Charlie the Unicorn: Friendship is Insanityby KleptosharkChaptersWelcome to PonyvilleRainbow Dash's MisadventureRarity's Sewer ShenaniganWelcome to PonyvilleCharlie, a gray unicorn, had been travelling for days. He had lost count of exactly how long ago he had abandoned the meadow, attempting to flee the blue and pink unicorns who had been tormenting him since they had first met him. With a snort, he trudged onwards. Eventually his path took him to a hill, where he could see a small town in the distance, his brow shot up in surprise, then furrowed; it was probably another trick the other two unicorns were trying to play on him, although he couldn’t see why. They had already stolen just about everything of value from him by leading him around on their logic-defying misadventures, including his horn (thankfully, it grew back, but it still ached). He sighed, and started making his way toward the small town in the valley. As soon as he reached the edge of town, his path was blocked by a small pink horse, Charlie noted that thankfully, it was not one of the two unicorns that had been making his life a living hell for the last month or so; she was definitely too small to be a normal horse. He was, however, hesitant of the broad, gleaming smile she was giving him. He approached cautiously, and uttered a cautious greeting, still unsure of the small pink mare. “Hello?” “Hiya!” the pink mare’s smile was still fixed in place. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?” Charlie recoiled slightly, taken aback by this pony’s overly-friendly demeanour, but he continued anyways. “Charlie.” He spoke, identifying himself. “Hi Charlie,” the mare known as Pinkie Pie chimed, “you’re new to Ponyville, aren’t you?” Charlie considered the town behind her, he finally decided on an answer, “Sure.” Pinkie Pie was obviously awaiting this cue, bouncing up immediately. “Great! Follow me!” she chimed, bouncing into town. The gray unicorn gazed thoughtfully at the bouncing creature, then gave a sigh, following her into the town. ~~~~~ Soon after they entered town Pinkie led him towards a stall, being tended by an orange pony in a farmer's hat. She tipped her hat towards them, greeting them. "Howdy, Pinkie!" she called to them, "Who's this maverick y'got with you?" she asked, nodding towards the large-set gray unicorn. "Hi Applejack," Pinkie greeted her, "this is Charlie! We're going to Sugar Cube Corner, come on!" The orange pony, known as 'Applejack', pursed her lips in thought, before continuing. "Sorry Pinkie, I'm fixin' to sell out this truckload of apples by the end o' today." she said, motioning towards several baskets overflowing with copious amounts of apples, "You go on ahead, I'll catch up with y'all later." ~~~~~ Applejack was busy hawking her fresh apples with a smile, when she noticed a pair bubblegum-shaded blue and pink unicorns galloping towards her, she smiled at them, expecting to make a quick sale. “How can I help y’all?” she asked happily. “Aaapplejack!” the blue unicorn called, immaculately knowing her name. “We have to find Charlie!” called his pink counterpart. “We know you know where he went.” “You must show us the waaay.” “The waaay!” the apple stand was suddenly concealed in a cloud of smoke, and for a few moments all Applejack could see was the occasional flashing of blue and pink, while the words ‘the waaay’ echoed around her eerily. The smoke vanished in a flash, to be replaced by the blue and pink unicorns staring at her intently, a pair of vacant smiles adorning their features. At this point Applejack was cowering behind her stall, she lifted a shivering hoof, and pointed in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner. “El kell menni a kaland!” declared the pink unicorn, and they disappeared in a flash. ~~~~~ Charlie was actually enjoying his stay at Sugar Cube Corner, the pink pony had introduced him to four of her friends, two of which were also unicorns, but not like him. These other unicorns, introducing themselves as Rarity and Twilight Sparkle, were much smaller than him, bearing more similarity to the pink pony he had met earlier than himself. On the other hand not one of them had tried to drag him along on a painful, nonsensical escapade that ultimately resulted in loss of personal belongings. He leaned back, munching on a cinnamon bun that Pinkie Pie had offered him, he could definitely get used to this. “CHARLIE! WE HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS!” a blue unicorn shouted, barging through the front door of Pinkie’s confectionary store, a pink unicorn following closely behind. They both had blocks of marble cheese impaled on their horns. “Oh god, oh god, oh god!” Charlie dived behind a display case, hoping fruitlessly that the two unicorns had not, indeed, spotted him. Pinkie’s buoyant mane deflated, dropping like wet spaghetti. She fixed them both in a look that could have curdled milk. “YOU!” She screamed, pointing an accusatory hoof at the two unicorns. “Us!” called back the pink unicorn in a sing-song voice, “Pinkie Pieee, we missed you-” “Get. Out. Of. My. STORE.” She shrieked uncharacteristically, grabbing a cupcake off a display case and brandishing it at them menacingly. “Oh nooo!” the pink unicorn intoned, “We are no longer welcome!” at this, a large black void opened up behind the two unicorns, slowly sucking them in. “Charlie!” The blue unicorn called, “Before we go, we need to tell you, you are no longer bound to your destinyyyy-!” The unicorn’s words echoed around the store as they were sucked into the vortex, promptly closing after them. Pinkie was still staring at the place where the unicorns used to be. “Show-offs.” She muttered spitefully. Her hair suddenly inflated again, and she turned back to Charlie, addressing him as if the interruption had never occurred. “So,” she asked, “how’s my baking?” “It’s good,” Charlie said nonchalantly, taking another bite out the sticky pastry, and taking in the utterly horrified expressions of everyone in the building other than him and Pinkie, “pretty good.” Rainbow Dash's MisadventureRainbow Dash was reclining on a small patch of clouds she had accumulated, speculating about Ponyville’s newest guests. Those two bubble-gum coloured Unicorns didn’t seem all that bad, although Charlie was definitely on the verge of a mental breakdown when they confronted him. On the other hand they had said that he had ‘fulfilled his destiny’ or whatever, so that hopefully meant he had nothing more to fear from them. “Oh nooo!” “Get away! Get awaaay!” Dash’s eyes shot open. What was that? She turned her gaze ever so slowly, and there were the bubble-gum unicorns, the blue-shaded unicorn was wearing a diving mask, and flailing his limbs about aimlessly while seemingly defying the laws of reality, spinning around in circles as he hovered a few centimetres above the clouds. Mounted on his back was the rose-coloured unicorn, thrashing a lacrosse racket about without direction while calling out at unseen opponents. Suddenly the blue one noticed her. “Raaiinbow Daash!” he whinnied, “You have to play Water Lacrosse with us.” “The Jellyfishes demaaand it!” The pink one added. At this, a series of questions flooded through Rainbow Dash’s mind. What the hay is ‘water lacrosse’? What jellyfish? How did they get up here without wings? Why do they need me to join? Sadly, Rainbow Dash was too shocked to actually voice any of these, and had to be satisfied with allowing her jaw to hang slack as she gawked at the two physics-transcending unicorns. “What’re you waiting around for?” the blue unicorn asked her with incredulity, “We need to get going!” “She doesn’t have a mount yet!” The pink one whinnied in reply. At this the two Unicorns gave each other a knowing look. “Chaaarlie!” They both said in unison. In a bright flash of light and a cloud of technicoloured smoke, a very confused Charlie appeared near Rainbow Dash. “Agh- wha- what?! I thought you two said you’d leave me alone!” Charlie shouted indignantly, then he noticed an equally surprised rainbow-mane pegasus sitting near him. “Oh,” he said, racking his memory for what her name was, what was it… Rainbows… Rainbow Flash? No… Dash! It’s Dash! “Hi, Dash.” he muttered cautiously. “H-hey?” Rainbow Dash responded, still in shock, as she slowly waved a hoof at him. “There’s no more tiiime!” called the pink unicorn, addressing Rainbow Dash, “Quickly, get onto Charlie before the jellyfishes catch up!” “Too laaate!” cried the blue unicorn. At this, several floating Portuguese Man O’ War Jellyfish broke through the cloudline, all of which were wielding lacrosse rackets in their tendrils. Rainbow Dash looked back at Charlie. “Quiet day, huh?” she asked. “I wasn’t betting on it.” Charlie replied, completely unfazed. The bubble-gum coloured unicorns ‘swam’ by, the pink one scooped Rainbow Dash up in his lacrosse racket, depositing her onto Charlie’s back. “Follow me, Charlie!” the blue unicorn whinnied, paddling off through the clouds. Charlie glanced at the two retreating unicorns, and then back at the jellyfishes, which were drawing closer, waving their lacrosse rackets at him menacingly. With a sigh, he ran off after the neon-coloured unicorns. After a solid minute of galloping, he finally drew level with them. “So can somebody explain what the hell is going on?!” He called to them exasperatedly. “Rainbow Dash is playing Water Lacrosse with us!” the pink unicorn informed him, “We need to find the Codpiece of Destiny!” as always, their vacant smiles remained unflinching. “The what now?!” Rainbow Dash prayed to Celestia that she had not, actually heard them just say that they were about to find a- “Geronimooo!” The pink unicorn called, suddenly plummeting below the clouds. Charlie felt his own footing suddenly giving away, he was only able to yell a surprised “Oh SHI-!” before tumbling through the clouds, plummeting to the earth below. Rainbow Dash instinctively spread her wings; she was able to sustain Charlie a short distance before her grip eventually gave out under his horse-sized body, leaving him to plummet like a stone. He ended up passing the two deranged unicorns as he fell. “Chaaarlie!” One of them called to him. “WHAT?!” The gray unicorn was not in the best of moods, considering his current dilemma. “Prepare for impact!” the blue unicorn called. “OH WELL YOU DON’T SAY-?” Charlie yelled back angrily, before slamming into the ground, crumpling into a pile of broken bones and raw pain. The blue and pink unicorns, who had somehow managed to survive their landing completely unscathed, approached. “Oh no, Charlie got a boo-boo!” the blue one declared in a sing-song voice. In another flash of light, all of Charlie’s bones sealed themselves back together. Although that didn’t help the agony he still felt searing through his body. “…ow.” He mumbled, as Rainbow Dash flew down with a panicked expression. “Holy cow, are you okay?” She asked in a panicked voice, helping him stand up. “Yeah,” he wheezed, “just fine, real great job on the whole stopping-me-from-falling-to-my-death, champ.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, at least his bitter sarcasm hadn’t left him. “Come ooon,” the pink unicorn beckoned, “we have to go through the jungle to find the Lost Temple of Destiny!” “Destineeeiiigh!” the blue unicorn chorused, performing an impossibly slow backflip while flailing his legs about for good measure. Rainbow Dash stared after the two neon unicorns as they turned towards the tree line, still trying to make sense of recent events. She gave Charlie a sideways glance. “Hey,” the grey unicorn told her, “nobody’s forcing you to do this.” He paused, thinking for a moment, “You could try and run, but I don’t think it’ll help.” He added, dejectedly following the bubble-gum coloured unicorns into the dense brush. Rainbow Dash mulled over his words for a moment, before catching up to Charlie, falling into step beside him. She would later realise that it would’ve been a better idea to try running. After a few minutes of what felt like being led around in circles by the Pink and Blue unicorns, the motley group came to a stop. “What the hay is that?” Rainbow asked. Blocking their path was a disturbing mixture between a lion, a goat, and a snake. “It’s a Chimera, Rainbow Dash, a maaagical Chimera!” the blue unicorn’s vacant smile remained on his face, completely unflinching as the creature opened its mouth to reveal a maw of giant teeth, communicating something to the group in a series of growls and other noises. “Φυσικά, εμείς δεν πρόκειται να βουνό καραμέλα, ανόητο!” The blue unicorn exclaimed in perfectly pronounced, but terribly phrased Greek. “Πρέπει να βρούμε το χαμένο ναό του πεπρωμένου! Χόβερκραφτ μου είναι γεμάτο χέλια!” “Nyeeigh!” the pink unicorn concurred, suddenly bulging as the fabric of reality desperately tried to repair itself around him. He snapped back to his original form abruptly. The Chimera regarded them carefully, before letting out a series of goat bleats, growls, and hisses, before becoming silent again. “The Chimera has spoken,” the pink unicorn whinnied, “he has shown us the way to the lost temple!” “Oh, good: I was beginning to worry you two had just gone completely friggin’ insane.” Charlie muttered sarcastically, trudging after the two neon-coloured unicorns as they cantered past the Chimera. Dash followed the gray unicorn, a traumatized expression fixed on her face. "I’ve got to be dreaming…” the cyan pegasus mumbled to herself, “I’m going to wake up and find myself back in Cloudsdale, I’m just dreaming…" “Oh hey, we’re here.” Charlie deadpanned. In front of them was a small Mayan Shrine, with a sizeable stone door blocking entrance into it. Situated above the door was a large, jovial-looking Mayan statue. Upon entering close proximity, the Mayan statue’s eyes opened, and stared intently at Rainbow Dash. The blue and pink unicorns said nothing, staring onward with the same mildly happy expression on their face. "Umm... what's going on?" Rainbow Dash asked, a worried tone in her voice. "Τραγουδήστε για εμάς, ισχυρό θεός των Μάγιας, μοιραστείτε τη σοφία σας μαζί μας!" exclaimed the pink unicorn. The statue kicked into action, singing to Rainbow Dash about the virtues of compassion and mutual understanding before combusting into a fireball. The entranceway to the shrine opened, revealing a dark passageway. "You have to go into the shriiine!" chimed the blue unicorn, "for destinyyy!" Charlie became very panicked at this, "No, Dash, whatever you do, don't-!" He vanished in a cloud of exotic smoke. "Oh nooo!" consoled the pink unicorn, "Charlie teleported back to Ponyville, now we'll never know what he was going to say!" "You have to go into the temple of destiny!" the blue unicorn encouraged her, his vacant smile ever-enduring. Both of the unicorns began chanting Rainbow Dash's name, trying to encourage her. "Dashie! Dashie! Dashie!" The cyan pegasus gulped nervously, and stepped beyond the threshold of the doorway, into the temple. The stone door suddenly shut behind her with unnatural speed, plunging Rainbow Dash into total darkness. "Guys?" Rainbow Dash called nervously. She felt something heavy hit her on the head, knocking her unconcious. ~~~~~ "Uuurrrgh..." Rainbow Dash awoke with a throbbing headache, she looked around to find that she was still sitting on the cloud she had been reclining on before she had embarked on her demented quest. Maybe it was all just a dream... She sat up, and immediately noticed that her neck felt much lighter. They had shaved her mane. Rarity's Sewer Shenanigan“You really must sit still, dear.” Rarity was insisting on giving Charlie a makeover, she was currently still taking his measurements, and he was acting very skittish, insisting that he was ‘fine just the way I am’. Rarity, of course, would have none of this, insisting that he do something with the boring grey monotone of his coat. Rainbow Dash burst into the parlour, panting. The first thing Rarity noticed was the teal-pegasus’ mane, or lack thereof. “Dash!” exclaimed Rarity, a look of genuine horror on her face, “What happened to you?!” “It… it was those two!” Rainbow Dash panted, still out of breath. Charlie gave a low whistle, admiring the handiwork of his tormentors, the blue and pink unicorns were nothing if not creative, but this was inspired- even for them. “Which two?” Rarity asked, slightly perplexed, she then thought better of her question, and offered her friend a seat before asking her to continue. “It was those two unicorns that barged into Sugar Cube Corner yesterday,” Rainbow Dash sputtered. “Ah, yes, a shameful abuse of illusory magic if you ask me,” Rarity huffed, “but what have they got to do with this?” Rainbow Dash went on to explain the events that led up to her losing her mane. As her story became more unbelievable, Rarity’s expression turned from disbelief to a worried smile. Finally Rarity rose from her seat, walking towards Rainbow Dash and addressing her in a soothing tone. “What you need is good rest,” Rarity said in a motherly tone, humouring her anxious friend, “you’ve been overworked, I’m certain a few hours alone will let you organise your thoughts.” Rarity continued to slowly, but insistently usher the cyan Pegasus towards the door, finally shutting it after her. She turned back to Charlie with an apologetic smile on her face. “I’m afraid you’ll have to excuse Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “I can’t imagine the un-Celestial hours they keep at the weather station, she’s probably been under a lot of stress lately.” “Well, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t.” Charlie mused in a guarded tone. The afternoon went along pleasantly enough without a further hitch, and eventually Charlie politely bid farewell and exited the boutique. Rarity noted the late hour, and went into her washroom for her pre-bed makeup adjustments. ~~~~~ The white unicorn entered her spacious washroom, and jumped onto the spinning floor-mounted stool that was situated in front of her makeup cabinet. She examined herself in the mirror for a few moments before throwing open her makeup cabinet, a grin on her face. Inside of her six-shelf cabinet waited a huge arsenal of perfumes, powders, moisturizers, lotions, lipsticks, and everything necessary to anypony wanting to maintain a perfect appearance. She selected a few items off of various shelves, before closing the cabinet again to examine her appearance. *Splash* *Thump* “Raaarity!” What in Celestia’s name was that? Rarity swivelled around in her chair at high speed, determined to confront whatever had invaded her privacy. Poking out of her toilet was the pink unicorn she had seen at Sugar Cube Corner, giving her a smile while staring at her intently. There was an awkward silence that dragged on for some time. Rarity riveted to her swivel chair in a mixture of shock, disbelief, and fear while she stared at the latrine-infiltrator with wide eyes and shrunken pupils. The pink unicorn kept on smiling at her blankly. “Hello?” Rarity finally ventured. “Rarity!” the pink unicorn exclaimed, “You have to come with us! The Crocodile Caliph has been usurped by The Weasel!” a blue unicorn poked up alongside the pink unicorn. “Yaaay, regicide!” he chimed. “What are you talking about?” Rarity pleaded, still trying to understand how they had managed to invade her bathroom through the toilet. “There’s no time to explain!” urged the blue unicorn, “get into the magical gateway!” the pink unicorn dived down into the toilet bowl, the blue unicorn beckoned for her to join him in the porcelain latrine. “If you think, for one minute,” Rarity declared, sternly, “that I am going to jump in there-” “Bleeaaaugh!” the pink unicorn suddenly burst out of the makeup cabinet behind her, the sudden burst of noise sent her shooting forward in surprise, straight into the open toilet bowl. ~~~~~ As Rarity slowly regained consciousness, her nose was immediately assaulted by an absolutely putrid stench. She opened her eyes to check her surroundings, and saw only darkness. She slowly got up from what felt like a smooth cold stone floor. “H-hello?” She called out, timidly. The only answer was the echo of her voice. Well enough of this gloominess. Rarity thought, and focused her energy into her horn, conjuring up a small glow to shed some light on her situation. She was startled to find the two blue and pink unicorns standing inches away from her. “Raritee!” “AAAAUGH!” Rarity responded coherently. “Neiyeegh!” The blue unicorn sang in response, rearing slightly. Rarity blinked at them, a frightened look crossing her features. “Alright then,” she said, shakily, “you wouldn’t happen to know where we are then, would you?” “We’re in the sewer, Rarity!” the pink unicorn responded happily. “I was worried you’d say that.” Rarity took a moment to register her surroundings. They were, indeed, in a large stone-brick tunnel, with two walkways on either side. Through the middle of the tunnel network ‘flowed’ a disgusting river of brown-green sludge, floating in it was the refuse of equinity, pieces of garbage and organic waste bobbing along in the muck. Rarity suppressed her gag reflex, and turned back to the two unicorns, who were currently sauntering away from her, off into the darkness. “Wait up!” Rarity called, cantering after them. ~~~~~ “Why have we stopped? What’s going on?” Rarity was baffled at how the Unicorns seemed to suddenly halt at the end of a wooden section of walkway, after they had been leading her around for what felt like an eternity, marching through the darkness whilst constantly being assaulted by that terrible stench. Rarity was still attempting to fathom why in Equestria Ponyville’s sewage system seemed to be more intricate than the actual town itself. “To reach the Crocodile Caliphate,” the pink unicorn informed her, “we need to go under the river!” The blue unicorn gave a chortle at Rarity’s stunned expression, “We have a submarine!” “An arcane submersible that will take us to our destination!” added the pink unicorn Rarity wrinkled her nose at this. She couldn’t see the bottom of the sludge, due to its opaque nature, but surely it couldn’t be more than a few feet deep- *SPLOOOOOOSH!* Rarity's thoughts were interrupted by a giant iron behemoth emerging from the murky depths, breaching the waters like a great whale from the surface of an ocean. The massive black steel submarine gleamed with an eldritch sheen. Emblazoned on the side of the U-boat was a massive hammer-and-banana in scarlet red. Rarity’s jaw fell open, and her pupils shrank in her eyes as she gazed upon the gargantuan underwater traverser. A metal screeching noise could be heard, and a hatch opened up near the top of the massive vessel. Out of the hatch poked a woolly alpaca wearing a garish ushanka and an eye patch. He waved down to them with a foreleg. “Шelcome aъoard, comяades!” the alpaca shouted in a ridiculously exaggerated Stalliongrad accent. “Yaaay, Marexism!” the blue unicorn cheered, floating through the air upside-down in a grand rejection of logic to land next to the alpaca on top of the submarine. “Come on, you silly slowpokes, get in!” A hole opened up in the side of the submarine, and a large steel-grate gangplank extended forth from it, coming to a rest atop the wooden catwalk. “Yaay!” the pink unicorn cheered as he galloped into the darkness of the vessel. Rarity finally shook herself out of her stupor, and, against her better judgement, followed the unicorns into the submarine. As soon as she stepped inside, large, dull white lights turned on, illuminating the inner-workings of the submarine. Several other alpacas wearing pillbox caps attended glowing control panels. The pink and blue unicorns were busily making irritating “bing-bong” noises with their mouths, similar to a sonar scanner. The alpaca captain was busily eating an apple- or rather, attempting to chew on an apple, without success. The alpaca merely rolled the whole fruit around in his mouth, failing to masticate it properly. He approached Rarity. “Ursh-ubll-urphmphmphrrm” he said, the apple severely hindering his speech abilities. Rarity was taken aback by the captain’s utter lack of etiquette. She tried to correct his error. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over that apple…” she hinted, attempting to correct his manners in the most polite way possible. The captain nodded. He turned his head and spat the apple onto the floor, the red fruit rolled away, leaving a thin trail of spittle behind it before coming to rest in a corner. Rarity’s face turned a shade of green. The alpaca gave a satisfied huff, before addressing her again. “Befoяe шe disembaяk, you’ll иeed to ъecome paяt of the cяew.” He informed her, retrieving an utterly disgusting, unfashionable pilotka cap from his woolly coat. “You’ll иeed to шear this.” Rarity’s response was immediate, “Do I have to?” she looked over to the pink and blue unicorns, hoping for guidance. “Think of the children, Rarity!” the blue unicorn consoled her. “The chiiildren!” the pink unicorn confirmed, suddenly, the submarine’s control room was filled with the echoing sounds of crying infants. Rarity panicked. Picking up the cap with her magic, she quickly secured the offensive headpiece on her head. The crying noises were immediately replaced with the sound of a party blowout, and a small amount of confetti floated down from the air. “В советское жеребцаград, шляпа носит вас!” the pink unicorn approved. The captain merely gave a satisfied nod, and promptly left the control room, shutting the door behind him. Rarity sulked, falling into a state of self-pity. Here she was, the most fashionable pony in Ponyville, wearing a horrible, tasteless hat, travelling through sewage. She caught sight of the spit-covered apple from earlier, and gave a shudder. Unexpectedly, a pair of eyes opened on the apple, and gazed back at her. The apple rolled towards the white unicorn, much to Rarity’s horror. Once coming within a metre of her, a mouth opened on the apple, and began singing about how despite what someone looks like, it’s what’s on the inside that matters. The sailors all abandoned their posts to join in on the chorus. Despite everything, Rarity’s frown began to melt away, and the ghost of a smile appeared on her face. It was indeed, a very catchy tune. Then the apple exploded, and Rarity fainted. ~~~~~ Rarity began to regain consciousness in her own bathroom. She immediately looked around her, and gave a nervous chuckle. Perhaps she had just experienced a mental breakdown? Yes. That was the only logical answer, she had just experienced a hallucination of some sort, and she had not actually jumped into her toilet bowl to go on an adventure with a pair of psychotic unicorns. Rarity decided that she would see a psychiatrist in the morning to get whatever it was cleared up. For now, however, she would relax over a soothing makeov- Rarity’s entire makeup cabinet, including all of its contents, were mysteriously gone.
Welcome to PonyvilleCharlie, a gray unicorn, had been travelling for days. He had lost count of exactly how long ago he had abandoned the meadow, attempting to flee the blue and pink unicorns who had been tormenting him since they had first met him. With a snort, he trudged onwards. Eventually his path took him to a hill, where he could see a small town in the distance, his brow shot up in surprise, then furrowed; it was probably another trick the other two unicorns were trying to play on him, although he couldn’t see why. They had already stolen just about everything of value from him by leading him around on their logic-defying misadventures, including his horn (thankfully, it grew back, but it still ached). He sighed, and started making his way toward the small town in the valley. As soon as he reached the edge of town, his path was blocked by a small pink horse, Charlie noted that thankfully, it was not one of the two unicorns that had been making his life a living hell for the last month or so; she was definitely too small to be a normal horse. He was, however, hesitant of the broad, gleaming smile she was giving him. He approached cautiously, and uttered a cautious greeting, still unsure of the small pink mare. “Hello?” “Hiya!” the pink mare’s smile was still fixed in place. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?” Charlie recoiled slightly, taken aback by this pony’s overly-friendly demeanour, but he continued anyways. “Charlie.” He spoke, identifying himself. “Hi Charlie,” the mare known as Pinkie Pie chimed, “you’re new to Ponyville, aren’t you?” Charlie considered the town behind her, he finally decided on an answer, “Sure.” Pinkie Pie was obviously awaiting this cue, bouncing up immediately. “Great! Follow me!” she chimed, bouncing into town. The gray unicorn gazed thoughtfully at the bouncing creature, then gave a sigh, following her into the town. ~~~~~ Soon after they entered town Pinkie led him towards a stall, being tended by an orange pony in a farmer's hat. She tipped her hat towards them, greeting them. "Howdy, Pinkie!" she called to them, "Who's this maverick y'got with you?" she asked, nodding towards the large-set gray unicorn. "Hi Applejack," Pinkie greeted her, "this is Charlie! We're going to Sugar Cube Corner, come on!" The orange pony, known as 'Applejack', pursed her lips in thought, before continuing. "Sorry Pinkie, I'm fixin' to sell out this truckload of apples by the end o' today." she said, motioning towards several baskets overflowing with copious amounts of apples, "You go on ahead, I'll catch up with y'all later." ~~~~~ Applejack was busy hawking her fresh apples with a smile, when she noticed a pair bubblegum-shaded blue and pink unicorns galloping towards her, she smiled at them, expecting to make a quick sale. “How can I help y’all?” she asked happily. “Aaapplejack!” the blue unicorn called, immaculately knowing her name. “We have to find Charlie!” called his pink counterpart. “We know you know where he went.” “You must show us the waaay.” “The waaay!” the apple stand was suddenly concealed in a cloud of smoke, and for a few moments all Applejack could see was the occasional flashing of blue and pink, while the words ‘the waaay’ echoed around her eerily. The smoke vanished in a flash, to be replaced by the blue and pink unicorns staring at her intently, a pair of vacant smiles adorning their features. At this point Applejack was cowering behind her stall, she lifted a shivering hoof, and pointed in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner. “El kell menni a kaland!” declared the pink unicorn, and they disappeared in a flash. ~~~~~ Charlie was actually enjoying his stay at Sugar Cube Corner, the pink pony had introduced him to four of her friends, two of which were also unicorns, but not like him. These other unicorns, introducing themselves as Rarity and Twilight Sparkle, were much smaller than him, bearing more similarity to the pink pony he had met earlier than himself. On the other hand not one of them had tried to drag him along on a painful, nonsensical escapade that ultimately resulted in loss of personal belongings. He leaned back, munching on a cinnamon bun that Pinkie Pie had offered him, he could definitely get used to this. “CHARLIE! WE HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS!” a blue unicorn shouted, barging through the front door of Pinkie’s confectionary store, a pink unicorn following closely behind. They both had blocks of marble cheese impaled on their horns. “Oh god, oh god, oh god!” Charlie dived behind a display case, hoping fruitlessly that the two unicorns had not, indeed, spotted him. Pinkie’s buoyant mane deflated, dropping like wet spaghetti. She fixed them both in a look that could have curdled milk. “YOU!” She screamed, pointing an accusatory hoof at the two unicorns. “Us!” called back the pink unicorn in a sing-song voice, “Pinkie Pieee, we missed you-” “Get. Out. Of. My. STORE.” She shrieked uncharacteristically, grabbing a cupcake off a display case and brandishing it at them menacingly. “Oh nooo!” the pink unicorn intoned, “We are no longer welcome!” at this, a large black void opened up behind the two unicorns, slowly sucking them in. “Charlie!” The blue unicorn called, “Before we go, we need to tell you, you are no longer bound to your destinyyyy-!” The unicorn’s words echoed around the store as they were sucked into the vortex, promptly closing after them. Pinkie was still staring at the place where the unicorns used to be. “Show-offs.” She muttered spitefully. Her hair suddenly inflated again, and she turned back to Charlie, addressing him as if the interruption had never occurred. “So,” she asked, “how’s my baking?” “It’s good,” Charlie said nonchalantly, taking another bite out the sticky pastry, and taking in the utterly horrified expressions of everyone in the building other than him and Pinkie, “pretty good.”
Rainbow Dash's MisadventureRainbow Dash was reclining on a small patch of clouds she had accumulated, speculating about Ponyville’s newest guests. Those two bubble-gum coloured Unicorns didn’t seem all that bad, although Charlie was definitely on the verge of a mental breakdown when they confronted him. On the other hand they had said that he had ‘fulfilled his destiny’ or whatever, so that hopefully meant he had nothing more to fear from them. “Oh nooo!” “Get away! Get awaaay!” Dash’s eyes shot open. What was that? She turned her gaze ever so slowly, and there were the bubble-gum unicorns, the blue-shaded unicorn was wearing a diving mask, and flailing his limbs about aimlessly while seemingly defying the laws of reality, spinning around in circles as he hovered a few centimetres above the clouds. Mounted on his back was the rose-coloured unicorn, thrashing a lacrosse racket about without direction while calling out at unseen opponents. Suddenly the blue one noticed her. “Raaiinbow Daash!” he whinnied, “You have to play Water Lacrosse with us.” “The Jellyfishes demaaand it!” The pink one added. At this, a series of questions flooded through Rainbow Dash’s mind. What the hay is ‘water lacrosse’? What jellyfish? How did they get up here without wings? Why do they need me to join? Sadly, Rainbow Dash was too shocked to actually voice any of these, and had to be satisfied with allowing her jaw to hang slack as she gawked at the two physics-transcending unicorns. “What’re you waiting around for?” the blue unicorn asked her with incredulity, “We need to get going!” “She doesn’t have a mount yet!” The pink one whinnied in reply. At this the two Unicorns gave each other a knowing look. “Chaaarlie!” They both said in unison. In a bright flash of light and a cloud of technicoloured smoke, a very confused Charlie appeared near Rainbow Dash. “Agh- wha- what?! I thought you two said you’d leave me alone!” Charlie shouted indignantly, then he noticed an equally surprised rainbow-mane pegasus sitting near him. “Oh,” he said, racking his memory for what her name was, what was it… Rainbows… Rainbow Flash? No… Dash! It’s Dash! “Hi, Dash.” he muttered cautiously. “H-hey?” Rainbow Dash responded, still in shock, as she slowly waved a hoof at him. “There’s no more tiiime!” called the pink unicorn, addressing Rainbow Dash, “Quickly, get onto Charlie before the jellyfishes catch up!” “Too laaate!” cried the blue unicorn. At this, several floating Portuguese Man O’ War Jellyfish broke through the cloudline, all of which were wielding lacrosse rackets in their tendrils. Rainbow Dash looked back at Charlie. “Quiet day, huh?” she asked. “I wasn’t betting on it.” Charlie replied, completely unfazed. The bubble-gum coloured unicorns ‘swam’ by, the pink one scooped Rainbow Dash up in his lacrosse racket, depositing her onto Charlie’s back. “Follow me, Charlie!” the blue unicorn whinnied, paddling off through the clouds. Charlie glanced at the two retreating unicorns, and then back at the jellyfishes, which were drawing closer, waving their lacrosse rackets at him menacingly. With a sigh, he ran off after the neon-coloured unicorns. After a solid minute of galloping, he finally drew level with them. “So can somebody explain what the hell is going on?!” He called to them exasperatedly. “Rainbow Dash is playing Water Lacrosse with us!” the pink unicorn informed him, “We need to find the Codpiece of Destiny!” as always, their vacant smiles remained unflinching. “The what now?!” Rainbow Dash prayed to Celestia that she had not, actually heard them just say that they were about to find a- “Geronimooo!” The pink unicorn called, suddenly plummeting below the clouds. Charlie felt his own footing suddenly giving away, he was only able to yell a surprised “Oh SHI-!” before tumbling through the clouds, plummeting to the earth below. Rainbow Dash instinctively spread her wings; she was able to sustain Charlie a short distance before her grip eventually gave out under his horse-sized body, leaving him to plummet like a stone. He ended up passing the two deranged unicorns as he fell. “Chaaarlie!” One of them called to him. “WHAT?!” The gray unicorn was not in the best of moods, considering his current dilemma. “Prepare for impact!” the blue unicorn called. “OH WELL YOU DON’T SAY-?” Charlie yelled back angrily, before slamming into the ground, crumpling into a pile of broken bones and raw pain. The blue and pink unicorns, who had somehow managed to survive their landing completely unscathed, approached. “Oh no, Charlie got a boo-boo!” the blue one declared in a sing-song voice. In another flash of light, all of Charlie’s bones sealed themselves back together. Although that didn’t help the agony he still felt searing through his body. “…ow.” He mumbled, as Rainbow Dash flew down with a panicked expression. “Holy cow, are you okay?” She asked in a panicked voice, helping him stand up. “Yeah,” he wheezed, “just fine, real great job on the whole stopping-me-from-falling-to-my-death, champ.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, at least his bitter sarcasm hadn’t left him. “Come ooon,” the pink unicorn beckoned, “we have to go through the jungle to find the Lost Temple of Destiny!” “Destineeeiiigh!” the blue unicorn chorused, performing an impossibly slow backflip while flailing his legs about for good measure. Rainbow Dash stared after the two neon unicorns as they turned towards the tree line, still trying to make sense of recent events. She gave Charlie a sideways glance. “Hey,” the grey unicorn told her, “nobody’s forcing you to do this.” He paused, thinking for a moment, “You could try and run, but I don’t think it’ll help.” He added, dejectedly following the bubble-gum coloured unicorns into the dense brush. Rainbow Dash mulled over his words for a moment, before catching up to Charlie, falling into step beside him. She would later realise that it would’ve been a better idea to try running. After a few minutes of what felt like being led around in circles by the Pink and Blue unicorns, the motley group came to a stop. “What the hay is that?” Rainbow asked. Blocking their path was a disturbing mixture between a lion, a goat, and a snake. “It’s a Chimera, Rainbow Dash, a maaagical Chimera!” the blue unicorn’s vacant smile remained on his face, completely unflinching as the creature opened its mouth to reveal a maw of giant teeth, communicating something to the group in a series of growls and other noises. “Φυσικά, εμείς δεν πρόκειται να βουνό καραμέλα, ανόητο!” The blue unicorn exclaimed in perfectly pronounced, but terribly phrased Greek. “Πρέπει να βρούμε το χαμένο ναό του πεπρωμένου! Χόβερκραφτ μου είναι γεμάτο χέλια!” “Nyeeigh!” the pink unicorn concurred, suddenly bulging as the fabric of reality desperately tried to repair itself around him. He snapped back to his original form abruptly. The Chimera regarded them carefully, before letting out a series of goat bleats, growls, and hisses, before becoming silent again. “The Chimera has spoken,” the pink unicorn whinnied, “he has shown us the way to the lost temple!” “Oh, good: I was beginning to worry you two had just gone completely friggin’ insane.” Charlie muttered sarcastically, trudging after the two neon-coloured unicorns as they cantered past the Chimera. Dash followed the gray unicorn, a traumatized expression fixed on her face. "I’ve got to be dreaming…” the cyan pegasus mumbled to herself, “I’m going to wake up and find myself back in Cloudsdale, I’m just dreaming…" “Oh hey, we’re here.” Charlie deadpanned. In front of them was a small Mayan Shrine, with a sizeable stone door blocking entrance into it. Situated above the door was a large, jovial-looking Mayan statue. Upon entering close proximity, the Mayan statue’s eyes opened, and stared intently at Rainbow Dash. The blue and pink unicorns said nothing, staring onward with the same mildly happy expression on their face. "Umm... what's going on?" Rainbow Dash asked, a worried tone in her voice. "Τραγουδήστε για εμάς, ισχυρό θεός των Μάγιας, μοιραστείτε τη σοφία σας μαζί μας!" exclaimed the pink unicorn. The statue kicked into action, singing to Rainbow Dash about the virtues of compassion and mutual understanding before combusting into a fireball. The entranceway to the shrine opened, revealing a dark passageway. "You have to go into the shriiine!" chimed the blue unicorn, "for destinyyy!" Charlie became very panicked at this, "No, Dash, whatever you do, don't-!" He vanished in a cloud of exotic smoke. "Oh nooo!" consoled the pink unicorn, "Charlie teleported back to Ponyville, now we'll never know what he was going to say!" "You have to go into the temple of destiny!" the blue unicorn encouraged her, his vacant smile ever-enduring. Both of the unicorns began chanting Rainbow Dash's name, trying to encourage her. "Dashie! Dashie! Dashie!" The cyan pegasus gulped nervously, and stepped beyond the threshold of the doorway, into the temple. The stone door suddenly shut behind her with unnatural speed, plunging Rainbow Dash into total darkness. "Guys?" Rainbow Dash called nervously. She felt something heavy hit her on the head, knocking her unconcious. ~~~~~ "Uuurrrgh..." Rainbow Dash awoke with a throbbing headache, she looked around to find that she was still sitting on the cloud she had been reclining on before she had embarked on her demented quest. Maybe it was all just a dream... She sat up, and immediately noticed that her neck felt much lighter. They had shaved her mane.
Rarity's Sewer Shenanigan“You really must sit still, dear.” Rarity was insisting on giving Charlie a makeover, she was currently still taking his measurements, and he was acting very skittish, insisting that he was ‘fine just the way I am’. Rarity, of course, would have none of this, insisting that he do something with the boring grey monotone of his coat. Rainbow Dash burst into the parlour, panting. The first thing Rarity noticed was the teal-pegasus’ mane, or lack thereof. “Dash!” exclaimed Rarity, a look of genuine horror on her face, “What happened to you?!” “It… it was those two!” Rainbow Dash panted, still out of breath. Charlie gave a low whistle, admiring the handiwork of his tormentors, the blue and pink unicorns were nothing if not creative, but this was inspired- even for them. “Which two?” Rarity asked, slightly perplexed, she then thought better of her question, and offered her friend a seat before asking her to continue. “It was those two unicorns that barged into Sugar Cube Corner yesterday,” Rainbow Dash sputtered. “Ah, yes, a shameful abuse of illusory magic if you ask me,” Rarity huffed, “but what have they got to do with this?” Rainbow Dash went on to explain the events that led up to her losing her mane. As her story became more unbelievable, Rarity’s expression turned from disbelief to a worried smile. Finally Rarity rose from her seat, walking towards Rainbow Dash and addressing her in a soothing tone. “What you need is good rest,” Rarity said in a motherly tone, humouring her anxious friend, “you’ve been overworked, I’m certain a few hours alone will let you organise your thoughts.” Rarity continued to slowly, but insistently usher the cyan Pegasus towards the door, finally shutting it after her. She turned back to Charlie with an apologetic smile on her face. “I’m afraid you’ll have to excuse Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “I can’t imagine the un-Celestial hours they keep at the weather station, she’s probably been under a lot of stress lately.” “Well, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t.” Charlie mused in a guarded tone. The afternoon went along pleasantly enough without a further hitch, and eventually Charlie politely bid farewell and exited the boutique. Rarity noted the late hour, and went into her washroom for her pre-bed makeup adjustments. ~~~~~ The white unicorn entered her spacious washroom, and jumped onto the spinning floor-mounted stool that was situated in front of her makeup cabinet. She examined herself in the mirror for a few moments before throwing open her makeup cabinet, a grin on her face. Inside of her six-shelf cabinet waited a huge arsenal of perfumes, powders, moisturizers, lotions, lipsticks, and everything necessary to anypony wanting to maintain a perfect appearance. She selected a few items off of various shelves, before closing the cabinet again to examine her appearance. *Splash* *Thump* “Raaarity!” What in Celestia’s name was that? Rarity swivelled around in her chair at high speed, determined to confront whatever had invaded her privacy. Poking out of her toilet was the pink unicorn she had seen at Sugar Cube Corner, giving her a smile while staring at her intently. There was an awkward silence that dragged on for some time. Rarity riveted to her swivel chair in a mixture of shock, disbelief, and fear while she stared at the latrine-infiltrator with wide eyes and shrunken pupils. The pink unicorn kept on smiling at her blankly. “Hello?” Rarity finally ventured. “Rarity!” the pink unicorn exclaimed, “You have to come with us! The Crocodile Caliph has been usurped by The Weasel!” a blue unicorn poked up alongside the pink unicorn. “Yaaay, regicide!” he chimed. “What are you talking about?” Rarity pleaded, still trying to understand how they had managed to invade her bathroom through the toilet. “There’s no time to explain!” urged the blue unicorn, “get into the magical gateway!” the pink unicorn dived down into the toilet bowl, the blue unicorn beckoned for her to join him in the porcelain latrine. “If you think, for one minute,” Rarity declared, sternly, “that I am going to jump in there-” “Bleeaaaugh!” the pink unicorn suddenly burst out of the makeup cabinet behind her, the sudden burst of noise sent her shooting forward in surprise, straight into the open toilet bowl. ~~~~~ As Rarity slowly regained consciousness, her nose was immediately assaulted by an absolutely putrid stench. She opened her eyes to check her surroundings, and saw only darkness. She slowly got up from what felt like a smooth cold stone floor. “H-hello?” She called out, timidly. The only answer was the echo of her voice. Well enough of this gloominess. Rarity thought, and focused her energy into her horn, conjuring up a small glow to shed some light on her situation. She was startled to find the two blue and pink unicorns standing inches away from her. “Raritee!” “AAAAUGH!” Rarity responded coherently. “Neiyeegh!” The blue unicorn sang in response, rearing slightly. Rarity blinked at them, a frightened look crossing her features. “Alright then,” she said, shakily, “you wouldn’t happen to know where we are then, would you?” “We’re in the sewer, Rarity!” the pink unicorn responded happily. “I was worried you’d say that.” Rarity took a moment to register her surroundings. They were, indeed, in a large stone-brick tunnel, with two walkways on either side. Through the middle of the tunnel network ‘flowed’ a disgusting river of brown-green sludge, floating in it was the refuse of equinity, pieces of garbage and organic waste bobbing along in the muck. Rarity suppressed her gag reflex, and turned back to the two unicorns, who were currently sauntering away from her, off into the darkness. “Wait up!” Rarity called, cantering after them. ~~~~~ “Why have we stopped? What’s going on?” Rarity was baffled at how the Unicorns seemed to suddenly halt at the end of a wooden section of walkway, after they had been leading her around for what felt like an eternity, marching through the darkness whilst constantly being assaulted by that terrible stench. Rarity was still attempting to fathom why in Equestria Ponyville’s sewage system seemed to be more intricate than the actual town itself. “To reach the Crocodile Caliphate,” the pink unicorn informed her, “we need to go under the river!” The blue unicorn gave a chortle at Rarity’s stunned expression, “We have a submarine!” “An arcane submersible that will take us to our destination!” added the pink unicorn Rarity wrinkled her nose at this. She couldn’t see the bottom of the sludge, due to its opaque nature, but surely it couldn’t be more than a few feet deep- *SPLOOOOOOSH!* Rarity's thoughts were interrupted by a giant iron behemoth emerging from the murky depths, breaching the waters like a great whale from the surface of an ocean. The massive black steel submarine gleamed with an eldritch sheen. Emblazoned on the side of the U-boat was a massive hammer-and-banana in scarlet red. Rarity’s jaw fell open, and her pupils shrank in her eyes as she gazed upon the gargantuan underwater traverser. A metal screeching noise could be heard, and a hatch opened up near the top of the massive vessel. Out of the hatch poked a woolly alpaca wearing a garish ushanka and an eye patch. He waved down to them with a foreleg. “Шelcome aъoard, comяades!” the alpaca shouted in a ridiculously exaggerated Stalliongrad accent. “Yaaay, Marexism!” the blue unicorn cheered, floating through the air upside-down in a grand rejection of logic to land next to the alpaca on top of the submarine. “Come on, you silly slowpokes, get in!” A hole opened up in the side of the submarine, and a large steel-grate gangplank extended forth from it, coming to a rest atop the wooden catwalk. “Yaay!” the pink unicorn cheered as he galloped into the darkness of the vessel. Rarity finally shook herself out of her stupor, and, against her better judgement, followed the unicorns into the submarine. As soon as she stepped inside, large, dull white lights turned on, illuminating the inner-workings of the submarine. Several other alpacas wearing pillbox caps attended glowing control panels. The pink and blue unicorns were busily making irritating “bing-bong” noises with their mouths, similar to a sonar scanner. The alpaca captain was busily eating an apple- or rather, attempting to chew on an apple, without success. The alpaca merely rolled the whole fruit around in his mouth, failing to masticate it properly. He approached Rarity. “Ursh-ubll-urphmphmphrrm” he said, the apple severely hindering his speech abilities. Rarity was taken aback by the captain’s utter lack of etiquette. She tried to correct his error. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over that apple…” she hinted, attempting to correct his manners in the most polite way possible. The captain nodded. He turned his head and spat the apple onto the floor, the red fruit rolled away, leaving a thin trail of spittle behind it before coming to rest in a corner. Rarity’s face turned a shade of green. The alpaca gave a satisfied huff, before addressing her again. “Befoяe шe disembaяk, you’ll иeed to ъecome paяt of the cяew.” He informed her, retrieving an utterly disgusting, unfashionable pilotka cap from his woolly coat. “You’ll иeed to шear this.” Rarity’s response was immediate, “Do I have to?” she looked over to the pink and blue unicorns, hoping for guidance. “Think of the children, Rarity!” the blue unicorn consoled her. “The chiiildren!” the pink unicorn confirmed, suddenly, the submarine’s control room was filled with the echoing sounds of crying infants. Rarity panicked. Picking up the cap with her magic, she quickly secured the offensive headpiece on her head. The crying noises were immediately replaced with the sound of a party blowout, and a small amount of confetti floated down from the air. “В советское жеребцаград, шляпа носит вас!” the pink unicorn approved. The captain merely gave a satisfied nod, and promptly left the control room, shutting the door behind him. Rarity sulked, falling into a state of self-pity. Here she was, the most fashionable pony in Ponyville, wearing a horrible, tasteless hat, travelling through sewage. She caught sight of the spit-covered apple from earlier, and gave a shudder. Unexpectedly, a pair of eyes opened on the apple, and gazed back at her. The apple rolled towards the white unicorn, much to Rarity’s horror. Once coming within a metre of her, a mouth opened on the apple, and began singing about how despite what someone looks like, it’s what’s on the inside that matters. The sailors all abandoned their posts to join in on the chorus. Despite everything, Rarity’s frown began to melt away, and the ghost of a smile appeared on her face. It was indeed, a very catchy tune. Then the apple exploded, and Rarity fainted. ~~~~~ Rarity began to regain consciousness in her own bathroom. She immediately looked around her, and gave a nervous chuckle. Perhaps she had just experienced a mental breakdown? Yes. That was the only logical answer, she had just experienced a hallucination of some sort, and she had not actually jumped into her toilet bowl to go on an adventure with a pair of psychotic unicorns. Rarity decided that she would see a psychiatrist in the morning to get whatever it was cleared up. For now, however, she would relax over a soothing makeov- Rarity’s entire makeup cabinet, including all of its contents, were mysteriously gone.
