Cadance Hunts Down Ponies With A Love Shotgun

by Forgetful

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia
Length: 1040

As you do...

Long story short...

Love hurts.

Also, I have no idea why I wrote this!

Featured on 5/4/20, 5/5/20, 5/6/20, 5/7/20, 5/8/20 thank you for finding my bored ramblings as interesting.

Published 2020-05-04 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-04 02:10:01 UTC

Heart Attack

"I was on Luna's slumber guard last week." A gruff muscular bat pony spoke in a bored emotionless tone.

"Lucky bastard, a whole day of watching a beautiful mare sleep." A smaller framed bat pony chuckled, what he lacked in muscle was made up for in speed.

Both stallions stood at the door to the castle's main entrance. Small talk made up for about ninety-five percent of the guard career, you might never see a battle but would certainly hear interesting stories.

"I thought so too." Gruff snorted loudly.

"What went wrong?" Slim questioned curiously.

"She snores!" Gruff shook his head.

"Everypony snores!!" Slim defended the honor of his princess.

"It wasn't anything dainty or cute. - More like she was choking back snot, drool just pouring from her muzzle." Gruff fought back a cold shiver.

"Sure it wasn't just Sleep Apnea?" Slim arched a brow.

"Huh, could've been?" Gruff shrugged.

"You're horrible at…" Slim was suddenly blasted across the room by a wave of magic.

Gruff thrown against a nearby wall to his right. Fragments of the sturdy door littered around the room, the sound of calm collected hoofsteps echoed closer.

"I'm here to make love, and eat cake!" Cadance confidently cantered into the room with a serious gaze, a large pink shotgun floated at her side encased in magic.

Both guards gazed at the princess in both worry and awe.

"And I'm all out of cake!!" Cadance pumped the shotgun as she focused a comically oversized heart-shaped scope over Gruff.

"Princess, I know that running a kingdom can be hectic." Gruff stood up with a wince, he prayed he could talk her down.

"I have two barrels of infinite Love Bullets! ~ Don't talk to me about hell!" Cadance pointed the gun towards the stallion, who promptly began to chuckle.

"Love Bullets? - So it's like a toy?" Gruff continued to laugh uncontrollably.

"You dare laugh!?" Cadance narrowed both eyes annoyed.

"Go ahead and shoot, my heart is dead inside! - Cold, hard, and petrified!!" Gruff snapped as he lunged for the weapon.

With a loud bang, a blast of pink magic struck the guard. Gruff rolled across the room with a faint violet glow, his head lifted upward with large bright pink eyes that sparkled.

"I love you guys!" Gruff giggled on the floor innocently.

"Whatsyourface, no!!" Slim made a dash for the nearby wall, his hoof clutched an emergency bell giving it several loud rings.

"Foolish stallion!" Cadance lined up her shot, striking the guard on the backside.

Slim crumbled to the floor in a surge of pain, his body cramped as it was filled with a horrible warmth.

"I feel loved… IT BURNS!" Slim screamed in horror before leaping out the nearby window in constant agony.

The door to the throne room suddenly flung open, three oversized guards quick to surround the corrupted princess. She could only laugh at such a weak defense, gun lifted she scrunched her muzzle into a demented smile.

"I don't want you, walk away!" She gave the gun a loud pump.

"I'm here for the Princesses!!" Cadance narrowed her eyes in a wicked sense of delight.

The guard at the right made the first move, Cadance easily smashing him upside the skull with a loud crack. He fell to the floor with a thud as she blasted him in the face, his screams filled the palace with ease.

"I love everything, it's so horrible!" He vomited a pool of rainbows onto the floor frantically before he fainted.

Cadance hissed to the guard behind her, his massive hooves wrapped around her tiny frame in a pathetic attempt to stop the madness. She spread her wings out proudly, pushing him back before she delivered a buck to his chest.

He stumbled back as she blasted him with her gun, the stallion soon impaled on a unicorn statue that stood proudly in the corner.

"Only now, do I see that creating a family was the true adventure." He groaned in defeat as the guard's body went completely limp.

The last guard screamed in horror, his hooves lifted to shield himself from an incoming attack. "Please, I'm not ready to love again!" He curled up into a small ball on the cracked marble floor, his sobs a cruel melody to the princess.

"Nopony ever is!!" She shot him in the face as he crashed through the door, the room which held the princesses in perfect view to the alicorn.

Inside the Main Hall, Luna glared to the familiar intruder with a defiant glare of anger. "So you've come to spread your wretched love, I think you'll find us to be a formidable challenge…" Luna could hear a large door behind her open.

Luna let both ears fold back, her attention turned to Celestia who had climbed into the panic room behind the thrones. The magic proof barrier engulfing her in a blast of light, the blue alicorn could feel her heart sinking into her chest.

"I'll remember you!" Celestia pressed a button inside the room as the brick wall lifted upward, sealing the princess away in a protective swoosh.

Cadance grinned as she inched closer to her prey, Luna only able to lift a hoof upward in one final threat.

"If you strike me down now, I'll return stronger than you can ever…" Luna screamed as she was shot in the face with a love bullet.

The princess collapsed on the floor with a thud, Cadance walked closer in sadistic glee. Without saying a word she blasted her limp frame with another shot, standing over her body she began to laugh.

Luna's body shot again.

And again.

And again.

"And that's what my mommy does for work, as Princess of Love!" Flurry Heart giggled as she put away her school paper excitedly.

The whole class of parents, teachers, and students in silent awe.

"Oh, also when my Mommy and Daddy fight! ~ Daddy says she transforms into a harpy!!" Flurry waved over to a blushing Cadance from the front of the class.

Shining Armor, at her side in stunned silence.

"Hehehe, kids today!?" Cadance grinned sheepishly.

She felt her ears pin back embarrassed, nopony in the room saying a word.