The Main 7 Play F*ck, Marry, Kill

by Jinzou

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1640

Have you ever wanted to see the Main 6 + Starlight get drunk as hell and play Fuck, Marry, Kill?

They've finally done it. They beat Cozy Glow, Tirek, and Chrysalis. Twilight became the new ruler of Equestria.

Now there's no better way to wind down than getting drunk and playing party games until they pass out.

Published 2020-04-29 15:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-29 15:30:01 UTC

Fuck, Marry, and Kill

"Well. That's finally over. Nothing but bureaucratic nonsense and 'high class' ponies from here on out." Twilight sighed.

They had just come back from her coronation, as she was appointed the unequivocal leader of Equestria. She may have grown up physically in Canterlot, the city where her new throne would be stuck, but her heart longed to return to Ponyville, the place where her real life truly began.

Of course that wasn't the main reason. She had to leave her friends behind. They all had lives and callings in Ponyville. Sure, Pinkie would be in charge of the upcoming Galas, and sure, Rarity did have a boutique in Canterlot, so it's not like she'd never see any of them, but the feeling still weighed heavily on her heart.

"Why didn't they ask Cadance to do this?" Rainbow Dash butted in. "She's way more used to this sort of thing, and I mean, your princess duties up till this point were completely different."

"Rainbow Dash, I'd love to have Cadance in this position instead of me, but the energy of the Crystal Empire literally reflects all over Equestria. I can understand her having to stay in its direct vicinity." Twilight grumbled.

"Weeeelllll..." Starlight began. "If this really is the last night we're gonna see you for a while, we should at least find some place to make it special."

"A PARTY!" Pinkie Pie shouted, leaping into the air.

"Pinkie, you know as much as I love your parties, I'm not in the mood and really far too tired for one." Twilight let out a mighty yawn.

"How about a... special kind of party?" Pinkie asked suggestively, waggling her eyebrows.

Twilight turned around and studied Pinkie's face tiredly.

"Pinkie I swear to all things holy, if you suggest an orgy I'm banishing you to the moon."

Pinkie deflated a bit at that.

"How about instead of that..." Starlight started. "We have a couple drinks and play some games?"

There were murmurs of agreement from the rest of the ponies.

"So what do y'all wanna do first?" Applejack asked.

"Ooh! I know the perfect game to start this night out. The perfect icebreaker for a night of drinking!" Rainbow Dash smirked. "Who wants to play 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'?"

And so it was on that night, on the very same night as her coronation, Twilight discovered quite a lot of secrets about her friends that she wouldn't mind never having learned.

Rainbow Dash flicked her wings and grinned, watching a pony carry a tray of shot glasses into the room. "So..." Dash said, wringing her hooves, "who's going first?"

Each pony took two of the shot glasses, and downed the first one then, after a quick cheers and a countdown.

"Ah hell, let's just get it out of the way. I'll go first" Applejack volunteered.

"Alright Applejack." Rainbow Dash smirked, slowly furrowing her brows and licking her lips. "Fuck, Marry, Kill. Big Mac, Caramel, Braeburn."

"Oh for the love of- Rainbow! How many times do I have to tell you I ain't into my own family!" Applejack shouted, throwing her stetson down in anger, which just led to Rainbow Dash cackling madly. "I dunno where y'all even got this here idea! Give me another one!"

"Sorry Applejack~" Pinkie chimed in with a singsong voice. "That's not how the gaaaaame works~"

"Alright fine." Applejack snarled as another round of drinks came. Quickly taking her shot, she spent a moment peering contemplatively off into empty space, idly tapping a forehoof against her chin. "Fine. Fuck Big Macintosh, I ain't marrying my brother and killing him would be too detrimental to the farm. Marry Braeburn, I'm pretty sure he's gay anyway, and kill Caramel."

Rainbow Dash fell to the floor with a bout of uproarious laughter.

"I got this one Dashie." Pinkie Pie chirped, her eyes scanning the room knowingly, and fixing themselves on a certain mare. "Fuck, marry, kill... Soarin, Spitfire... and Applejack."

Rainbow Dash instantly shut up and started turning pink as Pinkie started cracking up.

"Hey, I thought we were doing these about ponies not here! This isn't fair!"

"Well we weeerrre" Twilight teased. "But now I guess we're not. So make your choice, Rainbow."

"Fuck, dammit. Fine." Rainbow said, staring hard at the ground. "I guess... Fuck Spitfire... marry Applejack... and kill Soarin."

"I'm sorry sugarcube, what was that middle one?" Applejack chuckled.

"I said I'd marry you." Rainbow blushed harder and stared at the floor between her hooves.

Biting her lip to hold back her laughter, Applejack stood up and walked over to Rainbow Dash, sitting down so they were basically touching. She lifted a forehoof and draped it gently over Rainbow's shoulders.

"One more time, sugarcube, my hearing ain't what it used to be." Applejack's face threatened to be split in half by her smile.

"I SAID I'D MARRY YOU, FUCK." Rainbow shouted as the entire room fell over in laughter.

"Ooh, Dashie and AJ sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G~" sang Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash glared over with an expression of pure hatred at Pinkie. Just in time, a new round of shots made their way to the table.

Rainbow's didn't even make it to the table before she drank it.

"Y'know Rainbow Dash, I always thought the joke that you were into mares was wrong." Applejack winked. "But if you wanted to change your first answer, my bed can hold two ponies."

"I hate you so much right now." Rainbow Dash snarled. She grabbed AJ's drink and chugged that one too.

"Alright, I got this one." Applejack laughed. Starlight, fuck, marry, kill. Trixie, Sunburst, and Thorax."

"Oh that's an easy one." Starlight laughed. "Fuck Trixie, marry Sunburst, kill Thorax."

"...Starlight?" Twilight slurred slightly, the alcohol starting to take affect.

"What's up Twilight?" Starlight laughed. Despite being the largest pony there, it was obvious Twilight had the lowest tolerance.

"Starlight are you doing..." Twilight trailed off as her head rolled. "Uh, hanky-panky with Trixie?"

"Don't worry, we keep it in the wagon." Starlight smirked.

"Better not be in my castle." Twilight grumped.

"Technically your castle is this Canterlot castle now, so you don't have to worry about that." Starlight reasoned.

"And you remember that." Twilight pointed a hoof at Starlight, swaying slightly.

"That aside darling, looks like it's Fluttershy's turn now." Rarity purred. "So darling. Fuck, marry, and kill. Dr. Fauna, Angel..." Rarity held off for a second, enjoying the look of nervousness in Fluttershy's eyes. "And Discord." Rarity finished.

Suddenly everyone was paying very close attention. Fluttershy turned beet red and tried to sink into the floor. After taking several steadying breaths, she felt able to answer.

"O-okay. I guess I'd kill Angel, since he's reaching the end of his natural bunny life anyway, even if I would feel just awful forever about it... Marry Dr. Fauna... and fuck Discord."

"C'mon Fluttershy." Rainbow joked. "We all knew you were doing that last one anyway."

Fluttershy looked around in abject horror. "Wha- You have?"

"Oh darling, have you two... made relations?" Rarity asked in a loud whisper. Fluttershy just blushed harder and hid behind her hooves.

"Oh Celestia, she has." Rarity gasped. "She's not even trying to deny it!"

Fluttershy just let out a pathetic whimper.

"Wait Fluttershy, let me get this straight," giggled Twilight. "You went to bed with the immortal, centuries old Lord of Chaos?"

Fluttershy let out a small nod.

The room erupted in laughter.

"You know, I have to give you kudos." Rainbow said. "I was 100% sure you were still a virgin. Now the only virgin here is Twilight!"

"Fuck you, Rainbow Dash." Twilight laughed.

"That's Applejack's job now, Twilight." Starlight winked. The whole room, save Rainbow, erupted into laughter again.

"Alright, alright, enough of that. It's Pinkie's turn." Rainbow Dash announced haughtily.

"I'll get this one" smiled Twilight. "Pinkie, fuck, marry, kill.... Uhh... Cheese Sandwich, me, and Rainbow Dash."

"Okei dokie, Loki" Pinkie snorted. "I'd fuck you, marry Cheesie, and kill Dashie."

"Thanks, Pinks. Really feeling the love here." Rainbow muttered.

"That's probably because you're sitting next to Applejack, silly!" Pinkie bounced. "But if it makes you feel better I'll make some cupcakes with you when we get back to Ponyville."

"So I guess it's my turn to ask Rarity." Fluttershy muttered, mostly over the prior embarrassment, no doubt with the rounds of drink that just kept coming. "Uh, Rarity. Fuck, marry, kill... Fancy Pants, Sassy Saddles, and Capper."

"Oh that's too easy darling." Rarity chuckled. "however dear he is Fancy Pants has to go, first things first. Then I would make love to Sassy, and marry Capper."

"Wait, Rarity, you're into mares?" asked Applejack.

"I believe mares and stallions can both be beautiful in their own ways, Applejack." Rarity responded dryly.

"And I believe that leaves up with you, Twilight darling." Rarity fluttered her eyelashes at the alicorn.

"Alright fine, hit me." Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Ooh, I got this one." Starlight giggled. "Fuck, Marry, Kill. Celestia, Luna, Cadance."

Twilight gave a quick snort. "Easy. Fuck Celestia, marry Luna, kill Cadance."

The room was dead silent.

"Uh darling, that was a... very quick answer." Rarity mused quietly.

"Celestia's been my teacher my entire life, so marrying her would just lead to a lifetime of awkwardness. And I obviously won't kill her, so there's only one option for her. I'm not going to fuck or marry my brother's wife, so kill her. And that just leaves the option of marrying Luna."

Another moment of silence passed.

"Works for me." Rainbow shrugged.

"Yep!"

"Ditto."

"Cheers."

They all took their time to finish their drinks. Twilight ordered something stronger. She felt she was going to need it the way this night was going.

Author's Note

I don't ship FlutterCord or AppleDash, I just thought these combos would be hilarious.