The Daily Life of Equestria's Psychopath

by the legendary ass eater

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Profanity, Violence, Slice of Life, Sex, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, Anon
Length: 3592

I remember being a young adult male human once. Nowadays I'm a female pony who now has to retake school because SOMEPONY couldn't perform a spell correctly. I might as well try to make some good out of this situation and see what chaos I can cause!

Y'know, I was once an average guy. A completely normal male human being. Sure I had my oddities but who doesn't, right? Then I woke up in Equestria after one too many shots of whiskey at 3AM whilst watching some random ass anime.

Now that in itself sounds fucking weird but that's not even the full story. Somehow good old reliable purple smart managed to not only change my species and my gender but also my age. Now I'm stuck with a lavender coated princess who has become my 'caretaker' and I'm being forced to go to school!

I still can't believe this isn't some crazy drug trip. Well, whatever - if this is a drug trip then I'm gonna make sure this will be the best drug trip of my life. So take a look into my new personal life and prepare to see the horrors that I'll bring to this hippy horse land.

[Sex Tag for references and innuendos - there will be no clop.]

Published 2020-08-08 00:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-08 00:10:00 UTC

"Did my brain somehow make you my drug dealer?" (Updated!)

I slowly began to drift into and out of consciousness as my body laid upon the soft grass underneath as the gentle breeze of the wilderness swept across my fur. The scent of fresh flowers filled my muzzle as the distant sound of wildlife reached my twitching ears whilst the warm rays of the sun made me feel as if I was tucked in a nice bed. I released a contented hum as I slowly began to stretch out onto the comfortable ground below.

What?

My eyes snapped open as my mind immediately sobered up, the sudden realisation that I wasn't in my home on some ripped up couch finally kicking in as I jumped upright...only to fall back on my face. Seriously! How am I meant to stand up with hooves?! Wait...hooves? I slowly look down as an uneasy feeling began bubbling within my stomach. Oh god. Those aren't hands.

Green coated hooves hung limply in front of me as terror began to creep up within me. I slowly moved my eyes down my body and saw the rest of my body had completely turned into that of a horse with a green coat and a question mark seemingly tattooed onto my flanks with a black furred tail hanging off my rear. I ran one of my hoofs through my mane shakily with uneven breaths from my newly acquired muzzle before I released a horrific sounding screech.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

My brain quickly began to go haywire as my thoughts desperately scrambled in an effort to figure out what in the actual fuck was happening. My body was completely tense as I rapidly looked around in a panic as I attempted to get on my hooves, only to fail once again and fall down with a painful thud.

"You've got to be...shitting...me...." As I spoke out in frustration and disbelief another realisation struck me like a freight train made out of titanium. My voice wasn't how I remembered it. I wasn't supposed to sound so...squeaky! No. This can't be happening. There's just no way! How did I go from stuffing my face with crisps and whiskey to being a genderbent equine in a goddamn forest?!

Okay. Calm down. I've got to think this through before I do anything rash. Who knows what the hell could be out here? I need to be careful. The last thing I want to do is alert some kind of predator when I don't even know how to stand let alone run. I exhale loudly from my muzzle as I slowly stretched out my hind-hooves and fore-hooves so I could stand, thanks to my patience this time around I managed to keep my balance.

As I stood in the empty patch of grass, I decided to look around to see where in the fuck I am going. Unfortunately I can see nothing but long oak trees and massive bushes that blocked my view of any clear escape route. It was apparent to me that getting out of this place was a one in ten chance of happening and I'll most likely die of starvation before I even see a glimpse of civilisation again. Then again is there even civilisation outside of this forest? Am I even on Earth anymore? I mean this sounds like something straight out of those My Little Pony fanfictions....

Oh.

These realisations really need to chill out because if this shit keeps up I swear I'm gonna just drop dead from shock at some point. Well at the very least I know now where the hell I am which means there MUST be some kind of town or village nearby. In fact, the more I think about it the more sense this makes. I'm probably in the Everfree Forest considering the strange nature of this place...I mean where else would you expect to wake up in the world of MLP?

Wait...now that I think of it...this is way too weird to actually be happening. Yeah, this is probably just a dream! A really lucid dream. Yeah, that's all. With my newfound revelation and sense of confidence about the situation I began marching forwards, being careful with my foo-hoofsteps in order to make sure I didn't trip over again. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but I was sure that I'd eventually stumble upon Ponyville if I just kept moving or wake up at some point so I proceeded to journey onward - falling and tripping every now and then.

I wasn't sure how long I had been wal-trotting for but I did know that the Everfree was actually rather beautiful unlike what the show suggests. The beautiful structures of organic life towered over me as the sun struggled to shine it's light upon me from the gaps between their leaves, the clear bodies of water looking far more healthy than the mess you'd see back on Earth and the grass was far greener than any park I'd been to. All in all, it was quite an impressive sight.

At a certain point I had noticed the sun descending down as the edges of the sky began to become enshrouded in darkness. My hooves were shaking by this point and my breaths were coming out unevenly as I forced myself to walk forwards, surprised at just how painful a dream could be. I sighed to myself as I continued walking along, wondering if I should just find some shelter to relax in. I didn't know where I was but I haven't come across any road or house as of yet so I wasn't entirely sure where I was going to stay - not that I really cared considering that this is all mostly likely just a dream anyways.

I sighed once more and decided to cave into the screaming of my searing hot muscles as I sat down upon the floor, leaning my back up against a tree's brown trunk as I wrapped my black tail around my hooves. Surprisingly my control over my tail came naturally, but I certainly wasn't going to complain. I ran my hoof through the grass idly with a bored expression, briefly wondering if ponies in the show could just eat grass from the floor. As my mind wondered about whether it has happened in the show before or not, a low and hungry growl came from the bushes besides the tree.

It took me less than a second to jump up, completely ignoring the pain in my hooves as looked on in horror and wonder as a Manticore slowly walked through the bushes. It's coal coloured eyes stared at me with a dark look of hunger whilst it stretched out it's claws in an intimidating way. I gulped loudly as it seemed to almost grin at me in a predatory expression.

"Yeah, no. I'm not dealing with this shit." Was the only thing I managed to mutter out before breaking into a sprint, the Manticore releasing a loud roar as it began to chase me down. "Leave me alone asshole! Find some other tasty looking pony!"

The Manticore snarled behind me at my comment, likely unimpressed with my attempt at being witty. I managed to keep up the pace for a few seconds before I inevitably fell onto my side with a loud grunt of pain. Well, shit. The beast loomed over me with a cruel glint in it's eyes as it slowly lowered down with it's jaw open wide...only for it to lick me like some domesticated puppy.

I couldn't help but stare at it in bewilderment as it continued to lick me with it's impressively sharp tongue that felt like sandpaper upon my skin. Still, I'd prefer sandpaper over teeth. It eventually stopped licking me and stepped back, staring at me like a hopeful dog would to it's owner.

"Alright then..." I said as I slowly wiped the drool of my face. Disgusting. "Wasn't expecting that...but at least I'm not dead. Then again it's a dream - why the hell was I even scared in the first place? You're probably just some manifestation of something in my head."

The Manticore just cocked it's head in confusion at my comment before it slowly moved it's head closer to mine. I blinked once. Then twice. Then thrice. Then - you get the picture. After my bewildered blinking fit I slowly reached my hoof out and began stroking it's head.

"AHA!" Yelled a female voice, making me jump and slap the Manticore across the face on accident. "I finally found you! Do you have any idea how long I've been looking?!"

The Manticore looked at the new arrival with irritation and displeasure before it rolled it's eyes. I followed it's gaze and saw the face of the show - good old Twilight motherfucking Sparkle. The purple alicorn princess stood before me in all of her glory with a confident and slightly crazed smile on her face.

"Hello to you too jackass." I replied with a heavy sigh. "Finally gonna wake me up? I would've sworn that my mind would choose Luna to do that but at this point I could really care less."

"Wake up?" Repeated Twilight with a raised eyebrow. "Sorry to tell you this but you're not dreaming." Her face then scrunched up. "And please don't use that kind of language here."

"I'm not dreaming? Well of course you'd say that - why would you be aware that I'm dreaming this? You're just an aspect of my mind...or something like that. I don't really know how the whole dream shit works." I replied with a smirk, adding in the swear just to piss her off some more. "Anyways, why were you looking for me? Did my brain somehow make you my drug dealer or something?"

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said." Responded Twilight with an appalled expression and a horrified voice. She shook her head with a deep and exhausted sigh. "Listen, I tried to perform a spell that would allow me to summon a human into this world. I was aiming to get my friend Sunset Shimmer into this world but it turns out I may have accidentally brought you here instead."

"I want whatever you're smoking." I replied with a shit-eating grin, knowing full well that she was being serious. Well, as serious as my drunk as fuck brain was making her act. She shot me an irritated and disgusted look in response. "What?"

"Aren't you worried? Even if - and this is completely hypothetical by the way - this was a dream then wouldn't you feel at least slightly freaked out? You've awoken in a land that should be purely fictional by your world's standards and somepony at your age shouldn't be handling it this well." Replied Twilight with a concerned frown.

"Somepony at my age...?" I repeated in confusion as I gave her a puzzled expression. What in the hell did she mean by that? Sure my body may be that of a female but I'm pretty sure I'm still eighteen, right? It's not as if everything around me looks gigantic and my voice makes Sweetie Belle sound deep, right?! Ohhhhh. I can practically see my own horrified expression as the reality of my situation finally sunk in. "You can't be fucking serious..."

Fuck. My. Life.

"Wait, are you trying to say that you're not supposed to be this young?" Inquired Twilight, choosing to ignore my colourful language in favour of her curiosity. "If that's the case, how old are you?"

"I'm eighteen." I replied with a glare, clearly upset with the situation. "And for some reason my mind wants me to be a filly! I mean for fuck's sake - I'm not even a girl! I'm a straight up motherfucking guy!"

"O-oh." Muttered out Twilight in shock and slight guilt. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean for any of this to happen! It's just that the mirror on Earth is broken and it won't be fixed for another three years or so and Sunset wanted to see Celestia for the first time since forever an-"

"Yeah, yeah I get the picture." I snapped irritably, cutting Twilight off. "Well since you apparently brought me here, then can you send me back? I got like three more flasks of whiskey to down when I wake up before I've got to head off to my minimum wage job."

"I'm sorry to say that well...I don't think it would be safe for me to do that." Replied purple smart as she looked down at the floor, not being confident enough to look me in the eyes. "There are too many unknown variables involved. We don't know what other effects my botched spell could have had on you! Sure we can clearly see your species, gender and age has changed but...what about other factors such as your magic or your soul? There's no way we can send you back until we make sure you're safe from any magical dangers."

"And how long will that take?" I ask, not feeling too worried as I'm sure somebody would eventually wake me up from this.

"Well...that's a difficult question to answer." Responded the alicorn as she sighed once more, this one sounding depressed and defeated as she raised her eyes to meet mine. "I'll need to know just exactly what went wrong during the spell, I'll need to spend months analysing your magical energy and I'll need to analyse the very structure of your body. If I'm being honest...it'll take almost a full year at best. Even if we do all of that there is no guarantee that it'll ever be safe for you to do inter-dimensional travel again."

"How the hell did you mess up this badly?" I asked with slight bewilderment. "You're the fucking Element of Magic for crying out loud!"

"Well...I needed somepony to be an assistant with the spell and the only pony available at the moment was a slightly tipsy Starlight..." Admitted Twilight with a bright blush as she nervously fidgeted with her hooves. At my deadpan expression she quickly began explaining herself, "I thought it wouldn't be THAT bad! She's very skilled with magic so I thought a couple glasses of wine wouldn't impact her performance by much."

"Wow, I know that sometimes you're not the sharpest tool in the shed but even you should have seen that coming. Performing magic whilst shitfaced isn't exactly a hallmark of a great idea." I said with a chuckle, enjoying the embarrassed look that crossed Twilight's face. "Why did you decide to cast your spell in the Everfree? Isn't literally anywhere else safer than here?"

"Actually we didn't intend to summon you to the Everfree but whatever mistake we made must've messed even that up. I've been searching for you all day and that's why I'm so exhausted." Responded Twilight as she looked down in shame. I guess her exhaustion is why she hasn't gone into crazy scientist mode with me yet, which I'm unbelievably grateful for. "I'm sorry about all this. I truly am."

I waved a hoof at her dismissively. "Relax, it's just a dream. I'm going to wake up in an hour or so and all of this will be forgotten."

Twilight frowned at me and shook her head. "Didn't you hear me? I told you that this isn't a dream!"

"Doesn't mean shit to me." I retorted with a roll of my eyes. "Do you think dreams are aware that they're dreams? Probably not! So it stands to reason that you're just something conjured up by my dream and you aren't aware of it."

Twilight's right eye twitched in irritation before she facehooved with a sigh. "We're not in a dream and I refuse to debate this any further with you. Alright, before we go on I need your name so I can refer to you as something other then 'otherworldly filly' to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna."

My name, huh? There was no way in hell I was going to use my old one! Why should I? This is a dream - I'm not going to get another chance to call myself what I want without facing consequences. A wide grin grew upon my face as I responded, "Ass Eater."

Twilight gave me a disgusted look. "No. Give me your actual name."

I snorted, "Biggus Dickus."

Twilight quickly realised what was going on here and decided to use magic to shut my jaw, making me internally frown in disapproval. "An actual name, please."

She released the hold on my mouth. Big mistake. "Konkey Dong."

My mouth was quickly sealed back up again by the purple alicorn. "I'll give you one more try before I give you a name instead."

Her grip was released once more. I grinned like a maniac and replied, "Dick Kickem."

She sighed heavily as she silenced me once more. "If I need to pick a name for you...well, your cutie mark is a question mark, we don't actually know your identity...I guess Anonymous works for now."

"Wow, really creative of you." I replied once she decided to free my mouth, sarcasm practically dripping from my voice. "Can we at least shorten it to Anon?"

"Sure. I did warn you of what would happen if you kept acting like that so you only have yourself to blame." Said Twilight with a disappointed frown. Oddly enough I actually felt a strange sense of sorrow, almost as if I had disappointed my mother but that's just ridiculous! This is Twilight Sparkle - and not even the real deal, just a poorly conceived fake. "Now come on, Anon - I need to get you to my castle."

"What about Mr. Dribbles over here?" I ask, referring to the Manticore who was currently sitting next to me with a wagging tail.

"Well, we can't exactly bring a Manticore into the castle." Replied Twilight with a slight frown. "He'd cause too much panic and chaos, not to mention the fact that we don't even have the facilities to deal with one. He should be fine by himself; they are one of the best predators around for a reason after all."

I shrug, not really caring about what happened to the Manitcore. It was a dream, so it's not like it was actually alive anyways. "Neato, but how are we gonna get to the castle anyways?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

"Teleportation." Replied Twilight as she beckoned to me with one of her fore-hooves. "Now please come on - I have to make sure you have somewhere to sleep for the night."

"I asked for the how, not the why. That part was self-explanatory." I replied, walking up to the alicorn who gave me a 'Can-you-not' look. Twilight's horn began to glow with a magenta hue before a bright pink flash encompassed my view and almost burnt my retinas out, much to my discomfort.

Let me be the first to tell you that teleportation sucks balls. Not only was it practically blinding but it almost made you want to throw up every single meal that you've ever had in your entire life. I'm sure I would have thrown up if I had actually consumed anything with this body. But then again maybe not - dreams don't tend to follow actual physics after all.

I rubbed my burning right eye with one of my fore-hooves, whilst I observed the room that Twilight had just teleported me into. It was a fairly bland bedroom with an average size bed, a counter on the side and a window on the wall left to me whilst a door was on the right side. There wasn't any decorations or painting - not that I actually think it'd be wise to paint on magic crystals or whatever the castle is made out of.

"So," Began Twilight with an awkward cough. "You're going to be staying here for the night, and most likely your entire time here. Tempest Shadow is the guard standing outside your door; she's there for your security and to help with any issues you might have. I will be busy making a letter to Princess Cadance but feel free to drop by and ask a few questions if you have any. Although I'd assume that you'd much rather hit the hay considering the state you must be in, both physically and mentally after today."

I yawned and nodded, "Yeah, if I fall asleep in a dream like this then I will most likely wake up. Or something to that effect, I dunno."

"Still on that dream thing, huh?" Whispered Twilight with a guilty expression. "I guess that's only a natural response when you get sent to a different world. I just hope you'll be able to face the reality of your situation soon." I rolled my eyes at her words and immediately jump onto the bed, not bothering to get under the silky covers. "Goodnight, Anon."

"Yeah, whatever." I replied as she left the room with a slightly amused smile and a exaggerated huff. "This has been one weird ass dream...but it was strangely enjoyable, even if I will just end up forgetting about it all."

On that bittersweet note I decided to snuggle my head deeper into the admittedly relaxing pillow whilst my body remained sprawled out upon the sheets. My eyelids became heavier and heavier before I finally closed them, embracing the darkness that cloaked my vision.