Luna and the CMC: Bar Buddies

by Jinzou

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 2674

Princess Luna invites the CMC to drink with her. The CMC can't handle their alcohol.

Princess Luna invites the CMC to drink with her. The CMC can't handle their alcohol.

Art drawn by Bean

Published 2020-04-30 14:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-30 14:20:02 UTC

Luna is a Terrible Role Model

"Ah just still can't believe we finally got our marks today!" Applebloom shouted excitedly, punching the air and shaking the wagon she was riding in.

"I know, right?" Sweetie Belle smiled from next to Applebloom. "I keep expecting to wake up and find out it was all just a dream."

"It's really about time we got them too. I was thinking we were never gonna get them." Scootaloo joked.

It was almost time for the sunset. Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom had spent that last few hours at their own cuteceñera, and were thoroughly partied out. They told their sisters they needed some air and time to take it all in, and their sisters told them to be back at Scootaloo's house by morning, after which Rainbow would bring the other two fillies home. So Scootaloo had hitched the old wagon they used to use to her scooter, and the three had taken off into the quickly oncoming night.

They hadn't decided to go anywhere specifically, electing to just follow Scootaloo wherever she took them. Scootaloo elected to aimlessly wander around Ponyville.

"Ah still can't believe our sisters are just letting us stay out all night too" Applebloom shouted again.

"Well, I can kinda see why," hummed Sweetie Belle. "They all know that getting our marks is a life-changing event, and that we probably just want to spend the night together to kinda let it sink in, and plan out our future together. I mean, I've never heard of three ponies getting roughly the same mark at the same time before. The last time a bunch of ponies got their marks at the same time they became the Elements of Harmony, so we're probably pretty special too."

"Right!" replied Scootaloo. "And I mean, what trouble are we gonna get into? We're still too young to drink, and I haven't crashed my scooter in like... a week and a half!"

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged worried glances.

"I wonder if..." Scootaloo started, but then suddenly hit the breaks and gasped. "Is that Princess Luna?"

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both loud out a loud gasp as they saw what Scootaloo saw. The Princess of the Night was indeed there, stumbling out an outhouse next to "Ponyville's Premier Bar and Grill".

"And is she drunk?" Questioned Applebloom.

Unfortunately for them, it sounds like Luna heard Applebloom say that. She turned to face them and paused, squinting her eyes so she could attempt to recognize the ponies in front of her.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!" Luna got on two legs, shouting in her Royal Canterlot Voice. "Come hither for a THOUSAND conquering cheers as we commemorate the turning of age!"

"Yes. Yes she is." Sweetie Belle responded dryly.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders figured hanging out with an obviously inebriated adult was probably not the smartest choice, but considering that adult was a Princess, and had given them a direct order, they cautiously trotted over the Luna.

"Your Rainbow Dash hath informed me of this establishment!" Luna boomed. "She said it was a great place to 'hang out and chillax'."

Scootaloo suppressed a snort.

"We wish to commemorate your momentous achievements in dismantling the trials put ahead of you as thus!" Luna contained as the CMC reached her. "You shall follow thusly as we celebrate the turning of age!"

Luna landed back on all four hooves and marched regally into the bar, leaving behind three confused and slightly scared fillies.

"Is she... asking us to drink with her?" Sweetie Belle finally managed after a few moments. "Because if so, I don't think this is really a good idea."

"Ah agree." Applebloom shuddered. "Ah once broke into the Apple family's cider storage and got a lil' tipsy. Ah don't think I've ever seen Applejack as angry as she was when ah stumbled into her room instead of mine by accident."

"But we were invited by an actual Princess." Scootaloo reasoned. "It's not like we can just ignore that. And besides, if Luna is actually willing to get us drinks, we can just have a few and head home! Rainbow Dash is watching over me tonight and I can probably worm my way out of trouble with her. Especially considering Luna is here on her recommendation! And we can stop after a few... glasses, or cups, or whatever."

The other two Crusaders didn't look too convinced, but agreed to follow Scootaloo inside. The bar itself didn't look too interesting. There was a bartender behind his bar on the right. There were some circular tables with bar stools scattered about, and on the left wall were a couple of booths, several occupied by stallions and mares of different levels of inebriation. In the far corner there was one round booth where they spotted Princess Luna, who waved them over excitedly.

The fillies all clambered into the round booth next to Luna. Scootaloo sat immediately to Luna's right, then Applebloom, and finally Sweetie Belle. Luna waved over the bartender, who froze in place as he spotted three fillies.

"Another round!" Luna boomed.

"Of course, Princess." The waiter responded smartly. He turned to the Crusaders. "And what for the three of you?

"Another round for them too! It is their trial day!" Luna shouted with glee.

"P-princess, we aren't allowed to serve alcohol to minors." The bartender nervously stated.

"You deny them victory on their day of passing their trials? And disobey a princess? I could have you gelded for less!" Luna yelled, suddenly enraged. "ANOTHER ROUND GOOD SIR!"

The bartender swallowed nervously, and upon getting apologetic smiles from the fillies, returned to the bar. Several bargoers decided now would be a great time to leave, to not get affiliated with the oncoming crimes.

"And bring back more of these fries!"

"Um, Princess Luna..." Sweetie Belle started nervously. "He's kinda right. We're too young to drink."

"Bull-scutter!" Shouted Luna in response.

"Wha-"

"Utter tommy-rot!" Luna bellowed. The Crusaders wondered if she was just making phrases up now. "Back in my time, when a pony received their mark, they would show their coming of age in a duel! If more than one mark was received on that day, those ponies would all be dropped in the woods, and forced to defeat a beat, such as a manticore or timberwolf. AND THEN THEY WOULD DRINK TO CELEBRATE!" Luna's voice finally dropped. "Only problem is, my dearest sister has told me it's improper to throw ponies to wild animals, especially children. Something about mortality rates being too high."

Both the stories and the Princess' random tone shift had the fillies' jaws hitting the floor.

"But we can still drink!" Luna shouted again.

The bartender came back with a tray with four mugs of cider on it, as well as a basket of fries. He passed a mug to each pony, then placed the basket in the middle of the table. He awkwardly shuffled off, looking around nervously.

There was a veritable silence. The fillies looked around awkwardly, unsure of what to do. They were interrupted by Luna banging a hoof down on the table, lifting her mug with her magic. "To the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" She grinned.

Sweetie lifted her mug with magic as the other two fillies managed with just their hooves. They all clinked their mugs together, and with a final nervous look shared among the three of them, took a sip.

It was warm, and had a sort of unfamiliar feeling none of the Crusaders could put to words. They set their mugs on the table and looked at Luna, who had already downed her mug and was searching for the little ketchup cup to go with their fries. There was unfortunately no ketchup cup. Truly a high crime amongst ponykind.

"I feel... really neat." Scootaloo yawned. "It's like there's a cloud in my brain. Is this what being drunk is like?"

"Scoots, you have to try this!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed, pushing a tall glass toward the pegasus. The glass had a long thin neck, and at the top split into a wide circle. Adorning the top of the glass was what looked like salt. The liquid inside was a bright green. "Luna says it's called a martini! This one is made from apples!"

Scootaloo took a sip and immediately scrunched her face up at the strong alcoholic taste. "Mmm, that's... good!" She lied, much preferring the cider. But she was a tough pegasus. Tough pegasi could drink hard drinks and not care. She had to not care. "Here Applebloom, why don't you try?"

Applebloom was the most relaxed she had been in her life. She finally understood why her family made so many bits during cider season. Taking the glass from Scootaloo, she downed it in one gulp.

"Oh my stars that's incredible!" She exclaimed. "What did you say this was called?"

Sweetie Belle gazed up at Luna for confirmation. Luna had long since passed the wild part of being drunk and was content with just sitting there, watching the fillies have fun and spacing out. "It is called an 'Appletini', little one." She said slowly.

"They're great!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "Can we get some more?"

"And that's why I think that -hic- we should reduce the party tax and maybe invest in more long term ideologies." Sweetie Belle hiccuped. "Liiiiike... I mean take Flusther... Fullter... Fluttershy. She runs an entire sanctuary, AND an animal shelter, and barely gets paid enough to survive off of. Truly a pulchritudinous pony. I get that parties are important for overall morale, and that party ponies are well subsidized by the government, but the fact that they've levied such an high tax price on us just exacerbates the rest of the issues the town's facing. I mean it took forever for the town to drum up the paper to fix the town hall. Plus, vis-à-vis all the monster attacks, we really should invest more in a reserve fund for rebuilding the town the next time it gets dismantled, right?"

Luna nodded thoughtfully at the filly's tangent. Applebloom's mind was currently on another planet. Scootaloo just stared at her unicorn friend without comprehension.

"Appleblo- I mean Sweetie Belle, I know you like big words but I didn't understand a thing you just said." Scootaloo drooled.

Sweetie Belle flopped onto the table, laying her forelegs and head down flat against it. "Pinkie Pie gets paid too much and it's causing problems for the rest of the town."

"Oooh, okay." Scootaloo responded, wiping her mouth and taking another drink from her mug. She'd lost track of how many times it had been refilled. She stopped counting after three.

Applebloom peered blearily around the table and gazed at the seventh empty ketchup cup. How was she supposed to cure her alcohol induced cravings with the sweet potato-y wonder of Prench fries without any ketchup? But she wasn't at the end of the table, so she couldn't just get out. Her mind pondered this deep question for Celestia knows how long, before simply sliding down her seat and flopping to the floor under the table. She headed for the side bar, where one got the sweet ketchup-y delight, and ended up stumbling straight into it. She shook her head roughly, made another ketchup cup, and walked back to her seat. Forgetting how she got out, she walked roughly over Sweetie Belle's body, trying not to step on her. Sweetie Belle squeaked when Applebloom failed.

"Ah got us more catsup girls!" She announced proudly.

Scootaloo turned her head and looked at Applebloom with glassed-over eyes. "AB... your ketchup is yellow."

And so it was. The world had decided to play a cruel trick on the three fillies, and instead of having ketchup in the mustard box, there was mustard. This must obviously be the evil machinations of a being most foul!

"IIIIII got it~" Sweetie Belle sang, attempting to dismount the seat and ending up falling flat on her face. She let out a small "oof" and laid there a few seconds, trying to remember what happened. When she did, she walked over to the side bar and magically put some ketchup in a small plastic cup. Walking very slowly, she made it back to the table, and tried to set it down next to the fries. Instead, she set it down at the edge of the table between Scootaloo and Applebloom.

"You know what really bugs me though?" Scootaloo started. "Birds. Like, are they even real? Like they're weird not pegasi thingies that can fly with their wings, and they sing better than I do. That's not fair." Scootaloo slammed her hoof down on the table with a sniff. "At least I can dance better."

Sweetie Belle stood up, ambled over Applebloom, and tried to wrap her pegasus friend in a hug, but only managed to grab her left forehoof and fall in her lap, gently poking Scootaloo in the stomach with her horn. "Owww." Sweetie complained, despite not having felt pain at all.

Applebloom, in the meantime had matched eyes with Princess Luna, and challenged her to a hoof wrestle. Her pride as an earth pony and as an Apple was on the line. She couldn't bow down in the face of adversity. Applebloom linked hooves with the princess, and upon calling "go", had obliterated her. Failing to hear any actual cheers, Applebloom mimicked some. It was a good well earned victory. She could take this story home and regale her eventual grandchildren in the tale of the time she beat a princess in a hoof wrestle.

Scootaloo wondered how this unicorn had ended up in her lap. With a herculean effort, she managed to look down.

"Sweetie Belle, when did you get here?" She asked hazily.

"I've been here since before time immemorial." Sweetie Belle said mysteriously, before rolling off Scootaloo's lap and landing on the floor with a soft oof.

Not even a minute later the bar door opened softly. A yellow pegasus walked through, swiftly followed by a cyan pegasus, who immediately stopped and rubbed her eyes to make sure they weren't lying to her.

At the end of the bar sat the Princess of the Night, foreleg in foreleg with Applebloom singing Sapphire Shore's "Serves Her Right" extremely off-key.

Next to her was Scootaloo, looking especially sad and pathetically waving her front hooves at something on the floor below her.

Below her on the floor, Sweetie Belle had wrapped herself around the metal pole holding the table up, and proceeded to look at Fluttershy with a vacant expression.

Fluttershy felt her jaw hit the floor.

"Ful- Fol- Flusterhi!" Sweetie Belle called, recognizing the pegasus before waving happily at her. "I was just talking about you earlier!"

The cyan pegasus looked around and spotted a nervous looking bartender. She shut her jaw tightly, and felt the familiar feeling of anger swelling up as she marched over to him.

"Why the hay do I see three drunk fillies here?" She asked, gritting her teeth

"Luna threatened to geld me if I didn't feed them all alcohol." He muttered meekly.

Fluttershy took a deep breath as she brought her hoof up to her face. Rainbow stared at him with a look halfway between confusion and anger.

"Okay." Rainbow Dash started. "I'm going to go get my friend Princess Twilight to help these fillies home and send a letter to Princess Celestia. Fluttershy, you stay here and make sure none of these fillies leave either, okay?"

Fluttershy simply nodded as Rainbow Dash turned around. The bartender decided to try his luck.

"If you don't incriminate me to Celestia, and just tell her her sister is drunk, I can offer you and your friends free drinks for life!"

Rainbow Dash stopped, a smile slowly creeping up her face.

"Keep talking."

Author's Note

I don't know why I decided to write this, but I regret nothing.

Also Sweetie Belle has a way bigger vocabulary than me, and she's like... ten or something. :unsuresweetie: