How Twilight Learned to Love the Burden of Military and Civil Maintenance
Twilight Sparkle knew today was going to be a great day!
The sun shined brightly through the stained-glass windows of the high tower of Canterlot Castle. Twilight watched as the entire room was lit up with dazzling hues of gold and orange. Between great marble pillars hung tapestries bearing her cutie mark. Every facet of the room was steeped in grandeur and tradition.
It took all of Twilight’s will not to squeal with joy.
She could not believe she was here, in the Chamber of the Royal Council! A place where the course of Equestrian history had been decided upon countless times.
And now it was hers!
She let out a giggle as she leaned back against her throne. Alongside it were several other chairs surrounding a large oaken table, of which she adjusted continuously. She was not too arrogant to admit that she was somewhat nervous.
She just wanted everything to be perfect for her first-ever council meeting as sole Princess.
Her obsessive movement of the furniture was abruptly interrupted as the doors to the chamber swung open. She quickly adjusted herself to a more regal posture as the first member of her Council arrived.
Fancy Pants, the Minister for the Economy, entered and bowed before her. He seated himself in the space to her immediate right. Chancellor Neighsay, the Minister for Education, followed, glaring at Fancy Pants for taking optimal seating. He settled with the chair closest to Twilight on her left. Raven Inkwell, Twilight’s Head Civil Servant appeared shortly afterwards, alongside Sir Witte, the Minister for the Interior.
The final attendee drew the most attention. Tempest Shadow, the Captain of the Guard, moved with heavy and deliberate steps, her eyes ever forward, oblivious to the less than pleasant stares she received. She sat as far away from the other councillors as possible.
“Good evening everypony,” said Twilight as her voice cracked. She coughed and started again. “I mean, I am honoured my loyal ministers have decided to attend the first of what I hope are many productive sessions.”
“The pleasure is ours Princess, we are honoured to be at your disposal,” said Fancy Pants, a murmur of agreement sounded out amongst the table.
“Well, I suppose we should get down to the small matter of running the country,” Twilight said with a smile. “We should start with the most pressing concern, the Coronation.” Twilight looked to Fancy Pants. “While I’ll be the first to admit it was a bit of a disaster, I presume the guests were at least satisfied?”
“Ah, of course Princess,” Fancy Pants replied. “The foreign representatives were overjoyed to be invited.” He proceeded to draw up a thick set of papers. “Though perhaps it would be more prudent to address the expenses of the celebration.”
“Of course,” Twilight agreed. “Hopefully things were not overly dear.” Her ministers exchanged some anxious looks amongst each other.
“Unfortunately Princess, the Coronation was an extraordinarily costly affair,” he sighed deeply. “The stress upon the treasury was already greatly strained by the repairs to the castle.” Twilight frowned. “It will be necessary to borrow to cover the expense.”
“Borrow?” asked Twilight with concern.
“Yes Princess, perhaps your brother and Princess Cadence would be willing to front us another loan?” He adjusted his monocle. “One hundred million bits would suffice at least in the short term.”
“One hundred million bits?” Twilight gasped, her head slamming back against her throne. “I c-can’t ask them for that! Are you crazy?” Twilight stopped herself. “I mean,” breathed Twilight. “I believe this course of action is ill-advised.”
“But P-Princess, the Crystal Empire has already loaned us substantial sums previously,” he stammered. “Surely another hundred million would not be presumptuous to request?” Twilight’s eyes bulged out at the implication.
“How much money do we owe them?”
“Well Princess, we owe the Crystal Empire roughly seventy-five billion bits,” said Fancy Pants.
“What!? Are you telling me the Crown is seventy-five billion in debt?” demanded Twilight.
“No, Princess.”
“Oh, thank goodness,” said Twilight as she exhaled in relief.
“The Crown is six hundred billion bits in debt.”
“T-this is im-impossible,” sputtered Twilight, her mane sprang up in several places as her once calm demeanour dissipated before an oncoming panic attack.
“Princess, if I may,” Raven spoke softly. “Princess Celestia was a wise and gracious ruler.” She fiddled with her glasses nervously. “However, she had...archaic concepts related to market economics. I fear many amongst the previous administration felt it improper to challenge the Princess on menial matters of government economic policy.”
“I warned the Princess that those Dragonfire Zeppelins were never going to be the future of international transport,” murmured Sir Witte. “Our investment went down in flames. Quite literally.”
“I refuse to believe that Celestia bankrupted this nation,” hissed Twilight. “She is intelligent, kind, beautiful and her smile makes me feel all tingly…” She shut her mouth abruptly as she realised she may have said too much. “Umm, what I mean is even if this is true, are you seriously telling me you didn’t interfere once to stop this madness?” Her wrathful gaze fell upon Fancy Pants.
“Princess, I am but your humble servant,” said Fancy Pants. “It is not my place to question Crown policy but to implement it.”
“This is a disaster,” moaned Twilight. “We need an immediate review of our financial situation.”
“Perhaps in the future Princess, but we must deal with the urgent concerns affecting the wellbeing of the nation,” protested Fancy Pants. “We will have to borrow again this quarter, or we default.”
“And we’ve borrowed from every nation under the sun, so our options are limited,” sighed Sir Witte.
“If we were not to borrow how much could we realistically pay?” asked Chancellor Neighsay. Fancy Pants grimaced.
“Half? Maybe less.”
“Of the debt?” interjected Twilight.
“Oh no, not the debt, but the interest on the debt.”
“Ughhhh,” cried Twilight as she slammed her head against the table.
“Uh, Princess? Are you well?” asked Raven with trepidation.
“Chancellor Neighsay!” shouted Twilight suddenly as she bolted upright. She sported a wide smile, in drastic contrast to her earlier downtrodden expression. “I would hear your report.”
“Princess, I still have more to say,” complained Fancy Pants. “We still need to address the-”
“I will return to this issue in due course, minister,” said Twilight evenly.
“But Princess-”
“I SAID I WILL-” boomed Twilight. She stopped, catching herself, and proceeded to offer the stallion a small smile. “I will return to your concerns in a moment Fancy, Chancellor Neighsay if you would please?”
“Unfortunately Princess, I also do not bring good news,” said Neighsay. His appearance was strained, and he surprisingly looked pale, despite his white coat. “Your educational reforms have not had the intended effect.”
“But my proposal to do away with the archaic systems promoted by the EEA was received positively!” objected Twilight. “The establishment of my cooperative student groupings allowed not only for more friendship focused lessons but also for greater input into the syllabus from the students.”
“Yes Princess, your proposal was quite revolutionary.” Neighsay’s eyes narrowed. “Too revolutionary.”
“What?”
“How can I explain this to you Princess, without causing upset?” Neighsay tapped the table lightly. “Your reforms, while doing away with the constrained and inflexible curriculum, have only helped radicalise the student body.”
“Radicalise?” repeated Twilight numbly.
“They refuse to attend classes and march on the streets in protest against, and I apologise in advance Princess, I am merely quoting what they speak of.” He pulled up a page before him. “The Imperial-fascistic state and its capitalistic system of government that seeks to oppress the working-class ponies of Equestria.” There was visible discomfort around the table, no more so than Twilight, who winced. Neighsay paused to collect himself, a bead of sweat ran down his forehead. “Headed by the depraved despotic dictator Twilight Sparkle.”
“I see their alliteration skills have at least not been affected,” huffed Sir Witte.
“I’m not a dictator,” Twilight whined. “A dictator centres all political power with themselves, often sharing that power amongst a small, loyal clique of followers to carry out their commands. We can all agree I’m nothing like that.”
Twilight spared a glance at her very privileged Council.
They did not meet their Princess’s gaze, some coughed lightly, others found the floor suddenly very interesting. After several more moments of silence and Twilight furiously blushing in embarrassment, she continued.
“Umm ah…moving on…who’s next?” She tried to steady herself by looking to a familiar face. “Tempest.”
“Yes Princess?” answered Tempest.
“I am glad you accepted your position,” said Twilight with notable appreciation in her voice. “I understand this transition has not been easy.” Tempest nodded curtly.
“I am honoured Princess to be your shield that guards the realm,” she said formally. Twilight scowled, they were still working on her overly formalistic manner.
“Your report Captain?” The lines of Tempest’s mouth tightened significantly.
“Per your request, I have conducted a review of Equestria’s security,” said Tempest evenly. “Consequently, I believe the Royal Guard, at present, are in a completely unacceptable state.” There were audible gasps around the table. Twilight blinked rapidly in surprise.
“E-excuse me?”
“If I may speak freely, Princess?” Twilight made no objection. “The Royal Guard is no more a functioning armed force than your friend Pinkie Pie is a qualified accountant.”
Twilight sighed sadly. Pinkie was terrible with numbers. She initially thought a calculator was a curator for calendars.
“Training is slack; experience is absent, the General Staff is full of either dithering old fools or inexperienced colts from the noble class,” said Tempest. “Considering its current state, I would not trust the Guard with raiding a pantry, let alone defending the borders of our country. I mean the Storm King’s forces practically just walked into Canterlot.” Twilight reeled as if struck. “It will take a decade to get the Guard into a reasonable fighting condition.”
“B-but, my brother was Captain of the Guard?” stated Twilight incredulously. “He never mentioned problems like that being present!”
“Princess Twilight, with all due respect, your brother, is an excellent soldier and diplomat, but a commander he is not,” snorted Tempest. “I fear your brothers’ position may have had more to do with his relationship with a member of the Crown and the Crown’s favourite than the merit of his command.” A collective ‘oooh’ sounded out from the Council, who quickly fell silent before Twilight’s dark glare.
“I resent the implication Tempest,” said Twilight heatedly. “But I guess I can’t fault you for your honesty. Afterall, I taught it to you.” Twilight sat with her head bowed.
Equestria was not just a mess.
It was an absolute disaster.
No wonder Celestia was so desperate to reform the Elements of Harmony. Her eyes fell upon the only minister still smiling, Sir Witte.
“How about you?” Twilight rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Let me guess, the real Grogar has returned, and his undead armies are currently picnicking in the countryside.” Sir Witte let out a hearty laugh.
“Afraid not Princess, but I do have good news for a change.”
“Really?” she asked all too eagerly. Sir Witte nodded before waving a bashful hoof.
“I am happy to announce that Your Majesty’s popularity ratings have never been higher.” Twilight beamed. Well, at least she was liked. “Assassination attempts on the Crown are down twenty percent.”
“Assassination attempts?” whispered Twilight, her smile immediately vanished.
“Oh yes, all the time,” he dismissively chuckled. “Celestia was famous for the number of assassinations she survived.”
“S-she never said anything about that,” gulped Twilight.
“Oh no, it’s not public knowledge, national security and all that good jazz.” Sir Witte’s joyous nature related to his work was not shared by his fellow ministers who appeared uncomfortable. “It seems that you have inherited your mentor's proclivity to being at the centre of such attempts. I mean we foiled one just this morning.”
“Wait a minute, this morning? Why wasn’t I informed?” Twilight felt like she was going to get sick.
“Oh well, you are being informed right now.” Witte scratched his chin. “I believe it was the old poison in the coffee cup, a classic one that.”
“But you said I was popular,” snapped Twilight, a headache thoroughly now present. “Why would ponies want to kill me?”
“Oh, ponies love their Princess,” Witte said with mirth. “But you are also potentially the most powerful being on the planet. Not a surprise someone out there wants you done in.” He threw a file down on the table, containing several mugshots of ponies. Twilight did not know many of them, but much to her horror, there were some she also knew very well.
Who knew the Quills and Sofa’s Salespony had a vendetta against her?
“Ah, even the assassins love you Princess,” continued Witte. “I’ve never seen them so remorseful about attempted murder before.” Witte smiled happily and leaned back, clearly satisfied. “I take these as positive developments.”
“Oh sweet divines, what have I got myself into?” cried Twilight to nopony in particular. She began to wonder if now was a wise time to consider running away to a monastery.
Yes, that sounded nice, she thought. Living out the rest of her immortal life surrounded by peace, quiet, learning and most important of all, books. But then again, she supposed she had a responsibility to fix a mess that was not entirely her fault.
Afterall had that not been Celestia’s training?
“Princess, if we may return to my briefing?” queried Fancy Pants, cutting off any further thoughts of sudden abdication.
“Sure, why not,” said Twilight glumly.
“Well, before I was interrupted, I was about to announce that our current budgetary crisis may soon be partly relieved.”
“Truly?” asked Twilight in surprise. “W-well go on!”
“Well, it is envisaged that Equestria can pay off half of its outstanding debt thanks to the dowry payment for the upcoming wedding,” he said. Twilight’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Wait a minute, dowry? Wedding?” Twilight looked bemusedly at her Council. “Who is getting married?”
Stony silence greeted her.
“I thought she knew,” whispered Neighsay under his breath to Raven, who began to slide slowly in her seat.
“Who?” asked Twilight again to no response. “Who?” she repeated, her tone now laced with worry. “Who?” Sir Witte was the only minister with a non-evasive reaction. He sported a wide, creepy smile and nodded his head toward her. Twilight’s jaw dropped at the realisation. “Oh no, no, no. Oh sweet Celestia NO!”
“Yes?” whimpered Fancy Pants. Twilight slammed her hooves furiously upon the table.
“Married!? I can’t get married! I mean I’ve never even-” Twilight gasped for air, as she began to hyperventilate. The room started to spin. “Who?”
“Prince Saladin, the heir to the Saddle Arabian Kingdom,” muttered Raven, only the top half of her head visible. “I assure you he’s meant to be a wonder of the world, a beautiful poet of legendary renown.”
“It also helps that he’s fabulously wealthy,” blurted Neighsay out bluntly.
“I can’t marry this, t-this Prince!” roared Twilight, her shadow loomed over her frightened Council. “I don’t even know him!”
“Celestia had assured us you were well aware of your engagement,” said Fancy Pants meekly.
“What?” The fire from Twilight’s eyes disappeared.
“Celestia explained that after your Coronation, your wedding would be in a month,” bumbled Fancy Pants. “To not overburden the coffers. Thus, the need to borrow in the short term.”
“I never agreed to this,” said Twilight with an eerie sense of calm. “Celestia is mistaken. I don’t consent to it, and I order you to ensure this monstrosity does not go ahead.”
“Princess?” Raven's voice was but a whisper, her tone so low it could have been mistaken for a mouse’s squeak. Twilight turned her head slowly, her heavy gaze settling upon Celestia’s former secretary.
“Yes?” said Twilight coldly.
“Umm, t-technically you have already accepted.”
There was an audible groan as the table strained under pressure. Raven continued.
“D-do you remember when the Princess and the Saddle Arabian ambassadors visited Ponyville some years ago? Just before your ascension?”
One of the windows in the room cracked.
“You put on a show for them? Do you recall?”
The room rumbled. Stone and wood churned violently.
“The purpose of their visit may not h-have been clear to you, b-but your display was a popular Saddle Arabian Courtship ritual. Albeit the use of animals was non-traditional, but the intent was all the same.”
The room became suddenly very chilly as if it were winter, despite the fact it was midday in Spring. Raven’s voice was barely audible at this point, but to Twilight it may as well have been thundered from the heavens.
“Y-your display was an indication of your intention to court. The ambassadors came to examine the potential match, a-and w-were extremely impressed.”
The windows shattered. The castle groaned as it vibrated violently.
“Saladin is very i-interested in c-consummating the m-”
“Please shut up Raven,” said Sir Witte, still displaying a smile, though significantly tenser. Fancy Pants had already fled the room. Neighsay hid behind his seat.
“B-But the sequence for the display was given directly to me by the Princess,” said Twilight quietly not entirely addressing Raven. “She said I was providing the entertainment. That it was essential that I complete the entire routine without fault…”
Twilight’s eyes widened in realisation.
The castle shuddered, stones fell from the ceiling, crashing around the frightened Council. The sky darkened, and the light dimmed within the room.
“Umm,” squeaked Raven, thoroughly terrified.
“Run,” said Tempest.
Celestia sighed contently as she sipped from her fruity drink. She lay upon the beach within her striped hammock. The sun was shining, the water glimmered a beautiful blue. A perfect day if there ever had been one.
“Ah, this is living,” said Celestia. She sported a sun hat and thick black sunglasses.
“Indeed, it is, sister,” agreed Luna, bathing in the midday sun.
“Paradise,” declared Celestia, gesturing with an outstretched hoof. She was content to lay out until the sun left the sky, thoroughly enjoying the peace and tranquillity of her retirement.
She was suddenly disturbed from her relaxation by the distant rumbling of far off mountains. The wind abruptly picked up into a fierce gale that blew Celestia’s hat away into the water. Upon this storm, a voice full of despair and anger could be heard crying out a singular word.
“CELESTIAAAAAAAA!”
“Oh no,” whispered Celestia, her eyes wide. She bolted upright from her hammock. Luna looked to her sister, her face full of fear.
“Does that mean?”
“Yes,” answered Celestia grimly. “Come, Luna, we must leave quickly. I heard Abyssinia is lovely this time of year.” Celestia gathered her things. “She will soon be here.”
“Sister, Twilight is a dear friend,” pleaded Luna. “Perhaps, it would be prudent to appeal to her better nature and ask for forgiveness?”
“Twilight is a wonderful mare, Luna,” said Celestia with a paternal smile. “I love her with all my heart. She is kind-hearted, generous and wise beyond all measure, no doubt you feel the same.”
The roar of the wind picked up as the sun turned a bright scarlet red. The clap of thunder boomed ever louder, and with each passing moment, it sounded as if it grew closer to Silver Shoals.
“But let us give her a hundred or so years to cool off.”
Author's Note
It should be noted that this is a super unserious story and was done purely for fun.
Inspiried by the episode 'Magic Duel' Twilight performed in front of those Saddle Arabian Ambassadors. I laughed at the concept of Equestria being like a real country and Twilight was being married off. The idea expanded from there.
I hope you guys enjoy it! Comments are appreciated!
