Shelter-in-Vlog

by Antiquarian

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Main 7 (EqG), Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Anthology, Sunset Shimmer, Second Person
Length: 12373

Stuck at college with only a housemate and a dog for company, Sunset Shimmer vlogs to cope with the COVID-19 lockdown. Let’s see if it catches on.

Stuck at college with only a housemate and a dog for company, Sunset Shimmer vlogs to cope with the COVID-19 lockdown. Let’s see if it catches on.

Teen because I'm not entirely sure where this is going to go. This will be somewhat audience driven, in that other characters and vlogs may be added if there's an interest.

My Little Pony and its characters are owned by Hasbro and its affiliates. I have no clue who owns the memes so... I guess they're the property of whoever made them? I don't know. I ain't a lawyer.

Published 2020-04-25 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-15 00:46:17 UTC

A Shimmer of Comedy

What… is… up, YouTube? This is Sunset Shimmer coming to you live from the crippling boredom of my quarantine. It is my fourth week being stuck inside and I am rapidly approaching the point where I am considering starting a prank war with my housemate just to have something to do.

This would be a terrible choice, for the record, because Twilight is both a better engineer than me and more likely to escalate into mad science to achieve her revenge but… I almost don’t care.

I suppose I should be thankful that even though the lockdown stranded me at my house, it at least stranded me with a friend, you know? If Twilight was the type of student to just skip college whenever she felt like that and run home or run out on some trip, I’d be here alone. And I, um… well, let’s just say I don’t want to think about what I’d do.

Where I come from, video calls to stay in contact aren’t, uh, aren’t really a thing, so I kinda need a certain degree of personal interaction to stay sane.

Twilight, I’m sorry you and Spike are stuck here with me.

But not that sorry.

It could be worse. Applejack and Rarity were in Alaska with the rest of their bio class for an in-depth look at the ecosystem… and now they are stuck up in Alaska thanks to an airline screwup that overbooked the flight and left them behind. The rest of their class made it back, but they got stranded.

Fortunately AJ has family everywhere, so they’ve got a place they can stay. Unfortunately, that family is kinda in the middle of nowhere so… I’ll give you three guesses how Rarity’s handling the ‘rustic’ living.

First two don’t count.

Maybe AJ will take her hunting and go-pro it. That I would watch.

Sorry, Rarity, nothing personal. I’m just bored.

Fluttershy is back home, so at least she’s with family. Though, knowing her, she’s probably sneaking out at night to tend the animals of the city.

Um… any law enforcement agencies watching this? Let the records show that I’m kidding about that and that Fluttershy is a good and law-abiding citizen.

Dash and Pinkie are stuck at college like Twilight and I. So, you know, just another pair of housemates in lockdown, right? Just low-key hanging out like Twi and I, right?

Well, technically that’d be true… if one of those housemates wasn’t Pinkie Pie… who has been unable to throw parties… or host game nights… or plan any sort of shindig… for several weeks.

I’m not sure if I feel worse for Dash or for Pinkie in this situation, but if Dash makes it through this without needing to see a shrink, I’ll owe AJ fifty bucks.

Gotta say, it’s given me a greater appreciation for servicemen and women who get deployed overseas or at least out of state. So, shoutout to you folks in uniform – you have not only my gratitude, but my unbridled respect.

But, everyone’s finding ways to stay busy. Fluttershy is vlogging about obscure animal facts, Twilight is teaching science and engineering at a level that should proooobably net her a PhD, Dash is throwing herself at about eight kinds of content all at once, Applejack is teaching DIY everything because, seriously, that family is prepped to outlast six different apocalypses simultaneously, and Rarity is making DIY beautification videos for when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere without access one’s accustomed, ahem, boutiques.

I have no doubt that these beautification videos will become progressively more manic as time goes on and it will be funny to watch.

… sheesh, I get kinda mean when I’m isolated for too long.

You might have noticed I didn’t mention Pinkie on that list. That’s because she kind of deserves her own explanation. You see, I’ve come to learn over the years that you just can’t stop the PONK, and what that means right now is that she’s bound and determined to continue throwing people parties… from afar… via party packages.

Like, with cake and presents and confetti firing from cannons.

Seriously.

I don’t even know where she’s getting the stuff to do this but… can’t stop the PONK. The world could be ending and she would still be making sure people got their birthday cakes. And un-birthday cakes. And I-think-you’re-special-even-if-I-can’t-come-see-you-without-a-hazmat-suit cakes. You gotta admire that kind of spirit.

Though, Pinkie, if you’re watching this, I have one request: Cool it with the confetti cannons. It was charming at first, but we’ve got confetti showing up in the pots and pans now. I think I coughed up a streamer the other day.

I love you. Please stop.

As for me, well, I’ve had time to think. And, in my thinking, I realized there are a lot of positives that can come out of this sort of thing.

No, I’m not crazy. Well… maybe I am, but this isn’t because of that. Let me explain.

Isolation sucks, plain and simple. But, in a lot of ways, it’s good to have a chance to be bored. I mean, it’s not fun, but life’s often not fun.

We need to be able to do low-dopamine tasks instead of just chasing a dopamine high all the time. We need to be able to be alone with our thoughts and just… contemplate things, without feeling the need to fill our days with doing stuff.

In the long run, this not only makes us more productive, but it actually makes us enjoy our time off more. It means that, when we’re off-the-clock, we don’t always have to be just go-go-go all the time, stressing about our leisure by trying to fill every last second with this weird I-must-be-having-the-time-of-my-life mentality.

At least, that’s what Twilight tells me, because she’s been reading about three philosophy books a day. The most recent one on the list was Leisure: the Basis of Culture by Joseph Pieper, which is really good and you should probably read it instead of doing what I’ve been doing with my time. Namely, falling deeper into the internet hole.

Because… yeah. Despite the fact that I stand by everything I just said about not chasing the dopamine hits, I have been a complete hypocrite and spent waaaaaay too much time online.

Some of which has been productive, some of which has been… difficult to quantify.

I mean… I’ve learned a lot of new things, which is pretty cool, but it’s taken me to some… odd places.

Like, I just spent half an hour watching a military guy talk about a functional replica of the Halo series’ MA37 Assault Rifle, and he did the entire thing in character as though he were a retired soldier in-universe talking about the weapon and its pros and cons, which was really interesting, and that led me to watching a bunch of videos on forgotten weapons, followed by some guy reviewing… um… gun memes.

Like I said, difficult to quantify.

The first one at least kinda made sense – I play video games, I love Halo, it’s topical, you know? Then I was thinking, “Well, forgotten weapons… that’s history, right? I’m on enforced break from school, but I’ve still got assignments. Maybe I can get a paper out of this.” Then I got into the memes and… I don’t know. I just really don’t know where my day went.

I don’t even know much about guns. I mean, I know basic firearm safety and first aid, because, come on, I’m friends with Applejack. It’d kinda be impossible to be her friend and not get that. But that’s it. I don’t how this started.

Actually, that’s not true. I do – a friend sent me the videos, but that’s a weird story for another day. Maybe if this gets enough views and a lot of people hound me about it I’ll tell it in another video, but for now I’ll just tell you:

It wasn’t AJ.

That did get me thinking about what I could be doing to help people during this time, though. And then I thought about how much Pinkie talks about laughter being the best medicine. So, maybe we all need some light-hearted stuff to laugh at during this time. Some stories, some jokes, and, of course, some memes.

Yeah. Twilight and Fluttershy are teaching science, AJ and Rarity are teaching practical tips, and I’m gonna be… reviewing memes.

…

Because this is what my life has become.

We’ll see if this format lasts. Honestly it will probably depend on whether or not you guys like it or if you’d rather just hear funky stories, but for today I’ll bust out my phone and we’ll start with a few Corona memes.

Nothing too edgy, though. Not sure if the Google gremlins will play nice with that request but… we’ll see how it goes.

Just… uh… just do me a favor and go do that inner-contemplation-and-peace thing I was talking about earlier so I don’t just feel like a drug dealer in a back alley passing out dopamine hits.

Alright, first up is a look at—

*snicker*

Okay, I guess I did say Corona memes, but I didn’t mean it quite like this.

I guess it was inevitable. I mean… a slow pitch like this, right across the plate, you gotta take a swing. Bet there’re a bunch of these out there.

Man, I’d hate to be on Corona’s marketing team right now. What do you even do with that?

Like, seriously, what could you do with a name like ‘Corona’ for your beer in this environment?

Actually, I’d hate to be on Corona’s marketing team in general. I’d have to tell people the beer was good and I think lying would wear on me.

By the way, if you like Corona beer… I’m sorry.

*muffled words*

What’s that, Twilight?

I said are you sorry for the joke or sorry they like the beer?

…

I plead the Fifth

*laughter*

Anyway, now that I’ve guaranteed I won’t be getting a Corona sponsorship, let’s see what else we’ve got.

Hah!

Okay, that pun was painful, but I just love that meme format. Besides, puns are kinda supposed to hurt.

Though I do hope my entire feed isn’t just beer jokes.

Next meme!

I honestly don’t know enough about Canadians and their love of hockey to speak on this with any authority, but I have heard that this is what happens whenever Canadians go to war. You hear about these guys who went on one-man rampages to liberate entire towns during World War Two and think, “You folks must have a lot of pent-up aggression, eh?”

So… yeah. I’d believe this one.

What else we got?

*laughter*

Yeah, accurate. I don’t really have anything to add to that one.

Next one looks like it’s from Hunger Games and— Hah! Okay, that’s awesome!

When I’m feeling kinda melodramatic, this is legit what it feels like to go shopping.

Man, Hunger Games. Haven’t thought about them in a while. How different would it have been if the entire thing had just been a satire of dystopian novels where the whole thing was a war over toilet paper.

Probably would have been better.

Wow, I can already hear the angry typing in my comment section, so let me explain.

I don’t hate the Hunger Games, I just have a hard time taking them seriously. Mostly because the whole villainous empire just makes no sense. As someone who has spent… probably an unhealthy amount of time thinking about world domination and the many ways not to do it, partially from personal missteps, I am quite confident in saying that Panem wouldn’t last a year; at least not at that level of technology and prosperity in the Capital.

Soapbox moment!

To give just one example, they take an entire massive district and say, “Lumber.” Just. Lumber. What if they have other valuable natural resources there? Lumber. What if they have other fine goods they could be producing? Lumber.

I don’t know, maybe they’d be able to control the country just by sitting on all the guns and nukes and disarming the populace, but they wouldn’t be able to build this super-advanced society without some degree of freedom, innovation, commerce, and self-determination amongst the populace. This is why tyrannical regimes ultimately burn themselves out – they eventually destroy their own capacity to build and innovate and have to steal from other countries to survive

Except Panem has no one else to steal from, and they’re completely mismanaging the resources they currently have.

There. You’ve learned something. Now I feel less bad for enabling my fellow dopamine addicts.

Couple more memes and we’ll call it a day.

Next is a cat. Who doesn’t love cats?

Me. I don’t love cats. Which is part of why I find this so funny.

>>>Couldn't overcome technical difficulties to upload this one. Send help. Follow link in meantime<<<

Before you cat lovers hate on me… I’ve had a couple individual cats I’ve loved, but I just can’t shake the feeling that most cats look at me like they’re sizing up the local bloodstock. It’s creepy.

Please don’t be mad, Fluttershy. I’m glad you can see the good in the whole of Felinity, but I’m just not there yet.

Up next is Baby Yoda! I love the Baby Yoda meme! This oughta put a smile on my…

...

…

… aaaaand now I’m gonna be thinking about that when I lie awake at night.

‘Cause that’s just…

… ew.

Rarity probably shouldn’t watch this video.

Well, on that germaphobic note, I think that’s a good place to call it a day.

Let me know what you think of the new video format and if you want to see more of this or something else. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an upload.

Or, you know, go read a good book. Twilight probably has some recommendations.

*muffled interjection*

Check that, Twilight definitely has some recommendations.

Stay healthy, friends! Catch ya later!

…

And… please… when this is all over… keep washing your hands.

Author's Note

This story was a product of me having too much time and not enough deep thoughts. I justified it to myself by saying, "It's good practice writing in a style I'm not familiar with." Which is a nice way of saying you're my guinea pigs.

I'm not sure if I'm sorry or not.

What to folks want: More memes? Something else from Sunset? Vlogs from the other girls on other topics? Let me know in the comments below.

Also, for this and future uploads, I'll make an effort to post links in the description for any unviewable memes in case technical difficulties strike again.

Which they will.

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The Meme-ening

What… is… up, YouTube? It is Sunset Shimmer coming to you live from isolation. The walls are closing in, my patience is wearing thin, and the only thing keeping me from starting a prank war with Twilight is my crippling fear that she will go full mad scientist on me.

Today we’re going to be looking at some more memes because you junkiesall liked your dopamine fix last time and I’m an enabler. But before we take the plunge into cheap laughs and my boredom-fueled attempts at standup, I’ve got a couple bits of housekeeping.

First, I heard some of you had problems with the video quality last time – memes uploading badly and not displaying properly. Meaning that I, your trusted purveyor of laughs, have failed to deliver on my promises of hilarity. For this grave sin, I can only say:

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

In the future I’ll try to be better about making sure they upload properly but, in case I miss something, I’ll link the memes in multiple ways and post the links in the description.

Second, I mentioned Twilight’s deep dive into philosophy last video. Well, that dive has gone so deep that she’s now looking to drag some of you under the surface with her, down into the depths of wisdom like some sort of scholarly siren.

*muffled outrage*

Speak up, Twilight. The mic can’t pick up your melodrama from the other room.

How am I the melodramatic one? You’re the one saying I’m going to drown people in knowledge!

Well, how would you characterize it?

I’m going to provide practical tips about applied philosophy in the hopes that people may find something truly edifying in the midst of this enforced downtime. After all, if we can’t change our circumstances, we can at least improve how we deal with them.

That good thinky job, friend. You do smart thing. Me talk memes now.

Oh, please! You’re as much an intellectual as I am!

Me not know what ant-lick-tool mean. Me talk memes now.

Ugh! You’re impossible!

And you make it too easy.

*unintelligible annoyance*

Would it make you feel better if I promised to post links to your videos when they come out?

… slightly.

Good. Twi friend happy now. Me talk memes.

*disgruntled muttering*

Heh heh! I am so going to pay for that later.

But, that’s future Sunset Shimmer’s problem! Let’s get this meme train a-rollin’! Choo Choo!

And we’re starting off strong with some good old Star Wars humor.

I’m actually pretty impressed with this meme. Solid shot of Darth Dad from the best Star Wars movie, undertones of dark humor without being overbearing, enough bullet points to make the joke without having so many that it becomes tired, and keeping a good black-and-white motif with background and lettering that match the Sith-Ski-Trip-to-Hoth picture.

My only real complaint is that it could stand to have a closing phrase to bring it home. As it stands, it just sorta drops off.

I don’t know. Small thing and maybe it’s just me. Still, 7 out of 10, would chuckle again.

Keeping with the movie theme, next up is Spider Man.

Heh heh. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until something reminds you of your mortality, isn’t it.

Sidebar that has nothing to do with Crappybeervirus: can we all take a moment to appreciate that Tom Holland is the best cinematic Peter Parker? And I say that even though I didn’t like Far From Home that much.

It wasn’t bad, I just didn’t think it was on Homecoming’s level. I didn’t really like Endgame either.

But, that’s just my opinion. Don’t start a… civil war in the comments section.

Eh? Eh? Get it… ’cause it’s… it’s a civil war… like the Marvel movie of the same name that…

…

I’ll show myself out.

*chair scraping*

Wait, I can’t go anywhere…

*reverse chair scraping*

I guess you’re stuck with me! Next meme!

Hah! Awesome! I wonder if that would hold up in court? I mean if you had the right—

… wait…

… I think I know that guy on the left…

Is that AJ’s Uncle Crabapple?

Hold on, I need to make a quick text…

…

While I’m making you wait, kind of a cool story I heard from one of my friends: apparently, there’s a distillery that’s making hand sanitizer and giving it out for free.

So that’s neat.

Anyway, next meme!

…

Okay, I could talk about how that’s kinda meta, given the content I’m producing here, but I’m more distracted by the fact that the metronome isn’t centered on the screen.

…

I’m gonna move on before Twilight wanders in and has an OCD fit.

*laughs*

Okay, gambling for toilet paper and hand-sanitizer. That’s pretty good.

You know, looking at this, I’m not sure if it’s staged or not.

Like, it’s probably staged, but I could honestly see it going either way.

Ah, well, it’s funny regardless.

Couple more and we’ll call it a day.

*chuckles*

Okay, so the hyperlink to this one looks like it's gonna give me problems, so I'll just read the text to be safe. It's a picture of a roll of toilet paper and it says, "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19."

Yeah, one my history profs has Crohn’s, so he actually needs toilet paper in bulk, and in one of his emails he said, “If any o’ ya’ll are the sons o’ guns buying up all the toilet paper every time I hit the stores, and I catch you doing it, I’ll fail you so hard even your science grades will drop.”

I don’t think he was kidding.

Either way folks, please don’t clear out the shelves. Other people need stuff too.

The country doesn’t have food shortages, or toilet paper shortages, or shortages of most basic household items. We just have people creating artificial scarcity by panicking.

Soap-box moment over. Last meme!

Okay, that’s pretty funny. I can’t say I’ve experienced this very often, primarily because Twilight is an awesome chef who finds cooking relaxing.

That and I’m the sort of person who feels zero shame about her best friend cooking most nights.

Maybe that makes me a bad person but, hey, I help with the groceries and it beats ramen cups.

However, there was one night where Twilight was too dog-tired to cook and she reeeeeaally wanted lasagna. And the last time I tried to make pasta I almost burnt the kitchen down. So we ordered out.

When the guy got here it turned into this weird prisoner-exchange-simulator. Twilight yelled “That’s far enough!” when he got within ten feet of the door, ordered him to open the box and “show her the goods,” then to “leave the box on the ground and back away slowly.” At which point she paid him on Paypal and sent him on his way.

I’ll be honest, I’m kinda disappointed she didn’t just yeet a roll of $5s at his head, but that probably wouldn’t have been very sanitary.

Anyway, friends, that’s it for today. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. Slap that notification bell so you never miss an upload and let me know what else you’d like to see.

Stay sane and stay healthy! We meme again soon!

Author's Note

I don't know why I named the chapter what I named the chapter.

Thus far, I've got plans for some more comedy bits with Sunset (other memes and jokes, and maybe a movie review or two), some more practical stuff with Twilight (light on the comedy, but hopefully heavy on the wisdom), some comedy with Rarity, some comedy/practical with AJ... and I'm not sure what to do with the others yet. I've got some ideas, but I need to play around with the text first.

Let me know if there are any problems with the pictures.

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The Attack of the Memes

What…

Is…

Up, Internet!?

It is Sunset Shimmer coming to you live with…

No more Coronavirus memes!

That’s right, I’m frigging SICK of them! I want my entertainment to distract me from the virus, not remind me of it!

Plus, the memes are getting kind of stale.

So, until some new life is breathed into the virus I… uh…

*concerned question*

Yeah, Twilight, I realized how it sounded after I said it.

Let’s try this again: until some fresh jokes come to the topic, we’re going to take a break and look at some other kinds of memes.

Next week, or, realistically, whenever I get around to making it, we’re gonna have some history memes, so that I can pretend I’ve contributed to the edification of my audience by “teaching them something.”

This week, we are gonna look at some tasty, tasty nerd memes! So grab your pocket protectors, sharpen your No. 2 pencils, and polish your Spock ears, because it’s time to get Nerdy!

Does that stereotype even fit anymore?

Probably not, but all the other stereotypes I could think of were a little too harsh.

First up, some Marvel memes.

And, uh, beware of spoilers ahead… I guess… for those of you who successfully managed to live under a rock for the last—

Twilight, do I have to give a spoiler alert when all these movies are at least a year old and the main jokes are all over the web?

How should I know?

I dunno, I just figured you’d know more about the ins and outs of Nerd Law than me.

… why?

Because… uh… you have glasses?

…

…

…

Just for that, I’m going to eat the last of the pikliz.

What?! Wait, no, Twilight, come on!

Too late! Eating it!

But…! But…! Sigh. Okay, I probably deserved that.

For context, Twilight is half Haitian on her father’s side, and he taught her how to make pikliz using his old family recipe.

“What’s pikliz?” I hear you asking. Well, pikliz is like coleslaw if coleslaw was a metric crap ton of spicy goodness throat punching your taste buds into submission.

It is SO. GOOD.

And now Twilight’s gonna eat the last of it, all because I made a joke to entertain you.

Don’t say I never did nothing for you.

That was a double negative!

I’m in mourning for my taste buds! Sue me!

*Ahem*

First meme.

Ah, starting off strong with a Lord of the Rings/MCU crossover. Always a fan favorite.

It is pretty funny how many people who played elves went on to play villains in the MCU. And not like minor villains either; we’re talking big bads.

Though, ironically, none of them played the actual dark elves. Kind of a missed opportunity there, Marvel.

Still, lot of bad elves. Maybe Gimli was on to something.

Next meme!

Oooh… this, uh, this meme didn’t age well.

I think this one came out right after Ragnarok. You know, when playing dead was kinda Loki’s thing.

You know, before Infinity War happened and…

Yeah…

*awkward silence*

Well, to be fair, I guess I should say it probably didn’t age well. I mean, it is Loki we’re talking about here. If anyone could pull off yet another…

But… probably not.

*cough*

So… that got dark. Next meme!

*chuckles*

That is pretty funny, but with Miss Statistics in the room here, I do feel obliged to point out that two data points isn’t really conclusive evidence. Even if we go with the whole, “once is a fact, twice is a coincidence, three times is a conspiracy” thing, you’re still one evil dad short of this being able to hold up in a court of memes.

*slams desk*

I find the meme guilty of exaggerating the data! The sentence is to leave the MCU!

Just like Spiderman?

Aw, too soon, Twi!

Anyway, on to Star Wars.

Aaaand we’re starting off on a bad note with our first link that looks like it won’t upload properly. Well, you folks know the drill; follow the posted link if it doesn’t work here.

For those who don’t want to go to the trouble, it’s Anakin wearing hipster glasses saying, “Destroy the Sith and bring balance to the Force? Nah. Too mainstream. I’ll just join them instead.”

Which is funny by itself, but the caption it even better: “Little did he know, that the Jedi soon become underground after that.”

Boy, how often have I seen that happen? Hipsters be all, “Fight the power! Rebel!” and then the ‘rebellion’ becomes the new power, and the previous establishment becomes the new underground.

There’s actually a strong historical precedent for that. Take a look at different revolutions some time – you’d be surprised how often the former establishment becomes the new radicalism. As Peter Kreeft once said, “In an age that has thrown out all tradition, the only rebellion possible is orthodoxy.”

Wow, way to hijack the meme video with philosophy, Twilight.

It’s a video of nerd memes. Nerds should be educated.

We don’t need none of your fancy edjimication!

You’re just bitter because I’m eating the last of the pikliz.

No, I’m bitter because you came back into the room so you could EAT IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

* contended chewing sounds *

Mmm. I am eating it in front of you, aren’t I.

…

You’re evil, you know that, right?

*contended chewing sounds*

Yes.

Yeesh, when did you fall to the Dark Side?

I joined for their vast array of stored data.

… huh?

You know: “Come to the Dark Side? We have cookies?”

…

…

…

See, folks, this is why I don’t want to get into a prank war with Twilight. She’s got a twisted mind.

Anyway, the meme’s a solid Star Wars joke with a one-two punch at the hipster crowd. I rate this meme four out of five hands-severed-by-lightsabers.

Now that you mention it, Star Wars does have an alarming number of severed hands.

I dunno. I think it kind of works. Maybe that was the problem with the sequels – not enough severed hands.

That’s… one way of looking at it.

Next meme!

*prolongued laughter*

“I am Star Wars now,” says Baby Yoda. Hah! It’s funny because it’s true.

I’ll tell ya, some fans love the sequels, some fans hate the sequels, but basically everyone agrees The Mandalorian is awesome.

Heck I think it’s awesome, and I’ve only seen the first episode!

*surprised coughing*

Careful, Twilight. Don’t choke on the Dark Side.

YOU’VE ONLY SEEN ONE EPISODE?! HOW?! HOW HAVE YOU ONLY SEEN ONE EPISODE?!

Because I promised Flash we’d watch it together, and we only got through one episode before the quarantine started.

… Wow. I mean, I know love is sacrifice, but… wow. That is some conclusive proof of love right there.

You know what’s even better? When I told him we’d wait to watch it, he said, “I love you,” and you know how I responded?

No. How?

I did my best Han Solo impression and went, “I know.”

Hah! Classy!

I know.

Next meme!

Roses are red, violets are blue, people with small screens will go blind, there’s nothing I can do.

*prolonged hysterical laughter*

Why is this so funny?!

*yet more hysterical laughter*

It’s really not that funny!

*some time later*

Heh heh heh heh ahem! Okay. I’m good. Next meme.

Oooh! Isabella’s gonna be steamed when she sees that!

Nah, she’ll be cool with it.

Er, for context, Isabella’s a friend of ours who’s from Italy.

Anyway, Twi, most of the Italian jokes I hear are from my Italian friends! Like this one: why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?

*muttering about consequences* I don’t know, why?

Well, actually, Italians don’t like any witnesses.

*guilty snort of laughter* Who told you that?!

Isabella.

Heh. Figures.

Yeah, when I asked her what the protocol on telling Italian jokes was, she told me pretty much anything goes… as long as I don’t mix up Italians and Sicilians. So far I haven’t, so I think I’m safe.

To all my Italian friends: I love you guys, don’t have me whacked.

Next meme!

Holy horse hockey, that is dark!

Man, nothing like some good old family-friendly Star Wars to get you laughing at child murder.

To be fair, Star Wars is actually pretty dark if you look close enough.

Mm. True. Like, Padme shouldn’t have been surprised by the whole “Anakin killed the younglings” thing, because he LITERALLY CONFESSED TO SLAUGHTERING A VILLAGE OF SAND PEOPLE.

“And not just the men, but the women, and the children too.” She shoulda been out the door the second he dropped that.

Exactly. Like, girl, I get that Hayden Christensen is cute, but the dude is throwing up so many red flags that Josef Stalin follows him on Facebuck.

*snerk* Accurate.

But that’s not even the sketchiest thing. No, what I think is the sketchiest thing in the movies is that the Jedi Order and the Republic sanction the use of a slave army… and no one talks about it.

Yeah. Stop and think about this for a second: the Jedi and the Republic find out they’ve got an army of human beings who were BOUGHT and PAID FOR… and no one’s like, “Hmmm, that seems like it’s a huge sapient rights violation.”

Like, really people? How are you the good guys again?

Now, soapbox moment here, I actually think this is a stellar plot point that sets up exceptionally well for the rise of the Empire. It reveals the moral bankruptcy of the Old Republic and the Jedi, to the point that the former would sanction a totalitarian regime and the latter would be blind to a Sith Lord in their midst, all because they’ve forgotten what it means to actually be the “good guys.”

Karen Traviss explored this in depth in the Republic Commando books and the couple Clone Wars standalones she did. I think one of the most chilling things that gets said of the Jedi is in her book Order 66. A Jedi leaves the Order in protest of the Clone Army and, when reflecting on how the Jedi got blindsided by Palpatine, he says, “They turned out the light themselves.”

Oof. Harsh, but the evidence supports his thesis.

In the words of Big MacIntosh, “Eeyup.” IMO, The Clone Army is actually the smoking blaster of the franchise, revealing how evil was allowed to rise.

Or it would have been, if the movies hadn’t glossed over it and the new canon hadn’t retconned a bunch of that stuff out.

What are you talking about, Twilight? There is only one canon, and all the Karen Traviss books are in it.

That’s technically not tru—

NEXT MEME!

Maybe Maul just wanted out of the movies.

Pity. I would have loved to see more of Ray Park’s stunts.

Let’s get a kickstarter going: Ray Park for a standalone Maul movie!

So, we’re gonna pivot away from Star Wars memes now, but can we take a moment to appreciate how the Star Wars memes have stayed fresh and vibrant?

Like, when I was trying to find decent Marvel memes, I had to fight through a million increasingly crappy versions of Thanos being an angry grape. That, or ‘before’ and ‘after’ shots of “me going to see Infinity War,” with the ‘before’ shots being a character smiling and the ‘after’ shots being the same character looking like they’ve just been slapped through a concrete bunker.

It was funny the first time. Unfortunately, the first time was twelve-thousand times ago.

Meanwhile, Star Wars memes continue to be a reliable source of entertainment year after year.

Unlike some of the movies.

Heyo! Shots fired!

Han shot first.

And unfortunately, Ben followed in his father’s footsteps.

Huh?

Well, you know: Star Wars VII. Ben stabbed first.

Aaah! Too soon, Sunset! Too soon!

Revenge is mine! Next fandom!

*chuckles*

Man, Ron Swanson in Lord of the Rings would’ve been a trip. What would you call the crossover, though?

…

“Parks and Rohirrim?”

…

“Parks and Ring Creation?

…

“Orcs and Recreation?”

…

We’ll give it some more thought and get back to you.

...

Well.

That image is going to haunt my dreams.

And now, through the magic of the internet, it can haunt yours too.

You’re welcome.

Next meme.

You know what? I could see it. I could see this being a fun spinoff. Though I do question how many crimes there would be. Except for Saruman’s brief takeover, the Shire is pretty low-key. And I say that as a woman who grew up in a place that waspretty sunshine and rainbows.

Maybe it could be more of a Scooby-Doo kind of thing, where hijinks and thievery replace murder as the central plot.

Hah! Wouldn’t that be a trip!

…

Actually, a Scooby-Doo-style mystery show set in Middle Earth sounds delightful. Someone make that happen.

*laughter*

So, this is kind of a double joke. First joke is the pun on the line itself, but the second joke is that Sir Christopher Lee actually recorded metal albums when he was, like, in his 80s. Just for kicks.

I guess that’s what you do when you used to hunt Nazis during and after World War II.

Ah, rest in peace, Sir Christopher Lee. For your life of actually defending the realm from evil, you earn the distinction of being the only actor I with a knighthood I actually bother to call “Sir.”

Criminy, I thought we were done with Star Wars, but their meme game is so strong they’ve taken over the other fandoms.

Just like Baby Yoda took over the franchise.

Preach, sister.

Alright, what else we got?

Oof, I feel this next one.

Twilight, check it out.

What is— ooh. Yeah.

So, bad link here, but it’s basically Frodo and Sam about to log off while gaming at a reasonable hour, followed by “one more game,” leading to a 4 AM Sam carrying Frodo up Mount Doom.

Worst game for this is Minecraft. Twilight and I fell down that particular time vortex last Saturday.

Aw, but the redstone circuit we built was so cool!

You know what wasn’t cool? Missing two meals because we were placing blocks.

Point.

We’re going to close out with some Star Trek memes, because what kind of nerds would we be if we didn’t, but before we do, some honorable mentions of the franchises we didn’t get to.

First, Halo. I love Halo. I’ve always loved Halo. Unfortunately, most of the truly funny Halo memes I’ve seen require such specific knowledge to get the joke and, unlike Star Wars, it’s not quite ubiquitous enough to get away with. Sorry.

…

Okay, maybe just one:

Second, Stargate. Specifically SG-1. Even more than Halo, I think that Stargate is such a niche show that most of the truly funny jokes don’t translate well to a general audience. Which is a shame, because their meme game is pretty on point.

I actually got introduced to Stargate SG-1 before most other sci-fi franchises, thanks to Rainbow Dash of all people. And, honestly, I think it’s better than just about any other sci-fi show out there. I know a lot of people disagree but, in my experience, most of those who disagree haven’t seen Stargate.

I thought you were trying to avoid fandom wars in your comments’ section.

You should know by now, Twilight. I like to live dangerously.

Like when you downed a bowl of pikliz in five seconds?

That wasn’t dangerous. That was stupid.

Anyhoo, Stargate is awesome. You should watch it. All eight seasons of it.

There were ten seasons Sunset.

ALL EIGHT SEASONS OF IT, TWILIGHT.

*ahem*

Seriously, though it’s great. It’s also got a really low-key fan community that, at least in my experience, doesn’t really get in anybody else’s face, which is nice.

Maybe it’s because we know we’re the best.

You are gonna get such grief for this.

Meh. It will be a change of pace from the isolation.

Another great underrated sci-fi show is Babylon 5. It’s somewhat similar to Star Trek but, at least in my opinion, is a more real-to-life setting.

I love Star Trek, at least back in its heyday, but itcould get on the utopian bandwagon at times and… that… well…

Here’s the thing. Much as I hate going ‘serious’ after giving Twilight grief for doing it all video, real-world “utopias” have a bad track record of genocide and grandiose human rights violations. So, the “utopian” undertones of the Federation always bothered me.

Babylon 5 doesn’t do that. They make their nations and cultures more overtly flawed, though thankfully without swinging too far in the other direction and making everyone jerks. Instead, we see a mix of heroes and villains and everything in between amongst the various factions. It’s deeply complex, with an intelligently evolving status quo. Sure, it can be campy at times, but it also has the depth of a Shakespearian tragedy mixed with classic space opera, blood feuds, multiple well-established wars, espionage, and just a dash of Tom Clancy-style black ops.

I’m getting the vague impression you like this show.

You dad’s the one who got me into it; you should know.

Oh, I do. I’m just enjoying watching you gush over it when you spent most of the episode making fun of Londo’s hair.

Ah, yes, and I look back on that sad and unenlightened period of my life with great regret – those dark days before I saw the poetic symmetry of Londo and G’Kar, who alone make the show worth watching.

Channeling Rarity, are we?

Hey, someone’s gotta do it while she’s stuck up in moose country.

But, now that I’m done listing franchises I enjoy more than Star Trek… we look at Star Trek!

Because I still love it, warts and all!

*riotous guffaws*

Okay, I did not see that punchline coming!

Open with a classic fable, close with a cheeky twist. I love it.

Yeah, this is kind of the problem with having your main cast be the command crew of the starship.

In fairness, most sci-fi shows of this style have the same problem, including B5.

It’s a kinda cringy plot device, but I’m inclined to forgive it as long as the show’s good. Which it is.

Next meme!

…

Sunset? Why are you just staring blankly at the screen? Let me see what made you— Hah! That’s a really clever joke! And a philosophically-minded one at that! You really are a hypocrite for having a second…

Um… Sunset?

…

Sunset? You okay?

Hm? Yeah, I just…

…

Twilight, does Q strike you as being eerily familiar?

No. Why?

Nothing, nothing, I just…

…

I could see John de Lancie playing a really good master of chaos, that’s all.

…

You know what, I’m gonna call it there. I need to go check something with a friend.

*chair moves*

Where are you going?

Twilight, do the outro, would you? Kthanksbye!

Sunset? Wait, Sunset?!

You get back here and finish your video, young lady!

Sunset!

*sigh*

So… um… she’ll be back with some history memes whenever she gets around to it… I guess… and, well, she said she’d post links to some of our friends’ videos as those come out. Starting with mine. Soonish.

And… I guess that’s it?

See you next time? Maybe? If I’m around?

Which, I suppose I will be…

Because, you know, the whole quarantine thing and… um…

*shuffling papers*

Shoot, how does she end these things? She could have at least left me with a script or something…

Er… like and subscribe, be sure to hit the notification bell…

Um… generic well wishing and encouragement to stay healthy!

Yeah!

Author's Note

So, that Sicilian/Italian thing is real. I know because I have a couple friends with both Italian and Sicilian in their fairly immediate ancestry. Which apparently made for some… interesting family gatherings.

For those of you who don’t know, Q from Star Trek is played by the same chap who played Discord. He’s also basically the same character. Fun fact, that tidbit is what my friend used to convince me to watch my first episode of MLP ever.

Also, the meme upload reeeeeeaally fought me on this one, so we’ll be shifting to another format for the next few episodes so that I don’t do something drastic, like breaking my computer screen or acknowledging that Halo 5 exists. (That’s mostly a joke. Yes, I hate that game. No, I don’t want to have a lengthy conversation about it in the comments).

Marvel

Elves https://i.imgur.com/GhghMtZ.jpg

Loki https://i.imgur.com/cfR73ZYh.jpg

Evil Dads https://i.imgur.com/jX4HobG.jpg

Star Wars

Hipster Anakin https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c5/58/c4/c558c469accb93969ed9e5bec5eaa79b.jpg

Baby Yoda https://i.imgur.com/vYPJ8qu.jpg

Roses are Red… https://i.imgur.com/tSvXoN9g.jpg

I don’t like it https://i.imgur.com/zyn2dWN.jpg

Italian Dub https://i.imgur.com/qyvefib.jpg

Younglings https://i.imgur.com/GoqHz3H.jpg

High Ground https://i.imgur.com/U2ozWqa.jpg

LOTR

Ron Swanson https://i.imgur.com/FvYKY5d.png

So armed https://i.imgur.com/hFB6hMgg.jpg

Ye Shire Mystery Inc. https://i.imgur.com/FKivKo1.jpg

Sir Christopher Lee https://i.imgur.com/8lJAqLK.jpg

Star Wars cometh https://i.imgur.com/OghVTwe.png

Gaming blues https://i.pinimg.com/originals/09/e5/20/09e520f27f33d8d272300b6e53d1988d.png

Misc

It was heresy https://i.imgur.com/DtpyUkd.jpg

Well within my rights https://i.imgur.com/Eu8XOesg.jpg

Gaters gonna gate https://i.imgur.com/wYzn24o.jpg

Humans… https://i.imgur.com/8dLa12o.jpg

Star Trek

Two wolves https://i.imgur.com/Ksbh5BAg.jpg

Delegation is for chumps https://i.imgur.com/CjvvX.jpg

DisQord https://i.imgur.com/VrnlXCw.jpg

Raison d'Etre

Author's Note

This chapter, as I've hinted at in past chapters, is going to be Twilight taking a more serious bent and talking about some "finding meaning" kind of stuff. In other words, there's not really any comedy for this one. It's mostly intended to be exactly what the title suggests - an aid for the reader to contemplate meaning in life.

The next chapter is straight comedy and (by fan request) Spike finally making an appearance. Consider it a reward for reading something heavier.

Or, I mean... you could skip straight to the next chapter if you don't want to think about meaning-of-life kind of stuff... I suppose.

But Fluttershy would be sad. :fluttercry:

Raison d'Etre

Hi, friends! Twilight Sparkle here with another episode of “Spark of Insight,” where we explore the complexities of the universe through science!

Today’s going to be a bit of a departure from our normal content. And, to be honest, it’s gonna get kinda heavy at parts.

But I hope you’ll stick with me on this because, if you take what I say to heart, I think you will appreciate our normal content even more, and perhaps appreciate more about life in general.

Science has been a lifelong love of mine. For years it was practically the only thing that mattered to me. My every waking hour was bent to the study, to the advancement of humanity’s understanding of the universe.

Then I met my friends – Sunset and the others – and they helped me to see a… broader view of the universe I was studying.

Ever sense then, I’ve been examining that broader world just as much as I’ve been studying the science I love, and what I’ve found is that insights into the former have enhanced my appreciation of the latter.

So, today, I want to share some of those insights with you.

Today, we are going to talk about work, leisure, and boredom. We are going to learn about how to make your boredom enriching, and about how not doing things can be one of the most important things we ever do, so long as we approach it the right way.

And, since we’re all struggling with boredom one way or another right now, this seems like the appropriate time to talk about it.

Let’s start by pointing out the fact that we, as a society, are facing a deep, profound unhappiness. There are many reasons for this unhappiness, but I think a lot of it has to do with how we approach work and leisure. More specifically, I think it has to do with how many of us, when we drill down to it, are workaholics.

Now, when I say ‘workaholic,’ the image that comes to mind for many of you is probably a 40s something businessman who practically lives at the office, who barely sees his kids, whose friends can’t remember the last time they’ve seen him, and whose wife doesn’t remember the last time she heard him say “I love you.”

It’s a pretty grim caricature, one that I’ve unfortunately seen all too often, but it’s also just that: a caricature.

In actuality, workaholics take many forms, from people who work too many hours, to people who aren’t present to their friends and family on the hours they don’t work, to people who justify getting lost in their work because of the good it does. It can be anywhere from selfish to generous in intent, and can run a much broader gamut of hours than the stereotypical sixty- to eighty- hour weeks of the classic caricature.

No matter the field, whether engineering or writing or interior decorating or charity or anything in between, you will find workaholics.

Now, the reasons this sort of workaholic approach to life is unhealthy should be pretty obvious if we take a step back and look at it from the outside:

What point is there to working so hard to make a good life if you’re never able to actually live that good life?

How can you make a better world if you don’t see enough of the world to understand it?

How can you understand the meaning of a function if all you care about is the function itself?

So… yeah. Being a workaholic is bad. As a recovering workaholic, I can definitely confirm that it’s a great way to destroy your life. And, now that I’ve said that, you’re probably expecting me to say something like, “don’t be a workaholic like me.”

But here’s the thing:

You’re probably already a workaholic.

“Whoa, back up the truck,” you might say. “I’ve got a good work life balance. I don’t work too hard. I go out of my way not to work too hard.”

Heck, some of you might even say, “I don’t work at all! In fact, I’m really lazy! How can you call me a workaholic?”

Easy.

Because being a workaholic isn’t about work itself. It’s about how we think about life.

You see, the real problem with being a workaholic isn’t so much the long hours as what those hours reflect. It has to do with priorities.

Consider two people: the caricaturish workaholic father, and his caricaturish deadbeat adult son who lives in the basement.

Disclaimer, I know there are lots of people who have every good reason to move back in with their parents in this economy and who are not deadbeats. Housing is expensive and lots of things are a mess right now; sometimes moving home for a while is the prudent choice, and I’m not dissing that. I’m definitely not saying this caricature is universal.

That said, I’m going to use it because, though it’s far from universal, it is easily recognizable.

And, let’s be honest, most of us know someone it directly applies to.

Moving on: Caricature Dad grinds and grinds and grinds to make money to make a home for his family and provide for them. However, his obsession with work has led to him valuing the utility of the work over what the work actually accomplishes. He has the concept of a ‘good life for his family’ and works day and night to achieve it, but he’s forgotten what a ‘good life for his family’ actually looks like, if he ever knew to begin with. He spends no time thinking about a healthy family life because he’s too wrapped up in working.

If we give him the benefit of the doubt, we might note that he has the right intent: provide for the family. But he’s shot himself in the foot by neglecting to contemplate at a deeper level why it’s important to provide for his family in the first place.

Meanwhile, Deadbeat Son grinds and grinds and grinds on video games, eats junk food, binges on shows, and does whatever he wants, but he’s generally unhappy in life. He’s not sure why – after all, each of these activities seems to bring him pleasure and some measure of happiness in the moment, but nothing ever seems to last. He’s reaching the point where he’s not sure if happiness is attainable, since all he does is pursue it but he never seems to get any happier.

Again, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt: he wants happiness, which is something all humans are wired to pursue. Pleasure, assuming no immorality, is a legitimate way to pursue happiness, albeit within certain limitations. But, like his father, Deadbeat Son has shot himself in the foot by forgetting to ask himself why pleasure and happiness matter at all.

Now, notice something: both the father and the son are making the same critical mistake. They are seeking fulfilment in the function rather than in what the function achieves. They both compulsively pursue these functions to the exclusion of all else, and in doing so find themselves in compulsive, addictive loops wherein they chase highs with ever-diminishing returns.

In essence, Caricature Dad is a workaholic with his professional career, while Deadbeat Son is a workaholic with his pleasure-seeking lifestyle.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Now, to be clear, work, pleasure, happiness, providing for the family, entertainment – all these things I’ve mentioned have purpose, meaning, and value. I would even go so far to say that we are wired for Ultimate Happiness, and that each of these have a role to play in achieving that.

So, the problem is not that these things don’t have value – the problem is that we cannot fully benefit from their value if we don’t slow down and wonder what their value is in the first place. But we can’t do that if our compulsive all-must-have-an-immediate-utility workaholism gets in the way.

Enter Josef Pieper, a German philosopher of the 20th century who saw this exact problem unfolding in post-war West Germany.

Now, Germany got hammered in World War II. They weren’t as bad off as, say, the absolutely devastated Poland, but they’d still lost horrifying amounts of their industry, economy, agriculture, infrastructure, and the population needed to rebuild it all, not to mention the fact that the Soviets made off with half the country.

Repairing the damage done would be a multi-decade effort requiring intense work from the entire population. So, it’s not that surprising that a workaholic culture took root in West Germany during that time.

Which is exactly what Josef Pieper was worried about.

Now, Pieper understood that Germany would need to pour itself into an all-hands-on-deck effort to rebuild the country. He had no objections to people working hard. What concerned him wasn’t the work. What concerned him was the problem we looked at earlier – the danger of this disconnect between the function and the reason for the function.

You see, work is not what gives meaning or lasting happiness to life. For that matter, neither is pleasure.

No, discovering meaning requires a contemplation of higher things – of friends, of family, of morality, of ethics, of truth, beauty, human dignity, and the transcendental.

After all, what motive is there to run a charity if we can’t say that humans have value? Why care for one’s family if one doesn’t realize one’s obligation to one’s children?

As a personal example, why plumb the depths of scientific advancement if there’s no greater purpose to uncover?

Answering these questions is where we find our raison d'être, our reason for existence. And we have no hope of answering them, Pieper warned, if we don’t have leisure.

Now, it’s important to note that when Pieper talks about ‘leisure,’ he’s not talking about playing video games or binge-watching on Netflix or playing football.

Or, more accurately, he’s not necessarily talking about those things.

Much like how being a workaholic isn’t so much about work as it is about the way we approach life, leisure isn’t so much about the activity as it is about the mindset. As he defines it, “Leisure is the disposition of receptive understanding, of contemplative beholding, and immersion in the real."

To put it another way, leisure is the mindset of being open to receiving wisdom in the ways that life naturally offers it – in beauty, in experience, in quiet contemplation, and so on. It is the recognition of the thing or the person or the idea in itself rather than simply as a means to an end. It is receiving truth, not because we are trying to derive some immediate utility from it, but because truth is valuable in itself.

Pieper called for people to be deliberate in taking the time to appreciate beauty, art, literature, philosophy, nature, exercise, music, and all such things in their own right, rather than compulsively trying to bend them to the purpose we impose. He believed that, in being deliberate about our appreciation, we open ourselves up to consider the true worth of things and the true meaning behind life.

This was the view of many of the Ancient Greek philosophers, whose term for ‘leisure’ would pass through Latin to create the word for ‘school’ – a place where people learned not merely practical things, but, more importantly, why those practical things mattered. This was also the view of the Medieval scholars, which is why, when they created the University system, such contemplation was so central to their methodology.

In all of this, Pieper never condemns hard work or pleasure, but he is insistent that we cannot properly be immersed in either unless we ensure that we have time for true leisure – time to grapple with questions of meaning and purpose, right and wrong.

The reason for his insistence is made grimly obvious by the backdrop of the atrocities of 20th Century. I’m sorry to have to get morbid for a second here but, trust me, it’s important.

Think about the three bloodiest regimes of the 20th Century: Nazi Germany, the Soviet Union, and the Chinese Communist Party. Each of them is different in its particular rhetoric and self-justification, but there are certain key similarities we should all be aware of.

Among them, the death of creativity and free-thinking in favor of monolithic obsession with utility.

Notice how in each regime, art is only tolerated if it serves the State. Science is only sanctioned if it benefits the State. Morality is only given by the State. Philosophy is only what is approved by the State. Family life is only there to provide loyal bodies to the State. God, as far as they are concerned, is the State.

All entertainment becomes manufactured to keep the people happy and docile. Work only serves to benefit the ‘common good,’ which is determined by, you guessed it, the State. Nothing that people do has any higher purpose beyond its utilitarian service of the State’s monolithic intent.

This nightmare is made possible by the lack of contemplation of any sort of beauty, truth, or meaning that might question the State with moral objections or diverging thought.

In other words, without leisure, without the “disposition of receptive understanding, of contemplative beholding, and immersion in the real,” then ‘reality’ is determined by whoever is in power, while the citizenry lacks the understanding to object. Revolution is impossible because people don’t know what it is to live outside what has been prescribed for them by people in power. Without leisure, freedom dies.

Now… is this an extreme example?

Yes.

But, the world can be an extreme place. If we want to avoid personally experiencing that extremity, it’s worth our while to spend some time thinking, really thinking about just how receptive we are to the world around us.

Are we making use of our ability to think rationally, or are we just filling our days with work and pleasure that we can’t even define the greater purpose of?

Right now, we’re all bored. In that state, my fellow workaholics, our urge is to fill that boredom with work or pleasure so that we can feel productive.

And, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, within limits.

My challenge to you is to spend at least a part of that boredom in true, authentic leisure. Listening to the birds sing, immersing yourself in good music, reading an edifying book, even just taking some time each day to simply think.

I’m not saying you need to throw out the Xbox or swear off Youtube or cancel Amazon Prime Video. I am saying you’ll get more out of all those things if you spend a little more time thinking about the things that matter in life.

Start small. Just a few little things you do to remind you to think differently. Embrace low-key activities and be present in the moment. Put down the phones and iPads and dare to wonder about the real, the true, and the beautiful.

And, if nothing comes to you, don’t sweat it. That’s part of the beauty of this kind of leisure – it doesn’t have to achieve some objective right then and there. It’s about the journey as much as anything. It’s about taking a step back, asking questions, and being okay with not getting all the answers. It’s about learning what questions to ask, and how to enjoy the asking.

I think you’ll be surprised just how much brighter the world looks when you take off the workaholic filter and see the colors for what they really are.

As for me… I’m going to go read a good book. Not because I’m trying to accomplish something, but because good books deserve to be read.

See you next time.

Theory of a Dogman

What’s up, internet?! It is Sunset Shimmer coming to you live on—

Sunset, we’re not live. We’re recording this to post later.

—don’t be a killjoy, Twilight, ’cause we’re live on—

This also isn’t your channel, so I don’t understand why we’re going with your style of opening.

—’cause we are LIVE on SPIKE’S DOGHOUSE—

Again, we’re not live.

Why can’t you let me have this, Sparkle?

I don’t know, why are you doing an over-the-top intro for a behind-the-scenes video on Spike’s channel?

Because it’s a behind-the-scenes video on Spike the Talking Dog’s channel and we need something to keep the casuals interested, especially since Spike the Talking Dog’s not actually going to be talking in this one because we don’t want to do the editing for his voiceover.

Isn’t that right, Spike?

Huh? What was that, Sunset?

Spike! We talked about this!

Oh, right. Uh… bark, bark.

There. That better?

Much. Thank you. Back to you, Twilight.

Spike hit a new subscriber threshold on his channel and a donation mark for the local pet shelter. So, to celebrate his victory, we’re doing another behind-the-scenes video on the “magic” of Spike the Talking Dog.

A little background for those of you who may be tuning in fresh to this channel:

Spike the Talking Dog, which later grew to include the channel ‘Spike’s Doghouse,’ was a project of mine I started up back in high school with the help of my friends. A first it was sort of a research project, experimenting with digital effects and voice acting to make it look like he was really talking. I didn’t expect it to get many views.

Aaaaaand, it went viral.

Yes, yes it did. Which meant that I got bombarded with questions about how I got Spike to look like he was really talking. Most people assumed advanced CGI, but some of the theories got… a little out there.

“A little out there” is an understatement, but we’ll get to that later.

I wanted to just tell people about the special effects right out of the gate, but the other girls…

We had a much better idea.

“Better” might be an overstatement.

I stand by it.

Basically, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie thought it might be funny to let people speculate, Rarity thought it improved the channel’s “mystique,” Sunset thought it would be fun to fabricate some wild theories of her own under false names—

Allegedly.

—fine, Sunset allegedly thought it would be funny to fabricate wild theories under false names, Applejack didn’t care one way or another but thought it would be a good way for me to loosen up, and Fluttershy was supportive of everyone’s ideas.

Except, you know, mine.

I’d say it turned out all right. I’m kind of a celebrity now.

Spike? What did we say about you talking in the behind-the-scenes videos?

*Sigh* That you don’t want to do the editing.

Meaning?

…

Bark, bark, Sunset Shimmer.

Good boy. Have a biscuit.

Don’t patronize me, lady. I know how to open the fridge.

*Ahem* If we could get back on topic please?

Sorry.

Sorry, Twilight.

Thank you.

In any case, the bizarre sub-community of Spike Speculators eventually hit its stride and, as a subscriber goal and charity fundraiser, we decided to do a behind-the-scenes video about the real “magic” behind Spike.

On the condition that we got enough subscribers and donations to the local shelter.

Fast forward a sufficient amount of both and we had our last behind-the-scenes, which revealed the truth: that I wrote an excellent CGI program and we got our friend Cathy to do the voice of Spike.

And, boy, were people surprised to learn you’re voiced by a woman, Spike.

Was. I was voiced by a woman while I was still a puppy.

And for a few years after.

*Sigh* Yes, and for a few years after, until I got old enough to be voiced by our friend Pete.

Also, obligatory barking.

Good boy, Spike.

Just keep up the ear scritches, Sunny.

The video was a big hit, and a lot of people reacted very positively to finally learning the truth about Spike.

Buuuuuuuut…

But, the video also made the truly crazy theories about Spike get even crazier, to the point that the Spike Speculators now have their own fan wiki, subreddit, Facebuck page, website…

It got kinda out of hand.

But the attention is nice. Bark.

So, to celebrate another marker on the journey to truly ludicrous numbers of subscribers, and to celebrate another charity win, we’re going to be reading some of our favorites theories.

Theory one: Spike is a sophisticated artificial intelligence in a synthetic body created by… yours truly.

I appreciate the vote of confidence but, sorry, that’s a little beyond my current computer expertise.

Give it a few months. I’m sure you’ll be starting the robot apocalypse in no time.

Bark yeah, she will! That redstone circuit she made in Minecraft practically achieved sentience!

Theory two: Spike is a trans-dimensional life form who has crossed over into our reality as the first of many invading shapeshifters come to steal our kidneys to fuel their soft ice cream machines.

That is… an oddly specific reason to need our kidneys.

Hey, it’s green energy, am I right? Tree Hugger would be all about it.

Theory three: Spike is the mind of a man whose organic body died and who was preserved in an act of desperate mad science by, again, yours truly.

I resent the barking implication that I am born of desperate mad science.

What if it was regular mad science, not desperate?

Eh. That’s fine.

Out of curiosity, Twilight, who do they think you stuck inside the robo-dog?

Actually, there are several versions of this. One is that I was trying to invent a form of immortality, so I found a convict on death row who was willing to be my test subject in exchange for, you know, not dying.

Aaaaand, I’m barking offended again.

Holy hayfries, Batman, that’s frigging dark! What, they think you just put some murderer out on the streets again?

Uh, not exactly. That particular theory also surmises that, when I was negotiating with the guy, I sorta… left out a few details of the deal. Like, you know, a total a memory wipe so that I could, uh, create an artificial personality to serve as my unflinchingly loyal lackey.

…

Yeah, I’m still offended.

…

Sheesh, Twi. I didn’t realize you’re a gosh darn supervillain.

Apparently.

Have you got a villain name?

I’ve been thinking about it, actually. How do you feel about “Midnight Sparkle?”

Mmm, I dunno. Kinda sounds like you graduated past the level of villainy that would be appropriate for.

Graduated? What, you think “Midnight Sparkle” is more of a high school thing?

Something like that, yeah.

Hey, bark bark, are there any versions of that theory that are less creepy than “former death row inmate?”

Well… there is this one that the brain I stuck inside you is actually the… mind of a… former… boyfriend who was dying…

…

You know what, I’m barking sorry I asked.

A former boyfriend, eh? Do I need to give Timber a call and tell him the bad news?

SUNSET!

Kidding, kidding!

All right, ladies. Mine next.

Theory three: Spike is an ancient beast of untold power, defeated by a band of erstwhile heroes consisting of a warrior, a prophet, and a travelling carpet salesman. Spike’s true form is imprisoned deep beneath the earth with his powers stripped away until such time as he can rise again and wreak havoc upon the surface world.

His current dog-like form is but a portion of his power given flesh so as to scout the planet for a suitable place from whence to begin his reign of annihilation.

Also, bark.

Hot dang, Spike! Isn’t that kinda… intense?

Why do you think I picked it? That sounds awesome!

I’m more curious why a travelling carpet salesman was apparently part of the band that took down the ancient beast of untold power.

Haven’t you heard? Carpet salesmen are a wise and dread people, the heirs of ancient lore and majesty, great in counsel and swift in wrath when roused.

Remind me again why you thought the opening needed to be over-the-top when this is what we were building to?

Ambiance.

Theory four is a little involved: Spike was once a normal dog who, through a series of magical shenanigans involving a parallel world of remarkable power, became a sapient being capable of speech.

These videos of his, like many others surrounding Canterlot High, are part of an elaborate cover-up orchestrated by the people involved in the incident and a cabal of shadowy agents who preserve the world from the threats the common people don’t know exist.

It’s part of an ingenious plan to hide in plain sight, all the while making specific references to actual events with the express purpose of simultaneously maintaining the cover and tweaking their handlers just for kicks and giggles.

…

…

…

*Collective Riotous Guffaws*

HAHAHA! Oh, man, that is barking rich!

Right? Parallel worlds! HAH! As if we could keep that secret!

Next they’ll be saying we *spurt of laughter* we all have magical powers!

HEHEHEHE! Can you imagine how hard that would be to cover up?! Oh, man, whatever poor saps had that duty would be working overtime!

Hah hah— hey! I just thought of something! Parallel worlds, right? What if there were, like, doppelgangers over there?

I bet mine would be a dragon!

Now why the heck would a dog be the doppelganger of a dragon?

Maybe the dragon’s the doppelganger of the dog.

Touché.

That’s an interesting theory, Spike. Maybe I should use my magic powers to rip a whole in reality and take a look to find out.

Only if you want me to use my magical powers to talk you down.

Oh, please, you’d need, like, the collective magic of all five of the other girls on top of your own to do that, and even then Spike would have to distract me by looking distraught and adorable.

Heck, that’s no problem. You know how these things end: friendship always trumps villainy, Miss Midnight Sparkle.

Pfft! Campy.

Nah, I think it’d be barking charming.

One thing I’ll say for sure, thought.

What’s that?

If we did have shadowy handlers, I bet they’d be pretty peeved with us right now.

*Collective laughter*

Well, folks, that’s all for today. This has been Spike’s Doghouse. Thanks for supporting my channel, and we’ll see you next time.

Bark.

Meanwhile, at a secure, shadowy facility known only to a select few…

Agent Lys?

You know, Cherry, whenever you call me “Agent Lys” and not my first name, I know you’re about to say something I don’t want to hear.

Would you like me to say it anyway?

No, I wouldn’t like it, but that shouldn’t stop you.

The Skylight Lightverbs put out a video with Spike.

I wondered where this headache came from. Let me guess. They’re taking the “hide in plain sight” with their customary literal-mindedness.

In fairness, it actually seems to be working. No one takes it seriously.

That’s because it sounds like a sugar-coated kid’s show. I don’t believe it some days. Anything else?

Reports of a goat-sucking monster.

Ooh, a Chupacabra. Where? Chile? Puerto Rico?

Turkey, actually.

Turkey? Hmm. Sounds like the Magical Mishap Generator’s aim is off by a continent or two. Very well, warm up the plane. I have to make a call.

To the team?

To the Lightverbs. If they have time to give me a headache, they have time for a field trip.

Author's Note

Sound off in the comments if you get the full joke about Spike's voice actors; Cathy's a little more obvious than Pete. And, in case there's any confusion, that second scene is not part of Spike and the girls' "video" that fills the majority of the chapter.

Obviously, this is a departure from the standard meme format (which I mentioned would happen at the end of the last meme chapter). Let me know how it turned out.

Also, I don't listen to Theory of a Deadman. I know nothing about the band, good or bad. I just couldn't think of a better chapter title. :facehoof:

Shoutout to FoME for the Lightverb joke and the Minecraft sentience joke.

Edit: Story is marked as complete, even though I left some threads hanging. See this blog. Leave the notifications on if you wish, as I may make a final/closing chapter or some such, but I haven't had inspiration for it in a long time, so I didn't want people to sit around wondering.

I am sorry if this is a letdown for anyone, but this story was never going to have a definitive arc. It was either going to be eternally 'incomplete' or awkwardly be 'complete.'

I am glad it has been able to help you in some dark times. Feel free to let me know if certain aspects of it were particularly helpful to you. If possible, I may try to weave those elements into other stories or provide links to other people's stories/channels which do something similar.