Seeking My Purpose In The World

by The Sleepless Beholder

Chapter 39 Part 2: “I can’t”

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Thorax was standing guard next to Cadence’s cell when he was unexpectedly visited by non-other than his own mother, holding an unconscious and beaten up yellow pegasus wearing a green dress in her magic.

“I need you to take the identity of this pegasus,” she told him as she set said pony on the ground.

“B-but, this is Fluttershy. One of the elements!” the changeling exclaimed.

Chrysalis smiled. “You know about her? Perfect. Assuming her role will be easier for you then.”

“You want me to replace her?”

“I need you to, and you’re the perfect candidate. The entire operation depends on this. Do not fail this task,” Chrysalis warned, and seeing no way to object, Thorax changed his form into Fluttershy’s. “Very well, I will send you a full profile about her to her cottage tomorrow, for now just follow her friends and be sure to remember everything they’ve done today.” With that said, Chrysalis opened the cell and unceremoniously threw the pegasus right beside Cadence.

“Fluttershy?” The princess of love asked in disbelief. “What have you done?!” she shouted to the changeling queen, but Chrysalis just closed the door, giving her no answer.


Pinkie bounced at top speed through the halls of the castle like a rubber cannonball, making her way to the top.
When she finally reached the door of the room she was looking for, she slammed back-first into it, tearing it off its hinges, and landed on the floor with a final bounce.
Infront of her, sitting on the ground, gaze on the floor, eyes lost, and with a large burn-scar on her neck, was princess Celestia.

“Okay, listen up,” Pinkie announced as she walked up to her. “I know you must be in a really mopey mood right now, and no amount of cake will solve it, but there is…” Pinkie’s speech died down as she noticed that the alicorn didn’t seem to be hearing her, in fact, it seemed like she wasn’t even alive.
The party pony was about to feel her pulse, but her Pinkie-sense screamed that she shouldn’t touch Celestia’s scar, so she just lifted of the alicorn by the chin so she could look her in the eyes. There was some life behind them, but it was clear things were far worse than the pink pony imagined.
“Can you hear me?” Pinkie asked, getting no response. “I know you’re there.” She shook the head a bit, trying to hear something inside, but there was nothing.
Pinkie started to get truly worried about her. Even if Twilight had declared her their enemy and all the terrible things she had done to her and Sunset, Pinkie couldn’t help but wanting to help.

“Look, I know things are really bad,” Pinkie said in the most serious and comforting tone she ever had. “But you won’t solve anything by sulking. You are the beacon of peace and kindness to everypony. You–”

“No…” the alicorn said in a barely heard whisper. “I’m… liar… thief… monster… a…”

Pinkie shook the alicorn. “You were the one who brought peace to Equestria for a thousand years! Everypony looks up to you. They need your guidance.”

“They… be… without…”

“And it’s not only them. We need you. Twilight is angry, but she’s also scared. Deep down we all are. And I’m sure Sunset is too.”

“Sunset… sorry… sorry… sorry…” Celestia kept repeating the word over and over again in a zombie-like state, but Pinkie didn’t give up.

“I know you are, but sometimes saying sorry isn’t enough. You need to do something to make things better, without waiting for forgiveness at the end.”

“She… never… me…”

Pinkie got closer to the monarch. “But right now, the one who really needs you, is your sister.”

Celestia’s eyes suddenly moved, looking at Pinkie by their own will. “Luna?”

“Ponies are being really mean to her. They don’t trust her without you at her side. She’s suffering a lot. You need to be there for her,” Pinkie begged, hoping to finally snap the princess out of her stupor.

“Luna… I…” Pinkie watched as five emotions took turns morphing the alicorns face.
The first was shock, then anger, confusion, sadness, and finally, determination.
“Where–” Suddenly, Pinkie had to take a few steps back as Celestia doubled over in pain and vomited a large quantity of a strange dark blue goo on the floor that smelled like if crude oil had somehow rotten in the sun.
After finishing expelling the corruption from her body, Celestia wiped her mouth with the back of her hoof and looked at Pinkie, eyes still filled with determination. “Where is my sister?”


“Come on, one of these should work!” Rainbow exclaimed frustrated as she tried another rune, but it just fizzled out and became useless against the barrier’s magic.
The pegasus looked back at the unconscious guards, wondering how much time she had before they woke up and surrounded her.
“If I had some more space, I would do a Sonic Rainboom and bust it open in ten seconds flat,” she said while trying to find a more powerful enchantment, but she had run out of options.
Grunting, Rainbow started hitting her head with her hooves. “Come on, think Rainbow, why does magic malfunction normally? What makes Twilight fail at using magic?”
Then a very dumb idea crossed her mind.

She dumped all the runes into her hooves and placed them against the barrier, activating all of them at the same time.
The runes glowed brightly, and there was a large discharge of magic that zapped her like a lightning bolt, but being a weather pony, she was used to getting hit by large quantities of electricity, so she managed to remain conscious.
Rainbow weakly celebrated as the magical barrier slowly started to banish in front of her, and she stumbled her way inside the vault, finding a large box in the center.
After making sure there weren’t any other traps or defenses, she opened the box and smiled at the sight of the Elements of Harmony.
“Mission, accomplished,” she said before flying out of the vault and going back to the party.


Twilight was biting the tip of her hoof as the heavy argument in the ballroom continued escalating. The guests in the VIP section had joined the crowd, with only the Wonderbolts and a few nobles trying to support her friends, and the lunar-guard that was trying to put order had just seen their beloved leader flee in tears, so they were also starting to get aggressive towards the crowd.

“Applejack and Rarity are in the middle of it, Pinkie left, and I don’t know where Rainbow or Fluttershy are.” Twilight was starting to hyperventilate, the start of a panic attack. “Did they get discovered? Are we going to be arrested? Why did I get them into this mess? What am I going to do?”

Suddenly, the doors connecting the ballroom with the inside of the castle slammed open, and through it came a sight she couldn’t believe.
Princess Celestia, wearing golden heavy armor, covering most of her body except the top part of her legs, her wings, her face and the tips of her ears. Her crown seemed to have been melded to a helmet, and her normally wide flowing mane was tied into a long ponytail.
All of this, combined by the fierce look in her yes, made everypony in the Gala stop their bickering at once.

“I could hear your screams all the way from my bedchambers,” the alicorn said as she walked towards her subjects. “I believed that you were being attacked.” The crowd parted, even the lunar-guard giving the princess space so she could reach the center of the ballroom. “Would somepony kindly inform me of the reason for this bickering?”

Nopony said anything, intimidated by the aggressiveness their normally kind and benevolent ruler was showing, clearly angry at their behavior. But surprising nopony, Blueblood was the only one who dared speak to the alicorn like if he did nothing wrong.
“I accused this mare here of withholding information about your oldest student. Things escalated from there.”

Celestia turned her head towards Rarity, but her gaze quickly moved to Applejack, who was standing next to her in a defensive posture. “Applejack, as the element of honesty, I will value your words above any other pony. What is the truth?”

The farm mare chose her words very carefully. “We refuse to believe she’s dead. And this “prince” here, has been badmouthing her in front of Rarity. I won’t stand that.”

Blueblood rolled his eyes. “In my defense–”

“I don’t care what you have to say for yourself,” Celestia interrupted him, with no intention of hiding her disgust.
“No matter how many generations pass, I can still see his face in his descendants,” the alicorn thought with her blood boiling. “That lying, manipulating face.” Celestia gritted her teeth. “It makes me want to just crush it under my hoof.”

“With all due respect aunt, you look very ill under that armor. Did your student do something to you when she betrayed you? The answer could quell some of the current tension,” Blueblood offered.

It was true. As much intimidating Celestia looked, in reality she was hanging by a thread. She was famished, dehydrated and exhausted after three weeks of isolation. The real reason she had summoned her Praetorian armor was because she wouldn’t be able to stand upright if she didn’t wear it.
Right now, even a simple kick would send her to the ground, but still, she stood in front of everypony like a force to be reckoned with.
She wouldn’t admit weakness, especially not in front of a Blueblood.
“I am not ill; I’ve just been mourning the death of my adoptive daughter.” Everypony was shocked. Never before had Celestia called Sunset her daughter. “And I won’t tolerate anypony speaking ill of her,” she declared to the crowd, and her eyes settled on Rarity and Applejack. “Sunset died, by my sister’s own hoof. But she wasn’t a traitor.”

“What was she then?” Blueblood asked. “What did she do to drive your sister to kill her. Or is princess Luna as mad as many believe?”

“Sunset was not herself,” Celestia answer without stutter. “Something took over her mind and body. It drove her insane.” Celestia paused, looking at the ground. “It should’ve been me.”

“So, there is an enemy hiding in the shadows,” Blueblood deduced, and to Celestia’s surprise, he seemed genuinely worried about the prospect. “If that’s the truth–” he turned around to face Applejack and Rarity. “–I apologize for my words against your friend. It seems that old attitude I had still lingers in my mind.”

Rarity turned to her friend, and to her disbelief, Applejack nodded. He was being truthful.

Celestia turned towards the two mares. “Rarity, Applejack, even if you did nothing wrong, I must ask you to leave the castle immediately. I don’t want any more fight’s breaking out while I speak with my sister.”

“But we–” Rarity tried to object, but then Twilight pushed her way to them. “She’s right girls, it’s better we go back to Ponyville.” She discretely signaled them with her eyes to look behind her, and they saw Rainbow alongside Pinkie and Fluttershy giving them a wink.
They both nodded and walked towards the exit alongside their friends.

“Twilight,” Celestia called out, and the unicorn turned around. “I’m sorry.”

Her student looked at her, seemingly studying her face, and walked off without giving an answer.


Once outside, Twilight gathered her friends and gave them the biggest, most desperate hug of her life. “I’m sorry I made you go through this. I should've–”

“Easy there Twilight. You gave us the chance to bail at the start, we all wanted to help yah, even if the consequences were dire,” Applejack said with a reassuring smile, calming the unicorn’s nerves.

“Besides, we won!” Rainbow exclaimed, patting the box hidden inside her dress.

“What about Sunset. Did you find her in the dungeons?” Twilight asked Fluttershy, who stared shaking as all of Twilight’s friends looked at her.

She slowly shook her head. “I didn’t see her in the dungeons.”

The excitement of victory over getting the elements died in all the ponies.
“Then… Did Celestia say the truth?” Twilight asked Applejack with desperation.

“Ah don’t know. She seemed to believe it, but I don’t… Ah don’t know.”

Fluttershy looked at their sad, defeated faces, wanting to say something, to give them a little bit of hope. But she couldn’t risk lying in front of the element of honesty.

Holding back tears, Twilight raised her head. “Let’s go back to Ponyville. We need to hide the elements.”
Everypony followed her to the carriage without saying anything, but when they were about to get inside, they realized something.
“Where’s Spike?”


“Spike?” Sunset asked, not believing her eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“We were looking for you,” the dragon responded as he walked closer to her. “Me, Twilight and all her friends. We couldn’t believe that you were dead, so we came here, and we’re willing to help you in any way we can.”

“You can’t help me Spike. I don’t want the help of anypony.” Philomena pecked her in the head. “You don’t count,” Sunset told the bird with a frown.

“We can help you Sunset. And we will do it you want it or not,” Spike insisted.

Sunset shook her head. “What could any of you do against Celestia and Luna? Hide below rocks with me?”

“We have the elements,” Spike declared.

“What?!” Sunset exclaimed.

“Rainbow must already have them by now. We will use them to defend you.”

Sunset looked at him in disbelief. “Spike, you can’t– you will be traitors. Luna will–”

“She won’t do anything!” Spike shouted. “Neither will Celestia. And even if they do, we will deal with it together.”

“Spike, what you’re saying is insane. You can’t seriously believe that you can stand your ground against the entirety of Equestria. And you’re doing it for me?”

“Of course we will, you’re family to us.”

“WE’RE NOT FAMILY,” Sunset shouted with far more anger than she actually felt, but the dragon didn’t take a single step back. “I can’t call any of you my family anymore.”

Spike frowned. “Why not?”

Sunset took a moment to respond. “I had a family Spike. A real family. I can’t just replace them with you. Not after everything that I’ve learned about my true life.”

Spike looked at the ground, but his eyes didn’t lose hope. “Okay, we’re no longer brother and sister then.” He walked up to her, getting closer. “But we will still help you regardless.”

Sunset was confused. “Didn’t you hear–”

“I did. You don’t want a family and you can’t make friends. That changes nothing. We still care about you. We care enough to risk everything just to protect you from anypony,” Spike stated, determination clear in his voice.

“But–”

“Not calling us friends or family won’t change what we feel Sunset. We all know who you are.”

Sunset frowned. “You don’t.”

Spike crossed his arms “We do.”

“Even I didn’t know who I was!” Sunset shouted.

“But you showed who you are.” Spike shouted back, and the unicorn was taken aback. “Did you not enjoy tailoring with Rarity? Making all those dresses for the creatures you cared about?”

“I… I did,” Sunset slowly answered.

“Did that change over these three weeks?” Spike asked more gently.

“No…” Sunset looked at the ground. “I still would like to make dresses. Read Fluttershy’s books, party with Pinkie, fly with Rainbow, see Applejack and her family, mess with Twilight, drink Fare’s coffee, fight with Gilda.” Sunset’s anger had completely faded by now. “But I can’t just go back to that like nothing happened… right?”
Then, she was suddenly hugged by Spike.

“You’re warm again.” Sunset’s eyes widened. “That’s how I found you. I still don’t know what it means, but I believe it’s a sign that you’re getting better. Maybe you just need time to think things through and settle on who you want to be, but I want you to know that we will all be ready to welcome you with open hooves, no matter what you call us or who you decide that you are.”

Slowly, Sunset hugged him back, feeling tears running down her face. “I… I will try… I want you to be my family… but… I can’t… not right now.”

“It’s okay. We will be waiting for you.”


“I’m here!” Spike called out to Twilight and the others. “Did you get the elements?” He asked as discretely as he could while jumping onto the carriage.

“We did, but–” Twilight looked down at the ground. “Sunset is–”

“I found her.” He announced, and everypony looked at him, bright smiles on their faces. “She’s okay and free, just needs some time to find herself. But she knows that she has our support.” Spike looked around, noting that the night-guard was returning to their posts now that the situation at the Gala had calmed down. “I can give you the full story on our way back.”

Twilight nodded, and they all got inside the carriage before departing back to Ponyville with their hopes restored.
It had been a victorious night after all.


Celestial walked through the halls of the castle doing her best to not trip and fall on her face.
She had eaten and was hydrated once again, but she had barely gotten any sleep, spending a large amount of her time helping Luna with her image as best she could. “I hope I can go back to my duties soon so she can rest from all this.” She thought as she opened the doors of the throne room.
She looked up, wanting to see her sister, and her heart almost stopped.
She saw Sunset sitting on the throne, with her golden crown sitting on her head.

“We need to talk,” the unicorn announced somberly.


Author's Note


Sunset's morale has gone up!

Wrathful will trait no longer active.

Four chapters remaining.


Next chapter: Chapter 40: Bad Idea

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