Rarity is a Military Genius

by Mediocre Morsov

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 3833

Rainbow Dash needs to learn military tactics after earning an officer's commission in the Wonderbolts, and Twilight happily volunteers herself as a tutor. However, an unexpected friend of theirs happens to be an expert in war as well as dress-making.

After Celestia's successful war against the banks, Rainbow Dash's heroic(?) sacrifice of abundant numbers of her own soldiers has earned her a commission in the Wonderbolts. Unfortunately, that requires the brash mare to understand basic military knowledge, otherwise Equestria would run out of Wonderbolts.

Twilight Sparkle valiantly offers her services to once again show off how much she knows tutor the pegasus in the arts of war. However, to both Rainbow Dash's and the Princess of Friendship's surprise, their mutual seamstress friend is an experienced student of war. The fashionista, Rarity, takes over Rainbow's training as quickly as she took over the sacred lands of the buffalo.

Celestia help them all.

Sequel to "How Zephyr Unintentionally Destroyed the Banks" and a setup for a multi-chapter fic following Zephyr Breeze and Prince Blueblood.

Rated Teen for references to violent warfare, death, and (of course) sex.

Published 2020-05-12 06:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-12 06:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Rainbow Dash was finally moving up in the Wonderbolts, miraculously securing a commission in the flying corps for her gallant actions during the Banking War. Apparently, Princesses Celestia and Luna found her suicidal charges and ghastly appalling attrition rates heroic, adding a veneer of genuine sacrifice to what was an otherwise one-sided slaughter of out of shape bankers and their emaciated debtor slaves. Regardless of whether or not she was fit for the position, she had it.

And now she had to train her noggin for tactics.

"This sucks!" Rainbow Dash groaned loudly, grating on the nerves of her opponent. Between them lay a chessboard decorated with pieces of carved ivory and obsidian. They were at the largely-forgotten chess tables in the park. "Why can't I learn strategy with Spike and Big Mac?"

"Hyperspace Hyperwars isn't a viable method to learn or practice strategy!" Twilight - the pegasus' opponent - snapped. "I don't care what my brother says, or the fact that he has military experience; I'm a princess, I know better!"

"Easy there, Your Majesty," the pegasus grumbled. "Chess is so boring."

"And predictable," a third voice chimed in, laden with posh amusement. Both mares turned their attention towards a white unicorn watching their game with a detached interest.

"Predictable?" Twilight snorted. "Rarity, the possibilities of a chess match multiply drastically with every move made. How could you call it predictable?"

"If I may?" the unicorn took Rainbow Dash's place, the pegasus eager to get away from losing to Twilight again.

Twilight furrowed her brow, deciding to entertain Rarity's ego. The two mares played for several minutes before, quite to the alicorn's surprise, she was put into checkmate by Rarity's bishop.

"Wait, what?" Twilight blinked.

"Your tactics are painfully textbook, darling," Rarity smirked. "You struggle with the unorthodox and the unexpected."

"We were in the middle of a match!" Twilight retorted. "Let's try again, from the beginning this time!"

They played again.

And again.

And again.

"How?!" the alicorn seethed. "I've read every book there is on chess! I know all of the famous maneuvers! All the possible ways to set the board! All the most popular strategies!"

"As do I, Twilight. That's what makes you predictable," the unicorn explained. "I know exactly which strategy you're trying, and exactly how to counter it. The problem with using strategies published in a book is that anyone could know them."

"How the hay are you so good at chess?" Rainbow asked, having watched Twilight's humbling with mounting awe.

"Oh, we used this game all the time when I was in school. It was one of the simplest exercises for studying military science," Rarity rolled her eyes.

"...Studying military science?" Twilight repeated, looking confused. "What kind of school did you go to?"

"Madame Frufru's Military Academy for Wayward Foals," Rarity stated matter-of-factly. "Go M.F.M.A.f.W.F. Martyrs!"

The other mares' jaws dropped.

"Military academy?!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Wayward foals?!" Rainbow shook her head. "You?!"

"I admit, I was something of a diamond in the rough before my parents shipped me off to military school," Rarity shuddered. "Worst ten years of my life, I can assure you."

"Ten years?!" Twilight and Rainbow shouted as one.

"I suppose that is a little long, isn't it?" the unicorn pondered for a moment. "Anyway, it all paid off in the end. The six years I served for my active duty commission got me the money I needed to start up the Carousel Boutique, and here we are!"

"Hold up," Rainbow Dash looked like she had an ice cream headache trying to process what Rarity was telling her, "you were an officer? In what service?"

"The Royal Equestrian Army, 501st Legion, 'Faust's Fist'," Rarity snapped the words out smartly. "I was a lieutenant in the support company, but I could have made captain if I'd stuck around a little longer. Alas, the military wasn't for me."

"Equestria has an army?" Twilight was surprised.

"Of course," Rarity scoffed. "Honestly, Twilight, who do you think prosecutes wars overseas? The Royal Guard? The Wonderbolts? Those tin soldiers and stunt flyers can't even protect Canterlot!"

"Hey!" the other mares scowled, taking personal offense.

"It doesn't matter," Rarity overrode their complaints, "I'm glad to be done with it. The service was an absolute bore. Every day, the same routine. It taught me valuable skills, such as attention to detail, sewing, and order - and Madame Frufru helped me develop my posh accent to replace that ghastly North Central dialect my parents have... As I said, they also helped me get enough money to pursue my dream. All solid foundations, really."

"You spent ten years in a military school, then six years in military service," Twilight noted, still slightly annoyed. "You don't miss it at all?"

"Yeah, it sounds like it was a large part of your life," Rainbow added.

"I suppose sometimes I miss it," the unicorn had a distant, glassy look in her eyes. "The thunder of the artillery pounding distant city walls to rubble; the roar of ten thousand soldiers' voices raised in anger; the screams of terror as our enemies realized their doom was upon them; the sight of cities being razed; the screams of the vanquished ringing in my ears as I led our platoon to mop up the resistance. Resistance! Ha! Nothing but the old, the young, and the sick were left to defend the burnt out husks of buildings. Hardly a worthy foe, but we put them to the saber all the same. An entire company threw down their arms in surrender. From dawn until well after dusk we executed them, tying them to crosses and nailing them in place. For a hundred miles of road we set up the crucified, a testament to our great victory. Their moans of agony were like trumpets heralding our achievement as we marched home conquerors."

A moment passed as Twilight and Rainbow Dash were speechless, Rarity lost in thought, her eyes glassy but with a dark light glowing within their depths. She blinked and it was as if the tension were cut, the unicorn returning to her usual self with a dainty giggle.

"Well, if I'm being entirely honest, I wouldn't mind too terribly if they called me back to service for a little bit," she smiled.

"Y'know," Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought, "this would explain why you have martial arts knowledge."

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash agreed. "I always thought it was weird how you kicked so much changeling butt back in the Crystal Empire."

"I fought the changelings while serving in the mobile infantry platoon of my support company," Rarity explained. "The only good bug is a dead bug, darling."

"I mean, we're at peace with them now, though," Twilight pointed out. "I don't think you should be saying things like-"

"The only good bug," the unicorn repeated gravely, fixing Twilight with a grim stare, "is a dead bug. Darling."

"I gotta say, Rares, I'm liking this new side of you," Rainbow smiled, "it's somehow both terrifying and slightly arousing at the same time."

"Well, thank you, Rainbow!" Rarity seemed genuinely touched, snapping back to her usual self as if a switch had been hit. "Let me know if you and your hubby ever want a little ménage à trois."

"How are things between you and Zephyr?" Twilight seized the oppurtunity to change the topic of conversation from Rarity's intense changeling-phobia and obvious war traumas. "How's Quick Cloud?"

"I cannot believe that's the name we're sticking with," Rainbow rolled her eyes, "but things are fine. I mean, he's pretty busy being a mane stylist and the princesses' personal sex toy, but he needs to work off that debt, y'know?"

"It just occurs to me that even though you were laid off from the Wonderbolts, you still had a salaried job with the School of Friendship, didn't you?" Rarity asked.

"Yeah, but that money was going to my cider addiction," the pegasus scoffed, "and before you ask, Zephyr's money was going to take care of our foal."

"...You're a piece of work, you know that?" Twilight deadpanned.

"Anyway, now I'm kinda lonely, surprisingly. I come home and Zephyr's dead tired on the couch. Don't tell him I said this, but I kinda miss when he always hit on me, y'know?"

"Rainbow, you always curse him out when he does that," Rarity pointed out. "Just last week he complimented the dress you wore to his uncle's funeral, and you verbally assaulted him."

"I think you're exaggerating."

"You flipped his uncle's casket in front of the entire congregation!" Twilight retorted.

"...Alright, so I tend to overreact a little bit," the pegasus scowled, "but I like to flip out about his flirting. It's sort of, like... a vent for my frustration."

"Wait, back to the debt," Twilight frowned. "You're in the Wonderbolts again; can't you help pay off the debt?"

"Well, yeah, I guess I could," Rainbow blushed, "but..."

"But?" the alicorn raised an unamused eyebrow.

"Look, if you were married, are you telling me you wouldn't like to sit back and watch while your husband ruts Celestia and Luna?" the pegasus sputtered. "I-I mean, come on! That's... that's amazing! My husband is rutting the Princesses of Equestria! That's some insane bragging rights! And when I sleep with him, it feels like I slept with them, so that's cool too."

"The Princesses are, how they say, mighty fine!" Rarity giggled. "That's why I encourage Spikey-wikey to play around."

"Okay, first," Twilight turned her attention to the unicorn, "you're not in a relationship with Spike. Constantly rejecting his advances while stringing him along doesn't constitute a relationship."

"It doesn't?" Rarity seemed genuinely surprised.

"Secondly, you literally had an emotional breakdown when he hung out with Gabby!"

"Wait, what season do these fics take place?" Pinkie asked, spontaneously now part of the group.

"What the-!" Twilight jumped away from the pink mare suddenly only a few feet from her. "Where did you come from?!"

"This is a park, silly! I saw you guys and came over!" Pinkie grinned. "So... does this fic take place during Season 9, then? Or are we more in like a fluid, floating timeline? Because Celestia and Luna are still in charge, but 'Dragon Dropped' wasn't until-"

"Pinkie!" the three other mares exclaimed, angrily, sick and tired of their friend breaking reality.

"Yeesh! Fine!" the earth pony rolled her eyes as she took a seat. "I guess it doesn't matter anyway. What were you guys talking about?"

"Rainbow Dash abusing her husband and Rarity abusing Spike," Twilight deadpanned. "Honestly, girls, I don't understand why guys get into such abusive relationships. Why don't they like nice mares?"

"Who? Like you?" Rarity scoffed. "Oh yes, because you never abuse Spike."

"'Nice mares'..." Rainbow Dash muttered. "You gonna tip your fedora at us next?"

"Wait, so am I married yet? Is this post-finale?" Pinkie started but stopped when she saw the glares from her friends. "Any-hoo, why are you guys playing chess?"

"Rainbow Dash is a commissioned officer in the Wonderbolts," Twilight explained, "for some reason."

"I gotta get smart at tactics," the pegasus said with that one derpy-eyed expression. You know the one.

"Oh! You should have Rarity train you!" Pinkie suggested. "She's one of Equestria's most infamous officers!"

"I believe you mean 'famous', darling," Rarity gave a tight smile.

"Nah, I know what I said."

"I can't believe I'm only now finding out that you spent six years as an officer in the Royal Equestrian Army," Twilight was still in disbelief. "I can't believe I'm only now finding out we have an army! I thought it was just the Royal Guard and the Wonderbolts!"

"The R.E.A. is only ever operational during times of war," the unicorn explained, dryly. "Their Majesties don't like having a standing army during peacetime. It disrupts the illusion that we aren't imperialists."

"We aren't imperialists," the alicorn countered, slightly offended.

"See?" Rarity giggled. "The illusion holds!"

"B-but, we aren't!" Twilight looked to her other friends for support.

"I don't know, Twi," Rainbow shrugged, "what we did in Appleloosa was kinda... blatantly colonization."

"We also deposed Queen Chrysalis and destroyed a longstanding martial culture in the changelings, coercing them to adopt our teachings and ways of life," Pinkie grinned. "Gotta say, that sounds pretty imperialist!"

"Don't fret about it, darling," Rarity comforted the distressed princess. "We make the world safe for our kind, and if others want to join us, well, they can. As satrapies."

"Or puppet states," Rainbow added.

"Or - heh-heh - 'allies'!" Pinkie said with air quotes.

"Oh Celestia, are we the bad guys?" Twilight paled.

"No!" Rarity assured her friend. "No, heavens no! Twilight... good and evil are merely points of view. When you examine the battlefield objectively, you see that morality is simply a tool of politicians to mobilize support among the masses. Was my raid against the buffalo tribes 'good'? Insofar as I secured more lebensraum for pony settlers, so in a roundabout way, yes. Were the actions of our glorious army being sanctioned by Celestia 'evil'? Well, that's for a philosopher to decide. A pony philosopher, naturally, since all the buffalo philosophers who witnessed the raid are dead."

Twilight looked like she was going to be sick.

"So... chess?" Rainbow asked.

"I think I should oversee your training from here on out," Rarity turned away from Twilight to face Rainbow Dash, "and you need better exercises. You shall read a collection of military treatises from some of Equestria's greatest generals: Sunny Sue, Troticus, Equine Saddle Pommel, and von Hoofwitz."

"Those last two puns are terrible!" Pinkie whined.

"Ugh! Reading?" Rainbow groaned. "I don't suppose there's some kinda action-packed comic version of their works?"

"Rainbow!" Rarity chided. "Their treatises on military science are some of the finest on classical strategy, logistics, espionage, siege defense, and a million other things besides! It would be absolutely foalish to debase such quality literature by making it into a cartoon of all things!"

"The library has several comic book variations of those works, actually," Twilight interjected. "Actually, Sunny Sue's work comes in three picture variations: her original text with pictographic aids; an action comic version that helps illustrate her work in the context of a narrative; and... a highly cartoonish version featuring anthropomorphic animals following the Art of War's tenets in a slapstick fashion. Apparently that last version was intended as a training manual for soldiers?"

"Oh, I adore those!" Rarity gushed. "You know, I was used for a Tijuana bible for the troops, once."

"What the hay is a Tijuana?" Twilight asked.

"What's a bible?" Rainbow tilted her head to the side.

"You know, I'm not really sure," the unicorn tapped her chin. "One soldier gave me his copy, but I could never open the silly thing; darn pages were stuck together.

The four friends returned to Twilight's castle where Rarity could pick out an assortment of books for Rainbow to study. Over the next several hours, Rarity and Twilight took turns quizzing the pegasus over the different chapters she read.

"Your regiment has come across a minefield," Rarity framed her question, "what is the most expedient method for crossing it?"

"Flying over it," Rainbow stated.

"Wrong!" the unicorn snapped, instantly in Rainbow's face. "You march as if it weren't there!"

Twilight sighed, used to hearing Rarity's fatalistic suggestions.

"Flying over it is fine, Rainbow Dash," the princess explained. "Rarity, you don't really believe marching your soldiers over a minefield is a good idea, do you?"

"It's really dependent on your priorities," the unicorn took on a lecturing tone. "If you have the horsepower and time is against you, then clearing a path by marching soldiers across it is acceptable. After all, if your objective is to reinforce an encapsulated division with your regiment, and all that stands between you and them is a relatively short distance of scattered mines, then the losses you would suffer from crossing the minefield are negligible compared to the loss of an entire division because you wanted to find a safer route."

"She's got a point," Rainbow agreed, "I mean, you could say you were trying to save lives, but the time you took to find another way around costs more lives than simply marching across."

"Now she gets it!" Rarity beamed. "Well done, Rainbow!"

"It just seems really callous to sacrifice lives that could have been preserved..." Twilight frowned.

"Which is why you would make a terrible officer, darling," the unicorn noted dryly. "Tell me, are you familiar with the Trolley Dilemma?"

"Yes," Twilight deadpanned, seeing where this was going.

"Then you realize you are the kind of pony who would willingly sit by and let four innocents be killed," Rarity sneered. "You may call me callous, but it is a mark of courage to bear the responsibility of such hard decisions. Sometimes, in order to preserve the most lives, it is necessary to forcibly sacrifice others."

"Wow," Pinkie was slightly awed. "So, by killing all those buffalo and changelings, you actually saved even more lives?"

"What? Oh, heavens no!" Rarity shook her head vigorously. "No, absolutely not! I don't think I could ever save enough lives to make up for the number I took! My trolley choice spared four and killed a hundred! Why, there was serious consideration on labeling our actions in the war a genocide!"

"Then why are you lecturing me on the Trolley Dilemma!" Twilight demanded.

"Just because I don't live up to the ideal doesn't mean we shouldn't strive towards it," Rarity shrugged.

"Maybe Rainbow will be the best of both extremes?" Pinkie suggested. "Perhaps she won't be afraid to make the hard decisions, but she'll save more with her sacrifices than without?"

The three mares spared a look at Rainbow Dash, the pegasus attempting to balance a book on her muzzle.

"Sweet Celestia on the Cross, she's going to make me look like St. Germain," Rarity muttered.

"Except she'll kill her own soldiers instead of the enemy's..." Twilight agreed.

"Oh!" Pinkie gasped. "You should put her in charge of the Light Brigade!" She smiled as Rarity and Twilight glared at her. "Y'know, 'cuz her name's Rainbow. Light? Get it?"

"So, anyway," Twilight returned her attention to Rainbow Dash, "what have you learned to day, Rainbow?"

"That Rarity's a badass."

"Anything else?" the alicorn deadpanned.

"That you're still an egghead."

"About military science!" Twilight snapped.

"That horrific losses are absolutely acceptable," the pegasus beamed. "If even one of my soldiers outlasts the enemy, then we win! A pyrrhic victory is still a victory!"

"By jingo, she's got it!" Rarity was ecstatic.

"By jingo is right..." Twilight grimaced. "I suppose I should be grateful you're only an officer in a unit of stunt flyers."

"We sure are lucky we're at peace, huh?" Pinkie added.

"Yes... lucky..." Rarity didn't sound as enthused.

The four friends relaxed into casual conversation afterwards, and eventually they were joined by the rest of their entourage: Fluttershy, relieved from looking after Rainbow's daughter by her brother getting off of work; Applejack, fresh from the farm; and Spike, returning from whatever it is he does when he's not clinging to Rarity or being ordered around by Twilight. Probably smashing Gabby. Who knows?

"Spikey-wikey!" Rarity greeted as the dragon arrived. "Would you tell Twilight here that what you and I have is an open relationship?"

"We have a relationship?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "I thought you always rejected my advances because you didn't want to date me?"

"Ha!" Twilight gloated at the unicorn. "I told you!"

"Drat..." Rarity pouted. "I suppose I'm not in a fantastical relationship with a young dragon... What will give my life succour now?!"

As if in answer, Spike belched up a letter in a burst of green flame. Seeing it was addressed to Twilight, he handed it to the Princess of Friendship. The alicorn read through it once, stared at in disbelief, then read it again to make sure.

"What is it, Twilight?" Pinkie asked, concerned.

"Equestria and the Crystal Empire are going to war with Abyssinia!" the alicorn exclaimed, horrified.

"Yes!" Rainbow Dash and Rarity cheered as one, exchanging a hoof-bump. Twilight glared back at the two of them in disapproval.

Spike belched up another letter, raising an eyebrow in curiosity when he saw that it was addressed to Fluttershy. He handed it to the pegasus, who held back a sob when she read it.

"My brother's been called into service!" the mare had tears in her eyes. "That means... that means I have to look after Quick Cloud while you two are delployed!"

"Aw yeah!" Rainbow thrust her forelegs into the air. "No more changing diapers for me! By the time I see the squirt again, she'll probably be in grade school!"

"I don't want to raise my brother's filly!" Fluttershy lightly sobbed.

"Ain't'cha worried your brother might get killed?" Applejack asked, receiving a letter from Spike as well. "Oh, looky there; my brother got called up, too. Great..."

"Applejack, Zephyr Breeze is entirely too lucky to get killed," Rainbow Dash scoffed. "I mean, he married me; if he's not the luckiest stallion in the world, I don't know who is."

"Oh hey!" Pinkie beamed at the three letters Spike handed her. "All of my sisters got called into service, too! I might be smiling, but I'm positively horrifed inside!"

"Come on!" Rarity shook the dragon. "Where's my letter, damn it?! I want to return to active service!"

Spike belched out a letter and handed it to Rarity, who giddily took it. Skimming it, she grinned madly.

"Oh, yes! The Butcher of Baltimare is back in action!" she giggled. "Those yaks won't know what hit them!"

"...Abyssinians," Twilight corrected.

"Those too!" Rarity agreed. "And anyone else who stands in my way!"

The unicorn stood on the map table and glared down at the magical representation of Abyssinia, smirking viciously.

"Soon, Capper, my old friend..." she cooed. "Soon you shall kiss my perfectly-cobbled jackboots as you kneel before me! I'll show you what happens when you rebuff the advances of an Equestrian war hero!" The reinstated officer pranced around on the table, doing a poor imitation of Capper's voice. "'Oh, I'm sorry, Rarity! I'm not attracted to ponies! Maybe if you were more anthropomorphic!' Well! The joke's on you now, you cad!"

"Begun, the Pony Wars have," Pinkie stated cryptically.

"Wars?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I thought we were only fighting the one-"

"Roll credits!" Pinkie screamed in the pegasus' face.

Author's Note

Ramping up to a multi-chapter work set in this... I don't even know what to call this timeline. A hot mess? One of the earliest story ideas my good friend FallBlau and I had in regards to the Blueblood-Zephyr idea was the concept that they were two incompetents in the military serving under Flash Sentry - the straight man to their zany antics. So, guess what the multi-chapter work will be?

Apologies if the ending was flat; endings are my Achilles' Heel.