Friendship is Bureaucracy: Marriage Laws
Look out! She has a briefcase!
Cadence and Shining Armor walked through the corridors of Canterlot castle, worried about the news that Queen Chrysalis had been seen again in Canterlot.
“What could she be planning now? You would think being thrown into the horizon would send the message of ‘you’re not welcomed here’,” Cadance wondered, until a tall dark figure appeared in front of them.
“Like that has ever stopped me.”
Cadence stood firm, preparing for a fight.
“Why are you wearing a suit?” asked Shining, making her wife do a double check on the changeling queen.
She was wearing a grey business suit with blue tie, some reading glasses, and a black briefcase floated beside her.
“What… are you doing?” Cadence asked, confused at the new look in her mortal enemy.
“I’m here to make my demands,” Declared the changeling.
“You were defeated… like three days ago. Guards are coming to arrest you as we speak.”
“That won’t be necessary, I’m willing to drop any hostilities with you ponies if my demands are met.”
“Yeah, like if we are going to give you anything.”
“Shouldn’t we at least hear what she wants? End things peacefully?” Asked Shining, but Cadence pulled him aside.
“She brainwashed you honey; you don’t need to defend her.”
“Don’t pull him aside, he’s the center of this conversation.”
“How so?”
“My demands are; to be allowed to live with my husband, Shining Armor, as his wife.”
Silence filled the corridor.
“Excuse me, what?”
“We married each other, remember? Three days ago?”
“No, I interrupted the ceremony, Celestia didn’t declare you husband and wife.”
“We were married in private before the ceremony.”
“What? How? By who?”
“Allow me to explain.” Chrysalis pushed her glasses back and opened her briefcase, taking out half a dozen documents before reading off one.
“You see, during the times of the wendigos, ponies weren’t really big fans of great ceremonies like the ones of now, and also some marriages were made in secret to avoid the judging eyes of other ponies, so when Equestria was founded, Chancellor Puddinghead made sure that these private types of marriages remained valid to help the ponies adapt to the new ways of peace and coexistence, without having some still-distrusting old folk shame them away from their union.”
Chrysalis continued with another of her documents.
“Later on, when ponies where more comfortable with their public acceptance, ceremonial marriages became the norm. However, due to ponies incompetence in anything other than spontaneous musical numbers; the old law of marriage wasn’t changed, so it’s still valid to marry in private as long as you have the right documentation as proof.”
She showed Cadence a marriage certificate, signed by her and Shining Armor.
“No, you must have forged this,” exclaimed Cadence, and Chrysalis pulled out another document.
“215 years after the founding of Equestria, Royal Ink invented a form of irrefutable signature based on a creature’s hoof or palm. This magical signature is unique to every creature and it can’t be forged. Even by me.”
Cadence fired a magic blast at the document, but it simply bounced off the paper and destroyed a window.
“It also makes it magic proof.”
“You are not married to my husband, Shining and I married after your invasion. He can’t have two wives!”
“Oh, he can. Polygamy has been legal since the founding of Equestria.”
“What?!”
“You see, to show the promise of peace and union between the three pony races, Princess Platinum married Chancellor Puddinghead and Commander Hurricane. It was a mostly political marriage, emphasis in mostly, and the practice of polygamy didn’t become very popular, but it’s still legal in the eyes of the law.”
Cadence and Shining had their jaws hanging open.
“But don’t worry, I don’t mind sharing my husband with you.”
“You are not married to him!”
“The documents say otherwise.”
“Celestia!” screamed Cadence, and the monarch appeared in a flash of light.
“Chrysalis! What’s the- oh no…” Celestia looked actually scared of the suit-wearing changeling.
“I want you to make this document null and void,” demanded Cadence.
“Why? What is it?” asked Celestia with an awkward smile.
“She married Shining without his consent.”
Celestia looked at Shining, and then at Cadence. “You can’t sign documents without some desire to fulfill the contract. The magical signature prevents it.”
Cadence stared at Shining, who was trying to remember how teleportation works.
“Would you seriously marry that thing?! She’s just an overgrown cockroach!”
“You do remember I can shapeshift, right?”
“Of course I remember. But before I murder you two, aunty, could you please just destroy this cursed piece of paper?” asked Cadence with a smile, but one could clearly see the vein she was about to pop.
Celestia looked at Cadence with a nervous smile. “I- I would. But…”
“Allow me to explain.” Chrysalis puled out more documents and cleared her throat.
“430 years after the coronation of the two sisters, Celestia tried to change some laws in Equestria to facilitate the industrialization of the country, but it was met with great opposition from other nobles, and by the end, it ended in a severe legal battle that threaten to start a revolution. To avoid this, Celestia accepted the demand that she couldn’t change or remove any laws not established by her or her sister to preserve the old culture of the ponies.”
“And the law of private marriage is one of those,” added Celestia at the end.
“Then get some other member of the court to nullify it for you!”
Celestia looked away. “About that…”
Chrysalis pulled more papers.
“Two years after the banishment of princess Luna, Celestia managed to stablish a law that dictates that all new laws had to be proposed to, and then accepted by, Celestia. And any changes or removal of laws would also need her approval. This gave her a monopoly in pony law, but it also created a loophole. She can’t interfere with laws from before this event, and any pony that could, now has to request Celestia’s authorization, which she can’t give for the reason presented before.”
There was a long silence. Then Cadence screamed.
“I WANT A DIVORCE!”
“You will divorce Shining?” Chrysalis asked confused.
“No! maybe.” Cadence looked at Shining, who had been slowly walking towards the broken window to escape. “You, will divorce this cockroach!”
“If he really wants that, it can be done. But first we would have to settle the custody of the kids.”
“KIDS?!” screamed Cadence, her vein finally popping.
“When we married each other, my hive became his, so they are all our children.” Chrysalis showed her the back of the marriage certificate, which showed a long list of names in tiny font so they could fit in the paper.
“Each one of the 16,437 changelings would need to be interviewed in private by professionals over the course of a week to determine to which parent they would be more comfortable living and preparing them for the possibly traumatic change in their lives. Then we would have to determine a price for child support that Shining would have to pay at the end of every month, and I assure you it will not be a short time.” Chrysalis adjusted her glasses. “Doing some rough math, I would say it would take around 315 years and cost 11,308,656 bits per month.”
Cadence and Celestia were speechless, and Shining would too if he hadn’t just jumped through the broken window.
“Wait, you are a criminal! You invaded Canterlot three days ago! Just arrest her and we will put all of this under the rug and pretend it never happened!” Cadence was starting to sound more delirious.
“Well, as I had stated before, if I’m allowed to remain as Shining’s wife, I’m willing to make peace.”
“And why in her name would we do that?” asked Cadence, pointing at Celestia.
Chrysalis pulled one final paper form her briefcase, this one covered with an old folder that had a TOP SECRET stamp on it.
“I’m sure the event 35 years after the coronation of Celestia and Luna as princesses would be preferred to remain secret to the public.”
“What event?”
“I Celestia, accept your proposal of peace and absolve you of your crimes against Equestria so you may follow your life as Shining’s wife.”
“Wait what?”
“I have the document ready.” Chrysalis presented the paper, and after a quick but cautious read, Celestia signed it, and the changeling queen following suit.
“No, you can’t do this to me!” begged Cadence to Celestia.
“Sorry Cadence, but it’s done. I hope you can get over it.”
“How am I supposed to do that?!”
Celestia lighted her horn, and a glass bottle with a clear liquid inside appeared in Cadence’s hooves.
“This may help.”
Cadence looked at the bottle’s stamp; ‘Yakyakistan’s special, 95% ABV.’
The princess of love was in shock, but after a few minutes, she opened the bottle and took a long drink before walking away.
Once they were alone, Celestia got closer to Chrysalis.
“Do you really know what happened that year?”
The changeling queen smiled. “You mean your marriage… to your sister?”
“You will never talk about this ever again, and if you hide any evidence you may have, you will have no objections from me about the integration of your hive to Equestria.”
“Very well. You know, I never got the details about that day, would you mind giving me at least a clue?”
“No.” Celestia teleported away.
“Worth a shot.”
That day, the changelings were declared allies of Equestria, which confused many, and enraged the ones affected by the attack, but the selected diplomat and spokesman of the changelings, Thorax, managed to mend any bad relations, and before the year ended, they were fully integrated in pony society.
As for Cadence, the rampaging alcoholism she developed from the event pushed the yaks to open a new brewery exclusively for her, which boosted their economy and helped the relations between the two nations.
Chrysalis moved in with Shining Armor and defended him from the alcoholic Cadence until she finally resigned and forgave him, giving some stability to the house and fixing their relationship.
She still hates Chrysalis though.
Twilight had a panic attack when she got the news of her new sister in law.
Author's Note
Something random I made between projects, I hope you like it.
Have a nice existence.
I will be watching you.
