you make a strong barrier, perhaps?” he inquired. Purple nodded slowly as his gaze drifted to the portal shining dimly in the distance. A smile curved his lips.

“Colonel,” he said, “I think I’ve got an idea...”

* * *

“And with that second casting of the spell, you are basically caught up with what’s been going down,” Paladin Just Duty finished. “Now, I believe you promised me a drink or two for this poor old stallion’s parched throat.” He faked a cough.

“Now that I finally understand what’s been going on in the background,” Holdfast said with a sigh, “I feel like I owe you more than just a couple of drinks. And then if there’s any truth to all of the rumors I’ve heard about you and your little outdated order of Paladins. I suspect the whole country owes you enough drinks to cover you for the rest of your life, and probably your children too.”

“If you're going to phrase it like that, I suppose you can start settling the debt now.” Just Duty paused. “Or rather, soon. Wasn’t there an emergency senate appointee you’re supposed to meet here?”

“Apparently somepony convinced Blueblood that the Frozen North should have some representation in this council, in addition to their representation in the Crystal Empire,” Holdfast replied testily. “And being the Chairpony of P.I.S.S., I apparently have nothing better to do than greet this pony, rather than let others greet and learn directly what's going on up there.”

“Well, at least you seem to be trying to use...” Just Duty hesitated, “...your position to do good, for the most part.”

“For the most part?”

“The loose wording has tied more hooves than just the Elements,” Just Duty said with as neutral a look as he could force. “At least that’s what agent Sweetie Drops rants about recently. My own Paladins have had to specifically stay away from some of the more visible events out of caution.”

“I had less say than I was hoping on the final draft of that document,” Holdfast admitted. “It was rammed through our committee while we were still forming.”

“I know a nice little tavern we can journey to and discreetly morun the bureaucratic stupidity we’ve had to suffer through. And considering you’ll be following me in, the regulars shouldn’t hassle you if you were to visit again.”

“That sounds nice, but I should sit here and-” Holdfast trailed off, his ears turned in a new direction.

“And?” Just Duty prompted.

“And... I think I hear some pony,” Holdfast said, setting off towards the lesser used hallway his ears pointed at. With a shrug, Just Duty followed quietly, giving any who’d have paid attention a rare public display of his skill. Fortunately, only them and the voice they hunted stalked the passages at this time.

Luck was with them, and many of the passages were covered in carpet to keep noise down for those who used to toil in these offices. Now it was mostly storage and meeting rooms; one of which was occupied by a lone pony, sounding quite flustered.

“Okay, it’s fine,” the voice said reassuringly to itself, its tone not sharing in that view. “You have a plan. Granted, it’s a nuclear option plan, but it is a plan.”

Just Duty craned his neck to get a better look over Holdfast. “Sounds like Light Patch,” he whispered. “One of the stallions in the center of what's going on.”

“Do you have any idea what he’s doing here?” Holdfast whispered back.

“All you have to do is force enough gridlock to seize up the whole senate, and break down any controlling coalitions that might exist,” the young pegasus muttered to himself. “With that, the whole senate will have to be re-elected; Blueblood included. Not ideal in the middle of two wars, but better than whatever new chaos Blueblood might cause. I could also snarl up P.I.S.S. I think, due to not needing re-electing as a special consideration senator. It’s just like the British Parliament.” Light Patch tried to wipe the sweat from his forehead. “I just wish I knew more about the British Parliament.”

“I thought you’d said he was de-villinized,” Holdfast whispered back, expertly holding back the worst of his alarm.

“That was the information Spike had provided.” Just Duty replied, idly wondering if he should have brought his hammer with him. The two listened to the stallion go over his plan two more times.

“His plan does have a certain level of elegance in its simplicity,” Holdfast replied, after listening to the pegasus panic as he went over his plan for at least the third time.

“His plan is to collapse one of the few branches of government still doing stuff now that the princesses have been cut out of the loop.” The older stallion paused for a moment as a stray thought occurred to him. “You know, come to think of it, I haven’t even had a meeting with them for a while longer than usual.”

“I’m not saying it is not a bit wonton in its scale,” Holdfast replied, “but I think we can use his plan in a more focused manner.” Without another word, the senator pushed his way into the room, causing the pegasus to jump in surprise.

“Oh, Senator Holdfast!” Light Patch gulped. “It’s good to meet you before the meeting. I'm Winter Bluff, the emergency representative of the Frozen North townstates-” That was as far as Light Patch was able to get into his cover story before he noticed Just Duty follow Holdfast into the room.

“You’re really not good at this pony name thing Light,” Just Duty said, a wry smile on his face. “A little advice: try to avoid using anything that could suggest lying in a name. Tends to make the ones you least want suspicious... suspicious.”

“We have a meeting to get to,” Holdfast cut in, “so I’ll have to keep this short. I heard your plan and I think it’s workable, but please: allow me to be the scalpel to your bonesaw and guide it a little more effectively. I believe there is a way we can oust Blueblood without completely paralyzing the only functioning governing body Equestria has.” He paused just long enough to let Light Patch’s brain catch up. “It would also work quite well with my plans to re-tune P.I.S.S. into something worth keeping around.”

“Or at least fix the name,” Just Duty said with a grimace. “We’ve been saying it so much that it is starting to have the effect of the sound of running water in a crowded room on me.”

“It’s on the list of priorities,” Holdfast admitted. “First things first: deal with Blueblood.”

“Actually, the first thing is to get to that senate meeting you mentioned,” Light Patch said, staring in horror at the working and accurate clock in the room. With a shared look, the three stallions bolted through the halls to try and not be much later than they already were.

* * *

Buck Skykicker looked up at the alicorn standing in front of him. It was still difficult for him to believe that he was working with an entire regiment of them, after preparing to fight them just days ago. “What is it?”

Iron Maiden’s smile was implacable. “Strategos- that is, Wits End wants to discuss how best to handle the situation in the north. As the commander of Rogue Squadron, he wanted you there for your expertise.”

Buck shared a look with the rest of his squad. “Don’t start anything while I’m gone.

“I never start anything,” Wedge quipped back. “I only finish things already in motion.”

With a nod, Buck turned to follow the alicorn. After a few tense minutes, he spoke. “Any harsh feelings?”

Iron Maiden looked down at him as they walked; the alicorn standing a good head taller than the pegasus. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we were on opposite sides of a war not too long ago. I want to know who has my back, and my squad’s for that matter.”

Iron Maiden stared at him for a good long time. “Is Equestria so barbaric that you only fight wars against your worst enemies?”

Buck was taken aback. “What, do alicorns fight wars for fun?”

“Of course not! But we respect our opponents. If we weren’t on opposite sides, we’d treat them to drinks at the tavern.” Iron Maiden frowned. “Perhaps that’s why we lost our empire…”

Despite himself, Buck chuckled. “So you’ve got my back?”

Iron Maiden nodded. “So long as you and your squadron wield those wings of yours against our common enemy, the 597th has your back.”

Buck nodded. “That’s a relief.”

The two of them came to a clearing, with Wits and Spike standing in the middle by a patch of bare dirt. “That’s roughly how the Crystal Empire looks, right?” Wits asked, making a few more lines in the dirt with a stick.

“Mostly,” Spike nodded. “I mean, it’s a lot more symmetrical on Twilight’s map…”

“Hey man…”

“Wits End.” Iron Maiden announced her presence, eliciting a small jump from the unicorn. “We are all here.”

“All?” Buck looked around the clearing. “Just the four of us?”

“Five.” A shadow moved past him, with a pair of eyes that reflected the moonlight around them. “Good to see ya again, boss.”

“Mousetail,” Wits replied with a nod. “No hard feelings?”

The Thestral grinned, revealing shining pointed fangs. “Are ya kidding? All you did was skip past that awkward part of the relationship where we try and figure out who’s in charge of who. I’ve got your back, boss.”

Wits End paused. “...Alright then.” He motioned towards the makeshift map in the dirt. “Let’s get to work.”

“So we have a map,” Buck said. “We still need a plan.”

“You’re talking to the pony who single-hoovedly brought Equestria to the brink of conquest,” Wits replied with a grin.

“You wouldn’t have won,” Buck replied. “There’s no way you would’ve beaten the Elements of Harmony.”

“And there’s no way Purple Heart would’ve used them against me. Don’t underestimate my conniving nature, kid. In another life, I could’ve been a smuggler.”

Buck frowned. “Then what’s your plan?”

“Simple. Mousetail, how big is the Royal Guard contingent in the Crystal Empire?”

Mousetail thought for a moment. “All up, about as big as your Alicorn groupies. Reports say that the bandit forces around that big too, but the Guardsponies can’t keep them pinned down.”

“That matches up with the info we got,” Buck said. “When we were sent in to try and snatch the Orb, most of our time was spent just tracking these guys down. They know the terrain too well to be caught by a traditional Equestrian force.”

“We can handle a few ponies,” Iron Maiden scoffed. “We’ll find them from the sky and rain down on them like-”

“No such luck,” Buck interrupted. “They’re not pony bandits, and they’re not a unified force. Half of them are Griffon mercenaries, and the others are a rag-tag bunch led by a Minotaur. There’s hardly any coordination between them, but that makes predicting them almost impossible. Sometimes they work together to fight off the Royal Guard, only to fight each other on the retreat.”

“So we’re dealing with two warlords, not one,” Wits cut in. “So let’s treat them as two separate forces instead.” He looked at each of them in turn. “Now obviously, we don’t know where our opponents are, but I have a lead on how they think.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

“The putz who hired them. Like I said, don’t underestimate me. Spike?”

Spike picked up the stick, drawing a rough circle that covered the middle of the map. “Based on the letters Twilight was getting from Cadance and Shining,” he said, “this is about where the Crystal Empire’s part of the Royal Guard is able to work best.” He finished by marking his drawing with a large ‘C’. “Any time those bandits got outside of that, and the Guard would lose them.”

Wits nodded. “Makes sense. They’re trained to protect the empire, not the snow around it. Farmboy, you got in amongst the bandits for a short time, right?”

Buck blinked. “Are… how did you know I was a-”

“Just assume I have some genre savviness and answer the question.”

“...Fine.” Buck sighed, calling up his memories of his last briefing. “The Bowgunners are your typical bandit mob. They’ve been hitting the outlying villages up here for years, but never been so much of an issue that they needed to be dealt with. This year, a new leader named Grill Grood took command and has been leading more aggressive raids.”

“And the others?”

“Talon Mercenary Company. Or at least, that’s what they call themselves. Came from the Griffon territory looking for work, and apparently didn’t realize that Equestria doesn’t deal in war. They take what they need, but still pretend to be professionals in the meantime. Leader’s called Solosun Grundy; by the books, as much as Griffons put stock in books.” Buck paused. “Anything else?”

“Nope,” Wits replied. “I needed a profile to work with, and you provided two excellent ones. Mousetail: we had some Thestrals up here to keep an eye on the Crystal Empire. Did they happen to track where the bandits were hitting?”

“Sure.” Mousetail took the offered stick from Spike, and started drawing out a series of small circles. “Those minotaur raids are all over like this… And the griffons,” she drew a single circle, just barely touching the edge of the Crystal Empire’s reach, “stick to this area.”

Wits grinned. “I do love when the enemy plays by the rules.” He paused. “Iron, you don’t have to raise your hoof. This is a warroom, not a classroom.”

“Sorry.” Iron Maiden put her hoof down. “It’s just… That’s a lot of ground to cover. The 597th wouldn’t be able to encircle a fraction of that, and the Equestrians have already proven that a straight battle won’t work.”

“I agree,” Wits said. “Which is why we’ll be avoiding a straight battle. You wanted a plan, farmboy? Well listen up, ‘cause here’s your plan.”

Chapter 50: Last Time On The West Wing...

Light Patch fought to keep himself awake as the senator across from him droned on in a speech the pony had clearly memorized from repeated use. So much so that the passion they’d put into it was long gone and now all that remained was a monotonous recital.

The grey pegasus’ ears perked when he thought it was coming to an end, only to realize it was a brief intermission. Taking the opportunity, he quickly, and rudely, cut in. “Yes, I’m sure you have many more important points to illustrate, but our time is rather limited and you are, to use a commoner’s phrase, ‘preaching to the choir’.”

“You are in agreement with us?”

“Nobel Thoughts is in agreement with you. It’s only natural that we ponies guide nature as the princesses guide us. It is for the benefit of all.”

“Yes, of course, but if you simply wished to support our cause, you’d send a note. Why are you truly here?” Char Cuterie asked, looking questioningly at the pegasus across from him.

“All we ask is that you back the Bill we’ve put forward. The one giving a few more privileges to nobles concerning how and where the estates are built, maintained, and expanded.” Light Patch replied, trying his best to sound like a haughty noble. He raised an eyebrow when Char Cuterie gave a short bark of laughter.

“Next you’ll be asking me to stop serving cheese in my restaurant, reshoe you, and style your mane.” Cuterie’s eyebrows rose at how Light Patch suddenly folded his hooves as if to protect them.

“No one is touching any pony’s hooves. All we ask is that you back us on this and we’ll give you our full support.”

“We’d be happy to support the bill. Provided you address the section we have issues with.”

“To modify the bill now would simply open it to being torn apart by all. We can address any issues Eco Improvement has with it later,” Light Patch countered with what he hoped was a noble enough shrug. “Support us on this now and we’ll support you in the future, without hesitation.”

Char Cuterie leaned back and contemplated the offer for a few minutes, eying the strange noble on the other side of the desk from him. “And what about that bill that we’re bringing to vote that would very strongly regulate noble estate land maintenance practices?”

“Not everypony was happy, but we talked the lesser members into supporting it. We believe it’s in the best interest of this alliance. And this alliance is to the benefit of more than just us or our parties. Not even just Equestria, but the world. And isn’t that the important thing?”

“It is. It’ll take a little bit to convince everyone but I do believe this will be an alliance with much room to grow into,” Cuterie said, holding a hoof out to Light Patch before he realised that the pony was very adamant on the hoof touching.

Light Patch trotted out of the restaurant a few minutes later. He was happy that Holdfast’s notes were good enough to get him through that. He then sighed as he pulled out the much thicker stack of notes related to the Noble party. Now he had to convince the Nobles that Eco Improvements was willing to kill a bill they’d been fighting for, if the Nobles would allow them to alter a bill in ways the Nobles had been fighting against for months.

Holdfast figured this would quite nicely set up the two parties with some friction against each other when their stances on the bill turn out to be wildly different. Light Patch paused, looking at a flower and briefly wondered if putting it in his hair would help before deciding against it.

* * *

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Buck Skykicker muttered, pulling the collar of his flight suit up against the snow storm.

“Add a bit to the bucket,” Wedge replied with a shiver. “Your bad feelings are gonna fund an awesome party once this whole thing is over.”

Buck shot his squadmate a glare. “It's this whole thing I have a bad feeling about. It feels like a trap.”

“Maybe it is!” Hobby jumped in, hovering over the two.

“Don’t jinx it,” Wedge chided. “And if it is a trap, there’s not much we can do about it. We already turned on one commander; we should be grateful Princess Sparkle is the Princess of Friendship instead of the Princess of Court Martials.”

“Maybe this is how the Princess of Friendship gets rid of loose ends,” Buck grumbled. “She gets her friends to take care of them.”

“It is strange, though.” Soon Fell said, as the other members of Rogue Squadron closed together. “I thought we were fighting the alicorns, and that this Wits End pony was their leader.”

“Didn’t you read the briefing?” Crowcall asked. “Apparently the alicorns ousted him and those are his loyalists.”

“Doesn’t that seem suspicious?” Buck took to the air, hovering a few feet off the ground. “We’ve got the pony responsible for the war leading an army, and he’s supposed to be on our side? After literally nothing?”

“Actually, they’re more like my honor guard.”

Rogue Squadron spun, immediately dropping into defensive stances. With a sigh, Buck waved them down with a wing. Standing before them was Wits End, with Spike at his side.

“Look alive, everypony!” Wits called. “It’s time for Rogue Squadron to learn what the former strategos of the Second Alicorn Diarchy does best.”

“And what’s that, exactly?” Wedge asked.

“Break all of the things. Let’s go!” A pair of spectral hands lifted Spike onto the saddlebags on Wits’ back as he broke into a gallop, Rogue Squadron taking to the air behind him.

“Shouldn’t we be flying too?” Spike asked.

“Only if we wanna be spotted by bandits,” Wits replied, struggling up a snow drift. “They’re gonna have their eyes firmly glued to the skies in a minute, so we’re much safer down here.”

“... And you can’t fly?”

“And also that, yes.”

“How did you end up in charge of an army of alicorns?”

“I’ll explain when you’re older.” Once they had reached the top of the hill, Wits and Spike looked out over the snow-cover plain below them. Tents of various sizes and quality dotted the landscape. “Bowgunners on the left,” Wits said with a smirk, peering through the whirling snowflakes around them, “and Talon on the right.”

“I think that’s Talon on the left,” Spike corrected.

“Really? Why?”

“Because that’s the side with the griffons.”

“Oh. Man, this snow is a right pain, it is.” Wits shook his head. “Regardless. Send the signals.”

Spike nodded, pulling a few scraps of paper from one of the saddlebags. He scratched out a quick message, then spewed flames over them, sending the ashes sailing away in the snowy wind.

* * *

“I must say I’m surprised you of all ponies would be representing Eco Harmony.” Char Cuterie stated.

Holdfast shrugged. “They asked me to quietly pass along this message to you for them. I suspect they wish to keep this little deal quiet. If I was to speculate, I think they’re hoping to shift the coalition supporting Blueblood.”

“They’d need a little more support. But I think we could even assist with that. And I do like the idea of the coalition shifting, so tell me what kind of backing you're thinking of?” Holdfast leaned back in his seat and seemed to ponder the question before answering.

“Knowing them, they’re probably hoping to find the middle ground on both of your stances to meet there. Anything further from me is simply speculation.”

“Please do speculate away,” Char Cuterie prompted Holdfast with a wave of his hoof. If he’d paid attention to where his hoof had ended, he’d have noticed at the other end of his restaurant one of the main party leaders of Natural Course talking to a rather stockier than normal earth pony. And he’d have been quite shocked to hear what that earth pony was saying.

“Yes, Ecological Harmony is more than happy to support your party consistently,” Just Duty said, taking a sip of the drink he’d ordered. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it had more umbrellas and garnishes than drink. Which he found amusing. Even if his sip did deplete half of the drink because of that.

“I’m surprised they would back us so freely,” Water Flow stated, looking at the large stallion across from her.

“Well, freely but not openly. Not yet, anyway. With Blueblood’s ineptity, a coalition shift is in the near future,” Just Duty spoke quietly, finishing his drink with a second sip.

“An alliance would be a very favorable shift for us... I’m very intrigued, but I’m surprised that Moderate Stance isn’t directly telling me this,” Water Flow commented, all but asking who Just Duty was without actually asking.

“I’m a member of the group, but my job sees me out in the field quite often, leaving me not well known. And as for why me, they want to keep this quiet and how better than to send a pony most don’t even know, let alone know is a part of your group? Now, I think I’ll get a refill for myself. How about you?”

* * *

Grill tossed the makeshift desk away. “What’d you mean, we’re under attack?” the minotaur leader roared.

“Ponies!” the other Bowgunner shouted, tossing Grill a javelin. “The flyin’ ones! Four of’m just made a zoggin’ mess of the mess tent!”

Grill snarled, shoving past the bandit and out of the tent. Visibility was terrible, but he could make out a few dark shapes whipping around in the snowy skies. “I hate Ponies,” he growled. “I really, really do.” He turned to the rest of the camp. “Up and at’m, you gits! It’s fighting time again! Minnie! Where’s the Orb?”

“I’ve got it,” the Bowgunners’ second-in-command said, hoof-deep in the snow with a pack over their back. “I haven’t let this out of my sight.”

“Good. We’re already missing half of our Orb. I’m not letting Ponies get hold of the other half. Keep an eye out for those Talon gits. Every time we get a fight, they have to show up and complicate things.”

Grill whirled about, his hand snapping at the air behind him. He felt something brush his fingers, and came away with a sand-colored feather. “Somepony thought he could get the drop on us,” he snarled. “Let’s go. Those Crystal Empire Guardsponies’ll be sending in the ones that can’t fly soon.”

“Boss!” Minnie pointed up into the darkened sky. Grill looked up to see more shapes in the darkness, moving in ranks. One seemed to take the lead, and began to glow. “What the f-”

“Criminal scum!” The voice echoed from above, full of authority and confidence in the cold wind. “You stand accused and guilty of holding an artifact that threatens the Second Alicorn Diarchy!” There was a flash, and the clouds parted above them, revealing dozens of alicorns hovering overhead. “In the face of these charges,” the leader continued, “I, Iron Maiden of the Second Alicorn Diarchy, must demand your immediate surrender!”

Grill, along with the rest of the Bowgunner bandits stared up at the alicorns. “I thought there was only four of them,” Minnie muttered.

“That’s a lot more than four,” Grill spat back. He reeled back and chucked his javelin, sending it whistling through the air straight between the eyes of the lead alicorn.

Less than a foot away, the javelin was frozen in place by an aura of magic. “Your response has been received,” Iron Maiden’s voice echoed, holding a certain impressed twist to it. “Very well! Prepare yourselves!”

With that, the alicorns dove.

It didn’t take long for Grill to realize why four alicorns had been considered enough for all of Equestria. Each Bowgunner could hold their own against a member of the Royal Guard, but each of these alicorns was like a dozen Guardsponies at once. The bandits fell back in bunches, kept together only by Grill Grood’s shouting. The bandit leader even managed to drop an alicorn, using a tent pole like club to swat it out of the sky. Eventually, though, the minotaur felt feathers along his back.

“Seems like that bluster wasn’t for nothing after all.”

Grill spun around, tent pole at the ready. But instead of an armored alicorn, he found a ragged griffon. Grill snarled, or perhaps smiled. “If it isn’t the bird brains.”

Solosun clicked his tongue in irritation. “You could at least thank me for taking half of the heat off of you,” he said briskly. Behind him, the Talon Mercenaries were formed into rough squadrons, flying against the alicorns whenever their armored foes came into sight.

Grill spat blood into the snow. “I’ll thank you if we’re still standin’ at the end of this,” he growled. “Where’d you come from?”

“It seems we inadvertently set up camp on opposite sides of the hill.” Solosun jerked his head towards the expanse of snow to one side. “The alicorns forced us into the sky, and we saw your band down here.”

“Well ain’t that convenient,” Grill growled. “If you’re such a military fellow, what’d you think our chances are?”

“Under normal circumstances,” Solosun mused, “I’d recommend negotiating a conditional surrender. However, we have two things that make this less than normal.”

Grill gave a humorless chuckle. “You mean two halves of a busted Orb.” He jerked one hand, calling Minnie over to them. “Unless you grew a horn,” he said, pulling out half of the Orb of Glacious, “there ain’t much we can do with these.”

“Actually, the Orb is only one thing,” Solosun said with a grin. He gave a sharp whistle, summoning a pair of battered griffons with a sack carried between them.

Grill watched as the two griffons landed next to them—one handing Solosun the other half of the Orb—and his eyebrows knitted as he noticed the contents of the sack moving. “Aaaaand what’s the other thing?”

Solosun motioned with a wing, and the griffons upended the sack. Two ponies, their legs and muzzles bound, tumbled into the snow between the bandit leaders. “Leverage,” the Talon Mercenary leader purred, as he moved closer. “I’m sure you remember our former colleague, Moon Dancer? It seems she wanted to play the hero and steal my half of the Orb back without any help from her friends.”

The mercenary came to a stop next to the other pony and knelt, looking the bound and gagged Moon Dancer in the eyes. “Now, I’m sure you remember what will happen to your friend Winter Sun here if you try anything funny.” To emphasize his point, Solosun placed his talons on the back of the farmpony’s neck, forcing her face into the snow. “Right?”

Moon Dancer’s eyes flicked between Winter Sun, and the talons around her neck. Eventually, she nodded once.

“Good.” Solosun held out his half of the Orb of Glacious. “Put the two halves together.”

Grill’s frown deepened. “Won’t she try and freeze us with it?”

Solosun tapped one talon against Winter Sun’s neck. “She won’t.”

“...Fine.” Grill pressed his half of the Orb against Solosun’s, and the air filled with a hum of energy. “Now what happens?”

“Our friend Moon Dancer protects us from the oncoming alicorns.” Solosun said simply. “Isn’t that right?”

Moon Dancer closed her eyes, her horn glowing with a faint violet light that soon surrounded the Orb. In a flash, all sounds of combat disappeared, only to be replaced with an eerie silence.

Grill opened one of his tightly shut eyes. “What happened?”

Solosun grinned widely as he looked around. “It seems we have some time to think,” he said, watching as Bowgunners and Talon Mercenaries alike picked themselves up off the ground. “And you owe me an apology.”

* * *

“As I understand it, a new pony is operating in the area with the 597th and they’ve got a plan to see things start to wrap up,” Light Patch finished explaining to several senators in the Communialist party. Whether or not he thought he had more important things to focus on, he was still the emergency representative of the Frozen North. That isn’t to say he wasn’t happy that this little meeting had little to nothing to do with Holdfast’s plan to pitch Blueblood with the bathwater, so to speak.

The pegasus thought the meeting would have little to nothing to do with Holdfast’s plan, yet he failed to notice what the Communialists had. Specifically, the two ponies several booths over from them.

“What are you all whispering about?” the pegasus finally asked.

“Roam and Jewel are over in one of the corner booths.” The purple coated mare pointed sedately with a hoof.

“Looks like a date. There’s been a lot of rumors floating about them, especially since their parents ‘perished’.” Light Patch could hear the air quotes around the word. “Which coincidentally left them to fill in their roles for now.”

“It’s actually a slightly uplifting story really. Their love, that is,” the mare said.

“Aren’t they in opposing parties?” Light Patch asked, glancing at the pair. A small thought seeded in his mind and slowly growing into a full flower of an idea.

“Yes. Considered and Progressive Action. The Progressive Action party tends to side with us over their similarly named counterparts,” one of the senators confirmed.

“You should enjoy that while it lasts,” Light Patch commented, taking a sip of his drink while still watching the two ponies.

“What are you implying by that?”

“I’m just saying that considering they sound like two darlings of the senate, with sympathy and a great love story to boot, I wouldn’t be surprised if it causes their two parties to set aside more things to cooperate in honor of them and their hardships. And Celestia help you if they get married,” Light Patch warned, turning back to the purple coated mare. He shrugged. “I might be wrong but you never know.”

The mare looked skeptical of his thought, as did a couple of the others at the table with them, but he also noticed at least one pony looking very thoughtful and another seemed outright concerned. He didn’t really expect his words to hold a lot of weight, but even a tiny spark could set a house alight, and this was really more of an attack of opportunity anyway.

* * *

Wits and Spike looked down from their place on top of the hill. “What was that?” Spike asked, rubbing his eyes.

“A fly in the ointment,” Wits muttered.

The two of them looked at the dome of ice that had formed around the battlefield, and the alicorns circling around the outside of it. Wits could make out a few alicorns using their magic to melt ice from their armor, and others trying unsuccessfully to do the same to the dome.

Rogue Squadron landed a few meters away, with their leader coming to a stop next to Wits End. “We have a problem,” Buck said.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Wits replied.

“More than that.” Buck motioned towards the ice dome. “The last thing I saw before I got thrown out of there was the bandit leaders. They have hostages.”

Wits hissed through his teeth. “Anypony we know?” Buck’s eyes narrowed, and Wits sighed. “I just want to know what I’m dealing with. Of course we’re rescuing them.”

Buck nodded. “One was dressed like the villagers that live outside the Crystal Empire proper. The other looked like one of Princess Twilight’s associates.”

“One of the Elements?”

“No. If I remember the reports correctly, her name is Moon Dancer.”

“Of course it’s Moon Dancer,” Wits grumbled. “Alright. Spike, send messages telling Iron and Mousetail to meet us up here. We need a new plan.” He gazed down at the dome. “And I might need to call in a little help...”

* * *

“I certainly hope you weren’t left waiting for too long.”

Holdfast looked up from his newspaper to find an elderly stallion standing near his table. The copper pony was a bit shorter, but quite a bit wider, than Holdfast. He smiled. “Ah, Heavy Wait. No, I was just enjoying a rare moment of peace here in Canterlot in between senate business. Please, have a seat.”

Heavy Wait chuffed appreciably as he sat, eliciting a pained groan from the wooden chair. “Ah, yes, I can completely understand that. Ever since our dear princesses left and the young Prince Blueblood took the throne- Would you mind if I helped myself to a danish?”

Holdfast smirked and pushed the tray of pastries closer.

“Thank you. As I was saying, since Blueblood took the throne, those of us who make things happen here in Canterlot have had a dreadfully busy time of it, eh?” The danish disappeared into Heavy Wait’s mouth in one bite, and the rotund stallion was already gesturing with another one in his hoof. “Surely, you and your senate can do something about him?”

“Acting Regent Blueblood has done as best as can be expected given the circumstances,” Holdfast said casually, punctuating his statement with a sip of his tea. “Still, the senate is doing everything we can to keep life at home calm while the regent focuses on the war effort. Certainly would be easier with an alicorn on the throne, though.”

“Hmm, quite.” Heavy Wait took a despondent bite of a croissant. “But the Prince has the attention span of a highly respectable fruit fly. It’s exceedingly difficult to get him to focus on Equestria’s priorities long enough to- I say, is that Ponultimo I see there?”

A dignified, if slightly ridiculous-looking, stallion in full Royal Guard dress uniform approached the table, giving a jaunty smile as he drew closer. “Indeed, it is I!” He sat in the remaining empty seat, removing his peaked cap with a flourish. “And-a how are we today, my dear comrades?”

Holdfast gave enough time for Heavy Wait’s noncommittal answer before he responded. “We were just discussing how the young Blueblood makes it difficult to focus on protecting Equestria’s interests.”

Ponultimo nodded, brushing his hair back with one hoof. “On-a that, we’re agreed. Our-a prince hasn’t so much as-a met one-on-one with we Royal Guard Reformists since he took-a the throne.”

“Or with the E.P.F.,” Heavy Wait grumbled. “What’s the point of being the spokespony for Equestrian Priorities First if our good prince won’t take the time to prioritize Equestrians, eh?”

“He spoke to Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Holdfast pointed out. “And with her mother, Twilight Velvet.” He took another sip of his tea, noting the discomfort on both of the other pony’s faces. “How was your meeting with Miss Velvet, Heavy Wait? Remember, if she shared her pineapple crumble recipe, you did promise to share it with me.”

While Heavy Wait seemed to deflate into a series of half-started objections, Ponultimo’s eyebrows narrowed. “You met with-a the leader of the Royal Wisdom party, Heavy Wait? What about-a our agreement?”

“Now, see here!” Heavy Wait sputtered. “Just because somepony meets with another pony, in a completely casual situation I might add, doesn’t mean anything politically!”

“Holdfast called it a meeting!”

“It was a flugelhorn recital, for goodness sakes!”

While the two party leaders bickered, Holdfast motioned to a passing waitress. “Could I get a refill on my tea?” he asked with a smile. “And another tray of those pastries. I think those two will be at it for a while.”

Chapter 51: We've Officially Run Out of Chapter Titles

“I can’t believe I’m stuck working with you again,” Grill grumbled.

Solosun rolled his eyes. “So you’ve said. Multiple times by now. But things are different than they were before.”

“Yeah. Before, if I wanted to punch you square in the beak, there was an annoying pony to stop me. Now I gotta rely on sheer willpower.”

“Oh spare me. I’m not letting you get under my feathers this time. Not with a small army of alicorns waiting for us outside that dome.” Solosun peeked through the tent flap at a well-guarded tent not far away, containing the Orb of Glacious—the two halves held together by the magical power Moon Dancer had put into it. “No, we have a show of force big enough for Equestria to see. Now we wait for the ponies to get scared of our reformed Orb, and they’ll come to negotiate peace.”

“We don’t have a zoggin’ reformed Orb,” Grill pointed out.

The griffon let the tent flap drop and walked back towards the minotaur. “But they don’t know that. All warfare is based on deception.”

Grill folded his arms in front of his chest. “This literally could not get any worse.”

“It CAN get worse!” A grey pony appeared in the tent entrance, tracking water on the floor as pranced in. “I just washed my hooves. That’s why they’re wet.” He looked at the two bandit leaders, who were staring daggers at him. “No other reason.”

Grill snorted, sending steam into the air. “You’re back,” he growled.

“Well, you know what they say,” Light Patch said with a shrug. “Can’t keep a bad pony down.” He leaned casually against the wall of the tent, only to catch the edge of the tent flap and tumble out with a yelp. A moment later, he reappeared in the entrance. “And I think it’s safe to say, I’m the worst pony out there.”

“What do you want?” Solosun said sharply. “If you’re looking for your little partner in excavation, she’s locked up safe and sound.”

“Oh, Moon Dancer?” Light Patch made a dismissive noise. “I already got her out of here.”

“WHAT?” Grill leapt to his feet, grabbing a nearby spear.

“Relax,” Solosun said with a grin. “He’s bluffing.”

Light Patch looked between the two bandit leaders, then shrugged. “Suit yourself. Isn’t anyone going to ask how I got in your fortress of solitude?”

“The same way you got out last time,” Grill spat. “Disappearin’ from where you are, and appearin’ where no-one’s lookin’.”

“The more important question,” Solosun said as he rose to his feet, “is what you intend to do in the middle of the most powerful force north of the Crystal Empire.”

“Yeah, about that.” Light Patch brushed a spare bit of snow from his hoof. “I kinda sorta need my Orb back.”

“Your Orb,” Grill repeated blankly.

“My Orb,” the pegasus echoed back. “Yeah, see, you’ve been kinda borrowing it this whole time? And I need that back to fix some problems I may or may not have caused back in Canterlot. I know, I know, Wits said ‘no disintegrations’, but you haven’t seen how he plays Coltsader Kings. I just need to put some particularly problematic pony politicians on ice for a bit, then I’ll definitely give you the Orb back.”

The tent went deathly silent. Light Patch cleared his throat. “Please?”

“You have to be,” Solosun groaned, pinching the bridge of his beak between two talons, “the worst pony I’ve ever heard of.”

“But you have heard of me,” Light Patch replied smugly.

A moment later, Light Patch was thrown to the ground with a griffon’s claws around his neck. “Well,” he muttered, spitting out a mouthful of dirt, “that could’ve gone better.”

“You,” Solosun growled, “are an idiot. Back in Griffonstone, you would’ve been tied up at the end of a banner and used as target practice. However, you will make an excellent addition to the growing store of hostages we’ve collected. Maybe with the three of you, we can negotiate a more reasonable peace with the Crystal Empire.”

With a hiss, Solosun pulled his claw away from the pegasus. He stared at the shallow cut running along his leg. “What? How did you-” He glared at the pony slowly standing upright before him, and the glow that was moving along their body. “What is happening? What are you doing?”

With a shake of his head, the colt’s mane changed from brown and pink to mint and seafoam. Wits End stood before the two bandit chiefs, his mouth set in a cocky smirk. “I’m distracting you,” the unicorn grinned, “ya big turdblossums.”

In an instant, the tent was torn from the ground. Grill and Solosun looked around to find their entire combined camp lying on the ground, with either Alicorns or Crystal Empire Guardsponies standing over them. Not far away, Moon Dancer and a squad of pegasi were handing off the two halves of the Orb of Glacious to a team of Crystal Ponies.

Solosun grit his beak. “How?” he managed.

“What, you think I just popped in here on my own, and wandered into the middle of the enemy camp on a laugh?” Wits asked. “I have a regiment of Alicorns on my side, bird boy. They cut a hole through your little dome long enough for me and Rogue Squadron to sneak through. They disabled the Orb, while I kept you two busy so you couldn’t organize your, quite frankly, pathetic excuses for a civil war.”

Grill stared at the Crystal Empire ponies around them. “But… but I thought-”

“That you were outside our territory?” The bandits turned to see Shining Armor approaching, coming to a stop next to Wits End. “The Crystal Empire’s pretty big, but when we have exact coordinates, it becomes a lot easier to find some bandits.”

“And a messenger dragon helps with getting those coordinates right to the Captain of the Guard,” Wits finished. “Plus, knowing that said Captain assumes that his sister’s dragon’s clawwriting means the message comes from his sister helps to cut down on the back-and-forth.”

Shining Armor blinked. “Wait, you mean Twilight isn’t here?”

“In a minute, Chad.” Wits smirked at the two bandit leaders. “Any other questions before you get locked up in pony prison for the rest of your lives?”

“Yes,” Solosun growled. “With nothing to lose, what stops me from tearing out your throat, like a true Griffon mercenary?”

There was a dull thud, followed by the heavy thump as Solosun hit the ground. Iron Maiden stood behind him, dropping the tent pole she’d been holding in her magic. “I do,” she said flatly, looking down at the knocked-out griffon. She turned her steely gaze on the minotaur next. “Any more questions?”

Grill meekly raised a hand. “What’s the chances of gettin’ out early with good behavior?”

* * *

Light Patch took his seat near Holdfast as Just Duty settled in on one of the usual royal guard sentry positions close to them, as did many other ponies and non-ponies as they also filed into the large chamber. “It’s a thing of beauty isn’t it?” Holdfast asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I suppose it’s nice enough,” Light Patch remarked looking around. “a bit gaudy for my tastes honestly.”

“I’ve always thought of this room like the cooking of somepony who thought adding everything into the same meal was a good idea,” Just Duty noted. “Honestly mixing Appleachian wood inlays with Nimbusian column design, and then you have all of the Porsk fine stone work-” He paused at the glare Holdfast sent his way. “What?”

“I’m talking about the government, you two.” The senator sighed heavily. “This room is the inner workings of the greatest machine made by the hooves of the living.”

“This whole couple of weeks has been like learning how the sausage is made.” Light Patch interrupted, earning his own glare from the stallion.

“I saw how the sausage is made once,” Just Duty remarked, enjoying the small twitches playing around Holdfast’s face. “A Griffonian meat plant. I couldn’t eat for two days after that.”

“You’re both cretins.” Holdfast muttered, just before Blueblood, who’d entered without their notice, banged his gavel against the center podium.

“Gentle Colts and Gentle Mares, and all other Gentle beings. Let us bring this session to its beginning. It’s too nice of a day to spend it all tucked inside with friends.” The three stallions smiled as Blueblood either misread the room, or simply failed to notice the general sense of animosity amongst all the ponies present. “There is really only one thing to do at this time. A quick yea or nay vote on a bill, then we can be onto bigger and brighter things in our day, such as lunch.”

“I hope he had a heavy breakfast,” Light Patch muttered quietly, earning a light smack from Holdfast.

“So then all in favor of the Notability Of Battlefield Legacy Events bill, say Aye,” Blueblood called, smiling constantly as he watched ponies of his party raise their hooves, but the smile faltered at the lack of any outside the party. “And opposed?” Now Blueblood’s smile faded as for the first time in all of Equestria’s history every single pony on the council had voted on a bill: granted, this was mostly against.

“And now the show begins.” Holdfast muttered with an almost feral grin.

Blueblood swallowed loudly and resisted the urge to shuffle the pages of the bill on his lectern. He looked around at the assembly and weighed his options.

“Any particular reason you’re still standing there?” a voice called to the white unicorn. Blueblood blinked, looking to where the question had come from. Amongst a knot of ponies in the Harmonists Party, one pony was standing, eyeing Blueblood with ill-concealed irritation.

“Pardon me?” Blueblood asked, mind racing absolutely nowhere as panic slowly filled his chest.

“You proposed the bill, it was voted down, end of story,” the pony said. “Do you have something else to say, or do you need longer to count? Seemed pretty straightforward to me.”

A ripple of laughter passed through the council and Blueblood flushed brightly in embarrassment. He cleared his throat, waiting for the noise in the chamber to subside before speaking. “Honoured councilmembers,” he said, “might I suggest we look over the wording of the bill before we vote? I do not feel the true sentiment of the text was completely understood for all present.” Blueblood quirked the corner of his lips in a small smile, evidently pleased with the phrasing of his request. The ensuing laughter left him most confused as he stood awkwardly at the lectern.

“It would seem like a fairly straight forward bill,” one of the other ponies mentioned, “You want to memorialize a battlefield with a park.”

“A theme park that would replace the nearby town,” Light Patch added aloud to stir a little more resentment.

“That nearby town being Ponyville,” Holdfast said, his voice carrying with practiced ease. “Where one of our few remaining Princesses resides.”

“Hence why we in the Royal Wisdom party voted this down,” an older mare said, moving to stand up. “Now about that ‘getting on to lunch’ you mentioned.”

“I’m not sure what you’re trying to do, Blueblood,” a pony from Blueblood’s own party called, “but drop it. The bill was voted down. Let's just let this one pass us.”

Blueblood smoothed the expression on his face to hide his pout. “But certainly we can convince Twilight Sp-”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle!” a member of the Considered Action party shouted.

“Ahem, Princess Twilight Sparkle to move into the castle here in Canterlot?” the unicorn finished. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“And what about the rest of Ponyville?” It was an EPF pony this time. “Do you expect them to move half their population just for the construction of a park to memorialize the battleground of a duel? A duel between a defunct ruler and an officer of an invading army, no less?”

Blueblood’s brain was near steaming now as he bounced between the two possible answers rattling away in his skull.

“Aaah...” he hummed. “Yes?”

“And who will fund this mass migration of misplaced ponies?” a Communialist pony asked.

“More than that,” a pony from the Natural Harmonists party cut in, “who will pay for the park itself? Do you expect us to build over the site of the battle? Or somehow leave that area untouched?”

“Leave that scar on the land untouched?” a Natural Course member gasped. “Why is this even a discussion? We should be healing that land, not commemorating the scab!”

Blueblood blinked at the rapidly fired questions and locked onto just one. “Well… I’m sure if we ask nicely, the Second Alicorn Diarchy can pay for it all.”

“I might actually have to break up a brawl,” Just Duty quipped, looking a little more attentive than he’d had been.

“You want to ask... an invading force to fund the construction of a theme park and memorial where a critical member of their command staff got their flank handed to them in a widely public display?” an older stallion wearing a medal or two still from his time long ago in the royal guard stated simply.

“Are you dumb?” a councillor from Noble Thought asked, prompting Light Patch to lean over to whisper to Holdfast.

“I mean if he wasn’t we wouldn’t be doing all of this to him.”

“Let’s not be mean,” Holdfast muttered back, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “A few more comments like that, and he’ll have all the rope he needs to hogtie himself.” He gave the pegasus a sidelong glance. “Perhaps you’d like to throw a little kindling on the fire?”

“With pleasure.” Light Patch smiled and turned to look towards Blueblood, before turning back just as quick, this time with a sheepish look, “Just as soon as I think of something. No wait, I just remembered a good one.” The pegasus raised his voice, as if trying to talk to Holdfast but being just loud enough to be heard. “This still seems like a better idea than putting his newly hired butler basically in charge of the nation.” Light Patch finished with a satisfied smile.

“That was the best shot you had?” Just Duty asked.

“This is why I wanted to deal with the alicorns,” Ligh Patch said. “I’m not suited for politics-”

“A commoner in charge?” the leader of Noble Thought shouted, ignoring their monocle which had popped off their face. “What game are you playing at Blue Blood!”

Blueblood blinked. “Game? Whatever do you mean? I merely trusted my butler to look after the throne in my absence.”

“Your absence being a long jaunt around the Summer Estate?” snarled a member of the Royal Guard Reformists. “You let your butler run the country while an invading force marched across our territory?!”

“Shooda lef da throne to da ‘Ogz’z!” roared the sole member of the Hogz Tribe in attendance. “Puny ‘ittle poneez don know nufink ‘bout foightin’! We’z kooda run doz ally-cornz back da way dey came wit eaze! No problem! Stoopid butt-ler fot betta than puny poneez did! Right propa ‘Ogz iz ‘ee!”

“...Quite,” sniffed the Noble Thought leader as he polished his monocle. “One way or the other, Blueblood, your behaviour during this whole kerfuffle has certainly given us pause for concern.”

“But… the bill...”

“I think that’s quite enough tormenting the poor colt,” Holdfast whispered to his compatriots as he stood. “Gentlemares and Colts, if I may! It seems-” His voice was lost in the low rumble of ponies’ voices as members of each party began talking over each other, occasionally punctuated by Blueblood’s impotent yelps for order, or an attempt from the Hogz Tribe representative to start a WAAUGH. “Perhaps that was more kindling than necessary…”

Just Duty stepped up and, with a swift motion, brought his hoof down on the desk Holdfast and Light Patch had been sitting at. With a sharp crack, the desk split in two, silencing the room as they all turned to look at the seeming wanton destruction. “Oh, none of you give me that look. This desk was broken and you all know it. The lot of you are just mad y’aren’t the ones who did it yourselves.” Just Duty nodded before turning to go back to his position near the back wall.

Holdfast gave a subtle nod to the Paladin, then cleared his throat. “Since we have a convenient silence here,” he said, “please allow me to step in for just a moment. It seems that we’ve reached an ideological impasse here. Here we are arguing about what to do with a few dozen acres of land, while more important issues remain undealt with. War, gentlemares and colts, is still being waged on Equestrian soil; not just by invading alicorns, but by bandits running rampant in the north.”

“A-an excellent point, Senator Holdfast,” Blueblood coughed. “If we could just-”

“With all due respect,” Holdfast said, leaving Blueblood muttering to himself, “the root of those issues sits right in this very room. My good regent, I am afraid that if one were to lay the blame for the current state of Canterlot and its rulership over Equestria on one pony, that pony would look an awful lot like you.”

Blueblood blinked. “I have a doppelganger?”

“...No. I am speaking of you, sir.” Holdfast ignored the spluttering regent and turned his gaze to the rest of the surrounding ponies. “My fellow Equestrians, in the best interest of Equestria and her ponies, I must call for a Vote of No Confidence against Regent Blueblood. Is anypony willing to second this call?”

“Aye,” came Char Cuterie’s voice. “Enough playing around at rulership. I second the motion.”

“And I third it,” Heavy Wait’s wheeze echoed through the room. “In the interest of Equestria’s priorities, of course.”

“Then,” Holdfast said, “all those in favor?”

Blueblood would be slightly pleasantly pleased upon later reflection many years later: that was the second time that day that the entire council had voted on something. And for the first time in history they had all voted unanimously. Granted, it was to oust him from office, but he hadn’t exactly wanted the job. It was just sometimes that great ponies got hoofed great responsibility.

As the former regent was led away from the podium, one pony voiced what every senator was thinking. “So… what happens now?”

“As these are extraordinary times,” Holdfast said, calling on the research he’d done after Light Patch had first come up with this crazy idea, “the senate would act as a regency council until such a time when we can elect a proper regent. In the meantime, we can nominate some ponies for short-term leadership.”

“Does this mean I can go get lunch now?” Blueblood asked.

“Just Duty, can you please escort him from the chambers?” Holdfast asked, getting a nod from the stallion.

A wry smile played across the senator’s lips. “Also, I would like to nominate Just Duty as temporary regent,” he said quickly, forcing the smile off his face as the larger stallion whirled around on the spot and glared at him.

“You son of a-”

The rest of what the Paladin said was lost as Light Patch burst into laughter.

* * *

Two hours to pen and send a letter requesting a parley with Sol Eater, Co-Ruler of the Second Alicorn Diarchy.

An hour more to write missives to Equestrian Military Command.

Nearly TWO DAYS to receive a reply from Sol Eater. Granted, Purple Heart spent those two days setting his trap in place, but the anxiety was burning something fierce inside him. Remarkably, the monarch had agreed to the call for parley and had outlined the time of their arrival on one of the bluffs not too far from the portal. All this worked perfectly for Purple Heart and he only had to move his trap from the other side of the encampment.

So now he stood there on the third day, waiting for Sol Eater’s arrival atop the bluff in question. In hindsight, any hilltop would do. With the amount within view range, any could have fit the parameters Sol Eater demanded. All she had to do now was come to him.

Squinting his eyes against the bright, mid-morning sun, Purple Heart scanned the sky. Several clouds coasted overhead, one of which drifted across the sun above and supplied a short stint of shade for the purple earth pony. With a sigh, Purple sat on his haunches, having been standing for nearly two hours now. The reply had dictated an arrival time of shortly before noon, but Purple Heart’s paranoia demanded arriving early in case of any surprises. It also gave the purple stallion ample time to finalize his plans to full readiness.

Unconsciously, Purple Heart started to hum, allowing himself a small respite from the madness of the last few months.

“Yohohoho, yo hoho hoooo,” he sang softly. “Yohohoho, yo hoho hooooo. Yohohoho, yo hoho hoooo. Yohohoho, yo hoho hooooo…

“Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo,

Umikaze kimakase namimakase,

Shio no mukou de, yuuhi mo sawagu,

Sora nya wa wo kaku, tori no uta...

Sayonara minato, Tsumugi no sato yo

DON to icchou utao, funade no uta,

Kinpa-ginpa mo shibuki ni kaete,

Oretacha yuku zo, umi no kagiri.”

Swaying back and forth, Purple Heart resumed humming. He closed his eyes and sat there on the bluff, hoping this moment wouldn’t end. If only Wits and Light were here to share it with him.

Something struck the ground not far from where Purple Heart sat, shocking the purple earth pony out of his singing and bringing him to his hooves. The cloud of dust kicked up from the impact masked whatever had landed and had barely started to dissipate when another impact rocked the hill. Purple Heart coughed, waving at the dust with a hoof. Then the third impact hit. With a groan, he started waving his hoof rapidly, trying to keep dust away from his face as at least a dozen more impacts shook the hillock. When the trembling ceased, Purple Heart cracked an eye open.

“Can I look now?” he asked.

“Yes,” a harsh voice confirmed. Opening his eyes fully, Purple blinked several times.

Sol Eater stood several paces away from him, glaring at him with her hard gold eyes, her wings flared behind her majestically.

Purple Heart inclined his head to the monarch. When he raised it, he saw Sol Eater’s arched eyebrow of surprised confusion.

“Can’t hurt to be a little civil and respectful, can it?” he quipped, a small smile on his lips.

Sol Eater didn’t return the smile.

Purple winced and glanced at the alicorns behind Sol Eater then back at the monarch. “Your coterie?”

“Indeed. These are my Primarechs,” Sol Eater stated.

Purple Heart blinked rapidly and looked over the alicorn ruler’s shoulder again. “...Wat?” He counted quickly. “Why’s there twenty of them?”

A frown creased Sol Eater’s brow. “Why would there not be?”

“Cos eighteen follows through on the reference,” Purple Heart explained vaguely.

Sol Eater glared at the purple stallion. “Are you quite done wasting time?”

“Eeyup.”

Sol Eater closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then exhaled one long, drawn out breath. Opening her eyes and looking hard at Purple Heart, she spoke. “Now, you requested a parley.” Her eyes narrowed. “For what pur-”

“Seduce me.”

Sol Eater gave the purple earth pony one long, slow blink of confused disbelief. “I beg your pardon?”

“Seduce me,” he repeated firmly.

Sol Eater looked over her shoulder at her soldiers, fruitlessly expecting an explanation from them. Her forces just stared back at her blankly, offering no assistance. She turned back to Purple Heart. “I don’t think-”

“SEDUCE ME!” roared the purple stallion.

“I’m sorry, but you just do not do it for me!” cried Sol Eater, flaring her wings defensively.

“Piss biscuits,” Purple Heart grumbled. “I was sure that would work...”

“I can guarantee it would not have!” the sun-themed alicorn said. “Now, kindly explain to me the purpose of this ‘parley’ you have called!”

“Honestly, the parley was just to get you here so I wouldn’t have to go searching for you,” Purple Heart explained.

Sol Eater blinked. “That is... fair,” she admitted. “I was in the midst of raiding some poor, defenseless hamlet for supplies, but your invitation for talks of surrender intrigued me.” She straightened, coming to her full height. “What are the terms you wish for Equestria’s surrender to the Second Alicorn Diarchy?”

Purple looked up at the towering alicorn for several long seconds of silence. Behind Sol Eater, the other alicorns started shifting anxiously as the silence dragged on. Sol Eater herself was watching Purple Heart while Purple Heart in turn was staring at Sol Eater. With the dumbest look on his face he could manage.

“You have managed to make your face appear flat from the front,” Sol Eater commented, ignoring the sighs of relief from behind her. “Are you doing that for some inane purpose other than to look dull and dim witted?”

“Nope.”

“...You are mocking me, are you not?”

“Eeyup.”

“...”

“Is it working?”

Sol Eater’s right eye twitched. “Is what working?”

“My attempt at stalling?”

A beam of incandescent light struck Purple Heart in the chest and tore through him, carving a whole clean through the purple earth pony.

“You never intended to surrender, did you?” Sol Eater asked the corpse irritably.

“If you’d paid attention to the message, you would’ve known I was asking for your surrender,” the corpse said.

The alicorns blinked in unison.

“Ah, seems the jig is up,” Purple Heart’s string clone mused thoughtfully as it unravelled. Strings wafted into the air and disappeared.

A vengeful scowl twisted into being on Sol Eater’s face. “FIND HIM!” she ordered thunderously. The alicorns leapt into action, soaring up to give themselves a clear survey of the surrounding area. The portal loomed to the east, a monolith of power that the alicorns ignored in favour of spotting their quarry. It wasn’t long before one of their number did.

“There!” they cried, pointing with a hoof back toward the hillock the short-lived parley had taken place on. Sol Eater looked around and zeroed in on Purple Heart. The earth pony in question was sitting on his haunches right behind her, his eyes glazed as he stared off into space. With a snap of her hindquarters, she pulverized the purple stallion with a devastating kick of her back legs.

A look of righteous fury crossed Sol Eater’s face as more strings drifted on the wind.

“There!” Another alicorn pointed.

“There!”

“There!”

The air was quickly filled with cries of alicorn after alicorn spotting Purple Heart. Each of them were pointing in different directions. Sol Eater leapt into the air and surveyed the surrounding landscape. Her soldiers weren’t wrong. Twenty Purple Hearts were scattered amongst the hills below them. Subconsciously, she noted there was one Purple Heart for each of her Primarechs.

“Kill him. Kill him now!” Sol Eater ordered. The alicorns hesitated. “DO IT!” Each of the twenty Primarechs plunged earthward, pouncing on each Purple Heart. Each Purple Heart exploded clouds of green strings and Sol Eater gave a roar of frustration. Then she spotted him. One more Purple Heart running towards the portal. The alicorn monarch scoffed. If he thought to pass through the portal, he’d be in for an unpleasant surprise.

Sol Eater’s scoff turned into a choke of surprise. Severn thick green coils erupted from the running earth pony and latched onto the archway that contained the portal. Eyes widening with fear, Sol Eater dove towards Purple Heart.

“Stop him! He intends to destroy the archway!” she cried, hurriedly calling her magic to bear. With practiced ease, her Primarechs leapt to join her and formed up behind her, lending their magic to the spell Sol Eater was crafting. As the formation plunged towards him, Purple Heart added more strings to the twelve coils. The timing had to be perfect. With 21 alicorns thundering towards him, he pushed string after string towards the portal.

He looked over his shoulder and was nearly blinded by the corona of light flaring around Sol Eater’s horn. But he saw enough. A number of strings, just enough to do what he needed, plunged out of his hooves and into the ground, coiling tightly underneath his weight. The formation was mere horse lengths away when he jolted upwards, propelled by the released tension of the coiled strings beneath him.

As one, the Primarechs and their leader gasped in surprise.

As one, they pulled up just enough to not crater into the ground.

As one, they vanished through the portal back into the Game World.

With a heave on his strings, the thick coils circling the archway erupted towards the portal and flattened into the thousands of strings that made them. Interweaving seamlessly, they sealed the portal with a dome of threads, deep enough for a pony to stand in without splattering against the newly formed wall, but small enough that only one pony could stand comfortably.

“Iris engaged,” Purple Heart gasped, “and locked.” He disconnected every string until one remained to connect him to the improvised seal on the archway. He could disconnect it later. Now however, he needed a nap. One more string clone appeared beside him, blinking silently at him in a prompting manner.

“Go inform the Colonel,” Purple Heart slurred, “move camp down here. Ima slep na-”

With a heavy thud, Purple Heart slumped against the archway and conked right out.

Chapter 52: Nevermind, We Found Some More Chapter Titles In The Back

Twilight stood silently on her balcony that overlooked Ponyville and released a small sigh of contentment. The weather was perfect today. Not too hot, not too cold; there were a few fluffy, marshmallow clouds drifting across the cerulean sky. Bird song sounded in the distance and the wind rustled gently through her mane. Truly a beautiful vista to behold.

“TWILIGHT~!”

The purple alicorn loosed a groan as the masterpiece shattered as she opened her eyes to see the ceiling of her dimly lit chambers.

“No,” she muttered, “it is too early to begin drinking… Too… early to begin drinking.”

“TWILIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

The alicorn princess rolled over and yanked her blanket over her head. “Tooo eeeeearly...”

“YOU AREN’T IN YOUR LAB SO YOU MUST BE IN BED!”

A very fake snore sounded from under the blanket.

“HELLLLOOOO~!”

Silence.

“TWI!!”

The blanket flew off and Twilight looked around blearily. “Bollocks,” she swore. “Where’s that bucking bottle?”

The door to her chambers crashed open and Starlight Glimmer marched in, banishing the magical megaphone as she strode up to the glowering Twilight.

“What?” Twilight grumbled, blinking the crusty sleep from her eyes.

“G’morning, Twilight,” chirped Starlight, ignoring the narrowing of Twilight’s eyes. “I was just-”

“I mean ‘what could you possibly want right now’?”

Starlight blinked. “Its nearly sunrise and-”

“In the morning?”

Starlight blinked again. “Yessss? I was hoping to tell you-”

“I mean, what in the name of Luna’s Mooning hindquarters could you want right now?” growled Twilight.

Starlight resisted the urge to bolt away and leave Twilight to her grumpy mood, but held firm. “Twilight, I need you to dig deep. It wasn’t a dream. You really are the Princess of Friendship.”

Twilight glared as she rolled out of bed onto her hooves. “I hope you’ve come to tell me something important,” she said testily.

Starlight frowned, glancing at the clock on the wall by the window. “How long have you been asleep?”

“Not long enough.” Twilight shuffled past the unicorn to her vanity and set to righting her mane from its encounter with her pillow. “Went to sleep at about four o’clock last night.” She looked at the clock in the mirror. She squinted, trying to force her still sleep-addled brain to properly decipher the clock’s reflection. After a moment, she gave up. “What time is it now?”

“...Seven...”

“In the morning?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t suppose I could convince you to leave for another hour or two.”

“No and stop trying to stealthily charge your horn. I have my shields up and you taught me that trick too, now get up and get ready to face Celestia’s bright new day.”

“I think you mean Discord’s Never Ending Bag of Horrible Surprises,” Twilight muttered into her pillow. She gave it one last apology hug before throwing the covers off herself and shivering at the relatively colder feeling air.

“So, what fire do we want to stomp out first today?” she asked, taking the offered cup of coffee from Starlight into her own magical embrace. She held it just under her nose for a minute or two.

“Actually, we’re starting with news of three fires already being put out for us for a change.” Starlight said with a weary grin on her face. Twilight immediately perked up.

“It’s good to hear my friends have had some successes,” Twilight said, her spirits buoyed by the news. “Let me guess: Applejack, Rarity and either Pinkie or Rainbow decided to finally take matters into their own hooves?”

“Other friends.”

“Minnetue, Lyra, and Moondancer?” Twilight guessed again.

“A little warmer in one part, but colder in the other two.”

“That, uh... that stallion who likes jelly too much, the waiter at the cafe I eat lunch at every third Thursday, and the one mare in the play whose mane I really like?”

Starlight’s face went into a disappointed frown.

“Twilight, do you even know any of their names?”

“Yes,” Twilight said defensively, trying to not draw the yes out too much while still drawing it out to stall for names. “Jelly Belly, Waits Staff, and, uh... Miss Mane?” Twilight sighed and took a long sip of her coffee. “Okay, I couldn’t think of any other friends right now. It’s too early and I’m too tired for these games. So just tell me.”

“Wits End, Purple Heart, and Light Patch,” Starlight deadpanned.

“Ah, that explains it. I have them on the ‘Debatably Friends’ list right now,” Twilight explained.

“It’s not entirely their fault, but fair. Anyway, which one do you wanna hear first?”

“None of them, but since you won’t let that be an option, let's go with the order you’ve received them in. At least I can hear that Spike is fine that way.”

“Surprisingly, you’re gonna have to wait for the second report, because somehow Light Patch’s report got to us first.”

“Considering he’d been sending almost daily reports, I guess that isn’t too surprising.”

“True. Anyway, it seems like it’s mostly good news from his end. Holdfast’s plan to gridlock and remove all confidence in Blueblood worked flawlessly.” Twilight cheered a little at that.

“With Blueblood off the throne and P.I.S.S. on the cutting room floor, maybe the Elements of Harmony can finally get things done again.”

“Ah-bout that... Holdfast didn’t really go along with dismantling P.I.S.S.”

Twilight’s good mood vanished like an unclaimed danish around Pinkie Pie. “And here I was thinking that getting out of bed wouldn’t be so bad. What do you mean, ‘he didn’t go along with it’?”

Starlight sighed. “Sometimes it’s obvious that you’ve never taken over a political power. Alright, short version. Since you’ve abstained from taking any kind of ruling role, the only two things keeping Equestria working are the Senate and P.I.S.S., and one of those is filled with so many conflicting parties that nothing can get done. Until a new regent can be elected, Holdfast got P.I.S.S. to oversee the things Blueblood left undone, like, I don’t know, the Alicorn Invasion and the Bandit War.”

“...Just because it makes sense doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Oh, for the love of Celestia’s hindquarters… He’s on your side, Twilight! Have you even read the edicts coming from P.I.S.S.?”

“Have you been reading my mail?”

“Not important. Holdfast’s votes on the council have been to direct the Elements into protecting Equestria; the thing you’ve always said you wanted the Elements to do! The rest of the council has him outnumbered, and that’s where you get things like ‘Don’t raise a hoof without signing in triplicate’ come from.”

Twilight blinked. “Huh.”

“Honestly, with how quickly you forgive other villains, you’d think you’d be more accepting of a guy who was never a villain in the first place.”

“Alright, alright! I’ll lay off him until he tries a power grab.” Twilight sipped her coffee. “Who’s next? Is it Spike?”

“You mean Wits?” Starlight asked.

“I mean Spike, but Wits is there too.”

“Man, you’re just full of sass today.” Starlight sighed. “Yes, Spike sent a letter after Wits and his group went silent. They were able to round up the bandits with minimal damage or injuries.”

“Minimal damage doesn’t exactly sound like Wits’ style,” Twilight grumbled.

“Apparently your brother helped out.” After a moment, Starlight chuckled. “Which, by the way, he had some questions about why Wits was able to perfectly match your, and I quote, ‘overtly loquacious and esoteric verbiage’.”

“Cadence definitely helped him with those words,” Twilight deadpanned. “So everything’s alright in the north?”

Starlight nodded. “Your friend Moondancer, along with Rogue Squadron, will be staying in the Crystal Empire temporarily to figure out how to keep the Orb of Glacious out of anypony else’s hooves. Wits, Spike, and the rest of the 597th are on their way back to Ponyville.”

“Great,” Twilight grumbled into her coffee, “just what I need. Dozens of alicorns drinking every drop of alcohol in my castle.”

“You should switch to decaf. I think the coffee is making you irritable.”

“I was irritable before this whole mess, and until it’s solved, I’m going to keep being irritable,” Twilight retorted. “Out of spite if I have to.” She gave Starlight a look over the rim of her mug. “And the last one?”

“What last one?”

“Purple Heart.”

“Oh, him.” Starlight humed, cocking her head to one side. “Nothing from him yet that I can recall.”

Twilight lowered her mug, letting out an explosive sigh. “Well, I should have expected at least one of them to screw up.”

Starlight frowned. “That’s a little pessimistic,” she noted.

Twilight shrugged. “‘Plans rarely survive first contact with the enemy’ is what I’m sure he would say,” she said. “Painful as it is to admit it, the purple bugger is smart in his own, sassy little way. I’m sure he can think of something.” She paused in taking another sip. “Although, coming to his rescue would feel particularly delicious...” She slurped at her coffee, only to groan softly when none of the bitter beverage hit her tongue.

“Then what do you propose we do?” Starlight asked.

“Moar coffee.” Twilight soared away, flapping through the corridors to the kitchen. Starlight groaned and went after her.

“Coffee won’t fix all your problems!” she called as she made pursuit.

“You can’t stop me from trying!” Twilight rebutted. “Most governments run on coffee.”

“Thank goodness ours didn’t,” Starlight mumbled. When she caught up with the purple alicorn in the kitchen, the mare in question was staring at the coffee maker in silence as it worked.

With a sigh, Starlight tried to pull Twilight away. “We have more things to discuss,” she urged. “The coffee will be here when we get back.”

“You can’t prove that,” Twilight retorted, eyes glued to the carafe.

“You’re right, I can’t,” snapped Starlight. “But watching it won’t make it go faster.”

“What if I time travelled to the future to get it when it's done?” Twilight proposed. “Or to the past where I’m already drinking it?”

Starlight couldn’t help letting her jaw hang open as she stared at the focused mare.

“There are… so many ethical and moral reasons I could list,” the unicorn muttered, “for why you shouldn’t TIME TRAVEL TO GET YOUR COFFEE FIX!”

The echo of Starlight’s shout echoed for only a second when it was violently overshadowed by a thundering at the front door. Both mares snapped their heads around to stare at the corridor. The thundering had barely finished echoing when it began anew, harsher and with much more urgency than before.

“Either someone is using a high-speed battering ram on your front door,” Starlight commented, “or something heavy wants your attention.”

Twilight looked from the corridor to the carafe and back several times and eventually locked her gaze on the corridor leading to the entrance hall.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFINE.” She turned from the coffee maker with a great deal of effort and made her way out of the kitchen to the front hall.

A few seconds later, Twilight threw the main door to her castle wide open. “What could possibly be so important that you have to announce yourself like a trumpeting eleph- Oh.”

An elephant, in full dress uniform, looked down the impressive length of his trunk at the relatively diminutive princess. “If I may speak freely, ma’am, you would be surprised how often I receive that exact comment and reaction.”

“Sorry,” Twilight took to the air, hovering in front of the pachyderm’s face. “I just wasn’t expecting an elephant at my front door.”

“In my experience, ma’am, ponies rarely are. May I come in?”

Twilight resisted the temptation to ask if they could fit, and instead made a sweeping gesture as she hovered out of the way. “I assume you’ve come from helping Purple Heart with the alicorns?”

“You would be quite correct, ma’am.” The elephant entered, after carefully wiping each foot on the entirety of the welcome mat one at a time. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Horton of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army, under Colonel Hathi.”

“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said, shaking the offered trunk, “of… here. I’m afraid my title isn’t as impressive as yours.”

“Worry not, ma’am. I was well briefed about your many accomplishments.” Captain Horton nodded once. “Anyways, reporting in. Mister Purple Heart’s plan to return the alicorn task force rampaging behind our lines was a success. When I left, the combined might of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade and Mister Heart’s own Armoured Legion had successfully installed a ‘plug’ in the portal through which the alicorns were sent.”

Starlight arched an eyebrow at the phrasing of the elephant’s report. “A plug?” she asked.

Horton’s stalwart posture softened slightly and he furrowed his brow. “Ehm… yes… Mister Heart created a bulwark of interwoven material created by himself to cover the surface of the portal to prevent the arrival of any intruders.”

“He put an aperture over the portal?” Twilight asked.

Horton’s frown deepened. “I suppose?” He shook his head. “To be brief, Mister Purple Heart successfully lured the enemy task force in a merry chase and tricked them into going through the portal, after which he blockaded it. He then ordered the encampment moved to guard the portal before, quite frankly, passing out. Fortunately, he is recovering quickly and should be back on his hooves even as we speak.” He nodded definitively. “End of report. Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

“I don’t suppose you happen to have brought some coffee with you, or know some secret recipe to make coffee in just seconds.” Twilight asked hopefully.

“Hah, if we elephants had that knowledge the princesses would have likely renamed Equestria to Elephanestria in our honor for having shared it.” The elephant snorted through his trunk, disturbing Owlicious who’d chosen to sleep in that room. “Ah, did either of you happen to hear a Who just now?”

“No, but I do happen to have a pet owl,” Twilight replied with a shrug.

“That's probably it. Battle tends to leave the ears ringing for a while afterwards.” The elephant seemed to think for a moment. “Well, if there’s nothing else I should get back to my unit.” The pachyderm dipped his head and turned to begin making his way back through the town.

“You know, he’s able to take those corners surprisingly sharp for the speed he’s going.” Starlight remarked as she watched the elephant depart.

“You don’t think he was lying and is actually holding out on the secret of good instant coffee, do you?” Twilight asked.

“Not everything in the world revolves around coffee,” Starlight replied.

“If it’s after three and before nine in the morning, then yes, it does,” Twilight sniffed, turning back to head towards the active coffee machine.

“Oh, come on, Twilight! That the colts were successful in stomping out the three larger fires has to mean something to you!”

“It means this will probably only be a two cup morning rather than a four.”

“You're just mad they cleaned up the three messes you and your friends couldn’t,” Starlight tried to lightly tease.

“You mean the messes that they created and made us unable to touch!” Twilight retorted.

“Surely cleaning up their own messes, in a roundabout way, has to count for a little credit for them. I mean, I almost brought about Equestria’s doom in a Neopolitan sampler of flavors. And you’ve forgiven me. Mostly... I still don’t see why you won’t let me use tuning forks in the castle.”

“Because if I tell you why, you’ll just want to do it for yourself, and you're less irritating to deal with long term than those three can be. Aside from the whole ‘Trixie as your best friend’ thing.” Twilight poured herself a new cup of coffee, ignoring the eye roll from Starlight.

“Lighten up, Twilight. We’re finally at the ‘Beginning of the End’ or whatever one of those three would say.”

“Yeah... I guess we are... I hate to say it, but I should send letters to have those three meet back here as soon as they can. I feel like the longer we leave them twisting in the wind on their own, the more likely some fourth incident is gonna appear.” Twilight sighed into her fresh cup of coffee, savouring the warmth, smell, and taste.

“Yeah, I can’t really argue with that. I’ll go scratch out a first draft of those ‘get your flanks back here’ letters. After I've finished my cup,” Starlight decided, finally earning a smile from Twilight, short lived as it was.

“Maybe I’m just getting too used to dealing with disasters, but do you think we’re forgetting something?”

“I don’t think so. It’s probably just that Who whispering doubts into your ears. Another cup of coffee will probably wash it away,” Starlight suggested flippantly.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. If I spend all my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’ll never notice the first one being whanged at me.” Twilight went cross eyed for a moment as what she’d said registered. “Why does that sound like something they’d say, and why did I say it?”

“Because it totally sounds like something one of them would say. Maybe once the last ‘i’ is dotted and the last ‘t’ crossed, you should sit down with some of the classics again. Clear their stuff from your head some.”

Chapter 53: Dudes... Where's Our Car?

Twilight sighed. “I hate to say it-”

“Because it’s true?” Purple Heart asked innocently. Twilight shot him a glare and his smile widened.

“I hate to say it because I don’t believe it’s true. But... I guess you three actually did a fairly good job, for once,” she admitted.

“Yeah! I figured you’d be on mop duty for at least another month!” Pinkie said, spinning in her chair.

“I just hope the history books don’t short change us on the chapters,” Wits muttered.

“Oh please. With how close Twilight is to just banishing us to the moon, we’ll probably get an entire side book of just Twilight ranting about us even if we aren’t directly responsible for some things,” Light Patch muttered quietly to his two friends.

“What was that dear?” Rarity asked with a look suggesting that if she wasn’t out of range, she’d have likely kicked the stallion.

“Just saying we’ll probably get at least a chapter each. We’re hard to summarize,” Light Patch quickly supplied, nudging his friends to get them nodding.

Applejack hummed. “I’m actually surprised y’all were able to wrap it up so fast-”

“I’m just happy we got to sit around and let somepony else clean up,” Rainbow Dash interrupted cheerfully, laying across the arms of her throne.

“-without y’all making things an even larger mess,” the orange mare finished with a light glare sent towards the lounging pegasus.

“Yeah, well... that’s teamwork between friends and junk like that, right?” Light Patch stated with a shrug, “Something, something ‘friends like these, who needs enemies?’ I’m sure there’s a perfect friendship report in there somewhere.” Spike hummed thoughtfully.

“We haven’t done friendship reports for a while. how do you three know about them?” the dragon asked, causing Fluttershy to squeak and hide under her throne.

“Ah, yes. I’d forgotten we’re popular figures of fiction in their world,” Rarity mused as she stood up to try to coax Fluttershy out from hiding.

“Oh yeah,” Spike muttered, starting to lean back before bolting upright again. “Wait! If that’s the case, then why didn’t you warn us about Time Travel Cataclysm over here?” Spike jerked a thumb to point over his shoulder at Starlight before quickly turning to her. “No offence.”

“None taken, Spike. You do have a point,” Starlight sighed.

Wits End shrugged. “Those events haven’t happened in the show yet.”

“Oh,” Spike slumped back into his seat, “that's...” he trailed off, looking for the proper word.

“Pedestrian?” Starlight prompted, “Simple?”

“Boring?” Fluttershy offered, having finally come out from under her chair.

“Yeah. I guess I was just hoping for some deep argument about trying to preserve the time line or something.”

Wits End scoffed. “We’re already aliens from another universe interfering with the natural order of events in at least two other universes. I think the Temporal Prime Directive has been broken enough.”

With a cough, Sunset raised a hoof. “Uh, hang on. Can we go back to that part where you girls are fictional characters in their world? I thought you three boys were just from another parallel dimension, like Equestria and the High School universes.”

“I mean, technically you’re not wrong,” Wits muttered. “It’s just that our dimension is a little less parallel than yours.”

“So... a perpendicular dimension?” Spike asked.

“Is that a thing?” Wits shared a look with the other two colts. “Let’s make that a thing. We’re from a perpendicular dimension where your adventures are children’s stories. And also merchandise. A whole lot of merchandise.” He paused. “Also, some people get really angry about some of those stories for some reason?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “They get angry about bedtime stories?”

“...Yousa mighten be saying that.”

“We’re getting away from my point here,” Sunset cut in, her irritation helping to cover the growing sense of existential dread. “You mean I’m from, like… comic books? TV shows?”

“Technically,” Wits mused, “you didn’t exist until a spin-off movie.”

“I WASN’T EVEN MAINLINE CANON?!”

“Take it easy, Sunset,” Twilight deadpanned.

“Actually, she does kinda have a point,” Spike chimed in as the three colts nodded along.

“I don’t know if that’s better or worse.” Sunset moaned, sighing heavily. “On the one hand, less spying on my life. But on the other hand, spinoff movie sequel.”

“Sequels actually,” Light Patch chimed in. “There’s been like three of them and some shorts. It’s basically almost a full on spinoff series at this point.”

“It’s worse,” Sunset concluded.

“Did we get a comic book series?” Spike asked eagerly.

“A fairly successful one from what I’ve heard,” Purple Heart replied.

“Cool.”

“Maybe we should write a Friendship Letter, for old time’s sake!” Fluttershy cheered. She immediately shrunk back. “I mean, it seemed like a good idea, since everypony’s in a good mood and all...”

“No, it’s a great idea,” Wits said. “Spike, write this down. Dear Princess Celestia.” The mint-colored stallion started pacing as Spike wrote his words on a spare piece of paper. “Today I learned that, when invading a monarchy that relies on less than a dozen extremely powerful mares to protect the entire country, don’t just invade from one spot. Spread your forces out around the entire country so that there’s always an overwhelming number of locations that can’t be protected.”

“I thought your lesson was ‘don’t invade the country of your friends’,” Twilight shot back.

Wits paused mid-step. “That was lesson two.”

“And anything about taking care of bandits?”

“Lessons 23 through 28.”

“Have you been planning this joke for a while?”

“I had a lot of time on the flight back from the Crystal Empire on Alicorn Airlines.”

“It’s a really dumb joke.”

“Your face is a dumb joke.”

“That didn’t even make sense!”

“And neither does your face!”

The reparte was interrupted by a snort from Applejack. “It’s like when y'all were back in Discord’s game,” she chuckled. “Always fightin’ ‘bout nothin’. And y’all wonder why folks thought ya were flirtin’.”

“SHUT.” The two formerly arguing ponies turned on the farmpony in sync.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Twilight snarled.

“It’s just a joke about Friendship Lessons,” Wits grumbled. “Do you really think I’m gonna send that to the Princess? I’d rather publish my memoirs from when Sol Eater had me stuck in a cage, and in a dress.”

Twilight paused. “Hang on. What was that last part?”

Wits was silent. “In a dress?”

“No no, before that.”

“Friendship lessons?”

“After that.”

“...In a cage?”

“The Princess,” Twilight said. “Has anypony…” She trailed off, then dashed to a filing cabinet, flinging drawers open and filing through the contents.

Wits leaned over to Spike, who was tearing up the letter with the hopes that doing so would give him back the time it took to write it. “What’s in the cabinet?”

“Letters,” Spike replied. “Twilight’s saved every letter from her friends and mentors since she got to Ponyville.”

“They all fit in a filing cabinet?”

Spike shrugged. “Magic.”

“Ah.”

Twilight suddenly stood straight, staring into a distance that was obscured by the wall. “Guys, this… this is really bad news.”

The three colts all shared a look.

“Oh, Twilight.”

“There is just ‘news’.”

“There’s no good or bad.”

“Where are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“That is bad news,” the trio of colts chorused.

Chapter 54: Did You Forget Where We Parked the Popemobile Again?!

“You know,” Rainbow Dash said, “I’d’ve thought that losing two Princesses would be a national emergency or something.”

“It is a national emergency, Dash,” Twilight said flatly. “The only reason we’re not announcing it to the world is because Equestria’s government is fragile enough as it is. We need to handle this quickly and quietly.”

“Or?”

“Or Equestria descends into chaos, and we have to glue it back together piece by piece before the Princesses get back.”

Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. “That sounds more like you broke a family heirloom than a country.”

“Just tell me if anypony in Cloudsdale saw them, would you?”

“Fine. The answer’s no. Cloudsdale’s been on high alert ever since the Alicorns marched towards them, and they haven’t seen any Alicorns. Not even the Wonderbolts have seen them, and they’ve been searching from the air for any leftover invaders.”

Twilight frowned. “Great… That rules out the sky. Anypony else find anything?” She turned to Light Patch. “This would be a really, REALLY good time for your powers to kick in.”

“Since I got back from my search area, Spike and I have tried everything he could think of to have them kick off. Even Pinkie helped, despite not being done herself.” Light Patch shifted the ice pack he was holding to his head. “I even let Spike try percussive maintenance just on the off chance. All I have left is teleport and that only seems to be good for places I’ve been.”

“I had to swing hard! It’s not like they get lightly tapped on the head and suddenly they can shoot lasers that can blow up planets!” Spike protested loudly, making the injured stallion flinch.

“It’s fine. Just not so loud.”

“And you're sure you checked the Crystal Empire? And Frozen North?” Twilight clarified.

“No! I even teleported up to the train station and asked a couple of tall lanky janitors; one was a white pegasus with pastel hair and a top hat at a beyond jaunty angle and the other a unicorn in a really puffy uniform that kept shifting. But neither of them could have been the princesses because they had moustaches.” Light winced and shifted his ice pack again.

“Do you need a fresh ice pack?” Fluttershy asked timidly. Light waved her off.

“I promise, Twilight. I did my checking, and I got your brother, sister-in-law,
Moon Dancer, and Winter Sun to help. After they were all done chewing me out, of course. If the princesses are up north, they’re in the Freakin’ Cold and I’m not going there alone. Definitely not while my ears are still ringing and I’m seeing triple.” Nodding his head definitively, the grey pegasus lay his head on the table with a low groan.

“Hngh,” groaned Twilight, head falling back limply. “Where could they be...” She stiffened, mechanically turning her head to where Purple Heart sat slumped over his corner of the table.

“You...” she whispered. “YOU! PURPLE HEART!”

The purple earth pony jerked in surprise, limbs windmilling wildly as he fought against gravity to stay in his seat. Righting himself with no small amount of effort, he slammed his forelegs on the table as his chest swelled and shrunk with his panicked breathing.

“WHAZZAT?!” he cried, eyes wide as he quickly searched for the source of hostile intent.

“YOU!” Twilight repeated, centering Purple Heart’s manic gaze on herself. “WHERE DID YOU TELL CELESTIA AND LUNA TO GO?” Before Purple Heart could react, Twilight yelped as she ducked an ice pack chucked in her general direction. She turned to the pegasus glaring at her from under his forelegs and gave him an apologetic look.

“Sorry,” she said, magicking the ice pack back to him before Fluttershy could grab it. The moment the ice had returned to Light Patch, she whirled on Purple Heart again and in a harsh but quieter tone demanded, “Where did you drive them off to?”

Purple Heart blinked rapidly, trying to parse out the alicorn’s question. “What’d I do?” he asked plaintively. “I don’t remember doing anything to Celestia or Luna. Unless, of course, you’re referring to that bogus peace talks request I forged.”

“AHA~!” cried Twilight, dexterously ducking the ice pack and passing it back promptly with her magic. “So you admit the request was your doing!”

“...yes? Is that a trick question or something?”

“Wait, so that was you?” Spike asked, having finally realized what Twilight was on about. “That pony named Men Tanto something or other.”

Wits frowned, turning to the purpled earth pony curiously. “The Lone Ranger? Seriously?”

“Nah. Mentaanto,” replied the colt in question. “Tolkien Elvish for ‘message giver’.”

The pinto unicorn’s eyes narrowed. “You tried to pull a Sauron on a princess?” The two colts stared at each other for a moment. “Sneaksy Hobbitses.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“I’m going to ignore the giant reference in the room and just move on,” Twilight sighed. “I know the message you sent asked for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to arbitrate a peace talks between the Thestrals and the Deerkin. Did that actually happen or was it some kind of trap?”

“Trap, a hundred percent,” replied Purple Heart.

Twilight groaned. “Why am I not surprised?”

“You’ve known us for, what, several months now?” came Light’s muffled voice from behind his forelegs. “I’d be worried if you were surprised at this point.”

Twilight swung around to glare at the ice-packed pegasus. “What do you call the last few weeks of anarchy and madness you three have caused then if not surprising?”

“Unsolicited possession and insomniatic panic.”

“...Point.” She looked back at Purple Heart. “Now, where are Celestia and Luna?”

Purple Heart blinked again. “I unno.” He jerked a hoof at Wits. “He was the one with the trapping force. I just set it up.”

“Hey, don’t look at me.” Wits shook his head. “I sent Sol Eater and a frack-ton of Alicorns after them, and my forces came back with their tails between their legs. Wherever they went after the trap, they did it without anyone on my side knowing it.”

Rainbow Dash whistled. “Maybe P.I.S.S. should be directing the Princesses instead of the Elements. They whooped your flanks pretty hard, huh?”

“In retrospect, that might have been where Sol Eater first realized I wasn’t fighting the war to win it.” Wits sighed. “Look, I put the Thestrals on search mode, but they haven’t seen hide nor hair of the Princesses. I’d send the 597th to sweep the countryside, but that sounds like a good way to cause a national panic and get ponies thinking I flipped sides again.”

“If it comes to it,” Twilight said, “I’ll vouch for you.”

“For my innocence, right?”

Twilight turned to the rest of the mares in the room. “Did you find anything?”

“We ain’t exactly got the contacts y'all got,” Applejack said with a shake of her head. “If I went round askin’ the farmin’ folks I know if they’ve seen the Princesses, they’d think somethin’ was wrong.”

“And you reaaaaaally don’t want me asking around!” Pinkie proclaimed. “Anything anypony says in Sugarcube Corner reaches all of Equestria as fast as a flan can collapse!”

Rarity sighed. “As much as I hate to admit it, rumors are a dangerous thing in my circles as well. Plus, these sorts of things tend to reach the ears of the entitled elite rather quickly…”

Twilight sighed back. “Great. Any chance the animals heard anything, Fluttershy?”

“Um, it’s not like they can communicate over long distances…” Fluttershy muttered. “Unless they’re whales, but we don’t have any whales in Equestria. I asked some birds to spread the word, but it’ll take a while for the message to get out, and then we’ll have to wait for it to get back…”

“So that’s a no,” Twilight said.

“... Pretty much, yes.”

“Terrific.” Twilight started pacing. “So between the nine of us, we’ve ruled out Cloudsdale, the Crystal Empire, most of the sky, a fair chunk of the darkest places in Equestria, and maybe the Ponyville pet shop. We’re gonna have to expand the search.”

“Are there any other continents or big islands to check?” Light muttered from the cave he’d assembled for his head on the table.

“Oh, right. The rest of the world,” Twilight realized, tapping one hoof on top of the other. “It comes up so little I sometimes forget about it.”

“I think I remember hearing from Blueblood back during the Gala that the royal family maintains a sizable vacation place on one of the larger islands near Seabiscuit,” Rarity supplied helpfully.

“Somehow I doubt that the Princesses would be hiding someplace well known,” Wits pointed out. “Where’s the very last place we’d expect to find them?”

“Maybe they’re in this very room?” Pinkie Pie pondered.

“Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. “If one of the princesses was already in this room, don’t you think we’d know it?”

Pinkie tilted her head. “But there’s already two princesses in here. What if there’s four?”

“What two princesses?”

“Twilight and Minty!”

No-pony was sure where Wits End got the full glass of water, but they certainly noticed when he spat the contents across the room. “I’M NOT A PRINCESS!” the stallion exclaimed. “THAT WAS ONE TIME!” Everypony was silent and stared at Wits, surprised at the outburst for a moment before the silence was broken by the scrape of one of the thrones across the floor. This brought all of the focus on the now very irate looking pegasus who’d stood up from the table.

“Y'all have fun with the search. I’m gonna go find somewhere quiet to die for an hour or two,” Light Patch muttered before quietly, but aggressively, trudging to the door to the map room. He paused, hoof on the door handle, and turned back to look at Spike. “You owe me, Spike. In a few minutes after I’m well out of earshot, I need you to slam this door shut for me.”

The moment Light Patch turned the door handle, the door swung open. There was a sound not unlike a dog’s chew toy being hit with a large brick as Light Patch disappeared between the door and the wall. Jargon, on the other hand, stood in the doorway completely nonplussed. “Am I interrupting, sir?”

Twilight frowned. “I thought I said that you and the rest of the alicorn’s should stay out of my castle.”

“Twilight, please,” Rarity sniffed. “I’m afraid I just don’t understand your recent antagonism towards-” She sniffed the air again, ner muzzle wrinkling. “What in the name of Celestia is that?!”

Purple Heart’s eyes bugged out as he clamped his hooves over his mouth and nose. “OH! I get the reference now!” he squawked squeakily, cutting a glare at Wits’ unflappable frown. “Bucking Cain and Jurgen!”

There were a few muffled questions before, one by one, each of the assembled ponies went limp on the floor. The two ponies still standing looked about at the nine unconscious mares, stallions, and dragon.

“Jargon,” Wits said plainly. “You remember what I said about entering enclosed rooms, don’t you?”

“Apologies, sir,” Jargon sniffed. “I did bathe earlier.”

“How much earlier?”

The hornless alicorn’s face screwed up in thought as he began counting on his hooves.

“Never mind,” Wits cut in. “You’re just lucky I’m used to the smell by now. You do realize you took out Patchy with the door, though, right?”

Jargon let the door go, and the eponymous pegasus slumped to the ground. “I thought the door was rusty.”

Wits sighed. “Just give me your report, then go outside. I’ll try and open some windows or something.”

The alicorn nodded. “You asked Miss Iron Maiden if any of the 597th had seen a pair of alicorns from this world.”

“Yes, I was there for that. What about it?”

Jargon reached into a saddleback and produced a sheaf of papers. “These are the records of everypony who went through the portal.”

Wits blinked. “You’re gonna have to work on your transitions, Jargon. What do your last two statements have to do with each other?”

“Sir,” Jargon said, passing the papers over.

“...Fine.” A pair of summoned hands took the sheaf and brought it closer to Wits. “Yes yes, dates and official stamps. We don’t need this anymore. This is… two alicorns returning to the Bastion of the Night. Okay, but why?”

“The descriptions, sir.”

“Descriptions? Who, for Mareiadoc Brandybuck and Ponygrin Took? A cream-colored mare with pastel rainbow hair and a smaller dark blue mare with hair reminiscent of space? What’s so special about-” Wits paused, rereading the page from the beginning. “Jargon, is it possible that you’ve discovered a sense of humor since the last time we spoke?”

“Unlikely, sir,” Jargon sniffed.

Wits gave a long-suffering sigh. “Alright, go tell Iron Maiden to help open up some windows. I’ll stay here and let our friends know that the Princesses are in another castle. Quite literally, in fact.” He paused. “Just as soon as they wake up, of course.”

“Very good, sir.” Jargon gave what could charitably be called a salute and turned, brushing past Light Patch’s limp body as he exited.

The moment the door closed a groan erupted from Light Patch. “Did anyone happen to get the edition of the immovable rod that hit me?” he asked.

Chapter 55: Are We There Yet?

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 57: The Long Awaited Goodbyes.

Twilight’s face was a harsh scowl as she bashed out of the conference room and strode swiftly down the corridor back to the throne room. The door swung shut on abused hinges only to open as Sunset departed quickly after her friend. Once more the door swung closed and once more it opened. This time, Bael held the door open for Purple Heart and the pair slowly meandered their way after the two mares.

“I’m surprised you accepted Twilight’s proposal without much fuss,” the purple earth pony commented, glancing up at the bipedal being. “I would’ve pushed for a few more benefits and vacation days.”

“Unless, you’ve forgotten,” Bael chuckled, “Twilight hates you much more than she hates me. You pushing for anything close to the deal I got would be hard fought in the first place. Besides, I quite like the position I’ve landed for myself. Granted, it's a little restrictive in some cases, but the pros definitely outweigh the cons. I won’t have anyone bothering me unless they manage to find me.”

“Fair enough,” conceded Purple Heart.

“I am curious though,” Bael mused, “do you normally go out of your way to share your logical conclusions?”

Shaking his head as they turned a corner, Purple pulled up short, wincing under Twilight’s less than welcoming glare. Bael easily stopped, eyeing the purple colt expectantly.

“No.”

“Then why start now?” Twilight asked testily. She turned, coming abreast with Sunset. “Hurry up. I don’t want to keep all the Princesses waiting.”

Purple Heart and Bael wisely remained silent as they followed the two mares down the corridor and into the throne room. The four alicorn princesses were sitting around a table playing cards. Luna slid a few small confections into the center, prompting Penumbra and Sol Eater to flip their cards over. Celestia ruminated on her hand for a moment then slid a few cookies forward, looked up from her cards and smiled at Twilight..

“Ah, Twilight,” greeted Celestia. “I take it your conversation went well?”

Twilight ground her teeth loudly. “No. But we’ve reached an… agreement regarding Bael. He’s agreed to be on retainer as a mentor and trainer of future protectors of Equestria. In return, he will reside on the Spine Islands in the Celestial Sea.”

“What’s so special about the Spine Islands?” asked Sol Eater.

“In all Equestria’s history, no pony has ever conquered the Spine Islands,” Luna answered, showing her cards. Celestia pouted and flipped her hand over, leading Luna to rake in her winnings.

“Why?” Sol Eater asked.

“Dragons, probably. And they’ve got fire.”

“ANYWAY,” Twilight raised her voice, “Bael will be out of the way and occupied. Nothing from anyone else yet?”

“You’re the first to return,” Luna said, shuffling the cards to deal another round. “We sent your friends to get some refreshments.”

“What kind of refreshments?” Wits asked from the door.

Amber gave the stallion a royal shove out of the doorway. “Hopefully something strong.”

Wits straightened up just in time for Discord to bump him over. “I think it went well,” he purred. “No entities died, and we all grew as individuals.”

“I might die,” Wits said from his place on the floor.

“You’ll be fine.” Holdfast picked him up with magic and set him on his hooves. “Besides, if you do die, I’m sure somepony would be able to resurrect you.”

“I don’t want to experience being re-zero’d,” Wits muttered. “And I’m not sure how I feel about you being nice to me.”

Holdfast gave the stallion a shove. “Neither do I,” he said with a smile.

Wits shuddered. “Where’s Patchy and his harem?” he asked.

As if being summoned, the door opened and in strode the three errant Just Duty’s (Just’s Duty?), as well as Light Patch; all four taking measured steps. Holdfast turned to look at the three versions of Just Duty striding towards the table, before he cast a sharp eye towards Discord. “Did you happen to secretly make me drunk? Or are there three of them now?”

“Only one of them is technically my fault,” Discord replied with a shrug, before tilting his head to observe the four newcomers closer.

“Great,” Holdfast mused. “Just what we need: three older-than-dirt paladins.”

“Technically not a paladin.” Officer Duty replied as he took a seat.

Wits raised an eyebrow. “Did you four… have a good time?”

“About as good as a time you can have discussing the ghosts of the past, even if said past is barely a full moon ago,” Just Duty answered with a shrug.

“As well as whatever other conversations naturally come up when the drink loosens the tongue,” Paladin Just replied with a pleased looking smile. “A bit longer and we might have found the meaning of life, or something as equally deep and important.”

“It’s forty-two actually,” Light Patch cut in.

“What is?”

“The meaning of life; it’s forty-two,” Light Patch replied, plopping into his chair. “In any case, if there were any lingering bad feelings, I think we’ve sorted them out. Or at least found the path to travel to deal with them in due time.” The grey pegasus finished, earning nods from the three Just Duty’s present.

“It’s probably a little late to be asking,” Officer Duty asked, looking at the various royals and unsure exactly who’s castle he was in, “but are there going to be snacks provided during this meeting? Or should I have had lunch before?”

As if to answer the stallion's question, a side door of the throne room opened and was held by Rainbow Dash as Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Applejack entered, laden with enough confections and snacks to reduce the value of all sweets at the poker table. Rainbow blinked at Twilight’s surly expression as the door swung closed behind her. “What’s up with you?”

“From the look of it,” Light guessed, “I’d say Purps used his Free Action on her.”

“Huh?”

“‘Piss off Twilight’.”

“Oh. Yeh, that makes sense.” Rainbow replied, dropping into her seat while Twilight grumbled under her breath and the fresh food was deposited across the table.

“Well then,” Celestia said, after everyone present had a chance to fill a plate or two, “now that we have all assembled and had a chance to deal with some lingering feelings, I think it’s time we discuss the major reason that my sister and I came to meet with Princess Amber.”

“Yes, I’m curious to hear what the four of you have been discussing in my absence,” Sol Eater said, pointedly looking between her sister, Amber, and the near doppelgangers to her and her sister.

Discord nodded from his place behind the assembly. “Even I’m curious, and it takes quite a lot for something to hook me. Not just any old worm on a hook will do! Oh no, it needs at least five of them in various mariachi clothes.”

“We find it amusing that simple speech was able to so effectively capture the interest of a being of chaos such as thee,” Penumbra said, a smirk on her face.

“Well, it’s not every day that-”.

“Get on with it!” the three colts shouted; or some variation of it.

Luna began. “Princess Amber and Princess Penumbra have agreed with my sister and I that, in order to promote peace and to keep further incidents from spiraling out of control as they just recently have-”

“We should merge this world with yours,” Princess Amber finished, looking at most of the ponies present, a smile growing as she saw the various reactions slowly growing on the faces present. Her eyes specifically drew towards Holdfast and Wits End; the former grumbled as he pulled out his coin pouch while the latter seemed struck dumb.

“A bet is a bet,” Holdfast said, holding a few coins out towards Wits End. “What they agreed on was more surprising than a simple peace treaty.” After a moment of no reaction, Holdfast lightly smacked the mint unicorn with the coinage.

“I mean, I was expecting to be surprised, but... not this much.” Wits finally mumbled, accepting the coins.

“Something wrong with your eyes, Discord?” Pinkie asked, looking at the draconequus who had one of his paws clamped firmly over his face and eyes.

“Yes, I was so surprised I was a little worried they were going to pop out.” Discord peeked out from under one paw. “And I feel like this moment deserves a little more decorum than me chasing them around the room while Twilight uses her magic to swat them like they were ping pong balls.”

“Things are rarely simple with the three of you involved, are they?” Just Duty asked, looking at Light Patch and only getting a halfhearted shrug in return.

“If things were easy,” Wits said, “we wouldn’t do it.”

“So how does this work?” Holdfast asked. “This… merging of worlds. Is it similar to the plot that Hydra was trying?”

Twilight shook her head. “Not quite. There’s an artifact in my world called the Crystal Mirror that allows ponies to move between Equestria and another world. Now ordinarily it would take decades of work to create such an artifact but…” She shot a look at Wits.

“But you had a master of the bodge to cheat it,” Wits finished. “You’ll want to figure out how to take Projekt out of it for the long term.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Projekt?”

“My pet Displacer Beast. She’s gonna need a break.” Wits paused. “Actually, I should take her back to her mother.”

“You should,” Fluttershy muttered.

“We can make that happen,” Twilight. “There’s other methods for trans-dimensional dislocation.”

“Yes,” Wits said, “but none as cute.”

Holdfast stroked his chin. “So it would be a simple doorway? That seems… too easy.”

“Three words,” Light replied, waving his fore hooves like a magician. “Multiple dimensions origami.”

“He’s not wrong,” Wits muttered.

“Here’s a dumb thought,” Purple Heart called from where he lay on the floor beside Bael. “Why not make the portal permanent?”

“...and how do you propose we sustain such a spell?” asked Sunset.

“Well, if the idea of sacrificing scores of unicorns a day to power it doesn’t appeal to you-”

“EXCUSE YOU?!”

“-why not wire it up to a volcano or some geothermal vent? Or install a metric buttload of windmills in the mountains?”

“...I cannot believe that I am even considering that...”

Purple Heart shrugged awkwardly. “If its stupid it but it works...”

“Its still stupid, but I’ll hate that it works,” retorted Twilight.

“You hate it when we suggest something that you didn’t think of,” Wits pointed out.

“I don’t usually think of stupid solutions to problems.”

“Yes, because that’s our job,” replied Light.

* * *

“Ah, I think I see what is wrong. Let me just...” Discord reached over and doodled a duck into the margins of the equation. In response, Twilight looked up and let out a scream of frustration.

“If you don’t stop messing with all of my equations, I will throw you out and figure all of this out myself!” She used her magic to snatch an eraser from under a stack of discarded parchment and moved to erase the duck, only for it to suddenly become a duck with a snap of one of Discord’s paws.

“Twilight my dear, I am at the most serious I have ever been.” Discord replied before tapping on Twilight’s horn. “If you forget to integrate the distracting force of a duck, this is going to cause a feedback loop and your little portals become the largest charged particle lasers the universes will ever see. Don’t forget, half of this portal is going to be in a world that is drenched in chaos magic, if it wasn’t even created by it.”

“What do you mean ‘wasn’t created by it’? I thought you created it for your little ‘game’?”

“So did I, but... Well, I’m never really sure if I’m actually making or replacing or swapping or summoning things most of the time.” Discord finished with a shrug, before doodling a chicken into the margins of one of the equations.

“Huh,” Twilight replied, a thoughtful look on her face as she mentally noted to look into the creation myths of this world later. She looked up at the chicken and sighed. “A chicken's gliding power is integral to making sure we don’t create a wind vortex that could shear away mountains?”

“Oh no, this is a trick I learned from a math professor. Doodling a chicken into the margins to peck away your worries. It helps Fluttershy a lot when we do our taxes.”

“Chaos math,” Twilight started, impressed she didn’t hesitate too much at that term, “isn’t something one should handle without an open mind, should they?”

“It’s generally not recommended,” Discord replied.

“Can you just…” Twilight wiggled her forehooves in a vague manner. “And then this all works out?”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, sure. I could just snap my fingers and mash the two worlds together. But do you know what would happen next?”

“...Chaos?”

“Lots of chaos. That is kinda my whole deal.” Discord sighed, lounging back on a particularly comfortable space above Twilight’s head. “But if you want something more permanent and stable, you’re gonna have to do the heavy lifting.”

Twilight scribbled a few new notes. “Couldn’t we get some of the others to help with this? Like Wits or Light or… well, maybe not Purple, but you get the point.”

“Do you know what happens when you add more people into chaos math?”

“... More chaos?”

“I’d say it's exponential, but you know better than to expect logical progression in these sorts of things.”

“Fair enough, I guess,” Twilight sighed. “I don’t suppose you have any suggestions to help make this better?”

Discord tapped his chin with a claw. “What if we broke everything?”

“Discord, please.”

“No, I’m serious for once!” Discord repositioned himself so that his head was next to Twilight’s. “You see this set of equations here?”

“Yes?”

“Use this.” He handed her a hammer.

“You’re kidding me.”

“Give it a shot.”

Twilight stared at the hammer, then the paper, then Discord, then the paper. “Buck it.” She grabbed the hammer and smacked the paper where Discord had highlighted. “What was the purpose of that?”

Discord nodded, looking at the now crumbled page. “Yep, that looks about right. See how it’s folded and torn along here?’

“Yes, that happens when you hit paper with a ham-” Twilight took another look. “Wait, if you separate the equation like that, then…” She blinked. “And the fold here turned the 8 into a 0, which… How does this make so much more sense than before?”

Discord opened his mouth.

“I know,” Twilight interrupted. “Chaos math.”

“You know, I had a whole song prepared and everything.”

“I could tell.” Twilight transcribed the new set of equations, chicken and all, onto a fresh piece of paper.

“Humph, no one appreciates my musical artistry.” Discord shifted and looked at Twilight, “You know, you seem to be a bit of a natural at chaos math.”

“Every fiber of my being shudders at the thought,” Twilight replied offhoofedly as she continued to work.

“No really, I’m kind of impressed, I think the colts rubbed off on you in more than just expanding your depth of sarcasm.”

“If you think they’d be good at chaos math, then why didn’t you suggest we get them in here to help?”

“Oh, heavens no. Wits is a bit too much like you to probably fully accept he’s good at chaos math. It’s not quite logical enough, I’d guess, for him. Light Patch is probably a born natural at it and willing to go with it, but I suspect he’s also read about chaos theory. And you don’t want to mix chaos math and chaos theory. Even I’m not that crazy. And, well, you and Purple Heart in the same room seems like a source of chaos, not chaos math.”

“How about Spike?” Twilight asked, curiosity getting the better of her, as usual. “Or my other friends?”

“Spike could be good, but he’s still young and too caught up in trope theory. He’d get too caught up on trying to make it all fit some comic book trope.” Discord fell quiet as he considered the rest of Twilight's friends. “I’d say Pinkie would be a good fit, but frankly the idea of her harnessing chaos math scares even me. Applejack is right out, and the rest I don’t know.”

After a few seconds, Discord shook his head. “Well, none of that even gets into whether they SHOULD know chaos math. These are the sorts of things best left to semi-hemi-semi-demi-gods and up.”

“Good point.” Twilight set her paper down. “Fortunately, I think this will do it.”

Discord looked over the notes. “This is… surprisingly thorough for chaos math. How did you manage this?”

“Turns out I was able to learn something from Purple Heart,” Twilight said. “I emptied my mind.”

“Isn’t that kind of mean?”

“But isn’t that accurate for a barbarian?”

“I didn’t say it was inaccurate. Besides, I’m sure you meant it in a zen way.” Discord waited for Twilight to respond for a solid beat. “Twilight?”

Twilight stood up. “Let’s get this back to Amber so we can start getting ready, shall we?”

* * *

“Now, before I explain how this is all going to go down, I think we should address the elephant in the room,” Twilight said, eyeing the three colts at the other end of the table.

Purple Heart blinked, turning to share a confused look with Wits End and Light Patch. Light’s eyes narrowed as he squinted at the large purple earth pony.

“You smuggled one of the elephants in here, didn’t you?” he accused.

“No.”

“Darn. Worth a shot.”

“Forgive me,” Wits raised a hoof, ignoring the muttered ‘no’s from Sol Eater and Penumbra, “but would you be so kind as to explain what we’ve done BEFORE tearing us a new one, Twilight? Please?”

“What Twilight is trying, and failing, to say,” Discord interjected, “is that maybe we should discuss what to do with you three before casting the spell to merge the two worlds together.”

“Yes, and?” prompted Purple Heart.

“Scientifically, it would be prudent to send you three home first,” Twilight said, “then, we cast the spell so that there isn’t some astronomical off-chance of your respective magical signatures mucking about with the formula’s quadratic scripture.”

The colts blinked in unison.

“Hoodawhada?”

“Ow.”

“Is my brain leaking outta my ears?”

Twilight groaned. “It would be safer for you three if we sent you back to your own world before we try merging two separate dimensions! Understand?!”

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

“No need to shout. We’re only at the other end of this long table.”

“Is my brain leaking outta my ears?”

A corona of purple magic formed around Twilight’s horn as she glared at the three colts. “ENOUGH. BACKTALK.”

Wits sniffed loudly. “That wasn’t backtalk.” He formed a pair of hands and grabbed Purple Heart, turning the large colt around so that he was facing away from Twilight. “This is backtalk.” He flexed the hands, which in turn flexed Purple’s back while the suspended colt spoke.

“Stay a while and listen to my backstory.”

Badum-tsh.

All eyes turned to Pinkie Pie. The pink mare was seated at a drumset, drumsticks held aloft as the high hat rattled to rest.

“What?” she asked. “It's a good joke.”

“Seriously though.” Wits dropped Purple Heart off to one side. “Do you really think it’d be safer to merge dimensions without the three of us here?”

“From what I heard,” Twilight said, “the last time you three dealt with interdimensional issues, you ended up stranded in the space between dimensions.”

Wits was silent for a moment. “Alright, good point. But then what? ‘Cause unless Discord decides to run Caverns & Cutie Marks Season 2, once we go back to our world, that’s the end. We can’t come back after that.”

“What, like…” Rainbow Dash drew her forehoof across her neck.

“No,” Wits said. “I mean like ‘leave and never darken my doorstep again’.”

The room fell silent for a moment. “Ah,” Rainbow Dash said. “That kind of ‘it’. You guys go home and...”

“And never return,” Wits finished. “Future storylines notwithstanding, of course.”

“Sooooo, how is this whole ‘sending us home’ thing gonna work?” Purple Heart asked. “Do we have to click our ruby slippers together and all that jazz? Or is it something more along the lines of boarding ships to take us to Valinor?”

“Well, I figured you three would wanna say your goodbyes first,” Discord said. “Leave on a nice, sad note instead of a sour, fast one.”

“I mean, unless any of you have a better idea, I say we make this as quick and painless as possible,” Wits suggested.

“Sounds plan-like,” commented Light.

“Works for me,” Applejack said. “How do we wanna do this then?”

The ponies all looked around at each other, not one of them having any idea where to go next.

“Well, don’t everyone get too excited,” Light grumbled. “Pinkie and Fluttershy with Wits, Rainbow and Twilight with Purps, Rarity and AJ with me. Speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

“Get the old teams back together?” Wits asked. “I won’t complain.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, old teams?”

“It’s the parties we had when we first got yoinked into Discord’s game.” Wits pointed around the room. “We’d be ending the way we started off. It’s like poetry. It rhymes.”

“Are you gonna send us back to where we started off too?” Rainbow Dash asked. “‘Cause from what I heard, Wits landed in a lake.”

“It was a creek!” Wits corrected.

“Ah wonder if that crater ya made is still there.” Applejack said, looking at the pegasus with a grin forming on her face at Light’s heavy sigh.

“I’d gather it probably is,” Rarity added, a smile playing on her face. “It was a rather impressive impact he made. And where he got his first self crit.”

“Oh excellent! Maybe I’ll get to see him finish that self crit punch card off finally,” Discord said, rubbing his mismatched hands together.

“I hate to burst your bubble, Discord,” Light added in, pulling out the punch card to show it off, “but I finished that last crisis.”

“Are you serious! I put in so much effort for that and I don’t even get to see the payoff.” Discord crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, pouting.

“You dropped me into a battle with a tree and gave us a very simple puzzle,” Purple replied. “Clearly, you didn’t put as much effort into our first encounter.”

“Puh-lease.” Discord waved a paw dismissively. “I’d like to see how YOUR first dee-em foray went.”

“I can just tell you,” Purple Heart replied. “I couldn’t hit the pee-sees because SOMEONE-” he glared at Light, “-managed to get an armour class of TWENTY-ONE. And I rolled shite.”

“Hey, you let me start with the magical platemail,” Light Patch replied, “At least you didn’t have the party decide to go back and overthrow an arms dealer giant.”

Wits scoffed. “Excuse you, mister ‘what if we trip the zombie giant onto the broken mast 5 times’. Or should I bring up that time you lost a grapple to a cockroach?”

“The dice betrayed me,” Light Patch said, covering his face to hide his embarrassment as Discord and several others laughed, or at least chuckled. “A lot.”

“What about that time your rogue made two critical successes on the bandit boss through two different holes in a wall?” Purple Heart piped up. “Or that time you looked at a dead orc and said, ‘iza peeg’?” He turned to Discord. “Suffice to say, Dee-eming is a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. People like Bronco Lee Mulegan and Matt Mercolt were new to it once and certainly had their difficulties. You just gotta get back up and keep going.”

Discord blinked several times with too many eyes at the purple earth pony. “So what you’re saying is you want another campaign?”

“NO!” The chorus of voices nearly blew Discord off his feet.

“It was just a simple question,” the draconequus muttered. “In any case, are you all ready to do the exact thing you promised you wouldn’t do?”

Twilight sighed. “And what might that be?”

Discord raised a claw. “Why, split the party, of course!” He snapped his fingers, and the 9 assembled ponies vanished into the air.

“Was that truly necessary?” Penumbra asked.

“I’m gonna be completely honest,” Discord said, “I forgot you were here.”

* * *

“GODDAMMIT!” swore Purple Heart as he appeared beside two dour looking mares. “Sonuva carping piss biscuit!”

Twilight muttered several choice words under her breath as she glanced around the rather pristine garden the trio of ponies now found themselves in.

“Of the three, I’m saddled with him again,” she growled. Rainbow arched an eyebrow at the princess, concern evident on her face.

“He musta really pissed you off earlier,” she commented.

“We talked about perspective again,” Purple griped. “Par for the course if you think about our history of disagreeing.”

“You’re boorish and frustrating most of the time,” Twilight retorted. “It's easy to disagree with you.”

“Point. But you gotta admit, I’ve given you some solid life lessons.”

The purple alicorn scoffed. “On what? How to ruin a nation?”

“Exactly. Now you know what not to do in the future.”

“...”

“You gotta admit, he’s got you there.”

“I don’t have to admit anything!”

“ANYWAYS! Since Discord is, for once, feeling like a sentimental old curmudgeon, why not get this over with so that we can get out of your mane?” Purple Heart suggested.

He inhaled deeply and looked at Twilight.

“Rainbow Dash,” he said, shifting his gaze to the cyan pegasus and expertly ignoring Twilight rolling her eyes. “One athlete to another.” He lifted a hoof. “It's been fun.”

Rainbow Dash snorted and tapped a hoof against his. “The beginning was. These past few months, less so.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “It's been a weird year.”

“It's only been a few months.”

Purple Heart blinked at Twilight. “Damn, I need a nap...” With a quick shake of his head, he squared up, looking directly at Twilight.

“Listen, you and I have not always seen eye to eye-”

“I doubt we ever will.”

“-but I’ll miss our talks.” Purple Heart gave a soft, sincere grin. “If, for some inexplicable reason, you find yourself on the other side of the mirror, don’t hesitate to look us up.”

Twilight shook her head and sighed. “You boys...”

His smile spread into a devilish grin. “Or run back screaming.”

She couldn’t help it. She laughed.

“You colts are some of the most frustrating beings I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering,” she said mirthfully. “I’ve certainly learned a thing or two from you all. And despite our differing views, I might be able to find it within myself to miss you.”

The large purple earth pony snorted. “Don’t hurt yourself trying.” His wide grin and shimmering eyes belied his coarse words.

* * *

With a splash, Wits managed to keep from falling into the creek he’d landed in. “Well,” he said, “that could’ve gone worse.”

The stallion was soon forced underwater by the weight of two mares landing on his back. “Where’s Minty Fresh?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I think I know,” Fluttershy muttered. She took to the air, hovering just above the water. “Sorry about that, Wits.”

A trail of bubbles broke the surface of the water. A moment later, Wits tossed the pink party pony off his back as he stood up.

“Whoops!” Pinkie giggled. “Sorry about that, Minty!”

In response, Wits spat a mouthful of water at the hyperactive baker. “Ain’t no thing,” he said. “I guess we should say our goodby-” He was cut off by Fluttershy’s forelegs wrapped around him.

“I’ll miss you.” Fluttershy’s voice was barely a whisper. “I-I mean, after everything all nine of us went through, I’m sure everypony will miss everypony. But I-I wanted to make sure you knew that I, specifically, would miss you, specifically. Is that weird? Oh no, I said that weirdly, didn’t I? Sorry!”

“Hey, hey.” Wits patted Fluttershy on the back. “I get it. I feel the same way. After everything we went through over… however many years it’s been now, I kinda thought we’d get a victory lap or something. I wasn’t expecting a pat on the back and a boot to the head.”

“Pretty sure your victory lap was nearly taking over Equestria,” Pinkie pointed out. “Not a whole lot of ponies who can say that!”

“It’s not my fault no-one took me seriously as a threat! If ya’ll had just taken me out when I was still playing around, I wouldn’t have-” Wits cut himself off. “Why are you laughing?”

Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. “I missed listening to you rant, silly! It was nice to get one last one out of you.”

Wits smirked. “Yeah, I guess that was my defining character trait back then, huh? I’ve mellowed out in my old age.”

“Next time I see you, I’ll make you a cake you can gum without needing your dentures!”

“Sounds good. Wait.” Wits narrowed his eyes at the party pony. “Don’t you mean ‘if you see me again’?”

Pinkie leaned and elbow against Wits’s side. “Do you really think the authors will pass up the chance to pick this story up again in the future?”

“...Good point. They tried to stop, like, twice before. We’ll see how long it takes them to come back after this time.”

“Also, Fluttershy has been holding on to you this entire time.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t ruin the mood.”

Fluttershy let go of the cyan unicorn. “If you do end up coming back,” she said, “make sure you come say hi, okay?”

“You’ll be the first one I talk to.” Wits smiled. “Pinkie, I seem to have a hug slot available. You want in?”

For a moment, Pinkie hesitated. “You usually complain about not being able to breathe when I do that,” she said suspiciously.

“Hey, it’s the last time I’m gonna get to experience a Pinkie Pie hug for a long time. Give me one for the road.”

“Are you sure?”

Wits rolled his eyes and sighed. He got up on his hindlegs, holding his forehooves out towards Pinkie. “Fine, I guess you are my little Pinkchamp. Come here.”

There was a splash as Pinkie pounced on the unicorn, followed by a sound like a squeaky toy in a hydraulic press. Fluttershy winced, even looking away when the squeaking left the audible range. “That one should last for a few years…”

* * *

Two of the three ponies managed to land gracefully. The third attempted to flare his wings, as he’d come out higher in the air than the other two. Rainbow might be impressed with his stance, Rarity thought, especially for a mostly self taught pegasus. The ‘being impressed’ would have ended, however, around the time Light Patch’s landing became a disaster. She winced as his forehooves clipped a grown over rim of a crater in the dirt.

“You seem to have had a chance to finally learn to use them wings some,” Applejack said as she peered over the crater’s rim and looked down at the pegasus sprawled in the bottom.

“I had some spare time to practice a little,” Light Patch replied from his prone position at the bottom of the crater. “A couple of the Tallon griffs showed me some flight tips.”

“Yes, though I might recommend looking to another pegasus for help with the landings.” Rarity paused for a moment. “Not Rainbow or Twilight however.”

The two mares continued to peer over the edge of the crater at the unmoving pegasus. “Are ya gonna get up,” Applejack asked, “or are we gonna have to carry you around again?”

“Actually, it’s fairly comfortable down here,” Light Patched responded. These wild flowers are fairly comfortable.”

The two mares looked at each other. Then, with a shrug, Rarity tipped herself over the edge of the crater and came to rest next to the pegasus, followed shortly by Applejack once she’d gotten over her shock.

“You're right darling,” Rarity said after she’d gotten herself settled into place. “These are fairly comfortable flowers.”

“It’s a ground cover weed,” Applejack added from her position at the bottom of the crater. “Short, but a lot of leaves and springy branches. We’re jus’ lucky that these guys aren’t seeding, or we’d be itching like we’d rolled in poison ivy.”

“Guess I should be lucky I didn’t crater them on my first arrival here,” Light Patch replied before going as quiet as the other two, memories flowing over the three of them as clouds with just the right shapes hinted at various points in their journeys.

“Is it just me, or does it feel fittin’ that Discord plopped us down here to say goodbye?” Applejack asked aloud.

“It does feel like it bookends things quite nicely,” Rarity replied, earning a noise of affirmation from the pegasus with them. They lapsed into silence again.

“None of us are very good at goodbyes, are we?” Light Patch finally asked, looking at the two mares.

“I’d like to think I know how to leave gracefully,” Rarity admitted. “But this... I don’t know. It feels different.”

“It feels more permanent than most goodbyes I’ve ever had to give,” Applejack added.

“There’s a way of saying good bye from another language I like to use,” Light Patch said. “‘Hasta La Vista’, which most use as ‘bye’. But I like the more literal translation. ‘Until the next viewing of each other’, or something along those lines.”

“Do you really think we’ll be seeing each other again?” Rarity asked, looking at the pegasus.

“I’d like to think so,” Light Patch admitted. “I’d hate to think we’ll never get to see each other again.”

“You’re not planning to try that universal origami stuff you was talking about, are ya?” Applejack asked. “Cuz Twilight might break your legs before you go if you are.”

Light Patch shook his head. “Hah, no. My world doesn’t have any magic, and our tech isn’t anywhere near that complicated.”

After a moment, Rarity spoke. “You don’t think Twilight is going to use her magic to drag any of you back just because she misses the lot of you, do you?”

“Nah.” Light Patch shrugged. “I was actually hoping Discord might be willing to help us stay in touch some.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Yur planning to willingly talk to Discord and ask him to pass mail between us?”

“Actually, I was mostly thinking it’d be fun to play board games or something with him.” Light Patch paused. “And I can’t imagine what levels of awesome a round of Calvinball with Discord could achieve.”

“Honestly.” Rarity huffed, “Sometimes I’m not sure if you really are joking when you say you want to watch the world burn.” she said, earning only a shrug from the pegasus.

“Whut is Calvinball? I ain’t ever heard of that sport.” Applejack immediately regretted asking, as the pegasus off on the route of trying to explain a game whose rules are never supposed to be the same twice.

* * *

The stillness of the room was broken by small sparkles and twinkles of light starting to shimmer from the wall of mirror panels. The intensity picked up, and visible ripples of light began to race across the mirrors until, suddenly, a hole that looked like someone had spilled the insides of a kaleidoscope into a Stargate appeared.

It was about this time that a faint rushing noise was able to be heard. The hole in reality quickly opened wide, and dumped three humans onto the floor of the garage. They had departed what, for them, had been weeks, months or even years, but for the room had only been minutes.

The three sat up from the prone position they’d been dropped into, and looked around before one of them finally spoke. “Welp,” the bespectacled figure said, adjusting his glasses, “it looks like it worked.”

The shortest of the three groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “That,” he muttered, “was unpleasant. I would’ve appreciated a warning before we got thrown through 27 dimensions of space and time.”

With a groan, the largest of the trio rolled to his feet and staggered for a step or two until he’d readjusted to balancing on only two legs. “Probably Discord’s last joke before we got too far out of his reach,” he grunted. “Then again, he did pull us from here all those years ago.” He blinked. “Has it been years?”

“I have no idea,” the figure with glasses said, walking over to one of the chairs to plop down into it and start rocking. “I barely kept track of the days in the game world, and large parts of our villain saga is hazy. Days and weeks bleed together.”

“It certainly took waaaaaay longer than I expected,” the shorter one said. “Then again, I think when this whole thing started I wasn’t expecting anything. But, between the High School Never Ends dimension and the Twilight’s House of Villains arc, I think I’m ready to spend some time outside, with people who aren’t pastel-colored horses. Feel the sun on my face, breath in the air, and just socialize like normal for a bit.” He paused. “Why do I feel like I just set off a Bad End flag?”

“I’m sure it's nothing too bad,” the big one replied. “Probably just the economy ganking itself again.” He felt an involuntary shiver run down his spine. Coughing to hide his discomfort, he looked down at where his fencing gear lay against a wall. “I unno about you two, but I don’t think we should fence.”

The bespectacled figure looked down at his own gear. “Yeah, it hasn’t really played out too well for us the last two times we tried.”

“Yeah, but what if we-” The short one cut himself off. “No. No, you’re right. I’d rather not tempt fate and end up in a Finding Nemo universe.”

“Yeah, we shouldn’t fence,” The human known as Light Patch finally said, looking between the wall of mirrors and their gear.

“I’d hate to agree with you, but I think you might be right.” The human formerly known as Wits End.

“Yeah... Sushi and a movie then?” Purple Heart in human form asked. Receiving a nod from his two friends, he grinned. “Sounds planlike.”

Chapter 32: For Future Reference, This Is ‘What Could Possibly Go Wrong’

Twilight squinted and raised a hoof to cover her eyes as she and Rarity stepped onto Canterlot’s train platform. The duo had rushed to the station in Ponyville as soon as their supply of alcohol had run dry, having realized that the longer they dally, the longer things got further out of hoof.

Rarity’s cheeks bulged and Twilight couldn’t help but sympathy gag to the white mare’s predicament.

“Maybe we should have limited ourselves to a glass each,” Rarity said slowly, trying not to anger her already queasy stomach.

“That-” Twilight hurked, “-would have defeated the point of drinking in the first place.”

“True. Perhaps better heads should have prevailed.” Rarity inhaled deeply through her nose, fighting past the first steps of nausea as they walked. “Unfortunate that Fluttershy was absent.”

Twilight nodded, not feeling able to speak as she focused on putting one hoof in front of the other.

“Who’s idea again was it to leave directly after we’d finished drinking?” Rarity asked.

“Applejack,” Twilight replied stiffly. “Her concern for family members in Appleloosa most likely supersedes any interest in checking on the alleged rumor of ‘all of the alicorns’. Quite frankly, the idea of it is ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous enough to start day-drinking,” Rarity returned. The purple alicorn merely nodded in agreement. “What are we doing in Canterlot again?”

Twilight stopped, eyes going glossy for a second. “Uuuhhhhh...”

Rarity swore loudly, only to cringe as her head pounded in displeasure. “Owowowow,” she moaned. “You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?”

“Nooooo?”

“...Are you asking me or telling me, dear? My head hurts too much to hear nuances in punctuation.”

“...Telling.”

Rarity sighed. “For goodness sake! Isn’t there a spell that will get rid of this hangover?!” She winced at how loud her own voice was.

Twilight nodded slowly. “Yes, there is.”

“Well then… what is it?” The white mare looked at her companion with a prompting expression on her face.

“...I don't know.”

“...You… don’t know.”

Twilight nodded.

Rarity blinked. “How can you not know?”

Twilight shrugged and stopped walking. “Never had a reason to.”

“...How about now?”

“Now would be a good time.”

“...Indeed.”

The pair of mares stood there on the corner for several seconds, trying to fight through the haze that had suddenly settled on their brains. That haze was abruptly and thankfully banished when the words of a passerby reached them.

“I heard that Beekler Alfreeves is making a statement to the Senate today.”

“The Prince’s Butler?”

“Yeah. Apparently he was made regent. Dunno how that happened.”

Twilight and Rarity stared off into the middle distance as they digested the offhoof words with sudden clarity.

“Twi?” Rarity asked.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know where the Senate building is?”

“I do. Let’s go.”

The pair dashed down the street, making no effort to avoid their fellow pedestrians in their mad dash to the Senate. Mares and stallions alike swore after them as they ran, ignoring any and all before them.

“On a scale of one to ten,” Rarity asked as they turned a corner and saw the Senate building looming before them, “how bad is it that Blueblood’s butler became regent?”

“Depends on what he’s talking to the Senate about,” replied Twilight as she used her magic to fling the doors to the foyer open. The glass doors shattered as they struck the wall and, with a mere passing thought, Twilight repaired them as they ran past. The clerks and government workers all gaped at the two Elements of Harmony, too stunned to stop the two mares.

Another burst of magic saw the doors to the main Senate Chamber bang open. Rarity and Twilight finally stopped, breathing hard as they took in the sight before them.

“Friends, ponies, Equestrians, lend me your ears,” the regent said. “I come not to bury Blueblood, but to praise him. I was surprised, yet honoured to be confirmed as the next in line for regency should Blueblood become unable to perform his duties. It is with a heavy heart however that I tell you of Blueblood’s incapacitation.” A low murmur moved through the senate while Beekler took a moment to let his words impact his audience. “I’m sure that most, if not all, of you know this. But, it is my duty to confirm such rumours. Blueblood fell ill and was immediately prescribed a doctor’s note preventing him from accomplishing his duties as Regent.”

Beekler paused, taking a sip of water from the glass on the podium. “Not only has our leader fallen ill, we are being assailed by an army of alicorns on our western border. Already, they have deployed a vanguard spanning from the Smokey Mountains to Dodge City. It appears they only have small squadrons in each of the major cities while they consolidate their main force.”

As Beekler spoke, whispers broke out amongst the senators. By the time he finished speaking, the chamber resonated with a low rumble as the ponies’ voice rose in volume. Rarity and Twilight stared at each other.

“How did they invade so far so quickly?!” Rarity asked, surprise evident in her hushed voice.

“I don’t know!” Twilight hissed. “Equestria didn’t have a lot of military history to study!”

A senator, a pegasus from Cloudsdale, stood and splayed his wings. “I propose we take action to fortify our borders!” A number of senators voiced their agreement, but most of the chamber either remained silent or voiced dissent at the prospect of martial action. Beekler rapped a hoof on the podium for attention.

“As regent, I wish to serve our country to the best of my ability,” the earth pony stated. “I need your approval to take action against this invasion, bizarre as it is. Where did these alicorns come from? And what do they want with Equestria?” He paused, looking around the senate chamber, eyes bright with passion and fire. “I could mobilize the Royal Guard without your approval. But, I don’t want to present a divided government to the public in this stressful time. So, do I have your approval?”

Rarity and Twilight watched with bated breath as the senate sat in silence for several seconds. Then a pony stood, stating his approval. Then another stood, followed by a half dozen, followed by a score, and before long, the entire senate stood in approval of Beekler’s proposal.

Madam Speaker Top Class stepped onto the dais. “Regent Beekler Alfreeves, We the Senate agree to allow you the power to impose martial action until such a time as the threat to Equestria has abated.” Beekler sighed and nodded.

“My thanks,” Beekler replied. “It is with great reluctance that I agree to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Senate.” He paused, looking up at where Twilight and Rarity stood for the first time since they entered. “The power you give me, I will lay down when this crisis is abated. And with this new authority, I will empower the Royal Guard to counter this sudden and irrational invasion of our country.”

The senators broke into raucous applause. Rarity and Twilight watched on, stunned at the positive response to the new Regent’s declaration of intent. Beekler raised a hoof and the senate slowly quieted, eager to listen to his next words.

“I take my leave,” he said. “I will appoint a liaison to inform you of all troop movements over the course of this campaign.”

Beekler stepped down off the dias and walked up to where Rarity and Twilight stood. He inclined his head to both mares as he passed.

“Princess,” he greeted.

“Regent Alfreeves,” Twilight said, stepping out of the senate chamber with him. Rarity followed, closing the doors behind them.

Beekler turned. “Is there something I can do for you, Princess?”

“Yes,” Twilight said. “You can tell me why you pushed for the Royal Guard to be mobilized. The Elements of Harmony are quite capable of addressing the matter of the alicorns.”

Beekler arched an eyebrow. “I was under the impression that the operations of the Elements of Harmony fell under the purview of the Panel of International Situation Solutions.” Twilight bristled and she opened her mouth to retort, but Beekler spoke again.

“I do not doubt the ability of the Elements,” he said. “However, I’m not convinced of their capability to deal with an army. In the past, you have excelled in dealing with singular adversaries. But respectfully, I suggest leaving the armies to those with the experience and capability to do so.”

Rarity stepped forward. “Are you saying you don’t trust the Elements to handle the situation properly?”

Beekler shook his head. “Hardly,” he said dismissively. “I believe the time has passed for the Elements to be useful in regards to the current matter. If the alicorns had not developed a salient deep into our territory, I would have no qualms sending you and your compatriots to establish diplomatic relations. Unfortunately, that moment has come and gone before we even knew it existed.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to convince Casus Belli to come out of retirement, recall Belisaddelus from the East, and find where Ibericolt Mayham got stationed. I’ll need their expertise in this matter.”

“One last question before you go,” Twilight said. “What caused Blueblood to fall ill? Do you know anything of what might have happened?”

Beekler shrugged, sighing heavily. “It’s hard for me to say precisely what could have affected him in such a malignant manner,” the regent replied. “He was working awfully hard the last few days talking to advisors and meeting with the governmental department heads. Maybe the stress got to him in a hurry and his body decided an immediate shutdown was required.”

“That certainly sounds like Blueblood,” Rarity muttered to Twilight. Twilight’s eyes widened and she glanced at Beekler. The colt didn’t react to the fashionista’s assessment of Blueblood and merely spoke again.

“I believe the culmination of his mounting stress combined with the news of the Alicorn Incursion is what shook him so badly he went comatose.” Beekler shook his head and sighed. “I worry for that colt. If he doesn’t take care of himself, he’ll never get better.”

“Could we be allowed to see him? Maybe I can give my own diagnosis?” Twilight suggested. Beekler’s body stiffened imperceptibly and he stood tall before the two mares. The pair couldn’t help but gulp minutely as Beekler towered before them.

“I’m afraid I cannot allow such an appointment,” he rumbled authoritatively. “I can assure you, the greatest minds Canterlot has to offer have already provided a diagnosis. He needs rest and to get away from the political intrigue of the capital for a while. We can only hope that he can overcome his illness quickly.”

Beekler inclined his head to the Rarity and Twilight again. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be going. I have a severe timetable to follow.”

He turned then, leaving the pair alone in the corridor as he strode swiftly away.

“Twilight?” Rarity asked after a few seconds of silence. “What do we do now?”

The purple alicorn glared at the Regent’s retreating back. “We sneak into the castle and find out just what’s wrong with Blueblood,” she decided. “And we need to dig up some information on this Beekler Alfreeves. Strange colts have been popping up recently and I have the impression that Purple Heart is involved somehow...”

“You think that Purple Heart is conscripting ponies to be his eyes and ears for whatever plan he has in the works?” Rarity asked.

“At this point, I’m just throwing theories at the wall hoping one will stick,” Twilight huffed. “If only we could track down where Beekler came from...” The two fell silent, pondering what little they knew of the new regent.

Rarity’s brow creased with a frown and she looked down the hall. “Do you think the receptionist still has Baelhart’s address on file?” she asked.

Twilight blinked. “Huh?”

Rarity sighed. “I’m not sure what we can do to get information on Beekler, so I figure the next best thing is to look into other colts that have popped up remarkably recently. Like the ex-senator Baelhart, for instance.”

“Or even Purple Patches, the producer for that Errant Drapes Company in Snohomare. Remember Local Purple Heart mentioned he recognized Wits End in a conjured portal?” Twilight said.

Rarity squinted into space. “Did that happen? It feels like an awfully long time ago...”

Twilight rolled her eyes and walked off down the hall towards the reception desk. “We should check on Blueblood first. Come on, Rarity,” she urged. “Time is of the essence.” Rarity rolled her eyes and trotted after the princess.

“Somehow, I don’t think we’ll be in time,” she muttered.

* * *

“Then Cadance was like ‘I know you got here, but could you two please explore ahead of Shiny and the Guard? I’m really worried, and you two have more experience with Light Patch. I mean he seemed nice enough the few times he popped in, but now we've got reports that both bandit groups are quietly pulling in their allies. I know a guide who might be able to help you two.’” Pinkie rambled, hopping through the snow and matching the footprints of the ice blue crystal pony leading them.

“Then we met up with you and started this trek,” Rainbow finished with a roll of her eyes.

“Right! Though you kinda rushed that last bit, Dashie. You didn’t even mention the important stuff, like how you had three scones, Cadance had one, and I ate like twelve. Maybe thirteen. I think I had two at once. Maybe three, I wasn’t paying attention.” Pinkie shrugged, “So Winter, how did you end up here?”

“Well, to explain that story, we have to go back to the beginning. It was the third of the month at midnight when I was born-” The ice blue mare giggled at Rainbow’s sigh and defeated look. “It’s more because I used to live not too much farther along this path with my family and our farm. Bandits raided it recently, but thanks to a heroic stallion we were all able to get away safely. I was in the Crystal Empire trying to find some work when I heard the call for guides, so I signed up immediately.”

“Wait, you mean that was your farm?” Pinkie said, freezing mid-air with a freezing noise. “Rarity and I found Light Patch there! He’d probably be happy to know you guys are mostly okay!”

“I’m happy to know he’s okay,” the mare, Winter Sun, said with a smile. “Last we saw of him was him buying us the time to get away.”

“Speaking of getting away: why are we taking this little rocky trail? We'd be at Glacier Host by now if we took the main trails.” Rainbow looked at her map as she hovered alongside the others.

“This is the trail my family used to use. I'm hoping the smaller nature of the trail means the bandits won't patrol it, so we can get to Glacier Host without trouble. Plus, I’m hoping that maybe there's food or something we can recover from my family's farm and…” Winter Sun trailed off, hesitant to finish.

“Hoping a couple of things you had to leave behind might still be salvageable?” Rainbow asked, just before Pinkie could start talking. Winter Sun looked surprised, but never got to ask as Pinkie grabbed Rainbow’s face.

“Have you seeeeen it too?” Pinkie asked breathlessly. “The Space Between? The Missed Second? The Hall of Tess Ting? The Line Between?”

“No,” Rainbow replied as she failed to pry Pinkie off, only for the party pony to simply let go. “I knew because I built my own cloud house while learning how to build a cloud house. So, more than once I had to see what was left when it broke or the floor dissipated.”

“There are a couple of small things I was hoping might still be intact,” Winter Sun admitted sheepishly.

“We’ll help you see what can be found,” Rainbow assured her. “Anyway, how much farther do we need to go before we reach the farm?” She looked down, noticing that the ravine was getting narrower.

“We’re almost out of the ravine, then things should be getting easier. It’ll open to a large plain…” Winter Sun trailed off as she scaled up a short wall that marked the end of the ravine. “I wonder if it’s still doing okay. I hope the bandits didn’t mess with it....”

“If what’s okay?” Rainbow asked as she flew up to stand next to Winter Sun.

“What? What? You can’t leave me hanging like that!” Pinkie asked, trying to scale the wall with reckless speed. “Wait, are you talking about that flower that Rarity and I... saw?” She stopped next to the other two as they looked out over a field of flowers. “Wha- But how? The flower was dying when Rarity and I found it.”

“Not dying.” Winter Sun said, walking towards the largest one in the center. “Seeding, actually. Winter Fire is what they're called. Well, it’s what the locals called them from the stories. Back before Sombra, these flowers used to grow in vast fields, with green grass and other flowers growing around them.”

“How are they- Why is it so warm around them?” Rainbow asked, waving her hoof around near one of the flowers.

“They give off heat, and the warmer it is the bigger they can grow,” Winter Sun replied as she stopped near the one towering over the others in the center of the field. Her eyes closed as she enjoyed the warmth. “I was surprised when I found this flower. They disappeared when the Crystal Empire vanished. Most figured they needed the Crystal Heart, so it was thought they were all dead because none returned with the Empire. I wondered if they just went into some kind of dormant state. I was going to move them closer to home-” Her breath hitched. Pinkie hurried over and wrapped her up in a hug. “...To study,” Winter Sun finally finished.

“I’m sure that Light Patch will be happy to help you and your family rebuild,” Rainbow said, unsure what else to say. “I’d probably have a little time to chip in too,”

“Thanks, but he seemed a bit scrawny to be much help raising a new house,” Winter Sun laughed, wiping away the tears once free.

“No, but he could probably intimidate the bandits into helping out,” Pinkie chimed.

“Hah! I’d like to see that. He didn’t seem like he could intimidate a wet paper bag.”

“You’d think that, but I’ve heard that you have to hear him talk about the importance of fitting villains in fiction,” Pinkie chirped.

“Where’d you hear about that?” Rainbow asked.

“Chatting with Sunset while she was in Equestria.” Pinkie looked at Rainbow with a questioning look, “What about you? Where did you hear it?”

“Rarity, Perfect Profit, and I ended up hearing about it while leaving the Arachcolsid kingdom.”

“Aracholsid kingdom?” Winter Sun asked.

“That's a long story we’ll probably want to save for the next leg of our journey,” Rainbow replied with a shrug.

“We are close to my family's farm... Or what's left of it.” Winter Sun finished with a frown as she looked over the field. She gestured for Rainbow and Pinkie to follow as she led them through the field of flowers. Eventually the field gave way to snow, which itself gave way in the form of a ridge Winter Sun led them up. At the top, they were able to look down into a crater-like depression in the hills, where the charred skeleton of a building sat surrounded by some mostly intact smaller buildings, and fields filled with a mix of intact and pulped plant matter.

Pinkie stepped next to Winter Sun and put a comforting hoof on her shoulder. “I mean, the house is gone,” the Crystal Pony said, swallowing hard. “But the rest looks like just some minor repairs. And the fields sprouted! They’re small, but next year's harvest should be doable without having to buy too many more seeds.”

“So what are you looking for?” Pinkie asked, scanning the area. “Rainbow and I can search for it, while you see what food and other supplies would be worth taking with us.”

“It was a small plush toy,” Winter Sun said, walking with confidence down a trail she’d walked so often before. “One of my siblings was playing with her favorite outside when she first spotted the bandits. She rushed to tell everyone about them, but lost track of where she’d dropped it.”

Pinkie hummed in thought as she put her sleuthing hat on. “Was there any place she’d often play where she might have seen the bandits from?”

“I never heard where they first came from, but she likes to play away from the house towards the outer buildings. I’ll check the two closer to the farmland, if you two will take the ones closer to the valley entrance.” Winter sun led the group down to the bottom of the hill and farm. Before they could split up though, Pinkie gasped.

“Everypony wait!” the party pony exclaimed. “Look, those hoof marks look fresh! …ish.” Rainbow Dash and Winter Sun looked over at the tracks.

“You don’t suppose your family came to look for things, huh?” Rainbow guessed.

“I’m the first one to leave the Crystal Empire since we went there,” Winter Sun said, looking at the tracks still barely visible under the fresh layers of snow.

“Do you think it’s the bandits?” Rainbow said, perking up as she looked around. “Maybe they’re still in the area? We should be careful in case we have to fight.”

“I don’t know Dashie,” Pinkie chimed in, staring closely following one of the tracks. “I don’t see the bandits patrolling out this far. At least not when they’re focusing on the dig site.”

“Wish I’d paid more attention to my dad when he was trying to teach me how to track in the snow,” Winter Sun muttered as she tried to remember.

“What do you guys have to track up here?” Rainbow asked.

“A few dangerous animals, bandits, and the lost,” Winter Sun replied offhandedly.

“Oooh, what are the lost?” Pinkie asked. “Are they some kind of ice zomponies? Are they a cryptid that turns others they capture into them? Do you become them if you’re lost in the forest for too long?”

“I think she meant looking for ponies that got lost in the snow,” Rainbow deadpanned.

Winter Sun ignored their comments for the moment. “I think these tracks might be the freshest... My best guess might be a couple of weeks to... maybe a month old, depending on exactly how much snow recently came down in this area.”

“I guess this means we’re probably not going to find a lot of useful supplies,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Once we find that stuffed toy, you think we oughta get going?”

“Well, I’m still holding out a little hope that those tracks are leading to some food storage. Most of the useful stuff would have been in the sheds around on the other side of the house.”

“Hey Winter!” Pinkie shouted, waving a hoof to get her attention. “Was whatever was hanging here something we wanted?” she asked, pointing at a spot on one of the barns, where the difference in the wood showed something had been hanging on the wall.

Winter Sun gasped when she saw the area Pinkie was pointing at. With a speed Rainbow was impressed by, she'd galloped over and frantically dug around in the snow under the spot. After a few moments, she’d finally stopped and slumped, staring at the empty patch on the wall.

“Uh...” Rainbow Dash hovered over. “You okay there?”

“Why would any pony take it?” Winter Sun asked a different question.

“Take what?”

“It was a really simple wooden carving one of our ancestors made. It was just a simple tree. It wasn’t worth stealing, and I know the bandits didn’t smash it or there’d be bits of it in the snow.”

“And you're sure none of your family came and retrieved it or took it with them when you left?”

“Very. If any of my family had gotten it, they would have grabbed a bunch of other things and told everypony when they got back. Not kept it a secret.”

“So the question is... who’s taken your family heirloom? ...Or multiple who’s?” Pinkie said, noticing something about the house. “I think there’s been more than one pony here. Those three sets of tracks leading into the house all look... different.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “So some ponies have been here since your family fled, and taken at least one-”

“Two,” Winter Sun interrupted, pointing out where she noticed other objects missing. “No, three.”

“...Taken several family heirlooms and left,” Rainbow corrected herself, “but don’t seem to have gone anywhere that might have stuff you’d actually want to take, or would be worth bits to take.”

“Maybe I’m thinking a little too positively about this,” Pinkie said cautiously before looking towards Winter Sun, “but it sounds to me like they’re doing it to protect stuff they think is important to your family. Your family doesn’t have any friends who live nearby and know you were driven out, do you?”

“None who aren’t in one of the towns controlled by the bandits,” Winter Sun said with a sigh. “These tracks are way too recent to have been them. And this set of heirlooms is way too big for any of them.”

“It also looks like somepony repaired the house slightly; at least enough to get to the basement,” Winter Sun added, looking through one of the walls into the burnt farmhouse.

“Three different sets of tracks, one of which easily belongs to a pony as large as Big Mac…” Rainbow met Pinkie’s gaze. “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

“You think that Light Patch was using this as a base, and had gathered his friends here?” Pinkie guessed aloud.

“But... why not use a location closer to the towns?” Rainbow said, voicing aloud the same thought they all shared. Many potential answers circulated through their minds, but none seemed fitting. They didn't arrive at any consensus either, as the snow began to fall at this point. So, they hurried at gathering up what supplies they could and, after a quick meal in one of the sheds, set out again.

Winter Sun paused at the valley's entrance and turned to look at the farmhouse, and the bare place on the shed's wall where the carving had sat. Pinkie quietly placed a hoof on Winter Sun’s shoulder and, after a few seconds, the mare shook herself and turned to face the next leg of their journey.

“Well,” her voice cracked for a moment before she cleared her throat. “If we go now, we can probably reach the nearest town by sunset.” The mare used her inspection of the shadows, or lack thereof, to also wipe a tear or two away before it could freeze solid.

“Well then, let's get going!” Pinkie declared.

“By sundown?” Rainbow’s head shot up as she checked the position of the sun. “It’s noon! How far are we walking?”

“‘Til sundown, if we don’t dawdle,” Pinkie chimed in helpfully, pronking in place.

“It’d be a good time for long stories,” Winter Sun replied.

“Oooh, we have a long story to tell!” Pinkie cheered before looking at Rainbow Dash. “Do you mind if I start this story?”

“Go ahead,” Rainbow replied with a shrug. “It doesn’t get too interesting until the first couple of fights anyway. But let's make this a moving production.” She gestured for Winter to start them off.

“Right! Well, this story all begins when three eldritch beings decided to work together in shaping a small piece of time and space to suit their own whims. But then one of them said ‘but what if more?’”

* * *

The rolling hills of central Equestria gave way to the plains of the Southern territories, scrublands speeding past outside the train window. Fluttershy swallowed hard, looking away from the land flying by. “Are you sure we should-”

“‘Shy.” Applejack cut her off, her tone flat. “Ya ain’t gotta come with me, but Ah’m goin’ to Applelossa and seein’ to my family.” The farmpony looked stressed, in that way that only somepony trying their hardest to look unconcerned could. “Ah appreciate ya’ll bein’ worried, but please don’t try to stop me here.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just…” She looked out the window again, trying to see ahead further down the rails. “Should we be taking the train? I mean, won’t whoever took over Appleloosa know we’re coming?”

“We’re the Elements of Harmony, ain’t we?” Applejack shrugged. “If they’re friendly, we ask’m politely to leave.”

“And, um, if they’re not friendly?”

“We ask’m in a much less polite way to leave.”

Fluttershy gulped, starting to wish she had drank some of the cider Twilight had offered earlier. “Do you think they’re really alicorns? The ponies in Appleloosa, I mean.”

“If ya’ll asked me that a few months ago, Ah’d’ve said ‘ain’t no way’.” With a shrug, Applejack sighed and slumped in her seat. “Now? Ah’m just as libel to say ‘yes’ as Ah am to say ‘it’s a trick of Discord’s’.” She straightened up a bit and adjusted her hat. “But if it’s alicorns, Ah wanna know where they’re comin’ from, an’ what they plan on doin’.”

“Maybe they’re friendly?”

Applejack gave the pegasus a deadpan stare.

“I mean,” Fluttershy tried to recover quickly, “they let Braeburn go, didn’t they? Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding?”

“They did let my cousin go…” Applejack frowned. “Far as Ah know, th’ rest of my folks’re still in Appleloosa. Ah can’t imagine Brae abandonin’ th’ rest of th’ Apple family just to tell me what the hoohaw’s all about.” She grunted in irritation. “If they ain’t friendly, then this’s th’ strangest invasion of Equestria since Discord.” After a moment, a thought crossed her mind. “Where’s Discord, anyway? He’d be mighty useful what with th’ weirdness goin’ on.”

Now it was Fluttershy’s turn to frown. “...I haven’t heard from Discord since he said goodbye after the, um… play business. He said he’d be… over the hills and far away? And he swore he would return one day? I get the feeling he was making a reference to something that I didn’t understand.”

“That sounds like Discord, alright.” Applejack paused. After a few seconds, she spoke slowly. “‘Shy?”

“Yes?”

“Is th’ train slowin’ down?”

Both ponies opened the window just in time to hear the telltale call of the train’s whistle announcing an unexpected stop. “We can’t be at Appleloosa yet, right?” Fluttershy asked.

“It’s still an hour away,” Applejack muttered, leaning out the window and peering in either direction. When she turned towards the front of the train, she froze. “Oh hayseeds and apple maggots.”

“What?” Fluttershy jumped as the farmpony swung herself back into her seat. “What is it?”

Applejack slammed the window shut. “Alicorns. Half a dozen, Ah reckon. Wearin’ armor and armed with swords.” She ducked down in her seat as the other train passengers started muttering. “Still think they’re friendly?”

“Maybe they’re friendship swords,” Fluttershy muttered.

“For once, Ah hope ya’ll’re right ‘bout that.” The door to their car slid open, and several ponies gasped. Both Applejack and Fluttershy carefully peeked around the seats at the newcomers.

“Everypony, please!” A trio of armored alicorns had entered the car, with one staying by the door while a second strode across to the other exit. The remaining alicorn, the one who had spoken, esqued the helmet of her companions in favor of a peaked cap. She stood in such a way that the feathers of one wing brushed against the hilt of the shortsword at her side, making it clear that she was in charge. “If I may have everypony’s attention, please!”

As if on cue, the two other alicorns stomped their hooves as they came to attention. That was enough to silence the rest of the ponies. “Now,” the leader said, clasping her wings behind her back. “First of all, please allow me to introduce myself.” She gave a tight, disciplined bow to the passengers without taking her eyes off them. “My name is Iron Maiden, lieutenant of the Diarch Strike Forces. Secondly, please allow me to welcome you.”

In one smooth motion, Iron Maiden straightened and tucked her cap under one wing, revealing an undercut mane and short horn. “As some of you may know,” she said as she began to pace down the center of the car, “as of a few days ago, the Diarch Strike Forces have seized and liberated a number of territories. These include the townships known as Tall Tale, Los Pegasus, Dodge City, and…” she paused next to where Fluttershy and Applejack were seated for a full beat, “your current destination of Appleloosa.

“Now, we of the Diarch Strike Forces do not intend to cause any undue panic, chaos, or distress amongst you.” She gave a strangely genuine and soft smile, which was equal parts reassuring and unnerving to the two Elements of Harmony. “So please, remain calm. We have a few questions we would like to ask you, and then you will be on your way back to the last available stop.”

“Back?” An older stallion stood, in spite of the whispered pleas from his companions. “What’d you mean, back? What about goin’ down to Appleloosa? I paid good money for these tickets!” He brandished a hoof-full of tickets at the alicorn as if presenting garlic to a Batpony.

Iron Maiden maintained her smile in the face of the stallion. “Then I recommend you request a refund when you arrive at your previous stop, sir. While we are allowing some ponies to leave our liberated territories as a show of good faith, we are not accepting entry quite yet.” Her smile turned hard for the briefest of moments, just enough to make the stallion back down. “Please have a seat, sir.” As the stallion staggered back into his seat, Iron Maiden turned to face the rest of the passengers. “We would greatly appreciate your cooperation in this time of change. You have my word as a loyal servant of the Diarchy that, so long we all remain civil, no-pony shall come to any harm by alicorn hooves.”

With that, Iron Maiden turned to Applejack and Fluttershy, still with the same soft, real smile on her face. “May I sit down?”

Applejack and Fluttershy shared a glance, each one trying their best to look like they weren’t panicking. Eventually, Applejack tilted her head down by a few degrees. “Take a seat,” she said flatly.

“Much appreciated.” Iron Maiden slid onto the bench next to Fluttershy. With a quick glow from her horn, the alicorn’s sword belt came undone and floated onto the table between them; sheath, sword, and all. “You Equestrians put so many carriages together. I’ve given that speech a dozen times since we arrived.” She turned her smile on Applejack. “How did I do? Do you feel more friendly and cooperative than when we first entered?”

Applejack stared back for a good few seconds. “Ain’t nopony freakin’ out,” she said slowly. “Ah’d say that’s a point in ya’ll’s favor.”

“Ah, excellent!” The alicorn seemed to relax a bit, setting her cap on the table next to the sword. “It took me quite some time to augment the speech provided by the Princess’s Strategician to this state. The first time was…” She shuttered, armor rattling with the motion. “Less successful.”

“Did anypony get…” Fluttershy squeaked as Iron Maiden turned towards her. “...hurt?”

“Hurt? Goddesses, no!” Iron Maiden placed a forehoof over her heart in surprise. “We’re not bandits, little one; we’re liberators! What would be the point of liberating ponies from their current tyrants if we were just going to be tyrannical ourselves?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “An’ how exactly did ya’ll ‘seize an’ liberate’ Appleloosa, then?”

“With diplomacy!” Iron Maiden shot the farmpony a smile. “After we explained that their liberation was inevitable, the citizens of Appleloosa were more than willing to accept the Diarchy’s protection.” Her smile faltered for a moment as she thought. “Although, it did take some time to explain that our Diarchy is different than the one they were following previously. A strange coincidence to be sure.” She gasped, her cheeks turning a shade of pink. “Where are my manners? I have yet to even ask your names!”

The two Elements of Harmony shared another glance. “Mare-Do-Well,” Applejack said, grasping at the only other name she’d been called that wasn’t apple-related.

“Angel Bunny!” Fluttershy blurted.

Iron Maiden grinned. “A pleasure to meet both of you, Lady Well and Lady Bunny! Fear not; I never forget a name once spoken.” She grasped both ponies by the forehoof and shook them vigorously. “I do hope that once all of this liberation business is resolved, we will be able to engage in friendly activities like having tea and watching gladiatorial fights!” She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial tone. “I always wanted to do that back in the Bastion of the Night.”

“Not to put th’ cart before th’ pony,” Applejack cut in, “but do y'all mind if Ah ask ya a silly question?”

“There’s no such thing as a silly question,” Iron Maiden proclaimed. “Only silly ponies who ask questions.” She paused, looking as embarrassed as an alicorn in full armor could do. “Sorry,” she muttered. “Something my father used to say. Please, ask your question.”

“Well, uh…” Applejack scratched the back of her head under her hat. “We got ‘bout 4 alicorns in all’ve Equestria, an’ ya’ll’ve got 3 in this here train car alone. So, uh… Where’d ya’ll come from?”

“Oh!” Iron Maiden perked back up. “That is thanks to the Strategician! He came to our Princesses with a magical artifact that allowed us to cross the heavens to this greenest of pastures.” She glanced out the window at the scrubland that stretched out to the horizon. “Metaphorically speaking, that is. I imagine that the green parts are more to the north. Similar to… Ah…” She tapped her chin with a forehoof. “What was that queendom named again? Roania?”

Fluttershy’s eyebrows shot up into her mane. “You’re from Discord’s-” She cut herself off before she could call it a ‘game’. Things were starting to fall into place for the meek pegasus.

Iron Maiden turned towards her. “You know of that Serpent of Chaos? How far does that abominable creature’s reach go?” She snorted through flared nostrils. “We must do something about that once the liberation is final. Do you know of his whereabouts?” The alicorn placed her hoof on the hilt of her sword, almost without thinking about it.

Fluttershy gulped. “Haven’t the foggiest.”

“Hmm, well that is likely for the best.” Iron Maiden paused as one of the fully armored alicorns leaned down to her and whispered something. “Ah, it seems we are finished here.” She stood, picking up her cap and belt in one smooth motion. “My apologies, small ones, but I must depart and prepare for any more of your carriages that come this way. Your drivers have been informed to take you back the way you came.”

“Wait!” Applejack leapt to her hooves, prompting the two alicorn guards to bristle. “What about th’ ponies in Appleloosa? What ‘bout my-” She caught the word ‘family’ in her throat just in time. “My friends, the Apple Family? Ah gotta see them! Braeburn said-”

“I assure you, Lady Well,” Iron Maiden said calmly, “no-ponies have been harmed in the slightest. Under certain circumstances, some ponies have been released into Equestria to spread word of our peaceful intentions.” She bowed her head. “I hope that you two will do the same. Please let your friends and family know that they should prepare to welcome the Second Alicorn Diarchy with open hooves quite soon.”

“Why?” Fluttershy squeaked. “What’s going to happen?”

Iron Maiden gave the pegasus a gentle smile. “Why, Lady Bunny, what else? The second wave is coming.” She turned to the rest of the car and raised her voice. “I must extend my sincere congratulations to all of you. Soon, you shall all be liberated. Please, good ponies, do not resist.”

Chapter 56: So Long and Thanks For All the Fish (Say Goodnight, Gracie) [Exit Stage Left] {And Once Again, the World is Spinning in Greased Grooves}

“I don’t suppose you’ve given this any thought, have you?” Purple Heart asked as they walked into their designated conference chamber. He quirked his brow at the gold plaque on the door, nearly missing Twilight’s response in favor of glaring at ‘A113’ engraved in the plate. Twilight rolled her eyes and cuffed the back of his head. The purple earth pony looked at her.

“Huh?”

“Given what any thought?” she repeated.

“What to do about Bael,” replied Purple. He slid one of the chairs placed at the long conference table out and sprawled into it, tucking his forelegs behind his head. “Honestly, I haven’t really given him much thought since you managed to separate us. I was too busy worrying about outsmarting these so that I didn’t get curb stomped by EvilAU!Celestia.” He waved his forehooves airily, eyeing the cuffs with obvious disgust. Twilight ignored the small display of drama and calmly slid into a seat of her own across from him.

“I hardly consider Sol Eater to be the evil version of Celestia,” Twilight said. “Daybreaker is a better portrayal of a Celestia with inverse motives.”

Purple Heart blinked. “Who?”

Twilight blinked. “You don’t know who Daybreaker is?”

“Besides her being your fanon evil Celestia, no,” he answered.

Twilight scowled. “Daybreaker isn’t ‘fanon’, whatever that means. She was a manifested fear of Starlight’s when she went to help Princess Celestia and Princess Luna with a Friendship Trial. The ‘Dark’ version of Celestia, if you will, if Celestia and Luna’s roles were reversed.”

Purple Heart hummed as he leaned back in his seat. “Getting real Dark Soulsian Berserk vibes from that. Not often the ‘Light’ is evil, so to speak.”

Shaking her head in irritation, Twilight glared at the purple earth pony. “Considering we exist as a broadcasted show in your world, how can you not know about Daybreaker?” she demanded. “It happened before you accessed the Equestria Girls World. Surely you must have caught up to that point?”

“Nope.” Purple Heart shrugged. “Or if I did, can’t remember.”

The purple alicorn ground her teeth and swivelled her seat to face away from the irksome colt. Hopefully, Sunset would arrive shortly.

Purple Heart was examining the cuffs on his forehooves when he felt a slight electrical charge flit through the air, setting his mane stiff with static electricity. With a fizz of magic, Sunset and Bael appeared on the colt’s side of the table. Sunset promptly leapt over the table to where Twilight sat, her expression clearly one of distaste as she looked back at Bael. The being in question was warping almost constantly between his pony appearance that was reminiscent of a palette swapped Purple Heart and his original bipedal, two-legged grey form.

“Bael,” Twilight said, “please pick a form. It’s sickening watching you constantly switch.”

The being blinked once and stopped. Right in between transformations.

“That,” Sunset grimaced, “is painful to look at.”

“Bael,” Twilight sighed, rubbing her temple, “one or the other. You can’t be both.”

Bael folded his arms over his chest and stuck out his tongue. “I happen to like this,” he groused.

“I’m pretty sure Twilight will blast you if you don’t finish one way or the other,” Purple drawled, eyeing the drama with a bemused smirk. “The last time someone came at Twilight like that, she Friendship Laser’d him.”

“Bollocks,” Bael swore, shifting completely to his humanoid form. “You’re no fun.”

Twilight arched an eyebrow and cleared her throat as Bael pulled out a chair and sat. “So, do you know why you’re here?”

“‘Cos you don’t know what you’re gonna do with me and you three are gonna talk about it without asking my input?” Bael offered.

“Just about,” Sunset growled. Twilight placed a restraining hoof on the unicorn and shook her head.

“I’m hoping we can find something for you to do that will keep you occupied and allow you to use your abilities to help Equestria or Roania,” she said.

Bael arched an eyebrow and folded his arms across his chest again. “Community service, huh? Sounds reasonable...”

Silence settled on the table as Bael and Purple Heart nodded repeatedly. Twilight and Sunset stared at the pair for a good few seconds and their confusion just grew.

“Well?” Twilight prompted, trying to contain her exasperation. “What do you want to do?”

Bael just shrugged. “I unno. Never really gave it much thought. Remember, I was supposed to be his rival.” He jerked his head at Purple Heart. “Once that was over with, I just floated around that other world enjoying peace and quiet. Until I got bored.”

“Which led you to possessing Heart Burn,” Sunset said.

“Eeyup.”

“Well, possessing ponies is obviously off the table,” Twilight said.

“Ya think?” muttered Purple.

“What about hobbies?” Twilight suggested, ignoring Purple again. Bael snorted.

“You think I had time for hobbies?” he chortled. “That’s cute. Besides, using a hobby as an occupation? Best way to get sick of that hobby.”

“What about acting?” Twilight offered.

Both Bael and Purple looked at her silently, faces deadpan.

“Iiiiis that a no?” Sunset asked.

“You do remember the last time we were allowed near a theater, right?” Bael asked the alicorn.

“You can disguise yourself,” Twilight pointed out.

Bael’s eyes widened in faux surprise. “I can?! Since when?!” He turned to Purple Heart. “Did you know I could disguise myself?!”

Purple Heart’s eyes were wide as he went along with the bit and shook his head. “I didn’t!” he cried, quickly cycling through his series of personas; Purple Patches, Baelhart, then Beekler before ending on his original form. “Incredible! How did Twilight know that about you and you didn’t?!”

“I unno!” replied Bael. “Lemme try!” He stood from his seat, ignoring Twilight and Sunset looking at him with clear disapproval, and promptly flexed his muscles, grunting with exertion. A moment passed and he relaxed, shrugging at the two mares. “Pretty sure if I tried any harder, I’d pull something.”

“How come you can’t disguise yourself?” Twilight growled.

Purple Heart raised a hoof. “I’m the one who brought the actor skillset in the magical mixup,” he answered. “He didn’t.” He nodded at Bael. “Next question.”

Sunset and Twilight shared a look. “Uhhhh-”

“Wait, dumb idea,” Purple Heart interuptted. He looked at Bael. “What about pulling a Discord?”

Bael arched an eyebrow. “In what context? Discord does a lot of things and most of them can be called ‘pulling a Discord’.”

“You want peace and quiet, right?” Purple asked. Bael nodded slowly. “So why don’t they just have you on ‘On Call’ for the next time some young heroes need a BBEG to ease them into the world-saving business?”

“BBEG?” Sunset asked.

“Big Bad Evil Git,” the colt supplied promptly. “Make it seem like an ‘oh no, the world ending evil Bael is coming to destroy Roania stroke Equestria! Save us, chibi Mane Six’ or whatever they’re called. Then, you hit them with the Aizawa Gambit. ‘It was a logical ruse to force you into giving your best’. Then you go back to some place warm with a beach to sip drinks with little umbrellas in them!”

He looked at the blank expressions on the faces of his audience and winced. “Okay, maybe not the best of ideas,” he admitted.

“But funny,” Bael allowed, his face thoughtful as he tapped the table with a finger. “I have to admit, I don’t altogether hate the idea. I might even go so far as to say that I’d be happy to take on such a role, but for a few caveats in my favour.”

“I don’t see why with all the trouble you’ve caused,” Twilight grumbled. Purple Heart’s eyes flashed and he stood abruptly, his chair crashing violently against the stone wall behind him. Twilight, Sunset, and Bael stared at him in surprise and no small amount of wariness as several strings undulated hypnotically behind the purple colt’s shoulders.

“You consider yourself a learned pony, don’t you, Twilight?” Purple Heart rumbled.

The purple alicorn nodded slowly.

“How did you find yourself to possess such knowledge amongst your fellow ponies?”

“...I read books.”

“And?”

Twilight’s brow furrowed slightly. “And what?”

“And if you didn’t understand a subject, what would you do?”

“I’d find another book to explain it to me.”

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed to minute chips of cobalt. “And if that failed you?” he asked.

Twilight’s frown deepened. “I’d ask Celestia.”

“Exactly.”

Twilight and Sunset blinked. “Exactly?” they chorused.

“Ooooh, I get it,” Bael mused, smirking lazily. The two mares looked at the reclined biped.

“Get what?” Sunset inquired.

“Considering your background, I’d have figured you’d understand the line of questioning from Our Resident Bruise,” Bael replied, dodging the question glibly.

“Twilight Sparkle,” Purple Heart uttered, “I’m about to reaffirm your distaste with my perspective on things.” Twilight blinked confusedly.

“Huh?”

“If you had it your way,” Purple Heart continued. “how would life in Equestria be?”

“Peaceful and safe for all ponies to pursue their dreams,” the Alicorn Princess responded immediately.

“For all time?”

“Yes.”

“What happens when you and your friends are no longer there to ensure such a lifestyle?”

Twilight stared. Sunset looked worriedly between the two ponies as the colt’s question hung in the air. It was clear that Twilight wasn’t going to speak immediately, so Purple Heart continued.

“Like it or not, Princess, but eventually, the Elements of Harmony won’t be around to keep the peace and fight off the latest BBEG to save Equestria. Given your status as an Alicorn, I wouldn’t be surprised if you linger far longer than your friends ever could. What happens then? If you are the sole ruler of Equestria one day, will you have the time to go out and protect your country from the latest danger seeking to wreck the balance?”

“I don’t appreciate you applying your rationale to my world!” Twilight hissed.

“Just because you don’t like my thinking doesn’t mean I can’t think it,” retorted Purple Heart. “I have a distressing habit of following a line of thought that isn’t always wholly optimistic. Light or Wits can certainly vouch for that. Besides, you have to admit the likelihood of some ill-intentioned being biding their time until only you linger in a world where all your magic and beliefs are utterly spent to make a bid for power.

“So think hard when you consider denying a teacher proper benefits and remuneration when they consider the idea of mentoring the next guardians of your Peace.”

* * *

“Are you sure you wanna be here for this?” Wits stood at the doorway to an abandoned part of the castle. “Might bring back some bad memories?”

Amber Glitter rolled her eyes. “I’m a queen now, Wits End. Not some princess who needs saving.”

“It’s not about saving,” Wits replied. “It’s about not putting my friends in situations that hurt them.”

After a moment, Amber’s expression softened. “You still see us as friends?”

“You don’t?”

“...I do. I can handle this, Wits.”

Wits shot her a smirk. “As you say, your highness.” The stallion pushed the door open, revealing the old dusty quarters of Roania’s former chancellor.

“Took you two long enough,” Discord huffed, looking over his claws. “I could’ve been inventing new ways of getting in trouble.”

“Then it’s a good thing we interrupted you.” Wits replied.

Discord paused. “Hmm. Maybe you’re right. What do you even want in this… filthy place?”

“Something I thought on the long flight back from the Frozen North.” Wits shot a glance back at Amber. When he got a nod from her, he turned back to Discord. “You know that Sunset brought those three here, right?”

“Of course,” Discord snorted. “I was there when Twilight gave the whole ‘own up to your actions’ speech.”

Wits smirked. “Yeah, it was nice seeing someone else get that one for once.”

“Somepony,” Amber corrected.

Wits and Discord stared at her for a few seconds.

The Queen of Roania coughed lightly. “Sorry. I forgot.”

“Saaright,” Wits said. He turned back to Discord. “I’m assuming you know which one I want you to bring here.”

“Is it the paladin?” Discord gave a wince at the look Wits the stallion shot his way. “Fine, fine.” The Draconequus snapped his talons.

With a small popping noise of displaced air, Holdfast appeared. “Hm,” he mused, looking around the room at everything except the assembled beings. “I would say that it’s good to be back, but it seems my quarters have been left untouched for long enough to develop…” he ran a hoof along his old desk and sniffed, “let’s be charitable and call it ‘personality’.”

“You’re lucky I brought you here with your physical body,” Discord grumbled. “I could’ve just summoned your little orb and stuck you in a bottle again.”

“Ah ah!” Holdfast shook a hoof at the mismatched creature. “Reformed. Both you and I, as I recall.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not a pain in my-”

“Ahem.” Wits tapped a bare piece of floor with his hoof. “You’re jumping to the end.”

Holdfast looked back, his gaze skipping over Wits entirely to land on Amber Glitter. “Ah, princess.” He paused, then smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “My apologies, your majesty.”

“Chancellor.” Amber’s tone was icy. She did not smile back. “My apologies, ex-chancellor.”

Any further comments from the Queen were held back by a hoof on her shoulder. “Amber already knows the story,” Wits said. “She’s here as a witness.”

“As a witness, hmm?” Holdfast finally looked at all three entities in turn. “So,” he said eventually, “it’s to be judge, jury, and executioner, is it?”

A wide smile spread over Wits’ face, “I missed pulling things over on you, Holdfast.”

Holdfast frowned. “And I miss when we were in Twilight’s castle and I beat you with a dictionary.”

“First of all, it was an encyclopedia. Secondly, this isn’t a trial.” Wits dusted off a chair and took a seat, offering another one to Amber. “It’s counseling.”

Holdfast stared at Wits in silence for a good, long time. “Counseling,” he eventually said flatly. “For whom?”

“Well, I worked through my issues by trying to conquer the world.” Wits dusted off his hooves and held them out, as if that were proof of his self-improvement. “But there’s still some issues to be resolved. See, we’ve got everything we need here for a good old-fashioned redemption finisher.”

“Weren’t you paying attention?” Holdfast sneered. “I said I’m reformed.”

“No no no no no.” Wits shook his head. “You’re just on the good guys’ side. I did a lot of thinking about the difference. See, redemption means that you’ve completed part of your character arc. You just got re-balanced to the other team.”

Discord raised an eyebrow so high it raised off of his face. “What’re you recommending?”

Wits pointed to the three other members in the room. “Y'all figure your Sugar Honey Iced Tea out. In this room. And no-one leaves until you’re copacetic.”

The unicorn wasn’t sure which of the three entities were louder in their objections, but their voices together managed to blow the dust off of the tables.

“You never mentioned this part!” Amber shouted. “What are you trying here, Wits?”

“Yeah, what’re you trying to pull?” Discord’s neck was stretched far enough to get right in Wits’ face. “I oughta turn you into a squirrel and leave you with the Hydra!”

“I absolutely refuse,” Holdfast intoned, his voice hard. “I have nothing to say to either of these two, and I have no interest in listening to their drivel.”

“Drivel?” Amber turned on the former chancellor. “I am your Queen! My ‘drivel’ determines the fate of Roania!”

“Your ‘drivel’ is just that,” Holdfast bit out. “You’re a child playing at being Queen, and the greatest challenge you ever faced was when I conquered your little capital.”

“You conquered it?” Discord scoffed loudly. “You and your little tin cans got lucky that I didn’t bump the difficulty back up before you got going! Those things never would’ve gotten off the ground if I hadn’t been-”

“Hadn’t been utterly defeated by the three problems you caused? Hah!” Holdfast leveled his glare at Discord. “You lost to your own creations. Some god you are.”

“I brought you into this world,” Discord shot back, “and I swear to me, I will take you out of it!”

“And I wonder why you haven’t yet,” Holdfast hissed. “You took my body from me and forced me to inhabit that… two-legged mockery of myself. You took my autonomy away and made me act only on your whims. By all the dead and incompitent gods, you took my very past away from me!” The snow-white stallion was silent for a moment, then continued. “You made me who I am, you pathetic excuse for a deity, and then you took that and twisted it when it no longer served you. Why?”

Discord didn’t respond. He just looked down at the pony in front of him. “I don’t have an answer for that,” he said eventually.

“Because I don’t deserve one?” Holdfast growled.

“Because there isn’t one that doesn’t make me seem like a totally insensitive jerk,” Discord snapped back. “It was a dumb decision, and I shouldn’t have done it. But despite everything else I can do, I can’t undo that. Alright?”

Silence settled over the room like the dust had. After a few seconds, Wits End shot a glance at Amber. “I mean, you can get pretty close.”

Both Holdfast and Discord turned towards him. “What do you mean?” Holdfast asked.

“Well… You existed in this world before, and you had good intentions back then.” Wits folded one hindleg over the other. “All Discord did was twist some knobs in your head and stick some of my knowledge of storytelling and villainy in there. Why not just reset that?”

“You mean wipe my memory,” Holdfast said flatly.

“What, like some sort of droid? No, I mean Discord picks up his mess. Set your alignment back to Lawful Neutral and pull out all the extra gunk.”

Discord shook his head. “Look, even if I could do that-”

“Oh, don’t give me that.” Wits shot a glare at the Draconequus. “Are you telling me you can’t do the same thing you did, but in reverse?”

“The knowledge I took from you has to go somewhere,” Discord finished. “Someone’s gotta have the knowledge of how to destroy a nation, and live with that.”

Wits stared at Discord for a good long beat. “At some point,” he said, “you’ll put it together.”

Discord blinked. Then he blinked again. “I got it from you.”

“You got it from me.”

“I can just put that knowledge back in your brain.”

“And all that’ll happen is I’ll know it twice.”

“And what about me?” Holdfast said. “I go back to plotting to dethrone an unjust king?”

“We don’t have any of those,” Amber said softly. “But… There is a queen who could use an advisor on how not to make the mistakes her family made.”

Both Holdfast and Discord slowly turned to Amber Glitter, then back to Wits. “You planned this.” Discord’s voice wasn’t so much a question as an awed statement.

“I also already tried to destabilize and destroy a nation,” Wits said plainly. “So if anything, Holdfast’s information is outdated.”

“Why the argument, then?” Holdfast asked.

“Like I said.” Wits shrugged. “Get it out in the open. Plus, I knew Discord would need a little coaxing to figure it out. Special thanks to my guest star Amber for setting the stage.”

Amber flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I’ve wanted to scream at somepony like that ever since I took the throne.”

“Hold on.” Holdfast held up a hoof. “So, I stop being villainous, and I just get accepted back into the castle? Just like that?”

“That’s friendship.” Wits leaned back in the chair, tipping it up on two legs. “And also magic. I’ve heard there’s a children’s show about that.”

Holdfast was silent. “Perhaps I was… too harsh on you, Wits End.”

“I also did this specifically to irritate you one last time, and not give you the chance to retaliate.”

“I take it back, I was exactly as harsh on you as I should have been.” The barest hint of a genuine smile played at the corners of Holdfast’s mouth. “So, if I may channel you for one moment… How do we do this thing?”

* * *

Light Patch quietly kicked the door close behind him as he carried the bag into the room. He set it down with the clink of glass knocking into others of similar make. He sat down at the open spot at the table. He looked between the three older stallions, similar but distinct in subtle ways. Slight differences in weight and muscle tone, mane and tail lengths, and even different color wise. A small smile formed on Light Patch’s face as he realized it was like having three toys, one original and two knock offs, but all three came in the same bland boxes.

Three sets of eyes turned to the newly returned arrival, and then at the bag he’d sat on the table. “You three don’t want to know how many favors I now owe Pinkie Pie to get that booze. Rarity was nice enough to only require getting to kick me once for old time’s sake.”

“I know enough about my world’s Pinkie Pie to know how terrifying that statement is,” one of the stallions replied as he reached across the table to pull out the two bottles as Light Patch pulled the glasses out.

“I believe the saying is ‘no good deed goes unpunished’,” Officer Duty replied by filling his glass with an amber liquid.

“I’ve always been fond of the saying ‘the road to tartarus is paved with good intentions’,” said Paladin Just.

“In the monastery, the saying would be ‘switching the coin’s face’,” Just Duty said, filling his glass before dropping a coin in. As it sank, it revolved around. One side showed scales whereas the other showed a fire framed by horns.

Light Patch poured barely a taste of one of the bottles into his glass. “I can’t think of any from my home that haven’t already been said,” he admitted. He blinked thoughtfully. “Actually… best I can think of is ‘stealing the sin’.”

Just Duty gave a short laugh. “Oddly fitting that is what you can remember, considering what I’ve heard of your recent exploits, hero.” He punctuated his statement with a sip of his drink, his eyes on the shifting pegasus across from him.

“How did you learn of that?”

“I had a chance to talk to the princesses of the world you rampaged across.”

“It was hardly a rampage,” Light Patch countered. He drank, having worked up the courage to taste what he’d poured for himself. “More of a mosh pit really.” His words were muffled due to speaking into his glass.

“It was fairly localised,” Paladin Just added in with a sip of his own drink before looking directly at the pegasus. “Though it did draw in quite a large chunk of bandits from across the continent. Several of Equestria’s neighbours thought it was actually a Royal Guard operation. Holdfast, our Holdfast, has been playing you up as the military genius behind it. At least two countries wish to give you a parade should you ever visit.” The three Just Duty’s smiles grew as the pegasus worked his way through his emotions.

“Well... I suppose I should welcome you to the club officially then.” Just Duty said, raising his glass.

“What club?” Officer Duty asked.

“Those traveling a road paved with good intentions.”

“Ah, yeah... In that case, I guess I’m there too. Possessed by a hydra because I was investigating some strange circumstances,” Officer Duty realized. He raised his glass to join the one with Just Duty which was joined shortly after by Paladin Just’s glass as well. The three looked at him.

“Dumb decision born of youth. I sealed an evil being in me. I went to sleep one night and woke up three months later in the hospital with an irate princess waiting for me,” Paladin Just explained, a sardonic smile gracing his face.

Light Patch looked between the three and, after tipping a little of the other bottle into his glass, he reluctantly raised his as well. The four downed their drinks. Only the grey pegasus reacted to the taste of his.

The four sat in the silence of their respective thoughts. Just Duty looked at the grey pegasus directly across from him. “You can hardly be blamed for every one of your actions.”

“Knowing that and actually applying that to my guilt is...” Light Patch trailed off looking for the right words.

“Two separate things?” Officer Duty supplied. “I had some time sitting in Miss Twilight’s castle thinking about what happened to me during the whole thing with the hydra. It was hard to separate what were actually my choices and which were ones the hydra drove me towards.”

“At least you had outside driving forces. All of my actions were mine and mine alone,” Just Duty added. “I made the choice to go down the wrong path.”

“You also learned that your entire world and existence might have been the creation of some being of chaos for some game of Cavern’s and Cutie Marks,” Light Patch pointed out.

“Yes. That wouldn’t do my decision making any favors,” Officer Duty said.

“At least you three remember what happened. All I have is what I was told after the fact, sitting in the hospital with injuries I just suddenly had,” Paladin Just groused. The four sat in silence, stewing in their own thoughts again about their own experiences and what they’d learned of the others.

“At least we were trying to do the right thing,” Light Patch muttered.

“Rather what we thought was the right thing,” Officer Duty added.

“Guess we need to put more thought into how it would all end,” Paladin Just commented.

“I hope I can figure out what the right lesson in all of this is to pass on to the whelps I’ll be training,” Just Duty sighed.

“I thought you were going to be a paladin until the very end. Like your mentor who didn’t get to?” Light Patch asked.

“That was my plan but... Recent events and actually having time to think about things have caused me to re-evaluate that position. I’ve learned a lot and I’m not getting younger. But I’m still young enough to give the new paladin initiates a run for their money,” Just Duty explained flexing his forelegs.

“Loftier goals than my retirement. I’m not going to train the next generation. Already done plenty of that myself over the years. I’m going to take it easy and catch up on the hobbies I’ve been putting off,” Officer Duty decided with a smile. “Do some fishing, maybe start that garden railroad I’ve always wanted... Finally paint up the Boarz army I’ve got.”

“Thanks to Senator Holdfast, it looks like I might be replacing Blueblood as the temporary regent of Equestria. I’ll be more than happy to retire from that when the time comes and get back to the field. Then again, at my age I’ve been stuck in the office more than the field,” Paladin Just said thoughtfully.

“I’m too young to consider retiring. Though, it’d be nice to not get caught up in another world ending disaster or something,” Light Patch chuckled ruefully, looking at the cheeky grins the other three were shooting at him. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Fat chance.”

“From what I’ve observed, you three are the world ending disaster,” Just Duty snorted.

“I shudder to think there is another whole world of people like you three,” Officer Duty chimed in, giving an over exaggerated shudder.

“The royalty checks from the comic book sales would be nice. Oh, don’t look at me like that! My job has been to find and deal with those kinds of threats secretly. They’d be the diplomats’ problem,” Paladin Just scoffed, gulping the last of his drink.

“I think this room just became a bar,” Light Patch said after the laughter had settled. “Think about it, we’ve been served drinks, gone through the full gamut of emotions, and teased about some great lessons to learn.”

“Sometimes, you just want to go to a place where everybody knows your name~” Officer Duty began to sing.

“And everybody’s glad you came~” Light Patch continued. Paladin Just and Just Duty looked between each other.

“What are they doing?” Paladin Just finally asked.

“It’s some kind of reference to some play or something. He does this alot. Though I’m surprised it appears to be shared between their worlds.”

“Should we be trying to hum or sing along?” Paladin Just asked with an unsure look.

“Probably,” Just Duty said, watching the two sing as he refilled his drink quietly.

* * *

Six sets of eyes peered over the valley and the view afforded by the high cave they called home. Thanks to the altitude, they were able to easily pick out several landmarks. The town of Roads Crossed nestled against the forest. The castle of the Kingdom able to lay claim to the valley. The main entrance to the Deep Caverns.

But not the only entrance, one of the six thought with a smile, it’s eyes flicking towards the cave.

“Our cave,” added the head with pink scales.

“Our home,” corrected the head with red eyes.

“It is nice we were able to return here.”

“Agreed. Even should our plan have succeeded, it would not have been home. Not this one at any rate.”

“I am sure, given enough time, we could have made it so.”

“But not all of the way,” agreed another of the heads, it’s blue tusks standing out against the sky.

“Still... our plan for the other world does spark some interesting ideas for here,” spoke the head with lavender horns.

“Do not let those ideas spark too much. They might set your brain on fire. In fact, I think I can smell the smoke already,” teased the head with violet fins.

“Tend to those ideas and let them grow,” stated the head with a slight shake, causing a ripple to spread through it’s orange spines, “but do not worry about harvesting them today. I feel like enjoying being home for a bit longer.” There were six simultaneous nods of agreement. With six smiles, the hydra stood up from its perch and strode back into its cave, content for once in a long time.

Chapter 1: Meanwhile, with Spike…

Spike walked into Twilight’s study to find three mares arguing the contents of their various chalkboards. Each board was crammed from top to bottom with scrawled equations and magical notation.

“It’s been weeks,” he said, loud enough that he knew the mares would hear him, as he set about clearing up the scattered pages of notes, magic tomes, and scrolls from the floor, “and the equations still look like Nightmare Moon gave a lecture at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.” He set the gathered materials on one of the few open spaces on a desk, dusted his claws, and turned back towards the door...

And immediately tripped over a newly discarded scroll.

“Wha-” The purple dragon rubbed his eyes, but the floor remained covered in detritus once again. “I just cleaned this!” He picked his way through the mess as the mares continued their three-way debate, passing documents off to Owlosicious as he went. “Seriously, do we even need a floor with all this stuff? I knew Twilight could get bad, but I expected better from Starlight…”

Eventually, after much grumbling and venomous side-glances at the mares, the workspace was clear once again, this time with plenty of space on a desk to stack discarded documentation.

“There!” He turned to the door, this time checking under his claws before he started walking. “I think this is deserves some well earned victory ice cre-”

He was interrupted by a stack of papers sliding to the ground in front of him like a spilled bucket of water. In the midst of their discussion, one of Sunset Shimmer’s animated hoof-waves had knocked over the stack, resulting in a Rube Goldbuckian series of cascading messes across the room.

Spike stared at the papers for a moment before gathering a few papers and turning to the mares. He cleared his throat loudly, cutting off their argument. “In the interest of avoiding any more wasted effort on my part,” he said pointedly, “I feel like I should point out that you three are at the point where you should either test the stupid spell, or scrap the whole thing and start again!” With that, he tossed the papers into the air, walked out of the room, and slammed the door.

The three mares looked about the room, each with an owlish expression on her face before all three sighed.

“He’s right. I guess it’s now or never,” Twilight admitted. “Unless...” She trailed off, looking hopefully at Sunset who simply shook her head.

“It’s the same as it was last time you asked. No sign of them.”

“O-okay,” Twilight sighed, moving to the center of the room. “I’ll do the main casting. Sunset, you help me hone in on their magical signatures, and Starlight will back me up with powering this thing. We’re finally gonna get those three where we can keep them out of whatever trouble that comes looking for them.”

Twilight closed her eyes and focused her magic in her horn, preparing to channel it into the spell. She immediately felt Sunset’s magic join her own, helping to guide the spell to the beings they were seeking. Just as Twilight was starting to feel like she didn’t have enough magic to craft and focus the spell as well as power it, Starlight’s magical might supplemented her own, easing the task of powering the spell and leaving Twilight to finish crafting it.

She wove, twisted, and entwined her magic just as the three of them had worked out before hoof: a combination of Starswirl’s Mirror spell and Search Light’s Beacon Spell. Twilight patiently and carefully bound the magic to the Mirror Portal loaned to her by Celestia, then switched her attention to the Friendship Map.

“Visualize the colts on my mark, Sunset,” the Princess of Friendship warned. “...Now.” The flame-haired unicorn summoned up all her knowledge of the three bo- colts. She thought of Wits End’s dry humor and sarcastic comebacks, Light Patch’s tangential conversations, and Purple Heart’s overly dramatic behavior. She remembered all she could of the trio and brought it all to the forefront of her mind. She faltered briefly when Twilight’s voice cut through her concentration.

“Starlight, full power on my mark,” Twilight ordered. “...Now.” A surge of power pulsed from the reformed villainess’ horn and the mirror began to glow. Sweat streamed down the mares’ faces as they focused all their concentration on their part of the spell. The glowing mirror started to rattle in its frame. The sheer magical power was nearly overloading the artifact.

“Almost there...” Twilight ground out as she searched for the colts in Limbo. “Just a little bit more...”

“Twi!” Starlight panted. “I’m giving it all I’ve got! I’m almost out!”

“Almost there.” The princess ignored Starlight’s warning, her magic still searching through Limbo.

“Twilight!” Sunset had opened her eyes and was peering worriedly at Starlight’s shaking form. “Hurry up!”

“Keep on the colts!” Twilight snapped at the fire-haired mare. “I think I’ve found them!”

Sunset and Starlight were panting now. The mirror was rattling so hard it was about to fall over. A resounding shriek split the magically charged air, drawing the mares’ eyes to the mirror. A long, jagged crack zig-zagged across the mirror’s surface.

“Twilight...” Sunset urged, her voice pained.

“Got them!” Twilight crowed. She heaved on the signatures of the colts and the villains, pulling them through the Mirror Portal. Just as she felt the spell was about to finish, something happened. The spell’s matrix shifted unexpectedly and it lost its grip on the colts. The moment she felt them slip from the spell, the rest of it tumbled into a cascade failure and before she could even try to safely end the spell, all of the energy bundled up and, with a noise halfway between an explosion and something squishing, the spell completely fizzled and blew the three mares off their hooves.

The three lay in silence. Surprised, stunned or just exhausted none of them could say before they heard the door slam open.

“What happened! Are you three okay?” Spike shouted nervously, starting to run towards one of the mares before abruptly moving towards another.

“That’s what I wanna know. What the buck happened?” Sunset said, slowly and carefully rolling onto her hooves before switching to a sitting position. “I thought we had them.”

“We did,” Twilight admitted, looking critically at the damaged mirror. “But then they just suddenly slipped away and from there, everything else started to fail.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe if I had noticed sooner, I could have-” Starlight started to apologize before a wave of Twilight’s hoof cut her off.

“No. At best you could have severed your flow of magic and the spell would have only slightly exploded.” Twilight looked around the room at the new and the ruined chalkboard equations. “Looks like we’re starting over.” She turned at the sound of Spike trying to gather up some of the books and intact pages. “Leave them, Spike. We’ll clean up in the morning. I think we all just need rest now.” She glumly left the room, her head low. Spike just stood there, a book in his claws and surprise carved into his face. Then, he whipped around to face Sunset and Starlight, recognizing the sadness and surprise that fought for control of their faces before they too just followed Twilight silently out of the room.

Spike just stared at the door, listening to the mares’ hoofbeats echo back to him. With a sorrowful sigh, he set the book in his claws down. “I’m gonna have to get up early tomorrow morning,” he mumbled to himself. “I’ll need to make a run to Sugar Cube Corner to get enough pancake mix to get them out of this funk.”

Giving the messy room one last once over, he walked out. With practiced ease, his claws reached out and signaled the room’s lights off without even looking back. A gentle gloom settled on the room, the only source of light being that of the map and the three pulsing cutie marks floating above it.

* * *

The snow continued to fall, trying it’s best to return the world upon which it fell to it’s blank slate. It fought to hide the blemish, a crater in the snow carved out by the impact of the stallion that had popped into existence above it. The stallion began to move and shift, the light covering of recently fallen snow quickly falling free. The figure stood up from the snowy crater and looked around. Blurry shapes greeted the stallion’s eyes and with a huff he began to look around. As he dug through the snow around him, the snow sloughing off his body revealed the light grey nature of his coat. Finally, the stallion found what he had been looking for and pulled a pair of glasses from the snow and, after a quick cleaning, sat them upon his muzzle. The stallion was now able to clearly make out the light of a city in the distance, it’s light reflecting off the snow and clouds.

After a quick scan revealing no other closer shelters in the snowy night, the bespectacled pony began to trudge towards the town’s warm glow. The snow continued to fall, and it continued to try and restore the blank slate that the stallion’s entrance and now hoofsteps disturbed. Quietly, the grey stallion took in the soft, snowy night. The glow of even more distant towns and cities were noticed, as well as one very bright light far in the distance shining like a beacon. The various lights and slightly different hues cast various shadows and gradients across the clouds and snow, and it seemed like no matter which way the stallion looked, there was always a new pattern to see.

The stallion was broken out of it’s silent revelry when it felt something brush across it’s leg. With a short panicked hop, the stallion jumped away and looked down only to find a flower somehow growing in the snow. A shovel haft stuck up from the snow surrounding the flower. It appeared as if someone had meant to dig up and replant the flower, likely to protect it from the cold. The bespectacled stallion stood there, looking at the flower for a few quiet moments. The snow fell on him and the flower, dusting both like powdered sugar over a pastry. The stallion with a hoof reached out took a step forward towards the shovel before a breeze rolled over the two of them. A sudden shiver froze the stallion, causing him to wrap his wings tightly around his sides.

The stallion glanced between the flower and the still distant city. And, with an almost apologetic smile, stepped back away from the flower before turning and trudging towards the city again. This time, his head remained locked on the lights, trying to not let himself be distracted again. If the figure had glanced behind himself he might have noticed how sometimes his hoof prints would seem to suddenly stop before starting just as suddenly several lengths away.

* * *

Water ran under the simple bridge near a fork in the dirt road, adding its gentle watery sound to the natural orchestra of the steppes. Fish swam upstream and downstream through the river, occasionally diverting to leap at a low-flying insect or snap up some underwater greenery. One such fish broke away to investigate something laying at the bottom of the riverbed. Something that had landed recently from above, at a much higher speed than any diving bird or sinking stone it knew of. It nudged at an outstretched extremity of the thing, wondering if this was something to eat, or ignore.

The limb jerked, as something under a thin layer of river stones released a stream of bubbles. It jerked again, freeing its body from the rest of the stones that covered it, and kicked off of the river floor for the surface.

Shortly, the pony breached the water’s surface, gasping and sputtering to fill its lungs with air as it began to sink back down. Even as panic set in, the pony’s eyes darted around its environment, picking out a gnarled tree root that had broken through. The pony’s horn glowed as it grabbed the root with motes of energy, drawing closer to both it and the surface again.

A Pinto-patterned foreleg grasped the grass outside of the river, pulling the rest of the gasping mint-colored unicorn along with it. Eye squeezed tightly shut, it heaved itself onto dry land and once all but its tail was out of the water, it rolled over onto its back.

A ray of sunlight gleefully stabbed at the unicorn’s eyes, forcing it to focus once again. It groaned under its breath as it opened its eyes, lifting its head and shielding it from the sun. Slowly, it took in the hoof that blocked the light in front of it. The pony rolled its eyes, letting its head drop back onto the grass. It let out a long, tired sigh.

After a few minutes, the unicorn rolled back onto its hooves and stood. It looked at the river, and at the simple bridge near the fork in the dirt road, and sighed again. With a few choice expletives, it took the left-most path in the fork, and began trotting as the steppes disappeared into the woods.

* * *

Minarets of dust twisted upwards as pulverized vegetation cascaded down onto the fractured earth. A long furrow stretched from the forest to the precipice of the cliff overlooking the sandy sprawl of land that was the Badlands. Animals of every species peered out of the foliage flanking the new trough that split their forest. A crater billowing dust and sand could be seen clearly in the distance.

A sharp cry split the air and most of the animals scurried for cover as a massive vulture swooped overhead, gliding gently on the wind currents left over from the violent landing. Piercing yellow eyes scanned the sandy terrain below, searching for what had caused the disturbance. With any luck, it would soon become a meal for the vulture and it’s brethren.

Several minutes of wafting on the breeze later, the vulture spotted the crater. Sand and dirt had settled, revealing the new land feature to the air along with the source of its creation; a large earth pony the color of late dusk marked with jagged splashes of blue similar to that of a cloudless sky. The vulture banked and coasted down to land beside the pony. An involuntary blink coaxed itself from the vulture as it realized the true size of the dusky equine and a shiver of excitement ruffled its feathers. All excitement drained from the bird in an irritated squawk when the pony gave a sudden exhale and lifted its head. With a cry of displeasure, the vulture beat its wings and took to the sky, once again searching for a suitable source of nourishment for its brethren.

Blinking rapidly to remove dust and grit, the purple earth pony rolled onto its legs with a groan. Eyelids fluttered open to reveal startling emerald eyes that, with a rapid blink, shifted into sharp cobalt. The now blue orbs flicked about, taking in the sandy crater. The pony rolled onto its stomach and tried to stand. Sturdy, yet unused limbs shook and promptly gave way. The blue eyes glanced down and a great huff of air burst forth as a pair of purple hooves swam into focus. The earth pony froze, lifting a hoof to eye level. It gave another gusty sigh and slowly stood, casting his gaze skyward.

The large pony spoke, its voice a deep baritone that reverberated across the crater.

“Oh no. Not again.”

Chapter 6: A Spoonful of Sugar Is Better Than Cinnamon

Wits rubbed his forehooves together. “So, what’re we gonna do today, Brain? Bring calculus to the masses? Wax a statue of Celestia to a mirror shine? Maybe take advantage of some princesshood to get free food?”

Twilight sighed. “No, no, and no.” The two of them were standing in an open field, a few minutes out of Ponyville. “I signed off on you helping around town, but first, I want to make sure you understand the basics of magic. There’s not much more dangerous than a unicorn with no control over their magic.”

“I could use my magic just fine in the game,” Wits pouted. “And in the High School Never Ends universe too.”

“Yeah, and the game let you use magic just by saying the name of the spell. It’s a bit more complicated than that here in the real world.” Twilight narrowed her eyes at the unicorn’s derisive snort. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. But as long as you’re here in Equestria, this is the real world. Got it?”

“Fine, fine. We’ll work from Isekai rules. But how am I supposed to use magic with this thing on my head?” Wits tapped the band around his horn.

“The band only keeps you from accidentally using magic. If you put your focus into it, you’ll be able to use spells just fine.”

“Oh yeah?” Wits turned away from Twilight and cleared his throat. “Lightning Bolt!”

Somewhere, something sufficiently dramatic happened. However, in that field, all that happened was that a nearby mouse stared at Wits before going back to looking for food. Wits waited a beat, then turned back to Twilight. “Lightning machine broke, fam.”

Twilight sighed. “Real spells don’t have verbal components. You have to-”

“Hey, Twilight!” The two ponies turned to see a trio of young fillies coming their way. Sweetie Belle looked Wits End over. “Who’s this? Another Friendship Student?”

“No,” Wits said immediately.

“Technically,” Twilight mused, a grin growing on her lips, “you are my student right now, and I am the princess of Friendship. So, by the transitive property, you are my Friendship Student!”

“He looks a bit older than most of your students, Twilight,” Apple Bloom said.

“Not a whole lot taller though,” Scootaloo whispered, earning a nudge in the side from the other two Cutie Mark Crusaders, which knocked her off her scooter.

Wits placed his forehoof on the bridge of his nose. “Dear Celestia, grant me the strength to not punt these children into the upper atmosphere.”

“What are you three doing here?” Twilight asked, ignoring Wits’ mumbled prayers.

Applebloom grinned. “AJ said you were out here teaching somepony, and we thought we could help! Ah mean, that’s what our Cutie Marks’re for, after all!”

Wits blinked. “The CMC have Cutie Marks?” he muttered in shock. He was promptly ignored.

Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, I suppose if you three could help him with the basics of magic, that would give me more time to check on the other two.”

“Magic basics?” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “We can totally handle that!”

Scootaloo tilted her head to look at Wits’ cutie mark. “Who makes hoofwarmers with extra bits like that?” she asked. She was promptly ignored.

“Leave it to us, Twilight!” Applebloom wrapped one foreleg around her unicorn friend. “After all the trouble she had, Ah’m sure Sweetie Belle’s got Magic 101 memorized back to front!”

Sweetie Belle seemed like she was trying to decide if she should be insulted or not, but smiled just to be safe. “Sure!”

Twilight nodded. “Well then, I’ll leave Wits to you three. Wits, you play nice.”

“I want my hesitancy on the record,” the unicorn colt deadpanned.

Twilight chuckled, then teleported away. As soon as she was gone, the three fillies clasped their forehooves together. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER REMEDIAL MAGIC INSTRUCTORS!”

Wits’ lower eyelid twitched. “I miss the unknowable nothingness between dimensions.”

“Alright!” Sweetie Belle stood in front of him, a pair of fake glasses balanced on her nose. “Let’s start with a brief history of magic and unicorns-”

“Hold up.” Wits held his hoof out. “Can we skip the theory and go straight to the practical application? I’ll come back to the history section in my own time, thanks.”

“Yeah, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. “No offence, but history ain’t nearly as interesting as watching the sparks fly.”

Sweetie Belle pouted. “Fine. We’ll skip the first three chapters of Magic 101, then.”

“Told y’all,” Apple Bloom said smugly.

“Essentially,” Sweetie Belle continued, “using magic is the act of manipulating the elements around you to achieve the outcome you’re going for. You can’t just imagine a fireball; you have to have an understanding of the steps it would take to create a ball of fire. Once you have that, you can use magic to replicate those steps.”

Wits thought for a moment. “So all I need to do is magically superheat the air in a given area by causing the oxygen molecules to vibrate faster and faster until it turns into plasma?”

“Let’s try something a little less dangerous,” Apple Bloom said quickly. “How about pickin’ stuff up?”

“That’s a good idea,” Sweetie Belle replied. “Scootaloo, put your helmet over there.”

Scootaloo set her headgear on the grass. “What if it explodes?” she asked nervously.

“It won’t explode,” Sweetie Belle said. “Probably. Might wanna stand back, actually.” Once everypony was a dozen steps away from the helmet, she turned to Wits. “Alright, so first, imagine that you’re standing next to the helmet. Close your eyes if you want.”

Wits closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay. Now what?”

“Imagine leaning down, and picking it up with one hoof.”

“...Alright.”

“Imagine lifting it up, and carrying it a few steps forward.”

“Uh huh.”

“And imagine putting it back down.”

“Hang on… Okay, that was a tough one.”

“You’ve got it?”

“Yep.”

“Suuuuper clear in your head?”

“It’s like I’m really in a field with a helmet in it,” Wits deadpanned.

Sweetie Belle grinned. “Good! Now open your eyes and do that exact thing again, but this time think of it as imagining with your horn.”

“How’s that work?” Apple Bloom asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Trust me,” Sweetie Belle responded, “it’s a unicorn thing. He gets it.”

Wits looked back at Apple Bloom, mouthing something that might have been ‘he doesn’t’ before turning back to the helmet. He knitted his eyebrows and focused on the headwear, imagining that he was next to it and picking it up. Motes of pale teal energy sparked from its tip and around the band of his horn, but no tell-tale aura of magic appeared around the helmet. “Doesn’t feel like it’s working,” he grumbled.

“You’re thinking too hard about it,” Sweetie Belle offered. “Don’t think about the physical actions. Focus on the intent and the feeling of picking it up.”

“Intent, huh?” Wits thought for a moment. He imagined standing next to the helmet as a human, rather than a pony. His imagined self reached down and picked up the helmet with both hands. He imagined the feeling of the metal and cloth under his fingertips, and the weight resting on his palms.

A magic aura formed around his horn, and a pair of large, semi-transparent, blue-green hands formed in the air next to the helmet. They swooped down, scooping the headpiece off the ground and lifting it up.

“Woah,” Sweetie Belle said. “I… didn’t think that’d work.”

Wits glanced back at the filly. “Huh?”

“Nothing! Now try putting it back down.”

“Oh, okay.” Wits turned back to the helmet, and imagined how it would be to bend over and set it back on the grass.

The hands started to move, then seemed to hesitate. The left hand let go and turned palm-up, as if shrugging. A beat later, the right hand viciously tossed the helmet into the ground, sending a cloud of dirt into the air.

“Hey!” Scootaloo dashed over, ignoring the hands that were doing finger-guns at her in favor of staring at the helmet-sized hole in the field. “Not that that wasn’t impressive, but what the hay, dude!”

“Sorry!” Wits stared at the hole from where he stood. “Hang on, I think I can get it!” A moment later, both hands flew into the hole, sending small sprays of dirt and rubble up behind them. “It’s gotta be in here somewhere…”

“Maybe we should call Twilight,” Apple Bloom said slowly.

“I’ve got it!” Wits called. He focused hard, his horn surrounded in a purple haze of magic. “I think it stuck. Maybe if I pull a little harder, and get the right angle…”

The ground trembled underneath their hooves. Cracks began to form, spreading out from the hole. The three fillies moved back to behind Wits End as the cracks widened. Suddenly, the ground exploded in a shower of dirt and pebbles. The four ponies stared with wide eyes as a boulder—with Scootaloo’s helmet embedded in it—launch from where the hole had been, and sailed through the air in the direction of Ponyville.

Apple Bloom was the first to react. “Uh oh.”

Wits looked back at the now gaping crater in the middle of the field. The hands were dusting themselves off, then they gave a pair of v-signs and disappeared. He turned back just in time to hear an echoing crash coming from the town marketplace. “I just don’t know what went wrong.”

* * *

Purple Heart blinked once at Spike, digesting the small dragon’s statement. “You want me to do what now?”

“Somepony put in a request for assistance finding a file amongst all these,” Spike reiterated impatiently, gesturing at the rows and rows of filing cabinets.

The large purple earth pony stared at the diminutive dragon with a blank look on his face.

“You’re telling me,” he started stoically, “that my first ‘Friendly Antisocial Rehabilitation Course Essay’ is to be a fetch quest?”

Spike blinked, confusion maring his young face. “Friendly antisocial...” He shook his head resolutely. “I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, but this is the first task on your list!” He waved the clipboard at Purple Heart, the paper fluttering enough to barely reach the purple earth pony’s nose. “If you knew Twi, you’d know she really likes lists,” he continued.

“I do know Twilight,” Purple Heart responded. “I just never thought my syllabus would be bullet points to check off.” He gave a hefty sigh and held out a hoof. “Okay. Who am I helping hunt for the One File to Rule Them All?”

Spike tucked the clipboard under an arm and puffed out his chest. “Me.”

Purple Heart lifted his brow at the response. “Ho~?” he drawled.

The little purple dragon nodded firmly. “Owlowiscious isn’t much help filing things and Twilight’s busy at the moment so I need help looking,” he said.

With a chuckle, Purple Heart lowered his head to bring his eyes level with Spike’s. “This file wouldn’t happen to be about a particular marshmallow fashionista, would it, Smeagol?”

Eyes widening in surprise, Spike choked on spit as he fought to respond. His coughs sounded remarkably like ‘gollum’ as he fought to clear his airway. Purple Heart restrained his mirth over the little dragon’s dilemma of rage over breathing. Gasping for breath, Spike glared irritably up at Purple Heart.

“That was uncalled for,” Spike rasped, massaging his throat. “No, it’s not about Rarity. It’s my ‘Treatise on the Subject of Mining in the Crystal Caves of Yakyakistan’.”

“...‘Treatise on the Subject of Mining in the Crystal Caves of Yakyakistan’,” Purple Heart echoed.

“Yes.”

“...What’s it about?”

“Whether or not Equestria should do such a thing to keep the Dragons happy,” Spike explained.

Purple Heart rubbed at his eyes with a hoof. “Equestria pays tribute to the Dragons?” he asked.

Spike grimaced. “Well… no. But I like to bring gifts to my monthly tea party with Ember,” he admitted.

Purple Heart’s eyebrows raised as he considered the little dragon. He hummed thoughtfully and turned to look at the wall of cabinets. “So, where do we start?”

“Anywhere from ‘C’ for crystal to ‘M’ for mining to ‘T’ for ‘treatise’,” Spike said, walking over to a filing cabinet. “Or it could be somewhere else. It’s been a week since I organized this so it’ll probably take a while.” With that said, Spike opened a drawer, and started pulling out folders. He then carried the stack over to a table close to the entrance, plopped the folders down, clambered into a chair, and started to read.

“How long will this take?” Purple Heart called.

“Until we find what I need,” Spike replied, setting aside the first folder and grabbing a second.

Purple Heart resisted the urge to groan and started down an aisle of cabinets and randomly stopped in front of one. He pulled open a random drawer and blindly flipped through until he felt the urge to pull a folder out. Keeping a hoof in place, he pulled a folder and flipped it open. He barely managed to read the title when it fell off his foreleg and onto the floor.

“Oh yeh,” he grumbled, eying the sprawl of papers, “no fingers.” He leaned over, trying to shuffle the papers into one spot whilst keeping his place in the drawer when he was struck by an idea. He looked around, peaking over his shoulder and over the other cabinets to see if there was anyone watching. Feeling confident he was unobserved, he willed a thread to emerge from his chest.

A green string slowly coalesced before him and slipped into the filing cabinet where his hoof had been holding open. With a wide grin, Purple Heart pulled his hoof out of the cabinet and set about gathering the fallen papers. Once they were all neatly compiled back within their folder, he eyed the sticker on the front.

‘Diplomatic Arrangements as Penned by

Princess Celestia of Equestria

And

Smog, the Chieftest and Greatest of Calamities, Esq.’

A snort escaped Purple Heart and he placed the folder back into the cabinet and shut the drawer, noting the ‘D’ on the drawer itself. He moved back the way he’d come down the row and stopped at a drawer marked with a ‘C’. He pulled it open and peered inside. A few strings emerged from his shoulder and went to work poking through the files. All the folders started with a ‘see-oh’s. Stepping several cabinets down, he opened another drawer while his strings shut the other drawer and paged through the current one. He’d found the ‘see-are’s. As he searched, he noted several files starting with the word ‘Crystal’, but he found none in regard to crystal caves in Yakyakistan or anywhere else in Equestria.

“Maybe ‘mining’ will yield better results,” he muttered, replacing the folder and trotting deeper into the room. It took a minute of steady walking for him to reach the first ‘em’ and another for him to reach the ‘em-eye’s.

“Mining, mining, mining, mining...” Purple Heart mumbled to himself as he flipped through drawer after drawer. “Aha! Mining… Next one… Next one… nothing… Well, meh.” He had nearly closed the drawer when he saw a file hidden behind all the others.

“Mining?” he asked hopefully, pulling it out. He blinked. “Mission File… for Operation ARGUS...” He shoved the folder back into the drawer and moved on, not even bothering to close it as he opened several drawers at once with his threads and rifled through the folders within. He scanned each header as quickly as he could before returning them and bringing up the next.

Finally, he found what he was looking for.

‘Mission File of Operation WOMP [Wrangling Of Miscreant Pests]’

Purple Heart blinked and pulled the file out of the drawer, not even bothering to keep his place. He flicked the folder open with a thread and found a solitary page.

Commanding Officer: Colonel Hathi

Secondary Officers: Major Hannibal, Captain Horton

Task Force: 5th Pachyderm Brigade

Mission Objective: Remove womprat infestation from Southern Badlands

Mission Operator: [Redacted]

Mission Issue Date: [Redacted]

Mission Status: Aborted

Task Force Status: MIA

“Huh,” he hummed. “Explains why they’re still out there… They’re thought lost...”

“Hey! I found it!” Spike called from in front of him. Purple Heart blinked, shaking his head as he looked up to see Spike jumping between the cabinets, brandishing a folder.

“Where?” Purple Heart asked, closing his own folder.

“In the ‘why’ section,” Spike replied. “Along with a bunch of other stuff about Yakyakistan. Dunno why I didn’t think to look there first.”

“Maybe you should talk to Twilight about revamping the filing system,” the purple earth pony mused.

“Yeah,” Spike agreed. “Anyways, you’re free to go. Pinkie is expecting you at Sugar Cube Corner within the next hour.”

Purple Heart nodded mechanically. “Right.” He held out the folder in his strings to Spike. “Give that to Twilight. She’ll understand.” He turned and walked away, not seeing Spike’s look of surprise at the floating folder. He didn’t hear the small dragon’s cry of shock when the threads closed the drawers he’d left open. And he didn’t see Spike staring after him as he closed the door without touching it.

* * *

“Thanks again for offering to help me with this.” Spike said, taking the book that Light Patch was holding out to the dragon.

“Not a problem. I’m just happy Twilight’s outta the castle for a bit. I was starting to get cabin fever, what with being stuck in that room,” Light Patch said, looking through the books to find the next sequential serial number to go up.

“Yeah, I hear you. I love Twilight, but Celestia help you if you get sick in her care. She hovers like a pegasus around you all of the time. And that was before she became an alicorn,” Spike said with a laugh as he straightened up the books higher up on the shelves. He turned to look back to the pegasus on the ground. “Is that all for the six hundreds?” he asked, receiving a nod in response.

“Guess we’re off to the seven hundreds,” Light commented.

“Nine hundreds actually.” Spike slid down the ladder and started to shift it over. Light Patch followed, lookingat the various book stacks.

“How often do you end up doing this alone?”

“Enough to have my own method for doing it,” Spike replied, locking the ladder in place and climbing up. “Okay, ready for the nine hundreds.” He turned and held out a hand for the first book.

“So, what do you generally end up doing while Twilight and Co. are off saving the world?” Light Patch asked, getting the next couple of books ready to hoof up to Spike.

“Chores, duh,” they both said at the same time. The two of them chuckled, then Spike continued. “Most of my spare time ends up with my comic collection or hanging out with some of the others around my age here in Ponyville. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, Button Mash, Rumble. Or just going out and walking around town. Kinda just whatever strikes my fancy, really.” Spike shrugged as he put the next few books into place. “What about you? how do you generally fill your spare time?” He looked down, claws extended to take the new series of books. “You know, when you're not busy being tormented by whatever strange magic decides to mess with you.”

“Games mostly,” Light Patch replies with a shrug. “Sometimes writing, maybe a smidge of art.” He paused to look through the stack for the next book. “Wow, you have a lot of nine hundred books.”

“Yeah. Most of the Daring Do books are in the nine hundreds. A lot of fiction books tend to fall in this category too.” Spike half shrugs, shifting books to make room for more on the shelf.

“Huh... You know, I’ve always wondered about the Dewey Decimal system used in my home world, but never really got around to it. You mind explaining the system used here?”

“Yeah, sure. So, the big thing to know is that fiction tends to fall around nine hundred to one thousand two hundred with most of them really slotting in around nine hundred. Because historical fiction is clearly never going to replace frivolous full fiction,” Spike said mockingly. “And then you hav-”

“Frack, there was a six hundred book hiding in the nine hundreds,” Light Patch said, pulling a book out of the stack and flipping it around to show Spike.

“Figures. I thought I’d finally managed to avoid that too. I always presort my stacks because unlike Twilight, I have to climb up the ladder and then back down it,” The young dragon muttered as he angrily climbed down the ladder.

“Yeah, work smarter, not harder,” Light Patch replied.

“Exactly,” Spike declared, looking at the pegasus and the book and then the top of the six hundred shelf. “Hey, did you ever learn to use those wings of yours?” Spike cautiously asked.

“Well... I was able to do short hops with them and a little bit of flying, but I never had a lot of time to ‘get gud’ as Wits’d say.”

“Hah! Twilight took a couple of months before she could even hover off the ground for any decent length of time. You can certainly manage a short trip up and down. It’ll save us time from having to move the ladder and stuff.”

Light Patch tentatively picked up the book and opened up his wings. With a couple of test flaps, he found nothing wrong and then started to flap again, this time faster with the intent of lifting himself off the ground.

“Anyday you wanna get started,” Spike said, looking at the pegasus stallion barely off the ground enough at that point to get a claw under him.

“Hey, either sprout your own wings and learn to fly or let me do this at my own pace. This’ll be the first time I’ve ever flown.” With that, Light Patch thought back to the smidge of flight training Rainbow had tried to give him during the game when they’d found a few spare moments. He ascended higher and higher until found himself drawing level with the shelf.

“Finally,” Spike snarked. “That only took all day.”

“Hey! This is my first flight, okay? And I’m still healing from being injured! So excuse me for being kind of cautious with heerrk~” Light’s words were cut off by a pained scream as one of his wings suddenly cramped up. He dipped sideways and smacked into the bookshelf with enough force to cause several books to fall, one of them knocking Light Patch out of the air. When he hit the ground at the base of the book shelf, more books rained down from it, burying the pegasus.

Spike rushed up and started to dig through the books. “Oh, please don’t be dead! Twilight’s gonna get mad if she hears about me killing somepony with snark! Especially seeing as how snarky she’s gotten lately! Oh man, that’d lead to a full on meltdown!” Spike paused as the theater of his mind acted out just how things might go down. Moments later, the play was finished and Spike went back to dig through the pile, this time with renewed fanaticism.

One of Light Patch’s hoofs shot up, dislodging itself from the pile of books. Spike grasped it and pulled, helping the pegasus extract himself from the book pile.

“So much for taking it easy today,” Light muttered, rubbing a sore spot on his side.

Spike’s gaze fell on the pile of books then drifted up along the shelf devoid of all but one book.

“Well at least we got that book up right?” He turned to Light Patch and squinted at the weak grin on the pegasus’ face. Then gravity once again proved it’s cruelty and the last book teetered off the shelf to join the pile. Spike eyed Light Patch.

“Okay, at least the disaster was localized to just this shelf,” the pegasus pointed out.

“It’s probably good that Rainbow wasn’t here or this would have somehow resulted in every book falling off,” Spike sighed. With a grunt, the young dragon started shoving the pile of books so that he could move the ladder back.

“Guess I wasn’t ready to fly yet,” Light Patch said, trying to sort the books by shelf again. “Sorry.” Spike finished locking the ladder in place before turning to look at the grey pegasus.

“Don’t apologise. I pushed you into it.” With that, the dragon was about to tell him to start dealing with the lower shelves while he worked on the upper shelves but noticed the way that he was holding one of his wings fairly rigid as well as the more prominent limp in one of his rear legs. A shakiness was also present that wasn’t there at the start of the day. “You know... I think I can finish up here. After all, it’s not like the whole library was de-shelved.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Besides, you are supposed to still be taking it easy. If Nurse Redheart or Twilight saw that happen, you’d be forced back into bed and left there until better,” Spike continued as he started sorting the pile and re-shelving the books on the bottom shelves.

Light Patch limped over to a small pile of pillows and sprawled across them. “I think I’ll lay here and keep you company. It’s only fair after having caused the extra work.”

“I won’t argue against the company, but don’t stick around because you feel guilty, alright?” Spike said, shifting more books around.

“Course not,” Light Patch said with a smile to hide his guilt.

* * *

“What possessed that little candlestick lighter to give me a task involving customer service?” Purple Heart growled under his breath. He looked down at the pink apron hanging down his chest and grimaced.

“I have no problems wearing pink,” he grumbled. “But did it have to be neon?!”

“Of course not, silly!” Pinkie chirped, pronking over to the purple earth pony. “That’s just the only one we could find that fit you!”

“Ahuh. How long do I have to do this?”

“For the day!” Pinkie grinned up at him. “A full sixteen hours!”

“Great. Sponge Hours.” Purple Heart crossed his forelegs on the counter and sunk onto them, eyes drifting lazily around the empty shoppe. Occasionally, a pony would walk by the window, peer at the confections on display, lock eyes with Purple Heart’s slothful gaze, then immediately move along. An uncharacteristic frown settled onto Pinkie Pie’s face after the fifth potential customer walked past without even looking inside.

“Couldn’t you at least smile?” the pink earth pony groused. “Ponies won’t feel welcome when they see you if you don’t smile!”

“That’s the point.”

Pinkie’s frown deepened. “At this rate, I’ll have to get a mask for you to cover that sour look,” she muttered.

“By all means, go ahead.”

Pinkie’s frown became a rare scowl. “You’re being really cynical today.”

“I’m always cynical,” Purple Heart replied. “I’m also an introvert. Trying to get me out of my house to socialize is like pulling a tooth; only one person is in pain and the other is a sadist. I don’t ‘go out’ as the young ponies would put it. I’m quite happy staying home and minding my own business.”

“Hmm… You aren’t making this Friendship Lesson easy.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “I’m lazy.”

“Too lazy to have fun?”

The purple stallion cocked his head to one side, considering the question. “Fun?”

“Yeah. Fun. You know, doing something you find joyful or amusing?”

“I know what fun is and what it means,” Purple Heart retorted. “I just find it hard to believe this job can be ‘fun’.” He lifted his hooves and made air quotes.

“Of course it can be fun!” Pinkie cried, waving her hooves over her head. “Baking is fun-”

“We’re not baking.”

“-decorating is fun-”

“Not doing that either.”

“-and tasting is the most fun of all!”

“Yet here we are: sitting behind a counter, waiting for a customer to come in so that we can serve them.” Purple Heart glanced at the incredulous pink earth pony. “Customer service isn’t my idea of fun. Especially if they’re a Maren.”

Pinkie blinked. “A wat?”

“You’ll know one when you see one.” Purple Heart settled onto his forelegs again and went back to nudging ponies away from the door with his strings.

Another five ponies passed.

Then it became ten.

Then fifteen.

Twenty.

Thirty.

Pinkie’s eye started twitching at thirty-three and was marching out the door at thirty-four.

Purple Heart blinked in surprise when the thirty-fifth pony became customer one. The poor unicorn was shivering under Pinkie’s glare as she dragged the hapless colt through the door and placed them firmly in front of Purple Heart.

“HELP. HIM.”

“...Do I have to?”

Pinkie’s glare intensified and both colts shivered.

Purple inhaled deeply and exhaled a gust of breath. Then he fixed a half smile on his face and addressed the customer.

“Good afternoon,” he greeted cordially. “Is there something I can help you all with?”

“Y-yes please,” the colt stammered. “I’d l-l-like th-three cupcakes, p-p-p-p-p-lease.”

Pinkie Pie watched on, intrigued, as Purple Heart’s countenance shifted almost imperceptibly.

“Sure,” the purple earth pony replied. “Any particular kind or would you like Chef’s Choice?”

“O-one chocolate ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-”

“Chocolate chip?”

“Yes, p-p-please.”

“And the other two?”

“M-mint, please, and da-da-da-da-da-”

“Darjeeling?

“That’s the o-one.”

“Excellent.” Purple Heart moved to where the cupcakes were held behind the counter and boxed up the requisite product. “Anything else for you today?” He placed the box before the unicorn.

“N-no, th-th-thank you.”

“What about ringing him up?” Pinkie asked leadingly. Purple Heart and the unicorn looked at her. Then at each other. Purple Heart broke eye contact to blink once at Pinkie.

“I don’t know how to work the till.”

Pinkie Pie squinted at the innocent looking purple colt and ground out, “Fair enough.” With the deftness of having done the same motions repeatedly for years, the colt was checked out in record time, returning the shoppe back to a silent environment.

Until Purple Heart spoke.

“Why did Twilight see fit to have Spike saddle me with a task such as this? I’ve yet to understand how this is a friendship lesson.”

“Being nice to ponies of course! Having fun with ponies!” Pinkie pressed her forehead against Purple Heart’s. “Making friends with ponies!”

Purple Heart laughed. “Friends?” he echoed. “As if I could make friends in such a short amount of time.”

“It doesn’t take long at all,” Pinkie urged. “All it starts with is a simple, ‘Hiya!’”

“Really?” the purple pony drawled. “That simple?”

“Yup!”

“Bullcarp.”

Pinkie sighed. “Well, lucky for you, everypony else is busy keeping track of your two friends, so you’re stuck here with me for the rest of the day!”

A loud groan reverberated from within the purple colt’s chest. “The rest of the day? All fifteen and a half hours?”

“Until we’ve sold at least half the stock,” Pinkie amended. “At the rate ponies are walking by, I’d say we’ll be here for a while.” A devilish grin flashed across the cheery pony’s face and Purple Heart blanched.

“R-right,” he stammered. Maybe the strings were a bit too much.

Wait. The Strings.

Purple Heart willed a string up from his foreleg and peered speculatively at it.

Maybe… it may be possible, he thought to himself. With a silent shrug, he grinned into his forelegs. Why not? If anything, it’ll be good practice of control.

Resolved, Purple Heart cleared his throat, making Pinkie turn to him. “I don’t think we’ll see a rush anytime soon,” he said, lifting his forelegs up to stretch. “You can go on a break or something. I’ll be fine.”

Pinkie Pie squinted skeptically at the purple earth pony for several long seconds. A bead of sweat slid down the back of Purple Heart’s neck, hoping against all hope that the energetic mare would take the bait.

Having scrutinized Purple Heart for far longer than was necessary, Pinkie grinned widely.

“Okay then!” She pulled off her apron and pronked around the counter. “I’m gonna go have lunch with Twi! If you need me, just scream really loud! Okay?”

Purple Heart grinned, crossing two strings behind his back. “Okay,” he returned. “Have a good lunch.” The words had barely left his mouth and Pinkie was already out the door and down the street.

After a few minutes of waiting in case the pink menace returned, Purple Heart stepped around the counter and peered out the window. A smattering of ponies were scattered along the street and none of them were looking at Sugarcube Corner. Two tugs of his strings later and the blinds shielded him from the outside world. Purple Heart then turned and stood in the center of the shoppe’s service floor.

“Now,” he muttered, “let’s begin.” Dozens of strings burst from his back and quickly filled Sugarcube Corner with a dull green light as they collected every single piece of product in the tiny store. Pushing his desires into the strings, Purple Heart grinned as the back entrance opened, letting the strings and their cargo burst into the sky to hunt their respective quarries. Ten minutes later, the strings all returned to a heavily breathing Purple Heart, now laden with denominations of bits coin.

Wiping sweat from his brow, Purple Heart grinned widely.

“Mission accomplished,” he said, taking a hesitant step towards the counter. His legs didn’t like the sudden shift in weight and collapsed, leaving the purple colt swearing up a storm on the floor. Again, strings appeared from his body, this time to support his limbs as he struggled to his hooves. The exertion required to control so many strings had surprised him.

“Definitely gonna have to work on that,” he gasped, walking around the counter. Strings stretched from his shoulder and grabbed an unfolded box while another grabbed a thick marker. After several sluggish attempts, Purple Heart managed to make a legible message that he then set in the display window. On it read:

No admittance except on party business.

We are out of product today.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

His attempts at a second message were far less sluggish and took only two tries before something legible was penned:

Sold out. Going out.

PH

Communiques completed, Purple Heart’s strings dragged him out of Sugarcube Corner and back to his room in Twilight’s castle where a bed and sleep awaited.

* * *

“Alright, so.” Rainbow Dash paced in front of Wits End, talking not exactly at him but more in his direction. “Your little magic trick kicked off some shenanigans here in our sleepy little burg. As such, it only seems fitting that your new mission be-”

“Hang on,” Wits cut in. “Are you imitating Spitfire right now?”

The cyan pegasus stopped in her tracks. “N-no.” One long beat passed. “Alright, fine, yes! But only because no-pony else is giving you as much grief for lobbing a boulder at the town as they should be! I buzz the Mayor’s house one time, and I get chewed out for an hour! But you? A slap on the hooves and a warning.” Her rambling devolved into grumbling.

Wits held his hooves up in a placating motion. “Hey, you heard Twilight. I’m basically a toddler with incredible cosmic powers, remember?” He tapped the band around his horn for emphasis, which shot off a few sparks in response. “Blimey!”

“That probably ain’t good.”

“Maybe we can stop by Twilight’s for a quick check-up?”

“Nah, I got a better idea.”

“And what’s that?”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Until I say so, you don’t get to use magic.”

“What? Come on! That’s…” Wits thought for a moment. “...exactly how I am 99.999% of the time. Okay, outrage retracted.”

“Awesome. Now, as I was saying. Our job, or rather YOUR job, is to survey the damage caused to the marketplace and help out however we, or rather YOU, can.”

“Aye aye, captain.” Wits started walking towards where the boulder had landed, with the pegasus hovering at his shoulder. “So, how come you’re the one supervising me on this? I figured Applejack would be more of the clean-up and containment type. Did you draw the short straw or something?”

“Hah. Hah hah.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes dramatically. “No, smartalec. I volunteered because the rest of us were busy recovering after dealing with the other two morons.”

Wits’ mouth formed a thin line. “They did that badly, huh?”

“I think Twilight was considering writing official apology letters.” The cyan pegasus paused. “But, uh, don’t tell her I told you that. I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to tell you guys how each other’s doing.”

“Controlled experiments, huh? Fair enough.” The two ponies entered the marketplace, taking in the large stone standing in its center, as well as the sizable crater around it. “Woah, who added the post-modern art exhibit?”

“You did,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

“...Oh, yeah. Yep, that is Scootaloo’s helmet up there. Hang on, I’ll go grab it.” Wits trotted up to the boulder and attempted to scale it, only to fall off immediately. “On second thought, she can get it herself. It’s pretty easy to see.”

Rainbow Dash jabbed her forehoof up at the helmet. “Nope. You go climb that, and you get the helmet. It’s your fault, so either you return it, or you get her a new one.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have any bits for a new one.” Wits chuckled. “Good times.”

“Then you’d better get climbing. No magic, by the way.”

“What am I, a crossdressing Han soldier? Couldn’t you weigh me down with some discipline and strength instead?” Wits sighed, and turned back to the boulder. After taking a moment to size up his task and identify some hoofholds, he cracked his neck and started climbing again. It was slow going, what with hooves not being built for climbing, but after a few minutes Wits felt like he was starting to make some good progress. “How’m I doing? Almost at the top?”

Rainbow Dash stared at the unicorn, utterly unimpressed by the 2 feet off the ground he was currently at. “Oh yeah,” she said flatly. “You’re a regular Edmund Haylary.”

“Look, you’re not gonna get a Ten-zinger like that past me.” Wits hopped up onto an outcropping, leaning against the face of the boulder next to the embedded helmet. “Anypony else crave… mineral?” He tugged on the headgear a couple of times. “Hey, Dashie?”

“Don’t call me that. What is it?”

“Can I use magic if the helmet is stuck?”

“Is it stuck?”

He tugged at it again to no avail. “Well it sure ain’t unstuck.”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Fine. But just to get the helmet out, okay? I don’t want you breaking that magic whatever that keeps you from brainwashing everypony.”

“You got it, boss.” Wits focused, summoning the pair of magical hands again. “Now, just very carefully pry the helmet out…” One hand held onto the exposed part of the headpiece, while the other jabbed at the rock around it with one finger. Each jab knocked loose a piece of stone, exposing more of the helmet. “You know, these magic hands are pretty useful. Seems like the force they exert isn’t limited by the objects they’re interacting with.”

“Yeah, sure. Just don’t get cocky with them.”

“I won’t, horse-mom. Geez.” Wits was silent for a moment. “But I bet I could clear this whole boulder away with them. One good jab, and I think I could bring the whole thing-” The hand doing the jabbing suddenly curled into a fist, smashing through stone. Wits had a moment to yelp before tumbling back to the ground, and he was soon buried under the remains of the boulder.

“Wits!” Rainbow dashed over to the pile of debris, looking for any sign of the unicorn. “Wits? Give me a sign, dude! Aww geez, Twilight’s gonna kill me!”

Wits’ hoof shot through the rubble; Scootaloo’s helmet perched on top. “Got it!” he called, his voice muffled by the layer of rocks covering him.

Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. “Thank Celestia. You gotta be more careful with those things, man! I thought you were a goner.”

“So did I for a bit, but only while my life was flashing before my eyes.” Wits chuckled. “Well, at least nothing else can go wrong.”

Out of a shadowy alleyway, a small dark figure darted into the open. In a flash, it had crossed the marketplace grounds and, in one swift movement, snatched the helmet out of Wits’ hoof as it ran by.

There was silence for a moment. “I can’t see anything under here,” Wits’ muffled voice said, empty hoof waving slowly. “Did you just take the helmet?”

“Get out here!” Rainbow Dash grabbed his outstretched hoof, dragging him out from under the rocks and pointing at the retreating figure. “Alright, buddy. Time to be a hero and stop that thief. I’ll chase after him and force him towards Town Hall. You head straight there and set up an ambush so we can-”

Wits held up a hoof. “Hold that thought for just one moment.” One of his magic hands hefted a melon-sized piece of the boulder, reeled back, and hurled it down the street. The stone hurtled through the air, punching through a large mirror two stallions were moving. The thief had just enough time to turn and wonder what the shattering sound was when they were bowled over by the projectile, knocking the helmet out of their grasp and sending them sailing through a wooden wall. And the wall on the other side. And the wall on the other side of that one.

With a wave of his still raised hoof, Wits sent the other hand down the road, weaving around the two stallions and the remains of their shattered mirror to gently pluck the helmet from the ground and bring it back to him. He turned back to Rainbow Dash, a grin on his face. “Well, we did it,” he said proudly, ignoring the distant crashing sounds of the thief’s continued flight.

Rainbow Dash did her best to pick her jaw up off the ground. “Did what?” she eventually managed.

Wits held up the helmet triumphantly. “We saved the day!” In the distance, a small explosion lit the horizon. Wits and Dash, along with most of the other ponies in the marketplace, stared at the mushroom-shaped cloud of dust forming. After a moment, Wits lowered the helmet. “I failed this friendship lesson, didn’t I.”

“Oh yeah.” Rainbow Dash squinted as the blastwave of the explosion kicked up hot air and dust around them. A wagon wheel bounced between them, careening into an abandoned market stall. “Big time.”

* * *

Light Patch slowly became aware of a swaying sensation as he slowly left the state of sleeping he’d occupied. “Huh, whymI onna boat?” he mumbled, his eyes closed as he tried to block out the sun trying to find his closed eyes with the weird fibrous apple smelling pillow.

“Yer not on a boat,” Applejack said.

“Oh... kay, I’mma go back to sleep then,” Light Patch said, trying to roll over deeper into the sheets. Instead, he fell off the bed and onto what felt like dirt, grass, and mud instead of hard, unyielding stone. It was then that a few questions sparked into his mind. “Applejack?”

“Yes?”

“I have a few questions but I’ll start with ‘why are you in my bedroom’?” The stallion asked, eyes still closed.

“I ain’t in your bedroom.”

“Ah... That actually answers a few of them… and raises a few more. Such as, ‘why am I not in my bedroom’?”

“Y’know how Twilight wants us to keep you colts busy for a bit til you settle in here a little more?” She waited for him to nod before continuing. “Well, a perfect opportunity came up. Ah and somepony else need help settling something, and you’re supposed to take it easy and thinkin comes real easy to you. So, I got you and was bringing you on over to where the help is needed.”

“While I was still asleep.” Light Patch stated.

“Ah tried to wake ya, but ya were deep asleep. So I just brought you over and figured you’d wake up eventually,” She said happily, ignoring the glare he gave her. Light Patch stood up and looked right at Applejack.

“Here’s my advice: you and whoever you are arguing with can take a long walk off a short pier. That’ll fix everything. I’m going back to bed.” He turned, intent on collapsing on a feather mattress when Applejack caught him by the chest and forced him to start walking with her towards some point on the farm past the Apple Family house.

“And here I thought you were the nice one.”

“No, ma’am. Nice stops at midnight. What time is it anyway? Beyond Ungodly Early O’clock?”

“About an hour til sunrise. When does ‘nice’ start again?”

“Eight or breakfast, whichever comes first. So what am I helping you with?”

“Carrot Top and I just found out that the lines between her vegetable fields and my family’s orchard were off some land she just bought. Apparently, it's actually partly my family’s,” Applejack replied.

“So split the land down the middle and call it a day. Bam, problem solved. I’m going back to bed, which you took me out of far earlier than is polite.”

“Yer not really letting that go, are ya?”

“No.”

“Well, too bad, because yer not goin’ back yet. It wouldn’t make economic sense to just split the land down the middle. Trees take a while to grow and-”

“Vegetables profit in bulk,” a new voice said as a new pony join the pair. Light Patch turned and found himself looking at a yellow coated mare with a carrot orange mane and tail. “You two were taking a while so I figured I’d meet you halfway.”

“Sorry about that, Carrot Top. It took me longer than I thought to get my friend out here to help.”

“It’s fine.” Carrot Top turned to look at Light Patch. “You got any ideas as a third party?”

“Pay the bits and buy the land from Applejack?”

“No way. I already spent a bunch of bits buying all of the land and I can’t get a hold of the pony who sold it to me. I’m not throwing any more bits into this,” she denied, grinding a hoof in the ground. Light Patch turned to look at Applejack.

“I don’t suppose being the bigger mare and giving her the land is an option?”

“Ah ain’t Rarity. Ah’m not giving away any of my orchard’s land without compensation. And it also sets a dangerous precedent should we get any more surprises with property borders,” Applejack explained.

“Well, what were you both going to do with the land?”

“Plant more trees,” Applejack answered.

“I was going to build up some shade structures and try to plant some crops that need more shade than my regular fields need.” Carrot Top frowned as she looked at the field now that they were near it. “You know, there isn’t any reason you can’t embody more than one element.” She gave a sidelong glance towards Applejack.

“And you can just eat the loss of most of the bits and just plant what you can and try to recoup your losses,” Applejack shot back.

“You wouldn’t just sit down and deal with this if it happened to you, so why should I?” Carrot Top retorted, her tone verging on shouting.

“And you wouldn’t just give up land without some kind of compensation, so why should ah?!” Applejack matched Carrot’s volume and then some.

“You're being unreasonable! You’re her friend! Tell her… Where’d he go?” Carrot Top blinked, looking around for Light Patch. Applejack too noticed he wasn’t next to them and started looking around as well.

“I’m over here in the shade of the trees,” Light Patch called from where he sat in the shade. He was fighting to think in the heat and the shade was helping. It also worked to put him back to sleep. “The sun is bright and it’s not even up, but it’s already starting to feel like the middle of the day in summer.”

Carrot Top noticed the sun was shining directly on where she and Applejack had started to argue. She decided to follow Light Patch’s example and join him in the shade when a thought crawled into her head. “Applejack, how long would it take for saplings to start providing shade?”

“From seed, it’d be about three years for them to start casting enough shade to be worth it. Saplings or smaller trees? Maybe a year or less. We could also try to encourage them to grow out a bit more than normal,” Applejack rattled off. A curious look settled on her face as she peered at the other mare..

“What if we both use this field? Your apple trees making shade for my vegetables,” Carrot Top suggested.

“It’d take some effort but… I reckon we could make it work,” Applejack agreed, rubbing her chin in thought. Light Patch just sat in the shade and watched, settling for listening to the two mares hammer out the details of their plan. Without him.

“Cool,” he sighed. “Failed to help again.” He grunted, heaving himself to his hooves and started to trudge back towards Ponyville. “Whatever. I’m going back to bed. And maybe try to find my glasses.”

“I’ll get my brother out here after lunch and we’ll hammer out a tree pattern then. In the meantime, I figure I owe Light Patch some grub for helping us out with being the seed to your inspiration there… And maybe kidnapping him from his bed.” Applejack rubbed the back of her head sheepishly at the look that Carrot Top gave her. Promising to be back in time for lunch, Carrot Top set off back to her house. Applejack turned towards the shade Light Patch had been in and found a noticeable lack of Light Patch.

“Huh... Where’d he go off to??”

* * *

Twilight trotted into the map room, bags under her eyes from long hours writing apology letters. “Well,” she sighed, taking a place near the rest of the mares, “I’m sure there’s ways that could have gone worse.”

“Name one,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

“Look, it ain’t as bad as y’all’re makin’ it out to be,” Applejack said. “It ain’t like they blew up the town or nothin.”

“Maybe Light Patch didn’t,” the cyan pegasus shot back, “but you didn’t have to spend the day apologizing to every pony in sight for a freakin’ boulder!”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t Wits End also apologize?”

“Yeah, after destroying a ton of property! Including Trixie’s wagon! Do you know how hard it was to apologize to Trixie the Freaking Magnificent? He blew up her wagon, Rarity! I was two inches away from giving her a free pass on conquering Ponyville to make up for it!” Rainbow Dash slumped into a chair, visibly deflating as exhaustion won out over anger.

Twilight frowned. “I wish I’d stuck around while the CMC were working with him. Maybe I could’ve found a way to keep his magic from going haywire like that.”

Rainbow Dash growled. “It wasn’t ‘haywire’, Twilight. He just… I don’t know. Went too far? It’s like… his magic was working on its own, or something. There was what he wanted and then what his magic wanted. Is that a unicorn thing?”

“Not exactly…” Twilight thought for a moment. “I’ll have to look into it. Maybe it has something to do with his human brain interacting with his pony magic instincts. What about the other two? I didn’t have to write nearly as much for them, so I assume it went… better?”

“Well, Light Patch and I reshelved a bunch of the returned books from the last week or so, and we redid all of the six hundred shelves,” Spike chimed in.

“But the six hundred shelves only had a Rainbow rating of point three,” Twilight commented. Rainbow sat a little prouder, assuming that the system was named for her.

“Rainbow rating?” Rarity questioned.

“Twilight made a measurement system to tell how out of place books end up from when ponies pull a book, read a page, put it back, but in the wrong place.” Spike looked out of the side of his eyes towards the Rainbow maned mare. “I’m still not sure where the name came from. In any case, the shelf had a rating of zero point zero after I… uh, ‘talked’ Light Patch into trying to fly up and put a book up there. His wing cramped and knocked all of the books off the shelf.” Spike cringed, looking more and more sheepish as Twilight glared harder.

“I never did get much of a chance to teach him to fly,” Rainbow said, trying to not think about her own experiences with wing cramps.

“Did he also help you reshelve despite the fact he’s supposed to take it easy?” Twilight asked, ignoring Rainbow’s statement and trying to not grind her teeth.

“No!” Spike quickly replied. “I convinced him to take it easy. He did stick around, but I think he blamed himself for what happened.”

“Huh, maybe that's why he went an’ disappeared,” Applejack mused.

“Who disappeared?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“Light Patch. Ah know ya wanted to keep them from just lazin’ around and ah had something early yesterday mornin’ for him to, uh, help with,” Applejack explained.

“Your early, darling, or non-farmer early?” Rarity asked.

“Farmer early.”

“I’m surprised he was up that early,” Rarity hummed. “He strikes me as a late morning kind of pony.” She tapped her chin contemplatively.

“He, uh, wasn’t.” Applejack admitted just barely loud enough for the others to hear.

“You mean you ponynapped him?!” Twilight shouted.

“Well, ah was gonna give him some breakfast,” the orange mare defended herself quickly before clearing her throat and continuing, “but after he inspired Carrot Top with how to fix our issue, when ah went to drag him to breakfast, he was just gone. Ah wonder if he thought he’d failed to help.” A groan of frustration dragged everyone’s attention to Twilight who’d facedesked.

“Great so we have one losing control of his magic and another who’s starting to feel like a failure. Can we go three for three for them acting weird?” She said, her voice muffled by the table.

“I don’t know about acting ‘weird’, but Purple Heart did something that wasn’t ‘normal’,” Spike piped up. “He helped me hunt for a folder you asked me to bring you. Y’know, the treatise on Yakyakistan Mining whatever the hay?”

Twilight nodded. “You put it on my desk during my lunch hour along with a folder regarding something he asked me to look into as a favor.”

“Yeah, those,” Spike said. “He didn’t help me much with the Yakyakistan Mining, but on the way out, he somehow shut all the filing drawers and the door.”

“I don’t know a lot about Purple Heart as an individual, but that doesn’t seem like something out of the ordinary,” Rarity interrupted. “With an impressive presence or strong enough wings, any pegasus can do that.” She blinked. “Only he’s not a pegasus.”

“He closed with telekinesis,” Spike deadpanned.

Twilight fell out of her chair. “HE DID WHAT?!” she squawked from the floor. The princess of Friendship clambered back into her seat and stared dumbstruck at Spike. “TELEKINESIS?!”

Rainbow raised a hoof. “What’s telekinesis for the non-nerds here?”

“Telekinesis is an alleged mental ability that allows a being to move physical objects without touching them,” Fluttershy recited. She smiled weakly. “Sometimes I get tired of reading stories to my animals.” The mares accepted her explanation and reacted promptly.

“I thought Purple Heart wasn’t a unicorn,” Rarity said. “Nor was he a mage in Discord’s game. Did something happen while they were in Limbo?”

“Probably,” Applejack agreed. “Though, if anypony was gonna have the power to move things with his mind, ah’d’ve thought of Wits first.”

“Spike, did anything else happen while Purple Heart was helping find those folders?” Fluttershy inquired. The little dragon shrugged.

“He was pretty quiet. Mutter a few bad words a few times, dropped a file folder, and kept to himself until I hollered I’d found the right file. When I walked up to him, he didn’t say much beyond giving me the second folder and told me to give it to you and that you’d understand. Then he left. Closed everything.” He squinted as he tried to think back to the event in question. “Now that I think about it, there was a soft, green glow as he walked out.”

“Hmm… I’ll have to talk to him about that...” Twilight looked around at her friends. She prompted, “who’s ne-?”

“Purple Heart sucks at customer service!” Pinkie cried out.

Her outburst was met with silence.

“Ehm, Pinkie dear, that's not all that surprising. He isn’t the most polite pony there is,” Rarity pointed out.

“Yeah,” Rainbow agreed. “It’s kinda in his nature.”

Pinkie shook her head, her mane bouncing wildly. “He was really gruff with the customer. Granted, I pulled the sorry pony off the street, but he didn’t even offer any coupons or deals or anything!”

The other five mares looked at each other, not fully understanding the situation.

“I sent him to help Pinkie at Sugarcube corner,” Spike explained.

“Aah. Carry on then, Pinkie,” Twilight urged.

“Like I was saying, he being all gruff and stingy!” the pink mare continued. “He kept complaining about having to help ponies and got all up in hooves about how hard it is to make friends!”

“To be fair, he is not the easiest pony to get along with,” Rarity commented.

“Ah’ll say. He doesn’t go outta his way to make the experience easy.”

“Then,” Pinkie said, “and here’s the really weird part: he tells me to go on break and leave him ALONE.”

“Huh. Didn’t know he was that arrogant,” Rainbow muttered.

“And you left him alone?” Twilight asked flatly. Pinkie blinked.

“I mean… maybe?” the pink mare said.

Twilight groaned. “PINKIE. What did I tell everypony about leaving the colts unattended?!”

“‘Don’t’, but nothing happened!”

The other mares blinked. “What do you mean ‘nothing happened’?” Spike asked.

“I mean nothing bad happened,” Pinkie explained. “I went on break, came back a little while afterward, and the shoppe was EMPTY!”

Twilight glared. “HE WASN’T THERE?!”

“That too, but the shoppe was completely EMPTY!” Pinkie cried. “No bread in the front, no pastries in the back!”

“Ya mean… no product?” Applejack clarified.

“YES!” Pinkie danced happily. “Everything had been sold!”

“How do you know it wasn’t stolen?!” Rainbow demanded.

“There was a big pile of bits coins on the counter.”

“...”

“He doesn’t know how to use the till.”

“Y’know, that’s fair,” Applejack allowed. “But does anypony know where he went afterwards?”

“Maybe he came back to the castle?” Fluttershy offered.

“Why though?” Rarity asked. “He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be here. Why would he come back?”

“To sleep maybe?”

Twilight swore under her breath and wove a quick spell. Her eyes glowed bright for a second and she looked over at the map table. Hovering over it was a shimmering image of Purple Heart fast asleep in his room within the castle.

“Well, that answers that question,” Twilight muttered, writing several new lines in her notes.

Rarity leaned back in her seat. “So, let me see if I fully understand this situation. We have one colt with uncontrollable magic powers, one with what should be physically impossible magical abilities, and one who is… depressed? Am I the only one who feels that there’s a slight disconnect here?”

“Would ya rather Light Patch had some kinda uncontrollable, physically impossible magic?” Applejack asked.

“...Eugh.”

“That’s what Ah thought.”

“Maybe we should put them back under observation,” Twilight muttered. “There must be something I missed during my initial tests…”

“Hey, woah!” Rainbow Dash rocked forward, putting both hooves on the edge of the map. “If something is going on, wouldn’t locking them up just encourage them to go full bad guy? I mean, those guys didn’t have the strongest grasp on being the heroes in the first place, right?”

“Dashie’s right!” Pinkie piped up, ignoring the pegasus’ grumblings. “We just need to get them more comfortable with being ponies! At least, until Twilight can find a way to make them not ponies anymore!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “And how exactly do we do that?”

“Umm.” Fluttershy raised her hoof timidly. “What if we just… help them do pony things?”

“They ain’t doin’ pony things now?”

“Well… you did kind of ponynap Light Patch. That’s not very, um, pony-like.” Fluttershy turned to Pinkie. “And, um, well, interacting with many new ponies in a short amount of time isn’t really something I think Purple Heart would appreciate doing.”

“He did sell my whole stock, but I get your point.”

Rainbow Dash started hovering around the room, obviously anxious after keeping still for a whole minute. “And what about Wits? You wanna just let him drop the moon on Ponyville on accident?”

“Well, uh,” Fluttershy looked down at the ground, “if he did throw a moon on us, I would probably be very cross at him.”

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “And that’s supposed to stop him?” The rest of the mares stared at her, each one with one eyebrow cocked. “What?”

“Can you think of anypony better suited to keep Wits End in line than Fluttershy?” Rarity asked.

The cyan pegasus thought for a moment. “Okay, yeah, good point. But what about Twilight’s tests?”

“Why not test’m in the field?” Applejack asked.

Pinkie nodded energetically. “Yeah! I mean, don’t literally ponynap them and drag them out to a field, but I agree with the general idea!”

“Y’all really ain’t lettin’ up on that, are ya?”

“I guess that could work,” Twilight said. “Alright. Let’s take tomorrow and get them acclimated to being normal ponies. Out and about, carefully interacting with the rest of Ponyville, and all that. I’ll work on rigging up something to keep them from…”

“Dropping the moon on us?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Psychically puppeteering the entire town?” Spike said with a hint of excitement.

Applejack opened her mouth to add in, then slowly shut it. “Ah don’t know what ya’ll can rig up to keep Light Patch from being a mopey foal.”

“I’ll take care of that!” Pinkie proclaimed proudly.

“Oh, sweet Celestia, help him…”

Chapter 24: Ponypedia Will Not Be Counted As A Source

Twilight let out a long, tired sigh as she lay out face-down on the map table.

Rainbow Dash glanced side-long at the prostrate princess. “Still haven’t recovered from dealing with that Coltson guy, huh?

Twilight let out an even longer, more beleaguered sigh in response.

“And that's why we put him in the front office,” Just Duty said, pointing at Twilight.

“Yeah, fair enough.” Rainbow Dash looked around the room. Their group had been the first to get back and with Spike taking up Paladin Duty’s time and attention with a constant stream of questions about the Paladins of Equestria—some of which she had wanted to ask first—there wasn’t much for the rest of the girls to do until everypony else arrived. “Shouldn’t Rarity at least be here on time?”

With great effort, Twilight pulled her head up enough to stare at the pegasus with one eye.

Rainbow Dash shuttered. “Alright, fine.” She slid out of her seat and hovered towards the door. “I’m gonna go help Sunset raid the pantry. Her idea of ‘chocolate therapy’ doesn’t sound to ba-”

She was cut off by the thud of a book crashing into the map’s surface as Rarity draped herself into her chair. “I am sorry about being late, I was doing a bit of light reading.”

“Light reading?” Rainbow replied sardonically as she measured the book’s thickness with her hoof.

“Yes. It was that or give into the urge to make a wide brimmed red hat. Can you imagine me in a hat like that…” Rarity paused in thought. “I suppose I’d have to make a red trench coat to match. If I should make the coat. Which I will not!” She glared at a spot behind and slightly above her.

“What was that for?” Twilight asked, having pulled the book over to use as a pillow.

Spike looked up from his volume of Into the Paladin-verse; or as he called it, his research materials. “Are you seeing black and white panels with narration on them?

“No! It’s Light Patch! He’s been messing with me all day! I think his subtle hints weren’t as subtle as he hoped they were! He’s been trying to slow me down by annoying me or making me think of how stunning I’d look in red!”

“So do what you usually do and kick ‘im,” Rainbow replied with a shrug and a small frown as Twilight went back into her little funk.

“He learned to not stay still long enough after the first one,” Rarity replied casually.

“So he can learn,” Rainbow Dash mused, earning a small chuckle from Rarity. “Well, until the rest of the girls show up, I’ve got a date with Twilight’s chocolate stash.” She crossed quickly to the door. “I just hope Sunset hasn’t eaten all of the good-” She was cut off by a knock coming from the other side. “Oh, for the love of- Alright, who is it?” She turned the door handle.

The door shot open, taking the pegasus with it through most of the arc before she could let go. “Twilight!” Fluttershy called, panting heavily. “Twilight, I think- Oh, Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?”

Rainbow Dash held up a forehoof from where the door had deposited her. “Peachy,” she grumbled.

Fluttershy hesitated. “Sorry,” she said quickly before turning back to the map table. “Twilight!”

“Yeah, I heard you,” Twilight sighed. “What’s so important that you decided to almost take Rainbow out?”

“That was an accident.” Fluttershy turned back to the prone pegasus again. “Sorry.” Back to Twilight. “I think Wits End might be evil.”

“You’re just figuring this out now?” Twilight rolled over, trying to find the softest part of her book-pillow. “I thought his declaration that he was gonna become a villain was the first hint.”

Some of the fervor that had fueled Fluttershy’s entrance left her. “I… figured that was just Wits being Wits.”

Twilight found a particularly comfortable part of the tome and relaxed a bit. “In that case, I called him being evil from the very beginning. Finally, I’m vindicated for the Battle of Roads Crossed.”

“I think you still share half of the fault for that one, dear,” Rarity sniffed.

“Don’t harsh my victory,” Twilight sighed. The softness had gone out of her book again and taken her momentary good mood with it.

Fluttershy blinked. “I’m… I’m just going to sit down, I think.”

The door banged open just as Fluttershy reached her seat and the poor mare jolted in fear as Pinkie Pie and Applejack thundered in.

“Twilight! You won’t believe what happened!” Pinkie shouted excitedly, plopping a hefty sack on the floor. Twilight rolled her head back, sighing loudly as she looked at the ceiling.

“At this rate, I don’t know what to believe,” she groaned.

“We found Purple Heart!”

The group of mares, plus Spike, jerked to attention. “WHAT?!” they chorused.

“How’d you find him?!” Twilight demanded.

“Where was he?!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“Was it hard?” Fluttershy asked.

“What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Just Duty inquired calmly.

The mares blinked at the older stallion in confusion. “Huh?” Pinkie asked, cocking her head.

“Now that you’re all quiet, why don’t you ask your questions one at a time?” the Paladin suggested. “That way we’ll actually get an answer.”

“Sorry,” Rainbow and Fluttershy apologized.

“Where did you find him?” Rarity asked. “Not lurking around some swamp or otherwise inhospitable establishment?”

“We found him in Canterlot,” Applejack said. “He was at a party being held by Casus Belli, a-”

“Retired guard pony, I’ve heard of him,” Twilight interrupted. “What was he doing at a party at the Belli estate?”

“He managed to get into that show y’all were gettin’ bent outta shape about,” Applejack replied. “MacHawk or somethin’ like that.”

“And he’s in the bag...” Rarity trailed off. “Why?”

“He kept fighting back on the way,” Pinkie explained.

“And he wouldn’t fit in Pinkie’s hair,” Applejack elaborated.

“Aah. I see.”

Just Duty stepped over to Pinkie and Applejack and nudged the sack. “Why don’t we let him out and ask him a few questions? I think he’ll prefer being open to the air.”

“Good idea,” Pinkie concurred, yanking on the sack’s drawstring. Purple Heart tumbled out of the sack, gasping for breath.

“That,” he panted, “was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced!” He turned to his assailants. “What in Equestria was that for?!”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Twilight replied, expending incredible effort to drag herself off her chair and onto her hooves. “Running off like that? Do you know what you started?” She shook her head as she approached the purple pony. “No, that’s not fair. But still, running away just to headline a play being run by Discord? I’m amazed you stayed out of the paper at all.” She came to a stop, somehow managing to loom over the larger colt. “So, whose ‘strings’ did you have to pull to make that happen?”

Purple Heart stared up at the Princess of Friendship, and the decidedly unfriendly look in her eyes. He tried to swallow in a dry throat, fruitlessly licked his lips, and tried again. Eventually, he met her eyes. “What the absolute buck are you on about?”

“Don’t play coy now,” Twilight snapped back. “Or at least don’t insult me by pretending you didn’t get my little reference. I spent way too much time dealing with you three to get zero credit for that one. You’ve got some kind of magic that no Earth Pony has ever used, you used it to break a powerful magical item that was for your own protection, and then you somehow got wrapped up with the literal God of Chaos? You’d have to be more of an idiot than usual to think I wouldn’t…” She trailed off, looking deep into Purple Heart’s eyes. “More of an idiot,” she repeated.

Then, she slapped her forehoof onto her face. “Oh for the love of Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and me. You’re the wrong Purple Heart.”

Applejack blinked. “What?”

“Did he make a single quip while you two were bringing him here?” Twilight asked. “A single reference to something we wouldn’t get? Any demands about his last meal being sushi, for example?”

The two Earth Pony mares shared a glance. Applejack frowned. “Uhh…”

“What makes you think he’s the wrong Purple Bruise?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight pointed a forehoof at the increasingly incredulous stallion. “Because he hasn’t said anything to tick me off yet.”

“Ah.” Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“I don’t know what the Hades has gotten into you ponies, but you’ve obviously got the wrong colt,” Purple Heart said, glaring at the mares. “Sure, I may make references and like sushi a bit too much, but that doesn’t mean you can stuff me in a sack and drag me to a Princess of all things just because I was in a play.” He turned his gaze to Twilight. “Look, I get it. This production of MacHawk wasn’t the best. I should know! I’ve been in several! I don’t know what Discord was thinking with all the costuming and set pieces. I’m just an actor! I just gotta play the part to the best of my ability!” The purple colt heaved a heavy sigh. “Whatever colt you’re looking for, I hope he’s more understanding than I am, cos this is bucking ridiculous.”

He turned and took several steps towards the door only to pause and look over his shoulder. “I can leave, can’t I? Or am I gonna be held here any longer? Cos if that’s the case, I gotta let Violet know I’ll be home late.”

“We’ll make sure you can inform Violet, but since you’re here anyway and, assuming by the mixup that you appear to be a spitting image of the pony we are looking for, maybe you can tell us if you’d encountered another pony like yourself?” Just Duty asked, finally stepping into the conversation by blocking the door.

“That look exactly like me?” Purple Heart asked, looking at the stallion. “No, there are several I know who are similar but none that could really be mistaken for myself.”

Just Duty shrugged. “Either the pony isn’t there or is likely operating in disguise,” Paladin Duty frowned and looked at Spike who appeared to be in thought. “You don’t suppose it’s similar to Issue 567: Hidden to the Right?”

“Where the Tasker Master hides by leading the Paladins to a visual lookalike and then disguising themself when they go after the doppleganger?” Spike replied. “Yeah, I was thinking about that. But from what I’ve heard about Purple Heart, the Purple Heart we’re looking for,” the dragon amended at the look he got from the purple stallion in the room, “it doesn’t really sound like him. He’s always sounded to be more of a ‘punch it until it’s not a problem anymore’ kind of pony.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Rainbow chimed in.

“Still, it wouldn’t hurt,” Just Duty mused. “I don’t suppose you could give us a bit of a rundown on the ponies you’ve been working with in the play? Maybe focus on the ones you don’t know. But first, would you like to send that letter to Violet?.”

Purple Heart squinted at the Paladin for a few seconds then rolled his eyes over to Spike. “Would you please write a quick letter to Violet Heart in Snohomare?” he asked.

The small dragon frowned, folding his claws over his chest. “How do you know I can send letters with fire?”

Purple Heart perked up. “I didn’t, but is sending a letter via fire instantaneous?”

“Yeeeees?” Spike said slowly.

“Perfect!” the purple earth pony crowed. “Please send a letter to Violet Heart of Snohomare reading, I will be staying over with the cast tonight. Lock the doors and windows, there’s leftovers in the fridge, and be in bed by nine. Love, Purple. Got that?”

Spike cast a look at Twilight. The mare nodded assent. Spike pulled out a scroll and started writing.

“Now,” Just Duty rapped a hoof on the floor for attention, “were there any ponies in the production team for MacHawk that you didn’t recognize?”

“Yup.”

“...Would you care to elaborate?”

Purple Heart sighed. “I didn’t know the ponies playing Dunclaw, Featherbane, MacGruff, Roc, Porter, Medic-”

“Uhm, what about-”

“-half the crew, most of costuming, lighting-”

“That’s nice. Could you narr-”

“-catering, stage manager, director, or the assistant producer,” Purple Heart finished. He looked around at the stunned ponies. “What?”

“You don’t know any of those ponies?” Rarity asked, eyes wide with surprise.

“Well, yeh,” Purple Heart replied. “We didn’t use a solely local crew, so I didn’t know everypony.”

Rarity blinked slowly, then turned her attention to Twilight. “I simply cannot believe it.”

“That Purple Heart would work with that many ponies at once?” Twilight asked.

Rarity shook her head. “That it was possible for there to be a version of Purple Heart that was even more useless to us than the one we’re used to.”

Purple Heart stared at the unicorn. “Hey now…”

“That is to say,” Rarity continued, “that the thought of there being a Purple Heart with such a thick skull that it overshadowed his flair for overdramatic brooding and bliant bluntness-”

“I appreciate the alliteration but-”

“AND YET.” Rarity talked over the large stallion as if he wasn’t even there, earning a huff of indignation from him. “And yet, this faint shadow of our own Purple Heart somehow manages to play the role of boisterous buffoon and empty-headed ruffian to a ‘T’! As if he were born to play the role of mediocre irritation that was left by-

“ALRIGHT.” Purple Heart stomped a hoof with enough force to cause the other ponies in the room to jump. “First you accost me in the middle of a party, then you ponynap me and drag me across Equestria, and now I’m being assaulted by a barrage of insults against my character by way of comparison to another fictional version of me? I have a limit, lady, and it stops at this… this…” He huffed, waving a forehoof as he searched for the right set of words. “...Sound and fury, signifying bugger all!”

Rarity shot a smirk at Twilight before turning back. “Then why not prove me wrong by telling me something about some pony you do know on the cast? Surely, you must know at least one other pony in the production?”

Purple Heart nodded aggressively. “Purple Patches,” he proclaimed. “The very pony who recruited me for the Shudderstick play. The one who your friends,” he shot a withering glare at Applejack and Pinkie Pie, which by and large went unnoticed by the two Earth Ponies, “pulled me away from when they PONYNAPPED ME.” He shot another, less restrained glare at the two mares, earning him a glance from under the hat of one, and a friendly wave from the other.

“And, if anything, can you tell me about this… trusty Patches of yours?”

Purple Heart squinted one eye and cocked his head, peering up at the ceiling in thought.

“There’s really not much to say,” he sighed. “I didn’t see much of him outside of the final few weeks of production before Opening Night and my initial meeting where we… sorta interviewed Discord.”

“You were there when Discord was interviewed?!” Twilight gaped.

Purple Heart nodded. “Bleep carping appeared between us while we were on our way to the theater,” he said. “Scared the living daylights out of me. What confused me was the fact that Discord knew me by name.”

“...what?” The collection of mares shared wide-eyed looks.

“He knew you by name?” Paladin Duty echoed, trying to get the conversation back on track before it derailed itself.

“Yeah,” Purple Heart confirmed. “Asked me if I was having any villainous urges after monologuing about a snooping colt named Wits End. He even conjured an image of the poor bugger. Must’ve been that colt that writes reviews or something, cos Purple Patches recognized him too...” He trailed off, thinking back to that unusual exchange.

“Hang on a minute.” Applejack walked around to stand in front of Purple Heart. “That Patches fella ‘conjured’ an image of Wits? Wasn’t he an Earth Pony? We Earth Ponies ain’t exactly known for conjurin’.”

Purple Heart thought for a moment, then shrugged. “I suppose. Maybe he was some kind of… Conjure Pony?”

“Or,” Twilight said, “he’s a pony with abilities we haven’t seen before.” She thought for a moment, then shot a look at Paladin Duty. “Or maybe abilities that we have seen before.”

Duty shared a similar look with Spike. “Issue 163,” he said with a nod.

“The introduction of the Tasker Master?” Spike asked. “But that one was panned because the look-alike just happened to look like the- Ohhhhhh.”

Just Duty smiled and turned to Purple Heart. “It seems like we’ll need you to stick around for a while so we can ask about this Purple Patches. It is, by all accounts, very important.”

“You’re welcome for getting us on track,” Rarity hummed, fluffing her mane with a smirk.

Purple Heart turned on the fashionista with glacial slowness. “Hang on… Were you egging me on so I’d talk about Patches?” The mare nodded, and he raised an eyebrow. “And where did you learn to act?”

Rarity brushed a few strands of hair back into place. “Suffice it to say that I have studied the ways of the Epona Ruh.”

Purple Heart breathed in sharply through his nose, raised a hoof, and leveled it on Rarity with a look of indignation. “Fffffffffine.”

Just Duty moved Purple Heart to a small side table in the room and sat him down at it. “Take some time and review what you know and remember about Purple Patches. I can get you a quill and ink if you need it.” After a couple more minutes, he moved back to the table, and then looked at Applejack and Pinkie Pie. “I should probably chastise the two of you for ponynapping-”

“Ah. Well, Ah guess that's not exactly a thin’ a respectable pony should do,” Applejack admitted. Just Duty sighed.

“That was incredibly sloppy work. You didn’t even take the time to confirm it was the right target. Amateur move. It could have resulted in me having to use the Forget Me Stick again.”

“The what?” Purple Heart asked from his seat.

“Don’t worry, it's just a magical item that confuses your memories of the last few minutes to days.” Just Duty replied, earning a variety of looks from the ponies and dragon present.

“It’s not magical, is it?” Pinkie guessed.

“Blunt force trauma is a magical thing when applied correctly,” Just Duty replied. “In any case, I’ll leave you two off with a warning since you did manage to get us a lead on one of the three colts we’re looking for. I don’t suppose you have any other leads? Miss Rarity you sounde-”

“Not now, darling,” Rarity interrupted, focusing on her sketch pad. “I just had a marvelous idea for an ensemble that would just look positively marvelous in rojo.”

Twilight tilted her head. “What color is rojo?”

“I’m not sure, but if I had to guess, it’s likely red. If Light Patch is still stuck on that suit he wants me to make...” Rarity said as she continued sketching.

“Why do you think Light Patch is trying to make you make this outfit? Why are you sure it isn’t some flash of artistic inspiration or an idea from that muse pony you keep talking about?” Rainbow asked.

“A muse, darling. Not a pony named Muse, it's a- Nevermind, I’ll explain that later. In any case, it’s mostly because I also keep hearing a tune in my head with the idea of the ensemble. It just feels like a reference to something I don’t understand. Something all three of the colts seemed fond of truthfully,” she said, earning groans from around the table.

“And why’s he doing all of that again?” Twilight asked, no longer draped across the map table but still holding onto the giant book Rarity had brought in.

“I can’t say for certain, but I suspect he’s afraid he’s tipped his hoof a little too far and shown more of his cards than he meant to. Or he wants me to think he has,” the white unicorn said, flipping her sketchpad upside down.

“So what cards has he shown?”

“I suspect I know where he is and what he’s looking for.”

“...And?”

“Sorry, I had to finish with these pleats. If he’s going to mess with my inspiration, I’m going to mess with his references,” she said, drawing feathers on the coat. “He’s somewhere in the Frozen North beyond the Crystal Empire looking for an ‘artifact of power’ if the information he accidentally leaked to me is true.

“And what artifact do you believe he’s after?” Twilight asked.

“The only one that, according to the ‘Unabridged History of Magical Artifacts’, is known to have been made and lost up there.”

“Oh... Oh no,” Just Duty muttered, putting a hoof to his head to rub his forehead.

“What? What artifact?” Twilight asked, having already opened the book to search for herself.

“The Orb of Glacious. A weapon made sometime before Discord’s reign to help win a war. It was used to kill everypony present at the one battlefield it was used. The survivor tossed the Orb into a crevice in a glacier. After that, I guess everypony forgot about it. You know, we ponies aren’t very good at not letting artifacts of power drift around where just any old megalomaniac can find them,” Rarity regaled. Her sketching stopped and she looked at her diagrams for a brief moment. Then she ripped it out of her sketchbook with her magic, crumpled it up, and tossed it aside. “In any case, I did mention that this could all very well be a set up and he just wants to watch us waste our time up there.”

“There is no way that the Orb is still up there! Celestia and Luna would have collected it in their quest to defeat Discord and kept it safe in some ‘Super Secret Artifact of Doom’ safe room!” Twilight said, trying to reassure herself.

“That is what they would ‘officially’ like you to think,” Just Duty interjected, earning a face hoof from Twilight.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Oh, yeah, this artifact of incredible power and danger is the one they would keep safe. As opposed to all of the other artifacts we’ve had to deal with that were just laying around in the corner store.”

“Okay, so he’s hunting for basically a doomsday art-”

“I’d hardly call it a doomsday artifact. It only wiped out the ponies in a finite radius around it,” Rarity replied.

“An artifact of immense danger then. Do you know why? He told us he was a neutral observer, remember?”

“And he’s hardly been just an observer or neutral, has he?! Maybe he just wants to poke things so that it’s like the show for him. He did say he wanted to be entertained, didn’t he? I wouldn’t put it past him to poke things into action or try to make us waste our time so the plan’s his friends are working on can progress further,” Rarity suggested.

“His friends, huh?” Twilight mused. “Fluttershy, you said you thought Wits was finally evil. What made you think that?”

Fluttershy seemed to wilt in her seat. “Well, I don’t want to speak poorly of him when he’s not here to defend himself…”

“Fluttershy, at this point, I’m ready to speak poorly of him to his face the next time I see him. And I’ll use some very choice words that I wouldn’t repeat in front of Spike.”

“Hey!” Spike huffed. “I’m not a kid, you know!” He turned back to his comic, studying it with great intensity.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy, and the pegasus sighed. “I met with a deer in Midton named Mellroch. According to him, he met Wits once before. Back when we were looking for the colts before, remember?”

“Sure,” Twilight said with a nod. “What about it?”

“Well, the reason I was called up to Midton is because there was a Misplacer Beast loose up there. It turned out she was searching for her cub, who was originally taken by Changelings, but then…” Fluttershy hesitated. “It sounded like Wits End took the cub after that.”

“What would Wits want with a Misplacer Beast cub?” Twilight asked, then she frowned. “And more importantly, what was he doing around Changelings in the first place?”

Fluttershy nodded. “That’s what I was wondering too. And Mellroch said that a pony by Wits’ description was talking to the batponies up in the Undiscovered West. Trying to get them to join his… well, his Evil League of Evil.”

“That sounds like Wits,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Subtle like a bolt of lightning through the bedroom window.”

“That got me thinking,” Fluttershy continued. “Well, at least it did when we were heading back to Midton. Wits has been taking a lot of stuff since he left, right? First that Diamond Dog’s artifact, then the copy of Discord’s adventure, and now a Misplacer Beast. And he was talking to Luna and Sunset about being a villain, right? Well…” She trailed off, looking down at the table.

“You think he’s planning something?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, no, I’m certain that he’s planning something. Wits wouldn’t be Wits if he wasn’t planning something. But, I think he might have done some… research?” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “If he talked to any of the other ponies we defeated, he might be trying to figure out how to beat us, right? And he’s gathering allies in the batponies, or at least trying to.”

Spike scoffed, putting down his comic. “From what Twilight told me, it sounds like the worst this Wits End guy would do is minorly inconvenience a small village before he managed to take himself down.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I… don’t think so. Twilight, you weren’t with him when he was trying to take down Holdfast back in Discord’s game. He...” She fell silent again as she gathered her thoughts. “I think that, if Wits is doing this much work, he’s putting his full effort into being a bad guy. Even if he doesn’t try to destroy the world-”

“It could keep us busy while the other two do something just as bad,” Twilight finished. “Or the other two could keep us busy while Wits builds up momentum.” She sighed. “I still don’t understand what it is about those things he took that’s important. On their own, only the Diamond Dog artifact is dangerous.”

“Maybe it’s not the items on their own that’s dangerous?” Spike offered. He looked down to find a new comic to study and when he looked back up, he found the rest of the ponies staring at him. “What? It’s basically Villain 101, based on comic books! You gather up a bunch of seemingly harmless items, and then you stick them together into a weapon of incredible cosmic power!”

“And what could he do with a Misplacer Beast, a book of adventures, and a helmet that shoots dark magic lasers?” Twilight asked.

Spike tapped his chin with a claw as he thought. “Build a laser that makes you lose your place in your book when you get hit?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “That’s ridiculous.”

“No no,” Twilight held out a hoof. “He’s got a point. That’s pretty dastardly and completely in character for Wits. He told me before he left that he was a bad guy because I was treating him like one. If he sees me as the reason to be a villain, he might just be building something to deal with me exclusively.”

Spike gasped. “You’re his origin story! I’ve never been part of a villain’s origin story before!”

“Trust me, it’s not nearly as fun as it sounds,” Just Duty grunted.

* * *

“Since when did Equestria have a senate?” Purple Heart muttered, eyeing the partially sculpted dome of marble and terracotta with a contemplative frown. He turned his head to the castle anchored to the edge of the cliff face in the distance. “The monarchy has been unopposed for nigh a millenia. Don’t tell me the public demanded a voice in the government?” The purple and green earth pony looked back to the unfinished senate building. With a shrug, he stepped off the cloud and plummeted towards the city. Threads flashed out before him and struck the ground long before he reached it, slowing his descent as the threads stiffened and flexed forward to place him just outside the walls of Canterlot.

“Hmm, this may actually work to my advantage,” he pondered as he strode into the city with the rest of the countless tourists, ponies on holiday, and locals. “It's alot easier to convince a mob to your way of thinking compared to an individual. Maybe I’ll pull a Palpatine. That would be fun...” An easy grin made its way onto his face as he walked over to a ‘Porting Station off the street, using his strings to pilfer some coins from passersby as he went.

“Hello,” the unicorn on duty greeted. “Where to, sir?”

“The new senate building please,” Purple Heart replied.

“That’ll be 15 bits.”

“When did Equestria get a senate?” Purple Heart asked as he pulled out several denominations of bits and sorted through them for the requisite fare. “Is the monarchy not good enough anymore?” He pushed several coins across the counter.

The unicorn shrugged, sweeping the coins into the till that popped open. “Hay if I know,” she replied. “Princess Twilight Sparkle came up with the idea. Some ponies got together and asked for some communal summit and she went with the idea whole hog. She figured Princess Celestia and Princess Luna would appreciate fewer personal audiences to go through. Makes the petition system a bit more automated.”

Purple Heart grimaced. “As if automating a system ever made something better,” he sighed.

“Right?” the unicorn agreed.

A ticket popped up from the register till and the unicorn plucked it up with a hoof and passed it to Purple Heart. “Port Pad number four. Have a great day, sir.”

“Thank you,” Purple Heart replied, taking the ticket and walking over to the properly numbered pad. Passing his ticket to the technician, he then stepped onto the pad, tensing for a brief moment as he was brought from one pad to another. Stepping off the pad, he shook the static electricity from his limbs and mane and strode to the senate building’s main door.

As he walked in, he listened to the pockets of conversation bubbling around him. From what he could gather, the senate was still relatively new and had yet to receive all its members from across Equestria. The plumbing hadn’t been installed yet, meaning the latrines in the other buildings on the block were always in use. A new bill was in the works to be proposed to the Princesses. The number of comfortable chairs was fewer than the number of actual senators, therefore requiring the usage of metal folding seats. Somehow, the Hooffields and McColts had both sent a member of each family to vy for senator of their district. The senators from the Pony North West, the Tri-City Coast, and the Badlands had not been chosen.

A smile stretched Purple Heart’s face and he turned to the reception desk, one of the only finished facets of the senate lobby. The colt sitting behind the desk looked up at his approach.

“Can I help you, sir?” the colt asked.

Purple Heart nodded. “I’m the new Senator for the Pony North West, Baelhart,” he said candidly.

The colt perked up. “Aha. Right. Papers, please.” He held out an expectant hoof.

Purple Heart blinked. “Papers? You mean I need to give you a passport, entry permit, work pass, license, and some other stuff as well as consent to a full body scan?” the purple colt asked.

The desk colt blinked in response. “Nooooo?” he elongated the vowel. “I just need to see your identification.”

“Oh,” Purple Heart coughed. “You mean I don’t have to wait at the Department of Licensing for nine hours?”

“...Nooooo?”

“Huh. In that case-” a green thread attached to the colt’s forehead, “-you don’t need to see my identification.” Immediately, the colt’s eyes went blank.

“I… don’t need to see your identification,” he intoned flatly.

“I can go about my business.”

“You can go about your business.” The colt shifted his blank stare to his desk.

“You’ll finish the paperwork to recognize me as Senator of the Pony North West. Move along.”

“I’ll just finish the paperwork recognizing you as Senator Baelhart of the Pony North West.” The colt pulled out a passcard attached to a lanyard. “Move along, sir,” he said tonelessly. Purple Heart slung the lanyard around his neck and strode off toward the senate chamber, leaving the colt behind him questioning his life choices.

The doors to the senate chamber were open to the public when Purple Heart reached them. He stepped inside the vast room and looked around. About two thirds of the seats were full while the platform at the center was empty, save for a pair of lecterns facing each other. He noted the number of metal folding chairs outnumbered the comfortable seats by far. A small chuckle escaped him as he slid behind the desk marked for the senator from the PNW. As he settled onto the metal chair, the doors closed. A mare dressed in an impeccable suit stepped onto the platform and cleared her throat.

“Greetings to all of you that managed to make it to the Fifth Session of the Public Equestra Senate,” the mare said, her voice effortlessly reaching the far edges of the room. “I’m Madam Speaker Top Class. Before we begin, I shall take the register of our attendees.” Adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose, Top Class started listing names. It seemed that most of the members of the senate were in attendance, save for a score or so.

“With that out of the way, we can- Yes?” Madam Class looked over the rim of her glasses at Purple Heart’s raised hoof.

“You didn’t call my name, Madam Speaker,” Purple Heart said.

Top Class frowned and peered down at her papers. “I do not have anypony listed as any of the senators for the Pony North West, Mister...” She looked up at Purple Heart again. “What is your name?”

“Baelhart,” he replied. He lifted his lanyard for the mare to see. “Just got my identification and paperwork done today. It's been a bit of a pickle in the North West, what with the-” He paused, looked around at the other senators, and coughed lightly. “-play that Discord infamously directed bringing up questionable themes and topics to the public.” Many of the senators present hummed and hawed to themselves.

Top Class frowned again. “I’ve yet to receive any paperwork confirming your confirmation as a senator,” she said archly, looking questioningly at the purple earth pony.

Purple Heart tried to swallow subtly and hold the mare’s steely gaze. “I’m sure it’ll show up.” He swallowed audibly. “Soon, I hope.”

Beat.

Purple Heart coughed again.

Beat.

Purple Heart licked his lips and flicked a glance at the doors to the chamber.

Beat.

They remained sealed shut.

Madam Top Class pursed her lips. “Unfortunately, as I have no confirmation of your confirmation as a senator, I am going to have to ask you to leave the senate chamber, Mister Baelhart,” the gold mare declared. “A guard will be summoned to escort you from the build-”

The doors opened and a pony rushed into the chamber, papers fluttering in their teeth as they barreled down the aisle to where Top Class stood. Upon reaching the podium, the pony gave the papers to Madam Class and started a whispered conversation with the mare. The rest of the chamber broke out into their own hushed discussions as the clerk explained themselves to Top Class. The whispers ceased when the clerk turned and ran back up the aisle and out of the chamber, letting the double doors swing shut behind them.

Top Class turned to address Purple Heart. “It appears that the paperwork confirming your identity and position as a senator of the Pony North West has just been processed,” the mare stated. “Therefore, I must ask if Senator Baelhart of the Pony North West is in attendance?”

Purple Heart grinned weakly. “Aye,” he called, settling back in his chair and trying not to sag in relief.

Top Class gave a decisive nod and looked around at the assembly. “Our first topic for the day regards the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony,” she said. Whispers broke out once again amongst the senators. “For some time now, there has been a gradual, but noticeable dip in the number of cases addressed by the Elements of Harmony. For years, the Elements have been one of our bulwarks against those that would seek to destabilize our country. They have committed their lives to helping the ponies of our nation, regardless of class, race, or social standing.”

Top Class paused and gave a sigh of irritation. “Therefore, I find myself asking ‘what are the Elements doing now?’ Over the past few months, there have been more incidents of unexplainable or abnormal phenomena across Equestria: there are rumors of a Displacer Beast near the Undiscovered West. A farm to the north was ransacked by two separate bandit groups and have remained unpunished since. Rumors of a bat pony rebellion under a being named Mellroch in the Undiscovered West have gone unconfirmed. Several towns in the Frozen Wastes beyond the Crystal Empire have been taken over by mercenaries for unknown purposes.

“Chrysalis has been spotted moving against the Crystal Empire for unknown reasons. A local colony of Diamond Dogs has been lobbying for the return of one of their sacred artifacts that was stolen recently. A number of mining crews have been reported missing and presumed ponynapped for unknown purposes. A play featuring regalia and iconography similar to the current monarchs of Equestria has left the populace questioning the possibility of a coup.”

Madam Class looked around at the dumbstruck faces around her. “While all this has been happening, it appears that the Elements of Harmony have been chasing three colts across Equestria for unknown reasons. I believe that measures must be taken in light of current events.” She paused for a moment to let her words sink into her listeners. “Are there any suggestions?”

Silence met her question as the senators refused to meet Top Class’ gaze.

Purple Heart resisted the urge to laugh as he stood and walked down to the dais. “If I may, Madam Speaker?” he asked, gesturing to the podium. Top Class balked for a split second, then nodded acquiescence, yielding the floor to Purple Heart.

The purple and green earth pony looked around the chamber for a moment. “My fellow senators,” he boomed, restraining the urge to grin as several ponies recoiled at his volume. “I understand your reticence at questioning the actions and reasoning of such upstanding ponies as those bearing the Elements of Harmony. However, this rogue, single-minded behavior cannot be allowed in ponies of such high ranking and repute.”

“But the Princesses always do what’s best for Equestria!” a voice called out.

Purple Heart blinked and looked around, searching for the speaker. With a sigh, he rubbed his eyes with a hoof and leaned on the podium.

“If that were the case, then why have Princesses Luna and Celestia allowed the Elements to run across Equestria on this mad search of theirs?” Purple Heart inquired, locking eyes with as many senators as he could. None of them held his gaze for long.

“Because one of the Bearers is Princess Twilight herself!” a voice called from behind him. Purple Heart whirled around, eyes narrowing at the senators doing their best to look innocent.

A growl bubbled up from his chest and he looked at Top Class. “If the senators here are so enamored with the Princesses, how did a senate get formed in the first place?”

Top Class shrugged. “Enough ponies sent representatives to Canterlot to badger the Princesses for one,” she replied. “Mostly the youth.”

“Ah. Good on the young’uns for standing up for something they want,” Purple Heart sighed. He turned back at the chamber at large. “My purpose here is to propose legislation that will keep the Elements of Harmony in check. They’re supposed to protect Equestria from threats that martial or traditional approaches won’t solve. They aren’t allowed to run rampant across the nation on their silly ‘Friendship Crusade’ and they certainly aren’t allowed to utilize government resources to do so.”

One senator, his nameplate marking him as the representative for Appleloosa, scoffed loudly. “You want to put the six most important ponies, aside from our Princesses, on a leash? Because they left some rumors and minor threats for the locals to investigate first? If I called the Elements of Harmony everytime a Buffalo sneezed on my land, they’d never have time to practice their little friendship lessons.”

“Not on a leash per say,” Purple Heart replied, turning to the representative. “I propose the enactment of a regulatory panel that will decide whether or not the Elements of Harmony are required to address a situation. Approaching a town of unfriendly ponies to bring them to the Light of Friendship: yes. Chasing some poor colts across the country for unknown reasons and without oversight: no. Ideally, there will be ponies stationed in each represented part of Equestria to ascertain the validity of any calls for assistance.” He smiled. “Unless the buffalo was firing a warhead, I don’t think the Elements would even know it sneezed.”

“And who exactly gets to be on this panel?” the senator from Manehattan asked, her eyes narrowing as she weighed the potential pros and cons. “Hamstringing the Elements by bringing every issue to a committee would be just as bad as giving them free reign.” Her eyes narrowed further. “And with too few ponies, all it would take is a few of those Changelings you mentioned to upset the whole process.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “I dunno,” he said blandly. “This is a senate. I believe a system ranking the level of concern should be applied to every situation to decide if the solution is a kiss and a band-aid or rousing the Elements.”

The mare blinked. “You’re rather nonchalant about this, aren’t you?”

Purple Heart shrugged again, leaning on the lectern as threads invisible to the naked eye snaked down his body and slid along the floor, connecting to each senator present. “I’m just a concerned citizen bringing up a concern I have about the current state of affairs in the country,” he explained. “If we don’t question the reason the Elements of Harmony are running amok across Equestria, then I frankly don’t know what to tell you all.”

Purple Heart glared at the senators at large and held his forelegs out to either side of him. “This is why I offered to come here to be a part of this. And I’m trying to do my part as a member of society. Here’s a solution for a problem we have. But, if you don’t think it's a problem, then I suppose I can die knowing we're the laughing stock of the world.”

Cloudsdale’s senator slammed his hooves on his desk, wings flaring angrily. “Maybe you yuppies in the northwest haven’t noticed, what with your avocados and espressos, but Equestria’s saved the world thanks to those girls at least a dozen times. What’d we get out of being able to tell them what to do that we don’t have now, aside from even more funds spent on another do-nothing government council?”

“Control,” Purple Heart said promptly, his threads snapping taut. The chamber filled with murmurs and he arched an eyebrow. “I take it you all remember, if not know, of what happened to Princess Luna all those years ago?” He looked around at the ponies, seeing and hearing their acknowledgement. “There is a saying that we ‘yuppies in the northwest’ have. ‘Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely’. What is to stop the Elements from taking over Equestria? You’ve all seen or at the very least heard of the play MacHawk that was performed just recently? Granted, it was put together by Discord, but you can’t help but question, ‘Is it possible? Could our Princesses really possess the capacity for tyranny’? We know one was. What’s to stop another?”

Purple Heart eyed the pegasus from Cloudsdale. “In order to ensure the security and continuing stability of Equestria, we should organize a panel of ponies to police the Elements of Harmony to maintain a safe and secure society.” The dozens of threads pulsed once.

Silence.

Beat.

Beat.

Applause.

Senators jumped to their hooves and stamped out applause for Purple Heart’s proposal. The chamber rang and shook with shouts of agreement and Baelhart looked around with a small grin on his face.

“And this is how the Elements are inhibited,” he muttered. “With thunderous, fearful applause.”

Chapter 28: Purple Heart and Light Patch Cooperate… But Do They?

Purple Heart ground his teeth as he walked away from the senate building, lighter one metric senatorship.

“I couldn’t nudge them hard enough,” he growled, casting a glare over his shoulder. “Not without being overt in front of Cakelestia.” Scowl firmly in place, he marched off towards the nearest ‘Porting Pad. As he drew near to the station, strings angrily lashed out and attached to the attendant. The pony stiffened, slackened, then stiffened again all in a split second. Purple Heart stopped in front of the attendant and coughed. The string pulsed and the attendant promptly punched up a ticket.

“Port Pad number one. Have a great day, sir.”

A string snatched the ticket and Purple Heart made his way past the kiosk to the requisite pad. He held out his ticket and stepped on the pad as the unicorn prepared for the teleport. A sizzle of static later and Purple Heart stepped off the new pad and onto the causeway overlooking a park surrounded by specialty shops. The only shop interesting Purple Heart was a small restaurant overhanging the lake. It wasn’t long before Purple Heart’s determined stride brought him to the restaurant’s entrance and he walked inside, his head parting the halved curtains as he passed.

“Ahh, welcome back, Senator Baelhart,” a voice called out. “Your usual?”

“Please, Wasabi,” the purple earth pony confirmed as he sat at the counter. “And keep them coming. I need something to look forward to.”

A plate of expertly cut fish slid into place before Purple Heart’s seat. The pony that put it there leaned on the counter, eyeing the colt before him.

“Senate not working too well?” Wasabi asked glibly.

“You can say that again,” Purple Heart muttered. “I got fired.” The green stallion arched an eyebrow.

“Hooo? How did you manage that?”

“Madam Speaker Top Class threw a fit about how much influence I had on the Panel of International Situation Solutions. She managed to sneak up on me with a trial and had Princess Celestia attend,” Purple Heart replied. “Granted, I did have the Panel on speed dial and gave them tips when I could, but that hardly merits being stripped of my senatorship and banned from political office.”

Wasabi snorted. “It doesn’t seem that the Princess and the Speaker agreed,” he commented.

Purple Heart scowled, dipping a slice of fish into some soy sauce and slipping it into his mouth. He groaned happily. “Mmm. Salmon. My compliments, Wasabi.”

Wasabi grinned and stepped away to prepare the rest of Purple Heart’s order. “And yet, you don’t apply my namesake.” He clicked his tongue. “A most sorrowful thing.”

Purple Heart snorted, eating another slab of salmon.

“I rather like breathing normally, thank you,” he responded. Wasabi clicked his tongue again as he pulled a whole fish from a cold case behind the counter.

“It would clear out your nose,” the green stallion said. “That’s breathing normally, is it not?”

The sound of hooves on wood nearly pulled Purple Heart’s attention from his next bite. He huffed at Wasabi, ignoring the newcomer in favor of consuming more sushi.

“I say,” came a posh voice through a nasal passage, “I must have taken a wrong turn.”

“Ah, Prince Blueblood,” Wasabi greeted. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Purple Heart blinked, looking over his shoulder to see a white unicorn with platinum blonde mane and tail standing just within the curtains to the shop. A small smile curved Purple Heart’s lips and he turned back to his sushi. A string trailed down his hip and snaked across the floor towards the pony royalty.

Blueblood sniffed, eyeing the dimly lit shop with ill-concealed derision. “Ah, no, my good colt,” he said. I’ll just be on my way. I’m sure my retinue is out there looking for me. I don’t want to bother your… business any longer.”

Wasabi’s dark eyes flashed, but the green stallion said nothing. He merely smiled tightly and inclined his head, returning his attention to the fish on his board.

“Aw, c’mon and stay a while,” Purple Heart drawled, leaning out of his seat to look at Blueblood. He tapped a hoof on the counter beside a saucer. “Wasabi makes the best sushi in Canterlot! I wouldn’t pass up a chance to eat what he makes for anything!” Wasabi blinked at Purple Heart, his gaze switching between the purple earth pony’s lazy expression and his tapping hoof. The green stallion shrugged, pulled a bottle off the shelf behind the counter, uncorked it, and poured a clear liquid into the saucer by Purple Heart’s tapping hoof.

Blueblood turned around, glancing around the establishment again. This time, he looked at Purple Heart directly. He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again as the string connecting them pulsed once.

“Well... If you insist,” the white unicorn said with a sigh. He turned, walking over to sit next to Purple Heart. As Blueblood sat, he jerked, eyeing the purple earth pony with a grimace.

Purple Heart set his saucer back onto the counter and exhaled a pleased sigh. He turned his head and saw Blueblood’s repulsed glare. “Wat?” the large earth pony asked. “Is there something on my face?” He raised a hoof and pawed at his cheeks and forehead.

Blueblood twisted his lips in disgust. “You reek of alcohol,” the prince sniffed.

Purple Heart blinked and looked at his saucer. He looked back at Blueblood. “I wouldn’t say I reek. Just had the one,” he admitted, lifting the saucer up for more. Wasabi filled the vessel again and Purple Heart drank again. “This is two.”

Blueblood resisted the urge to sneer. “This pony’s food better be as good as you say,” the white unicorn scoffed. “It must be for a vagrant such as yourself to darken his doorstep.”

Purple Heart clacked his saucer on the counter and swung around to stare wide-eyed at the royal pony. “Vagrant?” he echoed. “Hardly.” He gestured to Wasabi and a slab of wood was placed before them, covered in an array of seafood and rice rolls. “Just unemployed.”

Blueblood inched as far away from the purple earth pony as his seat would allow. Purple Heart was oblivious as he slipped morsels of fish into his mouth one by one. Cheeks bulging, he turned, gesturing at the board.

“Have some,” he squeaked. “I insist.” Blueblood looked down at a sleek slice of fish resting on a well-formed block of rice. His stomach churned rebelliously and he nearly left the establishment. An involuntary shiver steeled him and Blueblood’s magic reached out to pick up the piece of food. A pair of wooden rods clacked on the board and Blueblood jerked in surprise, his magic receding promptly. The royal pony looked up to see Wasabi’s face set in a firm look of disapproval. Blueblood couldn’t help but shiver.

“Hooves or chopsticks,” Wasabi directed. “No magic. Ruins flavor and experience.”

“You mean I have to use my hooves to eat?!” Blueblood squawked. “That’s just… just… certainly not sanitary.”

Wasabi gestured with the chopsticks to a door deeper inside the shop. “Then wash them.”

Purple Heart chuckled. “He’s got you there,” he said around his saucer. Feeling like a chastised colt, Blueblood slipped off his stool and stomped his way to the washroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Damn, he’s petulant,” Purple Heart snorted.

“What are you doing?” Wasabi hissed. “You know what a relative of the Princesses could do to my shop! Why are you provoking him?!”

“I need a job,” Purple Heart replied calmly, shrugging. “Just gotta get into his good graces.”

“Which you are not doing!” Wasabi snarled. “Just what kind of job would you get from a prince?”

Purple Heart grinned, taking a sip of sake. “Butler.”

Blueblood returned, his face a bright shade of red as he sat and took the piece of sushi with a freshly cleaned hoof, popping it into his mouth. He chewed, eyes screwed shut as he got around the unfamiliar texture. Then his expression softened, looking almost serene as he swallowed. Several seconds of silence passed. Then Blueblood opened his eyes.

“That was… exquisite,” he breathed. “The texture of fish is certainly unusual, but it altogether was an enjoyable experience.”

Purple Heart grinned. “My name is Beekler Alfreeves,” he said, offering a hoof. “I’m looking for a job as a butler. Know anypony looking for one?”

Blueblood took the hoof and shook it. “Prince Blueblood. I may know somepony…” Blueblood paused. Another board of sushi appeared before the pair of colts. Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the white unicorn while he helped himself to more sushi.

The strings pulsed again.

“Mister Alfreeves-”

“Beekler, please,” Purple Heart insisted.

“Beekler,” Blueblood echoed. “I am, coincidentally, looking for a... batcolt, if you will.”

Purple Heart blinked. A wry smile curved his lips. “Unless I’m mistaken, you’re referring to a butler and not the caped colt from that popular comic series, yes?”

Blueblood stared at Purple Heart, brow furrowed in confusion. “Pardon?”

Purple Heart waved a hoof dismissively, coughing awkwardly. “Just a joke. If you have a job opening, I’m applying. Can you interview me here?”

Blueblood hesitated. “Ah. Certainly.”

“Want some more?” Purple Heart inquired, nudging a fresh board of sushi towards Blueblood. The royal pony smiled. For once, it didn’t convey disdain or superiority.

“I believe I shall,” he agreed, reaching for another piece of sushi. “Now, about your duties...”

Purple Heart’s grin darkened behind his sake saucer as another thread connected itself to the prince.

* * *

Moon Dancer entered the room after a quick courtesy knock. She opened her mouth to say what she’d been saying for a while. A different voice beat her to the punch. “I know. ‘If we get the guard in to help, we're in over our heads’. And my response is that it would just start a fight between them and the guard and force them to desperately try to get the Orb. Our best option is to keep playing them against each other until we can get the orb out without them getting their claws or hands on it.”

“Well, if you didn’t invite me here to discuss my plan for how to quietly get the Crystal Empire’s City Guard up to help. Why did you want to see me?”

“Two reasons. The first is I’ve got a little side project that I’d like to get your advice on.”

Moon Dancer gave a short hum of interest as she sat down and looked at the notes spread over the table. “Ah, yes. Your vague notes and the mathematical scribbles of a pony obsessed or insane.”

“It’s a living plan. I’m constantly having to adjust it. Especially now that the pony I was counting on providing magical assistance probably won’t assist me at this point. We had a bit of a...” Light Patch paused as he searched for the right words. “We had a little bit of a falling out.”

“Like he did when I pushed him off a cliff for his failure to assist me and abandon all of his plans,” a pony spoke as if they were trying to imitate Light Patch’s voice. Moon Dancer froze half way towards pulling another set of notes to herself.

“What was that?”

“Uh... I’m not sure. I think it’s probably just the wind,” Light Patch replied, finally looking up from his notes towards a window.

“We have all been a little on edge, I guess,” the mare commented, not sounding convinced. Eventually, she tore her eyes away from the window.

“Do you want to try to guess what the plan is or should I save us time and lay it out?” Light Patch asked, finally recapturing Moon Dancer’s attention.

Moon Dancer quickly shifted through some of the notes. “You're looking into how to make a portal spell to somewhere extra difficult.”

“Well, good to know I was apparently right to hide my notes from you,” Light Patch muttered.

“I also want to poke holes in the walls of reality and invite Cthulhu to tea,” that voice badly imitating Light’s voice said again.

“Who’s Cthulhu?” another voice whispered back.

“Who's there?!” Moon Dancer demanded as she jumped to her hooves, her horn wrapped in magic.

“Maybe it was some of the local foals just messing with us. I guess they’ve been giving the bandits a lot of trouble,” Light Patch evaded. “On a side note, did you figure out how to budget in all of those chocolate coins?”

“I’ve managed to find some spare funds. I still think there’s better uses, but you are the one with the funds,” Moon Dancer answered.

“Good. You want the rest of the plan or are you interested in trying to finish figuring out the rest of it yourself?” Moon Dancer looked back at the various notes and hesitated before pulling some more of the notes over to her.

“I think I’d find puzzling it out myself a relaxing way to spend some down time.”

“Well then, Miss Holmes, I shall leave you to puzzle this out.” Light Patch stood and stepped away from the table.

“Who’s Holmes?”

“A fictional detective from my home. He solves crimes with excesses of logic and reason, science and observation.”

“Sounds similar to the character of Elementary Deduction. He was one of the first detective characters to focus more on what was considered at that time ‘proper crime solving methods’”

“It’s always weird when I’m struck by the similarities between our worlds. I know several are there, but I’m surprised when I encounter a new one.”

“Perhaps we should spend some time figuring some of them out. It would keep you from being surprised by something at a bad time,” the mare idly wondered aloud.

“Might not be a bad idea, but that will be later. Right now I’ve got to meet the bandit leaders for the usual ‘I hate them, I hate them more’!” Light Patch said, slipping into his cloak. He turned to notice a distracted hoof wave from Moon Dancer before he quietly left. Shortly afterwards, Moon Dancer saw herself out of the room. This let two bat ponies slip quietly out of the room with no one to wonder who they were.

* * *

I’ve had plans go much smoother, that’s for sure.

The forest of the Undiscovered West stretched out below Wits End from his place on the mountain. A sea of trees that stretched out for miles and, if he looked away long enough, shifted just enough to be noticable. He tried to keep track of one particular group of trees; a collection of pines that had gathered in the last few minutes. One blink later, and the pines were gone.

It’s not just enough to get Twilight to accept my eventual surrender, he thought. I need to stop Purple Heart and Light Patch too. One’s on a path that leads to a Sidious end, the other headed to dethrone Infinity War for the most ambitious crossover event. I can’t take them on one-on-one; they’d both wipe the floor with me like that. I’ll need allies. But Twilight and the rest of the Elements are out of the question. They’d never trust me enough to take my advice, and we’d end up with another Road’s Crossed situation.

Wits sighed, picking a new point in the forest to watch. I’ve got one shot. It’ll be dangerous, and it’ll be tough to walk the line, but if it works out I can take both Patchy and P.H. out of the running in short order. Then, if I lose to Twilight in just the right way, then we reset back to status quo. Just like the simulations. He frowned as an empty patch appeared in the forest between blinks. Unless something goes wrong. Or goes right...

“They’re tricky, aren’t they?” Wits turned to see a bat-pony trotting up behind him. The Thestral motioned with one wing towards the forest below. “You can lose hours watching the forest if you ain’t careful.”

“How many have I lost so far, Mousetail?” Wits asked, turning back to the view.

The Thestral thought. “20, maybe 30 minutes. Thought I oughta check on you.”

“Hmm.” The two of them watched for a few minutes in silence as, in the time their blinks synced up, the forest changed completely. “Is it related to the Everfree Forest somehow?” Wits asked. “Or do forests just do this sometimes?”

Mousetail thought for a moment. “Well, the stories from the elders used to say there was a forest that split modern Equestria in two. I reckon that could’ve been the Shifting Woodlands and the Everfree.”

“Any idea how they got split?”

The bat-pony shrugged. “Maybe some of the trees wanted to… branch out.”

A smirk tugged at the corner of Wits’ mouth. “Finally, some good bucking jokes.”

“Hey, if you want jokes about bucking, I-”

“How’s the infiltration work going?” Wits asked quickly, turned back to the cave and trotting in. Careful with the rating there…

Mousetail pouted and followed. The two of them passed the simple wood and stone homes of the Thestrals, built up against either wall of the cave entrance. “It’s… certainly going.”

“Is that good?” Wits took the left-most of the two main streets, leading deeper into the cave network. “Or bad?”

“It’s… difficult to say.” Mousetail frowned. “Our scouts and spies can certainly sneak around in the dark of places like Canterlot and Manehatten. They just can’t… How do I put this…” She switched to hovering, leaving her forehooves free to stroke the tuft of fur around her neck and across her chest. “Equestrian’s ain’t used to talking to us Thestrals.”

“There’s some tension?”

“More like confusion. Vampire keeps getting mistaken for a member of Princess Luna’s guards. The others can’t get in anywhere ‘cause nopony comfortable around them.” Mousetail shrugged. “Can’t reeeeeealy blame them for it. Us Thestrals have stayed here in our caves for a while now.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “Nopony leaves?”

“Oh, we leave all the time! Just… we don’t talk to anypony. Aside from Nightmare Night, every bat-pony gets the the same reaction.”

“And what reaction is that?”

Mousetail gave an over-dramatic gasp, and pointed a trembling hoof. “A vampire pony! Ahh!” She dropped her hoof. “And then they run away.”

“That sounds about right.” Wits slowed to a stop in front of a food stall. He nodded to the bat-pony stallion at the till. “Two, if you please.”

Mousetail chuckled. “You really like these things, huh? Too bad I just ate. Love me some free food.”

Wits shot her a grin back. “They’re both for me.” He took the two wrapped moss shawarmas and tossed the stallion a few bits. “Gotta eat double if I’m eating vegan like this.”

“You know they make them with meat, right?”

Wits paused, one wrap halfway to his mouth. “What.”

Mousetail rolled her eyes and scoffed. “We ain’t all fruit bats, dude. They got snake, squirrel, quail...” She turned to the stallion. “Hey, you got any mountain goat back there?”

“Fresh this mornin’!” the shop owner replied with a smile. “Grabbed’m while they was lickin’ the salt from the mountainside.”

Wits End licked his lips and held out the two wraps. “You wouldn’t mind…”

With a laugh, the stallion took the wraps and unfolded them. “Two mountain goats?”

“Make one snake. I’m feeling adventurous today.” The unicorn tossed another set of bits onto the counter, and took the two wraps once again. “Let’s grab a seat. I get the feeling I’m gonna want to be sitting down for this.” With a chuckle, Mousetail sat on a bench next to Wits. “Now,” Wits said, picking one of the wraps to start with, “what’ve the spies found so far? Anything useful?”

Mousetail nodded. “You were right. Between the Elements and the Princesses, Ponyville, Canterlot, and the Crystal Empire are both too dangerous to siege right off the bat.”

Wits frowned as he chewed. “The Crystal Empire? Even with Patchy’s pet bandits?”

“They’ve got that Crystal Heart,” Mousetail explained. “Too powerful to waste on bandits, but juuuuust powerful enough to use on an attacking army.”

“Ah, right. Magical Artifacts of Mass Pacification.” Wits took another bite. “Charlemane never had to deal with this.”

“And Cloudsdale’s got the Wonderbolts, so I’d save them for later too. There’s certainly smaller places to start.” Mousetail used her wings to count. “Appleloosa, Dodge City, Hollow Shades-”

Wits shook his head. “The first major strike has to be big enough to get their attention. Something they’ll be falling over themselves to try and take back.” He took a contemplative bit of his second shawarma. “What about something on the east coast? Manehatten or Baltimare?”

“You could, but if that’s what you’re looking for, I’d aim west. Vanhoover or the Smokey Mountains.”

“Why there?”

Mousetail grinned. “‘Cause they just spent millions of bits to put senators on that new senate in Canterlot. You start with those, the senators will be screaming so loud that the Royal Guard scrambles before anypony can give an order.”

Wits smiled back. “A political target. I like it. We’ll have to be careful in the Great North-Wet, though. There’s some... personal connections there I wanna keep undamaged.” He licked some sauce from his forehoof and leaned back. “I gotta say, you lot really stepped up when I asked you for help.”

“But of course!” Mousetail tapped her chest proudly. “We’re the frontline of the Equestria Liberation Force. We gotta take this a little seriously.”

The unicorn’s smile fell. “First of all, our organization is not going to be called E.L.F. And secondly, I’d prefer it if the Thestrals don’t get it in their heads that they’re the frontline fighters. You should focus on scouting and espionage, where you’re strongest.”

Now it was Mousetail’s turn to frown. “What, you got another army in your back pocket? I thought it was just you, your assistant, and us. Only one of those is an army.”

“Let me handle making an army.” Wits cut her off before she could get rolling. “I need the Thestrals off the battlefield so they can harass supply lines and break down communication once this war starts.” He held up a forehoof when Mousetail turned towards him. “I have a plan,” he said flatly. “Do not make me adjust it this late in the game. I already had to do that once.”

Mousetail pouted, but nodded all the same. “Fine. I’ll pass it on to the others.” She sighed and leaned back, scratching at her chest fluff. “We could handle it, you know,” she said, not looking at Wits. “Bat-ponies might not be as strong as Earth Ponies or as fast as Pegasi, but we’ve got it where it counts. We’re not as squishy as Unicorns—no offence, of course—and we’ve got the instincts for hunting.” She waved a lazy forehoof. “Tartarus, if you gave us the whole plan now, we could fight this war without you.”

“I hope that’s not the start of a coup I hear,” Wits said, only half-joking.

“Not at all!” Mousetail shot back up, turning to face Wits with embarrassment on her face. “I meant that we can handle the fighting, not that we don’t, ya know, need you! You’ve got the plan, after all. And, uh, the long-term stuff. You’re better than we are at that.”

Wits sighed. “Good.” He stood and stretched. “Because that long-term stuff is why you, and anypony else who tries to take over Equestria, needs somepony like me.” A soft pop from his back elicited a groan, and he stretched the other way. “Do you know what the most important thing I learned when I was studying the other villains who’ve tried to take over the world?”

“...How to laugh the right way?”

Wits snorted. “No, but thanks for the reminder. It was ‘follow-through.’ Of the villains I spoke to, the one who got closest was Chrysalis. And she got there because she had a plan leading up to the attack, and a plan for what happened afterwards.” He turned, looking back towards the dim light of the cave entrance. “Do you want to know what would happen if this rebellion fired without me?”

“I get the feeling you’re gonna tell me anyway.”

“You’re right.” Wits shifted his weight and settled. “Divisions in command. Infighting. Looting and pillaging. Within the first few months, any organized structure would devolve into a country sized riot, and eventually collapse in on itself. All successful coups have somepony running them who can direct it all the way through. Without that, you just have a street mob with uniforms.”

“And the pony to run it is you,” Mousetail finished for him, standing next to the unicorn. It wasn’t a question; just a statement of fact.

Wits smirked. These ponies are so starved for leadership, he thought, All it would take is a moderately competent leader to whip them up. The Princesses really dropped the ball with them. And it’s true that without a pony like me to keep everything running, they’d collapse back to where they are now. His smirk evolved into a full-on grin. All according to keikaku.

Mousetail stretched like a cat, then took to a hover again. “So, what’d we do now, boss?”

“Now?” Wits scratched at his chin. “Let’s check on our guest and make sure he’s comfortable. A happy anchor is a helpful anchor, after all.”

“He really doesn’t realize he’s a prisoner, does he?” Mousetail asked, following Wits further into the cave.

Wits shrugged. “He is not a clever Aboleth.”

* * *

Five mares sat around the map in Twilight’s castle. Occasionally, some of them would hold scattered conversations, but by and large, they sat in silence. Eventually, one of them stood on their seat.

“Where the buck is Twilight?” Rainbow Dash called. “This is her castle, isn’t it? How can she be late for a meeting inside her own house?”

“Calm down, darling.” Rarity tucked a few loose hairs back into her mane. “I’m certain that she simply lost track of time.”

Applejack nodded. “Probably tryin’ to come up with a way to bring down them Accords. Safeguards or no, we can’t take care of those boys when we’ve got three hooves tied behind our backs with red tape.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash had taken to the air, hovering back and forth in a sort of aerial pacing. “Spitfire said PISS is reviewing my place with the Wonderbolts! Saying that it’d be dangerous for an Element to be under two chains of command at once.” She scoffed, folding her forelegs over her chest in a huff. “Like, this wouldn’t even be a problem if they didn’t make it one in the first place!”

“They don’t even have anything to back it up with!” Pinkie proclaimed. “I mean, they’ve been around for, like, what, a week? They don’t even have anything over the Royal Guard or anything! If anypony told them ‘no’, they’d deflate like a flan in a cupboard!”

“Now there’s an idea,” Applejack mused.”

Pinkie tilted her head to the side. “What, a flan?”

“Tellin’ them no,” the farmpony corrected. “Nippin’ this in the bud right now, ‘fore any vines start a’spreadin’. Right now, they only got the Accords, an’ those only apply to use six, right? What if we just… didn’t listen to ‘m?”

Fluttershy frowned. “But… don’t they have the authority?”

“You heard Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said with a roll of her eyes. “The only authority they have is what Princess Celestia gives them, and she ain’t given them horsefeathers yet.” She dropped into her seat. “I’m with Applejack. Nuts to PISS; we do this our way!”

“Do what our way?” Twilight walked through the recently repaired doors, eyes red from what was most likely hours of hard reading. “What’re you all talking about?”

“Revolution!” Pinkie Pie said happily.

Twilight blinked, then rubbed her eyes with the back of one hoof. “Let’s table that for another time,” she said, taking her seat. Two stacks of loose papers dropped onto the map in front of her, partially obscuring her from view.

Rarity leaned away as one pile threatened to tip towards her for a moment. “Um, Twilight? What is that?”

“A copy of The Tome of Horses,” Twilight replied flatly. “Since Wits stole the version that Discord gave me, I have to work with the copy I made.”

“That looks a lot bigger than Discord’s book,” Rainbow Dash said. “What, was it bigger on the inside or something?

Twilight peered at the pegasus from over the top of a stack. “Is that really a surprise?” Without waiting for a response, she grabbed the top sheet from one pile and set to scanning through it.

“Twi,” Applejack started slowly. “Why are you readin’ that?”

“Well, Wits wanted it.” Twilight slid her current page on top of the second pile, and pulled a new one from the first. “So I’m 95% sure there’s something in here that’s important to whatever he has planned.” She sighed, tossing this page onto the ‘done’ pile as well. “And…”

The table fell silent as they waited for Twilight’s next words, but the alicorn just pulled the next page and began reading. Eventually, Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “And?”

Twilight blinked in surprise, as if suddenly remembering the other ponies were there. “Oh, right. There was something I noticed about Wits during that last fight. Something that has to do with Discord’s adventure. It’s right on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t think of it. So,” she moved on to another page, “I’m going back through the source material. All of it.”

“How long will that take?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight stared at the pile of unread pages. “I have 37 stacks of pages just like this one,” she said flatly. “I started with 52.” She waved a hoof as she took the next page. “Go ahead. I’ll listen and read.”

Rarity made a small ‘hmm’ sound, but nodded. “I shall start, then,” she said. “After our little… encounter with the Panel of International Situation Solutions, I decided to find out exactly how this panel got started.”

“The senator from the Pony North West?” Fluttershy asked. “The one that one senator mentioned referencing MacHawk?”

“The very same.” Rarity leaned back in her seat, crossing her hindlegs in a ladylike manner. “Apparently the senator he was referring to is one Senator Baelhart.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “That’s a mite too close to Bael for my liking.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Rarity concured with a nod. “So, I did some more investigating. This Baelhart fellow joined the senate as the representative from the Pony North West while the senate was still looking for more members. The only thing of note that he’s done is bring up the panel that would become-”

“PISS?” Rainbow Dash growled.

“The very same. And then, just today, Senator Baelhart became Mister Baelhart.” Rarity sniffed. “Dismissed from the senate in full view of Princess Celestia.”

Pinkie Pie whistled. “Now that’s a career! Hired, inspired, and fired; bam! The senate’s only been around for, what, a couple of months?”

“If that,” Twilight mumbled, about a third of the way through her stack now. “Although, it was looking for members for a long time. When did he join?”

Rarity thought for a moment. “Not long, I believe. He proposed the Panel the same day he joined.”

“And then they send their goons after us a week later,” Applejack growled. “What’d he do ‘fore the senate? Some two-bit noble? Maybe a podunk mayor?”

“That’s the thing.” Rarity leaned in, eyebrows raising. “There’s mention of Baelhart’s name around Canterlot for a few weeks before he joined the senate, but nothing official. Mostly, it was restaurant owners familiar with him from multiple visits. But aside from that? Nothing.”

Rainbow Dash pursed her lips. “So we’ve got some guy with a name that sounds a lot like the most powerful of the three villains we fought in Discord’s game world, who showed up out of nowhere just to create a ball-and-chain around our necks, and the only people who know him before that are a bunch of waiters? Anypony else think that’s suspicious?”

“Mighty so,” Applejack mused. “Maybe we oughta pay him a visit, all friendly-like.”

“Easy there, big girl.” Pinkie held out a calming hoof. “I’m all for surprise parties, but maybe we shouldn’t go running after the meanest hombre this side of Badlands Red?”

Applejack frowned, but didn’t argue. “Who else’s got suspicious figures to bring up, then?” She looked up to see that Pinkie’s hoof had shifted so it was raised. “Really?”

“Really deally!” Pinkie hopped to her hooves, bouncing excitedly around the table. “Okay, so I popped up to the Crystal Empire to get some edible gemstones for a cake, right?”

Fluttershy raised a forehoof. “Um, how did you get up there and back so quickly?”

Pinkie paused, locking her eyes on the pegasus. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.”

Fluttershy sunk back into her seat. “Oh… okay…”

Pinkie’s prance resumed. “So anyway, while I was up there I heard a bunch of ponies talking about bandits that’ve been seen aaaaaaaaall over the place! It sounded like they were pretty worried about it, so I started asking around! Turns out there’s been two main groups that’ve been hitting the trade routes and ice farmers in the area. Not even Shining Armor has been able to stop them!”

Twilight made a disbelieving sound in the back of her throat, but didn’t say anything else.

“So,” Pinkie continued, “those two groups! One is made up of minotaurs, and the other’s a bunch of griffon raiders.” She turned to Rarity, looking expectant. “Sound familiar?”

Rarity frowned for a moment, then her eyes widened. “You can’t possibly mean the ones that beat up Light Patch, can you?”

“I didn’t think so either! But then I kept asking around, and the details kept adding up!” Pinkie nodded energetically. “It’s definitely the same bandits. Definite maybe! Very possibly!”

“So it’s a slim chance,” Rainbow Dash translated.

“Which means it’s a sure thing,” Applejack finished. “Knowin’ those boys an’ all.”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to argue, but nothing came out. “I mean…” she managed eventually. “I can’t really say you’re wrong.”

“What exactly are they doing, Pinkie?” Rarity asked. “If they’re close enough to the Crystal Empire that rumors are that specific, then they must have moved from where we found Light Patch.”

Pinkie pondered for a moment. “Just banditing, I think. Hitting caravans, raiding outposts, that kinda thing. Every three days, like clockwork. Sompony’s farm gets sacked and looted! Just regular bandit stuff!” She paused, then rubbed her chin with a forehoof. Her mane seemed to deflate as she continued to ponder. “Wait…”

Applejack scooted away from the other Earth Pony in her seat. “Ah dunno how Ah feel about Pinkie thinkin’ hard like that. Gives me th’ willies.”

“Every three days,” Pinkie repeated. “Every three days, like clockwork.” She was staring at a point somewhere beyond the far wall now, hoof partially raised. “Assuming neither bandit force has significantly increased their numbers in the time since Light Patch’s encounter with them, and taking into consideration the average food intake of both Homo Taurus and Panthera Aquila, their average rate of food consumption falls well below the projected amount they would have acquired via raiding at the frequency so far reported. Furthermore, the foodstuffs being acquired have a projected decay rate that indicates that a significant percentage of the food have spoiled before they can be consumed, and no significant increase in supply for the given resources has been reported in the area of the Crystal Empire.”

Applejack’s mouth formed a thin line. “Ah ain’t the only one freaked out right now, right?”

“What did all that mean?” Fluttershy asked.

“They’re not raiding to eat or sell the food,” Twilight clarified, levitating a new stack of papers in front of her.

Pinkie shook her head, a wide grin on her face and her hair back to its usual chaotic self. “That’s what I said!”

“So if they’re not eating the food or selling the food,” Rainbow Dash said, “why’re they taking it?”

“I’ll bet it has something to do with the Orb of Glacious,” Rarity grumbled. “Light Patch may talk about being neutral, but either he is this Layered Permafrost fellow or he’s directly involved with him and the dig. If these bandits are really the mercenaries from before, it’s possible that their banditry is a distraction.” She turned to Twilight. “Moondancer is supposedly part of the dig. Darling, have you heard anything from her?”

Twilight paused. “...No,” she said eventually. “No response from any letters I’ve sent and my magical communications are being blocked. I just get a song about how ‘the song never ends’ when I try.”

“That sounds like Light Patch alright,” Pinkie said with a nod.

“You said Shiny couldn’t handle the bandits,” Twilight continued, turning to Pinkie. “Why hasn’t he called for reinforcements? Like a detachment of the Royal Guard or the Wonderbolts?”

“Well, I can definitely tell you why he hasn’t called the Wonderbolts,” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “They’re stuck chasing down Thestrals.”

“Thestrals?” Rarity asked. “You mean Luna’s part of the Royal Guard?”

“No, I mean actual Thestrals. Like, Bat Ponies.” Rainbow Dash flopped onto her back, hanging her hindlegs over the arm of her chair. “Remember I said Spitfire was dealing with PISS reviewing me and the Wonderbolts? Well, she told me that’s hamstringing her while the Wonderbolts are on orders from Celestia and Luna themselves to investigate Thestral sightings all over Equestria.”

Twilight frowned. “But I thought Thestrals are native to the Undiscovered West. What would they be doing in Equestria?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “That’s what the Princesses want to know, I guess. Apparently ponies all over have been reporting them sneaking around, like, every big city. Trailing the local guards, probing defences, and generally being sneaky creatures of the night. No-pony knows what they want.”

“I might,” Fluttershy mumbled.

All eyes turned to the pegasus. “Really?” Rarity asked.

“Well, I-I mean maybe.” Fluttershy sunk in her chair. “Remember Mellroch, from when I was looking for the Misplacer Beast? And how he said Wits had been talking to the Thestrals? Well, if Wits is trying to take over Equestria…”

“Maybe he’s got th’ Thestrals on his side,” Applejack finished. “Using that hypnosis magic of his. He’d have a whole hootenanny of ponies just waitin’ to fight!

“It wouldn’t be enough, though,” Fluttershy said slowly. “Thestrals are way outnumbered by the rest of ponykind. It would be like… like a family of weasels taking on a herd of buffalo.” She fell silent for a moment. “Wits would know that… He wouldn’t throw them away for nothing, I think.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Well, if the Thestrals aren’t his main army, then what-”

“EUREKA!” Twilight shot out of her seat, landing on the map table with a single sheet of paper clutched in her magic. “Eu-freaking-reka!”

Rarity clutched her chest. “Sweet Celestia, Twilight! What could be so important that you scare us half to death like that?”

Twilight waved the paper furiously, a wide grin on her tired face. “This! This is it! This is the thing I was looking for! This is what I was thinking of when I saw Wits End at the end of our fight.”

“Well geez, Twi!” Applejack settled her hat back on her head. “Just say what it is, then! No need to spook us like a boulder through a hen house!”

“...Sorry.” Twilight coughed. “Right before PISS showed up, Wits and I were in the middle of our fight. He was acting strangely- Well, stranger, and I noticed that he had a scar on one leg. A thin scar running down his leg, and a cracked hoof.”

Pinkie Pie’s face screwed up as she thought. “I don’t remember Minty having any scars back in the game world.”

“Neither do I,” Twilight said with a nod. “But there was somepony who did have a scar like that.” She held out the paper. “This is the stat block for Chancellor Holdfast. Look at the notes here.” She pointed out a section written in a chaotic handwritten script. “This is a note that Discord made while we were still playing.”

Fluttershy read the note, and her face turned pale. “From when Holdfast was blackmailing Wits…”

“From the end of that,” Rarity corrected, peering at the note. “It says Wits attacked Holdfast and wounded his leg using his sword. Seems rather… unheroic of him.”

“Wounded his leg and split his hoof,” Twilight said. “We saw the scar when the villains attacked us later in the campaign. Even the human version of Holdfast had one. I didn’t think anything about it, but Wits’ scar is exactly like the one Holdfast had.”

Applejack tilted her head to one side and chewed her lip. “That’s great that ya found what ya were lookin’ for, but what’s that mean for th’ rest of us? How does one pony end up with th’ same mark another pony’s got?”

“I don’t know, but-” Twilight paused. There was an almost audible thunk as the alicorn’s mind made a connection. She whirled about to face the door. “Spike!”

A yelp sounded from behind the door, followed by a soft thud. A moment later, and the door swung open to reveal the small purple dragon. “I wasn’t eavesdropping,” Spike explained, rubbing a fresh bruise on his forehead. “You can tell ‘cause there aren’t any eaves in the hallway.”

“Spike,” Twilight repeated, crossing the distance between them and grabbing the dragon’s cheeks with both forehooves. “I need you to do something for me. This is very important.”

“Um…” Spike blinked. “Sure, alright. What’d you need?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “Do you remember the comic book you showed us? The one with Just Duty in it?”

“The Paladins of Equestria? Sure, what about it?”

“Do you remember the exact comic you showed us?”

Spike thought for a moment. “Issue number… 66? Yeah, Issue 66: Mind Welds. The one with the alternate cover Rainbow Dash liked.”

“...Are there any other comics in that series with the same plot elements?”

“Huh?” Spike raised a scaly eyebrow. “You mean where the Paladins merge with evil counterparts? Why do you…” The other eyebrow raised as he realized what Twilight was asking. “No way!”

Twilight sighed, still not letting go of the dragon. “I don’t know for certain, but if that’s one of the stories that actually happened, then-”

“I’ve got the whole story arc!” Spike was practically vibrating in place. “Thirteen issues total! And the spiritual sequel arc they did a couple years later; Into The Pala-Verse! That one’s only 6 issues, but they did a ‘What If’ issue a year later!”

“Go get them.” Twilight started to let Spike go, then paused. “And get Just Duty too. We’ll need him to tell us what parts are fictional and what isn’t.” She finally let go, and the dragon took off like a shot. A whoop of excitement echoed through the open doorway.

A few seconds later, Applejack cleared her throat. “Uh, Twi? Mind cluein’ the rest of us in?”

Twilight turned back to the rest of the group. “I think Spike has the answer to a question we forgot to ask back at the beginning of all of this.”

“And what’s that?” Pinkie asked.

“The colt’s villains got pulled into that portal too. When we got the colts out of limbo,” Twilight said, “what happened to their villains?”