Dopey Pie
By EpicBG
Pinkie Pie, as always, was bouncing down the dirt roads of Ponyville. The pink mare was searching high and low for her five bestest super friends to tell them about a party that she was hosting at Sugarcube corner, no details were given about what the party was for, if anything but a random Pinkie party. “C’mon Pinkie, what’s so important at Sugarcube Corner?” inquired the lavender mare. The party pony leading the group stopped her hopping to open the door of Sugarcube corner.
“You’ll see. I’m super duper certain you’ll all like it. Stay here girls, I have to get everything ready.” Pinkie Pie skipped into the confectionary and closed the wooden door behind her with an elastic forehoof before anypony could get a peek inside.
The sounds of coughing, crunching, and frequent clicks was all that could be heard by the five mares. After an inconsiderable amount of time, later Pinkie emerged with eyes just as pink as her coat, and in between her hooves was a family size bag of Cheetos. Behind her, on the stove in the kitchen, was a pot full of cooking ramen noodles. In front of that in the center of the living room laid a bowl of potato chips with caramel, M&Ms, and hay-con bits tossed on top. Further, the other side of the room on a table was an assortment of Häagen-Dazs, and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream with the tops popped off. Even more munchies lay on the tiny table, including Twinkies, chocolate cake, and candy bars. Something had dinged back in the kitchen: it was the five pounds of hot pockets that Pinkie had been placed in the oven.
“Oh, hey guys.” a small fit of coughing followed. “Come on in. I gotta go get something.” Inside the bakery it smelled different, somehow - like nothing anypony had smelt before. The smell of snacks and something foreign was leaking out of the bakery door, a plethora of flavor contaminating the group’s virgin minds and taste buds. Rainbow Dash’s tongue involuntarily lolled out of her mouth, saliva leaking onto the welcome mat. Applejack’s eyes had involuntarily turned a light tinge of pink in mere seconds, and her stomach began to rumble something fierce.
Fluttershy’s eyes also turned pink, she then experienced a small coughing fit. After recovering, she examined her hooves whilst exclaiming “Whoa dude, I have hooves!” multiple times. Rarity fell under a spell of the giggles and ultimately couldn’t help but fall to the ground and roll around laughing, no matter how dirty and uncouth rolling in dirt is. Twilight had immediately discovered the answer to life, the universe, and everything, which is forty-two of course, and accidentally teleported into the fourth dimension, only to return a fraction of a second later in a white flash with the help of a certain hazelnut colored stallion.
“Thanks Doc!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, yet nopony was there to thank. The remainder of Twilight’s friends, excluding Rarity because opening her eyes let alone talking was impossible at the moment, stared at her in confusion. As a result, Twilight’s cheeks turned a shade of red that the light spectrum usually didn’t allow, yet for this occasion it made an exception.
The door was opened fully to reveal that on the green rug inside the bakery sitting in a semi-circle passing a large pink bong was Cheerilee, who had just taken a hit from the enormous bong and was passing it to Big Mac. Big Macintosh, who was relaxing with a lampshade on his head, and taking sips from the bottle of his favorite brand of beer, Heineighken, accepted the bong with a content expression on his face. Mister and Misses Cake, who were locked in a passionate smoke kiss. Lastly there was Mayor Mare, who was asleep against the sofa. On her face, drawn in permanent marker, were various pictures of things ranging from crudely drawn penises on her forehead, to a stupid moustache and monocle combination. The mayor's hoof had been covered in whipped cream. Next to Cheerilee's rump was a large red and orange feather, presumably Philomena’s, which was being prepared to attack the nose of Mayor Mare.
The sound of giggling was prevalent in the room. Awakened from her solace with a feather on top, nearly inside, her nose, Mayor Mare slapped the itch away only to have her face covered in whipped cream. She let out a loud screech and attempted to pounce the phoenix in the room, but to no avail. In a fit of rage she stormed out of the bakery but not before being showed the drawing on her face by Big Macintosh, who did so by holding a large mirror in between his front hooves. The sound of a grunt and loud smack echoed in the room, he had been slapped across the face with a right hoof, when he hunched forward in pain, a backhoof came forward and hit him square in the nads, but it was all totally worth it to see the look on the Mayor’s face.
Derpy Hooves was taking puffs from a water pipe while talking with one of Princess Luna’s Pegasi guards, their chosen topic being the discussion of quantum space holes. Ditzy knew that the guard didn‘t understand jack-horseapples, so she tried to put it into layponies terms ”So you see, you go into either the orange or blue one, and you come out the other portal.” said Derpy. The guard still obviously understood nothing; he simply nodded head and smiled. He was just simply enjoying the company at the party, considering the fact that Guards rarely got days off the job, and that shifts in the castle can get awful lonely, this was understandable from the derp eyed mare.
On the other two mouthpieces were Spitfire of the Wonderbolts, and Lily, one of the flower arrangement mares. The two ponies were talking about which stallion they want to hook up with. “You know Fire, there’s a reason why they call him Big Macintosh…” The Pegasus turned a shade of crimson and the two mares began rolling around on the hardwood floor giggling their brains out when they saw Big Macintosh turn around and give Spitfire a convincing wink.
Passing a glass bowl between one another, Soarin’ and Braeburn were discussing the economics of Cloudsdale compared to that of Appleloosa. Vinyl Scratch was busy setting up her turntables on the countertop of the kitchen. Octavia, who wanted Vinyl to let her play some classical music with her ensemble, was pestering Scratch. It was promptly ignored with a hoof in the mouth. Dj-P0n3 then plugged in her turntables and Dj’d the shit out of the party with mixed tracks from ponies like Deadhor5 and Stallix. Berry Punch had been drinking straight vodka from the bottle and chatting up Carrot Top, who had a drink of her own - a Bloody Mary. Bon-Bon and Lyra were making out in the corner of the large room, no words were audible from the couple, and instead what could be heard were wet noises and an occasional moan. After being ushered into the party by their party pony friend, the five friends were immediately brought upstairs into Pinkie’s room but not before Applejack could nab a hot pocket or three.
On the way upstairs a single voice could be heard over the mixture of dubstep, electronica, house, and techno music blaring from Dj-P0n3‘s turntable. “Yo, Pinkie. This is the best bong EVER!“ Pinkie had her five friends go upstairs and wait for her.
“Aw that old thing? That’s Nothing. I’ve got way better things upstairs like this vaporizer. Anyways no prob Cheer’, glad to see everypony enjoying themselves. I’ll be back down in a few.“ At that, Pinkie trotted upstairs to her bedroom to meet back with her friends. There in the room was a small green and purple dragon smoking a blunt rolled with one of Twilight’s scrolls, which she used to mail the Princess with her weekly findings on the magic of friendship. The tiny snow-white bunny hidden in Fluttershy’s mane had hopped out at the disturbance from all of the talking and music that was interrupting his nap. There, inside Pinkie’s room, he saw Spike smoking the scroll and leaning against the wall.
Angel gave spike a sort of glare that meant, “Hey, pass that shit over here nigga.” Spike complied and passed the blunt over after taking one last hit, Angel then proceeded to take the biggest fucking hit ever, thus smoking the rest of the monstrous blunt. He’d blown out so much smoke that even Spike was in leering in awe and jealousy.
Sitting on the purple rug that adorned Pinkie’s room was the entirety of Cheerilee’s elementary class, including the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The royal alicorn sisters were sitting in the middle of the room, talking to the foals. “…And so you see children, that is how my sister and I turned Discord here.” Celestia paused to knock on the stone statue behind her. “Into a statue while he was singing an epic super villain song.” Princess Luna was wearing a dark blue gasmask that exposed only her horn and magically waving hair. Celestia was smoking a large joint, whenever she exhaled the smoke was of a rainbow hue. Perhaps the hash was laced with rainbows? Regardless, upon finishing the story the statue behind her shook. “Oh fine, you can come out for a few.” With a wave of her sister’s and her own horns, Discord was freed from his stone prison in a flash of white.
“Thank you my dear, now would you kindly pass that merda?” Celestia groaned and passed her joint. Luna began laughing like a madpony, possibly a side effect from having pot smoke seep into every orifice on her head. Discord took a nice and long hit and exhaled a bellowing cloud of colors.
The children in front of Celestia listening to her story were all sharing a single cigarette and munching on the hash brownies that Pinkie had prepared specially for the party. Scootaloo had been gone for quite a while now, leaving the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders to wonder where she was. In Pinkie Pie's bathroom, she was sitting on the toilet; dazed and confused, but had a twinkling look of pure ecstasy in her eyes. The only clue as to what was making her trip being the needle with remnants of a sort of liquid in it, but the colors in it didn't combine together like if you mixed two liquids. She was mainlining Rainbows! Rainbow Dash went to look for Scoots after asking the Cutie Mark Crusaders where she went and getting no answer, she found her in the bathroom and saw her in the state of happiness, her reaction to Scootaloo was, "Dude, that's hardcore!" She then brohoof'd with a half comatose Scootaloo and left to let Scoots enjoy the rest of her hallucinations.
Apple bloom and Sweetie belle had learned how to cook sugarcubes from Zecora, the resident dealer and chemist in Ponyville. Sweetie Belle, using her newfound magic abilities, cut up the cubes with a razor that was being manipulated by her own azure aura that was much like her sister’s own. Upon seeing their siblings, Apple bloom and Sweetie belle attempted to hide the cut up ‘cubes, but Applejack nor Rarity took any care considering everypony else was doing something pertaining to drugs, even the Regal sisters, therefore it couldn’t be too bad what their younger sisters were doing.
Twilight, the curious mare that she is, asked, "Where did you get this all Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie giggled and told her that her profits were going down, so she asked Zecora for advice.
The Zebra said to her "Take these special herbs and device, which will make your cakes and treats taste extra nice!" Pinkie Pie produced, from thin air, the "device" as Zecora called it. "It" was a large rainbow painted Hookah with six mouthpieces, each colored a different color. One was pink, the next was cyan, another was lavender, yellow, the second to last one was orange, and the final one was alabaster. Pinkie Pie packed the apparatus and told her friends to take a seat around it and take one of the pipes. Her friends all took seats on a small rug as they watched Pinkie take repeated hits off the pink piece. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were the first of the five to try it. They both easily got competitive to see who could get baked faster. Fluttershy soon succumbed to curiosity and took a light puff, and as a result of having never smoking before, had a Panic attack and rolled up into a ball on the floor.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack gave her shit about it "Aww, lightweight!" they chanted, Fluttershy got up from her ball-form on the floor and showed them that she was in fact not a lightweight. Next was Rarity who decided that if a majority of her friends were smoking, it must be fun. The five friends who were getting shitfaced all saw Angel smoking with Spike, he walked over to Pinkie pie with a wooden pipe that he produced from his...pockets?
Pinkie packed it and sent the bunny on his way, but not before being apprehended by the baked buddies. "Oh my god, this bunny is, like, so soft!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash and Rarity in unison, they were each rubbing one of Angel's giant bunny ears.
Fluttershy started rubbing Angel's belly and said, "I know, right?" Applejack just sat there with a poker face that only Celestia could beat, but she eventually decided to pet the soft bunny. Discord slithered his way over to Twilight, who refused to smoke.
“Hello Twilight, would you like a hit of the roba buona?” queried Discord as he exhaled a puff of rainbow colored smoke into the face of the librarian. Twilight, being the adorkable nerd that she is, denied by stating, “I don’t need drugs to feel good.” Luna heard the statement from the bookworm and signaled for her sister to pin Twilight down with her magic. Luna shook off her gas mask and magicked it onto Twilight’s struggling face. In an instant Twilight stopped struggling and let the fumes work their magic. The purple pony felt as if she was somehow lighter, as if she was flying, and she experienced a more cognitive understanding of everything, and got extremely giggly. Upon taking off the gas mask Luna’s eyes were revealed to be a color of pink not unlike that of Pinkie Pie's coat. Plastered on the princess of the night’s face was a large stupid grin that seemed as if it were permanent.
“Hey… ‘Tia, we shall be right back: we require some munchies.” said Luna, informing her sister about her sudden hunger.
“A’ight. Bring me back some Cheetos or something.” Pinkie Pie, seemingly out of nowhere, appeared to present the bag of Cheetos she had under her arm to the elder princess. Celestia peered into the bag and magicked some Cheetos into her mouth. Highlight Sparkle, and her friends, Gigglity, Rainbow Hash, Applejane, Puffershy, and Dopey Pie shall forever remember the next thing that happened. Princess Celestia’s mane and tail both turned into raging blue fires that seemingly swayed in a non-existent wind, she unfurled her wings and flew down the stairs knocking her sister over causing her to tumble down the stairs head first.
A crowd of six baked buddies peeked their heads out the door down the staircase. Celestia reached the ground level; no water was to be seen. She looked around frantically to see if there was water of any kind in the room. The Princess saw the group of ponies passing Pinkie Pie’s perfect pot puffing bong around in a semi-circle, puff-puff passing the glass apparatus. She galloped into the group and levitated the piece into her mouth turning it upside down, the blackened water quenching her inflamed throat but ultimately leaving the taste of tar and burnt matter in her mouth. This turned her mane back into the turquiosey-pink-blue that it was prior to eating the Cheetos.
Cheerilee and Big Mac stared bewildered at the Princess. Slowly regaining her composure, the princess apologized to the group and telekinetically passed the bong back to Big Macintosh who went into the kitchen to get more water for the appliance. She trotted back up the stairs to only be greeted with the scene of Princess Luna bleeding out of the ear all over the base of the stairs knocked unconscious, Fluttershy racing down the stairs to tend to the royal concussion. Pinkie Pie skipped down the stairs to brandish the bag of Cheetos amidst her fit of giggles, it said in big red letters Flamin‘ Hot. “Pinkie Pie, Do you like bananas…?”
The End
