Equestria Sucks!

by Green

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 4139

Five adventurers return from their quest in Vashj'ir to find that all is not well in Orgrimmar...

When Varillian, Zixik, Alirak, Thunderstomp, and xXDethXx return from their campaign in the underwater realm of Vashj'ir, they find that there are rainbows everywhere. Okay, maybe that's not the biggest problem. Probably just a few inexperienced children getting trigger happy with the rainbow generators. No problem.

But then Garrosh starts acting... strange, to say the least. To top it off, the five adventurers find themselves in a land that they've never heard of or seen before. Now they have to restore Azeroth's bloody, war-torn state before this happiness and friendship drives them all insane.

Published 2012-08-23 10:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-25 01:50:28 UTC

One - The War Party

"Alright, let's do this! LEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS!" The four others in the group visibly winced as their companion quoted his hero.

"Oh my god, he just ran right in!" Laughed a goblin, pointing at his friend as he swam straight for a huge, menacing eel. "Ah, that never gets old."

"Zix! Don't encourage Deth's bad behavior. Now get Kadrek out of the coral and let's make sure he doesn't get himself murdered." Spoke a tall blood elf, an annoyed edge to his voice. He was wearing a helmet despite the water breathing spell to avoid his hair being ruined. "Thunder, if you please."

The tauren obliged, swimming towards their wayward tank. He procured some totems from his pouch and let them float into the water, careful not to place his fire totem down. Learned that the hard way. By that time, 'Deth' had taunted the creature by dropping his heavy plate leggings, a sight no one wanted to see, especially from the undead one in the group.

The creature roared and began swimming towards the headstrong Deth, and Thunderstomp conjured an earthen shield around his ally just before the creature attempted to munch on him. The eel broke three teeth on the rocks, but the shield wouldn't dissipate until the battle was long over.

By this time, the elf had started calling down the powers of the arcane, still afraid to use frost or fire magic in the underwater terrain. Good thing it was what he was best at. Zix had also whistled for his panther, Kadrek, who clumsily clambered from the bushes and rushed the target.

The fight was going well, the waters were turning red with blood. It was hard to tell whose it was, the adventurers were so immersed in the battle that they didn't notice their injuries. Except for Thunderstomp. The poor tauren was having a hard time keeping up with all of the healing he had to do, and he couldn't tell who was needing it more.

Zixik called for Deth to stand clear of the eel and drew his bow, aiming a powerful shot towards the creature's eye and letting it fly loose. The only reason that it had worked underwater was a powerful enchantment placed on it by Varillian, the party's mage.

The perfectly aimed arrow lodged itself in the target, causing the eel to writhe and screech in pain. Zixik silently congratulated himself on a job well done and let his guard down for a moment, which was not a great move. This attack caused the huge sea creature to focus its fury on the poor marksman, and Thunderstomp didn't have time to react with a healing spell.

The creature surged forward, ready to make the goblin eel-chow. A roar sounded as a huge sea-lion looking creature shoved the stunned Zixik out of the way and swam headfirst into the creature's mouth.

"Augh! Alirak! Quick, guys, shoot it! Hit it! Get her outta there!" The goblin had recovered from the attack, but didn't have a moment to respond. Sounds of a bear's roaring echoed from within the beast's jaw, before they saw a bear gouge its way through the roof of the mouth and out the top of the head, goopy blood and brain matter being carried away on the current.

The bear swam back and forth a bit before turning its attention to the four awestruck adventurers. "I told ya ta tell me when ya needed help, Deth. But no one tells ol' Alirak anyting, now do dey? Didn't tink so. Dis coulda been ovah a lot quicker if ya had just called me, but nope. Have ta charge in..."

The Forsaken that she was addressing crossed his arms and shook his head. "Dude, you're a nub. I dunt nid help from yous." He sneered, sticking his tongue out, which unfortunately made his jaw pop off. After rearranging it, he once again made a face. "And that's xXDethXx to you! Stupid noob."

The bear rolled its eyes before the fur and bulk melted away to reveal a female troll, obviously a druid. "Thundah, ya doin' okay or do ya need me ta take ovah from here?" Alirak glanced over at the panting tauren, whose sweat was blending with the waters of Vashj'ir.

"No, I am fine. Thank you for your concern." Thunderstomp retrieved his floating totems and sank to the ocean floor to rest for a moment.

"Alright, Deth, get ovah 'ere." Alirak called, narrowing her eyes at the tank, who was lazily swimming about in circles, making no effort to hide his boredom.

"Ugh, what do yous wint, nub?" 'xXDethXx' begrudgingly directed his attention to the druid, who was obviously not happy, corners of her mouth turned down around her protruding tusks.

"I want ya ta relax, mon. Ya almost got Zix here killed, and ya gonna give Thundah a heart attack if ya keep dis up." Alirak launched into a lecture, which the members of the party automatically tuned out. "Ya need ta be a responsible tank, make sure none of ya friends get hurt, and ya gotta call fa help when ya need it..." She blabbed on, hardly noticing that Deth had swum away five minutes ago.

"And dat's how I became a great tank." She finished her story, before sighing and noticing that Varillian was studying wildlife, Zix was playing fetch with Kadrek, and Deth was trying to pull a prank on the now-sleeping Thunderstomp.

"I hate ya all. I really do, mon." She mumbled, swimming towards Varillian. "Hey, elf." She growled, narrowing her eyes. Other than Deth, Varillian was her least favorite group member. Not only was he a wimp, but he was... well, an elf. "Elf! I'm gonna go wake up Thundah and grab Zix and Deth. Start workin' on a portal ta Orgrimmar. It's time we got outta here."

Varillian looked as if he was going to make a snooty rebuttal, but decided against it and began focusing his magic. Alirak had soon rounded up the rest of the group.

Zix grinned, patting the panther at his side. "Looks like this is it, guys! Finally heading home after... how long down here? Feels like forever." He sighed and leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. "I'll sure miss floating like this. But hey, fresh air! Can't wait to get back to Eversong and meet up with Elle to track down that spirit bear we've been hunting for ages!"

The group was now chatting excitedly about what they were going to do when they got back to Orgrimmar. That is, except for Varillian. He gritted his teeth, concentrating on their destination before fizzling the spell.

"IN THE NAME OF THE SUNWELL, PLEASE! SHUT UP!" He yelled, causing Kadrek to swim away in terror. Clearing his throat, he apologized. "I'm sorry, friends. I just... am kind of irritable while I'm conjuring portals."

They waited for the next spell to be cast in silence, and this time it was much more effective. Soon they had a little gateway to Orgrimmar opened up right next to them. "Alright..." Spoke the mage. "Let's just swim through in a nice, calm, orderly fashion and-"

"ME FIRST, NUBS!" Yelled Deth, shoving his way through the portal and landing on his stomach on the other side. Zix was next, hopping through the portal with Kadrek, who had quietly snuck back. Thunderstomp hung back, waiting for Alirak and Varillian to slip through before taking it himself.

The five friends emerged on the other side, breathing in the dry Durotar air (except for Deth, he doesn't breath) and glancing around at the busy city before them, the group broke apart without a word to do their normal everyday things. Varillian headed towards the auction house to see if he could find something to stitch up a tear in his robe, Zixik headed to the barber shop to get a color change for a party that a friend was going to have, Alirak flew off as a bird to have a chat with an old friend, Deth scaled a rocky wall to kill some critters, and Thunderstomp was left in the dust with nothing to do, which wasn't unusual for him.

Sighing, he walked down the Orgrimmar road, nearly having his head taken off by a Forsaken warlock who was getting into a magic fight with a mage on the other side of the path. As he walked past Grommash Hold, he noticed something strange around the entrance. Are those... hearts? He thought, approaching to take a closer look. They were hearts. Pink ones. With little ribbons.

It was nowhere near Love is in the Air, and that's the only reason that he thought Garrosh would allow pretty pink ribboned hearts to be put anywhere near his beloved hold. Certain that all was not well, the shaman tentatively walked towards the hold, the guards at their posts seemed as confused and worried as he was. He directed a questioning glance to them and they nodded nervously, gesturing for him to enter.

He did, and what he saw was even more troubling. Sitting on the Warchief's throne was Garrosh Hellscream, but this wasn't the odd thing. On top of his head was a shining tiara, with beautiful sparkling gems inside of it. All of the ambassadors in the room seemed awkward and nervous, including the guards, who were wearing something that was different from the normal uniform.

They were wearing strange gold armor that didn't seem to cover up much and wouldn't be very effective in combat. It looked like something a healer would wear if they didn't expect to engage in hand-to-hand combat.

What was worse was the grin on Garrosh's face as the tauren entered. It wasn't a wicked grin, it was a genuine grin of happiness. "Welcome, friend!" He said giddily. "Welcome to Canterlot!"

Two - Sylvanas Can Help...

Thunderstomp, being the calm, collected, and kind individual that he was, began swearing indiscriminately and ran from the hold, frantic to find his friends and warn them of this peril. This was worse than the Cataclysm, at least to the warriors of the Horde. This couldn't be any worse if the entire world had actually ended! This couldn't be worse if the whole UNIVERSE ended!

The shaman decided to rush to the auction house first- Varillian's skilled portal usage should get the rest of them together in no time. If he remembered correctly, the mage was trying to repair his robe... So if he wasn't at the auction house, he'd be back in Silvermoon, most likely. Thunder prayed that the elf hadn't yet found the items he was looking for and entered.

The auction house was HUGE. Yes, it was huge, but the crowd inside was even larger. And endless stream of customers poured through the entrance, trying to grab what they could before someone else got their hands on it. Thunder himself had bought a very expensive potion here the other day- all of his friends were jealous. He wasn't sure why, it was pretty easy to save up for. Maybe he'd buy one for all of his friends, their birthdays were pretty close together...

Thoughts of sharing aside, it was time to look for Varillian, and THAT wasn't going to be fun.

-MEANWHILE, IN GROMMASH HOLD-

Garrosh stood and approached a nearby mage, speaking with a light, queenly tone to his voice. "Loyal subject..." He began. "I would like to speak with my sister, Princess Luna." He requested kindly. This was met with a confused look until a priest leaned over and whispered into the mage's ear.

"He means Lady Sylvanas." She whispered.

"Why did he call her Luna? I didn't know he had a-" The mage stopped and nodded at the look that the priest gave her. "Ah. Uh, yes sir. I'll get right on that." The mage quickly opened a small portal, in which Lady Sylvanas Windrunner's face appeared.

"What do you want, Garrosh?" The banshee asked, clearly unamused by the call. "I'm kind of... busy, at the moment. I'd appreciate it if..."

"Ah, my sister, Luna. I just wanted to comment that your night is absolutely beautiful on this fine evening." Garrosh replied, smiling warmly.

This took the Banshee Queen a moment to process. "Garrosh... is your priest putting you on a new healing spell that the leaders of the Horde should know about?"

The Warchief replied with a hearty laugh. "No, of course not, sister. What would make you think such a thing?"

At this point, Sylvanas had turned away from the portal. "Vile! Write all of this down! This is going straight to Vol'jin!"

"Already on it, M'lady." Spoke another voice, the owner not visible in the portal. "It will be sent with haste once it is complete."

"And put a copy in the royal archives." Sylvanas finished, turning back to Garrosh. "You're never going to live this down."

"Live what down, my dear sister Luna?" Garrosh asked curiously.

"Exactly."

-BACK OUT IN ORGRIMMAR

Thunderstomp seemed to be having a lucky day, finding Varillian almost right off the bat. The blood elf didn't believe him at first, brushing it off as a practical joke, though that would be more Zix's style than Thunder, if anything. However, after being shown the pink ribboned hearts outside the hold, the mage had a panic attack and was nearly unable to contact the rest of the group.

Once the rest had finally been summoned, Thunder and Varillian began franticly telling the tale. Like the mage had once been, they were skeptical. It just didn't seem likely, but they were soon proved wrong upon entering Grommash Hold, finding the place being renovated, adding windows to let in more sunlight.

"Oh." Zix had almost run from the room in terror, but managed to hold out with a death grip on Kadrek's fluffy neck, nearly strangling the poor creature.

They noticed the window with Sylvanas, and the conversation that their Warchief was having with her. He kept calling her Luna for some reason, and kept complimenting her 'night,' whatever that meant.

Alirak leaned in and whispered to her companions. "Guys, maybe da Banshee Queen knows what's goin' on. Now, I hate Undahcity as much as da next troll, but..." She bit her lip. "Varillian, get us a portal ta dat blasted city stat."

The blood elf complied immediately, not quite sure of what was happening. Soon, the five had arrived in the city of the Forsaken, requested an audience with Sylvanas, and entered her chamber with haste.

The banshee had just closed the connection with Grommash Hold and looked towards the adventurers. "Let me guess- Princess Hellscream?"

The five only nodded vigorously, causing Sylvanas to chuckle in spite of herself. "I shall assist you. As much as I enjoy watching Garrosh make a fool of himself... Well, let's just say that the Horde will not last long without its Warchief." She sighed. "The orcs will fall to infighting- it's in their nature." She rolled her eyes.

"Yuh, orcs er totull nubs, Lady Sulvawnus." Deth agreed with his queen, slapping his jaw back into position before it had a chance to fall off.

"Ehm..." Sylvanas examined the Forsaken warrior with something bordering between disgust and intrigue, before continuing. "... Indeed. Now, my mages are already beginning to pinpoint the source of Garrosh's erratic behavior, and we have already determined that its source is not in this dimension."

"Ya mean... it's somewhere else? Like... da Emerald Dream?" Alirak piped up, following the Banshee Queen as she led them through the chamber, towards the lab where the mages were studying.

"If that's the only example you have, I guess it could be... somewhat similar." She replied with obvious distaste. Druids, always preaching about plagues' effects on nature... She was lost in thought for a moment before pulling her mind back to reality. "I believe my assistant is almost finished with the analysis- ah, there he is now."

She beckoned said assistant towards her, who walked up and bowed in respect before beginning his report. "It seems that the intent was not malicious- or at least we think." He began. "Rather, there has been a powerful surge of time energy from Grommash Hold- since the source is in another dimension, we can only guess that the two places are colliding, causing environments to change due to the other dimension's influence."

"... Are you telling me that there's a dimension ruled by... whatever the Warchief has become?" Varillian asked in disbelief, just recovering from the shock of the pretty pink ribboned hearts.

"Apparently." Said Sylvanas before the assistant could respond. "Doesn't seem quite right to any standards, but... That doesn't matter. What matters is that we predict that Garrosh's condition will continue to... worsen... and that the rest of Azeroth will suffer from the effects of the alternate dimension."

"Well, how do we fix it, mon?" Alirak was the first to ask, eager to save Azeroth from certain destruction. Or... uh, whatever was going to eventually happen.

"We'll need to repair the fault on both sides. My mages can handle it on this side- but we're not quite sure what exists on the other side. Therefore, we're going to need... I don't know, a small band of adventurers to... travel to the other side... and, hm, maybe close the fault with a mage..." Sylvanas muttered. "I don't know who to send!" She rolled her eyes sarcastically and Deth stepped forward.

"Hey, Sulvawnus, we cood go." Deth volunteered, raising his hand enthusiastically.

Sylvanas looked between the other members of the group, then at Deth again. "Is he serio- yes. Yes, that is an excellent idea. You've served me well." She once again rolled her eyes and nodded at the band of adventurers. "So, it's pretty much been decided for you. You will leave through the time fault- don't worry about how. We'll get you there. You then find the location of the fault on the other side, and close it. We should be able to pull you through the other side just before it's been closed off forever."

"QUEST ACCEPTED! REWARDS: FIVE-HUNDRED TEN-THOUSAND! EXPERIENCE!" Yelled Deth at the top of his lungs, drawing strange glances from the other people in the room.

"... I feel like I'm missing something here." Sylvanas muttered through a facepalm. Alirak nodded, frowning sympathetically.

"Don't worry, mon. He has dat effect on everyun'."

Three - ... Or Maybe She'll Ditch Us

It was nearly dawn when the group had been packed up, taken to the breach and ready for the teleport. They were all pretty nervous about it- well, except for Deth and Zixik.

Zix was excited- more than he should've been, and wasn't worrying about anything at all. As they stood outside of Grommash Hold, he was a constant source of positive energy, punching his companions playfully on their shoulders or playing fetch with Kadrek using Deth's arm, much to the dismay of the tank.

Deth was... well, Deth. "Urgh, nubs. Hurreeeee it up so I's can poooown some nubs." He whined, an impatient edge on his voice. This was one of the reasons that Sylvanas had stayed in Undercity.

She was going to go with them, she really was. But one can only handle so many 'LAHDEH SILVAWNUS, I AWM YER BIGGEST FAYN!'s. So, she sent her assistant instead, who was to walk them through the process and also handle any... physical changes that would be necessary in the dimension that they arrived in. It would be tricky, but their mages, paired with the shapeshifting knowledge of the (stupid!) druids, would probably be able to pull it off, turning them into the normal sentient creatures in that universe.

Ah, in theory, that is.

They needed to figure out what this whole place was about, and considering that it had turned Garrosh into Princess Hellscream over there, Sylvanas made the guess that it wouldn't be anything too... dignified.

The assistant gestured for a few mages to gather around, and they all began focusing their magic on a specific point. The place seemed to resist for a moment, then split open into a untamed kind of wormhole portal.

"Alright, now we don't have long. Lady Sylvanas will contact you through the breach, and when you wake up, you should find yourself..." The assistant peered into the portal for a moment. "... Uh, where if that is. Uh... are those... unicorns? Pegasu-" He stopped himself, clearing his throat awkwardly. "This blood elf over here has been working on your forms by looking at the..." He shot a glare at the portal. "... Locals."

"Oh! Oh! Sweet! Can I see?" Zix shoved past his friend, running towards the specified blood elf before being held back.

"Ah, no. You'll uh... find out when you get there. It'll be... a surprise!" The assistant rubbed his face, muttering something along the lines of 'Sylvanas doesn't pay me enough for this,' before returning his attention to the five. "Well, here we go. Step through the portal, and you'll find yourself in... this land."

Zix and Deth collided as they rushed for the wormhole, both entering at the same time. Varillian insisted that he go next, carefully hopping through before Alirak charged in at full speed, followed quietly by Thunderstomp.

The five were aware of acute pains in their heads when they opened their eyes on the other side of the portal. They were in a huge, grassy area, filled with trees. Looked like an orchard. An apple orchard.

"Augh, man, what a rough trip. Feel like I did after that worgen crashed my bud's birthday party..." Zix mumbled, rubbing his head. "Hope Kadrek made it through that porta- Hey, I don't feel any different!" The goblin jumped up, examining his body. He was still a goblin.

"Whas up wit dis, nub?!" Shouted Deth, obviously upset that he didn't get to turn into an awesome whatever-it-was that he'd turn into if the spell had worked correctly. "Dis stooooopid. I wunna gu hoom."

"Shut it, mon. I'm tryin' ta get some slee- WHAT!?" Alirak had slapped a hand to her forehead. "Well, I'm sure dis could be a problem wit' da locals. Varillian, ya know any shapeshiftin' spells?"

"Of course not! What do I look like, one of those oncouth shaman? Ah, no offense Thunder, it's just not the right path for me." Varillian grinned apologetically at Thunderstomp, who said nothing.

"Uncouth shaman? What 'bout druid? Ya got somethin' 'gainst druids?" The troll shouted, shifting into a large panther, roaring menacingly.

"I never said such a thing, though I do believe that it's true, at this point!" The elf retorted, spitting in her general direction.

"Ya shut ya trap, ya good fer nothin' elven..." She trailed off as the air around them shimmered. "What in da name of da Loa-?"

A small window appeared in front of them, and a familiar face soon showed inside.

"Oh. It seems that the spell failed. I must have a... discussion with my assistant on such matters." Sylvanas grinned darkly, before shaking her head. "Well, you must cope anyway. I will contact you through these small breaches, and I'll guide you to the next one-"

"One moment, m'lady, but what do you mean by 'the next one?' Are we not searching for the breach between this world and ours?" Varillian asked curiously.

"Yes, you are. But there's more than one, as we've discovered. It seems that as the worlds press together, more cracks are forming. You must close them all before each world flows into the other." Sylvanas growled, obviously not pleased with being interrupted.

"How many are there?" Zixik asked from behind Kadrek, who he had found in a nearby tree.

"A lot. There are many minor cracks, but there are four major ones, if we patch those up, the rest should soon follow." She replied, looking at someone out of view for conformation. "I should also be able to track your progress. Don't ask now, just point and shoot." She dismissed a question before it even hit her.

A low, strange growling sound could be heard through the portal. "What-" She looked a something nearby then looked back. "Augh, the Alliance-?! You five are in a spot of trouble. Two worgen heading your way." She bit her lip. "Havefunbye." The connection broke and the portal vanished.

"... What just happened?" Zix asked, a distant, confused look on his face. He was snapped back to attention by sounds of something moving nearby.

"Worgen. She was right." Alirak sniffed the air, her tail twitching irritably. "Get ready for a fight, mon."

Alirak and Kadrek unsheathed their claws, Varillian began casting a spell, Zix pulled out his bow, Thunder set down his totems, and Deth dropped his plate leggings.