Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Wordsmith lay facing the night sky, his eyes the size of dinner plates. He was in a very odd way. He had just taken, and been taken by, a stallion, and what's worse. He had enjoyed it. A lot. More so than he was comfortable admitting to himself. A slew of questions racked his brain. What did that make him? What did that make them? What the FUCK was he going to tell his father the Duke of Saddlesbury.

He looked down at the stallion gently sleeping, his head laying against the poet's chest, his foreleg strewn lazily across his stomach, a small smile on his sleeping face. He didn't understand it but he knew he wanted to be there. For reasons he didn't want to process right now, it felt right. He decided all these concerns could wait until later. Right now there was a much easier mystery to solve.

He shuffled out from under his new. "Nope not right now." He stood up and winced at an unfamiliar pain. That was going to take some getting used to. "Come on bones." He cringed at the phrasing. He'd have to find a new nickname for his. "NOPE NOT RIGHT BLOODY NOW!"

Sawbones groggily lifted his head. "What's right now?" He pawed at the spot of grass suddenly devoid of Wordsmith, and pouted slightly..

"Up lad! We have to go see what's all this nonsense with our fallen comrade." He helped Sawbones up to his hooves. He started an awkward lope down the mountainside. He was not sure how he'd ever get used to this.

Sawbones called out after his poet. "Smith?" He sidled up to the other unicorn sheepishly. "Are you. . . okay, with." A hoof on his lips stopped him.

"Dear colt, much has happened in the last few hours. Much too much to process right this second." He tried not to look away from his. "Nope not right now. So let's go deal with this first and we'll discuss. . . that later."

Sawbones stared hard at the other unicorn. Wordsmith looked around not certain of what his. . . blank wanted. The stare intensified and the poet got the message. "Oh really? Right now? You're doing this right now." The stare didn't falter, but a hint of hurt crept into it.

Wordsmith rolled his eyes hard and groaned. "Oh fine damn you!" He gave Sawbones a small peck on the lips. Instantly Sawbones was happy as a lark. He grinned ear to ear as he bounded Pinkie Pie style down the mountainside. "Well somepony's not feeling any ill effect." The poet complained under his breath.

"So where we goin?" The bouncing unicorn asked in a sing song voice.

"Well apparently I've been such an ogre about love, I suppose it's up to me to set this whole bug bear to rights."

"And how're we gonna do that, may I ask."

"Picturesque would've had to have filed for a transfer weeks ago. Yes? Well if she loves him so much, why would she do such a thing?"

"Well maybe it wasn't her. Maybe Daddy dearest signed her up." Wordsmith stopped in his shaky tracks. Grasping Hoof was the Dean of the single most prestigious University on the planet. If anypony could push through a transfer order it was him. He tried to break into a gallop. "Oh I am an AASSS!" He groaned out in pain at the aching from his latter half. His back legs buckled under him.

Sawbones' levity turned to concern. "Smithy are you alright."

Wordsmith teeth ground together with frustration and he shouted, "NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT. I'M CONFUSED, AND SCARED AND MY ARSE HURTS, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS. AND MY BEST FRIEND'S ABOUT TO LOSE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, AND MY ARSE FUCKING HURTS! AND ALL I WANT TO DO IN THE WORLD IS NOT! FUCKING! TALK! ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW." He whimpered slightly at the ache.

Sawbones blinked away the shock of the tirade and smiled compassionately on his butthurt lover. He cast a pain killer spell he knew. Wordsmith let out the smallest "thank you" as they traipsed down the mountainside.

Picturesque hadn't slept. She'd been up all night crying and trying to write a heart broken farewell to the pony she loved. Every time she would start she'd ruin the letter with tears and have to start over. It was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.

She heard the smallest tink against her window. She looked at it perplexed of what could've caused the noise when it happened again. She got closer and a third time the sound was repeated and she saw something bounce off of the window.

She saw two unicorns standing on the ground and one was levitating a pebble in his magic. "That's a very odd thing for a pony to do. I should tell them to stop that, before they accidently break the window." She thought to herself. She opened the window and in the least discrete voice ever spoken she called out. "Why are you throwing pebbles at my window?"

Oddity of oddities the two unicorns had the gall to shush her. They whispered something that she couldn't hear. "What? Speak up please I can't.-" The two very odd unicorns shushed her again and then had a very heated whispered argument. One levitated the other in his magic and the deep blue one started to rise slowly towards the window.

"Shhhh! Do you want the Dean to have us both killed? He hissed.

"Why are you throwing pebbles at my window?" She asked in a normal speaking tone, not being aware of the etiquette required for a secret rendezvous, despite her national origin.

"Because we need to speak to you and." Wordsmith began.

"Then why don't you just knock on the door and come inside?" She interrupted.

Wordsmith facehoofed. "These two belong together." He thought to himself. He spoke slowly as one does to a child or to the very dense. "Because it is considered inappropriate for a stallion to call on a lady in the middle of the night, and your father wouldn't allow it. But we need to talk to you so will you come down here please." He gave a strained smile. Picturesque was uncertain. She'd just been attacked by two unicorns and was unsure about going down to talk to two unicorns alone, in the middle of the night.

On the ground Sawbones was gritting his teeth and straining under the weight he was levitating. "No go ahead, don't mind me. Talk all night why don't ya." He looked up to see what the delay was and got distracted. "Smithy's ass looks great by moonlight. Wait why is it getting bigger?" He was met with a face full of the rear end that he'd recently become very acquainted with. Mercifully both were spared him landing on his horn.

Picturesque was disarmed at the sight of one unicorn rubbing his muzzle and the other rubbing his plot, and decided the two meant no harm. She fluttered gently down to them and helped Sawbones to his hooves. “Wait I know you now. You are mon amours bosom companions. He speaks very highly of you!”

Sawbones rubbed the last of the soreness out of his muzzle and answered. “ Yes that’s why we’re here. Why are you leaving Haycartes?”

Picturesque was startled at the notion. “I am doing no such thing!”

“Then why did you transfer to Maresailles?” Wordsmith said finally rising and joining the other two.

“I DIDN’T!” Her ears drooped “Mon pére did. He transferred me without my knowledge or consent. He desires me to be educated in Prançe in accord with mon mére’s wishes.” Her eyes filled with tears.

Sawbones nodded to Wordsmith in silent confirmation of his hunch. Wordsmith continued the inquiry. “Then why in Equestria would you put the acceptance letter on his door?”

Once again the pegasus was in shock. “I would never!”

The unicorns looked at each other and said. “Daddy Dearest.”

Picturesque looked back and forth between the two unicorns in confusion. “ What about mon pére?”

Wordsmith rolled his eyes. “These two really do belong together. My dear it’s no secret that your father is not exactly the biggest fan of your relationship with our dear Roané.”

“He put a copy of your acceptance letter on Cart's door to make him think you were breaking up with him.” The other unicorn explained.

She gasped. “Mon pére would never do such a dreadful thing!”

“Then how would we have heard about it?” The poet asked Plaintively.

Picturesque looked at the ground then back at the two unicorns. “This is all too horrible. What must he think of me?” She put a hoof to her lips.

Wordsmith put a comforting hoof on her shoulder.“He didn’t doubt you for a second my dear.” He said rubbing his sore jaw. “But he would like to know what’s going on.”

She sprang into the air. “Yes I simply must see him!” And with that she was gone.

The two unicorns watched fly off into the distance. “Well Cart certainly owes me one.” Wordsmith said smiling to himself. Sawbones frowned at him. “Hmm? Oh yes, well I suppose you helped AH!”

Wordsmith was startled out of his self praise by Picturesque landing two inches in front of him. He sprang reflexatorily into Sawbones hooves. "Pardonne-moi. But I don't know where he is?" The two unicorns blinked for a moment. It occurred to both of them that neither did they.

The trio set out as fast as Wordsmith could limp to Canterlot General. It was the closest hospital to the University and a logical place to start. They walked into the waiting room and Sawbones stepped forward to ask the receptionist, being of the medical profession he assumed he would be able to talk his way in, but of course we all know what happens when you assume. He waddled away, tail literally between his legs. "What a terribly unhelpful pony." He whimpered.

Wordsmith was indignant. "Nopony talks to my little Boney like that exc.-" Both unicorns blushed furiously at his phrasing. Sawbones looked away bashfully and pawed at the ground with his hoof. Wordsmith scuttled over to the desk and started barking orders in his most imperious Saddlesbury accent. If there was one thing Canterlot ponies respected it was royalty. "My good sir, a dear friend of mine was assaulted and taken away in an ambulance. Now it is of paramount importance that we find him and I'll not take no for an answer. Now I am the future Duke of Saddlesbury and if I am delayed in my search the Duke will hear about this. IS THAT CLEAR?"

The receptionist didn't look up from his magazine. "Though we're not in Saddlesbury are we." He sniffed the air. "What smells like sweat, and sodomy and shame?" He glanced at the poet over his reading glasses. Wordsmith scuttled back to the other two. Sawbones lifted a hoof to speak. "Not right now." Wordsmith whispered.

Picturesque stepped lightly over to the receptionist desk, tears poised to fall in the corners of her eyes. "Pardon me sir, I call myself Picturesque. The stallion I love was savagely beaten this evening, and then was the victim of a lie most cruel. Please good sir, I must see him." She breathed the word again. "Please?"

Instantly the receptionist stood up and took both of her front hooves in his. "I'll take you right to him ma'am." She bowed and the two trotted off. The two unicorn's jaws hit the floor.

They stood in mute astonishment for a while until Sawbones said. "Sh-should we follow them?"

"Well clearly she's got it handled better than we do, and I don't know about you but I need a drink." He started to walk away but the pain from his latter half caught up with him again and he winced audibly.

Sawbones once again cast the mild pain killer spell on his lover and tried his best not to feel proud how bad he had wrecked him. "Better?" he asked.

The other unicorn wrapped his front right around the stallion's front left, to the great delight of Sawbones. "Much." With that the two walked out of the hospital.

Picturesque was led to room 420 and silently slipped inside. She had to choke back tears, seeing him in such a pitiable state. He had several medicated compresses bandaged against his ribs, and he had a respirator tube in his nose. He looked so very tired. She silently slipped over to the bed and wrapped her wings around him protectively. "Oh mon pauvre bien-aimé."

Haycartes didn't open his eyes but he kissed her hoof and rubbed his head against her cheek. His voice was a croak as he said. "Why?"

Picturesque took both of his hooves in her's and pleaded desperately. "My love you know I wouldn't leave you." Haycartes could hear the tears in her voice. "My father transferred me without my knowledge. He says I should be educated in Prançe in accordance with the wishes of my mother." She grabbed his head and held him tightly. "I'm so sorry my love. I'm so sorry." All she could do was weep. She couldn't stand the thought of losing him.

He kissed her hoof reassuringly. "I'm so glad." He breathed.

"But mon amour, why are you glad this is terrible?" She said breathlessly.

Haycartes slowly opened an eye and looked intensely at her. "Will you go?"

Picturesque put her head softly against his chest." What else can I do? I mustn't go against the wishes of my parents but I cannot leave you." She kissed his head and looked tearfully into his eyes. "Please mon amour, what shall we do? To choose between mon pére and mon amour is simply too horrible."

They sat in silence for a long while her head on his chest, enjoying what could easily be their last moment together. No. He would not allow this. Picturesque had sworn never to leave him and she needed him right now. He painfully sat up. "Your devotion to your family is commendable, but you are an adult. You cannot be forced to attend if you do not wish it. We'll talk with your father and convince him to allow you to stay."

Picturesque grabbed Haycartes bodily up and squeezed him shouting. "Merci! Merci! Merci Beaucoup mon amour! I'll have him take me to La Calembour de Cheval Dan's Prançe tomorrow at five. It's the only place in Canterlot to get decent food from my home." The tubes in his nose were disconnected and she didn't stop squeezing him until she heard the smallest gasp of pain escape his throat. She put him back into his bed, red faced, and he eventually stopped gritting his teeth in agony.

Once he got his breathing under control they kissed goodnight. "Remember tomorrow at Five. She whispered as she slowly released his hoof." She was about to shut the door when she heard the smallest voice call out to her. She looked at her stricken lover expecting some parting sweet nothing.

"Please send in a nurse as you go." Haycartes whispered through clenched teeth. Her face went red with embarrassment but she did as he asked. She exited the hospital light as a feather. She flew slowly home spirit soaring. Her problem was solved. She wouldn't have to choose between her lover and her family. Her noble Roané would just convince her dear father to let her stay. All was right in her world.

Oh you poor poor silly pony.