Author's Note
Feel free to listen to the song the chapter was named after during the action scenes.
Welcome to the Jungle
Chrysalis had finally done it. After years of struggle, she had finally succeeded in conquering the entirety of Equestria with her Changeling army. In fact, it was only yesterday when she and her minions eradicated the very last rebel cells remaining in all the land, and even terminated the annoyingly persistent leader of the rebels, Zecora. She was a zebra shaman who had the nerve to provide sanctuary to the survivors of Changeling attacks on Equestrian cities and even provide them combat training in an effort to demolish the new regime.
Even though her rebellion was determined and dedicated to the cause, it was all for naught. With overmatched and outnumbered, their defeat at the hooves of the vicious Changeling soldiers was all but certain. The fight could only last for little over a year before every single one of the rebels had their love devoured by the Changelings while Zecora was executed by Queen Chrysalis herself, who was now feeling on top of the world. She had obtained everything she could possibly want. Delicious love from all the ponies and creatures in Equestria, hundreds of servants obeying her every command, and even the absolutely gorgeous Canterlot Palace, which contained wide colorful halls and exquisite decorations.
She had to admit, sabotaging that royal wedding between the captain of the Canterlot guard and Princess Celestia’s dearest niece all those months ago was the very best action she had ever taken in her entire life. Now, she had a seemingly unlimited supply of food for both herself and her subjects, freedom to do whatever she wanted, and total dominion over the entire land. The best part of all this was the fact that there was no pony or creature in the whole wide universe left to challenge her.
Or so she thought...
It was early afternoon when it happened. Chrysalis had just finished draining love from two rebels captured during her raid on Zecora's headquarters the other day. This time her meals came from a yellow Pegasus who had proven herself to be quite handy with a spear and a pink Earth-pony who had a surprisingly inflatable mane. After Chrysalis devoured the entirety of the love inside them, she began to walk around the castle halls while thinking about yesterday's events. If she was not mistaken, there was a little purple alicorn and a baby dragon who were standing beside Zecora before running towards the deeper parts of the Everfree Forest when the battle started. One of her soldiers even reported being blasted by the alicorn's magic, and catching a glimpse of both her and the baby dragon disappearing upon opening a portal.
Needless to say, Chrysalis was a little concerned about these developments. She was wondering whether or not this could be a sign for future events to come. If so, was it a good or bad omen? What if it was no omen at all and actually just a random event? These thoughts were on the verge of driving her crazy. In fact, she was not even sure if her sleep could be peaceful that night. Thankfully, her thoughts and worries were suddenly interrupted by an extremely loud booming sound coming from outside.
As soon as she heard it, she rushed towards the nearest window and upon looking through it, she saw a strange object falling from the sky and heading towards the city. Concerned, she immediately went outside to see her soldiers lining up in front of the castle, ready to attack the object if it turned out to be anything dangerous. When Chrysalis arrived, a rather distinctive Changeling with moderate blue violet eyes, a deep crimson mane, and dark blue violet wings stepped forwards to bow before her.
"Your orders, my queen?", he inquired.
Chrysalis replied, "Maintain your position, Commander Pharynx. Do not engage until we know exactly what that thing is."
"By your command", Pharynx replied before announcing to the soldiers, "You heard the queen! We will not attack until the unidentified object attacks us first! Do you understand?!"
"YES, SIR!", shouted the troops all together and began to wait for the object to reach the surface.
Suddenly, a soldier right behind Pharynx nervously inquired, "Um, sir? A question, if I may?"
Pharynx sighed in annoyance and replied, "What is it, Private Thorax?"
"Maybe we should just stand down and try reasoning with that thing?", asked Thorax.
Pharynx then shouted, "Soldier, you will attack without hesitation the second that thing makes the first move! We have direct orders from our queen to do so and they will not be questioned under any circumstance! IS THAT CLEAR?!"
In response, Thorax lowered his head in shame and whimpered, "Yes, sir."
Nearly half a minute later, it finally landed on the castle courtyard. However, in a surprise twist, the "object" turned out to be a strange bipedal creature riding what looked like a giant flying motorcycle. As he got off his bike, Chrysalis finally got a good look at him and she was found what she saw absolutely revolting.
The creature had white skin, a very muscular body, long dark dreadlocks for hair, and black shadows around each of his crimson red eyes. He was wearing a dark blue leather jacket with two sets of three spikes emerging from the shoulders, and the words 'Bite me fanboy' on the back. He was shirtless, with a bandolier wrapped across his bare chest. He was wearing a spiked dark-blue gauntlet on his left arm while his right forearm has a chain wrapped around it. Dark-blue chaps were covering his black leather pants, and he was also wearing a belt with a skull-shaped buckle lined with grenades and ammo pouches, as well as a holster for his pistol. His boots were metallic greaves with three spikes emerging out the sides and skulls on the knees.
He started walking towards the Changelings like he owned the place with a huge smug grin on his face. When he got close enough, he began to wave his hand at Chrysalis while she and her minions continued to glare at him with intense contempt and disgust.
"Whassup, Chryssie?! Sorry for the undramatic entrance, but since my trusty Space Hog and I are only gonna stay for a little while, I guess it don't matter much!", the creature happily exclaimed. "Gotta say, I frickin' love this old crack house you're stayin' at! Sure, it could use some extra paint job and whatnot, but as is, it's pretty damn decent! Heh!"
When he noticed that none of the Changelings were laughing or even smiling, he became a little confused.
"Hey, what's the matter? Haven't seen a crowd this stiff since that trip I took to the Justice Dweeb Watchtower a few months back", he inquired before his eyes widened with realization. "Wait, don't tell me! It's because I haven't yet introduced myself properly, isn't it! Ah, where are my frickin' manners?!"
He facepalmed and let out a frustrated sigh.
"Well, sooner rather than later, I suppose", he stated and cleared his throat. "Anyways, let's try that again, shall we? You're now in the presence of Lobo, the Main Man himself and the very best bounty hunter in the whole damn universe! As for my purpose here, I'm about to collect little Chryssie's head for a big fat bounty money."
As soon as he said that, the entire Changeling army violently hissed at him, and began to surround both him and his motorcycle. At this action, Lobo became both surprised and a little irritated at the same time.
"Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! Guys, there's no need for this!", he began to explain. "I haven't even clarified WHY my client wants her head! You see-"
"ENOUGH!!!", Chrysalis interrupted him with a roar. "You dare trespass into my kingdom, address me with a despicable name, and now you claim to have come here with the intention of taking my life?! You insolent repulsive fool! By the time my subjects and I are done with you, you will be missing not just your head, but your entire abomination of a body, as well!"
The second he heard that, Lobo burst out laughing, much to the puzzlement of the Changelings.
"Damn good one, Chryssie! I can safely say you'd make an amazing stand-up comedian!", he exclaimed before laughing even harder than before while the Changelings kept staring at him in total confusion. Finally, he managed to calm down in a handful of seconds and even wiped a tear from his left eye.
"Anywho, the guy who announced the bounty in the first place told me and the other bounty hunters that you've been a REALLY bad girl. I don't recall much, but I reckon he said somethin' about draining love from creatures makes you stronger and that kind of strength is a threat to his business. So, he put this frickin' huge bounty on your head, and I'm ready to do any dirty and sick thing I can think of to collect it. You know why? 'Cause if there's one thing that makes me stand out from most bounty hunters these days is that I never ever back down from a contract. I'm many things, sweetness, but a quitter certainly ain't one of 'em. So, whaddaya say, your highnie? You gonna be a good girl for once and give up nicely or would ya prefer to have a little fun first?"
Just then, Chrysalis furiously blasted him with her magic and he crashed into his own motorcycle. Though a little stunned, he quickly got back to his feet, cracked his neck a few times, and a sadistic smile appeared on his face.
"Congratulations, my little bastich! You've made the smart choice of having fun with the Main Man!" he joyously declared and punched his left hand with his right fist. "So, which one of your ugly-ass boys I get to frag first? Make it quick, 'cause I've been dyin' for action ALL WEEK and might just go berserk on all you stinkin' parasites at once! Trust me, that ain't gonna be pretty the slightest."
"I have a much better idea", Chrysalis while smiling just as evilly. "How about we all go berserk on YOU?! Commander Pharynx, you know exactly what to do!"
"Of course, my queen!", Pharynx declared and ordered the soldiers, "ALL FORCES, DESTROY THE MONSTROSITY!"
Once they heard that order, every single one of the Changelings leaped towards Lobo with the intention of ripping him apart. However, before they could even reach him, Lobo punched the ground extremely hard, which created not only huge cracks on the surface of the courtyard, but also a gigantic shock wave that sent the entire army flying backwards and forced Chrysalis to conjure up a shield with her magic to protect herself.
As they tried to recover and get ready to attack again, Lobo retrieved both a cigar and a welding machine from his utility belt. He then excitedly exclaimed, "Time to liven up the joint!", before putting the cigar to his mouth and lighting it with the welding machine. He then attached the welding machine back to his belt and prepared to meet the next attacker.
Soon enough, the Changelings began to get back on their hooves one by one and soon as they did, they came at Lobo with intense ferocity. However, when the first one was only a foot or so away from him, Lobo headbutted the Changeling with enough strength to make him explode into dozens of pieces and release gallons of blue-colored blood everywhere. Although the other Changelings were completely shocked by that feat, Chrysalis furiously ordered them to continue to press their attack and they did so. Lobo, meanwhile, cracked his knuckles and proceeded to go absolutely crazy on the next batch of poor unfortunate souls. Indeed, each time he attacked a Changeling, the same thing that happened to the first one repeated frame by frame.
RIGHT HOOK!
LEFT HOOK!
BITCH SLAP!
UPPERCUT!
SHORYUKEN!
FRONT KICK!
SIDE KICK!
BACK KICK!
JUMP KICK!
DROP KICK!
SPINNING KICK!
ELBOW!
PEOPLE'S ELBOW!
AND HEADBUTT AGAIN!
As the number of remaining Changelings continued to dwindle due to Lobo's strikes, Chrysalis decided to change tactics and ordered her minions to contain him by piling on to him. Even though they obeyed her command, Lobo jumped up towards the sky before the pile could completely surround him and then, he belly-flopped right into the pile, fully obliterating about a hundred more Changelings in the process, much to the utter horror of Chrysalis.
While some of the unaffected Changelings were helping the injured and the dazed get back on their hooves, the rest of them charged at Lobo with even greater rage. Lobo, meanwhile, had already gotten up and was even licking the Changeling blood spilled on his body. From the smile on his face, it was clear that he had really enjoyed the taste.
Craving for more, he grabbed on of the charging Changelings mid-air, put out his cigar on one of the Changeling's eyes, ripped him in half like bread, and drank the blood flowing downwards from his inside. When he was done, he threw away the torn corpse, grabbed a second Changeling mid-air, and threw him towards a third one in the air, which resulted in yet another bloody explosion and thus, an opportunity for Lobo to devour even more Changeling blood falling from the sky. Then, he got his hands on a fourth Changeling, shoved a grenade up his ass, and threw him towards a group of another five Changelings. When the grenade went off, all six of them blew up to pieces in spectacular fashion. Therefore, Lobo quickly ran towards the spot right under the explosion, and let gallons of falling delicious Changeling blood cover nearly his entire body, enter his mouth, and flow right into his unholy stomach.
Once he cleaned himself up (mostly through licking himself like a cat), he lit another cigar with the welding machine and readied himself for the arrival of the next soldier about to be made a martyr. What surprised him a bit, though, was the fact that the next Changeling transformed into a ten foot long Cragadile that weighed approximately a thousand pounds before charging at him. Fortunately, before it could get its gigantic jaws on Lobo's skin, Lobo moved out of the way, and lifted it up from its tail. He then began to swing the Cragadile around like a flail and hit the nearby Changelings with extreme force, This, of course, led them to be destroyed every single one of them the second they were hit and Lobo managed to obliterate several dozens of them in a single minute. He even performed combos in which he hit at least six Changelings at a time.
His combo streak was only broken when the very next Changeling transformed into a Bugbear nearly the same size as the Cragadile and came right at Lobo's back with the sole intention of striking him with its giant sting. Luckily, Lobo noticed the attack at the last second and promptly dodged it while still holding the Cragadile. He then finished off the Cragadile by spinning it on his index finger and blowing its head up with his shotgun. A few seconds later, the Bugbear began closing in for a second attempt at stinging him and so, Lobo decided that it was time to perform his universally infamous super move. He grabbed his chain and slammed it into the monster, pulling it before summoning his bike with a whistle. Then, he proceeded to flip on it and run into the Bugbear with his bike, sending it flying into air and shooting it with his shotgun. After the animal then landed in front of one of the exhaust pipes, Lobo torched its face with the pipes and gave out a "You suck!". He then showed the Bugbear the middle finger before laughing and driving off to exterminate every single flying Changeling by either blowing them to pieces with his shotgun or incinerating them with the flames coming out of his bike's exhaust pipes.
Nevertheless, this combo streak was also broken when a wounded but also extremely furious Commander Pharynx emerged in the distance, turned into a thirty foot long Ursa Major, and hit the Space Hog with one his paws, which caused Lobo to be separated from his bike and fall to the ground face-first. As the raging beast came in for a bite, however, he quickly got and backhanded the bear in the nose, making the nose bleed and the animal itself to take a few steps baclwards. He then used this opportunity to call to the Space Hog with his whistle and as soon as it came to him, he hopped on it and flew away to avoid the Ursa Major's stomp. Right after that, he entered right into its left eye before coming out of its right eye. While the beast roared in very intense pain, Lobo landed on the surface and right after that, he ran towards the Ursa Major's rear end, lifted it up from its butt cheeks, and proceeded to brutally crushing what remained of the Changeling army with it. Needless to say, none of them stood a single chance as neither the flying nor the grounded ones managed to escape from this carnage.
When it was finally finished, Lobo threw the wounded beast towards a completely speechless Chrysalis who barely avoided sharing the same fate as her minions. Instead, the Ursa Major crashed into the castle and instantly became utterly demolished as a result, which caused Chrysalis to be even more devastated when she saw the total destruction of her beautiful new home. Soon enough, her shock turned into pure rage as she unleashed the mother of all magic blasts right at Lobo who just stood there smiling and only used his right hand to block the blast.
Indeed, the blast hit Lobo with all its might, but while it caused him some pain, he still continued to obstruct it with a single hand. This went on for about fifteen seconds before Chrysalis finally got tired enough to stop emitting the blast from her horn and collapsed to the ground from exhaustion. When she got back on her hooves a couple of seconds, however, she was met with a most delightful sight.
Lobo's entire right arm was gone and the hole where the arm was supposed to be was rapidly bleeding. Chrysalis proceeded to laugh maniacally upon seeing that, overjoyed that she was finally close to destroying that horrid abomination. Unfortunately, this did not last very long as Lobo's arm grew right back to its original state in just a handful of seconds and Chrysalis became extremely shocked once again.
"HOW?!", she exclaimed in an almost defeated tone.
Lobo then nonchalantly replied, "Oh, didn't ya know? My biology has pretty much blessed me with a healing factor sturdy enough to bring back my missing limbs in a jiffy! Yeah, I know it's pretty gross to look at, but you do get used to it in a few weeks or so. Besides, what you SHOULD be worried about ain't my arm's regrowth, but the blood spilled from the hole my old arm was attached to."
As if on que, the drops of Lobo's blood on the ground grew into a total of five Lobo clones and they quickly surrounded a terrified Chrysalis. Though she tried to charge up her horn again to defend herself, the original Lobo immediately grabbed and broke the horn, leaving her completely defenseless. Then, the clones lifted her up from her legs and tail, and prepared to pull them apart. At that moment, Lobo removed his cigar from his mouth and sprinkled some of its pieces to her face while saying, "They don't call me the Main Man for nothin'." The second that sentence was complete, the clones pulled her legs and tail apart, decimating her entire body.
Satisfied with a job well done, a smiling Lobo put the cigar back to his mouth and retrieved the head of the once-mighty Changeling queen. He then tied the head to the front of the Space Hog with his chain, hopped on to his bike, saluted his loyal clones who promptly saluted him back, exclaimed at them, "Changeling blood for dinner, boys, and it's on the house!", and swiftly rode off into deep space. He simply could not wait to collect his sweet and well-deserved bounty.
Meanwhile, Thorax, the only surviving changeling out of the entire hive, poked her head from the broken castle wall he had been hiding behind for the entirety of the battle and became absolutely terrified by the sight he had laid his eyes upon. Though he also nearly threw up from seeing all the torn bodies of his brothers, he eventually managed to compose himself and quietly slipped away from the scene by transforming into a fly.
Well, that was fun. Gotta say, I can't wait to frag another big baddie or goodie two shoes from Equestria. Got any idea who I should fight next time, scrawny?
Um, not at the moment, but I'm really happy that you enjoyed this story, Lobo. Before you head off, would you mind giving me an autograph? Y'know, to remember this occasion.
Sure thing. Here ya go.
AAARGH!!! I said... an autograph... not a... kick in the nuts!
Oh, come on. This is the best kind of signature. A permanent one! HA! HA! HA! HA!
You're... such an... asshole.
Welcome to the club, kid. We got jackets too. He! He! Anyways, adios!
