Dear Celestia

by TheRedFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 1255

My Little Pony, My Little Pony, what is friendship all about? My Little Pony, My Little Pony, friendship is magic!

Dear Celestia, by the time you're reading this, I'll be dead.

Sofa and Quills Speedwriting Entry for a Panic Fiction. The prompt was 'a martyr, a witness, and a cage.' It placed last and deserves it. Rips off the SNL skit 'The Shooting,' AKA 'Dear Sister.'

Cover art was totally done by KrazyTheFox as a comission for $40. Thank.

Published 2020-04-29 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-29 18:00:01 UTC

I Wrote This Instead of Reviewing Moonshot's Story

“Spike, are you busy? I have to tell Princess Celestia about the martyr.”

Spike raised an eyebrow, turning away from the bookshelf to face Twilight. “The… what?”

“You know,” Twilight said, placing a piece of parchment on the table. “The martyr. Remember? The pony who died the other day for the Cult of the Cage, saying that he would curse us all or something, because a martyr, a witness, and a cage would bring about the fall of Equestria?”

“Oh, that guy? I dunno, Twi,” Spike said, rubbing the back of his head. “I haven’t sent Princess Celestia a letter in a long time… It’s funny because--”

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Spike staggered forwards, grabbing the table for balance. He wheezed and gasped, gripping his chest. He turned around in shock, coughing. Twilight was staring at him, tears in her eyes and a pistol in her hoof.

Spike gasped for air, before his eyes rolled up in his head. He fell to the ground in slow motion, his head bouncing off the ground like a deflated basketball before coming to a stop.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

As the music faded out, the gun clattered out of Twilight’s hooves. “Oh… Oh Luna,” she gasped. She fell onto her haunches and grabbed her head in her hooves. Twilight felt sick suddenly, and almost threw up all over the carpet. Maybe she should have, her performance usually improves after she pukes. The numbers support it.

“TWILIGHT!” Starlight shouted as she ran to Spike’s side. “What did you do?!”

Twilight took a series of deep, shaky breaths. Then she took another breath. Finally, she closed her eyes and took one last breath before speaking. “Well--”

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Twilight gasped, feeling something slam into her chest. She looked down and grabbed at her chest with both hooves, seeing them turn redder than a submarine during the month of October. She looked up to see Spike lying on his back, a gun in his claws. Twilight tried to speak, but couldn’t. She let out a low sigh and fell face forwards onto the floor.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

Spike lowered his gun to the ground, coughing up blood. “D-dragon scales, baby! Good as… good as bulletproof!”

Starlight grabbed his hand in worry. “Spike! What in Celestia’s name is going on? Why are you killing each other? And what are they doing?”

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Background Singers! Yay!”

“Forget about them, Starlight,” Spike said weekly. “You have to tell Celestia. You’re a witness.”

“A witness?” asked Starlight, confused. “A witness to what?”

“The martyr-”

Suddenly, a pony has fallen into the river in Ponyville! And also, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Spike’s eyes went wide as his body jerked in pain. He grabbed his chest and rolled to his side. He looked over his shoulder to see Starlight standing over him with a grim expression, pistol in hoof. “S-Starlight,” he croaked, before his head fell to the floor.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

Starlight sighed, dusting herself off. She stood up and stepped over Spike, fixing her mane in the mirror. Just another day in the life of an assassin. Satisfied, she nodded, and--

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Starlight felt a surge of pain in her shoulder. She cried out and staggered forwards. She looked behind her to see Twilight sitting up, pistol in hoof. Twilight growled, staring right down the sights. Starlight felt light-headed and collapsed onto the ground.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

Twilight dropped the gun, her vision going dark. She tried to stand but was too weak. She coughed up blood and laughed, before keeling over. Twilight lowered her head and closed her eyes. Her chest rose and fell before it didn’t move any more.

All was quiet in the study. Until the door slammed open. “The Great and Powerful Trixie--”

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Trixie held a hoof to her shoulder--

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Trixie cried out as--

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study?

Trixie grabbed her chest in pain and looked over her shoulder.

Starlight bit her lip in pain, holding her gun shakily with both hooves--

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Trixie looked to her right to see Spike on his stomach, one pistol in each hand--

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Trixie looked up to see Twilight with a Kar-98 Karbine, aimed right at her head.

SuDdEnLy a GunShOt EcoHed THRoUghOut The StUDy!!!

Trixie staggered about before falling to her side.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,

What is friendship all about?

My Little Pony, My Little Pony

Friendship is magic!

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,

What is friendship all about?

My Little Pony, My Little Pony

Friendship is magic!

The door opened again, and Princess Celestia and Luna walked in. “My word!” Luna said. “Whatever is this about?”

Princess Celestia frowned and went over to Twilight’s letter. “Dear Princess Celestia,” she read. “By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be dead. Here’s how it’s going to happen. First, Spike is going to come in and ask me what I’m doing. I’ll tell him, and when he asks about a martyr, I’ll shoot him. Then Starlight will come in, but Spike will shoot me. Then Starlight will shoot Spike and then I’ll shoot Starlight. Then Trixie will come in and all of us will shoot her. Finally, you and Princess Luna will come in, read this letter, and then shoot each other.” Princess Celestia blinked, setting the letter back down on the table. “I say! Isn’t that the most ridiculous--”

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Celestia gasped and looked over her shoulder to see Luna aiming a revolver at her, frowning.

Luna’s eyes widened and she looked over her shoulder to see Celestia with a gun.

Celestia staggered about, unevenly on her hooves.

Luna fell to the ground, trying to stay steady but failing to do so.

Celestia’s eyes rolled up into her head as her face hit the ground.

Luna let out a groan before her face hit the floor.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,
What is friendship all about?
My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Friendship is magic!

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,

What is friendship all about?

My Little Pony, My Little Pony

Friendship is magic!

The end.

...

Wait, where was the cage--

A gunshot echoed throughout the study!

Your eyes go wide and you grab at your chest, red seeping through your shirt. You turn around in shock to see a cage standing behind you, a high caliber sniper rifle tucked in between its bars! As you fall out of your chair, the world goes dark around you!

My Little Pony, My Little Pony,

What is friendship all about?

My Little Pony, My Little Pony

Friendship is magic!

I am not sorry.