The Immaculate Deflection

by Liquid Truth

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 4249

What do you do when you're ridiculously fertile? As in '95% chance of pregnancy for every intercourse, minimum'? For Celestia, she handles it like she does every other problem: make it somepony else's.

Turns out alicorns are ridiculously fertile. As in 'every time an alicorn has sex, there's a 95% chance they're going to wind up carrying a foal. Minimum.' And this is a problem, because everything else is normal: time spent gravid, mood swings, hormone shifts... it's just not a good idea for a Princess to rule a nation from a constant state of Dam Brain. Plus then you get to the fact that given a typical level of sex drive, there would be an endless parade of heirs galloping around the palace. The line of succession would have a six-mile wait and the front never moves. And then there's just raising all those foals...

In terms of rulership, having somepony in charge who has to live with either the stress of constant celibacy or pregnancy just doesn't make sense. And Celestia has a very healthy sex drive. She just doesn't want to destroy a nation through dealing with the consequences.

So she secretly has a little spell going. Constantly. It's been running for centuries with no signs of slowing down. It does only one thing, and it does that perfectly.

Every time Celestia has sex, somepony else gets pregnant.

Premise from Estee's blog post.

Rated C for Crackfic

Published 2020-04-25 10:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-25 10:10:02 UTC

Blueblood the First

It was love at second sight.

The second time Celestia saw the royal cartographer she fell madly in love with him. The first time, though, she just wanted to fuck.

Princess Celestia was in a hospital with two really huge tumors on her back. The doctors were furious at their incapability to diagnose where the tumor came from, why it came to be, and why she has complete control over it and why her body was accepting it as if it was a new limb. Furthermore, the only readily available explanation the doctors had had came from the mad wizard that everypony kept romanticizing to the point he was called a national hero, if not their messiah, and it all came to, “She has rightfully gained those wings.” The doctors hated him so much they called him Starswirl the Bearded, which backfired when he got fond of it and used it as his official title. Nevertheless, her tumors didn’t get easier to diagnose.

It was really hard to diagnose, first, because Celestia kept on slipping out of the hospital to take care of her royal duties, and second, because Celestia herself got the final say on whether or not she needed a medical diagnosis. Thankfully for the doctors, Celestia would at times say the final saying that she needed a medical diagnosis, such as now.

Three ponies came into her ward every morning with seriously crafted robes and seriously deranged minds. They called themselves “Medical Doctors”, even though Medical Doctor had died last year after frustrating himself to death from trying to diagnose Celestia’s tumors. They’d gather around her bed and ask her questions with efficient words and inefficient logic behind those questions in a brisk tone and overly-stretched dialects.

“Who it is?”

“When are you?”

“How have you been eating?”

“Did you drink water today?”

“Are you horny?”

“Does it hurt when I do this?”

“Why aren’t you dead yet?”

And, “Do you need copulation?”

All of these questions came rapidly without any window of opportunity for her to answer, so she simply affirmed them all with the occasional negatory shake of the head when she felt like it. Then the doctors would write things down on a scroll and put it on a table next to her for the other doctors to read and ask the same questions the next morning and Celestia would answer with completely different answers to ensure the doctors couldn’t finish their diagnosis and she wouldn’t need to go back to court. It was insufferable for Celestia.

In the afternoon Celestia would have scrolls delivered to her by some snobbish bastard from the court that she couldn’t remember the name of because most of them have names so complicated it couldn’t fit even if they were written in small letters on their foreheads. Whether it couldn’t fit because their heads were too small or their names were too complicated was up to debate, and it had been debated for too long by Celestia’s front lobe and brainstem that it started to sound like the court itself.

Those scrolls would need to be signed or denied before sundown. On the first day of her stay at the hospital she had enjoyed it immensely. On the second day she loathed it with all her heart. It became monotonous and boring after a while with nothing else to do, so she made a game from it. On the second day she declared war on taxes and declared peace to all monetary requests from her citizens. She got the result on the third day when all the letters were about either asking the crown for money or asking the crown to reduce their taxes by 100%. On the third day also did Celestia denied all monetary requests then fined all those who had asked for money from the crown and raised every existing taxes to 100% of any noun that happened to be their unit of measurement. Ever since then the court banned the use of the imperial system and made the metric system obligatory.

On the fourth day, one of the scrolls talked about Equestria’s borders with the Crystal Empire. Celestia was puzzled when she learned that the Crystal Empress had assumed control over a portion of Equestria’s land that hadn’t been Equestria’s land before the Crystal Empress assumed control over it. It would not be a fun game to play with, she thought, because she liked the Crystal Empress. She was her best friend that doesn’t have any blood relationship with her. She needed calculated revenge.

But Celestia later found that she couldn’t make any calculated revenge because she couldn’t calculate maps. When the court heard about this, they quickly promoted a random adventurer’s guild’s map-maker as the royal cartographer and sent him to her so she could quickly make a decision of whether or not to shift their war effort from taxes to the Crystal Empire.

The cartographer came up to her with an uncut beard and scraggly hair that had been frantically brushed by the royal maids to no avail. They had also bathed him in the cleanest water from the river that hadn’t been used as the city’s poop drain and reserved only for the royalties, and that one worked: he’s now immaculately clean, and his fur shimmered from the sweat that he had immediately collected from walking from the castle to the hospital.

Celestia immediately rose from her bed upon seeing him and wasted no time in smiling at him before he could even bow. “You must be the royal cartographer.”

He bowed. “Yes, Your Highness, I am now your royal cartographer.”

“Good.” Celestia held back her giggle, and instead let it out as a frantic paragraph. “Can you map the entirety of Equestria and the Crystal Empire? I need it. I need it so badly. Can you also do it here in my ward? So I can watch you. Watch you do it, I mean, not watch your perfectly shaped muscles and handsomely uncut beard.”

He smiled nervously. “Yes, I can, Your Highness.”

“Good,” she said before he finished his sentence. “Can you do it now?”

He bowed. “Yes, Your Highness, I can do it now.”

“Good.” She shuffled for a split second before quickly adding, “Can you do it while fornicating?”

“Yes, Your Highness, I think I can.”

“Good. What’s your name, royal cartographer?”

“Rusty Compass.”

“Do you want to make the map while fornicating, Rusty Compass?”

“Yes, Your Highness, I think I want to.”

“Good. You’re now Blueblood the First.”

And it was on that day that history didn’t remember that Celestia lost her virginity. The only thing history remembered was that a new archduke had been introduced into the royal family and his name was Blueblood and he looked suspiciously like the hobo-looking white unicorn that had been the adventurer’s guild’s map-maker that the court promoted because he’s a perfect candidate for a royal duty without risking somepony to outrank the entire court as a new archduke. He did not. He outranked them all as a new prince.

It was also a week after that that the doctors could finally diagnose something out of Celestia’s medical condition.

“I’m what!?”

“You’re pregnant, Your Highness.”

“I can’t be pregnant!”

“You’re a healthy mare, Your Highness, and recent evidence has it that you’re fertile.”

Celestia was about to say something when she instead vomited to the floor next to her bed.

“You’re pregnant, Your Highness.”

“And the symptoms got out just a week later!?”

“How can you know it’s only been a week?”

Sweat ran down Celestia’s back.

“See? You can’t prove it. Trust the doctors, Your Highness, it’s for your own good.”

“So, I’m pregnant? And I’m not vomiting because somepony poisoned my food?”

“That is correct, Your Highness.”

The next morning a pony was caught for poisoning the princess’ food the day before. On the same day in the afternoon, the doctors ran a complete diagnosis on Celestia to ensure that the poison didn’t do anything other than making her vomit a lot. It didn’t, but they did find something that has something to do with her fattening belly.

“You’re what!?”

“I’m pregnant, sister.”

“You’re a virgin!”

“I thought so, too.”

“When did you have sex?”

“With the royal cartographer.”

“I asked you when, not with whom.”

“Last week.”

“With whom?”

“The royal cartographer.”

“You mean Prince Blueblood?”

“No, I meant the royal cartographer.”

“Right. Rusty Compass.”

“Yes, Rusty Compass.”

“And he disappeared.” Luna scoffed. “Such an irresponsible stallion.”

“Don’t worry, Blueblood’s taking responsibility.”

“For a thing he did not do, that is, impregnating you?”

“Yes.”

Luna didn’t believe jack shit about what Celestia said that afternoon but that she was now pregnant. Her suspicions were confirmed when Celestia named the new child Blueblood the Second, and when she accidentally got pregnant herself.

“See?”

“What’s your point, Celly?”

“I don’t know, it’s like a curse or something.”

“A curse of fertility?”

Celestia nodded. “I need the doctors to diagnose you too, you know?”

“No, I don’t.”

“You do now.”

“No, I don’t.”

It was later that afternoon that she did. And what the doctors said that day made Celestia almost faint and kill the fetus inside her that had been there just a week after she gave birth to Blueblood the Third.

“Turns out, alicorns are incredibly fertile.” He nodded giddily. “Like, they have a very normal sex drive as most ponies, but your chances of getting pregnant is so high that we can be certain that anytime they have sex they’d be pregnant.”

Luna almost fainted when Celestia told her the news.

“We what!?”

“We’re incredibly fertile, Lulu.”

“So we can’t have sex!?”

Celestia coughed. "I am, unfortunately, straight. And I do not encourage inbreeding."

"I didn't mean 'with each other', just sex in general."

"The General is, unfortunately, gay."

"That's not what I meant."

"What do you mean, then?"

"We cannot safely have sex with anypony?"

“We can, but we can’t have sex without being pregnant.”

“But the doctor didn’t say 100% chance, didn’t he?”

“Oh no, he didn’t. He said 95%.”

Luna sighed in relief.

“He’s not very good at math.”

Luna fainted, almost killing the fetus inside her that history would later remember as the Duke for the House of Sparkle.

Tower Shield

It was brilliant.

It was an impeccable plan. Nothing will stop it from happening. All she needed to do was to say it right there, right then.

“Your people are waiting, Your Highness.”

Princess Celestia stepped into the balcony overlooking a sea of ponies from all classes of the land. Except for the really poor ones on the border that hadn’t gotten the news that their princess was about to announce something incredibly important regarding the many ponies that had been claiming that they were all her heirs.

Silence reigned over the courtyard of the newly-finished Canterlot Castle, everypony waiting for a word to be spoken.

“Your Highness?”

Celestia coughed.

“Is something wrong, Your Highness?”

“No.”

“Your people are waiting, Your Highness.”

“I know, Tower Shield, I know.”

“...Then can you—”

“Keep your big damn mouth shut, Shield.”

Shield bowed. “But with all due respect—”

“Are you deaf, Captain?”

“No, Your Highness.”

“Then keep your big damn mouth shut.”

Captain Tower Shield bowed. “But Your Highness—”

“Did I ask you to open your big damn mouth, Captain?”

“No—”

“Then keep your big damn mouth shut or I’ll tell your wife how many children you’ve made with me.”

“But—”

“And I’ll charge you for child support.”

Tower Shield kept his big damn mouth shut.

Celestia took a deep breath and looked over her citizens. “Citizens of Equestria!”

Everypony cheered.

“On this beautiful day, I want to make an announcement for you all to remember.”

Everypony cheered louder.

“Now, can you all please shut up first?”

Everypony cheered even louder.

Celestia nodded. “On this beautiful day, citizens of Equestria, I will make an announcement, and that is for you all to keep your big damn mouths shut and listen when your princess is talking.”

Everypony kept their big damn mouths shut.

“Citizens of Equestria, I am here to announce that I have never had children.”

Everypony gasped.

“Can you all please keep your big damn mouths shut when I am talking?”

Everypony kept their big damn mouths shut.

Celestia nodded in approval. “As I said, I’ve never had children. In fact, I’m infertile, thus cannot have children. Any rumors you may have heard of somepony being a direct descendant of mine is a lie. All those white ponies that made up the royal guard and telling you that they’re my sons and daughters? Well, that is true, but only because I adopted them to become the greatest warriors that our country needs to prevent any catastrophe from happening again.”

“But what about the prince?” a random citizen asked.

“He’s a prince because he can keep his big damn mouth shut. Like you should.”

The random citizen kept his big damn mouth shut.

“In fact, all alicorns are infertile.”

“Princess Luna, too?”

“Who?”

“Princess Luna. Your sister that you banished to the moon and cried over for the past few decades because you found out in her diary that she was pregnant when you banished her?”

“That is all a lie. I don’t have any sister.”

“But I remember Princess Luna destroying our beloved city!”

“No, that was just a monster that cannot keep its big damn mouth shut. Princess Luna is a myth. The Mare in the Moon is a myth. In fact, you all can read it in a history book titled Myths and Legends of Equestria. While keeping your big damn mouths shut.”

The next day, a hastily-written book titled Myths and Legends of Equestria was published and turned up to be a great success. On the same day, a carefully-written book titled Facts of Equestria was also published, and it quickly overshadowed the former in their popularity, mainly because of one of the chapters titled “Anemophily and You: What to Do When You Got Pregnant for No Apparent Reason”.

The science community was puzzled by a finding that should’ve been too obvious not to notice: mares can get pregnant by the west wind. After numerous studies, scientists found out that the statistics matched up: upon mating season when mares went to heat, some of them would become pregnant without having done copulation with any stallion. From that day forward the community gained a lot more members in the history department to fact-check earlier studies, and just as fast, they lost members when they found out how ridiculous it was that previous studies did not notice this fact, and some even blatantly rejected the idea because indeed it was only a recent phenomenon that Celestia made up.

But Celestia didn’t make that up, of course, because it was written in a book of facts that contained only made-up myths by Celestia.

Celestia wouldn’t confess that the wind impregnation phenomenon was caused by a spell she used, of course, or it’d be disastrous. Everypony would call her stupid.

It was brilliant.

Celestia had made a spell that fixed her fertility problem: every time she had sex, somepony else got pregnant. And because all her descendants were white-coated, she mandated that anypony that got impregnated by the wind to have the resulting offspring be trained in the Royal Guards Academy. She gave no reason why, but since the crown also promised to take care of their child’s wellbeing, confused mares who couldn’t afford to raise a child didn’t complain and nodded along.

That concluded the true history of why the Royal Guards are of the same color, why they’re such an incompetent bunch, and why you don’t see Celestia ever pregnant.

“So my brother was—”

“Likely a result of sex between me and ex-Lieutenant Storm Wing? Who is very likely to be my child? Yes.”

“And—”

“That explains why he’s such an incompetent piece of shit? Yes.”

“Not what I was about to ask, but that does answer some long-overdue questions. But—”

“Every time you have sex you’re going to be pregnant? Yes.”

Twilight fainted, and Celestia caught her before she hit her big round belly on the crystal floor.

Luna let out a long sigh. “Who did she have sex with, anyway?”

Celestia glared at the much-flustered Rarity on the other end of the Cutie Map, her mascara still running down her cheeks after a fight involving broken promises.

“Wait, you mean we can get pregnant after homosexual intercourse!?”

Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you’ve had that figured out? You know, with the bat ponies and all?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luna lied, averting her eyes from the rest of the Elements of Harmony.

“It was before your banishment when a thestral—”

“When a thestral can keep her big damn mouth shut.”

Celestia kept her big damn mouth shut.

Emerald Bulldozer

Not even Shining Armor understood how Cadance did that, and Shining Armor knew everything. Shining Armor knew everything about his wife but how she could carry a portable apocalypse in her womb and how she could always get away with cheating on him. Shining Armor could not understand how she could carry a portable apocalypse in her womb because he did not know that he didn’t create that portable apocalypse with her, and Shining Armor did not know how she could always get away with cheating on him because she could always get away with cheating on him.

Shining Armor was a former Captain of the Royal Guard and the best shield-caster in all of Equestria. He knew just about everything there is to know about shield-casting and shield-penetrating and the only reason he did not know everything else about shield-casting and shield-penetrating was because he was too busy with his nerdy collections. He understood perfectly how war works after centuries without any war whatsoever because he played too many Ogres and Oubliettes and managed to break it down to exact science, and he understood perfectly how to handle threats to his beloved country because he didn’t know at all about how to handle threats to his beloved country.

In short, Shining Armor was an incompetent piece of shit. He was a big-hearted incompetent piece of shit that could rant at length about how to play with uncertain outcomes and rant at more length about how a game with certain outcomes was not a game worth playing. Everypony knew he was going to come out as best from the Royal Guards Academy, and everypony not in the Royal Guards Academy knew that he was an incompetent piece of shit because he came out of the Royal Guards Academy, while everypony in the Royal Guards Academy thought that he was an annoying nerd. Nopony liked him.

In fact, everypony loathed his mere presence. Everypony who did not loath his mere presence were either the ones that would, or Twilight Sparkle. It was because of this that he loved his sister so much, and why his sister avoided being in a room alone with him at any cost. It was also because of this that his parents hired a foalsitter for Twilight, and why they’re so worried about Cadance’s wellbeing when she dated their colt. They did not worry about her wellbeing anymore when she got two huge tumors on her back, and instead freaked out on a daily basis.

They calmed down, however, when they found out that Cadance had been cheating on him. Cadance had had a lot of sex with a lot of different stallions and mares and every other conceivable gender, and she only giggled when news came out that the Children of the Wind had recently been born with pink coats. She stopped giggling when she met her aunt, and instead laughed out loud together. That is, until Celestia told her to only have sex with white stallions for the sake of maintaining a homogenous coat color among the Royal Guards. That or use a condom, which she loathed to use, and that's only available for stallions anyway.

While she was upset, she quickly remembered that she was dating an incompetent piece of shit with white coat color, and remembered how, as incompetent as he was at everything else, he was the best in bed. It was just that he’s so good at sex that extremely good sex got monotonous, so she would at times seek sex with sexually-incompetent virgin stallions just so she could appreciate Shining Armor’s only competency left.

“But what about the prince?” cried Emerald Bulldozer, a crystal pony guard that happened to not live to his name and instead had a white crystalline coat.

Cadance clicked her tongue. “Shining Armor is an incompetent piece of shit. He wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t find out.”

“He’d be upset if he does!”

“Not if you keep your big damn mouth shut and get your glittery crystal dick inside me.”

And then they fucked, and nine months later an apocalypse was born. She named him Peridot Trinitrotoluene, and he was the first-ever Child of the Wind that was a crystal pony. His mother immediately denounced him and sent him straight into the Royal Guards Academy after he blew up half her house at the age of three months.

Around nine months before that also, Cadance taught Luna how to competently have homosexual intercourse after she got a lot of complaints about her lack of sexual skills. And nine months after that, Flurry Heart was born, while on the other end of Equestria, another Child of the Wind got a pink coat.

“I thought you had the spell running!?”

Cadance laughed at Luna’s face. “I stopped it. Just that once.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Now I know how to handle pregnancy.”

Luna scoffed and gave her five bits.

“Wanna do it again sometime?”

“If by ‘sometime’ you mean ‘now’, then yes.”

And then they scissor-fucked, and nine months later two Children of the Wind got a pink coat and a blue coat respectively. Celestia was furious, and for this, from that day forward Luna asked Cadance for sexual intercourses as often as their schedules let them, and fifteen years after that the Royal Guards Academy got their first actually competent graduates who coincidentally did not have white coat colors. Luckily, at that time the newly-inaugurated Princess Twilight Sparkle had opened up the Royal Guards Academy for other species too, so the incompetent ones did not get too much attention from the public.

Around that time also did Celestia, now free of her royal duties and full of regret of her past mistakes, asked Cadance to teach her how to have sex with ponies of the same sex.

“I thought you’re heterosexual?”

“Yes, but I also want to have Twilight freak out when a ‘Child of the Wind’ got a mix of our color palettes.”

Exactly eight years and nine months after that, Twilight was stuck at Luster Dawn’s birthday party. She enjoyed it, though, and that made Celestia upset that her intricately-crafted prank backfired.

Twilight snickered and bopped Celestia’s muzzle. “She’s such a cute filly, you know that? And very good at magic.” She smiled fondly at the filly, currently running around in a game of tag with her friends that she would later estrange as she became more and more immersed in her studies.

“You didn’t make her hatch an egg.”

“It didn’t take me long to notice she’s your daughter. I’m just curious how genetically competent you are.”

Celestia smiled smugly. Then frowned. “Wait, how did you find out, exactly? She has no color on her that’s from my palette whatsoever.”

Twilight smiled smugly and bopped Celestia’s muzzle. “First, there’s no way Cadance would go so low as to ask Sunburst out. Second, you used to have an orange mane, didn’t you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then explain how you taste like oranges?”

“I absolutely do not taste like oranges!”

Twilight bopped her muzzle. “Cadance said that, and I say she knows a little bit more about ‘tastes’ than you do because she invented it.”

Celestia sighed in defeat.

Twilight leaned in and whispered at Celestia’s ear, “Wanna do it sometime?”

“I’m not gay.”

She bopped her. “But you can be gay.”

Celestia punched her in the face.

Later that day Twilight learned how Celestia tasted like oranges with a hint of cotton candy. She also learned how good Celestia was with ropes.

And nine months after that, Cozy Glow was born, but the Royal Guards Academy hated her so much they sent her back to the past as an orphaned megalomaniacal piece of shit. Upon hearing about this, Twilight banished the guy that sent her back to the past to even further back to the past, then later regretted everything she had done that led to that moment when she learned that his name was Rusty Compass.

Celestia laughed and bopped her muzzle.

Twilight punched her in the face. “Keep your big damn mouth shut, Celestia.”

“Or what?”

She bit her lip and scoffed. “Fuck you.”

And then they fucked again. This created Flash Sentry, but that's irrelevant. You only needed to know that he grew up to be a dope after being sent to the past by Cadance, which made her regret everything that she had done that led her to that moment.

Author's Note

I'm catching twenty-two different levels of fun.