Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Dean Grasping Hoof was in a terrible state of disarray. Never before had anypony been such a thorn in his side. He'd been used, for something bordering on thirty years, to just threatening anypony he wished with termination of employment, or expulsion, and they would fall in line. "BUT THIS DAMNED ROANÉ HAYCARTES FELLOW!" The Dean got into the habit of screaming. He just wasn't afraid of him.

Twice a week they'd repeat the circus of one of his lackeys complaining of some terrible thing that Haycartes had done, something that if any other pony tried he'd expel then without a second thought. Then that damned earth pony would be called in already filling out an official complaint. They'd argue, and Haycartes would always prove either his own innocence, or his professor's morbid incompetence, then he'd trot out a free pony. Not a care in the world.

The Dean's dentist was visited regularly about the pain caused by all the teeth grinding he'd been doing this semester. Grasping Hoof could handle this though. He didn't get to where he was by being pushed around by upstarts. He knew that if he kept at it one day he'd slip up. That damned pony's pride would get in the way someday. Then he'd have him. He just needed to angle that demon into quitting of his own volition.

Dr Hoofenmeier, professor of economics was not having a good day. She was giving her lecture in the way one speaks when at spear point. The Demon of Diogeneigh's Hall was glaring murderously at her. She'd grown used to his resting mule face but this was different, this was terrifying. His eyes were blood shot, his face pale.

"Und zo, zat ist ven die." She was sweating bullets at the look of barely contained fury. She swallowed, picking her words carefully. "D-d-die zentral bonk auf Ekveztria vas established, to ztabilise the currenzy.

She couldn't stand the tension. Haycartes wasn't even taking notes like he usually did, he just kept staring and every few seconds he would shake slightly. That thought struck die guet doktor. She looked at the Demon and noticed the slight shake. This wasn't a glare of rage, this was a pony in pain.

"FUR GOTT'S ZAKE JUNG ZIR, GO TO ZE BAZROOM!" She shouted realizing the issue. Haycartes wasn't glaring at her, he was holding in the need to vomit.

The Demon normally would've burst into a tirade about the evils of skipping class, but a prolonged argument with Wordsmith about whether or not it was lying to flatter a pony to get them to agree with you, over many MANY pints late into the morning prevented him from saying anything but the shortest quietest "no".

The doctor continued her lecture with more ease but the second the hour rang the door burst outwards and was almost knocked off of its hinges. The sound of loud retching could be heard from outside. Haycartes wiped off his muzzle and staggered towards his dorm. Praise be to Celestia he didn't have anymore classes that day.

He darted from bush to bush so that he could retch and eventually Sawbones caught up with him. "Oh come now Cartes, don't go around spreading bile all about campus, terribly rude." He lifted Haycartes foreleg over his shoulder and grabbed a fast food bag from a trash can with his magic. "Come on you drunkard, let's get some water in you." He helped his sickly neighbor along the sidewalk when they heard his name called out.

It was Flighty Thoughts,she was panting hard. "HAYCARTES! Thank Celestia I found you. Please come quick, Daze is freaking out and cutting her wings off. We need somepony who knows fillysophy to talk her down. Hurry!" Instantly the sickly pony regained his strength and galloped off after the pegasus.

"Well somepony isn't feeling any ill effects." He galloped off after the two. The three arrived at the female dorm, and the crowd of ponies trying to soothe the irrational pegasus were shouldered aside. In the shower was a pale yellow pegasus who'd been crying and cutting feathers off of her wings. She was threatening anypony who tried to come near and wouldn't stop repeating. "I'm real, I'm here. I know I exist. I'M REAL!"

Haycartes had everypony leave the room and they crowded around the doorway to see. He slowly approached the unstable pony, hooves raised. She saw him approaching and brandished the shearing scissors at him shrieking. "STAY BACK. HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE REAL?" He didn't stop his approach. She screamed for him to stop again but he just kept slowly approaching.

She plunged the scissors into his shoulder, and the watching ponies gasped in horror. He didn't break eye contact. He finally spoke. "Now what did that solve?" She backed away from him into the corner of the shower. She stared, ashamed at what she'd done. She broke down and wept bitterly. The earth pony sidled up next to the weeping mare and wrapped a hoof around her. She clutched him and cried into his chest, soaking his coat.

Finally her tears petered out and Haycartes asked. "Now. Why don't you think you exist?"

The pegasus sniffled and wiped her muzzle. "Well, it's just. We are horses. We know we are horses. Why do we need to keep reminding ourselves that we are horses?" She stood up and started getting worked up again. "Every City! Every town. Every name has to do with horses in some way!"

She plopped down and her voice became a terrified whisper. "And everywhere I go, I see the same few ponies. I went to Manehattan to visit my cousin last week, I saw Flighty Thoughts, but it wasn't Flighty Thoughts. She had a different hat on, but pink pegasus same cutie mark, different accent, but same pony. And it's like that all over!"

She started to cry again. "Do we exist? How do we know we exist?" The terrified pegasus as well as every pony listening felt a cold chill creep up their spine at the sound they heard. They heard the Demon of Diogeneighs' Hall laughing. In this situation, in this terrible place, he was actually chuckling.

"What a silly thing to worry about." He finished his chuckle and sat up with the scissors still sticking out of his shoulder. "Okay let's say for the sake of argument we don't exist. What would that change? We would continue to act exactly the same way. And if we exist, we exist. It's a non argument." He chuckled to himself again.

The terrified pegasus couldn't help but giggle at the thought. "Yeah, huh. I guess but what about." She was cut off as Haycartes resumed.

"Now what put this silly notion in your head?" He gave Sunny a gentle reassuring squeeze.

"Oh umm, we're studying existentialism in fillysophy class with professor Sophistry and he said we can't prove we exist."

Haycartes' gentle mood evaporated instantly. He sprang to his hooves. "Go with Sawbones to the clinic about your wings." Sunny Daze stretched her wings painfully where they'd been nicked by the scissors. She threw her front legs around his neck, knocking the scissors out of his shoulders. He hissed at the pain. She cried into his shoulder and thanked him between sobs.

Haycartes dislodged himself and exited the bathroom. Sawbones started off with the injured pegasus and Haycartes trotted off towards Diogeneighs' Hall. He bucked open the door to professor Sophistry's class causing every pony inside to jump. Several ponies hooted knowing instantly that they were in for a show.

Haycartes grabbed Sophistry by the tie. "YOU. DON'T. THINK. WE. EXIST. ARE YOU JUST AN IDIOT OR ARE YOU MENTALLY ILL?" The audience cheered at the display.

Professor Sophistry held up his hooves defensively. "Well I mean umm. How do we know? How could one.-"

"COGITO. ERGO. SUM. I think therefore I am. If we didn't exist we couldn't ask if we exist you moron!" The crowd stopped cheering to take notes. "I will not stand for this lunacy at this University!" He charged out just as he had charged in, leaving the room in stunned silence.

Wordsmith exited the clinic and sighed in relief. He was sincerely proud of his friend, who was trotting right in front of him towards the Dean's office. "Oh no!"

"Roané, stop!" The medical scrubs green unicorn called out to his dorm mate, who was cutting a fast trot towards his impending expulsion.

"Good afternoon Sawbones." The dark brown earth pony said in his trademark hard voice without slowing down or looking at him.

"Roané stop! Professor Sophistry is the Dean's oldest crony! He's never going to listen to you. Just let it go!" The fillysophy major finally stopped, rounding on the medical student.

"That pony!" He whipped a hoof towards Diogeneighs' Hall. "Thinks that reality is contingent upon perspective! I will not have this lunacy in my University." With that he started his trot again. The unicorn brought up the rear.

"You want objective reality? Well here's a fact. If you bad mouth the professor. YOU. WILL. BE. EXPELLED. Don't you care? You've gotten away with a lot of stuff this semester but criticising the curriculum itself. I don't know if they'll take that."

The unicorn was unfortunately trying to reason with the Demon of Diogeneighs' Hall. The same pony who knocked out a protestor, not because of what he said, but for skipping class to attend the protest. He may as well have tried to convince Celestia not to raise the sun.

"If this University's policy is that reality depends on reason then I want no part of it." The fillysopher said as he started climbing the stairs to the Star Swirl the Bearded Hall.

The unicorn dashed in front of him, horn glowing, front legs outstretched. "I'm not going to let-" Unfortunately that was as far as the unicorn got, before his slender frame was picked up bodily under the forelegs, and deposited behind the stoic earth pony. He blinked a few times as the doors closed behind him.

Sawbones knew he would lose this argument, but the speed at which he had failed honestly surprised him. "Well, nice knowin ya." The poet said sadly to himself. He trotted away to his volunteer work at the campus clinic. The outraged fillysophy student continued his death trot towards Dean Grasping Hoof's office.

The Dean of Royal Canterlot University was a portly off white unicorn who had any and all of the classic vices. He was conniving, egotistical, vain, greedy, selfish, but very worst of all. He wanted you to know it. His favorite pastime was displaying and illustrating his wealth and accomplishments. From expensive vacations, to expensive homes, to expensive wives that he replaced almost biyearly, he never grew tired of saying "Look at me and what I have, aren't you jealous?"

The Dean had seized power at RCU by subterfuge and sabatoge. He had created a climate of nepotism, and sycophancy centered around himself. You want to work at RCU? You gotta know the Dean. You want your foal to go to RCU? You gotta know the Dean. It was the door of the office of this pony of all ponies that the Demon of Diogeneighs' Hall bucked in.

"DEAN HOOF I NE~" was as far as Roané Haycarte got before his entire body shut down. Instead of the Dan Backslidian college Dean he had expected, he saw the single most beautiful pony he had ever laid eyes upon.

It was Picturesque. The Dean's most prized possession. His beloved daughter from his first wife. His only foal. She was a light tan coated pegasus with a long flowing golden mane and tail. A pleased smile on her lips. She had her eyes closed and was expertly plucking a full tower harp with both hooves and wing tips.

She was in the very bad habit of going about most of her life with her eyes closed. Her father kept her in a perfect bubble of protection and wantlessness that she never really needed to look where she was going or what she was doing. Daddy would handle it, was the universal response. So she continued to play while the staggered pony stood there in shock.

The fire in the fillysopher's belly had been absolutely extinguished. He continued to stand there jaw agape, eyes bulging, mind blank. Finally the pegasus finished her song and opened her eyes. The shock to the earth pony was cruel. His sensation went from universal stillness to the rest of the world falling out from under him.

She had intensely violet eyes that set the demon internally reeling. Picturesque finally noticed that the door was open and that there was a pony standing there. She did not notice that he stood knees weak, jaw slack, drool slowly tracing down one side of his muzzle.

Because of the permanent bubble of safety she lived in she had no knowledge of fear, so she introduced herself to the strangely behaving pony. "Bonjour, Je M Appelle Picturesque." She said in the sweetest voice the warm fields of Prance ever produced. "My father is out right now, but I'm sure he'll be back any minute."

Roané Haycarte's hind brain vaguely processed that somepony was speaking to him and that the appropriate response was to answer, but the thinky, talky part of his brain didn't seem to want to work right now. So hind brain took a crack at it. What came out was a half muttered incoherent stream of syllables. Good job hind brain!

The pegasus finally noticed the odd posture and bearing of the earth pony. She asked if he was feeling well. His loquacious response was a single drop of drool hitting the floor. "Oh you poor dear, you must be having an episode, here let me take you to the clinic." The pegasus said rising, and stepping with her elegant gait towards the dazed earth pony.

Hind brain processed that the thing that broke the thinky talky part of his brain was now coming towards him. It found that vaguely worrying. Maybe more talking will help. A slightly louder puddle of mouth noise came out of the usually erudite pony. It didn't seem to work. Fuck you hind brain.

Picturesque wrapped a foreleg around Haycartes'. The contact sent a shockwave through his entire body. His face was red hot. His knees buckled. Hind brain decided "nothing to do here" and went to wherever the thinky talky bit had fucked off to.

The pegasus supported the now limp, brain dead earth pony and gently led him out of the building. The clinic was on the other side of campus, so a great many ponies saw the Angel of RCU, and the demon of Diogeneighs' Hall walking foreleg in foreleg. Several ponies fainted, a few took pictures. Every single faculty member that saw galloped towards the Dean's office.

Eventually the two reached the clinic. Sawbones was assisting a pony who'd had too much to drink when he saw them walk in. The unicorn almost had a heart attack. He dropped the bucket the sick pony had been filling causing it to splash onto the poor thing. He galloped over to his friend and stammered out a greeting to Picturesque.

"Please I think he might be having some sort of episode." The pegasus said.

"Don't worry ma'am." The unicorn said out loud. In his head he was screaming. "He's going to be murdered when the Dean finds out so a little seizure is the least of his worries."

The pair helped the babbling mess over to a bed, the unicorn trying his damndest to not even touch the pegasus. The medical student covered the fillysophy major up and bowed to the Angel of RCU. He muttered something about taking care of him. She looked in concern at the now catatonic pony lying pathetically on the hospital bed. "Merci." Was all she said and with that she flew away back towards her father's office.

After the instant death sentence was well and truly gone, Sawbones collapsed onto the floor in relief. He knew he would be expelled instantly if he was even seen in the same room as the Dean's daughter, much less talking to her. He put his head between his hooves and exhaled hard refocusing his mind.

He looked at his friend who was now staring unblinking at the ceiling. His horn glowed brightly into each of the earth pony's eyes having no effect. He didn't have time to be concerned about this very serious medical issue because at that moment the thinky, talky part of Roané Haycarte 's brain roared back to life with a vengeance.

He screamed right in Sawbones' face. The unicorn screamed and flailed backwards accidently knocking over a biohazard bucket full of used needles. Several of which stuck into the screaming earth pony. The fillysophy student continued screaming but now with several needles sticking out of him. The medical student screamed at having caused his friend to be cross contaminated.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" the earth pony said rising and flailing about the room.

"I'M SORRY! YOU FUCKIN STARTLED ME! STAND STILL!" The unicorn said trying get get his magic to lock onto a needle.

"WHY COULDN'T I TALK? WHY COULDN'T I THINK. WHY IS MY CHEST EXPLODING. WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?" The earth pony screamed needles flopping off of him as he flailed. The thinky talky bit of his mind tried to make up for lost time during its hiatus while on the stroll with Picturesque so he was screaming a mile a minute.

The unicorn stopped dumb founded. The screaming flailing pony wasn't talking about the needles. He was talking about the pony who'd brought him in. The unicorn doubted he even knew they were there.

"I WAS DISTRACTED FROM MY PURPOSE! AND WORST OF ALL!" The distraught pony plopped down onto his haunches a hoof pressed to his heart. "Why does it feel so good?" He stared straight ahead once again seeming to be catatonic.

Sawbones sighed heavily. "This is not my area of expertise my friend. Wordsmith'll handle that. But right now you're in very real danger. I have no idea what any of those needles contained or who they were used on so we need to collect every single one and monitor you. You need to go to the actual hos.- You're not even listening are you?" In fact the sitting pony was not listening. His hind brain barely even registered that his friend was there.

Sawbones started picking up the various needles that had fallen. Finally the statue still pony started to shift as if uncomfortable. He reached under him and pulled a needle out of his leg that he had been sitting on. He studied it then noticed he looked like a medical pin cushion. He looked up at his friend.

"Sawbones my friend. How have I wronged you so that you stick me so full of needles." Sawbones laughed in spite of himself. That was just Haycartes' way. He never attributed malice. You could buck him in the face and his first question would be "is your hoof alright". Then he would ascertain whether or not the strike was justified. Then and only then would he procede to kick your ass.

They would find out later that the needles had just contained saline and we're used on a training dummy for practice finding a vein.