Stallion Comics: Spike and the Power of Awesome Manliness

by Simon_oSullivan

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Spike, Comedy, Gilda, Random, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 4240

Explosions! Fire! Violence! Stallion Comics! The comics that only real Stallions dare to read!

Spike finds a comic in a donation box, which happens to contain the Spirit of Awesomeness. In its eternal wisdom, it bestows Spike with the unlimited power of Awesome Manliness.

This is a story of explosions, mindless violence, fire and awesomeness. It's so manly that you'll grow beard and chest hair after reading it! Even if you're a mare! (The author is not responsible for mares becoming unattractively hairy after reading this comic)

Published 2012-08-23 02:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-23 02:34:01 UTC

Stallion Comics: Spike and the Power of Awesome Manliness

Stallion Comics: Spike and the Power of Awesome Manliness

Twilight checked her library with a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment. She worked really hard to make sure that every book was on its place for everypony to find them as fast as possible. However, ponies seldom went there to borrow books. To make matters worse, when any of her friends came to visit, she was sure that it was because something terrible had happened or was about to. Not even Spike read that much except for those comic books that somepony had stuffed into a large donation box and sent to the library. Most of them were already unpacked and lay empty on the floor, but one of them was still unopened. Spike was nowhere to be found.

Twilight huffed. “Spike, where are you?”

Her ears perked up as she heard Spike’s loud snoring on the upper floor. She trotted upside to see Spike yawning as he stretched. After getting up from his basket, he walked forward with his eyes still half closed until he got down the stairs.

“Spike, I thought I told you to unpack all the boxes and organize the books!”

“But, Twilight,” complained Spike, holding another yawn. “I did everything I could. There were like a dozen of them. There’s only one left. Let me grab a cup of hot cocoa and I’ll get to it.“

Twilight looked at the clock and nodded. It was still quite early, barely past ten in the morning.

“I have to go to see the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They asked for help with their homework today.”

“Don’t Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom have sisters to ask for help?”

“Yes, but Applejack’s busy with the harvest and Rarity has to finish some designs, so I offered to help out.” Twilight smiled as she trotted towards the shelves, looking for a few books she’ll need. “Don’t worry, Spike. I’m sure I’ll be back in no time. If you finish unpacking the box by the time I get back, I’ll buy you some pastries. Deal?”

“Right away, Twilight!” said Spike as he saluted with a broad smile, almost spilling the hot chocolate.

-o-

When Twilight left, Spike drank the content of the cup in one gulp and let it gently on the table. With one of his claws, he cut through the packing tape and opened the box. Inside, there were a few history and economics books. However, what drew his attention were the comic books. They looked different from the ones he had unpacked before. The other ones were about cute characters living cute lives, but these new ones weren’t like that at all. The first one had a large stallion wielding a large chainsaw with his mouth. He was fighting against an army of zombie buffaloes while beautiful mares cried in terror trying to get to safety.

“Wow!” Spike glanced quickly before opening the book and reading the first vignettes.

Everything in it was awesome. The main character didn’t give a shoot about anything. He bucked everypony who denied anything to him. Mares drooled with desire whenever they saw him. No matter how dangerous the situation was, something happened out of nowhere that caused stuff to explode. There were actions scenes, with the hero punching thugs and other bad guys without his hat flying away, even if he was fighting on a racing chariot. Sometimes odd things happened, like when, halfway through the comic, there was a chase scene that involved riding sharks. It came to a moment when Spike simply stopped caring about the crazy stuff and enjoyed it for what it was: amazing, crazy action.

“This must be the most awesome story ever! I wish I could be like the main character of one of these stories!”

“So be it!”

A howl came from inside the comic, throwing Spike against a wall. Slightly dazed, he got up and walked towards the comic as a smoke cloud emerged from it.

“You want to be like Muzzlepuncher, the comic book hero?” the cloud asked.

“Wh-who… no, what are you?”

“I am the spirit of awesomeness. I can grant you my power, if that is your wish.”

“And I’ll be as cool as the stallion in the comics?”

“The power of awesome manliness is infinite. You will be able to do whatever you want, as long as it’s awesome and manly.”

“Oh, yes! Let’s do it!”

The cloud flew in circles around Spike at great speed. With a wide smile, Spike got quickly surrounded by the spirit as his body levitated slowly in the middle of the library. The building trembled violently as Spike began to shine with golden light, before exploding in a blinding blast that destroyed it. When the smoke dissipated after a few moments, those ponies who rushed to see what had happened saw Spike getting up. He had a five o’clock shadow and was dressed in a leather jacket with sunglasses in the right pocket. He held a cigar in one claw and a bottle of Applejack Daniels in the other.

“Groovy,” Spike said with a deep, manly voice as he stared at his own reflection in the broken mirror shards across the floor.

“What happened here?” demanded one of the stallions that had come to see the explosions.

“Everything is okay, ponies, nothing to see here.” Spike made signs with his claws for everypony to calm down. “You may go to do whatever you were doing.”

“Are you okay?” one of the mares asked.

“Sure, sure, I’m alive and kicking. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going for a walk.”

“You have to take you to the hospital!” the stallion insisted.

“Oh, come on. I’m walking, I’m fine. Now leave me alone.”

“Nonsense, you’ll come with me!”

“I said no!”

With a bellowing roar, the land opened below the stallion’s hooves, making him fall into the depths of Equestria with a hardcore guitar riff. As the rest of the ponies galloped out of there crying in horror, Spike looked at his claws, unable to believe what had happened.

“It’s true. I have the power of awesomeness! I can do whatever I want!” Tapping his chin with one of his claws, he turned around to see the smoking hole that used to be the library. “I guess I’ll start by getting some pastries. Twilight isn’t gonna buy them when she sees the library... or what remains of it.”

With his new powers at hand, Spike raised both claws, making a racing car surge out of the ground. After jumping inside, he stepped on the pedal, rushing at a tremendous speed across Ponyville. Ponies jumped and galloped out of the way. Spike howled with satisfaction at the sensation of power and freedom. When he got close to Sugarcube Corner, he jumped out of the car, performing a back flip before it crashed into a liquor store, exploding with a mighty blast that was heard across the whole town.

“There goes my first car,” said Spike with a sigh. He shrugged it in the blink of an eye, lighting a cigar and taking a drink from the bottle of Applejack Daniels. “Well, I can make another one anyway.”

Spike walked inside the store, waving at Mrs. Cake, who was rushing out to see what had happened.

“When you’re done with the gossiping, lady, I’d like half a dozen of cupcakes with chocolate and mint sprinkles, please.”

Mrs. Cake turned around with her face distorted with panic. “D-didn’t you just see what happened!? The liquor store exploded!”

“Yeah, yeah, we all have problems.”

”Hey there, Spike. I like that new look of yours.” Mr. Cake stepped behind the counter, staring at his wife with concern.

“Like it?” Spike put his sunglasses on before smirking and snapping his fingers. In an instant, Mr. Cake was dressed in the same jacket and eyewear as the dragon.

“Wow, that’s incredible! I didn’t know you could use magic! Thanks a lot! Here, these ones are on the house.”

“Thanks, Carrot, buddy! Keep up the good work. Say hello to Pumpkin and Pound for me, will ya?”

“Sure! Have a good day!”

“Bye, Mrs. Cake!”

She didn’t reply, keeping an eye on the burning building as the fireponies tried their hardest to extinguish it. Spike let out a loud whistle that caught her attention. Mrs. Cake froze in fear as a pterodactyl dove from the skies and grabbed Spike before taking off again.

“To Rarity’s house! The power of awesome will make her love me at last!”

Mrs. Cake stared as the dinosaur and Spike flew out of the scene. “Honey, I’m taking the rest of the day off.”

-o-

“Oh, this is just marvelous!” cried Rarity as she gave the final touches to a overly ornate gala dress. “It took me almost two whole days without sleep, but it’s finally ready!” She sighed and let herself fall on her couch. “Peace and relaxation at last!”

As soon as she pronounced the last word, a roar sounded outside. Spike flew through one of the windows, shattering the glass in pieces that scattered all around the room. Whatever had made the first sound did it again, followed by the sound of an explosion over Carousel Boutique.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Spike said to himself as he cleared the pieces of glass from his jacket. With a wide smile and a wink, she pointed at Rarity with both hands, speaking in a seducing voice. “Rarity, sweetie, I’ve come to see you!”

Her eye twitched as she pointed at the front door. “Was it so difficult to open that?”

“My sweet designer, when you’re this awesome, you don’t need doors. You take the most unexpected and impressive route!”

“Spikey-Wikey, you shouldn’t hang around with Rainbow Dash so often, you’re starting to sound like her! And that jacket just doesn’t go with your eyes.”

“Well, I think it suits me. Besides, now I can do magic. Behold!”

With those words, Spike clenched his claws, creating a gust around him that lifted the pieces of glass, putting them together. In a moment, a pyramid was made of the broken window, and he handed it to Rarity.

“Oh, Spikey-Wikey, that’s beautiful! How did you learn to do that?”

“With the power of awesome!” The last word boomed across the room, throwing everything against the walls and shattering the remaining windows.

Rarity covered her head with her hooves, shaking in fear. When Spike tried to get close to her, she jumped behind the couch. “No! Get away from me! Don’t you dare to come closer until you get that horrible power out of you!”

Spike stood motionless for a few seconds, pressing one finger against his chest and gritting his teeth. Taking off his glasses, he turned around and walked towards the door.

“You can keep the pyramid.”

He opened the lower part of the door and walked outside without saying anything else. Once outside, Spike wasn’t able to contain his anger, roaring like a full-grown dragon.

“Stop right there!”

A group of Royal Guards rushed towards him and surrounded him.

“You’re coming with us, Spike. You’ve caused too much trouble. You’re under arrest.”

Spike looked up to see that there were half a dozen stallions around him. He smirked as he cracked his knuckles and showed them his fangs. “I don’t think so. Hand cannon!” He stretched one of his arms, which transformed into a miniature cannon. Aiming to the ground, he fired, the recoil catapulting him to the air.

“What the hay? Guards, get ready!”

“Now, shark-toothed blade and shark mount!”

With those commands, a sword made of shark teeth appeared on his free hand, and landed on a great white shark, floating in mid-air. The beast raised its head and breathed a cone of fire to the sky, followed by a rad drum solo.

“For Muzzlepuncher!” Spike screamed before charging towards the astonished Royal Guards.

“To hay with his, I’m outta here!” cried one of the guards as he flew away as fast as he could, his mates following suit.

“Nopony can escape the power of awesome manliness!” Spike yelled as he shot bladed cannonballs at the fleeing pegasi.

The fire-breathing shark was getting closer to them, and was about to chomp on one of them before a force shock pushed the beast back and made Spike fall off. He was able to shoot at the ground to stop the fall from being lethal to just feel like a gentle hop.

“Who dares to challenge the manly and awesome Spike?!” he challenged, raising his sword.

“What in the name of Celestia do you think you’re doing?” Twilight stepped forward with a furious stare.

“Twilight?” Spike said, suddenly losing her deep voice for an instant. “H-how did you know where I was?”

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Seriously? A pterodactyl exploded over the same store you just came out of and you’re asking how I knew where you were?”

“I’m getting used to these new powers of mine. Now I am the Element of Awesome Manliness!”

“You’re the Element of Destruction, Spike! Stop everything now!”

“No! I’m awesome, and nopony can stop me! Get her!”

The shark breathed fire at Twilight, which she avoided by summoning a barrier. The beast charged towards her with its jaw wide open, but she levitated fast enough to avoid being devoured. However, as it collided against the ground, the creature exploded violently, throwing Twilight across the air. She fell into the fountain with a loud splash.

“I’m getting used to the ‘everything explodes’ thing.”

“Hold it right there!” Rainbow Dash cried from far away as she flew at top speed with somepony behind her.

“You too, Dash?”

“Not me. Her.” She pointed behind her where Gilda was, cracking her claws and neck.

“You think you’re awesome and cool, little guy? That’s cute and all, but only I know what true awesomeness is.”

“Okay, then, we’ll duel to see who the most awesome creature in Equestria is!”

“Let’s get it on!”

“A duel…with chainsaws!” With that, a chainsaw landed in front of Spike and another one next to Gilda. As soon as each contestant grabbed their weapons, Spike continued. “On fire!” He started his own chainsaw and, as soon as it started working the blade burst into flames, and so did Gilda’s, who started to show that she didn’t want to be the most awesome creature that badly. “Inside an active volcano!”

A tremendous explosion under their feet lifted the ground several hundreds of feet. Dash, Gilda and Twilight looked down to to see that Ponyville was now a huge volcano. They were all in the chunk of ground they were standing on, flotaing in the middle of the lava pool. Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight and flew to safety, while Gilda looked around her with widened eyes, still wielding the flaming chainsaw. Behind her and Spike, columns of boiling lava raised vigorously, heating up the already scalding battlefield.

“The winner gets everything: the bragging rights, the lady, everything!”

“Wait, what lady? What are you talking about!?”

“You’ll know if you win! Charge!”

Spike jumped with the chainsaw other his head, throwing a mighty blow that Gilda was able to parry by an inch. Sparks flew all around the battlefield and geysers of lava surged every time the weapons clashed. Rainbow Dash couldn’t contain herself, squealing at the pure awesomeness of the battle that was taking place below them. Twilight was using her magic to levitate herself inside a force field that also protected her from the lava geysers.

“Wait a minute!” Gilda shouted as she parried another swing and kicked Spike in the chest, making him fall on his back. “I can fly! I don’t have to be here! To hay with everything!”

“You’d love to think that, don’t you?” Spike got up and raised his claw, creating a lava tornado that surrounded them, forbidding any escape.

“Okay, tough guy, you leave me no choice!”

She drew a descending arc with her chainsaw, which Spike blocked with a smile. Sparks flooded the volcano as the blades screeched against each other. With a high jump, Gilda took off and flew vertically, then dove at top speed, landing chainsaw-first on Spike. Even though he was able to block it, the rock under his feet shattered into pieces. A small hop was all he needed to get to safety as Gilda stood in the other rock platform.

“The time has come, Gilda!” roared Spike. “I am the Element of Awesome Manliness! Nopony can defeat me! Nopony!”

Both jumped at the same time against each other, swinging their weapons like two samurai in a duel. Thunder followed every clash, and a loud heavy metal soundtrack echoed around the battlefield. The two fighters pushed each other back, landing on their respective platforms.

“I have to admit you have some good taste for the music, little one.”

“Thanks for the compliment, Gilda. We should hang out more often.”

“If you survive this one, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

“We’ll see about that!”

Spike threw his chainsaw up to the air with all his strength and jumped into the lava. Gilda took a defensive stance, looking on every direction and up to check the weapon. Under her feet, the platform started shaking, which made her fly over it. The platform shattered as Spike came out of the lava with his raised fist with a high jump, his body totally covered in lava. With a smirk, he grabbed the chainsaw before landing on one of the small rock fragments. Gilda landed safely on the larger one, trying to stay away from him.

Gilda flapped hastily holding the chainsaw in front of her. Her voice trembled as she spoke. “Okay, kiddo, I quit! You win! I want to leave!”

“There’s no escape, Gilda! The Way of the Awesome isn’t for cowards!”

Over them, Rainbow Dash knocked on Twilight’s force field, trying to call her attention.

“Twilight, we have to save Gilda! She’s going to get herself killed if we don’t do anything!”

“I know, but what should we do? Spike can summon anything from thin air!”

“He’s become too awesome. There must be a way to stop him!”

“And how do you plan on doing it?”

“Awesomeness can only be defeated with awesomeness! Everypony knows that!”

Twilight breathed deeply, massaging her forehead with her hooves. “I just don’t know how you got that foolish idea, but knowing what we’re facing and the fact that I’m out of logical ideas, I guess we can give that a chance.”

“Trust me, Twilight. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense as long as it’s awesome. That’s the first Rule of Awesome.”

“There’s more than one?”

“Now’s not the time! I’m going down to save Gilda!” Rainbow Dash dove at top speed, reaching the battlefield in an instant. “Hey, Spike! How do you like this?”

She landed with all her speed on one of the small rocks, creating a lava wave that covered Spike and melted his chainsaw’s blade and engine. With an angry roar, he threw it at Rainbow Dash and it exploded several feet away from her. The blast made her mane and tail wave in an awesome way.

“I’m far from defeated, girls!” Spike cried as he raised his claws, summoning a rocket launcher and an Strottocaster electric guitar.

“Gilda, distract him! I have an idea!” said Dash before taking off at top speed.

“Dash, don’t leave me here!”

“Fire!”

Spike shot the rocket, but it was slow enough for Gilda to avoid it without too much trouble. However, the projectile hit the lava tornado and exploded, creating a burst of molten rock that she barely dodged. With the same momentum, she rushed towards Spike to slice him with the chainsaw. Spike blocked the attack, sparks flying everywhere. Lava geysers surged around them. He raised his launcher, aiming at her, gut Gilda jumped before he could fire, the projectile missing again and creating a burst of lava as it exploded against the tornado.

“Drat, this guy is too good! Whatever you have in mind, Dash, it better work!” She looked up, but Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen. “Where is she!?”

“Is the power of Awesome too much for you to handle, Gilda? No worries, this will be over soon!”

“Heh, not at all. In fact, I’m getting used to this!”

“Good, because I want show you one more thing!” The lava under their feet bubbled as a large creature emerged from it. “Feel the wrath of the giant fire-breathing kraken!”

“What!? How can anything live down there!”

“Feast on her, my pet! Swallow her whole!”

The kraken roared, breathing fire as its lava-covered tentacles tried to entangle Gilda. She dodged one of them and cut it with her chainsaw. The dismembered tentacles fell into the molten rock and exploded, creating bursts of lava that Gilda barely avoided. The creature regenerated the sliced tentacles, and Spike kept shooting his hand cannon, but he wasn’t able to take Gilda down.

“Kraken, stop!” The beast stood motionless with Spike’s command. Spike lowered his guitar, staring at Gilda. “You’ve proven yourself worthy, griffon! Because of that, I’d make you my wife!”

“You’ve been trying to kill me through this duel and now you want to marry me!? Seriously, make up your mind, will ya?!”

“I’ll grant you the power of Awesome, and together we shall rule Equestria! You’ve been able to fight my power, proving you’re a living avatar of raw awesomeness. Come with me, become my wife, and nopony will stand a chance against us!”

“You’re weird, you knew that?.”

“Behold what I offer you!” Spike pointed at her with the chainsaw, dressing her with metal shoulder pads resembling lion claws, a tattered cloak with grappling hooks and a chest piece made of dragon scales. “Your life will be plentiful of awesomeness!”

She looked at her new clothes, nodding weakly with a smirk. “Okay, little fella, you got my attention.”

“Here I go!” roared Rainbow Dash from a distance.

“What’s that?” Spike looked up to see that Dash was flying towards him at full speed. “Oh, no, you won’t!”

He raised the hand cannon, but wasn’t able to shoot on time as Rainbow Dash performed the Sonic Rainboom just in front of him. Spike yelled in a fit of rage as the blast threw him against the lava tornado. She was able to grab Gilda before she suffered Spike’s fate, and together they flew up and away from the volcano, where Twilight was waiting for them.

“Come on! We’ve got to get away from here!” demanded Dash.

“What? Why?”

“I’m pretty sure this place’s gonna blow or something! I don’t trust anything that came from Spike!” She looked at Gilda’s new attire. “Hey, I like your style!”

“Yeah, it’s cool.”

The three of them watched as the lava tornado dissipated. The molten rock fell inside the volcano again, going back to normal.

“Wait for it,” said Gilda. Spike screamed as the volcano erupted savagely in a blast of wrathful violence. The lava flew hundreds of feet above them. “Yup, now it’s over.”

From the erupting lava a silhouette made of smoke surged slowly, quickly dissipating. Once the volcano stopped vomiting deadly fire, the three girls got close to look for Spike, who lay down in the border of the volcano’s mouth, defeated. Gilda looked at him, noticing that he had no clothes on or weapons, and his five o’clock shadow was gone. The clothes he had made for her dissolved harmlessly.

“I guess he’s gone back to normal. The nightmare’s over.”

“He’s still breathing,” Twilight said in relief. “I’ll get him to the hospital. I’ll find out how this happened as soon as he’s there. By the way, Dash, how did you know that using the Sonic Rainboom could work?”

“Well, awesomeness can only be defeated by awesomeness. The Sonic Rainboom is the most awesome thing I know, so I gave it a try.” Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight with a smile. “Well, what do you plan to tell to Princess Celestia in your friendship report?”

Twilight looked at the ground where the volcano was just a moment ago. “Today I’ve learnt that there’s no place for logic among certain things. Also, awesomeness is a powerful weapon that can destroy everything on its way.”

“And it’s really amazing!” added Rainbow Dash, extending her wings.

“Hey, Twilight,” interrupted Gilda. “Do you mind if I take the little guy to the hospital?”

“Uhm, sure, no problem.”

“Thanks. That way you have more time to find out what happened to him. If we’re lucky, we’ll find a way to fight it.”

With that, Gilda took off towards the hospital, as Dash and Twilight rushed to Canterlot’s library to find out what had happened.

-o-

Along the way, though, Gilda muttered to herself as she hugged Spike. “A griffon and a dragon as rulers of Equestria, you said? I like your style, little guy. We’ll find a way to bring you back the way you were.” Gilda smiled broadly, picturing herself with her new attire and next to Spike as rulers of Equestria. They sat on thrones made of bone and metal, and everypony bowed to them. “And then, we shall rule together!”

With those words, Gilda flew towards the horizon on her quest for the ultimate awesomeness.