BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I groaned, slowly rising out of unconsciousness. Opening my eyes, the bright red numbers of the alarm clock steadily came into view, piercing through the darkness.

5:00 AM, I thought. I haven’t been up this early in years.

I sleepily threw off the old covers, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. Sitting in the darkness, I stared at the blank peeling walls of the guest bedroom, trying to wake up.

Irritated by the beeping, I slammed my fist down upon the noisy alarm clock, shattering the face and effectively silencing the noise.

Morning grogginess settling in, I considered going back to sleep.

These thoughts were silenced though as the old wooden door swung open, blinding me as the morning light flooded through.

“Good moooorniiing!” A light voice sang.

I covered my eyes, grumbling at my intruder.

“Yeah yeah, you too. Shut the door.”

A small pony-shaped silhouette stepped through the doorway, revealing itself to be Octavia. “Come on Alex, we have a busy day today.”

I sighed, rising off the small guest bed. “And what exactly do we have to do?” I asked.

“I’ll explain later, right now you-”

She paused, a look of disgust coming across her face. “Oh my Celestia, You look awful!”

I looked down, immediately able to tell what she meant. I had slept in my dirty tattered clothes, my shirt and pants stuck to my sweaty body. I could feel my greasy hair matted to my head.

The pony raised a hoof to her nose. “I think you should start with a shower.”

“Alright,” I grumbled, slipping past the grey pony, turning down the hall and climbing up the stairs.

As the sound of the creaky steps echoed through the house, I tried remembering where Octavia said the bathroom was last night.

Up the stairs, first door on the right.

Reaching the top, I turned and opened the door, accidentally walking into Vinyl’s room.

Shit, it was the left.

The pony remained unstirred by my disturbance, out cold in the middle of her bed, surrounded by empty cans. I slowly backed out of the room and shut the door, careful not to wake the sleeping mare.

I turned and opened the door behind me, just barely realizing that the doorway was much lower than the other doors. Too late.

My head slammed into the overhang, sending me crashing down like the big stupid ape I was. I sat there for a second in disbelief.

What. The fuck.

I could feel the blood starting to pour from my nose. Dazed, I shook my head and picked myself up off the floor, careful not to slam my head into the low ceiling.

My fall must have been loud enough to wake Vinyl, as the door behind me swung open. I turned around, only to see her standing in the doorway, grimacing at me. “What the heck are you doing?” The groggy-eyed pony asked, giving me a look that could kill a man. I stared back at her, trying to stop the blood pouring from my now broken nose. “I… Uh…” I began.

Like hell I was going to tell her what happened.

To my surprise, a smile broke across the pony’s face.

Shit, too late.

In a matter of seconds the pony was on the ground, laughing uncontrollably. “YOU… FUCKING… IDIOT…” The pony sputtered out, in between fits of laughter and gasps for air. I just sat and stared at her, my face turning a bright red. She looked up at me, tears in her eyes. “You ran into the overhang, didn’t you?”

“N- No I didn’t,” I said.

I turned away from the pony, staying crouched inside the small bathroom. It was, to my surprise, very clean. It was a stark white, the tiles shining from the glow of the dim light overhead. I turned to the sink beside me, checking out my damaged nose in the mirror. It was gruesome, cocked at an awkward angle to the side, my upper lip stained with blood. “It’s not that bad.” I heard Vinyl say. I could see her standing behind me in the mirror, an unconcerned look on her face. I turned on the sink, trying to wash the blood off my face.

“It still hurts like a bitch.”

“Hold still, it’s almost in!” the grey pony fussed, aiming the tissue for my nose. Her reaction to the incident had been the polar opposite of Vinyl’s, sympathy replacing laughter.

“There, finished.”

Looking in the mirror, I could see the tissue sticking out of my nostrils.

I looked silly, but at least I wouldn’t bleed everywhere.

“You should really be more careful.” Octavia said, a concerned look on her face. I rose from the chair, folding my arms around the back of my head nonchalantly. “I don’t think I can die again, so I guess I’ll be fine.” As Octavia followed suit, a curious look came across her.

“What do you mean, ‘die again’?” She asked.

I yawned and moved past her towards the door.

“Forget about it, let’s go.”

“Wait!” She called out as I reached for the doorknob. I turned and looked at her. She trotted towards the closet door to the right of her and opened it.

“First…” She said, reaching inside and pulling out a strange brown suit and black toupee.

“You gotta put this on.”

I sat and stared at the suit.

“No. No no no no no no no.” I turned and hurried towards the door.

I reached for the doorknob, but was yanked back.

Holy crap these ponies are fast.

I struggled as she dragged me towards the door to her bedroom. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.”

“Heh, I think brown will look good on you,” She said sadistically.

My cries were then silenced by a slam of a door and maniacal laughter.

"Alright, give me your best impression of a donkey," She said, a satisfied look on her face.

“Go fuck yourself,” I replied.

“Close enough.”

Author's Note

It's about fucking time.

-DrSanchez