My leaked shitposting folder

by Boof Man

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Death, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 2056

Random pony shit my surprisingly non-drug addicted mind has decided to conjur up from nothing.

Random pony shit my surprisingly non-drug addicted mind has decided to conjure up from nothing. Also, every new episode will be marked with an "E", "T", or "M" to signify their ratings because it'll all be random.

Why'd I bother? Well, I looked through my shitpost from a few years ago, and decided instead of drug addiction, I will become addicted to losing every single one of my poor brain cells to garbage humor and barely coherent references. Anyway, enjoy whatever the fuck this is I guess, or don't, I'm not Hitler or some shit.

In permanent hiatus due to a lack of original shitposting ideas. What a shame innit.

Published 2020-05-01 13:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-20 22:03:04 UTC

Ep. 1 Evil Moon and Sun horse battle or something (M)

Author's Note

Rated M for incoherent nonsense, read at your own discretion.

Ep. 1 Evil Moon and Sun horse battle or something (M)

The ground was ablaze with an uncontrollable fire, no grass remained, and neither did any tree or bush. Only grey ash falling from the sky, but never making contact with a white and orange horse person thing. It was protected with fire nation themed armor or something equally gay, and it’s eyes were almost like a bushfire in their own right. The general landscape around said horse was like hell, fires burning in the background appearing miles tall. Nobody knew why the fire was there really, I mean, you'd think the sun was trying to expand and engulf the entire solar system, but you'd be wrong! That was merely the white horse's, what's her name fuckin' Sunshine Baker or some shit? I don't remember, anyway, power to use the sun to fuck everyone's day up.

"Ahahahahaha, Equestria is finally destroyed! Nobody can be the ruler of this place except me! *Insert north korean clap track for dear leader, here* Whoops, didn't mean to make that last part so big, oh well. They then broke into the universe's most cringe dance it ever knew, the default fortnite flex used only by shitty ten year olds who couldn't 'borrow' their mom's credit card. Even the fuckin' music was there, somehow, and the universe began weeping in sorrow.

Suddenly, the giant ball of orange death and destruction was replaced by a big ass fuckin' rock, it's outline in black was some mysterious horned figure. Could it be anonymous is horny again? No wait! It's the luna in the moon, or however it goes. The stars began to vibe n' shit, and they broke out into a dance to counter the cringe queen burnt ass with music number #4 because I couldn't find anything.

The universe was no longer weeping, but was forced into solitary confinement in a spongy prison for weeping nonstop for one hour.

"Who dares use that cringy flex and music like an autistic spawn from hell?!" Boomed a booming voice from the giant boombox moon™️. The dark outline was gone, replaced by more white light n' shit. The blue horse nightmare thing then landed on a cloud.

"Alptraum-Mond! Ignore my sudden use of the Germeign language, face me like the true disgusting CoD quick scoping boomer you are!"

"Bitch, you're the boomer from the age of low-poly dungeon raiding boobs!"

"It's nostalgia! You wouldn't understand with your aim bots!"

"It's called skill dear relative! Nobody is better at being a 2009 attention whore on HorseTube than I am!"

"Skill?! You mean, the red dot that indicates everybody's location at real time that allows you to pull off five consecutive headshots in under 5 seconds?!"

"Yes!"

"Fuck you relative! You were never any fun to game with!"

"You're just admitting to being bad! Hah!"

"Come down here and fight me like a real biological female horse!"

"Not until I finish my giant ass bag of 'Moonitz™️' cheese crackers!"

"Fine! But if you don't save another bag for me, I'll sit on your face and tell mom you hit me!"

"Mom's dead retard!"

"Since when?! I had so many things I never got to tell her, like the lasagna that went missing was because I stuck it in my vagina!"

"Why admit that now?! I ain't fuckin' hungry anymore, what the fuck else did you stick up that nasty ass trap of yours?!"

"Only your favorite Wii remote!"

There was a screech of rage from the moon horse and a battle ensued. The moon started randomly getting closer and water began randomly rising around the flat world.

Moon horse struck first attempting to strike ~~colonial~~ burning death horse, but missed and accidentally created a mile wide and deep crater that immediately began filling with water, then evaporating as the giant death circle reappeared.

The hell sphere and evil white rock kept switching places, confusing absolutely nobody because everybody was already fuckin' dead. Eventually the resorted to striking each other with weapons fifty times their body size, as the autistic screeching continued.

"Why'd you have to desecrate little Moon Stick, you whorse?!" Luna Horse screamed in agony as they brought down a big ass tennis racket, cartoonishly squishing the white one as they sprung back to their original size and shape without harm.

"Because, I lied! I just wanted to beat your dumb moon ass for beating me in all those rigged CoD matches!" A giant nailed bat suddenly did the same to Nachtmerrie maan, before also springing back to their original size as if nothing happened.

"Admit it blood relative, you will never be Dirty Dan!"

"I am and always was Dirty Dan!"

"Liar! I'm Dirty Dan!"

"No I'm Dirty Dan!" They repeatedly went back and fourth as the world around them was kept in perpetual suffering. At least the universe was able to escape the insane-asylum.

Something something random filler to help make this episode 1000 words

Suddenly a random white figure appeared out of some random fuckin' portal that comes from who-knows-where. It was bipedal and strangely anonymous shaped, but it was clearly not horny or shouting racial slurs at minorities, so something was definitely wrong. Whatever the fuck it was, it either had no clothes or it's skin was it's clothes as a result of some freak experiment. It's eyes were just two black dots, and mouth was a single straight black line.

The two sisters ceased their world destroying bickering and stared at the abnormal figure, then turned into shitty two dimensional drawings as their facial features were forever etched in-place. Unable to open their mouths, the only sounds were muffled screaming as they ran around like headless chicken, until said-figure brought out a hammer. It was called the "Chaos destroyer-inator 3000", and it was swung violently at the relatives, only barely managing to escape in a few circumstances.

Unfortunately Sun Horse was the first to get hit and immediately turned to ash as a screeching ghost flew high into the burning sky. Moon Horse was then cornered and shared the same fate. The weird figure opened a portal and then left.

The End

Ep. 2 Do you have a loisance for interdimensional travel? (T)

Author's Note

Rated T for incoherent tiny interdimensional British horse swearing.

Ep. 2 Do you have a loisance for interdimensional travel? (T)

You are Anon, or at least, that's what you called yourself now that you've forgotten your own name. Your memories are hazy, almost as if they were all just part of a dream fleeing from your mind's focus. Everything was dark, with unfocused sounds of what seemed to be the clopping of hooves? That didn't feel right, you didn't know why it didn't, but a piece of you just knows on an instinctual level that it was an unfamiliar sound.

Curious, you cracked open an eye, immediately you noticed strange structures surrounding you, and a number of tiny technicolor equines as well. They were nearly three feet in height, at least, that's how it appeared to you while trying to pull yourself up. Many of them apparently decided to start backing away, a few even running off. You were dangerously close to causing a panic, but all you wanted to do was find out where you were.

The moment you tried to speak up is when all hell broke loose, and the crowd of tiny equines started running around screaming in a panic about a "monster". Rude... You thought to yourself as you brushed off some dirt from your jeans. It seemed as though they quickly barricaded themselves in the closest structure they could find, only peaking out of windows.

You decided to walk around for a bit, and took in a bit more of your surroundings. The road was made of well maintained cobblestone that fit evenly among each other, the buildings were small, at least in comparison to your full body height of about six feet, and the sky was spotless. Then out of the blue, a three foot tall equine that just came out of a toppled over trash bin riding a comically small tricycle appeared out of no where. They wore a uniform that reminded you of a certain country's police force, but you couldn't put your finger on what it was from.

"Oi, you there, stranger! Where's your interdimensional travel loisance?!" The male equine shouted while removing an eight inch long stick from his belt with a strange blue aura. "Well?! Where's your bloody loisance, eh?!" This was getting weird, and what was that about needing an interdimensional travel license?

"Silence your answer?! Well I'll show you for trespassin' on Equestrian grounds!" He suddenly got off the trike and flung it off somewhere as the equine began charging you. You really had no clue what was happening, but you didn't want to get beaten, so you ran. Once it seemed as though you lost the hostile pony, you hid in an alleyway behind a trash bin, wiping some sweat off your brow.

Then suddenly again, an equine in a police uniform emerged from the bin next to you, covered in garbage. "Oi, you there, stranger! Where's your bloody 'runnin' from police' loisance, eh?!" God here we go again... Springing back to your feet, you quickly left the shouting pony behind. "You can't run from the Canterlot Yard you bloody trespassin' ..." You couldn't hear the rest of his rant as you ran down the street.

As you were running, another one of them suddenly appeared out of a manhole shouting vulgarities at you, revealing the awful stench from his hiding place. Covering your nose, you didn't stop for a second, even when your lungs were screaming for air. Taking your phone out of your pocket, you tried to speed dial your friend Dave, but the phone didn't have service, which made sense now that you thought about it, there were no telephone poles or towers.

Finally stopping at a fountain after it seemed like nobody could pop out of no where anymore, you gasped for breath and splashed your face with the cold water. There was something, no, somebody beneath the surface. "Oi! Where's your fockin' loisance for that unidentified communications devoice'?!" He surfaced out of the water as you gasped in surprise, trying to keep running.

However, fate had other plans. Right as you were stammering to your feet, it seemed as if clones of the same brown pony in police uniform left every crack, trashbin, to even materializing out of thin air! They were all shouting in sync: "Oi, you there, stranger! Where's your interdimensional travel loisance?!" In a near deafening cacophony of British accents. There was no where left to run, they were all taking out sticks or threateningly wagging them at you as they crept closer.

"Where's your bloody fockin' loisance you wankah?!" They all shouted in a synchronized fashion once again, now lunging and jumping at you, and hitting you with their tiny sticks. Every strike against your bare skin didn't really hurt all that much, doing nothing more than sting a little, but damn you were getting hit a lot! You tried getting back up, but the sheer weight of hundreds of tiny vulgar ponies lying on top of you made that an impossible task.

You blacked out...

Celestia was wary of the recent reports from her interdimensional guards ponies, who for some reason call themselves simple police officers from a "Canterlot Yard", which didn't actually exist. The newest report was about a tall bipedal being that appeared in the middle of central Canterlot, scaring ponies into hiding.

Initially, the strange tall being was detained in a dungeon, but was later moved to a more accommodating living quarters. It was unknown how the being had appeared in Canterlot in the first place, but it was later determined that his appearance was entirely by accident or out of his control. Simply meaning, she was going to have to prepare another interdimensional spell to send them back to where they came from. Thankfully, every being that enters a new dimension, has the imprint of the dimension they left, meaning sending them back was actually pretty simple.

Now, getting the spell to work? That was an entirely different issue altogether...