Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Roané rose at dawn as was his custom. The blankets he'd borrowed were the single most comfortable things he'd felt in his life but, he'd done without possessions too long to let possessions rule him. He folded the sheets and blankets as close as he could to their original fold lines and stacked them on Wordsmith's desk. He bowed to the still sleeping form of his roommate who was hanging haphazardly halfway off the bed.

Haycartes didn't have any classes that day but that was no excuse to laze the day away. If his professor wasn't going to do his job then Roané would just have to do it for him. He trotted in his usual slightly too fast trot to the library and grabbed several books on fillysophy, half of which he'd already read.

Roané devoured the esoteric tomes, having honed his reading speed through years of doing nothing but hanging out in the library. He finished the first book in less than an hour. He'd just read that everything is water, whatever that means, when he felt a gentle tap at his shoulder. It was the pink pegasus from his fillysophy class.

She stood sheepishly rubbing her foreleg with her hoof. "Umm hi. It's me, uhh Flighty Thoughts. From filly intro." Roané rose and bowed. The mare not being in the habit of bowing only leaned forward slightly. "Uuum yeah, well, I thought about what you said yesterday." She trailed off. Haycartes was giving her the same stone faced stare he gave everypony. It made her uncomfortable.

She steeled herself to finish the speech she had prepared. "Anyway, umm you're right. Just because a pony has a bad attitude doesn't mean it gives you the right to delight in their misery. It's just cruel."

Haycartes didn't seem particularly swayed by the fact that he had taught a pony the world changing lesson of forbearance. What pride was there to be had in correcting another pony's error. Roané didn't have the vanity to take credit for doing something so natural. His only retort was. "Yes." His resting mule face didn't change.

The pegasus shifted nervously. "So umm, yeah, Thank you. You've made me a better pony." She made another attempt at bowing. The two stood staring at each other for several seconds. The mare had it in her head that when a mare approaches a stallion and starts a conversation that gives the stallion an opportunity to extend some sort of invitation, but Haycartes didn't seem to be picking up on that. She decided to quit while she was ahead, "So yeah, umm, bye." With that she sprang into the air.

Without another thought on the enlightened pegasus Roané sat back down and picked up where he'd been reading. After about an hour he'd read that Celestia was dead and that we had killed her. He wasn't sure that Neightzche had ever actually been to Canterlot. He decided to put that book aside. His puzzlement was interrupted by a slightly firmer tap on his shoulder. He turned and a shaggy maned earth pony was grinning at him.

Haycartes again rose and bowed, which was not reciprocated by his fellow earth pony. He raised his front hoof into the air and said in a voice too loud for a library. "Dude you fucking slew the Dragon! Good on ya."

Roané didn't know what a high hoof was so the social ritual went unfulfilled. "I have never seen a dragon with my own eyes, much less slain one."

The shaggy pony waved his hooves dismissively. "Nah dude. THE Dragon, professor Sophistry. Nice fuckin job puttin him in his place. High hoof!" He once again raised his hoof into the air.

The gesture once again went unreciprocated. Our friend the forehead vein reappeared as Haycartes snapped. "I did no such thing! A pony said the wrong name and I corrected him, and you would do well sir, to not revel in other pony's disgrace!" A chorus of shushes sounded throughout the library. Roané blushed deeply and his ears folded back in embarrassment. Libraries were practically sacred to him. The thought of him shouting in one was tantamount to sacrilege.

The shaggy pony made one last attempt at being companionable. "Nah nah bro it's not like that. Come on dude you know. Sophistry was a total dick and you fuckin schooled him." He once again raised his hoof. "Don't leave me hanging bro." He wiggled his hoof in the air to hint at the stubborn pony.

Haycartes glanced once at the hoof not understanding the gesture. The hoof remained unslapped. The shaggy pony rolled his eyes as he turned to leave. "Gah whatever, dick." He complained as he went. Roané decided that the library was too social a place for him to get any study done so he checked out the remainder of his books and exited the library.

He was immediately seized by a giant blue hoof and forced against the wall. "You callin my fillyfriend a bitch bro?" It was Flash Stampede, all Equestrian hoofball star, a giant of a pony.

Haycartes was less than impressed. "I did no such thing." He said in his hard level voice."

Flash pointed a hoof at a fiery red unicorn mare Haycartes recognized from his fillysophy class. "You fuckin yelled at her yesterday bro. You think I'ma take that shit." A hoof the size of a small tree trunk was stopped in its path towards Haycartes face by a shimmering blue field of magic.

"Pub not even open yet, and you're already making trouble Flash?" Wordsmith said sauntering up to the pinned pony.

The hoofball player dropped the ragdoll he'd been holding and bumped Wordsmith's hoof with his own. "Oh sup Smith. You know dis guy?"

The unicorn wrapped a foreleg companionably around his dorm mate's neck. "Of course old colt! This is my dear friend Haycartes, my new dorm mate. A capital fellow I assure you."

Flash smiled. "Well any friend a yours is a friend a mine." He turned to Roané. "Jus don led it happen again eh."

Haycarte was about to speak up in his defence, but his mouth was shut by the same blue glow as before. "Of course not old colt. By the way." Wordsmith said sidling up to the giant pony. "How IS that little red head I set you up with treating you eh?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Flash grinned widely. "Oh bro." He made an explosion sound with his mouth, and a shockwave motion with his hooves.

Wordsmith chuckled silently. "Good show. Well you two have fun!"

Flash wrapped a foreleg around his fillyfriend's shoulders and called back. "Ah yeah." His hoof surreptitiously slipped down to squeeze one of her flanks. She removed it with her magic chuckling mischievously, and the two ran off to do Celestia knows what.

Wordsmith rejoined his dorm mate. "A bit hot under the collar, but a capital fellow and a stout drinking mate." He chuckled at his own pun. "Apropos. Pub!" He led his dorm mate in the direction of his favorite watering hole. Their path lay all the way through the University grounds. So they had a moment to saunter about taking in all the sights the University had to offer.

It was a comical sight. The fillysopher would trot several paces ahead of the swaggering poet then have to wait for him to catch up as he had no idea where he was going. "I say old chap, do slow down. Enjoy the stroll. You know sometimes the journey can be the destination."

Roané stopped again, this time from confusion at the sheer lunacy of what he'd just heard. "That is a contradiction." He argued.

"Is it?" Wordsmith asked, gesturing to the ponies running on the University's track. "Then where are they in such a hurry to?" Wordsmith let his eyes linger overlong on some of the running mares. "If one sets out for a walk for the sake of walking then by definition the walk is the destination, is it not?"

Haycartes was genuinely impressed by the probity of his dorm mate. "Very well I concede the point." He with effort slowed his trot. "Though we're actually intending to arrive somewhere. The." He thought for a moment "Pub." He said, unsure of what a pub was.

"Indeed old colt but there's no reason one can't enjoy the walk there. It's a lovely day. Take in the beauty all around you." He said while tilting his head to the side at a group of jogging mares, two of which winked at Wordsmith. "Enjoy the fine things of life while you may, as it were." Roané looked about at the University grounds and had to admit the topiaries were lush and well shaped, the flowers were in bloom and pleasantly fragrant, and the sunlight sprinkling through the trees did create a pleasant effect.

His meditations were interrupted by the reappearance of Flighty Thoughts with an official looking note in her mouth. She landed and said. "Hey Roané." She noticed who he was walking with and her face went bright red, she could only stammer as she said. "H-h-h hi Wordsmith."

She quickly looked away. The serial marenator lifted one of her hooves and kissed it saying. "Hello my dear, and what finds us so fortunate as to grace us with your presence?"

The poor mare was shaking, but his comment had reminded her of her mission. "Oh yeah umm Haycartes this is for you." She handed him an envelope sealed with the Dean's cutie mark. He opened it and began reading, and the pegasus turned back to the flattering unicorn. They were about to recommence their conversation but they both noticed the earth pony's countenance darken as he read.

Wordsmith reached out towards his dorm mate. "I say old-."

"I'M ACCUSED OF DOING WHAT?!" He roared so loud it caused the other two ponies ears to ring. He galloped off towards Star Swirl the Bearded Hall. The two other ponies did their best to follow but Haycartes was too far ahead.

Wordsmith called up to Flighty Thoughts. "What the Discord did you give him."

She called back panting. "Dunno. Disciplinary action maybe?" The two picked up the pace in concern for the charging earth pony. Haycartes reached the front steps and plowed his way right through another protest. This time about the use of fur in fashion. A practice that had already been illegal for decades.

He cut straight through the crowd and right up to the same cobalt blue unicorn from the previous day. He held a hoof out to stop him but Haycartes, against his usual custom roared out, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY." The security pony was instantly cowed and moved aside. After he had passed he stopped and called back. "Please forgive my obscenity." He continued his gallop into the building.

The protestors and security officers all stood there mouths agape staring at the building unable to process what they had just seen. Wordsmith and Flighty reached the building and took in the scene. "I'm gonna see what's going on." Flighty said as she flew up, and in through the large windows of Dean Grasping Hoof's office that he had his runners, or in this case fliers, use. She landed just as the door was bucked in.

Roané Haycartes' usual hard expression was now replaced by one of barely contained rage. He stepped forward slowly the disciplinary note held between tightly clenched teeth. The Dean, only now getting over his shock, tried to rebuke Roané for his rude entrance but was cut off. "What. THE FUCK. IS THIS?" He slapped the disciplinary note down on the desk. The crowd outside heard the shout and stood staring at the open window in the way one stares at a train wreck.

Grasping Hoof glared at the intruding pony. "Ah I see, you're that freshman who was so rude to my dear friend Sophistry." He pressed an intercom button labelled stick. "Sophistry, get your boney arse in here."

Haycartes' eyes blazed. " I WAS AT NO POINT RUDE! AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN COVER THE OTHER ACCUSATIONS LISTED." He snatched the disciplinary note off of the desk. "Use of profanity to a professor. Inciting a riot. SKIPPING CLASS?!" He slapped the paper back down. " THAT PAPER CONSTITUTES A VICIOUS ATTACK ON MY CHARACTER AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO BROUGHT THESE CHARGES AGAINST ME."

"I will not be shouted at in such a manner! You're here to answer questions, not ask them!" The Dean shouted, his jowls shaking with the effort.

Haycartes didn't back down. "At no point did I incite a riot, and I did not skip a class. MY PROFESSOR ABANDONED THE CLASS WITHOUT PROVIDING A SUBSTITUTE!"

"My security guards said you started a fight during a previously peaceful protest!" He retorted.

"I was assaulted and then chased!" Roané countered.

Outside the crowd muttered amongst themselves. What kind of pony would dare shout at the Dean? Wordsmith was worried about his dorm mate. Flash and his marefriend emerged from their retreat at the roaring and approached him. The marefriend whispered breathlessly. "It sounds like a fucking demon."

Wordsmith couldn't help but chuckle. "No my dear that's just Roané."

The two snapped their heads towards the poet. Flash called out in a hushed voice. "That's him?" He was suddenly glad he was prevented from punching the roaring pony.

The staring crowd was magically split down the middle by a white field of magic. "Out of my way you dull things you." A hard voice croaked. Professor Sophistry, back to his normal imperious demeanor, muzzle held high, walked through the crowd and into the building.

The fiery red unicorn was the first in the crowd to make the connection. "Oh no" She breathed. "He's about to get-" She was cut off by a pathetic wailing coming from the window.

"No. NOOOO. NOT YOU!" Sophistry wailed as he tried to scurry backwards out of the room. He was pulled in by Grasping Hoof's magic and the door was shut behind him. He clawed desperately at the door with his hooves.

"Damnit all Sophistry quit your sniveling and sit down!" He shouted at the cringing stick. The pony sheepishly took a seat, but he never took his eyes off the glaring earth pony. "Now." The Dean said, smirking at Roané. "Let's just see what this is all about." He turned to the professor. "Tell him why he's being EXPELLED Sophistry."

Flighty Thoughts eyes went wide at the word expelled. She looked at Haycartes, but he didn't seem to react. He seemed more concerned with clearing his name than being kicked out of University. Professor Sophistry brightened at the thought.

He sat up in his seat and he said."Ha ha. Yes. Expelled! Well yes, he was terribly rude to me and caused my entire class to ridicule me in the most cruel fashion."

"THAT IS AN UNEQUIVOCAL FALSEHOOD!" Haycarte shouted directly at the professor causing him to once again cringe in fear. He held his hooves up defensively. "You said the name of the wrong pony and I corrected you."

Professor Sophistry was deathly afraid of him, the only pony who'd ever stood up to him, but he knew how he could turn this to his advantage. He turned to the Dean. "Do you see how he treats me?"

The Dean had already filled out Haycartes' expulsion paperwork, but it was fun to see his oldest crony begging for his help. He decided to go along with this farce for just a little longer, just to watch him sweat a little more.

"Now now Professor, let's hear the poor colt's side of the story. Now what's this you say about correcting him. Your professor. The one who's been teaching fillysophy since before your parents were born?" He said in his most condescending accent.

Haycartes once again didn't catch that he was being mocked. He thought there was nothing more natural than the Dean being sceptical of a professor of Sophistry's tenure mistaking a name. "I say again. He said Xeneighphon when he meant Aristrotle. I corrected him and then we had a discussion about the historian. He once again misspoke and again I corrected him." Haycartes ire rose again at the memory. "HE THEN RAN OUT OF THE CLASS WITHOUT PROVIDING A SUBSTITUTE, THEREBY DENYING ME, AND EVERY OTHER STUDENT A LECTURE THAT WE PAID FOR!"

The three listeners, as well as everypony listening outside, were stunned at the story. Sophistry was stunned at being made to look bad in front of his boss. Grasping Hoof was stunned at this odd pony having the gaul to complain about being able to skip a class. Flighty Thoughts, who spent this entire conversation cowering against a bookshelf, was stunned that this very very odd pony didn't bring up the rude way that Professor Sophistry had screamed at him and even whipped him with his tail. The crowd of ponies listening outside were still stunned that a pony could yell so loud.

Grasping Hoof came out of his daze first. He cleared his throat. "Ahem is this true Professor?"

Sophistry was startled out of one terror and straight into a new one at the Dean speaking to him as if he'd been caught in bed with his daughter. He stammered out. "W-w-well, umm yes." He sprang towards the desk. "BUT HE MADE A FOAL OUT OF ME! HE MADE ALL MY STUDENTS LAUGH AT ME!"

The Dean shoved the professor back towards his seat. Their credibility was being ruined by this pusillanimous display. He sighed and continued. "Is this true." He looked at the piece of paper. It occurred to him he didn't even know the young stallion's name. "Hay carts?" What an odd name for a very odd pony the Dean thought to himself.

The earth pony never slouched but he stood slightly straighterand said. "My name is Roané Haycartes, and what the other students find to be amusing is not my concern. I was in no way rude to this pony, nor did I say anything that could be misconstrued as humorous. If you should like to know what the other students found to be comical about our discussion then you should ask her." He snapped a hoof at Flighty Thoughts who went stiff as a board.

The two unicorns snapped their heads around to see the poor petrified pegasus. Neither had noticed her the entire conversation. She quavered under their shocked gazes. Finally grasping hoof regained his senses. His scheming mind raced.

This was getting out of hoof. This bizarre pony seemed like one who would contest his expulsion. If there was a formal inquest, then witnesses could be brought forward. He'd just bribe or threaten anypony involved of course, but that'd be more work than he'd like to do, and it didn't help that Sophistry was making a complete ass of himself. This farce needed to end.

"Well my dear." He asked the pink pegasus. "What did you see?" Her eyes darted from the
Dean who could expel her with a wave of his hoof, to the professor who could make her life a living tartarus if she spoke against him, to the pony who had glared at her when she had paid him a compliment. It seemed like an obvious choice but then she remembered what had actually happened and who she was dealing with. Haycartes had done nothing wrong, and Sophistry had acted like an absolute ass.

She breathed deeply. " Haycartes' right! He wasn't rude in any way. The professor even whipped him in the face with his tail as he~"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" The Dean barked. "You are dismissed." He shouted and pointed a hoof out the window. Flighty Thoughts flew sheepishly out the window. She looked back to say something but Grasping Hoof reached out to shut the large window. He was about to slam it shut when the sight hit him.

Two hundred pairs of eyes met his. Students,security guards, and faculty. The crowd had gathered more ponies, interested to see what was going on. They had heard every word. Grasping Hoof could get away with almost whatever he wanted behind closed doors, but this was different. This was untenable. He slammed the window and closed the curtains. He stood with his back against the window, and stared at the two remaining ponies.

How had this happened? This was supposed to be a routine corrupt expulsion. It was supposed to be fun. They were supposed to take turns berating him and make him beg for forgiveness. Then just as he thinks he's going to be allowed to continue to attend, BOOM! They send him back to mommy and daddy. He could handle this. He was Grasping Hoof damnit! He couldn't just shoo away Sophistry and still keep him in his pocket, but this couldn't happen again, and as for this Haycartes character. He had no idea how to handle him. This would be tricky.

He steepled his hooves and stared intensely at Sophistry who squirmed under his gaze. He had always tolerated Sophistry's demeanor but whipping a student in the face could be misconstrued as assault. This situation needed mending.

"My dear Sophistry, you really must relax. It's not the end of the world that you said the wrong pony. After all, wasn't Xeneighphon a fillysopher in his own right?" He said as he wrapped a comforting hoof around the professor's shoulders, and led him to the door.

Sophistry couldn't believe his luck. The Dean was taking his side. He nodded his head violently. "Uum well yes! That's right! He was a contemporary of Plathoof, and wrote several tracts on~"

"Exactly! Now you just need to adopt the fillysophy of Plathoof. Wasn't it he that said we all have to laugh at ourselves sometimes?" He pushed Sophistry gently through the doorway.

"Well I mean that depends umm." The professor started.

"That's right. Now.-" He grabbed the professor's collar in his magic and pulled them muzzle to muzzle. "If I ever hear another complaint about you I'll send you packing so fast the Wonderbolts won't be able to catch you." He slammed the door in his face. He chuckled to himself at his own brilliance. In one fell swoop he'd kept a crony, and now he'd stop getting those pesky complaints every year.

His brief moment of joy was ended when he remembered that the professor had been the easy half. He resumed his elite bearing and sat down at his desk. "Now then I'm terribly sorry about the mix up Mr. Haycartes. The charges against you have all been dropped. Please do accept my sincere apologies for the behaviour of my colleague. He's a bit high strung don't you know." He led Roané to the door. "In fact why don't you help him out? We can always use another student teacher."

"What will my responsibilities, and pay be?" The fillysopher asked unconcernedly.

The Dean ground his teeth. This bastard has the gall to ask about pay. They negotiated his pay all the way down to the lobby. As far as the Dean knew he had just picked up another lackey. As far as Haycartes knew he had just gotten a job. One was beaming and the other still had resting mule face. The Dean opened the door and let the earth pony through. He stopped suddenly and rounded on the Dean. "Please forgive my use of profanity. I was very upset about the fallacious charges against me."

"Oh don't mention it. Perfectly understandable. I look forward to seeing your progress." The Dean said quickly, he looked about nervously at the two hundred silent staring ponies. "Goodbye now." He slammed the door behind the fillysophy student teacher.

Haycartes turned and faced the crowd that was breathlessly waiting for some sign. Roané raised an eyebrow and flatly asked. "What?" A cheer exploded from the crowd and Wordsmith lunged at the earth pony grabbing a hoof and raising it into the air. "FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS! PRESENTING THE DEMON OF DIOGENEIGH'S HALL!" The crowd rushed forward and picked Haycartes up and started carrying him forward.

For all of three steps.

He barked "PUT ME DOWN DAMN YOU!" He rounded on the crowd. "What is it with you ponies and carrying other ponies?!"

Wordsmith laughed heartily. "Don't worry about it old colt. Onwards! This calls for a celebration. TO THE PUB!" An impromptu parade formed behind the two roommates as they made their way towards an amusing night.

But more on that later.