Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Royal Canterlot University cut an inspiring figure in the bright morning sunlight. Its towers reared over the surrounding landscape. Its marble columned library showed unquestionably who's University this was. Established at the dawn of the Celestine age by Star Swirl the Bearded himself under the watchful eye of his greatest disciple the sun goddess herself, it was the central hub of all wisdom and knowledge in Equestria.

Arcane secrets we're delved by its sorcerers. Its place in the universe was scrutinized with ever growing clarity by its scientists and fillysophers. Its students would go on to be the very cream of the intellectual crop of the world.

At least that's what the architecture would have you believe.

The reality was entirely less inspiring. Once helmed by the greatest minds the world had to offer, its faculty had degenerated into a cesspool of sycophancy and nepotism. Each post filled, not by the most suited but by the most favored.

Whereas its mission statement was to seek out and develop the greatest minds in Equestria to help tackle the ever more puzzling issues of the future. Its clientele were now only those who could afford the outrageous sums. Where once ponies came to learn what is and why, now the brats of aristocrats came to be stamped with the mark of instant acceptance to the highest posts in the land.

Dean Grasping Hoof, an overweight off white unicorn, had any and all of the classic vices. He was slovenly, conniving, vain, and worst of all, he wanted you to know it. He never lacked an excuse to display his accomplishments.

From formal dinners, to parties at his country home, to all conversations, he never tired of showing. "Hey look at me and what I own aren't you jealous?" His name, as most pony's names do, fit his personality uncannily well. He had obtained his position as Dean of the most prestigious University on the planet by subterfuge and sabotoge. Bad mouthing his subordinates to his superiors, and playing his superiors against each other until there were none left.

And a certain dark brown earth pony was about to wade into this quagmire.

His first class was introduction to fillysophy under professor Sohpistry. A snow white stick of a unicorn. His reputation was less than savory. Hold Please had warned the intrepid Earth pony not even to make eye contact. The professor always made somepony cry on the first day.

Without fail he had received a formal complaint from the school psychologist at least once a year, every year, for the duration of his tenure for the extra work load the professor caused him to have. He magically kept his room uncomfortably cold year round and his voice was icy to match.

Several boffins about Equestria noticed a distinct lack of fillysophers for a city the size and age of Canterlot, and some contributed the lack thereof to this particular pony. A vulgar observer would describe his demeanor as follows. "The stick is so far up his ass that a clever pony could use him as a ventriloquy dummy."

Roané Haycarte sat down front and center, right in the path of the storm. After the morning bell had subsided a hard thin voice croaked out. "I am Sophistry. Professor Emeritus of Fillysophy."

His train of thought was violently derailed when he noticed that, against the usual custom of nopony sitting anywhere in the first three rows, some brash pony had made the mistake of sitting in the front row. Worse the scoundrel was even making eye contact! "How rude." The scholar thought to himself.

He cleared his throat and continued his introduction. "Xeneighphon defined fillysophy as the method of applying logic to scientific observation. He w~"

"Aristrotle sir." Haycarte's voice rang out.

The professor's icy gaze fell with full malice on the interruptor. "Excuse you sir?" The unicorn growled.

"That is how Aristrotle defined fillysophy. You accidentally said Xeneighphon sir." The Earth pony said flatly, arrogant eye contact remaining unbroken.

The professor's mind raced. He had in fact said the wrong fillysopher's name but tartarus would freeze over before he would admit that. "And just what do you know about Xeneighphon?" The horned stick sneered, deciding to go on the offensive.

Any other pony would've understood that the professor had been embarrassed and was now taking it out on them, but Roané thought there was nothing more natural than a teacher asking a student a question. "Well he was a student of Socreighntes, contemporary of Plathoof, writer and protagonist of the Gallop of the Ten Thousand."

The interrogator was speechless. Apparently the upstart knew plenty about Xeneighphon. Sophistry looked around desperately. All his students were either frantically taking notes, benefiting from any scrap of knowledge they could, or giggling quietly to themselves at the spectacle. He shot them a glare that silenced all.

The professor's voice cracked as he spat. "A very astute pony you. Perhaps YOU should like to teach this class." The professor's confidence built slightly at the slight.

"I don't have the requisite degrees sir." Again taking the professor's word seriously. Another trickle of chuckles escaped the students.

The unicorn's eye twitched as he shouted. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO SIT IN THE HALL SIR?!" The rest of the students gasped at the sudden shriek.

The stoic Earth pony never let someone's volume or emotion distract from an argument. All he said in his same harsh voice was . "No sir. I would like to learn fillysophy." The few remaining unstunned ponies tried to stifle their giggles.

The enraged unicorn didn't lower his voice to reply. "THEN I SUGGEST YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, AND LET US GET BACK TO DISCUSSING XENEIGHPHON!" The professor turned, allowing his tail to whip the offending pony in disdain.

His triumph quickly turned to horror as in the same level voice without any irony or arrogance. "Aristrotle sir." The class could no longer hold in their mirth and laughed openly. The professor could no longer sustain the assault to his pride and he charged out of the classroom in tears.

The assembled ponies sat stock still in shock. They had all from one source or another heard about Professor Sophistry. They knew that every year someone in this class cried, but never in a thousand years did they imagine it would be him. The class broke out into a cheer lifting Haycarte onto their shoulders and paraded out of class.

For all of two seconds.

Roané snapped for them to put him down. "What in Celestia's name are you all cheering about?" He scowled from pony to pony, whose exaltation had turned to dread. "A pony just had a nervous breakdown in front of you and you're celebrating it!" He shouted. The impromptu parade ponies now looked at the ground in shame, a few rubbed a hoof against a foreleg in embarrassment.

A pink pegasus mare stepped up sheepishly and tried to justify their levity. "But, but don't you know who that was? That was the Dragon of Diogeneighs' Hall! Professor Sophistry! He's." She fumbled for the proper word. "Mean! Every year he makes somepony cry!"

Haycartes bored holes into the mare's eyes."Is that any excuse to delight in somepony's misery?" His voice was hard and cold as ice. The assembled ponies gasped and a few once again decided to take notes.

The young fillysopher turned curtly and trotted out of the building, normal resting mule face in it's full force. "Though I was denied a class that I paid for. The Dean will hear about this."
Roané made his way towards Star Swirl the Bearded Hall to file a formal complaint.

Outside of the building there were about fifty ponies of all persuasions holding signs and chanting discordantly. Haycartes was about to attempt to go around the crowd when a sign was forced into his hooves and he was shoved into the center of the shouting ponies.

He tried to explain himself but a lanky earth pony wrapped a foreleg around his neck and shouted right in his ear. "HEY BUDDY! THANKS FOR COMIN OUT TO HELP US GET JUSTICE! BOOO."

Roané shoved the shouter away and rubbed his ear. "I AM HERE TO FILE A COMPLAINT!" He shouted over the din of the crowd.

The lanky pony grinned. "HEY EVERYPONY! LISTEN! THIS GUY'S GONNA COMPLAIN TO THE DEAN ABOUT OUR CAUSE!" The protestor ponies cheered and patted him on the back as they moved him forwards. He was brought to the front of the crowd and was presented with a wall of security ponies.

"Well that was easy enough." He thought to himself. "Pardon me sir, I need to go see the Dean." He said to the stone faced Cobalt blue unicorn. The security pony said nothing. The two stared at each other, one full of professional bearing the other not to be swayed by discourtesy. The crowd went silent watching the intense battle of wills between the two ponies.

Finally the security pony broke and snapped off. "Sorry sir. You can have your protest out here, but I can't allow you inside."

A vein started to stand out on Haycarte's forehead. "Excuse you sir? I am a free citizen of Equestria. I have the right to freedom of movement guaranteed by the Equestrian Constitution, which is guaranteed by the hoof and horn of the Princess herself." His voice rose as he spoke. "Second this University's charter guarantees the right to file a formal complaint to the Dean anytime during office hours, so long as the Dean is not presently in a meeting."

He was roaring now "Third these ponies here have a right to protest peacefully anywhere they want!" A cheer exploded from the crowd. "And most importantly I'm not with them."
The crowd went deadly silent. "I'm here to file a complaint to the Dean about dereliction of duty by a professor. I have no idea what these ponies are here about."

A green pegasus with a volleyball cutie mark stepped forward. "We're here because these bastards are making millions off of our blood, sweat, and tears, and WE DON'T GET A BIT!" The protestors cheered again, and several hurled abuse at the building.

Haycartes turned towards the protestor ponies."If they're not paying you what you're owed then file a report with the guards. What would a protest help?"

A collective gasp emanated from the crowd. Did he seriously just question the efficacy of a protest? The scoundrel! The lanky earth pony stepped forward. "Well I mean they don't owe us money but I mean, THEY SHOULD PAY US!" Again the roar of the crowd, and abuses rang out.

The vein on the forehead reappeared. "If they don't owe you money then why do you demand it of them." He said glaring.

A towering hoofball player lumbered forward and stood inches away from Roané. He spoke in a guttural voice. "Cuz they make money off a our labour and don't pay us, and dat's theft." A cheer went up from the protesters.

Haycartes stepped forward getting eye to eye with him, refusing to be intimidated. "If you sign a contract, while not under duress, to play, without financial compensation, then you have no right to complain. The time to negotiate wages is BEFORE YOU SIGN THE CONTRACT!" The hoofball player was cowed and slipped back into the crowd.

Our lanky friend sidled up to defend their honour. "Hey! We're not missing class to be-."

Haycartes eyes blazed. "YOU. SKIPPED. CLASS. FOR THIS?!" The ground shook as he shouted. A hoof connected with Haycartes' muzzle and the attacker stumbled forward following the blow. Roané sent him sprawling with a crashing blow with his right. He was immediately beset on all sides with signs and sporting equipment. His body was surrounded by a shimmering cobalt blue field and he was lifted bodily out of the crowd.

The security pony placed him down at the edge of his telekinetic range and shouted. "Run Dumbass!" Haycartes was off like a shot. A baseball clipped his left back leg and a javelin came within an inch of his ear.
He took cover in the first building he came across, and ducked into a classroom, slamming the door behind him. He panted heavily and took in his surroundings.

He was in a classroom with seven other ponies. The blackboard on the wall said "debate club times" followed by several illegible squiggles. A smartly dressed, black coated stallion approached him smiling, and said. "Cardinal rule of University. Never argue with protesters. Hive mind and all that." He gave Haycartes a seat. "We heard you all the way from here though. How'd you like to try out debate team?" Roané looked about and inhaled to respond.

Thirty seconds later he was tossed out of the building onto the sidewalk. Inside the black stallion could be seen weeping.

"YOU DIDN'T PROVE ME WRONG!" He shouted at the closed door.

"HEY THERE HE IS!" a protestor pony shouted. Haycartes let out a small squeak and was off again.

It was Roané Haycartes' first day of University, and it wasn't even noon.