How Zephyr Unintentionally Destroyed the Banks
Banker? I hardly know her!
The marriage between Zephyr Breeze and Rainbow Dash turned out to be little more than one of public image. In reality, Rainbow seemed to find any reason to leave their still-unnamed foal with Zephyr, alone in her house. If it wasn't work, then she was teaching at the School of Friendship or saving Equestria. If it wasn't any of that, then she was hanging out with her friends. If it wasn't any of that, then she made some bland excuse about going to the gas station to pick up milk and cigarettes.
Whenever she returned, she ignored Zephyr and their baby, retiring to her room in order to sleep, locking the door behind her. Sure, Zephyr could easily pass through the clouds that made up her abode, but out of principle he simply slept on her couch, the foal's crib nearby.
"I can't take this anymore!" the stallion snapped one day, sick of hearing the infant cry. He had strongly considered shaking the creature, but even he wasn't dumb enough to think that'd work. "I need help!"
The pegasus fled Rainbow's home, descending into the forests outside Ponyville in search of his sister's cabin, which he found. He noticed the gravity distortions as he approached, swimming more than flying through the air and dodging lawn decorations. As he closed in on the door, he could hear the feminine moans and bestial groans from within, as if a menagerie of animals were engaged in an unholy orgy.
Which, considering his sister, was entirely plausible.
"Flutters!" Zephyr shouted, slamming his hoof on the door loudly, ignoring the crying foal strapped to his chest. "It's your brother and nephew! Quit bucking your private zoo and get out here, already!"
"Zoo?!" an unpleasant familiar voice sounded as a chimeric being teleported in front of him, absolutely reeking of animal musk and dessert scents. "How dare you! I'm a draconequues, not a zoo!"
"Ah," Zephyr deadpanned, fighting down his gag reflex as he caught the toxic blend of his sister's sexual essence mixed with chocolate milk permeating from the Spirit of Chaos. "Yeah, this makes more sense; I don't know how Flutters could manage to sleep with so many animals at once, anyway." Zephyr still heard the sounds from inside. "Hold on, are you a copy? Are you still rutting my sister while I'm talking to you?!"
"Believe you me, I'd rather be in there enjoying a nice spit with your sister and my other self, but you were quite insistent."
"I threw up a little," Zephyr gagged. "Listen, could you just... I don't know, finish it up or something? Like, snap your fingers and make her satisfied or something, just so I can talk to her?"
"Even I can't satisfy a mare with the snap of my fingers," Discord chuckled, "especially Fluttershy. She really is quite insatiable; we've been going at it for hours."
"La-la-la!" Zephyr chanted loudly as he screwed his eyes closed. "I'm not listening!"
"What did you and your daughter need, anyway?"
"This is my son."
"No, that's a girl."
"What are you talking about?" Zephyr scoffed, picking his infant up in his forelegs and holding them above his head to check. "This is my- well, whaddya know?"
"Zephyr?" a soft, breathy voice called from the doorway. Fluttershy stood there, mane a mess, sweaty, and catching her breath. She was blushing all over and had various snacks in her fur, notably cotton candy and chocolate milk. "What are you doing here?"
"Did you know my kid was a girl?" her brother asked, still fascinated.
"...Yes?" the yellow pegasus spared a concerned look before asking Discord to help her freshen up. With a snap of his fingers, Fluttershy was immediately in pristine condition, perfumed and luminous with a lustrous mane as if she had just had a day at the spa. "Not that I'm not happy to see you - I am, and you know I love my niece - but this is kind of short notice. Is something wrong?"
"Absolutely! I'm terrible at taking care of foals!" Zephyr fell to his belly, holding his daughter up. "I need your nurturing help, sis!"
Fluttershy sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Raising my brother's daughter... how embarrassing."
"For you or him?" Discord grinned.
Fluttershy led them all inside and prepared an improvised cradle out of various natural materials with the help of her animal friends. She also found the time to somehow prepare tea and set the table for her guests.
"Thank you, Flutters," Zephyr sighed as he relaxed into the couch. "It's been a hot mess since we got married."
"You two are married?" Discord smirked. "This is news to me."
"Shush," Fluttershy giggled. "Marriage is difficult, Zeph. I know Rainbow's probably busy working two jobs, but I'm sure she rushes home to see her daughter at least, right?"
"She hangs out with all of you, or saves the world, or goes to the gas station whenever she's not working!" Zephyr groaned.
"She barely hangs out with any of us," Fluttershy furrowed her brow, "and we haven't had to save Equestria in months. And what the hay is a gas station?"
"A station for getting gas?" her brother shrugged. "I always assumed they served meatball subs and brussel sprouts, or something. She says she's going there to get milk and cigarettes, but you know what? I bet she doesn't even drink milk!"
"You think she's lying to avoid you and your child?" Fluttershy gasped. "That's terrible!"
"I'm stuck raising our son-"
"Daughter."
"-daughter all on my own, and I can barely take care of myself!" Zephyr whined.
"Maybe you should try and respark the romance?" Discord suggested.
"We married out of wedlock because she seduced me to sabotage my fake wedding with my friend, Prince Blueblood, who didn't want his extravagant wedding going to waste," the stallion explained in a deadpan. "If you can find the romance in that, I'd love to hear it."
"It's obvious she cared enough to want to destroy your fake wedding," the draconequues pointed out, "and she went through with the wedding."
Zephyr pursed his lips as he considered that information. Discord wasn't wrong. Maybe Rainbow Dash really did care about him - at least a little.
"Hardly matters," he sighed. "I can't respark the romance if I never see her."
"Maybe you can try and catch her once she comes home," Fluttershy suggested. "Cook her dinner and maybe give her a hoof massage. I know how much you love her hooves."
"Is this about that one time where she was staying the night and I tickled her hooves when she slept?" the stallion scowled. "I told you already, that was a prank, not a fetish!"
"He's totally into hoof worship," Fluttershy told Discord unabashedly. "It's so cute he's embarrassed about it; it's such a tame fetish."
"Especially compared to the crazy things we get into!" the draconequues shared a laugh with his lover.
"Oh for the love of Celestia, stop talking about your nasty business in front of me!" Zephyr shuddered.
"We'll even watch your daughter for you," his sister offered. "Um... what's her name?"
"We never came up with one."
"...You're joking."
"Sis, look at the dead look in my eyes and the bags under them and tell me I'm joking."
He most certainly was not joking.
For the next hour, the trio attempted to come up with names for Zephyr and Rainbow's daughter, ultimately settling on Quick Cloud. Considering the honorable mentions were Speed Puff, Color Wind, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, and Buck This I Need a Cider, Quick Cloud was more than sufficient for a placeholder name in the meantime.
"Alright, we'll take care of Quick Cloud for you," Fluttershy beamed. "You just worry about wowing your special somepony."
"She's my wife, not my special somepony," Zephyr grunted. "Honestly, why did I have a crush on her for so long? I thought I was madly in love with her, but spending all these months living with her cold shoulder has me reconsidering it..."
"Just cook her dinner and let her give you a hoofjob," Fluttershy suggested, making an up-and-down motion with her back hoof, "and then lick her hooves clean. Oh! And let her trot all over you and stick her hooves in your face, while she calls you a disgusting pervert."
"She'll love it!" Discord agreed.
Zephyr fixed them both with a deeply disturbed expression before turning and leaving without another word, flying back to the cloud home he shared with Rainbow. He set about preparing an entire romantic evening, using every resource at his disposal. Despite appearances, Zephyr was a sufficient cook, and it didn't take him long to ready a decent meal. He dimmed the lights, lit candles, and spread rose petals along the floor to the bedroom.
The petals, naturally, fell through the cloud floor and - not for the first time - Zephyr wondered how in the hell they kept anything up there.
"Alright, dinners ready, candles are lit, soft music is playing, and Tank has been an absolute bro in acquiring me Rainbow's favorite vintage of cider," Zephyr went over the list before shooting a grin at the floating tortoise. "Thanks little man."
The tortoise nodded before retreating into Rainbow Dash's room.
It didn't take too long for Rainbow to arrive, stumbling in and heading for her bedroom. Zephyr actively barred her path and she bumped into him, so used to her husband staying out of her way. She fixed him with a blurry-eyed stare, swaying slightly.
"Whaddya want, Zephyr?" she demanded. "I had a long day and wanna sleep."
"I made you dinner," the stallion showed her the dining room, the dinner, and the candles. He clasped her hooves in his and showered her with an affectionate stare. "Because I love you."
Rainbow avoided eye contact and mumbled something while blushing. When she looked up at him, she made sure he could hear her. "I guess I should probably eat something for dinner... It does smell good."
The dinner was a mess. Zephyr tried to bring up topics of conversation, paying Rainbow every conceivable compliment and being rebuffed each time. The mare chugged her cider straight from the bottle and didn't seem any different from when she came home. With a start, Zephyr realized Rainbow had come home drunk.
"Wait, have you been drinking all day?" he asked.
"What makes you say that?" the rainbow-maned pegasus slurred.
"Call it a hunch."
"Yeah, well..." Rainbow paused to belch. "Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, Zephyr!" Rainbow suddenly broke down. There was absolutely no pretext; one moment she was grouchy and drunk, the next crying while half-laying on the table, chest buried in her baked ziti. "I was drinking all day!"
"They let you drink at work?"
Rainbow bawled louder.
"What is it?!" Zephyr recoiled at her reaction. "What happened?!"
"I got laid off!" the mare hiccoughed as she tried to collect herself. "The Wonderbolts kicked me out!"
"What?!"
"They've been downsizing! They said there's no reason to have such a bloated military since we're in peacetime!" Rainbow explained through her tears. "I can be called back in an emergency, but Celestia's too spineless to declare war on anyone! I want there to be a war so bad!"
Zephyr felt some of his sympathy for his wife erode but opted to still try and help her through this crisis.
"Aw, cheer up, Rain-bae," he said, "now you can spend more time with our daughter and I."
"It's been such a hard three months..." Rainbow sniffed, calming down some.
"Wait a minute, are you saying it's been three months since you were laid off?" Zephyr furrowed his brow, realizing that was around the same time Rainbow had begun using excuses for why she was never home. "Hold on, does that mean you've just been spending every hour you weren't sleeping getting drunk?!"
"Inebreation is the only incentive I have to get out of bed in the morning."
Zephyr ground his teeth, seething. He took a calming breath.
"Where did you even get the money to do this?" he asked instead. "No income and to drink all day, everyday, for three months? That sounds expensive."
"I got a second mortgage on my house," Rainbow started crying again. "By the way... they're going to seize my property tomorrow!"
"What?!"
"I couldn't make the payments on time because I kept drinking my money away!" the mare fell on the fluffy floor and curled into a ball. "What am I gonna do, Zeph?!"
"Look, I know it seems bad, but things could be worse," Zephyr tried to comfort his wife.
"Zephyr, you have no idea what it's like!" Rainbow snapped, standing up to glare into her husband's eyes. "You have no idea the pain and frustration I'm going through! I'm basically homeless, I'm unemployed, and I feel like a parasite that's going to have to rely on the generosity of my friends and family to get by! You could never understand the pain I'm going through!"
The stallion fixed her with such an intense, deadly serious expression that anyone else would have realized the idiocy of her statement, but Rainbow Dash's heightened narcissism permitted her to misremember key moments in her life - Zephyr Breeze being a homeless, unemployed, and emotionally crippled underachiever, for example. It simply went over her head because she needed to believe that she was the only one suffering such indignity. Zephyr had always had a great life, hadn't he? She distinctly remembered him being a member of the august Royal Guard once; he had no idea what it meant to be unemployed, to feel like a burden on others!
"Listen, babe," the stallion closed his eyes and took a calming breath, "I really need you to work with me here, because I am finding it increasingly difficult to be supportive."
"You said you'd always love and support me!" Rainbow choked up again, tears streaming from her reddened eyes.
"Oh for the love of... Whatever! If I help you, will you spend more time with Quick Cloud and me?"
"Who the hay is Quick Cloud?"
"Our daughter."
"You mean our son, right?"
"Apparently she's a filly," Zephyr shrugged. "Are you going to at least try and be a mother, or what?"
"I don't know... my parents were always so loving and supportive of everything I did," Rainbow Dash lamented. She scowled fiercely. "I always hated it! I mean, do you know what it's like having two affectionate parents who praise you for every thing you do, celebrating even your simplest accomplishments as great victories by the simple virtue that it's you succeeding at something?"
Zephyr felt his left eye twitch as he was forced to relive a lifetime of his parents constantly comparing him against his sister's ever-greater achievements, his every effort a wasted act, his every victory falling short of the impossible heights Fluttershy reached.
"Can't say that I do."
"Well, you're lucky, believe me," the mare shuddered, "but... well, I probably should take better care of Quick Shot."
"Her name's Quick Cloud."
"I was talking about you," Rainbow grinned, "hey-o!" She held her foreleg up, waiting while her husband glared at her. "Come on, Zeph, don't leave me hanging."
"Why should I high-one you every time you roast me? I'm getting sick of this abuse, Rainbow!"
"You don't love me anymore?" the mare's eyes became a watery mess in an instant. "You're abandoning me in this time of need?!"
"Celestia damn it," Zephyr muttered under his breath. "I'm not abandoning you! Please don't cry!"
"I-if I gave you a h-hoofjob, would you l-love me again?"
"What in the flying...? What is it with you crazy broads thinking I'm into hoofjobs?!" Zephyr snapped.
"You don't think my hooves are beautiful anymore!" Rainbow broke into a sob.
"Alright, alright!" the stallion caved. "Just a... just a quick hoofjob, and then I'll help you save your house."
One quick hoofjob later, Zephyr led the way out of their cloudy abode, flustered and with a smiling, sporty pegasus in tow. As much as he hated to admit it, that had not been an entirely unpleasant affair, the sensation of Rainbow's soft hooves... No! No, he didn't have a hoof fetish, Celestia damn it! Damn these crazy mares ruining his life! How the hay were her hooves soft, anyway?!
After a short flight, the couple landed at the bank in Ponyville, a curious institution insofar as the show never seemed to have a consistent economy. What kind of bank would Equestria have? Are we talking like a decentralized, Wild West kinda thing where the citizens of a respective town deposit their funds for safekeeping, or a centralized economy kind of bank? Is it one of those modern corporate franchises where they can easily manipulate some poor, dumb bastards? God, I hope it's not that.
"Hi!" a peppy mare greeted them as they approached the counter. "Welcome to the Harvest Bank! Would you like to open a credit account? You can have a 5,000 bit starting credit, with monthly payments as low as 10 bits a month, with a compacted monthly interest rate of 15%, and you won't have to make any payments for a whole year! ...Interest rates still apply."
Oh no, it is!
"Listen toots, I don't understand any of that," Zephyr shook his head. "We don't want whatever your selling, but our house is about to be repossessed, and we can't have that."
"Oh, that's terrible!" the mare beamed, whatever soul or independence she had prior to be conscripted into office work scraped out of her in the pursuit of moving further up the pecking order. "Please hold on while I get you in touch with our manager; she's the one in charge of mortgages and repossessions."
The couple waited for nearly an hour despite there being no one else at the bank. Apparently most ponies preferred to keep their bits with them than store them in a building. No wonder they had to resort to being loan sharks just to keep the lights on.
"I'll see you now," a sultry voice drew their attention. Both ponies' jaws dropped at the sight of a gorgeous mare who was really just an uncreative recolor of Fleur de Lis. The couple entered her office and sat at her desk, unable to avoid staring at her swaying flank. The name on the plaque on her desk titled her as Ms. Knee Capper. "Ah, Mrs. Dash-Breeze, it is good to see you again. Do you have our money?"
"Actually, about that," Zephyr answered instead, sparing a glance at his wife; she hyphenated their names? It was slightly touching. "My wife is recently unemployed and we were wondering if you could, I don't know... help us out?"
"Mrs. Dash-Breeze owes Harvest 100,000 bits."
"100,000 bits?!" Zephyr screamed, the veins in his neck bulging. "How in the hay does she owe you 100,000 bits?!"
"Ah, you are correct, that estimate is inaccurate. One moment," Knee Capper ran some calculations on an abacus. "With the set interest rates, you owe us 174,289 bits as of this moment."
Zephyr let out a groan.
"There's no way we can afford that... even if we worked our whole lives..." the stallion felt like crying.
"Wow, don't be so pessimistic, Zeph," Rainbow crossed her forelegs, a disapproving look on her face. "Stallion up, will you?"
Zephyr shot a murderous glare at his wife.
"Wait, you are her husband?" Knee Cappter's eyes widened. "I assumed, with her rainbow-colored mane and your feminine appearance, that she was into mares and you were her wife."
"I have a five o' clock shadow!"
"I thought it was just a different color of fur," the banker shrugged. "Now I see that you are a twink."
"...Well, I've been called worse..."
"Let's get down to brass tacks," Knee Capper smirked. "You need money fast."
"Yeah," Rainbow and Zephyr nodded in unison.
"You have no assets to give."
"We have a daughter," Rainbow suggested. Zephyr quickly swatted her in the abdomen. "Oof! Um, not that... that's relevant."
"A pity. Foals can run upwards of several tens of millions of bits to the right seller," Knee Capper sighed.
Zephyr spared a contemplating look with Rainbow, but ultimately they both shook their heads.
"As it so happens, I'm in need of a stallion. Bad." Knee Capper licked her lips. "I have a certain attraction to the lighter built, more effiminate stallions, but every one I've come across is either already taken or only interested in stallions."
"Now, when you say attraction-" Zephyr began, concerned at where this was going.
"I want you to rut me," Knee Capper quit smirking, her face deathly serious. "I want you to absolutely dominate me, here in my office."
The stallion's jaw fell open, stunned. What kind of a mare was this that would proposition a stallion for sex in front of his wife of all things, extorting them with the threat of their debt? Zephyr wouldn't do it! The sanctity of his marriage - however tenuous it was - to Rainbow Dash was more important than money. They could find a new place to live and-
"How much are you paying?" Rainbow asked, narrowing her eyes skeptically.
"Hold on a minute, here!" Zephyr snapped.
"Depending on how well he performs, I'm willing to eliminate anywhere from 1,000 to 5,000 bits per session."
"10,000 bits," Rainbow bartered, much to her husband's horror.
"A 5,000 bit flat rate, and I'll reduce your interest to 5% a month."
"Please!" Rainbow scoffed. "Even an hour in bed with Zephyr is worth more than 5,000 bits!"
"1,000 bits an hour and no interest," Knee Capper countered.
"5,000 bits an hour, no interest, and you get rid of the debt we've racked up from interest."
"The debt we've racked up?!" Zephyr hissed.
"1 bit an hour, no interest, and I'll eliminate the existing debt from interest," Knee Capper agreed.
"Alright, alright... but I get to watch!"
"Deal!"
"Wait, only 1 bit an hour?! Don't I get a say in this?!" the stallion demanded.
"No!" both mares retorted.
"Come on Zeph, I thought you loved me?" Rainbow pouted. "If a husband really loved his wife, he'd allow himself to be sexually exploited to settle her drinking expenditures!"
"It is truly the ultimate demonstration of faithfulness to sleep with another mare to save one's wife from financial ruin," Knee Capper agreed.
"...What?!" Zephyr felt something like an aneurysm in his head. "Rainbow, do you realize I need to spend 100,000 hours rutting this mare?! How many days is that?!"
"That would be..." the banker ran a quick calculation, "...roughly 11 years."
"WHAT?!"
"11 years and about 6 months, really," Knee Capper grinned, "and that's if we didn't take any breaks! Wow, I'll never have to try a one-night stand again!"
"Zeph, just take one for the team, alright?" Rainbow scoffed. She pulled her husband aside and whispered. "I'm not gonna lie, this is kinda hot."
"I can't believe you're selling me as a sex slave to settle your debt."
"Really, it's more like I'm pimping you out over an extended period of time to one trustworthy client," Rainbow rolled her head as she tried to justify her actions, "which admittedly sounds awful, but... Look, one of us needs to be working a job."
"I have a job!"
"And like a loving husband, now you're working two jobs to support your family," the sporty pegasus beamed. "I'll be here the whole time, too! I can cheer for you, if you'd like."
"...That's not necessary," Zephyr deadpanned, feeling himself give in.
"Are you sure?" Knee Capper opened her office closet and pulled out an outfit on a hanger. "I have a cheerleader costume she can wear; I keep all my cosplay at work for business dealings."
In the end, Zephyr opted for the cheering.
...
The Dash-Breeze family eventually recovered from this crisis, with Zephyr eventually quitting his day job. It turned out that rutting the manager of the local bank actually helped one's family become more financially stable than trying to make an honest living or providing a useful or necessary service to society. Through mutual agreement, Rainbow Dash and Zephyr Breeze started a college fund for their daughter, tacking on another lifetime of sex to their debt.
Eventually, news of this sexual exploitation got out and the institution of banks was once again called into question. The pressure for the government to intervene was so strong that Celestia had no choice but to go to war with the banks, putting General Old Hickory in charge. Old Hickory, a veteran of ruthlessly slaughtering buffalo for absolutely no reason other than they existed, was the perfect blend of homicidal, insane, and loyal to unquestioningly go to war with his own countryponies. Astoundingly, the banks put up a staunch resistance, amassing great armies of debtor slave soldiers to fight back against the press-ganged conscripts of Equestria - who were totally not slave soldiers, ignore the detractors.
Rainbow Dash finally got back into the Wonderbolts and led many suicidal charges, miraculously surviving every time. Her attrition rate was the highest of any commander in Equestria's history, which her parents were quite proud of.
Eventually, Old Hickory won. He killed the banks. Literally. It was a Celestia-damned bloodbath, the institutions torn down, brick by brick, to be rebuilt as a monument to Celestia using the ground gore of the bankers as mortar. Luna was quite displeased that she had, once again, been forgotten in the monument, but that's what happens when you sleep all day.
And what became of Rainbow Dash's debt and Zephyr Breeze's payment plan? Well, with the banks destroyed, all ponies were liberated from the oppressive interest rates and fees of the banks! Instead, the Equestrian government took over the debts and loans of the banks, offering a very minor relief payment to offset the grievous slap to the face that was having ponies fight and die to end the unjust banking practices only to have to continue suffering them. All debts now had to be paid to the Equestrian government, and when Celestia discovered the method of repayment the Dash-Breeze family was using (and Luna, reading over her sister's shoulder), it was decided that the princesses themselves would collect on this debt, for such was their duty.
And all parties were satisfied, forevermore.
Author's Note
Harvest is a play on Arvest, a good bank (I think?), but the pun was too good to pass up, so now Harvest is an evil bank. In my defense, a bank named "Harvest" just sounds evil to begin with.
The humor in this one is a lot more sexual than the last. I'm still experimenting with comedy. Some might find this one funnier; some might find it less. Just kinda winging it, truth be told.
Kudos to those history buffs out there who got the Old Hickory reference.