Evening the Odds

“How much farther is it?” squeaked Sweetie Belle.

Her father, Hondo Flanks, stopped and looked up at the mountainside above them. A deep snow covered the trunks of the trees. He glanced along the trail they were following. He thought the trail was there, at least. He’d hiked this route many times in past years, but never when the trail was covered in three feet of snow. He looked back at his daughter, her ivory coat almost invisible against the snow.

“We should be almost there,” Hondo replied, hoping he wasn’t lying as he continued to press onward.

“Oh, good,” Sweetie’s sister complained, following right behind him. “This snow is simply abhorrent. It is going to ruin my hiking dress!”

“Rarity, a hiking dress is the most impractical thing I’ve ever heard of,”.her mother, Cookie Crumbles, scolded. “I respect that you want to make it in the fashion world, but a large part of fashion is knowing when fashion doesn’t matter.”

“Fashion always matters,” Rarity rebuked her mother.

Hondo shook his head as they came around another bend. The last thing he intended to do was get involved in a fight between two of the three most important mares in his life. He stopped as a wide, flat area devoid of trees revealed itself, and a wide, icy lake beyond that. Finally, they would be able to stop. He raised his hoof and pointed.

“Look,” he shouted. “There’s our campsite.”

In truth, Hondo wasn’t sure where they were, but he knew if they continued much further, his family would mutiny. But, if this was the same lake they had set out for in the first place - one he had been to plenty of times before - it didn’t look familiar at all.

The rest of the afternoon had been spent setting up their camp, after which the siblings had gone out on the lake to ice skate. Hondo peered over at his wife, who was gazing out across the ice, covered by a light dusting of snow that was almost completely unblemished.

The setting sun cast orange and red light across the mountainside. “It’s beautiful, Hondo,” Cookie murmured. “You were right. It was worth the hike. I can’t believe I considered staying home and missing out on this.” The campfire next to her had a kettle set to boil, finally calling out a hiss of steam.

Hondo settled in next to his wife, smiling as he watched his daughters spin and slide around on the lake, illuminated by the brilliant display of color. “I know. And tomorrow, we will have some of the best ice fishing we’ve ever had.”

Cookie grimaced; she didn’t care for fishing, but it was her husband’s passion. “I’m sure it will be lovely,” she replied.

Sweetie Belle slid off the lake and stomped her way awkwardly over to the campfire, the blades of her boots sinking into the snow. “You should join us out on the lake,” she excitedly said as she took the kettle off the fire and set a tea bag in it. “Then we can skate as a family. It’ll be fun!”

Cookie and Hondo looked at each other and shared a shrug. It had been some time since they’d gone out and enjoyed a family activity like this and it was long overdue. After donning their own skates, the two parents stomped their way over to the edge of the lake and then slowly edged out onto the ice. It wasn’t long they were all laughing, spinning, and skating around another on the frozen lake.

Sweetie Belle eventually started trying to emulate some of the ice skaters she’d seen in the newspapers, jumping and spinning recklessly about the ice. She veered too close to her father, and her skate accidentally clipped his. The two went down to the ice, and the heavy weight of the pair suddenly slamming to the frozen surface was accompanied by a loud cracking sound as a massive chunk of ice began separating.

Rarity and Cookie watched in horror from a short distance away as cracks spidered out from their point of impact, quickly overtaking where they were standing. Before any of them dared to move and risk disturbing the ice further, a massive amount of ice gave way. All four of them held their breath, bracing for the possibly deadly cold of the frozen water beneath. Instead, they fell - far longer than would be expected - with no water below the ice to break their fall.

All four ponies landed with a whump on a soft surface, blocks of frozen ice bouncing around and away from them.. Far above, dim light from the hole in the ice shone down, providing scant illumination that revealed the almost unnaturally vertical walls of the lake bed. The softness they had landed in was a thick, dull yellow patch of a long-dead mossy plant material - apparently untouched by decay in the dry, cold chamber.

“Good heavens!” Cookie Crumbles cried out. “Is everypony alright?”

A small chorus of voices confirmed nopony was hurt.

“I’m fine, but it’s itchy!” Sweetie Belle complained, though too embarrassed to mention where the itch was. She bounded away from the mossy patch as best she could, and onto a nearby raised surface sticking out of the vegetation. Her skates caused her to stumble on the suddenly solid ground, and she face-planted, hard. A small trickle of blood ran from her nose as she sat back up. “Oww…”

“Sweetie, dear, are you alright?” Rarity shrieked, carefully making her way over to her sister.

Meanwhile, Hondo Flanks was looking up, evaluating their situation. The ice above was far too high to reach, and there were no openings along the massive walls that he could see. They were stuck in a giant hole under the lake - the lakebed was completely dry. Where had all the water gone? “I don’t think we’ll be able to climb back up,” he muttered.

His thoughts were disrupted as Rarity let out a gasp. “Gold!” she cried, pointing with a shaky skate at the surface Sweetie Belle was seated on. A solid gold slab, raised up only a few inches from the bottom of the lake bed. It was massive, with the far edges sinking into the bottom and sides of the lake bed.

“Well, it’s a good thing we didn’t land on that,” Cookie Crumbles muttered, dragging herself up onto the golden platform and removing her skates.

Hondo clambered up next and gasped at the blood running down Sweetie’s face. “Are you okay, Belle?” A drop of blood dripped onto the golden surface, which immediately began glowing with an aquamarine light.

The light slowly spread along unseen lines in the golden surface, and all of them scrambled away from the lines, afraid of whatever magic might have been activated. A massive mural slowly revealed itself as the lines continued to spread, revealing a surprisingly detailed image.

“That’s…” Cookie murmured, trailing off.

“An erect stallion.” Rarity finished, matter-of-factly.

The mural was so large that a pony could lay down within the outline of the stallion’s member, despite being to scale. When the glowing lines had finished outlining the entire image, a low rumbling shook the ground and the massive phallus sank into the ground at an angle, forming a weirdly erotic ramp down into the strange golden structure. Then, the glowing lines faded back to blend in again with the gold surface..

Hondo looked around at his family. All three mares were clearly apprehensive; Sweetie Belle was shaking, her eyes dilated. Rarity edged closer to Hondo’s side, while Cookie simply scooted away from the mural on her rump.

“Well, we don’t need to go down any further than we already have,” he said. “I’m going to look around for a way up.”

But it stayed in the back of his mind.

It didn’t take long before the sun had set. The lakebed had long grown dark, and a deathly cold had settled upon the family that was gathered around the strange golden penis-entrance. A pile of the strange, dead vegetation smoldered among the discarded, burning remains of sixteen ice skates - the results of their attempts at building a fire. It wasn’t enough heat to ignite the apparently fire-retardant moss. And the smell was terrible.

Cookie and Hondo were standing over the golden ramp, horns illuminated. Sweetie Belle was already shivering, wrapped in Rarity’s hooves as the two tried desperately to share their warmth.

“I know it’s creepy and weird, dear,” Hondo argued. “But we can freeze to death here hoping for help that might not ever come, or we can hope to find something in there. You can all wait here while I go check it out.” He pulled Cookie in for a kiss, momentarily stopping her trembling lips until he pulled away.

“Be careful,” Cookie cautioned as Hondo began his descent.

“Father, wait,” Rarity cried. “We’re coming with you. Sweetie Belle is freezing up here, and I fear it won’t be much longer for the rest of us.” Cookie opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by Rarity. “I know you’re scared, but don’t worry. I am no stranger to adventure, and really, neither is Sweetie Belle. We will be perfectly fine.”

Cookie closed her mouth and nodded meekly.

At the base of the ramp was a long hallway, devoid of any blemish or dust upon its pristine surfaces. The walls and ceiling were made of pure gold, while the floor was made of pure ivory. It was dead silent, save for the sound of their hoofbeats against the floor as they walked.

After about a minute of walking, the hallway opened into a massive antechamber. The far end of the room had a raised platform - perhaps eight feet high - that spanned most of the width of the room, with stairs at either end. Iron braziers sat at regular intervals along the edge of the raised platform, but they couldn’t see up onto the platform. The only hint that the room didn’t extend much further beyond it was the wall extending far up to the ceiling, which must have been twenty feet high.

Eight golden pillars supported the ceiling in pairs leading up to the platform, each with an iron sconce toward the center of the room. The pillars perfectly framed two large dark red gems that decorated the side of the platform - one in the center, and one to the left, as well as a third one that had presumably been on the right when it was built, but the platform had suffered extensive damage at some point and had partially collapsed there. Below the two jewels were small alcoves, large enough that a foal could stand in it. The one on the left had something in it. Between the pillars and much closer to them was a wide pit, filled with an unknown material.

The family of four stopped and gazed upon the room in awe. Whatever they had stumbled upon, it was incredible, even in the meager light of Hondo’s illumination spell.

“Woooooow.”
“This is incredible.”
“Amazing.”
“It’s just like one of Daring Do’s adventures.”

As if reacting to their voices, the sconces on the pillars lit up in magical fire, two at a time. After the last pair ignited, the braziers on the platform’s edge did the same, starting with the outer two and finishing at the center. With the sudden ignition of the flames, the chill in the room fled, rapidly heating the chamber to a pleasant warmth.

Hondo stared at the wide pit in the center of the room. In the light, it was much easier to see what was inside. Charred wood… and bones. He quickly made the decision to avoid drawing attention to it and hoped the others didn’t notice.

Meanwhile, the mares were gazing upon the walls. The light had made it clear that the walls were covered in artistic engravings. Dozens of scenes, engraved with thick, deep cuts. The murals depicted pornographic scenarios all the way around the chamber, some more perverse than others, and each one with a heavy emphasis on the sheer size of the stallion’s cock. Sweetie’s itch returned with a vengeance as she felt a blush rising to her cheeks.

They slowly trotted toward the platform, approaching the large red gems over the alcoves. As they got closer, the gem above the left side alcove began glowing with a brilliant crimson color, and the small lump in the alcove suddenly stood up - it was dark gray in color, but otherwise shaped like a featureless young pony.

“Welcome,” it boomed cheerfully, with a voice far too loud for its tiny size. “To the Temple of Carnal Self-Knowledge!”

“Carnal Self-Knowledge…?” Rarity repeated.

The creature ignored her, tilting its head and trotting around the family. A thin blue line of light erupted from its head, right where the eyes should have been, and passed over each of the family members in turn. When it was finished, it turned to Hondo.

“Have you explained the rules? You do have three very beautiful mares with you, if I do say so, but they deserve to know the rules.”

“You can keep your flattery,” Cookie snapped. “How do we get out of here?”

The creature stopped and turned to Cookie. “The exit opens for those who answer with the truth.”

“Answer what with the truth?” Cookie pressed.

“The questions. If you answer truthfully, the doors will open. If you do not answer with the truth, you will be unable to proceed until the answer you gave becomes the truth.”

Hondo couldn’t help but examine the creature in detail, trotting around behind it as it conversed with Cookie. Two ancient runes were marked on it. He had taken an ancient runecraft course in college, before he had met Cookie and decided that he didn’t want to pursue an archaeology degree: He knew those runes - one meant ‘slave’, and the other meant ‘truth’.

“You’re an automaton,” Hondo declared.

“A what?” Rarity and Sweetie Belle said in unison.

“An automaton,” it answered. “An artificial construct controlled by runic magic, to serve a singular purpose.”

“Can we trust it?” Cookie asked, glancing up at her husband.

Hondo nodded his head. “You can trust it. I remember these runes from college - it has been marked with ‘slave’, and ‘truth’. It has free will, but it cannot disobey the orders of its master, and though it may not tell the whole truth or refuse to answer a question, it cannot tell a lie. Automatons like this were used regularly before the unification. They made better laborers than unicorns, and were usually created to cultivate food or other labor-intensive tasks.”

“Sounds like a robot Applejack,” Sweetie Belle muttered. Rarity had to stifle a giggle. “Can I call it Jack?”

The automaton tilted its head. “Nopony has given me a name before.”

“Jack it is, then,” Hondo declared, smiling at his younger daughter.

“Okay, then, Jack,” Cookie grumbled. “What question do we have to answer to get out of here?”

Jack shook its head. “I cannot tell you right now.”

“Right now,” Hondo repeated. “Which means you can tell us some other time. When?”

“When all living ponies in the temple are standing on the circles, the question will be asked.” It gestured up toward the raised platform above.

Hondo trotted up the stairs to the upper level. Four squares, roughly three feet in each direction, sat in a diamond-shaped arrangement before a massive golden door. The squares were divided into two halves, and each half was covered in dots. If you were to look at the slabs while facing the golden door, the dots followed a pattern - on the right side, a single dot at the top, and then three dots beneath that - adding two additional dots all the way down to the bottom of the slab. On the left side, the top row was blank, but the second row had two dots, then four on the row below, and so on. In front of each of the squares was a small circle, barely larger than a pony. The circle nearest the door seemed to be made of gold, but the other three were a dull grey stone.

“I don’t understand,” Cookie said, staring at the slabs. “What does it mean?”

“Maybe it means ‘even’ and ‘odd’,” Sweetie offered. “Look: each row has a different number of dots. The left side are all even, while the right is all odd.”

“It certainly seems that way,” Hondo agreed.

“The gray stone clashes horribly with the ivory,” Rarity observed.

Hondo glanced at his eldest daughter and shook his head. Only Rarity would care so much about beauty in this situation, but her ability to see the beauty in things was a quality about her that he really admired.

The automaton spoke. “When you are ready, step on the circles to begin.”

“And what if we don’t?” Rarity demanded.

“You can take all the time you want. Nothing in this temple will bring you to harm. But be aware that there is no food and no water in this part of the temple. You will not survive. And this is the only exit.”

Hondo sighed in defeat. “The way we came in is blocked off. If the automaton says the only way out is through this door, then this is the only way out.”

“Will it be dangerous?” Cookie wondered aloud, her voice filled with worry.

“As I said, nothing in the temple will bring you to harm. The only danger you face is the potential harm inflicted on you by your fellow ponies. Not all ponies are prepared to handle the truth.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Is there something in this temple that might force us to hurt each other?” Hondo inquired.

“Any action you take against your fellow ponies is purely of your own will.”

Hondo glanced at his wife. Cookie nodded back, stepping onto the golden circle. Sweetie Belle followed suit, stepping onto one of the stone circles. Hondo followed her shortly afterward. Rarity held back momentarily before carefully stepping onto the final stone circle.

The edges of the circles began glowing with a soft blue light. The automaton also glowed with the same light.

“How many different dicks have you sucked off?” the automaton droned.

“What?” Cookie shouted, startled. “What business is that of yours?”

“It’s right there in the name,” Sweetie Belle argued. “The Temple of Carnal Self-Knowledge. It’s testing what you know about yourself. In carnal fashion.”

“Correct,” the automaton agreed.

“If you answer truthfully, the doors will open,” Rarity repeated to herself, her stress becoming visibly apparent.

“I’ve sucked one,” Hondo said out loud.

“Hondo!” Cookie glared at him. “Don’t crack jokes like that.”

“I’m not cracking a joke,” Hondo said defensively. “I went through an… experimental phase before we got together.”

Cookie fumed. “That’s not the sort of secret you keep from your wife, Hondo. I…”

“Mother,” Rarity chastised. “Father is just trying to get us out of here. Besides, I’ve...” she paused, still trying to recount all of her trysts in her head. “Jack, be a dear and tell me exactly what you mean by ‘sucked off’, please?”

Jack nodded. “To put a penis in your mouth and stimulate it to orgasm.”

“Then, zero,” Cookie blurted. “And I’ll ask you never to bring it up again.”

“Zero for me, too,” Sweetie Belle chirped.

Rarity stared at the ground, trying desperately to recount which stallions had managed to finish in her mouth and which ones had been too drunk to do so.

“Seventeen… I… I think,” she whispered.

“What was that?!” Cookie shrieked.

“It’s none of your business, mother!”

“Nooooooo~!” Cookie wailed. “I didn’t need to know that about my baby girl.” She turned away from Rarity and went to swoon into Hondo’s embrace… except Hondo had a half-cocked grin on his face. Her eyes flashed with anger. “And what are you laughing at?”

“Uh… nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’? Nothing about this situation is funny!”

Hondo held up his hooves in surrender. “Sorry, honey, I’m sorry.”

“You better be!” she snapped.

…

…

…

…

“The door hasn’t opened,” Sweetie Belle observed dryly.

“The door has not received your answers,” Jack replied.

“Wait, we answered the questions!” Cookie argued. “Why didn’t the door hear us?”

Jack gestured at square runed plates. “The answers must be given with the plates.”

“Even and odd,” Sweetie mumbled, looking at the patterns again. “Is zero an even number?”

“Zero is an even number,” Jack confirmed.

Sweetie Belle jumped onto the square plate, landing on the side with the even numbered rows. The dots glowed in the same blue that seemed to permeate the magic on the temple, and then a line engraved in the floor lit up, highlighting a massive rune on the door that matched the even Sweetie stood on.

“You mean I didn’t even need to say it?!” Rarity wailed. Hondo burst out laughing.

“HONDO!” Cookie screamed. “That is enough! That is your daughter!”

Hondo shook his head, stepping onto the odd numbered side of his square. Like Sweetie Belle’s, it glowed blue. The rune on the door faded, and a new one lit up - this one matched Hondo’s ‘odd’ number pattern.

Cookie stepped onto her ‘even’ rune, glaring at Hondo the entire time. The door glowed brighter for a moment, but the rune did not change.

Rarity grumbled a curse under her breath and stepped, uncertainly, onto the ‘odd’ rune. Once again, the rune on the door faded and the large ‘Even’ rune on the door illuminated again.

“All answers accounted for. Prediction Confirmed: Even,” Jack droned. The golden door slid upward, allowing the family to continue. “Please proceed to verification.”