Music Therapy

This is bad. This is royally fucked. You're in love with Anon.

Except, no. You're not. Because every time you love, it ends in heartbreak.

You cannot lose him. Therefore you cannot love him.

Oh, you dumb slut.

What?

You think you get to choose what happens? You remember how tingly you got last night?

It was a dream. It didn't mean anything.

Dreams mean everything. And this dream means you have the hots for a human.

No. I don't. I can't. He's not a pony. That's sick. That's twisted. That's—

Fucked up?

...

Face it, sweetheart. You're fifteen flavors of fucked up. Your tastes are bound to reflect that.

I don't want to love him. I don't want to lose him.

It's not up to you.

Please... I can't take this right now. I just want to be rid of you for ONE day

The last time I left you alone, a couple of the princess' guards had to haul you out of your bathtub.

I don't want to think about that

Face it, doll. I keep you grounded.

I don't need you. I'm doing better.

Then why am I still here?

...

You drag yourself out of bed and into the tub. No shower today. You run a bath. You feel so cold. So hollow. You need to be enveloped in warmth.

His warmth

No. It's just a chilly morning. Forecast even says snowstorm in a couple of days.

Oh, a storm's coming alright.

The water rises around you. You slide your back deeper into the tub and shut your eyes. Breathing in the vapors. Releasing the tension.

When you open your eyes, they land on your razor blade, still sitting in the soap dish beside you.

But it's okay. The scars on your hooves are healing.

I don't need to reopen old wounds

Not with him around

I want him to make new ones

Wait, no

Yes

...yes

He is good pain.

but... there shouldn't be any pain... right?

just let him hurt you

it doesn't matter

as long as it feels good

i'm so fucked up

i can't believe i actually want him to hurt me

it's okay

this is the only way you can feel alive

it's just a little complicated

complicated doesn't even begin to describe it

The water reaches your neck and you shut it off. Thin wisps of steam rise off the still surface. It's so warm. It stings.

Good Pain

yeah

he is good pain

When you get to Anonymous' office, you hesitate before knocking, anxiously tugging at your socks.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

Just go in there and ask him to jam his fangs into your throat.

Shut up shut up shut up

The door opens and there he is, looking down at you. "Oh, hey, Eri. I thought I heard you out here."

You dumbass! You were muttering that out loud?

"What's going on?" he asks.

"N-Nothing."

"Okay," he says. "Come in."

You follow him inside. Quietly. There is no banter today.

That's right. You really thought you could keep up that repartee?

no

i just didn't think it would be over so quickly

"Eri?"

Your eyes gloss over to him blankly.

"You gonna sit down?"

You're just standing in the middle of the room. What is wrong with you?

Shaking your head, you go to your usual spot on the couch.

i hate everything about this

I know.

You don't look at him. You just stare at the floor.

"I'm sorry about yesterday."

What?

His tone is full of regret. "I know that's why you aren't talking. I crossed a line."

No, that's not it at all.

Why aren't you answering him? Why aren't you looking at him? Why aren't you admitting that you're just a dumb bitch who caught feelings?

It's not his fault you're a pathetic mess.

So tell him that.

Tell him.

T—

"You don't have to be here," he continues. "I won't blame you if you go."

All you want is to be here. Where you were a day ago. Listening to music on this couch.

You're in the same place.

But you're not in the same place.

...

You wonder what his expression is. You don't have to courage to look. You haven't said a word since you came in. Anything you say will just make things worse.

Hell, your being here is probably making things worse. But you don't want to leave him. To leave him is to lose him.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him move. Your curiosity gets the best of you. You steal a glance.

And

And

His face is buried in his hands.

Oh, no

You

You broke him.

Please.

Say something.

Eri.

You have to talk.

Don't do this to him. Not now.

Please.

You're crying.

They're silent tears.

Stifling your breaths so he won't hear.

There's this giant lump swelling in your throat.

You want to cough.

But you can't.

It's getting harder to breathe quietly

it's getting harder to stay in control

it's

fuck fuck fuck fuck

stop crying stop crying

he's probably crying too

hiding in his hands so i won't see

do you see what you've done

you've ruined everything

where did you go

why aren't you harassing me anymore

drilling into my brain

letting the dark thoughts seep out like oil

let me speak to him

stop doing this to me

stop torturing me

this is so much worse

i have to talk to him

this is all your fault

you took away my hope

you don't fucking want me to be ok

you wanted this to fail from the start

everything you've made me think this week

was to sabotage this one good thing i had

tricking me at every turn to scare him off

now you won't even talk

you won't admit to it

you're disgusting

i'm disgusting

i'm cursed with you

forever inescapable

i know you wanted me to die

that day you left

that's what you're doing now

thats your plan isnt it

all that shit about good pain

you made that up to get me here

you told me to let him hurt me

now youre making me hurt him

not letting me confes to him

as the final stake in my hart

th last hart break

the 1 that drivs me ovr the edg

tht m-mks me do sooside

...

n

n-no

fuck you

no more drinks for two

i love him

i'm not going to hurt him like you want

i don't need to talk

i can still move

I know you are making me heavy

I will be strong

I am getting off this couch

OW

Fuck you

One fall won't stop me

Stop wobbling my legs

I need to stand up

Look

He sees me

He always notices my pain

I am getting up

Stop dragging my hooves

Step by step

Slowly

To him

Here

He is looking at me

He is confused

He has been crying

Let me lift my hoof

Stop making it heavy

I want it in his lap

Yes

Like that

You will not silence me

If my mouth will not speak to him

my scars will

NO.

yes

YOU ARE A FREAK.

i know

YOU ARE FUCKED UP.

so is he

HE WON'T UNDERSTAND.

he doesnt have to

HE WILL THINK YOU ARE A MONSTER.

but he will finally know me

YOU WILL LOSE HIM.

i dont care anymore

DO N̵O̸T̶ TAKE THE SOC̴̮͝K OFF.

stop shaking my hoof

IF̶ ̸̔YƠ̷̖U̵ DO̶͕̿ ̶̫͐T̵H̷I̶̱̋S̸̲͆ ̸̫̉H̴͍̅E̷̮̒ ̶͓̌WIL̷L:NE̸͙̔VER̴ ̷̹̚L̵͑O̷̾V̵̆E ̴̋Y̵͆O̶̔U̴̚.̵̞̔

...exactly

"Eri... I had no idea."

You're lying to her, Anon. You knew. There's no way you couldn't have known. You just didn't want to admit it. Didn’t want to believe she was capable of that darkness.

The darkness that haunts you.

You couldn't stand picturing her do it to herself. The way you once did. You pretended those socks every night meant something else. But deep down, you knew the truth.

She's shuddering violently. Almost seizing up. She's completely lost control of herself. Total breakdown.

It breaks your heart to see her like this. You want to comfort her.

You stroke the length of her hoof lightly, just barely grazing the scars. She shivers in response. Not from pain. From fear. The fear of being known.

You look down at the rubber band on your wrist. Your fingers still resting on her hoof, you slide it up, over, and off your hand, onto her.

You pull your hand away, and leave the band on her hoof.

That's what does it. She looks down at it, and just... loses it. Her choked-up cries are like daggers in your heart. This is the ugly crying.

The bawl.

The weep.

The wail.

She buries her face in your lap, sinking her muzzle deep into your legs in a vain effort to drown out her sobs.

All you can think to do is hold her head. Stroke her mane. Be with her. Because you don't know what to say.

You're not a therapist.

You're just a friend.

..................

There, there, Eri.

You're safe now. I brought you home.

Away from Anonymous.

Don't worry.

You're back where you belong. In bed.

You won't be going back to him.

He was going to hurt you.

You know that.

i

Shhh...

Don't fight it.

Don't think.

Just listen.

I know you don't believe it.

But I'm Eri, too.

I'm who you really are. Deep down.

You thought you wanted him to know you.

But that would mean knowing me.

Because I am Eri.

And I am unlovable.

If you don't believe it,

Just look at the picture on your ass.

That's me.

The moment he sees the real you,

He will resent you.

He will leave you.

He will hurt you.

Not Good Pain

But Bad Pain

Heartbreak.

You've loved so many times before.

Each of them ended in such turmoil.

Now, you love more than you ever thought possible.

So when he breaks your heart,

It will kill you.

I won't let that happen.

I'm the only thing keeping you alive.

After that embarrassing display, you're weak, you're tired.

It is hard, being known. You shouldn't have shown him that side of you.

Now you can't stop picturing the thoughts that must have been running through his head.

"Look at this disfigured mare. How could she do that to herself? How sick is she?"

See how the anxiety doesn't leave? It's so emotionally exhausting.

I know you couldn't stand it in there. Being so vulnerable.

You were terrified. You'd made a terrible mistake and you knew it.

You did the right thing letting me back in.

Letting me take over for you.

You're a broken pony. You need me to hold the pieces together.

I'll never let them hurt you.

Feels good to finally give in, doesn't it?

To stop resisting the darkness, and let it consume you?

It's like a security blanket.

The comforting familiarity of sadness.

You don't want to get better.

Accept it. The idea of getting better terrifies you.

Because without the sadness, you don't know who you are.

If you get better, then you'll actually have to be somepony.

There will be no excuses.

You'd have to get a job. Interact with other ponies every day.

Be normal.

We both know you don't want that.

There is no point in trying to change yourself.

If you get better...

Then you're no longer you.

So you don't need him.

I promise you, this is what you deserve.

Now, just curl up under these covers and sleep.

You'll never have to worry about Anonymous again.