Hard times have fallen on Equestria. Businesses are closing, the economy is declining, and ponies all over are facing unemployment. Princess Celestia, in a desperate bid to curtail the impending market crash, issued a series of stimulus incentives all across the nation, the most popular of these being a one-time 1200-bit check to every adult pony.
“Ya-hoo!” Spike cheered, running inside Golden Oaks Library with an envelope clutched in his claws. “Mail’s here, straight from the Canterlot Treasury!” He thrusted it over to Twilight. “Open it, open it, open it!”
“Easy there, little guy,” she responded, levitating the check in front of her. “It’s just a stimulus check.” In one swift motion, she tore open the letter and withdrew the check from inside.
“Just a stimulus check? It’s 1200 bits! Just think of how many gems that could buy!” Spike felt himself salivating just at the thought of it, having to clench his jaw shut to stop from drooling.
Twilight held the check in front of her, letting the envelope fall to the floor. “Hmm. In the memo line, Princess Celestia wrote ‘To My Faithful Student.’ She even signed it herself. What a sweet personal touch!”
“Just one check?” Disheartened, Spike picked up the fallen envelope and peered inside. “Where’s mine, Twilight?”
“You don’t get one, silly.”
“What? Why not?”
“Well, I claim you as a dependent on my annual tax return. I get an extra 500 bits for that.”
“1700 bits?” he shouted. “But I have a job! I work for you full-time, that’s not fair!”
“It’s plenty fair,” she replied cheerfully. “I just put down on the form that I’m raising a baby dragon, and I save a ton of money when I file each year!”
“T-That’s child labor then! You can’t be my employer and my parent!”
“Mr. Overdramatic here,” Twilight muttered, rolling her eyes. “Besides, even if you weren’t a dependent, you still wouldn’t get anything. You’re not a pony.”
“Just ponies? What about all the other creatures living in Equestria? Don’t they deserve a government bailout just as much as any pony?”
“It’s not a government bailout, Spike. This is a stimulus initiative to get the Equestrian economy moving again. Princess Celestia, in her infinite wisdom, knows we have to put ponies first, after all.”
“That’s racist!” he argued.
“Ugh,” she scoffed. “Maybe you’re not grasping the purpose of this initiative. Come on, let’s go see the girls. A firsthand look at what this money’s going towards will help you get the idea.”
Twilight cheerily dropped the check at her desk and headed out into Ponyville. Spike followed close behind, grumbling under his breath.
“First stop is Sweet Apple Acres, a prime example of the small business Princess Celestia is trying to save.”
“Prime example of mrrmrrgh frrmrrgh,” he griped.
The pair crossed through the decorative arch marking the entrance to the farm.
“Applejack? You home?” she called out.
Applejack popped her head out from behind the barn. “Well howdy there, Twi! Glad to see you stop by!” She trotted over to meet them.
“We were just wondering if you got your stimulus check in the mail yet?” she asked.
“Sure did! We’re puttin’ my check all towards fixing up the ol’ barn.”
“See, Spike?” Twilight said, smugly. “The barn is an investment, one that will bring in revenue—”
“...and I think Big McIntosh went into town to spend his check on lotto scratchers.”
“What?” Twilight asked, dumbfounded.
“Yep! He’s for sure gonna strike it rich with all them tickets. Then we’ll be swimming in bits in no time!”
“Applejack, there’s no way that’s going to work. You’re going to lose way more money than you make back.”
“Nuh-uh!” she argued. “Just think, he must be able to buy somethin’ near 400 scratchers with all them bits! One of them’s sure to be a jackpot winner. It’s foolproof.”
“That’s not foolproof at all! That’s the gambler’s fallacy in action!”
“You callin’ me and Big Mac gamblers?” Applejack squinted, offended by her comment.
Spike snickered at how quickly Twilight’s lecture had derailed. She gave him a swift kick with her rear hoof.
“Listen, Twi, us farm folk ain’t as fortunate as some of y’all, what with your fancy financiers funding your follies. Between Granny Smith and her dead husband’s social security checks, we’re barely scrapin’ by without any government aid.”
“What?” Twilight asked, baffled by her friend’s revelation. “Granny Smith is still collecting her late husband’s social security?”
Applejack turned away and started walking back to the barn. “What the government don’t know won’t hurt ‘em.”
“That’s welfare fraud!” Twilight yelled after her, only to be ignored. “Ugh, come on, Spike. I’m sure the rest of the girls aren’t as unethical as Applejack.”
Spike rubbed his side, still sore from the kick, and angrily followed Twilight back into town.
“Let’s stop by Fluttershy’s cottage. I’m sure she’s much more level-headed.”
As they headed up the road, they came across Rainbow Dash, on one of the rare occasions she wasn’t flying. Behind her, she was carting a heavy wagon.
Filled with bits.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight exclaimed, running up to her. “That’s not your stimulus check, is it?”
“Yep. Just withdrew it from the bank this morning. Help me move this thing, will ya?”
Twilight glanced at Spike and nodded to the wagon. He crossed his arms, unwilling to comply. Again she nodded, this time more demandingly. Reluctantly, he trudged over and took the reins from Rainbow Dash, grumbling all the way.
“Why would you clean your bank account out?” Twilight asked, walking with her alongside the wagon as Spike struggled to pull it.
“When it comes to this much money, I don’t trust the banks!” Dash answered. “I don’t like the idea of my hard-earned bits lining somepony else’s pockets!”
“Rainbow, that money was given to you by the government.”
“Sure sounds like a handout to me,” Spike muttered, pausing to take a breath. Twilight shot him an irate glare, and he returned to grunting as he pulled the cart.
“You know what I mean. Besides, how cool does this mountain of bits look?” She flew up and landed atop the golden pile, much to Spike’s chagrin.
“Well, as long as everypony else in town didn’t have the same idea, one withdrawal shouldn’t hurt the local bank.”
“Oh yeah, there was a line around the block. That’s why I got there early. You should’ve seen the look on Lyra’s face when they told her they ran out of bits!”
“They ran out of bits?” Twilight stopped in her tracks, stunned. “You’re telling me Ponyville suffered a bank run? That’s the opposite of what this stimulus was supposed to do! We’re supposed to be helping businesses, not crashing them!”
“Hey, what does it matter?” Dash asked. “I got my bits, that’s all that counts.”
“Oh, I hope Fluttershy has some good news,” she said, growing stressed. “I can’t take much more of this. Come on, Spike!”
Twilight took off down the road. Delighted to be freed from his task, he threw off the reins and sped after her. Rainbow Dash simply shrugged and returned to hauling her newfound wealth.
Knocking on the cottage door, Twilight anxiously awaited an answer.
“Oh, hello Twilight,” Fluttershy said, opening the door. “You’re just in time. I made some tea, would you like to come in?”
“Yes!” Twilight eagerly agreed, following her inside with Spike. “Tea! Sweet Fluttershy, always doing the kind thing. I just know you did something constructive with your stimulus check.”
“Oh, I didn’t get a check,” Fluttershy corrected her, pouring out two cups of tea.
“What?” she asked, taking her cup. “Why not?”
“I’m 15.”
Twilight stared back at her, bewildered. “What do you mean you’re 15? The rest of us are in our twenties!”
“Well, I’m 15. Not an adult. I’m not eligible for the check, but that’s okay.”
“So that means…” Twilight stammered, “last week, when we took you to—”
“Oh, yes, that was very illegal. I didn’t want to say anything because I thought it’d be rude.”
“Uh, Twilight, can I have a sip?” Spike asked, reaching for her cup. “Pulling that cart was a real workout.”
“Shut up, Spike,” she said sharply, shoving him away and turning back to Fluttershy. “But how are you 15? You live alone!”
“I got emancipated early. My parents are real b-words, if you know what I mean.” She leans in and whispers softly. “Bullies.”
“This is insane. I can’t believe we’ve been hanging out with a minor all this time and didn’t even know.” Taking a sip, she pushed the topic from her mind. “Well, at least I know you’d do something good with the stimulus check if you got one.”
“Actually…” Fluttershy started.
“Oh, no.” Twilight facehoofed.
“…I’m protesting the stimulus. Some of Equestria’s creatures have found Princess Celestia’s initiatives to be unfair to them. The griffons in particular. They think the aid package should be distributed across all denizens of Equestria, and I happen to agree.”
“Yeah!” Spike shouted proudly, pumping his fist. “Fight the power!”
“Quiet, Spike!” Twilight smacked him upside the head and looked back to Fluttershy. “You can’t be a griffon sympathizer! What about ‘Equestria First’?”
“They are just as Equestrian as you or me,” she answered firmly. “In fact, they’re staging a violent protest in Canterlot next week. I will be attending to administer first aid.”
“Go Fluttershy! Stick it to that tyrant Celestia!” Spike cheered, expertly ducking Twilight’s next smack.
“You’re a traitor!” Twilight yelled to her friend. “You don’t care about ponykind at all! Come on, Spike.” She grabbed him by the scruff and dragged him out of the cottage, while he kicked and struggled to get free.
Halfway up the road, Spike finally escaped her grasp and stood up, brushing the dirt off his scales. “Dang it! Now I’m gonna need a bath. Thanks a lot, Twi.”
“I can’t believe it,” she huffed. “Nopony is acting like themselves! Applejack’s committing fraud, Rainbow Dash is abandoning the banks, Fluttershy has become a race traitor! This economic crisis is making everypony crazy!”
She paced back and forth across the road. “Think, Twilight, think. There’s got to be somepony in town who’s emblematic of good civic sense.”
“What about Rarity?” Spike asked.
“Yes! Rarity! The spirit of generosity! I’m sure she donated her check to charity, the selfless thing! Let’s go!” Once again, she grabbed Spike and dragged him down the road to Carousel Boutique.
Twilight burst through the door, and tossed Spike inside. “Rarity! Please show Spike how a responsible pony spends their stimulus check!”
“Oh, Twilight,” Rarity said, emerging from upstairs, “how good to see you! What’s that you were saying about the stimulus?”
“Spike here,” she motioned to the dazed dragon lying on the floor, “is having a hard time wrapping his head around why we’re doing it.” She sank her head and grumbled angrily, “and so are all of our other friends, apparently.”
“Oh, certainly, you’ve come to find out what I did with my check.” She casually strolls to her mannequins, and gets to work adjusting dresses. “Well, I was going to donate the money to an organization in Fillydelphia that helps clothe poor colts and fillies, but then I did some research, and forget everything you knew about nonprofit organizations! Did you know some charities use up to 80% of your donations to cover administration costs? And the salaries they pay their CEOs, oh dear!”
“Get to the point, please,” Twilight groaned.
“Well, I figured there was no point in donating towards their office rent, so I invested the money in myself!”
“Thank goodness,” she sighed, a little relieved, “at least some of the stimulus is going towards helping local businesses.”
“Helping my busine— yes, I suppose you could look at it that way, as well!”
“Wait… what exactly did you spend the money on?”
Rarity pulled out a beautifully-adorned case and opened it to show her. “Just look at this brooch! It was a little on the expensive side at 1200 bits, but it’s certain to land me a handsome beau, and you’re right, it will help my business to be seen— Twilight?” She looked back up to see her friend leaving the store, dragging a disoriented Spike by his tail. “Where are you going?”
“To see Pinkie Pie,” she muttered through her teeth.
“Oh, I’ll go with you! I haven’t had the chance to see her in nearly a week!” Rarity carefully put the brooch back and followed Twilight out.
“Hey, guys!” Rainbow Dash flew in and greeted them. “Where you headed?”
“Sugarcube Corner,” Rarity answered brightly.
“Sweet! I’ll come too, I just finished stashing my bits.”
Twilight ignored their idle chatter, too frustrated to pay them any mind, dragging her barely-lucid assistant with her teeth.
Upon reaching the bakery, they ran into Applejack and Fluttershy on their way in.
“Oh, hi, Twilight,” Applejack growled aggressively. “Come by to chastise any more of my spendin’ habits?”
“Or maybe to treat some poor helpless creature like a second-class citizen?” Fluttershy jeered.
“What do you suppose that’s about?” Rarity leaned in and whispered to Rainbow Dash, only to get a clueless shrug in response.
Twilight ignored them both, choosing to not stop and brush right past them through the bakery door. She dropped Spike onto the floor and approached Mrs. Cake, the rest of the girls following behind her.
“Mrs. Cake,” she whispered irritably, “please tell me your business has been stimulated by the government aid package.”
“Stimulated doesn’t even begin to describe it!” Mrs. Cake answered, clearly exhausted.
The girls perked up curiously.
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
“Ever since Pinkie Pie got her check, she’s been blowing it all away on her habit! We tried to cut her off, but she got violent and threatened us until we fueled her addiction!”
Rainbow Dash flew up to the counter. “Wha— where is she?”
“Upstairs. But I wouldn’t see her if I were you, she’s in a… delicate… state.”
“Come on, girls!” Twilight said, resolutely, charging up the stairs. Determined, her friends all followed her.
Mrs. Cake stared blankly at the unconscious baby dragon lying face-down in the middle of her store.
Twilight burst through Pinkie’s bedroom door, prepared for a confrontation. What she encountered, though, was a knocked-out pink pony lying on the floor, her face buried in a pile of white powder.
“Pinkie?” Twilight whispered, uneasily stepping forward.
There was no response. She looked completely catatonic. Slowly, the five of them approached their friend, frightened at what had become of her.
Suddenly, Pinkie leapt up, her face smeared with white powder, and charged at them, screaming “MIIIIIIINE!”
Immediately, the girls scattered in terror. Twilight ducked to avoid Pinkie’s attacks, Fluttershy cowered behind the hamper, Applejack barrel-rolled out of the way, Rainbow Dash instinctively thrashed around and kicked blindly to defend herself, and Rarity immediately dipped out of the room.
Pinkie charged past them all, bucking around erratically in a crazy bout of energy. She ran into the hall, and the girls all winced at the unmistakable sound of a pony tripping and tumbling down the stairs.
Then, only silence.
“Dear Princess Celestia. This week, I learned nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe that’s not entirely true. You see, I took Spike out on an educational trip, to show him all the good your stimulus was doing across Ponyville. And am I pleased to report that it was not doing anything remotely good. No, your genius initiative turned my friends into a gambling fraudster, a selfish hoarder, a race traitor, a snobby miser, and a hopeless powdered-sugar-addict that disappeared off the face of the planet. Seriously, thanks to your generous gift of 1200 bits, no one’s seen Pinkie Pie in a week. So, way to go, Princess! You did it. I was going to spend my stimulus on several low-yield government bonds as a show of my undying support, but now I think I’ll just buy a ton of gems to feed Spike and mail you back what comes out the other end. I hereby tender my resignation. Your Faithless Student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike finished transcribing her letter, and slammed the quill down happily. “Yeah, way to go, Twilight! That’ll show her.”
“Yeah, well, she has it coming after all the damage she’s done to Ponyville.” Twilight headed up the stairs to get ready for bed.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to gorge myself on all those gems!” he said, excitedly following her.
“Cram it, Spike, we’re spending the money on books.”
