I look at the land before me. This is my land. This whole area belongs to me. I will stand my ground, fight to the bitter end, and earn this land for my children and my children’s children.
Then get treatos from my hooman.
Today begins a very tough day of peeing on everything to scare animeals. I trot about the farm yard with pride. Yesterday I almost caught that darn hip-hop doggo. Today will be better.
I sniffle the ground around my brown paws, trying to catch the scent of my last marking. I catch a waft of the bitter, sour aroma and push forward into the trees. My ears flick, scanning the forest for the slightest snap of a twig or a rustle of a leaf.
No sign of danger for the hoomans.
I relax, and my tail betrays my excitement at doing a good job at keeping the hoomans safe. I sniff the nearest tree. No. Marked. No. That one is marked too. I trot forward.
This one.
I tag the spot, and glance about. It’s then that I notice something strange. A glowing, lightish orb just a few feet away.
“HEY.” I bark. “FUCK YOU. I’M A DOG.”
The orb stops in its tracks.
“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT ASSHOLE. I’M GOING TO TEAR YOU DOWN INTO LOTS OF FETCH BALLS IF YOU DON’T LEAVE.”
The orb grows nearer. The hair on my back stands on end. I must protecc the hoomans. I dash towards the orb. Bare my teeth. Leap towards the circle, and…
Blinding light fills my vision.
I struggle, but the air rushes past my ears, deafening me.
I try to swim against the forces around me.
I whimper.
The light goes back to normal like I stopped staring at the sun. I look around and all there is around me is trees. I sniff, but I don’t smell my pee. Why don’t I smell my own pee?!
I walk up to a tree and pee on it.
That’s better.
I walk forward, sniffing the ground around me. This whole land smells different. Sweet like the brown treats that big hooman gets mad at if I sniff. I walk forward, keeping my ears pinned to scan for anything.
Then, I see, off in the distance, a four legged… something.
“HEY. YOU. I’M A DOG.”
The four legged something turns and moves closer. I wonder if this could be a friend with treatos. But it is four legged. It could be trying to hurt the hoomans.
I run very fast towards the four legs, and I realize that they also seem to have tail which means they could be friend like Roscoe next door but also could be mean like cato. Cato steal treatos. Cato is asshole.
“HEY. I’M STILL A DOG. ARE YOU A DOG?”
The four leg says words, and I stop because they sound like hooman word and I am confus. I turn my head thinking maybe it will hooman pulling the bamboozle.
But then four leg walk up and it look like weird creature I saw on the moving flat box.
“ARE YOU HOOMAN?”
The four legs say more nice things in ver kind way so I walk up slowly with sneaky tail.
The four leg have long hair like girl hooman and are all different colors but has body like birb and is very confus. She reaches for my badge of honor and it do a jingle.
“Hazel?” The big four leg birb say.
“OH SHIT THATS MY NAME. I’M HAZEL.”
The big birb smile and say more sweet things but clearly my reputation for protecting hoomans has spread far and wide. I decide that this very disabled birb is my friend and will adopt birbs as ‘not awful.’
birb start walking and says more sweet things in my direction and points at me, so I decide I will adventure with birb. birb says more things to me which I don’t understand. But birb, who I think is girl maybe, says ‘Dog’ once in a while and also my name so I reply.
“YES. THAT IS ME. WHERE ARE HOOMAN ARE THEY LOST?”
Soon I see a house in distance but I am ver concern because it is not hooman house. I make whimper but birb says nice things so I continue a little. I am beginning to worry because my smell is getting very far and I do not have more pee to find my way back.
Soon there is a second four leg birb which is not as dark colored as other birb. I decide this one will be birb 2.
“HELLO AM FRIEND.”
birb 2 looks at me with very sweet eyes. She has very long human hair and tail and seems very nice.
“Hey, there little guy,” birb 2 says.
“HOLY SHIT YOU CAN TALK.”
“Wow, language,” the magical birb says.
“THIS IS WEIRD. IVE ONLY EVER TALKED TO OTHER DOGGOS. ARE YOU FRIEND?”
“Yes, I am a friend,” she says. “My name is Fluttershy, and it looks like Rainbow Dash found you out by the forest.”
“HELLO FLUTTERSHY. YOU BIRBS ARE VERY NICE.”
Dash birb asks Fluttershy something but Flutterbirb says things I don’t understand.
“YOU ARE ALL VERY NICE BUT I NEED TO GO TO HOOMAN.”
“Hooman?” Fluttershy asks. “Wait, you know what humans are?”
“YES. MY HUMAN IS BEST HUMAN. HE LIVES FOREVER AND HAS BIG HUMAN PROBLEMS BUT STILL GIVES ME SCRITCHES AND TREATOS SO I PROTECC HIM.”
Fluttershy gives big hooman-like smile and nods.
“We actually had a human friend not too long ago. Princess Twilight should know a spell to send you back home.”
“HOORAY! I WORRY FOR HOOMAN. THEY CANNOT EAT TREATOS ALONE. THEY WOULD HAVE A SAD. I MUST GO HELP THEM AND GIVE THEM LICKS.”
Fluttershy smiles and shakes her head.
“I love my job.”
“IS YOUR JOB ALSO GIVING LICKS TO OTHER BIRBS?”
Flutterbirb and I play many games of fetch and soon Rainbowbirb returns but there is a new birb.
“HEY! YOU. DON’T HURT FLUTTERBIRB. SHE IS FRIEND.”
“You don’t need to bark at Twilight, Hazel,” Flutterbirb says. “She is a Princess and will send you home.”
“HELLO PRINCESS BIRB.”
“Hazel, we’re ponies, remember?”
“HELLO PRINCESS PONY BIRB.”
Dash and Twilight land on the ground and trot up to me. They give me ear scritches but their hooves don’t feel as good as hand scritches and I have a sad.
They say many things in nice tone but I don’t understand so I look at Fluttershy with a confuse.
“We’re going to send you home!” Fluttershy says.
“THANK YOU. HUMAN WILL BE VERY HAPPS.”
Fluttershy reaches down to your collar one more time and does a read. This is good because I have no idea how to read. She stop reading and looks up to me.
“Do you know some human named Anon?”
“THAT IS WHAT MY HOOMAN CALLS OLD HOOMAN.”
Fluttershy pauses, then looks to the other Birbs. They say words. Dash birb covers her mouth. She must be about to do a puke from eating too much grass.
“We had a human named Anon a few weeks ago who had to return to Earth. He was our friend.”
“OLD HOOMAN IS GOOD HOOMAN. WHEN I WAS SMOL HE GAVE ME TO MY HOOMAN WHEN MY HOOMAN WAS SMOL BUT BIGGER THAN MY SMOL.”
“And he’s… old now?”
“VER OLD. WATCH FLAT SCREEN BOX WITH LITTLE HOOMAN.”
Queen birb looks to Dash birb and says soft words that i don’t understand like when little hooman is sad and big hooman stop the sads. Twilight makes a clear box appear from nowhere and I think it means it’s playtime but then I srs because Dash birb puts some of her hair into clear box.
“Hazel,” Fluttershy says. “Can you take Rainbow Dash's bottle to Old Hooman for us?”
“OKAY.”
Dash birb say things looking at me. I smile and look at her but don’t know what she’s saying.
“And be sure to give him lots of love, Dash says.” Fluttershy translates.
“OKAY!”
And with a bright flash of purple light. The world disappears.
When the light comes back on I can smell my pee EVERYWHERE and I know that I am home. On the ground is bottle, so I put in mouth and begin to walk to home.
I hear the hoomans are calling my name so I run ver fast to them. I find old hooman calling my name and I remember the bottle so I run past the other hoomans and sit in front of him.
All of the hoomans are very happy because they need me very much and I am their best friend. Old hooman kneel down and gives me the ear scritches and says soft words. He says more words.
“Drop it, Hazel” he says, holding his hand out.
I put the bottle in his hand and he’s so happy I did the thing that he starts crying. It’s a very good day to be a doggo.
Author's Note
This will likely be a strange story to read, because it was a strange story to write. The whole thing is done in the voice of a dog. And doggo meme speech patterns. Hope you enjoy.
