The Complications of Immortality

by Nature Pastel

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1035

The second entry in The Retirement Series. Twilight discovers how alicorn immortality works. It turns out that they aren't completely immortal.

The second story in The Retirement Series.

Twilight is now the ruler of Equestria. Celestia realises that Twilight has no idea how immortality works. She braces herself and starts an awkward conversation.

Published 2020-05-02 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-02 20:00:02 UTC

One Princess To Another.

The ex-Royal Sisters were eating breakfast together. Celestia had made pancakes with extra syrup, whipped cream and lots of strawberries. They were really enjoying life now that they were excused from their royal duties.
"Maybe, sister," said Celestia, "we can even stop being immortal."
"Talking about immortality, does Twilight know?" asked Luna before taking a sip of her coffee.
Celestia rubbed the back of her head with her hoof and grinned nervously. "Well, we are excused from our duties, including being a mentor, so..."
Luna spat out her mouthful of coffee back into her cup. "You didn't, did you?"
"Well... No. She'll be fine, sister."
"No. Tell her today."
"But I'm not her mentor any more," Celestia said with a pout.
"You will tell her today or I will turn into Nightmare Moon, destroy the sun AND I won't make dinner for you tonight!" Luna snapped with the voice of Canterlot.
"Calm down, sister, and please, make the spaghetti bolognese tonight, you know how much I love it."
"If you don't tell her by four o'clock this afternoon, it will be chilli con carne with extra spice."
Celestia gulped.

After the threat of extra-spicy chilli con carne, Celestia had no choice but to tell Twilight what she was going to have to suffer with. Celestia was dreading it. She remembered when her own parents had told her, all those thousands of years ago. It had been agony. Still, Celestia could not deal with spicy food. She had learned that the hard way.

She teleported to Canterlot Castle after breakfast. The guards took her to the breakfast room, where Twilight had just finished breakfast.
"Good, Twilight, you're finished," Celestia told her. "If you hadn't had breakfast, you would go hungry for the day."
"Why, Princess Celestia?" asked Twilight, curious.
"I have to give you the Alicorn Talk," Celestia sighed."
"What?"
"What what?"
"What Alicorn Talk?"
"Immortality."
"Oh."

They went to one of the spare bedrooms, where they would not be disturbed.
"So, Princess Celestia, what about alicorn immortality?" Twilight questioned.
"So. Eventually, alicorns become, so they say, immortal. They do not seem to die and can live for thousands of years."
"So?"
"That is entirely incorrect."
"Huh?"
"Alicorns die."
"Only after thousands of years!"
"No, Twilight. That is wrong. Let me explain.

"To be immortal, certain... Procedures have to take place. For example, they have to have a health check-up almost every month and every problem has to be dealt with almost immediately. Quite often, when I have told you that I have appointments, they have been health appointments and operations."
"What?!"
"Yes. Every ailment, dealt with immediately. New medicines for every illness. Operating theatres await to deal with tiny problems. On the night before your coronation, I had to have a tumor removed."
"You what?!"
"Yep. They have to keep their rulers safe and healthy so they can rule for long enough to train a successor. Even though I was only ruling for one more day, they had to make sure that I wouldn't give up the ghost during that day."
"Is that all?"
"Sadly, no. Once a year, you have to go swimming in an underground lake charged with magical properties."
"That doesn't sound bad."
"Without oxygen."
"How are you still alive?"
"Magical properties. However, carbon dioxide stops the water from working its magic, so you're not allowed to breathe. Plus, you have to both swallow and inhale the water so that enough of it enters your blood stream and stops you from ageing. That's why it looks like I only age one year for every hundred years."
"This is just weird. Couldn't you have let the health professionals tell me all this?"
"No. Luna threatened to make extra-spicy chilli con carne for dinner."
"Ah. Yes. I can see why. Is that it?"
"No."
"What else is there?!"
"Coffee."
"Coffee?!"
"The kitchen staff treat you every morning with a custom-made teacup full of coffee. Sadly, Luna and I have to make our own now."
"Is Princess Cadance in on all this?"
"Yes. She doesn't drink a lot of coffee, but she has her brew at least three times a week."
"So an excellent healthcare team, an annual swim in an underground lake without breathing and a lot of coffe will make me immortal?"
Celestia said, "Not exactly..."
"Well, alicorns die eventually, don't they?"
"This is the worst part of the talk."
"Oh, boy." Twilight slumped on the bed.
"Alicorns die a lot. It can vary from one pony to another, but they tend to die about once every forty to fifty years. I have died hundreds of times. I am surprised that Princess Luna actually managed to stay alive on the moon."
"She - she didn't die when she was Nightmare Moon?"
"No."

The two alicorns sat in silence for a few moments.
"Wow, being an alicorn is not as simple as it sounds," Twilight said. "Why did you not tell me before?"
"To tell the truth, I was hoping that I didn't have to. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about."
"How uncomfortable were you when you were telling me about it?"
"Even more uncomfortable than when I have to give young fillies and colts the birds and bees talk."
"That's very uncomfortable."
"I know."
"I didn't realise that one of Equestria's rulers for millennia could get that uncomfortable. You are always so brave and a simple conversation about life as an alicorn makes her feel out of her depth."
"Don't even ask about Luna."
"Are you saying that she gets even more uncomfortable when thinking and talking about these things?"
"Well... No. She has a heart of stone and can talk about these things easily."
"Princess Celestia, you are a wuss."
"Cheers, former student."
"You're welcome."

Later that day, Celestia returned home to find that Luna had decided not to use the spicy sauce. The lid was still on the bottle, underneath several layers of brown tape and a label reading, DO NOT GIVE TO CELESTIA! Her food had no trace of spice and she slept well that night, safe in the knowledge that, one day, Twilight would have to have that talk with her own student.