Lily Meets Grogar, An Unimaginatively Titled Comedy
Taking a deep breath of the warm spring air, Lily Valley smiled softly as she looked over the property, a tranquil sight in the early morning. She'd just finished the paperwork with the real estate agent yesterday, and now the cottage was hers. Sitting on the outskirts of Fillydelphia, it was a humble little thing, smaller than the one she once shared with Roseluck and Daisy, but it was sturdy, built from varnished hardwood decades ago.
Lily would miss her lifelong friends dearly, and would make sure to write them often, but she'd been putting this off for much too long. Ever since Twilight moved to Ponyville, her life had been simply inundated with one traumatizing experience after another. Even discounting the occasional Everfree monster, the town had been beset by all manner of evildoers, disasters, and more misadventures than she had coat hairs. It hadn't been good for her poor heart, not at all.
And even though Twilight was moving to Canterlot, said panic-inducing events showed no signs of slowing down. The continued existence of the School of Friendship meant that, every year, tons of scary new creatures would show up, none of whom fully understood how to properly treat a delicate pony like herself. They wouldn't need to attend if they did. So, since she didn't want to die of accumulated shock by age thirty, Lily's only real choice had been to leave.
Just as important as the location, though, her new home came with a decently sized plot of land. Though it was currently uncared for, the grass overtaken by weeds in places, with a bit of hard work, it would make for a fine garden to support a new business. There was always a market for flowers, since ponies could either eat or display them, and there we so many varieties that competition for lilies was almost certainly low.
Still, Lily had to actually grow some flowers first, before she could sell them. And her supply of bits was low at the moment. So, once she'd finished unpacking her things to her satisfaction, Lily replaced the namesake flower in her mane with a shady sun hat and grabbed her trowel. Then, she set to work turning over the soil, uprooting row after row of fresh dirt while humming a gentle tune.
When her yard was about halfway dug out, Lily's trowel struck something solid. Scooping the soil away revealed a hard, squarish grey stone. Having encountered rocks before at times like this, Lily thought nothing of it. She'd simply remove all the solid obstructions she found once she was finished, before she started planting.
However, as Lily continued, it became clear that the stone was far larger than she originally assumed. Continued digging revealed that it was larger than her whole body, perfectly rectangular, and covered in freaky-looking symbols. Once she'd completely uncovered it, Lily stared at the probably ancient slab with an abundance of trepidation. Sweating, and not from the heat, possibilities swirled in her mind, each worse than the last. It was probably haunted, or cursed, or poisoned, or haunted, cursed, and poisoned!
Though it hadn't ripped her soul from her body as a result of the multiple times she'd brushed against it previously, Lily was still deeply afraid to touch it. Just because it hadn't hurt her yet didn't mean it wouldn't. At the same time, though, she couldn't just leave it in the ground either. For all she knew, it might make her precious lilies mutate into carnivorous, pony-eating abominations!
Taking a very deep breath to calm her racing heart, Lily concluded that the only thing to do was pull the mysterious stone free and then call the authorities to take it someplace, far, far away. Squaring her stance, Lily hooked her forehooves around the edge of the slab and tugged. Though she was no Applejack, Lily was still an earth pony, and could muster enhanced strength when she really put her back into it. Still, it proved even heavier than she expected, and Lily's cheeks were puffed out in exertion by the time the buried relic was yanked upwards.
The instant the stone was moved, there was a flash of bright light, temporarily blinding Lily. She only knew it had flipped over onto the grass by the thudding sound it made. Frozen in surprise, her knees shaking, her sight eventually returned, narrowed pupils trained at her hooves. There, the truth was revealed, which did not alleviate her shaking at all. The mysterious stone had actually been a lid, and the box it once magically sealed was now open. This in and of itself didn't bother Lily, as magic boxes were only scary in the I-don't-know-how-this-weird-thing-even-works sort of way.
No, the real problem was the contents of the box. Or, to be specific, the sarcophagus. For inside rested the prone form of a large, blue ram with big, curved horns. Ordinarily, goats didn't bother Lily too much beyond their poor hygiene, ever since she'd attended that assertiveness seminar a while ago, but this was no ordinary goat. This was a sarcophagus goat. And Lily had never heard of any instance of some creature inside one of those not coming back to life and wreaking bloody vengeance upon the living.
What she wanted to do was run away screaming at the top of her lungs, but Lily was paralyzed by fear, her limbs not responding to her needs. So, she could only watch in horror when the goat, as expected, rose. He gave a great, big yawn, smacking his lips a few times before blinking his eyes open. Soon, he adopted a puzzled expression. "Hmm, what happened? I can't quite remember... Where—?"
His voiced inquiry cut itself off when he noticed Lily standing right in front of him, petrified. "Oh, hello there. Are you alright, cutie? You look pale. Nothing a few rounds with me won't fix," he added in a dulcet baritone, laughing.
When Lily didn't reply, (Because how could she?) the goat continued. "Can't tear your eyes off of the mighty Grogar, huh? That's totally fine, I'm used to the attention." Smirking, he winked.
Meanwhile, Lily's brain short-circuited. This was Grogar? The legendary tyrant, the father of monsters, who ruled the ancient tribes with an iron hoof and dark magic? That Grogar? Realizing he fit the description, Lily's level of panic reached critical mass, her thoughts now something along the lines of: OhCelestiaOhCelestiaOhCelestiaOhCelestiaOhCelestia.
All four legs locking in place, Lily squeaked, then tipped over like a statue, instantly blacking out.
Lily awoke with a frantic gasp, shooting upright with a start. Boy, what a nightmare. Grogar? How extremely scary. Still, there was no way anything that awful could happen to her in real life. It must have been caused by subconscious stresses from sleeping in a new place. Because that's where Lily was: sitting atop her bed in her new bedroom, her favorite sun hat resting atop a dresser across the room. Although, there was a rather large amount of light filtering in through the blinds. Could she have overslept?
Blinking a few times, Lily slowly meandered her way towards the door, entering the main room of her new cottage.
"Ah, you're awake! Feeling better? I know I always enjoy a quick trip to the bedroom," a masculine voice laughed.
Lily's head whipped to the side in surprise. There, casually draped along her couch like a dragon astride its hoard, was Grogar.
Oh Celestia, all that had actually happened. Lily's first instinct was to run screaming to her house and hide, except this time the monster was actually already in her house! And even if she galloped all the way to Saddle Arabia, there was no guarantee Grogar wouldn't still be here. Or worse, come back later and attack her in her sleep! Because he knew where she lived.
Now hyperventilating, Lily crumpled to the floor in a writhing mass of anxiety, hooves clutching her temples. However, she still possessed the instinctual response of fleeing at high speed, as when Grogar lifted an arm, without even waiting to see more, Lily bolted to the far wall next to her refrigerator. She compressed her rump against the comfortingly solid wood, trying to squish her body like an accordion as she shivered, unable to tear her gaze away from the dire threat before her.
Said dire threat now faced her wearing a slight frown. "That's not the reaction I was going for, young lady. May I ask your name?"
Grogar wanted more leverage to use against her. He truly was merciless. But she shuddered to think what he would do if she didn't cooperate. "It's L-Lily," she squeaked out.
The ram's smile returned, curving as sharply as his deadly, deadly horns. "Ah, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl."
Lily shuddered, her mouth working soundlessly. He must have wanted to eat her as some sort of delicacy!
When she didn't reply, he continued. "So, sweet Lily, your fainting reflex is very well developed, which is super adorable if you ask me," Grogar said, resting his chin on a hoof. "What I don't understand is why I startled you so badly. Like, mares don't usually faint next to me until the fun's over, if you catch my drift."
This was when it all started to sink in, her observations becoming more rational. All signs pointed to one strange truth, though she had trouble believing it. Was Grogar seriously hitting on her? That made zero sense to Lily. In the 'does not compute' sort of way. And yet, nothing else really fit.
Still, that in no way excused his prior actions, and Lily was sure to let the menace know as much. She didn't really want to make Grogar angry, but if she was going to be exsanguinated anyway, then what did she have to lose? "Y-You should be arrested!" Lily exclaimed. "Thrown in Tartarus!"
The sudden change in topic seemed to throw him for a loop. "Arrested? Seriously?" Grogar repeated, in disbelief. "What for? I haven't done anything wrong. If anything, I'm the victim here."
"How are you the victim?" Lily managed, her confusion suppressing her shock, for now. "You're an ancient, evil villain, the father of monsters! All the stories say so. After you conquered the land, Gusty the Great had to steal your magic bell to free everypony from your horrible reign. I learned that when I was a foal."
Grogar's brows rose. "Uh, ignoring the 'ancient' part - rude, by the way - most of what you just said isn't even true."
"M-Most of it?" Lily questioned, not liking the sound of that. She squeezed herself more tightly against the wall.
Grogar let out a heavy groan, standing up from the couch. "Yes, some ponies took to calling me the 'father of monsters', because I'm such an irresponsible parent to many, many undisciplined children. I admit that I don't like to be tied down. And of course I'm proud of my conquests, all of whom were willing, eager mares. I mean, how could they resist?" Here, he flexed his muscles, which were admittedly, very well sculpted. Grogar was a supreme male specimen, Lily supposed. Still, her reaction did not extend beyond simple observation, especially since she was still convinced he was going to bake her mangled corpse into a pie, or something.
"But I'm not some evil, horrible villain!" he continued. "I'm a nice ram, who always makes sure to show the ladies the time of their lives! Gusty didn't steal the Bewitching Bell from me, it was homemade gift!" At this, Grogar's face grew wistful. "She was the greatest lay I've ever had, bar none. The way she moaned… hot damn. After that incredible orgy she threw - all those sexy mage-warriors with plenty of stamina - I just had to pay her back with something even more special than a ride on my enormous dick."
Lily was at a loss for words, all this talk of sex making her extremely uncomfortable. His sly smile didn't help matters. All that came out of her mouth was "Um."
"But anyway, yes, I'm the victim," Grogar insisted, frowning as he sunk back into the sofa. "I remember everything now. One day I was minding my own business, scoping out some local assets, and being visually feasted upon in turn, when I got ambushed in the street by a gang of incredibly peeved unicorn stallions. They said I'd stolen all their wives and/or daughters, even though I'd obviously never do such a thing. Like, they'd almost certainly thrown themselves at me after a few mugs of mead. Or without drinking anything. But that didn't stop the stallions from knocking me out and trapping me in an enchanted coffin, apparently. The assholes must have spread all those lies about me afterwards," Grogar uttered, stewing in outrage.
For Lily, this was a lot to take in. Could his claims really be true, and not the sinister lies of a creature hellbent on violating her innocent body? She supposed it was a little strange that essentially every single legend from over a thousand years ago had proved to be completely true up until this point. Not even modern newspapers had perfectly accurate information 100% of the time, foal-penned or otherwise. After that long, it was honestly a minor miracle any facts remained at all, passed down as they had been.
However, Lily realized, it didn't actually matter one way or the other. She needed to do the same thing regardless of whether Grogar was a malevolent tyrant or just a misunderstood philanderer who wanted to drag her off to bed: kick him the buck out of her house. She'd survived too many catastrophes by the skin of her teeth to just fold into a ball and cry now, when the risk to life and limb was the highest it had ever been.
As Grogar sat ruminating on her hibiscus-print cushions, Lily mentally steeled herself, channeling all of her experience in fighting off small, non-venomous insects, and shuffled a few inches away from the wall. Drawing forth every ounce of bravery she could, Lily pointed a trembling hoof towards the door and led off with the most grievously hurtful mental blow she could come up with. "I don't care about your feelings. Just get out, Grogar! And don't come back!"
At this, his face hung low with disappointment, though his did point those insidious, slitted eyes her way. "Well, that's just rude, sugar. And cruel. If what you told me is true, all of ponykind thinks I'm a monster now. I have no money, no home, and would be locked away in moments." Then, he stood again, walking up to her. Lily stiffened as he began to gently run a hoof through her mane. "Instead, maybe I could stay with you for a little while? At least until I come up with a better idea." Then, his voice dropped into a sultry half-whisper. "I'd be sure to help you however you so desire. Cooking for you, washing your back, anything you want. Anything you need."
Lily, however, just wanted him to stop. "I'm asexual!" she blurted.
Grogar's eyes twinkled in amusement. "But of course. Who isn't a sexual creature? We're all slaves to our own bodies, Lily, my dear."
"No!" Lily shouted, pushing him away, surprising both of them. "Asexual, as in somepony with zero interest in having that kind of intimacy!"
He stared at her, blinking. "That's a real thing?"
"Yes," Lily insisted, her tail wrapped tightly around herself. In fact, Roseluck and Daisy often teased her about it, how cliché it was for the mare with the cutie mark of white lilies to be a perpetual, uninterested virgin. Not, like, in a mean way, though.
Honestly, all this was very much not how she'd figured her day would go after coming face to face with Grogar. As in, Lily's head still maintained ownership of her face, which had not been flayed from her skull. Instead, she was having trouble comprehending his shameless yet respectful true nature. He hadn't even tried assaulting her yet, unless she counted the mane petting just now.
Grogar, it seemed, shared this issue of poor understanding. He sighed, shaking his head. "I guess times really have changed. How long was I in that box?"
"Ah, over a thousand years?" Lily answered, barely above a whisper.
"A THOUSAND YEARS!?" Grogar yelled, stepping back as if struck. "Faust, seriously!? No way that's right."
Lily, too, flinched away, her rump once more finding the wall as her chest hammered. "I'm f-fairly sure Princess Celestia wouldn't have let the calendar get that messed up..."
"I don't even know who that is," Grogar admitted. Then, he sighed. "Guess I really am in another era."
Before Lily could do anything else, her hooves still glued to the floor, Grogar lit his horns, an impossible feat for a normal goat. Her eyes clenched shut, as she prepared for the worst - her bones being snapped like twigs in fury, probably - but when nothing happened, she hazarded a peek. He'd only levitated over a ripe peach from the fruit bowl on her table, taking a slow, lingering bite and tenderly licking up the resulting juices. The innuendo was lost on Lily, and she wasn't too upset about her produce being taken without asking. She was too busy being grateful it wasn't her organs he was biting into.
Grogar took a few more idle bites, brow angled in thought, before taking a deep breath and setting the peach down. "Well, I suppose things could be worse. I could be all alone, without the company of such a curvaceous paragon of grace," he noted, recovering fast. His smoldering expression would have made most females in close proximity swoon.
For Lily, though? Hard pass. "There are plenty of mares in the city far more pretty than I am," she insisted, reflexively.
"Somehow, I doubt that," Grogar replied, winking again as he continued to lay on the charm.
Most ponies would have either let out an exasperated groan or blushed and giggled at that. Lily Valley was, again, not most ponies, so she instead just kind of stood there.
Grogar stared. "Wow, tough crowd."
Lily, tough? How utterly laughable. She would have, too, (laughed, that is) had the many tiny Lilys that lived inside her head operating things not long ago abandoned their posts to run around in circles throwing metaphorical papers everywhere. Instead, Lily was only capable of repeating her prior request. "Grogar please leave," she choked out, not certain how much more stress she could take. She very much wished this entire situation would end posthaste.
Sighing in disappointment, Grogar turned towards her front door. "Alright, Lily. Message received. Though it rarely happens, I can tell when I'm not wanted. Thanks for the info and the peach, sweet flower. I'll manage in this new world, smooth talk my way back into ponykind's good graces. Fine a nice tavern, maybe a brothel to set up shop in, who knows. And hey, if you ever change your mind, you know where to look." With a sad smile, he trotted towards the door, flicking his short tail near her muzzle as he did.
After one last, lingering look, he departed, shutting the door behind him with his magic. Tension rapidly bled from Lily's muscles, internally thanking Celestia, the other princesses, Discord, and even some largely forgotten pagan deities like Omnihorse for finally releasing her from her torment.
Still, Lily peeked outside to make sure that he was actually leaving. Grogar, indeed, receded into the distance, his excessively toned backside disappearing around a street corner. Once the coast was clear, Lily shut the door, nodded to herself with the satisfaction of a job well done, then immediately fainted again.
Author's Note
I know this is a somewhat dissapointing place to end things, but be grateful I managed to pull myself away from playing Trails in the Sky long enough to write this much. Oh, and for the record, Grogar was buried where he was becuase back when he originally lived, Equestria was still basically empty. The stallion gang picked an unmarked spot in the middle of nowhere so nobody would find him. Also, I wasn't sure if Lily's extreme internal paranoia merrited gore and non-con tags. If this story somehow triggers people, I can add them.
