Music Therapy

"Well, Eri, it's been a week since your attempt. How do you feel?"

She climbs up onto the couch. Today she isn't as tense.

"Not great. I feel like nothing's changed."

"Well, it's only been a week. We haven't really found your breakthrough yet."

"Breakthrough?" she asks.

"Yeah. The thing that fits all the pieces of your life together and reframes it in a way you never really saw before. Supposedly it's a thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor."

She frowns despondently. "I don't think I'll have one of those."

You pause a moment. "You know, if you don't talk about yourself, we can't make any progress."

She looks up at you with those bright, expressive eyes. "I get that. I really do. I want to, I'm just... afraid. I've never opened up to anypony before."

You're a little surprised by that. "Not to anyone? Not a parent, friends, a... lover?"

She scoffs. "Yeah, right."

"Why is it so absurd for you to be in a relationship?"

"What?" she asks skeptically. "Are you serious?"

"I am," you insist. "Tell me, what's stopping you?"

"Ugh. What's NOT stopping me? Just look at me. Grey coat, black mane. THIS," she emphatically bobs her red streak, "I have to re-dye every two weeks. Just so I can pretend I'm a little bit like all those other mares out there. On top of that, I'm disgustingly fat. My barrel's shaped like a whisky cask. I can't even take care of myself. Most days I don't shower, and when I do, I just lie down in the bathtub and let the water run over me for an hour until I can summon the will to drag myself out. Even if I meet a blind pony or some shit, they have to face the fact that I am the most boring mare in all of Equestria. I don't have a job, I never go out, and I don't do anything remotely interesting. But, okay, let's say, against all odds, there's a pony out there who can somehow overlook ALL of those things? It wouldn't even work out, because of THIS!"

She stands up on the couch and spins around, shoving her flank out at you. She taps at her cutie mark, a broken heart. "I mean, what kind of sick fucking joke is that supposed to be?"

You stare at her speechlessly. She's probably said more to you just in this one tirade than she has all week.

Coming down off her rant, she becomes suddenly aware of your reaction and that she's flaunting her rear at you. She quickly spins around and sits back down, blushing in sheer humiliation. "I'm sorry," she mutters.

"I-It's okay." You stammer out the words, trying to reassure her. You're glad she's sharing, you just didn't anticipate the outburst. "Let's talk about your cutie mark, then. Is that okay?"

She silently nods, still looking down in shame.

"How did you get it?"

"I was a filly," she mumbles.

"Sorry, I can't hear you."

She speaks just a little louder, but still restrained. "I had a crush on a colt in school. He was really cute and sensitive, not like the other boys. We were friends and we always ate lunch together. One morning when we got to school, I put a note in his lunch when he wasn't looking. I was excited for lunchtime all morning. When it finally came, I sat next to him and watched him read the note."

You lean in. "So what happened?"

"He kissed me behind the playground after school."

She still can't meet your eyes.

"I'm guessing that's not the ending," you say.

She goes on. "The next day, I overheard him bragging to all his friends that he kissed me. I remember that made me feel really special. Like he wanted to show me off."

"That's good, then."

"That high lasted for all of three seconds. Because his friends had one thing to say. 'Ewwwwwww.'"

"Well, colts are immature like that."

"It wasn't an 'ew, you kissed a girl.' It was 'ew, you kissed the ugliest filly in the class.' And he... he immediately backtracked. Said he did it as a joke. Went along with them about how gross it was."

"And the cutie mark?"

"I ran home. Cried all day. When I finally ran out of tears to shed, I got up, and I wrote my first poem. That's when I got it."

"So your talent is poetry. I'm not surprised, after I read Future—"

"Do you see a quill on my ass?"

You're slightly taken aback. "N-No. I don't."

"It's suffering," she sighs. "That's my talent. Suffering heartbreak."

"I'm sorry." You don't know what else to say.

"That's why there's no point in me dating. It'll just end in heartbreak. That's the way it's gone every time I've ever felt love for anypony. That's all I'm good for."

"I don't agree with that."

"You don't have to," she says calmly.

No two ways about it.

She's given up.

The two of you sit in silence for a couple minutes.

"You ever been in love, Anon?" she asks.

Now that's a fucked-up story.

"Yeah. I have."

She settles down into the couch, putting one hoof over the other. "How'd it go?"

"I'm alone now, so you can probably figure that one out."

"I mean, what happened? There's a million different ways it could have went down. I always thought the journey's more important than the ending. So what's the story?"

Do you tell her? You haven't told anyone. It's history now. Doesn't change how weird it is. Way weirder than her story. But maybe it's good to open up. After all, isn't that what you're trying to get her to do? Trust is a two-way street. You're going to get as much out of her as you put in.

What are you so afraid of, Anon?

You sigh and slump back in your chair. "I told you how I knew about Equestria."

"Yeah, from the story about it."

"Well, there were some humans, like me, who were really into the story. So much so that we got really attached to it. The world, the characters."

"Yeah?" She's growing intrigued.

"Some of us grew attached to specific characters in particular."

"You mean..."

"I fell in love with a pony from Equestria."

"That's fucking crazy!" she yells excitedly, leaping up. "That's so cool. You fell in love with a pony before you ever came to Equestria?"

"That's right."

"So what happened? You must have been psyched to get invited here, to the world she lives in."

You remember that euphoria. Not only learning that Equestria was real, but that you alone were chosen to come.

"Did you get to meet her?"

"I did. And I don't know why I expected anything different."

"Oh," she says solemnly, sitting back down. "Shit, Anon, I'm sorry..."

"It doesn't matter. Looking back, it's obvious. There's no way she would have been remotely interested in me, even if she could look past my species."

"Did you tell her how you feel?"

"There was no point. I was all pumped up to meet her, and she treated me like a novelty. She was friendly, sure, but there was just this... imbalance."

"What do you mean?"

"I spent years getting to know her. Falling in love. Dedicating myself to her. I always thought us meeting would be like this moment of pure destiny. But when I looked her in the eyes, there was nothing in them. She didn't know me. She was just saying hello to the new stranger in Equestria. She had no clue what she meant to me."

"Still, you could have gotten to know her, built up a friendship..."

"I felt guilty. In that moment, I was nothing. To force it would be to intrude on her life, thrusting myself into a place I didn't belong. I couldn't lie to her. And the second I'd confess the truth, it'd devastate her. To know she's from a story in other worlds, the object of some alien's unrelenting affections... it'd be a total mindfuck. I couldn't do that to her."

"Do... do you still love her?"

You bury your face in your hands.

"No."

"Why not?"

"That day changed everything. It was a reality check. If she didn't know me the way I knew her, she could never be what I wanted, what I needed. All we really want is to be known, you know? To get that, you have to build a relationship. Together. Not something one-sided, from afar. It took some time, but eventually I just fell out of love with her."

She gazes over you sympathetically. "That's heavy stuff."

"Just as well. In my time here I've come to learn ponies aren't really interested in being friends with foreign species, much less willing to date one."

Eri sits up and pauses before replying. "We're friends, Anon."

You look up at her. She's meeting your eyes. No shame. No hesitation. No anxiety.

You sit there, across from each other, looking straight into each other's eyes. Slowly, you both crack a smile.

As she leaves for the night, you stop her on the way out. "Hey, Eri?"

"Yeah?"

"I like your coat. I like your mane, even if it's dyed. I don't think you're fat. I think you're doing your best, and I think you're a pretty good writer. And for what it's worth... I like talking to you."

For the first time ever, she beams at you. It's one of those shy, wonky smiles. The one you try to hide at first, turning away or putting your hoof over your mouth, but your happiness slips out anyway. The one you get when you haven't grinned in so long that you've forgotten what it's like. Just a bit crooked, a little too much teeth and not enough at the same time.

But it's something real.

After you say your farewells, you return to your desk. You haven't thought much about your former love in months. You used to pine for her every waking moment. And now, she feels like a distant memory.

Tonight was good. Talking to someone about her, it felt like... closure.

You pull out a piece of paper and get to writing.

Hey. It's been a long, long time since I wrote an Unsent Letter to You.
I think this is actually going to be the last one.
So I'll make this one count.
You know, it's been a lonely year.
But I don't dream of you the way I used to.
I think I've given up on you.
And, I think that's okay.
For both of us.
You can live your life, and I can live mine.
And hey, maybe, one day...
I'll learn to love again.
-Anon