If you're reading this and I'm not here...
In life, there’s always moments.
Everyone’s had at least one.
Moments where you suddenly realize that you're not the hero of the story.
Which wouldn’t be that bad if you were at least a background character.
But you’re not.
You’re the clown.
This is generally a moment of heat to the face and despair. It’s not exactly an easy thing to come to terms with. After all, being the clown is generally regarded as the least favorable position in a story. Not even like a comic relief clown, which has a somewhat positive vibe with the rest of the main characters.
No. Like the bad kind of clown. Like the kind that was the only one not in on the joke.
The fool.
Maybe not everyone’s had that moment, but I had mine on the altar of Old Santa Rosa Catholic Church.
Alone.
The wedding planner replayed that god damn Sam Smith song three times before the people in the pews began to shift uncomfortably. Two more times before my concerned best-man whispered in my ear. I stayed standing there, a hopeful smile on my face for another whole three replays. Even after the wedding planner went to check the bride-to-be’s room. Her and the Maid of Honor we’re gone.
I feel bad for her, the wedding planner that is. She came in and had to explain to my optimistic ass that my fiance wasn’t anywhere to be found in the church.
She had written “I’m so sorry I can’t do this” in lipstick in the mirror of the changing room.
I remember laughing. I think I was in shock. I don’t know. This was something that happened in soap operas. Not in real life.
This wasn’t happening to me.
I couldn’t be.
Eventually my dad came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.
My stupid ass was still grinning hopefully.
I don’t really remember what emotions I felt at the time. It honestly felt more like a dream. I was detached. Some people filed up and offered their condolences. It suddenly felt like a funeral. My fiance’s mom even hugged me, which I guess was a nice gesture but it bothered me for some reason. I don't remember what I said to them in response. It was likely something between Thank you and Fuck off.
Like I said, I don’t remember.
I do remember getting the email from the Company refusing the refund for my honeymoon tickets.
I had managed to swing tickets through the Portal. We were going to Honeymoon in the New World. Las Pegasus to be specific, all expenses paid. It was practically a year’s salary too.
If I learned anything from angry breakup songs, it was this.
Wild desperate decisions made in the fog of sorrow and anger never came back to bite you.
And my ass was going on this trip. I had two weeks off work and I was going on vacation and I wasn’t going to be sober for a moment of it.
An empty seat on a Portal Ship was next to unheard of.
I taped our engagement rings on the middle seat’s table tray. The fat dude at the window seat casting me uncomfortable glances the whole time.
Three pony flight attendants had to come by and check that a passenger wasn’t missing. These tickets weren’t cheap after all leaving a passenger behind in the wrong dimension was a big deal..
Eventually I had to explain to the mare WHY the seat was empty. Honestly I thought she was going to cry for me. Her rump hit the deck of the aisle and she covered her heart with one hoof while another set a comforting hoof on my leg as if to console me.
I asked when bottle service would start. She snorted amicably.
“You sound like you need it. As soon as we get to cruising altitude I’ll bring you a drink. On the house, you poor dear.”
She was nice.
“You’re sweet.” I smiled at her.
She really was. A pegasus with mocha fur and a midnight black mane done up in a hastey bun. I don’t know why the company made them wear uniforms. If anything a formerly naked pony wearing a navy skirt and a billowy white shirt with a scarf seems more out of place than wearing nothing for some reason.
The mare brought me a coke and whiskey. Bless her heart.
She hadn’t even walked away by the time it went down.
I smiled at her thankfully and she refilled the small plastic airplane cup and with a knowing grin she also hoofed me a few extra mini bottles of Drambuie. She gave me a wink in return as she handed a ginger ale to the big man to my right.
“Sorry to eavesdrop, but uhh... I couldn’t help but overhear,” the big man at the window seat nodded toward the engagement rings taped to the tray table between us. “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.”
I thanked him. I offered him a mini bottle. He grinned and accepted it. We clinked tiny plastic containers and slammed back the airliner scotch.
I didn’t even like scotch but today I did.
It’s not sorrow or anger or any of those ‘primary color emotions’ that are the killer ones.
It’s always lethargy. Ever since my wedding day I didn’t really feel anything. Why bother? Last time I did it hurt. Even animals learned not to stick their noses where it hurt. And I generally like to think I’m smarter than the average animal. Although historically speaking based on my track record of decision making that didn’t really hold up.
But now I felt the tickle of excitement tickling the back of my heart. Maybe even optimism. Was I not good enough for her? Did she leave me because I was deficient in some way? What did she see that I didn’t?
The answer is, Who fucking cares?
I slammed two more bottles of Drambuie and the warmth started flowing through my veins. I’m not saying alcohol was the solution. I realize that’s a bad message to send. But fuck if I didn’t really give a fuck about messages at the time. I was taking back my life. And there was a big part of myself that I needed to kill.
“Improvement is hard because we are both the marble and the sculptor.” Someone famous said that. I think it was Jesus, or maybe David Bowie.
I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter.
Why didn’t she want me?
Nope. I tossed another bottle back. Can’t keep going down that road. Jake Owen was right. 90 proof or bust. I got some ghosts that need dealt with.
No that wasn’t a spelling mistake. That’s how we talk where I’m from.
Shut up.
My guardian Angel was back. The pegasus flight attendant sidled back up to my side. “You doing alright, Shug?” (Presumably short for Sugar) She asked with genuine concern in her eyes.
I assured her I would be and she smiled and she touched my cheek with a wing and made meaningful eye contact before sashaying away. Not walk. That mare sashayed.
I seen walking and I seen a Sashay.
THAT was a sashay.
I touched the spot she touched with my fingertips. My skin felt hot.
Oh fuck was I blushing??? Did I just fucking blush for a pony?
Or was it the free whiskey?
Fuck.
I turned toward the big man at the window seat. He gave me a thumbs-up and a one eyebrow waggle. What the fuck was reality? What is happening?
I slammed my last Drambuie.
Holy shit I felt good.
My blood was happy.
I just had to maintain this vibe for the next three hundred and thirty six hours.
I pushed the help button, hoping Angel would come back. I’ll figure out her real name later. A stallion showed up instead. A white earth pony with a flamboyantly gay accent. Way to buy into the stereotypes Portal Airlines. But he was nice enough. I ordered a few cans of Red Bull and tiny bottles of Jack Daniels.
He chuckled and said my heart was going to explode before we landed in Las Pegasus.
I smiled and told him I wasn’t that lucky and he did a double take and laughed off my morbid joke with good humor.
Eventually I was in a good enough mood that I dozed off into a half asleep state. Letting my head buzz pleasantly as we approached the event horizon of the portal.
I woke up with no hangover. Happily enough. It was dark now. We had presumably been in the air for a few hours. The sun had long since set on the west horizon. The plane was dark, the lights had dimmed and most of the passengers were asleep. The big man to my right was snoring softly into his neck pillow.
I pressed the call button again and Angel showed up, with a smile. “How ya doin?” she asked.
“Better now that you’re here.” I answered.
“You think you’re the first passenger to use that line on me?”
“I think I’m the first to mean it.”
I did.
She laughed it off. “What can I get you?”
“Just a water, please.”
She nodded and trotted off. Bringing back a bottle of SmartWater™ and a pair of pills.
I raised an eyebrow at the drugs.
“It’s just Tylenol, Tiger,” she clarified. “I think you’re gonna need it.
I snorted and had a moment. “I must seem pretty pathetic, huh?” Her smile vanished. “A reject groom so embarrassed he’s running to another dimension? Numbing the pain with airport whiskey? You’re sweet to put up with me.” I swallowed the pills and looked at the engagement rings taped to the tray table beside me.
A wing touched my cheek, moving my head back to face the mare at the aisle. Her eyes weren’t kind anymore. She seemed kinda pissed.
“Don’t you ever apologize for trying to recover from a broken heart,” she said. “Everypony copes in different ways. I wouldn’t call what you're doing healthy…” she admitted. “But if you come out of this on the other end in a better place then I say it was worth it.”
I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out.
“Your feelings are valid and you aren’t a reject.”
Fuck now I’m definitely blushing. This is bullshit. I am a big grown adult man.
I became acutely aware of how close her head was to mine. Somewhere in her speech she had propped her front hooves on my leg to speak to me at eye level. I don’t know when. I was lost in those comforting chocolate eyes.
I could feel her breath on my face.
I blinked and frowned as an ugly thought crossed my mind. “I’m not after your pity if you think that’s what this is.”
She frowned back. “I can empathize with you without pitying you.” she clarified. “Take it for what it is. You’re not the first one to have their heart broken, you know.”
Her face was still unusually close to mine.
“You should be careful. You’re very pretty and I’m emotionally vulnerable. A guy might start to get the wrong Idea.”
She smiled knowingly. As she stepped back down. “And what ideas might those be?”
~~~~~
Airplane lavatories are small. You probably already knew that.
But cramming into one of them with an amorous pegasus really emphasized the fact.
She was snugly pressed against the wall of the lavatory. There wasn’t even enough room for her wings to fully extend which oddly enough seemed to frustrate and excite her all the more.
I’ve never been thankful for turbulence in my life, but the aircraft crossing the portal provided enough noise and vibration to cover the occasional moans from the mare as we collided into one another. I pressed my lips to hers in a vain attempt to silence her. Hands on her hips I spun her around and set her on the sink. My thumbs dug into her sides and her legs and wings wrapped around me as we rounded home.
She shuddered slightly and cried out before biting down on my neck, hard. If ponies had canines I would have likely been in trouble. It still hurt though. I returned the favor by yanking her off my neck by her mane and kissing her again. Her initial surprise lost as she hummed thoughtfully and pressed her tongue into my mouth.
The plane shuddered and she slid off the sink. I barely managed to catch her, clutching holding her close until the plane settled down a little. I could feel her little heart hammering in her chest as she tried to catch her breath.
“Holy shit,” she sighed. “Do all humans fuck like that?”
I couldn’t help but scoff slightly. “Why? Was I your first human?”
“Yes,” she said perfectly matter-of-factly. I gave her a cockeyed look. “Don’t read into it too much, shug. Interspecies stuff is a bigger deal for your kind than it is for mine.”
I hummed “And here I am thinking this airplane bathroom sex meant something special,” I muttered into her mane before nibbling on her ear, causing her hips to jerk and wings to twitch.
She laughed breathlessly as she squirmed against me. “I wouldn’t have done it if you weren’t special,” she assured. “But I have to go back to work. We’re through the portal now. We need to start prepping for landing. So you might want to… you know,” she glanced downward and winked.
“Right,” I replied. We separated, and I pulled my pants back up. And she shimmied back into her skirt,zipping it up and tucking her shirt and replacing her little cap.
Once we were reasonably sorted she reared up and pushed me against the wall of the lavatory and pressed her lips against mine one more time.
“Wait a minute then leave after me,” she had said.
“What’s your name?” I suddenly asked.
She laughed, fixing me with a grin. “Annabelle.”
“I’m, Jim,” I said, sticking my hand out and smiling.
She set her hoof in my hand and I gave it a little shake. “Nice to meet you Jim.” She plucked a small card out of her shirt pocket. It was about the size of a business card. It had her number on it. “Maybe we’ll meet again. She opened the door and peeked out. Apparently deciding it was clear she stepped out. She turned around before she closed the door behind her. “Welcome to Equestria, enjoy your stay in Las Pegasus.”
I left the lavatory exactly one minute later. It was still dark and everyone still seemed to be asleep. I made it back to my row and sat down.
A fist jabbed into my shoulder. The fat man who I had assumed to be asleep had slugged me playfully with a proud knowing smile. I guess he saw us leave the bathroom.
I snorted amicably, but my eyes fell on the engagement rings still taped to the middle tray. My smile fell a bit.
“Hey,” the fat man got my attention, looking serious. He peeled up the piece of duct tape holding down my rings. He held them out to me. When I held out my hand to receive them he pressed them into my palm meaningfully. Still holding my hand he said just a few words to me. “She’s right, you know. You’re not less of a person because of mistakes you made. You’re moving on. Learn from the past, but don’t dwell on it.” He squeezed the rings into my hand once more to emphasize the point.
I hate to admit it, but this stranger’s words hit me a little closer than I’d ever admit. I squeezed his hand back in gratitude. “Thank you.”
He nodded and I stuffed the rings into my pocket.
“Why are you going to Equestria?” I asked after a moment’s realization I had been to taken with my own problems to exchange pleasantries.
“My wife’s there.”
“You married an Equestrian?”
He laughed. “No, she’s human. She just works there. She’s a aerospace engineer. She’s working on contract for a flying team.”
“The Wonderbolts?” I raised an eyebrow.
“You’ve heard of them?” he nodded.
“Only in the papers. I’ve never seen them.”
“You should go to a show if you have the time. It’s pretty impressive. Not as high speed as an air show back home, but much more graceful. Like an aerial ballet.”
“I might just do that,” I nodded appreciatively.
He fished around in his carry-on for a moment. “Here,” he handed me a ticket. “They’re in Las Pegasus for the next week. My wife gets us in for free. So it’s kinda wasted on me.”
I was a little flabbergasted. “Jesus, are you sure? From what I heard these tickets aint exactly cheap.”
He waved it off dismissively. “I’m not gonna use it. Take it, kid. Have a good time.”
The lights came on and the pilots announced that we were about to begin our descent.
Landing was fairly uneventful. I exited the plane earning myself a wink from Annabelle and a knowing smirk from the flamboyant stallion who kept nudging the mare teasingly.
I exited the airport, and the fat man slapped me on the shoulder again as he walked passed. “See ya around, kid. Don’t forget what I said.” I waved him off and thanked him again. He disappeared into a cab.
I took a deep breath. The air was cleaner here. Probably because there were no cars.
I shrugged my bag into a more comfortable position on my shoulder and waved down a cab of my own. Which is to say, not really a cab at all. But instead a yellow checkered box on wheels pulled by a pony.
“Where to?” the stallion asked.
I gave him the name of my hotel. He nodded.
I hopped in and away we went.
The city was very Vegas-like. Maybe a bit more family friendly. But I had been assured if there’s a vice or virtue you could dream of, it could be found here if you knew where to look.
I snorted at myself. The absurdity of it all crashing down on me.
I stretched out in the back of the cab. Watching the city go by, flashing lights and fountains all manner of sounds and smells.
So much to do and no idea where to start. My mind went everywhere and nowhere all at once. I put my hand on my leg and felt the rings through the fabric of my pants. One thing was for sure.
I was gonna have myself some fun.
Author's Note
idk if anyones noticed this but basically every story ive ever written has been because i listened to a song while just the right kind of drunk
if you haven't noticed then dont worry too much about it...it just means that you're stupid and you dont pay attention
shine on
