Three-tier Chantilly cake, as a matter of fact
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Three-tier Chantilly cake, as a matter of fact
On one muggy June evening, the Coco Cabana at the Silver Shoals retirement village was the most heavily guarded building in all of Equestria.
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Princess Flurry Heart had come from the Crystal Empire, and Princess Twilight Sparkle had come from Canterlot, to visit the retired Princesses Celestia and Luna at Silver Shoals.
Most retirees were early birds, and by 10 o’clock the Coco Cabana restaurant was completely empty, save for a single round table where five alicorn princesses sat.
“More cake, sister?” Celestia offered Luna a laughably small slice—perhaps out of guilt for having eaten most of the three-tiered delicacy.
Luna sighed. “O no, sister, you eat it, thereby increasing the semblance between your fat posterior and two barrage balloons.”
“Be nice, Auntie Luna!” a 15-year-old Flurry Heart scolded.
Luna rolled her eyes. “O, I’m sorry, it’s ‘plump’, not ‘fat.’ One must keep up with the times of political correctness.”
“I must admit, Chef Gustave has outdone himself for our reunion dinner,” Twilight said. “I did quite a bit of baking with Spike in my younger years, and I never made a cake that could compare to this. The cream is rich, but with no heavy aftertaste. The sponge cake is so airy and moist, and yet not soggy. And the berries on top are so fresh. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a tasty Chantilly cake in my whole life.”
“It is delicious,” Cadence said, eating her third slice.
“I agree,” Flurry said, finishing her second slice.
“Well, it’s good, but certainly not the best I’ve had in my whole life,” Celestia said, levitating a twelfth slice into her mouth, only she missed slightly and got a dollop of cream on the side of her mouth.
“Celestia!” the younger princesses teased. “Stop being such a wet blanket.”
“It’s not about being a wet blanket,” Celestia said, licking up the dollop of cream. “It’s just hard to call something the ‘best in my life’ after living for over 1000 years.”
“O my, sister, we sure have changed our tone since that evening last week with the Saddle Arabian pole dancer.” Luna was in quite the sarcastic mood tonight, apparently.
“Auntie Celestia got laid…?” Flurry Heart’s eyes widened.
“Well. That was different,” Celestia said, her snout upturned, trying to hide her embarrassment. “I said that in a moment of passion. It was luau night at the Silver Shoals Community Center. I put a few Bits in his G-string…he got the wrong idea.”
“I can’t imagine how putting Bits in his G-string would give him the right idea,” Cadence interjected.
“That’s beside the point,” Celestia continued. “Well, I suppose he liked me because I’m the only pony in Silver Shoals over eighty that can do the limbo without a truss.”
“Ahem,” Luna interjected.
“Besides my sister, of course. But the point is, just because I said he was the ‘best in my life’…doesn’t mean he was. The conversation was dry, the sex was…predictable. Of course, everything gets predictable once you hit 1000. There’s only so many ways the stallion can put it in.”
“That’s what I thought,” the Princess of Love said, with a defeated look. “Then I discovered Flurry’s…ahem, hentai collection.”
“Mom~!” Flurry Heart began to cool her face with the condensation on her water glass. “The only reason I have it is because you wouldn’t let me date until, like, three months ago!”
“And I bet you’ve tried everything in those books already,” Cadence said to her daughter.
Flurry Heart gave up and began pouring the cold water directly on her face. Celestia giggled. Despite the (very large) age gap, the two white princesses were not that unlike each other.
“Well, there may be outlandish ways to do it that I haven’t tried,” Celestia said, giggling. “But I’m not a sex maniac. I have standards.”
“O please, Celestia, you would proclaim Blueblood as the best in your life were you horny enough,” Luna said, quite astutely.
Luna was right—in fact, Celestia already had her eye on another stallion. There was a new waiter pony at the Coco Cabana. Although his thick glasses were rather off-putting—they resembled the kind Twilight wore when she was younger—the stallion had beautifully toned muscles, a suave voice, a strong, noble chin…
…and, as you can guess, he was horrible at his job. He mixed up their orders five times over the course of dinner, nearly spilled cocktail sauce on Cadence’s crown, and gave Flurry Heart "a plate of water" instead of "a plate of watermelon" for dessert. An hour later, Flurry Heart’s watermelon still hadn’t arrived.
Celestia had not even piqued the young stallion’s interest. She had tried every pick-up line she could think of: “You know what they say about alicorns in bed?” or “Why don’t you tell me about tonight’s hot specials…like me.” He was completely unresponsive to her advances.
“Perhaps I should try another line,” Celestia thought out loud. “I’ll be more direct.” She assumed a sultry position. She leaned a little too far forward, and the tip of her horn scraped the bottom of the table lamp.
Celestia rehearsed her pick-up line in front of the other princess. “‘Hey, does not having sex for seven hundred years make you turn into a virgin again? Why don’t you…help me find out?’…how was that?”
“Erm…”
“You were a bad actor then, and you’re still a bad actor,” Twilight said.
“But you haven’t abstained for seven hundred years, sister.”
“Well, he doesn’t know that, Luna. Besides, I never said that I haven’t had sex for seven hundred years…I was just…speaking hypothetically. Now, what message does that line convey? Does it emphasize my…nubility?”
“‘Seven hundred years?’ I think it just makes you seem, like, really old and not getting any.” Flurry Heart facehoofed.
“I agree with my daughter. Don’t use that line.”
There was nodding among the four other princesses.
Celestia sighed heavily, and hid her disappointment by wiping her mouth with a napkin. “Well, I trust you all don’t have any snide remarks to me offering you all more coffee?” She first levitated the pot to her sister.
“No I don’t,” Luna replied, “But I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.” The aura around the coffee pot changed from yellow to dark blue. “I must be sure to rise early so as not to miss 7am shuffleboard with Dusty Pages and the Romance Book Club tomorrow.”
“Shuffleboard!? Oh my gosh, like, how old are y—oh wait.” Flurry Heart trailed off.
“I am not a so-called ‘boomer’, if that is what you are insinuating,” Luna said. “I simply enjoy shuffleboard, playing cards, and the occasional cheap romance novel.”
“Boomer,” Flurry whispered to her mother. They both giggled.
“I play shuffleboard regularly,” Twilight said. “And I’m a spring chicken at 44.”
“And that’s why you’re not getting any,” Cadence quipped.
“Hey!” Twilight bristled at Cadence's remark. “I’ll have you know, Felt Scratch at the Canterlot Shuffleboard Club asked me out at the first meeting!”
“And…what happened?”
“Do…do I have to say?”
“Of course. It’s a…royal order.” Princess Flurry’s eyebrows rose and fell in time to Twilight’s rapid heartbeat.
Twilight nervously scooched in her chair. “Well…he’s got a lovely personality—”
“He was lousy in bed, wasn’t he?” Cadence quickly concluded.
“Ooh…curse these alicorn hormones!” That outburst alone was enough to make Twilight’s face become all flushed and make her wings pop out.
“Well, none of y’all know what it’s like to be a teenager with alicorn hormones,” the youngest princess said. “By the time I was twelve, I started having dreams of screwing that guard that stands by my bedroom door in the castle hallway.”
Meanwhile, a certain male guard standing outside the Coco Cabana was blushing furiously.
“Why, Flurry, that is nothing to feel ashamed of,” Luna said. “Why, in my day, I had numerous trysts with guards—the difference being, I suppose, that they were dutifully employed for such a purpose.”
“I don’t know. I understand that was a different time,” Twilight said, “but I just don’t feel right about hiring some stallion to do it with you. To me, it seems…unethical.”
“And many ponies of your generation would agree with you, Twilight. Perhaps the practice is antiquated, but it in theory it is not explicitly banned, even to this day,” Celestia said. “To please a royal alicorn is still a highly coveted privilege, whether out of want for love…or Bits. But of course, Twilight, it is your personal choice above all else.”
“I dunno, I’d pay somepony to do it,” the youngest Princess shrugged.
“Flurry!” Cadence went into full mom-mode.
“Why not? Maybe if you increased my allowance, I could get Feather Bangs.”
“You’re just bitter because Rumble dumped you last week.”
“He did not dump me, Mom! He got accepted into the Wonderbolts Reserve and had to go for extended training in a top-secret base outside Cloudsdale.”
“He dumped you.”
Flurry Heart gave in. “Oh, yes…!” She accepted her mother’s offer of a hug. “I mean…why would he do that to me? Like, WHO DUMPS AN ALICORN PRINCESS~!?!?!”
Apparently, the 15-year-old had already mastered the Royal Canterlot voice.
“Well, don’t get your hopes down, Flurry,” Twilight said. “I’m sure there are plenty of excellent stallions who would line up to date a young alicorn princess like yourself.”
“Oh, and they’re lining up to date you,” Flurry said, rolling her eyes.
Twilight bristled at her sarcasm. “Hay! Only last week, Star Tracker asked me out on a date!”
“Wasn’t he the borderline stalker slash fanboy that followed you around during that zeppelin cruise 15 years ago?” Cadence asked.
Twilight pursed her lips and looked around nervously. “Well…he’s older now, he’s changed. He’s…a little less…clingy…? And…”
Cadence pressed for more information. “And…?”
“And…he finally moved out of his parents’ basement a month ago…?”
“And…?”
“That smell in his fur…wasn’t as…bad as I thought it would be…?”
Cadence let out a smug grin. “And let me guess, he was lousy in bed?”
Twilight let out a heavy sigh of disappointment. “And he got us kicked out of the library.”
“You took him on a date to the library!?” Flurry blurted out. Even Cadence could not hide her face of disgust.
“You know a more romantic place…?” Twilight’s eyelids fell, and her breathing grew heavy. This was no joke. She genuinely found the sight of books arousing.
Even Celestia had to facehoof. “Twilight…”
“O children, you must not let one stallion get you down,” Luna said. Apparently any alicorn under 100 was considered a child. “You will outlive many lovers after all—whether you choose to marry or not, it is only inevitable that an alicorn’s appetite can only be satiated by a multitude.”
“How long will you wait after Shining Armor dies, Cadence?” Celestia asked.
Cadence tried to laugh off the subject. “Oh, I haven’t thought about it, and why should I!? He’s only 50 now—he’s still got quite a few decades left.”
“Decades,” Luna scoffed. “O, what a notion. I recall when I used to count time in decades.”
“Well, I only have your best interests at heart, Cadence,” Celestia said. “We are immortal, and we must make arrangements for the endless future that lies ahead of us. Although neither me nor my sister ever married, we both had numerous lovers over the centuries. No doubt you will, Cadence. And you will too, Flurry.”
“Hay, what about me!?” Twilight scowled.
“Well…you stop taking your dates out to the library, then give us a call,” Cadence teased.
Twilight stopped herself from drinking coffee and sat up straight in her chair. She read somewhere—in a book—that caffeine decreases sex drive, and good posture increases circulation to the nether regions.
“And besides,” Cadence continued. “Not like there’s any reason I need to think about my next lover. Shining Armor’s a great husband. Sure, he’s…a little…little down there, but it’s nothing alicorn magic can’t fix…”
“Mom, I don’t think I wanna hear this!”
“Hey! My brother does NOT have a small penis!”
Cadence shook her head. “Oh poor Twilight, you really haven’t gotten out much, have you…?”
Twilight reluctantly joined in on the giggling at her expense. By then, all that was left of the Chantilly cake were crumbs. Twilight’s stomach had ballooned to twice its size, and Celestia’s posterior had fulfilled Luna’s prophecy, and then some.
Celestia levitated the coffee pot again. “Are you sure you don’t want more, sister?” There was just enough left for one more cup.
“No, thank you, I don’t want to miss shuffleboard,” Luna said. “I think I shall retire to bed soon. Much gratitude for coming to visit us...Twilight...Cadence...Flurry."
“Hay, you all are picking on me for having no sex life,” Twilight said, not willing to let go of the subject. “Well, I’ve got a hot, steamy sex story too. One that’s going to beat all your vanilla stories,” she said, with a determined stare.
Luna leaned a little closer. “O, is that so? Pray tell, Twilight.”
“You’re not just making up something, are you…?” Flurry was suspicious.
“Of course not! Pinkie Promise…”—she did the whole dance—“…that this story is 100 percent true.”
“Fine. Tell us,” Cadence said.
Twilight sighed deeply, giggling as she exhaled. “It’s the story about how I married a book.” She flashed a toothy smile and moved her eyebrows up and down.
Flurry Heart silently gagged.
Flurry, Cadence, Celestia, and Luna looked at each other in silence. Without even nodding, they came to a silent agreement.
Flurry Heart was the first to speak. “Gee, is that the time? I think I better go to bed. I like totally don’t wanna miss 7am shuffleboard tomorrow. What about you, mom?”
“Oh me too. I’m beat, I think I’ll call it a night.”
“I think I will join my sister for shuffleboard tomorrow.”
The four princesses filed out of the room, past the royal guards, some of which left to escort the princesses to their individual rooms. Twilight was left alone.
The purple princess's face sank as she heard the whirr of the cheap fan in the tropical night. There was no cake left. The drinks were empty. There were Luna’s teeth marks in the hollowed-out pineapple that once contained a pina colada.
Oh, she had to face it. They were right. She wasn’t getting any.
At that moment, the waiter pony came out, with Flurry Heart’s order of watermelon (finally).
“Where did they all go?” he asked.
“Oh, they went to bed early,” Twilight said, her chin resting on the table.
Although she didn’t turn to look at him right away, Twilight could immediately smell the musk of the stallion. He was attractive.
She noticed there was a book in his saddle pocket. “Is that the latest Daring Do book?” she asked him.
“Yes. It just came out, and I just can’t stop reading it, even while I’m on the job. Suppose that’s why I’ve been so bad at serving you all tonight.” He gave her a sheepish grin.
“Well, I’ve already read it, but I won’t spoil it for you,” Twilight said.
“I thank you, Princess.” He bowed slightly. “Although, spoilers do not bother me at all. The joy of reading A.K. Yearling’s masterfully crafted prose is by far the most rewarding part of the experience.”
Twilight grew giddy; a smile crept up her face. “Would you say…you…love books?”
“Oh, I can’t get enough. I used to work at a library.” A droplet of saliva rolled off his tongue and hit the table.
Twilight’s eyes lit up. “You did!?” She began stroking the floof under his neck.
“Yeah. They had to cut back on staff, though, so they had to…let me…go…” he trailed off. He looked down at the Princess’s purple hoof. “Erm…is there anything I can get you, Princess?”
Twilight giggled. “Yes…as a matter of fact, there is. What do you say you come to my room…and we’ll…do some reading together?” She rolled the "r" in "reading."
The former librarian pony looked down at his book, looked into the princess’s eyes, and then he blushed. “Yes…I’d…I’d like that very much.”
He threw his waiter uniform onto the floor and followed Twilight out the back exit and to her guest room.
As they walked, Twilight asked, out of curiosity, “Why not Celestia? She tried to pick you up earlier tonight.”
The bookworm stallion chuckled. “Well, I may be superficial in saying this, but…I thought her butt was too large.”
Twilight laughed. “That makes two of us.”
Author's Note
Good morning, Twilight, breakfast is re—Twilight...!? Is that you!?
Celestia! You can't just walk in like that!
Wait...under the bedsheets...is that...!?
Ehehe...
The waiter pony!? But you only met him last night!!! I can't believe this!
I'm sorry, Celestia, I—
I've taught you well, my faithful student.
