Twilight Can't Get Laid

“I mean, just face it Rarity,” Twilight exclaimed with a groan. “I'm going to be a virgin forever at this rate.”

Rarity who had barely been listening and was sitting just across from her, blinked in surprise at that comment. She paused in her attempt to take a sip of tea from her cup. “Uhh, pardon me Twilight,” she asked. “Can you recap on that statement? I confess I was miles away there,” she apologised.

It was a Tuesday, and more importantly than that it was the second Tuesday of the month. Specifically in a chilly November. That meant as per her usual event schedule, it was Twilight and Rarity's monthly get together for tea at the Carousel Boutique.

Twilight knew it was, she had it booked out on her calender for the next three years of course. The young unicorn was very particular about these things.

Nonetheless, this had been an interesting few months for Twilight in her eternal quest to get laid.

After all, that was the focal point of Twilight's activities nowadays. Convinced she needed to advance in her friendship studies somehow, she had resolved herself to lose her virginity. She was twenty one, and that was twenty one years too old for her.

While friendship was about more than sex, Twilight knew that it was an important aspect of relationships. Cadence knew an awful lot about the subject and had told her much about it when she had been younger. Perhaps too young. And while love magic wasn't Twilight's primary domain, it did cross into the magic of friendship on the arcane spectrum of things.

The phrase friends with benefits didn't exist for nothing after all.

Her attempts at achieving intercourse had been fruitless however. For the whole year she had made repeated attempts at casual mating. Yet to no avail.

Poor Twilight's heart thumped as every day she drew closer to oblivion without having experienced the joys of orgasm with another. It was drawing closer and closer, and she was running out of time. She was already twenty one, after all. It was important to mention that fact twice.

That recent month had been awash with horrendous experiences. First, a Nightmare Night party in which nopony had understood her costume. Honestly, why didn't people recognise E.D.A from that video game PonyWatch. She was an icon of the video games industry, and the tight blue suit did wonders for her form.

Alas, all of the ponies hadn't recognised her and they were not instantly turned on as Twilight had hoped. This dented the unicorn's confidence significantly enough that she had made an early exit and cried in the bathtub.

Next there had been a promising success when Twilight had managed to convince Thunderlane to go on a date with her. However, the pegasus was such a normal pony that Twilight had been quite bored out of her skull. Worse she had managed to not impress him sufficiently to get a second date. Perhaps the half an hour lecture about vinegar had been a bit too much. Suffice to say that news had warranted a good cry in the bathtub.

After that Twilight had made good progress in successfully seducing Rose from the market stall. Things were going smoothly. Everything was perfectly subtle and saucy, so much so that Twilight was sure she was about to score. Then Rainbow Dash had come through the market at lightning speed and barrelled into the market stall. Flowers went everywhere and Twilight's hopes went with them.

At least it wasn't Twilight who had been the one crying in the bathtub that day.

Things weren't looking good and now Twilight was complaining about her failures once more to Rarity. Who as always was mentally designing dresses for Twilight in her head and not really listening to the problem.

There they sat across from each other on comfy sofas with a coffee table between them. The posh aesthetic of Carousel Boutique framed around them as Twilight repeated her tale to Rarity once again.

“Ahh, it seems you're in quite a pickle there,” Rarity commented idly. She was a little unsure why Twilight was making such a big deal of the situation, but as the element of generosity she listened to her concerns and offer what advice she could.

“I just don't know what to do next Rarity,” Twilight asked, sounding more and more deranged as she went. “Next year I'll be twenty two Rarity. Twenty two, and I still won't have had sex. I need sex Rarity, and I need it now.”

Rarity chuckled slightly at this. “Well, darling,” she began, her mind drifting to dresses once more. “Why don't you try dressing a little less. Ahh, conservatively?”

She gestured to Twilight's current outfit. A long skirt with long socks and rather plain shoes and a thick long sleeved shirt with a jacket. “Showing off a little fur wouldn't hurt dear. Come on, let me show you a few things that could help.”

Perhaps just an excuse to dress Twilight up, but it was better than nothing wasn't it? Twilight consented with a shrug. “I suppose it couldn't hurt.”

Rarity put her tea down on the coffee table and gestured for Twilight to follow her downstairs to the shop floor. There weren't any customers in at the moment, so they had the whole shop to themselves. Rarity of course ushered Twilight into the changing rooms and quickly produced multiple outfits for her.

“Try this one. Ooh and this one. And this one, oh this one looks cute, this one too,” Rarity went on and on. She didn't have to dress Twilight up in her mind any more. Oh no, she could just get her to wear whatever she wanted now.

Firstly Rarity put Twilight in a pair of short jean shorts along with a simple white vest top and some sandals.

“Ta-dah!” Rarity enthused as Twilight stepped out of the changing room.

“Well, this is nice,” Twilight said, to Rarity's growing enthusiasm. “There's only one teeny tiny problem,” she remarked.

Rarity's face grew in confusion, only to be answered by a loud annoyed shout.

“It's November,” Twilight cried. “Next outfit.”

“Why, yes, yes it is,” Rarity remarked. “But that doesn't mean you can't show off a little fur,” Rarity defended. “Granted it's cold, but when it comes to fashion these sacrifices must be made.”

Twilight wasn't buying it. “Next outfit.”

This time Rarity equipped Twilight with a lovely flowing black dress. It came with no sleeves, but it did come with gloves which went up to her elbow. There was a hood to the dress rimmed with black fur and the dress itself did a wonderful job of covering her. Except of course her purple cleavage which was fully on display.

“You look lovely,” Rarity enthused, clapping her own efforts. “So devious, so powerful. So mysterious. It's bound to catch a lucky special somepony.”

Twilight wasn't too impressed. “It's way too black. And what is with these gloves?”

“It's fashion,” Rarity protested. “And it looks gorgeous on you. Maybe a little too much black though, I will admit.”

Twilight again wasn't too impressed. The next outfit was another long dress. An evening dress to be specific. This time purple and silky and with no back whatsoever. Twilight was just thankful it covered her butt, because it didn't seem to cover her front either. One long strip of material covered each breast, wrapping around her neck and going down to her waist. Her whole cleavage on display as well as a healthy amount of side boob thanks to Twilight's larger than average chest.

“I look ridiculous,” Twilight complained as she showed off to Rarity.

Rarity was in love, giving a happy little giggle at her handiwork. “Don't be silly darling,” she enthused. “You look lovely. Okay, perhaps it's an evening wear attire. But this will definitely get you a special somepony at a royal gala.”

Twilight frowned, “But I don't go to royal galas,” she said plainly.

To which Rarity giggled, “Well. Now is a good time to start then. Do you know how much sex happens at them?” she asked. “Honestly darling. Princess Celestia is so ravenous. I've not had sex like it.”

Twilight's face flushed with red as she exclaimed. “Rarity, how is any of this helping me?” she asked, getting back on topic.

Rarity sighed, “Well you wanted to ahem. Get laid, as you put it. Correct?” she asked. “Well the right outfit is crucial. Critical even. You need to convey that you are open and available. You need to impress with your looks, your charm. Your natural charisma.”

She was met with a blank look from Twilight. “Natural, charisma?” Twilight asked in an annoyed tone.

Rarity could see she just wasn't getting anywhere and groaned. “Oh Twilight. I'm so sorry. I'm only trying to help as best I can,” she said. “I'm really trying. It's just, well. I never find it difficult like you do, I can...”

“Roll into bed with just about anypony?” Twilight asked bluntly.

Rarity blushed and straightened her hair. “Now now. Anypony is quite a strong word. Not just anypony no. Although, come to think of it.”

An idea seemed to be stirring in her mind as she pondered Twilight's situation more seriously.

“I suppose you could always just ask Pinkie Pie,” Rarity remarked.

This prompted more than a moment's confusion from Twilight as she tried to work out what Rarity meant by asking Pinkie Pie. “Ask her what?” Twilight wondered. “Does she know a good way of, umm, attracting somepony?”

Of course she would. She was the most popular pony in all of Ponyville. This was genius. It was more than that, it was a fool proof plan.

“Well, she knows a few,” Rarity remarked. “But no I was more thinking you should just ask Pinkie Pie to have sex with you,” she said.

Twilight was in shock, total shock. She reared her head back as her eyes went wide. “What?”

Rarity laughed at her reaction. “It's quite simple darling. Just go and ask Pinkie Pie and she'll be happy to treat you. Just be careful, she can be quite the bundle of energy in bed.”

There was continual non understanding and Twilight now simply looked confused. “Rarity, can you slow down? Maybe start from the beginning. How is asking Pinkie Pie to have sex with me going to solve my situation? You can't just do that.”

The white unicorn laughed at Twilight's ineptitude and decided she needed to dumb it down for her intelligent little brain.

“It's quite simple. Pinkie Pie is one of the most popular ponies in Ponyville. Yes. She's also the town bike. I'm not even sure I know anypony who hasn't had sex with her. Just go up and ask, and she'll say yes,” Rarity told her. “I'm pretty certain I've seen her at some of the orgies I've been to come to think of it.”

Twilight looked aghast. “You've been to orgies?” she asked. “Why wasn't I invited?”

To which Rarity looked offended. “Twilight dear. I didn't think you'd be interested. Honestly I'm not a mind reader. I'm not even sure if you have that spell.”

Twilight couldn't have been more red even though she was purple. “You didn't think I'd be interested?” she exclaimed. “What do you mean not interested? I've been trying to get laid all year. This is extremely important Rarity. Perhaps the most important thing ever. Why didn't you bring this up before? Why didn't you tell me about Pinkie Pie before?”

The poor unicorn was Twilighting hard, and Rarity was getting the brunt of it. “Well, umm. I didn't think Pinkie Pie would, uhh,” Rarity struggled to think of a reason to avoid Twilight's oncoming wrath. “Would count? After all, she's so laid back about it. I thought you would have had sex with her already.”

Apparently not. Twilight didn't know what to say to that. Was it that obvious, was it that clear that Pinkie Pie was so easy? How could she have missed that, how could she live herself down now. How come Rarity attended orgies? When was that a thing? Was everyone able to get some action but her?

Twilight groaned and face-palmed. “Fine, I'll go ask Pinkie Pie. But first I'm getting out of this ridiculous dress.”

Rarity was heartbroken.