I'm freaking out here, darling!!!
All was well in the Equestrian capital of Canterlot. The sun had risen on schedule, and there were, presently, no rampaging monsters, unleashed artifacts of doom, or foals on holiday to ruin the cheerful atmosphere of the most beautiful city in the world.
And, on such an auspiciously good morning, Princess Twilight Sparkle, reigning sovereign of Equestria, Princess of Friendship, and everypony’s second-favorite pony on the new currency (losing narrowly to Derpy Hooves, who wound up printed on every Bit by complete accident), decided that she would spend a lovely few moments of her, rarely, peaceful schedule to drink normally-lethal amounts of her favorite coffee, eat a bagel, and do some crossword puzzles.
In addition to her delectably bland breakfast -- a treat, considering how many Prench-trained chefs employed at the palace would throw themselves out the window if they’d caught her drinking a non-espresso for her morning caffeine -- Twilight had taken extra precautions to make sure this morning was perfect. She’d ordered a changeling member of the Guard to go undercover at her preferred newspaper, so the delivery could be sent up in a TOP SECRET file instead of getting tied up in Security for two days. She’d sent Spike off to deal with that awful equinitarian crisis in Hippoborea, ensuring less-capable and less-prompt servants would be delayed in delivering her frightfully boring, but unimportant paperwork for the day.
And, she’d gotten that automatic-sharpening spell to work on her pencil drawer, finally. So, Twilight now had an entire drawer of pre-sharpened pencils, to do her crossword without any delay!
There was a slight delay, after all was said and done. The drawer, itself, had been sharpened. She truly hoped the blood would eventually come out of the carpet. Those had been installed back in the 300’s by the legendary Persian Rug, after all, as a personal gift to Celestia.
But, once that was settled, Twilight Sparkle was free… free! Free to complete her most wonderful of distracting mental hobbies.
“Hmmm,” she hummed to herself, a pencil stuck in between her teeth as she tackled the very first word, “A five-letter word referring to highly theatrical, or emotional developments…”
Ironically, it was at this very moment that the large, purple double-doors to her private apartments slammed open with the force of a detonating bomb. The force of the slamming doors rattled everything on every shelf, though Twilight’s remarkable foresight in casting Dewy Decibel’s Decimation Reducer spell kept everything from falling off anything else, thankfully.
Several badly shaken guards and servants lay concussed in the hallway beyond, with the perpetrator of this heinous act standing before the open doors, fire and ice flashing in her crystal blue eyes.
“Twilight!” Rarity cried out, her voice a strange blend of rage, terror, despair, and acting-talent, “I’m pregnant!”
“Ah,” Twilight clicked her tongue, and made the necessary addition to her crossword, “Drama…”
“Twilight, I’m pregnant!” Rarity repeated, voice straining as she charged into the room.
Twilight shook off the crossword-denied fugue state she was in danger of slipping into, and threw her dear friend the brightest, most supportive smile at her disposal. It didn’t hurt that it was genuine, to boot.
“Congratulations, Rarity! I can’t believe…”
The Alicorn felt two hooves plant a death-grip on her shoulders, and she was quickly whirled about to face a startingly distressed fashionista.
“TWILIGHT!!!” her pupils, though the size of pinpricks now, locked onto Twilight’s own with the same iron-grip her hooves were somehow managing, “I… am… PREGNANT!”
“Yes, I heard,” Twilight said, a little less sure of how happy she was supposed to sound at the news. Regardless, she latched onto Rarity’s hooves with her purple magic and tried to, gently, remove them before her shoulders gave out.
Rarity, not noticing her friend’s struggle, continued as if nothing happened. “Do you have any idea how this has ruined my life!?”
Twilight finally extricated herself, and raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Um… nnnno?” she said, slowly, with a little squeak at the end.
With a gasp, Rarity threw herself from Twilight’s favorite eating nook, and landed fully-stretched out onto a fainting divan. One Twilight hadn’t even seen put in.
“It’s all o-o-o-over…!” she wept, one hoof raised to her forehead, another placed tentatively over her stomach.
Twilight rolled her eyes at this display. To be sure, this was a far better sight than if Rarity wasn’t engaging in histrionics. The more ridiculous the display of emotion, the more likely it was Rarity was just in the throes of a dramatic moment, and the more sensible side of her, the part that had fashioned* a business empire, would come out soon enough.
*The princess was incredibly proud of that joke. It was almost Pinkie-Tier (going by her standardized humor delineation system).
“Rarity,” she put on her most supportive voice, in the hopes that a calm tone would buy Rarity time to come back to her senses, “A baby isn’t going to ruin your life. It’s going to enhance it.”
“Au contraire!” the marshmallow-white unicorn waved one hoof pitifully in the air, “Have you any idea what goes into running a Fashion Empire, darling?”
She took the moment of silence that followed to flip over onto her stomach, rustling around until she faced Twilight once more, and began counting on her hooves.
“I am constantly in transit, Twilight, in order to check up on individual stores, meet and greet at important functions, both business-related and to help you and the girls run this nation,” she gave Twilight a knowing look with that one, “to make certain my Rarity-Standards are being met at the workshops and individual boutiques, and to find inspiration for my next big creation!”
“The first thing we learned about running this nation, together,” Twilight chided, “was the whole Swan Ceremony. Why don’t you just delegate more?”
Rarity paused, but pushed on anyway, “Regardless, I am not delegating my Passion, darling. Too many chefs, as Pinkie says.”
She tilted her head back, locking eyes with… something ephemeral and most likely not Twilight’s wallpaper.
“I couldn’t imagine letting everypony who works for me down,” Rarity took a softer, less accusatory tone, “Would you tell Applejack to stop bucking her trees?”
Twilight nodded, firmly, “Yes. It’s practically my complimentary whenever I write her a letter. You could always scale down your involvement, stick to the design work while you let a few trusted friends manage the business aspect?”
Rarity’s muzzle scrunched up at the thought, though she didn’t directly deny the idea, either. Then, she seemed to come to her next point, swapping which hoof was being pointed at as she counted her reasons.
“Well, that’s all well and good, my dear, but how long would such an arrangement last? You have the luxury of eternity…”
‘At the moment,’ Twilight silently mulled.
“… but us mortal ponies can’t just drop our businesses for two decades at a time!”
Twilight shook her head again, “Rarity, after some maternity leave, and maybe a hoof-full of easy years, you could be back to mostly the same schedule. Tons of mares manage to balance an active work, social, and family life!”
“If you haven’t noticed,” Rarity flipped her mane in an authoritative manner, “I am a Perfectionist! If something is to be done, it is to be done correctly. If I am to be a mother, I shall be the best mother my foal has ever seen!”
“Uh…”
“Yes, yes,” Rarity pinched the space between her eyes, “I know what I said. My point, darling, is that I don’t think I can do both at once! And I’ll not subject my foal to a full-time nanny. Why go through the process if I’m not to have him or her myself?”
This just made Twilight’s face scrunch up in confusion.
“But, Rarity… it’s not like you’ll be alone…”
“I am alone!”
“Biologically impossible,” Twilight chuckled, which only drew a dark frown from her friend, “So… who’s the father?”
“Darling,” Rarity folded her forelegs in front of her, and gave a little ‘harumph’, “What part of alone did you not hear?”
The princess narrowed her eyes, and quirked her head to one side.
“But…” she tapped her chin in thought, “But that’s not… Starlight never tried to splice your DNA with a starfish or something…?”
“I don’t know how it happened!” Rarity flipped to her side, and partially leaned off her couch, “One day, I started feeling ill in random bouts. When I had it checked with the doctor, they told me I was a few weeks along!”
“Well,” Twilight shook her head, “Who did you… um, hang out with before then…?”
Rarity’s frown intensified. “What kind of mare do you take me for!?”
“Apparently, a pregnant one,” Twilight blurted out, before quickly clasping her hooves across her mouth.
“Twilight!” Rarity glared, and raised her head up high, “That is precisely the problem! As a Lady, I have been of the utmost care and discretion in… such matters. And I am telling you, I have had zero relations with anypony that might have resulted in this predicament. But that doesn’t matter to the ones who drive the Fashion Industry. My reputation will be in tatters…”
As Rarity sank back down into a silent sob, Twilight’s ears perked up. Something about what her friend had just said…
“Rarity?”
“Y-yes, darling?”
“Any… pony?”
“…”
“Spike was awfully late getting in a few days ago…”
Rarity shot up to all fours, one hoof jabbing directly at the princess, her voice a venomous hiss. “Just what are you implying!?”
Twilight snorted with barely constrained laughter.
“Twilight,” Rarity scowled threateningly, “I shall not stand to be mocked by a friend!”
“Relax, Rarity,” Twilight ruffled her wings to get the last of her giggle-energy out, “It’s not like no one suspected you two.”
“I…” Rarity blushed, yet remained standing firm, “I-I don’t know what you mean…”
Twilight shot her friend a raised, suspicious eyebrow, “Rarity? The whole court saw you kissing Spike just a few weeks back. Remember when…?”
“Yes, yes!” Rarity collapsed back onto the couch, and blew out a raspberry, “I get it. I was hoping everycreature would just… sort of… not notice. Or, chalk it up to chaste, chivalric appreciation for Spikey’s attempt at saving me from that wretched Cozy Glow…”
Both mare shivered, just a little, at the close call they'd had when Cozy had last got free of her stone prison. Good thing that was all resolved and done with...
“Spike also talks in his sleep,” Twilight grinned, “Mostly, it’s about food, O&O, or gems… but he always comes back around to you…”
“Uggh!” Rarity snorted, and then buried her face into her hooves to hide the growing blush, and happy smile, that threatened her foul mood, “He can be so romantic some days…”
The fashionista inhaled a deep, calming breath, and instantly regained her composure. “Still,” she said, slowly, her voice edging away from fake indignation and anger to something far less dramatic, and far more heartbreaking, “That’s the worst part about all of this.”
She looked up to Twilight, craning slightly to meet the taller pony’s eyes, “Spike will be devastated. Unless I can… I can explain this, he’ll think I betrayed him. I… Twilight, I cannot break his heart. Not like this. Not ever…”
Twilight smiled, softly. Looking down into her dear friend’s watery gaze, she couldn’t help but silently relive a few, choice moments in her life that involved Rarity. And, she reflected on how the unicorn’s heart was so full, and so willing to give.
In the end, it wasn’t that her business might suffer from her absence, but that she might not be able to devote herself wholly to her foal, that drove Rarity’s fears. And it wasn’t a fear of her reputation being destroyed, not really. It was the fact that the one being in this world that meant the world to her, in a way that no other could, might think less of her for something she couldn’t explain.
And so, Twilight reached out with a wingtip, and gently dabbed away Rarity’s growing tears. She leaned down close, and whispered something to her with a smile as genuine as the one she held when she’d first congratulated her friend on her happy news.
She said, “Spike is the father.”
“… I beg your pardon?” Rarity’s eyes almost crossed with a sudden swell of confusion.
“Spike,” Twilight said again, still softly, “Spike is the father.”
“Now don’t be silly,” Rarity half-turned away, and frowned, “I came to you with serious concerns, and I shan’t be made fun of, as I said…”
“I’m not making fun of you…”
Rarity snarled back, quick as a whip, “Oh, but you are! You know perfectly well that ponies and dragons cannot have children together! You gave a lecture on it once. Spike and I talked, at length, about it when we first… when we first were together…”
Her eyes, still sparkling, had taken on a distant look, as though she were seeing ghosts and phantoms play out before her, and her voice had become so wistful, Twilight could almost feel her own tears building up.
Then, Rarity’s focus returned, sharp as ever. “So, don’t you dare pretend that could be anything other than a pleasant, if impossible, fantasy.”
It was then that Twilight’s mind seemingly… tripped. Rarity noticed it, with her keen eye for detail. It was like watching two carriages sideswipe one another in the middle of a busy intersection. A simply, jarring disruption of continuity.
It almost looked like Twilight was… panicking? Rarity’s incredulous look all but confirmed how that strange look on Twilight’s face must have been.
Haven’t seen a proper Twilighting in moons…
“But…” Twilight scowled, and then bit her tongue. She tilted her head to one side, her eyes seemingly lost trying to focus directly on Rarity, but with little success.
She worked her muzzle in multiple directions, and her tail fitfully swept side-to-side behind her.
Finally, though… a little light seemed to come back on.
“Oh, no…” she sighed, her eyebrows furrowing deeply.
“Darling, you’re going to get wrinkles…”
“Oh… no…” Twilight shook her head. Then, she looked back to Rarity, and tried several times to say something.
Eventually, she got somewhere. “Spike is the father.”
“Darling…” Rarity began, a scowl reforming, but was stopped by a purple hoof in front of her face.
“Spike…” Twilight winced, “… is a magic dragon.”
Rarity blinked. “And…?”
“He’s a magical dragon,” Twilight repeated, as if that answered anything.
“Twilight, darling,” Rarity said, still uncomprehending, “I know he’s magical.”
“Rarity…?” Twilight fidgeted, “Do you and Spike use… protection?”
Rarity looked about ready to slap the princess right then and there… but something in Twilight’s tone, that worried look on her face, told her to hold back.
“No, we… we don’t,” she said, a little worry… or perhaps nerves of another sort… adding a pitch to her voice, “It’s… it’s impossible anyway… right?”
Twilight pursed her lips. And then, with a deep breath, she decided that she’d held onto that particular secret a bit too long.
“You know the story of how I hatched Spike,” she said, not even questioning if Rarity recalled the moment she and the other girls all became destined to become friends, “But… one detail that even I didn’t know at the time… was that I wasn’t supposed to pass my entrance exam into Celestia’s school.”
“You… weren’t?” Rarity gawked.
Twilight shook her head, “Nope! It was a test of character. To see how I handled failure. It…”
She took another breath.
“… it wasn’t even a real egg.”
“… what…?”
“It was plastic,” Twilight continued, “I… for all intents and purposes… I made Spike. He’s a magic dragon. I suppose the magical fire breath should have tipped me off sooner, but Celestia didn’t want her new, young, student to start things off with an existential crisis, so…”
“How…?” Rarity shook her head, hard, as if to dispel whatever shock had latched onto her thoughts, “How does that…?”
Twilight smiled, “Well… in a weird way… he’s got a lot of pony in him, in more ways than one. Being so magical… it tends to break how things normally work. If I had to guess, his… love for you could have caused the usual rules to… be suspended.”
Rarity slowly sat back down into her couch cushions. Her eyes had unfocused again, staring once more at things only she could see. Twilight almost… almost laughed at the expression.
“So…” Rarity’s voice was very far away, “He… he really is the father…”
With a blink, Rarity refocused on her hooves.
“But… his duties here are too important,” she whispered, though not in as convincing a manner as she probably hoped, “I… I cannot ask him to stay at home. Or, to watch over a child while I galivant about…”
Twilight’s eye sparkled, just then. With a mischievous smile that almost made her look like her younger self once again, she leaned down as close to Rarity’s ear as she could.
And, with utmost seriousness, she whispered, “I know it took a while… but it would seem you’ve found your Prince Charming.”
That did it.
What started as a quiet, shuddering sensation in Rarity’s hooves quickly rose up through her whole body… until a peel of laughter tore its way out of her. She laughed, heartily and gaily, as she thrashed about atop her fainting couch. Tears of unbridled joy nearly threatened her makeup, as the white unicorn’s heart truly began to boil over.
She and Twilight giggled together, in the early morning light, for what felt like a little eternity.
But, at last, Rarity had regained a modicum of composure to herself. She quickly checked her mascara, and her blush. And then, without any more warning, she threw herself at her friend for the biggest hug she could manage.
“Oh, thank you, Twilight!”
Twilight laughed back, “Oh? What for?”
“For… for reminding me who I loved,” she smiled again, and gave Twilight a quick nuzzle.
Then, Rarity pulled away and made to leave.
“Do tell Spikey Wikey, when he returns from… wherever,” she said as she practically skipped out of the room, “that I wish to have a word with him!”
“He should be back later tonight,” Twilight said, beaming at the sight of her friend’s happiness.
Rarity paused at the door, and looked back to the princess, “Excellent! Oh… and should I start calling you, Mother, from now on?”
Twilight’s smile didn’t necessarily lessen. But, it did, suddenly, become quite waxen and strained, under the right lighting conditions.
“No.”
Rarity shrugged, “Well, alright, darling. Take care!”
Twilight watched her go… and then sighed.
“It had to happen eventually, I suppose,” she said to herself, her smile softening, “Took them long enough. Now… where was I?”
She turned back to her beloved crossword puzzle, and began reading the next clue.
“2 Across,” she read out loud, “Two words… Nine letters… a joke which disappears, only to tell its punchline later. Huh…? I wonder if that’s…?”
A guard, at that very moment, leapt through the open doors into the room. The white pegasus mare was panting, and shaking all over.
“Princess!” she cried, “The kitchens are on fire, Prince Spike is reporting that the Hippoboreans are under attack from a demonic invasion, and Pinkie Pie has somehow transformed into a monster known only as Nightmare Cake!”
The whole palace shook, lightly, as though something rather large had just struck it. Once again, the DDDR spell saved her shelves and possessions from requiring yet another sorting later.
Twilight, with the practiced air of a divine sovereign, cast one, forlorn glance at her crossword puzzle. She quickly scratched in the answer for ‘2 Across’, sighed, and then stood up with a huff.
“…’kay…” she pouted.
At least the weather’s good…
Author's Note
The answer to '2 Across' happens to be:
Brick Joke 
This is a silly story written in about a day. Don’t mind me.
