What is Destiny Against Desire?
It was the day after her ascension. Twilight Sparkle had been so high strung with possibilities and questions that she didn’t sleep the previous night. Princess Celestia had stayed behind for a good hour, answering said questions and visiting with Twilight and her friends. Alas, she had to return to the capitol in Canterlot in order to rest for the next day.
The duties of a ruler never took a break, of course.
But many concerns plagued Twilight’s mind. One of them was, am I truly ready for this?
“Woah, you look terrible,” said Spike, her ever faithful dragon assistant.
“Good morning to you, too,” Twilight said flatly as she descended the stairs to her home’s living room. With little fanfare, she sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the food presented. An omelette with toast, cooked to perfection. Spike had outdone himself, as usual. Her horn alighting with magic, she took a small bite off with a fork and bit into it.
Delicious, at least that’s what her taste buds were saying.
“Oh! Forgot,” Spike said, walking over and fetching a mug. “Coffee, black,” he said, setting it next to her.
“Thanks, Spike,” she said, taking a sip. Hundreds of nights of studying required the black gold, and due to her inability to create anything tasty, she eventually resigned herself to acquiring a taste for the bitter and untreated drink.
The two sat there for a few minutes, quietly eating their food. Eventually Spike broke the silence, saying, “So uh, what’s on the agenda for today?”
“Huh?” Twilight mumbled with a start, prompting Spike to repeat his question. “Oh, uh...I don’t know.”
Spike snorted. “The famous Twilight Sparkle doesn’t have a checklist ready to go?”
Twilight glared half heartedly. “Well I do, but not only did I find out that I’m a princess now, I didn’t get any sleep last night.” She sighed. “Today is not going to be fun.”
“Well, if you’re a princess now, why don’t you just take the day off?”
Twilight frowned. “It doesn’t work that way, Spike! Not only is that an abuse of power, but it would set a bad precedent.”
“What do you mean?”
Twilight looked at him for a moment. “Uh, Spike, what is it you think that princesses do?”
Spike put his fork down and tapped at his chin for a moment. “Uh. You know, now that I think about it...I don’t know? I mean I know that Princesses Celestia and Luna rule Equestria, and Cadance the Crystal Empire, but what does that even mean?”
Twilight took in a breath, causing Spike to wilt. It was one of those breaths. “Well, to start off with, being a princess is not all fun and games. I mean sure there’s the wealth and luxury, but you also have to deal with work. Lots of work. You have to wake up at the same time every day, manage your subordinates, answer messages, attend court, listen to the petitioners…”
Spike watched, quickly setting in to a well practiced daze of half attention. Twilight worked at her own speed when she was in this state, and very few ponies could hope to keep up with her. Years ago, Spike simply stopped trying.
“...and then, finally, you have to be on call even during your rest hours to deal with any urgent or emergency issues. The constant rescheduling issues alone are going to drive me crazy!” She finally stopped, her chest heaving before she took the mug of now warm coffee and chugged it. Her throat was dry and sore from talking for the past twenty minutes, and the warmth helped.
That was when Spike said, “Wow. I never thought of it that way. Why would anypony want to be a princess?”
Twilight choked on the coffee and started coughing. “W-what?”
“Being a princess sounds lame,” he said matter of factly. “All that work. Almost no vacation time. Everypony watching you all the time. And your decisions affect all of Equestria.”
“Spike, being crowned princess is an honor,” Twilight stressed.
Spike shrugged. “Well, I guess.” He backtracked slightly at Twilight’s look, holding his hands up in surrender. “Don’t get me wrong. I mean I like Princess Celestia, but you could never get me to sit on the throne. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty surprised that you’re going along with it.”
Twilight blinked. “What do you mean?”
Spike poked at what remained of his breakfast. “Well, like you said. You’ll always be on call, and you hate it when your schedules are messed up. You don’t like attention, but your face is going to be in all the papers. And when you’re under constant pressure…”
He hesitated.
“What?”
Spike winced. “You aren’t exactly the most stable pony, Twilight.”
Twilight’s brow scrunched, and she opened her mouth to retort, but various recent events came to mind. “Okay, fair enough, but I’m working on it! The point is, Princess Celestia believes in me.”
Spike nodded. “Well, yeah. She’s always believed in you, but that’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“And what’s that?”
Spike paused for a moment in thought. “Do you really want to be a princess, Twilight?”
Twilight opened her mouth to respond, ‘Of course! I want to take my place at her side,’ but nothing came out. She felt herself stiffen as she considered the implications of this. She looked left and right as she searched for the answer, her eyes finally landing on Spike. He looked at her with a knowing expression. The same one he always gave her when she bit off more than she could chew. Usually this meant she was taking on more work to impress the princess-
Oh.
Oh dear.
“Um, Spike?” she weakly began.
“Yeah?”
“I’m…” What was she going to do? Send a message to Princess Celestia? Go read? Take a walk? A wave of dizziness hit her, along with the answer.
“I’m going to go lie down. Can you watch the library for a few hours?”
Spike smiled. “No problem.”
===
Twilight approached the Carousel Boutique. She had spent four hours sleeping, just enough to get her up to her usual minimum requirements. A light lunch later, and she knew what she had to do.
She needed to talk to her friends.
With the ring of a bell, she pushed the door open to the shop.
“Coming!” sang a voice from the back. Seconds later, Twilight’s unicorn friend Rarity trotted in.
“Oh! Twilight, or should I say Princess Twilight?” She dipped into an obviously playful bow.
That did not stop Twilight’s grimace. “Please, Rarity. It’s just Twilight. And, no bowing?”
Rarity giggled lightly. “As you wish, dear. Now, what can I do for you?” She suddenly gasped. “Has Princess Celestia announced your coronation date already? Do you need me to make you a dress?”
Twilight held a hoof up. “No, Rarity. It’s not that.” Actually it was, tangentially at least. “I just want to talk to you.”
Rarity’s expression immediately shifted to understanding. “Wait right there.” She trotted back to her kitchen, and returned a minute later with steaming cups of tea. “Come on up, dear,” she said, leading Twilight to her living area. The two sat on a sofa, its upholstery soft and cush, and its frame high end.
Just like everything Rarity fancied, and just like everything that was in Twilight’s future.
“What’s on your mind?” Rarity asked.
Twilight sipped at the hot tea to stall for time. If Rarity noticed the tactic, she didn’t show it.
“Do you believe in destiny?”
Rarity’s eyes widened. It was clear she wasn’t expecting that question. “I...well I…” She paused. “I suppose I do. Why do you ask?”
Twilight took a breath. “When I disappeared last night, Princess Celestia spoke to me. She said that this…” She lifted one of her new wings. “...was my destiny.”
“And you’re not sure about this?” Rarity asked.
Twilight winced. “Yeah, I...how did-”
Rarity smiled. “Details, dear. It’s written all over your face.”
Twilight huffed a soundless laugh. “Of course. But you’re right, I’m not sure. I mean last night I was excited, happy, and ready for the future! Now…”
“Now reality is starting to set in, and you aren’t sure if you like what you’re seeing?” Twilight blinked. “You’re reminding me of when Sweetie Belle and her friends come up with a plan to get their cutie marks, only to find out how much work it entails.”
Twilight frowned. “I’m not afraid of the work involved.”
Rarity nodded and took a sip of her tea. “I’m not saying that you are, dear. After all, whenever you see a problem, you never complain while you find the solution. You always have time for others.”
Twilight sighed. “Yeah. It’s just that now that I look at it, its all so overwhelming. Being a princess is way, way more work than I have ever dealt with before, on top of all the other strings attached to it. I’m not sure if I can handle it.”
“Well, we’ll have to disagree on that matter, Twilight. I think you’ll be simply divine. However, as somepony who regularly overtaxes herself, I may not be the best authority on the matter. Back to your original question though. Do I believe in destiny? Yes, I do, but it doesn’t shackle us. As an example, our cutie marks show us our special talent, but not everypony has a job with their talent. Sometimes it’s just a hobby, or a concept, or something too wide to even truly fathom. Even then, there are many other influences in how your life turns out. Your upbringing, your resume, whether or not you rutted when in school.” She tittered at Twilight’s blush. “The list goes on, naturally, but most of them have one thing in common. They are choices.”
Twilight slowly took that in. “So, what if I chose not to be a princess?”
Rarity smiled. “I wouldn’t think any less of you, dear.”
Twilight’s eyes perked up. “You wouldn’t? But isn’t it kind of selfish? I have duties, and…” She trailed off.
“Twilight, did you ask for this?”
“What?”
Rarity gave her a pointed look. “Did you ask to be a princess, or to ascend to be an alicorn?”
Twilight shook her head. “No? I just wanted to finish Star Swirl’s spell.”
“Then there you have it. These duties were thrust upon you without your consent. It’s only natural to question them. Now, it would be different if you were elected or took the crown by other means and then ignored your job. After all, that Twilight wanted the crown. You don’t, obviously, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
Twilight opened her mouth, and again there was silence. “You might be right,” she defaulted to. “But, you’re sure you have no problem with this?”
Rarity smiled and scooted over, giving Twilight a hug. “Twilight, I will never be disappointed in somepony that trusts their feelings. Even if you’re a librarian the rest of your life, I will always be your friend.”
Twilight felt some of the tension leave her. “Thanks, Rarity.”
“Any time, dear.”
===
“Do you think it’s wrong of me to feel this way?”
Applejack leaned against one of her innumerable apple trees, pushing back her stetson slightly as she thought. “Twilight, you know me. I’m just a farmpony. I don’t know much of what goes on in Canterlot, but I do know one thing. Lying to yourself ain’t the way to do it.”
At Twilight’s inquisitive look, Applejack continued. “I told you about how I got my cutie mark, right? Now, I love Aunt and Uncle Orange just like the rest of my family, but my time in Manehattan was the worst months of my life. Dressing up all frou frou, changing up my accent, watching what I say, those tiny meal things? Just about every moment of it, I was pretending. I was lying constantly. To the Oranges, to their fancy friends, and to myself.”
“So you decided to come home?” Twilight asked.
Applejack nodded. “Was the rainboom that showed me the way, but yeah. I just knew that the fancy life wasn’t for me. It wasn’t more than a minute after I got back that I knew I had made the right choice.”
She smiled. “Like I know you’ll make the right choice, sugarcube. Whenever you ain’t sure, just ask yourself if you’re doing right by yourself. You can never go wrong with your heart. And don’t you worry about disappointing me none. I’d never wish that feeling on you, specially if’n you got all of Equestria thinking you enjoy it. You’re my friend, no matter what.”
Twilight smiled. “Thanks, Applejack.”
And that was that.
===
“What do you think?”
Fluttershy was silent as she thought, as per her usual. The two were sitting in a small clearing near her cottage, a number of small critters hopping around without a care in the world.
“Twilight, do you remember when I modeled for Photo Finish?”
“Of course,” Twilight replied. She would never forget that incident. A tangled web of white lies and hurt that inevitably blew up in everyone’s faces.
Fluttershy nodded and hid her face for a few seconds. Twilight had learned long ago that when it came to her pegasus friend, patience was key.
Finally she said, “Well, I know you know most of the story, but not all of it.”
“What do you mean?”
Fluttershy took a deep breath. “I’ve never told anypony this but I, um, well…” She winced. “I hate Photo Finish.”
The way it was said was so soft and meek, Twilight didn’t understand. “Um, okay? I mean when I saw her she was a little rude but…”
Fluttershy frowned and shook her head. “No, you don’t understand, Twilight. Working for her was a nightmare. She was rude, bossy, arrogant, and didn’t care about anypony else. She never outright insulted me or anything, but it was like I was just a thing for her to use. I would never have worked for her if I wasn’t doing it for Rarity.”
Twilight blinked. “Um, I still don’t…”
“I wanted to hurt her, okay?!”
The clearing went silent, and Fluttershy filled the void.
“She is the most uncaring, unthinking, inconsiderate pony I had ever had the displeasure of knowing. The first couple days were fine, but as time went on, so did she. I got irritated, then angry, then I had to start doing breathing exercises to stop myself from bucking her in the face! If Rarity and I hadn’t figured out that we were both lying to each other to spare one another’s feelings, I would have eventually ended up in jail trying to shut her up!”
She took a breath and went silent for a moment, quietly unwinding as Twilight stared, slack jawed.
“My point, Twilight, is that everypony only has so much kindness to give before they hit their limit. When it’s spent doing something you don’t want to do, it runs out faster. If it’s a one-time thing, or something infrequent, it’s not so bad. But if you’re doing something you don’t like for a long time, just as a favor for somepony, you’ll eventually snap.”
“But being a princess isn’t just a favor,” Twilight said.
Fluttershy nodded. “You’re right. It’s not. It’s a life commitment, something much more serious. It’s like becoming a soldier, or taking an oath. You have to be absolutely sure it’s something you want to do, because if you figure out later that you made a mistake, you’ll have to either turn your back on your promise, or endure it and hope you don’t hurt somepony. Both of which are bad.”
Twilight thought about it for a moment, and it did make sense. She thanked Fluttershy, and spent a few more minutes with her in silence before departing.
===
“Am I being disloyal?”
“No,” Rainbow Dash immediately said. The two were sitting on a low flying cloud, something nice and easy for Twilight to fly to with her new wings.
“No?”
Rainbow sighed. “No, Twilight, and I’m actually a little peeved at the Princess for dumping this on you with no warning.”
“What do you mean?”
Rainbow took a moment to adjust her position on the cloud. “I mean, she was right. You’re definitely leadership material for the most part. You’ve got all the right moves and words, and you’ve led us in defeating four supervillains. If anypony deserves to be a princess, it’s you.”
Twilight smiled. “Thanks.”
“Now that I’ve said that. It was really crummy for the Princess to do all this. From what you told me about that weird cloud world you disappeared to and what the Princess said, it sounds like she’s been planning this for awhile.”
Twilight blinked. “Well...maybe?”
“I’m pretty sure. I mean...I’ve been there for a lot of it. She sent you to stop Nightmare Moon without telling you anything. She sent us to stop Discord. She sent us to stop Sombra, and that was the worst one.”
Twilight was stunned. “I...how do you mean?”
Rainbow snorted. “We’re the Elements of Harmony, and I’m cool with helping save Equestria, but we have our own lives. Why are we the go-to when big stuff happens? Why not the soldiers who signed up to protect Equestria? I mean, come on. Thousands of ponies' lives were on the line in the Crystal Empire, including Princess Cadance and your brother, and what does she do? Did she send the army to secure the place? Nope! She sent us, telling you it’s a test. A test. Lives were at stake, and she gambled them on you- don’t get me wrong you’re a super smart egghead- on you, figuring out how to stop him. I mean who does that?”
Twilight stared as Rainbow gave her an exasperated look. “I...er…” She paused. “Why didn’t you say anything before now?”
Rainbow sighed. “At the time I didn’t really think about it, and after we won...well...there wasn’t much point, you know? We were done, everypony was safe, and it seemed like a dick move to piss all over what we just did. So I let it go. But after you saved us from that cutie mark spell- which I don’t blame you for- I just started thinking once you said Princess Celestia gave it to you. I mean, did she know what it would do?”
“I’m...not sure,” Twilight said, looking away. “I mean, maybe? She did say that Star Swirl couldn’t finish it because he didn’t understand friendship like I do. Which implies that she knew the solution on some level. But really, it was my fault it happened. I cast the spell when I shouldn’t have.”
“And we forgave you, Twi.” Rainbow smiled. “I’m just...what I’m trying to say here is that...wow I got off on a tangent. What I meant to say is that you can’t betray someone you didn’t make a promise to. You’re Celestia’s student or...graduated student I guess. She wanted you to learn about magic to start, and then friendship when you got to Ponyville. That’s not a commitment on your part to become a princess. You’re our leader, and you help out in Ponyville sometimes, but that’s way different than leading a whole country. And her just showing up and saying it’s your ‘destiny’ after causing it to happen?”
She snorted. “Totally uncool. I would have been screaming at her if she did that to me. My opinion, Twi? She betrayed you by trying to railroad your life like that.”
Twilight didn’t know what to think about that. There was just a hole in her gut. So instead she asked, “When did you get so observant?”
Rainbow Dash opened her mouth, but suddenly winced. She took a moment to look around for eavesdroppers, much to Twilight’s bemusement. “The politics in the weatherpony field are insane. You gotta learn how to read people and situations, or you’ll lose that weather captain position you want and end up on fog duty in the middle of nowhere.”
She stiffened. “Just don’t tell anypony that. I have a reputation to maintain.”
===
“You’re asking the wrong question, Twilight,” Pinkie Pie said. The two were in Sugarcube Corner, the pink mare having taken a break as soon as she saw her friend in need of help. Milkshakes and cookies later, Twilight hadn’t said anything except the same general question she had been asking her friends.
“What should I be asking myself?”
Pinkie smiled faintly. It was rare for the party pony to look so serious. “What do you want to do? What will make you happy?”
Twilight snorted. “Spike asked me the same thing.”
“Spike is a very wise dragon, then.” Pinkie took another sip of her milkshake. “And really, unless you’re struggling to make ends meet, it’s the only question you should be asking yourself. Doing something you don’t like for the rest of eternity is the fastest way to become a grumper grumpypants, and nopony wants to be like that.”
“But Equestria needs me, Pinkie. I have duties I must attend to.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “Does it? I mean, Princess Celestia ran Equestria for a thousand years all by her lonesome. And now she has Princess Luna back to help her, who knows a lot lot lot more about ruling than you. I mean, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Twilight, but aside from your super big brain, what do you have that she doesn’t? Why are you better than her?”
Twilight frowned. “I...guess I can see your point.”
“So….”
“So?” Twilight asked.
“What makes you happy?”
She didn’t even need to think. “Being with you girls and Spike, reading books, and learning new magic.”
Pinkie nodded. “And there you have it.”
Twilight hesitated. “Is it really that simple?”
Pinkie shrugged. “Why can’t it be? I mean, if this was a super big important decision that had the whole of Equestria in the balance, that’s a different thing. But Equestria is already in good hooves, Twilight. And maybe later when you’re older, when you want to, and you think you’re ready, you can be a princess then. What’s the rush?”
“What’s the rush?” Twilight echoed. “Yeah,” she said, nodding.
She supposed it could really be that simple.
===
Twilight returned to the library, half dazed. She had gone to her friends for support, and she got it. Just not the kind of support she was expecting. Where she had started her quest expecting to be reassured and ready to take the reins of her new title, she had instead had her doubts reinforced. And yet, her friends hadn’t encouraged her either way. Not directly, anyway. Rainbow's tirade on Celestia's supposed railroading of her life was unexpected, but she hadn't outright told Twilight to turn down the crown. That wasn't to say she hadn't prompted Twilight to consider that viewpoint, but she put it off for later. One major decision at a time was best.
All of them hadn’t discouraged her from either option. Instead they simply expressed their support and told Twilight that her concerns were valid. That they would back her regardless of her decision. She felt warm that they did so, but she also felt a little sick.
Princess Celestia would be so disappointed.
But when it came down to it, her friends were right. Following one’s heart was never a mistake. Princess Celestia would surely understand. Surely.
Right?
“You okay, Twilight?” Spike asked. Twilight was suddenly aware of the whelp’s presence in front of her.
“Huh?”
“You were just staring at the wall.”
Twilight blinked. “Oh, right. I was just thinking.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
Twilight smiled. “Yes, you can. I need you to take a letter.”
Spike fetched a quill and parchment. “Finally come to a decision?”
Twilight took a deep breath. “I think so. Ready?”
“Ready.”
“Dear Princess Celestia. After allowing myself to reflect and deliberate on my future, along with having several discussions with my friends, I’m afraid I must inform you that I have decided to decline the title of Princess of Equestria. I am sure that this is a disappointment and I apologize, but I do not believe that it is best for me to join the nobility in the near future. Along with the fact that I currently possess next to no experience in governance, I simply have no desire to do so at the present time. As I am no longer your student, I will instead simply maintain my position as caretaker of the Golden Oak library, and likely begin independent research. I hope that we can maintain our friendship in the future despite my decision, and I hope to hear your response on this soon. Your former student, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Spar...kle,” Spike murmured. “Done. Are you sure about this?”
Twilight took a breath. “This is right, Spike. I’m sure. Send it.”
“You got it.” Spike wrapped the letter up in a ribbon before washing it in green fire. It burned to smoke, and quickly headed out the window to its destination.
“So, what now?” Spike asked.
Twilight was still reeling from watching the dragonfire fly out the window, but Spike’s words snapped her out of it. She took a moment to consider her options. Most of them were her studies. Studies that were now optional.
“You know what? How about a picnic dinner? Just you and me, and we can watch the stars?”
Spike smiled. “Sounds great!” The two headed towards the kitchen to fetch the food. It didn’t take much time, as they had simply prepared some sandwiches. Basket packed, they moved to head out, only for Spike to belch, green fire materializing into a scroll with the royal seal on it.
“Looks like a letter from the Princess,” Spike said. He began to unroll it, but Twilight gently took it from him and set it on one of the tables.
“Are...you going to open it?” he asked.
“Nope. Dinner first. I’ll worry about it later.”
The two left for the park, shutting the door behind them.
