“Let me make sure I understand,” Rarity said once she had gathered all of her friends in the Carousel Boutique, “You each thought I was dating you, individually, for the past who knows how long?”
There were murmurs of affirmation around the room. Some of her friends even muttered exactly how long the so called courting had been transpiring, most a far greater number than Rarity was even remotely comfortable with.
“Why?” Rarity asked through clenched teeth, “What in Equestria did I do to make any of you think that?”
They avoided eye contact. From embarrassment, or irritation, or maybe just because they lacked a real answer, Rarity couldn’t tell.
“Come on, Rares,” Applejack, ever the bold one, spoke up first, “Ah know we’ve never said it officially but ah think years of flirtin’ back and forth’s gotta count for somethin’.”
Rarity desperately wracked her memories of time spent with Applejack, back from their childhood together to this very day, for any hint of flirting either of them performed. She came up completely blank.
She didn’t want to accuse her friend of lying but for the life of her Rarity couldn’t recall doing anything even remotely flirtatious to the other mare.
“When, Applejack, has this quote unquote ‘flirting’ taken place?”
Applejack’s expression fell and she awkwardly adjusted her hat while a small blush crawled up her cheeks. “Shucks, uh, you know. Ah call you prissy and you call me ‘oafish’. Ah say your job’s snobbish and you say I’m rude.” She shrugged and gave Rarity a fond smile. “Romantic banter and the like. Granny keeps sayin’ we fight like an old married couple.”
Rarity gaped at the Earth Pony. She felt like everything in the universe simultaneously made sense and had been put through a blender. “You have been insulting me, and my business, for years, nay, decades, because... you thought it was romantic banter?!?”
Applejack’s face twisted into something not quite a scowl and not quite a pout either. “Well if you didn’t think it was flirtin’ why did you do it back?” She crossed one leg in front of the other and looked away. “That’s real rude of you, Rarity.”
Rarity had to bite her tongue to stop herself from screaming. But she could not stop the twitching of her eye.
“Applejack, don’t be ridiculous,” Twilight interrupted and Rarity smiled gratefully at the Alicorn for the distraction, “That’s not how Rarity flirts at all.”
Applejack side-eyed her. “And what makes ya’ll the expert on how Rarity flirts?”
Rarity felt herself breath easy even as her two friends glared at each other. After all, she did flirt with other ponies in front of her friends. Surely someone as clever as Twilight would simply pick up on her habits from a distance.
Twilight’s response was just a tad embarrassed but brimming with smug self assurance. “Well, there isn’t solid evidence we’ve been dating. But the statistics say Rarity’s been flirting with me since I arrived in Ponyville.”
Rarity almost choked on her own tongue. “I’ve been doing what now?” She stared at Twilight incredulously. “What ‘statistics’ are these?”
Twilight blushed but, unlike Applejack’s, this one seemed to be tinged with a hint of shame. “I-I’m not sure the exact instance but apparently it’s been happening on and off for years now! It’s been a… relative secret but all the signs are there!”
Rarity, and the rest of the ponies in the room, stared at Twilight blankly.
“‘Apparently’? Apparent to whom?” Rarity echoed, feeling more confused than she even had a few moments ago, “Darling what are you talking about? What signs? Where are you drawing this conclusion from?” The fact that Twilight couldn’t give her exact numbers was almost more worrying than where those numbers led her. Rarity expected Twilight to at least have a flow chart.
A bit of frustration seemed to crawl its way across Twilight’s face. “The signs are all around. They have to be. Grape Vine spelled it all out in her essay!”
“You read that you and I were dating?” Rarity’s eyes narrowed in a dangerous squint. “Please pardon my disbelief but what?”
Twilight nodded rapidly, a smile returning to her face. “Yes! It was in a magazine. They had graphs and pictures and everything! A whole chart was dedicated to your love language. It was very thorough and everyone knows magazines can’t get published without being reviewed so it has to be true.”
The silence that followed was smothering. Rarity was sure she heard one of her friends facehoof but didn’t turn to check, too busy trying to pick her jaw up off the floor.
“You read it…” She said softly, “In a tabloid magazine?”
Twilight beamed. “Yep! And their research concluded that we have been essentially dating for years now.”
“Twilight,” Spike groaned, “I told you to stay away from those magazine articles. They aren’t scholarly papers. Just because they’re written well doesn’t mean they’re true.”
Rarity had buried her face completely in her forelegs now. She had really thought Twilight wasn’t a complete idiot. She had thought that not two minutes ago. What a fool two-minute-ago Rarity was.
“Um… not to be rude,” Another voice interrupted before either Twilight or Applejack could continue about Rarity’s so called ‘obvious affections’, “but even if Rarity was flirting with you that doesn’t mean you’re dating. I think you have to actually go on dates for that.”
Rarity risked emerging from her forelegs. “Thank you, Fluttershy. One can’t possibly think I’m their marefriend if I’ve never gone on a date with them.”
Twilight opened her mouth, closed it, then pulled out a magazine from under her wing and started flipping through it while muttering to herself. “Have they documented any legitimate dates?”
“And I’m sure Rarity wasn’t trying to flirt with you two,” Fluttershy continued, ignoring Twilight and moving over to give Rarity a comforting nuzzle, “I never assumed she was purposely flirting with others since we started dating.”
There was a long beat of silence before Rarity pulled away from the Pegasus. She couldn’t even muster the energy to be shocked. Her face was blank and her voice flat as she asked, “Since...since we’ve been dating? How long has that been going on, pray tell?”
Fluttershy froze and met Rarity’s gaze with an expression like a cornered mouse. “Our… our spa dates? You… you call them dates? What else could they be?”
“Fluttershy,” Rarity dismayed, shaking her head sadly, “I… I meant those… it’s like a lunch date.”
Fluttershy simply looked more confused. “We have those too? We’ve been on lots of dates. I thought you didn’t say anything about us being together because you don’t like labels.”
Now Rarity just felt bad. Like the child delinquent with a magnifying glass instead of the poor crispy ant she actually was. “No, no, Darling. I am truly sorry for the misunderstanding on this. Because this one actually makes sense.” She glared at Twilight and Applejack who both averted their gazes. “But those were outings as friends. Just friends. We simply have similar interests and I needed someone to regularly go to the spa with. It was never supposed to come across as romantic.”
“Oh.” Fluttershy shrunk into herself, sounding thoroughly embarrassed. “So… we aren’t… courting?”
“No,” Rarity said as comforting, but with no room for argument, as she could, “No, we are not.”
“Sorry, Shy,” Rainbow spoke up from where she hovered above the group, “A real date with Rarity is way more personal and private. She goes to the spa all the time!” The Pegasus chuckled and then winked at Rarity. “A date is something just the two of you do.”
Rarity chewed on her lip and, moving away from Fluttershy, she turned her full attention to Rainbow. “I am, hopefully falsely, assuming that you also think we are dating each other?”
Dash’s easy smile grew strained and the next chuckle was nervous. “Well, duh. Come on Rares, you know what I’m talking about.”
Rarity brought her front hooves together and took a deep breath. “Are you, perhaps, referring to the times when we close the blinds and talk about our mutual interests in sports and fashion?”
Rainbow’s blue face turned red and she coughed into her hoof. “Wow, you just gonna say it out in front of everyone? I thought that was private. Just the two of us, ya know?”
“Rainbow, darling, we started those sessions so you could express your femininity and I could discuss my enjoyment of hoofball away from prying eyes and judging ears.” Rarity's eye twitched and she threw her hooves in the air. “For Pony’s sake we even had a talk about how it didn’t mean anything the first half a dozen times we did it!”
“Yeah,” Rainbow said, her grin slipping into a pout, “didn’t mean anything to my image. Trying on makeup with you doesn’t mean I’m still not the toughest and coolest pony around!” Her face scrunched up in confusion. “Wait… so you didn’t see anything romantic about it? You literally just wanted to talk about hoofball?”
Rarity felt a growl rising in her throat. “Yes, in private. I simply wanted to discuss it with someone who would understand. I didn’t want anyone else to know about that little guilty pleasure of mine.”
Rainbow gave her a confused look that bordered on disgusted. “You are so weird.”
“Well I’m definitely totally dating Rarity!” Pinkie declared before Rarity could figure out a way to reach the hovering Pegasus and strangle her. “I mean, we sleep together and everypony tells me that’s what you do with your special somepony.”
Instantly, five heads whipped to stare at Rarity as the alabaster Unicorn burned bright red.
“P-Pinkie!” Rarity stuttered, trying to avoid swallowing her own tongue, “You sneaking into my house and cuddling me in the middle of the night, which I have requested you stop doing may I add, is not the same as us sleeping together!”
Pinkie, for her part, looked genuinely confused. “It’s not? Then what does ‘sleeping together’ even mean?”
Rarity desperately searched her friends’ faces for help. Each and every one of them avoided eye contact as, finally, they seemed just as uncomfortable with the situation as she was.
Realizing she was on her own to deal with this, Rarity reached out and cupped Pinkie’s face with her hooves, fighting the temptation to just shake her until sense returned to the world. “Pinkie, sweet darling child, I am not explaining this to you. Ever.”
Pinkie’s face twisted into a frown. “That’s what everypony always says! How am I ever gonna have a special somepony if no one will even tell me what that means?”
Rarity wasn’t dealing with this right now. She simply wasn’t. “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, dear.”
Pinkie harrumphed and crossed her hooves as Rarity let her go and turned to face the rest of her friends.
“Listen everyone! I have an announcement,” Rarity declared, dramatically throwing a hoof over her face and squeezing her eyes shut, “I do not, and never have had, romantic feelings for a single soul in this room! I have done nothing in my knowledge to lead you on to these conclusions and anything I have done subconsciously, I apologize for. You are all my very best friends and I love you very much. But, and I repeat, I do not have romantic intentions for any of you.”
“Wait wait wait!” Spike called raising a claw into the air, “What about me? I get that everyone else was jumping to conclusions but… but you and me have kissed.” There was a beat of silence where everyone stared, slacked jawed at him, before he clarified, “And, like, actual lip-locked romantic kissing. Not whatever anti-innuendo Pinkie thinks it means.”
“I know what kissing is!”
Rarity awkwardly cleared her throat as eyes from every direction bore into her soul, demanding answers she could not give. “Spike… while I admit I have given you a peck on the cheek now and again-”
“No, it’s not… not like that!” Spike insisted, a blush crawling its way up his scales, “I’m not dumb enough to think those meant anything by themselves. I’m talking about… um… three days ago? You know, when you met me behind the boutique and… made out?”
Rarity stared at him blankly. This was, ironically, the only part of this conversation she wasn’t deathly mortified by. “Darling, I’m sorry but, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was in Canterlot all weekend to go over some business models with Sassy Saddles. You can check with her, I was nowhere near you at that time.”
Spike’s poor brain seemed to short circuit. “Wha? Bu-huh- then who…?” He trailed off as his eyes steadily grew wider until they seemed to pop out of his skull. Then, like a whip being cracked, they narrowed into thin dangerous slits. “Thorax. THORAX THAT ISN’T WHAT I MEANT!”
He turned on his heel and barrelled out of the boutique, yelling at the top of his lungs the whole way.
There was a beat of silence as the six ponies watched where the little dragon had disappeared, each one trying to process the implications in their own way.
“Well then!” Rarity cried, clapping her hooves together and making the others jump, “I hope we have all learned a very good lesson about jumping to conclusions.”
She glared at the gathered ponies and, at the very least, they had the decency to look ashamed and mumble half hearted apologies.
Pinkie raised her hoof.
Rarity didn’t even look at her. “I’m not explaining what an innuendo is either.”
Pinkie put her hoof down.
“Alright,” Rarity said when no one else spoke up, “Now that this has been completely resolved and will never be brought up again, I think I deserve a little bit of peace in my own house, don’t you?”
There were murmurs of agreement and her friends started to shuffle out the door. Almost all of them had left when Twilight stopped in the doorframe and turned to face Rarity with a hesitant smile.
“Um… I know this was all just a big misunderstanding…” The princess began, “But… if you ever want to go on… a date… I wouldn’t… I mean I’d like…”
“Twilight…” Rarity interrupted the stuttering confession of undying love from her friend, “That’s very sweet of you but… I simply don’t think now is a good time for that. I love you, all of you, but I would really prefer us just staying friends for the moment.”
Twilight’s ears flattened. “Oh. Okay. If that’s what you want then that’s fine. Of course. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?” She laughed awkwardly and a little too long until Rarity’s pitying stare turned to one of concern. “I… uh… guess I’ll see you around then.”
Rarity smiled kindly at her even as she shut the door. “Yes, darling, I will be seeing you. Goodbye now.”
The door shut before Twilight could get another word in and Rarity did not move until she was sure every single pony had left from beyond it.
Once she was certain she was alone, Rarity let out a long tired sigh and stumbled away from the door and over to her desk. She pulled out a piece of parchment and a pen and carefully started to write.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I know we’ve discussed this before and I do understand your reasoning but can we stop this discretion?
I think it would benefit both of us, and all our friends, if we simply let them know that we are exclusive! I hate lying that I’m single when I have the most magnificent marefriend in Equestria!
Our little secret caused quite a scene today. You see, I was with the girls and Spike in the market when…
Author's Note
A silly idea I've had on the back burner for a while. It came from me thinking about what 'roles' each of the main six play in their friend group (Fluttershy being the Mom friend, Applejack being the Dad Friend) and I realized that Rarity is the one everyone low key has a crush on and an outsider could not tell which one, if any, she's dating. The Girlfriend Friend if you will.
BUT this is just for funzies and has no real merit for how I actually view Rarity ships. Or any other solid headcanons, actually. It's just random.
Like all my stories, this was editing by Shipmun
